A/N: Hello everybody! How are you doing? Well, let's see what I have to say today...
- Let's start with Darren and his sparkly party shoes at the VMAs, haha! Did you like them? And what about his fingernails? You know, 'sometimes it's just time for purple'.
- Then, I want to let you know that I wrote another story called 'Playtime', it's about Darren in kindergarten. It's completely different from other stories I've written, and if you want you can read it, if not, well, not.
-Now, my mind has like flied away from my body because I'm super tired, if that even makes sense; therefore I'm out of words and you may find some typos and nonsense replies. Nonetheless, I will answer the reviews. And I will start right now...
alicegursk: Holy Tumblr art? Was it a holy Tumblr art? It was a holy Tumblr art! Ah! I feel so happy right now. If you already read this, you can notice I'm in a silly mood right now, totally stupid mood; like you can call me idiot if you want. Do I write perfectly? Ah, no I don't, but thank you! You will make me blush and that's hard to get, you know? Why don't you trust the old lady! Reasons? I know exactly what you meant with 'that person I suspected is becoming more and more weird and strange', but there's a little thing... Who is the person? Who? Who? Is it Jim? Or Darren? Or Freckles? Or Brian? Is male or female? You gotta give me a clue! If you don't give me a good clue, I won't make Freckles and Darren get together again! Everyone and everything is precious! Even pigs farting are precious?
Zahra Ayoub: You're very welcome, Zahra! I'm glad to know you could read those texts and I'm glad they were, somehow, helpful! Anyway, you don't have to thank me; I hope you're feeling better now, for real! :) Thanks for thinking I'm an amazing person, I'm just trying to become a good person, like I'm still trying to find the way to give others good things of me because that feels nice. So it means a lot what you said! I'm sure you'll miss him, but missing someone is not something bad, it's something natural; well, at least that's the conclusion I came after years. Like you said, he's now in a really good place where he wouldn't be sick and tired anymore, where he can be in peace. You're right, it'd have been really hard if it happened when you were a little girl; because you could spend time with him, so I'm pretty sure you're full of beautiful memories. Now, about the chapter... It's interesting your supposition that Jim maybe went to a mental hospital and there he met Brian's mom; I wouldn't discard it. Yes, I agree, Brian deserves happiness but maybe it won't happen so soon; there are still some pending issues. Yes, I don't want Darren to feel hurt, that would make me sad, but well, things happen, but he will find someone and it'll be something nice for him. Oh, trust me, love is really complicated and, as contradictory as it might sound, it is one of the most beautiful experiences. I won't deny that, inevitably, there's suffering for different reasons, there are crisis and there are disputes... But you know, if two people really love each other, they will always find a way to make it work, even if it takes a long; and finding that way after the hard time is one of the most beautiful experiences; it makes your bond stronger. It happened to me, though right now I'm in a little 'crisis' moment. Don't be afraid of trying it someday, it'll be wonderful.
MeMi83: Yes, the woman had something to do with W! And there will be more interesting things about her, only that you'll read them in a future chapter! I wanted to make that scene a little bit tense, so it'd be more interesting; I must admit I missed writing things like that! Twists maybe will keep appearing. Ha! Freckles confessed her feelings, but the poor girl is a little confused. I think I am complicating the storyline way too much; it's harder to write it now! There was always a reason why Brian acts that way, and maybe there are more reasons. Your release is acting? That's amazing and I completely understood what you meant due to the fact I attended drama classes for 5 years, but last year I had to give it up because it was being really complicated with college, now I only go certain days and not always. Acting is really amazing and you described it perfectly. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Sending warm fuzzies, happiness and positivity your way as well, Memi!
nicole: 'Oh my goodness gracionious' I loved this expression! I did name the colorful talking fish that can survive out of water! It is called Mr. Tangerine Merfish; you know, half fish, half mermaid; I thought that it could look like a mermaid, kinda, sort of... and tangerine because, I don't know I like the word tangerine. We are having some arguments, because Mr. Tangerine Merfish wouldn't stop talking and likes to talk at night; yet we're already friends, very good friends! It can also sing! Can you believe it? Ah! Why didn't think about Brian fainting, that would have been interesting. I'll add 'make someone faint' to the things I have to include in the story; I think I didn't make anyone faint so far. I would never make someone shoot Darren! Or maybe yes... I don't know! I just wanted to make you think that something super terrible would happen. Now, less than three you, Nicole! Hugs and butterfly kisses for you my son-reviewer draco-nicole!
PotterHead62: Aw, trust me! I'm starting to miss way too much when Darren and Freckles were together! But they eventually will get together, after several things, and I'll try to make it even better than in high school! Like, other things will happen between them and I already have it planned... on my mind. So, meanwhile, I hope you enjoy the 'in between' chapters!
Vcriss: Aw, you will find out in this chapter how he feels. When will Darren and Freckles get back together? I haven't written it yet, so I really don't know the exact chapter... But maybe I could say it's on chapter 65... But things will happen between them before they officially get back together... Maybe flirting, jealousy and sweet moments. You have no idea how Darren will feel when he starts to suspect about Brian and Freckles' relationship, it'll be interesting, maybe. Mmm, I think Freckles is confused, but she... She really didn't pick Brian. And damn! I agree! Darren is so sexy! A sexy beast would be accurate. Aww Lea's speech made me cry as well, it was just very moving and so soulful. And Darren twerking was hot, funny and hot... Like... sorry, but his ass... Ah. He'll kill me someday, I know, I just know it.
Emma: Hi Emma! Oh my god, yes! I had to bring W back! There were some pending things, and maybe things you'll never imagine! I just wanted to make some kind of plot twist, like I wanted to add a little bit more of action or suspense. Don't be angry! haha. Yes, it's supposed Freckles is really smart, but maybe she is not smart at all when it comes to feelings or things like those. The worst is that she will keep being stupid and she will not realize any soon that Brian is totally in love with her. Now, I hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope that your training for college is going really well! It'll soon be your audition, right?
vicky: Yes, you really do have great ideas; though I must tell you that some kind of bad things will happen before they become a couple. And what will Darren think? He'll go through different stages, both good and bad stages; you'll see. I think that will make everything a bit interesting. Well, then you're good at convincing me! And I'm a person (I think) and you convinced me. Maybe you don't know it yet! Ah! Marnie... There will be more things about her and you'll see in this chapter how Brian will react! Jim... Also, there are things, things that nobody knows yet. I like plot twists, that's all! You finally got Freckles saying 'I love you' to Brian, bad thing she misinterpreted Brian's answer and feelings! I really liked the quote you wrote; it left me thinking. It can be applied in so many aspects of life! I'll add it to my list of quotes. There will be more chapters in which I'll write about deeper conversations, I already wrote one of them and I hope you like it! And thank you a lot for wishing me happy anniversary! It is crazy for me; I still cannot believe it's been more than a year! Imagine if I get to make it two years!
