"Oh, what the fuck?" Ed moaned to himself. He stepped out of the shower and saw that even more hairs were protruding from his 'regions.' There were no other hairs on his body, just there. He stood there and looked down at himself and curiously pulled on some. They had shown up without any real warning. As he thought back, he may have noticed some peach-fuzz there, but he only noticed them when they became…well…noticeable. Yesterday, as he was zipping up his pants, some got caught in his zipper and they were ripped out forcibly. He yelped in pain and of course Alphonse had to come to the rescue.

"Brother, are you okay?"

"Ow! Uh, yeah, I just stubbed my toe on the bed." He answered through clenched teeth.

Enough was enough.

He went into his drawer and grabbed the razor Breda had given to him as a gag gift the year before. He looked at the four sharp blades hesitantly. No one had taught him to shave before, face or otherwise. He took a guess and simply wet the blade in the sink before letting the razor skim across his area. A couple nicks and cuts later, every one of those black, knotted bastards were gone. Satisfied, he dressed himself and walked down to headquarters where Mustang had another mission for him. He had asked his brother if he wanted to join him, but he declined. Ed was confused until he heard a quiet mewing from within his brother's armor. Hear no evil, see no evil…I'll deal with it later.

Ed was walking down the sidewalk griping to himself as usual, when he felt his 'region' suddenly get hot. He paid little attention to it until several minutes later, it started itching. Ed tried desperately to adjust himself without actually reaching his hand down there and grossing out everyone he passed. Why hadn't he listened to Hughes and tossed the leather pants from hell? Headquarters couldn't come any sooner. He raced into the nearest bathroom, locked it, and dropped his pants. What he saw made his jaw drop. His entire pubic area was red and had itchy bumps all over it. He moaned in disgust just before a knock came at the door.

"Edward Elric, this is a multi-person restroom! If you required privacy, you could have very well locked the stall door!" Major Armstong's voice rang through the door. Ed grimaced and hiked his pants back up, but left the belt off. He would have to keep his hands in his pockets to keep them from falling down, but at least it kept the chaffing at bay. He unlatched the door and Alex came bursting in the room and raced to relieve himself at the urinal. As the man's back was turned to him, Ed took the opportunity to physically scratch at himself. He sighed inaudibly at the relief, but looked back to see that the mirror allowed the major to see exactly what the boy just did. Ed blushed in embarrassment and quickly left the restroom. He limped down the hallway just as the major suddenly wound up in front of him… Again.

"Edward Elric, are you feeling quite alright?" Ed avoided the major's gaze.

"I just had an itch…no need to get worked up about it…"

"No son, limping could be serious. Luckily for you, the Armstong family has passed down the art of medical diagnosis for generations! From what I saw in the restroom, you have a rash that could be infected!" he declared rather loudly in the busy hallway. Ed shushed him and admitted that he may be right, but it was just a rash and it would go away eventually.

"Unacceptable, Edward! Rashes could be infected and spread! I insist that I escort you to a doctor!"

"No…way."

The major grabbed Ed by the arm and dragged him to the Colonel's office. Everyone was amused by the sight of Ed kicking and screaming behind Alex. Ed received an envelope containing his latest mission before the burly man dragged him out again and to the infirmary.

Alex burst through the door to the infirmary like all doors he had come across and announced their presence. The chief medic greeted them as she lit up a cigarette.

"What seems to be the problem, Major? Other than the small child that you have fused to your hip."

"I AM NOT SMALL!" Ed bellowed at the woman, who only smirked a very Colonel-ish smirk.

"The boy has a very serious rash that may be spreading. I brought him here as soon as possible, Sir!"

The other patients sniggered at Ed who now wished that Hawkeye had shot him years ago. The medic brought Ed to a vacant cubicle and asked Ed to show him the rash. Ed's blush intensified now that a woman just asked him to expose himself to her. He looked away as he undid his zipper.

"Oh…wow…That razor burn looks uncomfortable to say the least." Ed wanted to give her a smart-assed remark, but was too mortified to do so.

" Fullmetal, I have to say that I've only ever seem this on poorly-groomed pets." She said as she removed a Band-aid that Ed stuck on himself. He yelped in pain at the unexpected removal. She threw out the band-aid and rolled away to her drawer. Smoke escaped her nose as she discovered what she was looking for. She rolled back to him and thrust a can into his hand.

"This is shaving cream. Use it next time you feel that you need to shave your pubes. And this here is some ointment with Aloe in it. Apply it liberally…very liberally until it goes away." She rolled away to her other patients as Alex entered the cubical while Ed was still had his pants off. Ed ripped them up as fast as he could before Alex saw everything.

"What did she say, Edward? Are your alright?"

"Pfft. Yes! I told you it was nothing to worry about…"

"Don't lie to me, son. Armstrong's have a knack for detecting lies."

"Fine…if you must know….I forgot to use…shaving cream…for…you know…" He said waiting for sweet, sweet death.

"Edward Elric, are you telling me that you got razor burn from trying to shave your pub-"

"Will you shut up?" Edward hissed. Alex let out a chuckle and sat next to the boy on the bed.

"Son, Pubic hair is not only absolutely normal, but it is a sign of MANHOOD! I am extremely proud of the hair above my pair! As you should be!"

Ed ran out of the room with his hands over his ears, lest the Major show off his "Mane."