The conditions of my experiments are not what most people consider pleasant. Without any form of human contact, or any stimuli, the human psyche tends to fall into a state of grave despair. After the anguish of the preliminary phase of Solitary, my guests are no doubt down in the dumps. But I am curious, just how depressed are they?
"Guests, please stand in the center of your pod." They did as they were told. "I want to know something. How are you feeling right now?"
"I can deal with the hunger," said Number 7, "and I can deal with the tiredness, and I can deal with the cold. But I can't deal with the boredom. There's nothing to do but stare at the walls. Stare at the pink, emasculating, walls."
"I'm cold, and I don't like to be cold," said Number 9. "I can handle the not sleeping, and the not eating, and long as I'm near the fires of the forge. But when I'm in this freaking refrigerator you call a pod? No way."
"I feel horrible," said Number 1. "I'm freezing, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm bored, I'm lonely…uh…yeah."
"Tired, hungry, bored, et cetera," said Number 6. "Someone else might feel grave despair. But I'm used to despair, so I can handle it."
"Life in Solitary sucks," said Number 3. "I'm pushing myself to places where I don't really want to be. It's uncomfortable. I know it's not supposed to be comfortable, but still."
"I feel homesick," said Number 5. "I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss going to sleep when I want to go to sleep."
"I am so flipping bored," said Number 4. "I've got cabin fever, and there's no cure for it, because I can't leave this stupid pod."
"I'm tired," said Number 8. "I can't concentrate well unless I've had a good night's sleep. The rest of Solitary isn't a picnic either, but it's the lack of sleep that really ruins it for me."
Number 2 yawned greatly. "I'm more tired than anything else. I want to go to sleep, but you won't let me, so I don't know what to do with myself."
"Recorded."
It seems that my guests are quite bored. I think I would take offense at that, that is, if I had feelings. Still, Solitary may be a lot of things: challenging, uncomfortable, torture; but one thing it is not is "boring". Between Tests and Treatments, there is little time to get bored. But they will find that out soon enough.
"Attention guests. The time has come for your first Test. The winner of this Test will earn freedom from the upcoming Treatment. I understand that you are all feeling quite depressed. I am sure none of you are in the mood to laugh. This is good, because laughter will hurt your chances of winning this Test.
"In a moment, I will play a video of a celebrity giving a lecture. I want you to pay attention, because there will be a quiz afterward. And keep in mind that this is a very serious matter, so try not to laugh during the lecture or the quiz. If you do, you will lower your final score.
"I will start each of you off with 90 points. If you laugh during the lecture or the quiz, I will subtract one point per second. There are twenty-one questions on the quiz, and each correct answer is worth 10 points. The guest with the highest overall score at the end of the quiz wins."
What my guests do not yet realize is that this celebrity lecture is a famous comedian performing his routine. It is designed to make them laugh. At this low point in their lives, laughter would be a welcome release from the despair of Solitary. But they will have to put that release on hold for just a little longer.
"If you all understand the rules, I see no reason to delay the test. Without further ado, here is your celebrity guest lecturer, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy."
"Oh, no!" Number 5 shouted. She covered her mouth.
"Number 5, please do not cover your mouth, or you will lose points."
She uncovered her mouth, and forced herself to frown. It looked ridiculous. Number 3 contorted his face into a sour expression. Number 9 chewed his tongue. Number 1 bit down on her fist. Number 7 stuck a water bottle in his mouth.
The lecture hasn't even started, and already they are trying to contain their laughter. But Numbers 2, 4, 6, and 8 were still absolutely stone-faced. I can only assume that they have never heard of Mr. Foxworthy.
It wasn't long before the lecture had its effect on my guests. Mr. Foxworthy's opening bit had them wincing.
"These boots make a statement. And that statement is, 'You can't give rednecks money.' Because that's the kind of thing we buy with it!"
