A/N: Alright guys! New chapter is up! I'm glad for your reviews! I thought that maybe I could thank you personally this time with the last reviews and I'm gonna do the same in the next chapters! So now I'm gonna take a time to answer you so... Here I go!
caarolineboeira1: First of all, thank you a lot for always giving me your opinion of how the story is developing! You really make me smile when I read your comments, they're so expressive and more than once you made me feel moved with your words! :) You wrote "all this time Darren and Freckles weren't together yet, just made their love grow" Well, that's true; at least is what I wanted to do!
Kaylacriss332: Cliffhanger, yes! I don't know, it's like I have an obsession with cliffhangers, but you surely already noticed it! I don't know why I do always have to end a chapter with a cliffhanger, for some reason I think that this way you'll be more excited to read the next chapter. Well, I kind of like the suspense! haha
Guest: You wrote this: "they better get together or at least flirt a LOT more in the next chapter!" Well, well, you'll find it out now! ;) I think you'll like the next chapters, not sure about this one, though! And thank you for your lovely words! :)
LiesMiranda: You already know that I'm very thankful, you've always supported me and you've helped me to improve my writing! I owe you a lot! You wrote this: "Can't wait to see the return of W, I'm sure we've spent enough time without him and he'll be making a scary return soon!" W: He, she, they or it? W will come back soon; and yes... The return is gonna be quite interesting, I think, I hope! And I think you'll hate W, very much.
A: Thank you a lot for your words! I tried to make it cute and innocent and... What better than doing it with games in between? I found it funny and maybe accurate, considering they're teens and they're discovering this new thing called love, that is such a beautiful part of life!
amanecerita83: Aww thanks! Thank you for support me and all of your reviews! Well, in this chapter and in the next chapters you'll find out how they end up! What do you think? How should they end up? ;)
Gabby: haha you made me laugh! You seem pretty excited and that makes me happy! I'm glad you're happy for what is happening! Let's see how you feel in this new chapter! :)
Okay, that's all for today, guys! Oh yeah, by the way, I was thinking... Maybe this would be even more entertaining and more interactive for me and also for you if you ask me some things you want to know about everything you want: About me, about the story, about the characters, about the weather or about the sky, I don't whatever! haha And also I was thinking that it'd be interesting if you tell me what is the line that you liked the most in the chapter from now on! And tips to improve my writing are always welcome! Okay, okay, I think I've talked (actually written) a lot for today. Soooooo, I'll let you read this new chapter! Enjoy and until next Saturday! Warm fuzzies!
TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 18
Welcome to my life
You were very tipsy after that game of "Never have I ever" or whatever. Point was that you shouldn't have played it even if it was funny; you shouldn't have played it because the only and last time you drank before, things didn't end in a good way. However this time was different, because you weren't feeling sick like that time; you were feeling only a bit dizzy and everything seemed funny, you couldn't stop laughing and you felt hot even when it was actually cold. You could barely talk in a modulate way and you were more cheeky and sassy than ever; somehow, nothing seemed embarrassing to you at this point. Summing up, you were having a good time, until you decided to play the spin-the-bottle game. The first person you had to kiss was Chuck, you couldn't believe that you were kissing Darren's brother; but he made you feel this was only a game, therefore, you didn't feel uncomfortable. He even joked during the kiss. You still could remember his words before he kissed you.
"I dare you to look at my little bro's face after we kiss. I bet he'll be jealous." Chuck whispered before he kissed you.
Why would he say something like that? And why would he mention Darren? You couldn't get it, that didn't make sense. Anyway, after you kissed you glanced at Darren as Chuck challenged you, and you noticed something weird on Darren's face, but you couldn't call that jealousy.
"This is not gonna work for us." Chuck said shaking his head and serious but then he giggled and you giggled along with him. "Really... Don't you want to try this with my little bro?"
"What are you talking about?" You asked frowning and giggling. Oh wow, why couldn't you stop laughing? This wasn't a funny thing.
"Nothing at all. Only that you two could make it better. Just... instinct." Chuck answered amused and then he walked away, leaving you there, confused.
What was that supposed to mean? At this point nothing made sense to you, but somehow, at the same time, everything made sense and it was funny. Damn, you were confusing things and this wasn't good, but, at the same time, it seemed to be good in this moment. Yes, something inexplicable and you couldn't understand anything, you were just aware that you were having a good time. After you had to kiss Jen, the first girl you've ever kissed, it was her turn to spin the bottle again and it stopped on Darren. You remembered when Darren told you that Jen was like his first love but it didn't work for them; so you understood what Jen wanted to say when she spoke.
"Darren! Like the old times!" She exclaimed giggling exaggeratedly. Evidently, she was just as tipsy as you were.
Anyway, that was funny for you, considering you knew their story; and it seemed even funnier when both of them agreed that it wouldn't work like the old times. You and Chuck laughed, but your sister remained looking at them confused. Maybe Darren didn't tell her about the little love affair he and Jen had. In that case, you felt a bit good; because there were things you knew about Darren that your sister didn't know, despite the fact that she was like his girlfriend or whatever. Point was that now it was Darren's turn to spin the bottle. Deep down, you really wanted the bottle to stop on you because you wanted to kiss him over again; you wanted to feel all of those feelings you felt when he kissed you for the very first time, that time before you lost your memory, that time you remembered pretty well but you didn't admit to Darren. You wanted to get that perfect kiss from him at least for the last time, because you knew that you'd never get it again considering that he was dating your sister. He was with your sister and you wanted to kiss your sister's boyfriend. Oh boy, it felt so wrong; you were being like a bitch. You just couldn't want your sister's boyfriend, despite the fact that you've been in love with him since years. Hush! You needed to stop thinking about all of this, you should remember that Darren was your sister's boyfriend and you'd never be able to be with him, the guy you've been in love since the first time you saw him. Furthermore, Darren would never want to be with you if he had your sister, because your sister was the prettiest girl ever and you were just a geek, as people used to call you. But the bottle stopped on you and you started feeling nervous as hell; not to mention when he walked towards you with his enthralling smile.
"We don't have to do this if you don't want. I respect you." He whispered and you gulped.
You really didn't know what to answer. It was so nice from him to say that he respected you, but on the other hand, you started to think that maybe he was saying that because he didn't want to kiss you and it was understandable. Who would want to kiss a girl like you? So you only looked up and smiled softly, even if deep down you were feeling very insecure.
"It's fine for me." You answered shrugging, pretending to be indifferent, pretending you considered this as only a game.
"Are you sure? Listen, if you don't want, we can pretend we're kissing but actually we aren't." He said and you started to think that most probably he didn't want to do this.
"Yes, it's fine. But hey, if you don't want... Well, if you don't want it and you feel uncomfortable, we can pretend it, as you said." You whispered nervously, trying to still pretend indifference, but it was hard and it wasn't working. You were feeling anguished and you knew you shouldn't feel like that but you couldn't help it.
"No, no!" He suddenly exclaimed and you looked at him frowning. You had to contain yourself not to laugh because it was actually funny the way he said it so abruptly with a super odd grimace. "I want this." He said looking into your eyes in such a way that your heart started beating faster.
