A/N: SURPRISE CHAPTER! Yes, I decided to update owing that it's Valentine's Day, even if I don't like Valentine's Day (for many personal reasons that I'll gladly explain if you want to know), this is my way to tell you I love you! I hope it's a nice surprise. Now, I dedicate this chapter to each of you, and a special dedication to Vicky, the one who requested me to write certain thing about Freckles and Brian long time ago! Trust me, I always try to find a moment to add your requests and fit them in the story, so it may take me a long to add them, but I always try to do it to make you feel this is not my story, but a story written by me and all of you. Now! Time to answer the reviews!
eternityforklaine21: Jodie! Happy Valentine's Day! I updated earlier this time as I promised! That really just happened. It wasn't fictional. Well, it was fictional, but it was real in the fiction, if that makes any sense. Of course it makes sense even if it seems it doesn't. Oh yeah, Jack is a douche! Or not... There will be more chapters to figure out if he is a real douche or he is just a troublesome. A love/hate relationship with Brian! It's interesting that I can make you feel such a thing! And well, yes, I understand, sometimes you can't get along with a character, it happens. Sometimes some characters are villains but you love them anyway; example: Snape, Loki, The Joker, Beetlejuice, Jareth, Mr. Burns, Alex DeLarge, Gru, and well, the list goes on. Now, as you said, Freckles was cruel but she acknowledged her mistakes, and there must be a reason why she blurted that way. Mandy is your new hate! There are a lot of despicable characters in the story, right? I agree, though, what she did was too wrong and she definitely ran off at the mouth. You will find out what happened to Freckles right now! I'm glad you managed to like the chapter despite it was angst galore as you said! You're fangirling over the story? haha, geez Jodie! Thank you so much! You know how much I love yours.
Zahra Ayoub: Happy Valentine's Day, Zahra! It's really nice to know that you related to a character and it's really thrilling to know that your dad said some of the words George said in the story. For what you told me, I think George/Brian relationship in the following chapters (maybe not in this one) would make you feel somehow connected and you probably would be the one who would understand it more than anyone. But maybe, I don't know. And I agree, the most important and what matters is that your dad knew that. Now about Mandy, I know, she acted in a very selfish and wrong way and she was inconsiderate with her own sister, maybe she will swallow her selfishness and proud and will apologize for what she did. I'll let Mandy know what you think! She says that next time she will do it in private and she won't be so cruel to say private things in public. Freckles sure is the meanest person while angry and she definitely doesn't know how to keep her mouth close when she's experiencing one of her outbursts. I'm glad you understood it was a defensive coping mechanism, though; and there must be another reason, too; but I agree that she went too far with her words. I hated myself and I hated Freckles when I wrote that, I'm not even kidding. Now, you got a new chapter earlier than usual! Thank you very much for saying that you'll always want a new chapter! And thank you for squealing when you saw Darren's response! haha.
santana12226: I knew Freckles would piss you off! I knew it! I hated myself and hated her when I wrote the part when she said all of those cruel and nasty words, trust me. This time she went too far, but thankfully you saw her reasons and there must be another reason, too. Well, think that Darren feels sorry for her perhaps because he still loves her! And Brian forgiving her makes you feel upset? Let's see if he does it and let's see if Freckles apologizes. You're the only one who said that Mandy is your favorite instead saying you hate her! Yes, someone had to let Freckles know how wrong she was, but maybe the way she did it wasn't the right one, either. I think there are a lot of guilty ones. Okay, random ship queen, let's see... I'll go with Jennack, because Jacifer reminds me of Lucifer, thought it would be accurate because Jack is kind of an asshole. I also prefer Mandy instead Amanda, Amanda is when someone is upset and call her Amanda! haha. Jandy, because it reminds me of candy and they are sweet together, maybe. Chlucky reminds me of Chucky, so no... Maybe Clucy, but I think no ship name goes well with those two names! Trust me, I suck at ship names, so yours will be always be better than mine, if that makes you feel better! About Darren's response... I asked him if he could post a pic of him when he was a toddler, so we could make a comparison of toddler Darren and 27 year old Darren. This is what he replied: "don't have any on me, but I'm sure there's some online. I found a pic in a bday article for February that said it was me in 2005- but NOPE it was from 2001... I look like a baby!" I didn't get the pic, but I got a response! That is what matters. And yeah, it was a stupid question, but I never thought he would even read it! And yes, I saw that interview when Darren talks about Mia and when he was told "You're girlfriend is beautiful" and he goes "Yeah, she is!". Well, he is starting to make it more public, little by little. The tweet from Joey to Darren was the best tweet ever! I laughed so loud! I love Joey, I really do! And Joey and Darren bromance is the best thing in the world! See? I updated earlier than usual! The college part? We still have more chapters to go, perhaps it ends in chapter 75/80. Perhaps, I don't know yet. I didn't start Playtime sequel yet! I'll do it as soon as I finish writing this one, so I can write it better, with my full attention to that story! You still have to give me the last names you thought!
Alright my lovely people! That was all for today! I hope you enjoy this Friday, or Valentine's Day! Even if you don't have a date, I really hope you eat lot of heart shaped chocolates and, well, instead of a card you got this new chapter! I know it's not as great as a card would be, but it's something! Wishing you an adorable week full of love. You read that well, a whole WEEK, not just a DAY (It would be better if I say LIFE). May your Valentine's Day be a Valentine's Life without the commercial factor in between! Until next time, guys! Warm fuzzies!
TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 65
Hiding my heart away
"Freckles!" I yelled terrified when I saw her falling sharply on the floor.
I reacted faster than what I thought. I ran and kneeled right next to her, softly placing a shaky hand on the back of her head to lift it. She remained with her eyes closed and completely motionless. I was jittery like hell, my hands wouldn't stop trembling and my heart wouldn't stop beating apace. The rest were just observing this situation in shock, too aghast to even come close.
"Freckles, open your eyes." I demanded edgily, looking straight at her pale and expressionless face.
I noticed how Mandy, who was standing in front of Freckles before she fell on the floor, kneeled next to her sister, in front of me. I glanced at her and I saw she was covering her mouth in horror, shivering slightly with eyes full of tears.
"Why isn't she opening her eyes?" She asked with trembling voice.
"I don't know." I responded with the same trembling and nervous voice. "Freckles, open your eyes!" I demanded again; yet she didn't react.
I leaned over and I pressed my ear to her nose to check her breathing. I couldn't sense anything at all and I felt even more jittery and frightened. Then I placed a finger under her nostrils; no signs of breathing. My heart was beating even faster and I was having trouble breathing. I noticed how everybody finally walked towards where we were and stood around Freckles, Mandy and I.
