TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 14
To hear you singing
As usual, I arrived at the Golden Gate Bridge earlier than Freckles, but this time I didn't wait for her in the place we agreed to meet. I didn't know why I decided to wait for her behind a large tree that was near the eastern side walkway. It was as if I was hiding from her, because I still wasn't sure if she was going to come or what she wanted to talk to me about. When I first read her text message, it took me 2 hours to reply her. First, I couldn't believe she was the one who was texting me; and secondly, I couldn't trust on her anymore and that was terrible. Maybe meeting here was a new plan that she and Brian plotted after drama class; maybe she didn't want to talk to me to be fine again, maybe she wanted to fool me. But I was this stupid guy who wanted to be with her, who would do whatever she wanted; such an idiot, but I couldn't help it. And I tried to ignore her at least for a while until clearing everything with myself and my feelings, but it didn't work. Truth was I wanted to see her, hear the sound of her voice, hear her laugh again, and hold her hand and feel that weird feeling I had whenever I did it. But I didn't want to be fooled by her again; I wouldn't be able to take it; so that was why I was hiding. And then I saw her walking alone to the place we agreed to meet and my heart skipped a beat. I saw her looking around to check if I was there, but I didn't move from where I was, I just couldn't. I saw her waiting, looking beautiful and not like those cheerleaders taught her how to dress; I saw her standing there and I felt this pressure on my chest. If only this situation was different... I stayed just there, looking at her on the sly, I stared her for a long and I wasn't aware of the time. But then I saw how she turned around and started walking. Was she leaving? I looked at my watch and I noticed that indeed I've been staring her for more than an hour; it was obvious that she was going to leave. I wanted to walk to her, but I couldn't move; I was scared. Then a car drove near her and illuminated her face; I could see her face and I saw her disappointed and perhaps distressed look. I couldn't let her like that, so I took the guts to run to her despite my fears.
"Freckles!" I yelled agitated behind her.
When she heard my voice she stopped abruptly but she didn't turn around to look at me, so I walked towards her. When I reached her, she was looking down as if she didn't want me to look at her and I noticed how she, surreptitiously, wiped a tear away. I felt really bad about it.
"For a moment I thought you weren't going to come." Freckles whispered, still looking down.
"That is what I used to say to you." I said smiling softly, trying to change this gloomy situation. "This is the first time you arrive before than me." I lied because I wouldn't admit that I was staring her on the sly. "I'm really sorry; I couldn't make it in time."
"That's alright." She answered faintly, still looking down. Damn, how could I make her feel good now? This was my fault.
"Do you want to walk with me? It's amazing to walk in the Golden Gate Bridge, I don't know if you've done it before." I said smiling widely and trying to sound cheerful, even if I was nervous as hell. She only shook her head in response. "Come with me, you won't regret."
I started walking and she followed me, in this uncomfortable silence. I've been in this kind of situation with Freckles but it wasn't as same as before. We were walking together as if we were strangers; well, I was a stranger for her but she wasn't a stranger for me and I wanted to hold her hand and walk like that with her so badly. So I took the risk, after all, we have to take risks in our lives. I held her hand shyly but firmly, without saying anything. I was expecting the worst out of this, I was expecting her to curse me; but instead, she intertwined her fingers with mine in silence. And that was all that I needed, all that I wanted for so long and I couldn't help but to feel fluttering and tickling sensations in my lower stomach. We walked holding hands for a while in this quiet night in San Francisco, and I felt as if no one could ruin this moment, not even W.
"Wait, wait here." I requested smiling when we were in the middle of the bridge.
"What?" She asked looking into my eyes shyly and confused. "Did I do something...?"
"No, no. Hold on here." I said cheerfully, smiling amused as she frowned. "Close your eyes."
"No, I won't..." She started complaining as though she was thinking I was crazy. But then I stood in front of her and I took her by the arms very softly.
"Trust me, I won't hurt you. Close your eyes." I said firmly and smiling kindly, looking deeply into her eyes. She didn't say anything but she closed her eyes slowly. "I'll guide you, don't be afraid and do not open your eyes until I tell you. Trust me." I said standing behind her while I placed my hands on her waist very carefully. I noticed how she shivered at my touch but she didn't open her eyes, so I rested my chin on her shoulder to whisper in her ear. "Relax, I won't hurt you."
I walked her to the railing and I made her stop there. I enfolded my arms around her waist and I nuzzled her neck; once again she shivered at my touch. I wasn't planning to do this, but I couldn't help it. Her smell was captivating me and I had this need to be as close as possible to her. I felt her soft skin and I instinctively brushed my lips on her neck, making her shiver again. I needed to stop doing this because at this point I didn't know how this could end up, considering that I was feeling this need to kiss her over again, in spite of the fact that she was only a friend to me. With all my willpower, I rested my chin on her shoulder and I grinned softly. Being like this was making me happy, feeling the warmth of her body again and wrapping my arms around her. She seemed so vulnerable and little and I felt as if I was protecting her, as if she was my... just that. I took a look at the landscape around, the lights of the city of San Francisco in the distance, the bay illuminated by the streetlights of the bridge, the starry and dark sky and the big old moon. It was wonderful.
"Can you feel it?" I whispered in her ear. "Can you feel the cool breeze on your skin? The sounds of the city in the distance, the sound of waves? Just forget about everything and focus on your perceptions. Can you smell it? The smell of the bay? The smell of this old metallic structure? Just relax and feel it, imagine that you're alone in this place that you don't know and you have to discover by your senses. What do you imagine?"
