A/N: Hello guys! How are you all? Are you surprised by this early update? Well, yes, that's because I'll be out my city all weekend because I decided I wanted to take a break and enjoy nature. So, I hope you're glad for this! Now, first off, a general thanks for all of your reviews, I'm really happy that you enjoyed the last chapter. I think you'll like this one too. I decided to be less cruel and add more fluff to all the drama! Anyway, I'd like to know your opinion, as always. Again, you won't get a cliffhanger in this chapter! So you can dance your dance of victory and relief. See? I'm not a complete demon. I miss the cliffhangers, though. Okay, I'll stop talking! Now I'll answer you!
alicegursk: Aww! It's so cute the way you really seemed to have enjoyed the last chapter! See? I can be sweet and nice enough to add fluff and cuteness to the story! I want to assume that the tears are tears because of the thrill and not because of frustration! Maybe you'll like this chapter and maybe next one too. Well, I hope so, otherwise I'll be cruel again and start with the cliffhangers again and just, you know, be cruel enough to sleep on the couch again (I don't want that, please!). Where do I live? I wish I could say Pigfarts, next to Rumbleroar's house. Sadly, I live in a country called Argentina. So, I think it'll be expensive a plane from Russian Federation to Argentina, but you can cry on my virtual shoulder for now! As long as you bring chocolates to eat; cause there's nothing better than crying while eating chocolates. I guess. About the famous writer... I have to improve and learn a lot yet! haha. I hope you can enjoy this chapter, Alice! Lots of love for you!
zahra auob: It's good to know that I caused so many feelings! I'm a very dramatic person, hence I needed to write something sad, but also very deep in my heart I'm a helpless romantic, hence I finally wrote something cute and lovely. And hey! You're right about when people see your eyes red after you wake up they'll never think you were crying! Sometimes I do it and when they ask, I answer that I woke up with allergy or that my eyes are burning because I'm still tired or something. Then they won't ask much more. Now I hope you enjoy this new chapter!
Vcriss: haha yes, I understand you; sometimes I ask myself the same: Why can't that be me? Ah! I wish I could kiss Darren. Well, at least I can do it in my mind and no one is gonna forbid me from doing so; unless Darren finds the way to sneak into my mind to kick my ass; then I'd be screwed and I'm sure that many of us would be just as screwed. For the sake of humanity, Darren must not find the way to sneak into other people's mind. And yes, I agree that Darren chooses what he wants to be and I also respect that; unless he decides to be a minds intruder, which I disapprove for the reasons above explained. Anyway, I don't believe Darren is gay in real life; it's just his character on Glee.
MeMi83: Aww thank you Memi! Sometimes I just like writing cute and romantic, always dramatic, chapters! When I realize it's being too dramatic, too problematic, too sad; I like to make the change. Well, they finally talked and I wanted to make it cute because it was unfair the way they ended after the prom, so they really needed a good goodbye. Good thing is that they didn't decide to stop seeing each other. I really like the word you invented 'energeticness', I like how it sounds and I feel really happy to be called like that! And I loved how right after that you mentioned one of my favorite quotes from Darren 'There is nothing more badass than being yourself'. And I did get better, thankfully! Goodbye flu! After a terrible week, the medicines had effect! Thank you, surely it was part of the good vibes you sent me! So now, I'm the one sending you good vibes, besides cheerfulness, warm fuzzies and hopes! And also days full of laughter and surprises!
amritsoomal: You liked it! I'm so very happy that you liked it because I remember I wrote that chapter with a smile on my face. And... You started following me on Twitter, right? Well, I followed you back! I only want to warn that lately I haven't used it so much, because lately I'm really busy! But maybe someday we could talk on Twitter! Now I hope you like this new chapter!
Kaylacriss332: Will they ever be together? Umm, I'll pretend I'm Darren and I'll say 'I don't know!'. Maybe they will be together soon and just give a fuck about the world and eat redvines and jump from rainbow to rainbow. Maybe they will be together but after a long time because they are cowards or because they are unsure, or whatever they think in their odd minds. Or maybe they will never be together because a jealous wolf that saw the nice wolf will eat them. That jealous bitch! I mean wolf. You want a pet wolf? I'll give you a virtual pet wolf! *throws the pet wolf* Be careful because it'll lick your face and it could be a little sticky!
Guest: You read it while listening to melancholic piano music? Do you wanna know something funny? I wrote this chapter while listening to piano music; I was listening 'Cinema Paradiso' by Ennio Morricone, 'I Giorni' by Ludovico Einaudi, 'Rain' by Brian Crain, 'A thousand years' by The Piano Guys, 'Looking Back' by Kerry Muzzey, 'Life and death' by Michael Giacchino, among other songs. I love piano and violin. So I'm really glad you read the chapter while listening to piano songs! Were you eating Mousse au Chocolat and raspberries? I googled it... How you dare not to share with me! That thing seems completely delicious! All I get to eat is a lame and boring fruit! I desperately want chocolate right now! See? Now you're the one who's doing things to my emotions!
Nicole: I know it's sad they're saying goodbye, but I can promise that interesting things will happen! Of course their goodbye needed to be nice and cute, I couldn't be a bitch as usual in that moment! haha. Well, I'm glad you could understand more about Jim, and that's only a part! Jim is a weird character for who I'll have to gather much information to try to recreate him in the story. But Jim won't appear any soon! Many things will happen in between. Yes, thankfully we'll be able to watch AVPSY whenever we want! Internet, YouTube, I want to marry you.
caarolineboeira1: I just love the fact you enjoyed the chapter! It returned to be the sweet, romantic, cheesy, fluffy, cute story! There was too much drama and bad things already! Now maybe, hopefully, you'll like this new chapter too! Hopefully you'll go to sleep smiling too! Maybe not as much as the last time, but at least one smile! Now it's time to see how their relationship is gonna develop now that they know more about each other! A little secret? I also missed them hugging and kissing and just being cute.
vicky: It was time for them to be honest with each other! They really needed to talk and finally they did, now maybe they'll stop acting weird around each other. And yes, it's sad that they said goodbye to each other, but remember they spent a whole year without seeing or talking, they're different. That's why they are gonna start from the scratch! And who knows? Maybe they end up falling in love again! Wouldn't it be cute? About your question... Yes, Jim will appear again in their lives. Maybe for bad, or maybe for good; maybe not in person, maybe yes. But he will appear, only that not so soon. I think it's gonna be interesting how Darren and Freckles would react if they get to see him or hear about him again.