AmritSoomal: Why do you always do that? Oh, Blaine! haha. I guess I'm Mr. Schue. Damn, I turned into a man! Well, and you turned into a boy, Blaine! Where's Kurt? Am I going to be the death of you? What if I'm a Deathly Hallow? 'Snake, I'm a snake. Oh where did my arms go? Just kidding I'm a snake'. You're very welcome! I can sing for you whenever you want, if you think you can survive! I hope you had a super-amazing birthday, despite the wedding! Joey's hook up was a blue headband, and he will dye his hair, he'll be ginger and he and his headband will live happily ever after! Freckles and Darren will get married and they'll have eggs instead of babies, and Darren will suck each one of his eggs; they will be called 'The Criss-Egg family'. Now, I'll definitely watch the new X-Men movie, and then I'll tell you what I think about it! A guy totally had a crush on you, oh my god! Why didn't he do anything? He should have talked to you, or asked you your number, or something! Maybe when you laughed he thought he has no chances, poor guy! Am I a freak? Am I a fucking freak? Well, maybe a little... I must admit that it didn't taste good; I won't ever mix them again. But a bowl of strawberry jelly! That's delicious and it's been a while since the last time I ate it, so tummy is happy. Darren twerking was one of the hottest things I've ever seen; I didn't want him to stop! And the ring! You have no idea how loud I squealed! I really want to see the wedding episode right now. The purple suit, the purple nails and the sparkly party shoes... I adore him. The asshole always makes me love him more and more. Oh, you're talking about the 'and now for a series of tweets...', the asshole didn't tweet until three hours later. Sometimes I want to punch his face; this love-hate over him is just... You know.
-Well guys! That was all for today! Thank you very much for all of your reviews and for reading this story! Also, thanks for all those people who have favorited the story or who are now following it! Now I need to hit the sack! I hope you enjoy the new chapter and I wish you an incredible week full of 'All you need is love'. Warm fuzzies!
Teenage Dream – Chapter 54 – Disappointment and neglect.
Brian was trembling, he was feeling flurried and he was very pale. You were feeling very guilty because somehow this was your fault; you brought him here without telling him why you were here, you even lied to him. And you knew this was shocking for him; he was seeing his mother, a woman who abandoned him when he was a little kid and who brought him so many emotional troubles, which some of them was still trying to heal, after 12 years. But mostly, he thought his mother was dead, so this was disturbing. You should have explained him before coming here. There was an abysmal silence, the kind of awkward silences; Brian's mother was looking at him, Brian was looking at his mother and Darren and you were looking at both of them. Brian's mother stepped closer to Brian with teary eyes because of the thrill. Brian, instead, stepped back in shock, still holding your hand and without taking his eyes off his mother. Brian's mother walked closer to him and she placed a hand on Brian's shoulder; but Brian shivered and jerked, stepping back and moving his shoulder away from his mother. He started trembling even more and his hand was sweating. When Brian's mother attempted to walk closer to him again, Brian hid behind you as if he was that little boy of 8 years old who was feeling really scared and was seeking for protection; yet he was still holding your hand. Brian's mother looked at you and then she looked at her son; you weren't going to move from where you were, if Brian wanted to hide behind you, you were going to let him doing so.
"Brian, it's me." Brian's mother finally spoke. Brian trembled and got strained when he heard her voice. "I'm your mother." Brian's mother said softly, looking at his son.
You couldn't see Brian's face because he was still behind you; but you felt tears on your shoulder, so you turned your face to look at him. He was shedding tears in silence, still with the disturbed face, looking fixedly at his mother, very pale and in shock. You squeezed his hand softly, as a way to reassure him; of course it didn't work. Brian wasn't saying anything at all, he wasn't making any kind of sound; he was so silent that anybody could think he wasn't even breathing. This wasn't a good sign. You didn't know what Brian wanted, if he wanted to stay or if he wanted to leave. Whatever he wanted to do, you were going to do what he wanted; Darren would have to forgive you, but you couldn't keep Brian there if he didn't want; this was already too much for him. Brian's mother stepped closer, she was right in front of you and you wouldn't stop staring her eyes; those were Brian's eyes, it was impressive. She tried to place a hand on Brian's shoulder; but Brian gasped, shrank and flinched. He was really frightened and vulnerable. You've never seen Brian like this, you've never seen Brian startled and scared; he was acting in a very odd way and it was understandable. He was now gasping and making weird sounds, he was breathing hard and he wouldn't stop shaking. He was clinging on your hand very strongly, as though holding your hand was the only way he could feel safe. You glanced furtively at Darren; he was looking down, uncomfortable, very silent; he was surely feeling as guilty as you were.
"Brian, please, talk to me. Can't you recognize me?" His mother asked distressed.
"You're not real." Brian finally spoke with trembling voice. You looked at him, he was aghast. Brian's mother frowned slightly and kept looking at him distressed. "You're dead, I saw your grave. You're dead, you're not real. This is in my mind, you're not real." Brian said disturbed and flurried, gasping and shaking. "Can you see her? Sunny, can you see her?" Brian asked agitated, looking at you very disconcerted.
"Yes, I can." You answered very softly, to try to reassure him. Brian started to shed tears of fear again.
"What is happening? Who are you?" Brian asked exasperated and altered, still wheezing, looking at his mother.
"I'm your mother, Brian." She replied, looking deeply into Brian's eyes. Brian started shaking his head very deranged while still trembling and gasping.
"You're not my mother, my mother is dead! My mother is dead, she's dead, she's dead." Brian started exclaiming loudly and at the end his voice became fainter until it ended as a whisper.
He was really distraught, now looking down, with his eyes pop-eyed. You looked at him very afflicted; this was being really disturbing for him and he was panicking. He was so distraught that he looked as if he were crazy.
"It's a long story. Please, calm down and let's talk about this. You have to believe that I'm your mother, boogersnot." Brian's mother said softly and afflicted. Brian looked abruptly up at her, open-eyed and puzzled.
"Do not call me like that! Don't you dare to call me like that again! Who are you? Who do you think you are to call me like that?" Brian yelled scrambled, shuddering. He was squeezing your hand so strongly that it was hurting you.
"Brian, please, calm down." Brian's mother said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. He moved rudely her hand away; he let out your hand and moved back.
"Do not touch me!" Brian yelled disgruntled and perturbed.
He was out of himself, he totally lost it. Brian's mother looked down and started crying, but Brian didn't do anything at all when he saw this; he was still very flurried. This was a very uncomfortable situation and the abysmal silence returned; the only you could hear were the gasps of Brian and the crying of his mother. Then Brian looked at Darren in the same flurried way. Darren looked at him very gingerly, apparently uncomfortable and maybe a bit scared.
"Did you know about this?" Brian asked in a yell.
Darren looked down, bit his lip and didn't answer anything. Brian waited for a long time for Darren's response, but Darren wasn't going to answer and when Brian noticed this, he looked deeply into your eyes. You, suddenly, felt very nervous and anguished. You knew he was going to ask you the same and you couldn't keep lying.
"And you, Sunny? Did you know about this?" Brian asked softening his voice, but still very disturbed.
You looked at him with tears in your eyes because you knew Brian was going to get mad at you and you didn't want it. You were feeling very guilty and if you answered, Brian would feel somehow betrayed, because that is what you actually have done. Brian remained looking into your eyes, expectant to hear your answer. You couldn't lie to him, not again.
"Yes, I did know." You finally answered with cracked voice.
He didn't get mad at you as you expected, but it was even worse. His usual bright green eyes which used to look at you in an affectionate way were now looking at you in disappointment; his green eyes turned into hurt eyes, there was no twinkle in his eyes. He remained looking at you this way for a long time, well, at least for you it seemed an eternity and this was breaking your heart. He has never looked at you in that way and it was heartrending. He slowly looked down in a very despondent way and you saw big tears running down his face. You knew that Brian's mother and Darren were looking fixedly at you, but you didn't care; you only cared about Brian. You were feeling extremely bad, as though you were a terrible and awful person. You slowly walked to Brian and you attempted to take his hand, but he moved it abruptly, still looking down and shedding those big tears. This made you feel even worse because Brian has never ever moved his hand away whenever you tried to take it. You pursed your lips and frowned to try to hold back your tears. Anyway you attempted to take his hand again, and when you slightly touched his hand, he stepped back very quickly and he finally looked up with tears in his green eyes.
