Chapter 5: Cab Driver Confessions

September 2027- Age 13- D.C. - Cab Driver Confessions (And Acts of Aggression Were Also Confessed)

"Oh my god, no wonder they have triplets. They're parents are animals," Sonia and Wesley overheard from a group of three classmates huddled together outside the biology lab. Sonia wished schools still had lockers and imagined herself slamming a locker door like she was in one those ancient teen 80s or 90s movies she watched with her mom. One of the three kids remarked, "Yeah, I guess Wyatt's a liberal after all."

The three classmates didn't even notice Sonia and Wesley in the noisy and crowded hallway. Sonia made a step forward as Wesley caught her arm and tried to drag her away causing the two to struggle in the hallway as the two pushed against each other.

"Hey, hey, hey, what is going on?" Stephen questioned trying to step in the middle of his siblings who in turn began pushing against him until he yelled, "Stop."

"Those kids were talking about our family," Sonia exclaimed pointing to the group of three as they were now walking down the hall.

"And I was trying to stop her. What are you going to do Sonia? Beat them up? You don't even really know what they're talking about."

"Well, I know they weren't praising our family. And one should be allowed to…..aggressively disagree with someone if that person is a jerk. And one of those kids is Alistair Smithson whose a huge hypocrite. He was kicked out of three private schools. He's so awful that his old family money wasn't enough to keep him in private school. His dad is constantly having affairs." Sonia explained.

"Let's find out what they're talking about. What have mom and dad done to embarrass us?" Sonia suggested as the three took out their phones and started searching the internet and social networking sites.

It only took about two seconds before they discovered the news story, it was the number three trending story on Gryzzl Blast.

"Good lord," Sonia and Wesley both exclaimed, "Ewww."

Wesley began reading the story, in giant bold letters the title read, "Cab Driver Confessions: Congressman Wyatt Once Paid a Cab Driver Off. According to the Pawnee Sun the congressman and a blonde woman paid a Pawnee cab driver $1000 to Hook Up in the backseat of a cab. Who was this mystery woman?

Sonia then began reading the article, which was in much smaller print, "Apparently, the cab driver was offered a sum that he couldn't refuse. He just wanted to live the American dream and put his kids through college. So who was this mystery woman? "It was that lady running for governor Leslie Knope," claims the cabbie. "She brought wine and brownies. If I remember right it was their engagement party." Were the brownies pot brownies? I guess we'll never know."

"There's another story with the title, "Governor Candidate Knope Caught Hooking Up With A Mystery Man. Were Boos and Pot involved?

"That's disgusting," Sonia whispered, "Mom and dad "hooking up."

"And those articles are such gossip and they're just trying to sensationalize and start rumors."

"You're right Wes."

"I'm sure the pot brownies is totally false. The wine is probably true. Definitely true. And as for the "hooking up" part, like….um…..good lord," Sonia muttered.

"Eww, no wonder mom and dad had triplets," Stephen grimaced causing Sonia and Wesley give each other bewildered looks as to the cluelessness of their brother.

"We really need to get to lunch," Stephen stated as he began walking towards the cafeteria, "Eww."

Wesley and Sonia followed in step behind him, "People really don't understand science," Wesley whispered.

Later that day, after a long day of overhearing whispers and feelings stares, the triplets returned home. They were relieved to be home but also dreading the awkward conversation they were bound to have with their parents about the breaking news concerning them.

Luckily, they were able to avoid the topic but then they were called to dinner.

"So kids how was school today? Anything out of the ordinary? What's the gossip down in gossip town?" Of course their mom would awkwardly try to get straight to the subject as their dad busied himself with putting the food on the table while he tried not to look panicked making him look sweaty and a bit crazed.

"Nope, nothing unusual," Sonia stated with Wesley nodding along in agreement and Stephen began stuffing his face with food.

"Everything's coolio beans. Nothing gross did we hear about anything ever."

"Oh, okay. So it's come to our attention that some stories have come out. About me and your dad. This is very common. When you're the children of public figures especially politicians people gossip, they say cruel things, lie, and slander. It's going to be really bad this year because both daddy and I are running for office. When you were younger it was easier to shield you. But you guys are growing up," Leslie then started to tear up as she did anytime the phrase growing up was used in reference to the triplets."

"….And your classmates will be talking about things and you need to know how to deal with it," Ben supplied, "And this is an election year for me and your mom is running for governor so there's going to be a lot of gossip this year.

"So," Leslie said clearing her throat, "Have you heard the story that's going around about your dad and me?"

Sonia and Wesley exchanged looks of dread while Stephen confessed, "Yep, we heard the story going around…..about you and dad….with each other…or other people…and beverages and food….and cabs…," while confessing Stephen was simultaneously stuffing his face with food.

"Okay. Well, your dad and I want to be honest with you. And if you ever have any questions you can always come to us or your grandparents or Andy and April, well maybe not Andy depends on the circumstances. So the story you heard about the cab and us paying to….uh…..spend some time in it….."