"I imagine a beautiful place, a quiet one. It's peaceful and relaxing. I can't hear the sound of the traffic, I can't smell the contamination of the city; I can't hear all those things that stress me out. It's so... wonderful." She whispered, still with her eyes closed. I saw how she was smiling joyfully now and that was flawless.
"Now imagine you're seeing this wonderful landscape and all is dark, but suddenly the water is illuminated by the moonlight and stars. There's no one but only you and this place." I whispered softly in her ear, smiling because I was finally seeing her smile, as I always wanted since she lost her memory. "How do you feel?"
"I feel peaceful, as if there's nothing mean that can hurt me." She whispered still with that joyful smile. "But I don't want to be alone; I wish there could be someone with me, with whom I could share this. I don't want to be lonely."
"Then, now imagine that someone walks towards you and this someone holds you; holds you and makes you feel how much this someone wants to be with you, because this someone loves you and you feel loved with this someone." I whispered with trembling voice because my whole body was trembling, and I also closed my eyes now. And I held her tighter; I wanted to make her feel that I was there with her because that was what I wanted. "Can you feel how this someone loves you?" I asked with brittle and guttural voice now, because this was too much for me to hold. Geez, I loved her so much.
"I can." She whispered also with trembling voice as she placed her hands on my arms which were holding her. And I had to contain myself not to kiss her when I felt her touch.
"I love you so much." I whispered fondly in her ear before I could realize what I was saying.
That was the most honest thing I said and at first I regretted, but then I changed my mind. This was what I was truly feeling, why would I regret it? Why would I hide my feelings for her? Then I slowly opened my eyes to find that she was now looking at me frowning with tears in her eyes.
"I wish I could remember you. You're being so nice to me and I can't remember you and I'm treating you like crap because I can't remember and you don't deserve it. And I'm this bitch girl who's hurting you and this is not right... This is not right and I wish I could remember..." Freckles babbled with choked voice, shedding some tears.
That broke my heart, it was sad to see her crying like that, desperate because she couldn't remember even if she was trying hard. I made her turn around to hug her tight and she cried on my chest while I rubbed her back reassuringly. It was as if she was this little girl and there was nothing I wished more than seeing her happy again.
"Don't feel bad, I got your back. You'll be fine and I'll be fine, I'm fine whenever I'm with you. And this? This is all I need, so don't worry about me because this isn't your fault. And some day you'll remember everything, let's not hurry things because there's no hurry." I whispered in her ear while I was still rubbing her back and she was still crying on my chest. I forgot about all my fears, I forgot that idea I had that maybe this was a plan she has plotted with Brian; I forgot it all because she seemed so honest and vulnerable. She was the girl I knew, I knew it when I saw her smile, when I looked into her eyes.
"I'm sorry to have treated you in a bad way, I'm really sorry. It's just I'm so confused and frustrated and I barely know what to do." She said now looking at me with her big and teary eyes, while I was still wrapping my arms around her.
"I know and I understand. You're forgiven." I said gently while fondling her cheek smoothly. I was afraid to caress her cheek at first because I didn't know how she would react, but when I noticed she was letting me to do so, I felt really good. Her skin was really soft.
"You shouldn't be nice to me, because I'm not nice to you and you... you're all the time telling me that I used to do any random thing, that we were used to do whatever and to go wherever...And I can't remember and it makes me feel terrible!" She said upset with herself, and pouting. Oh dammit, that was so adorable that I couldn't help but smiling sweetly. "Why are you smiling like that?" She asked puzzled because that wasn't the right time to smile like that because she was telling me something not nice.
"Nothing. Only that you look totally adorable when you pout like that." I answered, still smiling like a fool. Dammit! Why did I have to say something like that? I really needed to think before talking.
"Are you making fun of me?" She asked frowning and pouting like a little kid.
"Aww!" I exclaimed, smiling like a goofball when I saw her adorable face, placing both of my hands on her cheeks. I couldn't help it, man. That sound just came out from my mouth and I didn't even have the intention to do it. "You're like a puppy!"
"Are you comparing me to an animal?" She asked in disbelief, puckering her brows.
"No... I mean yes, but not to any kind of animal. I'm comparing you to a puppy and puppies are totally adorable and cute and all." I said like a fool, not thinking about what I was saying.
"What's next, then? Should I start barking or something?" She asked, now looking at me kinda amused.
"Oh, I'd die to see that happening." I giggled and she giggled faintly, looking down.
"I was talking about serious stuff and then you start saying something like this... This... Geez." She said still giggling softly.
"Well, at least I made you giggle. And that was totally awesome." I said smiling widely and she looked at me with bright eyes. Gosh, I missed so much seeing those bright eyes. Suddenly it was as if I could notice how damn beautiful she was, she was indeed a beautiful girl.
"Thank you, for all you're doing." She said grinning kindly at me and I felt this ticklish again. This was the first time she smiled at me like that since she lost her memory.
"Trust me; I could do more than this for you." I replied with a warm smile, brushing my thumb on her cheek, very smoothly.
"So... If I asked you to do something for me... Would you do it?" She asked shyly as if she really wanted to ask me something, but she was afraid to ask.
"Yes, I would." I assured.