"Do not touch me!" Brian yelled with chocked voice, still looking at you in disappointment. You looked at him very hurt and guilty and you couldn't hold back your tears any longer. "I don't want you to touch me. I don't want you to be with me, I want to be alone, I don't wanna be near you." Brian said with cracked voice while still shedding tears and you sobbed even harder when you heard Brian saying this to you for the very first time.
Brian glanced at you in disappointment one more time and then he turned around to leave. He walked to Darren's door, opened it and you automatically followed him. You didn't want him to leave that way, and if he wanted to leave, you wanted to go with him. But when Brian noticed you were following him, he turned his face and looked straight in your eye.
"Stay away from me!" He yelled exasperated and he left, banging the door behind him.
You remained there in shock by the way he yelled telling you he wanted you to be away from him. You felt really bad about this because Brian was never rude with you, he never told you things like those and he never yelled at you; this only meant that things were screwed and you didn't want it. Damn, you were so repentant. You covered your face and you sobbed because of this.
"Thank you, sweetheart, for what you've done." You heard Brian's mother's voice saying. You uncovered your face and you looked at that woman with tears in your eyes.
"I've done nothing for you. If I've ever done something it was because of Brian and not because of you." You said coldly.
Because actually she was the main guilty, because she was the one who forced Darren and thanks to her Darren had to force you to bring Brian here, and thanks to her Brian was now disappointed in you. You didn't care you sounded disrespectful; you were feeling upset because of her and sad because of Brian. Darren walked to you and he placed a hand on your shoulder to squeeze it gently and reassure you. He looked sadly into your eyes.
"I'm sorry, Freckles. I never thought it could be like this, I'm sorry." Darren whispered in a regretful way.
You didn't answer and, instead, you remained looking into his eyes, still with tears in your eyes. After a while, you looked away and wiped your tears away, taking a deep breathe to calm down. Apparently Darren felt bad because you didn't answer him and you looked away; but right now you couldn't think about it, because you were worried about Brian. He wasn't doing well, he was very distraught and flurried, and he was walking out there alone. You needed to find him; he couldn't be alone; even if he said he didn't want to be near you, you had to be with him. You glanced at Brian's mother in a rage and then you looked at Darren and, without saying anything at all, you turned around and left Darren's apartment.
"Freckles!" You heard Darren's voice yelling, but you didn't stop.
You didn't even think about texting Brian because you couldn't even think. You just started running with no direction in particular. Brian couldn't have gone so far, but you weren't finding him. You were really nervous and everything seemed to be blurry because of this nervousness; you barely could pay attention to other people walking down street; you were only focused on finding that tall and muscular guy with straight hair and green eyes. You ran for minutes on end, without finding him. You stopped to recover your breathing and to clear your mind and think clearly; you needed to stop to really think where he could be and not waste your time running to nowhere in particular. You were now in Forest Ave and Washtenaw Ave. Where could Brian have gone? It needed to be to a place near here, where he could be quiet and alone to think about what recently happened. Nichols Arboretum. You ran directly to there, even if that wasn't the place where he was. When you crossed the road, you shivered in fear because a car almost hit you and honked because you weren't supposed to cross; and a lot of people tried to stop you and ask you if you were alright, but you didn't have time for that. You were so flurried that you didn't even think about it, you just ran to the Nichols Arboretum. Once you arrived there you felt frustrated because that place was huge. You were in the Washington Hts. Entrance, near the Peony Garden. You entered and walked 0.30 miles until you arrived to Heathdale, a place with a scenic overlook. You were already very tired and you didn't find Brian there. You sat on a bench to rest, feeling very frustrated and sad because you couldn't find him. You pulled out your phone to text him.
To Brian: Please, Brian, tell me where you are.
You waited for Brian's response; he always replied back your text messages, but you hardly thought he would answer you now. You waited for several minutes, knowing he wasn't going to text you back. You really thought he could be here, but it seemed you were wrong; wrong as all you've done today so far. You were checking your phone every second to see if Brian texted you back or not. You decided to call him, knowing he wasn't going to pick up the call. Of course he didn't, but you called him one more time and this time you heard his ringtone. Your heart skipped a beat when you heard it, he was somewhere here; you started looking around but you couldn't see him. He hung up the call so you couldn't hear anymore his ringtone. You stood up and called him again to hear his ringtone and find him that way. His ringtone started to sound again and you were walking right in the direction you heard the sound; Brian hung up again and you called him again. You weren't going to stop calling him until you could find him. But when you called him for the fourth time, you figured out he turned off his phone; but at least you knew he was near, so you kept walking until you saw the sleeve of his green and white striped sweater popping out from a tree. You knew it was him because the cuff on one sleeve of his sweater was unraveled at the seam; and when you walked closer you saw his faded and shabby sneakers. He couldn't see you because he was leaning against a tree and you were behind him. You silently walked to him and without saying anything, you sat next to him. He startled when he noticed someone sat next to him. When he noticed it was you, he looked away, but you could notice he was crying. You didn't say anything; you just remained looking at him sadly. He was leaning against the tree, with his legs bended and wrapping his arms around his legs, still looking away and crying silently. It was really heartbreaking to see him so vulnerable as though he was the little boy of 8 years old; because he looked like that; surely he was like this when he was 8 and his mother abandoned him.
"Brian, I'm so sorry." You said almost in a whisper, very repentant.
Brian didn't answer and he wiped away his tears, still looking away. His silence was heartrending; because every time you apologized to him, he used to forgive you right away; now he wasn't uttering a single word. You moved closer to him and you placed a hand on his knee, but he quickly moved away and shrank, huddling to himself. This gesture made you feel terribly pained.
"Don't touch me." Brian said gloomy, avoiding your gaze.
"Brian, I'm so sorry. Please, don't be like this." You said distressed looking at him.
"Don't be like what? How do you expect me to be, eh?" Brian said with cracked voice, still looking away.
"Just look at me, Brian, don't push me away, please." You said distressed, trying to hold back your tears.
Brian turned his face and he finally looked into your eyes; yet he remained huddling to himself, not wanting you to get closer. You could see again his green teary eyes in disappointment. Of all the looks in the world, the one of disappointment was the worse. You'd have preferred him to be mad at you than him to be disappointed in you. And the bad thing was that you didn't know what to do now; because whenever you wanted to apologize to him, he was always willing to forgive you; and the ways you used to apologize to him weren't working now; because before he always let you hold his hand or place a hand on his shoulder, he let you talk and he never made you feel uncomfortable and out of words. You got used at him being nicer with you than he should that now, when he was in his right not to act nice because you hurt him; you were feeling terrible. For the first time you were having serious troubles to apologize to Brian; mostly because you couldn't endure to see his disappointed look and less after you promised not to ever disappoint him.
"I trusted you." Brian said with cracked voice and the same disappointed look, with eyes full of tears. You looked down because you couldn't stand to see him looking at you that way. "You were the one and only person I trusted. I told you everything; I told you things I've never told anyone, because I trusted you." Brian said with choked voice and you remained looking down.