Number 4 smirked momentarily, but regained her composure quickly. But that counts as laughter, so I have to deduct one point. Number 2 laughed exactly twice before recovering. However, it took three seconds, so he loses three points. Number 1 let a little chuckle get past her fist, costing her two points. Number 9 smiled big as Christmas for a full seven seconds, and lost seven points.
Number 5 breathed in short, quick puffs, keeping in her laughs. Number 3's sour face seemed to keep his laughter bottled up. Number 7 corked in his laugh with his water bottle. Numbers 6 and 8 didn't laugh at all. Either they are controlling their laughter really well, or they don't get the joke.
"Sophisticated people have retirement plans. Rednecks play the lottery. That's our plan. 'And when we hit the Pick Six, we're gon' add a room onto the trailer, so we don't have to sleep with Jim's daddy no more.'"
I clearly underestimated Number 8's sense of humor. She let a chuckle escape so slowly, that it almost sounded like snoring. However, it still counts, and I have to deduct four points from her score. Number 1 cackled loudly, and stopped suddenly. She lost another five points. Number 4 smiled and chortled for 10 seconds, costing her 10 points. Number 2 laughed out loud for a solid quarter of a minute, losing 15 points in the process.
Number 6 twisted his face slightly. Clearly, he was holding in his laughter, and quite well. Number 3 was doing well with controlling his laughter, as were Numbers 5, 7, and 9.
"You'd play with that paddle ball for five minutes, the rubber band thing would snap, the ball would go flying, break something, and you'd get a spanking with the paddle!"
Number 3 lost control on that joke, costing him six points. Number 5 laughed a little too, losing eight points. Number 1 lost two points, Number 4 lost another three, and Number 7 lost control of his laughter, and lost nine points. My other guests all kept in their laughter.
"I still don't know how they decide how long to make the bungee cord for the first jump at a new place. 'All right, Ed, let him drop!' nnnnnneeeeeeeoooooooooo *boosh* 'All right, shorten it up a bit! And give his girlfriend a free T-shirt!'"
Number 6 giggled a little, and lost two points. This was odd, because none of my other guests laughed at that joke.
For forty-five minutes, my guests fought the urge to laugh. Some had more success than others, but not one could resist it completely. But late into the lecture, one joke had the most profound effect on my guests.
"My wife and I cannot leave the house without playing the Flamingo Leg Game. That's where she puts on two different shoes and says, 'Honey, which pair goes better with this dress? These or these?' I just mess with her, 'I don't know, do it again!' 'These or these?' 'Whoo, I just can't decide, do it again!' 'These…"
By this time, it seemed that some of my guests had given up on holding in their laughter. Number 2 clutched his side, dropped to the floor, laughed his score all the way to zero, and just kept going. Number 1 braced herself by putting her hands on her knees, and she laughed her score down to four points before regaining her composure. All of my guests laughed at that joke, but none as much as Numbers 1 and 2.
However, nothing compared to the reaction my guests had to this bit.
"'You have been found guilty of breaking and entering. For the next six months, you are required to get a bikini wax every two weeks.' 'No, your honor, have mercy on me!' 'And if I catch you again, you'll have to get a butt-wax too.' … I'm sorry; I have no idea where that came from."
Number 8 held her head in her hand and cackled for 25 seconds before calming down. Number 6 collapsed and laughed for 23 seconds. Number 5 laughed her score all the way to zero, as did Numbers 1, 3, 4, and 7. Number 9 laughed his score down to a mere nine points.
At long last, the lecture came to an end. Knowing that the exam was next, my guests quickly turned from the screen and tried to regain their composure. Some tried shaking their sillies out. Others tried to think depressing thoughts. None of them dared forget the lecture. With a free pass to the next cycle on the line, they needed to remember everything.
"Attention, guests. I know you paid attention to the lecture, because most of you were laughing quite hard. Did you forget that laughing reduces your score?"
The guests didn't answer. They tried to hold in their laughter once again.
