A/N: Hello beautiful people! How are you doing this time? I hope everything is fine! As for me, these have been pretty crazy days, like really but really crazy, but everything is moderately fine now, luckily! One good thing is that I get to present my final thesis in late March… that means I have to hurry up if I want to finish this story and not leave it unfinished! It'd be something truly bad if I leave it unfinished, right? So I'll do my best to write faster and also, I'll try to update more often, but I won't promise anything, just in case, because I don't like to break promises. Another thing I want to ask: Do you like these long chapters or is it too annoying to read too much? Now… That was my update, I think… Well, as you can see I'm not in the greatest mood today, so sorry for that! Nonetheless, I'll reply your reviews as always and I want to thank in general all your support, to those who review the chapters, to the ones who read them and also to the ones who favorited or are following the story. It means a lot, so thank you very much!
eternityforklaine21: Thank you very much, Jodie! Well, I hope the same than you! Maybe Darren and Brian one fine day will be able to put this shit behind them and become friends. I think that would be nice, but let's see what happens. You wonder if Freckles and Darren are endgame? Well, I don't question that, thing is how they will get there... All they will have to go through and all the ups and downs, that is what will define how strong their bond can become. Again, thank you a lot for reading this story, Jodie! I hope you're enjoying it and I hope you like this new chapter!
santana12226: It's legit to say I'm a teaser, isn't it? haha, I love being a teaser, I don't know why I enjoy it so much, I guess I'm a very cruel person! I needed to use more cliffhangers! I missed them as hell! It's way more interesting that way, don't you think? Oh, Darren is being mean, yes, I know... He may be jealous and that's why he acts that way, hating on the sweet Brian. Do you think Freckles doesn't deserve him? Yes, maybe she doesn't deserve him because she acted very rough on him lately; but let's not forget that Brian also made some mistakes... However, Darren and Freckles forever and ever? How are you so sure Brian is not W? Anyway, you'll find it out in this chapter! Joey was with Mandy? Hmm, I don't know... There will be a special chapter that will be about Joey and his summer hook up, so don't you worry! You'll find it out eventually! No! Have you died? I hope you haven't; but if you have, I hope there's Wi-Fi in heaven! Or hell? Where did you end up? Anyway, as long as there is Wi-Fi, there's nothing to worry about, right? Now, I really hope you like this new chapter!
Emma: Trust me, Emma, you'll more annoyed with Freckles after this chapter. Trust me, I know what I'm saying. Soon, not so soon maybe, she will realize all of her mistakes and maybe she'll stop being a pain in the ass! Joey's summer hook up will definitely become something bigger in the story, there's a chapter that will explain who that person really is, so I won't say anything about it! I miss Jen too! She'll soon appear again! :) And after her first appearance, she'll appear more often! Ah, Darren, Darren... What jealousy can do, eh? He'll realize it, sooner or later, and he'll try to change that attitude. You had a college party! How was that! Thankfully you didn't drink and I hope you didn't do drugs either, nobody would want to do what Freckles did, right? So, I can tell your life in NYC is going pretty amazing! That's so cool! I don't know why but I had the feeling that teachers in Julliard would be strict and stuck up as you said; but that's because they want you to learn and become a good professional, I guess. But it's good to know you're enjoying your courses there and that your singing and dancing has improved! I have the feeling that your future is gonna be brilliant! I imagine your name on Broadway! That would be great, right? Not only that, but also you'll become an expert cook! haha, yes, that's the thing when you're the only girl as you said! However, it's really nice to know that they're sweethearts and that you get along with them, considering that living peacefully with other people you didn't know before is one of the hardest things ever. It's really cute and also pretty amazing the fact that you've set days for each food, like on Saturdays is bring home takeout food day, and Sundays is pancake day. College is pretty cool, isn't it? For me, it's way better than high school! So, I see New York is treating you neatly! I guess now you're in the Christmas mood! Ready for the winter, eh? Well, for me it's gonna be summer! Weird, right? About me! Geez! Totally, I'm feeling like an architect already! My teachers gave me a date to present my thesis on December 19, but no... I chickened out. I need a little more time. So I'll be presenting it in late March, that means no vacation for me, but well, after that, I'll be an architect! So, yes, I'm kinda freaking out, and very excited and I'm just a ball of different emotions! Perhaps because I'll be moving to another city too. But well, I remain pretty positive about this! We have to do it, right?
alicegursk: I tend to turn everything upside down, right? I enjoy doing that to people, I think it's my inner demon; that annoying voice at the back of my head telling me all the time: 'Lucy, make people feel confused like shit, make them suffer, do it'. And well, I can't control it. And right now I'm saying a bunch of stupid things, aren't I? Just believe in... in the power of Darren's curls to cure cancer! Whoa, there! I'm your fanfiction Jesus Christ! I feel so flattered right now! Stop it, you! You'll make me blush and I don't want you to see me blushing, Alice! You like Greg? Huzzah! I'm glad you like Greg! Greg is not what he seems, though... take it in a bad or good way, you'll soon find out! Well, not so soon to be honest. #FuckFebruary all the way, noted. Sadly, there will be more things up to them, and I don't know why I have this feeling you'll change it for this: #FuckFebruaryReloaded. I love Joey, he is like one of my favorite characters and I enjoy so much writing him in the story. Ha! This will be an interesting chapter about W. You'll know things you didn't know before. I guess it could be interesting and you'll realize what kind of person W actually is. But I will let you read it. Freckles-Darren-Greg threesome, I haven't thought about it. That's something actually very interesting. Brian? Hmm, you'll figure it out in this chapter, I promise! Fuck punctuation! Hell yeah who needs that eh who tell me who punctuation sometimes is so lame isn't it. Jesus, you have the ability to make me talk about silly things and laugh a lot, Alice! What do you do to me?
wujoka: You're back! What a surprise, indeed! What happened to you? You're okay now, right? Did the unicorn take care of you? Unicorns are pretty amazing and they know how to make people feel better. I'm pretty sure you've been in the... the Unicornland, it's a town that is not on Mars but it's on... Saturn, due to its continuous main rings, discontinuous arcs, and 60 moons or something. So, don't you apologize, it's okay, I understand that unicorns always have wise advices for us, and if he (or she?) told you to rest because you were sick, and you did so, then you did the right thing. Oh, that 'darrencriss' on snap chat did not have sense of humor! Haha don't worry about it, I tend to be ironic sometimes too, so I got it! And, also, almost all the time I make jokes that nobody understands but me, anyway, I don't even know why I'm saying that, I just wanted to write that. I totally got that thing of being pale or not... actually, being pale sucks, seriously, I'm like super white and it's a pain in the ass, you don't know what it's like to be sunburned. It sucks. I hate it. I always wanted to have dark skin, I just love it. But fuck my genes. Now you'll have an Argentinian friend and I'll have an African friend! Tell me how your Tumblr account it, so I will follow you! 1k followers? Whoa! Congratulations for that! :) I don't use it too often, as you surely noticed. But tell me how your account is so then I can give you my email; because, yeah, letters are very expensive and I'm broken too! Bless internet connection! We'll have our own chain letters! Have I inspired you? Really? Oh gosh! That is one of the nicest things you can tell me, you know? I'm smiling like a dork right now. You'll have to let me know when you publish your story, so I can read it and of course I'll recommend it!
MeMi83: I really enjoyed writing that cliffhanger. I think this is already a problem; it's ridiculous how much I enjoy finish the chapter with a cliffhanger. Yes, I know right? It's like Freckles would never find out about Brian's feelings for her... or maybe yes and not in the expected way. Muahaha. You'll see. Yes, Darren had to mess with it. Everything because he doesn't want to admit that he still has feelings for Freckles, so he does things that maybe aren't so right. Freckles turned into another person in the party, eh? Yes, I wanted to show another side of the character, one side that wasn't intentional but that happened; like one dark side, because we all know that nobody is perfect, thing is how we deal with that dark side, or what things can happen once people get to know that dark side, or what we do after that, right? I think I confused you more. I tend to do that. Brian is indeed someone very mature, you'll see how much in the following chapters, but he does have a very weak side, as everybody; maybe it's all result of his past, both his weakness and his maturity. But I think it's not all about his maturity... maybe he has a problem, which is he doesn't respect himself, maybe it's another thing... something deeper. I have watched the last Glee episodes! I must say I'm not a big fan of Lady Gaga or Katy Perry, I'm more like The Beatles, Coldplay and other artists such as Passenger, Brandi Carlile, Norah Jones, Sara Bareilles, Radiohead, Pink Floyd, Queen, Eddie Vedder, Needtobreathe and well so many others (my list is very long). However, I did enjoy their covers and performances and I laughed a lot. I loved the Muppet episode. It was so hilarious, Darren did a really good job there. This last episode was good, well, I actually enjoyed the NYC story, the high school story wasn't so funny, in my opinion of course. I don't know why but I don't enjoy so much the Christmas episodes, like, they're always similar. Now we have another break! Twisted! I didn't have the chance to watch it yet, but I will soon, hopefully. Have you watched it? If so, how was it? I bet it was superb, and to honor the Team Starkid (actually more like AVPM, AVPS, AVPSY), I'll say... totally awesome!
- Okay lovely people! That was it all for today! Are you excited to read this new chapter? I hope so; if you like it, you better get me some 'chocolate chip' cookies and share it with Darren and Chris and just everybody. Just let's have a chocolate chip cookies party! Okay, I should stop writing right now. I started this note in a not so good mood and I ended up being silly with the greatest mood, I owe it to all of your reviews! You have that power, guys! You're powerful! Huzzah! Alright, it was enough, right? I'll just leave you with virtual chocolate chip cookies and I wish you a week full of food parties! I'll try to update in two weeks instead of three so I can wish you Merry Christmas! So, until two weeks! Warm fuzzies! Lucy out.
TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 60
Another lonely birthday
I was feeling the cold brick wall on my left cheek. My head was aching and so was my nose, where someone punched me. I couldn't see who the one who was holding me by my arms was, but it was for sure some strong dude, because the way he was clutching me was painful. I leered at Brian again; the two robust dudes handcuffed his hands and they were bearing him down the floor, pinning him in a rough and tumble way. They were jostling him and bashing him and Brian couldn't defend himself. They gave him a heavy thump that now his nose and lips were bleeding and he already had a swollen and black eye.
"Stop! I would want to talk to him before you annihilate him." The same voice I haven't heard in a long yelled.
The two dudes who were bashing Brian stopped; yet they kept pinning him down. The person who talked walked straight to where Brian was and he stopped on the only spot of the alley that was illuminated. I saw his loathsome face again and an intense feeling of rage ran through my veins as thousands of memories popped up in my head. The bastard of Jim was right there; he was within my reach. I struggled to slip away, but the dude who was clutching me shoved me and my face rammed into the wall. There was no way I could slip away, because that dude was way stronger than me. I glanced at Brian again; his head was pointing down, so that drops of blood were falling to the floor. I saw how Jim fumbled in his pocket for something; then he pulled out a gun. He had a fucking gun. Now, besides feeling rabid, I was feeling frightened. Jim placed the muzzle of the gun on Brian's chin and with it Jim lifted Brian's head up; so that Brian was now looking at Jim. I could notice wrath and contempt in Brian's eyes.
"Long time no see, my friend." Jim said ominously with a vicious smirk. Brian didn't say anything at all, but he kept looking at Jim in that withering way as Jim started to run the muzzle of the gun across Brian's face. "It's so tempting to have you so defenseless. I could kill you right now. Ah! How I'd wish that! But first we have to talk!" Jim exclaimed with a paranoid laughter.
I observed the situation and I frowned in confusion. What the hell was going on? Why was Jim aiming Brian with that gun if Brian was W or was part of that team? What if Brian was telling the truth all this time and he wasn't W? Or what if this was just a trick to make me believe that Brian wasn't W? I heard Brian's dog barking and growling and I saw how the puppy ran to Jim and bit hard Jim's leg. Jim screamed and kicked the puppy as Brian observed the situation and his face reflected horror. Brian kept staring at the puppy with that alarmed face while the puppy was wailing because of the pain.
"You! Go and catch that annoying and disgusting animal!" Jim screamed furiously, commanding one of the dudes who were clutching Brian.
The dude nodded and walked towards the puppy as Brian took advantage to struggle and to nudge the only guy who was clasping him; but Jim kneed Brian in his face, so Brian groaned in pain and fell onto the floor. Jim stomped on the face of Brian, aiming him with his gun.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" Jim asked rabidly, stomping even more heavily Brian's face.
Then Jim kicked Brian's stomach and Brian shrank and groaned in pain. The dude who was clutching Brian kicked his head and Brian whimpered again. They were trouncing him and he couldn't do anything because he was already too injured and weak, besides being handcuffed. Jim stepped back and the dude who was helping Jim struck his face before forcing him to kneel on the floor, while he was pulling Brian's hair to keep his head up.
"A further attempt to escape and you will be dead." Jim said perversely while walking around Brian.
Brian was breathing heavily and he was still looking at Jim in a choleric way. Then Jim looked in my direction and his serious face turned into a wicked face with that cocky and vicious smirk. He started walking towards me very slowly as I was looking at him scornfully.
"Look, we have a special guest!" Jim exclaimed with an atrocious laughter.
Now he placed the muzzle of the gun on my cheek. I noticed how Brian struggled again but the dude kneed his spine, making him bend his back in pain. I was frightened but I was feeling angry, so I did not stop looking at Jim in that disdainful way.
"It's good to have two of the most abominable people together. This will make things easier." Jim laughed evilly. "How is that saying? Kill two birds with one stone! Ah! How gratifying!" He exclaimed with a satisfied grimace. "The naive of Criss. I missed your stupid face and your stupid suppositions; always thinking the wrong option. But I must admit that your brainless suppositions always helped me to achieve my goals to win. Like now." Jim said viciously while running the cold muzzle of the gun over my face. Then he looked at Brian, yet still pressing the muzzle on my temple. "Tell me, Clerk! How does it feel that your friend thinks that you are me?" He asked while laughing in a macabre way as Brian looked away and clenched his jaw. "Mostly… How does it feel that your friend Criss, thinking that you were me, put the little whore you're in love with against you?" He asked again with a paranoid chuckle as Brian remained looking away, frowning. "How does it feel that no one believes you when all you are trying to do is to protect them? How does it feel to be considered a bully? How does it feel that nobody ever could see good things about you? Tell me, how does it feel to be put aside for your own and only friends? It seems to me that you'll always be the outcast and abandoned guy. How does that feel?" Jim asked with a wicked sneer, while walking to him again. Jim nailed his fingers on Brian's cheeks and made him look at him. "Oh, poor little wanker! Wanna cry?" Jim sneered in a nasty way. "Mommy's boy wants to cry? Oh right! Mommy was never with you, you're just a waif bastard." Jim laughed vilely.
Brian remained looking away, clenching his jaw and biting his lips; yet it seemed he wasn't feeling so rabid now, it seemed he was sorrowful. I closed my eyes and pursed my lips, thinking how stupid I was for all the things I've done against Brian. Shit! This was, somehow, my fault. Brian always told me the truth and I chose not to believe him.
"Look, Clerk! Your friend Criss looks very confused. That piece of shit doesn't understand a damn thing! Of course he doesn't. For him you were never his friend; for him you were always part of my team. Go figure! You? Part of my team? He believed that shit!" He cackled nastily. I glanced at Brian feeling guilty, but he wasn't looking at me. "What do you think, Clerk? Does he deserve to know your story? Because I'm a merciful man. I like giving people something good before their death, so I'm willing to tell him." Jim commented and I looked at him scornfully. Of course Brian didn't answer. "Silence gives consent." Jim stated and looked at me while he was still aiming Brian with his gun. "This is an interesting story, so let me entertain you, Criss. The guy over here..." He started saying while hitting Brian in his temple with the muzzle of his gun. "Was abandoned by his own mother, because the wanker is a miscarriage, the wanker should have never been born but his mother's attempts to abort him failed. So he was born. Figure how the wanker was raised by a mother who loathed him, and by a father who was a fucking handicapped and retarded person. The wanker never received love; well, he received love from his father; but what kind of love you can get from a retarded? Worthless love, because retarded people are worthless, they are an aberration for humanity; like his father." Jim said in a ruthless and obnoxious way.
I looked at Jim in a disgruntled and incensed way for the hideous things he was saying. Then I glanced at Brian; he was looking down, frowning and clenching his jaw as his lips were trembling; surely because of the anger he was feeling for hearing Jim saying those things about his father, the only family he had.
"Anyways! The wanker always thought he was worthless, unloved and a burden; he always thought no one would care about him and love him because he was just an outcast in the eyes of others. And he was right; no one ever wanted to be close to him, no one ever wanted to be his friend; even if he tried to make friends, even if he was nice to people, even if he always put others before himself; people managed to put him aside. That was until he met the little whore; yes that little whore he's in love with; you know who, right? The same whore who was your girlfriend." Jim said referring to Freckles. "You wanna know the real reasons why he says the whore is important to him? You wanna know why he is in love with that whore? Because the whore was the first person who ever talked to him. That was in your Sophomore year, wasn't it wanker?" He asked with a derisive smirk, looking at Brian. Brian didn't utter a single word. "You wanna know what the whore told him? 'Is this seat empty?' That was all she said and all he needed to get attached to the whore. Can you believe it? Since that moment he tried to get close to the whore because, go figure, she was the only person who ever talked to him! Of course the whore was never interested in talking to him, she never wanted to talk to him, actually; but the wanker had his hopes up until he realized the truth that no one would ever want to talk to him and the reason why the whore talked to him was only a coincidence because he was the only person there, not because she wanted to do so. Who would want to be friends with a waif, right, wanker?" Jim asked with a cruel laughter and Brian now seemed to be afflicted. I just wanted to punch Jim straight in his face. "Since that moment the wanker admired the whore secretly. The whore became his weakness. He was weak, so he was the perfect person for me to threaten. I forced him to pretend to be on my team if he didn't want to see her little whore and his retarded father dead. Of course it worked. Since that moment, everybody thought he was a douchebag. Everybody believed it, including the whore, including you. And as I can tell, it keeps being like that. The wanker is still a douche for you, he is still the bully for you, and he is still the outcast guy who doesn't deserve to have friends and good things. Right, Criss?" He asked nastily, looking fixedly at me.
I was feeling deep hate for Jim and I also hated myself for thinking that Brian was really an asshole; because somehow Jim spoke the truth. But I wasn't thinking that about Brian now, no. I leered at Brian, wishing he could look at me to let him know it wasn't like that, to let him know that he was a friend to me; but Brian was still looking down.
"Man, it's not..." I started saying but Jim punched my stomach and left me breathless.
"Shut the fuck up, Criss. I'm the only allowed to talk." He threatened me and the dude who was holding me covered my mouth. "Back to the story... Poor wanker, his life was always destined to be miserable. His life wouldn't have sucked so much if he had understood that being good and nice would always lead you to misery. But he decided to be a good kid, as his retarded father taught him. Then we have all this phase in high school when his beloved whore loathed him; when everybody loathed him while all he wanted was to feel for the first time that someone cared about him, that someone believed him, that someone could see who he truly was. But people always judged and underestimated him. He was just the kind of guy that nobody would notice if he was absent, if he was dead or alive. He was like a ghost, a misplaced guy for this world. And it's still like that, poor wanker. No one cares if he's dead or alive; not even the little whore... That thanks to you, Criss; who made her believe that he was the bully." Jim said smirking satisfied and I looked at him contemptuously. I wanted to knock him down. I glanced at Brian; it seemed that each word of what Jim was saying was making him feel more broken. "How does it feel, wanker? How does it feel that your life isn't important to anyone? How does it feel to know that your whore wants to imprison you? How does it feel that the whore and the only friend you thought you had want to see you dead?" He asked rudely.
Jim was looking fixedly at Brian, nailing his fingers on his cheeks to make Brian look at him. Brian turned his face abruptly to look away as I saw how he shed some tears in silence. Damn shit, I made a lot of mistakes. I didn't know how to stop this, how to let Brian know that what Jim was saying was pure bullshit.
"Look, the wanker is weeping! How pathetic is that?" Jim exclaimed while laughing loudly and derisively. "Look, Criss! Thanks to you the wanker is crying! Now tell me, Criss... How does it feel to have made someone feel so devastated? How does it feel to have betrayed the one person who was trying to protect you from me to killing you?" Jim asked evilly and I began to shiver in anger. Yet, I was also feeling remorseful. "I'm gonna tell you a little secret, Criss... If it hadn't been because of this wanker, you and the whore would have been dead by now. But thanks to this wanker and the trap he set me to protect all the people he loves but who don't love him back, I can't kill you; because if I do so, the wanker would have the enough evidence to imprison me and I can't allow it. And how sad is to see that the wanker is risking his own life for the people who betrayed him! And still, he doesn't understand that being nice to people and giving them all of himself lead you to misery." He said sighing and shaking his head.
But I wasn't looking at that psycho; I was looking at Brian who was still looking away, shedding tears, frowning and clenching his jaw; handcuffed and clutched by a robust dude, kneeled on the floor, defenseless, with his nose and lips bleeding, his left eye swollen and black and his face bruised. This was what I caused. And all this fucking time Brian was telling me the truth and I never believed him; I even made Freckles believe that he was a douche; Freckles, the only person he had. Crap! What kind of person I was?
"But I'm gonna admit that you've played a good game, wanker; almost as good as mine." Jim commented and I turned my gaze to him again. He was looking at Brian, pressing the muzzle of his gun on Brian's temple. "You're more witty and clever than I thought. You managed to find private information about me that nobody knows and can put in risk my freedom. You managed to find my stupid sister who wants the same than you; you managed to make her help you. You managed to find out that the woman who recently appeared in your life wasn't your mother but was your junkie aunt who murdered your real mother. You managed to find out that I put hidden cameras and microphones in your dorm room and you got rid of them all, leaving me uninformed of the shit you do. You managed to threaten me in the same way I threaten you, only to protect your whore, your friends and your father; people who don't even care about you. And you managed to screw my plan, forcing me to think about second plans. You see, nobody ever has managed to do that to me. I must admit that it's interesting to have found a worthy adversary." Jim said wickedly but also furiously.
Brian, for the first time, smirked victoriously while looking at Jim in anger and in contempt, as if he were, someway, challenging Jim. I was just too disturbed and confounded. What private information about Jim did Brian have? Jim had a sister? Brian's aunt killed his mother? Was Brian threatening Jim? Jim placed hidden cameras and microphones in his dorm room? This was a bunch of new information.
"Wipe that smile off your face, wanker!" Jim yelled madly, but Brian kept smirking.
So that Jim hit heavily Brian's head with the grip of his gun, causing his forehead began to bleed. Brian wailed because of the pain; yet he quickly bit his lower lip strongly and then he smirked again. Jim, over again, hit Brian's head with the grip of the gun and the dude who was clutching Brian began to kick his spine. Brian endured all the blows and swipes; he kept the smirk on his face. When Jim noticed this, he lost his mind, he pulled Brian's hair and then he smashed Brian's head on the floor. I widened my eyes in horror when I saw this. My body began to shiver when a pool of blood began to expand on the ground and Brian wasn't moving. No, fuck, no. Jim killed Brian. Jim pulled Brian's hair to raise his head and I could see Brian's bruised and wounded face covered by blood. The only thing that made me feel a bit relieved was when Brian coughed, showing signs of being alive. Jim fumbled in his pockets for something, and he pulled out a tissue. He started to wipe away Brian's blood as Brian didn't even have strength to remain kneeled.
"Don't make me angry, Clerk. I don't wanna kill you yet, but you're driving me insane." Jim said with soft voice, sounding like a total psychopath. That piece of shit almost killed Brian. "We still need to talk. We need to come to some agreement. As I said, I'm a merciful man and I don't wanna kill you; but if you keep acting this way, you leave me no choice." Jim said sighing, with the same mild voice, still wiping away Brian's blood as Brian was groaning in pain but very low because he was out of breath and blown. Jim was such a fucker, man! "Let him sit, Luke. Cannot you see he can't stay steady? He needs to recover." Jim demanded with the same comprehensive and mild voice.
The Luke dude who was clutching Brian let him. Brian practically fell on the ground because of lack of strength, and Jim helped Brian not to hit his body on the ground. Jim had serious mental issues.
"I'm gonna bring you down, Jim." Brian mumbled with the little breath he had left.
I saw Jim clenching his teeth and his fist in anger. No, Jim couldn't hit Brian again; he was going to kill him. But Jim did nothing; instead, he smirked viciously, throwing the tissue covered with blood in the ground.
"I don't think you can do such a thing in the condition you are right now." Jim commented arrogantly.
"Maybe not now, but I swear I'm gonna bring you down for all the things you've ever done. I'm gonna make you pay for all the people you've hurt." Brian muttered while coughing. "You know I have more chances of winning you than you have of winning me." Brian murmured and he tried to smile, but apparently his face was aching, so he couldn't do it. Jim looked at him fiercely, yet I could notice his concern. Was Jim scared of Brian?
"How brave from you to state such a thing when you're on the verge of death, when you don't have the strength to protect your loved ones from being murdered." Jim said in a nefarious way, and then he crouched to be nearer from Brian. "And remember I'm the one who has got a gun. What do you have? Nothing at all." He voiced and laughed out loud in a perverse way. Then he stood up again and raised an eyebrow, looking at Brian scornfully. "You see, curiosity killed the cat. You shouldn't have messed with me, wanker; because, unlike you, I play foul; and, unlike you, I have no remorse for killing a person."
"I'm not afraid of you, bastard. You see, you and me? We're not so different. You have the same weakness than me; you've suffered the same than me. Do I have to remind you what happened to you in the past? Oh, you wouldn't like to return to that place, would you?" Brian mumbled with a painful but triumphant smile, while looking up to see Jim. Jim looked at Brian terrified and wrathful. What exactly did Brian know to make Jim feel that way?
"You won't play with me, Clerk!" Jim yelled madly.
He began to kick Brian's ribs in a very violent way as Brian was shrinking and groaning in pain. I was observing this in shock and aghast; Jim had to stop or he was going to kill Brian. It was frustrating I couldn't move, I couldn't do a damn shit. When I attempted to do something to stop Jim; the dude who had me punched my stomach. After a while, Jim stopped kicking Brian and he spat on Brian's face.
"Hit me all you want; that won't make you be any less weak than me. And you can hit me to death if you want; but if you do so, you'll never know where I have all this information about you and someone else will finish what I started and you'll spend the rest of your life behind bars." Brian murmured with a painful and short laugh. Jim's face, once again, reflected horror and fury, also frustration. "Don't tell me you're scared of me, Jim. I don't have a gun... Oh! Is that you understood that I don't need to kill or hurt someone to win? You were wrong; the good always wins, not the bad." Brian commented weakly, with the same smirk, almost provocatively.