SamHolmesCollins: You put Sam in your name again! I loved writing about them being together again, at least for one night. Oh! Will they fall in love again? I'm not sure about it; I could be a total bitch and not write about them falling in love again; or maybe my mind will act nicely and write, someday, about them falling in love again. Other things will happen in between and you might be confused and maybe, if I do it right, I'll make you think for a few chapters that you don't want Darren and Freckles together again because you want other things... Now I'll add my wicked laugh: Muahaha. I don't hate Blam, I really like them... And I want to clarify that I like them as friends, nothing more; because I didn't like at all the crush Blaine had on Sam. And maybe I only like Blam because of that episode in which they were superheroes and they were trying to get back the trophy and so then Blam! appeared like one of those slangs for superheroes; maybe just because I laughed and I like superheroes. Maybe. I'll consider about writing a book of advices, but surely it won't work because I can tell advices and all of that only when I'm not really thinking about writing an advice; when I think things too much because I'm somehow forced to write about certain topic, I screw everything. I really need to get the The Land of Stories book; everyday I'm more intrigued to read it, but I'm not sure they sell the book here! I also hate that Klaine now seems to be only dreams. Come what may shouldn't have been a fantasy; I hated that. But I'm sure that they will come back together, otherwise I'll travel to usa only to kick Ryan's ass. Because Klaine is the best couple on Glee, no one ever will be as great as they are. Klaine is real love, it really is. And yes, we're sorty and scarfy! My other otp. Ha! Take that Walker! But hey, Walker could join us sometime, I swear I wouldn't mind. We could throw a facebook party with him! And no, I learned that snickers aren't good. Not even joking. Lots of love for you, my Sherlock!
AnSofiekeeeh: You were hurried! I'm glad you could make it to let me know what you thought about the chapter! I'm super happy that you liked it and I really hope you can like this one too! At least there won't be a cliffhanger so you won't have to suffer it. Well, but I think is a nice chapter and not so dramatic!
Alright guys, that's all for today. I should really go to sleep right now cause I have to wake up in 5 hours to start travelling! Yay! I hope you can enjoy this chapter and I wish you all a week full of your favorite things of life! Do not forget to smile and make someone smile! Lots of warm fuzzies! Until next Saturday!
Teenage Dream – Chapter 37 – When I began to love myself.
I slowly opened my eyes feeling how my whole body was hurting but anyway something was feeling particularly pleasant. When I rubbed my eyes and I looked beside me, I found out why I was feeling something pleasant: Freckles was sleeping right next to me. I smiled at her even though she was still sleeping and couldn't see me. I snuggled up to her even closer and I rested my nose on her neck, still wrapping my arms around her. We finally could talk but I still wasn't sure that she believed me. I wished she could, but if not, it was okay; she was going to realize with time that I never wanted to leave her. At least we talked and we agreed to have a fresh start and it meant that I wasn't going to lose her completely. At least last night I could say goodbye to her and now I felt relieved; now I didn't have that pain I always had for feeling guilty, for feeling that something was missing. Yeah, it was weird to say goodbye to what we had; yeah, I felt a bit sad... But I still had her and that was what mattered. This fresh start could be a good thing, just as Joey said. I still had to get to know her again, I still had to find out how she was now; maybe I was going to find out that I don't love her anymore, that we should be only friends; or maybe not. The truth was that when we kissed last night, when we cuddled and caressed; I felt exactly the same feelings I used to have whenever I was with her; everything remained there, intact. But I made her a promise and I wasn't going to break it. I promised her that after last night, we were going to start from scratch. What were my plans now? I didn't have one, I was just going to be myself and show her the way I was now; I was going to enjoy my time with her, just as two people that are starting to know each other; I was just going to be friendly. But for now that she was still sleeping, I was going to hold her in my arms, feel her skin and smell her perfume, just one last time. Oh sweet wizard god, it was really good to have her back, even if it wasn't as before. I smiled really joyfully when I thought about this. I leaned and I kissed her cheek softly.
"Are you planning to wake up, Sleeping Beauty?" I whispered in her ear and she frowned, still with her eyes closed. "It's a beautiful day; it'd be a shame to waste it sleeping. Today is a good day to have a great day."
"Do not be annoying, Darren." She growled and I giggled softly, nuzzling my nose on her neck and she chuckled softly. "You're tickling me!"
"You know I won't stop until you wake up." I said jokingly, still nuzzling my nose on her neck and she kept giggling.
"Okay, okay, stop it!" She said laughing as she opened her eyes to look at me with a cheerful smile. I looked at her and I smiled kindly.
"Morning Freckles." I said kissing her cheek slightly and she smiled softly.
"Morning, handsome." She said chuckling and I looked at her amused, raising my eyebrows.
"Handsome?" I asked still amused.
"Yeah, handsome." She repeated with an amused smile, now sitting and stretching her arms while yawning and rubbing her eyes.
"I'll take it as a compliment." I answered amused, sitting next to her.
"Of course it is, silly." She said chuckling and then she stood up. "Oh my god, what time is it?"
"I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure it already dawned." I said joking, standing up behind her while placing my hands on her shoulders as I started massaging them.
"Oh, boy!" She moaned in pleasure. "Do you have any idea of how much I wanted massages? You were always good at it, unlike Ian."
"Who's Ian?" I asked curiously while I kept massaging her shoulders.
"Oh, my ex." She answered quietly and I suddenly got strained. So Ian was the guy that replaced me.
"Oh, I see..." I answered in a whisper. I wanted to know more about that guy. "Why didn't it work between you and him?"
"I don't know. We were different and we didn't want the same." She answered shrugging while I kept massaging her shoulders.
"But you loved him?" I asked curiously. I shouldn't have asked it because if she answered yes, I was going to feel bad. I really didn't know why I asked that, I was just curious... and maybe jealous too.
"Of course I did, otherwise he wouldn't have been my boyfriend." She answered frowning and I felt kinda sad. So she really found someone to love again, she really moved on after me, unlike me. "Anyway, I don't feel very comfortable talking about this with you."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. Let's change the topic." I said quickly, a bit nervous.
"Yeah." She answered shortly, now stepping away from me and started observing the view.
"Do you wanna come back to the camp?" I asked after a while. She turned around and smiled.
"No, not really. Why? Do you want to?" She asked with an amused smile. I just raised my eyebrows and snickered.
"Well... On one hand, I'd love to stay here with you a bit more. But on the other hand, I'm really starving; so yeah, I think I want to come back." I replied.
"Okay." She answered shrugging and smiling before she turned around again to observe the view.
"So..." I said gingerly. "We should go..."
"We? I don't think so, Criss. You were the one who said that wanted to come back, not me." She replied, still entertained seeing the panorama.
"Oh come on, Freckles! Then we can come back if you want! But right now I'm really starving!" I almost begged.
"I'm not forbidding you to go. You can come back, Darren and that's okay. I just want to be here a little more and explore new places." She said turning around to look at me.
"Without me?" I asked raising my eyebrows.
"I'd like to do it with you; but if you're starving and you want to come back, I understand." She answered. "I can go alone."
"You wouldn't do it alone." I said.
"Oh Criss, you judge me too much." She said smiling amused.
"What does it mean?"
"That I can do it alone. And I'll do it." She answered with an amused smile.
"Sure you will." I said sarcastically, also amused.
"Do I sense sarcasm?" She asked suspiciously but amused.
"No at all!" I exclaimed really sarcastically.
"Okay, good, I get it." She said nodding. "See you around, Criss. I have new places to explore!" She exclaimed loudly and amused as she started walking away.