"If I asked you, for instance, if we could pretend to not know each other to start over again... Would you do it?" She asked shyly again, this time looking down.
I knew what she wanted to do. She couldn't remember me and she was feeling bad for it, so she wanted to start over again, as if we were just two strangers talking, so maybe that way she would find out why she was my friend in the past; without the pressure of me trying to make her remember things she couldn't. This could be actually a good idea, so I just smiled at her and I stepped back, placing my hands in my jean's pockets as she looked at me confused. I looked at her as though I didn't know her and I just stumbled across her on my way.
"Excuse me, missy. I'm new here and I'm kinda lost... Could you help me to find my way back home?" I asked looking at her amused and when she noticed what I was doing she smiled brightly. "I'm Darren, by the way."
"Nice to meet you, Darren. You can call me Freckles, as one person used to call me once upon a time." Freckles replied with the same bright smile. Her smile was so bright as never before and that... that was all I needed to feel happy again. Her bright smile was like... magical.
At first you thought that Darren wasn't going to come, but he finally arrived. At first, you didn't want to be there, but then he did that wonderful thing: He requested you to close your eyes and he took you away, only with your imagination, away from all the frustration you were feeling for not remembering anything at all. He made you smile as no one before, at least of what you remembered. He made you feel loved; he made you feel a weird ticklish on your belly when he held you in his arms, when he whispered in your ear, when he brushed his lips on your neck. The weirdest thing for you was to hear him whispering in your ear how much he loved you in that fond way; something that made you feel safe but at the same time sad, because it didn't matter how hard you were trying, you couldn't remember him. There was only one way you could maybe remember him, and it was if the two of you started from scratch. Even though you wouldn't remember him over again, maybe meeting each other again was a way to find out why you were friends with him in the past, maybe in a future you wouldn't need to remember him because you became friends over again. Maybe it could work, maybe not, you didn't know. One thing was for sure and it was that you couldn't keep being like this because he was all the time telling you things you used to do in the past and that was making you feel really bad because you couldn't remember those things. He wasn't to blame, but you just couldn't keep doing this like that. So it surprised you when Darren started pretending he didn't know you, it surprised you the way he got so fast what you needed.
"Excuse me, missy. I'm new here and I'm kinda lost... Could you help me to find my way back home?" He asked looking at you amused and you couldn't help but smiling. "I'm Darren, by the way."
"Nice to meet you, Darren. You can call me Freckles, as one person used to call me once upon a time." You responded still smiling. "So, where's your home? Maybe I'll be able to help you."
"That's the point. I don't know." He answered, shrugging and pretending to be very worried.
"So, that's a big problem." You stated crossing your arms, also pretending to be worried. Since when could you act? Maybe this was what Dean was talking about when he said you were good at acting. "Maybe we could walk until you remember where your house is."
"Actually, I think it's a good idea. But I wouldn't want to bother you."
"Not a bother. Anyway, I lost my way back home as well, and I have nothing to do." You said smiling and shrugging.
"It's impossible for me to believe that you have nothing to do, guess I'm a lucky dude." Darren said kinda flirty and you couldn't help giggling. "And a girl like you shouldn't be alone this late."
"Why not?" You asked pretending to be intrigued but actually you were amused at his natural way of flirting. Definitely, he was a guy who knew how to flirt, regardless if that wasn't his intention.
"Well, the story goes..." Darren whispered, getting closer to you as if he was telling you a top secret. "That in dark nights like this, with full moon, a werewolf appears in San Francisco to kidnap the prettiest girls..."
"Oh, that's terrible!" You said faking surprise and fear, amazed by Darren's imagination. "Lucky I'm not a pretty girl."
"What? Then you're the most vulnerable, because you're so very beautiful but you aren't bumptious about this. The werewolf will come for you if you keep being alone." Darren whispered as though this was a real secret, still flirting naturally.
"Do you really think so?" You asked pretending to be scared. "What should I do then?"
"You should stay really near me. This werewolf won't do anything to you if he sees you're with a guy." Darren whispered again and you stepped closer, yes you were close enough.
"Is it fine now?" You whispered looking into his bright hazel eyes. Oh, those eyes; you felt a weird ticklish on your belly.
"No, we should be even closer." He whispered, looking fixedly into your eyes, stepping even closer; now you were like four inches away from each other. "Like this." He whispered with a seductive smirk. Was he actually flirting with you? That was ridiculous. Anyway, for some reason, you were enjoying this. "And maybe...we should walk like this." Darren whispered now holding your hand. You couldn't explain why you felt this weird whenever you felt his touch. "Just in case, is safer this way."
"Alright, if you say like this the werewolf won't hurt me, we should do it." You whispered also flirting. If he was talking in a flirty way, why shouldn't you do the same? This was funny. "Would you protect me from the werewolf?" You asked as though you were helpless and also flirty, and Darren looked at you amazed and then he smiled.
"Of course I'll protect you. Always." He whispered looking fixedly into your eyes.
"Thank you." You answered smiling seductively. Wow, you've never flirted with someone before and this was pretty amusing. "We should find our homes, but I don't know which way we should go."
"Hmm, maybe we should go that way." Darren answered, pointing exactly the opposite direction where your home was. However, you didn't say anything, maybe you could stay late this night.
"I agree." You replied with a soft grin and he smiled back at you.