Oh goodness, he wanted it; he said he wanted it and you started making up things on your mind. Why did he say he wanted it? Maybe to make you feel better because he noticed you were kinda anguished. No, it couldn't be that because you pretended to be indifferent. But there was no other explanation. Then you felt how he leaned and you thought he was going to kiss you quickly and slightly, but instead, he brushed his nose on yours and it was so cute that you couldn't help but to smile in front of his lips. And then he brushed his lips on yours and you closed your eyes as soon as you felt the contact and the warmth of his lips. Oh, his lips tasted so good and were very soft... He started kissing you very smoothly and very gently, as though he was feeling shy. You knew the kiss wouldn't last considering the way it started, but you were wrong. He placed one of his hands on the nape of your neck and the other one on your jaw; then he pulled you closer and deepened the kiss. Oh lord, it was feeling so damn good. You forgot where you were, you forgot about your sister, you forgot about all the shitty things that were happening and you only focused on this amazing and perfect moment. He was making you feel weird, as if you were wanted, as if you were loved; he made you feel as if you were like in a dream, a very good dream. It was remarkable the way he could make you tremble, the way he could make you be overflowing with joy, and the way he could give you goosebumps. You let yourself be carried away by the kiss because, hell, this was what you always wanted, you were kissing the guy you loved and... What could be more perfect than that? Even though this was part of the game, you allowed yourself to think this was a real kiss. After all, no one could find out you were feeling this kiss like a real deal, and not like a game; no one could find out your feelings for Darren; so you took advantage of this, you had the excuse it was a game. So you dared to run your fingers through Darren's soft curls. Oh geez, his curls were so soft and flawless. You knew you were getting carried away way too much, but you didn't care. The alcohol and the desire you had to kiss him all night long were stronger than the conscious part of your mind which was telling you this wasn't right. When he lowered his hand from your neck to your waist, you felt very turned on and you knew that now you wouldn't be able to stop and control yourself. You were feeling wild, your body was trembling, you were breathing fast and your heart was pounding; all of that were symptoms that this was one of the best moments of your life. You weren't aware of where you were until your sister interrupted both of you.
"Well, well, I think it was enough!" She exclaimed edgily and loudly.
You felt how everybody was looking at you and you felt very ashamed. They were observing you and Darren kissing fiercely and it was very embarrassing. You kissed him fiercely and your sister, Darren's girlfriend, was there watching you. You felt bad, as if you didn't have any kind of respect for her. What kind of person were you now? This was wrong, so wrong. You moved away from Darren and you started blushing; now feeling very shy. But then Darren moved closer to you to whisper something in front of your lips while fondling your cheek very kindly. He said something that made your heart skip a beat.
"I love you, so much."
No, he couldn't have said it; he was tipsy, that was the reason why he said so. There was no way that Darren could feel such a thing for you, it was impossible. Nevertheless, a feeling of extreme happiness grew on your heart when he said those words. It was the most precious and lovely thing that someone has ever told you. You wanted to tell him that you loved him so much as well; but you couldn't, because your sister was there.
"No, Darren..." You started saying nervously, now looking down because you couldn't look into his eyes any longer. His glorious hazel eyes were killing you.
"Freckles, please..." He whispered supplicant, now looking at you with that kind of look which was making him look as a puppy. And he said your name, he was aware it was you. "Please, tell me that you love me too. Tell me that you love me back." He said now grazing his nose on yours while you forgot again you weren't alone.
"I love you too." You whispered in front of his lips, feeling that urge to kiss him again. But no, then you remembered your sister again. You needed to fix this now. "You're my best friend, Darren, of course I love you."
"No... I love you more than that." He whispered and sighed in front of your lips before you felt his lips pressed against yours again.
Oh boy, oh boy, this was feeling so good and you didn't have the strength to break the kiss; because, after all, you didn't want to break the kiss. How could you stop kissing the boy you loved? It was impossible. Geez, you started to feel turned on again. Why was this happening anyway? Why was Darren kissing you again and why was he telling you that he loved you? The only logical explanation was that he was drunk so he wasn't aware of what he was doing or saying, he was going to forget this and he was going to regret this next day. And you were tired of pretending that nothing happened, because everything was happening for you, because this was the best that could be happening to you, but, clearly, it wasn't the same for him. And you were tired of being hurt. Yes, you needed to stop the kiss, for the good of the two of you.
"Darren, no, stop." You said roundly, not wanting to look at him in the eye.
But you failed. You glanced at him when you softly pushed him away from you; and he was looking at you with his puppy eyes, apparently hurt. He seemed so harmless and vulnerable as you've never seen him before. He looked downwards with a sad look, eyebrows up, and lips down-turned.
"I'm so sorry. I'm not sorry for the kiss 'cause it's something I really wanted to do; but I'm sorry because I should have respected you. I'm so sorry, Freckles." He whispered apologetically, still looking down. Oh, you felt so bad. If only things were different...
"No, it's okay..." You started saying also apologetically, still feeling bad.
"Okay! I think the game is over!" You heard how your sister exclaimed loudly in the distance.
"Why? I thought we were having fun." You heard how Jen said upset, also in the distance. But you didn't care what they were saying; you were still looking at Darren who seemed to be downhearted because of your fault.
"Yes, we were having fun until a girl who has never been kissed took advantage to kiss my boyfriend in a wild way. Pathetic." Your sister stated displeased.
It sounded rough but you ignored it. Darren was more important. You noticed how Darren was now looking at your sister in anger... Was that actually a dark look? You finally stopped looking at Darren to look at your sister and Jen. Both of them seemed to be upset.
"He's not your boyfriend, when will you understand it?" Jen asked provocatively and you looked at her astonished. You definitely haven't seen Jen like this before.
"You have no idea. Do you think that only because you're his stupid friend you know everything about him?" Your sister replied just as provocatively. Oh no, this shouldn't be happening.
"Listen, you... If you're here it's only because you have an awesome sister and we're doing this for her, not because any of us want you here. Is that clear?" Jen said annoyed, looking fixedly at your sister.
"Awesome sister? Oh please, bitch. She's the farthest thing of awesome that I know. What kind of girl who takes advantage to kiss a guy for the very first time in her life can be awesome? It's pathetic and piteous. Poor thing, she knows nobody would want to kiss her for real." Your sister said coldly and rudely. Ouch, her words were really hurting you, why was she saying all that? You thought you were fine now.
"What kind of sister are you, Amanda?" Darren suddenly asked in disbelief, furiously. You looked at him with eyes wide open and you took his hand as a sign that you wanted him to stop saying those things. You didn't want to witness a dispute; you knew your sister when she was mad and it was terrible. "Either you're a hideous sister or you aren't aware of the amazing person you have as a sister. You don't have a freaking idea of what's like to be like her, so don't mess. You're the pathetic one who can't appreciate all the good things you have."
"Darren, please stop." You whispered, begging him; but he apparently didn't hear.