"Really? Let me prove you wrong, wanker." Jim answered back in a despicable way. "I already know you got rid of all the hidden cameras and microphones; but before you did it, I got to hear certain thing that let me discover another of your weakness." He said in an abhorrent way, walking slowly in front of Brian in a haughty way. "This afternoon I was pretty bored and I didn't know what to do; so I thought... What if I go visit the Orchards Children's Services? You know, that petty and miserable orphanage." Jim commented and Brian's face reflected fright and panic. Jim looked at Brian and he laughed malevolently. "Oh yes! That orphanage in which you are volunteer. That orphanage full of worthless and brat kids who deserve nothing but misery and death. Guess what I discovered! That you are there to help children, as a way to not let them suffer what you suffered when your junkie mother abandoned you! How adorable is that? What a solidary person you are!" He exclaimed in a derisive way as Brian was still terrified. "I met a little girl, you know? Maybe you recognize her..."
"What have you done?" Brian asked gingerly with trembling voice.
"I took her for a walk! I thought she needed fresh air!" Jim exclaimed with a deranged laughter.
"What have you done to her?" Brian asked louder, even more frightened. I was very confused, I couldn't get this.
"Who's the one who is scared now, eh?" Jim exclaimed shrilly. He was out of himself; he was crazy. And Brian was aghast. "Gary! Bring her!" He yelled.
Suddenly a huge man appeared from the darkness. He had a little girl with wavy blond hair in his arms. She was tied and she seemed to be very frightened because she was crying. When the little girl looked around, disturbed, she saw Brian and her eyes went wide.
"Brian!" The little girl squealed with trembling voice.
"Zoey!" Brian exclaimed almost in a whisper. He was pale and horrified. "Leave her, Jim! She's only a little girl! She is a little girl, Jim!" Brian yelled with shaky voice.
"Oh, but she's important to you, isn't she? And she's just a neglected and brat girl; she's an outcast. Her life doesn't worth a fig. Nobody would notice if she dies." Jim responded maliciously. What the fuck man? What the fuck?
"She's just a little and innocent girl, Jim! You cannot kill a little girl! What kind of monster are you? For pity's sake!" Brian exclaimed in panic, suddenly recovering all his strength.
"I'm the monster who feels no remorse for killing someone, remember?" Jim laughed in a demented way. I was also feeling disturbed, observing the situation with eyes wide open. Jim had no soul.
"Leave her, you motherfucker!" Brian yelled wildly, suddenly standing up, attempting to run to Jim. He almost slipped away, but the Luke dude knocked him down and Brian fell on the ground again.
"Brian, I'm scared." The little girl sobbed and Brian looked at the girl frightened, troubled and distressed.
"Don't be scared, Zoey. I won't let them hurt you, I swear. I swear you're gonna be fine, Zoey." Brian said with teary voice, as smooth as he could sound. Who was this Zoey girl and what did she mean to Brian?
"They said they want to kill me!" Zoey cried. Poor little girl.
"They won't kill you, Zoey. Listen to me, I swear you're gonna be fine because I'm right here to protect you, okay? Remember what I told you about the fairy dust, remember it. Do you have it with you?" Brian asked with choked voice, looking deeply into the little girl's eyes.
"Yes." The girl answered while weeping.
"Use it now, it'll keep you safe." Brian said while shedding tears. The little girl gestured something with her mouth and then she blew. "See? Now you have the fairy dust protecting you. You'll be safe now."
"Fairy dust, seriously?" Jim scoffed while laughing, and then he looked at Zoey. "Listen, brat, fairies don't exist, magic doesn't exist, and all the fairy tales are just lies!" Jim yelled and the little girl pouted, looked at Jim with a pair of huge scared and sad eyes, and began to sob again.
"Shut the fuck up, jackass!" Brian yelled madly at Jim. Then he looked at Zoey. "Don't believe him, Zoey. He's a bad person and bad people are jealous because fairies don't help them. But you're a good girl, so the fairies will help you."
"But I'm not a good girl, because I didn't do my homework today." The girl sobbed and Brian shed more tears.
"Zoey, that doesn't make you a bad person. The fairies will understand you; they just whispered me that they're protecting you!" Brian exclaimed trying to draw a bright smile on his face. "They just whispered me that you're a good girl and that they love you."
"They love me?" Zoey asked with tears in her eyes.
"Yes, they do; they love you so much." Brian responded with a fond smile, despite the tears that were falling down his face.
"Argh! I won't stand this shit. Gary! Leave her on the ground and do not let her go!" Jim commanded and Gary did exactly what Jim said.
"What do you want, Jim? Tell me what you want but leave her alone!" Brian yelled desperately.
"See how the roles were exchanged!" Jim exclaimed with a deranged giggle. "I want to play a game!" He exclaimed with wide eyes and a facial expression that seemed he was absolutely insane. "A special game specifically created for you."
"What kind of game?" Brian asked coldly, looking rabidly at Jim.
"That's not the right question. The right question would be... Are you willing to play this game to save the little waif girl? I won't tell what the game is about, that will prove if you really are that stupid to save the little girl's life without knowing what things can happen." Jim stated like a crazy as I frowned, thinking how perverse he was. Brian looked down, bit his lips and frowned in concern. "Don't you love adrenaline and mystery?" Jim asked with shrill voice, hopping like a madman.
"I'll play. But first you have to let her go." Brian responded and I closed my eyes. Nothing good could come out of this.
"Do you think I'm that stupid to let her go?" Jim asked.
"I'll play if you let her come right here with me." Brian said firmly.
"Fine. It'll be easier to control you both." Jim answered with a lurid chuckle. "Gary, let the brat go with this wanker!" Jim yelled and Gary let out the girl.
The little girl ran to Brian and when she reached him, she threw her arms around Brian's neck. Brian was kneeled and he had his hands handcuffed, so he couldn't hug the little girl, but he rested his head on hers and he kissed her temple in a sweet way as the little girl started crying on Brian's chest. Brian also cried, but silently.
"See, Zoey? You're safe now!" Brian exclaimed, trying to sound lively. Man, this situation was too sad.
"What have they done to you, Brian? Why the fairies didn't help you?" The little girl asked when she saw Brian's bruised face. Brian forced a tender smile.
"Because I ran out of fairy dust. But don't worry; I saved a bit of it and it's in my room, so later I'll use the fairy dust and I'll get better." Brian responded, still with that grin.
"Enough of this stupid sentimentalism! Let's play the game!" Jim exclaimed loudly.
The little girl enfolded her arms around Brian's neck, burying her head on his shoulder. Jim walked closer to Brian and he placed the muzzle of his gun on the back of the little girl's head and then he pulled back the hammer of the gun.
"No!" Brian yelled his lungs out, flipping out. I also got strained when I saw what Jim did. "No! Don't do anything to her! Kill me instead her! Kill me!" Brian screamed tormented as I flinched in fear, widening my eyes and raising my eyebrows. Jim looked abruptly at Brian and smirked perversely.
"Are you really sacrificing your own life for this brat girl who will forget you in a couple of years as everybody always forgets you?" Jim asked with cruelty.
"Yes! Yes!" Brian shouted exasperatedly.
"I'm blown away by your bravery!" Jim exclaimed while laughing. "As you wish, wanker." He said while placing the muzzle of the gun on Brian's temple.
The little girl began to wail and I tried to slip away to stop with this shit. No fucking way! No! No he couldn't kill Brian! I needed to stop this. I tried to struggle, but the dude who was clutching me smashed my head on the wall. Damn, no.
"Come on, kill me! Just shoot the damn gun but don't hurt her. Come on! What are you waiting for?" Brian yelled. He didn't know what he was saying.
"Oh, I changed my mind. You don't appreciate your own life, so it'd be boring to kill you. It's more rewarding to see how you suffer when I kill all the people you love." Jim said smirking.
"No, goddammit! Kill me, motherfucker, kill me!" Brian shouted his lungs out, very altered. Crap, Brian needed to stop saying that.
"Brian, no!" The little girl suddenly screamed while crying her eyes out. Brian returned to himself when he heard the girl speaking. "I don't want you to die because you're like the dad I never had. I don't want to lose another daddy." The girl sobbed and Brian looked at her and tears began to stream down his face. Oh fuck, man. This was distressing. "Please, Brian." The girl sobbed on his chest while snuggling up to him. Brian was puzzled, but he began to coddle her with the simple gesture of brushing his cheek across her head.
"I love you, Zoey; but sometimes adults have to make some decisions in order to protect the people they love." Brian murmured sweetly. "You'll be fine, with or without me at your side. No matter what comes to happen, I'll always be watching you from the sky, like an angel; I'll always be watching you and making sure you're safe and happy. You won't lose me." Brian whispered with a fond smile while tears were still falling down his face. Crap, I felt so damn thrilled. This couldn't be happening; he couldn't be saying something like that. No, he couldn't give up. "Promise me you won't be sad because I'll be an angel."
"I won't be sad." The little girl sobbed while pouting. Brian grinned tenderly at her before looking at Jim again.
"You won, Jim." Brian stated and I closed my eyes and frowned. No. "And if you claim to be a merciful man, at least grant my last wish before dying."
"I think I can do it. What is that wish, wanker?" Jim asked curiously.
"Leave Zoey, my dad, Sunny and Darren alone, let them live in peace and don't mess in their lives ever again." Brian wished.
I raised my eyebrows in amazement. His last wish involved me, after all the bad things I've done to him, aware that this all wouldn't be happening if it weren't because of my fault. I couldn't allow Jim to kill Brian. Brian couldn't die, he was my friend. Jim narrowed his eyes and he seemed to be thoughtful.
"I don't think I'll grant you that wish." Jim finally answered.
"It's my last wish, Jim." Brian said in a supplicant way.
"Please, sir, don't kill him." The little girl begged, clasping Jim's leg in her arms. Jim looked down astonished and he remained looking at the little girl for a while. Then he looked away and stepped back.
"I won't kill you." Jim voiced and I felt really relieved. Maybe there was little bit mercy on him, deep down. Brian frowned and widened his eyes, bewildered.
"Thank you, sir!" The little girl squealed and she attempted to enfold her arms in Jim's leg again, but Jim stepped back, disconcerted.
"No! Do not move!" He yelled and the girl stopped.
"Come here, Zoey." Brian mumbled softly, still puzzled. Zoey walked towards Brian again and she wrapped her arms around him as he kissed her temple.
"Argh, well played, wanker." Jim exclaimed in frustration. So maybe kids and their innocence was his weakness. "But don't count your chickens before they hatch." He stated, again with that evil voice. "I won't kill you and I won't kill the girl, but in return you have to give me the information you have about me. All of it. And you'll destroy and burn it, in front of me; otherwise I'll go to the skid row where your house in San Francisco is to fucking kill your retarded father." Jim said wickedly.
"I won't give it to you, Jim. I don't think you're capable of killing." Brian said looking fixedly at Jim. No, Jim wouldn't like that answer. And he indeed didn't like it. Jim looked at Brian in a choleric way.
"You really think I'm not capable of killing?" Jim asked in a demented way. "Watch me, wanker." He said frivolously.
Brian quickly gestured Zoey to hide behind him and so she did. Oh shit, what would he do now? Everything happened too quickly. I heard a thunderous noise that was the sound of the gun being shot, a loud noise that almost deafened me. I couldn't see who he shot; maybe he just fired into the air to frighten all of us. But then I began to hear a sharp wail. I looked at Brian and he was pale and shocked, looking in a certain direction.
"No! No, fuck no!" I heard Brian screaming his lungs out as he was shedding tears. "No!"
I looked in the direction he was looking and the first thing I saw was a pool of blood on the ground. Then I looked further and I saw Brian's puppy yowling and wailing in pain and shrinking until its wail ceased and the puppy stopped moving to then be motionless and lifeless. I looked in the direction where Brian and Zoey were. Zoey was puzzled, with her eyes wide open and her lips parted, absolutely shocked and perplexed, also frightened for all she witnessed at her age. Brian was crying desperately, he was very pale and he was sorrowful.
"Why? Why have you done that? Why?" Brian yelled with choked voice, looking at his lifeless puppy. He couldn't even move to where his puppy was because the Luke dude was still clutching him.
"Well, wanker, you challenged me. There you had your demonstration that I am capable of killing." Jim said vilely.
"Sawyer, no! I'm so sorry, buddy, I'm so sorry!" Brian sobbed while looking at the dead dog.
"He cannot listen, wanker. The animal is dead." Jim sneered but Brian ignored him and he kept mourning while looking at Sawyer. "Oh! I forgot!" He suddenly exclaimed loudly. "The animal was the only friend you had! The only that gave you love when all your human friends abandoned you! How could I have forgotten that? The animal was the only one that cared about you, the only one that was happy to see you, the only one who was by your side, the only one that justified your miserable life! I just killed your only friend! I just killed the only thing that never abandoned you as everybody did!" Jim exclaimed in a derisive way. "Tell me, Clerk... How does it feel to be absolutely and entirely alone? You have nothing left. How does that feel?" He asked while laughing in a deranged way. Brian kept mourning bleakly that I really felt pity for him.
"This was over the top, Jim!" Brian yelled in between the tears. "There was no need to do this! Why? Why are you doing this?" Brian asked in a flurried way, and then he looked at Sawyer again. "I'm sorry, buddy, I really am!"
"Do you need another demonstration or will you give me the information you have about me?" Jim asked and Brian looked rabidly at him, but he did not say anything. "What if I kill that girl now?" He asked and he aimed the little girl.
"No!" Brian yelled frenetically. "Stop! Please, stop!" He kept yelling, but Jim kept aiming Zoey with the gun. "Fine! Fine! I'll give you everything; but, please, just stop!" Brian begged weakly. Right after, Jim put down his gun and smirked triumphant.
"Good." Jim stated.
"I have it here, in the back pockets of my jeans." Brian said and I bit my lips. Not the information that could help to imprison Jim.
"Hey, Luke, look for it." Jim demanded in a bossy way. The dude started to fumble in Brian's pockets until he pulled out a pen drive. He handed it to Jim and Jim threw it to the Gary dude. "Check it, Gary. Let's see if the wanker is telling the truth." Jim was smirking satisfied; Gary was checking it; Brian was looking down, devastated and resigned; and Zoey was hiding behind Brian, still shocked for all that was happening.
"Good news! The wanker was telling the truth. All the information is in here." Gary confirmed. I frowned and I closed my eyes, thinking that any chance of imprison Jim was lost. But I understood this was the only choice Brian had.
"Good, wanker, you were honest. Now... Who do you think is gonna win this game?" Jim asked derisively. Brian just remained silent, still shedding tears, biting his lips and frowning; totally devastated. "You know what? I kept wanting to play. Maybe we could keep playing, just for fun! Games are always great. Don't you think?" Jim asked.
"What else do you want? I gave you everything, you took away my pet, you made Zoey be frightened and traumatized for all you've done, you've deformed my face and broken my ribs, you hit Darren and you threatened to kill us all... What else do you want? Wasn't this enough?" Brian asked despondent, looking fixedly at Jim while frowning.
"Of course it wasn't enough! I've hurt everybody you love except for two people. One of them is your beloved retarded father, but he's too far to harm him... But there's still another person; probably the person you love the most." Jim smirked wickedly.
"No... Not her. Not her, Jim. No." Brian said with trembling voice, shaking his head in horror. Jim was talking about Freckles, I knew that. "Tell me what you want from me, but don't do anything to her. I beg you." Brian begged desperately.
"Your supplications won't work with me. We're playing a game!" Jim responded. "Here's the thing... It's not good for me if people start believing you; it's not good for me to see you happy with the people you love. And she is your weakness. So, I need to do something about, don't you think?"
"Don't do this. Don't hurt her." Brian said in a supplicant way.
"Oh! Do you really think I want to hurt her? No, I don't want that. I want to destroy you and I want to make her suffer. I want to destroy all the good things you've ever had as a consequence of messing with me. I made your friend Darren believe that you were a fucking bully; I made that little girl be disgraced like you for the rest of her life, with all the traumas she'll have from now on; I killed your animal that was your only friend; I made your retarded father lose his job, oh you didn't know about it? I was the one who caused your father's unemployment. Well, point is I only have to do something about that little whore. And that is what I'm planning to do right now." Jim said. "You see, Criss now knows that you aren't the bully... And that's not positive for me. And the little whore is not sure if you are the bully or not, that's not positive for me either. What can I do? Easy!" Jim exclaimed maliciously and he walked to me. He pressed the cold muzzle of the gun on my temple and I looked down, now more frightened than before because I knew he was capable of killing. Brian observed the situation edgily. "There's a curious thing... When I broke in your dorm room, I found a particular gray box. Do you know what I'm talking about?" He asked with a perverse smirk as Brian looked at him aghast. "Of course you do! The gray box you've been hiding from her! The gray box which contains a bunch of cheesy letters dedicated to her, a bunch of pictures of her and a bunch of things that belonged to her! Things she has never seen; things that you don't want her to see because you know that if she sees them, you'll lose her forever; because you've been lying to the little whore, as Criss once mentioned. Right, Criss? Don't you think Brian is a fucking liar who never told the whore his real feelings for her?" He asked looking into my eyes and pressing more strongly the muzzle on my temple. I just looked at him with anger. "Tell me, Criss... Don't you think it's time for the little whore to discover all of Clerk's lies? Didn't you want it? Didn't you force him to do it? Didn't you want to ruin their friendship? Maybe you'll get it now!" He said looking at me and I glanced at Brian. He was looking at me distressed. Fuck all of my mistakes.
"Tell me what you want." Brian murmured, now looking down.
"Don't be so eager, wanker!" Jim voiced amused. "I'll be nice and I'll give you two options." Jim said laughing in that demented way. "First option... You'll call your whore right now and you'll put the phone on speaker so we all will have the pleasure to listen to the conversation. You'll tell her to look for your gray box, you'll give her the combination to open the box and you'll tell her to start reading all that is in the box. All of it. That way, your whore will find out your real feelings for her; she'll feel betrayed and hurt because you've been lying to her, she'll walk away from you and you'll lose the love of your life, so you'll be destroyed." Jim commented with a vicious snicker.
I leered at Brian and I saw him looking down, with his eyebrows downwards, and with a stricken facial expression. I looked down, feeling really guilty because of this. This wasn't the way Freckles had to know about Brian's feelings. This wasn't supposed to be like this. This was supposed to be a private conversation between Brian and Freckles, when Brian felt ready. If Freckles finds Brian's feelings this way, she wouldn't talk to Brian again, she would feel deeply hurt, and so would Brian. Their friendship would be totally fucked up. Shit, this was my fault.
"Second option is... If you don't call your whore, I kill Criss, right now, right here." Jim said.
I widened my eyes in fear as my heart started beating really fast and my body started trembling. No, I didn't want to die. No. I glanced at Brian and he was looking at both of us very puzzled and disturbed, surely very troubled and irresolute; he was open-mouthed and he was frowning.
"So... What's your decision? To lose the love of your life forever and be completely destroyed or to kill the friend who betrayed you and who wanted to put the love of your life against you all this time?" Jim asked malevolent and I closed my eyes as I started to shed some tears silently. It was obvious that Brian was going to choose to kill me; after all, I was the douche who made his life harder. "The ball is in your court, wanker!" Jim exclaimed with the wicked shout of laughter.
An abysmal silence invaded the alley, a silence that was killing me slowly. I knew what his answer would be and I wasn't prepared to die. Damn. Damn. Damn. I began to shed more tears in silence, looking down. I just wanted to disappear from here. I just wished that none of this would have happened.
"If you don't give me an answer in five seconds, I'll assume that your decision is to kill Criss." Jim said while pressing even more strongly the muzzle of the gun on my temple. "One... Two... Three..." Jim started counting and Brian wasn't saying anything at all. "Four..." Jim counted and I just admitted the fact that I was going to be killed. I heard how Jim pulled back the hammer and my heart started beating faster and faster. "And fiv..."
"No! No! Stop!" Brian suddenly yelled his lungs out. I shivered and I looked at Brian abruptly as my body was shaking. "I choose the first option." Brian stated and I looked at him bewildered but really relieved. Brian didn't look at me; he was looking down in an afflicted way.
"Seriously?" Jim asked narrowing his eyes, in disbelief. "Do you really choose to lose the love of your life to save the life of the guy who always tried to ruin your fucking life? The guy who made you suffer because of the things he has done and said? The guy who always thought you were a worthless and nasty person? The guy who never thought good things about you? Are you really giving up the love of your life for this guy? Are you really choosing to lose the one person who saved you from your miserable existence, the one and only person who wanted to be your friend, the one person who made you feel that you weren't as worthless as you always thought, the one and only person you trust, your biggest support? Really? Only to save the life of this guy who always thought you deserved the worst in world?" Jim asked incredulous as I closed my eyes and began to cry. I was really that person and Brian was giving up the most important person to him only to save me. And I always thought the worst about him. I couldn't believe this.
"Yes. I'm choosing the first option." Brian answered with teary voice and I opened my eyes to look at him. He was mourning silently. Brian didn't deserve to lose Freckles. "So put down the gun and get the fuck away from him." Brian requested and Jim raised his eyebrows.
"As you wish, wanker." Jim commented astonished, but he did put down the gun and he did walk away from me. "Look, Criss, what the wanker is doing for you! Incredible!" He exclaimed in the distance as I kept looking down, crying silently and feeling completely guilty. "Luke, look for Clerk's phone and dial the number of the whore. This is gonna be fun. Let's see how Clerk loses the love of his life because of your fault, Criss!" Jim exclaimed loudly with that haughty laughter.
I shed more tears and I looked at Brian; he was now looking at me with an anguished look, then he looked away. I knew he hated me now, and he had reasons. The Luke guy finally found Brian's phone and pulled it out of his jeans pockets. Brian was already resigned; he was not struggling to wriggle out, he was not defending himself and he wasn't even mad; he was looking down with a blankly stare, shedding silent tears, pursing his lips, and resting his head above Zoey', who was still snuggling up to him. The Luke dude dialed Freckles' number and then he placed the phone in front of Brian's mouth. The phone was on loudspeaker, so I could hear the phone ringing. I was nervous, so I couldn't imagine how nervous Brian was; probably he was freaking out judging by his pale face. I just wished that Freckles didn't pick up the call. The situation was really fraught: Brian was freaking out, I was nervous as hell, and Jim was eager.
"Please, Freckles, do not pick up the call. Do not pick up the call, please." I repeated in my mind nervously.
"Hello? Brian?" I heard Freckles' voice and I automatically closed my eyes. Crap, no. "Brian? Hello?" Brian gasped, frowned and also closed his eyes. "Hi, are you there?"
It seemed he was also wishing that she didn't pick up the call. Brian didn't utter a single word and he was shivering, really flipping out. Jim gestured furiously, forcing Brian to talk. Brian didn't do anything, so Jim walked to me rabidly and placed the muzzle of the gun on my temple, as a way to threaten Brian to kill me. Brian looked at both of us and he gasped again, terrified.
"Sunny." Brian finally spoke with trembling voice, but Jim kept aiming me with the gun.
"Brian! Where are you? I thought we were going to have dinner together… But it's been like five hours and you didn't come back. I'm really sorry, Brian! I'm really sorry for all I did! I've been acting in a wrong way and I apologize for that! Just give me a chance to make up for all my mistakes, Brian. Please, come back!" Freckles exclaimed desperately and anguished.
I saw Brian closing his eyes and biting his lips while shedding some silent tears. Apparently Freckles faced Brian, they talked and now she wasn't thinking he was W; or maybe she was pretending to be sorry as I told her to do to get information about Brian. Fuck it, man. I couldn't believe I convinced Freckles to think Brian was W. She had to know that Brian was not W, that I was wrong all this time; even if she was going to hate me, I had to let her know that, because Brian saved my life.
"Brian, please, come back." Freckles said supplicant. Brian opened his eyes and gulped, yet he was still biting his lower lip.
"I will come back." Brian answered with choked voice.
"Brian, I'm so sorry!" I heard Freckles' voice. It seemed she was crying.
"And I forgave you, Sunny. I really forgave you." Brian replied with teary voice as he was shedding silent tears. Zoey was looking deeply into Brian's eyes; maybe she knew who Freckles was. "I don't want you to feel guilty, Sunny. I understand you; I understand you didn't mean it and I understand it was just a mistake. Please, don't feel bad." Brian murmured.
"I hurt you, Brian; and I'm so sorry for that. I want to make up for it." Freckles responded with the same choked voice.
"You don't have to, Sunny. I forgave you already." Brian murmured again.
"But I feel bad, Brian." Freckles said afflicted. Jim gestured Brian to hurry the business by pressing more strongly the muzzle of the gun on my temple. Brian bit his lips and frowned.
"Don't, Sunny." Brian said and then he breathed out. "Listen, Sunny, I will return soon. But right now I need you to do something for me. Can you do that?" Brian asked with trembling voice, very troubled.
"Whatever you want, Brian." Sunny answered and Brian inhaled so deep and shut his eyes.
"I need you to go to the bedroom and open my closet." Brian said trying to control his shaky voice.
"Why do you want that?" Freckles asked confused.
"I need you to look for something. Please, do it." Brian requested. Then I heard Freckles' steps, I heard how she opened a door, then more steps and then another door opening; surely the closet. My heart started beating fast in nervousness.
"Alright, I'm here. What am I supposed to look for?" Freckles asked and Brian remained silent for a while until Jim pressed the muzzle of the gun on my temple.
"Hidden in between my hoodies, in the back of the closet, there's a gray box. I need you to take it." Brian requested and his voice cracked. I heard some noises; apparently it was Freckles stirring all of Brian's clothes.
"Okay, I have it. And now what?" Freckles asked. She evidently didn't know why she was doing this. I saw Brian panting and weeping silently, with a shocked facial expression. "Brian?" Freckles repeated but Brian kept gasping, obviously unable to talk. "Are you there?" Freckles asked. Jim began to feel angry, so he was looking at Brian threateningly and he pulled back the hammer. Brian closed his eyes and wailed, biting his lips strongly not to cry out loud.
"Yes." Brian answered with shrill voice, opened his eyes and then he cleared his throat. He shut his eyes again and took a deep breath as tears began to stream down his face. "I want you to open the box. The combination is the nickname I gave you."
"Sunny?" Freckles asked.
"Yes, Sunny." Brian responded with teary voice and he sniffled, unable to control his tears.
"How original, wanker!" Jim muttered in a snide way, but Brian ignored it.
"Alright, I did it. What do I have to do now?" Freckles asked.
"Take out the false top. There you'll find a series of photos, texts and things. I...I... I want..." Brian stammered with teary voice and he couldn't hold back his crying any longer. He began to cry his heart out in a heartbreaking way; so my heart went out when I saw him crying that way.
"Brian, what's going on? Why are you crying, Brian?" Freckles asked very worried.
Jim muttered a nasty comment about Brian crying, but he disregarded it. Brian kept weeping heartbreakingly, sniffling, wailing and gasping. Holy crap, I never saw any guy crying that way, it was doleful. What things that box could contain inside for him to mourn that way? This was for sure something very hard and painful to do for him. The little girl pouted when she saw Brian crying and she gave him a tight clinch. Brian wept harder when the little girl made this very caring and sweet gesture.
