AN: A Puck chapter was requested, so here it is! Warning: Puck's still got a potty mouth. Also, lots of spoilers for the movie "Funny Girl."

So, it was a Friday night. I should have been off at some party drinking and trying to hook up with some Cheerio. Or I should have been rubbing my baby-mama's feet, trying not to go trolling for Cheerios. Instead, I was sitting on a couch with Rachel Berry in my lap…but not in a fun, sexy way. See, Quinn and I got her home and walked her inside. Quinn went to go make some tea, and Rachel started crying, so I gave her a hug. Well, that just made her cry harder. The crying went on for a while, and my legs got tired, so I just sat down and kinda pulled Berry with me. That's how she ended up in my lap.

Finally, Quinn showed up with the tea. (Seriously, how long does it take to boil some fucking water?) And Berry was curled up all tiny, crying so much my shirt was getting wet.

Quinn mouthed, "What did you do?"

I glared at her and mouthed, "Nothing. HELP ME!"

Rachel sniffled. "What are you guys doing?"

"Nothing, sweetie," Quinn replied. "I brought you some chamomile tea. Why don't we put in a movie? 'Funny Girl'?"

I glared at Quinn again. Of all the movies to suggest, she had to pick that one? Musicals were annoying, but some—like Grease, Rent or Sweeney Todd—were slightly less annoying. (Actually, Sweeney Todd is awesome.) But Rachel nodded at Quinn's suggestion, sniffling some more. About twenty minutes in, she moved from my lap to sit beside me, belting along with Babs to "I'm the Greatest Star" and "I'd Rather Be Blue," so maybe Quinn made the right pick.

Barbra Streisand plays Fanny Brice, a Jewish chick who loves to sing. Because she had a kinda-big schnoz, no one seems to get that she's hot and destined to be a star. Omar Sharif is the one guy who gets it: Nick, a pretty-boy gambler who ends up in jail.

In the scene when Fanny notices the polish on Nick's nails, I told Berry, "That's when she should have known she couldn't trust him."

"Noah!" Rachel replied, sounding scandalized, "Though their love ended badly, it was an important part of her life and her drive as an artist."

"Whatever, babe. Never trust a straight guy wearing nail polish!"

I checked out for a while, thinking about what had happened at glee practice, the shit Rachel's mom said about giving up a kid, and the fact that Rach and her mom had a weirdly similar dream. I know Berry claimed to be "a little bit psychic," but I figured she was full of it, like when she told me she won a dance contest when she was three months old. Yeah, she'd figured out that I was the one who got Quinn pregnant, not Finn, but the real shocker was that no one had figured that out sooner. This stuff with her mom, though, was both cool and creepy. I better never piss her off, I thought, or she could murder me with her brain, like Carrie.

There was a scene in "Funny Girl" with a bunch of hot chicks in sparkly bikinis, so I paid attention for a while. Then, during a part when Nick's hitting on Fanny outside her mom's saloon (how awesome would it be if Ma ran a saloon?), Rachel took my hand and looked right at me as Fanny said, "You can get lonesome being that free," and Nick shot back, "You can get lonesome being that busy."

"Now who'd think to look at us that we've got the same problem?" Fanny replied. I smiled, knowing what Rachel was thinking.

Then she was singing along with Barbra again: "People…people who need people…are the luckiest people in the world." I hoped she was paying attention to the words. She's not good at needing people. Me neither.

"Lovers…are very special people. They're the luckiest people in the world." Rachel snuck a glance at me, so I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. She laughed, but was quickly singing again. Quinn tried to pretend she didn't notice any of this. She seemed surprisingly cool with Berry and me curled up on the couch. In fact, she had helped make it happen, bringing us a blanket and a box of tissues when we first sat down so Rach wouldn't have to leave my side. At one point, I think she even snapped a pic of us with her cell and sent it to someone.

My mom had watched this movie all the time when I was growing up, so I knew the songs and the basic plot, but I'd never actually sat down and watched it. I could tell Rach was thinking about how much we were like Nick and Fanny—a gleek and a badass.

"We're not them," I whispered, after Nick told Fanny that he never made plans because they made him feel "too tied down." She actually looked disappointed. "No, I mean, there are girls you say that shit to, and there are girls you make plans with. He's too dumb to know that she's a girl you make plans with." She gave me a huge smile, then resumed singing "People" with the Barbra. Berry's voice gave me chills.