"You're only feinting to go! You won't do it!" I yelled while she kept walking away.
But she didn't answer me and soon she walked inside the forest, getting lost of my sight. I looked at that direction in which she disappeared, in disbelief, raising my eyebrows and open-mouthed.
"I can't believe she actually did it." I exclaimed softly, still stunned. "Hey, Freckles! Wait for me!" I yelled as I ran behind her.
I entered the forest, but I couldn't find her. Oh great, the last I needed was to find her again in this forest and see another wolf, but a mean one now. Luckily it wasn't dark as last night, so I could see clearer. I started yelling her name but I didn't get any response from her.
"You know what?" I heard her voice yelling and I startled frightened as my heart started beating really fast.
"What the hell! You scared the crap out of me!" I yelled still a bit scared, now looking at Freckles who was laughing. "Why are you laughing? You almost give me a heart attack!"
"How very theatrical, Criss!" She said still laughing, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Not for nothing I'm studying that... It all was acted, I'm just practicing." I said looking away with an amused smile.
"Sure you are." She mocked me, still laughing and then she finally stopped. "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were starving so you were coming back to the camp."
"Oh yeah, but it turns out that I couldn't leave here you alone. I mean, what if something comes to happen to you? I need to be here to protect you for your silly, very silly actions." I said pretending to be very serious.
"Seriously? Well, that's very nice from you... But I honestly doubt that you can protect me if you keep yelling and squealing like a little child." She scoffed me, raising an eyebrow and looking at me very amused.
"Hey! That's not fair, it only happened once. You took me by surprise." I said giggling softly.
"Sure, sure." She said chuckling and she started walking, so I followed her.
"May I accompany you, lady?" I asked as a gentleman, extending her my hand. She turned her face and looked at me amused.
"I don't know... What would I get in return?" She asked playfully.
"A totally dork guy who's gonna make your walk even more enjoyable and funny, not to mention that I'm the weird guy who's gonna show you totally awesome places to explore." I said with a goofy smile.
"I like how it sounds. You convinced me." She said smiling back and taking my hand.
"Really? Have I convinced you so easily? You're easy." I said jokingly.
"How did you call me, Criss?" She asked squinting in suspicion.
"Just that you're adorable and I'm so honored to join you in your hike." I said shortly.
"Oh yeah, I thought so." She said raising an eyebrow, amused.
We walked in silence holding hands for a long time to nowhere in particular, just getting lost out there. She refused when I tried to take her to a specific place because she didn't want to follow any route; she just wanted to get surprised by the things we could find in our way to nowhere. She said it was exciting to get lost in a beautiful place like this and that we needed to take the risk because it was worth it. So yeah, that was a new thing about her that I didn't know... She wasn't like this before; she always liked to plan things before doing them. And I liked this new side of her.
"Okay... Freckles, we've been walking for hours. We should really arrive at some place." I complained a bit when my feet started aching. "So, where do you wanna go?"
"Traveler there is no path, paths are made by walking, Antonio Machado said that." She said smiling cheerfully and I looked at her in disbelief.
"I don't know who that Antonio Machado is. I can't even pronounce his name." I replied frowning. "Come on, just let's go somewhere and we can sit and talk and the shit you want. But just... Just let's go somewhere."
"Do you know what is totally awesome?" She asked smiling.
"Have you even listened to me?" I asked looking at her incredulous.
She didn't answer; she kept smiling cheerfully, looking all around the forest. Why the hell have I decided to go for a hike with her? Oh yeah right, because it was Freckles. I just sighed, resigned.
"What?" I finally asked.
"That everything has its beauty, but not everyone can see it. Like this." Freckles said smiling widely while looking all around, extending her arms as if she wanted to hug the panorama. I looked at her frowning. Was she crazy or something? "One of the nicest things in life is to see how the sun filters through the leaves." She said with a cute smile.
Now I looked intently the landscape around me, noticing what Freckles said. Well yeah, actually it was very nice but I couldn't get why it seemed to be that beautiful for her as she expressed. I looked at Freckles again and she seemed to be really happy and it was cute to see the way she was smiling brightly.
"Does it really make you that happy? Do you really enjoy that much something very simple as that?" I asked curious and frowning.
"Yeah, I think we must enjoy the little things in life because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things." She replied with the same bright smile.
Well, what she said left me thinking. There was something very nice about what she said; something I could never appreciate before. I put aside all those big things that made me happy once and I focused on the little things that usually made me happy. There was much more than what I expected. I started thinking about my guitar and the feelings I had whenever I played it; thinking about whenever I had to perform something at drama class, thinking about the jokes and laughs shared with my friends, the smell of coffee, the loud music while listening to my favorite bands; the Saturday morning cartoons; singing in the shower; eating sushi, ice cream and fresh, organic food; the raindrops falling on my face after a hot day and the moment after the rain stops that everything smells clean, fresh, and revitalized; the feeling of sand between my toes; an extra half-hour of sleep cuddling in bed in the morning with my pillow and then a breakfast in bed; the random and nonsense conversations with Joey and a long phone conversation with Jen; the hug of my mom; the proud smile of my dad; the jokes of Chuck; the laughter and eyes of Freckles. Whoa! She was right, man. Why haven't I realized those little and happy things before? I was always so focused on the big things that I never realized those important things.
"Yeah, I think I got your point." I said thoughtful after a long time I didn't speak. Freckles looked at me intrigued, still smiling. "Like I could also say that too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring... All of which have the potential to turn a life around." I said still deep in thought. Then I looked at Freckles and she was smiling at me widely.
"That's exactly what I'm trying to say. It's wonderful the way you said it." Freckles said in a sweet way and I smiled at her. Then she walked to me and kissed my cheek and it made me shiver.
"Yeah, and that action is one of those things I tried to say." I said smiling as I held her hand. Man, suddenly I was feeling really happy for nothing, as if something had changed in me.
"I propose you something!" She suddenly exclaimed excited.
"What?" I asked while chuckling.
"Catch me!" She exclaimed loudly and the she started running.
"Oh what?" I asked frowning but amused.
She didn't answer me and she kept running, so I just started running behind her while laughing. She was really fast and elusive, I had no idea where she got so much energy as a kid; but she was running, hiding behind the trees, climbing trees and jumping everywhere. This was literally as if we were just two kids playing and fooling around, a very innocent but funny game. Oh man, I couldn't remember the last time I played as a kid and I couldn't understand why I stopped doing that in my life. It was so much fun. I finally saw a part of her arm hiding behind a tree; she was hiding. It was time to act strategically. I tried to mislead her by throwing a stone on the opposite direction to where she was and to where I was walking very silently. I was already behind the same tree she was hiding, so then I threw another stone away from us. She fell into the trap and moved from behind the tree so I quickly took her by her waist and pulled closer to me.
"Ha! I caught you! You, nippy chipmunk!" I said laughing while still holding her. She started laughing out loud.
"You sneaky devil!" She complained while still laughing. "You set me up! You cheater!"
"Didn't know there were rules. Deal with it! I'm the winner!" I exclaimed loudly.