The two of you started walking to the opposite direction to where your home was, holding hands in silence, but the two of you smiling. You seemed to be a couple, like in a romantic movie walking holding hands in the night with full moon and no one walking around. Except for the fact that you weren't a couple and he was still a stranger for you. However, this was being a good night, something that you weren't expecting to happen when you asked him to come here.
"I couldn't help but notice that you have a guitar. Are you a musician?" You suddenly asked intrigued for real. If you were going to pretend you didn't know each other, you needed to discover new things about this Darren Criss guy. He smiled but he didn't look at you, he kept walking holding hands with you.
"That's what I wish." He answered, still smiling and looking at the landscape. "I love music and I wish someday I could become a good musician."
"But, you can play the guitar, can't you? I mean, you wouldn't walk around with a guitar if couldn't play it." You asked intrigued, looking at him while he was looking away.
"Yes, I can." He responded with a soft but genuine giggle.
"That's amazing, I always wanted to learn how to play guitar, but my fingers are dumb, too short to reach the strings and play the right chord." You said frowning and looking down as Darren laughed out loud. "Hey! It's not funny!"
"I'm sorry! It's just that I pictured you trying to reach the strings and... Never mind." Darren said still laughing. He had a flawless laughter, so you couldn't help but smile amused. "I could teach you, if you want."
"Oh no, I gave up on that. I'd never be good at playing musical instruments." You refused, still smiling amused. "So, is guitar the only instrument you can play?"
"No, actually." He answered, still walking holding hands with you peacefully.
"What other instruments can you play?"
"Well..." Darren said smiling but a bit uncomfortable. "Guitar, violin, harmonica, piano, drums, cello and mandolin." He answered quietly while you looked at him agape, with eyes wide open and raising eyebrows, really amazed.
"You gotta be kidding me!" You exclaimed still amazed as he laughed softly. "You aren't kidding, are you?"
"Nope. I'm not kidding." He answered, laughing softly and a bit uncomfortable, maybe he was shy? "But hey, don't think I'm good at playing all of them, I'm still learning."
"You're like this infant prodigy." You commented, still astonished and amazed as Darren finally looked at you raising eyebrows in surprise and amused.
"Infant prodigy?" He finally asked laughing and shaking his head. "No, oh man, no! Not at all."
"Oh please, don't be so self-effacing. I want to see it, I want to know if you're good or not." You requested, looking at him amused.
"Are you like... challenging me?" He asked suspiciously and amused.
"Maybe I am." You answered shrugging. "So, can you sing too?"
"Yes, I can sing. But everybody can sing, the question is if you can sing in tune or not." He answered shrugging but that wasn't answering your question.
"Well, you know that was what I meant. Can you sing in tune?" You asked intrigued again.
"I don't know, you'll have to tell me so." He responded, smiling mysteriously.
"Sing me something, then." You requested, looking fixedly into his eyes. You really wanted to know if he was a good singer or not.
"I will, not now. Soon." He said mysteriously again. Was he planning something?
"Alright, I take your word. And... Do you write your own songs or something?" You asked intrigued over again.
"Oh man, I feel like I'm being interviewed. Or as if you were like a detective trying to solve a crime or something." He laughed merrily.
"Hey! I'm intrigued! Am I making you feel uncomfortable?" You asked now concerned, you didn't want to bug him, despite the fact that you wanted to know more about him.
"Not at all. I love your interest about this. You could be a journalist, you know." He answered smiling sweetly. Oh, that was very sweet. "I tried to write my own songs, yes. But I never finished writing them, not even one song."
"Why not?" You asked curiously and he frowned and looked at you astonished, as if you were the first one who asked him so and he didn't have the answer yet.
"Well, I guess it's because I have a lot of ideas and a lot of things to write about; but I just can't find the way to connect all the things. It's like something is always missing and I can't make it right, I'm still trying to write that perfect song." Darren answered frankly.
"I get it. Like a puzzle!" You exclaimed excited as if this was a very important discovery and he laughed out loud.
"Yes, like a puzzle." He answered still laughing and nodding.
"So, there's something I can't understand..." You said slowly and thoughtful.
"What's that?" He asked smiling softly and looking at the bay.
"You can play like lots of musical instruments, you can sing, and you're writing your own songs; but you don't consider yourself as a musician yet. How come?" You asked looking down kinda confused, frowning and Darren chuckled.
"I've got a lot to learn to be a musician. That's why I'd like to study something related to music and acting at college. I love those things and I love them together." Darren answered quietly.
"I see... This is your last year in high school, isn't it?" You asked quietly.
"Yes, it is." He answered nodding.
"Are you scared?" You asked intrigued because you were scared to start college, a new life; but fortunately you still had one more year to finish high school.
"Like hell." He answered sincerely. "I have no idea what I'll find out there, I have no idea how life in college is. I'm scared that maybe I'll miss here; my family, friends, this city itself. I'm scared because... What if I don't like it? What would I do?" Darren said sounding vulnerable and not like this perfect guy, something that was making him being more perfect. "But maybe college would be the best experience ever; I mean, I'm gonna study what I love. I don't know, I guess I'll have to wait to experience it."
"Yes, that's right. After all, you may be scared because this is a new stage in your life. I guess it was the same when you finished elementary school to start high school, the same happens when you have to start college. Like, all the changes in our lives are scary because we don't know what it'll come to be, but that's pretty exciting at the same time, because we'll do something for the first time and there's nothing better than that. I guess." You said rambling, trying to say all you were thinking, and Darren looked at you with his bright eyes, smiling kindly.
