Teenage Dream

by Lucy Samb

You/ Darren Criss fanfic. The story is about your life with Darren in high school, college and professional life among friendship,love,fights,comings and goings and how you both go through serious stuff such as bullying,suicide,discrimination and life itself. It starts when you meet Darren, a guy of your school in St. Ignatius College Preparatory who never noticed you, a loser.

56. Forgive and be forgiven

A/N: Surprise chapter! Yay! I have reasons to post a surprise chapter, reasons that I'll announce. However, I want to let you know that I have to keep this note short because I have a final exam on Monday and another one on Thursday, so you can picture how busy I am; this is why I won't reply your reviews today but I'll do it in the next chapter; I'm so sorry, but thank you very much for all of them. Now, let's get started.

- It's September 20 and today it's Zahra Ayoub's birthday! So, let's all wish her a very happy birthday! Zahra, I'm posting this chapter for you, as a way to give you some kind of very humble present! You're 20 now! How does it feel for you to leave behind your teens and start your twenties? (This is a typical question that a lot of people will ask). Anyway, I want to wish you a very happy birthday full of love and smiles; I hope you have a great day with people you love, with those who are there next to you or who are away but are there with you anyway, present in your life in other ways. I hope all your dreams can come true! Here, a virtual cake for you with twenty candles! Try not to burn with them!

- Now, today, Emma has a call back for Julliard. This is a big day for her, so I hope all of us can wish her the best of luck! Emma, I really hope everything can go not fine but great. I wish you can show them your talent and I hope you get to impress them; I believe you can make it. The songs you chose seem to be good for your performances, so I'm sure that on October 15th you'll be starting your first term on Julliard! I'm so excited for you, so today all the positive vibes go in your direction!

- This is a note for Jenna (MeMi83), now I know you like Passenger, so you may find one of his songs in this chapter! Before posting the chapter I read it, and I thought about you!

- I want to tell you all that I won't be able to post a new chapter until two weeks, but to make up for it, this is a long chapter. I hope you can enjoy it!

Now, I'll just let you read this new chapter as I'll return to my hours of intensive study! I wish you days full of The Beatles and Glee! haha. Warm fuzzies and until next time!

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Teenage Dream – Chapter 56 – Forgive and be forgiven.

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You woke up because of the cold you were feeling. When you opened slightly your eyes, you noticed why you were feeling so cold and it was because you were only in your underwear; that was weird because you never slept in underwear. You couldn't remember how you got to your bed, the last thing you could remember was being with Darren, having a conversation about how much you missed your life in San Francisco and how this was probably consequence of being distant with Brian. You really couldn't remember the time you decided to go to bed, not even the time Darren left. Why couldn't you remember? When you started rubbing your eyes, you felt a throbbing headache. You closed your eyes again, frowned and pressed your fingertips in your temple, as a way to try to stop the pain; of course it didn't work. It was as though you had a hangover; but you were sure you haven't drunk anything at all. After few minutes, the headache disappeared but you remained with your eyes closed, so now you could feel your other senses. Suddenly you felt a hand on your waist, you felt the breathing of someone against your face, you felt sudden warmth, and you smelled a particular perfume... Brian? You opened your eyes to see Brian lying down next to you, placing his hand on your waist and touching your neck with his nose, completely asleep. His hair was disheveled, he had stubble, he was frowning slightly, he had dark circles, and his mouth was slightly opened. He seemed to be really tired. He was just as the way he was the last time you saw him, still wearing those blue worn out jeans, those socks with holes; and the sweater he had besides the green one, the red one unraveled at the seam. But, why was Brian sleeping in your bed? The last time you saw him, he didn't even want to see you; besides, he was never in the room at the time you woke up. You looked at yourself again; you were sleeping with Brian in underwear. What the hell has happened? You moved your head up to look over Brian and try to find any kind of clue why you were like this and why you were in this weird situation. On the nightstand you could see a thermometer, few cloths and a bottle of Tylenol. You frowned because you couldn't remember that you've brought those things there; maybe Brian has done it, but he didn't know that lately you've been running a fever. Then you looked at the digital clock on the nightstand; it was 11 am. When you rested your head on the pillow again, Brian curled up to you as a little boy. He was fast asleep and it was really weird that Brian was sleeping till so late, he used to wake up every day at 7 am; but you didn't wake him. Instead, you moved closer and held him in your arms, resting your chin on the top of his head. You weren't quite sure why Brian was with you instead being outside, away from you as he's lately been; but you wouldn't miss this chance you had to be near him again. With one hand you ran your fingers through his toned arms, and with the other hand you ran your fingers through his soft straight hair. Damn, you missed him. You just wished you could talk to him again and there was nothing you wished more than getting his forgiveness. When you kissed his temple, you heard how Brian growled and when you looked at him you noticed he was frowning and he started blinking until he half opened his eyes.

"Hi." You whispered with a slight but warm grin.

When you greeted him, Brian sat up abruptly, looking at you kind of alarmed or worried, still frowning and now with his eyes fully open. He placed his hands on your shoulders as you were looking at him stunned by his abrupt reaction. Why would he react that way?

"Sunny! How are you feeling?" He asked hoarsely, still kind of troubled.

"I'm fine. How about you?" You asked still looking at him kind of bemused.

"Fine... Are you feeling cold? Do you have chills? Are you feeling dizzy? Are your muscles aching? Are you feeling listlessness? Are you sweating?" Brian asked altered, placing one of his hands on your forehead.

"Brian..." You said firmly while grabbing his wrist to move his hand away from your forehead. Brian finally looked at you while you kept holding his hand. "I'm fine." You assured looking deeply into his green eyes. "I'm only a little bit cold for obvious reasons, it's fall and I'm in my underwear for some strange reason." You said with an amused smirk to try to joke and calm him down.

"Oh yeah... Umm, that was me who took off your clothes; you had a high-grade fever." Brian answered a bit uncomfortable.

"Are you the one who has brought those cloths and the bottle of Tylenol?" You asked looking deeply into his eyes with a faint grin at the thought he took care of you.

"Yeah; you were really sick last night, your body temperature was 104.3 degree, Sunny! Why haven't you told me that you've been running a fever the last days? That's very serious! You should've told me!" Brian exclaimed really altered and worried.

"I'm sorry; I didn't want to bother you." You replied, looking down.

"Bother me? Sunny, why would you bother me?" Brian asked in disbelief.

"You know why..." You answered sadly, still looking down.

"No, I don't know why you think you'd bother me; otherwise I wouldn't have asked." Brian said trying to look into your eyes as you kept avoiding his gaze.

"Because we're not like before, Brian." You answered with cracked voice, so you cleared your throat. "You wouldn't talk to me all of these days, I understand it. So I thought that telling you this would be just a bother or that maybe you wouldn't care because, you know, you're disappointed in me, and I get it." You confessed in a whisper.

"That I wouldn't care? Really, Sunny? Did you really think that I wouldn't care?" Brian asked and his voice sounded disappointed. No, not again! Not another thing to add to his disappointment in you! "Hey, I want you to look at me." Brian demanded firmly, but you couldn't do it, you were feeling bad. "Sunny, we're talking, so look at me." Brian demanded again and you, slowly, looked into his green eyes that were fixed on your eyes. "How on earth would you think that I wouldn't care?"

"I'm so sorry!" You said pouting with teary eyes. "I don't want you to feel even more disappointed in me! I'm so sorry!" You said with chocked voice in a supplicant way.

You started shedding some tears while looking down again; you didn't want to cry in front of him, but you couldn't hold back your tears because you were feeling as though you were doing everything wrong. Brian remained silent for a while until you felt his hands on your cheeks; he wiped away your tears and he made you look at him again, brushing your cheeks with his thumbs. He had a sad expression on his face, maybe it was disappointment, but it was a different kind of look from the one he had when he was truly disappointed in you.

"I swear I don't feel disappointed in this. I just can't believe I made you think something like that."Brian said sadly, looking deeply into your eyes. "I admit I've been acting weird, maybe in a wrong way; and I admit that part of me couldn't forgive you... But even if we were kind of distant, even if I wasn't here as before, I'd never stop caring about you, Sunny; because the fact that I couldn't forgive you, doesn't mean that I stopped loving you the way I do. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't care; I do care and a lot." Brian said distressed, looking at you in a piercing way, still placing his hands on both of your cheeks.

You looked down and you pulled straight down the corners of your lips, as your eyebrows were pull in and partly up; you sniffled and made a shrill muffled sound, trying your best not to cry. The last thing you wanted was to make Brian feel guilty for something; it was already too much that he was feeling disappointed in you.

"I never do anything right!" You sniffled with choked voice.

"What?" Brian asked moving his head down to try to look into your eyes as he was still placing his hands on your cheeks.

"You... You aren't the one to blame, and there you are thinking that you made me feel as though you don't care; and you're not to blame for my insecurities and I just... I don't want to do something else that can make us grow even more distant! I'm doing everything wrong, aren't I?" You sobbed while finally shedding the tears you were holding back.

Brian remained silent and, though you couldn't look at him, you could sense he was looking at you, maybe confused. You only wanted to bury your face on his chest and find the usual comfort in his arms; but you couldn't do it because lately Brian didn't like this and you remembered how strained he was when you hugged him for the last time. So you remained still, still sniffling and wailing, looking down trying to calm yourself. Without even asking and without even expecting it, Brian placed one hand on the back of your head and he softly yanked your head to his chest, as he enfolded his arms around you very tightly. He stroked your hair when you wrapped your arms around his waist while crying on his chest. He embraced you for a long time in complete silence, and you didn't want him to stop doing so, you missed being like this and you really needed one of his hugs right now. He kept running his fingers through your hair until you got to calm down; he kissed the top of your head and placed one hand on your chin to lift your head, so you'd look at him.

"You're not doing everything wrong, Sunny." Brian said looking into your eyes, fondling your cheek.

"Yes, I am. If it wasn't like that, then we wouldn't be as distant as we are now. I admit I've done so much wrong and I'm aware that I'm the one who caused this distance between us. I failed you." You said looking at him distressed, wiping away your last tears as Brian looked down and bit his lower lip before looking up to you again with bright teary eyes. "But I'm really sorry, Brian. I know you can't forgive me and I wish..."

"Sunny, please..." Brian interrupted you gesturing with his hand, looking down and shaking his head. "Let's not talk about it."

"But Brian, I have to. Please, let me talk to you, I beg you." You implored, looking into his eyes as he looked at you sadly with his eyebrows downwards.

"Sunny, you've been sick, you need to rest and you shouldn't have stressful conversations of any kind. We can talk about it another day." Brian pointed, still looking down as he clenched his jaw.

"No, I know how this is gonna end up; just as it has been happening since that stupid encounter with your mother." You said while shaking your head as Brian bit his lips, still looking down. "I'd tell you that I want to talk to you, you'd tell me that you're busy, I'd beg you and you'd promise me that you'd come back early, you wouldn't arrive and we wouldn't talk at night; and this would happen every day over and over again. You don't have to talk, you don't even have to forgive me, but let me tell you how I feel; please."

"Sunny, why don't we just forget that?" Brian asked fluttering his eyes nervously. "Let's talk as before, let's be as before... I promise to stop acting weird."

"Brian you know it won't work. Yes, we can pretend to be as we used to be; but if we don't talk, we'll be thinking all the time what happened without saying anything at all, it'd be awkward." You said as Brian was looking down with his eyebrows downwards. "And as long as we keep thinking about something unspoken, being as we were before will be just to pretend all the time, until one day we'll get tired of pretending too much that, unwittingly, it'll come a point when we won't talk anymore; not only that, but the reasons why we'll be distant will lose consistency and we won't find any way to draw near each other again. Let me know, do you want that for us?" You asked trying to meet his eyes. After a while, Brian looked into your eyes with those green afflicted eyes.

"No, of course I don't want that for us." Brian replied frankly. "But I don't want to bring back..."

"Brian, I won't ask you to forgive me; I know you can't and I won't push you. I only want to have an honest talk." You said looking at him as his nervous green eyes were piercing yours. "Can you please, listen to me? I won't force you to talk if you don't want to say anything, and I swear I'll understand if you can't forgive me, because I've long accepted that I fucked up everything."

"Sunny, no... Please, no...Just..." Brian mumbled troubled, shifting his gaze downwards.

"Brian, please. If things won't be as before, let me at least tell you one last thing; I wouldn't want to end our friendship with an unspoken conversation we should have had." You begged.

"Have you ever considered putting an end to our friendship?" Brian asked sorrowful, looking at you again.

"No; I'd never want it; but just in case, because you never know what the future may hold you." You answered looking deeply into his sad eyes. "Would you give me the chance to talk to you?"

"Yes." Brian answered and you smiled faintly and muttered thanks with your lips before kissing quickly his cheek.