"Alright, you won!" She said huffing but giggling. "Are you planning to let me out to keep walking or not?"
"What if I'm not planning it?" I asked mischievously while I held her tighter.
"Then you'll have to raise me up and take me to somewhere like that. I dare you." She said looking at me in a challenging way.
"Oh, you think I can't do that? Let me prove you wrong, girl." I replied very amused as I raised her up in my arms.
"You won't last so much, Criss; so better if you give up, stubborn boy." She said giggling as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"You're underestimating me, darling. I was given the power of supreme strength!" I exclaimed imitating a superhero's voice and Freckles burst out laughing.
"Oh my god! You're a dork!" She said still guffawing.
"That I am!" I exclaimed cheerfully and also laughing because her laughter was really boisterous and catchy.
It was easy to carry her in my arms because she was thinner than in high school; but anyway, it was tough to carry in the arms a human being in this forest, trying to dodge all kinds of obstacles. And she knew this, so she wouldn't stop smiling amused, expectant for that moment that I'd say that I couldn't carry her any longer. But definitely I was going to prove her wrong, I was going to show her that I could do this; and besides, this was an excuse to be close to her. After a while, my arms and legs were really aching and I was doing my best not to give up; until I saw the end of the forest near us. Oh yeah! I was going to get it. Suddenly I felt very peppy and energetic, so I started running to there as Freckles started laughing. And there we arrived, to a very outstanding place. It was a really cool beach with a lot of weird rock formations and the forest now behind us; I recognized it, it was the Chapel Lake. I looked at Freckles who was looking all around with eyes wide open and a huge smile. She noticed I was looking at her because she looked at me still with that smile, so then I smiled back.
"Welcome to Chapel Rock and Beach!" I exclaimed excited while I left her.
"Oh my god, this place is amazing! Oh geez!" She exclaimed just as excited while she took off her shoes and socks.
"What are you doing?" I asked amused, looking at her frowning.
"Are you kidding me? We're at a beach! You really need to take off your shoes and feel the sand in between your feet! It's a very pleasant feeling, I recommend it." She said smiling radiantly.
"Okay..." I said merry and I started taking off my shoes while I was looking delighted at Freckles who was lively running on the sand while giggling.
Oh man, it was awesome to see her so happy like that, so brisk and full of joy. She was fiddling and hopping, waving and somersaulting. Whoa! When did she learn to do that? Now I really wanted to join her, so I hurried and left my shoes over there to go running to her. I took her by her waist and I raised her to start going round and round. She laughed out loud along with me until I tangled with my legs and I fell and made her fall next to me. Geez, this was like playing with a child; I couldn't stop laughing and neither could she.
"Oh, man!" I exclaimed loudly while still laughing boisterously, still laying in the sand next to her.
"We are covered in sand now!" Freckles said still laughing.
"Enjoy it! You were the one who wanted to feel the sand in between your feet, now you can feel it in between your entire body!" I said laughing softly, now looking at her who was just watching the sky and giggling.
"Not complaining. I love this!" She exclaimed happily. Could she be really happy about this?
"Okay, I have this extremely huge doubt..." I started saying while laying in the sand, looking at her. I finally caught her attention.
"What is that extremely huge doubt you have, Mr. exaggerated?" She asked chuckling while looking at me.
"What is happiness for you?" I asked and she looked at me amazed, raising her eyebrows and smiling.
"Well, I wasn't expecting that kind of question. But I like it." She said smiling joyfully as she turned on her side to face me, propping her head up on her hand. "But you'll probably get bored of listening to me."
"Trust me, I won't. I just want to know, I'd really like it. And hey, I can be serious sometimes... I really don't get why you said I'll get bored." I said frowning slightly as I also turned on my side to face her, propping my head up on my hand. She just giggled.
"Okay, I trust you, serious guy! All right... That's a hard question, because happiness itself cannot be defined, you know?" She said thoughtful now, looking up while she was thinking. It was adorable. "If you ask me in what happiness consists; I'd answer that it consists in securities, intimacies, commonalities, hospitality, experiences, inspirations, ideas, fantasies, challenges, goals. And I assure you that the list is incomplete."
"So... Do you think that there is any kind of formula to be happy or something? I mean, yeah, I got that happiness is all you said, but those are just feelings and thoughts. Now talking about actions, how do you get it?" I asked curious.
I really wanted to get to know her again: her thoughts, her feelings, her concerns, her dreams; everything. So I was glad she was open to talk to me about this. I just loved talking to her in the past, so surely I was going to love to talk to her again; just about random things. And now she was a mystery, what was making things even more interesting.
"Well... There's not exactly a formula, I guess. But yeah, I believe there's something..." She said still thoughtful as I was listening to her very intently. "Seven short steps for happiness for me are: Think less, feel more. Frown less, smile more. Talk less, listen more. Judge less, accept more. Look less, do more. Complain less, appreciate more. Fear less, love more. That works for me; but I don't know if that would work for others."
"I like how it sounds; maybe that is what we all have to do... But..." I started saying, now also very thoughtful. "Do you think that is all we need to be happy? I mean, that's it? No big things? No something that can happen that can turn your world into a happy one? Or maybe someone that can fix your crappy moments, making you see that we actually can be happy?"
"Oh well..." She said frowning and making a cute grimace with her mouth. "You see, I often see people who are miserable because they are waiting on something or someone to change their circumstances, like some giant external cause of happiness is going to come along one day and fix things. The truth is that rarely happens, if ever. You are in control of your own life and happiness, your own destiny. It's all up to you; that's the key." She answered with a slight smile and I smiled back.
"Actually, that's so damn right." I admitted while nodding. "I mean, why do we do it if we can be happy just with little silly things as you said before in the forest? We really don't need anybody to feel happy; of course others are an important part of our lives, but our happiness doesn't depend only on them. I wish everybody could see what you just said." I said still thoughtful as she was looking at me fixedly. "But hang on, no. I don't get it. If we don't need anybody to give us that happiness we need... Then, for example, why do we feel really sad when someone is missing or is absent, thinking that only if we get them back we're gonna feel happy again? Like, we can be happy without the need of being with someone; but we can be really sad if someone is absent. It sounds unfair." I said frowning, just thinking out loud. Then I looked at Freckles who was looking at me amused. "What?"
"Nothing... Just that I think it takes sadness to know happiness, noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence. How ironic, huh?" She asked raising an eyebrow, still smiling amused.
"Yeah, very ironic, in fact." I agreed nodding and frowning. "Haven't you ever wondered why life sucks sometimes? Why it has to be so damn hard and complicated? Why we, human beings, have to be so complicated?" I asked still thinking about her response and I heard her giggle, so I looked at her curiously.
"Oh, Darren!" She said still giggling and I couldn't get why she was giggling if that was serious question. "Life is beautiful, the problem is that many people confuse beautiful with easy." She replied shrugging with a nice smile. "Nothing is easy, everything is hard and complicated; and there resides the beauty of life."
"How come?" I asked really confused.