"That's a really good point." He finally said.
Darren and you kept talking about random things while walking holding hands, going to nowhere in particular. This was the best you've done since you've lost your memory. Everything was so natural, plain and spontaneous; as if you've been his friend since you were a little girl. You were feeling very comfortable with him that you forgot all of those incoherent things about W and bad things. It was only you, him and this dark and cool night in San Francisco. It was good.
"I don't want to bug you, but I really need to stop walking. My feet hurt like a lot." Freckles complained after we spent two hours walking without stopping.
"I could always take you in my arms." I said looking at her amused and wagging my eyebrows, as if I were about to make a prank. She got it instantly, so she let out my hand and started walking faster. "Hey, where are you going? I thought you were tired?"
"I was!" She yelled and she started walking even faster, almost running. How on earth could she know what I wanted to do?
"Okay! Hey, you! Stop!" I yelled giggling really amused, now running behind her to catch her.
"Catch me if you can!" She yelled sticking out her tongue, giggling and running as a child as I ran behind her.
She was really fast and she was running all around, laughing so genuinely that I only wanted to catch her to hold her tightly in my arms, only to hear her amazing laughter near me. But suddenly she disappeared in the dark. I looked for her, but I couldn't find her anywhere. I looked for her several minutes and she wasn't appearing, I couldn't hear any kind of sound so I started worrying. What if something bad happened, like that time when Peter caught her?
"Freckles? Where are you?" I yelled in the dark place and my voice echoed.
This place was kinda scary; I've never been here before, considering we've been walking a lot and we were far away from the city and the streetlights. No one seemed to be around and Freckles didn't answer.
"Freckles, this isn't funny! Where are you?" I yelled again, this time even more concerned.
And that was the time when my phone buzzed and I started to get really nervous. I haven't received a text message from W since a long time.
"Beware of the girl, Criss. Bad idea to leave her alone in the dark. -W-"
Oh no, this wasn't good. I needed to hurry up and find her quickly, before than W. So, right in this moment, W was spying us, but it didn't surprise me, W was everywhere. I looked for Freckles, but there was no clue of her, and I couldn't hear any kind of sound.
"Freckles, come on! Get out of wherever you are, this isn't funny at all!" I yelled scared and edgy.
"Party pooper!" I heard a voice yelling and laughing behind me, something that scared the crap out of me.
There she was. Freckles was alone and safe, nothing bad seemed to have happened to her. And she was laughing but I was so very worried so I couldn't laugh. If she didn't appear, then I wouldn't know what W could have done to her. I walked towards her frowning and a bit mad.
"Do not ever do that again! Do not disappear like this, Freckles!" I scolded, as if I were her father or something; just as the same way Jen used to scold me when she was mad at me.
"What? I thought we were having fun." Freckles said bewildered, frowning.
"Well, that wasn't fun! It's dark and it's dangerous to disappear in a place that none of us know! Dammit, don't do it again!" I exclaimed mad, not because I was angry, but because I was really worried.
"Well, sorry." She said now upset and looking away, still frowning. Now she wasn't laughing at all. "Anyway, I don't know why you're being like this, like scolding me as if you were...I don't know, a teacher or my father or something; only because I wanted to play a little. That's absurd. I thought you were cool."
"You don't know how I am because you can't remember, so you have no idea." I said upset now, because somehow her words made me feel angry. I knew I screwed it all when I saw her face.
"Yeah, right." She said almost in a whisper and then she turned on her heels and started walking away.
"Hey, no, wait." I said walking behind her, feeling really guilty and regret because of my rough words; but she kept walking, ignoring me. So I walked faster to reach her and take her by the arm to stop her. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it."
"Yes, you really meant that." She replied looking away and clenching her jaw; nonetheless, she didn't keep on walking. "And you know? That's fine, because that is what happened, I don't remember you so I don't know how you are. And here we are, two fool people pretending not to know each other to start over again something that I don't know how it was like; it was a very stupid idea. Whatever, it's fine." She said kinda disappointed and she tried to walk away again, but I held her.
"No, it's not fine. I don't think this is stupid and I'm really sorry for having said what I said. I was just very worried when I couldn't find you; it's not safe to be alone here this late at night." I said as sincerely as possible, but she didn't look at me.
"Yes, whatever, I forgive you." She said and I felt a bit better, but then she started walking away from me.
"Hey, wait! Where are you going?"
"Home. You said it, it's late." She answered curtly, without looking at me and still walking while I reached her again.
"No, you can't go home."
"Excuse me?" She asked in disbelief, now looking at me raising an eyebrow. "You won't tell me what I can do and what not."
"And I won't. I just... I won't let you go alone..." I said kinda worried again.
I didn't want to mention which the real reason I didn't want her to return home alone was. It wasn't only because it was dangerous and because I knew W was around and I didn't want to worry her by saying that W was here, I didn't want to screw more this moment. It was because I really didn't want her to leave; I wanted to hold on to her at least a little more, I wanted to spend more time with her because I really missed her a lot. But I couldn't tell her this. Then, what could I say?
"I'm old enough to take care of myself, thank you." She answered curtly again.
"Just let me walk you home." I almost begged, I didn't know how to make this better.
"No. Bye, Darren." She said coldly and walked away, leaving me there.
