A/N: Hi, hi, guys! How are you? This is gonna be a short text from me because I want to let you read this new chapter. I only want to thank you a lot for your amazing words to me, all of your reviews were simply amazing! I do really appreciate that, and it makes me smile whenever I read those, like it makes me feel good that you kinda like the story! So, I'm glad I made the decision of keep writing this story and to make it even longer than what I planned! Hope you don't get tired of this! Now, that's all. I'll let you read this new chapter and well... you will see what happens! Remember: Be patient! Hope you can enjoy it! Until next Saturday!
TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 13
Ups and downs
You couldn't believe that now you had to be Darren's partner until the end of the year. Why did you have to be with him out of all the people in the class? Anyway, it could work according to the plan you had with Jim, Dean and Brian. Well, mostly Dean and Jim, because Brian barely talked about it. It was really hard for you to do the first step. You knew that Darren wasn't going to walk to you and it was understandable after the rude way you treated him; therefore, you had to be the one walking to him. But once you were there, you didn't know what to say because you just forgot all the advices that Jim and Dean gave you to say to Darren to get his forgiveness. Instead of following the plan you had, you decided to start talking about what you had to write; because now you weren't sure to do what Jim and Dean told you to do, considering the conversation you had with Brian. But then this Darren Criss started telling you his idea for the story you both would perform; he told you it in a way you realized he was telling you a true-story about the two of you. And what happened next was really weird. As Darren was talking about you two, you were feeling very thrilled; not only because of the way he was saying beautiful things despite the fact that you treated him like shit, but also because somehow he was making you feel like...loved. It came a point that you couldn't believe that Darren was W because he seemed to be a really good person and he really seemed to care about you, it didn't seem he was pretending all of this; the way he was talking, his choked voice, his teary and sad eyes, all of that seemed to be real. You couldn't do what Jim and Dean told you to do, because Darren was making you feel special. It was such your thrill that you hugged him instinctively; you didn't even know why you did it, but you felt as doing it. And when he hugged you back, at first the only you felt was how his body was trembling and how good it felt to feel the warmth of his body; but then you had like a flashback. This flashback was different from the others, this time you couldn't see any kind of image of the past situation; this time it was a feeling what you remembered. His smell; you were sure you smelled that perfume before and it was a smell that brought you a good feeling, a good memory; that smell was a smell you loved. And then it was the warmth of his body, the way he was holding you, the way that his arms were enfolded around you; you remembered that feeling of someone holding you tight and firmly, a feeling that sometime in the past made you feel safe. The only explanation could be that you were really friends with him and he was one person that in your past was helping you, was supporting you, someone who wanted you to be fine and not bad. No, this Darren guy couldn't be W. When you broke the hug to look at him and try to remember who this mysterious guy was, your phone buzzed. It was a withheld number, so you were sure it was from W. If Darren was W, then how on earth could Darren be W if he was with you at that moment? The fact of thinking about W in this thrilling moment, made you feel annoyed; you really didn't want to read that text message. But then Darren asked you if he could read the text message and at first you doubted, but considering that now you were thinking that it was impossible that Darren was W, you let him read it. Everything was good until he looked at you and asked something that made you speechless, while he gave you the phone back.
"What the hell is this?" He asked looking at you bewildered, upset and kinda hurt.
You barely had time to read the text message before Darren asked you so, so you couldn't understand why he was looking at you that way if minutes before you saw like a happy twinkle in his eyes. But then you read the text message and you understood why Darren was actually looking at you that way. You couldn't believe this, you couldn't believe that W saw you hugging him and talking to him, you couldn't believe that Darren read that lie and now he surely believed it. Well, it was true that you've planned something similar with Jim and Dean; but you never faked your tears, you never faked the hug, you really felt it and you completely forgot about the plan when you were with him. This was a lie from W. You instantly looked at him desperate, trying to find the words to tell him that this was a lie; but he was looking at you as though he was disappointed and you could no longer think what to say. You tried to place your hand above his, but he moved his hands away and kept looking at you in the same way.
"This is not true." You said gingerly and you instantly regretted because he thought you were talking about the hug and tears. "I mean, the hug and tears were real. What it isn't true is what W said in this text message." You added nervously, playing with your own fingers.
Darren didn't say anything at all, he only looked down to look at your hands and then he looked up to you again, with the same disappointed and bewildered look. He was so silent that was making you feel nervous. Why were you feeling nervous anyway? You still couldn't remember who he was, he shouldn't be important to you, you shouldn't care about this. But somehow, you cared about this and very much. Why?
"You're lying. You're playing with your fingers." Darren said curtly, pointing with his chin your hands and you tried to stop moving your fingers.
"No, I'm not. Well, yes I... but it's not what really...I mean..." You stammered nervously, not knowing how to say how things really were.
"You don't have to explain me anything. After all, you don't know who I am and you do the right thing on not trusting on people you don't know." Darren said letdown, looking away.
"Yes, I have to explain you because..." And there you stopped. You really didn't know why you had this need to explain him what happened.