"In any event, the Solitarian with the highest score so far, the guest who laughed the least during the lecture, is Number 6. But that can change during the quiz, which begins…now.
"What is the only place where you can shoot craps and doves within 10 feet of each other?"
"Michigan?" Number 6 guessed.
"Montana," tried Number 9.
The rest of my guests gave the correct answer: "Mississippi."
"What is the definition of 'redneck'?"
"Unsophisticated," said Number 1.
"Lack of sophistication," said Number 5.
"A glorious absence of sophistication," said everyone else, correctly.
"What can be found on Dale Earnhardt's forehead?"
Nobody missed that one. "Ketchup."
"How much does a house full of furniture cost at a yard sale?"
"Two bucks," said Number 6.
"Three bucks," said Number 4.
"A buck fifty," said Number 5.
The correct answer, given by the others, was "A buck twenty-five."
"Cousin Danny was walking in chest-deep water, holding what?"
"An umbrella."
"How many people were killed in the bus in Pakistan?"
"500," said Number 3.
"3,000," said Number 7.
Correct answer: 300. Everyone else knew that.
"When was the last time Jeff flossed?"
"Pfft, I don't know," said Number 1.
Numbers 4 and 9 also forgot.
Everyone else knew. "The last time he flossed, his dentist did it for him."
"The person taking Jeff's cassette cases is leaving him what?"
"Keys."
"What is the name of the company that makes the portable safe?"
Only Numbers 2 and 8 knew the answer to that one: "Ronco."
Nobody else had a clue.
"What is the definition of 'totally committed'?"
"Well, you see those dead possums on the side of the road? They're partially committed."
This next question was my favorite. When I read it, I altered my voice, to sound like I was on the verge of tears. Call it VAL's personal touch.
"If I died, would you ever get remarried?"
"No way, baby," said Number 9. "Wait, no, that's not right, don't record that!"
"Too late."
The correct answer, of course, is: "All right, but just for the sake of the children."
"What is rule number one of any relationship?"
"If she ain't happy, you ain't happy!"
"What is Jeff's role in building their home?"
"He just brings the stuff into the house," said Number 5. While she is technically correct, paraphrasing the answer makes it incorrect.
The correct answer is: "He's the 'Mule'."
"Why would you rather deal with Jeff than his wife?"
Again, Numbers 2 and 8 knew the answer, while everyone else forgot.
"Jeff will shoot you. His wife will shoot you, and then spend 30 minutes telling you why she shot you."
"What is the official uniform of suspicious noises?"
"I don't remember," said Number 6.
But everyone else did remember. "Underwear and a baseball bat."
"What injury was Jeff's wife willing to pull the plug over?"
"A hangnail," said Number 1.
"A stubbed toe?" Number 9 guessed.
Everyone else knew. "A sprained ankle."
"What is Jeff going to regret about the lecture?"
"Butt-wax."
At this point, Numbers 1, 4, and 7 started to chuckle again, losing more points.
"What can be used to clean a rusty grill?"
"Women's leg hair."
"What is the most effective method of birth control?"
"Scratching your butt."
"Complete this sentence: I need some space…"
"Without you in it."
"Woman is to diesel engine as man is to…?"
"Bottle rocket."
"This Test is now over. Before I announce the results, please take this moment to release any pent up laughter."
Number 3 dropped to the floor. He laughed a peculiar kind of laugh that made no noise. But I could tell he was laughing, his breathing was labored.
Number 5 gripped her sides and collapsed laughing.
Number 9 laughed so hard, the walls shook.
Number 1 started acting out her favorite part of the lecture, giggling as she did.
"You take the biggest, burliest truck driver in America, and put him in a pair of high heels, that's how he'll walk. 'Hey, Jerry, pick up the tab, I'm off to the restroom.'" She started to strut like she was in heels. "'My slip ain't showin', is it? I hope not.'"