"You know what sucks?" I finally said loudly, so she stopped but didn't turn around to look at me. "That I'm all the time screwing everything up. I really thought I could do this with you, but evidently it wasn't like that. It doesn't matter what I do and how good my intentions are, I always end up screwing everything and it's kinda frustrating. The most frustrating thing is to see how you walk away while I'm still here, wishing to hold on to you at least a little more; but you walk away anyway, because of my fault, because there's always something I do wrong. I wish you could see that I'm trying to do the right thing and I wish you could really forgive me for my stupid mistakes."
I said saying out loud almost all that I was feeling. I had to watch my words not to say some of my deepest secrets feelings for her. And that was the time when she turned around to look at me.
"And I wish you could ever really forgive me because I can't remember you. It's frustrating for me too." She said gloomy and I couldn't say anything, because both of us were right. I only walked towards her and I held both of her hands.
"I forgive you and I'm sorry for making you feel frustrated." I said frankly, looking deeply into her eyes.
"And I forgive you and I'm sorry for making you feel as if you were doing something wrong." She said honestly, also looking deeply into my eyes, so deep that I got lost in her eyes. "After all, you're the only one who made me smile this much lately and I never thanked you for that."
"I told you I was going to do whatever it takes to see you smiling again. And you... You make me smile." I said smiling sweetly at her, caressing her hands with my thumbs. Geez, I really needed to stop telling her how I was feeling with her, I didn't want to freak her out. "Can... Can we just... be together a little more?" I asked awkwardly and shyly.
"Yes, we can." She answered after a while, smiling at me and I felt warmth on my chest.
"Can we just go somewhere else? I know you're tired and you don't want to..." I started saying but she interrupted me.
"Just let's go somewhere else if you want." She said kindly. Yes, she was still being the same person I... I was friends with.
We started walking holding hands again in silence, and I let her lead me wherever she wanted to go; I only wanted to be away from W and I only wanted to be with her, nothing else mattered to me. While we were walking, she was so focused on the way, so I just took advantage to stare at her. How come she could make me this happy if we weren't even talking now? How come this almost insignificant situation could be so perfect to me? Why was she making me feel like this even if it wasn't her intention? And suddenly I pictured both of us, elderly, walking around just holding hands and enjoying being together; I pictured both of us still being happy like this in the future and I thought it could be possible with her, I thought that I could be like this with her for so long. I quickly dissipated those thoughts away from my mind; I shouldn't be thinking of her like this, as if she was my partner or something. But I really had this need to stop her and just hug her, to just feel her as mine. I shouldn't be confused. While I was thinking about this, Freckles led me to a place I've never been before. It was such an amazing place, like a hill with few trees with an excellent view to the city. This place should be definitely a touristic place.
"Do you think here's okay?" Freckles asked looking around and I just stared at her. What I really wanted to answer was that it didn't matter where we were as long as I could be with her; but obviously I didn't answer that.
"Yes, I like this place." I answered instead, grinning amiably.
"So...Umm... Do you think we should..?" Freckles started asking uncomfortable because evidently she didn't know what to do.
I only smiled amused and I sat on the grass, pulling her to make her sit next to me; but like an idiot, I did it so clumsily and hastily that I made her stumble and she ended up sitting on my lap on a weird position. She hit her head on my stomach and she placed her hands on my hips to maintain the balance. Yes, actually her upper body ended up on my lap. Man, I couldn't be that clumsy, that was awkward.
"I'm really sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I apologized quickly feeling like a jerk. She, instead of being mad at me, started laughing.
"It's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine." She said sitting up right next to me, still laughing. "But as a punishment for causing me fall, you have to do something." She said now looking at me mischievously.
"Should I be scared?" I asked looking at her suspiciously.
"Very scared..." She answered with the same mischievous smirk. Oh well, she was being so intriguing and I loved it.
"Am I on time to run away?" I asked jokingly.
"Oh no, sir. Face your punishment." She responded amused and saucy.
"Damn it. Fine, I'll face my punishment, lady." I said also amused. "What do I have to do?"
"Sing to me." She demanded after a while and I smiled brightly at her. Well, nobody else asked me before to sing for them.
"Is that so? I'll be honored." I said still smiling brightly and pulling out my guitar. "What song do you want me to sing?"
"Surprise me." She replied with an amused smile, looking fixedly at me.
Well, I had the perfect song for this moment. I started tuning the guitar until it was sounding good, so then I was ready to start singing. This was weird and I didn't know why I was kind of nervous if I've sung and played my guitar in front of a lot of people before; but with Freckles it was different; she never heard me singing before and I only hoped she could like it, I just didn't know why. Before start singing and playing my guitar, I looked at her straight in her eye and I smiled fondly as she was looking at me intently, smiling softly. This song was definitely dedicated to her, even if I'd never admit that.
Life is beautiful
We live until we die.
When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smiling.
Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.
When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?
Will you come back to me?
I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.
It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's a lot that we can give.
It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's a lot that we can give.
While I was singing I tried to do my best, at some point I wanted to impress her, I wanted to make her feel that the lyrics of the song was dedicated to her. But I didn't dare to look at her while I was singing, because on the other hand I was afraid of what she'd think if she found out that I meant it. But when I finished singing and playing my guitar, I looked up at her and smiled warmy. She was looking at me fixedly and there was a mesmerizing twinkle in her eyes.