"I'm so sorry." You said with cracked voice as tears started to fall down your face.
"I was scared to open myself up; to tell someone my deepest feelings. But I decided to put aside that fear only for you; because I love you and I trusted you. If I told you the things I've been keeping back for years, it was only because I decided to take the risk of opening myself up with someone I trusted with all my being. I thought it was time to open myself up with the person I trusted and loved the most; so I took the risk with you and it was hard, but I was glad I did it with you because I was sure you would never disappoint me. But you did." Brian said with choked voice.
You were now sobbing even more. His words were piercing your heart; and he wasn't even saying that in a rude way as you deserved; he was saying that in a soft way but very disappointed way and that was the worst.
"Something inside me was telling me that I should not tell anybody my deepest feelings because all the times in my life I did it, something ended up in a bad way. But I thought with you it was going to be different; because you were special to me and I felt I was special to you. But it wasn't any different, was it?" Brian said with cracked voice and you could sense he was crying; so you definitely couldn't look at him because it was going to break your heart even more. "After 12 years of keeping back everything inside me, I decided to confide blindly in you. And is this what I got for fully trust someone to tell all the things I've never told anyone?"
"I'm sorry, Brian." You whispered very anguished, covering your face with your hands while still weeping.
"You knew everything of what happened with me and my mother. You knew it all because I've told you absolutely everything. You knew what happened, you knew how I felt and you knew how it affected me; because I showed you my deepest and darkest secrets. You knew that I have never got to heal the wound that my mother's abandonment and supposed death caused me." Brian said also weeping in a heartbreaking way; even if you weren't looking at him, you knew he was crying. "You knew it and yet it wasn't an impediment for you to take me to Darren's apartment, in which you knew my mother, was. You knew how I've been feeling all these years and yet you lied to me and you took me to Darren's apartment without mentioning that my mother, who I thought was dead, was there. You, the person I love most, lied to me, betrayed my trust, and haven't even thought about my feelings. How could you have done this to me?" Brian said with choked and heavy voice.
When you looked up, you found Brian looking into your eyes, crying heartbreakingly, placing his hands on his heart. He was heartbroken and this was your fault. You felt even worse, even if it seemed impossible; so you sobbed harder. And you knew he was completely right, every single thing he said was right. You couldn't believe you were the one who broke his heart; you couldn't believe you were capable of doing this to your best friend, one of the people you loved most. You've hurt him despite you promised not to ever do it.
"Brian, I'm so sorry. I swear my intentions were never to hurt you. I don't even know why I've done it, your mother forced Darren and Darren forced me to take you to his apartment. I knew you wouldn't have come if I had told you the reasons why we were going to Darren's apartment." You said in between tears.
"What? So for you all of that was more important than the way I could feel for this? Are you really telling me that?" Brian asked looking at you in a very hurt way.
Again, he didn't say it in a rude way; he said it in a disappointed way. Brian panted and looked away, still crying when he noticed you couldn't answer him. Any kind of explanation you had for this was now senseless because nothing could explain such terrible thing you've done to him.
"No, Brian, it's not like that. I do care about you and I hate myself right now for making you feel in this horrible way; I just... What I did was wrong, I know it; but I swear I never intended to do you wrong. Please, Brian, believe me. I swear I won't do it again, please." You begged desperately, looking at him distressed.
"I really wish I could say I believe you; but I can't. I'm so sorry, but I can't. This hurts, because I used to trust you so much and I really want to keep trusting you, but I can't." Brian said with choked voice, pursing his lips and looking down while shedding tears.
"Brian, I beg you, forgive me." You said sobbing disconsolately. Brian looked into your eyes with that disappointed and sorrowful look.
"Sunny, I've always done what you ever wanted, I've always given you what you ever needed, I've always forgiven you when you ever apologized; all of that because you are that special person I love most. I've never wanted to get anything in return; but I've never thought you could do this to me. I wish I could keep doing what you want, I wish I could keep giving you all you need, and mostly, I wish I could keep forgiving you for any reason. And this hurts me a lot to say, but I can't forgive you this time." Brian said with choked voice and you looked at him very distressed, without being able to hold back your tears.
"Brian, please!" You sobbed looking at him exasperatedly. "I'm so sorry for having taken you to Darren's apartment without saying anything about your mother. I'm so sorry, Brian; please, forgive me." You begged with tears in your eyes and Brian looked into your eyes in a very anguished way, still disappointed.
"You know, Sunny? I'm not a heartless person who wouldn't forgive you for something like that." Brian said softly still looking into your eyes with that anguished look; he was frowning slightly and he still had tears in his eyes. "So, it's not because you took me to Darren's apartment without saying my mother was there; because if it had been only that, I'd have forgiven you, because somehow it's something reversible and I'm always willing to forgive you. But this time I can't forgive you because of all the things and, mostly, feelings implicit in the whole thing; because when the person you love most hurts your deepest feelings like this, it's hard to forgive. I'd love to be able to forgive you, but it'd be a lie and I don't wanna lie to you." Brian explained with choked voice, still looking deeply into your eyes in that afflicted way as you wouldn't stop crying, feeling how everything was going wrong and you were desperate because you didn't know what to do. "I was trying to heal a wound since 12 years and you hurt that wound again, and this is the last thing I expected from the person I love most; so this time I can't forgive you. I'm sorry, Sunny." Brian said crying heartbreakingly.
You didn't know what to do or what to say because you were feeling so terrible that you couldn't think. Brian, after a while, wiped his tears away and he stood up. You looked at him with tears in your eyes, feeling very stricken. Brian was about to leave, but before leaving, he looked straight in your eye. You could see his green eyes looking at you in a very different way; you knew something had changed since that moment; his eyes weren't looking at you in the same lovingly way as always and maybe they weren't going to look at you in that way again. His beautiful green eyes didn't have the same brightness as always and the special twinkle you used to notice in his eyes lately, wasn't there anymore; now his eyes were dull, sad, gloomy, disappointed and you could swear they looked like empty. He looked down and turned around to start walking away from you. You couldn't stop crying and seeing the figure of Brian disappearing of your sight. Your heart sank when you realized that maybe this meant that you've just lost your best friend, that special person to you who meant everything to you because he was your biggest support. Brian was always the person who was always there for you, who always tried to bring you joy, who was always trying to make you smile, to make you feel good, to give you advises, to guide you, to hug you when you needed the most, to comfort you; he was everything to you and he always gave you his best without expecting anything in return. And all you've done was to hurt him in an unforgivable way; because if Brian, the nicest and most kind-hearted person you knew, wasn't able to forgive you, it was because you really screwed up everything. Now you really didn't know how to apologize, but you needed to apologize because you refused to lose the most important person to you. You just didn't know how. So you remained there, crying your heart out, alone.
"Well, this wasn't what I had in mind." I heard Marnie Clerk saying.
I was still looking at the door through which Freckles disappeared minutes ago, without saying anything at all. She surely went to look for Brian, who quickly ran away from my apartment. I never thought this could end up so badly; yes, I knew it was going to be hard; but I never thought Brian could feel so frightened, distraught, shocked and so vulnerable. Brian was always one of those strong, vigorous guys; but he acted as though he was very vulnerable as a little and fearful guy. To have seen his mother wasn't something good at all for him; I thought he wasn't going to be content at first, but I really thought it was going to work at the end. But no, he ran away and he even got mad at Freckles. He told Freckles to stay away from him; and that wasn't usual. And big part of this was my fault. Brian was mad at Freckles now because I forced her to bring Brian here without telling him anything about his mother; Freckles was surely offended with me and for that she didn't say anything at all before leaving. She had reasons to be offended with me, but I'd have never done something like that if it hadn't been because of Brian's mother; she was the one who forced me to do it all. So after I heard her saying that, I turned around to look at her a bit upset.