"What? Oh my god. Of course I know how it's like to be like her because I live with her. She's only this lonely and pitiful little girl who's always depressed of everything, a little baby girl who cries all the time for stupid and nonsense things. She's that kind of girl who makes a big drama out of a small problem, only to get attention. She always has this stupid urge to have everybody on their knees, asking her how is she doing or what is happening to her; only because she's so idiot that she cannot strike up a friendship with anybody." Mandy said rudely and so heartless that hurt you deeply.
"You have no idea..." Darren started saying just as rudely, clenching his teeth, his glare reflecting pure cholera.
"Stop it." You voiced very loudly and so determined that your voice echoed and everybody looked at you in silence. You looked at your sister straight into her eyes, hurt but also angry. "Do you really want to know what's like to be like me? Good, I'll tell you, Amanda."
"How interesting, let's see what you have to tell me." Your sister laughed ironically and you ignored it.
"You know what? I won't tell you, I'll sing it. Someone really wise once told me that music can say all the things that words can't and I completely agree with this." You said furiously but then you looked at Darren with a slight smile, just to let him know he was this someone you were talking about.
"Oh god, I don't want to hear you singing, it's gonna be terrible." Your sister said nastily.
"Shut up, Amanda and listen to me!" You yelled in a bossy way, out of control.
Everybody looked at you astonished and disturbed, even your sister who was silent now. You looked at her fixedly and then you started singing, with no instrument and anything. It was only you, singing to your sister while everybody was looking at you. You felt the pressure of their gazes, but you decided to ignore it and just sing; because, this way, you would finally be able to let out all of that you've been holding onto your inside for so long.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you.
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming.
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright.
You don't know what it's like
To be like me.
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life.
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding.
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me.
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life.
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like.
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life.
Welcome to my life.
Welcome to my life.
You sang it with all your emotions and feelings, it was very meaningful. You allowed yourself to express all that you were feeling and now you were feeling this pressure on your chest, a combination of sorrow and fury; it was very intense to sing it, because that was exactly the way you were feeling. Now you were looking down and when you finally looked up, you saw your sister looking at you bewildered and frowning, and you couldn't tell what kind of look that was. On the other hand, Jen and Chuck were looking at you with eyes wide open and astonished; while Darren was looking at you also frowning but with a grievous look. You looked away, feeling nervous, while your body was shaking; but you weren't nervous because it worried you what they could be thinking about you, you were nervous because you finally let out something very important of you. You sighed while looking down and then you turned around to leave that place, without uttering a word. No one followed you, because they were still bewildered, and you were glad of that because you needed to be alone right now. You walked for a while, with no rush and to nowhere in particular. When you were sure you were far enough, you sat on the sand to observe the ocean in front of you, and just to think. When would be the time you could be in peace and just enjoy your life as everybody else? When would be the time when you'd be able to be yourself and do the things you really wanted to do? Everybody always told you that you have to make of your life what you want it to be; but nobody ever told you that sometimes you can't make it because this isn't about only yourself, there are others involved, people who can change everything. And this was your case: You wanted to be with Darren because you loved him, but you couldn't because your sister was in the middle; your sister who loathed you for no reason. You wanted to have a close family, but your sister couldn't stand you and even your own father kicked out from your own house. You wanted to be respected and to be appreciated by the way you were, but people would make fun of you all the time and just because you tried to be yourself, they called you a geek, nerd, weirdo, big ass, pimple face, and so many other ways. You wanted to have good grades in school so you could get a scholarship for college, but your grades were getting worse and worse because you couldn't focus on studying while you kept receiving anonymous threats and because shitty things were happening often. You wanted to be someone in your life, but it always seemed that you were nobody, like a ghost fooling around. Yes, you had Darren and Jen as your friends, your real friends; and now there was also Chuck; but somehow, you were feeling alone and empty. That was the thing: you were feeling empty; as if there was nothing that could make you feel excited for something because you knew that it wouldn't work, that it wouldn't last, something that has been happening since a long time. Why couldn't you just disappear and start a new life, to start from scratch? Yes, you wanted to start over again a new life, but you wanted to keep Darren and Jen with you and that was impossible; because, want it or not, they would keep reminding you the bad things that happened to you, of course not intentionally. You couldn't keep being like this, you needed to change something; if people couldn't respect you, then you needed to make them respect you, but first you needed to respect yourself. When you were deep in thought, you heard some steps walking towards you.
"What the hell was that?" Your sister asked furious behind you and you just rolled your eyes. You weren't in mood to talk to her, so you didn't answer. "Would you answer me?"
"Go away, Amanda. I don't want to talk to you." You answered curtly.
"Oh no, you'll talk to me, because you made me look like an idiot there, you stupid." Mandy said furiously and you felt how all the rage started to run through your veins.
"Listen, Amanda. If you don't go away right now, you'll know me truly angry and you don't want it; because I can be the worst person ever when angry. So go away, before I start talking." You said furious and coldly, looking into her eyes now.
"Why don't you just talk and show the world how you truly are, eh?" Your sister requested defiant.
"Get the fuck out of here, Amanda! I'm sick of you, I'm sick of your hypocrisy and lies. You're a nasty person, Amanda, and I honestly can't get why you have friends if you're the most selfish and abominable person I know. Only because you're pretty you think you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Guess what? You can't mess with me, so get the fuck out." You said as coldly as never before. But you were really tired of her and you wouldn't let her treat you however she wanted.
"Oh well, I have something to tell you too. Stop messing with me and Darren, you stupid girl. Can't you get it? Look at you, you're ugly, you're a geek and you have no grace. Why would you think that Darren wants to be with you? Stop living in an imaginary world and face the real world in which you're nobody. Face it, Darren would never want to be with you. Look for someone like you, Darren is not at your low level. And he's mine." Your sister said coldly and nastily.
"Your words mean nothing to me. I don't care what you think about me, I know what I am. And what if I don't want to stop messing between you and Darren?" You asked challengingly. "Only because you're my sister doesn't mean that you can decide what I have to do and what not. Guess what, Amanda? I love Darren and I won't let you play with him as if he were a toy. I'm gonna prove I'm better than you, because I know I am, even if I'm not pretty as you are. But you know? I have something you don't have and it's called true love. You'll never feel it and I feel bad for that." You said coldly, looking fixedly at your sister. You were standing up for the love of your life and it felt good. "So this is it all. You want Darren? Go for him. But know that I also want him because I'm in love with him, and this time I won't walk away from him thinking that I need to respect you. You have no respect for me, so then I won't have respect for you. I love him too, so I'll stand for him, I'll try to get what I really want; and if he doesn't love me back, well, I'll find it by myself and not because you tell me so. But I won't give up on him without trying. So deal with it, Amanda." You said determined and surer than ever. Then you felt something for the first time: self-confidence. Your sister now seemed to be astonished and surprised by your reaction.
"Well... I..." She started stammering nervously. "Oh wow." She exclaimed raising her eyebrows with eyes wide open. "I never expected to hear something like this." She finally said and she sat on the sand next to you. "So... this is it all? Is this now a kind of fight between sisters to get a boy's attention?" She asked staring the ocean, just the same you were doing.