"Brian!" Freckles exclaimed very concerned.
"I'm fine... I'm fine." Brian babbled with teary voice; still crying disconsolately. "Sunny, I want you to see all the things in the box. I want you to see every photo and everything; I want you to read every single text I wrote. Every single thing is about you. I want you to see and read it." Brian tried to articulate while weeping and gasping. I couldn't help shedding tears. I was feeling the pain that Brian was feeling and it was devastating. There was a profound and abysmal silence.
"What is this, Brian?" Freckles suddenly asked gingerly, with trembling voice. Brian wailed as a response. "Brian, I don't like this at all. What the hell is this? Why are here a lot of photos of me? Why do you have things that belonged to me? What are these texts? What is this shit, Brian?" Freckles asked as if she were puzzled and confounded. "Brian, I don't like this! What does this mean?"
I flinched when I heard Freckles saying that; I just closed my eyes and pursed my lips, feeling really bad for Brian. In the meantime, Brian shut his eyes tightly; he gasped and began to cry even more heartbreakingly, even when I thought that wasn't possible. The little girl fondled his cheek and she hugged him even more tightly. Jim smirked wickedly and triumphantly.
"I... I... Sunny... I..." Brian tried to talk, but it seemed he had that famous lump in throat that didn't let him speak. "I want you to read out loud the first thing you see, right now." Brian sobbed.
"What I could never tell you." Freckles started reading. No, someone needed to stop with this shit. Brian whimpered and gasped. "I remember the first time I wrote to you. It was the first time I noticed that you were also looking at me, well, at my words. You were reading me. Who would think that you're behind my words? No one, not even you notice it. What would you think if you knew that I write to you? I tried to let you know with one of my absurd questions, one of those questions that annoy you a lot and you don't know what to say. We are so different, and I love it because I know that despite everything, we may still be two and so never stop knowing each other. I think about you more than I should. I imagine you more than what I write to you. I love you more than what you love my stories. You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word of the question again." Freckles read and there was an abysmal silence. All I could hear was Brian's crying. I bit my lips strongly and I felt pity for Brian. This wasn't the way Brian deserved to tell Freckles. "You… Me?" Freckles asked with trembling voice, in a very slow way.
"You." Brian assured with teary voice. Then he cried his heart out again and Jim smirked victoriously.
"What is this, Brian? What the hell is this shit?" Freckles asked terrified and I closed my eyes. Shit, no, Freckles, shut up.
"I'm so sorry!" Brian exclaimed in pain. "Sunny I want…" Brian started saying but then I heard a beeping. Freckles hung up. Brian broke and cried his eyes out.
"Aha!" Jim yelled victoriously. "How does it feel, wanker? How does it feel to know that the whore rejected you? How does it feel to know that she didn't like at all what you feel for her? Devastating, isn't it?" Jim asked in a very cruel way. That fucking asshole, I wanted to kill Jim. Brian just kept mourning. "Criss! How does it feel to know that you got what you wanted that is to fuck up everything they had? How does it feel to know that you tore apart Clerk's stupid heart and now he's gonna be absolutely alone and devastated? How does it feel to be the one who caused someone else to abandon him?" Jim asked viciously. I was feeling deep hate for Jim, so I shot him a withering look. "Poor stupid wanker! He always receives the worst of people when he gives to people the best of him! It is your destination, wanker: to be forever abandoned, forever rejected and forever miserable. I feel pity for your wretched life, you fucking worthless wanker. If I were you, I'd consider if it's worth it your existence in this world. Perhaps suicide is the best option you have left." Jim stated nastily.
I bit the hand of the dude who was covering my mouth and clutching me; when he grimaced in pain and got distracted, I took advantage to kick him hard in his balls. When the dude shrank, he let me out and I quickly ran towards Jim in a rage, out of myself. I was really fast, so Jim didn't have the time to react. I pounced on him, I kicked his gun so it dropped on the ground, and I began to hit him in his face in a fierce and rabid way.
"You fucking douchebag, I'm gonna fucking kill you!" I screamed in a rage while punching his face with all my strength. "I'm gonna fucking kill you for all the things you've done to my friend! You friggin' bastard!" I yelled choleric. "Who the fuck do you think you are to tell those things to my friend? Who the fuck do you think you are, dickhead? You're the one who needs to consider your existence in this world, not him, motherfucker!" I yelled madly, punching Jim's face with both of my fits. He was already bleeding and he couldn't do anything to push me away.
Suddenly I felt how four guys took me and now I was the one who couldn't move. Jim stood up, spat blood and walked to me furiously. He punched my stomach so hard that left me breathless. Then he began to strike me in the face, ribs, stomach; it was so damn painful and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I thought I was lost until I saw Brian standing behind Jim. He didn't have his hands handcuffed; surely Zoey took the keys and helped Brian. Brian pressed Jim's gun on the back of Jim's head and Jim shuddered in fear.
"Get the fuck out of here and never come back or I'm gonna shoot you." Brian demanded in a firm and cold way. Jim smirked and giggled in a deranged way.
"You are gonna shoot me? You don't even know how to shoot a gun!" Jim stated derisively.
"You shouldn't underestimate me, asshole. You forgot that I was raised in the skid row of San Francisco. You forgot that I dealt with guns when I was looking for my aunt when she murdered my mother." Brian answered back in a rabid way. Jim's face went pale and he was no longer smirking. "Oh, you suddenly remembered it all, didn't you?" Brian asked while tilting his head to one side to look at Jim. He was still pressing firmly the gun on the back of Jim's head.
"Maybe you know how to use a gun, but you're not capable of killing anyone." Jim challenged. Brian, as a response, pulled back the hammer of the gun; so Jim's face reflected horror.
"What do I have to lose now, eh? You said it, I have nothing left. So I don't care if I'm free, I don't care if I'm imprisoned and I don't care if I die. And if I kill you right now, I'll make sure that you won't mess in the lives of the people I love. So... Nothing is stopping me, asshole." Brian answered back in a perverse way. I widened my eyes when I heard Brian talking that way. The little girl was looking at Brian terrified. Jim was frightened. "But I'll be nice and I'll give you two options!" Brian exclaimed, playing the same way Jim played with him. "First option... I kill you right now and I make sure you'll never appear again. Second option... I let you live if you get the fuck out of here and you never return and you never mess in the lives of the people I love. So, the ball is in your court, asshole!" Brian voiced the same thing Jim said hours ago. Jim remained silent, frowning and clenching his teeth, feeling extremely angry and scared. "You have five seconds to answer or I'll assume that your decision is me to kill you." Brian said viciously. "One... Two... Three... Four..." Brian started counting and Jim made a very rabid grimace. "And fiv..."
"I choose the second option!" Jim yelled furiously.
"Good... Get the fuck out of here and never appear again or I'll kill you, asshole!" Brian yelled wildly.
The dudes who were clutching me let me out and they ran away. Jim turned to face Brian and look at him rabidly before running away with the dudes. Brian saw how the bullies were running away and then he threw the gun. When he saw my face and the little girl's face, he sighed.
"The gun wasn't loaded." Brian said and showed us the bullets in his hands; then he threw them on the ground. Then he crouched and took the little girl's hands. "See, Zoey? The fairy dust worked." Brian said softly, grinning sweetly at the girl.
Zoey threw her arms around Brian and she began to sob as he kissed her head and rubbed her back reassuringly. I was thinking how the hell I was going to thank him for saving my life. He lost Freckles because of my fault, so I was feeling really guilty. Then Brian stood up, looked at me, smiled faintly and nodded. Then, without saying anything at all, he walked to where his dead puppy was. He kneeled next to the puppy and took it in his arms.
"I'm so sorry, buddy." I heard him crying. I gulped and I felt the lump in throat. I caused too much pain. "You were a good friend. I wish I could have saved you. I failed you, buddy, I'm sorry." Brian sobbed while holding the dead puppy. I saw how Zoey walked to Brian, kneeled next to him, linked her arm with his and rested her head on Brian's arm.
"Brian, Sawyer is in a better place now, where all the puppies' souls go, a beautiful place where he can have fun, eat a lot of candies and play with other puppies. You shouldn't be sad, because Sawyer is now an angel that is watching you." Zoey commented with her sweet and pitched voice. Brian looked at her, smiled tenderly and shed more tears.
"I know, Zoey. But sometimes it's hard to say goodbye to a good friend." Brian answered.
"But you don't have to say goodbye, because you didn't lose him, he's watching you; just as you told me." Zoey responded and Brian smiled again with tears in his eyes.
"You're right, Zoey. Sawyer is in the sky, watching me, I didn't lose him." Brian replied with choked voice, yet grinning at the little girl.
"I bet he's a star right now." Zoey said and looked up the sky. Then she grinned brightly and pointed one star. Both Brian and I looked up the star. "I'm sure that's Sawyer, it's the biggest and brightest star!" Zoey exclaimed joyfully and Brian wailed, but he smiled.
"That must be Sawyer. Hi, buddy. I hope you're having a good time up there." Brian murmured while looking at the star. "Remember that you don't have to eat too many candies or you'd feel sick!" Brian exclaimed as trying to joke to make the little girl laugh; and it worked because she chuckled. "And keep being a good boy." Brian said with a slight grin, wiping his tears away.
Shit man, this was surely something hard for Brian, to pretend he was happy to not make her feel sad and hopeless in terms to that life existed after death. Maybe he was strong; if I were him and if I happened to feel the loss of a loved one, I'd feel desolate and I wouldn't be able to see anything positive, unlike Brian. Then Brian stood up with Sawyer's dead body in his arms and he looked at the little girl and smiled softly.
"Maybe Sawyer deserves being buried in a beautiful place, what do you think?" Brian asked and the little girl grinned and nodded. "He liked running along the Huron River that is near here."
"We should bury him there and we should do it now." Zoey agreed and Brian smiled.
Brian took the dead puppy with only one arm to be able to take Zoey's hand. Then he turned around and we finally looked at each other. I couldn't talk, I didn't even know what to say; I wanted to apologize for all I did and said and I also wanted to thank him for saving me; but I didn't know how and I didn't even know if this was a good moment to do it. So that I just smiled sadly at him, as a way to respect his recent loss; and Brian just nodded and looked down. He and the little girl started to walk away and I didn't know if he wanted me to follow them or not.
"Do you mind if I join you?" I asked and Brian turned his face to look at me. "I had the chance to meet Sawyer and I'd like to be there." I added.
"Sure, you can come." Brian answered.
So I walked to them and I took Zoey' free hand. The little girl looked up me and she smiled sweetly, so I smiled back. We walked in silence until we found a place to bury the puppy. We didn't have a shovel for digging, so Brian kneeled and started digging with his hands; after a while I kneeled next to him and I began to help him. When I did this, Brian stopped to look at me surprised and then he grinned grateful. Then the little girl also started to help us. In few minutes we got to dig a pit deep enough to bury the puppy. Brian stood up and then came back with the puppy in his hands. He placed Sawyer in the pit very carefully and then he stared at the puppy in silence.
"Maybe we should say some words." I proposed and Brian looked at me surprised again and then he nodded.
"Sawyer was a really cute and fluffy puppy." Zoey was the first to speak and both Brian and I looked at her. "When I and all the kids met him, we were really happy because he wanted to play with us and he was really happy. I'm sure he was a magical puppy because I secretly shared my fairy dust with him. So he's surely with some fairies now. Sawyer, you'll be in the dog's heaven now. There are meadows and hills for all of the puppies so you'll run and play with others. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and you're gonna be warm and comfortable and happy and content. I hope you can be even happier now, Sawyer." Zoey said with a bright smile and then she took a handful of dirt to place it above the puppy's body. Then she kneeled next to Brian and rested her head on his arm.
"Well..." I started saying with a sigh and Brian looked at me amazed and Zoey with a kind grin. "I had the honor to meet Sawyer when he was really little, when I still didn't know that his name was Sawyer. I remember that I got scared when I first saw him because I didn't know that Brian had a puppy, so when Sawyer tried to jump on my lap, I just got scared. Sawyer really knew how to scare people!" I commented with a soft giggle and Zoey chuckled cheerfully. "And he was for sure a cute puppy. I remember I insisted Brian to keep him; I'm glad he did it. Sawyer was a good boy because he got a good owner." I commented while looking at the puppy, but I noticed Brian was looking fixedly at me. "So, fellow, I wish you have a blast up there. We'll sure remember you." I finally said and I took a handful of dirt and put it above Sawyer's body.
Then I kneeled next to Brian again, looked at him and I patted his shoulder as Brian grinned faintly and nodded. Now it was time for Brian to talk. He looked at Sawyer and he remained staring him in silence for a while.
"Well, buddy, I think this the time in which we have to go different ways. I'll still be here and you'll be there; wherever you are, I know you'll still be. If there is a heaven, it's certain you'll be there. In this time we shared together, your life become so interwoven with my own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them." Brian finally spoke in a whisper. "You've kept me warm at night, protected me and offered me unconditional love. You were my companion in everything and I want to thank you for being a faithful friend. For this I am thankful, and I will remember you forever. I'll wrap these treasured memorials in a blanket of my love and keep them until we meet above. You were my brother and you are free now. Go and run with your pack, racing by the midnight moon. Go and hunt for your prey, taking what is your birthright. Run, and guide your spirit home." Brian said with choked voice but smiling while looking at the puppy's body and shedding tears. "One last word of farewell, buddy. I may bury you here, but you'll really be buried in my heart and I'll keep you alive in my heart. Always." Brian said with teary voice.
Then he took a handful of dirt to put it above Sawyer's body. After he stared the puppy for a while, he started to cover the pit while crying silently and Zoey and I helped him. When we covered the pit, we all sat on the ground. Brian wiped his tears away and he remained looking where Sawyer was buried as Zoey snuggled up to him, resting her head on his arm. After a while, Brian took Zoey and he sat her on his lap, because she was already asleep; he enfolded his arms in her tiny body to warm her up in the cold night. I looked at Brian and I patted his shoulder; so that he turned his face to look at me.
"I'm sorry for your loss." I said and Brian nodded.
"He's free now." He whispered with a slight but sad smile. "Thank you for doing this, even if you didn't have to." He added.
"Thank you for saving me, buddy." I said very grateful, feeling the lump in my throat and feeling guilty again. "And I'm so sorry for being wrong about you all this time. I'm sorry for everything I did and said. I'm sorry for causing all of this."
"It wasn't your fault, Darren. You were just wrong about certain things, but that's part of being a human being; we all are wrong sometimes and we all make mistakes. And that doesn't mean that all of this was your fault. This was Jim's fault. So, don't apologize." Brian commented and that made me feel even guiltier.
"Then I want to apologize for hurting you and for saying you were never my friend. You are my friend and I'm sorry it took all of this to realize it. You saved my life." I stated while looking fixedly at Brian.
"It was what any sane person would have done." Brian responded while looking at Zoey and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"No, it was what a true friend would have done." I corrected him and I noticed how he bit his lips. "Maybe it's too late, but I'd like you to know that you can count me as your friend. All that Jim said is pure bullshit, you're not alone, buddy." I said while placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it.
"Thanks. Thank you for wanting to be friends with a worthless guy like me." Brian murmured with choked voice, still looking at Zoey.
"You're not worthless; that's just some shit Jim said. Trust me, buddy, you are so far from being worthless." I assured and Brian frowned as his eyes filled with tears; yet he didn't shed them. I knew he was feeling thrilled for all that had happened.
"I wish it was like that." Brian whispered. Why couldn't he believe that?
"It is like that. Just don't believe any of the shit that Jim said. He's just an asshole." I responded. Brian nodded slowly while biting his lips, still looking at Zoey sleeping. We both remained looking at Sawyer's grave in silence for a long until I looked at Brian again. "Let me help you." I suddenly said and Brian turned his face to look at me confused.
"Excuse me? I don't get it." Brian replied while frowning.
"Tell me all you know about Jim and let me help you imprison him." I elaborated. When Brian heard this, he shook his head and looked away.
"No." He refused. "You just witnessed that Jim is playing foul. If you get involved in this, things will get worse for you. I haven't said anything till now to avoid crappy situations for others, and it'll keep being like that; I won't involve people in this shit." Brian responded while stroking Zoey' hair.
"Well, but I do want to help you. I don't care if shitty things come to happen to me and I don't care if Jim starts harassing me. I just want to bring him down and I know you want the same because I heard you." I started saying in a very insistent way, but Brian kept shaking his head. "But mostly I want to help you. I wasn't aware of all the crap you were going through because of Jim and all you know about him, but now I am. And now that I know all the things you're enduring, all the things you're doing and all the things you had to sacrifice at the cost of keeping everybody safe; I can't forget it, I can't step aside and leave you alone in this." I kept saying, looking fixedly at him as he was still looking down, frowning and pursing his lips. "It's not fair that you have to be alone, that you have to suffer alone, that you have to fight alone, that you have to risk your life only to protect all of us. It's not fair that anyone is helping you. And I understand you're doing this because you're a damn good man and you don't want to see us hurt, suffering or in danger. But you need help, you need someone to be there just to help you; and because just as you don't want to see us suffering, we don't want to see you suffering. I don't know why you cannot believe it, man; but you matter, you matter to all of your friends." I said in all honesty, in a soft way. Brian turned his face and looked at me amazed, maybe surprised for what I was saying because he wasn't expecting something like that from me. "So, let me help you."
"I don't want to involve you in this because I know too many dangerous things. And yes, I won't deny that maybe sometimes I feel like I need some help, maybe sometimes I needed someone to tell me what to do, what to say and how to act, or simply knowing that there was someone; but every time I thought about the harm and risk that could cause to the people I love knowing all the things I know, made me realize that the best for everybody is if I do this alone and I don't put anybody at risk." Brian answered.
"The best for everybody? What about you?" I asked rhetorically. Brian looked down and sighed.
"What about me, Darren? I'm no one and I have nothing without the people I'm trying to protect. Most people in any kind of risky situation have a lot of variables to consider mentioning family, friends, talents, virtues, work, dreams and a prosperous future. My case is different because I don't have variables to consider but the people who make who I am and who give me the good things I have that I wouldn't have without them. So, what about me? I don't have anything to lose; the only thing I can lose is what I'm trying to protect." Brian answered and I looked at him sadly. How could he say something like that? How could he love so little his own life?
"Let me tell you all the variables you have to consider..." I stated and Brian looked at me frowning. "Family: your dad and the little girl you have in your arms; let's not forget that both of us heard her when she said you were like the dad she never had." I reminded and Brian looked at Zoey, smiled faintly but fondly and twirled a lock of her hair on his finger. "Friends, you really thought you had no friends as the asshole of Jim said? You have Freckles, your best friend who loves you in an extraordinary way." I mentioned and Brian looked sad and gulped when I mentioned her; evidently because of the call, but I knew Freckles would understand him, she loved him. "Mandy, the sister of your best friend who's like your sister; Joey, who admires you and considers you as his bro; February, one of the people who always tried to make me see that you were a great person when I was wrong about you; my brother, who told me you were a cool guy and he was glad I had friends like you; and me. I know I've failed you and I know I've hurt you, but you're my friend, one of those good friends." I said frankly, now looking down and biting my lower lip because of the guilt. However, when I looked up and saw him looking at me as if he was thankful, I grinned. "Talents: you're a fucking genius when it comes to writing. You have that ability to turn complicated facts of life that we barely understand into simple and meaningful words and texts; not only that but you make the readers think and interpret your texts to get the message, so that they can formulate their own statement and accept them as their own. You see, that's something that only a very talented writer can do. Besides all of that, you're like one of the smartest people I know." I told him bluntly as he was looking down and pursing his lips, as though he was uncomfortable. Maybe he wasn't used to people telling him he was good at something. Maybe nobody ever told him he was good at something and that idea made me feel pity for him. "Virtues... Oh well! Where do I start? Let's start with the fact that you're one of those few people who are willing to give absolutely everything for the people they love. You're unselfish, charitable and compassionate; you enjoy more giving than receiving. You care for real about others more than any other person I know. You're kind-hearted. You always forgive people even when they do unforgivable things and you always give them second, third and countless chances because you always see the good things of others. You're humble, modest and simple; you don't care about material and superficial things. You give life to others, in actions and not only words, and I witnessed it. You're one of a kind, dude." I admitted honestly.
Brian was looking down; his lips were trembling and he had teary eyes; yet he wasn't crying. I wondered if anyone ever told him things like these for him to feel thrilled this way. I placed a hand on his shoulder and gripped it softly as he placed his hand above mine and tapped it as a way to say he was thankful, because apparently he couldn't talk.
"Let's talk about work... I don't have a job, neither does Freckles, Joey, or February. We're only 19 or 20... We're young. Yes, maybe we don't need it because we never had financial problems. But you're only 20 and you have a future ahead and a very potential talent; and if your chance for a job hasn't come yet, it'll soon come, maybe when you less expect." I said encouragingly and he shook his head almost imperceptibly. "You'll find a job and it'll be some kind of job you like. Dreams... I'm sure you have dreams; every human being in the world has a dream. Having a dream not necessarily means to have a big dream like being famous, being a hero or travelling all around world; it not necessarily means the typical dream of having a family, a dog, a house and a car; and it not necessarily means to be recognized worldwide but to be someone in world. Dreams can be little dreams, and sometimes those little dreams are the best ones, the ones that will truly make you happy; for some people their dream can be material, for others spiritual and for some others emotional. It's not that you don't have a dream, it's that you're giving up it; either because you think you won't get it or because you think you don't deserve to make your dreams come true; both options are bullshit. You can make your dreams come true and you deserve it, just as any other person deserves. You're not less important than others." I stated roundly, looking intently at him.
Judging by his face I noticed he had dreams, but he was just giving them up; perhaps because he was still thinking he was less than others, that he was worthless. Perhaps because he thought they were silly and other things were more important than his dreams. Perhaps because someone made him believe that his dreams would never come true and it was stupid to have dreams because they didn't take part in real life. Maybe the last option was the accurate, considering he always had a hard life in which he had to be realistic and he had to adapt to every rough situation, so that responsibilities took the place of all his dreams. That was sad.
"And a prosperous future. Look at you, man; all the things you have, the people who love you, your virtues, your talents... You really think you don't have a prosperous future? Only because right now things suck and aren't working, doesn't mean that your life will be like that ever after. Dude, you're just 20 years old... Don't you think it's too soon to state if you have a prosperous future or not? Look at Charlie Chaplin; before the age of 10, he had to figure out how to make a living on the streets of London by his own with his brother; and he's the freaking Charlie Chaplin. Michael Oher, during his childhood and teenaged years, Oher was living on the streets; then he ended up playing college football at the University of Mississippi and later then he was drafted into the NFL for the Baltimore Ravens. Halle Berry, she once stayed in a homeless shelter in her early twenties and she's now one of the best actresses. Chris Gardner, he was living on the streets with his young son; now he's an entrepreneur, investor, stockbroker, motivational speaker, author, and philanthropist. Ella Fitzgerald, she was abused by her stepfather when her mother died at a young age, she worked with the mafia for some time before the police put her in a school for girls; then she became the finest female jazz singer of all time. J. K. Rowling, the seven-year period that followed after her working as a researcher and bilingual secretary for Amnesty International, entailed the death of her mother, divorce from her first husband and poverty; and come on, she's J.K. Rowling, the genius who wrote the Harry Potter series! So, I don't know why you think you don't have a prosperous future." I pointed out as Brian was frowning, maybe thinking about what I was telling him. "All in all, I strongly think you have too much to lose; and not only that, but if we lose you, we'll be losing a great friend. So, I hardly think that doing all of this by your own and risking your life is the best for everybody. It's the opposite, buddy." I finalized, tapping softly his back.
"All of this... All of the things you just said..." Brian started saying in a thoughtful way, with his gaze lost; then he turned his face to look at me and frown, apparently curious. "It's because you're trying to convince me to tell you all I know about Jim?" He asked and I let out a short giggle.
"Partly." I answered while frowning and squinting, with an amused smirk; so Brian let out a chuckle and shook his head. "All of what I said is true, though. And I want you to tell me all you know about Jim not because I'm curious, but because I want to help you; I want to do this with you, like a team. We can bring him down if we do this together." I said, applying all of my persuasion skills. "But above all, I want to help you because you saved my life; I want to save yours too. Because we both know that now Jim will go after you to try to kill you; but he won't get it if I help you and if we work as a team."
"You don't have to do this, Darren. I didn't save your life; I just did what I was supposed to do." Brian responded, now looking at Zoey again, running a thumb across her cheek.
"What if you did what you were supposed to do? That doesn't take away the fact that you saved my life. Jim was aiming me with the gun, he pulled back the hammer and he had his fingers on the trigger, ready to shoot me. You stopped that. If it weren't because of you, I'd be dead." I said looking intently at him and frowning slightly, even if he wasn't looking back. "Why is that you can't feel proud of saving a life?"
"It's not that I can't feel proud. It's just that saving a life is a big deal... And I never do big deals in my life." Brian responded almost in a whisper.
"You did that big deal. And you not only saved my life, but you saved the life of that little girl you're holding. And you even let Jim off the hook, someone who killed one of your friends and who wanted to kill two others. That's a big deal. And you did it." I assured. "I think you should start believing in yourself and all the good you do. Sometimes you think it's not cool to feel proud of yourself because you don't want to look like some snooty dude, but when you do a great thing or when you achieve something you've been working hard, you deserve to feel proud of yourself; you deserve to think 'hey, I did it, man, I got it'. And this can be applied in all areas of life. And I assure you that you won't look like some snooty dude, you'll look like someone who accepts that does a lot of bad things, but also good and great things and celebrates his victories as he deserves." I commented looking at him, though he was just looking at Zoey. Nevertheless, I noticed a faint smile on his face.
"Thank you for thinking I can do something good." Brian responded and I grinned at him and tapped his shoulder.
"So, are we a team?" I asked insistently.
"I don't know." Brian answered and I sighed. Convince him was harder than I thought. "It's not that I don't want to be a team... It's that I know Jim will go after you if I tell you the things I know. I don't want that." Brian added.
"So, what if he goes after me? What if he hurts me? What if he knocks me down? It won't be the first time he does that. And I honestly don't care as long as we fight together to make him pay for all the things he has done. And I'm willing to take all the shit that can come to happen because I know that you and I can make this, I know we can bring him down; so all the risk is worth it." I said roundly, very self-confident and very determined. "Don't think about all the bad things that can happen to me, just think about all the things we can get if we work as a team; then tell me if your decision is to let me help you or not." I said looking intently at Brian. He seemed to be troubled and very thoughtful, frowning and looking down.
