Jean Havoc

2nd lieutenant Havoc was on the last ten minutes of his lunch break. He was enjoying the simple pleasures of a Newport menthol on a particularly hot day. Mustang told him earlier that the Elric brothers would arrive later that evening and asked Jean to pick him up. So he felt relieved as Edward walked up the steps. His date was safe…at least until Roy got wind of it. Ed didn't appear to be in the best of moods, so Jean offered him a warm welcome and a handshake. As soon as the small breeze from Ed's jacket created during the handshake hit the man, he almost fainted. Words couldn't describe how horribly the kid reeked. Upon further inspection, Ed's hair was greasy, and he had a few pimples on his face. Havoc knew he had to intervene. After all, he couldn't let the boy go into Mustang's office like that. Havoc didn't really know where to start though, sure he had siblings who had adolescent children, but they dealt with their personal hygiene. That was just it. Ed really didn't have anybody to tell him about that stuff. He seldom visited Pinako Rockbell, and he was on the road all the time so nobody, out of politeness, would call him on it. He cared for the kid, he really did, but he wouldn't express it in a hug right then.

"Um…when was your last shower, chief?" Jean asked, trying his damndest to stand upwind. Ed cocked his head to the side, confused.

"What does that matter? Did that bastard tell you to stall me? Because if he's got a girl in there, I'm taking pictures." Ed tried to push his way past the man, who only pulled him back by the hood of his coat.

"Ed, seriously. When was the last shower?"

"Ah! Let go of me! Two days ago, happy?" Ed spat back. He was now genuinely anxious to see why Mustang had to buy some time.

"Two days?! Jesus, man! Now look, I'm only telling you this because I'm your friend. You smell like you fell in a septic tank. You need to shower every day without fail."

"Every day? What a waste of water! I always take a shower or bath every Saturday. If I smelled that bad, someone would have said something. How can you even smell me? Everyone knows you lose you sense of smell when you smoke, you smoker!"

"Exactly! Your scent is so pungent, it cuts right through me. I think I can even taste you. As for everyone else, I think they were being polite."

Ed was starting to lose his patience. Didn't everyone else have a Saturday shower? He would understand if someone fell in mud or was landscaping all day, then a shower would be in order, but EVERY DAY without fail? He crossed his arms and pouted.

"Why everyday, smart-ass?" Havoc snuffed out his cigarette with his foot and sighed.

"When you get older, you start…gland-ing more. You have those glands everywhere, Ed. Even on your head. See? Greasy." He emphasized his point by rubbing his thumb and forefinger on Ed's antennae. Ed slapped his hand away and readjusted his blond strand. As he did it, he felt the grease on his fingers. He brought his hand to his face and rubbed those fingers together. His eyes widened in sudden realization. He looked at the lieutenant who only nodded slowly. He hesitantly brought his tank top to his face and inhaled. He was horrified. Why didn't anyone tell him?

"I'm going to the locker room." Ed stated flatly, avoiding eye contact with the man who kindly noted his grave error. He opened the door to go in, but Jean dragged him back out again.

"You can't go in there. You're still going to pass people on your way to the shower, boss. Sit tight, I'll be back." Havoc strolled into the building and grabbed the phone. He dialed Hawkeye and told her that he ran into Ed, but silly him; he forgot the report at the hotel. So he was going to drive him back. She agreed and said she'd buy them some time. Havoc hung up and trotted back outside and dragged smelly Ed with him.

Havoc rolled Ed's window down so the scent wouldn't remain in his car. Ed's cheeks and nose were dark red in embarrassment. He hugged himself tightly so he would know not to move or lift his arms. To save him from his self-pity, Havoc started making small talk. Ed told him of his last mission which, yet again, was a pointless endeavor. They arrived to Havoc's flat and he handed Ed some towels and a gallon bag of hygiene products.

"Okay, this is deodorant. Not expensive, apply it to your armpits every morning. It'll keep you from sweating. This is Cologne. Astronomically expensive, so go easy on that. Besides being costly, it's also really strong and that could offend people as much as B.O. And finally, this is conditioner. With hair like yours, you're gonna want smooth hair without grease. Put it in after the shampoo. Got it?" Ed nodded, so Havoc let the lad take his much-needed shower. Afterwards, Jean demonstrated how to properly use the deodorant and the cologne. He helped Ed wash his clothes and drove him back to the base.

"Um…thanks lieutenant. You saved my ass from another nasty comment from Colonel Bastard." He joked to hide his humiliation. They arrived at the office and everyone greeted the two kindly. Ed made his way past Hawkeye's desk who lifted he head up and spoke.

"Is that new cologne you're wearing Ed?" He nodded nervously. "Smells nice." She smiled. Ed grinned and burst into Roy's office with a dangerously high ego. As the door slammed behind him, Hawkeye eyed havoc slyly.

"…Smells suspiciously like your cologne, Lieutenant Havoc."