"Your voice is dreamy." She whispered as though she was amazed and I smiled even brighter, but I looked down because I was feeling shy.
"Thank you." I answered shyly. Whoa man! She was the first one who made me feel shy when I sang. Dammit, I was like blushing.
"You'll definitely succeed if you dedicate to music. Really, you have this way to sing, so mellow and stripped down and just... I loved it." She said still amazed and she was really making me blush.
"Oh, stop it, you." I said shifting uncomfortable because I was feeling very bashful as never before.
"Have you sung to me before in the past?" She asked intrigued and I looked at her again.
"No, this is the first time." I answered smiling cheerfully.
"I thought so. I mean, how on earth could I forget your voice? It's just so wonderful, no one could forget it." She said thoughtful and amazed.
"You're making me feel flattered, Freckles." I said now giggling nervously.
"Well, you should get used at it. Imagine when people do line to get your autograph or to get a ticket for your show! Imagine all the people screaming your name and wishing to hear you singing, all of your fans telling you amazing things and making you feel even more flattered. You most definitely have to get used." She said smiling, with a dreamy face. Even though her ideas were so unrealistic and illusory, she really made me smile; that was like a very good dream.
"Will you be there for that time?" I asked looking at her deeply into the eyes, giving her a smile.
"Yes, I could be your manager." She answered now also smiling, and letting her fantasies soar.
"What if we form a duet? So that people will do line to get a ticket for our show. That would be awesome." I said also letting my fantasies soar and she burst out laughing.
"That won't happen. Not if you want to succeed. I'll screw it all and people will run away scared trying to save their ears." She said still laughing and I couldn't help giggling softly.
"Why do you say it?" I asked intrigued and amused.
"I'm the most terrible singer you've ever seen, duh." She said raising an eyebrow and still laughing.
"You cannot be that bad." I said looking at her amused. Geez, I loved her laughter.
"Trust me, I can." She assured firmly.
"I want to hear you singing, and then I'll check it." I said looking at her intently. I really wanted to know how her voice was singing. What if she had a beautiful voice? That would make her perfect and she couldn't be that perfect.
"You won't get it." She refused firmly shaking her head.
"Oh, come on, please!" I begged looking into her eyes.
"No way." She refused again, this time even more firmly. So I just got closer to her and took her hands.
"Please?" I asked looking at her, pulling out my puppy eyes. Jen always told me that I could get whatever I wanted if I looked at someone this way, so I was doing it. Freckles glanced at me and she shook her head. "Pretty please?"
"Oh my God. How do you do that?" She asked looking at me in disbelief. "Fine, I'll do it. But trust me, I'm a really bad singer, like the worst." She said frowning and I smiled brightly. Yay! I got it and I was feeling really joyful.
"It doesn't matter. I only want to hear you singing. My friend, Jen, is a bad singer but she sings anyway. You see, music has this effect on people, it doesn't matter how bad you're singing, you just feel good while singing." I said trying to make her feel more comfortable.
"Well, you see, I know it. I sing while showering or in my bedroom. But I've never sung in front of someone. And it's really shameful to me to sing in front of you who happen to have a fantastic voice." She pointed out, looking away nervously.
"Oh, please! Forget about it, I'm not here to judge how you sing; I'm here to hear you singing and just have a good time together. How many times have you had a moment like this? Imagine you're sitting around a bonfire, everybody sings." I said persuasive.
"Fine, fine, I'll do it." She said less nervous now, but still nervous anyway.
"Okay, let's do this. Considering that music is like the best way to let soar all we feel, let's play a kind of game." I said when I came up with an idea.
"What kind of game?" She asked, both suspiciously and intrigued.
"You'll sing a song which expresses what you really feel. Be wise to choose the proper song. And... I'll answer what I think, also singing. So, what do you think?" I asked while looking at her with a wide smile.
"I don't know..." She answered unsure, now looking down. "I don't know if I can do it. It's like very private."
"Hey..." I said smoothly, holding her hands. "I won't judge you. I thought that maybe you could need to tell someone how you're actually feeling, but it's hard for you because nobody seems to care and because it's always hard to say to another one how you really feel. Regularly, you can't find the right words, therefore and some times it could be better to do it singing." I said kindly looking at her. I knew she was feeling like that, because I still remembered the time we were in Marin Headlands for the first time.
"Fine..." She answered shyly. "Maybe you're right."
"Cool. So, you'll sing and I'll play my guitar. Deal?" I asked cheerfully.
"Deal." She said grinning faintly.
"Do you already have the song you want to sing?" I asked looking at her. I was really intrigued to know which song she would pick.
"I do. I can't believe I'm gonna do this." She said in disbelief shaking her head, but she started singing.
There's a girl
Who sits under the bleachers.
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she can't find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...
Freckles started singing, at first very shyly and almost in a whisper. I was just so astonished by the song she picked. I wasn't expecting this song; this was a really sad song and I felt kinda down to know she was feeling like this. Anyway, I played my guitar while looking at her intently sometimes. Her voice was so sweet and melodious, of course she was out of tune sometimes, but I thought it could be because she's never practiced, unlike me. I thought that if she could practice a little more, her voice would sound like angelical.
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, I really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day
When you'll ask her… her name
The beginning, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...
