A/N: Oh my god, guys! I think I've never gotten as many reviews as the ones I got in the last chapter! I'm speechless and so puzzled! I didn't even know that many people were reading this story. Geez! I'm surprised and I want to thank you all for all the reviews! I got different opinions and I loved it! If there's something that you all share is the fact that you all seem to be surprised, although some of you already suspected of Freckles. Yes, I admit that I killed you with the last cliffhanger and I admit that I was satisfied with that ending (and this honestly barely happens). But finally you can read this new chapter and you'll get an explanation! I want to thank you all for everything, for telling me what you think of this story and thank you very much for supporting me all the time. Sometimes I have this feeling that I don't want to write anymore because I feel like I'm not doing it good or like if I keep writing you'll get bored of this story; but then I read the things you write in your reviews and it encourages me to keep writing. So thank you! Okay, before answering each one of you as I promised, I want to recommend you a fanfic, also about Darren Criss: it's called A Whole New World by Zahra Auob. This is the first fanfic she writes and I'd like if you can read it, guys! I know how hard is when you write your first fanfiction, so I guess it'd mean a lot for her if you can read it! Now back to this, I'm so sorry but this author note will be really long since I want to answer each one of you and I got many reviews (I'm not used at it!). I'll try my best to make it short, but I don't know if I'm gonna make it. So here I go!
Victoria Paige: First of all, I read one of your stories and I reviewed it, so maybe you'd like to check it. You devil. Okay, now I'll answer your review. I can't promise you that I'll fix this. I'm sorry. But for sure you'll get an explanation in this chapter and you'll understand (or not) what happened and why Freckles is W.
alicegursk: I think I'll have to sleep on the couch all the month and that makes me sad, I'll have contractures; at least give me a blanket! You know what is funny? That my whole family, especially my sisters, tell me all the time that I'm the devil, and I'm talking in all seriousness. I'm gonna shave my hair to see if the numbers 666 are engraved on my head. Were you surprised to find out that Freckles was W? Now wait to read the explanation! Please, give me the blanket.
MeMi83: I was about to reply you as a guest but fortunately I decided to check the next review so now I know it was you! Don't worry about that, it's okay! I don't want to blow it, so I can't say much. But in this chapter you'll read an explanation. In advance, no; Darren is not dreaming. And yes, Freckles is W. And yes, it's weird because it doesn't fit so much with the previously written; but well… It happened. I can't say much, really.
Kaylacriss332: Yeah, I know; what the actual fuck. I guess you weren't expecting this to happen, but you'll get an explanation now! Hope that helps a little!
Mockingjay-Potterhead-9: I could notice you were speechless as you said! I guess I'd have been speechless too, I don't know! The good thing is that you'll get the explanation in this chapter as you wanted! Let's see what you'll think about that!
TimMyeong: First of all, I read what you wrote on Tumblr! haha Maybe I am the real W. I'm the devil after all; but don't tell anybody because it's a secret! Okay, make out in the bathroom; yes, I always wanted to write a make out in the bathroom! It's a fantasy that I think we all have. Well, a lot of people also suspected of Freckles, I guess that at some point it was obvious. I wanted to make you think that W was Brian, Jim or Susan, but I guess it didn't work so much! Maybe Freckles is bipolar, you'll read an explanation now!
Guest 1: Maybe everything is wrong with me and just because of that you love me as you said! You don't like normal things! haha. Thank you a lot for saying it was an amazing chapter! And now you'll get an explanation so you won't be so surprised, or maybe you will...
SamCollins: I loved the way you said something and then you changed your mind. I must admit that I'm super intrigued to know what you're thinking that I'm doing. I loved the way you said that I could be the perfect Moriarty to your Sherlock; I love Sherlock Holmes! I'm intrigued because actually I don't think that I'm that smart as you mentioned; so I'm afraid I could disappoint you. Anyway, I felt so flattered when you said that I'm amazing and that when I write a book I'll have a fan in you. Maybe I'll disappoint you now because I doubt I'll ever write a book! haha I'm really intrigued to know what you think, that's all.
caarolineboeira1: I must tell you that I'm insane and well, I hope you can read this chapter even knowing that I'm still out of my mind. I don't want to blow it, but what I can tell you is that Darren isn't dreaming, but at least you'll get an explanation. Don't hate me. You enjoyed reading the make out in the bathroom and I enjoyed writing it! I always wanted to make it! Haha
SkittlesPanda: I'm so sorry that I broke your heart! But well, I hope you can keep reading this story anyway, despite all the things that happened and will happen! Just... Have mercy on me!
Natasha: I never meant to make you cry! I'm sorry for that; I just wanted to make you feel shocked! Sadly, I must say it's true and this isn't a dream. But you'll find out why Freckles is W.
Guest 2: Oh my! I'm so sorry I made you feel really bad! I mean, yes, I admit I was cruel when I wrote about it and I think you won't like so much the explanation of why Freckles is W. But... Oh! I don't want to blow it. Things are kinda heavy and I wanted to add more action to this story, so that is why I wrote what I wrote. Did I tell you this story is gonna be a super long one? Lots of things will happen; you just need to be patient to know what's gonna happen! I just don't want you all to feel as psychotic bitch as you said!
Ginny Zoey: Freckles' unknown twin sister! I liked that idea, actually and I love your imagination. I like the fact that you're shocked as Darren is, because that was my goal! Now you'll read an explanation and maybe you'll feel less shocked, or not, I don't know!
vicky: Yep, really! Your suspicions were right all this time! Freckles is W. But hey, there's an explanation. You'll find it out in this chapter... And also in the next chapters! I hope not to disappoint you.
Gabby: I'm so sorry Gabby! I didn't mean to break your heart; I only wanted to make you feel surprised! Now you'll get that explanation that you're waiting to read and I'm sorry it took you a whole week to read it! I just did it because... well, because I wanted more action in the story! So sorry!
amanecerita83: Are you surprised? I think so! You'll understand (or not) why Freckles is W! In this chapter and also in the next chapters. And yes, you'll understand the how and the why.
Vcriss: This is not a really long chapter so I'm sorry for that! But for sure you'll get the explanation and not only in this chapter, but mostly, yes. Thank you a lot for saying this story is awesome!