"Alright. I'll tell you all the things I know about Jim and I'll let you help me." Brian responded and I shook my fist in victory. "But if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell this to anybody else under any circumstances. Not even Sunny." Brian warned, looking fixedly at me and I nodded eagerly. "And you have to promise you won't go after Jim as soon as you get to know all about him." He said and I frowned, hesitating. I didn't know if I was capable of that. "You have to promise you'll stick with the plan of taking things slowly and stealthily, one thing at time; inasmuch as Jim knows what I know because he took the information I gathered of him. Nonetheless, I'm not that fool to have all the information in only one pen drive. He just knows I know the last thing I found about him, something inconsequential compared to all I know. So I'm planning to make him believe I'm at a disadvantage; hence you have to promise to act slowly and stealthily. If you agree with this, I'll tell you; if not, I won't say anything." Brian stated looking fixedly at me as I bit my lower lip and I hesitated.
"Yes, I agree. I promise not to tell anybody else, not even Freckles; I promise I won't go after Jim and I promise I'll stick with the plan." I finally agreed and Brian nodded. "So, tell me what he's up to and what his dirty little secret is." I requested eagerly.
"Jim's name is not Jim. His real name is Wade Whitfield, hence why he used W as pseudonym." Brian started saying and I widened my eyes and raised my eyebrows in astonishment. When Brian noticed my face he just nodded. "Yes, he's Kelly's brother; actually he's Kelly's twin." Brian made certain my wonder.
"No way." I whispered disturbed. Automatically I started remembering the story of her past that Kelly told me.
"Well, believe it, because it's like that. Wade had a pretty hard childhood and adolescence. He lived in Nashville, Tennessee. His father was alcoholic and he was a violent person, he died when he was fourteen. His mother was addicted to sleeping pills, so she was basically absent and she never stopped Wade's father from striking his own son. Consequently, during his pre-teenaged years, he began to develop a high-grade disease of schizophrenia and psychosis because he never got the help and treatment he needed. Therefore he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital at the age of twelve. He was separated from his family, and, mostly, from his twin sister." Brian said and I frowned, feeling more disturbed than before. What he was telling me coincided perfectly with what Kelly said. "The psychiatric hospital never helped. At the age of fourteen, right when his father died; doctors took him to his father's funeral and he took advantage to run away. He couldn't be found again because he was aware things would be more problematic for him; therefore he changed his identity, his appearance and his whole life; turning into the person you know. With the money he had saved; he moved to San Francisco, he underwent plastic surgery, dyed his red hair, and he changed his name to Jim Adams." Brian started explaining and I was very aghast. I'd have never expected to hear something like this. "Of course he chose the last name Adams; he investigated about a certain family that could shelter him. There was this Adams family; they were just a couple with only one son, much older than Wade; they were a wealthy family. The father was unfaithful and the mother knew it, but she couldn't leave that man. Thing is Wade appeared in the Adams' house saying he was his illegitimate son and his mother died few months ago. He investigated about an older lover that the man had and Wade told them that he would be transferred to a state orphanage because he had nothing, he was underage and he didn't even have a house because he had an eviction order. The story shocked the parents, so that they became his legal guardians and accepted him in their home." Brian explained and I was trying to understand the whole story. Fuck, Jim was wittier than I thought. "The Adams enrolled him in St. Ignatius College Preparatory and he was admitted. Wade's new brother is called Luke Adams, he's Sunny' photography professor. They never got along because Luke always suspected of Jim; but that didn't matter to Jim because Luke was studying in this same University, so they didn't see each other so often. For Luke, Jim was never his brother and he doesn't even want to see his face." Brian told and I remembered when Freckles told me about her suspicions of her teacher; she wasn't so far. "As I said, Jim or Wade is schizophrenic. He was one person in his new family, he was other person in school and he was other person when he was alone. In his family he was the perfect son; in school he was the popular and cool guy; and when he was alone he was a complete psychopath." Brian said and I nodded. Everything was starting to make sense now. Damn shit, he really knew a lot. How come he knew all of this? "His morbid plans always involved destroying everything related to love; for too much was what he has suffered in his real family that he could never believe in love. He always thought that love is a stupid thing human beings invented to destroy people. That was precisely what he told to his twin, Kelly." Brian said and I frowned, remembering when Kelly told me exactly the same words that Brian was saying. "Wade could never stand seeing good people, because he thought no one was good; and he could never stand seeing people showing love, because he thought love was something fake. Love was weakness for him. Hence he always focused on destroying good people and people who loved and were loved. The way he could get this? By threats and bullying." Brian stated and I clenched my jaw in anger when I heard this. That fucking asshole. "He destroyed his own sister's life. Kelly was dating a guy during her teenaged years. He did to her the same that he did to you and Sunny. He forced the guy to leave her with no explanation. So, the guy always loved Kelly for real, but he was forced to lie and say he never loved her and he only wanted her for sex. There you go; he destroyed two people who were in love. The worst part was that Kelly didn't know any of this until I talked to her a month ago and I told her how things were; she always thought the guy never loved her." Brian said and I dropped my jaw and raised my eyebrows in astonishment. Jim was such a bastard!
"You talked to Kelly about Jim?" I asked confounded. I thought he didn't tell this to anyone.
"Yeah, I did. I thought she deserved to know. Besides, I needed to get more information about Jim and his past and Kelly was the only one who could help me." Brian answered.
"And are you sure Kelly isn't on Jim's side? What if she's fooling you?" I asked gingerly and a bit alarmed.
"She's not. I wouldn't risk everything I had so far; so of course I investigated her before talking to her. She's clean, she has a normal life and she's a sane person who has suffered a lot. Of course she loved her brother, because it wasn't a simple brother, Wade was her twin and twins have a special connection. But Wade didn't exist anymore. Wade died when he changed his whole life. Although Kelly didn't know anything about him since she was fourteen, she knew Wade wasn't part of her family. She even began to hate him for convincing her that love did not exist." Brian responded and I nodded silently. "When I told her how things actually were, she practically begged me to help me to imprison him. She would never forgive her twin for ruining her life and for taking away the person she loved. She thanked me for telling her how things are. She got in touch with the guy again and fortunately she got him back."
"She got him back? Does it mean that…?" I asked amazed.
"That means she got her boyfriend back. And she's happy now. You should see how much she has changed for good. She is not that nasty girl I met months ago. She returned to be the person she was before Wade fucked up her life." Brian said smiling slightly and I grinned widely when I heard this. "So, as I was saying, that's the way Wade always acted to prove people that love was a bad thing. He started doing it in our school. It was always him; he was W, the only one. Karen was another victim like Sunny, like you, like Jen, like Mandy, like Susan, and like me. The others such as Dean, Peter and Alexandra just had some conflicts of wanting to be popular, so they just did what Wade said." Brian said and I suddenly felt really bad.
"Karen... Was innocent?" I asked bewildered.
"Yes, she was. I didn't know that Karen and Susan were innocent till months ago." Brian answered. "Karen was forced to do all she did to protect you and Jen. Karen's weakness was you. She was in love with you and Jen was her best friend; she loved both of you. When Jim found this out, he couldn't stand it; so he played with her. He also destroyed her." Brian said looking down in a sad way.
I cursed myself, feeling terrible. I always judged Karen, I always thought she was a hideous person, I always thought she faked our friendship and I always thought she was a psycho; when all this time she was threatened by Jim, she was protecting me. Fuck.
"Oh crap! I need to talk to her." I whispered.
"That won't be possible." Brian said sadly and I looked up.
"What do you mean?" I asked gingerly and a bit frightened and Brian bit his lips before answering.
"She was going to tell you the truth because she thought you had to know all of this, but Jim threatened her again, so she had to hide. Later on, she found all the information about Jim that I have. When Sunny asked me to get information about what happened that night in the hotel room... I contacted with Karen. She gave me all that information and told me to be careful; she hoped I could help and I could do something and... She asked me to tell you she was sorry for all the things she did to you and Sunny. I'm sorry I never told you this, but I couldn't." Brian apologized but I was shocked.
"I understand. But where is she now? Where can I find her? I really need to talk to her." I said almost desperately. I needed to apologize to Karen. Brian looked down again and bit his lower lip in a distressed way. "What?"
"That won't be possible, Darren. Jim found this out. Jim found that Karen was helping me." Brian said and I started shivering.
"So? Tell me, for fuck's sake!" I exclaimed edgily.
"Jim killed her four weeks ago." Brian answered and I froze.
"No. No, no, no. Fuck, no!" I exclaimed aghast.
"I don't have evidence, but I'm sure it was Jim." Brian kept saying but I was too shocked to listen. I was just shaking my head in horror. "I'm sorry I couldn't do anything."
"It's not your fault, Brian." I said, now feeling angry. "It was Jim's fault and I'm gonna fucking kill him."
"Don't do it, Darren. Jim's gonna be imprisoned and we're gonna get that through good and legal ways. He's gonna die behind bars, and you must not be imprisoned. So, you're not gonna kill him." Brian said but I was too furious.
"I don't care if I'm imprisoned; Jim deserves to die in cold blood." I said clenching my teeth.
"Think about all the things you'll miss if you're imprisoned, think about all the people you're gonna hurt if that happens. I'm sure you don't want it; you're a good guy, unlike Jim. You must prove Jim that the good always wins, not the bad." Brian said softly, trying to calm my rage.
"Right... You're right. But he's gonna die behind bars." I said determined, in a cold way.
"Take it for granted." Brian assured and I nodded. Jim was going to pay for all this shit.
"Yes. Keep telling me what other shits Jim has done." I demanded upset.
"Then... Susan was also threatened. Susan was my girlfriend in my Junior year." Brian said and I frowned.
"Weren't you in love with Freckles since your Sophomore year?" I asked harshly and Brian bit his lips. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude... It's just... You know..." I apologized.
"It's okay, I get it." Brian replied. "Yes, I'm in love with her since my Sophomore year, but I never thought I deserved her love. As Jim mentioned, I realized that although she once talked to me, she never noticed me; she never knew who I was. And then Susan appeared when I joined the football team. And she was nice to me, and never anyone was nice to me; so she became my girlfriend. It didn't last much, though, because she said I wasn't in love with her and she was jaded of dealing with my insecurities that my past caused; so she broke up with me." Brian said and I bit my lips, now feeling bad for the way I asked him so.
"I'm sorry." I said.
"No, it's alright. She was right; I wasn't in love with her." He responded while looking down.
"Because you were in love with Freckles." I stated.
"Yes." Brian answered with a sad half-smile. "Well, it doesn't matter. Point is she was my first and I was her first. So, even though we were never in love, we had some kind of connection and Susan was a really good person. When Jim found about this connection, he couldn't stand it and he forced her to do all the things he wanted or he was going to kill me and her family." Brian said and I shook my head, feeling even more furious. "There you go; he also destroyed Susan's life." Brian added and I felt deep hate for Jim. "Then he got me, when he found out that I was in love with Sunny and I'd do everything for her even if she didn't know who I was. He definitely couldn't stand that, he thought it was absurd and pathetic. Then he also found out about my past and how much my dad means to me. So... You already know the rest, Jim said it." Brian said distressed, looking down and pursing his lips. I just nodded, feeling bad for him.
"He also destroyed you." I said while thinking how the person he loved and all people in general thought he was a real bully because of Jim's fault. I automatically regretted what I stated.
"Yes." Brian responded with cracked voice. Nonetheless, he cleared his throat and wiped his few tears away. "That changed, though; when I got to talk to her and she believed in me. I had hopes." He added and I nodded, thinking about when Freckles told me for the first time that Brian was a good person and I said she was crazy. "Well... Maybe now he got to destroy me again..." Brian whispered distressed and I remembered the phone call. I placed a hand on his shoulder and I squeezed it.
"I'm sure Freckles would understand you. You're her best friend." I said encouragingly.
"And I've been lying to her." Brian responded in a whisper.
"You haven't, buddy. You were just... hiding that part." I said a bit awkwardly.
"An omission is still a lie. She won't forgive me for that." Brian added while shaking his head in an afflicted way.
"Listen, buddy, everything will be alright. And if for some reason she can't forgive you, I'll talk to her and I'll make her see how much you care about her. But you won't lose her, Jim won't destroy you again." I assured, trying to cheer him up.
"No, don't talk to her about me. I have to deal with this by my own. None of this would have happened if I had been brave enough to tell her my feelings since the beginning; or if I had told her I was in love with her when you asked me to. I have to take care of the decisions I've made; and if she doesn't forgive me, I guess it'd be because it's what I deserve." He said anguished but determined.
I felt pity for him, perhaps because I was sure that, judging by what Freckles said during the phone call when she found that gray box, she was upset and it'd be hard for her to forgive him and it was unfair. It was so fucking unfair.
"Well, as I was saying..." Brian quickly said, evidently to change the topic of conversation. "The first person Jim wanted to attack was Sunny. He noticed she was secretly in love with you... since her Sophomore year. He thought it was pathetic how a 'loser' like her could be in love with a 'weirdo' like you and how you never noticed her. The intention was only to destroy her, not you and not Jen. But then you and Jen became friends of her; he noticed you both cared about her for real. Then he decided to destroy the three of you. Later then, when he found out you were in love with her, all of his plans focused on destroying your love. And he got it that night in the hotel room." He stated and I clenched my fist, feeling extremely furious when I remembered that night and how Jim forced me to leave Freckles, screwing up everything and forcing me to walk away from the one person I've ever loved. "I didn't know about it until Karen gave me that information. If I'd known it by the time Jim did it, I'd have told Sunny that you never meant to walk away from her and neither of you would have suffered. Because she loved you like anybody else, she never loved anyone the way she loved you... And you loved her back." He said while looking down.
"Would you really have done it? Even if you've always been in love with her?" I asked while frowning. He looked up at me and smiled sadly.
"I love her. Of course I'd have done it, because all I care is to see her happy and I knew she would have been happy with you." Brian answered with choked voice, still with that sad smile. I gasped and felt very impressed by his answer. "I understand that sometimes when you're in love with someone, that person doesn't love you back; and when that happens, the only you want is to see that person happy, even if it's not with you as you'd wish." He added.
"Isn't it hard?" I asked curiously, trying to understand the way he was feeling.
"It is." Brian responded, looking down again. "But it's the best you can do. And eventually you learn that when you love someone so much, it's better to see that person with someone else but happy, than to see that person with you but unhappy." He added and I nodded, feeling confused, though. I still couldn't understand how he could bear that.
"You never tried to be with her... How can you be so sure that she doesn't love you back and that she'd be unhappy if she's with you?" I asked, remembering when Freckles told me that maybe she was in love with him. Brian looked up with teary eyes, yet not shedding tears.
"Because I live with her and she shared with me her deepest secrets. I've heard her talking about you and I've seen her dating Ian." He answered and I frowned and bit my lips. That was surely something hard for him. "She never looked at me the same way she looked at you and when she talked to me her eyes never twinkled the same way they twinkled whenever she was talking about you." He added and I felt something weird, like a pang in the stomach and pain in the chest. Dammit, it's been a while since the last time I felt something like this. "Sometimes you don't need to talk to the person to realize they don't love you back; it's with simple details, like the twinkle in the eyes or the additional and almost imperceptible brightness in the smile, that you can realize the truth that they will never love you back the way you do. And you learn how to admit it; then you just choose to move on and not dwell on all the negatives because that's what you have to do." Brian responded with a half-smile, looking down. I felt thrilled with his answer and I began to feel pity for him again. Crap. It was really awful when someone didn't love you back. "Anyway, we were talking about Jim." He said while clearing his throat, again trying to change the topic of conversation. Apparently he wasn't comfortable talking about Freckles; well, duh, I was Freckles' ex-boyfriend. "When we finished high school, Jim knew we both were admitted to University of Michigan. He had already destroyed our lives, yet he wasn't content. I don't know why he was too obsessed with you and Sunny. At some point I thought he was falling for Sunny and he hated that feeling, he hated what she was doing to him, so that he wanted to hurt her even more. But no... That wasn't the reason. The real reason was that he couldn't understand why she was still in love with you when you left her, why you were risking your life while trying to find her after that night and why I was still around her trying to convince her that she should talk to you when I could have taken advantage of that situation. You see, his plans didn't work the way he was expecting and that drove him mad. So he moved to Ann Arbor and started a new life here with a new identity. You know what his name is now? Everett Sunder." Brian said while raising an eyebrow.
"Everett, like my name and Sunder, like... Sunny?" I asked in disgust. What a deranged fucker!
"Yeah, exactly." Brian affirmed. "Anyway, when he noticed that she definitely didn't want to see you and you gave up on searching her; he just forgot about you two and he started finding new victims, in Ann Arbor." Brian commented and I frowned. I didn't understand.
"Why is he back, then?" I asked.
"Because I started stirring up the past." Brian answered and I just looked at him very intently. "He didn't care when he found out I was just investigating about that night, because he did a good job hiding all evidence that could prove you did not mean to leave Sunny. But when I was looking for that night in particular, I found certain photo of him... But his name wasn't Jim, the name of that person was Wade Whitfield, but that was Jim. I started to suspect and then the information I was supposed to find wasn't in my top priorities. I had to find out who the hell was this Wade Whitfield guy, why he looked like Jim, and why he was being wanted by the Tennessee state." He explained and I frowned in astonishment. Was Jim really being wanted by the Tennessee state? Whoa. "When Jim found out what I was investigating, he broke in my dorm room and ever since he didn't stop harassing me. His plans were no longer to cause pain and suffering to the people who loved and were loved; his plans were now to destroy me because I was getting all the information to imprison him for all the crimes he has done. He escaped from the psychiatric hospital, he changed his identity, he stole the money of the Adams family, he killed five people so far, and he raped a girl. He is accused of escape, homicide, robbery, forgery, conspiracy, possession of illegal firearms, and sexual abuse. That amounts to life imprisonment." He stated and I raised my eyebrows. So this was really big shit. Jim could really die behind bars. "So, when he found out I had almost all the evidence, he wanted to kill me and he was about to do so. But sometimes I'm not the fool I seem to be... I knew this evidence and information was important, so I have it saved in four different places. None of them was the pen drive I gave to him. I have the information in my laptop protected with a password; then I have it hidden in a hole under a loose parquet block of my bedroom; also I've sent my dad a package with the information and told him not to open it under any circumstances until I tell him to do so; and the other part... Sunny has it but she doesn't know; she has a certain necklace with a heart pendant; I broke the pendant to put a chip with all the information in there and then I fixed it. She always wears that pendant." Brian said as I was looking at him amazed because of his cleverness. Then I visualized Freckles' necklace. Yes, I saw it. "If something bad comes to happen to me; if for some reason Jim kidnaps me or kills me; my dad and Sunny have the information to complete what I couldn't. If there's one reason why Jim hasn't killed me yet, is because he first needs to know where I have all that evidence to burn it."
"I see and it makes sense... But... If something bad happens to you... How would your dad and Freckles know that they have that information?" I asked confused.
"Well, considering where I'm standing and considering I could be killed in any moment, I had to make a legal will. The will makes explicit what they have to do." Brian answered and I frowned and shook my head.
"Are you really thinking you can be killed?" I asked kind of disturbed.
"Yes. In these types of situations one has to be realistic. Once Jim finds all of the information I gathered, he will come to kill me because he can burn it all, but he knows I know where to find it again and again." Brian answered while raising an eyebrow.
"Aren't you scared of knowing he will come to kill you?" I asked almost in a whisper.
"Yes, I am. But I'm more scared of seeing how that psycho is still free to cause more harm to innocent people. If he kills me, then he will be immediately imprisoned; then at least my death will be worth it." Brian responded while shrugging. I looked at him in silence for a while, frowning and feeling aghast.
"How can you say that? How can you say that your death will be worth it? No. You can't die. How can you say you want to die to imprison him?" I asked incredulous.
"I never said I want to die. I don't want to die, I'm scared to die and there are still too many things I want to do before dying. But I can't control what Jim does or not. So, what I said is that if he comes to kill me, then at least something positive will come out of that. He won't be able to ever kill anybody else." He replied, finally looking at me with a half-smile. However, I remained serious and disturbed.
"Don't say he's gonna kill you. He won't kill you. We're a team now, remember? I won't let that asshole kill you. We both you and I will live so many years, seeing how the douchebag of Jim suffers behind bars for all he did. We both, together, buddy." I assured with determination while looking fixedly at him as he was looking at me flabbergasted.
"Thank you for wanting to help me and not freaking out now that you know what Jim is capable of doing. Thanks, man." Brian finally said, grinning grateful.
"Thank you for saving my life, pal." I said smiling back at him, so he looked away, shook his head and let out a short giggle. "Also... Thanks for sharing this information with me."
"You were driving me nuts and I knew you wouldn't stop insisting until I tell you. What else could I have done?" He joked and I laughed, he had a point. Then we remained silent for a while until he sighed. "I think I should return to my dorm room now. Zoey is starting to shake from the cold and... Well... I have unfinished business waiting for me." He said, obviously referring to Freckles. He placed a hand on Sawyer's grave and smiled sadly. "See you, buddy." He whispered looking at the puppy's grave.
Then he stood up and so did I. He used both arms to scoop Zoey up and held her upright against his chest with her head turned to one side; he placed one hand under Zoey' bottom and the other supporting her back and head as Zoey threw her arms around Brian's neck and rested her head on his shoulder, still fast asleep.
"What are you gonna do with the little girl?" I asked.
"I'll take her to my place and tomorrow morning I'll take her to the orphanage. They must be looking for her." He answered while stroking her hair. When he kissed her temple, I nodded. He was nervous and I knew why.
"Chill out, bro. Freckles will understand. You'll talk and she'll forgive you. There's no way she can walk away from you, that would be stupid and she's not a stupid person." I said encouragingly while tapping his back reassuringly. Brian just bit his lips and nodded. "Although you don't need it because everything will be fine, good luck, dude."
"Thank you, buddy." Brian thanked. "Be careful and if you suspect something weird is happening, just call me."
"Will do, same goes for you, bro." I responded.
After this, Brian turned around and started walking away. I observed how he disappeared with Zoey and I looked at Sawyer's grave one last time before heading to my own apartment; thinking how crappy this night was, thinking how unfair this all was, thinking about the kind of psychopath that Jim was. He was going to be imprisoned.
When Brian called you and he requested you to look for that gray box, you thought there he had money saved and he was in some kind of trouble, so he needed it. But when you took a look of it and you started seeing a lot of photos of you alone and a lot of stupid things that once belonged to you, or things you've ever given him… You began to suspect. It wasn't till you read the first thing you saw and till you heard Brian crying and wailing when you understood what this all was about. You were disturbed and confounded, so you had to hung the phone call. This wasn't possible. Brian told you he was in love with a girl; you never thought that girl could be you. You remembered all conversations you had with him.
"Remember who you are now. You're a funny, cheerful, nice, kind, friendly, wonderful and positive girl now." He said.
"What kind of girls do you like?" You asked.
"The kind of girls who are funny, nice, humble, friendly and that inspire cheerfulness and kindness." He answered. You didn't suspect anything that time.
"Besides, I think I'm in love already." You said snickering.
"What? With who? Darren?" Brian asked exasperated and alarmed.
"Look into your eyes and try to see what your eyes cannot see." Brian whispered in your ear while wrapping his arms around you when you were looking in the mirror. "I see this pretty girl who looks sad right now, but only because her kind-hearted heart makes her think that she made a terrible mistake with someone. She thinks she is only hurting people and for that she feels as though she were a terrible person. But what she cannot notice is all the good she is making to people around her with her kindness, cheerfulness and loveliness. I see and I can feel all the sweetness and niceness she inspires to people. I can see a girl who always cares about others without expecting anything in return; a girl who does it because she dreams with a better world and because she believes in the power that a smile, a hug, and a nice gesture have that can turn someone's life for better." Brian kept whispering in your ear in a very sweet way. "I see a humble girl who is all the time trying to be a better person, more than she already is; but she constantly feels frustrated because she's too hard on herself. If only she could see how lovely she is..." He whispered. "And I wish I could tell her that I..." He whispered with cracked voice and then shook his head. "I wish I could tell her and make her realize that only her presence can turn someone's life without even the need of talking. Because she's that, she's inspiration. Even if she doesn't believe it; people who know her know that she is perfect, even with her flaws and mistakes." He stated. He didn't want to say it; he wanted to say something else, now you knew that.
"You know? You'd be the perfect boyfriend for me." You joked but Brian only giggled nervously, as if he was uncomfortable with that comment. He was uncomfortable because he really wished he could be that boyfriend.
"Why are you always so sweet with me?" You asked hugging him tightly.
"Isn't it obvious?" Brian replied in a whisper and then he sighed. No, it wasn't obvious, but it was obvious now.
"Just tell me that you want to tell me but you don't know how." You said looking fixedly into his eyes.
"I... I don't know how to... I mean... I can't do that." Brian said very nervously. "Sunny, I'm in..."
"You're in troubles, right?" You interrupted him. Crap, he wanted to tell you he was in love with you.
"I love you Brian, so do not refuse this." You whispered when he was telling you that his father got fired. And he suddenly kissed your mouth.
"I'm so sorry... I... I didn't want... It's just... I'm so sorry." He murmured ashamed. "Please forgive me, I didn't want..."
"It's alright, I understand you didn't want to do it; I understand that it was a reaction because you were feeling bad." You responded. Damn, no! He didn't kiss you because he was feeling bad. He kissed you because he loved you and he wanted to.
"But you love my sister, Brian." Mandy said distressed when she and Brian were discussing about the kiss on the beach for the supposed commercial.
"Of course I do; she's my best friend." Brian replied.
"I didn't mean it that way and you know it." Mandy answered back. Mandy, your own sister, knew that Brian was in love with you and she never said a damn word. How could she?
"And what about now? Are you in love with someone?" You asked when you and Brian were talking after you heard his conversation with Mandy.
"Yeah, I am..." He answered.
"With who? Do I know her?" You asked.
"Yeah, you know her." He replied and bit his lower lip, he was really uncomfortable.
"So, who's the girl?" You asked. "Is she attending University of Michigan?"
"Yes, she is." He responded.
"Does she know you're in love with her?" You asked.
"No, she doesn't know." He answered.
"But have you tried to tell her your feelings?" You asked.
"No." He replied.
"Why don't you try to tell her your feelings?" You asked softly.
"I can't do that because I know what her answer will be. She doesn't love me back, the same way I do." He answered sadly. Dammit, that girl was you. How come you didn't notice?
"I do love you." Brian whispered hoarsely when you and he were lying in bed, after you kissed Darren the first day you were at his apartment. "I think you're beautiful and you're the less ugly person I know. I think you're wanted; a lot of people want you. And do not think there's no one, because I'm here, so you're not alone." Brian kept saying. "You have someone with who you can cuddle; I thought we were cuddling right now." He said and held you in his arms even tighter. "I can caress you." He said softly, caressing your hair very smoothly. "I also can kiss you..." He said hoarsely as he kissed your temple. "And believe me, I'd kiss you all the times you need and want. And I wish I could have the money to take you to the movies... But you've got imagination and I've got writing skills, so we could create our own movie and it would be way better than going to the movies. I also wish I could have the money to take you out for dinner together, but I could always cook for you, something you like, and make you think we're in a very luxury and amazing restaurant." He said. "You can always talk to me, I love when you do that and I really love talking to you. I could spend hours just talking to you and that would make me really happy. And we have intimacy when we share our deepest dreams, fears, thoughts and feelings. And now try to look into my eyes..." Brian said amiably, placing a finger on your chin to lift it. "I love you." He whispered hoarsely but fondly. "You can share your love with me. I'm willing to receive your love and to give you mine; and we could have our own romance. We could write a romantic novel, I write it and you design the cover of it." He proposed. No; no this wasn't real. This couldn't be happening.