Then the house phone rang, and the Rachel let the answering machine get it. "Hello, Alex? Ben? It's Shelby," a voice echoed from the machine's speakers. "I don't know if Rachel told you, but we met today. I didn't seek her out; it just happened. I think she wants me to be a part of her life. I've given her my phone number, but I didn't want to do anything else until we all got a chance to think it through and discuss. Call me, okay?"

"She's having second thoughts," Berry whispered.

"No, she isn't," Quinn replied. "She probably has an agreement with your dads and doesn't want to step on anyone's toes."

She seemed lost in thought. Then, the one scene I really like started, where Nick sings to Fanny to get her into bed. Nick's kind of a douche, but I had to give him props for that move. When a girl loves music, singing is the way into her heart, and her pants.

Berry still looked so sad, and I knew the easiest way to cheer her up. It was going to be dorky, but I'd never seen her this upset, so I sang along with Omar Sharif: "You are woman and I am man." She giggled in surprise. I stood and pulled her to her feet and danced with her as I sang, "You are smaller so I can be taller than. You are softer to the touch. It's a feeling I like feeling very much." I ran my hand down her body. Like I said before, dancing rules. You get to touch hot chicks and they think it's romantic. I dipped Berry before the second verse: "You are someone I've admired. Still our friendship leaves something to be desired. Does it take more explanation than this? You are woman I am man. Let's kiss."

Rachel pulled away and sang Fanny's verse: "Isn't this the height of nonchalance, furnishing a bed in restaurants? Well, a bit of dinner never hurt, but guess who is gonna be dessert?" I imitated Nick, slowly chasing her around the room, stroking her skin when I got close enough. Quinn was laughing, and I was trying hard to keep a straight face as Rachel hammed it up. I'd never really seen Berry do comedy before, and I almost lost it when she sang, "What a beast to ruin such a pearl! Would a convent take a Jewish girl?"

I managed to stay cool while singing my next line: "Does it take more explanation than this?"

"Ooo the thrills and chills going through me." The way she sang it was totally hot, but the next second she was being silly again: "If I stop him now, can he sue me?"

I took her into my arms and sang, seductive as fuck, "You are woman."

"You are man," she replied.

"Let's…" And I must have gotten caught up in the scene, because I had dipped Berry again, and my lips were almost on hers. Then I heard someone clapping and almost dropped her; Rachel's dads were home from work, and Ben was giving us a round of applause.

"Wow," Alex said, looking puzzled. I straightened Rach back up. She was blushing, and for some reason, I liked it.

"That was amazing, you two!" Ben said. "Noah, you know 'Funny Girl'? I knew you were a keeper!"

"Um, maybe I should go," I said.

"What is this, straight-boy-musical-shame? I thought you could just get around that now by saying 'no homo,'" Ben teased.

I nervously ran my hand through my Mohawk. "No, it's not that. It's just…you guys have family stuff to deal with."

"We do?" Alex asked.

"Wait," Rachel said, softly. "Stay?"

I nodded and took her hand. By this point, Quinn had stopped the movie and gotten out of her chair. She put an arm around Rachel's waist.

"Dad, Daddy, I think you should listen to the message on the answering machine." I rolled my eyes, because of course Berry had to do this the most dramatic was possible. She couldn't just say, "Dads, I met Shelby, and I want to hang out with her."

Her dads looked stunned by Shelby's message.

"How did this happen?" Ben asked.

Rachel told the story in great detail, working that story like it was a monologue she was giving in a Broadway play. The girl definitely was good with a story. Her fathers looked angry when Rachel talked about Shelby's attempt at spying, concerned when they heard about Rachel's problems with Jesse, and emotional when she recited Shelby's speech on why she stayed away from Rachel.

"Do you want her in your life, baby?" Ben asked.

"I…I think so. Well, on the one hand, I am appalled that she tried to use my relationship with Jesse to give Vocal Adrenaline an edge, but on the other hand, I understand how the thrill of competition can lead one to cross a moral line." She blushed, and I remembered the rumors that she'd gotten creepy Mr. Ryerson fired because he kept giving some boy all the solos. I mean, no one doubted that he was feeling the kid up, so it's not like Berry lied. More like she told for all the wrong reasons, and without thinking about what it would do to the poor kid, who was so embarrassed that he transferred to another school.