"And what did you have in mind? You abandoned your son and he thought you were dead because of drugs overdose. What else could you have in mind?" I asked a bit harshly. Brian's mother looked at me astonished, very surprised for what I said. "Yes, I know what you did with Brian." I said harshly and she looked at me perplexed for a long time.
"Do you know the reasons?" Marnie Clerk looked at me coldly and fixedly.
"No, I don't know; but no reason can be quite reasonable to have abandoned your own son, leaving him alone with only 8 years old, when someone needs most their mom. And not only you abandoned him when he was so little and helpless; you even made him believe you were dead. What kind of mother does that to her son?" I asked incredulous and still harshly, squinting and looking at her frowning.
"You don't know me and you don't know how my past was to judge me; and you're too young to understand certain things in life." Brian's mother answered coldly.
"I can be younger than you, Mrs. Clerk; but I'm not too young not to understand that you've screwed up things with your son, who certainly didn't deserve to go through the shit you made him to go through." I answered rudely, feeling really upset. I didn't care if she wanted to hurt me; she made me screw things with Freckles and Brian and I wasn't going to forgive that. "You made your son suffer since you abandoned him. Why are you back? What are your intentions, Mrs. Clerk?" I asked suspiciously.
"Why should I tell you my intentions?" Mrs. Clerk asked looking fixedly into my eyes.
"Oh, because you're at my apartment, because I'm the one who allowed you to see your son again; and, mostly, because you came here to mess up things between me and my friends. I deserve an explanation, otherwise I'll call the police and I'm pretty sure you don't want that because surely you're escaping from law because... what's doing here a woman who is dead in the eyes of justice?" I asked very vulgarly.
I felt as though I were a nasty person playing in hazardous territory; but I needed to know why she was back. I knew I won with my answer and question, because Mrs. Clerk was now looking at me furious but also scared; she knew I was right, she knew she had no other option than explaining me what I wanted to know.
"You aren't an innocent and naive guy, are you?" She asked still looking fixedly into my eyes.
"I'm pretty much of an innocent guy; but I've been through dark things in my past and I know exactly how a bully or a non-innocent person thinks and acts; so I know how to deal with people of that ilk." I answered with an almost cocky smile.
"Quite reasonable." Brian's mother said, raising an eyebrow and nodding. "Do you mind if I sit over here?" She asked pointing the couch and I shook my head without taking my eyes off her. She sat on the couch and pulled out from her purse a package of cigarettes. "Can I smoke here?" She asked as I was looking at her very serious. What the hell was she doing?
"Yes, you can." I replied coldly. Brian's mother lit a cigarette and started smoking in silence as I was looking fixedly at her.
"Come on, Darren, sit over here. I'll tell you the reasons why I came back, but first I need to tell you what happened in the past, so it's gonna be a long talk." Mrs. Clerk said while smoking.
I looked at her in suspicion, but I walked to her and sat on the couch next to her, always with my phone in hands, just in case she attempted to hurt me. She went back to the time when she was a teenager and met Brian's dad. She explained they were teenagers in love and they were happy together; that everything was going well even in the college time, until one day she and her family went on vacation. She told me she and her sister saw how her parents were murdered while they were hiding in a closet. She explained that was a trauma she could never overcome and since that moment, everything that was fine turned into bad. She explained how Brian's dad was always taking care of her but he could never get to make her feel as good as she was before the murder because something has changed forever. She explained she got pregnant and Brian was born, even if she didn't want it because she couldn't take care of another person, so Brian's dad had to take care of Brian by his own, until one day she realized that maybe her son would help her to forget that murder and would allow her to be fine again. She said there was a time she was doing really fine again, since Brian was 1 year old until he was 5 years old, when Brian started going to kindergarten and she was alone. When she was alone, the memory of the murder appeared again and led her to make wrong decisions she was going to regret all her life. She explained the problem with drugs addiction and how they were slowly destroying her life to a point there was no back. She explained all the arguments she and Brian's dad had because of this problem; how Brian's dad was telling her that she should stop because drugs weren't going to solve anything, because she had to overcome the murder that was in the past and she should worry about the present, of taking care of her little son. She explained that each day the disputes were worsening to a point it was hurting Brian's feelings, making him act in a way no boy his age should act. So she said she and Brian's dad agreed that she had to go away for her son's sake; and she couldn't stand seeing her son crying because she was going away until she could overcome the problem with drugs, so she left without saying goodbye to her little son. She told me she tried hard to leave the drugs to come back with her little son, but she never quite got there. Brian's mother was crying while telling me this story and I was frowning, feeling kind of disturbed because of this.
"And how do explain your supposed death?" I asked because she didn't mention anything of that. "Brian has visited your grave; he saw your name engraved on the grave."
"Well, there's an explanation for that..." Brian's mother said while looking down sadly.
She was about to tell me what happened until I heard someone knocking the door in a very rowdy and desperate way. I looked at the door and I frowned, thinking who the hell could be knocking the door that way. I looked at Brian's mother and she was also looking at the door, but she was feeling nervous; maybe she was thinking it was Brian who decided to face her. I stood up and walked to the door. When I opened it, I couldn't even see who it was because I was pulled into a tight hug. Soon I realized it was Freckles who was now crying on my chest in a very disconsolate way. I hugged her back and I started stroking her hair to reassure her. Why would she be crying this way?
"Hey, Freckles, what's wrong?" I asked softly.
"I lost him, Darren." She mourned.
"You lost who? What are you talking about?" I asked confused, still stroking reassuringly her hair.
"Brian!" She exclaimed in between tears, still burying her head on my chest. "I found him and talked to him; he won't forgive me! I lost my best friend, Darren. I lost Brian!" Freckles sobbed in a desperate way and I held her tighter, feeling this was kind of my fault.
"Hey, no, don't say that. I'm pretty sure he said that because he's shocked for what happened. When he gets to calm down, he will forgive you, Freckles. You said that, you're best friends, he will forgive you." I said softly, rubbing her back to reassure her.
"No, you don't understand. Brian always forgives me, he is always very nice to me; and this time he looked at me in a very different way, he acted in a very different way. He said this time he can't forgive me. I've made a lot of mistakes with him before, yet he always forgave me and he never looked at me the way he did now. I know I lost him, I saw it in his eyes, Darren!" Freckles said crying harder, clinging to me very tightly and trembling.
"Hey, no! Maybe you confused the way he looked at you because you were feeling bad. Freckles, I've never seen such a great friendship as the one as Brian and you have. I'm pretty sure you'll make it through. It's just a matter of time, he needs time, he needs space; but he will forgive you and everything will return to normal. You gotta believe it." I said very softly and gently, still rubbing her back.
"No, this time it's different. I've made an unforgivable mistake. Brian, the person who is always willing to forgive me everything, couldn't forgive me. You don't understand the severity of this, Darren. I can't lose my best friend, Darren; Brian means everything to me, I need him!" Freckles sobbed heartbreakingly and I felt something weird in my chest when I heard her saying Brian meant everything to her; yet, I kept rubbing her back to reassure her.