"Now I know you can't trust me again, but only for this time I beg you to believe me because I'll be completely honest." You said and Brian nodded while looking into your eyes. "I've made a terrible mistake that day and there's not even one single day in which I don't regret what I've done to you. I know it's a terrible mistake because you always forgive me for everything and this time you couldn't. But believe me when I tell you that my intentions were never to do you wrong. If I did what I did, it wasn't because for me it was more important to take you to Darren's apartment because he forced me than your feelings; I did it because I was scared. I really regret for what I've done and maybe I deserve the way you're around me now; because somehow I thought about my fears instead thinking about your feelings, about the feelings of one of the people I love most. If I'd known that everything was going to end up this way, I'd have never taken you to Darren's apartment that day." You said in all honesty.

You were looking into Brian's green eyes in a stricken way. Brian was very silent, listening intently to what you were saying. There wasn't a disappointed look, but there was an afflicted look. One way or another, you were making him feel bad.

"I'm still trying to figure out the way you can forgive me; but I came to the conclusion that sometimes there's no way to apologize because you cannot apologize for something unforgivable that is what I've done to you. Sometimes, you cannot be forgiven, this is the hardest part." You said looking down in a bereaved way. You took a moment to bit your lips and frown slightly before looking at Brian again. He was looking at you in a very mournful way. "I can't even forgive myself for what I've done. I don't know if you know what you mean to me, Brian. You're the one person who restored me whole when I was broken; so you're not only my best friend, you're a part of me, not in the way you're only part of my life but in the way you're part of my being and soul." You said with cracked voice, looking deeply into Brian's eyes while placing your hands on your heart as Brian was looking at you with teary eyes. "So, to have hurt you was one of the most hideous things I've ever done. When you started to grow apart, that part of me was falling apart and I was starting to be as I used to be before you restored me. But I don't wanna talk about how that part of me was falling apart, that's not the point, that's not so important, you know? The important thing, what really was breaking my heart, was to see you so heartbroken, not knowing the way to mend your broken heart, aware that I was the one who broke it. That was really a bring-down." You said with teary voice.

When you noticed a few tears began to fall down your face, you had to look down because you needed to calm down, because you still had to keep talking now that he was giving you the chance to do so. You wiped those tears away with your wrists while sniffling, you pressed your lips and then you inhaled and exhaled before looking at Brian again. Your eyes met his and he remained looking at you in a very intense way, still sadly, but there was a very slight and almost unnoticeable twinkle in his eyes.

"As I said, sometimes you cannot be forgiven for the unforgivable things you've done. I'm aware of this now; I'm aware that you cannot forgive someone who hasn't only hurt your feelings but who has hurt your soul and everything you've been struggling with to overcome lots of things since years. So I won't ask your forgiveness because you cannot do it; but I will beg you to give me a chance to try to mend your heart that I broke. I won't ask you anything at all in return; and if you can't trust me, if you can't be with me as you used to be, if you can't be my friend, if you can't feel for me what you used to feel, it'll make me feel really sad but I'll understand. I only want to make up for my mistakes and restore you the way you've restored me." You said in between tears and wails but still looking into Brian's eyes which were looking at yours in tears.

"Sunny..." Brian whispered with cracked voice.

"No!" You interrupted him making a gesture while wiping away your tears. "No, I need... There's something else I want to tell you." You said firmly despite your choked voice. Brian looked into your eyes and nodded. "You say I can open myself up with such naturalness and simplicity; but it's not always like that. Sometimes I can't find the words to express all of my feelings and I found a way to express them in a not so common way; just as you do through letters, I found my way through songs. So there's a song I want to sing for you."

"Okay." Brian whispered looking intensely into your eyes.

You first looked down, cleared your throat and took a deep breath to be able to sing. Then you looked up and your eyes met those green eyes. While looking deeply into those green eyes, you started singing a capella for Brian.

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you.

And the reason is you.

And the reason is you.

You sang while looking deeply into his eyes which were looking at yours with that twinkle you thought you'd never see again. You dared to take both of his hands with yours, and Brian, instead moving his hands away, intertwined his fingers with yours. You had to make a big effort not to cry or not to get that lump in your throat, so you could keep singing.

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you.

In the last sentence of the song, your voice cracked as the lump in the throat appeared because this song from you to Brian was very meaningful. When you finished singing, you had to look down because there was something you wanted to say but you couldn't, so you needed to calm down and make that lump disappear. But instead of getting it, tears started to stream down your face to end on Brian's hands and then you felt tears crashing into your hands that weren't yours. You looked up through your eyelashes to find Brian looking at you with tears in his bright green eyes; but oddly enough, those weren't tears of sadness or disappointment; those were tears of joy, he seemed to be feeling moved by the song.

"I'm so sorry, Brian!" You wailed while shedding tears. Brian let out your hands to place them on your cheeks while looking piercingly into your eyes.

"I forgive you, Sunny." Brian said with cracked voice.

Right away he kissed your forehead and then he pulled you into a tight and warm hug. You buried your head on his broad shoulder as he rested his head on yours. Then you started crying but this time it wasn't because of the sorrow you were feeling; this time you were crying because you haven't heard such comforting and relieving words for your disheartenment and grief you've been feeling since Brian and you started to grow apart. You really thought that Brian wouldn't forgive you this, you really thought that you were going to lose him because of the damn mistake you've made; but there he was forgiving you, and you noticed he was sincere by the way his eyes were looking at you.

"I'm sorry it took me so long." Brian said with chocked voice and you noticed he was still crying. "I love you so much, Sunny." Brian whispered in your ear with the same teary voice, still hugging you tightly.

"I love you too, Bri, so much. I was scared... I was scared that I could have lost you..." You said sobbing against Brian's neck. He kissed your temple while rubbing his hands on your back.

"You'll never lose me, Sunny, and I hope I never lose you." Brian whispered with cracked voice and you hugged him even tighter. "Before you told me all of those honest and moving things and before you sang me that song; I was ready to forgive you. I had no reasons not to forgive the one person who stood up for me to face my mother when I wasn't even there to see it with my own eyes." Brian whispered touching slightly your ear with his mouth. You moved to look at him, frowning slightly because of your surprise.

"How do you know that?" You asked curiously, wiping your tears away.

"Darren told me last night." Brian replied.

You frowned because you never expected Darren to talk to Brian about this. Then you remembered he told you he was going to make up for this and he was going to tell Brian that you had nothing to do with all that happened; you remembered that Darren told you that sooner or later Brian was going to forgive you. You thought he said that only to cheer you up, you never thought that he actually was going to have the guts to go and face Brian to tell him everything only for the purpose of seeing you with Brian again as you two used to be. Darren has done this for you. But what could Darren have said? What if he told Brian that you were maybe in love with Brian? No, he couldn't have done it. No, no way.

"Sunny?" Brian asked and you looked at him abruptly, knowing that you've been silent for a while now.

Now you were nervous because you weren't sure what Darren could have said. What if Brian knew? No, that couldn't happen. You were looking straight into Brian's green eyes very nervous as he was looking intensely into your eyes with bright eyes and that particular twinkle. You realized you were very close to each other and this made you feel even more nervous. Brian was looking down to look into your eyes and you were looking up to look into his eyes, so the tips of your noses were almost touching and you practically could feel his breathing against your face. Maybe your senses were more acute for your nervousness. And holy shit, Brian was piercing you with his gaze.

"May I ask you something?" Brian asked still piercing you with his gaze as your heart started beating really fast and more when he held both of your hands. You only nodded because you couldn't talk. "I have a doubt…" Brian said frowning slightly, shifting his gaze, apparently thoughtful.

After few seconds of an abysmal silence that seemed to be an eternity of ridiculous nervousness for you, Brian looked straight in your eye, in that very intense and piercing way. His green eyes were twinkling and you could notice there was a hint of nervousness in his eyes as well. What would he ask? Damn, why were you so nervous? Why was this so tense? Why were you so close? Hopefully he wouldn't notice that your hands were sweating. Brian opened his mouth and now it was time to hear his question, you were feeling as though you were going to explode.

"What do you feel for me?" Brian asked almost in a whisper, killing you with his intense gaze as you froze, aghast.

Oh no, this wasn't real. He did not just ask that. Maybe Darren definitely told Brian the feelings you confessed; no he wouldn't do something like that. But then, why would Brian ask something like that? Maybe he didn't know, maybe he just wanted to know and he had no idea of what you told Darren. And if Darren told Brian, you needed to clear up that it wasn't like that; even if you were indeed feeling something for Brian, he shouldn't know because you were confused and you didn't want to lose your best friend because of a confusing feeling. Besides, you were thinking that you were just confused because you thought you lost your best friend, just for that, you were not actually in love with him. You were thinking at full speed, trying to make up something, and you tried to relax before answering that very uncomfortable question.

"You're my best friend. Even if lately we've been distant I never stopped loving you and considering you as one of the best things that happened to me, as my real best friend." You answered with a warm smile, despite your nervousness.

"Only as your best friend?" Brian asked looking fixedly and deeply into your eyes. You frowned and felt even more nervous. Why would he be asking something like that? Would he be suspecting something?

"Yeah… Uh, yes. I… I don't know why you asked it…" You answered with stammering voice. You were super nervous, but you were trying your best to control it.

"Never mind…" Brian responded looking away, with his gaze downward, biting his lower lip. Could he know you were lying? The way he was acting was just odd and awkward.

"Brian? This is weird. Why have you asked it?" You questioned suspiciously.

You were thinking about millions of possible options of why Brian could have asked that and then act in an odd way. Darren told Brian; Brian noticed you were feeling something more; you were being too obvious and nervous; Brian was just curious; Brian didn't like the weird way you were acting now; and things like these over and on.

"For nothing…" Brian replied a bit gloomy, still with his gaze downwards; but then he looked up and met your eyes to look at you in the same intense way. "But you do love me, right?"

"Yes, I do." You answered shortly, now feeling less nervous because you were starting to think that maybe he only needed to hear nice things.

"How much?" Brian asked in a whisper, frowning slightly, looking deeply into your eyes, and squeezing softly your hands.

"A lot." You answered in all honesty with a warm grin; but trying to be careful not to give away your confusing feelings for him.

"Do I really mean everything to you?" Brian asked shyly in a low voice that you had to make an effort to listen. You could notice he was jittery and you became suspicious.

"How…? Has Darren told you that?" You interrogated very suspiciously, narrowing your eyes and looking fixedly at Brian.

"Yes. Is it true?" Brian asked looking straight in your eye with his bright eyes, as though he was full of hopes to hear an affirmative answer. Wow, his eyes looked so precious like that.

"Yes, it is, Brian." You responded warmly and candidly, smiling affectionately at him as his eyes twinkled and he smiled back at you, also in an affectionate way. "What else has Darren told you?" You asked gingerly.

"Nothing more. Why? Is there something else?" Brian asked softly but very intrigued.

"No, there isn't." You lied in a persuasive way.

You felt bad for lying to him, but this was the best for now; so maybe it was only a white lie. Hopefully Brian would never find this out because you didn't want to screw things with him again now that you were fine. You absolutely didn't want to feel again as if you were losing him because it was an awful and heartbreaking feeling.

"Uh… Sunny… Umm…" Brian began to babble uneasily with his gaze downwards and making weird grimaces. You frowned slightly because of this. Then he looked up to look into your eyes, he bit his lips and remained silent for a while. "You don't feel anything more for me, do you?" He asked in a whisper, in a very timid way.

"Eh… I don't know what you mean." You replied, totally playing dumb, starting to feel edgy again.

Brian shifted his gaze downward and he bit his lower lip, remaining silent for a long time. This only increased the awkward and fraught situation. You weren't going to utter a single word; you shouldn't fill up the silence because that way you were going to screw things because of your uncertainties. Brian sighed and looked up at you again; his gaze was penetrating and intense. Why was this situation too odd? You've never felt this nervous around Brian; it was probably because now you had a secret feeling to hide. You really didn't want to feel this way around him.

"You only see me as your best friend and you only feel for me the kind of love you feel for a best friend… Nothing more… Is that the way you feel… for me?" Brian asked slowly and gingerly, holding firmly your hands, with a penetrating and eager gaze.

Damn shit. What were you supposed to answer? Argh! It was being really difficult to keep lying, to keep hiding that white lie. But you couldn't tell him that maybe, perhaps, possibly, there was something more. No way. Why was he so insistent? Maybe he couldn't believe you; maybe he knew you were lying. And you were starting to suspect that Brian, most likely, didn't feel the same way than you; maybe he didn't like at all the idea of you feeling something more for him. Come on! You were best friends; surely he was thinking that feeling something more was disturbing. Yes, most probably, he was thinking so; because he was in love with another girl. Okay, no, you couldn't cause him another trouble; so you, unquestionably, couldn't tell him there was something more that 'maybe' you were feeling for him and most probably it was a feeling of love and not of being in love with him.

"You're a very special friend to me. For that, I feel something special for you, Brian. The closest feeling I can relate it to, is the kind of love best friends feel for each other. Before you, I never had a best friend; so I guess this is what you feel about a best friend, a special feeling; not only a friendly feeling, it goes further than that; it's like a profound love but not to the point of the kind of love that lovers feel. I don't know if you get what I mean." You answered trying to be honest but not giving away your real feelings. You were grinning at him despite your nervousness; Brian was just looking at you intensely. "You'll always be my best friend, I guess I'll never go further than that, so don't worry." You said chuckling softly to try to break the fraught situation.