"Well, think about it for a moment..." She said and I tried to do it, but I couldn't get her point. "You can't?" She asked and I shook my head, now feeling a little stupid. "Well, I won't tell you the answer, because that's only my point of view. But I'll help you to find out what I think that doesn't mean you have to think like me, you'll find out your own answer; let me ask you something for that..." She said and I nodded. "You have a talent for music; you've been into music all your life, right?" She asked and I nodded. "So now you're in a course studying some things about music that you already know, because you learned that years ago unlike some of your fellows; surely it happened to you, right?" She asked and I nodded again. Yes, there were already a lot of things I knew. "So, when you had your first exam about all those things you already knew... You got a good score?"
"Yeah, a really good one." I answered. I still couldn't get why she was asking me those things.
"Was it the best of the course?"
"Yeah..." I answered kind of uncomfortable.
"Did you feel happy when you got the best score of the course?" She asked and I really felt uncomfortable. I didn't know why she was asking that.
"Of course I felt happy, duh. It was a great achievement."
"I thought so." She said smiling. "Now, surely after that you kept learning things, but the difference was that you still didn't know those things. Am I wrong?"
"No, you're right. I learned a lot of new things."
"I see... Now everything wasn't as easy as before, right? Now you were pair up with your classmates, right?"
"Yes, that's right."
"And you had another exam about all of those things you learned for the first time, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did have one."
"And did you get a good score?"
"Yes, not as great as the first one; but yeah..."
"Right... And now tell me... Which one of the results of the two exams made you feel happier? The easy one that you were almost sure you were going to get a good score? Or the hard one that took you so much time and effort, and with that complications, to get a good score? With which one you felt more accomplished?" She asked with an amused smile and I thought few seconds before answering.
"With the hard one... In that moment I thought: Hey man, I got it! I fucking got it!" I said with a huge smile when I remembered that moment.
"Can you see what I'm trying to say now?" She asked looking at me while smiling. "Life is like a hard exam. It's complicated, it's hard, it requires a lot of effort and dedication, it makes us feel like we try and try but it seems that is impossible to get what we want. Until eventually we get it and we feel extremely accomplished and happy; but always only after the storm we can see the sun. When things are easy, we feel happy; but that happiness is nothing compared to when we get to achieve those hard things. That is why I think that in the hard things resides the beauty of life." She finally said smiling brightly.
"Whoa!" I exclaimed looking at Freckles stunned. How come I couldn't see that point of view before? "How do you manage to make things seem so simple and obvious when actually they aren't? I mean, if I never heard this from you, surely I would have never realized this by myself."
"Oh, you surely would have got it. Actually, you realized it by yourself, when you answered that you felt happier with the score of your hard exam. I only helped you to say it out loud." Freckles said shrugging and smiling kindly.
"No... You actually did everything. I mean, if it weren't for those questions you asked me..."
"You know?" She interrupted me. "I didn't do anything. As I said, I only helped you to say it loud; because deep inside you, you already knew that the hardest things in our lives are the most pleasurable ones when after a lot of effort we get a positive result."
"Okay, I won't argue with you, because I'll end up losing. You were always the wiser one, I can't compete." I said giggling softly.
"Hey, no! That's not right. I can know a lot about general culture because I spent my whole life studying to get more knowledge. But right now we're talking about life; and when it comes to life, no one can be right or wrong. We just think and feel in different ways, and that's the cool thing, to have different point of views. So I'm pretty sure we can have a dialogue and an interesting nonviolent debate. And I assure that we can learn from each other and we'll always learn new things. Life didn't come with resolute and factual formulas." Freckles said smiling and I was just admiring her like a fool.
"Okay, I'll take it." I said looking at her amused and still amazed.
She smiled and then she started sinking her finger on the sand, as playing with it, like drawing things on the sand, peacefully. I just observed her for a long time, admiringly and very intrigued to know more about her. She was smiling and she kept drawing with her fingers on the sand, so then I saw what she was drawing that kept her very entertained. Oh my wizard god! How the hell could she have done that drawing? I mean what? That was a really amazing drawing, in the fucking sand! It was a landscape with mountains and trees, with two kids holding hands while climbing a mountain. What was that? How the hell did she do it? She was very talented, but since when? I never knew she was good at drawing. I just observed, bewitched, how she was still drawing, until she finished and looked up to find me looking at the drawing very stunned. I only realized she was looking at me now because she chuckled.
"How did you do that?" I asked puzzled, now looking at her agape.
"With my fingers, Darren." She said laughing, mocking me.
"Oh really? I'd have never guessed it!" I exclaimed sarcastically while laughing. "But I mean… It's like you've got magical fingers or something…"
"Maybe I'm magical, yeah. Maybe I'm an alien that is dressed up as a girl, but actually is infiltrating in between humans because wants to conquer the world! Maybe I'm a badass, a really perverse alien and maybe this isn't a drawing, maybe this is a secret map in my alien language of my destiny to find the powerful weapon that would allow me to conquer the world." She said fluently, making an evil grimace while I was looking at her really amused, trying my best not to laugh. Oh dude, how could she have such imagination? I totally loved that.
"Oh, yeah right. And I bet those two kids aren't kids, that's you with your pet that is also dressed up as a boy and that is right here with us now! Hey! You evil alien pet, get out of wherever you are!" I yelled at nowhere, pretending to be alarmed and Freckles chuckled softly.
"What if I tell you that you're my evil alien pet, huh?" She asked mischievously, raising an eyebrow and looking at me in an evilly way.
"I'd think… Hey, man, when and why did it happen to me?" I replied pretending to be really disturbed and she laughed.
"You're totally a bad evil alien pet. You suck as that." She said shaking her head and I looked at her pretending to be offended.
"Excuse me? I'm the best evil alien pet ever! Like, ever, man! Maybe you can't understand it because I've suddenly evolved into another more developed species. Maybe now I'm the king of the aliens and now you're under my command. You should respect me as I'm like your boss." I said pretending to be important, looking at her arrogantly in a jokingly way.
"Are you? I'm so sorry, my alien king. What can I do for you?" She asked in a very submissive way, looking down as if she was showing respect and inferiority.
"You could start massaging my feet." I said jokingly.
"Ugh, gross!" She replied now with a disgusted face and frowning, but amused.
"Gross? Why would it be gross?" I asked frowning.
"Sorry, but have you smelled your feet? You stink!" She exclaimed while laughing. "Stinky Darren! Stinky, stinky, stinky!" She made fun of me in a playful way and I couldn't help it laughing.
"That's not true at all!" I said now leaning my head and pulling a foot closer to smell it while Freckles looked at me amazed and she burst out laughing. "My feet smell like pink."
"Yeah, pink like a novelty brand new cheese." She answered nodding and raising an eyebrow.
"How funny!" I exclaimed mockingly, sticking out my tongue.
"Oh my god!" She exclaimed loudly, laughing out loud rowdily. "I can't believe you just did it! Oh gosh, you're a little kid, Darren! How old are you? Eight?"
"Six, to be precise." I said giggling as she shook her head, still laughing. "Okay, going back to seriousness..."