"Because what?" Darren asked harsh and annoyed; and the way he said it, kinda hurt you, so you just looked down and remained silent. "Listen, the fact that I told you that I was going to stand by you no matter what, doesn't mean that now you're free to fool me whenever you want. The fact that I told you that, doesn't mean that whatever you do is not gonna make me feel bad, because it does; and the fact that I'm hiding it, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me way too much, because it does." Darren said upset but also gloomy as you remained silent, feeling guilty. "And do not misunderstand me; I'm not blaming you because you cannot remember me so now you're talking to people you've never talked to before, people that before you couldn't bear. Anyway, I'm not saying this neither to judge them nor to judge you. Point is... if you can't remember me, that is okay; but at least I want you to be honest, it's the only thing I'm asking. If you don't remember me and now you can't bear me, do not pretend that you like me, do not pretend that you care about me because then you're playing with my feelings. Do you have any idea how that hug made me feel?"
"No..." You whispered looking down and not knowing how to apologize.
"That hug made me feel as if you still wanted to be my friend, that hug made me feel that maybe soon things will be as they used to be, when we were fine. And I was happy, super happy for that. But then I happen to know that it was fake, that my feelings for that hug were fake because your hug was fake." Darren said despondent. "And I swear I'm trying, I'm trying too hard not to feel bad while you ignore me because deep down I still have hopes, I have hopes that you'll remember everything so I'm trying to be strong for you; but when you do things like these, I don't know what to do. If you don't want to be near me, well then I do understand you and I'm gonna tell you that I'm gonna stay away from you but when you're about to fall I'm gonna be there anyway to hold you; and I'd rather it than if you make me feel fake things because I can't take it, because after all I'm a human being and I'm not perfect, I'm not that strong to take it." Darren said frowning looking away. "And if you have new friends now, that's good. I would never forbid you to have new friends. But please, do not hurt me only because you want to have fun with them, only because you're looking the way you can make fun of me and my stupid feelings for you." Darren said firmly but you could notice he was really down. "And yeah, I told you that I'd never forbid you to have new friends; but those friends you have now, they just aren't good people. And I'm there, all the time worried because I'm scared they can hurt you; and I'm there all the time checking on the sly if they aren't hurting you and I feel like a stalker because I shouldn't be spying you, but I can't help it. And this is sick, it's totally sick and I know it. I'm worried about you and all you want is to laugh at me? Well then, laugh at me if you want, curse me if you want, slap me if you want; I'll take it all and I won't complain, and I'll still be there. But do not create false hopes in me by faking a feeling you don't feel."
"I didn't fake anything!" You exclaimed with choked voice and watery eyes because his words hurt you.
"Stop lying to me!" Darren exclaimed exasperated and irked.
"I'm not lying! You have to believe me." You begged looking deeply into his eyes and holding one of his hands. He quickly moved his hand away, apparently feeling troubled.
"I wish I could, but sorry, I can't." Darren said curtly but his voice trembled and he looked away, clenching his jaw.
"You said you knew what kind of person I truly am, so you should know that I'm not lying, that I'm telling you the truth." You said desperate.
"Yes, I said it. But I'm not saying that I can't trust on you because of the way you are. I can't trust you because I know who your new friends are and I know that nothing good can come from them, I know how wicked they are, so I know that whatever your plan was, it wasn't something nice. I'm sorry." Darren said still looking away and you were really disturbed. "And you're completely free to choose with whom you want to be friends with, so I'm not making you stop being friends with them, I'm not making you choose between them and me; but do not ask me to trust on you now that you're with them."
"Why do you say they're wicked?"
"Why would you want me to tell you so? In any case, you wouldn't believe me; you don't believe anything of what I tell you."
"I do believe you now." You said unsure, but you needed to know why he thought so. Nevertheless, you tried to sound as though you were sure.
"No, you don't." Darren replied, looking at you now. "I know you, and I know you were unsure when you said it. You don't believe me and it's fine. Whatever. I don't know what is fine and what I want to be fine even if I know it isn't fine. Whatever."
At this point you didn't know what to say. The fact of seeing him so letdown and so hopeless was making you feel terrible. And you didn't know who to trust, if him or Jim and Dean, or even Brian. One of them was lying, but you couldn't tell who. Yes, Darren seemed to be honest with you and he made you feel in this way that you started to think that he was a good person and he couldn't be W. But on the other hand, Jim and Dean convinced you when you were in the cafeteria; their argument was coherent unlike what you felt whenever you had those flashbacks when you were with Darren. And there was also Brian, who was on Jim's side but who told you at the same time that you shouldn't believe all he was saying. Summing up, you were a huge mess. It was time to know who was telling the truth.
"Yes, W was right." You finally said after a long silence and Darren looked up to you in surprise, with a disappointed look. "I've planned something with my new friends but it wasn't to make fun of you. The plan was about..."
"I don't want to know your plan. I've had enough for today." Darren interrupted you harshly.
"No, you listen to me now. I've listened to you, now you listen to me." You said bossy and Darren raised his eyebrows in surprise, but he didn't say anything, he only looked at you as though he was willing to listen to you now. "The plan was only to get your forgiveness because of the crappy way I treated you. You may be wondering why they wanted me to get your forgiveness." You said and Darren raised his eyebrows sarcastically, as if that was more than obvious. "Well, it was because they thought that being friends with you was the best."
"Really? They told you that being friends with me would be the best thing?" Darren laughed bitterly and sarcastically.