But Brian didn't laugh. Instead, he looked down with eyebrows downwards and the corners of his lips straight down. For some reason he didn't seem content with your answer, actually he seemed to be kind of sad. Have you said something wrong? Could you be feeling in a way you shouldn't or that was uncomfortable for him?

"Brian?" You asked after a profound silence. "Brian, can you look at me?" You demanded softly, placing your thumb on his chin to lift it. Brian finally looked up and you could look into his eyes. His green eyes were denoting a hint of sadness. Why? "Is there something I've said that made you feel uncomfortable?"

"No, not uncomfortable." Brian answered, shaking his head.

"But you don't look well. I know there's something I've said that made you feel bad. What is it? Be honest." You requested gently, looking deeply into his eyes. Brian took a long time to answer.

"There's nothing of what you said that made me feel bad. What you said only made me feel... surprised, maybe." Brian answered and you looked at him frowning slightly. He knew you didn't fully understand what he was trying to say, so he kept talking. "Maybe there was a part of me that wasn't expecting that kind of answer, that was expecting something else; but it doesn't mean that I didn't like your answer. Actually, I think it's good to know what you exactly feel for me. Thank you for telling me; now I know where I'm standing. I guess I needed to check that we'll always be best friends..." Brian said very softly and you smiled fondly at him, as assuring him that it was right, he'll always be your best friend. "Never more." Brian added in a whisper, looking down.

You could hardly hear this last thing, but you heard it. At this point you didn't know how you should take it. Was that a good or bad thing for him? You didn't know and this was already too awkward for you, so you decided to play dumb and pretend you haven't heard it. Fortunately you haven't mentioned him that you were feeling something different for him, because surely he wouldn't have liked it. You looked down, placing your head on his chest and wrapping your arms around him as Brian was holding you in his arms. You stayed silent for a long time, until you felt Brian's thumb on your chin and he lifted your head. You looked into his green eyes again and he smiled affectionately at you while caressing your chin with his thumb.

"I love you." Brian whispered with the same affectionate smile and the same fond eyes. "I'm glad to have a best friend like you." He whispered and kissed your forehead, making you feel thrilled.

"I love you too, Bri." You said looking sweetly at him.

Brian smiled widely and then he moved his hand from your chin. He closed his fist, sticking out his little finger. You looked at it very amused and you couldn't help chuckling softly. You looked up to look at his face; he was smirking amused, looking fixedly into your eyes with particular brightness, waggling his eyebrows. Of course, you both knew what it meant and he knew this was very meaningful to you. You remembered last year, when you were stricken because of what happened with Darren, the same day Brian forced you to wear the yellow dress and you both got your own song; Brian and you made a pinky promise for the first time, the pinky promise that you were always going to be for each other. You chuckled again, looked at him in an affectionate way, and then intertwined your little finger with his.

"So..." Brian started saying with that bright smirk. "Pinky promise we're always gonna be best friends, even if we argue from time to time, even if we want to kill each other for silly things, even if we get mad, even if we don't talk in weeks for being offended, even if we make mistakes. Pinky promise that no matter what, we're always gonna be best friends, we're gonna make it through in the hardest times, we're gonna struggle together against all the bad, we're gonna support and comfort each other, we're gonna be just there for each other through thick and thin. Pinky promise we're always gonna be best friends and we're never gonna break this special bond we have, regardless of all the problems we have to face in our lives. Pinky promise, Sunny?" Brian asked looking deeply into your eyes with a warm smile as you smiled back at him.

"Pinky promise we're always gonna be best friends and we're gonna love each other." You assured with a bright grin.

Then you kissed each other's hands to seal the promise as you both started laughing softly. Brian looked at you in a cute way and then he gave you a buss on the cheek.

"Well, it's a pinky promise now, so don't we dare to break it because this is like the Unbreakable Vow." Brian joked and you laughed louder.

"I'd never dare to break it." You answered with an amused smirk.

"Good. Now, get dressed. I'll make breakfast and I'll bring it here, you still have to rest. And take one of the pills that are on the nightstand… And try not to wear warm clothing… Oh! And drink the water that is on the glass… Also…" Brian started saying like a doctor or something.

"Brian…" You interrupted looking at him fixedly, biting your tongue not to laugh. "I'm fine, really, Dr. Clerk." You said now laughing and Brian giggled.

"Alright, patient. I'll come back soon with something tasty." Brian said still giggling while standing up. Before he left, he turned to look at you. "And I'll come back with a little surprise." Brian winked and giggled.

"Oh! I love surprises!" You laughed before Brian left the bedroom.

You stayed in bed for a little more and then you got up to find some clothes to wear. You put on a loose gray t-shirt and jogging shorts. It was freezing, duh, it was late October; but you knew you shouldn't wear warm clothing as Brian mentioned. You walked to the nightstand and you took one pill and drank the water. Then you sat on bed and waited for Brian to arrive with your breakfast. You smiled while thinking that finally Brian and you were fine again, you owed this to Darren, you were almost sure that Darren had something to do with this. Now, you should stop feeling confused about Brian; you wanted to think that you were confused with him only because you missed him when you were distant; maybe it was only that. And if it wasn't like that, you'd make sure not to think about it. Now that you made the pinky promise to be best friends and now that you were fine, nothing more could happen; you wouldn't screw anything. Why was Brian taking so long? You started thinking about Brian's mother. She wanted to be part of her son's life again and you wouldn't take him to his mother again, no way. But you needed to talk to him about his mother, because this was a big deal; Brian and you never could talk about what he was thinking about this, how he was feeling and what he wanted to do. And then you started wondering what he could have done while you were distant. What could he have been doing to be out all day long? You were intrigued. You were so deep in thought until you felt something weird in your feet, something that tickled you and scared you a bit. You looked down to see what caused it and you saw a little puppy dog with white fluffy hair licking your feet. What? Where did it come from? Why was there a puppy dog? It was so damn cute! You crouched to take the little puppy and place it on your lap to pet its very soft and fluffy hair, while grinning widely. You always wanted to have a puppy dog and this one was very beautiful.

"Oh! I see you met the little guy." Brian suddenly exclaimed.

You looked up to look at Brian. He was holding a tray with two coffee mugs, two glasses of orange juice and a bowl full of chip cookies; he was smiling brightly, looking at the puppy dog and then he looked at you, still smiling the same way. You smiled back at him and he started walking to you.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to make it more intriguing and mysterious, but the little guy wouldn't stay still and escaped when I was preparing the tray. So, yes, this little puppy is the surprise." Brian commented joyfully, now sitting on bed next to you with the tray. "So? Do you like it?" Brian asked looking at you and you noticed his eyes were very bright and he seemed to be very cheerful.

"Are you kidding me? I love it! I always wanted to have a puppy dog!" You answered excited, with a huge grin, still petting the puppy as Brian giggled softly. "Where did you get him?"

"I stole it from an old woman who was distracted, thinking… Hey! That could be a cool pet for us. I risked my life out there; I had to be very sneaky and when the old woman saw me stealing the little guy, she started to run behind me, but fortunately I was faster. Hopefully the police won't find me." Brian replied while shrugging and you looked at him astonished.

"What?" You asked gingerly, now frowning. Brian remained silent, very serious for a while; but then he burst out laughing.

"I'm kidding, Sunny!" Brian exclaimed still laughing and you couldn't help laughing along with him, playfully nudging him. "I found it last night. It was hurt and I took it to the vet because no one seemed to care about it. That's why yesterday I haven't arrived in time to have dinner together. The vet told me it's a purebred, a Japanese Spitz. So, I'll take care of it until the owner claims for it. So, in the meantime, this little guy is gonna be our pet. What do you think?" Brian asked with a cheesy grin.

"I think a lot of things." You said thoughtful and amused. "First off, you're a jerk. For a second I really thought you stole it!" You said giggling, pushing him softly and playfully as he was laughing loudly. "Then, to be honest, I was sad because yesterday night you didn't arrive to have dinner together. But now that you explained me why, I forgive you." You said grinning slightly, winking with a short giggle.

"Thanks, Sunny." Brian said smiling slightly and a bit amused.

"Wait; there are more things I want to say. I also want to take care of it; I'll feel offended if you don't let me do so." You said pouting as Brian snickered.

"I'll consider it… Maybe, if you are a good girl, you take the pills you have to take, you rest and you get better, you can also take care of it." Brian stated amused, looking at you fixedly.

"It's a deal. Now, I'd really love to have it as our pet! Look at this adorable little guy! Isn't it the cutest thing ever?" You exclaimed looking at the puppy in a sweet way as Brian snickered again. "Then…" You said looking at Brian again as he looked at you expectant and amused, raising his eyebrows. "Do we really have to return it? Cannot we, like, keep it forever? Please?" You asked in a supplicant way and Brian giggled softly.

"As much as I'd love it, the puppy has an owner who must be desperately looking for it." Brian answered. "Besides, I don't know if you're aware of it, but it's not allowed to have pets in this residence. We don't wanna be fined, do we?" Brian asked looking fixedly at you and you huffed and pouted as a kid.

"Please, Brian! Don't be so cruel! We can hide the puppy; no one would know we have a pet in here. Wouldn't it be great to have our own adorable and little puppy?" You asked enthusiastically.

"Yeah, it'd be amazing… But the owner…" Brian started refusing.

"What if no one claims for it?" You asked, interrupting him.

"We'll take it to the vet, so someone could adopt it." Brian responded roundly.

"No freaking way! No. We must keep it. Brian! Please? Look at it!" You exclaimed while placing your head next to the puppy, pouting and looking at Brian with your sweetest face. Brian looked at you and laughed.

"I'll consider it." Brian finally said and you bounced and squealed in excitement. "But probably we won't keep it, Sunny, so do not get too excited."

"We'll keep it. I already decided it." You said excited and Brian chuckled softly while shaking his head.

"You're impossible." He commented with an amused smirk.

"Yes, I am, Mr. Clerk. Now it's time to name our pet!" You exclaimed effusively. "What about Gandalf? The puppy has long white hair, as resembling Gandalf's long beard and hair!"

"You gotta be kidding me." Brian stated, looking at you fixedly and very serious while you just looked at him in a way to let him know you were talking in all seriousness, shrugging. "No! Who the hell would think to name a pet Gandalf? It'd be embarrassing to be walking the puppy and suddenly have to yell in front of a lot of people: Hey, Gandalf, do not poop there! No way, Sunny!" Brian exclaimed alarmed and you laughed.

"Alright, fine! It won't be Gandalf. What about Sir Lancelot or Hamlet?" You asked with a cheesy smile.

"You're seriously the worst at naming pets." He voiced, looking at you serious, raising an eyebrow; yet you noticed a hint of amusement on his face.

"Arturo! Othello! Baron de Charlus! Moby Dick! Gulliver! Romeo! Hercules! Frankenstein!" You exclaimed fervently.

"Oh Jesus! Just shut up!" Brian exclaimed loudly while laughing and you began to laugh along with him.

"Alright... Now, in all seriousness... What about Sawyer?" You asked.

"Sawyer? Like Tom Sawyer from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain?" Brian asked thoughtful.

"Exactly! I know it's one of your many favorite books; and I like that book too, so, what do you think?" You asked with a huge grin.

"Okay, Sawyer it's gonna be." He agreed and you cheered cheerfully. "Hi, Sawyer! Meet your crazy, very crazy almost owner called Sunny!" Brian talked to the puppy while petting its head and you giggled. It was cute the way Brian was talking to the puppy, you knew he also wanted to keep it, even if he was refusing it. "Now, Sawyer, if you excuse us, we're hungry and we need to have breakfast, so you better go to the kitchen where I put a bowl with balanced dog food for you." Brian said taking the puppy in his arms and kissing its head before leaving the puppy on the floor. "Come on, buddy! Go and eat!" Brian exclaimed but the puppy remained there looking at Brian and then it leaned against Brian's feet. "It seems that Sawyer still needs to learn some things for our living together."

"Leave him there, he's not bothering! Besides, I do think Sawyer decided to lean against your feet because he already considers you as his legit owner! I'm jealous!" You commented with a chuckle.

"Fine, I'll do it only because Sawyer is warming my feet." Brian joked while looking at the puppy and you laughed. Then he looked at you with a wide smile and bright eyes. "So, crazy pet owner, do you wanna have breakfast?"

"Hell yeah! I'm starving!" You exclaimed joyfully as Brian placed the tray on the bed between you and him.

"Good, because I'll force you to eat all of the cookies." Brian commented.

You automatically drifted your gaze to the bowl of chip cookies as to see what he was forcing you to eat. You didn't care about the cookies, because what struck you was a note that was inside the bowl. You looked up at Brian and he was smiling at you amused but also in a warm way. You chuckled softly and grabbed the note to see what it was about. It was Brian's handwriting and you noticed it was written in a hurried way, so he surely wrote it right before he came here with breakfast.