Guest 3: Thank you very much for saying that this is a good story and that I'm a good writer! I'm actually not because I'm aware I still have to learn a lot, but it makes me feel good and it encourages me to keep writing! So thank you. Then, well, yes, Freckles is but there's an explanation and you never know what can happen after that.
Besides that, I want to thank Zahra and Jan Nicole who gave me their opinions on Twitter!
Well, I tried my best to make it short. You guys, I have a sneaking suspicion that you won't keep reading this story after this chapter and it worries me. I beg you to keep reading this story, despite all the things that can happen. I'm cruel, I know... But... Please. I'm sorry; I won't force you to keep reading this if you don't want. But right now, maybe I regret a little what I wrote. Have mercy on me, please! Okay, now I'll let you read the explanation of why Freckles is W. Until next Saturday, guys!
Teenage Dream – Part 27 – Living on a lie.
Jen was looking at Freckles with eyes wide open and I was just still very confused. This couldn't be true; Freckles couldn't be W, this had to be a sort of joke. No, not Freckles, not her. I knew her, I knew her way too much, we shared a lot of things, she was my girlfriend, and she was the sweetest and most warm-hearted person I knew. But she was looking at me deeply into my eyes and her eyes weren't the same as before, there was something different in them; that wasn't the sweet look she always had. And her laughter didn't sound as always, that wasn't the enthralling and marvelous laughter she had, this laughter was completely different. But I refused to believe she was W. It was impossible and I knew it because I knew her. Man, I was a mess.
"You... You can't... You..." I stuttered like a fool, still in shock.
"You, you, you..." Freckles imitated me, making fun of me. "Learn to talk, Criss." She laughed bitterly and Brian and Jim laughed along with her. This wasn't Freckles.
"What's going on, Freckles?" I whispered very troubled so nobody except her would hear me.
"Ugh, Freckles. Goddammit, I always hated the way you called me, Criss." She answered loudly and nastily and I felt really bad. I couldn't get this, why was she being like that with me? "Freckles? Seriously? That's so lame and so fucking stupid. I always knew you were a damn idiot guy, but I never thought you could be a total jerk and retarded." She said nastily again, now walking around the room.
She looked so different with those tight clothes, walking very straightened with her head held high, and with all that make-up. She wasn't the simple and humble girl; she wasn't the sweet and cheerful girl, the insecure and shy girl. She now looked older than she was, she looked very self-confident and intimidating, she looked presumptuous and arrogant, haughty and audacious. No, she wasn't like this at all.
"What, Criss? You seem befuddled." She asked raising an eyebrow and looking at me in a derisive way, with a wicked smile and walking to me, placing one of her heels on my thigh and placing her hands on her waist.
"Have they forced you to do this?" I asked looking fixedly into her eyes, very concerned. She only laughed out loud, and her laughter didn't sound as that catchy laughter she had.
"Have you guys heard that?" She asked still laughing in that awful way. "Have they forced you to do this?" She said imitating me in a very rude way. "Please, bastard." She said with a gross smile and now she kneeled again in front of me, placing her head very close to mine. "I'm W, dickhead." She said whispering nastily in front of my lips. I only looked distressed into her eyes. I didn't know what was happening, but I wanted her to stop pretending this situation.
"I know you aren't. Baby, please stop. I don't know what they've told you to do, but stop please. I don't know with what they've threatened you this time, but forget about it, stop this, baby." I whispered with trembling voice still looking into her eyes. The bright in her eyes wasn't there anymore.
"Aww, how cute! The poor idiot still calls me baby." She laughed sarcastically and totally making fun of me. That hurt me, man. I just looked down, feeling sad. "Why is so hard for you to believe I'm W?" She asked looking at me from above, placing a hand in my chin and forcing me rudely to look at her.
"Because I know you aren't like this, you're a good person probably you're the most kind-hearted person I know. And I know this because we shared a lot of things. I know you way too much." I said looking deeply into her eyes feeling very distressed and trying to hold back my tears.
Why wasn't she looking at me in the same way as before? This was making me feel terrible, when I couldn't find in her eyes that love. She grabbed my chin even tighter and she was almost like digging her nails on my chin.
"Criss, you think you know me; but you don't know me at all. It was really easy to trick you, Criss, because you're so naive and innocent. I never thought it could be so easy to infiltrate between you." She said nastily looking viciously into my eyes and still digging her nails on my chin. "Look at me Criss. This is what I am. Funny, isn't it?" She said smiling evilly.
"I don't believe what you're saying. I know you aren't like this, I know what kind of person you really are." I said with trembling voice also looking into her eyes.
"What kind of person, Criss?" She said archly, raising an eyebrow. Then, all of a sudden, she changed her face completely, now pouting and looking at me with sad and bright eyes. "The innocent, misunderstood and misplaced poor little girl who had no friends and no hopes, who wasn't self-confident, who was very lost and confused? I need you, Dare." She said with the same voice she used to talk to me, but she was doing it in a mockingly way as Jim and Brian were laughing. Then she got close enough so now our faces were only four inches away. "I love you, Dare." She whispered in front of my lips with her usual sweet voice and those bright eyes. But then she moved away and laughed viciously. I looked at her feeling completely broken and I couldn't help it but shed tears. "All of that? All of that was a big damn lie and you believed it. Either I'm an incredible actress or you're completely stupid and ingenuous. Maybe both." She said smiling archly.
I was there looking at the girl with who I fell in love, seeing the girl I loved as nobody else, the person I loved the most. I was there seeing the girl I knew way too much, but she didn't seem to be that girl; I didn't know who the girl who was talking to me right now was, she wasn't my Freckles. And she told me 'I love you' and it sounded exactly as same as all the times she told me so; it seemed to be true, but she didn't mean it. All this time she told me those words she didn't really mean it and I thought the opposite. All this time she was lying to me, the girl I loved lied to me. It was heartbreaking to realize that she never loved me and she wasn't the kind of person I thought she was. My heart was broken and I wouldn't stop shedding tears. I was feeling terrible, dejected and bereaved. Who was this person? Where was the Freckles I knew? She didn't exist?