"Yes, exactly. It was like a strategic plan. I needed to be friends with you because this way I could get information from you, about W." You assured and Darren looked at you in disbelief. You still weren't sure why you were telling him all of this if it was supposed to be a secret and you still couldn't trust on him. And maybe he was W. But in some way you felt as if you needed to tell him this, for unknown reasons. "So yes, the plan was to pretend I wanted to be with you again, that everything was fine and that I should lie to you only to get information."
"Are you serious?" Darren looked at you even more disappointed than before and even more hurt than before. "So, you're admitting that you faked it all."
"No, I'm not admitting it." You answered firm and serious.
"Oh no, you have a problem. You just told me that faking it all was your plan and now you deny it? What's wrong with you? Do you think I'm that fool?" Darren asked in disbelief and upset.
"Yes, I do have a problem and it's called memory loss; thank you for reminding me that." You said coldly now and Darren looked down apparently having a mix of different feelings. "Yes, I did say that the plan was to fake it all, but I couldn't do it. That hug and those tears were real."
"Yeah, sure. And now you expect me to believe you." Darren said ironically.
"No, I do not expect you to believe me as you don't expect me to believe you. It's the same, isn't it?" You said harshly and Darren looked down because he knew things were like that. "But I do want you to listen to my version of how I really felt; I don't care if you believe me or not, that's your problem." You said harshly again and now Darren looked at you frowning and in silence. "When I arrived to this class I had in mind to act according to the plan. Yes, I was going to pretend I wanted to be your friend again and that's what I started doing when I sat next to you and we started talking. But then you told me that story, that true-story." You said softening your voice as you were remembering all the feelings you felt in that moment. "And I forgot about the stupid plan. I just focused on your story and I forgot about everything. I saw honesty in your eyes when you told that story; I couldn't think about anything else but that this was our story that I was trying to remember but I couldn't. You made me feel as though you really care about me, as if you aren't trying to mess with me, as if you aren't trying to hurt me as I thought in the beginning. And your words were so wonderful that made me feel touched and thrilled; and yeah, that's the reason why I shed those tears, because I really felt it. Because you were making me feel as if I was worth it. And I hugged you because I had that need, because I needed to feel that thing that only an embrace can make you feel and that is contention. And that embrace was the realest thing I felt lately since I lost my memory. I can't explain it, I don't know why I felt it; but suddenly I felt a familiar feeling, something that I knew I felt in my forgotten past but I just couldn't tell when I felt it and why I felt it in my past; I just remembered that feeling." You said with this anguish in your chest because you couldn't tell why you felt like that and you wanted to know. "And I'm like this mess because I can't remember what kind of person you are, I don't know if you're a good person or not. I don't know what you want from me, I don't know if I should trust on you; but what I know is that only with you I have those incoherent flashbacks and I'm still trying to find out why I feel all of that only with you and not with somebody else. I'm trying but I can't and it makes me feel as if I should stay away from everything." You said sadly and frustrated while Darren was looking at you intently, listening to you without interrupting you at all. "And you told me you don't know what to do, but put yourself in my shoes. If you don't know what to do, imagine me. I lost my memory! Do you really think I know what I'm doing? Not at all. I'm confused, I'm unsure, I'm full of doubts and I'm bumbling all the time, trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. I'm blindfolded, walking to an uncertain place. And it's maddening and scary. But I have no options, what else can I do if it's not up to me? If you know the answer, please let me know because I'm dumb." You said with choked voice and teary eyes again because this was as though everything was hopeless, as if you wanted to change things but you couldn't do it.
Now Darren was looking at you with sad eyes, as if what you said was making him feel guilty, but that wasn't your intention. You only had that need to tell him how you were feeling.
"I wish I could have that answer." Darren finally replied quietly and you just looked down, trying to focus your mind in another thing not to think how frustrating this was. "You'll have to trust on someone because you can't shut yourself up, it's bad for you after how far you've come. If you want to be with them, alright, do it. That's not my decision and I can't say anything more than I already said. And just so you know, I do wish I could trust on you now and I wish you could trust on me. But that's not gonna happen any soon, at least not until you remember everything." Darren said firmly but not harshly, he said it kind of sad. "So... if what worries you is that I'm not gonna be there for you whenever you need someone; don't worry because I'll be there, I promise you I'll be there. But do not fool with me, because I'm not a boy toy, because it hurts me and nobody likes to be hurt and then I won't be sure if I could be there. I want to tell you so many things, but I do not want to freak you out. But I want to warn you, you should be careful; please be careful with them because they aren't nice as they seem to be, please." Darren said concerned and exasperated and you looked at him frowning, disconcerted.
"Why do you say it?" You asked intrigued and suspicious.
"I can't tell you because you'll think I'm crazy. But they aren't good people and they may want to hurt you, they did it in the past." He answered and you looked at him in disbelief.
"That's ridiculous." You said moody but you were still disturbed and frightened. "They've been nice to me, especially Brian."
"Brian is not a good person. We do think he is one of the people who are helping W. You need to be very careful with him, and I wish you could stop talking to him because he's gonna hurt you, but I can't push you and, you see, that's the infuriating thing of all of this. So please, be careful." Darren begged desperately and you looked at him now mad. You knew Brian couldn't be a bad person; he was the only one who told you that maybe Darren was a good friend for you. Then, why would Darren talk bad about him?