Now there was something different in Freckles. It seemed as if she had forgotten she was with someone, it seemed as if she thought she was alone and she was pouring out all she has held on to inside for so long. She was singing in a way that it didn't matter she was out of tune, because she had this way to make feel to the other exactly what she was feeling, she had this ability to make me feel touched by her song; and that was really hard to do. Goddammit, all this time she was feeling like that. Each line she was singing was making me feel even more distressed inside. But I kept playing my guitar.
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really, really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day that you will ask her...her name
And one day just the same as the last
Just the days been in counting the time
Came a boy that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further behind...
When she finished singing I noticed she was still so into the song and she was still pouring out all she was feeling. She was down, yes; but there was something in her eyes when she finally looked at me, something that made me remind when she tried to talk to me at the hospital only with her gaze. Her eyes were teary, but I couldn't tell if it was because she was sad or she was touched, it was as though something bright was hidden in the dark. I couldn't help it, my eyes filled with tears. I didn't say anything at all, I just put my guitar aside and I moved closer to her, so close. We stared into each other's eyes for a long while, just that. It was something special and I finally pulled her into a warm embrace, I held her in my arms tightly in silence, trying to make her feel she wasn't a miss always invisible to me; trying to make her feel that she was important to me. That hug was the best hug ever and it lasted several minutes. I just couldn't let her go.
"Thank you, for being that boy who sat under the bleachers just a little bit further behind." Freckles whispered in my ear with choked voice while we were still hugging, sitting on the grass.
"I will always be that boy and I wish you could let me sit a little bit closer to you." I whispered, moving a little away just to look into her eyes. I fondled her cheek very smoothly and I smiled fondly at her.
"Only if you really want." She replied, looking at me deeply into my eyes as if there was a hint of hope in her eyes.
"No, it's not what I want, it's what I need." I said honestly still smiling fondly. At this point, I couldn't stop myself from saying what I was feeling. Right when I said so, the twinkle appeared again in her eyes and it was as if her face lit up.
"Thank you." She said smiling and the she leaned to kiss my cheek very smoothly.
Oh goddammit, I started feeling a bunch of things, mostly I felt that ticklish on my lower stomach again. I couldn't help but to close my eyes when she kissed my cheek. This was one of the things I missed the most about her, feeling like this whenever she kissed me. And I had this need to turn my face and kiss her lips, I wanted to do it so badly but I needed to contain myself, so my body started trembling. When she moved away I opened my eyes to look at that pretty girl in front of me. I couldn't keep denying it; yes, I was in love with her. She smiled at me kindly and I leaned to attempt to kiss her because it was I wanted to do, but she moved and rested her head on my lap, closing her eyes with the same bright smile. I noticed that I was about to do the worst thing ever, right when things were fine again, so I just started stroking her hair as she kept her eyes shut with a peaceful expression on her face. It was so amazing to see her like this that I couldn't help smiling.
"Could you sing to me again?" Freckles requested softly, still with her eyes closed. I brushed my thumb on her cheek, very glad to hear her asking that.
"If you ask me so like that...I will, yes." I answered smiling, even if she wasn't looking at me.
I leaned and I rested my head on my lap so then I was facing her face, I could see her very close to me and I saw every feature of her face. I stared at her for a while, just like this, looking at her long eyelashes, her luscious lips, her soft skin and all of her cute freckles and the scar in her jaw. I was like bewitched with her, she had that effect on me. I placed my hands on her arms and like this, I started singing softly in her ear.
When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
You've got a friend.
If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow,
Keep your head together and call my name out loud.
Soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them,
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call, Lord, I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
You've got a friend. You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend? Ain't it good to know you've got a friend?
Oh, yeah, yeah, you've got a friend.
This time I looked at her during all the song; this time I didn't play my guitar, this time I didn't want to impress her; this time it was more intimate, like I was whispering her a secret and not actually singing. She didn't open her eyes while I was singing, but I noticed how she was smiling and I noticed how a tear streamed down her face. When I finished singing, she opened her eyes and our eyes met to stare into each other's eyes for a long time without uttering a single word. I'd never understand what happened in that moment, but it was like magical, as sappy as it could sound. I didn't think anything; I just let myself be carried away by her eyes and my feelings. I leaned in and I nuzzled my nose with hers, her lips were now like a magnet to mine. I couldn't contain myself any longer, my lips were so urgent on hers, so I slowly brushed my lips against hers; it was a fleeting touch but my body started trembling because I had all these feelings. So I kissed her lips very slightly while placing a hand on her cheek. I was about to kiss her again, this time more firmly; but she pulled away from the kiss. I looked at her nervously because I knew I shouldn't have done it, and I knew it when I saw her bewildered face, frowning in confusion and looking down. I totally screwed it all. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn't because this time I couldn't regret it, because that was what I wanted to do and because I felt good doing so; but I needed to apologize because obviously she didn't want the same.
"Freckles... I'm really sorry...I..." I started babbling nervously, trying to make eye contact with her again.
"Darren..." She whispered still looking down and then she looked up at me. Her eyes were bigger than ever and she still had this bewildered look.
"Yes, I know, I screwed it again, I'm sorry..." I said gulping, feeling even more nervous because of her intense look.
"No, no..." She said shaking her head and still looking at me wide-eyed, now shedding some tears. Oh no, shit, I made her feel terrible and I didn't even want to do so.
"I'm really sor..." I started saying apologetically, but she interrupted me.
"I remember everything. I remember you, Darren."