"Ha, ha ha, ha ha," Number 4 said, without emotion.
Number 2 pounded the floor with his fist, he was laughing so hard.
Number 7 laughed until he started hyperventilating.
Even Number 8 laughed a little bit.
But Number 6 didn't laugh at all.
"Number 6, there is no longer any need to keep your laughter bottled up."
"I'm not," he answered flippantly.
"Did you not find the lecture funny?"
"The man is a blithering moron, and his act is a testament to his own stupidity. I fail to see how that is funny."
"I do not believe that you really think that. I have evidence that suggests otherwise."
I showed him footage of himself, laughing at two jokes.
"Okay, so maybe it wasn't all bad."
"Thank you for being honest."
When all the tee-hee's and ho-ho's subsided, I broadcast the results.
"Attention guests. I have the final results of the Test. Two guests held their laughter in very well, and had a comfortable lead going into the quiz. Two guests got a perfect score on the quiz, and added over 200 points to their scores.
"But one guest managed to do both, and scored a grand total of 271 points out of a possible 300. That guest…and the winner of this Test is…
"Number 8."
On hearing this, Number 8 applauded herself.
"Congratulations," I told her. "You will be exempt from the upcoming Treatment. How do you feel?"
"It's a big relief."
"I'm impressed by how well you held in your laughter. Was it difficult?"
"No, not really. I got all of his jokes, but I didn't like most of them. But that flamingo leg game bit…" She snickered again. "It was hard not to laugh at that part. In fact, I think I hurt myself doing that."
"You also answered every single question right."
"Yeah, I knew I would though. I have an amazing memory. It comes with being a daughter of Athena."
"Do you think your amazing memory will help you again in Solitary?"
"Maybe. I don't know. You never know with reality shows."
"Recorded."
-
"Number 2, you were the only other guest besides Number 8 to answer all the questions correctly. If you had held in your laughter better, you might have won this Test. Why didn't you?"
"I just couldn't take it anymore. The man is an artist. I have to appreciate his work, and that's by laughing. Tell me not to laugh at Jeff Foxworthy, and you might as well tell me not to love a sunrise. I'm just not doing it."
"You realize that this stubbornness means you will face the Treatment, and it could mean that your stay in Solitary will end."
"Yeah, I know. But the money's not that important to me. If I stay, I stay, if I go, I go. I am who I am, and if 'who I am' is not the winner of Solitary, I'm okay with that."
"Recorded."
-
"Number 6, you were ahead of Number 8 heading into the exam. If you had answered more questions correctly, you might have won freedom from the first Treatment. Were you not paying attention to the lecture?"
"I guess not."
"Haven't you ever had to pay attention in school?"
"I haven't been in school very much, VAL."
"Okay, have you had trouble paying attention in your normal life?"
"Paying attention isn't really that important in my daily life."
"Really? Why not?"
"Battle reflexes. When you're fighting monsters, you need to be aware of a lot of things all over the place. Focus on any one part of the fight for too long, and you get a blade in you."
"So concentrating on the lecture forces you to ignore your survival instincts."
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Interesting. In Solitary, there is no need for 'battle reflexes', as there is nobody in your pod except you. Do you think you will be able to adapt to this environment?"
"If I want to stay, I'll have to. If I can't, I'm outta here."
"Recorded."
It seems that most of my guests have this same problem. Compared to the chaos of a mythological fracas, life in Solitary must seem so quiet, so sedate, and so completely dull. While they are used to charging and killing everything in sight, they must force themselves to calm down, and take life one moment at a time. Can they unlearn their combat training? Only time will tell.
123456789
Coming up, the guests get a small inkling of who their opponents are…
"Number 5 is going to be the first one out of here!" Number 4 vows.
…before the first Treatment leaves their ears ringing.
Number 1 is tugging on her hair while sirens blare in her pod.
Which guest will be the first to quit Solitary? That data, and more, when Solitary reboots.