"How can you think that Brian is W? It makes no sense. What about you being W, eh?" You asked mad and coldly.
"What the fuck is that?" Darren asked in disbelief and perturbed with eyes wide open in surprise. "You really don't think I'm W, do you? We've been through this already."
"Oh, so I've suspected of you in the past. Surely I had my reasons to think so." You said coldly again while he was looking at you puzzled.
"Yes, you've suspected of me in the past; but then we cleared everything up. We agreed that..."
"Sorry? We agreed? Oh please, it only means that you brainwashed me. You tried to convince me that..."
"Stop it." Darren interrupted you harshly. "I can't believe this. Do you really think I'm that kind of guy who's around brainwashing people?"
"I don't know what kind of guy you are." You answered coldly, looking at him in suspicion.
"Well, let me tell you something. I'm not gonna go through this again. I won't let you compare me to those assholes who are trying to hurt you, I won't let you think that I'm the one who is harassing you while I'm here like a major idiot trying to help you." He said really furious and you couldn't stop looking at him in suspicion. "Why am I doing this? Why do I let you treat me like crap while I'm still here like a fool worrying all the time for you? Goddammit, how can you think such a thing about me after all I'm doing for you?"
"I never asked you to do something for me." You said harshly and he looked deeply into your eyes for a while in silence.
"That's the only thing with sense you've said today." Darren said also coldly. He was furious, very different from earlier. "Yes, you never asked me to do something for you; but here I am like a jerk, always trying to see you smiling and to see that you're doing fine. And unlike those assholes you call friends now, I really care about you and I'm doing my best for you without expecting anything in return, because I don't give a shit if I get something in return or not. I'm doing this because I'm your friend or at least that is what I thought I was. But don't worry; I'm nobody here but a creep for you. Oh no, don't you worry; you can do whatever you want with me, you can tell me whatever you want, you can break me into million pieces and I'll always find the way to stick those pieces again to be there for you whenever you need someone. But who cares? That means nothing to you, because for you I'm only an asshole who is harassing you. Yeah, yeah. Do not worry, I don't feel anything at all." Darren said sarcastically and loudly, so now the whole class was looking at you. "What are you seeing?" Darren asked yelling, irked, looking at all the people who were now looking at you both. "We're only practicing our possible story, so mind your own business." Darren said looking at them all serious and you just didn't know what to say. But it worked, because now no one was looking at you except Teddy. "Because this is very similar to that, isn't it? A big damn show in which you're the main character, acting all the time; and I'm just this spectator who is watching the show, believing everything that is happening on the show; because that is what actors do, their goal is to make the spectator believe that the imaginary world is real; because that is what you're doing, isn't it?"
"I'm not acting, this is my life, you dickhead." You answered coldly and biting your lips in anger.
"Am I a dickhead now? Unbelievable! Hey, the only guy who cares about you is a dickhead now!" Darren said very loudly and ironically as the whole class looked at you both again in surprise.
"Yes, you're a damn dickhead. And what does make you think that you're the only guy here, Criss? Do you really think that you are that important? You're only this pathetic weirdo with whom nobody wants to be around, that's you. And for the record, I don't need you because you're just a bothersome who doesn't have anything more important to do than messing around with others because cannot stand his own life, because his life is so miserable that needs to screw other people's life. You're nasty, Criss." You said loudly with the anger that was taking over your body.
Of course, everybody heard that. People around were looking at you astonished and speechless, no one was brave to meddle into your dispute. At this point, everybody knew that this had nothing to do with the story you had to write because you mentioned Darren's last name. Teddy, on the other corner of the classroom, was also astonished and he was kinda edgy; of course he thought that something like this would never happen in his class. Darren was now looking at you with that blank expression; he was looking at you as though your words really pierced his heart. And you knew it, because your words were really harsh and cruel; but you couldn't help it, your words only came out from your mouth and you didn't think about them before talking. This wasn't you and that made you feel terrible.
"Is that so? Fine, go ahead and screw your own life, you stupid girl. And do not dare to look for me when you realize that your life is completely ruined, because I won't be there. I'm out of this shit and I'm done with you." Darren yelled with trembling voice in anger, but also with a hint of woe and affliction.
"I never wanted you in my life, you douchebag." You said loudly and nastily.
"Alright you two, stop this." Teddy finally demanded authoritatively.
"Why would we stop? We're practicing. Isn't this stupid class to practice our stupid story we have to write?" Darren yelled irked and the class looked at him very perplexed because apparently he wasn't the kind of person who treated people this way.
"Criss, go to the principal's office now." Teddy said firmly.
"Oh no, you gotta be fucking kidding me man. I get the detention while this stupid girl in front of me is messing around. Come on, who else wants to fuck me up? Come on, shoot. Come on, this is your chance. Let's we all fuck Darren!" Darren yelled, standing up very furious and raising up his arms. He was out of himself.
Everybody looked at him agape, with a disturbed expression. You were only looking at him in indignation. Things got worse when Brian suddenly entered the classroom. Darren looked at his direction and walked to him with all his rage. And Brian was there like bewildered, because evidently he didn't know what was going on. You quickly stood up to run to Brian because you knew that Darren with his rage could do something bad and you wouldn't allow him to hurt Brian.