"If you need him and you really don't want to lose your best friend; then you'll find a way to be forgiven. Brian will notice it and he will forgive you. You haven't lost him, Freckles. Do not confuse lose a person to be going through a tough situation with that person. Right now, you and Brian are in that tough stage, it's only that." I said very gently, kissing her head.
"Darren, I really appreciate your wise and inspirational words; but those are for a book or a movie; this is reality. And reality is Brian walked away from me; reality is he's highly disappointed in me; and he was never like this before. How can I make someone feel less disappointed in me? How? I've screwed it up this time." Freckles said with choked voice, finally looking at me. I could see her distressed eyes in tears now and I knew she was being honest.
"I'm sorry, Freckles; I know this is kind of my fault. I just didn't think it could be like this. But I promise you that I'll make up for this and I'll tell Brian that you have nothing to do with this, that everything was entirely my fault. Then Brian will forgive you, you'll see." I said placing my hands on her cheeks, looking deeply into her eyes in a very repentant way.
Yes, maybe I was going to blow up my relationship with Brian, which was really good; but at least Freckles wouldn't lose her best friend. There were only two options: either Brian is mad at Freckles and me if I don't say anything, or Brian forgives Freckles but remains mad at me if I say something. Neither of the options was good; but in the first option none of us would be fine and in the second option at least Brian and Freckles would be fine. Yes, I'd have to risk my friendship with Brian for the sake of them; but, after all, I was the one who led them to be like they were now; it was my fault, so I had to make up for it. Freckles looked down, shook her head and wiped her tears away.
"No, it wasn't your fault. You've been forced, I understand it. You know who's to blame? Brian's mother. If she hadn't appeared in this haughty way, none of this would have happened." Freckles said anguished but also a bit furious and disgruntled. She hasn't noticed that Brian's mother was still here.
"I have my reasons to be back." Mrs. Clerk said.
Freckles looked abruptly behind me to look at Brian's mother. Her sad face turned into a very disgruntled face, full of anger. Damn, this was going to be tough; I've never seen Freckles as mad as she seemed to be now. Sure, thanks to Brian's mother, her impeccable friendship with Brian was fucked up. Freckles stopped hugging me and she walked to Brian's mother who was now standing up, looking at Freckles. I closed the door, I turned to look at them again and I bit my lips, knowing that this was surely going to end up in a bad way.
"What are you still doing here?" Freckles asked rabidly.
"I was telling Darren the story of my past to explain him why I'm here." Brian's mother answered in a quiet way, but Freckles kept looking furiously at her. "I can tell you're also my son's friend; so you can come here and sit with me and Darren to hear why I'm here." Mrs. Clerk said again in a quiet way.
"How can you be so quiet?" Freckles asked coldly with her eyes full of anger. I've never seen her acting so nastily to someone.
"Excuse me?" Brian's mother asked squinting and frowning.
"How can you be so quiet knowing that you fucked up everything?" Freckles asked rudely, still looking at Brian's mother in a very rabid way. Brian's mother was looking at Freckles in a puzzled way, apparently astonished by the way Freckles was talking. "Why are you back? To continue fucking up Brian's life, eh?"
"I won't allow you to talk to me that way." Brian's mother said very firmly, now looking at Freckles in an annoyed way.
"Who do you think you are to appear again and mess up around?" Freckles asked sternly, looking fixedly and coldly into Brian's mother's eyes.
"I'm Brian's mother." Mrs. Clerk replied firmly and roundly, looking at Freckles almost in an overbearing way.
"You're not his mother. Maybe you gave birth to him; but you don't have any of the qualities to be called mother." Freckles said in a grim and brutal way, I couldn't even recognize her. It was scary to see her acting this way.
"Who do you think you are to state that?" Brian's mother asked also in a brutal way, looking vilely into Freckles' eyes. This whole situation was very fraught, scary and almost violent. I was very frightened by the way this could end.
"I'm Brian's best friend and I know absolutely everything about his past. I have the enough cognizance to know that you were nothing but an absent mother who was never for him when he needed you; an absent mother who never gave him a needing advice; an absent mother who wasn't there to share with him his victories and defeats, his dreams and fears, his joys and sorrows, and his smiles and tears." Freckles said rudely, still looking fixedly into Brian's mother's eyes.
She was facing Brian's mother and I knew she wouldn't restrain a single word of what she had to say, and less after the fact she could lose Brian because of Mrs. Clerk's fault. Brian's mother now changed her furious and stern face to look down, frown, bite her lip and make a constrained grimace of distress and disturbance. Yet, this didn't prevent Freckles to keep talking and I knew that nothing was going to stop her now that she has started; not after seeing the way Freckles was still looking at Brian's mother.
"You're an absent mother who didn't comfort him when he was having a nightmare, who never tucked him in bed and never kissed him goodnight, who never sang to him a lullaby, who never took care of him when he was sick, who was never there when he lost a baby tooth to tell him to place it beneath the bed pillow so the tooth fairy will visit him. You're an absent mother who never read him a book, who never taught him how to ride a bike, who never took him to the park to swing on the swings, who never showed up at one of his games, who wasn't there to comfort him all the times he fell and scratched his knee, who wasn't there with him to run through the sprinkler, who wasn't there to help him build a fort, who wasn't there to jump in puddles with him. You're a mother who never played dress ups, puzzles or with Lego with him; who never played with clay, glue and paint with him; a mother who never bought him a toy; an absent mother who never took him to a zoo, a museum, library, or to the movies; an absent mother who never helped him with his homework or when he had to study for an exam." Freckles said with choked voice, still in a harsh way but also in an afflicted way.
Now there were tears in Freckles' eyes and I honestly couldn't tell if those were tears of anger or tears of sadness; maybe they were both. Brian's mother was still looking down, frowning and biting her lip; now shedding tears, and I knew those were tears of sadness and maybe also of repentance. As for me, I was looking down, frowning and thinking about the things Freckles was saying. I really never thought about all the things that a mother always do for her children; all those little and simple things that all children get in their childhood from their parents. It was so normal for me and I've never lacked any of those things that I've never thought how important actually they were for a child; and knowing that Brian has never got any of that made me feel kinda sad. What kind of child doesn't get all of those things? It's essential for a child to get those things from their mother in their childhood. I couldn't believe that Brian has lacked those things in his life; and I realized that I've never really appreciated and thanked all of the things that my mom has ever done for me. Holy crap, those were essential and simple things that no child should ever lack.
"You're an absent mother who never held his hand, who never hugged him, who never kissed him, who never told him how special he was." Freckles said with choked voice, now shedding the tears she had in her eyes. Now she said this in an afflicted way, placing one of her hands on her heart. "You're an absent mother who wasn't with him in his first day in elementary school, in his first day in high school, in his graduation, and in his first day in college. You're an absent mother, who missed all of his birthdays; who missed the day he got a very good score in school for the first time, who missed the day he kissed a girl for the first time, who missed the day he fell in love for the first time, who missed the blessing and the wonder of having a beautiful little son; summing up, you're an absent mother who missed all his childhood and adolescence; who never saw him grow up. Brian grew up with the feeling of abandonment, guilt, fear, sorrow and loneliness that your desertion caused. You ruined Brian's life."