"No matter the place, the sun is always the same. No matter if it is a memory or something that will come. No matter how much money is in your pocket now, with nothing we have come and with nothing we'll go. No matter where you are, if you're coming or if you're going, life is a path, a path to walk. If there is something to hide or something to say, it will always be a friend the first to know. Because they will always be in me, those good moments we spent together not knowing that a friend is a light shining in the darkness. You'll always be my friend, nothing else matters."

When you finished reading what Brian wrote, you looked up at him and smiled fondly. He was looking deeply into your eyes with his bright eyes and a tender grin. You leaned to kiss his cheek and then you looked at him again.

"This is very sweet, Bri." You said softly.

"No, what you did was very sweet." Brian corrected you. "I've been acting like a jerk while you've been trying to talk to me about what happened; I walked away from you while you stood up for me to face my mother. I recently found out that a friend is truly a light shining in the darkness. You were always my light that was shining in the darkness I've been going through. You'll always be my friend and I hope to always be your friend."

"Of course you will always be, Brian; but not my friend, my best friend." You said with a wide grin. "Besides, we've already made our pinkie promise!" You said giggling and Brian snickered as his eyes twinkled.

"That's right." Brian said winking while still snickering. "Well, my Sunny, now we can start having breakfast that should actually be a lunch."

So Brian and you started drinking your coffees and eating the chip cookies; you haven't realized how hungry you were, you were eating like a pig. While having breakfast, Brian and you wouldn't stop joking and talking about random things, as the old times. The Brian who was in front of you now was very different from the Brian of days ago. He was now as cheerful and funny as he used to be at the beginning of the academic year, before he started having a lot of troubles. The twinkle in his eyes returned, so as his bright smile. And he didn't seem to be faking this; he really seemed to be happy now, just as you were longing to see. After breakfast, Brian left the tray on the nightstand and you started feeling a bit sleepy. How come? You've slept a lot and you woke up just few hours ago. So now you were lying in bed, resting your head on your pillow, while Brian was sitting on the bed, resting his back against the wall, letting you place your legs on his lap and the puppy dog was lying right next to Brian. You were looking fixedly at him, still feeling sleepy, while Brian was reading a book with his nerd glasses on.

"Brian?" You asked almost dreamily.

"Hmm?" He asked while still reading the book.

"I'm intrigued to know what you've been doing all this time we were distant. You used to spend all day long alone and away from here. What have you been doing?" You asked curiously. Brian closed the book and put it aside to look at you.

"Do you wanna know the truth?" Brian asked, taking off his glasses.

"Yes, only if you don't mind." You answered and Brian shook his head. You were glad he was willing to tell you.

"Well, I needed to be alone to think over about what happened; I was trying to forgive myself to be able to forgive you because I hated being distant with you, but at the same time I couldn't be near you because it hurt me. I missed you but I knew I had to be alone for a while, because I knew that if I stayed, I would hurt you as well. So I found lame excuses to be as far from here as possible." Brian started explaining while you were listening to him very intently. "And the only thing I was able to do to try to get out from the depression and confusion I was feeling was to write. So all this time, I've been in the campus where nobody would disturb me; all this time I've been writing." Brian said finally looking at you and you grinned lazily because, even though you were listening intently, you were feeling sleepy.

"Yeah, you told me that writing is your way to vent everything, so I guess it was a good thing. And what have you written about?" You asked intrigued.

"Umm, my mother." Brian responded in all honesty, now looking down, but not in a sorrowful way as he used to look the last days.

"Your mother? What about?" You asked shyly and a bit afraid you could sound a busybody. "I… I don't wanna be like a meddler, so if you don't want to say anything it's alright, sorry." You apologized even before Brian could say something. He looked up at you and frowned.

"Sunny, I won't think you're a meddler. I admitted it was me the one who acted wrong; I'm actually very glad you're interested in knowing what's happening to me; so don't apologize for that." Brian said softly with a warm and slight smile. "You're the only one who I trust and this is like a big deal for me. So… I won't tell you what I wrote." He said and you frowned in confusion because he contradicted himself. "Instead, I'll let you read it; if you want."

"Really? Brian, I'd love that." You answered with a candid smile.

"Okay." Brian whispered shyly but with a soft grin.

He placed his hands on your legs and you moved them so he'd be able to stand up. When he stood up he made a gesture as asking you to wait a minute and you nodded. He left the bedroom and after few minutes he returned with the laptop. He sat again on the bed and this time you sat right next to him. He searched for the file and then he placed the laptop on your legs, yet he remained close to you, so he'd also read what he wrote with you.

PROLOGUE

I will always be like a child for so many things, but one of those kids that from the beginning carry with themselves the adult, so that when the little monster really comes to adult comes to happen which in turn this little monster carries the child; and 'nel mezzo del cammin' a rarely peaceful coexistence, of at least two openings to the world, occurs. This can be understood metaphorically, but in any case it points to a temperament that has not given up puerile vision as the price of adult vision, and that juxtaposition that makes the poet and perhaps the criminal, and also makes the fictional person and humorist (matter of different dosage) manifests in the feeling of not being at all in any of the structures, of the cobwebs that compose life, in which we are both spider and fly. Much of what I've written is organized under the sign of eccentricity, since between living and writing I never admitted a clear difference, if by living I attain to conceal a partial interest in my circumstances, I cannot deny it in what I write since I write precisely not to be or to be half. I write for shortcoming, for dislocation; and since I write from an interstice, I'm always inviting others to seek their own and look by themselves the garden where trees have fruits which are, of course, gemstones. The little monster remains firm. This kind of constant game explains, if not justifies, much of what I've written or have lived. In my books is criticized an intellectual pursuit of the book itself. It bores me to argue a posteriori that, along this magical dialectic, an adult-child is struggling to top off the game of his life: that yes, that no, that in this one it is. Because a game, all things considered, is not a process that starts from a dislocation to reach a placement: golf, checkmate, Ollie Ollie oxen free? Is not it the fulfillment of a ceremony that marches to final crowning? And I like it, and I'm terribly happy in my hell, and I write. I live and write threatened by that laterality, by that true parallax, by always being a little more to the left or more to the bottom of where I should be to successfully consolidate everything in one more day of my life without conflict. Since very little I assumed, with clenched teeth, that condition which divided me from my friends and at the same time attracted them to the weirdo, the outcast, the one who stuck his finger in the fan. I wasn't deprived of happiness, the only condition was to match at times with other people who couldn't fit in their senses either; and it certainly wasn't easy, but soon I discovered the books in which I could imagine my own condition. In those years I could have recited to myself the perhaps apocryphal verses by Poe: From childhood's hour I have not been as others were; I have not seen as others saw; I could not bring my passions from a common spring; and all I loved, I loved alone.

When you finished reading the prologue, you were already frowning. The way Brian wrote was a bit confusing and you had to read the same lines several times to try to fully get what he was trying to express. Brian didn't say anything at all; he was silent, looking at the screen. Now that you understood, or thought you did, you could state there was so much depth in his words, regardless it was a short prologue. He basically wrote down all of his inner conflicts he has ever had since his childhood; right after his mother abandoned him; the troubles that her abandonment caused, practically forcing him to be a child-adult. And most importantly, you finally understood why Brian loved so much reading books or writing them; there was an explanation and you finally found it out. Books were his best way-out from the harsh reality he was going through; and for this same reason he has been writing about his mother the last days. After these things you realized, you started reading the next page. It wasn't divided into chapters; they were a sort of short texts, maybe poems, you still didn't know.

FANTASY ABOUT THE CHILD

There, in the forest where the willows weep, there is a forest clearing where the children's smiles show up as chrysalis, and from their lips butterflies with faint golden wings emerge. This is a beautiful show that adults are denied. Because only the childish look is able to perceive the brightness of gold dust that butterflies spread in their flight, which indicates the path they must follow to reach the forest clearing. This is the place where all children go when playing alone, and in it they compose songs commemorating the outbreak of the leaf that sprouts in the branch, or they talk to birds in the language of the wind. They build huts of clouds, and imitate the elephant sound. Their words are indecipherable lines of a hieroglyph in the eyes of adults, who perceive as a mystery the reason for those lonely laughs; because they're unaware that the child is currently playing in the butterflies clearing, next to other children. Place in which they once were, but they have forgotten. Once there was a boy who was born at the threshold of a bleak and dark atmosphere that resembled a war. When his mother was giving birth, bombs of grief were blooming in clusters on the sky. The first cry of the child was silenced by the sound of a bomb of an adult's cry. Once the attackers gave truce, the rubble dust adhered as a foil of sadness to the pupils of the men's eyes, without distinction of age or gender. It was as though the baby had been born with the eyes of an old man. And for years, vapors of blood and grief prevented, for a long time, the child retain the clear look; and were few the children who went to play to the Butterflies Clearing. The child with the eyes of an old man soon traveled to a place located on another reality. At school his classmates talked about the Butterflies Clearing, but, much as he tried, he was unable to distinguish the gold dust that leads there, although it has the habit of flying over the children's heads in order to attract them, even on those children who cannot distinguish it. He began to look for it in books, and he wasn't far wrong, because there are books that, though they're written by adults, only can have their origin in the eyes of the child, as though the eye still preserved that particular sensitive spectrum, able to distinguish the halite of the golden butterfly, which fades when the adolescence starts. During his childhood his health was delicate, so he had plenty of time to read. Butterflies fluttered the pages of his novels of adventures, of those wonderful illustrated fairy tales which had the majesty of a treasure chest. But he was only able to see his shadows on the paper, so he began to imagine the presence of goblins and elves, which were kind enough to keep him company during his convalescence. And when he finally returned to school, he no longer experienced anxiety when hearing about the Butterflies Clearing, because he never felt alone again. He always sensed the shadows of those fantastic creatures swinging around him. When he was an adult, he also went on to write, as those other authors who he had admired a lot. And one fine day, when finishing a storybook, he saw how the ink stem of one of his words was blooming, opening in four magnificent and shaky black petals, in which he thought he recognized the familiar shadow of an elf. However this time, his eyes began to fill with a golden glow. As though in the darkest night had burst the day. And finally the dust from the rubble of the war that had started on the day of his birth came off the pupils of his eyes. Since that day a golden glow painted his eyes, for so much it had been the butterflies' dust that had been accumulated on them, during the long days of convalescence and readings, when he believed enjoy the company of goblins and elves. His eyes sparkled with the spin of the saxophone. And he shone with childlike glee. So those who knew him were amazed that even though he was a giant, even though he had a stubble on his face, even though he was a grown boy now, the vitality and childhood were flaming in that man's eyes, which to them showed no signs of having aged, for it is much the dominance that the strength of our gaze holds on our appearance. And some people began to call him Dorian Gray. In all his life he never stopped writing, always with those golden butterflies in his fingers. So the child, who had never made it to reach the forest clearing where the willows weep, became for millions of readers on the path that leads to it.

After you finished reading, you remained looking at the screen for several minutes, trying to process everything that Brian has written. It was something really sad but at the same time wonderful, a strange feeling; and all the metaphors were fantastic, they made look something sad as something fanciful and less harsh; but if you knew how to read them, you could notice there was a huge melancholia and dejection in his past, things that at the end he turned into a good thing, into something special. The text was clearly divided into two stages: his childhood and his present; both of them were radically different. You wondered what could have changed his life for good. You looked into his eyes, as trying to see if he had those eyes of an old man as in his childhood, or if he had those eyes of a fervent and lively child. Brian wasn't looking at you, but when he finally did, you saw it: the eyes filled with a golden glow, shinning with childlike glee. Even if he looked tired and concerned because of his troubles, his eyes were sparkling and were radiating vitality; for it is much the dominance that the strength of our gaze holds on our appearance, as Brian wrote. That must be the twinkle in his eyes you could always see, you thought. Dorian Gray, you thought, maybe that was the reason why The Picture of Dorian Gray was one of his favorite books. And now you could entirely understand why he loved so much reading and writing. It was sad to think he had been so lonely and had felt so outcast and rejected because he was the weirdo with eyes of an old man, different from other children who were fully living their childhood, something he was denied; but it was good to think that something or maybe someone has changed it and turned him into the person who leads people to the forest clearing he could never reach.

"Are you now that person who became, through his books, into the path that leads to the forest clearing you never could reach?" You asked still looking deeply into his bright and green eyes.

"I wanna think so." Brian answered with a soft smile.

"How come? You've never published your books. How can you be the path if anyone or almost anyone has read your books?" You asked curiously, without sounding derogatory but sounding curious.

"Well, there's something I haven't told anyone and it's not precisely about my books." Brian admitted and you were even more curious. "Give me the laptop for a second. I wanna show you that." Brian said and you nodded, as Brian grabbed the laptop, placed it on his legs, searched for something and the placed it on your legs again. "Look, this is what I wanted to show you; that thing that allows me to be for many readers the path that leads them to the forest clearing."