"My plan worked at the end. What do you think, Criss? Did I do a good job?" She asked with a perverse smile, but I didn't answer. "Have you ever suspected of me?" She asked over again with the same smile. Again, I didn't answer. "Of course not. My plan was perfect and brilliant. How would you suspect of me if I was supposedly the one who was being threatened? How would you suspect of me if the bad guys were hitting me and insulting me and I was so helpless? How would you suspect of an innocent and humble little girl? It was easy to pretend something I wasn't; it was easy to pretend that everybody was against me when in fact a lot of people were on my side. You see, Criss, a lot of people can't stand you. It was very easy to get all the people I needed to go on with my plan." She said evilly and I just couldn't keep listening to all of those hideous things; it was making me feel even worse. "It was easy to get your friend Dean on my side; the poor little thing was very jealous of you because he always wanted to get a role-play and he never could because of your fault. It was easy to pretend that Peter and Alexandra were my friends and betrayed me; I don't know who those people are! But I did know that they couldn't stand you because they hated you since the time the principal canceled their science project when you performed your last show in school, last year. Mandy, my beloved and amazing sister! She always was very close to me and you really believed that we hated each other; no, she always helped me. Oh, what about my father and mother? Oh, the absent mother and the heartless father who kicked out her own daughter. Please, bitch, they aren't my real parents and it was so funny the way you thought they were. It was really hard to find Natalie; I needed to find her because I knew she was your mother's best friend at college. Yeah, I investigated everything about your family, Criss; I knew everything about them even before meeting them. I have my confidential resources and contacts. Jim, my best friend..." She said now looking at Jim and smiling at him as he smiled back at her. Best friend? What the hell was all of this? None of this had sense. "Jimmy, always being a good friend and helping me. And Brian..." She said walking to him and placing her hands on his chest as he placed his hands on her waist. "My real boyfriend." She said and she kissed his lips.
I can't explain what I felt in that moment, I only know that I felt how everything was falling apart, how I was breaking and feeling completely destroyed. Brian was her boyfriend? What was this? How was this possible? I couldn't get anything; I was just too in shock. My girlfriend was kissing another guy who came to happen to be her boyfriend. And all this time I thought I was her boyfriend. She was kissing Brian in front of me as if nothing mattered and I was just looking at her feeling used and abashed.
"Do you really think that I would want to be with a stupid guy like you, Criss? Please, look at you. You suck, you're awkward and so idiot. Ugh, it was really disgusting when I had to kiss you; I wanted to throw up all those times. And your jokes? Please, stop doing that; you're not funny, you're pathetic and it was really hard to pretend I was laughing. And your stupid romance? Ugh, so melodramatic and mushy. The best part was when I pretended to have lost my memory. It was like a break for me, fortunately I didn't have to spend time with you, you were so absorbing and irritating." She said bitterly and nastily.
Whoa, no one ever told me so many hurtful things like she was doing. She was really hurting my feelings and making me feel terrible, she was starting to lower my self-confidence; I was feeling like a fool. Why was she doing this?
"Why?" I asked with teary voice, looking at her really distressed. She didn't look at me, but she had that serious expression on her face. "Why have done this? Why have you played with me?"
"You're such a crybaby, Criss." Jim laughed but I ignored him. I didn't care about him; I only needed to hear Freckles' response.
"Why?" She asked laughing and looked at me but then she quickly looked away again. "Because you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't exist, but unfortunately you do. But I'll explain you what led me to do this plan to destroy you." She said nastily, still looking away. "There are certain things with which you shouldn't mess. And you messed with me, Criss; and I'd never allow it, less from a jackass guy like you." She kept saying and I was looking at her very confused. What was she talking about? As far as I knew, I never messed with her. "I don't know if you remember that last year you met a girl who was asking you for help one rainy day." She said looking at me now and I frowned in confusion. "Of course you don't remember, you dickhead. Let me remind you. You were in the EB Games store, surely searching for a game for your stupid PlayStation. It was raining outside; it was one of those terrible days in San Francisco. And then a little girl about eight years old walked to you. She was so tiny, with big eyes and long curly hair; she had freckles on her face and she was wearing a red plaid dress. She was lost and you were there alone, so she asked you if you could help her to find her parents. Do you remember that?" She asked bitterly, looking at me furious. Man, I had no idea what she was talking about. "You don't, great. Well, you ignored that girl because as always, you were only minding your own business; but the girl insisted because she needed someone to help her, she was very innocent. Then you left the store and the girl decided to follow you because she thought you were a good person and you weren't going to hurt her, you were going to help her to find her parents. It was raining, as I said; you had an umbrella and the little girl was walking next to you; you looked at her and ignored her again, you didn't even offer her to stand under the umbrella and she was getting wet, you didn't care. She was crying, she was scared, she tried to hold your hand because her mother taught her that she had to walk holding hands while she was on the street; of course, you never held her hand. She tried to talk to you, she told you her name: Amy." She said frowning and looking deeply into my eyes. Fuck, now I remembered it all now that she mentioned that name.
I was in the EB Games store, trying to clear up my mind doing something stupid because I was having a shitty day. That day I found out that Chuck's girlfriend has cheated on him after all the things he has done for her. Besides, that day I got the result of my math exam and I got a fucking F, so I was very worried and very grumpy. I really needed to be away from friends and family because I couldn't and I didn't want to talk to anybody while I was being this moody. I was searching some stupid game to get distracted until a little girl walked to me.
"Hi. I'm lost." The little girl said shyly. I looked at her raising eyebrows and I kept searching for a game, ignoring her. I wasn't in mood to be nice to anybody and I really wasn't in mood to talk, less to a stranger. "I was walking with my parents near here and I saw a toy that I liked and when I looked back to ask my mom if she could buy it to me, she wasn't there anymore and now I don't know where they are!" The little girl said almost crying.
Why was that girl telling me that? Ugh, I didn't want to carry with another problem. I just walked away, so the girl would talk to somebody else. But the girl followed me and kept saying me things like explaining me why she was there. Seriously, man? Why couldn't that girl just talk to someone else? Why it had to be with me? I looked around, there were other people, so maybe if I leave the store, the girl would walk to somebody else. And I did so. It was a terrible day in San Francisco and it was raining insanely, luckily I brought my umbrella. I started walking through the street, thinking about Chuck and how he would be feeling; I didn't notice that girl followed me and now she was next to me. Oh goddammit! What the hell? Maybe if I ignored her, she wouldn't follow me anymore. So I just looked away and I kept walking; I noticed how the girl tried to hold my hand. What was wrong with her? I was a complete stranger for her, she shouldn't be doing this.