"Is she breathing? Darren, is she breathing?" I heard Jen asking in a restless way.
"What is happening to her?" February asked with shaky voice.
"Why is she so pale?" Joey questioned nervously.
"Is that blood on her hand?" Chuck asked horrified.
"Maybe we should check her breathing." Lucy suggested fearful.
"Should we call an ambulance?" Jack asked, he was the one who sounded more tranquil.
"Darren, for fuck's sake, do something!" Mandy yelled hysterically while shedding her tears.
"Will everybody please just shut the fuck up?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, totally altered; but it worked. "And please, move away! You're suffocating her and she needs air, goddammit!" I demanded stridently as they all receded, except Mandy who remained kneeling next to her sister.
I was agitated and troubled, my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I was already gasping. Everything around me seemed to be blurry and the voices seemed to be distant and muffled due to my nervousness. Damn, I had to do something; I was feeling like all the pressure was upon my shoulders, I felt like I was the one in charge to make Freckles open her eyes. But what would I do? I had no idea how to proceed. I refused to believe she wasn't breathing; therefore I took her wrist to check her pulse. Everybody, thankfully, didn't utter a single word. It took time, but I finally felt a very weak and almost imperceptible pulse, which made me breathe out in extreme relief. What was happening to her, though? She still had that expressionless face and her eyes shut.
"Darren?" Mandy questioned exasperated.
"She has pulse." I responded, my voice sounding throaty. Then I moved my face closer to Freckles' face, still placing firmly my hand on the back of her head. "Freckles, can you open your eyes?" I requested softly but her face was still. I fondled her cheek as my eyes were dampening and my sight got blurry because of the edgy tears; her skin was very cold, but she had pulse, I repeated in my mind. "Freckles, open your eyes." I supplicated. No response.
"Darren, I think we should take her to bed and call an ambulance." Jen suggested with trembling voice, yet trying to sound calm.
"Yes, yes." I responded while wiping my tears away and taking a deep breath.
I took Freckles in my arms, I stood up, and took her to her bedroom. Jen, Joey and Mandy followed me as the rest remained in the dining room. I carefully placed Freckles on the bed and then I remained looking at her with fright and pain. She didn't move, she didn't even make a grimace, nothing at all. Mandy broke into tears as Joey wrapped his arms around her to give her comfort. I tried my best to hold back my tears, but Mandy's crying wasn't helping at all; so I just bit my tongue as my mouth began to quiver and few slow, silent tears raced down my cheeks. Freckles needed to open her eyes, or at least she should just make a faint grimace, that was all I was asking for, to check she was still... here. Jen, who noticed I was shedding silent tears, placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.
"I'll call an ambulance. She'll be alright, Darren." Jen assured, but I knew she wasn't sure, she was trying to sound positive for all of us. Jen walked out the bedroom to call the ambulance.
"This is my fault. This is my fault." Mandy started repeating in a very distraught way.
"No, baby, it's not." Joey tried to comfort.
"Yes, it is. She was fine until I began to say all those awful and rude words. This is my fault!" She replied with a heart wrenching wail. I stopped looking at Freckles to turn around and look at Mandy who was behind me.
"Mandy, this is not your fault." I assured and she looked at me astonished as Joey nodded in a thankful way. "Yeah, you were having a rough argument and she was sad, but she was fine until she started coughing up blood... I think this happened for other reasons and I think this has been happening since before the argument. Don't blame yourself, Mandy." I said softly, yet my voice sounded choked and concerned.
"I'm just too scared!" Mandy whimpered and wept as Joey hugged her tightly and rubbed her back to reassure her. I looked down and gulped, again trying to hold back my tears and trying to calm.
"Me too." I admitted. "Joey, why don't you take Mandy out? I think everybody needs fresh air." I suggested and Joey nodded, but Mandy shook energetically her head and wiped her tears away.
"No, I wanna be with my sister." Mandy replied while gasping.
"And you will, Mandy. But first you should take a walk to clear your mind and try to relax. You won't help if you're way too hysteric and worried." I responded gently.
"Darren has a point. Baby, why don't we go for a walk with everybody else and then we return when we're calmer?" Joey asked kindly and Mandy looked down, bit her lower lip and hesitated.
"Okay. But Darren... Will you... Will you stay here with my sister? Just in case something comes to happen, please?" Mandy asked desperately.
"Yes, I'll stay right here all the time." I assured, smiling faintly at her.
She, surprisingly, pulled me into a hug. It was weird to get a hug from her, so I hugged her back and rubbed her back to reassure her as she shed more tears on my chest. Joey looked at us, but it wasn't in a jealous way. After a while, Mandy stepped back and looked straight into my eyes.
"Please, Darren, take care of her as you always did." She begged and I nodded.
"Of course I will." I responded, feeling a little bit good because finally she was treating me well as if she took off her mind that idea I was a dick.
"Come on, baby, let's go." Joey stated and took Mandy's hand as he looked at me and gave me a sad half-smile.
Mandy and Joey left the bedroom as Jen entered and announced the doctor will soon arrive. Then she also left and joined everybody else, leaving me alone in the house, just with Freckles; even February joined them. Although it'd have been nice to have February accompanying me, I wanted to be alone with Freckles and I didn't want anybody to talk to me; I wasn't in mood to talk because I was too troubled and I was already making a great effort not to cry. I sat on the edge of the bed, right next to Freckles and I remained staring her face, absentminded but really alert just in case I noticed one faint grimace on Freckles' face or body.
"Please, Freckles, open your eyes, tell me you're fine, make any kind of gesture if you're listening to me, I beg you." I whispered while looking distressed into her closed eyes.
She did not move, so that few tears silently streamed down my face. I moved closer to her face and I softly kissed her cheek, yet I remained pressing my lips against her cheek for a while. Little by little, I let my head fall right next to hers as I wrapped an arm around her to finally end up lying down next to her. I moved my face to her neck and I closed my eyes so that now my nose was brushing her neck near her ear as I was smoothly stroking her short hair. I couldn't feel her warmth as usual, she was very cold; but she still conserved her characteristic scent. I gradually opened my eyes and I stared her pale and expressionless face as I moved my hand to fondle her cold cheek.