"What are you doing here, asshole?" Darren yelled rabidly, still walking to Brian.
"What?" Brian asked bewildered, stepping back when he noticed how mad Darren was.
"Stop fucking around! I'm sick of you; I'm sick of you and your lies! Why don't you just disappear?" Darren yelled furiously again, now very close to Brian. Then you reached them and you stood between them both.
"Get out of here, Criss." You said coldly, protecting Brian as Brian took you by the arm to make you stop, but you wouldn't let things like that. "You should disappear, Criss. This place would be better without you." You said calamitously and rudely. You noticed how Darren changed his facial expression and now he seemed to be troubled and stricken.
"Calm down." Brian whispered smoothly in your hear.
"I don't know what you told her, I don't know what you made her think, Clerk... But if you dare to hurt her, I swear on my life that I'm gonna destroy you." Darren said with trembling voice and pointing at Brian threateningly. But he didn't sound so mean, he sounded concerned and distressed.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Criss..." Brian said nervously. Why would he answer that nervously?
"Oh yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Perhaps she lost her memory, but I didn't, I remember absolutely everything of what has happened; and both of us know what I'm talking about. Do not hurt her." Darren said this time with choked voice but trying to sound firm and determined.
"That's completely ridiculous. I won't hurt her." Brian said bewildered and still nervous.
"You better, Clerk. You better." Darren said with choked voice and he glanced at you sadly before he left the classroom.
"What was that?" Brian asked looking into your eyes disturbed.
"Long story." You huffed annoyed. "Can we please leave this place?"
"I knew I could find you here." Jen said behind me.
I was alone in a park near school, swinging softly on a swing, very thoughtful. Yes, Jen knew I used to come here when I was having a bad day in school. I didn't answer her, so she started swinging on the swing next to me. That was one of the things I loved about Jen: she knew how to respect me when I didn't feel like talking, but at the same time she was there in silence like telling me she would listen to me whenever I wanted to talk. I started swinging faster, still thinking about Freckles and all she told me. It was as if swinging faster was going to help me to let out all the anguish I was feeling. Jen, next to me, started swinging on the swing faster too. Everything started popping in my mind while I was swinging fast and feeling the breeze on my face: The first time I met Freckles when we were in Spanish class and she was looking at me with her beautiful eyes; the first time I dared to talk to her when that asshole of Brian punched her face; the first time I saw her outstanding performance in drama class; the time when I visited her in hospital and she talked to me with her eyes making me feel this weird thing; the time when we went to Marin Headlands, when she talked to me about her past and her feelings, when we were there just staring the starts, when we tumbled from the hill to the beach; the first time she spent the night at my house and she met my family; I remembered the first time I kissed her and I felt so good; then I remembered her last awful words and how she slapped me. I heard the sound of her sweet voice, her entrancing laughter; I saw her dreamy eyes, her gorgeous lips, her scars; her adoring face smiling looking at me with those shinning eyes, just the two of us lying down on the ground. And I saw how rudely she looked at me minutes ago. And I was still swinging on the swing really fast, shedding tears now while I was picturing it all in my mind. I let this anguish I was feeling to unleash and then I stopped swinging to look down, thinking how all of this could have happened, covering my face with both hands and sobbing. How could I have lost her?
"Why, Jen? Why?" I finally wondered out loud with tight voice.
"Because sometimes good things hurt, but it doesn't make them less good. Because when it hurts it means you really care about something. And we only get to enjoy those good things after we go through pain, that's when it's worth it; and if you really care you'll face this pain, with time things will flow naturally and will get better, only with time." Jen whispered looking at me.
"I wish I could go back in time, Jenny."
"Never ever say it. Things happen for a reason, find out which that reason is and fight for it and do never regret for the things you do; remember that those things make you stronger, that everybody learns from their mistakes. This is the wonderful fact of life, we're always learning new things, we're always trying to become a better person; we're all the time stumbling and we learn how to stand up again; do not let that this wonderful fact of life becomes an awful thing. And learn how to be friends with time, times solves everything when there is nothing else to do, when you tried everything; do not make time becomes your enemy. Things, someday and somehow, will get better if you only have hopes." Jen said sweetly, still looking at me. "I was forced to learn it when I lost my brother, so I can assure you that things will get better. Just smile for all the things you have and fight for those things you want."
"I do really appreciate your words, Jenny. It's wonderful the way you talk, but those are just words, easy to say but hard to do."
"Well, nobody said it was easy; but it's worth it trying." Jen said shrugging.
"Yes, but how do I do it? What can I do with all the things that are happening to me? Now it seems I'm only this weak crying baby boy." I said looking down and frowning, feeling as if there was nothing I could do and it was frustrating.
"Hey, no. Do not ever mistake your crying for weakness. You don't cry because you're weak, you cry because you've been strong for too long." Jen said smiling softly. "And in regard to what is happening to you, well... it's pretty bad but not impossible to fix. Of course you'll think that everything is impossible because you're going through a crappy situation and you're being pessimistic."
"Yes, this sucks. Being pessimistic, I don't like to be like this."