You looked at the screen very intrigued and you saw a bunch of pictures of him. At first you couldn't understand, but as you kept looking the pictures you started understanding. In all of the pictures he was at some precarious but nice place, and in one of the pictures you could read the name of that place: Orchards Children's Services. He was always surrounded by children in different places inside and outside. The picture you liked the most was one in which he was being hugged by a lot of little kids while he was reading a book. Everybody, including Brian himself, was smiling brightly.

"Every Friday afternoon, right after I finish my course I go to Orchards Children's Services, that is an orphanage. I go as a volunteer to read some books I wrote to those children who have physical, behavioral and emotional disorders." Brian started explaining and you looked at him. He was looking at the pictures with a warm grin as his eyes were sparkling. "I think they like when they see me because they know they're gonna listen to someone reading them a book, something they've never got before." Brian commented with a bright and huge smile, still looking at the picture you liked the most. "And I like going there because I wanted to do some act of solidarity, to try to help children who might be feeling as I felt in my childhood; because I understand them, because somehow I've been there too, I know the feeling of abandonment and all the emotional suffering. If books helped me to make it, maybe books will help them to make it as well. It's my way to show them that no matter how rough and harsh the world can be on you, you can make it and you can still become the person you want to be; my way to show them that out there are other people who also felt as they feel, that they aren't alone. It was such my happiness to see them happy whenever I went there that this thing of going to the orphanage became a sort of routine." Brian commented finally looking at you. His eyes were really shinny and there was the twinkle again. You couldn't help smiling tenderly at him. "That's why I say I probably am for many readers the path that leads them to the forest clearing where the willows weep."

"I'm pretty sure you are, Bri. Look at them, they shine in happiness; and look at you, you are beaming with happiness by seeing them happy. How sweet is it?" You asked looking fondly at him. Brian just grinned shyly but sweetly. "I always thought that you were attending another course. Why haven't you told me that you were going to that orphanage?"

"Well, because I didn't want to flaunt what I was doing for those kids. I mean, I'm doing it because I really want to help those kids, not because I want to show people that I do things for other people. And also because that is not only helping those kids, but it's helping me too. I feel good when I go there." Brian answered in all honesty.

"I get it. Have I ever told you you're the most extraordinary and kind-hearted person?" You asked with a very fond smile, looking deeply into his bright green eyes. Brian just looked down, apparently feeling flattered and shy, and he grinned softly but it was a true smile. "I'd love to go there with you someday. Would you let me?" You asked and Brian looked at you.

"Would you really want to do it?" Brian asked with his eyes even brighter. You nodded, still beaming. "Well, I'd love if you join me someday. I'm sure they'll love you, Sunny." Brian said with a huge and sincere smile.

"What if next Friday I join you? We could write a book together and read it to them." You proposed.

"I'd really, but really, love it." Brian answered sweetly as his eyes twinkled.

It was very sweet the way he seemed to be very happy for your interest in going with him. You'd have never suspected that Brian was a volunteer on an orphanage and this was very nice from him. You weren't mad at him because he hasn't told you because you got his point; you were just amazed by the incredible person Brian was. You were glad to have a friend like him. After agreeing to go with him next Friday, you kept reading the other texts he has written.

QUESTIONS FOR MY MISSING MOTHER.

I stayed up all night trying to write an honest piece about my mother. All that came out were questions.

Were you an addict?

Or were you an alcoholic?

Were you both?

Is that why dad raised me?

Have I inherited an addictive personality from you?

Is that something I should worry about?

Was I depressed from the womb or could you have stopped it?

Why did dad fall in love with you?

How did you lose it?

When did you stop caring?

Did you ever?

When did you stop bathing?

When did you stop cleaning the house?

When did you look in the mirror and decide you weren't worth it?

Is that why you left?

Did you lose yourself?

Could you never find her to begin with?

Is it because you were adopted?

Did your real mom supply the void that you passed onto me?

Have you ever loved yourself?

Did you not have enough love to give to me?

Do you see things the way I do?

Do you see what's been lost?

Do you really think you tried your best?

Did you care that I didn't go to prom with anybody?

Did you know why I slept so much?

Did you know why I couldn't get out of bed and go to school?

Did you ever realize that I was too embarrassed to invite my friends over?

Or why I didn't want them to meet you?

Am I really a brat?

Or did you call me a brat because you couldn't give me what I needed?

Are you ever content?

Are you scared that it's too late?

Will you ever get out?

Will you ever be as radiant as you were in your wedding day pictures?

Will you ever be brave enough to start over?

Were you me when you were 20?

Were you full of fire and rock n roll?

Or were you interested on books and writing?

Will you ever write again?

When you finished reading it, you thought this was something very different from the way Brian used to write. It was something anybody could have written and there was none of the metaphors, comparisons or elaborated texts that Brian used to write. You though that he probably wrote this right away he saw his mother at Darren's apartment; those were questions to vent out all the confusion, sorrow and anger he was feeling. It wasn't a professional text, but it was an emotional text. Brian didn't mention anything, he just keep looking absently at the screen. So you read the next text.

MY FEELINGS TO YOU

Behind your shadow, I stand and fall. It's a tough battle in which I feel so small. My feelings toward you, you might think are dumb. Sad, upset, confused, angry, hurt and numb. When I needed a mom, you were not there to talk about girls or to fix my hair. Yes, you did call every once and while, but an ocean of tears hide behind this smile. Tormented, trapped and torn, my heart says I feel, eight years after I was born, my heart won't start to heal. I see other boys laugh with their moms; I go dizzy with swirls, and crash like a bomb. The anger in me, rages in fright, always staying angry, I just think I might. Time heals everything, I don't think that's true; I know something, time did not do. Time has been flying for a long while; I've always been trying to show a real smile. One thing that hurts and I don't know why, you moved far away and it makes me cry. When I think about this, to myself I lie: I've gotten over you, I would not try. You are my mother and I hardly know you. Every night I think of how my life could've been, tears run down my face and my world starts to spin. These past few years have been really hard; for the rest of my life I'll be severely scarred. It took me time to realize what you did to me; tears in my eyes, and you're clueless it seems. I try to be brave, it really hurts; you could've stayed instead of making it worse. I want you to know this, it's sad but it's true: you hurt your little boy. You ruined me, you made me cry, you really hurt me, and to laugh I try. There is a hole in my heart the doctor's don't see; I guess they don't know what my mom did to me. If you want me back, you have to prove you can be a mom to me. When I screamed for you, did you hear a sound? I guess you didn't, because you were never around. I will tell you something: you cannot forget, once you hurt your kid, it will soon come to regret. All those times I cried for you, you never came. Out of all the sports I played, you never showed up at one game. All of the awards I received, I never heard you clap. You were never there for me to sit on your lap. All the times I fell and scratched my knee, you were the one who wasn't there to comfort me. All those times I was bored and wanted someone to call, you still weren't there. Not there at all. I always tried to make you proud, hoping you would love me more; but you never seemed to care. So what did I even do it for? You weren't there for any of my firsts, might not be for any of my lasts. It's like you're not here in my present, just like you weren't there in my past. I try to move on, but no one knows how hard it is for your own mother not to love you. But I hold my head high to keep things from looking so bad; but deep down I still wish I had love from my mom and I wish I weren't the lost and forgotten boy.

When you finished reading the text Brian has written, you felt kinda bad for him because it was a really sad text. You glanced furtively at Brian and you found him looking blankly at the screen of the laptop with a sad expression on his face, but not crying or shedding tears; he just seemed sad, naturally. When Brian shifted his gaze, he caught you looking at him and he drew a sad half-smile on his face.

"That's all." Brian whispered, grabbing the laptop and standing up to leave the laptop on the nightstand.

When he stood up and walked to the nightstand, you took advantage to kneel on the bed and hug Brian from behind. Brian got surprised by this and you gestured him to sit on the bed. He did so and you sat behind him, resting your chin on his broad shoulder, grazing your nose across his neck and then kissing his cheek. Brian turned his face to look at you and your eyes met.

"I just wanted to let you know that you're not the forgotten boy, at least not for me." You said affectionately and Brian beamed slightly.

"I know, you always made me feel that." Brian said looking into your eyes and smiling in a very fond way.

Right after Brian said this, you practically forced him to rest his head on your left shoulder as you enfolded your arms around his waist, leaning against the wall. When Brian found a comfortable position, he dropped his weight on you, relaxing, as you started stroking his hair with one hand. You both stayed silent for a long time and you were feeling very sleepy because of the pill you took, but you needed to remain awake because you still had to talk to him about his mother. When you glanced at Brian, he was with his eyes closed, now he turned his body on his side and was wrapping his arms around you, snuggling up to you, still resting his head on your left shoulder. Was he asleep?

"Brian?" You asked softly, running your fingers through his hair.

"Hmm?" Brian mumbled. Well, fortunately he was still awake.

"All you've written these past days about your mother has helped you?" You asked a bit shyly.

"Sure it has. It helped me to clear up some things, to question myself other things and maybe think about other things." Brian answered, still with his eyes closed.

"And after you cleared up those things… Have you wondered whether you should see your mother again or not?" You asked very timidly. Brian finally opened his eyes and frowned, yet he didn't look at you.

"Yeah, I have." Brian answered in a whisper, and then he looked at you. "Why are you asking?"

"Umm, well… I was just wondering." You replied uncomfortable. Brian sat upright on bed in front of you.

"By now I know you pretty well, Sunny. You were not just wondering. So, I'll ask again…Why are you asking?" Brian asked looking fixedly into your eyes.

"Well, I was thinking that probably, as I see it, I believe you ought to see your mother again." You suggested very shyly and Brian looked at you in a way that made you feel very uncomfortable, as if he didn't like so much that comment. "Of course this is only my opinion… I don't wanna look like a meddlesome or something… You don't have to… It's just… I mean, I thought that maybe seeing your mother again could help you to clear things up even more… You could talk to her, ask her all the things you asked to yourself and maybe tell her all you've been feeling these years that you've been keeping inside. Perhaps it could be a positive thing…" You started rambling and babbling, trying to make it sound a bit better but the way Brian kept looking at you wasn't helping a lot. "It was just a suggestion, my opinion. Just that…" You added but Brian kept looking at you, squinting and looking at you suspiciously or something like that. "You know? Just forget that." You sighed, feeling terribly embarrassed, now looking down.

"Why are you suggesting me such a thing?" Brian asked suspiciously after an awkward silence.

"Well, because I think that finding out that your mother is still… alive… is a big deal. I mean, before meeting her that day, you were telling me that for a moment you felt the need of having your mother because you did grow fond of her, and now you have the chance to…" You started saying but Brian interrupted you.

"It was a big deal, yeah. But seeing my mother again, after 12 years… Seeing her again when I thought she was dead… It's not something positive. It devastated me, it broke me down; it dislocated me and it left me deranged. She was dead for me, yet she appeared from nothing without explanation in that insensate way. It wasn't a progressive thing I could have assimilated little by little; she appeared unexpectedly all of a sudden from... death!" Brian exclaimed disturbed, squinting and frowning, looking straight in your eye. You just looked down. "Now tell me, what chance do I have? Because it seems to me that nothing positive could come out from a woman who never cared and appeared from death after 12 fucking years."

"You have the chance to tell her all the things you've written about her; you have the chance to ask her the reasons why she appeared again from death after 12 years; you have the chance to ask her why she never cared. You have the chance to find out all of those unanswered questions, which could hugely help you to put an end to that stage of your life that doesn't allow you to move on, to heal the wound you never could heal. That's the chance you've got, Brian." You answered looking fixedly into his green eyes. "She's your mother after all."

"No, she's the woman who abandoned me. She's the woman who made me feel worthless and unloved all of these years. She's the woman who took away my entire childhood and adolescence. She's the woman who made me miss out certain stages in life, forcing me to live as an adult when I was still learning how to tie my shoelaces." Brian refuted you in an afflicted way.

"Maybe she regrets all of that. You wouldn't know if you don't talk to her. And if she doesn't regret, well, at least you'll be able to vent out all of that distress and angriness you've been feeling. You need to do it; not for her but for yourself." You said trying to sound as gentle as possible.

"You wouldn't understand. I can't do that, I can't see her again because it would tear me down; it would make me remember all the things she made me go through in my life during her absence. I'm still struggling with all of those problems she caused me, thus I can't see her again and worsen those problems. I already have to deal with so many responsibilities and troubles; I can't add one more to the list." Brian said distressed, now looking down.