"I'm Amy. What's your name?" The little girl said and I ignored her again. I noticed how she looked down and started crying. Oh dammit. "I shouldn't be talking to a stranger because my mom taught me that. But I'm lost and I don't know what to do and you seem to be a nice boy; so I thought that maybe if you tell me your name then we won't be strangers and I won't be alone." The little girl with red plaid dress and long curly hair said crying. That made me feel as if I were a bad person, the way I was ignoring her.
"I'm Darren." I answered curtly. I only answered her because she made me feel bad, but still I didn't want to talk to anybody. "Listen Amy, I'm still a stranger so stop following me. Take this umbrella, I give it to you." I said giving her my umbrella, seeing how she was still crying. "I'm going away and you should stay here because your parents must be near here. So stop following me, okay? I'll go and I don't want to see you behind me. Your parents will find you, just... Just go under that tree so you won't get sick." I said looking at her and the girl with freckles on her face looked at me with her big eyes, still sobbing.
And I left and she didn't follow me. I left that little girl alone and I never saw her again.
"Amy. She was my sister." She said bitterly, looking away.
"I... I didn't know..." I said feeling bad for that little girl that I've forgotten. Whoa, that girl was Freckles' sister; that was super weird. "I don't know what this story has to do with this."
"I'll tell you, Criss. When you ignored her and you left a little girl of only six years old alone in the streets of San Francisco; someone else saw her, but this someone wasn't any of her parents, my parents. This man was acting very nice to her; this man told her that she needed to go with him because he was going to find her parents. And she, so little and innocent, believed him. The man was a criminal, he kidnapped her and he almost killed her, but fortunately cops found her on time. She was dying anyway, but she could tell us this entire story. After two days, she couldn't keep going, she died." Freckles said now with teary voice, but then she looked at me very furiously.
"I'm sorry." I answered looking down. Holy shit, this was terrible. And that was true, I was sorry, I was feeling bad for Freckles because I still cared; even though I knew that Freckles wasn't the Freckles I thought I knew.
"I'm sorry? Is that all you have to say, jackass?" Freckles yelled really angry. "You ignored her, she was only six years old and she was innocent, she was asking you help; a little kid was asking you help and you ignored it. What kind of person does that? What kind of person can ignore a little scared kid? How could you leave alone a little girl knowing about all the crimes that happen in the city? You killed her, you fucking bastard!" She yelled really angry.
"It's not my fault, so don't blame me for what happened. How could I imagine that a criminal was going to kill her?" I said frowning in disbelief. And then I felt it: she slapped me with all her fury.
"You should be dead, not her!" She yelled in a rage while I was looking at her in shock.
She was fuming and she wouldn't stop huffing and wheezing, walking edgily all around the room. Everybody was silent looking at her; after a while she finally looked at me and walked abruptly to me. I was only looking at her serious and frowning, feeling something I thought I'd never feel about her: while before all I could feel for her was a tremendous feel of love and affection, now I was starting to feel for her abomination and disappointment. Yes, I was sorry for what happened to her sister, I didn't even know she was her sister and I didn't know her by that time; but she had no rights to say that I was the one who killed her, because it wasn't like that. Yes, I was feeling kind of guilty, but I wasn't a killer. Freckles kneeled and grabbed my chin again clawing at my chin. I looked at her coldly and she looked at me archly; like that we stared into each other's eyes for a while, right as what we were used to do only that this time the kind of look was completely different; there was hate in our looks instead love.
"You know? I should kill you, Criss; that is what you deserve." She said archly, raising an eyebrow and kind of piercing my eyes with hers. "But, nah... It'd be so lame." She said nastily. "Instead, I decided that I was going to make you feel just as my little sister felt when you ignored her; and how us, her family, felt when we lost her. That is why I've done all I did. I needed to make you feel how is to love something or someone so much and then suddenly this something or someone disappears, leaving you hopeless, helpless, miserable and forlorn; just as we felt when we lost her. I needed to make you feel disappointed of someone, just as my sister felt when she needed help and you ignored her. I needed to make you feel betrayed and cheated, I needed to make you feel the feeling when someone breaks a promise; just as my sister felt when you promised her that my parents were going to find her, before you left her alone and none of that happened. I needed to make you feel how cruel a person can be; I needed to make you feel lost and confused; I needed to make you feel heartbroken. I needed to make you feel destroyed, just as my sister felt when that criminal hurt her to death." She said with tears of anger in her eyes, still clawing at my chin. Then she let out my chin very abruptly and roughly. "And I wanted to make you hate someone for all this person has done; just as the same way I hate you for all you've done. You messed with the most important person I had, so you messed with me. You're despicable, Criss." She said in a gross way, now walking away from me. I was just looking at her blankly, but inside I was feeling very down. "I want to make you feel exactly how I felt when I lost my sister because of your fault: as if you're living dead. And I do think I accomplished my goal. What do you think, Criss?" She asked looking at me wickedly and I just looked down, shedding tears even though I tried to hold back my tears.
Her words hurt me, because that was how I was feeling and I couldn't believe she planned it all; Freckles, my first love. I looked up at her very hurtful and still shedding tears, but I didn't say anything. She looked at me indifferent this time; she didn't care I was feeling broken, because actually she wanted me to feel like that.
"Yeah, it worked." She said nastily, now breaking eye contact with me. "Awful feeling, isn't it?" She said now looking fixedly at one point of the wall. "You can call the cops after this conversation; you can tell everybody all the terrible things I've done to you, you can scream my name and say that I should be expelled and I should be jailed for all I did. You can do it; but if you do it, then I'll show everybody what you did with my little sister, I'll tell everybody the kind of person you are, I'll press charges against you for murder, I have proofs."
"I didn't kill your sister, so you don't have proofs." I said with trembling voice, feeling really mad and gloomy at the same time.
"Oh, but I do have. I got a video record of a store when you were talking to my sister and you left her alone. Right when you left her alone you called someone with your phone and minutes after, that man who kidnapped my sister appeared. You called that man to go for her, Criss." She said archly and I looked at her really disturbed.
"I did not do that." I said really deranged.
"I've got that proof, Criss, and I've got the best lawyer in San Francisco. I can prove that it was what actually happened, even though it isn't like that. Welcome to the world of lies, Criss." She said laughing bitterly and I looked at her in disbelief.
"If I have learned something in life is that the lie is put against whoever invented it." I said coldly looking at her.