"We've never been real sisters. And yeah, this is it all." You answered softening your voice and very serious.
"Don't say that." Your sister whispered faintly.
"What? Is there something you don't want to hear?" You asked with indifference.
"Yes, that thing you said... that we've never been real sisters." Mandy answered in a whisper as both of you were still observing the ocean.
"That's the truth, Amanda, and you know it. We're sisters because we have the same parents, but we never learned how to be real sisters of soul. You're just my family, not my sister with whom I can count on; and the same goes for me, I'm not that kind of sister to you." You said being frankly and feeling bad, but saying all those things never said between you both.
"There was a time when we were real sisters. Have you forgotten it? When we were kids and we used to spend all time together, playing and telling silly secrets? Have you forgotten those vacation on Grand Canyon National Park when we were together all the time, seeking for adventures? When I fell off the valley and you risked your safety just to help me out? When we were watching the stars and you taught me the most famous constellations? When you were feeling cold and I gave you my hoodie because you forgot it on the camp? Have you forgotten all those times?" Mandy asked, still looking at the ocean, with brittle voice. You couldn't help shedding some tears; of course you remembered it all, but it was long time ago, your good old times.
"No, I haven't forgotten those times, Mandy." You whispered faintly, still looking at the ocean and trying to hold your tears back. "But that was long time ago. As the years passed by, we grew up and we gradually grew apart until we became the girls we are now. Everything is different now."
"I wish things could be different for us now. I never wanted to grow apart from you. What happened to us?" Mandy asked with a heavy sigh, finally looking at you. You noticed she had teary eyes.
"We started high school; you became popular, always surrounded by friends, as I became this smartass and lonely girl I am now. Our interests changed, you prioritized popularity over smartness and I prioritized smartness over popularity. You noticed that being near me would make you lose your popularity and I got that it was important to you, so I walked away, so you could have that popularity you always wanted. Our personalities were opposite, so we couldn't stand each other. And we never talked about this, so yeah, we grew apart, and this is why we're so distant now. You don't know anything about me and I don't know anything about you. It's sad not to know how your own sister is." You said softly, looking down and kinda anguished. "And there's something I'd never understand... What have I done to you for you to hate me this much?" You asked looking into her eyes. You needed to know this since a long time and you never had the chance to ask her this, so it was normal that you were feeling nervous.
"I don't hate you. If I ever treated you bad it wasn't because I hate you, it was because I'm jealous of you." Mandy whispered shyly, looking down.
"Jealous of me? What kind of crap is that?" You asked in disbelief, feeling a pressure on your chest and you couldn't figure out why you were feeling it. "Why would you feel jealous of me, Amanda? You always had everything, everything at all: the beauty, the sexiness, the popularity, the sympathy, a lot of friends, a lot of guys who would do even the impossible to be with you, a wardrobe full of clothes and shoes, and you've always been dad's favorite. You always had that ability to get whatever you wanted. And look at me. I'm not pretty, I don't have many friends, I'm the less sexy girl on this planet, I'm lonely and in high school I'm the loser, never a guy wanted to be with me, I wear these boring clothes because all the clothes look awful on me, and my own dad doesn't love me, I've been kicked out of my own house. Why would you be jealous of me?" You asked looking at your sister with teary eyes.
"You don't understand it, do you? What's the point of being pretty if you aren't smart? What's the point of having a lot of friends if you don't have real ones with whom you can count on? What's the point of being popular and do whatever it takes to get it if soon I'll have to start a new stage on my life at college? What's the point of having a lot of clothes if I don't have someone with whom I can share it? What's the point of having a lot of guys who would do whatever to be with me if they only want to get in my pants and not really love me? What's the point of being dad's favorite if I can't have my sister to share girls' moments as before? When you stop to think about that, it's not cool to be me; I have nothing even if it seems I have it all. And you seem not to have anything, but actually you have it all: you have the smartness that would remain on you forever, that would help you to be important in this life; you have only few friends, but amazing friends who would do whatever for you only to see you happy; you don't have a wardrobe full of clothes because you don't need it to feel confident yourself, because you have real virtues that come from soul and not from physical appearance." Your sister said with choked voice, looking deeply into your eyes and you started feeling sad because she was being more honest than ever; you were finding out knew things about her, about her hidden feelings; you were having that talk you never had. "You think that no guy would want to be with you, but truth is that those guys don't want to be with you because they're assholes and they only want sex, and they, somehow, know that they can't mess with you with that; but there's a guy who truly loves you for who you are, only that you can't see it. And I feel so jealous for that because I'd never know how it feels like to be truly loved by someone." You sister said now crying. She was crying in front of you for the first time and you've never seen her so weak and sincere like this before. You'd have never imagined that she could be feeling like this. "And Darren... Darren is the only guy who ever made me feel loved and I screwed it because of the fear I was feeling. I was falling in love with him and I never felt such a thing for anybody else, so I was scared. Darren is the only guy who made me see which the real and important things in this life are, he is the one who was making me change for better and now I lost him. I know I lost him but I don't want to admit it, because he's one of the best things that happened to me lately. First I lost you, my little sister who used to care about me but I couldn't see it; and now I lost him. It's as if I can't hold on the good things with me." She said tearing up, and you couldn't help sobbing. If only you knew all of this before. "And I'm so sorry because I've acted like a bitch with you. You have no idea how sorry I am. I never knew that you could feel like that, like the song. But you know me, I barely express what I feel and I couldn't let you know I was sorry because of my pride. I never wanted my little sister to feel like this and I'm sorry because I never did anything to prevent or to stop that, to help you as you'd help me if I were in your situation. I feel terrible and I don't know how to change all the bad things I've said and done to you. I hope someday you can forgive me and we can return to be those sisters we used to be." Mandy said crying disconsolately, trying to wipe her tears away. You didn't know what to say, you were feeling very thrilled and anguished that you could hardly talk.
"I forgive you, Mandy." You finally said with choked voice and she cried even more, so you pulled her into a real and honest hug. "We're still in time to return to be the sisters we used to be. I never knew you were feeling like this, Mandy, and I'm so sorry. If only we had talked about this before, things would have been so different now. But it's done, now what we can do is to start over again, after all, you're always gonna be my sister and I'll always love you." You said smiling at her fondly.
"You've always been so caring. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you forever. And... and... if you truly love Darren, then I'll walk away from you two. Darren is a good person and he's the only one who deserves you as you deserve him, and I want you to be happy, so I won't bug you anymore." Your sister said now more calmed and you looked down. You couldn't do this to her after all she told you, after she told you that Darren was one of the best things that happened to her; no matter how much you loved him.
"No, Mandy. Listen... Darren and I are just friends and you know... I don't think we can be more than that, I don't think it would work. You... Darren feels something for you, or he wouldn't have dated you. You told me he's one of the few best things that happened to you lately; you told me he is changing you for better. And, as your sister, I would love to see you with him..." You said looking down, feeling very sad and having troubles to say this because you really loved Darren; but this was the right thing to do.
"No, I don't want you to give up on him because of my fault. If you love him, just go for him and forget about me."