"I don't know what's wrong with you, but I just wish you could open your eyes and let me know that you're fine. I need you to be fine, Freckles. I'm scared." I whispered with muffled voice because of the lump in my throat. More tears fell down my face, but I didn't care. "I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared because I wouldn't forgive myself if something bad comes to happen to you without first telling you how much I think of you, how much I adore having you next to me, how much you mean to me; but above all, how much I love you." I tried to articulate with my teary voice as I moved closer and I slightly pressed my lips against hers. Her lips didn't feel the same; her lips weren't warm and soft, they were cold and chapped. "I know we're just friends, but you'll always be the love of my life, Freckles. It was, is, and will always be you. I might have fallen in love with someone else, but I'll never love anybody else as much as I loved and love you." I said in front of her lips, firmly placing a hand on her jawline, as tears were dripping into my mouth and my sight was blurry. "You know? You once asked me what my biggest dream is. I told you it is becoming an actor and musician, being famous. That was a lie. Yes, it is my dream, but not the biggest one. My biggest dream is to have you until my dying day. And I never have these kind of dreams, but when it comes to you… I can't help it." I confessed and my voice cracked as I kissed her lips again while fondling her cheek. "I love you so much, Freckles, and I need you to get better. Please, show me you're fine, somehow, like that day in hospital when we were teenagers, when you talked to me with your eyes. Please, Freckles." I begged desperately, now looking at her eyes again.
I was hoping some kind of reaction, I was truly full of hopes, I was almost sure she would do something now; however, she remained completely motionless and that made me cry my heart out. I was just too scared and too desperate and now that I was alone I wouldn't pretend I was strong and fine. What made me stop crying was when I heard the doorbell ringing. I wiped all my tears away and I inhaled and exhaled to calm down; right when I got it, I opened the front door. It was the doctor. I led him to the bedroom and he started checking her and asking some questions about her medical record that I could not answer. I just could tell him what happened earlier. He was now checking her eyes and the room was extremely silent; this abysmal silence was freaking me out, I began to feel nervous, scared and desperate again. Finally, the doctor stepped back and turned around to look at me.
"You told me the patient, before being in this condition, was having a very rough dispute. Is that right?" The doctor asked, very tranquil.
"Yes, that's right, doctor." I answered edgily.
"Would you describe the dispute as a stressful event?" The doctor asked and I bit my lips and nodded. "On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most stressful, how would you describe the overall atmosphere during the dispute?"
"Uh… 9?" I responded with trembling voice as the doctor nodded.
"Has the patient ever had health problems during a stressful event?" The doctor asked and I tried my best to remember something, until I got it.
"Yes, actually. It was about two years ago; she suffered temporary memory loss due to high grade of stress among other reasons. At least that is what I know." I answered and the doctor nodded again and remained serious.
"In the last year, have you noticed in the patient considerable weight loss?" The doctor asked and I nodded as a response. Yeah, that was for sure; Freckles was way too thin than as I remembered her. "Do you know if the patient has lately experienced one of the following symptoms: nausea, vomiting, tiredness, weakness, loss of appetite, blood in vomit or stool, or a gnawing or burning pain in the abdomen?" The doctor asked and I felt completely useless because I really didn't know.
"Uh, I really don't know... I just... She's acting weird, though." I answered and the doctor frowned, as asking me to continue elaborating. "She doesn't eat that much, maybe it could be because of loss of appetite; and she's acting rudely and almost impulsively, then she feels kind of disconcerted for what she did, as though she wasn't aware of her actions. And well, before fainting, she coughed up blood. Oh, and… Months ago she experienced regular high grade fever." I answered and the doctor nodded and remained silent for a long time, something that made me feel scared and nervous. "Is that bad? What does it mean? What does she have?" I asked jittery.
"The first diagnosis is that she has peptic ulcer, it's the most common ulcer of an area of the gastrointestinal tract that is usually acidic and thus extremely painful. In the patient's case it was caused by emotional and physical stress. However, it could have been increased due to the excessive consume of caffeine; non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medication, such as ibuprofen, aspirin, naproxin, or piroxicam; improper diet, irregular or skipped meals; the consume of alcohol and smoking." The doctor answered as I nodded. But... What? What exactly could cause that peptic ulcer? Was it something too serious or not? "Fortunately, peptic ulcers are relatively easy to treat; in many cases they are cured with antibiotics, antacids, and other drugs that reduce the amount of acid produced by the stomach. There are also a variety of self-help and alternative treatments that can aid in relieving pain." The doctor added and I breathed out in relief. I was really scared that it could be something too serious.
"So... Uh, what meds does she need? Is she gonna get better any soon?" I asked.
"Yes, she will get better soon, if she takes the drugs I prescribe. That includes H2 antagonists, mucosal protective agents, and proton-pump inhibitors. Besides, the patient must avoid the consume of alcohol, spicy meals and caffeine, at least for one week; and in case she smokes, she should quit it. Above all, she should avoid any kind of stressful situation." The doctor answered and I nodded, though thinking that avoiding stressful situations would be hard right now. "It's not too serious, but if the symptoms do not resolve after a few weeks of treatment, she should be monitored by a doctor, because it could be stomach cancer, considering stomach cancer can cause similar symptoms." He said and my heart skipped a beat as I gasped. Stomach cancer? That was not good at all. It seemed the doctor noticed my terrified face, because he added something else. "There are too little possibilities of being stomach cancer; but it's just a warning."
"Alright, I get it. Thank you, doctor." I responded, calmer but still with trembling voice.
Right after that, the doctor gave me the prescription and left the house. I texted Jen to ask her to buy those meds for Freckles, and then I returned to the bedroom and lay down in bed next to Freckles. I stared the ceiling, closed my eyes and exhaled very slowly and heavily, in complete relief, as I was feeling how my heart rate was slowing down and how my body, little by little, stopped trembling to relax. When I relaxed, I felt tired all of a sudden; probably because of the intense tension and preoccupation recently experienced. Then I turned on my side and faced Freckles. I grinned softly and I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. My heart skipped a beat when Freckles, all of a sudden, coughed. At least she showed a sign of being conscious and this time no blood came out her mouth.
"Freckles, hey, Freckles. Can you hear me?" I asked desperately, leaning forward on my elbows to lift my torso and look at her. She frowned slightly, but did not open her eyes.
"Darren?" She asked in sotto voce, her voice sounding really weak.
"Yes, Freckles, it is me!" I exclaimed feeling thrilled and really happy to hear her voice. However, I tried to exclaim it softly, not to disturb her. She, gradually, cracked open her eyes, taking a moment to adjust. "Hey, how are you feeling?" I asked kindly, softly fondling her cheek which wasn't so cold now; she was recovering her color. She turned her face and her eyes met mine, so I smiled sweetly at her.
"Fine, just a bit confused. What happened?" Freckles asked while frowning.