"I'm not afraid of it, Criss. And I'm not afraid of you, dickhead. So bring it on, if you want. You won't beat me." She answered just as coldly. Then she looked at Brian and Jim. "Punch them, make them bleed. Then you can let them go." Freckles said nastily and heartless; now walking to the door to leave the room. I followed her with my gaze, feeling letdown. She looked fixedly into my eyes before she left, it was the most contemptuous look she could have had. "Bye, Criss."
And that was the last I heard from her before Jim and only him started punching me and Jen and she closed the door behind her. His punches were painful, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling. I've been betrayed by the person I was in love with.
When you closed the door behind you after talking to Darren, you heard steps coming closer to you, but you didn't look up; you knew who it was.
"I finally did it." You said feeling very furious. "You're nasty."
"You're the nasty girlfriend who pretended all this time to be someone who wasn't. That's what Criss knows now, just reminding you." The person answered. Then the person grabbed the phone and called someone. "Set them free."
"Dare, can I come in?" I heard Jen's voice.
"Yeah, sure." I answered listless, without moving from my bed.
Jen opened the door and entered in my bedroom. As soon as she saw me, she sighed and shook her head. I knew why that was. In the last six days, I didn't move from my bedroom, I didn't even go to school. I spent all the days locked in my bedroom, feeling way too bad to do something. I didn't want to see anybody, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to take a shower, I didn't want anything but lying in my bed. Neither my parents nor my brother asked me what happened, because they knew me and they knew that when I was like that it was better if they didn't ask. They let me skip school during the week and I was very thankful for that. Jen also didn't go to school, but she wouldn't stop texting me and I honestly didn't answer her because I wasn't in mood. I haven't heard anything about Freckles and neither had I wanted to hear something about her; it was enough with having her on my mind all the time, thinking of how she tricked me. Man, all these days I've been crying like a baby and I couldn't stop; I was really broken. Jen walked to me and I just buried my head on the pillow so she wouldn't see my swollen and red eyes. I noticed she sat on the edge of my bed.
"Darren, you stink." Was the first she said. I knew why she was there and I knew this was hard for her to start talking because she knew I wouldn't talk.
"Whatever." I answered curtly, still burying mi head on the pillow.
Jen just sighed and then I noticed she stood up and she started cleaning my room. There were a lot of things on the floor: clothes, food wrappers, glasses, papers, everything. Yeah, my bedroom was a real mess, but I didn't want to clean it, I didn't mind that mess in this moment. Now finally I looked at her frowning, seeing how she was doing it all and I didn't want it; but I wasn't feeling like talking, so I let her doing so. Until she grabbed a picture that was on the floor, right next to my bed. She grabbed it and looked at it with a sad face; I quickly stood up and took it abruptly, feeling really annoyed.
"Stop doing it, Jen." I said rudely before coming back to my bed with the picture on my hands.
When I lay down in bed again, I looked at the picture that I've been seeing every day all the time and my eyes filled in tears. It was the first and only picture I had with Freckles, when we went for a bike riding the day right after we became a couple. I placed the picture on my chest and I started shedding tears in silence, looking at the ceiling. Why would she lie to me? I needed her, I needed her just as the way I met her, not the way she actually was. I missed that girl and she wouldn't come back because everything was a lie. My happiness was a lie, my memories of us together were a lie, and my love and her love were a lie.
"Dare, we need to talk." Jen said softly, sitting on my bed again and rubbing her hand on my arm.
"There's nothing to talk about." I answered with teary voice while still weeping.
"Give me that picture." Jen demanded softly.
"No." I refused, holding the picture strongly against my chest. I was feeling as if that picture was the only real thing I had of Freckles. I was feeling that I needed that picture because it was the only good thing I had from the girl I loved.
"Please, give it to me." Jen insisted.
"No, Jen. I need it." I said again with teary voice.
"You don't need it; you need to get rid of that picture." Jen said and she finally took the picture. And that was when I felt a hole in my heart, as if everything was completely over now. "How do you feel?"
"How do you expect me to feel, Jen?" I asked looking at her with tears in my eyes. "All that made me happy is gone and never existed; all the emotions I felt were never real; all the talks, all the laughs, all the tears, all the dreams and fears, all the memories, secrets and moments shared weren't real." I said sobbing, feeling very sorrowful while Jen was looking at me afflicted.
"Dare..." Jen said with cracked voice. "Please don't feel bad."
"Don't feel bad? How?" I asked in disbelief and very dejected. "Jen, I'm so fucking in love with a person that doesn't exist. What do I have to do with that?"
"I... I don't know." Jen said distressed looking down. Jen never answered me that she didn't know; she always had something to say. I looked at her for a while, crying in silence.
"Jen, I feel as if all the good things that I had, have gone. I feel empty and I need by my side a person that doesn't exist; that person is all I need to feel better and that person doesn't exist. And I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm broken." I said sobbing, looking at the ceiling again. "How do you stop loving a person that doesn't exist? How do you stop feeling a love that isn't real but it's real at the same time? How do you overcome it? I don't know. I know that I need to move on, but I can't because I just can't tell anymore what is real or not." I said still crying and Jen was only rubbing my arm reassuringly. "And I want to stop crying but she keeps popping on my mind all the time and I can't. I want to forget her but I can't; I mean, how do you forget something that never existed? It has no sense. I want to stand up again and be the guy I used to be before I met her, but I can't remember how I was when I wasn't with her, because she changed me. She is a part of me, and if she never existed; then what's with that? Does it mean that that part of me doesn't exist? It isn't real, but I feel it. How come? I'm so fucking confused, I'm a fucking mess, Jenny." I said with cracked voice, feeling very exasperated. "She was my other half, Jen; I feel incomplete without her. I just can't believe that it all was a lie. And she got it; she destroyed me, Jen, just as she wanted."
"Don't say that, Dare. She didn't destroy you, you're still here." Jen said anguished.
"I feel as if I were dead, Jen." I answered honestly, looking blankly at the ceiling.