"No, that's not right. I can't just forget about you, I wouldn't like to hurt you and well... you said it, I hardly think Darren would want to be with me and I'll end up hurting myself too."
"What I said earlier was because I was jealous and I was saying just hurtful but not meaningful words. All that I said is a lie, you should know it. And you know? You should stop thinking about others and start thinking about yourself. It's not fair to live your whole life based on other people's opinions. I'm not saying that you should do whatever you want forgetting about others and their feelings; but I'm saying that you should also live your life. Sometimes you have to think about yourself in first place and you should stop thinking what others want to start thinking what you want. So let me ask you and please be honest... Do you want to be with Darren?" Your sister asked looking deeply into your eyes.
"I... Mandy, it doesn't matter, really." You answered looking away.
"I didn't ask if it matters or not. I only asked if you want to be with Darren."
"Yes... But no at the same time. We're just friends, anything else."
"I know you're friends, but do you love him more than as a friend?"
"I... I don't know." You replied nervously. You really didn't want to talk about this, now knowing that she also loved Darren.
"When you're alone... Do you think about him?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Do you miss him when you're alone?"
"Yeah... but..."
"Have you ever imagined kissing him?" She asked looking deeply into your eyes. Damn, if she only knew you thought about it all the time, and that you not only imagined it because it actually happened few times... But you couldn't tell her this.
"No..." You lied, looking away.
"Okay... So... How did you feel when he kissed you minutes before?"
"I don't know, Mandy, it doesn't matter. I really don't want to talk about this." You said sighing and looking down, still feeling nervous.
"It does matter. Was that your very first kiss?"
"Uh, well... no." You admitted looking down, feeling uncomfortable.
"No? Have you kissed someone already?" Your sister asked in disbelief and then she looked down frowning and apparently feeling bad. "Geez, I can't believe all the things I missed about my own little sister. I always wanted to be that sister who could advice you about things, with whom you could share your secrets and your best and worst moments. You already had your first kiss and I had no idea. Oh my god, how could I let this happen?" She asked to herself, almost in a whisper. Then she looked up at you. "When was your first kiss?"
"Not long ago... around, I don't know... four months ago or something, before the accident." You admitted, looking away.
"Who is the guy who kissed you? Or is it a girl?"
"It was a boy... Just... a random boy..." You replied while playing with your fingers, feeling nervous.
"Tell me the truth. It wasn't a random boy, was it?" She asked looking fixedly at you. You only shook your head, you couldn't lie to her. "Was that boy Darren?" You nodded in silence, looking away. "Oh, I see... So... How many times have you guys kissed?"
"I don't know... Just... three times, counting this last one." You admitted feeling ashamed.
"Three times? Oh my God... And the first time was before the accident..." You sister said frowning, apparently thinking about something. "Did you like it? When he kissed you?"
"Mandy, I really don't want to talk about this." You said now a bit annoyed, frowning.
"It's just a yes or no. For example, my first kiss was awful to me. I want to know how you felt when Darren kissed you. Did you like it?"
"Yes, I liked it." You admitted looking away, because you knew she wouldn't stop asking until getting an answer, and you couldn't keep lying to her.
"And when you kissed... Did you feel something weird in your stomach and chest, as if your body was trembling and you couldn't stop smiling?" She asked looking at you intrigued and you huffed.
"The first time no... I mean, yes a little, but I can't remember it pretty well because it was when I got drunk. Shame on me. The second time... well, it was when I couldn't remember him, and then when he kissed me, I suddenly remembered everything so yeah, it was a weird kiss. And the third... well... yeah." You rambled feeling uncomfortable. You just couldn't tell your sister it was the best thing that happened to you. You finally looked up at your sister, who was smiling softly while looking at you.
"My little sister is in love." She said smiling softly. Why was her smile so warm? You felt thrilled, because you couldn't remember such an honest and warm smile from your sister to you.
"I'm not..." You lied, looking away and feeling more uncomfortable than ever. Well, you've never told any of this to anybody.
"You are, and don't feel ashamed because being in love is one of the most wondrous things that can happen. I'm glad to know that Darren is the guy, he seems to be a good guy, really." She said still with the same smile.
"No, Mandy, stop. Nothing is gonna happen between us because we're friends and only that. If we ever kissed it was because of the situation, not because we actually wanted to do it. Your situation with him is different, because you both were dating, it wasn't a spontaneous thing, you both were aware of that. And gosh, you guys are dating; I don't know why we're having this conversation." You said nervously, almost stuttering.
"Sometimes the realest feelings are the spontaneous ones, because it's something you really feel and you can't contain." She said shrugging and smiling but then she looked down. "And we aren't dating. It lasted only few months, but then we broke up, because it wasn't working."
"What are you talking about, Mandy? I saw you... In Darren's bedroom..." You said embarrassed when you remember that scene. "You were kissing and you... well, you both seemed to be enjoying... you know... well, you know what I mean." You stuttered, knowing that you were blushing when you remembered that intimate situation between them. "And then... well, then you were together all the time."
"Yes, that's because I insisted. I was the one who pulled him into this..." Your sister said in a whisper, still looking down and then she sighed. "Whatever... Point is we aren't dating and I hardly think we could date again, because you're involved in this too now, and I guess Darren is for you, not for me." She said forcing a smile and shrugging. Wow, you felt bad, as though you were a bothersome between them.
"Mandy, we are only friends and we won't be more than friends. You asked me so many things, so let me ask you something too... Do you love him?"
"What's the point of answering that?"
"As you said, it's just a yes or no."
"No wonder you're the clever one." She said chuckling softly. "Yes, I do. But it won't work, I know it."
"Alright... that's what I needed to know." You answered with a faint smile.
You remained in silence for a while, both of you deep in thought. You were happy for having had this kind of conversation with your sister, and everything seemed very honest and natural, as the old times. That was the sister you had when you were a little girl and you lost years ago. You were glad that she was back now and you could clear up some things and catch up with some others; now you knew you'd have time to keep talking for hours as before. There was only this problem... Darren. What would you do about it? You really loved him and you couldn't contain your feelings for him any longer, he was driving you crazy and he was the one you wanted, you wanted to be with him. But on the other hand, you couldn't do anything because there was also your sister who was also in love with him; you couldn't hurt her after you got her back. And, after all, Darren dated your sister and not you; you were only his friend and you knew it was impossible he could be in love with you, so you needed to take him off your mind and let Darren and Mandy be happy together. They had something, even if your sister said they weren't dating anymore; because if they didn't have anything, then they wouldn't be in that situation they were when you went to Darren's bedroom. Although it was going to be hard, although it was going to break your heart, although you were going to feel distressed; you needed to forget Darren and your feelings for him. It was the best, for you and for them. While you were making this decision in your mind, you heard a voice behind you.
"Is everything alright here?" Darren asked gingerly. You looked abruptly at him and then you stood up.
"Yeah, everything is fine." You replied quickly, playing with your fingers nervously. "I guess… I'll return… Yeah… See you guys." You babbled and then you walked away from them as fast as possible, without looking at them for one last time.