"You fainted, but you are fine now." I answered, still caressing her cheek as she looked at me horrified. "Hey, ba... Freckles." I corrected myself before saying 'baby'. Fortunately, she didn't notice it. "You're fine, I promise. Later I'll tell you everything, but right now you shouldn't stress out. You must rest, okay?" I asked. "Do you want to cuddle with me?" I dared to ask with a tender smile as she smiled back.
"That would be nice." She answered in a whisper.
I've never been happier to hear that response. Therefore, I moved closer and I snuggled up to her, enfolding my arms around her as she rested her forehead on my shoulder and placed her hands on my chest. I even dared to entwine my legs with hers and she let me do so. After a while I sensed a warm feeling on my chest: Freckles was silently shedding tears. Instead of talking, I held her tighter and rubbed her back as a way to reassure her and let her know I was right there with her. I knew that was what she needed the most. Perhaps she was crying because of all that had happened with Brian and Mandy; because of the way she's been feeling lately, so stressed, distraught and angry with no particular reason; but above all, perhaps she was crying because she didn't know how to apologize and let people know she didn't mean to act rudely.
"You're a lovely person, Freckles. Everybody knows that, despite everything." I whispered in her ear before kissing the top of her head. "I love you, baby." I whispered after a long time, but she was already asleep.
Luckily it was a new day because your Christmas was horrible. Well, to be more precise, it started in the worst way possible when you entered the dining room and everybody was looking as though you were some sort of criminal, when everybody started to leave as if they couldn't stand your presence, when you found out Brian wasn't there because he left the house, and then when Mandy said all of those hurtful things. You coughed blood and fainted, something you were hoping never happen in front of everybody. Apparently you had peptic ulcer due to stress; at least now you knew the reason why you have been coughing up blood, vomiting blood with clots, feeling dizzy and nauseous, having headaches and abdominal pain, and behaving in an unpredictable and rabid way. However, everything got a little better when you finally opened your eyes and you saw Darren was taking care of you, when he hugged and comforted you; and then when Mandy apologized sincerely and both of you talked in a quiet way. She could finally understood that you truly didn't mean all you told Brian that night, and it seemed everybody understood so, because they treated you nicely. Now you woke up, alone in your bedroom, hugged the teddy bunny, took a shower and changed your clothes before going to the kitchen.
"Freckles! Do you want an orange juice for breakfast?" Darren asked politely as soon as you entered the room. Everybody, except Brian, was there. They looked at you and smiled softly, fortunately they weren't looking at you as if you were a bitch.
"That would be nice, thanks." You responded, also grinning. You sat at the table, right between Mandy and Brian's dad.
"How are you feeling, sweetie?" Brian's dad asked gently, placing a hand on your shoulder.
You looked at him and felt really thrilled. You haven't seen him yesterday and you thought he would be disappointed in you or resentful after all you said to Brian that night, you knew he also heard the dispute as everybody else. But he was treating you as usual, so nice and kind; you didn't deserve that. Therefore, your eyes filled with tears and you looked at your lap as you painfully gulped.
"Are you feeling bad? Dizzy or nauseous?" George asked concerned as you felt how everybody turned their gaze to you. You slowly shook your head in response. "Then what is it?"
"I'm sorry." Was the only you could articulate with choked voice. "For all I did and for all the bad I caused. I'm so sorry." You added as slow tears raced down your cheeks.
"Don't apologize, sweetie." George said kindly, rubbing your back. "We all understand that all you said wasn't intentional and it was caused by the ulcer. I understand, more than everyone, than when you're sick sometimes you lose control and you're not aware of your actions. So don't feel as if you were a bad person because you're not, okay?" George asked, grinning amiably.
"Thank you, George." You replied, hugging him and wiping your tears away. "Does Brian know about this?" You asked, looking deeply into his eyes.
"No. I haven't talked to him. I thought that maybe you and him should talk about it and nobody, not even me, should meddle. This is only between you and my son." George answered and you looked down and nodded.
"How is he?" You asked and you noticed that he looked away as if he was uncomfortable. "The truth, please."
"He is... grief-stricken." He answered afflicted as you noticed how everybody looked down and remained extremely silent. You also looked down, feeling deeply dejected, as you tried to hold back your tears. "Nonetheless, he'll get better. The only you need is to talk and clear everything up. He'll understand you, sweetie." He added and you sighed and shook your head.
"I don't want him to understand me and I don't want to minimize his pain by telling him it was all caused by the ulcer. I want to minimize his pain by apologizing and showing him how regretful I am for all I said. I don't want to escape my mistakes, I want to face them and just... show him I love him, even if it takes me... long time to get it. I broke his heart, so this time I don't want him to forgive me so easily as usual, I want him to make it hard for me as it should be and as I deserve; this time I want to be worthy of his forgiveness." You replied firmly, looking down and biting your lips.
After that, the profound silence engulfed the room and when you looked up you saw George's pale blue eyes. They were looking deeply into yours in a very kind way, as he was smiling fondly. He placed a hand on your shoulder and squeezed it.
"I'm sure you'll find a way to be worthy of his forgiveness." George encouraged.
"I hope so." You sighed.
"Freckles, I think you could start by reading his book; there you might find some interesting things. I'm sure Brian gave it to you. He wanted you to be the first reading it, so he told me he'd give it to you as Christmas present." Jen suggested with a cheerful grin and you bit your lips.
"Oh yeah, about that..." You muttered, looking away.
"What? He didn't give it to you?" Jen asked, apparently confused.
"No, yeah... Yes, he gave it to me. But well, the book no longer exists." You responded uncomfortably as Jen and everybody else frowned, evidently they wanted you to elaborate. "When we had that dispute... Well, I left the bedroom and when I returned... The pages were torn up into small pieces. I just... I couldn't fix it. So yeah, there's no book." You explained, feeling ashamed and guilty.
"Well, I am the copy editor, also the sponsoring editor; so I have a copy of the book. I'll give it to you, if you want it, of course." Jen replied and you looked at her surprised and amazed.
"I'd really like it, Jen." You answered grateful, grinning softly.
After that, Darren appeared with your glass of orange juice and two croissants. He insisted you to eat it all even if you weren't feeling like eating. Argh, bummer. It was so lame to have breakfast without coffee. All of you started talking about random things and even though you didn't have your usual breakfast, it was a nice one. When you finished breakfast, you grabbed your purse and put on your coat before looking at George.
"So, are you ready, George?" You asked, frowning slightly because it seemed he wasn't planning to stand up.
"Ready for what?" Darren asked curiously, looking at you from head to toe. "Are you going out?"