"Darren Everett Criss, don't say that again." Jen said now bossy and firmly. "Yes, you've lost a person you loved a lot and it's terrible, I know that feeling. But it isn't the end of everything. You're young, you have a lot to live for, and you have a lot of wonderful things. I know that right now is hard for you to believe it, but it's like that. You'll see that eventually the wound in your heart will heal and you'll discover again how beautiful is to live your life. And if you can't forget her, then I'll distract you; if you can't stop crying, then I'll give you reasons to smile; if you can't move on, then I'll give you my hand and together we'll find the way. Your heart is not the first broken heart; you're not the first who felt like this; if all those people could move on, why wouldn't you? Everything is not lost; you only lost a very important part of your life, but not all of them. So, hold on to the other good things you have." She said firmly but with cracked voice, she was also shedding tears.
"But it hurts, Jen. It hurts so much." I said weeping again and she pulled me into a warm hug.
"I know it hurts. She was my friend too." Jen said with teary voice while we both were still hugging and crying. "But we'll be fine because it's over now. We'll find the way to move on, I promise." She assured and I buried my head on her shoulder to cry. Jen was my only friend now and I needed her.
"Promise me that you won't walk away as everybody did. Please." I said while still crying on her shoulder. She started caressing my hair reassuringly.
"I promise, Dare. You're my best friend and I need you just as you need me." Jen said with teary voice.
Yes, we were leaving behind a stage of our lives; we were starting a new one. This time without Freckles, the girl that I still loved but I didn't love at the same time.
It was Monday, the day you came back to school after a whole week you didn't go. Mandy, after you told her all that happened and you made her promise that she wasn't going to mention it, convinced you to come back because it was time. She supported you all this time, just as you needed. Yet, you were still scared to come back to school. You didn't know what was going to happen after it. You didn't know what the entire school will think about you if someone mentioned what you did; you didn't know if the principal knew about this; but what was worrying you the most was to see Jen and Darren. You were going to see them, but nothing was going to be as it used to be and you weren't ready to be hated by them, you weren't ready to see them and not to talk to them as before. You spent the whole week thinking about Darren, you knew he wasn't going to talk to you anymore. It was like going to your first day of school at the beginning of this year, only that it was even worse.
"Come on, let's go little sis." Mandy said friendly and softly, very different than the way she said it in your first day of school this year: 'Hurry up, stupid.' "Everything will be all right; I'll stay with you all the time." She said again very different than the first day of school: 'Remember, once we arrive at school, walk away from me as soon as you can.'
When you arrived at school, all your fears became true. As soon as you came in, everybody was silent and looked at you in a suspicious and cold way, murmuring and gossiping things. When you saw it all, you stood there, not wanting to walk through the hallway, but Mandy linked her arm with yours and she led you to your locker. All the people cornered and walked away from you as you were passing by them, also murmuring things and looking fixedly at you. This was being worse than what you expected, you were feeling very exposed and not in a good way. You heard some things that people were saying.
"You moron."
"Get out of this school, damn bully."
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Bug off, asswipe."
"Get a life, you floozy."
Those were just some of the hurtful things you heard; you didn't answer, you kept walking looking down, being led by Mandy who was walking with her held head high, ignoring all those rude comments. When you were about to reach your locker, you looked up and there you saw Darren. He was standing alone not far from you were, also looking at you. But he didn't have his usual bright smile, he wasn't looking at you cheerfully; he was very serious and he was fixedly looking at you in anger. You felt really bad, your heart started beating fast, your body started trembling, and you tried your best to hold back your tears; you couldn't see him, it was hurting you. Then you saw how Karen walked to him; she whispered something in his ear, Darren nodded and then she linked her arm with his. They started walking and Darren looked at you one more time, a disappointed and disgusted look. Darren, instead walking to you with his usual happiness and gladness, turned around with a disgusted expression on his face, ignoring you and passing by your side with Karen; and Darren walked away as if you weren't there, as if he didn't know you. When he passed by your side and he was already behind you; you started shedding tears and Mandy rubbed your back reassuringly, not saying anything at all. And when Mandy was still rubbing your back, you looked up and you saw Brian, who was looking at you sadly. He was observing this situation, you knew it. When Mandy got distracted to curse a boy who was insulting you, Brian walked to you slowly. But you didn't look at him; you were seeing Darren walking away from you. You noticed that Brian was now standing by your side, but you didn't look at him, you didn't want to look at him because you were still sobbing in silence.
"You fell in love with him, didn't you?" He suddenly asked and you glanced at him surreptitiously; he was also looking at Darren.
"I did, but it's pointless now." You sighed and wiped away your tears, trying not to cry again. You opened your locker and left your bag there, in silence.
"Why don't you tell him the truth?" Brian asked and you looked down, shaking your head.
"Do you think he's gonna believe it? I screwed it and there's no back." You said gloomy. "Anyway, I can't say anything."
"I see." Brian answered sadly. "Do you want him back?"
"What if I want to? It's not gonna happen and I have to deal with it." You answered now looking at Brian.
"Yes, it can happen. Somehow, if you want him back, you're gonna get it. Somehow and someday he's gonna find out why you've done all you did and he will understand." Brian said with a faintly smile and you looked down, huffing. "You just need to have faith."
"I can't have faith; not anymore. It never worked on me. Somehow, all the things I do seem always to be wrong. Somehow, I fail at everything always. I just wish I could control and take my own decisions without hurting anyone." You sighed looking down and Brian placed a hand on your shoulder.
"And I wish you could see all the good things you do for others and how lovely you are." Brian said kindly and you looked up at him, amazed and feeling touched.
That was the first nice thing that someone told you that shitty day, so you let out a tear without being able to control it. Brian, for the very first time in public, hugged you. You felt very strained at first because this was really weird; but he was reassuring you, he was comforting you; so you just hugged him back, feeling protected and not so alone now. When you broke the hug, you looked at him with a faint but friendly smile and he smiled kindly at you.
"Hi, Brian." Mandy interrupted you, looking suspiciously at Brian. Your sister was being very overprotective.
"Hi, Mandy." Brian greeted her politely. "How are you?"
"Fine, dealing with some jerks here." She answered moody, looking at the boy she was cursing minutes ago. Brian nodded, looking down and then there was an uncomfortable silence.
"Well, I have to go to class. You're coming with me, right? We both have Spanish class." Brian said looking at you and you nodded.
"All right, I'll see you after that class, sis. Please, take care and do not let those jerks to hurt you, okay?" Mandy asked concerned and you nodded. Then she looked at Brian suspiciously. "And watch out, Brian. If I find out that you..."
"Mandy, it's fine." You interrupted her and she nodded, still looking at Brian suspiciously. "Let's go, Brian, or we're gonna be late."
