"Brother, you fell asleep again. You need to stay awake to give the Colonel your report!" Alphonse informed his elder brother who had been semi-comatose since their return to Eastern Headquarters. The last mission was a complete and utter cluster-fuck. They managed to pull a corrupt alchemist with a god-complex out of his throne; at the expense of damage to public property. The train was so decrepit that sleep during the trip was out of the question. Ed actually managed to fall asleep as he got into Havoc's car. The power-nap was short-lived; considering that he smacked his head on the door frame. Ed just wished his kid brother would just let him sleep during the brief car ride, but it was not to be.

"Hey Boss, you want some coffee? It'll keep ya awake for quite a while."

"I don't WANT to stay awake, I just want to sleep!" Ed groaned as he reached for the thermos the older man offered him. He spun the lid off the top and drank it without question. That proved to be a mistake because he swiftly spat it out the window and down the side of Havoc's ivory-white car.

"Hey, HEY! Come on, Ed! Just had this thing detailed!"

"Don't blame ME for spitting shit out of my mouth! What is it?" Ed was certainly awake now.

"Black coffee, boss. I hate that stuff people put in their drinks. That's not coffee, it's more like a melted candy bar in a cup!" Havoc was a bit insulted. Coffee is simply an acquired taste that the brat had yet to acquire.

Havoc dropped the two off in front of the main gate and drove off. Al said he was going to meet Ed back at the dorm. He walked down the hallway and was greeted by various people whose names he couldn't remember. He burst through the Colonel's door so hard that witnesses would claim that they saw the wood splinter. All of Mustang's subordinates jumped except for the Bastard himself who more or less tuned it out. Roy glanced at the wall clock and folded his hands on his desk.

"You're on time, Fullmetal. I suppose there's a first time for everything. Now, is that because you were responsible, or is it because Lieutenant Havoc is ALWAYS responsible?" Ed grinded his teeth and answered with his jaw clenched.

"You didn't call me short; I suppose there IS a first time for everything."

"The night is still young Fullmetal. Close the door."

The report went underway as usual; Mustang dry-swallowed an ibuprofen before he allowed Ed to explain the damage claim he received just prior to his arrival. He went on to lecture his subordinate on how missions are to be carried out; swiftly, and with NO collateral damage. The punk always seemed to have an excuse for every little detail. The crazed lunatic forced him to take this action, and that asshole made him take another. It was quite a story. Roy had enough of his excuses and chose to push his buttons a tad. And what came out of Ed's mouth was something he wouldn't soon forget.

"Oh bite me, you BAST-ard!" Ed squeaked. He slapped his hands to his mouth, but it was too late. It happened, and Mustang heard it. Roy's jaw dropped and so did his pen. A dead silence filled the office. Ed refused to remove his hands, lest more squeaks escape. He just wanted to leap out the window and crash into the concrete below. Ed's entire face turned beet-red. Roy slowly rolled out of his chair and on to the floor, howling with laughter. Few things were more humiliating than this. The other 'things' were with people he trusted. This? No. God, not Mustang of all people! Ed leapt off the couch and burst out of the office. Everyone in the office had seen the boy storm out of the office before, but they never heard Roy shriek in laughter like this. Hawkeye shot up and stormed into Roy's office, slamming the doors behind her.

"What did you do, Colonel Mustang?" she demanded. She had him against the wall with a gun in his face. Roy kept giggling despite himself.

"N-N-Nothing!" he managed to get out through his laughter. She pulled back the hammer and fired a round into his chair where his head usually is. Mustang got the message and shut up immediately. He tried very carefully to explain what happened without bursting into laughter again. Once he finished, a fire lit behind her eyes and she fired four more rounds into Roy's headrest.

"Are you telling me that that boy cracks his voice and you react by laughing at him? Are you insane? Do you have no soul? You're a monster!" She released her death grip on her superior and walks to his desk, grabs a book, and storms out. Roy noticed that she took something and furiously checked to see what it was. About an hour of searching, he finally realized what it was she took.

"Oh, god. No, not that!"

Hawkeye frantically searched every possible road Ed might have taken as he fled from Headquarters. She finally caught a glimpse of a red coat going down an alley. She drove by slowly and saw that he took shelter next to a dumpster. She pulled over and left her car idle. She grabbed her umbrella to shelter herself from the torrent of rain that started. She watched him for a second and took in the pitiful sight. He was sitting with his head in his folded arms. She was not about to let him catch a cold in this weather, so she casually walked over and held the umbrella over his blond (1) head.

"Ed, are you alright?" He turned from her and furiously wiped his eyes on the back of his hand.

"Yeah, just tired." He replied, voice broken from old tears. Her cold heart melted in an instant and mother mode kicked in. She held his shoulders and slowly lifted him up.

"Don't worry about him Ed. Let's go."

"I'm not going back." She gave his shoulders a gentle squeeze and led him to the car.

"We're not. I don't want to go back either. Let's play hooky today. Hungry?" He hesitated, but nodded.

She brought him back to her flat and made him some soup. He gently sipped it, wanting to look as polite as he could for the lieutenant. (2) She finished her own soup and slid her chair closer to the boy.

"You didn't deserve that, Edward. The way the Colonel reacted was just cruel." Ed was a bit uncomfortable talking about this to a woman, considering she never had a drastic voice change. He did like talking to the lieutenant; she always seemed to know what she was talking about.

"I hate him. I need to get him back." Ed said coldly into his reflection in the soup. Hawkeye chuckled darkly.

"I was hoping you'd say that. I want you to see this." She pulled a dark blue book from her bag and handed it to Ed.

"Page one-thirty-one."

Ed flipped through it and discovered that it was a high school yearbook. He found page 131 and didn't really notice anything until he saw a name that stood out to him. He took another look and almost pissed his pants laughing so hard.

, M. Hughes getting ready for the chess tournament.

He saw a young man that was the spitting image of the modern Hughes, and a short, plump, pimply boy smiling the dorkiest smile he could muster. After both Hawkeye and Ed had finished laughing, she placed her hand on his shoulder and whispered to him.

"Roy grew up once too, Edward. He had no right to make fun of you. If he tries to poke fun at you again, you've got this secret weapon."

Roy rang Hawkeye's doorbell furiously hoping to God that she was there. Her door opened, but it was Ed who answered. He scowled at his boss, but let him speak.

"Fullmetal…listen, I'm sorry. You didn't need that. I won't do that again. You need sleep, so take the week off." Ed's face softened after a moment as he pushed his way out the door.

"I'm already over it. See you next week."

Roy was left awestruck. He was surprised at how easily he got over it. He looked up and saw the lieutenant standing in the doorway.

"Ah, lieutenant. I'm really sorry. I already apologized to the kid, and he took it pretty well. He didn't mope for too long, did he? Oh, where's my yearbook?"

"No, he's a strong boy. He'll make it. As far as your book, I believe he took it to make copies."

Author's Note: (1): Boys have BLOND hair, girls have BLOND(E) Hair. People tend to confuse that.

(2): the next chapter will be about Ed's Hormone-driven attraction to Riza, so enjoy that!