For the moment, you couldn't be near Darren and you needed to leave them alone. Definitely, this was going to be hard. You actually didn't return to where Chuck and Jen were; you returned to Darren's house, where you were staying. There was no one in his house and you remembered that his parents weren't going to spend the night there. You walked in silence to the guest room, which was your bedroom now. Everything was silent and when you entered the room, you could smell Darren's scent and it broke you. You lay down in bed and you cried your heart out until you fell asleep. You cried all those feelings you were feeling for him, you cried because you knew that if before was hard to be with Darren, now it would be even harder. And you still loved him.
"Darren, what the hell was that, bro?" Chuck asked when Freckles walked away and Mandy followed her. I tried to follow them, but Chuck stopped me. "I'm a big mess, first that kiss, that damn hell of kiss; and then this song and all. What's going on?"
"It's a long story, Chuck." I answered, trying to see where Freckles and her sister were going.
"I guess I deserve to know. I mean, your friend is gonna live with us and weird things wouldn't stop happening since this morning, when the girl you're dating appeared. Are you dating someone and you didn't tell me? And this girl is your friend's sister and you didn't know? And what was all that? The song and the way the sisters were looking at each other? And do you realize the way you kissed your friend in front of her sister, the girl you're dating? How can you do that, Darren? And what were you doing in your bedroom with your girlfriend? Because you should have seen Freckles' face, bro. Explain me, Darren." Chuck demanded, talking very fast, slurring his words and I just looked at him trying to understand everything he was asking.
"Whoa, Chuck! Slow down!" I exclaimed raising my eyebrows. "First off, I'm not dating Mandy, she's not my girlfriend. Yeah, I used to date her, but it didn't work for different reasons I don't want to explain right now. It's none of your business what I was doing in my bedroom with her, it's something private and the only thing I can tell you is that I haven't done anything, she was the one who pulled me into an uncomfortable situation. Yes, I didn't know they are sisters, goddammit; not even Jen knew that." I said looking at Jen because actually I didn't know if she knew or not, but judging by her face, she didn't know. "The song was for obvious reasons, Chuck. They don't get along, they don't have the best relationship to be honest, and Mandy is kinda cruel with Freckles as far as I know. Well, you heard the way Mandy talked about her own sister; it's not nice at all." I answered bitterly when I remembered all that Mandy said.
"And the kiss, Darren?" Chuck asked and I looked away. Damn, I was trying to avoid that question Chuck asked.
"What about the kiss, Chuck? You kissed her too." I replied looking at him annoyed and feeling jealous again.
"Yes, because it was part of the game. And you can't compare my kiss to your kiss, no way." Chuck said shaking his head.
"Yeah, whatever, whatever, Chuck." I replied annoyed and frowning.
"Are you jealous, bro?"
"What? Oh please, stop it, okay?" I answered even more annoyed but this time also feeling a bit nervous. It was pathetic from me to feel jealous of my own brother, but I couldn't help it.
"You aren't answering." Chuck insisted. Oh man, why the hell was he so insistent? And why was Jen so silent? "Why did you kiss her like that?"
"Like what, Chuck, like what?"
"Like… it was as if you really wanted to kiss her, not as if it was part of the game. It was as though you didn't want to stop kissing her, like you really wanted it. I don't know bro, you were like eating her. It wasn't a simple little kiss like the others, you gotta admit it." Chuck said quietly, raising his eyebrows and I just remained looking away, serious. "Why did you kiss her that way?"
"Because I'm in love with her, okay?" I yelled in annoyance, looking at him exasperated; and when he looked at me surprised I realized what I said. I admitted it in front of my brother now. Damn. "Whatever, it's pointless." I said now looking down, remembering when Freckles told me she loved me back but just as a friend.
"Whoa! That was a real revelation. Whoa, now I understand everything." Chuck exclaimed in surprise but I didn't look at him. There was an uncomfortable silence for a while. "She loves you, bro."
"Yeah... I know." I whispered weakly, still looking down. Yes, yes, she loved me, but I was just a friend to her.
"Darren, I think Chuck thinks the same than me." Jen suddenly spoke after a long time, so I looked up at her. "I know you may be thinking that she loves you but only as a friend, but it isn't like that. You can tell that when you see the way she looks at you, the way she smiles whenever she sees you; she is in love with you, Darren; and you know I've suspected this since the first time I met her."
"Yeah, I also suspected that; when I talked to her and you found us... Yeah, I remember how her eyes brightened when she talked about you." Chuck said thoughtful, and I looked at him confused. So they talked about me that time... Whatever, it was pointless now.
"She isn't in love with me." I said bitterly, looking down. Shit, I only wanted them to stop talking about this; I didn't want to hear that because I knew what the truth was.
"Darren, you don't know it. I already told you, if you don't talk to her about this, you'll never know. I personally think she's really in love with you but she doesn't dare to admit it; and I do think Chuck thinks the same than me." Jen said looking at Chuck, who nodded in agreement. "Talk to her, then you'll know and you'll see... she's in love with you."
"Stop it, Jen, please!" I exclaimed in exasperation because this talk was making me feel worse. "I know she isn't in love with me because after that kiss I confessed her that I am in love with her. I was scared as hell, but I took the risk as you told me to do; so I just told her, I told her that I love her so much. Do you know what she answered?" I asked with choked voice, looking at Jen who was looking at me astonished. "She told me that she loves me. Yeah, she told me: I love you because you're my best friend. Those were her words."
"Oh Darren..." Jen whispered, apparently feeling guilty. "But she didn't say she isn't in love with you, she only told you that she loves you because you're her best friend maybe because she was afraid to admit that she is feeling the same than you. Or maybe it was because you told her that you love her, but you didn't clarify that you are in love with her."
"No, no, Jen. Do you really think that I'd let our conversation end like that? No, of course not. I took the risk, so then I needed to say it all; I told her that I love her more than as my friend and I attempted to kiss her again. She pushed me away, Jen. She told me to stop and she said it so determined and bossy and serious, Jen." I said still with choked voice and looking down, feeling distressed. Oh man, the least I needed was to cry like a baby in front of her and Chuck.
"That's weird..." Jen said thoughtful. "Maybe it's because she didn't want to admit it while we were here..." She said unsure and I sighed.
"Jen, stop saying things like that because it's making me feel terrible. I told her what I really feel for her and she dumped me, she rejected me. I'm aware of it and I know it's not gonna change, so don't try to cheer me up telling me that maybe she could love me, that maybe and maybe whatever... Because it's making me feel worse, I know how things are and I just have to deal with it, I don't want to keep picturing she's gonna be with me because it's not gonna happen. So please, I beg you to stop." I requested with brittle voice, trying to hold my tears back. I shouldn't cry in front of them.
"But really, Darren... It's weird..."
"Jen, stop! Stop, for fuck's sake! I'm already feeling like crap and I don't want to feel even worse. I do understand that sometimes people you love don't love you back, and well, I have to deal with it, right? But right now, I don't want to deal with it, I'm not feeling like forgetting what she told me and how I felt when I heard her asking me to stop." I said even more distressed and wanting to stop talking about this, because it was too much to hold. "I just need to be alone, okay?"