Brian nodded and you walked to the Spanish classroom in silence. When you entered the classroom, everybody looked at you irritated and started mumbling things again. You looked at the whole class, trying to find Darren as you used to do. Shit, you needed to remember that now you weren't going to be able to sit next to him as usual, you needed to remember that nothing was the same now therefore you couldn't do the same things. But you found him anyway. He was sitting alone in one of the last seats, scribbling in his notebook, very serious and almost blankly, ignoring you as never before. There were empty seats next to him, but you thought that maybe the best would be to sit away from him. Anyway, you and Brian sat in the same row, but three seats away from him. When you sat, Darren stopped doing what he was doing to look at you in a very cold way; your eyes met and you kept staring for a long time as before, but not as before. This eye contact wasn't as comforting and fondly as before. After a long, he shook his head and looked away in a very stiff way; you only looked down. This day just started and you already wanted it to end. Mr. Rhodes finally arrived and he did not greet the class as usual.
"Criss, to the principal's office." He said severely. You looked at Darren frowning and Darren looked at the teacher stunned and confused. Why would the principal want to talk to him?
"I did nothing wrong. Why should I go to the principal's office?" He asked cheerless.
"Just go, Criss. Now." The teacher replied severely and then he looked at you with a disgusted expression. "You too. Go to the principal's office." He said even more severely. Would the teachers know what happened?
Now the whole class was looking at you and Darren fixedly. Darren huffed, grabbed his stuff and stood up to leave the class; ignoring you completely. You also grabbed your stuff and stood up. Brian looked at you and he muttered 'It'll be fine.' You smiled sadly at him and then you left the classroom. Darren was already walking to the principal's office and he didn't look behind not even to see if you were behind; he didn't wait for you like the last time. You two were walking through the hallway in silence and ignoring each other as if you were strangers, as if nothing between you both happened one time ago; and that was very hurtful. When you arrived to the principal's office, Mr. Bradesca was already there, waiting for you two. Jen was there too. She looked at you and then she looked away disappointed.
"Mr. Criss, please take a seat." He said very serious and Darren did so in silence. Then the principal looked at you. "Please, wait outside."
You nodded and you left the office in silence. The principal closed the door and you sat in one of the seats that were outside, alone. You started suspecting the reasons why you were there, but you didn't want to think about it. You were very nervous and very sad. Why this had to be happening? After a long time, the principal opened the door again.
"Please, come in." He said severely.
You looked at him feeling even more nervous, but you stood up and walked to the office. Once there, the principal closed the door and sat at his desk. You didn't know what to do or say, so you sat on the only empty seat, right next to Darren. He ignored you as he has been doing since you saw him; he was just looking down, resting his elbows on his knees. Jen also ignored you. The only one who wasn't ignoring you was the principal. You looked at him frowning and feeling how your heart started beating fast. The situation was very tense and the principal wasn't saying anything at all, he was only looking at you fixedly and you didn't like that look. Whatever the principal had to say, he needed to say it now, because you were about to explode thanks to your nervousness.
"You're expelled from this school." The principal finally said roundly.
You looked at him in shock, aware that all of your fears were coming true. You remained silent because you couldn't speak, so you just looked down in shock. This was only a nightmare, this wasn't happening. You noticed how Darren glanced at you surreptitiously, but you couldn't tell what kind of look that was and you were too in shock to try to guess. The point is that Darren looked away again without saying anything at all and it made you feel even worse; because in other circumstances, he'd have defended you. Now it was probably that he was the one who told the principal all you've done and for that now he was expelling you; but you couldn't blame Darren for doing it.
"Weeks ago I found out the serious problem of bullying in this school and I made it clear the new politics against bullying. So you were aware that whoever was responsible of bullying was going to be expelled from this school." The principal said serious. "It's such a shame because you're one of the best students; I'd have never expected this from you." The principal said disappointed of you; disappointed just as everybody. You didn't answer, you still couldn't. "This morning I received a video in which you are threatening them in a cleaning room of this school." The principal said looking at Darren and Jen who were looking down, both of them very serious and avoiding your gaze. Fuck, how the hell could the principal have that video? "I've interrogated them and they refused to talk, but at the end I came to the conclusion that, sadly, this video isn't rigged. Do you confirm that you've been bullying them?" The principal asked looking at you fixedly.
You just looked down, feeling how your whole body was trembling. You didn't know what to answer. You didn't want to be expelled because school was very important to you because you really wanted to go to college. But you couldn't say anything. Again, you needed to take a decision: You or all the people you loved. Again, it was you versus a lot of people. You bit your lower lip, feeling very troubled and stricken.
"I'll take your silence as a yes." The principal warned you, but you didn't answer. "All right. Do you confirm that you've been attacking the welfare of two students?" He asked and again, you didn't answer. You noticed that both Darren and Jen were glancing at you surreptitiously and kind of distressed. "Good. Do you confirm that you're the responsible of all the hideous events lately occurred in this school such as bullying; harassment; and physical, verbal and emotional violence?" The principal asked severely.
You just closed your eyes, looked down and bit your lower lip strongly. Oh damn, you were feeling terrible, this was terrible. You wanted to scream the truth, but you reminded to yourself that you couldn't regret your decision of having done what you've done. Ugly tears wanted to come out, but you did your best to hold them back. You noticed how Darren shifted in his chair as he was also biting his lower lip. The principal just sighed.
"Well, everything was told." Mr. Bradesca said disappointed and you tried to seem as strong as you could. "Take now all of your personal stuff and leave the school. You're expelled."
You heard those words again and you felt as if someone was stabbing your heart, everything was going wrong, very different as what you've planned. You looked down again and gulped before nodding and standing up. You weren't able to look at the principal, you were feeling very ashamed for something that you shouldn't because it was your decision; you weren't able to look at Jen and Darren, two of the people who were feeling disappointed of you, who hated you now. You just remained standing for a while because you couldn't walk, because you couldn't control your body, because you were shaking and you were feeling as if you couldn't walk. When you finally could control it a bit, you turned around to leave the office, but first you glanced at Darren. He wasn't glancing at you surreptitiously anymore; he was now looking fixedly at you, kind of distressed, kind of disappointed and kind of upset; but as soon as he noticed you looked at him, he looked away. That was it, your heart broke into million pieces and you finally left the office. When you came out of the office, Mandy, somehow, was there waiting for you. You looked at her and you couldn't help it, you broke into tears, feeling how everything was falling apart. Mandy looked at you distressed and she ran to hug you, so now you started crying on her shoulder. She tried to reassure you, but the truth was that nothing could reassure you at this point. Nothing. You heard how the door of the office was opening and you could see that it was Jen and Darren coming out from there. They passed by your side, ignoring you. But when they were already away, you saw how Darren turned his head around to look at you. That was going to be the last time you were going to see him. When you realized this, you sobbed; more when Darren finally disappeared, turning around in the corner.