"Do you really love me?" Brian asked in a moan in front of your parted lips when you were making out on the couch, right after you saw Darren with that Kelly girl.
"Of course I do." You replied also in a moan. "You're my best friend, of course I do."
"Why are you doing this?" Brian asked disturbed.
"I don't know... Because I want to and... Come on, Brian..." You replied weakly trying to kiss and touch him again.
"No, stop, Sunny, really." Brian whispered. "What is this all about?"
"Just... I'm alone and you're alone... And this is like... Like a way to help each other. Like fuck buddies." You answered.
"Like fuck buddies?" Brian asked with sad eyes. "That thing of fuck buddies is a stupid thing. When friends do that is because they just want to have a fun time and they really don't care about each other's feelings. I don't want that with you. Not with you." He said. Of course... He didn't stop you because you were doing something wrong and he suddenly realized what you and he were doing. He was making out with you because he thought you had feelings for him and not because he was aroused; when you mentioned you were only best friends, this made him stop you.
"I need another guy, a guy who is interested in being with me, a guy who's willing to give me love, who's willing to treat me as a girlfriend." You said.
"You know?" Brian asked in a whisper. "I could be that guy." Brian said with trembling voice. "You want a guy who can make you feel attractive and loved, a guy who is willing to give you all the love you need and deserve, a guy who can make you feel as his girlfriend; so that way you won't feel as if you were lonely. Because there's a guy who will make you feel you're the most valuable thing for him. I know that's exactly what you tried to say. I can be that guy." He repeated. "What you need is not a boyfriend but a person who can make you feel special. You really don't need someone to kiss or have sex with if what you really want is to feel special to someone, feel loved, attractive and not lonely. Therefore I can be the guy. Let me be that guy for you. Give me the chance." He insisted.
"Okay." You agreed. No, damn, no! You shouldn't have agreed. What were you thinking? How couldn't you have noticed that he wanted to be that guy because he wanted you? You gave him hopes; you shouldn't have done it, goddammit. Then all he did that night: The spa session, the massages, the make-up, the dinner, the dance… No, crap.
"I guess you found a new lover." He said one morning, looking at his pillow that you were hugging.
"I did! It's the best lover ever!" You responded chuckling.
"I'm jealous." He said. "Would you mind if I replace your beloved lover for a few minutes so I can lie down in bed next to you to have breakfast?"
"I hope you're telling the truth, because that's what I want, to make you feel happy." He said smiling sweetly when he pretended to be shopping with you.
"I am. And I wish I could make you happy as well." You whispered.
"Trust me, you are." Brian replied with the sweetest smile.
"Why, though? I think I don't do so much for you. Then, why?" You asked.
"You really think you aren't doing much for me? What are you, insane? Sunny, please! You were my biggest support when that thing of my dad started happening; you were my support in everything, in the economic part and in the emotional part. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here." Brian said almost in a whisper. "And you do things for me that you cannot even imagine. You do a lot for me. So don't you dare to wonder such a thing, Sunny. You have no idea all you do for me, not even a damn idea. Everything I've done and do, it's nothing compared to all you do for me. You won't understand it, because what you do for me is not something tangible; it's something that involves other things like feelings. You make me happy for the way you make me feel. Believe it, Sunny." Brian whispered. It made more sense now. You never did anything for him; but just because he was in love with you he thought you were doing something.
"You're not a loser. For all you've ever done, either materially or emotionally, you're special to me. And that is also real." You said looking deeply into his green eyes.
"Thank you, Sunny." Brian answered with cracked voice. "I'm really happy to know I'm special to you, just as you are to me. I'd like to think we'll always be for each other." Brian whispered.
"I promise you that we will. I'll never walk away from you, Brian." You whispered. Oh no! What have you said? What if he thought you considered him special because you had feelings for him? It wasn't like that; no, it wasn't.
"Brian this is... This is the most wonderful thing I've ever seen." You whispered with choked voice when he showed you how he painted the entire bedroom with stars. "I feel as if I were... As if I was actually surrounded by the stars. This, oh my god, this is marvelous."
"You're in fact surrounded by the stars." Brian whispered. "Look above you, can you see that? The stars spell your name. See? Even the stars draw up your name. This means nothing but how special you are." Brian whispered very sweetly. Then you remembered that you painted his name. It spelled 'Sunny and Brian'. Why did you do it? What if he thought you painted it because you wanted to be with him? You were regretting all the things you've done.
Then more conversations started to pop in your mind as you were feeling completely disturbed.
"How can you be so happy and cheerful?" You asked curiously, thinking about all the things that were happening to him.
"I may be going through shit and I may be feeling bad; but when you do things like this, when you smile or do something nice, when you just show me that you care; then I have no reasons to feel bad. You make me feel happy, and you make me forget all the bad. So when you see me cheerful, it's because I really am." He answered with a grin.
"Don't cry, Sunny. I just don't like when I see your tears unless they're tears of joy; so show me your smile, because I'm telling you I'm fine and I appreciate you're listening to me; show me your smile because I love when you smile." Brian whispered fondly.
"Sunny, I've always done what you ever wanted, I've always given you what you ever needed, I've always forgiven you when you ever apologized; all of that because you are that special person I love most." Brian said while crying.
"But even if we were kind of distant, even if I wasn't here as before, I'd never stop caring about you, Sunny; because the fact that I couldn't forgive you, doesn't mean that I stopped loving you the way I do. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't care; I do care and a lot." Brian said distressed.
"You'll never lose me, Sunny, and I hope I never lose you." Brian whispered.
"What do you feel for me?" Brian asked almost in a whisper.
"You're my best friend. Even if lately we've been distant I never stopped loving you and considering you as one of the best things that happened to me, as my real best friend." You answered.
"Only as your best friend?" Brian asked looking deeply into your eyes.
"Yeah… Uh, yes. I… I don't know why you asked it…" You answered with stammering voice.
"Never mind…" Brian answered. "Uh... Sunny... Umm... You don't feel anything more for me, do you?"
"Eh… I don't know what you mean." You replied.
"You only see me as your best friend and you only feel for me the kind of love you feel for a best friend… Nothing more… Is that the way you feel… for me?" Brian asked slowly.
"You're a very special friend to me. You'll always be my best friend, I guess I'll never go further than that, so don't worry." You responded.
"Maybe there was a part of me that wasn't expecting that kind of answer, that was expecting something else; but it doesn't mean that I didn't like your answer. Actually, I think it's good to know what you exactly feel for me. Thank you for telling me; now I know where I'm standing. I guess I needed to check that we'll always be best friends..." Brian said very softly. "Never more." He added sadly.
"So, Clerk, what if we stop with this shit and you tell Freckles all you feel for once and all, eh? Because if you don't do it when she comes back, I'll tell her, I swear." Darren said harshly.
"What feelings do you have to tell me, Brian?" You asked suspiciously.
"Come on, tell her, Brian." Darren demanded.
"I… I…" Brian stammered with trembling voice. "I can't."
"Coward." Darren said rudely. "That guy over there who claims to be your best friend… That one you're seeing right now…Has been lying to you all this time; that guy made you believe a fucking lie. None of what you know about him is true, because everything is a damn lie. That guy never told you that actually he felt…"
"Please, stop." Brian interrupted Darren. "Don't do this to me, Darren, please." Brian begged.
"The truth that he doesn't dare to tell you is that he loves you!" Darren exclaimed.
"Well, Darren, I know that. And I love him back; naturally, we're best friends." You answered.
"He loves you more than that. He loves you…" Darren started saying.
"He loves you more when you're with him and you're in a silly mood because you make him feel good." February said.
"You know that's not the truth." Darren stated rabidly.
"Yes, that's the truth, Darren. I said the same thing with different words." February responded.
Darren and February also knew, just as Mandy knew. They all knew and they never told you a damn thing. Why? Why everybody has been lying to you? Why were you the last to know when you were supposed to be the first to know?
"Umm, I want to know what you and Darren were talking about yesterday. What is that thing you have to tell me?" You asked. "It seems you're avoiding it, Brian."
"Yes, you're right. I'm avoiding it." Brian finally answered "I still cannot tell you. I'm so sorry. I wish I could be different, I wish I could be brave and confident enough to tell you everything bluntly; but I am not." Brian said.
"Tell me, why cannot you tell me, Brian? Brian, you shouldn't be afraid of telling me, we're best friends." You said.
"That's precisely why I cannot tell you, Sunny. And I know this surely doesn't make any sense to you, but that is so." Brian replied while looking into your eyes. "I want to tell you; I even tried to tell you several times before, but it never worked, there was always something that stopped me. This could sound selfish, but trust me, this is unselfish; I'm keeping it inside for the sake of both of us; because I know that after I tell you, things between us will be different and I know it won't be a good change, it'll make things uncomfortable, and I'm still not ready for that. I'm so sorry, Sunny." He confessed.
"What can be that thing that could fuck up everything between us?" You asked.
"That thing I have to tell you is something that can definitely ruin our relationship. I'd like to be more positive about this, but I have to be honest; so that's the truth." Brian answered.
"Just tell me, Brian, and we'll find the way to make it. Let me help you." You said.
"You cannot help me with this, Sunny; because it involves you, because this is about you." Brian whispered afflicted.
"Is this about me? Is that there's something you don't like about me? Do you think I can get mad at you?" You asked suspiciously.
"Yes, this is about you. No, there's nothing I don't like about you. No, I don't think you can get mad at me but you can feel disappointed in me." Brian answered.
You remembered the article for the magazine he had to write: 'How to say I Love You in an unconventional way'. He wrote that text thinking about you. You also remembered the book he wrote entitled 'Words to my longed significant other'. You remembered the note he wrote to you and you read before reading the whole book:
"Before reading my book, I want to explain you some things I think you should know. I have never planned you to find this book and I have never wanted it; that's why I reacted the way I did. I was terrified by the fact you found it; I was nervous, disturbed and frightened because I knew you were going to ask about it, I knew you were going to want to read it. And I didn't want you to read it because this book is a special book; it's more like a sort of what you girls call a diary or journal. I am, obviously, the main character and everything is written in first person; everything is written from my point of view. It's not a story, it's not an essay, it's not an article, it's not an autobiography, it's not a documentary; all you'll read are my feelings written down in a bunch of letters, which are the different chapters, directed to a certain person, a real person. That person is the girl I'm in love with, just as you wondered. I know you'd want to know who the girl is; but you won't find her name in the book. I haven't mentioned her name. I know that after reading the book you'll be even more intrigued to know who the girl is. And I'm so sorry, Sunny, I really am; but I can't tell you. I still need time to restore myself and change myself and this problem I have before telling you, before confessing who the person I love is. Someday I'll tell you; but I need time."
You remembered all the things the book said; each one of the letters that the book contained. All of his words, all of his feelings, all of the letters were dedicated to you. You were that girl. You were the girl he was in love with. How could you have been so stupid and so blind? Everything was always so fucking obvious, yet you never suspected. You were feeling like an idiot and you were feeling betrayed. Brian lied to you all this time; and so did Mandy, Darren and February; and maybe also Joey. You grabbed the gray box and you started reading all of those texts that were dedicated to you. There were poems written in a sort of short book, there were short texts written in small stripes of paper; there were some songs written; and there were also some texts with a little bit of tear drops on the papers, they seemed to be part of a journal or something like that. You started with the small strips of paper.
"Perhaps not to be is to be without your being, without your going, without your being, without your coming suddenly, inspiringly, to know my life. And it follows that I am because you are. It follows from 'you are', that I am, and we are. And, because of love, you will, I will, we will, come to be."
"I have a very frequent solitude, so full of nostalgia and faces of you."
"It's really scary when you get attached to someone. You spend time with them, you get to know them. You find yourself knowing their favorite color, food, movie, song. You discover their flaws and their talents. And as time goes on, you learn more and more, absorbing every second of detail without even realizing it. Then one day, you wake up and realize how much this person actually means to you, and you love them for every strength and weakness. They make you feel warm and secure, but most of all, they bring you happiness. And to bring happiness to someone in such a way is a strong and powerful thing. It could break a person completely. Some say those who fall in love are young and dumb. I say they show an incredible amount of bravery. It takes courage to trust somebody with your entire heart."
You frowned and bit your lips when you read those. He couldn't be talking about you. That couldn't be you. He couldn't be in love with you. This was not happening. Nevertheless, you couldn't stop reading now. You needed to know absolutely everything; you needed to know that truth he has been hiding from you all this... Days? Weeks? Months? Or years? You didn't even know. You took the papers in which he wrote down some songs.
"Dreams, I have dreams
When I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my dreams
You're underneath my skin,
How am I so weak?
And now in my dreams,
I can feel the way, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams.
How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
Keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind latches, can you make it last?
And now in my dreams,
I can feel the way, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, and I have dreams, I have dreams.
Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showing signs?
And now, in my dreams
I can feel the way, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
I have dreams, I have, I have, I have dreams."
You closed your eyes and sighed. You wished this could be only a bad dream. You opened the eyes and you read the second song he wrote down in a paper.
"You look at me,
Like you always do.
You don't have a clue.
You smile at me,
You hug me,
But you don't know I want you.
You play with me,
You flirt with me,
You tell me all your secrets.
I'm always the one you run to,
but to you I'm just your friend.
Don't say I love you,
Don't say you need me,
Don't say I trust you,
My heart can't take it.
Don't say you want me,
Don't say you miss me,
Don't hurt me.
Don't say you love me.
I try my best to rid these thoughts,
Of you and I, it's so hard.
When you come to me,
I fall back on my knees.
I learned to hate love.
You kiss me on the cheek,
You say you'd never make it without me.
It's getting harder every day.
Please don't say to me,
Don't say I love you,
Don't say you need me,
Don't say I trust you,
My heart can't take it.
Don't say you want me,
Don't say you miss me,
Don't hurt me.
Don't say you love me.
My heart can't take it.
I love you so much.
But you don't see me.
I hate love.
Don't say I love you,
Don't say you need me,
Don't say I trust you,
Unless you mean it.
Don't say you want me,
Don't say you need me,
Don't hurt me.
No...
Don't say I love you,
Don't say you need me,
Don't say I trust you,
My heart can't take it.
Don't say you want me,
Don't say you miss me,
Don't hurt me.
Don't say you love me."
Fuck, no. Why? Why did it have to be like that? You never thought that saying all of those things could hurt him, you never wanted it. But how would you know? He never said anything; you didn't know. It wasn't your fault, it was his fault. You took those pages in which he wrote poems to start reading them.
"LAST NIGHT I DREAMED ABOUT YOU.
Last night I dreamed about you and I was not sleeping, quite the contrary, I was wide awake. I dreamed that there was no need to make any effort to get you, in you I was immersed. What to do with such anguish? For unresolved issues, with all this energy almost always misplaced. If I could forget myself forever, I'd find myself there in your sweet abyss. How nice it's to dream! Dreaming doesn't cost anything, to dream and nothing more, with open eyes. How nice it's to dream! And it costs you nothing but time. I dreamed that there was no need to make any effort to get you, in you I was immersed. Last night I dreamed about you."
"WHICH IS WORSE?
Which is worse? To die in the certainty of knowing they don't want you or to live with the uncertainty of not knowing if they will want you? The unrequited love or the heartbreak of who loves you without love? To not find myself or to end up getting lost? Which is worse? To want to enter and not make it or to want to go out and get locked? Which is worse? Not knowing what I am or not knowing what I want to be? To be brave in a world of cowards, or to be a coward in a world of brave?
Tell me if you find my answers, if you can at least give me the comfort I need, if you just know where I wanna go. Tell me your plans. Tell me if I'm really doing the right things.
Because my heart is not as strong as I thought it was. Because to play at being brave is not as easy. Because my hands are small to hold this world of trouble and I'm alone amid the collapse. I'm alone in the cave. Tell me if you find my answers, if you can at least give me the comfort I need. Tell me your plans. Show me the way I should go, give me a sign to show me the right decision.
Because I don't want fear to blind me. Because I don't want my smile to be an empty grimace. Because I don't want my gaze to be a teary glare. Because my fear is to repeat stories and fall into the vicious circle of my mistakes."
"TACTICS AND STRATEGY
My tactic is to look at you, to learn how you are, to love you as you are.
My tactic is to talk to you and listen to you, and construct with words an indestructible bridge.
My tactic is to stay in your memory, I don't know how or with what pretext, but stay within you.
My tactic is to be honest and know you are too, and that we don't sell each other illusions, so that between us there's no curtain or abysses.
My strategy instead is deeper and simpler.
My strategy is that someday, I don't know how or with what pretext, you finally need me."
"GOODBYE NUMBER THREE.
I leave you with your life, your work, your people; I leave you with your sunsets and sunrises. I leave you building your trust; I leave you with the world, defeating the impossible, without safe insurance. I leave you facing the sea, deciphering yourself alone, without my blind question, without my broken answer. I leave you without my poor and badly injured doubts, without my immaturity, without my dreariness. But do not blindly believe everything, do not believe, never believe this false abandonment. I'll be where you least expect it, for example on a dark old tree. I'll be on a distant horizon without hours, in the footprint of touch, in your shadow and my shadow. I'll be divided into two or three guys, the kind of guys you see and then follow you. And hopefully I can be in your dreams, waiting for you and looking into your eyes."
"ALWAYS
I am not jealous of what came before me. Come with a man on your shoulders, come with a hundred men in your hair, come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet, come like a river full of drowned men which flows down to the wild sea, to the eternal surf, to time. Bring them all to where I am waiting for you; we shall always be alone, we shall always be you and I alone on earth to start our life."
"SHELL HEART.
Because I have you and not. Because I think of you. Because the night is open-eyed. Because the night passes and I say love. Because you come to pick your image and you're better than all your images. Because you're beautiful from the foot to the soul. Because you're good from the soul to me. Because you sweetly hide in pride, sweet little heart shell. Because you're mine. Because you're not mine. Because I look at you and die. But I die worse if I don't look at you, my love. Because you always exist anywhere but you exist better where I love you. Because your mouth is blood and you're cold I have to love you, my love. I have to love you even if this wound hurt as two, even if I look for you and I don't find you, and even if the night pass and I have you and not."
"MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL TELL YOU.
Maybe someday I'll tell you that I stopped loving you, though I still love you beyond death; and perhaps you won't understand, in this farewell, that although love unites us, life separates us. Maybe someday I'll tell you that love is gone from me, and I'll close my eyes to love you better; because love blinds us, but, dead or alive, our closed eyes see more than while being open. Maybe someday I'll tell you that I stopped loving you, though I still love you beyond death; and perhaps you won't understand, in this farewell, that we stay together for life."
Brian was never supposed to write sweet and lovely things to you. All the beauty of his words, all of his soulful and wonderful words shouldn't be for you; because now you couldn't see beauty in them even if they were beautiful, you could only see angst in his words, angst of knowing that your best friend never saw you as his best friend, he always had deeper feelings that shouldn't have been. You refused to believe that you've always been behind his words; that he wrote all of that while thinking about you. You refused to believe that his words were entirely directed to you. You couldn't be that girl for him, and you didn't want to lose him; but... Why did you have to be that girl for him? The book 'Words to my longed significant other' was also there. You didn't read it again, though. You just grabbed the last texts he had written, those texts that seemed to be part of a journal, with teardrops on the papers. And you began to read.
"When she said she was my girlfriend, when she kissed me; even if it wasn't real, even if she was forced to say and do it... I wanted to pretend for a few minutes that I had her, that she was mine for real and then, those minutes turned out to be one of the best memories I have."
"I can look at her, but always from a distance. I can want and love her, but always silent. Hugs are allowed, kissing, out of the question."
"A best friend is always there for you, always reliable. You tell each other everything from your relationships to family problems, to stress from college. You two are always seen together. That's what best friends are, right? You're comfortable with them, trust them, love them, maybe even die for them. Once you fall for a best friend, there's no telling what would happen. What if they feel the same? Then, there's always the danger of breaking up and ruining the friendship. What if they don't feel the same? There's the danger of having the awkwardness between you two now. You'd lose your best friend either way. That's why I'm scared of getting attached to you. But I did. Now I'm only scared of you finding out that I'm in love with you."
When you finished reading, when you saw all the photos, when you stared all the things that once belonged to you; you put everything inside the gray box, you even took the time to accommodate everything in its place, and then you closed it and put it aside. You looked at the gray box, hearing nothing but the profound silence of the empty room. Your chest was aching. You felt a deep hole in your heart. You were disturbed, you were puzzled, and you were aghast; but above all, you were sorrowful and deeply anguished. You shut your eyes and you asked to yourself: Why was this happening? Why couldn't you just be best friends as you were supposed to be? Why did Brian have feelings for you? Why did Brian have to fall in love with you? Nobody answered your questions; not even that annoying little voice in the back of your head. When the silence and the pain in your chest were the only answers you got, you started weeping. You threw yourself onto the bed and you wept, the salt of your life soaking the pillow below, hot torrents of grief coursing out your eyes like the breaking of a dam, mingling with the uncomfortable softness of the sheets, your racking sobs shaking you thoroughly with the knowledge that you had been betrayed, that nothing would ever be the same again, that you lost your best friend. Gasping for air, you turned your head and sobbed some more. You didn't love him the way he loved you and this only could mean that you'd have to go separate ways. You'd have to reject him, you'd have to walk away, and you'd hurt him, but there was nothing else you could do. And this was what hurt you the most. You couldn't keep being with him; not as long as he was feeling all of this for you. You knew you wouldn't be able to act with him as before. It was probably one of the hardest decisions, but you stood up and began to pack all your stuff. You couldn't keep living with him, you needed to be apart at least until you figure out the way to keep being his friend. When you finished, you left the suitcase on the edge of your bed. Then you sat on your bed, waiting for Brian to arrive. You were feeling weak, dizzy and sick. When you heard the sound of the door opening, your heart began to beat really fast, your body began to shiver and your eyes began to shed tears that you wiped away. You took a deep breath and you just waited silently for Brian to pop in the bedroom. The door was closed, yet you could hear steps coming closer and then you saw a shadow through the cracks of the door. Brian was right behind the door. Nonetheless, he did not open the door. He remained there for several minutes; minutes that seemed an eternity. You couldn't bear the stress another minute.
"Keep calm." You repeated in your mind.
You closed your eyes and your heart skipped a beat when you finally heard the door got open. You opened your eyes and took a quick look for one last time at the ceiling, where 'Sunny and Brian' was spelled in shape of stars. A small tear escaped from the corner of your eye, running down your cheek and dripping into your mouth, as you swallowed deeply and took a deep breath. This was the method you used to stifle the emotions that would trigger a flood if left to flow freely. The cause of your angst was that you just didn't understand, or possibly, that you understood way too much now. When Brian turned on the light, you quickly wiped the wet track the tear left. When you looked up, you found Brian looking in your direction. You gasped when you saw his face bruised, his left eye black and swollen, dried blood on his nostrils and on his temple, besides the injuries he got last night in the frat party. When you saw his right eye, you saw he had bloodshot eye.
"What happened to you?" You asked frightened.
"I just had a bad encounter with bad guys." Brian answered and he leaned against the door. "I should have stayed in the illuminated streets. Just that, do not worry, I'm fine." He stated and you nodded.
Then his gaze fixed on your suitcase and he frowned with sad eyes. He looked down and did not mention a single word for a long. You didn't speak either; you honestly didn't know how to start this conversation.
"I'd like to think that in the suitcase there are only old clothes you want to donate or something." Brian whispered while still looking down.
"You know it's not that." You answered and Brian nodded and swallowed.
"Are you gonna leave?" Brian asked with choked voice.
You felt tears forming and pricking in the corner of your eyes, yet you held back your tears; you didn't want to cry. To prevent the tears falling down, you looked up with your eyes, you bit your tongue with your teeth, and you held your breath for 20 seconds, and then very slowly released the breath. But when you looked at Brian looking so sad, you couldn't help shedding silent tears. He wasn't looking at you, so you wiped your tears away.
"You know it'll be the best for the two of us." You responded and your voice cracked.
"No, I honestly don't know if that will be the best for the two of us. But if you think this is the best for you, I can't force you to stay." Brian replied while looking down. Then he looked at you and you saw his teary eyes. "I'm really sorry. And I'm so sorry you found it out this way. I'm really sorry." He apologized with shaky voice.
"I'm really sorry too. It was certainly not a good way to find out that my best friend has been lying to me all this time." You stated sadly. "This hurt me deeply."
Yes, maybe it sounded rude, but it was the truth. You were disappointed and you were feeling bad. Brian bit strongly his lower lip and shut his eyes with a sorrowful expression. By the time he opened his eyes, tears were already running down his cheeks.
"Why haven't you told me?" You asked softly, downhearted, looking fixedly at him. Brian looked at you and gulped.
"And what was I supposed to say? That I'm in love with you?" He asked with sad eyes and you just shrugged and sighed. "No, you're my best friend."
"But you don't love me as your best friend, Brian!" You pointed out in a loud exclamation. He shifted his gaze gloomily. "You should have told me." You recriminated while crossing your arms.
"For what? To lose you?" Brian asked exasperated and dejected, frowning and looking deeply into your eyes. You just shook your head while pursing your lips.
"No; to be honest with your feelings; to be honest with me!" You exclaimed with shaky voice, placing both hands on your heart. Brian pointed his eyebrows downwards and pouted. "You always tell me I need to be honest with my own feelings, that I need to say what I feel and that I have to take chances. You told me to do that with Ian and Darren. You always tell me all of those things but you never did it!" You reproached incredulously, looking intently at him, and frowning with vexation.
"It's different, because you're my best friend!" Brian exclaimed, evidently trying to find lame excuses for his poor behavior.
"No, it's not different, Brian! Because Ian was my friend and Darren was always my best friend too. It's not different." You answered back, now starting to feel a bit displeased.
"Yes it is!" Brian contradicted you, as you shook your head and sighed. "Because Ian and Darren, besides being your best friends, also had deeper feelings for you; they, somehow, also felt the same you were feeling for them." Brian began to explain and you bit your tongue in disbelief. You couldn't believe he was saying that. "Instead, I was pretty sure that you never felt for me the way I feel for you. You had chances with them; I never had a chance with you." He stated distressingly.