"Well," Alex piped up, "The contract we drew up with Shelby didn't give her any legal rights as your guardian, but it doesn't prevent her from being part of your life, either." He looked at Ben, and they did that married-people-silent-communication thing. "If you would like to spend time with her, we support you."

"It…it wouldn't hurt your feelings?" Rachel asked, timidly.

"No, baby," Ben, aka "Daddy," replied. "We know we're your parents and you love us. If Shelby's ready to love you, too, then that's great. Now if you decide you like her better…" He looked a little nervous at that thought.

"That could never happen, Daddy," Rachel exclaimed, letting go of Quinn and me to hug and kiss Ben. "Even Shelby says you're a better mom than she could ever be!"

Then she started hugging and kissing Alex, too. Alex teared up a little, and Ben teased him: "You're supposed to be the tough guy!"

"Shut up, dear," Alex grumbled before blowing his nose. Ben laughed and kissed Alex before pulling out his phone to order supper for all of us. That's how I ended up back on the couch with Rachel and Quinn. Alex and Ben took the armchairs, and we were all eating Chinese food and watching Funny Girl. I looked at my friend/baby-mama on my left and my…Rachel Berry on my right. They both prodded me during "Don't Rain on My Parade," trying to get me to sing along, but I have my limits. I rolled my eyes as the other four sang the song to me. Weirdest Friday night ever.

A while later, Quinn got up to use the bathroom and change into pajamas. The dads went to the kitchen to put away leftovers and pour themselves glasses of wine. I looked down and saw that Rach had fallen asleep, so I grabbed a pillow and put it in my lap. Then I shifted her head down to the pillow so she could sleep more comfortably. Her hair was so soft that I couldn't help but touch it.

I realized I was the only one still watching the damn movie and wished the remote was in reach. Watching "Funny Girl" to cheer Berry up was okay, but since she was sleeping, I'd rather be watching the game. For a while, I tried to get the remote off the coffee table using my feet, but eventually I gave up.

Nick was on the screen begging Fanny to divorce him, because he was afraid he'd never "catch up" to her. "I don't worry about you," Nick tells Fanny. "Once you're on that stage, nothing bothers you […] You're the strongest woman in the whole world."

That's the kind of fucked-up thinking that gets a guy throwing slushies. Women like Fanny and Barbra and Rachel? They know what they want, and they don't let anything get in their way. You can be jealous of it or you can get it through your thick skull how awesome they are and get the fuck on board. But just because they're good at pretending nothing gets to them, that doesn't mean that nothing does. I felt bad about how long it took me to get that, but at least I was faster than Nick. Barbra started singing "My Man."

"You know she sang this live," Rachel said, sounding really sleepy. "With Omar Sharif in the wings. They were having an affair, and they knew it would end when the shoot was over. All the other songs were lip-synched. But the director did this one live to get the emotion right."

"It's weird," I said. "The words are about crawling back to the guy, but…"

"But she sound so strong," Rachel said. "Triumphant. The real Fanny Brice sang it differently: much sadder. Barbra cut the lines about her man beating her, too."

"There's a real Fanny Brice?" I asked, just to rile her.

She sat up and looked shocked: "Noah! Of course there's a real Fanny Brice. Haven't you been listening to me? I already told you about the film's exclusion of Fanny's first husband and…"

I couldn't help laughing, and she grabbed the pillow from my lap and whacked me with it.

"Berry, violence isn't the answer!" I teased. I grabbed her, pulled the pillow from her hands, and the next thing I knew, I was kissing Rachel Barbra Berry. I was kissing her in the living room to a Barbra Streisand soundtrack with her "two gay dads" and my baby-mama in the house. And it was so hot I'm surprised out clothes didn't catch fire. When I let her go, Berry shocked the hell out of me by jumping up into my arms and wrapping her legs around my waist. She was grabbing the back of my neck with one hand and her fingers were in my 'hawk with the other. I tried to tell her with that kiss everything I'd been thinking about her all night. I was getting seriously into it, which Rach could feel, since she was pressed so close. Seriously, the girl smirked at me!

"Rach," I said, trying to pry her loose, "We gotta stop. We're going to get busted!"

"Who cares? I thought you were a badass!"

"Dude, I basically knocked up your sister, okay? It's going to be hard enough convincing your dads to let me date you."

"You want to date me?" She looked shocked and relaxed her grip, sliding to the floor in a way that was both awesome and torturous. I groaned.

"Yeah, Berry. I told you: some girls, you make plans with."

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