When Freckles said that, I gasped and I looked at her in astonishment. Freckles didn't mince words. I couldn't believe she said something as rude and crude as that. It was surely really harsh and tough for a mother to hear that she has ruined her child's life; surely it was the worst thing a mother could hear. But I couldn't say anything, because somehow Freckles was right. It was really sad to hear and realize that Brian never had his mother to share his most treasured memories and experiences. But mostly, it was sad to realize that Brian has grown up with the feeling of abandonment, guilt, fear, sorrow and loneliness; I've never realized that those were the feelings that being abandoned could cause. And I've never thought that Brian could have felt all of that in his life; then I realized how strong Brian was to have endured all of that and how strong he was to have dealt and overcome all of those things. Brian's mother was now crying in a heartrending way, covering her face with her hands. Yet, Freckles kept talking, she wasn't done.
"And yes, it's terrible what happened to you in the past when you saw how your parents were murdered, I bet it was really hard; but you had a little kid who raise and care for; you had a little kid who was there to give you all his love, love that you rejected and could have been your salvation; you had a little kid who couldn't understand why his mom didn't love him. A mother always prioritizes her son above all. So, how can you proclaim yourself as a mother if you gave priority to yourself instead of your child?" Freckles asked sternly but also sadly, not taking her eyes off Brian's mother who was still covering her face and crying. This was really tough to hear, even for me, I couldn't imagine how tough this was to hear for Brian's mother. "Brian needed the love of a mother and you weren't there; so you definitely don't have any of the qualities to be called his mother. His mother was his dad and you're just the woman who gave birth to him and who doesn't know a damn shit about her son."
Oh holy shit. This was truly rude and nasty and I couldn't believe these words were coming out from Freckles' mouth. Yes, she was completely right and I could understood she was very disgruntled and afflicted for what Brian's mother has done to her best friend; but still it was harsh. Anyway, it was admirable the way she was standing up for Brian and facing his mother only to defend him, making it clear why Brian has reacted the way he did when he saw his mother again after years. Maybe Brian's mother needed to hear all of this to realize that it wouldn't be so easy for her to be part of Brian's life again; maybe Brian's mother needed to hear this so she wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I was feeling bad by the way Mrs. Clerk was crying; but I was feeling even worse by the way Brian has felt all these years that he hasn't had a mother. So, even if Freckles' words were rugged and rough, I was on her side and I agreed with her about that Mrs. Clerk wasn't Brian's mother in terms to a mother who acts like a true one over her child.
"So, I don't know why you're back; I don't know why you changed your mind and decided to find your son; I don't even know if you have good or bad intentions. But I want to let you know that you've brought him much pain and sadness in his life and I won't allow you to make him suffer again. He could take it once and he's still dealing with all the sorrow and troubles that your abandonment caused; he can't take it twice. I won't ever allow anyone hurt him again in his life; so you must know that right now you're in front of the one person who's gonna do whatever it takes to protect him, even from his own mother. So now you know with who and what you're dealing and if you can't take that, you better run away from here like you've already done when Brian was only 8 years old." Freckles said in a very firm and round way.
I raised my eyebrows and looked at Freckles very amazed by her determination and confidence; I've never seen her so strong, solid and steady. I've never seen her facing someone the way she did; I've never seen her matching up to a person much older than her; I've never seen her standing up for someone the way she did, without being afraid of anything and anyone. This was remarkable and admirable; this was a new side of her which was definitely different from high school. And I truly liked her outright self-confidence, steadiness and fearlessness when it came to stick up for the people she loved and her ideals. Now I finally understood what she meant when she said she could face Jim and nothing was going to stand in her way when it comes the time to give Jim his due. Now I finally understood what Brian meant to her now that I witnessed the way she stood up for him. If only Brian could had been here to see all Freckles said and did for him; he'd surely have forgiven her. Yes, maybe Freckles was a bit cruel, but there was not even a single thing that she has said with wrong and injustice. Yes, maybe Freckles was rude and flint-hearted, but she only exposed what Brian's mother has done and what she shouldn't ever do again. Yes, maybe Freckles was remorseless and unkind, but she was like that only because she loved Brian and she wouldn't let anyone hurt him again. In this context what Freckles said was righteous; so I was going to stand on her side and support her. I looked at Brian's mother, she now uncovered her face and was looking at Freckles with tears in her eyes as though she was truly hurt; she was trying to say something, but apparently she couldn't talk.
"I don't wanna run away again. I only want to be part of his life again; I want to make up for my mistakes and the lost time. I want to make up for all the things I've missed of his life. I just want to get back my little son. I was lost; I lost my senses and with that I lost the most treasured person I had who is Brian. There's not a single day in my life in which I haven't regretted not taking part of his life. But I couldn't come back while I was still lost, while I still couldn't restore myself; I always wanted to be a good mother for him but I couldn't be one while I was still lost; because I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want him to see me as miserable and destroyed as I was. And now I finally got to leave that dark past of drugs and depression; now I finally got to recover myself for the only purpose of getting my son back as I've always wanted. Brian is the one and only reason that allowed me to leave that dark past and Brian is the one and only reason that gives sense to my life." Brian's mother said still crying, but looking into Freckles' eyes in a beseeching way, as if she was seeking for a little bit of mercy. Freckles was looking very intently at her, with a serious face, without doing any kind of gesture; while I was just observing them both. "You said that I've never been there when Brian started or finished stages in his life; and maybe you're right, maybe I wasn't next to him to hug him as I'd have liked. But I was there; I was there in his first day in elementary school, I was there in his first day in high school, I was there in his graduation and in his first day in college; I was there, hiding, looking at him in the distance; because he couldn't see me, he couldn't see his mother as destroyed as I was; but I was there. I was there in all of his birthdays, spying him through the window, wishing that I could be there to sing him happy birthday and give him my present; but I couldn't let him seeing me the way I was. And yes, I couldn't do all the things that a mother does with her child and I'll always regret that I've missed his childhood and adolescence."
Brian's mother was crying in a heartrending way, but she was still looking into Freckles' eyes. Freckles finally made a gesture when she heard what Mrs. Clerk said: She looked down and frowned, as though she was stunned and puzzled by what Brian's mother recently confessed. I was also surprised by what Mrs. Clerk said; she was an absent mother but yet she was there looking after Brian in the distance, seeing him while hiding; she wasn't part of his life in a conventional way, but somehow she took part of his life. If only Brian could had seen his mother in those moments, maybe he wouldn't have suffered so much in his childhood and adolescence. Then Freckles looked up into Brian's mother's eyes again; this time she wasn't looking at her in that severe way, I could notice in Freckles' eyes a hint of compassion. Surely she was starting to feel moved by Brian's mother's sorrow. Yes, after all, Freckles was always one of those people who couldn't endure seeing someone suffering.
"I'm completely aware that I've failed him as a mother; but I'm here now to make up for my biggest mistake. I'm here to be the mother he always needed, to be the mother I've always wanted to be, to be a real mom for him." Brian's mother said in between tears.
But despite her sorrow, she said it in a very determined way and it seemed to be honest. Freckles was looking intently at her and she wasn't looking at her in a suspicious and stubborn way; she was looking at her in a sad and maybe confused way. I knew that Freckles was starting to feel meek. As for me, I could really see honesty in Brian's mother's eyes; I could notice she was truly repentant, but I guessed this was still something hard for Freckles to believe. Mrs. Clerk remained looking at Freckles in silence, while still shedding tears. Then she wiped away her tears and walked closer to Freckles, looking at her in a supplicant way. Freckles, surprisingly, didn't step back; she remained standing there, looking fixedly at Brian's mother. Mrs. Clerk placed a hand on Freckles' shoulder and for my amazement, Freckles didn't attempt to move away and she didn't look at Brian's mother in a cold or harsh way.