"Jen... Is it bad to feel bad for Freckles?" I asked thoughtful and downhearted while we were at drama class, about to practice for our final show.
"I don't know. I feel bad too, but we shouldn't; not after all she did." Jen answered avoiding my gaze, doing warm-up exercises.
"Yeah, it's just that I feel weird. It's been six weeks that she isn't in this school anymore, and it's weird not to see her anymore. I don't know if I feel sad or if I feel better now that she isn't around anymore. Sometimes I forget that she isn't the girl I used to know." I said still thoughtful and doing side bends.
"Me too. But you heard what Karen said, we need to forget her because she's hurt us too much already, she's not a good person and it's hurting us. For the first time I agree with Karen." Jen said rolling her shoulders forward and backward.
"Yeah, I agree too. But I can't help it feeling weird; even this class without her is weird. I was going to act with her, and now she isn't here. I often wonder what she would be doing. Shit, I just want to stop thinking those things." I sighed while I was doing knee highs and jumping jacks.
"So just stop thinking about her and focus on this show we have to perform. You're gonna rock this, Darren; but only if you focus on this and nothing else. I'm sure that this show is a good chance to help you not to think about her." Jen said shaking out her wrists.
"Yeah, maybe." I answered discouraged, nodding my head side to side then forward and back. Jen stopped doing what she was doing to sigh and look at me deeply into my eyes.
"Think about this, Darren. You're single now and if you rock this show, then a lot of girls will be fighting to get you. Consider it as a starting over." Jen said smiling slightly and I tried to smile but it didn't work.
I honestly couldn't think about other girls because I was still in love with the person I thought it was real. She was everything to me, so it wasn't easy to just forget her as if nothing happened. It was really hard for me to ignore her the day she was expelled; it was really hard for me to see her for the last time, even if I was aware of what she did. Then I noticed that Jen looked behind me, frowning and very serious, so I turned my head around to see what she was seeing. Mandy was standing behind me.
"Can I talk to you, Darren?" She asked kind of shy. I looked at her frowning and serious just as Jen.
"Yeah, tell me." I answered curtly, trying to ignore her.
"Please, I need to talk to you in private." She said looking around.
"No, whatever you have to say, you can say it now and here." I answered curtly again.
"Please, Darren." She said. "Only this time and I promise not to bug you anymore. But just let me talk to you in private this time." Mandy said so supplicant that she seemed to be kind of desperate.
"Fine. Only this time, for the last time." I answered coldly and she nodded.
We both walked out the classroom in silence. When we were already outside, I crossed my arms and I leaned against the wall, waiting for her to start talking. I needed to be strong, because I was suspecting of what she wanted to talk about and it was for sure something about Freckles.
"She's not doing well, Darren." Mandy finally said with cracked voice, looking down. I just looked at her raising eyebrows and incredulous.
"Does this affect me? Do I have to care about this?" I asked coldly. Shit, that sounded so rough, but I couldn't help it. She looked up at me really afflicted and in disbelief.
"She was your girlfriend, Darren." Mandy whispered frowning.
"You said it, she was. I don't even know who she is because everything was a fucking lie." I exclaimed annoyed. "If you made me come here to tell me that, then this conversation is over. I don't fucking care how she's doing or what she's doing. It's none of my business and I'm not interested to know."
"Darren, how can you say that?" She asked distressed with trembling voice.
"How can I say that?" I asked laughing bitterly and in disbelief. "She used me like a boy toy, Amanda. I loved her and I gave her everything and she only laughed at me. She tricked me, she harassed me, she hurt me; everything for a damn mistake I've made once which wasn't even intentional. She destroyed me, Amanda, and you're asking now how can I say that? Goddammit!" I exclaimed in a rage and exasperated.
"She didn't do it." Mandy said with trembling voice and teary eyes.
"She didn't do it? What am I? The biggest fool in the whole damn earth?" I asked in disbelief, grinning bitterly. "Yeah, I'm a damn fool for believing that she loved me once; but I'm not blind and I'm not deaf. I saw and heard when she admitted she was W all this time."
"Well, yes. You're blind because you can't see she truly loves you." Mandy said this time firmly and I laughed bitterly, shaking my head. "You're so blind because you can't see that she isn't what you think she is."
"Yeah, sure." I said nodding bitterly. "Is that all you have to say? Because I have more important things to do, so if you excuse me..."
"For fuck's sake, Darren! Open your eyes! You have to realize who the bad person actually is!" She yelled exasperated and I looked at her suspiciously.
"You tell me. Who is the bad person?" I asked and Mandy looked down, biting her lower lip. She didn't answer. "Stop bugging me with Freckles. I don't care about her, so I'd appreciate if you don't mention me her anymore." I lied but it seemed it was true. "She means absolutely nothing to me." I lied again.
"Someday you're gonna realize how things truly are and you'll regret for saying that, Darren." Mandy said looking at me disappointed. "I thought you were different, but you're another asshole."
"Your sister is the asshole." I answered coldly. I never thought I could say something like that about Freckles and I felt bad; but then I remembered how things were and she was that.
"Good. I'll let her know that you said that, so maybe she will stop crying and doing things that are hurting her only to protect you and your family. Maybe if I tell her what you said she's gonna start living her life instead worrying about you." Mandy said with teary voice, but looking at me coldly.
"Whatever, Amanda, whatever." I said coldly and indifferently. "I won't believe your lies again. So fuck off and leave me in peace now. Bye."
"You'll regret, Darren!" She yelled when I was already walking to the classroom, ignoring her last comment.
The truth was that now I was thinking what the hell she tried to tell me with all of those things she said. Why would she say that Freckles was doing it to protect me and my family? That had no sense at all… Or yes? Fuck, I needed to just forget her.