"You don't know it." You responded a bit harshly, frowning and narrowing your eyes. Brian parted his lips and looked straight in your eye. "You don't know if I ever felt something for you because you never dared to do anything at all." You added in a cold way and Brian frowned and looked down. He clenched his jaw and remained silent for a while.
"Yes, I know it because I know you." He replied ruefully, still looking down. "Because I was with you all this time, because I always listened to you, because you always told me what you felt for Ian or for Darren or for any other guy you liked." He added and you bit your lips and looked down. Although you still couldn't quite understand why he never told you, you had to admit that was true. "I was always aware that my part in your life was to be your best friend, only that." He voiced in a whisper. Afterwards, he looked up with those teary green eyes and that sad half-smile. "That is my part, being the best friend; and I'm fine with that."
"That is not fair." You whispered while shaking your head, still looking down. Then you looked at him and frowned. "None of this is fair!" You exclaimed loudly and Brian just pursed strongly his lips. "You let me tell you about Ian or Darren while deep down you were feeling for me something more than friendship! You let me tell you all my feelings for them while you were surely feeling terrible for that! Why have you done it?" You asked while slowly shaking your head. He looked down and remained silent for a long time, and then he sighed.
"It got to the point where I would rather deal with the pain of seeing you with someone else rather than not having you in my life." Brian responded and you frowned and parted your lips in disbelief. When he looked at you, he pointed his eyebrows downwards. "But don't get me wrong, I never felt something bad for you while you were with them. On the contrary, all I always wanted for you was happiness." He said with a warm yet sad grin. You had to look down and bit your tongue not to cry. "I don't care if I never could have the chance to have you, I don't care if you never loved me the same way I do; what I always cared, care and will care is to see you happy; to see you with someone who can make you smile with that bright smile that takes my breath away; to see you with someone who can give you all the love you deserve, a guy who can be able to make you feel so loved to the point your eyes start to glow with happiness, one of the most beautiful things of you; a guy who can make you feel the same way Ian or Darren ever made you feel; because they made you shine and so then you always inspired cheerfulness and joy. And that was mesmerizing." Brian said so fondly and so sweetly that you couldn't help shedding the tears you were holding back. Your heart was aching, he shouldn't say those things; this conversation shouldn't have happened. "That's all I care, that's all I want; not to see you with me but to see you happy." He said warmly.
When you looked up with your eyes full of tears, you saw Brian looking intensely at you with that particular twinkle in his green eyes and that specific half-smile while tears were streaming down his face. Your heart sank when you looked at him, so more tears fell down your face. Why?
"Since when?" You asked with teary voice. You swallowed and cleared your throat. "Since when do you feel this way about me? Since when have you been in love with me?"
"Since high school." He answered with choked voice and teary eyes. When you heard his response, you wailed with your head down and closed your eyes. "You were just a Freshman and I was in my Sophomore year. You asked me something in English class and since that moment I could never take you off of my mind." He added and you wept. Since you were a Freshman? You didn't even know him by that time; you didn't even remember that question. "I always tried to talk to you, to get closer... But I was always insecure; so I chose to admire you secretly." He whispered and you felt that painful lump in throat.
"Oh my god!" You exclaimed very low, feeling stunned. You were speechless, you were feeling terrible. Please, this had to be unreal.
"See? That's why I never told you my real feelings!" Brian exclaimed with choked voice and you looked up to see him weeping silently. "Because I knew you were going to feel like this! Because I knew you were going to feel bad because you can't love me back the way I do." He added and you bit your lips.
You couldn't say anything, because he was right. You were feeling bad because you couldn't love him the way he loved you; he was just your friend. Brian sniffled and looked down, apparently trying to control his tears. So he remained silent for a while, taking deep breaths and swallowing. Then he breathed out and when he was calmer, he looked at you mournfully. This was probably the saddest you've ever seen him.
"I never wanted this; I never wanted you to find out my real feelings for you." He confessed with teary voice, looking deeply into your eyes. "I was dealing with this, I was always trying my best to stop being in love with you." He added and you looked down because you couldn't stand seeing his sad eyes. "But then this happened, and you found it out. I don't want this. I just want to keep being that best friend for you." He said and his voice cracked. You looked at him to see him covering his eyes to then wipe his tears away. You pouted and your lips began to tremble, feeling deeply distressed. He stared at you and pursed his lips. "Forgive me for feeling this way about you." He whispered in a pleading way.
"That's not something you can forgive or not, Brian. I understand you don't choose who you fall in love with; you just fall in love and that's it all." You replied while looking deeply into his eyes and he smiled faintly. "But you certainly can choose to be true to your feelings and to the person you're in love with. Taking this into consideration, you have to let the person you love know what you feel and the last thing you have to do is to pretend that nothing is happening; because you're not only lying to the person you love, but also to yourself." You started talking. You had to let him know all you were feeling. Brian just looked down and frowned. "I understand you never told me because it's scary to tell someone you love them, or because you were afraid of being rejected. You did not tell me because you were afraid of losing me. But see what happened! We just lost everything we had, and not because you told me but because you chose not to. It'd have been better if you'd told me rather than lying to me. I'd have been able to understand you and to keep being your friend because you were honest with me and because I'd have understood how hard it is to be completely naked and just say your deepest feelings. But instead you lied to me all this time, for four years, Brian... Four years!" You exclaimed loudly, frowning and looking fixedly at Brian. Brian's lips began to quiver as you saw tears forming in the corner of his eyes. "All we shared and all we told to each other; all the caring words, the nice gestures, the tender caresses, the comforting hugs, the sweet kisses, the fond looks... All of that has a different meaning now; nothing would ever mean the same when I look back; because all of that had another meaning for you very different from mine. You see, I don't feel betrayed because you hid me that you were in love with me, but because everything we lived together is not as I thought it was. It's like... Now those moments shared were never true." You stated ruefully.
You saw Brian turning his face to rest his forehead on the door frame as tears were running down his cheek to then hit the floor. He had his eyes shut and you noticed he was trying hard not to make any sound while whimpering. He was breathing heavily and he wouldn't stop sniffling and sobbing heavily. His chest and stomach were contracting, surely because of the need to cry his feelings out he was trying to control. This was like the same heartbreaking crying during the phone call, only that more controlled now. You wouldn't deny that seeing him like that was breaking your heart; but you were also very hurt.
"I'm so sorry, Sunny!" He shrilled with choked voice as though his throat was closed up and tight. "Everything we shared was real. Every word, look, hug, kiss, and caress."
"No, because it didn't have the same meaning for you!" You answered back while shaking your head.
"Yes, it had. I swear, Sunny, I swear on my life that I always tried to be just your friend, no further than that. I swear I always tried to stop feeling this for you. I swear..." He whimpered in between the tears, still with his eyes shut. "I'm so sorry!"
"And I'm so sorry, Brian, but... I just... I can't be your friend." You said distressed.
You felt your throat tightening. You knew the ugly crying was about to come. When you said this, he looked abruptly at you with lips parted and quivering and more tears fell down his face as he was slowly shaking his head.
"Please, don't say that, Sunny, please. I can't really be without you!" Brian voiced exasperatedly.
"I... I'm sorry. You... you'll have to learn how to be without me, just as I'll have to learn how be without you." You responded trying to remain strong.
Truth was you wanted to cry; so that you bit strongly your tongue. He ran to your bed and he kneeled in front of you and took both of your hands in his. You let him doing so, but you turned your face to look away.
"I beg you, Sunny. Don't leave me." Brian whispered with cracked voice, looking piercingly and pleadingly into your eyes.
"I'm sorry." You murmured and let out your hands. "If I stay nothing will be as before. We'd be making up another lie because we would pretend that everything is fine when actually it's not. Everything would be awkward and uncomfortable and I'd never feel comfortable to be close to you again because I'd be all the time thinking that you don't love me as just a friend. I wish everything could be different, but it's not." You confessed, trying to be fully honest with him. He just sobbed and sniffled, closing his eyes. "And for all of that, we have to go different ways, for the sake of us. Thank you for all you gave me, for all you have ever done for me, and for supporting and comforting me always. Thank you for making me feel I was special. I'm very thankful, but I would have wished that behind all you were doing there wasn't an ulterior motive."
Brian dropped his head and he whined. You stood up and grabbed your suitcase, trying your best to hold back your tears. You were really saying goodbye to your best friend, so this was profoundly hurtful for you. You walked to the door with the suitcase, but before heading out, you turned your face to look at Brian. He was curled up in a ball, right where he was before you stood up.
"You know what is funny?" You asked while frowning. Brian didn't look at you, he just remained crying there. "There was a moment when I thought I was falling in love with you; and if you'd taken some kind of initiative, we'd have been together by now." You voiced and then you bit your lips. Brian finally looked at you with his lips parted and those very sorrowful green eyes. "Bye, Brian." You whispered.
"Sunny, don't leave! You promised you will never walk away from me." Brian exclaimed desperately and you froze. You felt really bad.
"I never thought something like this would happen." You replied without being able to make eye contact with him.
You heard Brian weeping, but you were already heading out. You couldn't look back because it'd break your heart even more. When you walked in the living room, you saw Zoey sleeping on the couch, covered with Brian's green and white sweater. What was she doing there? The little girl suddenly sat on the couch and rubbed her eyes. You froze there as she looked at you.
"Sunny?" She asked and you gave her a weak grin. "I heard you and Brian arguing."
"Uh... Err... We... We weren't arguing." You answered awkwardly as she turned her gaze to look at your suitcase. Gosh, how much you wished you could leave right now.
"Are you leaving?" She asked innocently as you looked down.
You just nodded as a response. Then you noticed that Brian popped in the room. He was looking at you and he still had teary eyes and his nose was red, but he wasn't shedding tears. Zoey stood up to walk to Brian and she enfolded her arms around Brian's legs. Brian looked down and stroked her hair.
"I don't want you to leave; I want you to stay. Brian is really sad and you and he should live together and happy ever after, like a fairy tale." Zoey commented and you bit your lips and frowned. You really had to leave this place; no, you didn't want to cry in front of them.
"Sometimes fairy tales have different endings." You responded, trying to avoid her gaze. Brian, in the meantime, shed one silent tear that raced down his cheek very slowly and dripped from his wobbling chin.
"I don't understand." Zoey voiced confused, clenching Brian's legs.
"When you grow up, you'll understand." You replied with a faint grin.
"Sunny, don't leave." Brian whispered with brittle voice and you shot him a withering look.
"Don't do this in front of her to look like a victim. We both know you're not the victim here." You whispered while clenching your teeth. Brian just looked down with quivering lips, dissolved into a puddle of silent tears.
"If I share with you my fairy dust, will it make you stay?" Zoey asked harmlessly.
"No... Not this time, Zoey." You answered feeling bad for responding something like that. "I... I have to go. Have a good evening." You quickly said.
You didn't give them time to speak. You practically ran to the door and walked outside. Nevertheless, you glanced at Brian before closing the front door. Your heart sank when you saw him as stricken as never before, puffy eyed with tears streaming down already wet cheeks; but this was the best you could do. You headed outside the residence and you started walking alone in the dark and cold night with your suitcase to take the bus to the North Campus. Now that you were alone, you allowed yourself to cry your eyes out accompanied with great heaving sobs. Yes, random people saw you crying in abject misery but you didn't care, you didn't know them and you needed to cry your feelings out. Even if Brian lied to you, even if he had deeper feelings for you that he never confessed, even if all he did for you was because he was in love with you; he was your best friend, the person who always stood by you; so it hurt profoundly to walk away from him, to say an ultimate goodbye to him. The heartache was too painful, the hole and the emptiness you were feeling in your heart were too painful. You were hollow. You arrived to the North Campus, you walked to the Bursley Hall housing and you knocked the door. You were feeling dizzy, also nauseous; you were sweating in cold, you coughed blood, you shed some tears and wiped them away. Seconds later, Meredith opened the door.
"Freckles?" She asked concerned when she saw your red and puffy eyes; then she shifted her gaze to your suitcase.
"Can I stay here?" You implored, letting out a heart wrenching wail that was followed by a series of blatant tears. "I have nowhere to go."
After I talked to Brian the next day and after he told me his situation with Freckles didn't work out; I decided to go find her. Thing was Brian didn't know where Freckles went, but I exactly knew where she could be.
"Hi, curly boy!" Meredith greeted cheerfully.
"Hi, Mere!" I greeted, giving her a friendly hug. "Is Freckles here?"
"Aren't you even gonna ask how I am?" Meredith questioned frowning and I just looked at her. "Yes, she's here. But I don't think she's in mood to talk to someone, Darren."
"Well, she'll have to be in mood to talk to me." I said determined and Meredith raised her eyebrows. "Can I come in?"
"Darren, Freckles is not feeling good. She had a pretty bad night." Meredith commented in a whisper, so Freckles wouldn't hear.
"I know, she found out that Brian is in love with her and she feels terrible because he lied to her and shit. Brian has got the worst part, though. And that's why I'm here, to talk to her about this." I answered and Meredith looked at me astonished, surely wondering why I knew that. "So, would you let me come in?"
"I really think..." Meredith started saying.
"Okay, Mere, I tried to be nice and respectful... But I'll come in because she needs to listen to me. So, excuse me." I said while pushing her softly so I could get in.
"Darren, what the hell? This is my dorm room; you cannot invade my privacy this way and act like..." Meredith began to complain.
"Mere, please." I begged, interrupting her. I looked at her with my 'puppy eyes' as Freckles called it.
"Fine; only because your stupid face can do some sort of dark magic." Meredith huffed and I chuckled, giving her a buss on her cheek. "She's lying in bed. I'll leave you alone because... I have a date." She said grinning widely and I widened my eyes.
"You have a date?" I asked amazed.
"I do. He's a cutie. So, see you..." Meredith said grabbing her purse.
"Hey, no, wait! You have to tell me about it!" I tried to stop her.
"I thought you came here to talk to Freckles!" She chuckled and I shook my head. "Smell ya later, curly boy!"
She didn't give me time to stop her, because she sneaked out very fast and left the room. So now I was alone. I walked to the bedroom and, oddly enough, the door was opened and I took the boldness to walk in. Freckles was indeed lying in bed, with her colorful wool quilt covering her entire body, even her face. So I couldn't really look at her, I only saw her body silhouette. I walked to her bed and, trying to not make any noise, I sat on the edge of the bed. I carefully folded the quilt so that I could see her face. She was fast asleep but she half-opened her eyes when I did this.
"Darren?" She asked with voice husky with sleep. Then she rubbed her eyes and yawned. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to talk to you." I answered softly.
"What about? February?" She asked with a yawn and I frowned.
"No, not February. Brian." I responded and she suddenly didn't seem to be so sleepy. She looked at me stunned, then she looked away annoyed.
"I don't wanna talk about Brian." She replied moody.
"Well, but you will." I stated in a bossy way.
"Excuse me?" Freckles asked in disbelief, raising an eyebrow, obviously disgruntled.
"You have to forgive him, Freckles. That guy really loves you." I started saying, completely ignoring her question. "You have to understand him. If he didn't tell his real feelings for you is not because he meant to lie to you; it's because he has had a pretty crappy past and he didn't want to lose you. If you only knew how much you mean to him, Freckles." I said very softly and Freckles frowned and narrowed her eyes.
"How do you know...?"
"I know because I've talked to him." I interrupted her.
"What? You've been talking to Brian? You? I thought you though he was W. Why would you talk to him?" Freckles questioned in suspicion.
"I really thought he was W. I was absolutely wrong. Brian is the most innocent and kind-hearted guy I know. And he loves you, Freckles." I insisted and Freckles was just shaking her head in disgust. "Freckles... Brian is a good guy and he'll never do something to hurt you intentionally."
"Well, guess what, Darren? He hurt me. He fucking hurt me." Freckles said rudely and I sighed.
"I know he hurt you. But you hurt him too. You told him that you had to go different ways, that nothing will ever be the same and that you can't be his friend. And Freckles, we both know that Brian needs you. You were his first friend and you're his best friend. You're the one person who made him change for good, who made him think for the very first time that he was a worthwhile person. And if you leave him, you're gonna tear him apart; he's gonna be bummed out and heartsick." I said sadly, trying to make her see the harm she was causing, but trying not to blame her, though.
"And who thinks about me? Who thinks how I felt and how I'm feeling, eh?" She asked looking piercingly into my eyes, frowning and with teary eyes. "And no matter what, I always seem to be the bad girl."
"I don't think you're the bad girl. And I do think about you and how you felt and how you are feeling. I know this was something hard for you; I know it was rough for you to have found all of that in an inappropriate way, I know you may be feeling somehow betrayed." I said frankly as Freckles looked away and pursed her lips. "What I think is that neither you nor Brian are bad people. Brian just made a mistake, he's not a superman, he's just a human. You need to stop seeing him as the perfect guy who always does everything right to start seeing him as the dumb human he is like all of us. If you do that, maybe you'd understand that if he didn't tell you his real feelings it's because he was insecure and he was scared of losing his only friend, Freckles." I said sadly, really trying to make her see this point of view. "Come on, Freckles... Think about us. In high school, since when have you been in love with me?" I asked while looking deeply into her eyes; yet she was looking down.
"What's the point of answering that?" She asked harshly because she knew exactly what the point was.
"You know it. You confessed me you've been in love with me since your Sophomore year; but we just met in your Junior year; and it wasn't till the middle of your Junior year that we started dating; and you didn't confess me so until three months later. You never told me you were in love with me; you hid me that, somehow you lied to me. It's just the same than what Brian did to you." I pointed out and she frowned in disgust; but she knew I was right. "Then... How long did it take me to tell my real feelings for you? I was scared like hell to tell you my feelings, so I avoided telling you for a long time. I was scared of losing our friendship forever because I had no idea if you felt the same for me. Don't you think that Brian had the same fear?" I asked while raising an eyebrow.
"It's not the same, Darren." She answered coldly.
"Yes, it's exactly the same. You never told me your feelings! I was the one who took the initiative and if I hadn't done it, you'd have never told me that you were in love with me. Why? Because you were scared." I elaborated and she bit her lips.
"Okay, fine, you were right there, maybe..." She admitted displeased and then paused for a little while. "But how do you explain that it's exactly the same than what happened to us? Because you had the guts to tell me, even if you were scared of losing our friendship. Brian didn't. He kept lying and lying. And I don't know why the hell he decided to finally tell me; but he was a coward who didn't dare to say it in my face! He, instead, told me to see all the things in that stupid box!" She exclaimed in disappointment and I looked down and sighed.
"He was gonna tell you everything he felt for you in your face. That best friends date you had yesterday? The one I told you not to go and so you did? He was scared, but he decided he was gonna tell you everything in that date. But you didn't go and he felt rejected. And I'm sorry because that was my fault. But don't think he didn't want to tell you everything face to face, because he wanted that; he never wanted you to find it out the way you did." I said in all honesty and Freckles shot me a withering look and then frowned.
"He was gonna tell me?" She asked.
"Yes." I responded in a whisper, looking down for feeling guilty.
"Whatever, he called me to see that box. I didn't find it by chance! He called me to see it because he regretted to tell me everything in person!" Freckles exclaimed while shaking her head.
"It's not like that... You know? Last night, before he returned to your dorm room, he looked for me. He was upset because he found out that I was the one who was trying to put you against him and he couldn't understand why. So we had a talk." I started explaining and she was looking at me suspiciously.
Damn, I knew Brian told me not to help him... But I just had to help him because, somehow, this was my fault; and because he saved my life and I had to return what he did for me. Besides, he was my friend; so I couldn't stay idly while seeing he wasn't doing well. And, judging by the way this conversation was flowing, Freckles wouldn't believe anything and she wouldn't forgive Brian.
"I... I forced him to call you. I forced him to make you see that box if he wanted to prove he wasn't W; so then if he proved he wasn't W, I'd stop trying to make you believe he was a bad guy. Brian practically begged me to not do it because he wanted to tell you everything in person; but I chose to be stubborn. Therefore, this all... This all is my fault." I apologized while looking down sadly. "The only good thing out of all of this is that I know he's not W. And I was always wrong. I'm so sorry for all the wrong choices I made."
"You forced him, Darren?" Freckles asked painfully slow.
"Yes." I sighed.
"Well... Thank you." She stated and I looked up to look at her astonished. "Thank you because thanks to you now I know that Brian has been lying to me."
"No, Freckles. Fuck, you don't get it!" I exclaimed loudly in frustration as Freckles looked at me raising her eyebrows. "Brian never meant to lie to you; he was always faithful to you! He was just scared of losing you, but he took the courage to finally tell you everything! I was the one who blew it and rushed things; because he was just trying to find the perfect moment to tell you, a moment that could be special for the two of you. Because, don't we all want that scary moment when we say our deepest feelings to someone to be special?" I asked exasperatedly, raising an eyebrow, still speaking loud. Freckles just shifted her gaze. "As any other human, he wanted it. He wanted to get one fucking special moment in his crappy life! And I totally fucked it up! And I didn't only fuck up that special moment, but I also fucked up your friendship that was never meant to be screwed up. If there's one person you should be mad at, that's me, not Brian!" I exclaimed so loud that it seemed I was angry.
"Why are you even defending him, Darren? You don't even like him; you never liked him." Freckles voiced coldly, raising an eyebrow.
"There you are wrong. Brian is my friend, that's why I'm defending him. He's like my bro, only that I wasn't aware of it before. And you... You're my very special friend. And I love you both. For that simple reason is why I'm talking to you right now, because I want to see you happy, guys; and it'd be a shame if you and Brian grow apart." I answered in all honesty, a little bit softly now. Freckles just remained looking away, but now she had a distressed expression. "Freckles, the only I'm asking you is to forgive him. Brian is broken and I'm sure so are you. Don't walk away from him for this. Give him a second chance because that guy really loves you and he'd give the world to you, for the sole purpose of having you as his best friend; because, although he is in love with you, he never intended to be more than your friend." I said as softly as possible. I saw how Freckles, still looking away, pouted and how tears began to form in the corner of her eyes.
"I don't want you to get me wrong, Darren." Freckles said with choked voice after a long silence. "While it's true I'm disappointed and maybe a little upset because Brian never told me he is in love with me since four years; he's my best friend and he means so much to me. I know he loves me, I know he'd give the world to me and I know he never intended to be more than my friend. He was always there for me when I needed. He gave me his best and he never tried to take liberties with me." She said anguished while a tear was streaming down her face. "I wish I could forgive him; because I love him so much, so this hurts me a lot. It hurts me deeply to let him go, to let go the person who always could draw a smile on my face even when things were all wrong. It's not like today I woke up and I said 'today I no longer love him' and so I did. No, I still love him. And I miss him, and I think about him, and I feel weird to wake up and not see him around handing me a coffee or telling me good morning. He was the only friend who always stood by me." She said sobbing silently, looking at her hands. So? If she still loved and missed him, if he was that friend for her, why couldn't she just get back with him? "I never thought I'd walk away from him. I never thought I'd lose my best friend. I never wanted it and I wish I could change this situation." She added distressed. "But try to understand the whole situation, Darren. It's not that I walked away because he lied to me; I'd forgive him for that as he always forgave me everything. The reason why I walked away from him is because, at least, I want to have a good memory of him, of our great friendship." She stated with cracked voice. I honestly couldn't get her point of view. "If I stay and I keep trying to be his friend after all that happened and all I know; things will get worse and worse as time goes by, for nothing will ever be the same; nothing will feel the same and nothing will be natural as it used to be. I'll be all the time thinking he's in love with me and he does not see me as a friend, and he'll be all the time thinking how to act so that I don't think he wants to go a step further. I'll hurt him with all the nice gestures and words; and he'll hurt me with all the pain he'll feel for knowing he won't ever have me. I'll be all the time feeling bad because I don't love him back the way he loves me; and he'll be all the time feeling bad because he feels guilty for feeling what he feels for me. Every moment, every look, every smile, every hug, every caress, every kiss will feel absolutely awkward, uncomfortable and weird." Freckles explained while crying louder. At this point I started feeling sad as well, because she had a point. Ah, dammit. "So, it's not I don't want to forgive him; I want and I do forgive him, because there's nothing to forgive anyway because he didn't choose to fall for me. It's just the fact that we'll never be the same. And I truly hate seeing how our friendship tore apart; I hate it and it's too fucking painful. But I can't do anything! Nothing will make us be the same." She sobbed and sniffled, and then covered her face with both hands.
I looked at her crying in that rueful way and I felt pained. Now I could understand what she was feeling and why she said goodbye to Brian; she had a point, a very accurate point. But... Brian. I didn't want him to lose her; not after knowing what she meant to him. I bit my lips and tried to think about something to tell her; but nothing popped in my mind, so I just enfolded an arm around her to try to reassure her. She leaned her head and rested it on my shoulder.
"You can try, Freckles. This never happened to you before; so you really don't know if you'll feel awkward around him. Maybe you won't. Maybe together you'll figure out the way to make it. When people wish something so very much, they always end up figuring out the way to make it work." I said encouragingly and reassuringly, with a warm smile while she was still weeping on my shoulder. "Just don't give up so easily from something very precious to you, because you may suffer in vain. Think positively; think that your friendship is not completely blown; think that you two can get through this and your bond can grow immensely because you found the way to keep it alive when everything seemed lost. You don't lose anything by trying, Freckles." I whispered kindly.
"Maybe you're right. But I just... I just can't do it now. I... I'm still very shocked for everything and I don't feel I have the enough strength to make it work, to make it less awkward and painful. I just can't see him the way I used to. I can't see him again without feeling hurt and sad. I want to, but... I can't! I can't see him again!" She cried mournfully. Damn, this was harder than I thought.
"You need to take your time. But just promise that after that time, you'll try to get back what you've never should lost. Tell me that when you said goodbye to him it did not mean a final farewell." I whispered in her ear.
"I promise I will try; but I can't promise that I'll turn that final farewell into a see you soon; because I'd be lying considering I don't know what will happen." She answered while trying to wipe her tears away.
"Just promise you'll try your best. Promise it." I practically begged.
"I will try." She whispered weakly and I nodded with a slight grin. I never wished more to see her and Brian together again, as friends.
November 20. It's been two weeks since the last time you saw Brian. You were living in the North Campus and him in the Central Campus, so you never encountered, you never saw each other and you never talked. Sure he called and texted you; but you never replied. There was a certain text message he sent you that made your heart sank.
From Brian (November 11): I kind of miss you, not as in I miss you because I like you, but I miss talking to you every day like we used to, talk as friends, talking about everything and anything all day, every day, spilling our emotions, talking about music and our problems, everything. I just miss when we used to talk, now it's like we don't even know each other anymore and it kind of hurts, even though we weren't anything, it still hurts knowing we've grown apart and it went by so quickly. I wish I could have you back in the way where we'd just rely on each other, as friends.
You actually wept secretly when you read that text message. You were in the middle of a class, so you had to leave and return to your dorm room. In public, you'd always deny that you missed him; but when the gentle night enveloped you and it was only you and your pillow, you used to shed silent tears because deep down you missed him like hell. You were trying, though; just as you promised. But it was hard and painful. You couldn't even look at a photo of him that you were in tears; in person would be much worse. After a week he sent you that rousing text message, he sent you another one.