"Okay..." Jen whispered looking down.
"Right... I just... I'm just gonna go for a walk, just to think." I said looking away and I didn't start walking until both Jen and Chuck nodded.
That was a lie. I wasn't going for a walk to think and clear up my mind; I was going to look for Freckles because I saw Mandy following her, and after all that happened, I was suspecting that maybe something bad could be happening between them. I walked for a long time, trying to find out where they were; I walked a lot and I started thinking that maybe I wasn't going to find them, but then I saw two blurry and dark figures in the distance. That was the silhouette of Freckles. I walked right to where they were, but in silence. Then I was close enough to hear their conversation and they couldn't see me. I knew this was wrong and I knew it could end in a bad way, just as when I was caught by Freckles and Chuck; but I couldn't help it. This was weird. Neither of them seemed to be arguing; they seemed to be talking quietly; it was very different from the situation I witnessed minutes before. Anyway, the only thing I could hear was Freckles saying that something, I didn't know what, was what she needed to know; then the two of them remained looking at the ocean in silence. I couldn't keep being silent; I needed to know what was going on there. So I just walked closer and only because they didn't notice I was there, I talked.
"Is everything alright here?" I asked gingerly.
Both Freckles and Mandy looked at me abruptly, I surely made them startle. Freckles was the only one who stood up quickly, so very quickly that I couldn't get how she managed not to stumble with her own legs as usual.
"Yeah, everything is fine." She replied almost stammering, playing with her fingers. She was nervous. "I guess… I'll return… Yeah… See you guys." She babbled, looking away.
She was really fast; she started walking away before I could take her by the arm to stop her or something. Man, she was almost running.
"Freckles, wait! Hey, hold on!" I yelled trying to stop her, but she didn't hear, or she pretended not to have heard me.
She didn't stop and she disappeared in the dark, very fast. I attempted to follow her, but somehow I couldn't move; I remained looking at her, running away from me. Actually, I knew why I didn't move and it was because it hurt me the way she tried to get away from me as soon as she saw me. It hurt me because she never did that to me before, and now she was surely doing it because I admitted I was in love with her. I thought how much I screwed our friendship, now nothing would be the same. And that was always my fear: to lose her once that I admit my real feelings; and I was losing her. Not only I lost my hopes to be her boyfriend, but also I was losing my best friend. Suddenly I felt empty and gloomy; as if there was a piece of me that was missing, and that piece was her.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Suddenly Mandy asked behind me. I totally forgot she was there.
"That's none of your business, Amanda." I huffed in annoyance, avoiding her gaze and still looking straight to where Freckles disappeared.
"You see, actually it's something of my business, Darren." Mandy replied, now stepping forward to be next to me. "After all, she's my little sister. I do care about her."
"Yeah sure, awesome joke." I laughed bitterly and sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
"You know? There are certain things you'll never know about me and her, Darren; so don't mock me." Mandy said quietly instead of being upset as she would have been.
"Whatever." I answered curtly. I really didn't want to be with her, not after all that happened. After all, she was one of the reasons why Freckles and I had that shitty relationship now. So yeah, I started walking away from her to go find Freckles.
"Darren, wait." Mandy suddenly said almost pleading; I don't know why, but I stopped and I finally looked at her. She had a weird facial expression. "I want to talk to you."
"Oh no, you and I have a very different concept of talking. Last time you wanted to talk to me, you ended up trying to hump me. You did it once, it's not gonna happen a second time; I learnt the lesson." I said coldly and a bit sarcastic.
"Oh come on, Darren, let's be mature here." Mandy said sighing, serious as I looked at her in suspicion. "I made a mistake, okay? And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to have led you to that uncomfortable situation you weren't expecting when I asked you if we could talk. I apologize."
"Why are you apologizing? What do you want? What are you planning?" I asked suspiciously.
"Oh my god." Mandy exclaimed in disbelief. "Listen, it's not easy for me to apologize to someone. But I'm apologizing anyway, and I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for my sister. I don't want anything from you but only to talk to you; and I'm not planning anything, unless you consider an apology as a plan."
"Why would you want to do this for your sister? You never cared about her, why would you care about her now?" I asked still suspicious. "And in any case, you should apologize to your sister, not me. You've been a real bitch with your sister."
"I've already done it. And I always cared about her, only that before we were distant because we needed to talk and it never happened; but fortunately we could talk already. So yes, I'm apologizing to you because of my sister, because I know you're important to her." Mandy said serious, looking at me.
"Sorry, I can't trust you. I have this feeling that you're going to hurt her as always. You always make her feel as if everything is more than fine and then, when she less expects, you stab her by her back. I won't let you do it again; I won't be idly while I see how you hurt her feelings over and over again. I wish you could see the awesome person you're losing because of your selfishness." I said determinated, looking fixedly into her eyes.
"I know. I know I missed a lot of things of her all this time I was apart, being selfish and jealous. And that's why I'm trying to get back all the wasted time, to make it right this time." Mandy said a bit distressed, looking down. That was weird. "And I'm glad she has a friend like you, who really cares about her. It's good to know that you won't let anybody hurt her. I should have been that person, but I couldn't and I feel bad for that. But I'm really glad she had you to lean on when I wasn't there." She said with choked voice and I started believing her. This didn't seem as something she could say, but it seemed real.
"What's your point, Amanda?" I asked still suspicious, but softening my voice because she was convincing me.
"I want to make sure you really love her. I want to make sure you won't hurt her. I'm not asking you to believe me, not after all I did to you; but I'm asking you, please, not to hurt her, because she's all I have, she's my little sister." Mandy responded, with the same choked voice.
"I won't hurt her; at least that's not what I want. And you can be sure I love her. Yeah, I do." I answered almost in a whisper. I didn't know why I was telling her this, but I just had this need to tell her this.
"Thank you a lot." Mandy said now looking at me with teary eyes. "I'm sorry, Darren, for having forced you to do something you didn't want. I know that things are screwed for us now, but I wish someday you could forgive me for all my mistakes." Mandy said apologetically and I didn't know what to answer, I wasn't sure if I could forgive her, at least not in this moment. "But what I wish right now is that you and my sister can still be friends. I noticed she's acting weird around you and I know that in part this is my fault; so I promise I'll try my best to make her see that what happened in your bedroom and what happened after that was only because of my fault, and not yours. I'll try to make her see that you didn't want to be with me. It's the least I can do to start paying for my mistakes." She said feeling guilty, looking down and still distressed. I was only there, listening to her very intently and astonished by what she was saying. This didn't seem a lie, but I couldn't fully trust her. "Because I know you're in love with her. I tried to play fool and pretend that it wasn't like that. But I know it, because I noticed the way your eyes brighten when you look at her, I noticed the way your face seems to light up whenever you're close to her, and I noticed the way you smile when you hug her... and I noticed the way you kissed her, as though that was the best thing you could be doing. I know it all because I always wanted you to feel that way about me, and I couldn't get it."