"Brian, it comes a point in our lives when we have to put aside all of our fears and assumptions of what could happen if we do certain things or not about something that has hurt us deep down, and just take the risk of doing it for the only purpose of ending that dim stage who brought us too much pain. Sure it's something hard, sure it's something scary, sure it's something uncertain; but it may be the only thing that could allow us to really overcome the root of all our problems." You started saying softly, trying to look at Brian into his eyes, but he wouldn't stop looking down in a sad way. "Dealing with this situation can bring a lot of negative things as well as positive things; but it'll be mostly positive things, even if you can't see it that way. Let's talk punctually about your situation with your mother or the woman who gave you birth if you wanna call it like that." You said looking at Brian who was clenching his jaw with an afflicted expression on his face, looking down. "What kind of negative things can come to happen if you see her and talk to her again? Well, worst case, you would feel devastated because it made you remember all the bad things that happened to you, things you're still struggling with, as you said. You may also feel confused, frustrated, angry, distressed and disappointed; you may also feel how everything is falling apart. But you have me and I'm the person who's not gonna let you fall apart, who's gonna hold and comfort you, and who's gonna help you move on. You won't be alone." You said lovingly, now taking Brian's hand in yours, to make him look at you. When he looked up and your eyes met you noticed a sad but appreciative glare. "Now, what kind of positive things can come to happen if you see her and talk to her again? You would be able to ask her all the things you wondered since she abandoned you, you could get the answers you never got, questions that tortured your mind in those lonely nights when you needed her and she wasn't there; when you were afraid of telling your dad how you were really feeling; when you held back all of your feelings, fears, sadness, confusion and anger which led you to have all the problems you have now, as you said. You'd be able to vent it all out, to unburden the oppression you've been carrying all of these years, to tell her all you wanted to tell her but you never could, to clear up all your doubts and uncertainties, to understand the reasons why she left and why she returned now. You'd feel lighter, you'd feel how that burden disappears, you'd stop feeling insecure and confused, you'd face your fears to turn them into the solution of all your current troubles, you'd turn your uncertainties into certainties, into factual facts of how reality was and is. It could be tough and rough, but it'd be the reality and not assumptions based on your uncertainties. You'd have the chance to finally have an honest talk you always needed to have; you'd have the chance to have that talk with that person with who you've been talking in your mind; now face to face, without filter, without lies, and without repressed feelings. You would stop feeling weak to start feeling strong. But above all of that, you would be able to forgive from the heart that person who brought you too much pain in your life; and you would be able to forgive yourself for everything to start living your life as you always wanted but you never could because there was always something that was stopping you." You said softly, looking deeply into his green, sad and scared eyes which were looking at you intensely. "You would be able to forgive and be forgiven; because we all know that without forgiveness there's no humanity and there's no consistent solution. Because forgiveness is the renunciation of resentment, indignation or anger that bring you too many negative feelings that are not worth it to keep. Because forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong; you can forgive the person without excusing the act; forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. Because forgiveness is the hardest thing to do but is the only thing that will allow you to start from scratch with your mind clear and your heart healed. Because forgiveness is something that only softhearted and compassionate people do, and I know you're the most softhearted and compassionate person I know, Brian. You would be able to move forward and finally see all the beauty that this life has for you." You said sweetly, caressing smoothly his cheek as Brian's eyes filled with tears; so you leaned over to kiss his forehead before looking at him again, smiling fondly. "So, would you take the risk of seeing your mother again to talk to her or not?"

After you asked that, there was a long silence in which Brian looked down in a sad and troubled way, yet he let you keep holding his hand. You noticed how he bit his lower lip, how he clenched his jaw, and finally how he babbled some things you could not understand. After all of that, he looked up at you with confused eyes for a while and then he looked away again.

"You told me all of that and it was maybe accurate; and I thank you for that. But how can you tell me that if you haven't even talked to your father since that time in high school to forgive him as you're telling me to do with my mother? We have a similar situation: My mother abandoned me when I was eight and your father kicked you out when you were sixteen; I haven't seen my mother ever since and you haven't seen your father ever since; I've been feeling unloved since that time just as you've been feeling since that time. Yet you told me to do things that you wouldn't do because you're not capable of doing that, just as I'm not capable of doing that; because it involves a complete surrender, because it involves showing our impotence and our highest weakness, because we don't know what we have to do or say when we have the chance to be face to face with that person who has hurt us deeply. So how can you tell me to do all of that if you can't do it with your father either?" Brian asked, now looking deeply into your eyes, frowning.

You just looked at him astonished, raising your eyebrows with eyes wide open and open-mouthed. You couldn't believe that Brian was telling you something like that; you never expected him to tell you something like that. He, out of all people, was telling you something he was aware that was very hurtful for you. You frowned, bit your lips and looked down, finally letting out his hand. His words hurt you deeply, but at some point he was right. You were never capable of seeing your father since that time he kicked you out and told you the most hurtful things that a father can tell his daughter; you were never capable of talking to him; and you were never capable of forgetting and forgiving what he has done to you. You were never able to heal that wound and you were still hurt because of this. Yet you never imagined that Brian could bring back this that brought you too much pain. You couldn't say anything, you were just feeling really bad, but you didn't want to cry, not now, not in front of him.

"I'm so sorry, Sunny. I didn't mean that, I was just feeling frustrated and I took it out on you. I'm really sorry." Brian apologized, feeling extremely guilty, now taking your hand. Yet you didn't look at him and you remained silent for a long time.

"No, you're right." You answered in a whisper, still avoiding his gaze.

"No, what I said was wrong. Sunny…" Brian began to blame himself.

"No, Brian." You cut him off. "You're right. You're completely right. I'm not one to tell you what to do because I'm a coward myself, because I'm weak and I'm not capable of doing all of the things I told you to do. That was hypocritical of me."

"No, Sunny! No..." Brian exclaimed distressed and very guilty.

"Yes, Brian." You cut him off again. You finally looked up at him and you saw his eyes filled with guilt. "But do you know why I told you to do that? It's because there's a difference between your mother and my father. Your mother returned only to talk to you, to see you, to try to fix things with you, to try to make up for the lost time, to apologize to you for all the suffering she caused you, to try to be for you that mother she never was. I don't know if that is a positive or negative thing, but she returned. Instead, my father never showed interest in seeing me again to apologize and make up for all the suffering he caused me when he kicked me out, telling me I wasn't his daughter to him. If your mother returned, whether for bad or good reasons, embrace it and take advantage of this chance you have; do it for me that I never had that chance I'd love to have. Don't let go this chance you have that I'd love to have. That's just my advice, you can take it or not, I'm not gonna force you."

Right after you said this, a profound silence invaded the bedroom and you were feeling like crying because a lot of bad memories came back to your mind, memories that you didn't want to remember because they were one of the things that could make you feel really weak, that was your weak spot. You knew Brian was trying to say something because he was stammering; but you didn't want him to talk, you just needed to leave the bedroom, you needed to lock yourself in the bathroom where you could shed those tears you were strongly holding back. Without uttering a word, because the lump in your throat wouldn't allow you to do so, you moved your hand away from Brian's and, without even looking at him; you stood up and started walking to the bathroom. Now that you were giving your back to Brian, you allowed yourself to shed some silent and distressing tears, hoping he wouldn't notice. When you were about to reach the door of the bedroom, firm and gentle arms enfolded your waist from behind to not let you go away. You were feeling too weak to sneak out, so you let Brian hold you; yet you didn't turn your face to look at him, you didn't want him to see you crying. And Brian knew you, he knew he shouldn't look at you, he knew he shouldn't push you to look at him; so he just rested his chin on your shoulder and he nuzzled your neck with his nose, very smoothly and slowly. You tilted your head to one side to let him do what he was doing, because that was a nice and tender gesture; when you did this, Brian kissed very lightly your jaw as you kept weeping in silence, now closing your eyes. Right after, Brian moved his mouth to your ear and he brushed his lips on it.

"I'm so sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have compared your situation to mine, because it's not the same. But mostly, I'm sorry for the way I made you feel." Brian whispered mildly in your ear and you shed more tears in silence. Then Brian nuzzled your neck with his nose before moving his mouth to your ear again. "But listen… I didn't know where my mother was and I thought she was dead after 12 years I haven't seen her. There was no way that someday I was ever going to have the chance to meet her again to forgive and be forgiven as you said. Your father is still alive and you know where he is. If I got this impossible chance, then why wouldn't you ever have the same chance? There's still hope for you to forgive and be forgiven. I strongly believe that someday you'll see your father again and you'll heal that wound; and if not, you'll always have me and I'll try my best to help you heal that wound. But you'll get it, because I believe in you." Brian whispered kindly in your ear before kissing lightly your earlobe, still holding you tightly in his arms. "And I'm gonna meet my mother again only because of you; because I know you want the best for me. So, if you think this is the best for me, I'll do it, even if it's hard, even if I don't feel ready, even if I'm scared. I'll do it." Brian whispered in your ear and you opened your eyes, surprised for what he said.

You first wiped your tears away and then you turned around to be face to face with Brian. When you first saw him, he had his eyes closed, but when you finally turned around he looked deeply into your eyes, with that particular twinkle. He kept wrapping his arms around your waist and you placed your hands on his shoulders.

"Will you really do that?" You asked in a whisper. Brian's eyes were piercing yours and his eyes twinkled.

"Yes." He assured with a faint smile, maybe a scared and unsure smile, but a determined one. "Only on one condition."

"What condition?" You asked, now looking at him suspiciously.

"If you come with me." Brian answered bluntly, looking intensely into your eyes.

"Brian, no… I can't be there. This is something that you and your mother have to talk in privacy. This is something you have to do alone." You said resolute.

"But I need you there." Brian said looking at you exasperatedly.

"No, you don't need me there. You can do this alone. Don't feel scared; just believe that you can do this alone. You can, Brian, I believe in you." You assured looking fixedly into his scared and desperate green eyes.

"No, Sunny, please, I beg you." Brian said desperately, now placing his hands on your cheeks and looking piercingly into your eyes. "I beg you, Sunny, come with me because I need you. I need to be with the one person who can make me feel safe; with the one person who's gonna encourage me to enter wherever we're gonna meet, the one person who's gonna make sure that I'm not gonna run away because of my fears. I need to be with the one person who's not gonna let me bring down if things get bad. I need you there, just to feel there's someone who cares about me when the time to face my biggest fear and weakness comes." Brian said despairingly with trembling voice and sad and eager eyes. You remained silent, looking deeply into his eyes, not knowing what to do now. A long and profound silence invaded the bedroom. "Sunny, I beg you. Do this for me, please; it's the only thing I'm asking you. You don't even have to talk, you don't even have to listen if you don't want; just be there next to me. Please."

"Fine." You finally agreed with a sigh because you couldn't refuse after all he told you. Right after, Brian pulled you into a very tight hug. "Brian, you're choking me!" You giggled softly and Brian stopped hugging you to hold both of your hands and kiss your cheeks repeatedly. "Stop or I'm gonna take my words back!" You exclaimed jokingly and Brian stopped abruptly to look at you with bright eyes and an amused smirk, yet he kept holding your hands.

"Thank you, Sunny. This means a lot." Brian said now smiling fondly at you and you smiled back at him. It was good to have him back.

---

"Come on, Joey, I wanna go out. I don't wanna stay inside. Come on!" I exclaimed hasty, throwing a cushion in his face because he was still sleeping and it was already 12 am.

"Fuck you, Criss. Let me sleep." Joey grumbled, annoyed, covering his whole body with the quilt.

"You sucker! You won't sleep anymore. We have free time and we shouldn't be wasting it staying inside. It's lame and boring and we should have a blast outside, where all the interesting things happen. So, move your ass, Richter, let's go kick it." I said kind of bossy, uncovering him and pulling him out the bed.

"You know what I'm gonna kick? Your ass! Your ass, Criss! You fucker!" Joey grumbled trying to punch me while I started laughing because he was obviously failing because he was still half asleep.

"Shut the fuck up and let's just have a ball where the action is: in downtown!" I exclaimed excited.

"Why are you so hyped up, man?" Joey growled, frowning and looking at me with sleepy eyes but already awake.

"Because we're gonna get a kick out of our totally awesome day in downtown!" I exclaimed in a hyper way.

After that I walked to my own room to change my clothes. Truth was I wasn't doing this for a random reason because I woke up feeling like having a blast; I was doing this because after thinking over and over, I decided that I needed to change something and that change involved Freckles. Since she appeared again I had really good times with her but, contradictorily, I was also spending less time with my friends, which was truly bad. Before she appeared again I used to have a blast with them, just chilling out and hanging out; something that now barely happened. I wasn't blaming her, but I needed to think about my own amusement too. Besides I was all the time thinking about her and I didn't want that; I needed to enjoy my time in college because I loved college. But if there was a main reason, it was because I wanted to take off of my mind the picture of her and Brian together; whether they would be together or not, I needed to find someone else, just to have fun.

"Are you ready yet?" Joey asked when I left my bedroom.

"Hell yeah! Let's kick it!" I exclaimed absurdly excited.

Fortunately, downtown wasn't away from where we lived. I actually didn't have a plan and I really didn't know where to go, but I convinced Joey anyway. We tried to convince our other friends, but they all were busy. At the request of Joey we first stopped by a snack bar to get some junk food for lunch. Junk food, hell yeah. We both ordered a double-patty bacon cheeseburger to eat them while walking to see if we could find a cool place to go. It was an amazing Sunday, so lots of people were walking around, just bullshitting. Joey found a pretty cool place called Vault of Midnight where we stopped to fanboy over the most awesome comics ever. Of course I got distracted with the Avengers comic and Joey with the Iron Man comic. We both bought those and we also bought two new board games, Trivial Pursuit and Pictionary. After that we found an arcade place called Pinball Pete's that was underground, something that made it even more awesome. Holy shit I fucking loved this place. We first played a racing game, Daytona USA; a gun game called Point Blank; then we played a weird, rhythm-based air hockey kind of game called Flash Beats; and finally we played Dance Dance Revolution, in which Joey won me.