"Oh, no!" She complained as a kid, frowning and pouting and I looked at her fascinated. Man, I always loved when she pouted; she just looked so cute mixed with her sensuality. "What?"
"Nothing..." I lied and I closed my mouth because I realized I was open-mouthed like a fool.
"Okay..." She said looking at me raising eyebrows while snickering. "So, going back to seriousness... What were you going to say before I interrupted you? I'm sorry for that; I never realize that I'm a pain in the ass when I interrupt people. I shouldn't do that."
"It's okay, really. I tend to interrupt as well, everybody does sometimes." I said taking her apology. "Well, I was just wondering... I mean, the drawing and all that... Since when you can do such things?"
"Oh, last year I took a course in drawing and painting. It was really cool and it helped me to unwind whenever I was angry, nervous or stressed. I really love doing this kind of thing." She answered smiling slightly.
"Oh, I see. Well, you're really good at it." I admitted sincerely. "But what prompted you to take a course in drawing and painting?"
"I don't know, I wanted to try new things, I love doing new things. Everything that is new or uncommon raises a pleasure in the imagination, because it fills the soul with an agreeable surprise, gratifies its curiosity, and gives it an idea of which it was not before possessed. Okay, right to the point… To be honest, and don't laugh at me because of this, I always wanted to learn how to draw... Since I saw your drawings of Mickey on my first day of school in my Junior year." She said laughing cheerfully, making fun of herself and I just looked at her surprised.
"Really?" I asked laughing amused, still surprised. I couldn't believe it; I couldn't even believe that she remembered those drawings. "Those drawings sucked! I never could draw a worthy Mickey."
"Yeah, but I loved them anyway." She replied shrugging. "However, I'm still not good at it, I need to keep improving. You see? There are a lot of failures on my drawings. For example, in this drawing over here, the remainder of the drawing that the wind couldn't blow, the perspective of the different objects and trees are wrong; so as the kids, the kids shouldn't be so tall because they're in a relatively far distance. The shadows of some tress are wrong, because the sun is supposed to be here, not there..." She said pointing all the things she was saying.
"For me, that is fucking perfect, Freckles. It's just so good." I admitted honestly again. I couldn't believe she was saying that the drawing had a lot of failures.
"Yeah, but it isn't." She said sighing and then she blew the drawing and the entire drawing disappeared. I just looked at it perplexed with eyes wide open.
"How have you dared to do that? Are you fucking crazy? I loved that drawing and you just blew it!" I exclaimed really thunderstruck and she giggled softly.
"The wind was going to blew it anyway. Someday I'll draw something for you in a paper if you want, but don't get mad!" She said still giggling.
"Would you really draw something for me? Watch out, because I take your word!" I exclaimed looking at her amused and she shook her head, smiling gaily.
"Yes, I will. Maybe I could draw you a Mickey, you seem to be obsessed with Mickey." She said jokingly.
"Yeah, kind of; I just love Disney, okay?"
"Not making fun of you. I love Disney as well." She said shrugging, still smiling merrily.
"I want something for my room. I want to have a room like yours; I totally love your room. Could you do it for me?" I asked, really hoping she could say yes.
"Yes, I'd like that. I just love decorating places. But you won't be allowed to complain if you don't like it." She said warningly.
"I'm sure I'll love it, whatever it comes to be."
"Okay, just let me to get better at it, and I'll draw something nice to you." She said smiling slightly.
"But you're already good, really good at it! I don't know why you say that." I said frowning.
"No, I'm not, really." She said sighing, now drawing random circles on the sand. "I need to keep practicing; otherwise my professors will kick my ass." She said giggling faintly. She looked very placid and appeased. She was like inspiring me tranquility.
"How's that? I don't get it, why did you mention your professors? Are you taking a distance learning course?" I asked curiously.
"No..." She said laughing, looking at me amused. "That's what I'm studying here at University of Michigan."
"What? What are you exactly studying? I never had the chance to ask you that and I'm really curious. I mean, I'm pretty sure I saw you in my Costume Design course..."
"Did you?" She interrupted me, now looking at me frowning and confused.
"Yeah well, by that time I wasn't sure it was you because by that time I still didn't know you were actually here. But then when I found out that you were here and you were Meredith's roommate, then yeah... I always suspected it was you the one who I saw that day. Are you in that course?" I asked really intrigued.
"Yes, I am. Guess we're classmates." She answered cheerfully.
"But, you see, I don't get it! You're in the same course than me, but you said you needed to keep practicing your drawings because that is what you're studying. And Costume Design is a course of Theater Performance and I can assure you that we don't have drawing courses." I said still frowning in confusion and she laughed at it.
"Yeah, well, that's because I'm not studying Theater Performance. I'm studying Interarts Performance; so it's a program that involves visual arts and theater as well as it brings you the possibility to create original performance pieces. So yeah, it's a balanced combination of studio courses from the School of Art & Design and the Department of Theatre & Drama. That's why we share a course and that is why also I have to draw among other things." She explained me quiet, still smiling slightly.
"That seems so cool! I didn't even know that program existed. So, you're gonna take courses that I took last year. You know; if someday you need any kind of help, just let me know. I'd be glad to feel useful." I said kindly, smiling at her.
"Thank you, Darren. Maybe someday I'll need any kind of help, who knows?" She replied.
"Yeah... Anyway, I find it weird that you're studying that. I mean, I always thought you were going to consider a career as a politician. I mean, I've always been amazed by your logic and intelligence." I admitted, looking at her intrigued. She was a real mystery now. "So, why have you decided to study something like this?"
"Well, you know? Over time, I learned that logic will get you from A to B. Instead, imagination will take you everywhere. To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all. And I want to find all those hidden and recondite places, and what better to test the imagination with art?" She answered smiling widely. "You see? Even if I'm not good enough, I'm enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. My imagination can picture no fairer happiness than to continue living for art."
"Yeah, I understand... But why imagination? I mean, yeah, I understood what you said that imagination can take you everywhere... But why do you think now that imagination is more important than knowledge? Well, at least that is what I think you tried to say." I said still a bit confused and very intrigued.
"Yes, that is exactly what I tried to say. So, why do I think that imagination is more important than knowledge? Well, because imagination is everything, it's the preview of life's coming attractions. Einstein said that, Einstein! If Einstein said that, then I think that the true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination. Like, yeah, imagination rules the world!" She exclaimed excited and happily and I smiled at her. "You know? I like to think that I'm pure imagination; that I can see what the eyes cannot see, I can hear what the ears cannot hear, and I can feel what the heart cannot feel. I mean, yeah, I believe in the imagination. What I cannot see is infinitely more important than what I can see and after all, you need imagination in order to imagine a future that doesn't exist. The power of imagination makes us infinite. And also going back to the topic of happiness; I do think that happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination; happiness it's the work of the imagination." She said dreamily and I looked at her bewitched. I loved her way of thinking, the way she said all of those things. It was just so catchy, like she inspired something now... something new and pleasant. "So yeah, that is why I think imagination is way more important than knowledge. That is why I'm studying something that allows me to unleash my imagination. Art and theatre are perfect for that; and it makes me really happy." She said smiling brightly and I smiled back at her. I was speechless admiring her.