"It's not..." I started mumbling nervously because I honestly didn't know what to say. Why did it seem to be sincere?
"Yes, it's like that. And now I'm not even jealous. I won't deny that I feel a bit sad because I lost a man who could have been like the perfect boyfriend. I guess we were never meant to be together, but with my sister it's different." Mandy said shrugging and smiling faintly. "Just let me ask you something and please, answer it with honesty."
"Err, well... yeah, sure..." I said feeling nervous. Man, why was I letting her do this? I didn't even know if she wanted to do a good or bad thing.
"Are you completely sure that you're in love with her?" She finally asked, looking fixedly into my eyes and it made me feel like powerless.
"I'm sorry, I won't answer you that. It's something private and I'm really sorry but I still can't trust you." I replied trying to avoid her gaze.
"I get it." Mandy whispered, looking down. "You know? She loves you, Darren; she just tries to hide it because of fear. So I'll warn you something... I'll walk away from you both, so I won't be a bother for you... But if I ever find out that you hurt her, just in case you start dating or something, I'll kick your ass and I'm serious." Mandy said very serious and almost in an ominous way; as I just looked at her very amazed, raising my eyebrows in surprise. "I wouldn't like to find out that you are with her only because you want to have a good time with her, while you aren't completely sure you're in love with her; I don't want her first love affair to be a real shit like mine, I don't want her to suffer what I suffered. So, watch out, Criss. Now that I got her back, I will be that sister I wasn't before; and the first thing I'm gonna do is to protect her from assholes. I don't think you're an asshole, but just in case, you're warned."
For fuck's sake! Why was she telling me all that in that menacing way? But it was weird, because it wasn't a bad kind of menace; it was more like a mother protecting her children. Anyway, this all was weird; this was very different from the girl who was being like a bitch minutes ago; this was more like the Mandy she was when we were out school. Maybe this was her real personality, or maybe not. I didn't know, but what I knew was that all she said seemed to be true. And whoa! Why was she menacing me with that? She just assumed I was in love with her sister, despite the fact that I tried to hide it from her because of fear that she could do something wicked with that. She assumed I was in love with Freckles and she was right, but why would she warn me such a thing? Not that Freckles was in love with me. But Mandy mentioned that her sister loved me, and she didn't know it, because she wasn't there when I told Jen and Chuck about the short conversation I had with Freckles. Why was Mandy saying something about Freckles' first love affair with me? What if Freckles told Mandy that she had feelings for me? No man, that was impossible after the short talk I had with Freckles; and I didn't want to have hopes with her to then feel broken again because nothing would happen between us. But... What if? That would be the best thing that could happen to me.
"But if you're completely sure you love her..." Mandy suddenly started speaking again and I jumped because I was so deep in thought that I forgot she was there. "I want you to know that I'll be happy for the two of you; because I know you're going to be happy. Only if you are sure."
"It doesn't matter what I feel for her or not; you can relax because nothing is gonna happen between us. Not because I don't want to be with her but because she doesn't feel the same for me." I whispered looking down, distressed. Oh fuck, man! Why the hell did I say it out loud in front of her? Mandy shouldn't know what I was feeling for Freckles.
"What are you doubting? Are you suspecting that she isn't in love with you?" Mandy asked intrigued and I looked away frowning, quarreling with myself.
"I'm not suspecting anything, I know it because we... it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna talk to you about this." I said bad-tempered, still looking away. Geez, I needed to control my words in front of her.
"Well, if I were in love with someone, if this someone were like the love of my life... I wouldn't give up so easily." Mandy started saying with a roguish smile on her face and I glanced at her in silence. "If I were truly in love with someone, I'd try my best to make this someone fall for me. If I were sure I want to be with this someone, I'd talk to this someone when we're alone, a real talk, risking everything for this someone; even if this someone acts as if doesn't want to be with me. Because, after all, when it comes to love, people tend to hide it because of fear while inside we're dying to yell those words we both know: I'm in love with you." Mandy said raising an eyebrow and still looking at me with that roguish smile. "I don't know... maybe that someone is my sister to you... Just saying." She said shrugging and smiling. What the hell was going on with her? It was as if she wanted me and Freckles to be together or something; or maybe I was just making up things in my mind. "If you're sure you love her, then go for her. Go and talk to her, Darren. Do not waste your time, do not let time pass by because maybe then it's gonna be late and you'll regret. Go and talk, I'm almost sure it'll work."
"Why are you doing this? Minutes ago you were trying to hook up with me and now you're trying to hook me up with your sister. I'm sorry but this makes no sense, there's something weird; I'm not that fool." I said raising my eyebrows and totally suspecting of what she was doing.
"You know? It comes a point when you want to stop being selfish to start helping people you love. It comes a point when something suddenly changes everything, establishing an end and a new beginning. Well, that something for me was when my sister sang that song and when then I talked to her. I don't want to keep being that popular and heartless person I've been since years ago; because that's not me. And I couldn't realize I wasn't being happy until I noticed how many good things I lost while I was trying to be popular. So this is my way to start over again; and I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for my little sister who I missed so much." Mandy said and her voice cracked at some point, as though she was feeling thrilled. I couldn't help it, I believed her. "And... I gotta admit that you both would make a lovely couple. So if being with my sister is what you truly want, go and talk. It's just my advice, you can take it or not, it's up to you."
"Yeah..." I said smiling faintly, looking at her with teary eyes. Why would I feel like this? Man, her speech really moved me.
"Right. Well, this is all I wanted to tell you. And... I really need to come back home." Mandy said looking down and I noticed how she wiped a tear away, even if she did it very surreptitiously. "I... I'll see you around, Darren." She said smiling softly and then she turned around to leave.
"Mandy?" I called up when she was already walking. She turned her face to look at me. "Thank you for giving me the courage to do this."
"You got it. Good luck with that. I sure hope you both can be happy." She said softly. "And by the way… I received a text message. My sister is at your home alone right now. I don't know, I just thought you'd like to know." Mandy smiled one last time before she left, leaving me there alone.
My mind was one big mess; I was thinking several things in a matter of seconds. And I was nervous and scared as hell. Maybe Mandy was right. Maybe I should risk it all for Freckles; maybe I should talk to her to find out if she was in love with me, and maybe I should try my best to make her fall for me if she wasn't in love with me. Maybe I shouldn't give up on this so easily just as she said. She was Freckles, man, and I loved her so fucking much. I needed to talk to her, because I needed her, because I loved her. I texted Chuck that I was coming back home and then I left to go right to where Freckles was. I was going to do this and I wasn't going to cower this time. I was more than sure that I wanted this. Once I arrived home, I walked straight to Freckles' room, but I stopped in front of her closed door. It was very silent. I rested my forehead against it and I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. Shit, I was so nervous, my heart was beating fast and my body was shaking. This talk was going to change everything, only that I didn't know if it was going to be for better or the opposite; so I started doubting. But then her beautiful big eyes and her bright smile popped in my mind. Hell yeah, she was the one.
"Here I go..." I whispered breaking the silence, taking a deep breath and finally opening the door.