"Yes. It's December 26 and we have to go to the hospital because the doctor will give us George's medical diagnosis." You responded and then looked at Brian's dad again. "George, if we don't hurry, we'll be late." You pointed out.
"Sweetie, I won't go." Brian's dad answered and you raised your eyebrows and dropped your jaw.
"What?" You asked loudly, narrowing your eyes in confusion but also incredulity. "George, today the doctor will give us the diagnosis of your current condition. This is not just an ordinary appointment you can miss." You stated kind of alarmed, looking fixedly at him.
"I know, but I just know what the diagnosis will be, I don't need to hear it from a doctor." George answered and you huffed and shook your head.
"Well, maybe the doctor has to say something that could surprise you and maybe your assumptions could be wrong. We must know what the diagnosis is. It is important." You replied firmly.
"Yes, perhaps it's important, even if I already know how the results of the diagnosis would be, which is why I talked to my son about this. We agreed he'll go to the hospital to hear about that diagnosis, but I won't go." Brian's dad responded and you frowned with your lips parted.
"Brian is gonna go to the hospital alone? He'll hear the diagnosis alone?" You questioned very serious, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, yes." George answered straight.
No, Brian couldn't be alone; he needed to be with someone; he needed to know someone was next to him in that hard moment; because if the result was negative, which was the most probable, he'd feel so bad that he'd need someone to be just there, someone he could lean on. You remembered when you accompanied him to the hospital in San Francisco, when he received the bad news, he needed someone just to hug and reassure him. Why wouldn't George go? Yes, it was evident it was because he knew the result wouldn't be good, because he already knew what awaited him and he was tired of hearing about his little chances of living longer; but Brian still had hopes unlike his father, so he'd broke with the diagnosis; he needed his dad or someone close to hold him in that moment in which his hopes, maybe, would die away to face one cold hard reality.
"I think someone should be with Brian." Jen commented, as though she could read your mind, so you nodded energetically. "George, I know you don't want to hear, once again, that your condition is getting worse because you're already tired of it and you just want to enjoy your days, it's absolutely understandable; but your son still has his hopes high, he still thinks there must be something you can do about, he still thinks everything can get better. We both know what the diagnosis will be and it's not positive. Brian doesn't know it and he'll go there thinking that the doctor will tell him that you, out the blue, got better and you're no longer at risk. So when he gets to hear the diagnosis, he'll feel really despondent and he will need you or someone to comfort him. So, I think you should go, not to hear the diagnosis, but to be with your son when he gets to hear it." Jen explained, saying out loud all you were thinking. You completely agreed and you admired the quiet and sensible way she said it.
"Yes, I know, Jen. I thought about this already. My idea, as you cleverly thought, was to go to the hospital not to hear the diagnosis but to be with my son and reassure him in the moment he faces the reality we both already know." George replied so all of you frowned in confusion. So? Why did he change his mind? "But it was my son the one who insisted he wanted to go alone. I refused, but he insisted strongly, saying it was the best. Now, I'm not quite sure why he wanted to go alone, maybe to convince the doctor there's something to improve my condition that we haven't tried yet; but he insisted and told me it was time for him to learn how to face these kinds of hard situations by his own and because he didn't want me to feel bad or stress out if the diagnosis wasn't positive. So I decided to respect his request. All in all, that's why I won't go." He explained and you frowned and narrowed your eyes both in confusion and suspicion. You weren't suspecting about George but about Brian. There was for sure one reason why he wanted to go alone that wasn't precisely what he told to his dad. What exactly was Brian thinking about all of this?
"I understand." Jen hesitated, also frowning. "But, uh, someone should go…" She commented and you noticed how she glanced at you.
"I'll totally go." You said firmly.
"Freckles, are you sure you wanna go?" Darren asked gingerly, looking fixedly at you.
Well, actually everybody was looking at you that way; of course they all were recalling what happened between you and Brian and they were thinking that probably it wasn't a good idea. And perhaps they were right, but you wouldn't leave Brian alone and less in this situation, no matter what happened between you. Then you saw how Mandy sighed and smiled widely.
"I think that would be really nice. Despite everything, you two are best friends and he'll be glad to see you there, even if he doesn't admit it." Mandy stated loudly.
"Yes, I agree with Mandy." Jen commented. "Freckles, despite everything, you're very important to him. So if George can't go because Brian doesn't want it, the best would be if another member of his family goes, even if he didn't ask for it. And that's you; he considers you like part of his family." She added and you nodded, grinning faintly and feeling touched because of her words.
"Yeah, maybe it would be nice if you go, Freckles." Darren said after listening to Mandy and Jen.
"Well, then, I should go if I don't wanna be late. I'll tell Brian to come here to have lunch today, maybe he'd like the idea, I don't know." You replied very determined. "See you later and have a good morning, everybody."
You left the house and you took a cab to go to the hospital. It was when you arrived at the hospital when you began to feel really nervous, guilt upon the conscience, that gnawing sense that you've done something other than what you ought to have done; you were feeling very burdened by your guilty conscience of knowing you were the one person who made Brian feel grief-stricken as George mentioned. What would he think, feel or do in the moment he sees you there? Would he be glad, angry or sad? Would he talk to you or would he ignore you? You didn't have the answers for any of your questions; you'd have to figure it out. You took a deep breath and got to control your shaky body before heading to the waiting room. There were few people and Brian was among those people. You stopped abruptly to observe him from the distance. He was alone, separated from others, sitting on a chair, his elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped together. His face was blotched and swollen with crying, his hair was kind of disheveled, he was haggard, and he had dark circles. He was staring bleary-eyed at nothing in particular, with eyes dimmed and watery, as from exhaustion or lack of sleep; his gaze seemed to be lost and absent, as though he was dull of mind or perception. He really looked devastated, weary and wretched. It was heartrending to see him like that; and this was largely your fault. You never saw him so abstracted, as though he was physically present but mentally absent, as though he wasn't aware of what was in his surroundings or where he was. It looked like he was inside a glass bubble and people around him were far away on the other side of this glass bubble; like a state of isolation. He looked like his own shadow at sunset. You frowned and closed your eyes, biting strongly your lips as you felt how the lump was forming in your throat produced by the intensification of guilt you were feeling; then you knew you were hollow and deeply remorseful, the most undesirable sentiment, a feeling somewhere between self-pity and self-hatred about your whole life. In that very moment you understood that repentance is not so much remorse for what you have done as the fear of the consequences; and you understood it wasn't shame what you now felt, or guilt, but something rarer in your life and stronger than both: remorse. A feeling which is more complicated and curdled; whose chief characteristic is that nothing can be done about it: too much time has passed, too much damage has been done, for amends to be made. That was your reality; he would not forgive you for all that. But then you thought that maybe what you called realism was just a way of avoiding things rather than facing them. You had to face this in order to change that supposed 'realism', to be entirely worthy of his forgiveness. As a first step to make this, you walked towards him; shambling but determined. You, silently, sat next to him and waited for some kind of reaction. However, he did not move, so you turned your face to look at him: he was still abstracted, staring bleary-eyed at nothing in particular, he did not notice your presence. This was worse than what you thought. You were about to talk, but you suddenly heard a deep and orotund voice echoing in the very silent waiting room.