"Aha! Take that, Criss! I fucking won you! You're a loser, Criss! Loser!" Joey yelled victoriously in front of a lot of people, what made me feel even more annoyed. Of course everybody looked at our direction and of course I wanted to hit Joey straight in his face.

"Did I hear Criss?" A girl's voice suddenly asked behind me.

When I turned around I saw a pretty girl with olive skin tone, blue eyes, brown wavy hair, and defined voluptuous lips. She was smiling at me widely and of course I smiled back at her. She looked really hot today with those tight red jeans and that low-cut and almost transparent white shirt; yet she looked classy and not like a hooker. And she wasn't alone; she was with another girl, apparently her friend. Her friend was also really pretty and sexy; she was tall, thin, she had long straight blonde hair and brown eyes. Her friend looked like a hot model. I walked towards her, still with a bright and cheery smirk and of course Joey followed me because I saw how he checked out her friend.

"February!" I exclaimed cheerfully.

"Darren." She greeted with the same amazing smile before hugging me.

When she hugged me I got strained, not because I didn't like the idea of her hugging me, but because it made me remind of Freckles and the way she hugged me the first time we met in college. Dammit, I needed to stop thinking about those things. So, I just chilled out and grinned again before looking at February.

"What a coincidence! I never thought I could meet you in a place like this." I said cheerfully and amused.

"Oh, haven't I told you? I love arcade places!" February exclaimed joyfully with a bright grin, showing all of her perfect and white teeth. Jeez! She had a really amazing smile. "And I'm kind of an expert when it comes to play Dance Dance Revolution. I'd even beat your friend, who apparently won you." She said amused, looking at Joey and then looking at me.

"Uh, it seems that someone is challenging me. I fucking love challenges!" Joey commented amused and February giggled. "I'm Joey, by the way, friend with this dork guy next to me." Joey commented jokingly, pointing me.

"I'm February. And this is my friend, May." February said introducing her friend as I looked at them both very amused.

"Oh! May, like the month but a person." I joked in the same way February joked the day we met. Of course February laughed and so did May. "What's this, by the way? Some kind of clan in which only people with month names belong? Cause I wouldn't like to feel left out. I'm seriously considering changing my name to August." I joked and both February and May looked at me frowning slightly. Crap, maybe that wasn't funny.

"Are you mocking us?" May asked frowning and squinting in suspicion and I started babbling, feeling very awkward.

"That's highly offensive." February commented very serious, raising an eyebrow and I wanted to disappear. Damn, I was feeling super uncomfortable. "Do you have any idea of how many people mock us because of our names? And I never thought that you could ever do the same than the rest. I'm very disappointed."

"I... I... I didn't mean that in a derogatory way. I... I was... It was just a joke; I thought it could be funny." I stammered like a real idiot, feeling completely embarrassed.

"Well, it wasn't funny. You should have known it. Would you like people to make fun of you because of your name? It's just not nice." February said very serious, still raising an eyebrow.

"I'm tired of people making fun of us. February, I thought you said he was nice." May commented bitterly.

"I was just joking, and now I know it was a bad joke. Sorry. I... I didn't mean..." I said completely ashamed, now looking down and wanting to disappear.

Dammit, why was I all the time screwing things up? Joey, next to me, was feeling just as uncomfortable as me because he chuckled softly when I made that stupid joke, but at least he didn't say anything stupid as I did. Now the silence between us was absolutely abysmal and the situation was fully fraught. It was like this until I heard the boisterous laughter of the two girls. When I looked up they were looking at me very amused, still laughing out loud; they were trying to say something but the laughter wouldn't allow them to talk. What was this, man? Why were they laughing?

"Oh gosh, Darren!" February finally exclaimed in between giggles as I was looking at her frowning in confusion. "We were kidding!" February exclaimed again while laughing. "I'm surprised that a student of theater as you still cannot differentiate one of my typical performances. This is the second time I got to fool you! I'm so sorry! Most of the time I'm fooling around, I can't help it!" February said looking at me, now not laughing but still smiling very amused.

Joey was the first one to burst out laughing, and then I started to laugh, feeling more relieved and also feeling a bit stupid. I still couldn't get used to be fooled and mocked, because it was me the one who usually fooled people with stupid and silly jokes. This girl was like the female version of me, which was weird but maybe awesome.

"I kneel before you and I bow my head in admiration for being the people who can fool the dork instead being fooled by him! Girls, you've earned my deepest respect. From now on I'm at your service." Joey suddenly exclaimed amused, bowing his head and kneeling before February and May like a real dork, but this made them laugh.

"Whoa! I feel like a real idiot right now, man." I said, shaking my head and looking down, but with an amused smirk.

"You shouldn't feel like one, buddy. You're one, Darren, you are." Joey commented serious, patting my shoulder as the girls chuckled.

"Shut up, jerk." I nudged him playfully. Then I looked at February and May again. "Girls, do you have any kind of plan? Cause we were about to go to Chelsea Lanes, and it'd be cool if you join us with some beers and bowling." I proposed.

Yeah, I really wanted to spend more time with them. Well, actually with February, because I was really interested in knowing her more, she seemed to be a cool and very funny girl besides she was very pretty and sexy; and I was sure we could have a good time together. Moreover, this could be a good excuse to hang out with other girls who weren't my friends or… Freckles. I knew Joey wouldn't mind if they joined us, because I knew he was interested in May, judging by the way he looked at her; he liked her. I saw how February looked at May, as asking her if she wanted that or not.

"You have no idea how much I want a beer right now." May commented with a mischievous smirk and I noticed how Joey looked straight at her lips; so I had to try my best not to laugh.

"I definitely want." February agreed very excited. "So, what are we waiting for? Let's roll some bowling balls and get some strikes!" She exclaimed very joyfully. Damn, I loved her enthusiasm and cheerfulness.

So we all left Pinball Pete's and started walking to Chelsea Lanes. In our way we kept talking and joking a lot. It was awesome the fact that February seemed to have almost the same sense of humor than any of my friends, or even the same than mine. And girls with sense of humor turned me on. Joey wouldn't stop smiling brightly and looking at May like a fool; I couldn't remember the last time Joey was too into a girl like he seemed to be into May, and that was certainly a good thing because he hasn't been with a girl since that hook up in Chicago in summer. At one point, the funny and sexy girls stopped at the window display of a clothing store to check out something; in that moment Joey took advantage to walk towards me to whisper something.

"Where have you met these girls, dude? Holy shit, they're hot, especially May." Joey whispered and I laughed softly, so the girls wouldn't suspect we were talking about them.

"I met May today, I only knew February. She attends Costume Design and once we had to do some kind of group assignment and Freckles wasn't there, so February and I started talking. She's pretty cool, isn't she?" I whispered amused, smiling like a fool.

"Pretty cool? She's totally awesome and her friend May is more like supermegafoxyawesomehot!" Joey exclaimed, still in a whisper. "Let's make a deal. You move on February and I move on May." Joey proposed and I laughed again.

"Isn't it a bit too soon to move on them? I mean, we first need to get to know them more." I said with an amused smirk.

"Oh, come on! Fuck that, Criss! Since when too interested in knowing a hot girl more before moving on her? Do I have to remind you your experience with Kelly?" Joey asked, raising an eyebrow while looking fixedly at me.

"That was an exception. It only happened once in my darkest time." I answered in all honesty. But, on the other hand, I was really interested in February, like I really wanted to move on her.

"Bullshit, buddy. Well, you do whatever you want; as for me, I'll put the moves on May cause she's a knockout, man!" Joey exclaimed in a whisper, looking at May. I could swear he was almost drooling and that was hilarious. "But for the record, I want to let ya know that February is smoking hot and she could help you to get over Freckles once and for all. You gotta meet new chicks, dude."

"What are you saying? I'm not even into Freckles; that was in the past, man. I got over her since… since a long now." I said now frowning and feeling a bit annoyed. Because… What the hell? Why did he have to mention something like that?

"Sure, buddy, sure…" Joey said rolling his eyes. "I just want to remind you the way Freckles acts around Brian, man; the way she is so desperate to get him back. If you're not over her and you want to get her back, just do something before it's too late, cause I don't know why I have this feeling they could have something if you don't hurry. But, if you say you're over her and you're not into her… Then why would you let go a hot girl as February is? I think the chick is into you, buddy; and you gotta move on someday." Joey whispered in all seriousness.

After that, we couldn't talk anymore because the girls walked towards us again to keep moving to get to Chelsea Lanes. Joey, of course, stepped closer to May and they started walking ahead of me and February; and of course Joey was joking all the time to make her laugh. It seemed that May also liked him and that was good. In the meantime, I was walking next to February while talking; I forgot she talked as much as me; she was a good company. Truth is she didn't make me feel uncomfortable in any moment, she made me feel as if we were lifetime friends; it was remarkable how sassy and outgoing, chatty and sympathetic she was; and she was all the time smiling cheerfully. I could also notice that she tended to touch people while talking to them because she wouldn't stop touching my arm or nudging me playfully when I joked; and that didn't bothered me; on the contrary, I really enjoyed that. And she was making me forget about Freckles, as it happened the first day we met; she seemed to have that ability and that was a good thing. When we arrived to Chelsea Lanes, we fortunately found an available place, because that place was crowded. We rented bowling shoes and February and I ordered tacos and beers for everybody as Joey was apparently explaining May how to play bowling. Of course Joey insisted to team up with May and May accepted right away; so I was going to team up with February.

"Are you ready to lose, guys? We're gonna beat the crap out of you!" February exclaimed jokingly and also challengingly, as I laughed out loud. Truth was I never was good at bowling, but February said it so convinced that maybe she was good at it.

"We will see that, I'm the king of bowling. And this gorgeous lady and I are gonna beat you." Joey said jokingly and also took advantage to flirt with May. I've never seen him flirting this much with someone and May apparently liked it, because she wouldn't stop smiling at Joey and looking at him in a flirty way.

Like this, the game began. Joey was the first to roll the bowling ball and of course he got a strike, making fall all the pins in the first throw; I'd never deny he was good at it. As a way to celebrate, May ran to Joey and hugged him and of course Joey hugged her back; well, I thought there was chemistry between them and February was surely thinking the same because she looked at them with an amused smirk, then looked at me and winked before laughing out loud as I laughed along with her.

"Well, losers, it's your turn. I'm afraid to inform you're gonna lose and we're gonna win." Joey said mischievously and defiantly.

"Oh, Joey!"February exclaimed amused while standing up."Don't count your chickens before they hatch."She said also defiant with an amused smirk while putting her fingers in the holes on the ball."Now watch this and learn what a good bowling player is."

February got in the position, aimed for the center pin down the lane, swung her arm back, then forward and then she let go of the ball. The ball was going directly to the center pin and… Strike! She got a fucking strike! Joey dropped his jaw and frowned, crossing his arms and looking away; as I ran to February to give her a high five.

"Hell yeah! Take that, Richter!" I exclaimed very amused. "You're the best, February!" I exclaimed now looking at her as I hugged her while she was laughing.

"We're gonna rock this game, Darren!" February exclaimed very excited while we were still hugging.

Uh-huh, she smelled so good and her embrace was feeling really warm. Oh, and the sound of her cheery laughter in my ear. Jeez! I couldn't stop hugging her now. Maybe Joey was right, maybe I should try to move on February; she was pretty and funny, and very nice… and she really knew how to hug someone. When I heard Joey explaining May how she had to grab the ball was the moment when I stopped hugging February. And then I saw her face, the brightness of her grin and her stunning blue eyes. I was feeling attracted to her; I couldn't believe I was feeling attracted to another girl that wasn't Freckles.

"Wanna go there and drink a beer with me?" I asked almost in a whisper, looking and smirking seductively at her.

"Oh yes, I'd love that." She answered with another seductive grin.

So I took the boldness to hold her hand and she let me do so, so I grinned even more widely. I led her to the table and I ordered two more beers as I started flirting with her, not paying attention to the game; after all, Joey was explaining May how to play.

"You look really hot today." I said looking very seductively into her blue eyes.

"Oh, thank you, mister. You look sexy too." February said, winking at me with a mischievous smile. Oh, so she was flirting with me? This was a good sign.

"Well, I hope to be at your level. Right now I must be the luckiest guy cause, out of all the guys in here; I'm the one who has got the chance to talk to such a gorgeous girl." I said in a flirty way, not taking my eyes off her and taking a sip of my beer. This made her smile widely.

"Uh-huh, I'm feeling very flattered." She commented with a big grin. "Is there any specific reason why you are saying such lovely words?" She asked with a sensual look while taking a sip of her beer.