"Is a great example of media that sensationalizes stories and serves to gossip rather than inform," Ben pointed out.

"Yes, that's true and a great point honey. Now as for the truth of the story….some of it is based in truth but it's really rather…..blown out of proportion. So we're going to be upfront and honest. You know how your grandparents, your dad's parents, don't really have much of a relationship or get along. Well, they can make for a stressful evening. So we were very stressed and acted as we may not usually act. Your dad paid a cab one hundred dollars to wait outside and take us away. But you shouldn't run from your problems or drive away. So I may have got some wine, in case we got thirsty, and some brownies, they were just regular brownies. I mean they were mind blowing and amazing but that's just because I make excellent brownies. There was no pot in them," Leslie said pointing to emphasize her points.

Ben then spoke, "We've never done pot. I don't have any pot on me. We never did pot because when we were growing up it was illegal and you couldn't be elected to office if you had done pot and why would you not want to be in control of yourself. Pot equals lack of control over yourself. Do not do pot."

"So, pot is bad but alcohol is okay," Stephen said nodding causing Ben and Leslie to give each other a mutual look that said we need to talk about this kid later.

"As I was saying," Leslie began, "It was the night of our engagement party so we were so excited and stressed from Grandma and Grandpa and love, it's like a drug. So we may have hooked up if that means made out, in the backseat of the cab. Not hookup if that means sex. And we were adults that were engaged. Engaged to be married."

"We were in our late thirties."

"In a healthy adult relationship it is important to express your love physically and have fun together. It's natural."

"Oh god," Wesley and Sonia voiced as they looked down at the table while Stephen continued eating and Ben tried to frantically signal to Leslie that she was in dangerous oversharing territory.

"And we may have paid the cab driver another hundred so we could makeout," Leslie said her voice low.

"There was no one thousand dollars," Ben adamantly stated as if that made the situation better.

"But the cab driver was okay with it. He seemed totally cool with it. Not in a creepy way. Or desperate for money way. Just in a….cool way…." Leslie explained.

"So that clears up the rumor. Now we should talk about how you deal with these things."

"Joe Biden, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Auntie Madeline Albright have given your father and I some great advice about raising kids and being in politics," Leslie beamed.

"Yeah, um it's best to just take pride in the fact that you know the truth and acknowledge that you can't control what other people think."

"You have to make peace with those things or you'll drive yourself crazy. And you can always talk to your father and I about anything. Absolutely anything."

"And you shouldn't hit anyone just because they're talking smack about your family," Stephen shared causing Wesley and Sonia to send him a sharp look.

"Yeah, you should never hit anyone."

"By the way um," Ben stuttered looking at Leslie to help him out.

"There was once an incident when a man called me the second worst word for a woman and your father may have hit him. That story came out the first election dad ran in and then the first couple times he ran for reelection but I guess the media got tired of that story. It's unfortunate almost, because the article said I was an excellent bowler, almost."

"Also your mother may have…..shoved a… pie in someone's face…a candidate's wife…. that first time I ran for reelection."

"She had flicked pie at me first and the things she said about…..but I shouldn't have done those things."

"What's the first worst word a woman can be called and for clarification what's the second word?" Stephen inquired.

"So how did you all find out about the story?"

"Well, we may have heard some kids whispering about it at school," Sonia answered their mother's question.

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Mostly disgusted," Stephen mused causing Sonia to explain.

"What he means is that gossip is awful and the media should be covering real stories and um…"

Wesley cut in, "It's not great to hear about your parents being….amorous."

"And how much money they'll pay to be amorous," Stephen said laughing causing everyone at the dinner table to shoot him a look.

"So do you have any questions?" Ben inquired.

All three kids shook their heads no.

"Okay," Ben and Leslie nodded in relief as normal dinner conversation took over. This year it was rare that all five members of the Wyatt Knope family were under the same roof. The kids were busy with school and extracurricular activities. Leslie had taken a leave of absence from the Interior to concentrate on running for office and was going back and forth from their home base in DC to Indiana campaigning for governor and Ben was also running for reelection in the House and splitting his time between the two cities. If Leslie won, and it looked like she would, the plan was for their home base to be in Pawnee. But for the last semester of eighth grade Ben's mom and Leslie's mom would trade places staying in DC with the kids when Ben had to be in Indiana along with Leslie frequently visiting and the triplets could start their freshman year of high school in Pawnee, where thanks to high speed trains, Leslie could easily commute to the statehouse.

"So this three day weekend coming up we're all headed to Indiana. Your mom is headed to campaign in the Fort Wayne area and I'm campaigning in Sterling talking to local farmers so who wants to go with who?"

"I want to go to Fort Wayne with mom as long as we can stop and see the giant bowling pin there," Stephen bargained, to which Leslie replied, "I wouldn't even want to campaign there if I didn't get to stop to see the giant bowling pin."

Up Next: Embarrassing Parents Stay Embarrassing (Makin the Late Night Monologues)