"Mr. Clerk?" A man with gray hair, wearing glasses and white coat, asked.
With this voice, Brian came out of his reverie. He blinked, shook his head and stood up to walk straight to the doctor. You followed him, not uttering a single word, assuming he would finally notice you; but it seemed he didn't, so you just stood behind him.
"I am George Clerk's son, Brian Clerk." Brian stated and his voice sounded croaky and monotonous, unlike his usual modulated voice. "I'm aware my father called you to explain I was coming instead him for personal reasons." He added.
"That's right, Mr. Clerk. Would you mind to follow me?" The doctor requested and Brian nodded weakly. Before the doctor could lead the way to the consulting room, his gaze turned to you. "Is she with you, Mr. Clerk?" He asked.
You saw how Brian frowned in confusion and when he saw where the doctor was looking, he slowly turned his face to you. He parted his lips and slightly raised his eyebrows in amazement. Then he frowned and looked away, without saying anything at all, not even muttered a 'hello'. You didn't know if it was because he wasn't glad to see you or if it was just because he was surprised you were there, something he wasn't expecting. One thing you noticed was that his green eyes looked completely blank and they didn't have that usual twinkle.
"Yes, she is with me." He answered, his voice sounding throaty. Well, at least he said you were with him.
"Very well, then. Please, follow me." The doctor requested gently.
The doctor led you to the consulting room and asked you to have a seat. The doctor sat behind his desk and you and Brian sat next to each other at the other side of the desk. Brian was rubbing his knees and he was looking down as the doctor was looking for George's medical record and diagnosis in complete fraught silence, in which the only you could hear was how the doctor was turning the pages and the sound of friction between Brian's fingers and the fabric of his jeans. It was kind of irritable and it was making you feel fretful; the tension and eagerness of knowing George's diagnosis and having Brian next to you as though he was again abstracted, was killing you. Brian didn't glance at you, not even once; he didn't even made a grimace at your direction. Well, you should have expected this.
"Alright, Mr. Clerk." The doctor stated and his sudden voice ringing in the quiet room made you jump a little. Brian looked up and his face remained expressionless. "I have your father's medical record and I have compared his condition during his treatment in San Francisco to his condition during his treatment in this hospital. Your father has been doing almost the same treatments, only that with the latest technology equipment and..."
"Yes, I already know about all my father's treatments, medications, therapy and surgeries; and I know his medical record pretty well. Could you just tell me the diagnosis? And right now I don't wanna know about the medical specifications, I just want to know the options of how we can proceed from now on." Brian interrupted, his voice sounding guttural.
The doctor looked at Brian and frowned in confusion. You just glanced furtively at him and frowned slightly, not quite sure why Brian would request something like that if he was always very meticulous and careful when it came to his dad's disease. The doctor cleared his throat so you looked at him.
"Good, then. Your father has been improving but, unfortunately, the..." The doctor started saying but Brian interrupted him again.
"Please, doctor, cut to the chase. You don't have to find the mildest words to tell me the bad news. Just tell me the options, it doesn't matter how rough they sound." Brian said and this time you didn't waste your time to glance at him furtively; this time you looked at him into his eyes openly, completely disturbed. The doctor was astonished, but he nodded.
"Fine. We have two options and none of them are entirely positive." The man with gray hair and glasses responded, his voice sounding modulated. You looked at your lap, feeling kind of sad to hear that, but Brian remained expressionless. "First option is your father undergoes one last deep brain stimulation. We'll have to perform the surgery in two days, your father will have to increase the drug dose from today and he probably won't be conscious until the day we perform the surgery. There's a 98 percent of possibilities that your father will not survive the surgery; that means that you won't be able to communicate with your father from today and, most probably, it'll be the last day you will see and talk to him before his decease. Of course there are a 2 percent of possibilities your father will survive and it'd increase his life expectancy to a month maximum." The doctor stated and you looked at him thunderstruck, agape, as you felt a chill running through your veins. That had nothing of positive, it was completely negative. "Second option is we stop with the treatments, therapy and medication, except drugs for pain relief, from today on. That means you'll be able to enjoy with your father the time of life he has left, that is one week maximum. Your father, due to the drugs for pain relief, won't suffer and he'll be fine; most probably he will decease for natural causes, such as heart attack which is not painful and possibly he won't even realize it. He'll be able to do all the things he couldn't do during his treatment, such as going out, eating meals that weren't included in his diet, doing exertion activities, and a lot of more things; just as if he was having a healthy life; he'll enjoy this last week, his mood will considerably improve, and he'll have a pleasant decease." The doctor said and your dropped your jaw.
"Like... giving up?" You asked horrified and you noticed how Brian shifted on his chair, uncomfortably.
"I wouldn't call it like giving up. I'd call it like providing him a pleasant decease next to his loved ones and not in a surgery room." The doctor answered and you looked down and bit your lips as tears began to form in the corner of your eyes. You couldn't tell the difference, for you it was like giving up. "Mr. Clerk, those are the two options. We need you to make a decision right now, because we need to prepare everything in case you consider the first option as the best one." The doctor announced.
You closed your eyes for a little while and gulped to control your emotions. That was probably the worst diagnosis you've ever heard. One way or another, George would die in less than a month; none of the options were good, it seemed hopeless. If you were feeling bad, you didn't want to imagine how Brian was feeling. And the worst was that the doctor was practically forcing him to make a decision right now; it wasn't something easy to decide, it needed some time to deliberate each option very carefully. You glanced at Brian and noticed he seemed to be abstracted again, staring bleary-eyed at a random spot of the doctor's desk, his gaze lost, his hands clasping together very tightly and his jaw clenched. He didn't look fine, but he didn't look sad either, he didn't look angry, disturbed, worried, or nervous; he just looked... absent; and maybe a little overwhelmed. It was a weird expression, even if 'expression' wasn't the right word because his face was just expressionless; something that made him look as though he was deranged. You couldn't even guess what was going through his mind.