"Everything you said is simply wonderful and so inspiring, you know?" I said smiling warmly at her. "When I think about it, I can notice that you've changed a lot. You definitely aren't the girl you used to be; I'm not saying that this is something good or bad; I'm just saying that you're different now. What led you to change the way you are?" I asked curiously and she looked down. Maybe that was an uncomfortable question for her, so I tried to fix it somehow. "You don't have to answer that, I was just curious because you seem to be very confident now and yeah..."
"No, it's okay." She answered in a whisper and then she looked up to me. "I think that I'm different now because before I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but then I realized it comes from within. It was there all the time, but I couldn't see it." She answered and I looked at her intently, expecting to keep hearing her answer, but she didn't say anything more, so I dared to insist. "I just began to love myself."
"That's it?" I asked trying to figure out if there was something else.
"Yes, that is it all." Freckles answered shrugging and smiling faintly.
I just frowned and looked down. Maybe she didn't want to tell me and it was fine, but I really wanted to know. I was very curious and I wanted to understand; I wanted to understand this new Freckles as I used to understand the old Freckles. She noticed I was thoughtful or something, because she placed her hand on my chin and lifted it so I could look into her eyes. She was smiling kindly.
"Maybe you can't see that when you began to love yourself it changes everything. Then you wonder why something as simple as that can bring so many different things that has the power to turn a life." She said softly and kindly. Her voice and her bright eyes had something that was making me feel really relaxed and serene, it was odd. "I learned how to love myself, and as I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is authenticity." She started explaining and I looked fixedly into her eyes. She was opening herself to tell me something that maybe was very private. "As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time wasn't right and the person wasn't ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it respect. As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. I call it maturity. As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I'm in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment; so I could be calm. Today I know that is self-confidence." She said still smiling kindly and looking at me with those big bright eyes.
I was just listening to all she was saying, very amazed. It was something kind of nice to hear. For a moment, I thought she finished saying all she wanted to say because there was a long silence in which we only stared into each other's eyes. But I was wrong, she kept talking.
"As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it simplicity. As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health, like food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it's love of oneself." She said with a really sweet voice as I smiled warmly at her. I, instinctively, held her hands. I don't know why I did it, it just felt right and she let me do so. "As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is modesty. As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it fulfillment. As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection wisdom of the heart." She said softly as we kept holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. This situation was one of the weirdest ones I've ever had, weird but magical. There was something about what she was saying that was very moving. "We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know that is life." She said smiling sweetly and shrugging, with very bright and dreamy eyes.
"That was wonderful. I'm speechless and you know? I'm never speechless; so you can picture how much what you said affected me for good." I said in all honesty, looking deeply into her eyes. "It's extraordinary all the things you learned. Now I get why you're this kind of totally awesome person." I whispered without even thinking.
"Kind of totally awesome person?" She asked giggling and I just smiled brightly at her.
"Yes, that." I said. Fortunately she didn't take it in a bad way. "Can I ask you something?"
"You just did... But yeah, shoot." She said amused and I shook my head while chuckling softly.
"I have... I have a doubt." I said trying to find the proper way to ask her what I wanted to know. I was going to bring back the conversation we had last night. "When we were apart..." I started saying gingerly and she frowned slightly, but I wasn't going to regret at this point. "How have you overcome it? I mean, you still didn't know how things were and all this time you've been thinking that I used you as a toy, undervaluing you as a person. And maybe you still think it was like that, but that isn't the point." I said quickly while she was looking at me serious now. "I already know all the things you've done to be busy and not to think about me; but talking about feelings and emotions… How have you overcome it?" I finally asked and she looked down and remained silent for a long time. Maybe I screwed it. But she spoke.
"Well, with a selective memory to remember the good, prudent logic to not ruin the present and defiant optimism to face the future." She answered shrugging, still looking down. It had sense, but I knew there was something else; so I remained looking at her in silence. She noticed and looked up to me, and then she sighed. "I understood that no matter how hard your past was, you can always start over. So then there comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. I understood that falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living." She said and I looked deeply into her eyes, then I looked down.
Yes, there was something beautiful of what she said, but there was also something that made me feel a little bad. Maybe for her I was one of those people that brought her drama and bad; maybe I wasn't one of those people that could make her laugh and treated her right. Could she think that of me? Then I looked at her again, this time trying to do my best to not think about that, but apparently I couldn't because she looked at me sadly.
"See? I knew I shouldn't have said that..." She said now looking away.
"No, it's fine and I'm glad you did. We're just talking honestly; it could have been worse, you know? It's fine, really." I said shortly because I didn't want to ruin the good moment we were spending minutes ago. She looked at me again and then sighed.
"Listen, Darren..." She started saying softly and I was just silently looking at her. "I've forgiven mistakes that were indeed almost unforgivable. I've tried to replace people who were irreplaceable and tried to forget those who were unforgettable. I've been disappointed by people when I thought that this could never be possible, and I have also disappointed some people." She said looking deeply into my eyes with a hint of sadness. I knew she was talking about me, about us. I tried my best to keep looking into her eyes without feeling anguished. "I've loved and I've been loved, but I have also been rejected. I've smiled even when I couldn't." She said now with cracked voice and teary eyes; but not shedding tears, though. In that moment, the lump on my throat appeared and it was really painful. Again, I tried my best to not do something stupid that was crying. "I've made friends for life. I've cried while listening to music and looking at old pictures. I've called someone just to hear their voice on the other side. At times, I thought I would die of sadness. At other times, I felt very afraid that I might lose someone very special, which ended up happening anyway." She said now looking down and biting her lower lip. Could I be that special someone? Man, this was very touching, I was feeling touchy. Then she looked up to me with the same teary eyes and she smiled faintly. "But I survived. And I'm still alive. The best thing in life is to go ahead with all your plans and your dreams, to embrace life and to live every day with passion, to lose and still keep the faith and to win while being grateful. All of this because the world belongs to those who dare to go after what they want. And because life is really too short to be insignificant. That is how I overcome it, Darren; that is how." She said in a whisper, still with that faint smile but now looking down.
"Yeah... Thank you." I said now looking at her with a faint smile, still feeling bad but also feeling a bit glad. "Thanks for opening your heart with me and telling me the truth of how you felt and all." I said again with the same smile. She only nodded.
"And how did you do it?" She suddenly asked and I looked at her stunned. I wasn't expecting this question and I never thought about it before. I remained looking very deeply into her eyes.
"I never could." I answered while still looking at her. That was the most honest thing I've ever said. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but she was honest to me, so I had to.