"Personally, I do think that being pessimistic is good sometimes because it only means that you're not pleased with something so you'll try your best to change it, to make it better. Instead, if you're positive all the time, it only means that you're adopting a conformist attitude to events that happen, because it's too hard to change things and it's easier to give up and it's easier to mold to the mass of people. As all things in life, being extremist is a bad thing, we have to maintain a balance; so being pessimistic isn't bad sometimes." Jen said softly and I looked at her amazed. I never saw this point of view, and she was right. "First of all, I think you should get rid of your bad emotions, you have to try to respect your feelings and don't feel upset with yourself because you're having these bad emotions. Learn to respect yourself, Dar, because nobody else is gonna do it for you. Once you do it, then you should try to find the way to fix all those things you want to get back. But remember that not always things will go as you expect, you have to keep it in mind. Things hardly go as we expect, and it'd be boring if things go as we plan, it wouldn't make sense." Jen said grinning softly and she was sounding so positive and pessimistic at the same time and there I found out what she tried to tell me when she said we have to maintain a balance. "And also remember that things will never be as same as before and you have to learn that it isn't a bad thing. Sometimes people are afraid to fix things because they think that things will never be like before as they want, and that's bad because then we live afraid all the time and we don't take risks, therefore our lives turn into a monotonous life. And do you know why things will never be as same as before?"
"Because we're always gonna remember that time when we were apart, so we'll live afraid to be apart from that person again, therefore we won't be truly happy again." I said sounding very pessimistic.
"No, that's not the reason. Things will never be as same as before because in between you've learned something; because despite all the things which were stopping you from being fine with that person again, you found out the way to be fine again; accordingly, the bond between you is gonna be stronger." Jen said positive, giving me one warm smile. "So, I was saying, first you have to respect yourself and only then you'll be able to fix things with others. Only then you should talk to your mom to fix your situation, to talk to Mandy and Karen. And to talk to Freckles, don't give up on her, she's only a mess right now, Dar; but we both know she isn't a bad person."
"I'm not trying to give up on her, but she makes this too hard to hold on." I replied with a sigh, thinking about all the rough words Freckles told me.
"I know, but you have me and I'll help you to hold on. You can always count on me, Dar." Jen responded smiling at me friendly and sweetly.
"I know, Jenny, I know. Thank you." I said looking at my beloved and best friend, very thankful. "You know, you should study psychology. Just saying." I commented while shrugging and giggling faintly.
"I'll consider it." Jen replied with an amused smile, trying to cheer me up. She was fantastic.
It was late in the evening when you returned to your house, after spending almost all day with Brian. He helped you to finish your essay about Edgar Allan Poe as he has promised. It was still weird for you the fact that a guy who played football and who was very popular could be this smart when it came to literature. He not only helped you with your essay; but also you and him talked about a lot of things, one of them it was about Darren and what happened in the drama class. You explained him all that was happening before he arrived, so he could understand why Darren was so rude on him. You remembered clearly the conversation you had in the library, which was almost empty.
"You shouldn't have been so rude on him." Brian commented, looking fixedly at you with his green eyes, but he wasn't scolding you and he wasn't blaming you either.
"How do you expect me to act? I mean, I don't even know who he is and when I told him that what I felt in that moment wasn't planned and it was real, he seemed to be deaf." You responded, huffing in annoyance.
"I don't think it was like that. Maybe he was just confused because of that text message; I think I'd have reacted like him in that situation." Brian opined while shrugging,very quiet. "Put yourself in his shoes. The guy is worried because you cannot remember him and apparently you're important to him; you hug him and then he reads this text message saying that it all was false. Of course he'll be disturbed. But that's only my point of view."
"Are you serious, Brian?" You asked in disbelief. "Why are you even defending him?"
"No, don't misunderstand me. I'm not defending him, I don't know what kind of person he is, and I barely talked to him. I'm just telling you my point of view of this situation, objectively." Brian answered calm while you were still annoyed.
"Well, Brian, he said you weren't a good person, so you just know." You stated while raising an eyebrow and clenching your jaw.
"Well, maybe I'm not a good person. In the end, aren't we all foul people sometimes? Maybe we don't have the intention of being nasty people, but at the end of the day, we realize that we hurt some people on different levels for several and different reasons even if we didn't mean it. Sometimes we don't notice it, sometimes it's because we're forced somehow, and sometimes it's intentional. Yes, we make a lot of mistakes and for that you're considered as a bad person, but then it's up to you if you try to change it, then that is what makes you a good person." Brian said quietly and you looked at him intently. Well, you never expected him to say something like that. "I'm not gonna lie. I've made a lot of mistakes and I know I'm not a good person. I hurt so many people in the past. But I do regret it and I'm trying to change it and I know it's not gonna happen any soon, because I'm still learning how to make it good. This Darren guy had his reasons to say I'm not a good person."
"What have you done?" You asked curious because you wanted to know, after all that Darren told you.
"I...I don't want to talk about it." Brian said now uncomfortable, looking away and scratching the nape of his neck.
"Hey, I'm not gonna judge you. I've made my very own mistakes as well. Well, I'm not a good person considering the way I treated Darren and other people..." You said, thinking about your sister. "So maybe we aren't so different. I hope you know you can count on me if you want to talk about this sometime." You said smiling friendly at him, taking his hand in yours. When you held his hand, he gasped and looked at you with this disconcerted, surprised face: eyebrows raised, lips parted, eyes wide open.