"Mr. Clerk, I need to hear your decision." The doctor insisted and you shot him a withering look. Couldn't he just be a little more delicate and patient? This wasn't something you could decide right away.
"Yes." Brian stated, his gruff voice echoing in the consulting room.
You quickly turned your gaze to him. He was now looking deeply into the doctor's eyes with that pair of blank green eyes. What? Could Brian have made a decision already? Without even consulting with you? Not that you had rights to opine, but he always used to ask your opinion, and more considering this was about George and George considered you as a daughter and you considered him as the father you no longer had. You swallowed and you felt your body slightly trembling, very eager and a bit afraid of hearing Brian's response.
"I want to stop with all the treatments, therapy, surgeries and meds." Brian said very surefire and determined. "Only one week left, right?"
"That's right, Mr. Clerk. Only one week left." The doctor answered.
What? You looked at Brian kind of scandalized and thunderstruck. Was Brian really choosing that option? Was he really giving up? He, after all he did and stopped doing for his father, was choosing to let him just... die? Without even trying something else? Without considering other viable factors and options? Did he really lose all hopes? You looked down and frowned, not in a confused way, but in an aghast and deeply distressed way. You bit your lips strongly and made a big effort to hold back the tears that were trying to escape the corner of your eyes, feeling the lump in throat because of your anguish. Your heart started beating really fast and you were having chills. You suddenly felt as though the room was blurry, cloudy and dark; as though everything around you was getting distant and vanishing. You felt really cold and dizzy, you could hear voices talking but you couldn't tell what they were saying because they sounded distant and unclear. You were wide awake but you felt as if you couldn't see anything at all. Now you were gasping and having trouble breathing, you felt as if you were choking, as if there was no air. You rocked your body back and forth, as trying to catch some air to breathe. All of this as a result of finally admitting the ineludible truth: George was gonna die in only one week and you were not ready for that. But why did it have to feel that way? Was it even normal? Suddenly you felt a heavy hand on your shoulder.
"Are you alright?" You heard a hoarse but kind voice asking.
You turned your face to the direction from where you heard the voice, but you couldn't see anything but darkness. You gasped and blinked. As soon as you blinked, you started seeing again. You were in the consulting room and you were looking into a pair of jade green eyes that were looking deeply into yours. The heavy hand, it was Brian's hand. You didn't speak, but you nodded in response. You felt tears filling your eyes, something that made your sight become blurred; yet you withheld them. Nonetheless, you had to look away.
"Are you sure?" Brian asked, now kind of worried. You nodded again, absolutely unable to talk. "Okay." He said and squeezed softly your shoulder before moving his hand away.
You didn't know why Brian didn't choose to give it a last try with the surgery, but you had to respect his decision. You had to be strong for he had the worst part and it was unfair taking all the attention when he was surely feeling worse than you. You should be the person comforting him and not vice versa. Therefore, you swallowed your own pain, took a deep breath and looked up.
"So, as I was saying, I'd have made the same decision, Mr. Clerk. I personally think it's the best one." The doctor said and Brian just looked down and nodded.
The doctor kept saying more things, mostly about the pain killers and other pain relief drugs George will keep taking and he also explained how all this situation would be. He wouldn't stop saying it'd be natural and normal; surely to show Brian the positive side of all this. However, Brian didn't comment anything at all and his blank stare returned. After a while, all of you stood up to leave the consulting room. Before heading out, the doctor said some words.
"I'm blessed to have met someone as extraordinary as your father is, so my prayers are with him and you, Mr. Clerk. Make sure to exploit all the time remaining with your father, God will handle the rest." The doctor said politely.
"Oh, God abandoned me long time ago, doctor; I hardly think God will appear now, out of the blue." Brian answered almost in a whisper, with a bitter and low giggle. The doctor frowned and you just looked away, sadly. "Nevertheless, thank you. And thanks for all you've been doing for my dad. Have a good day, doctor."
With this last thing said, you and Brian walked out the hospital, very silently. Brian seemed to be absent again, walking slowly with hands in the pockets of his jacket, apparently to nowhere in particular as you were following him. You needed to know how he was feeling or what he was thinking, but he wouldn't look at you, not even once; and you were feeling too remorseful to talk to him. You arrived at a square and Brian sat on one wooden bench. You didn't question anything at all, you just sat next to him. You were glancing at him furtively as he was just staring blankly one random spot, his hands still in the pockets of his jacket. You noticed how he took a deep breath and how then, slowly and heavily, breathed out. His eyes were now glossy, yet he remained abstracted and almost expressionless. It was as though he had no idea you were there. That was the situation: both of you sitting on a wooden bench in a random square, engulfed by a very abysmal, awkward and fraught silence, just staring blankly at some random point, sensing how the snowflakes were landing at the top of your heads in this cold and gloomy day in NYC, after receiving terrible news. Not a good day, you thought.
"Do you wanna talk about this?" You asked gently, trying to look into his green eyes. He, finally, made a grimace: He pursed his lips and slightly shifted his gaze downwards.
"No." He responded with orotund voice.
You looked down and nodded, feeling kind of sad because of that answer, but you couldn't blame him. This wasn't going to be easy at all. After a long and profound silence that seemed an eternity for you, you noticed Brian's gaze fixed on you.
"Thank you for being there with me today." He voiced, now with soft voice. You looked at him and smiled sweetly.
"Of course, I wouldn't leave you alone, despite everything." You responded and Brian looked away again and nodded. Now his gaze denoted a feeling, but it wasn't a good feeling: it was sorrow. The silence started again, but after a while, you broke it. "Hey, I was thinking that maybe you could have lunch at Jen's house. That would be nice." You suggested, looking intently at him, trying to sound cheerful.
"Yeah." He responded in a whisper, still looking away. Then he cleared his throat. "Yes, sure. After all, I have to talk to my dad." He added, always avoiding eye contact.
Well, at least he agreed going to Jen's house, perhaps that could be a little progress but you wouldn't take it as granted. Brian was the first one standing up and he started walking away, without uttering a single word and without waiting for you. You first stopped by a grocery store and Brian bought some things just as cheese, ham, chocolates, and wine among other foods. After that, he stopped a cab and opened its door to let you come in first, then he got inside. During the way, he didn't glance at you, he didn't talk, he didn't move, just anything at all; he was looking through the car window, abstracted and absent once again. All in all, he was just acting the same way he acted all morning long. That wasn't the Brian you knew. There was something about him now... something that made him be different, something was missing, something changed. Were you the only reason that made him be like that? The remorse increased just as the gnawing sense upon your conscience. When you arrived at Jen's house, Brian paid the cab before you could do it and he got out of the cab before you. He headed to the front door and you followed him. You thought he would enter the house before you and act as if you were some sort of ghost who wasn't next to him; but you were wrong. He stopped right in front of the door and when you were about to open it, he placed a hand on your arm to stop you. He finally made physical contact with you, so you felt very surprised and turned your face to look at him curiously. He was looking down, clenching his jaw and pursing his lips, seemingly uncomfortable.