So then the uncomfortable silence that I didn't want to happen came. My intentions with that question weren't to be like this now, but it happened. Now the two of us were just watching the sky, in silence. And we weren't holding hands anymore. Maybe I really screwed it and I wasn't ready to hear that response. Or maybe I just needed to hear it so finally I could understand that she and I were just... a distorted kind of friends. That's it. Why was it too hard for me to forget her and all we had? Maybe I shouldn't forget, maybe I should just let it go just as she did. Damn, I promised to start over again with her; so why was I thinking that? Anyway, why was I thinking about all these things? Why couldn't I just stop thinking at least for a second? Shit.
"You know what?" Suddenly Freckles said and I startled.
"What?" I asked now looking at her. She sat and faced me while I just remained laying on the sand.
"I do think that neither love nor genuine encounters, not even the really failed encounters, are the work of chance, but those are mysteriously reserved to us." She started saying and I just looked at her like 'what the fuck?' I really had no idea what she was talking about and I didn't understand a damn shit of what she said. "How many times in life I was surprised by how, among the crowds of people in the world, those we met, somehow, had the tables of our destiny, as if we belonged to the same secret organization, or chapters of a book!" She exclaimed kind of excited and I still couldn't understand what she was saying. Did this even have sense? Was she saying something serious like a thought or was she joking? "I never knew if they are recognized because we were already looking for them, or if we look for them because they already lined the outskirts of our destination." She said with a gently smile. I just remained looking at her in confusion, raising an eyebrow. What was that about? "What I'm trying to say... Maybe our encounter wasn't accidental; maybe we were looking for each other without knowing and then we encountered; or maybe we were simply destined to encounter again. Maybe we still have unfinished business, maybe we just needed to be reunited again because of something, maybe we have a purpose in life together. Haven't you thought about it?"
"No, not really." I replied frankly when I got what she tried to say. When she heard my response she just nodded and looked down. Maybe she said it to cheer me up or something and I was screwing it. "But I'd like to think it was something like that." I said smiling softly and she looked at me again with a smile. "Maybe we weren't meant to be separated, so destiny or whatever reunited us." I added and she nodded, thoughtful. That was an insinuation, but she didn't get it.
Anyway, why was I doing that? I didn't believe in that shit of destiny or whatever as she said. Actually, I had no idea why I said that I'd like it to be like that. No, I wanted everything to be different. Yeah, she was different and there were cool things in her new personality; but also there were things that maybe I didn't like too much; exactly like this thing of destiny. Why would she associate everything to fate? It was just a coincidence that I encountered her again, it was a coincidence that she was Meredith's roommate; that wasn't fate or destiny or any of that shit. And it wasn't destiny nor coincidence that I've been searching for her a damn whole year to explain her what truly happened to see if finally we could be together again as I was wishing with all my being; to explain her something that she didn't even believe. And fuck! What was wrong with me? Why was I being so pessimistic all of a sudden? See? That wasn't me; she was making me feel in a way I didn't want to feel, in a way that I hated to feel. But also I needed to admit that she was making me feel completely happy and yeah... Everything was messy, unclear, and irresolute. I couldn't even tell if encountering her again was a good or a bad thing. Probably it was a really good thing, but also probably it was something that shouldn't have happened because nothing was as it used to be. Damn, I didn't even know how to act when she was around. But geez, she was Freckles; I wanted her to be around. Like what? Was I beginning to be bipolar? I really needed to think what I really wanted.
"You seem to be very thoughtful, Darren." She said with a sweet voice and that made my heart skip a beat. Sometimes I wished she didn't have that sweet voice that could make me feel so meek; sometimes I hated the sound of her voice, but I loved it.
"Yeah, I am..." I answered in a whisper and then I looked at her. I shouldn't have done that. She was smiling lovingly, and her smile was always my weak spot.
"What are you thinking? I've already talked a lot about myself; I'd like to know more things about you, Dare." She said sweetly, still smiling.
My heart, over again, skipped a beat when I heard her calling me 'Dare' as the old times. And besides, she was interested on knowing things about me. Man, I was feeling very mild; she made me feel tranquil again, just with the sound of her voice and her smile.
"Nothing, just silly things." I answered smiling yearningly at her. Why? Why was I smiling at her like that? Dammit, Darren! Just one second, only one second, try to not make a fool of yourself.
"Okay, I understand if you don't feel like sharing your things." She said friendly.
"No, that's not... Freckles, that's not the reason. Trust me; I was really thinking about silly things." I said shortly. I didn't want her to misunderstand me, even though she was a bit right.
"Alright, I trust you." She smiled slightly.
"Freckles?" I asked a bit thoughtful; thinking about the uncomfortable situation we just went through.
"Yeah?"
"We're fine, aren't we?" I asked gingerly looking at her.
"Of course we're fine. Why wouldn't we?" She asked frowning in confusion, but with a faint smile.
"I don't know, I was just wondering." I replied shrugging.
"And I think you overthink things. Just because we talked about something a bit uncomfortable minutes ago and we remained like fifteen minutes without talking and without looking at each other, doesn't mean that we aren't fine. It was something that needed to be said and we're good now." Freckles said with an amused smile and I looked at her bewildered.
"How did... How did you even know I was thinking about that?" I asked still bewildered. There was no way she could have figured it out.
"I'm a girl. Girls have a very powerful weapon that is called female intuition. It's amazing." She said nodding and raising an eyebrow as I just laughed. "But the truth is that girls are the ones who usually overthink things, we're kind of paranoid sometimes because we think about all the options and chances that can exist; so we can figure out really quickly when a guy is thinking about certain things, and more after a moment like the one we recently had; we know, we know. And obviously I shouldn't be telling this because it's a woman secret. Now all the girls in the planet are gonna kill me, so be thankful and honored that I revealed you that secret." She said amused and I laughed out loud.
"I'm so honored. Now I feel as if I were also a girl." I answered jokingly.
"Oh no, trust me. You still have much to learn in order to think and feel like a girl." She corrected me, raising an eyebrow and still looking at me amused.
"Yeah, I really think that if men decided to write a book about what men know about women; that would be a really short book, because it'll have pure unwritten pages." I said jokingly.
"Damn right. Like, men will never understand periods and women will never understand boners. That's a fact." She said laughing and nodding and I laughed even louder.
"Oh my wizard god, you're totally awesome." I exclaimed while still laughing boisterously.
"Oh my wizard god? Hey, I love that expression too. Your singular and creative vocabulary amazes me." She said admiringly.
"What can I say? I guess I'm a Harry Potter freak and I relate everything to that." I answered amused.
"Do you love Harry Potter? Oh boy! We totally need to watch a marathon of Harry Potter movies! Have you read the books?" She asked very excited. Oh man, she also loved Harry Potter, that was so freaking amazing.
"Of course I did! That shouldn't even be a question!" I exclaimed just as excited.
"Oh my god, I love you." She exclaimed still amazed and excited. But when I heard that, I couldn't help it but feeling really stunned. Like my heart started beating really fast when I heard those words directed to me from her mouth.
"I love you too." I said, now pretending I was just saying that because of this Harry Potter issue as she did.
Truth was that I really meant that 'I love you'. Even if she wasn't the same; the feeling was still there no matter how hard I tried to deny it or convince myself that I didn't like this new Freckles. Damn, what was she doing to me?