From Brian (November 18): So... It's been a really long time since I've heard your voice.
That was the last text message he sent you, two days ago. Most probably he was resigned to the fact you wouldn't text him back. Yes, sometimes you felt very tempted to hear his voice again; even if it was just a simple 'hello'. But you couldn't get there yet; you first needed to be sure you could make it. In spite of you were very distressed, you made sure to spend plenty of time with friends to clear your mind. Therefore, in these last two weeks, you hung out with Meredith and her friends, especially with Joe and Lauren. You even accepted an invitation from Noah to go to the movies. You also spent plenty of time with Joey, more than with anybody else. And there was also Darren, only that you didn't see him much because he was always asking you if you talked to Brian and he wouldn't stop reminding you that you had to try hard; so it wasn't so great to see him; besides, he was most of the time busy or he had plans to meet someone else, surely February. Anyway, you wouldn't deny that your friendship with Darren grew. Other than that, you used to study hard to not think about Brian. It helped a lot and it also helped to your academic performance. Maybe you could live without Brian; it was working so far. The last four days you haven't even cried. Maybe just being away of the drama and all the troubles he had was good; you were just focusing on having a fucking great time in college.
"You know what truly sucks?" Meredith suddenly asked when you were drawing. You looked up with an amused smirk. "Midterm exams." She responded and you snickered. "It seems that all professors always plot to schedule all exams in one week for the sole purpose of making your life miserable!" She complained and huffed. You snickered once again.
"They are all villains, Mere." You replied winking, with an amused smirk.
"How is it you're so calm?" She asked frowning and you just shrugged.
"It's not the end of world." You responded.
"I could punch your face for that answer." Meredith said while pointing you. You chuckled and shook your head. "Anyway, why are you awake? It's 5 am!" She exclaimed.
"Why are you awake?" You asked amused.
"Well, for obvious reasons. I have to study for five exams." She answered. "But you don't have exams next week."
"True. I just couldn't sleep and I decided to get some works done." You responded and Meredith wandered around the room nervously. "Hey, Mere! Chill out! Just think that in two days is thanksgiving, so you'll have free days to study or just relax."
"You're right. You're always right." Meredith said while nodding.
"Why don't you just go back to bed? Try to rest a little; being nervous and stressed out won't help." You suggested.
"Yes, maybe I could sleep a bit more." She sighed and then looked at you. "Could you wake me up at seven?" She asked.
"Sure. Just go get some rest." You answered with a friendly smile.
"Oh sweet merciful god! I missed you as my roommate!" She exclaimed in an exaggerated way and you giggled as she gave you a quick hug.
Meredith returned to the bedroom and you put your earphones on to listen to some music. Truth was when you were alone your cheerful and peppy smile always faded away. You looked at your drawing again and tried to focus on it. This was one of your best drawings so far; it looked exactly like him. The soft and straight hair; the chiseled jaw, high cheekbones and well-formed bone structure, the perfect nose; well-shaped and plump lips, the long lashes and the twinkle in his mesmerizing green eyes. Once you finished your drawing of Brian, you wrote something next to it.
"I won't be like you, I'm willing to forgive all the lies and broken promises, I'm ready to shake your hand, because even after all, you are part of my life, my past, and you were someone who taught me many things that I know in the future will be useful. For that part, thank you, old friend."
You sighed when you finished and then you put that drawing in one of your folders. Maybe someday you'll give it to him. You checked the time: It was 7 am. You stood up, leaving the cold coffee on the table, and headed to the bedroom. You walked towards Meredith and you shook her softly.
"Mere, it's time to wake up!" You exclaimed cheerfully. She grouched.
"Oh, jeez... Is it already 7? I feel as if I've only slept 10 minutes." She groaned. You snickered softly.
"You can always sleep 10 more minutes." You said and she shook her head.
"No, I have to study." She responded while yawning, sitting on the bed. "Are you going somewhere?" She asked.
"Yes. I'm gonna go for a walk." You answered with a nice smile.
"Freckles, are you sure you're alright?" She asked kind of concerned.
"More than sure!" You exclaimed lively.
"I heard you last night. You were crying and..."
"I just had a nightmare. That's why I was awake and I couldn't sleep." You interrupted, lying.
"Freckles..."
"I'm completely great, Mere. And I really want to start this amazing morning. So, I'll go." You interrupted her again with a joyful grin. "Good luck with those super annoying exams!" You giggled softly and she huffed.
"Thanks, I'll need it. Have a good time freezing outside!" She joked and you laughed.
You walked outside and you took the bus to go to downtown. You decided to stop by a shop and buy two coffees and two cupcakes. You, for some reason, wanted to see Darren. You needed him to tell you how to move on. He always had the right words to comfort you because, after all and since Brian was no longer your friend, he was the person who knew you the most. It was 8 am when you knocked Darren's apartment front door. You waited for five minutes and he did not appear, so you knocked the door again. After a while, you heard the sound of keys and seconds later, the door was opened. You saw Darren with a sleepy face, rubbing his eyes, his curly hair completely disheveled and his... naked body. Well, he was actually in underwear. You gulped and did your best to look at his face instead seeing his body. It was hard because it was very tempting; but you smiled widely and looked at his half-opened hazel eyes.
"Surprise!" You exclaimed cheerfully, showing him the coffees and cupcakes.
"Freckles? Gosh, what are you doing here?" He asked with voice husky with sleep.
"I wanted to surprise and spoil you with this delicious breakfast!" You answered in a peppy way. Darren just frowned and rubbed his eyes.
"That's so sweet." He commented hoarsely.
"Darren?" You suddenly heard a woman's voice.
You popped your head to try to look inside and you saw February completely naked with a blanket wrapped around. You raised your eyebrows in amazement and you suddenly felt very awkward. You glanced at Darren; he was looking down, biting his lower lip and scratching the nape of his neck; noticeably very uncomfortable. Now you could understand why he delayed in opening the door, why he was only in underwear with his curls all messy and why he didn't seem to be so happy by your surprise. Holy shit, you were so awkward. You looked down, frowned and pursed strongly your lips.
"Freckles?" She suddenly asked and you forced a smile. "What are you doing here?" She asked curiously and you gulped. After a while you looked up with the falsest merry smile.
"I'm working on a coffee shop and it seems someone ordered a surprise breakfast here, so I'm delivering it!" You lied, sounding very convincing that even you believed it. "I think this guy over here wanted to surprise you with this very sweet breakfast to start a lovely morning!" You exclaimed while winking and February frowned with a bright grin.
You glanced furtively at Darren; he was looking at you sadly. February walked towards Darren and she enfolded her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder with the kindest grin.
"Is that true, darling?" She asked while nuzzling his neck. Darren bit his lips and looked down; he did not answer. "You remembered our anniversary!" She exclaimed sweetly as you felt that awful pain in the chest, so you had to look down. Anniversary? So they've been dating for a while now.
"I think he did!" You exclaimed because you weren't capable of standing the fraught situation. "That's why he also ordered to add this beautiful flower!" You said.
Then you took out from your purse a red rose you bought before coming here. You noticed how Darren closed his eyes and bit his tongue. The flower made February smile brightly with all her perfect teeth. At least she was having a good morning.
"Darling, this is the cutest thing you could have ever done!" She exclaimed in thrill. Then she leaned and kissed Darren's lips. Now your heart was really aching and your eyes were burning. You knew tears were coming, so you had to hurry. "Thank you, baby!" She whispered in front of his lips as Darren smiled faintly.
"Well, guys! I have to come back to work... So, take this delicious breakfast and this lovely flower!" You voiced with your falsest grin.
Dammit, you had to hold on. Why was it too awful to hold back your tears? February took the flower and smelled it as Darren grabbed the coffees and the cupcakes, looking apologetically at you and smiling sorrowfully.
"Okay guys, I wish you a very happy anniversary and a lovely morning. Enjoy the breakfast!" You exclaimed kindly.
You didn't even waste your time to hear their response. You turned around and walked away from there as fast as possible as tears began to race down your cheeks uncontrollably. Why was this happening to you? Why couldn't you just have a good day? There was always something that had to go wrong or make you feel bad. Why couldn't the good times return? It was in moments like these that Brian comforted you, telling you that behind the clouds there was always the sun shining or things like those that sometimes you didn't understand but that never failed to draw a smile on your face. But Brian wasn't with you and he wouldn't be; and you couldn't be with him. Oh no, not again. No, you didn't want to feel lonely again. You felt lonely for so long that you didn't want to feel like that again. But... Who would cheer you up now? Who would comfort you now? Who would make you feel that everything will be alright? You walked and walked until you arrived to the Huron River. Fever and disorientation. You sat on the grass and curled up in a ball; feeling indeed lonely in the cold and cloudy day.
BRIAN'S POV
I cracked my eyes open, taking in the brightness of the yellow room that enclosed me. My brain was running at a mile a minute. I rolled in bed and I stared the ceiling, particularly where it was spelled 'Sunny and Brian'. I rubbed my eyes, trying to clear my head of all the bad thoughts. The abysmal silence of the entirely empty room didn't help. Sawyer didn't wake me up to ask me for food. Sunny didn't wake me up with a bright smile saying good morning. I fumbled in the nightstand for my phone. No missed calls, no unread text messages; nothing at all. I checked the time: It was 7 am on Wednesday November 22. November 22, one of the days of the year I hated the most. I left my phone and I curled up in a ball in bed, with the blankets and quilts wrapped around me; letting the warmth envelop me. It felt nice. Seconds, minutes or hours later, my phone began to ring. I knew who it could be; he always wanted to be the first one greeting me in this awful day.
"Hi, daddy." I said with a warm grin when I picked up the call.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday little Brian, happy birthday to you." My dad sang and I couldn't help feeling moved, so I chuckled softly. "Happy birthday, son." He said with his usual cheery and kind voice.
"Thank you, daddy." I whispered with a genuine grin. "You sang to me. You'll never stop doing that, will you?" I asked amused, obviously referring to the fact he always sang to me in each one of my birthdays since I remember.
"You know I won't. You'll always be my little boy, even if you're already 21!" He exclaimed incredulous and I laughed while shaking my head. "I wish I could be there with you, so I could see you blowing out the candles." He commented and I snickered.
"Dad, I'm 21. Don't you think I'm already quite old to blow out the candles?" I asked diverted.
"What? One never is old to blow out the candles!" He exclaimed merrily and I giggled again.
"Alright, if you say so..." I responded amused. "Maybe when I return to San Francisco we can blow out the candles together; one to make up for your birthday and one for mine. What do you say, daddy?" I asked and I heard his hearty laughter.
"I think it's a fantastic idea, my son!" He exclaimed really joyful. Yeah, there was nobody else in the world who could be more cheerful than my dad.
"So, it's a deal." I confirmed. "How are you, daddy?" I asked.
"I'm great, as every time you ask me the same." He answered and I shook my head.
"You know what I mean, dad. How is the treatment going? Is it having some kind of effect or is it still the same?" I insisted, now very serious.
"Yes, it's actually working. I'm feeling better than ever." He answered lazily, with humdrum voice. That only could mean he was lying. I knew my dad way too much.
"Why do you lie?" I asked and he remained silent. "You know? Yesterday I called Dr. Moore. He told me the meds are definitely not having effect and the deep brain stimulation didn't work as they were expecting. He told me the symptoms are getting worse, dad." I said serious, frowning and looking down. Again, the silence. "Dad? Tell me you're exercising, taking regular rest periods, and you're going to physical and speech therapy as we agreed."
"I tried, son." My dad answered and I huffed. 'I tried' wasn't enough. "You know I can't afford the cost of physical and speech therapy and I can't take regular rest periods because I need to find a job. But I am exercising." He said and I bit my tongue and swallowed.
"Dad... Quit looking a job. You can't work! You need to rest and avoid stress. Your health is way more important than a job." I said very concerned. "And for god's sake, return to physical and speech therapy; you need it." I insisted while feeling the lump in my throat. "Listen, dad, I got another job, here in Ann Arbor. It's a really cool job and it gives me time to study for college, and the payment is really good." I lied but because he really had to do those activities for his health. "I can maintain myself; the food, the bills and all extra expenses. And guess what? I still have spare money; so I will send you money each month so that you pay the bills, the therapy, the meds and the nurse. But you have to promise you'll eat healthy and you'll take care of yourself, daddy." I said trying to control the choked voice.
"Son, I don't want you to pay everything. You're just 21 and you ought stop assuming too many responsibilities. You're young, you're supposed to enjoy life and have fun in college, not to be worried all the time." My dad said distressed and I bit my lips and frowned, tensing my whole face to avoid crying.
"I don't care about having fun in college. I was never like the other guys, dad. I just want you to get better." I answered and my voice cracked. Crap. I shouldn't let him know I was feeling bad. I had to be strong for him. "Just, please, return to therapy, take all the meds, do all the doctors say, eat healthy, exercise, and avoid stress. I want you to do that, dad." I said kind of demanding.
"And I want you to stop worrying too much and carrying the world upon your shoulders. Spend your money with friends, go out, attend parties, study hard, go to the theatre, go to some restaurant from time to time, and explore new towns and travel. That's what I want you to do." My dad said and I shook my head and pouted.
"No. I don't want to..." I started refusing.
"Brian Thomas, I'm still your father." He pointed out and I gulped. "I know you're doing this because you want me to get better; and I'll get better and I'll be fine if I just see you enjoying your life as you should. I want you to act like a boy of 21 and not like a man of 40." He said and I moved away my phone so that he wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't notice I was already weeping. "And today it's your birthday. So I want you to forget about all the bad things. I want you to enjoy this day with your best friend, Sunny." He mentioned and I whined when I heard her name. He didn't know Sunny and I were distant and I wouldn't tell him so because I knew he loved Sunny as if she were his daughter. "Go out with her, have lunch at a restaurant, go to the movies, then take a walk, buy a cake and celebrate your birthday. Do it, son." My dad suggested and I tried to stop crying. When I got to calm, I moved the phone closer.
"I'll do it." I answered.
"Now, stop talking to this old man and start celebrating your birthday!" He exclaimed lively and I chuckled softly.
"Okay." I responded. "I love you, daddy."
"I love you too, my boy." He replied with his kind voice before we hung up.
I left my phone on the nightstand, I wiped my tears away and I grinned as a way to feel better. I got out the bed and I walked to the kitchen to make me a coffee. When I arrived, I couldn't help looking at Sawyer's dog bowl diner.
"I miss you, buddy." I whispered sadly, yet my voice echoed in the silent room.
I walked to the kitchen counter and I took two cups out of the cupboard. When I placed them on the counter, I realized I only needed one cup this time because I no longer had to make breakfast for two; so I put the other cup on the cupboard again, feeling weird. When I finished making my coffee, I walked to the living room and I looked through the window, placing the cup of hot coffee on my cheek to feel the warmth. It was snowing, the first snow of the year. It was beautiful to see that snowy panorama; the most wonderful was to see how the snow blanketed the surrounding evergreens. Some people were already playing snowball wars and building snowmen. Seeing the snowy panoramas always made me be in a thoughtful mood. I started thinking how much I hated this day of the year. I never had a good birthday, even if my dad always did his best; I always appreciated all he has ever done. I never celebrated my birthday, except for that time when my mother was fine, when I was four; I only celebrated it with my parents. Well, I was the kid who never had friends, for that reason maybe I never celebrated it. Also, I never got a birthday present; I didn't care about it, though. But I always got a birthday cake thanks to my dad. I didn't know why I hated my birthday so much, maybe because I never liked being the center of attention. But maybe... Maybe it was because no one ever remembered it, except for my dad; and it felt bad when nobody called you to wish you a happy birthday. I wondered if Sunny would remember it. My thoughts were interrupted when my phone started ringing. I basically ran to the bedroom to grab my phone. Maybe it was Sunny.
"Hello?" I answered, not even minding to check who it was.
"Happy birthday, hottie!" I heard a very loud scream that stunned me.
"Mandy?" I asked.
"Shut up! I'll sing to you and you'll have to listen to the whole shit." Mandy said bossy and I chuckled while shaking my head. That was so her. "Happy birthday to you!" She started singing out of tune and I laughed. "Yes, shut up, I'm not my sister!" She commented and I laughed out loud. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Brian, happy birthday to you!" She sang yelling.
"That was impressive, Mandy! You're getting better at singing!" I joked.
"Shut up, you're worse than me." She answered in a jokingly way. However, she was right. I couldn't believe she remembered my birthday. "You should be grateful because I never sing to anybody. I did it only because you're like my brother, so I don't want you to tell anybody that I did such a thing! Clear, Clerk?" Mandy asked threateningly and I snickered.
"Clear." I confirmed. "Thanks for remembering that it was my birthday."
"How wouldn't I? Don't be ridiculous and stupid, Brian." Mandy answered in an obstreperous way. "I even sent you a present, you idiot!" She insulted in a playful way.
"You sent me a present?" I asked bewildered. Nobody ever gave me a birthday present.
"Of course I did. Why are you being so asinine today?" She asked rudely, but only because she was like that. "Anyway, I'll completely screw the surprise because I'm that bitch... The present is my entire new menswear collection. You better appreciate it, you jerk, because I'll never give it to anybody else." She said and I grinned brightly.
"I do appreciate it, Mandy. Thank you a lot! That's very sweet of you." I said very thankful and amazed, because I knew how expensive Mandy's clothes were.
"Argh, Brian! You should stop being so cute and nice for your own good!" She snickered and I laughed. "Seriously, cannot you be at least a little bit more of an ass?" She asked and I shook my head amused. "Whatever, I know you won't, sucker! Anyway, tell me that at least I'm the third person who wished you a happy birthday! I'll feel super annoyed if I find out I'm the fourth. I can't believe I fell asleep." She huffed and I smiled slightly.
"Actually..." I said trying to keep the mystery. "You're the second person; so you should feel happy." I commented while chuckling.
"Really? Who was the first? Your dad or my sister?" She asked and I frowned. Guess this would be an uncomfortable day in which everybody would remind me of Sunny.
"My dad." I replied.
"What? Does it mean that my sister hasn't wished you a happy birthday yet?" Mandy asked kind of alarmed.
"No, she hasn't." I responded, not wanting to elaborate.
"What the fuck? She lives with you! It's supposed that she should be the first one greeting you! Is the bitch still sleeping?" She asked and I bit my tongue. That meant that Sunny hasn't talked to Mandy about what happened to us.
"Umm... I don't know." I answered awkwardly.
"How is that you don't know? Go check!" She demanded and I remained silent. "Alright, Clerk, tell me what's going on right now."
"Nothing." I answered uncomfortably.
"You won't fool me. You were always a sucker when it came to lies, hottie. So, tell me what's wrong." Mandy requested in a peremptory way. Damn.
"We no longer live together, Mandy." I sighed. "She moved to her old dorm room more than two weeks ago."
"Why would she move out?" She asked suspiciously.
"Because..." I responded uncomfortably.
"Because? Shit, Brian! Just tell me or I swear I'm gonna rip off your most treasured thing." She threatened.
"Because she found out I'm in love with her, Mandy." I answered with a heavy sigh.
"Elaborate." She demanded.
"Well... She found it out and not by me. She found the box in which I had everything of her. And... She moved out because she said nothing will ever be the same and everything will be awkward, so that she couldn't be my friend. We haven't seen each other ever since and she wouldn't answer my calls." I explained and Mandy remained silent for a long time.
"I can't believe she didn't tell me." She whispered and I bit my lips. "She didn't say she loved you back?"
"No, of course not, Mandy. I don't even know why you keep insisting that she loves me that way. I've always been just a friend to her." I responded and Mandy stayed silent again. I hated those awkward silences. "Well, good thing is that she now knows, as everybody wanted. At least, I won't have to lie again."
"Brian... I was wrong that day I said you were lying to her. I'm so sorry, Brian. But... you'll see, you'll be best friends again." Mandy tried to say only to comfort me.
"I hardly think so." I answered with a sad half-smile. "But well, this day was going to come sooner or later. I only hope she's doing fine." I said trying to sound positive, even if my heart was aching.
"This is not good. I hate seeing that my sister was an idiot to grow apart from you. How could she avoid your calls? That's not right!" Mandy exclaimed upset.
"Hey, Mandy, hold on... Your sister is not an idiot. She just doesn't want to talk to me because I was the asshole who has lied to her. It's understandable that she doesn't answer my calls and it's understandable that she doesn't want to see me. Everything would have been different if I had told her my feelings since the beginning. But I hurt her, Mandy. This is not her fault, this is my fault." I corrected her and she just huffed.
"It's not your fault, Brian. You didn't choose to fall in love with her and if you didn't tell her it was because you love her way too much to lose her. You did what it was the best for her, you always gave her everything. I can't believe my sister doesn't love you back, because you're the best that happened to her and you're like the perfect guy, Brian." Mandy said and I sighed and shook my head. She was completely wrong.
"You know I'm not the perfect guy and you know she deserves better." I whispered.
"That's bullshit! I've never seen anybody so devoted to her as you are. You should stop underestimating yourself, Brian." Mandy commented and I just looked down. "You know what I'm gonna do? I'll call my sister and I'll tell her to stop being so stupid and make her see that you're the best friend she could ever have." She said determined.
"No! Don't do that, Mandy!" I exclaimed loudly and firmly. "This is my problem; I'm the only one who has to deal with it and I don't want anybody to meddle. I know you want to do it because you want the best for us, but this time you can't do anything, Mandy. If she ever wants to talk to me again, I want it to be because she wanted to, because it was her own decision; not because someone pushed her. Please, Mandy." I said supplicant.
"Sometimes I don't understand you and why you always refuse help. Sometimes I just don't understand how you can stand all the shit that others do to you when you don't deserve it. But okay, only because it's your birthday I'll do what you ask." Mandy answered, apparently displeased. "But I'm mad at my sister and I'm annoyed because you always think you don't deserve a damn shit. Begin to love yourself, Brian!" She yelled and I just sighed.
"I love myself, Amanda!" I answered back.
"No, you don't. And it's stupid. You should think more about yourself instead putting others always in first place; and that won't be selfish, that would be reasonable." She pointed out and I huffed. "At least today think only about yourself. It's your day."
"It's just my stupid birthday and that means no shit." I answered annoyed.
"It's your birthday and it means everything should be about you; your special day. Brian... Please... I don't want to argue with you, and less in this day. I just want you to feel special as you are, at least for one day. I know it's hard for you to believe you're a stupendous person, but you are. And I wish I could be there with you to hug you tightly and remind you so in person." Mandy said sweetly and I felt touched. Mandy almost never said sweet things, so this meant a lot and I couldn't help shedding some tears. "I think I'll soon go to Ann Arbor to see you because I miss you... And I love you... And if you dare to laugh at me for saying this, I'll punch you; and if you dare to tell somebody that I told you that, I'll deny it." Mandy joked and I chuckled softly in between the tears.
"Okay, I won't say anything. Thank you for everything. I miss you and I love you too, Mandy." I said.
"Stop, you bastard! You're gonna make me cry and I hate it!" Mandy exclaimed with a giggle, but with choked voice.
"I love you, I love you, I love you!" I exclaimed mockingly and Mandy laughed.
"Alright, you're seriously gonna get a kick in your cute ass when we get to see each other, you damn idiot." Mandy joked with cracked voice. "Stupid jerk; thanks to you, now my makeup did streak!" She complained and I snickered. "Alright, hottie, I have to go back to work. But I do hope you have a special day! I love you, fool." She said and I grinned.
"Thanks; I love you too, dork." I answered and she sniggered before hanging up.
Right after that, I left the phone on the nightstand and I put on some loud music. I walked to my closet and I took out all of my clothes to place them in my suitcase. Then I packed all of my stuff in boxes. By noon, I had three boxes and my suitcase ready. Today they were going to give me the keys of my new low-income apartment in Miller Ave, near downtown. I had to move out because I couldn't afford this room and that apartment I found was considerably cheaper. So, minutes later I was leaving the dorm room. It was a good thing I didn't have to spend money in a freight service because I only had three boxes and a suitcase, so I could perfectly manage to take the bus. An hour later, I was standing in front of what it'd be my apartment. It didn't look nice, but it was just a place to eat and sleep, so I didn't care. It was when I entered that I felt kinda bad. The place was really dirty and dilapidated. I tried to remember it was just a place to sleep. It was a studio apartment with a small size, approximately 300 square feet. It combined living room, bedroom, and kitchenette into a single room and the bathroom was in its own smaller room. The floor was concrete and had no termination of any material; it had brick walls with falling off plaster, and the plaster work was also falling off of the ceiling. It had only two small wood frame windows and the glass of one of the windows was broken, and there was no heater. The natural and artificial lighting was poor and it gave the space a dismal atmosphere. The kitchenette only had a small counter, a single cupboard, a mini fridge and a rusty stove. There was one armchair, one worn wooden chair and a small wooden table attached to one of the walls. At the junction between the table and the wall, there was a sort of a wall mounted drawer; when I opened it, I noticed there was the mattress and surely the table also served as a bed. When I walked to the bathroom, I noticed the door had no handle, some tiles were broken, the toilet was just in front of the lavatory and it had no bathtub; it only had a shower head and the only place I could stand to take a shower was in between the lavatory and toilet. I returned to the main room and I sat on the armchair; I automatically fell on the floor. Dammit, one of the back legs of the armchair was broken. I stood up and carefully sat on the chair. Well, nothing happened. I sighed when I took a look of the whole studio apartment, but I kept reminding to myself that it was just a place to sleep and it was affordable to rent; besides, I was near downtown. When I finished unpacking my stuff, I put on a wool gloves, beanie, and scarf to go buy grocery and present my resume to some places. I desperately needed to find a job to help my dad pay the therapy. I walked slowly, enjoying how the snowflakes were landing on top of my head and seeing how each of my steps were leaving a footprint in the snow. I was still amazed with the snow, because it never snows in San Francisco, so this was the second year I got to see the snow. After I left my resume in several shops, libraries, and bars; I headed to the supermarket to buy groceries. It was really nice to see people playing in the snow as if they were children. I thought that someday I could try to play for the first time some kind of snowball war or make snow angels; it'd have been cool to do it with Sunny. Surely she was very excited because she got to see snow for the very first time in her life; she was for sure one of those people who would play like a child with snow and that was amazing. I smiled at the thought and I entered the supermarket. After few minutes I bought all the strictly necessary things I needed and I headed to my apartment. I got distracted with a dog that was rolling in the snow and I thought about Sawyer and how happy he would be, until I felt how a snowball hit the only part of the nape of my neck that was uncovered. Holy shit, it was freezing! I turned around to see who threw me that snowball and I saw Sunny few inches away from me. I literally froze when I saw her after more than two weeks. My stupid body started shaking in thrill and I couldn't control it, so I surely looked like a real idiot. However, a cheesy grin appeared on my face as an automatic response of seeing the person I loved. She looked completely gorgeous and lively.