"I understand your anger and I won't blame you for the way you treated me, because I know I deserve it. By contrast, I'm really glad to know that my son has a friend like you, who's standing up for him even when he's not here to see what you're doing for him. I'm glad that my son has a friend who really cares about him and who's gonna do whatever it takes to protect him. I'm glad that my son has a friend who's never going to leave him the way I left him. Thank you for being part of my son's life and now I beg you to let me show him that I will never leave again because I want to be part of his life as well." Brian's mother said with cracked voice, looking deeply into Freckles' eyes in an imploring way, still placing a hand on her shoulder.
Freckles remained looking into Brian's mother's eyes and tears started to stream down her face in silence when she heard what Mrs. Clerk said to her. I knew that those words meant a lot to Freckles; because she was really that friend for Brian and she was feeling bad because she was thinking she lost Brian, even if she was always that friend for Brian. And surely Freckles was shedding tears in silence because she finally could see honesty in Brian's mother's eyes. I was only observing Freckles, wishing I could go there and pull her into a comforting hug; I didn't want to see her crying. But I remained there because it wasn't proper to interrupt them. Freckles wiped her tears away, took a deep breath and looked at Brian's mother in a firm but not severe way. What would she say now?
"If you came back, you have to be decided to stay forever; you can't disappear again and leave him helpless and uncared-for again." Freckles said firmly but in a gentle way, very different from before. Surely she noticed that Brian's mother was being sincere and she really wanted to be part of Brian's life. Mrs. Clerk wiped her tears away, looked intently at Freckles and nodded. "If you decide to stay, you'll have to love him unconditionally and show him that love through your actions and not words; you'll have to be consistent, dependable and trustworthy; you'll have to understand that it's not Brian's responsibility to go after you, because you're the one who left and who broke your bond; and mostly, you'll have put aside your own welfare to start taking care of him. Brian, and not yourself, must be your priority henceforth." Freckles said roundly and very determined; but still in a gentle way. She was making clear that she wouldn't prevent Brian's mother from being part of his life but she wasn't going to let her hurt him again. "If you really want to be part of Brian's life, you should take part in his life without expecting anything from him, knowing that your bond cannot be easily repaired; because you have to understand that Brian has detached understanding that you were never meant to be a mother because he has never healed his own heart. Brian deserves to be loved again, but his heart should only be trusted with someone who values his heart with gentleness and kindness." Freckles said looking deeply into Brian's mother's eyes while Mrs. Clerk was nodding and looking at Freckles maybe in a thankful way. "You'll have to be the mother who loves him, holds him, embraces him with your love, and never leaves; a mother who will stand up for him, lead the way by your example, shelter him from storms, give him wisdom, make him laugh, and listen to him; a mother who will encourage him to succeed in all his hopes and dreams, who will walk with him, and who will teach him how to live life. So, if you decide to stay; you must be willing to do everything for him and, most importantly, you must be willing to stay forever and never leave." Freckles said clearly and softly, but in a firm and meaningful way.
"Yes, I'm willing to do everything for Brian and I'm willing to stay forever to never leave. I won't make the same mistake again." Brian's mother answered roundly, in a surefire way. Freckles looked fixedly into her eyes and then she nodded.
"Then I really wish you can be the true mother that Brian always needed. Brian is an extraordinary person." Freckles said in a very gentle and meek way.
After hearing this, Brian's mother hugged Freckles. At first, Freckles got strained by her embrace, but then she hugged her back and she even rubbed her back to reassure Brian's mother who was crying again. But Mrs. Clerk wasn't crying of sadness, she was now crying because she was thankful. Maybe it meant a lot to Brian's mother that her son's best friend decided to give her a second chance and decided to believe her. I was really content by the way Freckles managed this entire situation. I was very content by the way Freckles could face Brian's mother, telling her all of the things that Mrs. Clerk needed to know and hear, but deciding to give her a second chance. I was really content by the way Freckles was firm and solid but also compassionate and softhearted. I was just really glad to have someone like Freckles in my life and I wished I could mean to her what Brian meant to her. She really loved him in a way that maybe I didn't want to admit. Brian's mother thanked Freckles and promised to never disappoint her or Brian. Mrs. Clerk said that she was going to try to be part of Brian's life slowly, because she understood that their encounter was going to be hard and complicated if not confusing. Yet, she didn't mention anything about why there was a grave with her name before she left my apartment. Maybe we would have to wait for that, because this conversation was already very intense and fraught. Once Brian's mother left, Freckles sat on the couch and I walked to Freckles, sat next to her, and I finally hugged her as I've wanted to do. Freckles wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest, comforted by the hug; maybe she needed a hug. I stroked her short hair smoothly and I leaned to whisper in her ear.
"I really admire what you've just done." I whispered kindly. "Only few people can stand up for someone the way you did. You're an outstanding person, Freckles." I said now looking deeply into her eyes, fondling softly her cheek with my thumb as she was looking at me with tears in her eyes, smiling sweetly. "You really love Brian, don't you?" I dared to ask.
"Yes, I do. Brian means like everything to me." Freckles answered with cracked voice, shedding tears.
Maybe those were tears because she was thrilled, or maybe those were tears because she remembered the conversation she had with Brian and the feeling of losing her best friend. I leaned over and kissed her forehead to reassure her, and then I stared into her big beautiful teary eyes while still caressing her cheek with my thumb. While I was looking at her, I started feeling more intrigued about what kind of love she felt for Brian. I had that doubt that was like gnawing in my mind; something I really needed to know. I was scared to ask because I was actually scared to hear her answer and finally be forced to admit what I didn't want to admit. I stared into her beautiful eyes, remembering the time those eyes used to look at me in a very affectionate way, when we were in love. I didn't want to admit that I missed those times; but it was impossible to do while staring into her eyes. I missed her. And she loved Brian and I needed to know in which way she loved Brian. Whatever her answer would be, it was time to know and it was time to hear from her mouth what she felt for Brian. Still feeling frightened and nervous, I took a deep breath and I looked deeply into her eyes.
"Are you in love with Brian?" I finally asked as my heart was beating really fast.
Freckles looked down and started shedding more tears. She had an anguished face. I remained silent, still trying to look into her eyes, expectant and eager to hear her response, yet still feeling nervous. It was time to know.
"I don't know. Maybe I am. I don't know; I'm confused." Freckles answered with choked voice, apparently feeling troubled; now covering her face to start sobbing.
When I heard her response, I bit my lips and looked down with my eyebrows downwards. I heard what I was afraid to hear from her mouth. Yes, she said she didn't know, that she was confused; but I knew how everything that was confusing ended up; because she was feeling exactly the same way I felt for her in high school, when we were just good friends who liked spending time together, when my feelings for her were confusing, when I didn't know why I felt weird around her, when I didn't know if I liked her as a friend or maybe more than that, when I didn't want to admit that I was falling in love with her. She was confused just as I was when we were in high school. Maybe she wasn't in love with Brian; but she was starting to fall in love with him. And Brian was a good person who always cared about Freckles; why wouldn't Freckles fall completely in love with him soon? Maybe I should feel happy for her because I wanted to see her happy and because I knew Brian was a good guy and not an asshole. But I just couldn't feel happy.