"Thank you. No one ever told me such a thing." Brian whispered thankful with guttural voice and then, surprisingly, intertwined his fingers with yours. It seemed as though he needed someone to be this nice to him. "There was this girl..." He started saying shyly with low voice and you realized he was going to tell you what you wanted to hear, so you listened to him very intently. "She was a weird girl, but she seemed to be a nice girl anyway. I never had any kind of trouble with her until one day I was forced to say something really nasty. I didn't want to say it, but someone forced me; this someone threatened me with my father. This someone told me if I didn't act as her enemy, this someone would screw my dad's job. It's a long story, it was really hard for my dad to get a job because he has this Parkinson's disease and no one wanted to hire him; and my mother ran away when I was eight, so my dad had to take care of me all these years by his own. I knew that my dad had been having troubles lately with his actual job; he was hanging on by a thread. So I had no options, I had to do exactly what this someone was telling me to do, and I felt terrible when I did it. I felt even worse when things started to get really bad, but I couldn't stop doing what this someone was telling me to do, I couldn't jeopardize my dad's job. But at the same time, this girl didn't deserve it, she really didn't deserve it." Brian said looking down, still holding your hand.
"Hey, don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault. After all, family comes first." You said smiling reassuringly at him.
"Yeah, I guess." Brian sighed sadly, still looking down, as you felt bad for him. "Point is that people started to think I was a badass, more like an asshole; and that wasn't me, but I had to pretend all the time I was like that. I said terrible things to this girl, I even... I even punched her. You have no idea how much I do regret it, but... but..."
"You had no options, Brian." You said softly, squeezing his hand. Yes, it was very awful what he was saying, but somehow you could understand him, he was forced, his dad's job was at risk.
"I know, but I was a coward. I don't spend any single day not thinking about it. I wish things could be different, you know." Brian stated, angry with himself. "Point is that this Darren guy saw me doing all of that. That's why he says I'm not a good person, and he is right. Can you see why do I say he had his reasons to have said such a thing?"
"No, he had no reasons to have said you're a bad person. He didn't know what was going on with you, so he just judged you. I personally think you aren't a bad person, you had no options and you did all of that because of your dad, so you aren't a coward. And there's always time to change things, don't feel bad because you never wanted to do this intentionally." You said smiling at him friendly as he smiled back at you faintly.
"I know, I'm still trying to change those things, but I still can't. I depend on this someone, until this someone decides to stop this kind of game that is playing." Brian said in disgust.
"May I ask you who this someone is and who this girl is?" You asked curious, wanting to know more.
"Well..." Brian started to say nervously and then he babbled, again scratching the nape of his neck. "Of course this someone I'm talking about is W." He said and you looked at him with eyes wide open. So W was also harassing him. "You shouldn't be surprised. This W person is a really nasty person with a perverse mind." Brian added when he saw your astonished face. "And the girl... you don't know her."
"I see..." You replied thoughtful. "I can't believe that this W person is also harassing you. When is this gonna end?"
"W won't stop until this person gets to see you destroyed, really down."
"Are you trying to say that I have to be destroyed if I want things to return to normal? I have to be destroyed, so then you'll be able to apologize to this girl, so your dad's job will be safe, so you can be yourself again. Not only for you, but also I have to be destroyed so this Darren guy can be fine again, because he told me W is also harassing him and I doubt he can be W. So it's me the one who is causing all these troubles, I'm the one who can stop this, I have to be destroyed because I'm hurting so many people." You said disturbed and scared when you realized how things actually were. You placed a hand on your forehead and looked down. Why you?
"No, oh no, no." Brian said quickly, squeezing your hand to calm you. "This is not your fault and that isn't the solution. You should never let anyone hurt you."
"But I'm hurting so many people." You replied desperate with choked and trembling voice. Then you finally looked up and found a pair of green eyes staring your eyes in a warm way.
"You're not hurting anyone, W is the one who's hurting people. Do not forget it. I don't want you to give up on this, I know you can defeat W, I believe in you. And if you can't do it alone, you have me and I'm gonna help you in my very own way; but it has to be a secret. And... well... I think this Darren guy won't leave you alone on this. Forget about all that Jim and Dean said in the cafeteria, their point of view of the situation makes no sense. Do what you feel, not what you think or what people tell you to do. How do you feel about Darren?" Brian asked looking deeply into your eyes.
"I... I don't know..." You answered disturbed, still thinking about how suddenly you found out how things actually were. "Maybe... maybe he's truly trying to help me... but... but he called me stupid and he... at the end, he was rude on me... I don't know."
"You do realize that Darren was rude on you because he was feeling down by your words, don't you? Now tell me how you felt when he told you that true-story about the two of you." Brian requested softly, looking at you fixedly.
"I felt as though he really cares about me, as if he really was my friend. But at the same time I feel weird when I'm with him, because I have those incoherent flashbacks that make me sick." You responded looking down, feeling anguish on your chest because you knew you were in a dilemma.
"Flashbacks? Are you saying that you're starting to remember?" Brian asked concerned.
"Yes, kind of. But it's everything very blurry and incoherent." You answered, frowning and thoughtful.