"Sunny!" I greeted goofily and her bright smile faded away.
"Oh, hey, hi." She said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to throw you a snowball. I was just playing with my friend." She apologized.
I popped my head over her shoulder to look at that friend. It was a tall blonde guy with blue eyes that I didn't know. The guy was far from us, but he saw me, and he waved his hand and I greeted him with a nod. I looked at her again and I grinned widely. Then I stepped closer to her, slowly, though. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I couldn't deny I was so damn happy to see her again.
"It's alright, Sunny. I bet you're very excited to see how it snows. There are a lot of games you can play with snow and the snowy panorama is pretty beautiful, don't you think?" I asked cheerfully.
"Yes, it's cool." She answered curtly, with a faint grin. "So..."
"How have you been?" I asked because I noticed she wanted to leave, but I just wanted to talk to her a little more. Talking to her wasn't a bad thing, was it?
"Great." She responded and looked away.
"That's good to hear, Sunny. And how are exams going so far?" I asked trying hard to get a fluent conversation.
"Fine." She answered curtly.
"That's amazing. I'm sure you'll get great scores; you're one of smartest people I know." I commented with a warm smile and she just nodded, still avoiding my gaze. "And how is your living with Meredith?"
"Fantastic and pretty funny. She's totally awesome." She answered with a slight grin.
"I'm sure she is. I remember when she was your roommate and you always told me that..." I started saying with a merry smile.
"I really have to go." She cut me off and I stopped talking to look down. Did she have to cut me off that way? It felt rough; but this was my fault, so I couldn't complain.
"Okay." I whispered. When I noticed she was turning around, I decided to stop her. "Sunny?"
"Yeah?" She asked lazily, only turning her face to look at me.
"Are you happy to see me?" I asked shyly, looking deeply into her eyes. She looked down, pursed her lips and then shrugged; yet she didn't utter a single word. "Do you at least miss me a little bit?" I asked even more shyly. She just sighed as a response. Wow, it really made me feel bad. "Sunny..."
"What do you want, Brian?" She asked harshly, interrupting me. I looked down and bit my lips, and then I swallowed and looked at her sadly.
"I need one of your hugs." I answered in low voice. "Nothing else. Just your arms around me will make everything feel better." I whispered timidly and mournfully. Sunny looked away and she slowly shook her head.
"I'm sorry... It would feel... awkward." She answered uncomfortable and I nodded with a sad half-smile. "Have a nice day. Goodbye, Brian."
"Bye, Sunny..." I said distressed and then I leaned to kiss her cheek, but she quickly walked away; leaving me there standing alone.
I observed how she walked towards her friend, how she linked her arm with his and how they walked away until they turned the corner. Yes, I was really happy to have seen her; but it was a grievous encounter. It should have been predictable, I should have been ready for something like this; but I wasn't. It hurt me to feel her so distant even if we were close. It hurt me not to see her usual bright smile. It hurt me the way she was desperate to leave. And also it hurt me she didn't remember it was my birthday. I had to admit that there was a part of me which wished she could tell me happy birthday, even if I hated my birthday, she was the only person I wanted to greet me. I looked down and I sighed heavily before heading to my new apartment. I put the commodity in their respective places, I covered the broken window with one of my books and then I turned on the oven and the stoves to heat the apartment. I turned on the radio and I took a paper to write something.
"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you. Saying goodbye is most difficult when there is a part of you which believes it is only a 'see you later'. You would never fully admit it, but you intend on seeing them again. Sometimes, though, you have to say goodbye. But I still think we should have been together. Stay together. I should have looked for you less, and provoke you more. You should have stayed. We should have stayed together, dream, fly, and stay together. I should have seen more your teeth, make you laugh, hold your hand and never let you go. I shouldn't have loved you so much; I shouldn't have made you feel I was necessary, so maybe you'd have stayed. I should have known you more before falling in love with you; I should have made you fall for me before loving you so much. I should have and you should have, we both should have. I used to write for you, now I write to the memories that were with you. I feel you afar, I feel you strange, I don't feel you. You hurt me in memories, in the days, the hours, nights, and I love you, I love you so much and you know it... And you walk away."
When I finished writing, I felt kinda bad and more when I paid attention to the song that was playing on the radio.
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything you said
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you.
I only had to change the 'he' for 'she' and it fitted perfectly with my current situation. I stood up and turned off the radio. I placed the mattress on the table and I lay in bed, covering my entire body and face with the blankets and hugging the pillow. I was an idiot. I just wished this day could end already. Suddenly my phone buzzed. I quickly grabbed it, thinking it could be Sunny, but it wasn't.
From Darren: Hey, dude. We're going to the Blind Pig tonight. Freckles is gonna be there, we're gonna jam together some cool songs. Do you wanna join us?
To Darren: She wants me to go?
From Darren: I actually haven't talked to her. But come and join us with some beers! It'll be fun!
To Darren: Alright, I'll think about it. Thanks for the invitation, though.
Of course I wouldn't go. He surely didn't know about our encounter. She did not want me to go and I wouldn't go to make her uncomfortable. Nevertheless, hours later I found myself in the Blind Pig. I really wanted to see her. However, I didn't tell Darren I was going. When I entered the nightclub I saw the table in which Darren, February, Sunny, Joey, Meredith and other people were sitting; yet, I didn't join them. I sat at a table alone and I ordered a coke. After the bartender looked at me as if I were crazy because I was ordering a coke, he handed me the drink and I returned my sight to her. She looked so pretty and lively. She wouldn't stop talking and laughing with her friends, with that heartbreaking smile and that catchy laughter. She seemed to be happy and bright, so I smiled at that. After a while I saw how she and Darren walked to the stage, they introduced themselves, and started singing a few duets. Their voices sounded so good together and apparently everybody thought the same, because they wouldn't stop clapping. I never heard Darren performing before, and I had to admit he had a talent. And Sunny was also very talented, her voice was angelical and she had charisma to be on a stage. And gosh, she really enjoyed being on a stage. I felt very proud of her. Maybe coming here wasn't a bad idea after all; I was having a good time, just looking at them performing. And I was enjoying the birthday as my dad told me to do.
"Guess what, guys? We have an idea." Darren suddenly said. "We're gonna give you this hat and you can put there the song you want us to perform. You can choose if you want us to sing together or if you want only one of us to sing the song. You can also dedicate a song to someone. What do you think?" He asked and everybody clapped. "That's so cool! Well, let's get started! I'll take a break, but this lady here is gonna keep singing!" He said pointing at Sunny.
"Hello beautiful people!" Sunny greeted cheerfully and I grinned widely. She was so graceful. "I hope you're having a good time." She commented with a bright smirk and looked at the audience. The audience cheered excitedly and she snickered. "I'm sure having a great time!" She exclaimed while winking. "Well …" She started saying.
It was a good thing she didn't notice my presence, because I was kinda behind a pillar. Darren grabbed a water bottle and suddenly his gaze fixed on me. He grinned and nodded as a way to greet me. I also grinned and nodded, hoping that Sunny wouldn't see me. And fortunately she didn't.
"The next song…" She said but Darren got on stage again.
"Excuse me, my friend!" Darren suddenly spoke. "I changed my mind." He said in a mysterious way and Sunny looked at him frowning and amused. "I want to sing one last song before taking a break." He stated and Sunny smiled widely and nodded. "I'll sing it alone, if you don't mind…" He said to Sunny and she shook her head and sat on a stool. Darren grabbed a guitar and sat on the other stool, in front of the microphone. "This song is dedicated to a great friend who right now is going through a tough situation. I always say that music expresses what cannot be said and what is impossible to keep silent." He said looking fixedly at me and I looked around nervously to check if someone was noticing me, but nobody did. "So… This is for you, buddy." Darren said.
He looked down because apparently he noticed that I didn't want Sunny to see me. Sunny looked at the audience as trying to find out who that friend was. I just moved a little, so the pillar was covering my face. Was Darren really dedicating a song to me? Or was it just coincidence? Darren began to play the guitar and I noticed he saw me one more time and grinned before looking at his guitar. Sunny still didn't see me, which was good. I didn't want to screw her night.
Follow your heart and see where it might take you
Don't let the world outside there break you
They know not who you are inside
They've never felt your hell
Don't ever let them crack
Hold out I know you feel it getting cold out
Without the blanket for your soul and
Before you know it you'll be frozen
And you have to see this through
There's no one here but you
I feel the rain coming down
It reminds me of who I used to be
But now that's nothing more
Than a memory
Don't go to sleep and cry because
Tomorrow if you let it, it will swallow
You up and none of this will matter
Anymore
I feel the rain coming down
It reminds me of who I used to be
But now that's nothing more
Than a memory...
Follow your heart and see where it might take you
Don't let the world outside there break you
They know not who you are inside
They've never felt your hell
Don't ever let them crack your shell
Darren finished singing, putting his guitar aside as the whole audience started clapping. Even Sunny was clapping and grinning widely. Darren thanked and glanced at me again as I smiled thankful at him and he nodded. Then he shifted his gaze and walked out of the stage. I was amazed that someone dedicated a song to me. It was probably one of the best birthday gifts I ever had, even if he most probably didn't know it was my birthday. And that song he picked really meant a lot to me. Darren sat on the stool with his water bottle, looking at Sunny who grabbed the microphone and beamed at the audience.
"That was an amazing performance! Thank you, Darren!" She commented joyfully and Darren frowned and then looked down. Maybe she thought the song was to her. "Well, I'll dedicate my following songs also to an old friend." She said and I looked intently at her. "This person used to be my best friend..." She started explaining and my heart skipped a beat. Could she be talking about me? And she said 'used to be', which wasn't good. "He's not here... Fortunately..." She commented snickering softly and looking down and I bit my lips. 'Fortunately', that kinda hurt. "So, in short, this friend disappointed me a lot and, as Darren said, music expresses what cannot be said and what is impossible to keep silent; so I want to sing these songs, even if he's not here to listen." She said smiling softly.
Darren looked at her in a hesitant way, but he did not say anything. As for me, I was feeling completely jittery. She didn't know I was there. What would the songs be about? I wasn't ready to hear something bad... Hopefully it'd be something good, even if we were distant, even if she said I disappointed her, even if she said I 'used to be' her best friend. I looked at her fixedly as she began to sing.
It's over, it's over, it's over:
It seems you can't hear me
When I open my mouth you never listen
You say stay, but what does that mean?
Do you think I honestly want to be reminded forever?
Don't waste your time trying to fix
What I want to erase
What I need to forget
Don't waste your time on me my friend
Friend, what does that even mean?
I don't want your hand
You'll only pull me down
So save your breath
Don't waste your song
On me, on me
Don't waste your time
It's not easy not answering
Every time I want to talk to you
But I can't
If you only knew the hell I put myself through
Replaying memories in my head of you and I
Every night
Don't waste your time trying to fix
What I want to erase
What I need to forget
Don't waste your time on me my friend
Friend, what does that even mean?
I don't want your hand
You'll only pull me down
So save your breath
Don't waste your song
On me, on me
Don't waste your time
She sang while looking down and then she looked up, nowhere in particular. I was no longer looking at her. That wasn't a good song about me as I was hoping. It was actually pretty bad. She was obviously referring to the encounter we had today and how I was trying to maintain a conversation as she wanted to leave. She kept singing.
You're callin'
You're talkin'
You're tryin'
Tryin' to get in
But it's over, it's over, it's over
Friend
Don't waste your time trying to fix it
So save your breath, don't waste your song
On me, on me
Don't waste your time
You held me
You felt me
You left me
But it's over, it's over, it's over
You touched me
You had me
But it's over, it's over, it's over my friend
Don't waste my time
She finished the song and the audience clapped because, of course, she had a fantastic voice. I didn't clap. I remained looking down and feeling sad. She said it was over. Why? Why it had to be like that? Yes, I knew it was my fault and maybe I deserved it… But I didn't want it, so it hurt.
Hear me,
Don't tempt me anymore,
It was all a dream,
Resist your feelings stranger,
Don't call me, don't write,
Don't lose any sleep over me,
Cause I'm sleeping just fine,
Yeah,
I don't cry,
And I don't want you to anymore,
I'm ok,
You are better as long as you're far,
I don't want you hanging around my door,
Anymore, anymore, anymore,
Hear this; Take the hint and all the signs,
Hear me; I don't want to talk anytime,
I don't know or need you anymore,
And I like it,
Yeah,
I don't cry,
And I don't want you to anymore,
I'm ok,
You are better as long as you're far,
I don't want you hanging around my door,
Anymore, anymore, anymore,
For once, just let things be,
For once, will you please think of me?
For once, I'm happy,
So don't do it, don't ruin it,
Don't say it cause I don't want to hear it,
Even though,
I know you're feeling it
Don't call me, don't write,
Don't lose any sleep over me,
Cause I'm sleeping just fine,
Yeah,
I don't cry,
And I don't want you to anymore,
I'm ok,
You are better as long as you're far,
I don't want you hanging around my door,
Anymore, anymore, anymore.
Alright, I was already feeling effectively sorrowful. I had to bit my lips and frown to hold back the tears that were forming in the corner of my eyes. I had to swallow to try to stop the lump in my throat which felt really tight as if I couldn't breathe. She didn't want to talk to me anymore, she didn't need me anymore, and she didn't want me anymore; so that felt rough. And she answered the question I asked earlier: She didn't miss me. Darren looked at her frowning and shaking his head as if he were disgusted; then I noticed he leered at me, but I was just looking down. Sunny got less clapping this time; not because they didn't like her performance because she killed the song; but because they knew this song was for the person who 'used to be' her best friend and the lyrics of the song were a little bit rough.
"Thank you." She said with a slight grin, looking at the audience. "Well, I will just sing one last song dedicated to that person and then we're gonna start with the songs you want us to perform." She announced. "I hope you're enjoying this."
Some people clapped. I glanced furtively at Darren; it seemed he wanted to stop her and it seemed he was jittery because he knew I was there, listening to each one of her songs to me. But before he could do something, Sunny began to sing her last song to me. I was no longer expecting it to be a nice one.
Any chance you get to play the warn out pity card
Any opportunity to push my buttons hard
It's getting old, your "poor me" thoughts
Believe me, boy, when I say "so what"
This broken record thing has got to stop
I'm losing interest in your pillow talk
And ooh it's not looking good
And ooh I'm not in the mood
And ooh I can't get through
To you ooh
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I didn't say yes
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I wouldn't pretend
Don't be a girl about it
Now you're whining again
Don't be a girl about it
You're such a girl about it
Now you're up in arms because I say we're not working out
You wonder if I loved you from the start, well I tell you what
I knew a guy who changed my world
And then he grew into a little girl
This metamorphosis is just too much
You're crossing lines that I just can't let go of
And ooh it's not looking good
And ooh I'm not in the mood
And ooh I can't get through
To you ooh
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I didn't say yes
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I wouldn't pretend
Don't be a girl about it
And now you're whining again
Don't be a girl about it
You're such a girl about it
And ooh I'm sleeping with the enemy oh, oh
And ooh I'm counting sheep while you're in love
I guess it's true that love can grow in different directions
I chose the high road and you chose to be a girl
I know you're mad at me now
It's all my fault somehow
Here comes my favorite part
You're so misunderstood
And ooh it's not looking good
And ooh I'm not in the mood
And ooh I can't get through
To you ooh
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I didn't say yes
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I wouldn't pretend
Don't be a girl about it
And now you're whining again
Don't be a girl about it
You're such a girl about it
And ooh I'm sleeping with the enemy oh, oh
And ooh I'm counting sheep while you're in love
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I didn't say yes
Don't be a girl about it
'Cause I wouldn't pretend
Don't be a girl about it
And now you're whining again
Don't be a girl about it
You're such a girl about it
She finished singing with a wide grin, panting. I was just looking at her frowning, with my lips slightly parted. That was a rude song. And yes, maybe she was right, maybe I was such a girl about it; but because I cared and because I had feelings, even if I was boy. And... Sleeping with the enemy? Really? To that point? Darren was looking at her in astonishment, and he was apparently disgruntled. I shouldn't have come. It was stupid of me. I knew she didn't want to see me... Why did I want to see her? Yes, because I loved her. But this all happened, and I wouldn't have heard this all if I hadn't come. I wouldn't have felt like shit if I hadn't come. I observed how someone suddenly left the hat on my table. I decided to pick a song they could sing. Darren and Sunny came back to their table to take a break and I saw Darren telling her something, in a displeased way, as she was huffing. After a while, they returned to the stage and they sang some songs others picked. Then Darren took another paper.
"Well... This is from an anonymous." Darren announced. "This person wants me to sing the song." He said looking at Sunny and she nodded with a smile, sitting on the stool. "But it says it's dedicated to you!" He said giggling as she looked at the audience surprised and amused.
That was for sure the song I picked. I wrote in that paper exactly what Darren said. I knew she would realize with that song that I was all the time here and I listened to her songs. That was the song we danced together in her Prom, when she asked me if I could be her date because she didn't want to go with Ian. I remember I was really happy for being her date in her Prom. And we danced all night long, but this song was special. We danced it very close to each other and I remember I sang that song in her ear, even if I was a terrible singer. I remember she loved it; maybe she didn't love it anymore.
She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song the summer sings
May be the chill the autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day
She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem inside her shell
Darren sang and I looked at Sunny. She had a terrified face, eyes wide open and lips parted. She was looking at the whole audience, maybe to try to find me. I knew she finally realized I was there. But she couldn't see me; I was hiding behind the pillar.
She who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
But I'll remember till the day I die
Darren kept singing and this time Sunny stood up and walked out of the stage. She started searching among the crowd. Darren was still singing but was looking at Sunny confused, frowning. I put on my beanie, my scarf and my wool gloves. It was time to go for me. The best would be if she didn't find me.
She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in many years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is she
She
She
I heard how Darren finished singing when I was already leaving the nightclub. The cold breeze hit my face as snowflakes began to land on my face and head. I started to walk away, trying to stop feeling bad about it; I didn't want to be that girl as she said in her song. I didn't want to cry. I was tired of crying and I should have never cried in front of anybody. This was a fucking crappy year. And this was fucking shitty birthday. When did I stop being strong? When did I stop being capable of hiding my feelings away? When did I stop holding my tears back? When did I start being so sensitive? When did I start feeling too much? All of that only turned me into a girl. Boys don't cry. I should have kept in mind all the time. I headed to my apartment but I decided to stop by a shop to buy the cheapest cupcake. When I entered my apartment, I turned on the stoves and the oven, and I placed the cupcake in the middle of the table. I sat on the floor and I placed a red phosphorus on the cupcake. I lit the match and I pretended it was a candle. I closed my eyes and I pictured that I was in a nice and warm place; I pictured that everybody was there. My dad and my mom were right next to me, they were holding me. Mandy, Darren, Joey and February were also there; even Sawyer was there. And right in front of me was Sunny, looking at me with her brightest and fondest smile. They all were singing to me a happy birthday and I was truly happy. My first birthday party with the people I loved the most: my family, my friends, my dog, and the person I was in love with. They were there for me and I felt special, as everybody surely feels when it's their birthday; I got to feel it by myself for the first time. And I made a wish.
"I want to be happy." I whispered and I blew out the fictional candle.
When I opened my eyes again, my wide grin vanished. I was not in a nice and a warm place. Nobody was there. I was alone. It was just me and that cheap cupcake in a cold and dilapidated apartment. I looked down and I let myself shed silent and dolorous tears, for the last time. At least, I felt it was real for few seconds; maybe that was what mattered. I ate the cupcake and then I placed the mattress on the table to lie in bed. I tucked the blankets up to my neck and I stared my phone for hours on. I had hopes that Sunny would remember it was my birthday and she would text me. But it was 2 am, a new day, and my phone didn't ring.
Next day you woke up very late because you returned from the Blind Pig at 5 am. But it didn't matter because it was November 23 and it was already thanksgiving. Now it was 1 pm, but you remained in bed, enjoying the warmth of being covered with lots of quilts in the cold day. You looked through the window, it was still snowing and the window was fogged. Meredith wasn't there; she went to her parents' house for an entire week. You decided to stay in Ann Arbor because you had a lot of things to do. But not today; today you were going to have a free day. Still in bed, you began to think about the night before. You were almost sure that Brian was in the Blind Pig. Who else could dedicate you that song? That was a song of your Prom, a song you danced with him. Nonetheless, you didn't find him in the crowd. You wanted to think he wasn't there; because if he was there it meant he listened to the songs dedicated to him that you sang. Darren was particularly upset with no reasons when you sang them; maybe because he knew Brian was there. Anyway, if he listened to those songs, now he knew all you were feeling and maybe he would stop texting you, calling you and trying to get close to you. Then your phone rang and you wished it wasn't Brian.
"Hi?" You greeted while yawning.
"Little sister... If I don't call you, you would totally forget that you have a sister living in LA!" Mandy reproached and you giggled.
"Sorry, it's been crazy days!" You apologized.
"Yeah, I heard about it..." Mandy commented and you frowned in suspicion. "You totally broke Brian's heart." She added and you huffed in annoyance.
"So you talked to him." You stated.
"Yes, I called him yesterday and he told me what happened between you; something that you should have told me, by the way." She reproached and you rolled your eyes. "Anyway, I didn't call you because of that because I promised Brian that I won't meddle in whatever you decide to do."
"That's great!" You exclaimed irritated. Finally something good that Brian has done. "Why did you call me?"
"To ask you if you called Brian yesterday." She answered.
"Why would I call him?" You asked spleenful, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh my god. I can't believe you forgot. I can't believe it!" Mandy exclaimed bewildered. "How could you?"
"Okay, get to the point... What is that thing I forgot, eh?" You asked irked.
"It was Brian's birthday and you forgot it!" Mandy exclaimed in disbelief.
You suddenly felt really, but really bad. Holy shit, you forgot it. You couldn't believe you forgot it. It didn't matter that you and him were distant, it was his birthday and you knew what his birthdays meant to him. You closed your eyes and you sighed, feeling angry with yourself. Then you remembered you saw him in the afternoon. You didn't tell him happy birthday... He even asked for a hug and you refused it. And then... Then he listened to those rude songs you sang last night; in his birthday. You surely managed to make him have a pretty awful birthday; as if the other birthdays he had weren't awful enough.
"Oh, damn." You whispered while biting your lips.
"How could you have forgotten it?" Mandy asked.
"I don't know!" You responded in a yell and then both of you remained silent.
"Listen, sister... Maybe you and he are apart now. And well, maybe you don't want to see him, maybe you don't want to talk to him... That's your decision. But despite everything, at least you should have texted him." Mandy pointed out and you frowned, feeling even worse. "Brian was your best friend; he always did everything for you without expecting anything in return. And you know how he is; he always felt he was worthless. And you know how he feels in his birthday; he always thought nobody cared about it. Yet, you forgot about it and you didn't wish him a simple happy birthday. You surely made him feel even more worthless and you surely reminded him that he's not an important person for people to remember about a day that should be his special day. And I'm sure that the only thing he was hoping to get in his birthday was you to wish him a happy birthday, to be greeted by the person he loves, regardless of what kind of love he feels for you." She said and you pouted. Damn, you turned into a terrible person. When did it happen? "I don't wanna tell you what you have to do, because you're old enough to make your own decisions. But sister, just try to think a little less about yourself and how bad you feel to start thinking a little more about the one person who always gave you everything and how he might be feeling. If this whole situation is hard for you, just picture how hard it must be for him who was rejected by the person he loves. You have tons of friends to lean on, he only has you and he lost you. So try not to be rude with him, because he doesn't deserve it." Mandy said afflicted and you shed some tears. Mandy was right.
"Mandy... I turned into a person I don't wanna be. I'm an awful person!" You sobbed and she remained silent.
"No, you're just going through a bad moment which unbalanced you. It happens. You're a good person, sister." Mandy said sweetly and you shook your head.
"I forgot his birthday, Mandy! And I even treated him like shit!" You exclaimed.
"Yes, and it's sad to hear that. But hey, it's not late to fix things. Maybe you could apologize... And that wouldn't mean that you'd talk to him again if you don't want to. It's just an apology to show him that you're thankful for the things you shared together. Your friendship was extraordinary; and if it has to come to an end, at least try to give it a worthy end as it deserves." Mandy advised.
"Yes. I think I should do that." You replied while weeping. "I miss him, Mandy." You confessed in a whisper.
"Then let him know so. And think if it's worth it to stay away from him if you miss him; think if it's worth it to stay away from him only because he fell in love with you; because you must know that he never intended to be more than your friend and he was trying to stop being in love with you." Mandy said.
"It's hard." You voiced with choked voice.
"I know it's hard; but you have to make a decision that maybe will be the last one with him. Just... Think about it, sister." She said almost in supplicant way. "Well, I have to go. I hope you and Brian can talk... At least to forgive and be forgiven before going separate ways if that's what you decide to do. Talk to you later, little sis. And happy thanksgiving!" She said.
"Happy thanksgiving, Mandy!" You said and then you hung up.
Right after your conversation with Mandy, you had breakfast to then start doing your usual activities. As soon as you finished breakfast, you felt abdominal pain, your body began to shake, you felt nauseous and the horrible acid reflux; you ran to the bathroom, kneeled in front of the toilet and threw up while tears were streaming down your face. Damn. You needed fresh air, you needed to clear your mind, it was the only way not to feel sick. Thus, you put on sportswear, grabbed your iPod and left the dorm room to go jogging around the Fuller Park. You liked to go jogging because it always helped to clear your mind and that was exactly what you needed now. Not so many people were jogging because it was very cold and it was snowing; besides most students surely returned to their towns for thanksgiving. You thought about Brian. Yes, you missed him and yes, you felt bad for what you did... But you couldn't be his friend, you just didn't feel comfortable around him and that wasn't good. Maybe you should talk to him to forgive and be forgiven as Mandy said, though. Maybe your friendship deserved a good ending as Mandy said. So maybe later you could talk to him, but just not yet; you weren't ready to see him yet. You were running quietly, deep in thought, listening to some music; but you noticed a black car with tinted windows that was driving slowly, right next to you. You remembered one time you went jogging and someone tried to catch you; you didn't want to think that the car was there for you. However, you ran a little faster and the car picked up speed. Oh dammit. You ran faster, thinking the worst of it. You noticed how the car parked and how the door opened, but you didn't look back; you kept running. You heard steps running behind you and you ran faster. But the person caught you and your heart skipped a beat. The person took your arms to your back and held you tightly as the person also covered your mouth to prevent you from screaming. You struggled to slip away but that person was stronger than you; it seemed it was a man. You couldn't see his face, though; you couldn't move and you couldn't shout for help. The person dragged you to the car with tinted windows. Someone inside that you couldn't see opened the door and the person who was clutching you threw you inside the car, covering your eyes and mouth now. You heard how they closed the door and how the car began to move as you started shivering in fear, freaking out. You were trapped in a car with people you couldn't see. This was W.