"None. It's just that my mom taught me to always tell the truth, so that's what I'm doing." I answered with a flirty wink as February burst out laughing.

"Well, it turns out that my mom also taught me to always tell the truth. So, it's only fair if I tell you that I'm the luckiest girl around cause, out of all the girls in here, I'm the one talking to such a sexy and… silly and funny guy. So I think I got the prize." February commented in a very flirty way. "So, summing up, we're both lucky people because we got the chance to be with each other. What will we do with that now?" She said with that sensual and piercing look, smirking seductively before nibbling her lower lip. Damn, she knew how to seduce someone; now I couldn't take my eyes off her mouth.

"Oh well, we have two options. Either we keep talking and enjoying our mutual presence or we take a step forward and move to the next stage. The first option is safer and more familiar, it's in the face of the known, so then it'll be something nice and pleasant. But on the other hand, the second option is risky and adventurous, something uncertain; it's in the face of the not known, but it could be fun and mysterious. It all depends on if you like usual situations or if you like risky situations." I said with a mischievous smirk, looking fixedly into her blue eyes.

The three beers I already drank were making me be more jaunty and sassy, as well as flirty. But I liked that because it's been a while since the last time I flirted this much with a girl and I forgot how funny and entertaining this was. Besides, what was wrong with flirting with a pretty and sexy girl? It wasn't like I wanted to use her, I was really interested in her; and for the first time in a long a girl was attractive to me.

"Uh, I love risky things. It's exciting." February said raising an eyebrow in a very seductive way. Man, she was starting to drive me crazy. "So, how do we take a step forward and move to the next stage, eh?" She asked almost in a whisper, moving closer to me and staring at my lips.

"We could start by going somewhere quieter and more private, so then I can show you how to proceed." I whispered very flirty and seductively in front of her lips while staring her eyes. We were very close and I was going too fast, but I wanted this now; I wanted her.

"What if you show me right now where we can go?" February asked in a whisper, getting even closer, so I felt her breathing against my lips. Shit, that was huge turn on for me. Now I really wanted to leave this place and take her to my apartment or somewhere we could be alone.

"Hey, Criss, it's your turn!" Joey suddenly shouted, totally breaking the moment and climax that February and I were having. Fuck you, Joey!

Right after Joey shouted, February moved her face away, looked away and took a sip of her beer, to pretend that nothing was going on between us. I couldn't tell if this was a good or bad sign, or if it was just indifferent. And I wished someone could have covered Joey's mouth. Damn, right when I was about to move on her! I looked down and huffed in annoyance before looking at February again. When I looked at her, she was already looking at me and she smiled and winked, so that made me smile as well. I stood up and walked to grab a ball, but something suddenly stopped me: My phone was buzzing; it was an incoming call from… Brian. Brian? Right! I asked him to let me know how Freckles was. Shit… Why did he have to call right now?

"Umm, February? Would you mind to take up my place?" I asked, still looking at my phone.

"What? No! That's cheating!" Joey exclaimed in disbelief and altered, so I shot him a withering look.

"I must pick up this call, Joey. This is important." I clarified and Joey nodded, maybe he got what I was trying to say.

"Well, sure, Darren; don't worry." February said with a kind grin and I nodded to thank her.

I quickly walked away from February, Joey and May to be able to talk to Brian in private. I managed to leave the building, I leaned against the wall and I looked around to check if someone was around or if someone could hear me. I didn't even know why I was doing this, but I did it. Then I finally picked up the call.

"Hi, man!" I greeted.

"Hi, buddy!" Brian greeted almost cheerfully. Maybe he had good news for me, but what kind of good news could they be? "Are you busy or something? Because I can call later if you want." He said and I frowned.

"No, I'm not busy at all." I answered. "Sorry it took so long for me to pick up the call; I was just talking to... Joey." I lied and I had no fucking idea why I lied to him. "How are you, man?" I asked, playing dumb. I knew why Brian was calling, but I didn't want to ask for Freckles, he should be the first telling me.

"I'm actually really good, thanks for asking." Brian said politely and I remained silent. I didn't know why lately I couldn't have a fluent conversation with him; it wasn't like this before. "And I was calling precisely to thank you, buddy." Brian said in a kind way and I smiled very slightly but I remained silent. Why would he thank me? "First of all, I wanted to thank you for all you did last night, thanks to you Sunny is doing fine now. So thanks for staying and taking care of her, thanks for telling me she wasn't doing well, and thanks for helping me in that moment. She's getting better and the fever is gone, yet she still needs to rest; but I'm sure she's gonna be completely fine tomorrow; there's nothing to worry about." Brian started explaining me and I was just very silent listening to him. Well, he didn't forget to let me know about Freckles, but right now I wasn't feeling like knowing about her… about her and him. "I'd put her on the phone because she wanted to talk to you; I don't know about what, she wouldn't tell me, but she really wanted to talk to you. Unfortunately she fell asleep because of the pills she's taking, but she'll surely call you in the morning." Brian said and I frowned, looking at the floor.

Freckles wanted to talk to me? What about? I wouldn't stop thinking about all the possible options. Did she also want to thank me for taking care of her? Or did she want to talk to me about Brian? What if she wanted to talk about something related to Brian? This made me question other things… Would Brian and Freckles have talked about them and their friendship? Would Brian have confessed her his feelings? Would Freckles have told him her feelings? Were they still friends or more than that? Were they still distant or have they already talked? Damn, so many questions and I couldn't talk.

"Buddy, are you still there?" Brian suddenly asked and I bit my lips before answering.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm still here. I was just listening to you, I didn't want to interrupt." I lied; obviously I would never tell him that I was wondering a lot of things about him and her. It was time to pretend that everything was cool, to act as naturally as possible. "Man, you really don't have to thank me for those things; I really didn't do much, you did almost everything. If it wasn't because of you, she wouldn't be better. Thanks for letting me know how she is; hopefully she'll be completely fine by the morning as you said. And well, yeah, she can call me in the morning if she wants to talk; she has to rest as you said." I commented a bit uncomfortable, not wanting to really talk about this with him.

"Yes, I'll tell her you said so, buddy; because her words were that she had to tell you very important things." Brian commented and this made me suspect even more. What the hell could she tell me to be as important as Brian mentioned? "Now, I really, but really wanted to thank you for talking to me last night about what happened that day I saw my mother. Yesterday I was trying to assimilate everything and I was too surprised that I couldn't talk to you to thank you. First, thanks for having been honest with me and having told me how things were; then thanks for having told me what Sunny did for me that day. If it hadn't been thanks to you, I wouldn't have talked to her and we'd have been still distant. But now, thanks to you, everything is different and thanks to you, now Sunny and I..." Brian started telling as my heart was beating fast because of my nervousness.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what Brian had to tell me. When I heard him saying 'Thanks to you, now Sunny and I...' I knew that nothing good for me could come out of this. What if what Brian wanted to tell me 'Now Sunny and I are dating'? It could be a possibility, a possibility that I didn't like at all. Fuck, why did I tell him what Freckles did that day?

"Sunny and I are together…" Brian said and my heart skipped a beat; so then maybe my assumptions were certain. "… again as we used to be, if not even better. I think this helped us to say all of those things we never said and needed to be said, so this made grow our relationship. I guess that, after all, what everybody says is true when they say that something good always comes out from something bad." Brian said giggling softly, apparently he was happy.

What the hell, man? No, fuck no! What the fuck was Brian trying to say? Were they together? Has Freckles told him what she was feeling for him, then? He mentioned about their relationship, what kind of relationship? Couldn't he be clearer? And I didn't dare to ask him.

"And I owe this all to you." Brian said and he made a pause, but I didn't utter a single word. What would I tell him? 'I am happy because you're together now'? No, I wouldn't tell such a lie. "So thanks, buddy; I don't know how I'll return all you've done. And this is crazy, because two years ago I would have never said this…" Brian commented with a short chuckle, but I couldn't laugh, I couldn't laugh at all. "But I'm glad to have a friend like you, dude." Brian commented and he seemed to be honest.

Yet, I didn't say anything at all; therefore there was a very awkward silence. I should say something, but I couldn't say anything. I was feeling bad because I couldn't say the same thing, and not because he was an asshole and not because I didn't consider him as a friend, but because I couldn't stop picturing him and Freckles together and I didn't like that.

"Are you still there, man?" Brian asked again. He was surely expecting me to say something as I was glad too or shit like that. What the fuck was I going to say now?

"Oh yeah, sorry. I…"I started saying very unsure. I needed to say something, he was telling me something nice, I couldn't be an asshole and ignore his comment, even if I couldn't say the same thing as him, I had to comment something about it. "I was just surprised by what you said." I finally said. Surprised? You sucker! I could've said something better. "It is… It's cool to know that… And I'm glad too… You know, to have a friend… like you." I commented awkwardly, trying to make it sound as honest as possible. "And… And you don't have to thank me, bro. I am… I'm glad I helped you somehow… And well, it was… It was the least I could do after making that mistake..." I said in a very awkward way again. Shit, I was never like this. "So… Umm…" I started babbling. I needed to know if Freckles told him that she was starting to fall for him or something like that. I really needed to know. "So, umm, you knew only what I told you. But…Has Freckles told you in person… that she loves you?" I asked with all my guts. There was a short uncomfortable silence, but finally Brian spoke.

"Yeah. Yes, she told me that." Brian answered and he seemed to be really happy about this.

Fuck no. Shit, shit, shit! I couldn't believe Freckles told him. Holy crap. So surely what Brian meant when he said they were together was that they were together like dating, or in a romantic relationship, or even worse, in a committed relationship.

"And… You told her you loved her?" I asked while gulping.

"Uh, yeah… Yes, we forgave each other and we clarified everything, so yes." Brian answered and I bit my lips and gulped.

"I see…" I commented almost in a whisper. "Well, I'm glad it worked out for you, guys." I lied. Yes, I lied, but I needed to say something nice not to seem an asshole. "Well, err, I… I really have to go now, man. So… I guess I'll see you around." I said because I was desperate to end this conversation.

"Yes, sure! Send my regards to Joey. And again, thanks, dude. I guess both Sunny and I are very grateful for what you did to help us to get back together. So, don't think I'll forget what you did." Brian commented and I stayed silent. Damn, could he stop reminding me that they were together now?

"Sure, man. Well, see you around." I said quickly and I finally hung up before Brian could say something more.

Fuck Brian. Fuck Freckles. Fuck them. They were fucking together now and I was the jerk who made this possible. I shouldn't have said anything to Brian last night; I shouldn't have told him what Freckles did and said that day. Jerk, I was a complete jerk. But whatever. I didn't need Freckles. Why would I want her if she was interested in Brian? Why would I go after a girl who wanted another guy? What the fuck was wrong with me? Freckles wasn't anyone too special; she was just my ex-girlfriend. Yes, that: my ex. I was a damn fool! I let go a lot of chances to be with other chicks only because I was after Freckles. What did Freckles have that any other chick couldn't have? Nothing. And I had February. Yes, I had her; and I liked her and she liked me. So yeah, screw Freckles, I didn't need her. Now, more than ever, I was decided to move on February, to seduce her and make her mine, because I really liked her; she was hot and funny, I was really attracted to her. So, more self-confident than ever, I walked inside to be with my friends and have a damn blast with them. When I was walking towards them, I checked February in the distance. She looked super-hot with those tight red jeans and that low-cut and almost transparent white shirt; I was going to get her. So, instead of playing fool, I walked straight to her, while singing something in my mind.

Trying to hold a love that wants to go

Is like trying to catch a falling flake of snow

It glimmers while it can but it will melt between your hands, you know

To keep alive a love that wants to die

You teach the birds to swim, implore the fish to fly

But gills are made for water, and feathers for the sky, y'know

oh oh oh oh oh oh

To find a love that's new where do you start?

It's like trying to find the light switch in the dark

But falling over mess you left unaddressed inside your heart

oh oh oh oh oh oh

But I will find love, that's a blind love

It's the kind of love I need

Oh well I'll find love, that's a blind love

It's the kind of love I need

oh oh oh oh oh oh.

She couldn't see me because she was focused on the bowling pins, so she was giving me her back. When I got to be behind her, I gently placed a hand on her waist and I leaned over to whisper in her hear.

"Wanna go somewhere more private to put into action the second option I was talking about earlier? Cause I'm dying to take you there and show you those risky and exciting things we can do together." I whispered very seductively and almost lustfully in her ear from behind her. February turned her face and looked at me straight in the eyes.

"I'd love that." She answered with that sexy smirk and that lustful look.

"Let's go right now." I whispered seductively and then I nibbled her earlobe.

Right after that, I took her hand and we basically sneaked out from there, without even letting Joey and May know that we were leaving. I took February to my apartment and I led her to my bedroom, locking the door to not be disturbed by anyone. I turned around and I looked at her very seductively and mischievously before pushing her on my bed to start kissing and touching her as I haven't kissed and touched anyone in a while. She was the kind of blind love I needed.