"I see..." Brian whispered, looking down and biting his lower lip. "Well, probably, if you felt as though Darren was truly your friend, it may be like that. I don't know. Maybe... maybe you should be near him. He... it seems he cares about you, judging by the way he was worried if I could hurt you, even after you treated him in a bad way." Brian said still looking down as you were looking at him confused.
"Well, you said it. I treated him like crap several times since I lost my memory. I doubt I can be near him now, he wouldn't want to see me again." You said shrugging.
"Oh trust me; he would like to see you again. You only have to talk to him and clear things up, only if you want, of course."
"I don't see how I can get it. He seemed to be tired of me, I hurt him really bad this time, apparently." You said discouraged.
"You could text him; you told me that he has been sending you several text messages which you never replied. Ask him if you can meet somewhere to talk." Brian suggested, trying to cheer you up.
"I don't know. Maybe I could do it..." You said unsure. You knew he wouldn't want to meet you, it didn't matter what Brian was saying to convince you that it wasn't like that.
"You have nothing to lose." Brian said shrugging and well, he had a point. "But please, if you meet somewhere, don't meet in Marin Headlands. W knows about that place."
"Okay...but I don't know why you mentioned it. I've never been there." You said bewildered, frowning.
"Yes, you've been there with him in the past and W found that place." Brian replied so sure that you believed him, even if you didn't remember that place. "And please, don't mention to anyone this conversation we just had. I wasn't supposed to tell you what W forced me to do."
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Thanks, for trusting me and for helping me." You said smiling kindly at him and he smiled back at you.
So there you were in your bedroom, hesitating whether you should text Darren or not. You still weren't sure because, in any case, you didn't know what you could say once you meet, you didn't even know if he wanted to meet you. You couldn't tell why you were feeling nervous, you shouldn't be feeling nervous; it was only to talk to him. But now you had all this pressure, knowing that you made him feel terrible, that W wanted to hurt him because of your fault, that your dad didn't want you to see him, all that Jim and Dean told you about him, what Brian told you about him... those were so many things to take into consideration, therefore, your mind was spinning. But Brian told you that you had nothing to lose, so you just did it.
To Darren: I know this is gonna sound crazy and weird considering that I've been ignoring your text messages and I treated you like crap... but I was wondering if you'd like to meet me, so maybe we could talk.
You hesitated before pressing send, but you took a deep breath and did it. Once you sent to him that text message, you checked your phone every second to check if Darren texted you back, but he didn't. It had been 2 hours and he didn't reply you. Of course he wouldn't reply you; you were a fool. How could you think that he wanted to see you after all that happened? You were resigned when your phone buzzed. It was a text message from Darren and you couldn't explain why your heart skipped a beat when you saw his name.
From Darren: Sorry, I was busy. Yes, it's weird to get a text message from you; it's been awhile since the last time. Sure, we can talk tomorrow in school.
To Darren: No, not in school. I was wondering if we could meet... Now?
You were really nervous when you texted him that, it sounded weird. You had to wait around 15 minutes until you got his reply. Why would he text back so slowly?
From Darren: It's late.
That was the only thing he replied and you felt really bad about it. Well, you knew that it was most likely he didn't want to see you; but to be honest; you never expected this kind of answer, very curt.
To Darren: Yes, I'm sorry; I didn't want to bug you. Well, I guess I'll see you around. Have a good night.
You replied that and then you left your phone on your nightstand. You lay down in bed and you tried to sleep, but you couldn't because you were feeling distressed. You weren't supposed to feel like this, because he was just a random guy for you, but for some reason you felt as if something was missing you, as if this was really bad. Around 30 minutes later, your phone buzzed and you quickly took it. Why were you so desperate to check if it was Darren?
From Darren: Anyway, I can't sleep. What about Marin Headlands in an hour?
To Darren: No, not Marin Headlands.
From Darren: Why not? That is... like our place.
To Darren: Because W knows about that place and I want to talk to you, alone.
From Darren: Makes sense. I don't know then...
To Darren: Golden Gate Bridge, on the eastern side walkway.
From Darren: Good. See you there, then.
To Darren: See you there. And thank you, for giving me a second... more like a third chance.
That was the last text message you sent and the last one you received from him. You grabbed your coat and you sneaked out your house in silence because you really didn't want your dad to find out that you were going out this late at night. And you really didn't want your dad to find out that you were going to meet Darren. It was a cold night in San Francisco, so almost no one was walking. The Golden Gate Bridge wasn't near your house; however, you went there walking and it helped to clear your mind and calm down. Although you went there walking, you arrived there in time. Darren wasn't there yet and everything around was silent, only few cars were crossing the bridge but there was not a single person walking. When you were there you got really nervous again because you still didn't know how you were going to apologize, you weren't sure why you were there but you knew you should be there. Then you started to feel anxious because you really wanted to talk to him, you needed to talk to him. You looked around to see if Darren was coming, but you couldn't see anyone walking near you, maybe his house was also far from there. Now you were feeling as though you really could do this, this was what you wanted to do, this was what your heart wanted and not what your mind wanted, just as Brian told you to do. You felt as if this was the right thing to do. But it had been an hour and Darren hasn't arrived. He wasn't going to come.