"Uh, Sunny..." He babbled and your heart skipped a beat when you heard him calling you 'Sunny'. That was something nice to hear.
"Yeah?" You asked and your stupid voice cracked a little, so you cleared your throat.
"I know you hate me, but there was a time we used to be friends; so I'd like to ask you one last favor." He stated with a heavy sigh.
You frowned and looked at him in a deeply afflicted way. Nonetheless, he was avoiding your gaze, so he couldn't see that. That was something sad for you to hear, mostly the part 'there was a time we used to be friends'. He was still your friend, but of course he was still thinking you hated him which was bullshit.
"Brian, I... None of what I said that night was true." You confessed in all honesty, feeling the disturbing guilt again, looking deeply into his green eyes.
He frowned, narrowed his eyes, and finally made eye contact with you; and his gaze wasn't blank, it showed a feeling: it was incredulity; or at least that was what you thought. Then, on a second thought, you felt it was grief, because his jade green eyes were now a little teary.
"You looked into my eyes. You looked at me straight in the eye and you said all of that. And the eyes never lie." He replied with deep and hoarse voice.
It didn't sound as a reprimand, it sounded as something that was saddening him. He was deeply hurt and he finally showed it. No, you needed to prove him how things actually were.
"So well, look at me in the eye and you'll see that…" You started saying desperate, but he cut you off, while shaking his head with parted lips.
"I... I just can't... I don't wanna talk about it now. I want to just ask you one last favor. Please." He requested, again looking away.
You also looked away, bit your lips strongly, feeling a sharp pain in your chest as you, once again, were trying to hold back the tears that wanted to come out. You really wanted to talk to him and show him the real deal; now you weren't so sure if you wanted him to make this hard for you to get his forgiveness, it was just so hurtful that you didn't know if you'd be able to bear it. However, you thought this was not the time and place to talk; too many bad things were going on with this thing of his dad, you couldn't add another sad moment right now. Thereby, for the second time in the day, you swallowed your pain and you took a deep breathe. Be strong, you repeated in your mind.
"What favor?" You asked weakly.
"I'm gonna get inside and I'll say certain things... They will be a lie, but it'll be the best for my dad. I just want you to support me. I don't want you to mention anything of what the doctor said. I want you to follow me along; you don't even have to talk, but please, do not contradict me. Can you please do it? Just as a last favor, and I promise after that I'll disappear as you wish. But please, just tell me you can do this." He asked, his voice sounding a little supplicant.
You were looking at him frowning, but right in the moment Brian lift up his eyes and met yours, you looked down. What would he say? What kind of lies? And 'I'll disappear as you wish' wasn't something nice to hear. You wanted to refute it, but he begged you not to talk about it now. You wanted to support him and maybe this could be a way to show him that you did care about him; therefore, you pursed your lips and then sighed heavily, forcing a faint smile.
"Sure." You answered softly.
"Thanks." He replied, placing a hand on your shoulder to squeeze it softly and quickly.
You finally opened the door and entered the house. Everybody was in the living room, the boys, including George, were playing poker as the girls were listening to Mandy who apparently was showing them her new clothing designs. Nevertheless, when they noticed Brian and you entered the house, all of them stopped doing what they were doing to look at you two.
"Hi, everybody." Brian greeted cheerfully, so you looked at him astonished and frowned slightly. That was a sudden change of mood.
"Bro, it's so good to have you back! I missed my buddy to talk about football!" Joey exclaimed loudly and Brian giggled.
"Oh yeah, I heard Alabama Crimson Tide lost against Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Michigan Wolverines will totally win this." Brian commented amused.
"Fuck yeah, go Blue!" Darren exclaimed, throwing his fist up.
"Please, Columbia Lions will win." Chuck stated as Brian, Joey and Darren shot him a withering look.
"I agree with Chuck. Deal with it losers, Columbia Lions are the winners." Jen commented amused as Lucy and Jack nodded in agreement.
"I'm not into football, so I won't opine." Mandy commented, raising an eyebrow.
"Freckles, what do you think? Who's the winner?" Joey asked, as seeking support.
"Michigan Wolverines, duh!" You exclaimed loudly while winking.
"We're four against four. We have to tie. George? Who's the winner? The lame Michigan Wolverines or the amazing Columbia Lions?" Chuck asked.
"Dad, think about your answer pretty well... You know what the right answer is..." Brian pointed out, with an amused smirk.
"Shut up, Brian! You can't say a damn thing! Do not try to convince your dad!" Jen exclaimed and Brian laughed and threw his arms up.
"Being completely objective and ignoring my son's attempt to convince me..." George began to say mysteriously.
"Dad!" Brian exclaimed in disbelief.
"Shut up, Brian!" Chuck demanded with a giggle.
"Michigan Wolverines are the best." George finished with a wink.
"Hell yeah! Take that, losers! Bwah-hah-hah!" Joey exclaimed while laughing.
"Bah!" Chuck huffed in frustration. "We'll see about that."
Alright, that was funny. At least, now it seemed everyone was in a good mood, despite the little and innocent argument. And Brian, it seemed he was doing fine, but it could be just one of those 'lies' he mentioned outside. It was still early for lunch, so Brian joined the rest and sat on the couch, right next to his dad, wrapping an arm around him and grinning at him in a very merry way. No one questioned something about the diagnosis and it seemed no one wanted to start that conversation, not even Brian, especially Brian; he was clearly playing dumb. You respected that, so you didn't mention anything and, instead, you sat on other couch between Mandy and Chuck. You weren't an active participant of the current conversation and that was weird because they were talking about art in general and that was something you loved. You just weren't feeling like talking, so you remained glancing at Brian from time to time to see how joyful he seemed to be in that moment and how much he avoided your glares; he was still like ignoring you, naturally, you hurt him, you inflicted too much pain on him, it was like you caused him to stumble on his feet. Then you glanced at Mandy and remembered all she said the day before, before you fainted. She spoke nothing but the truth and you were aware of it; you knew you disappointed her, even if she apologized and said she didn't mean it, you knew you brought shame on her. You were wrong all along. And right when you fell all the way to the bottom, feeling lost and like a terrible person for all the things that only you caused; you felt like you landed on your own knife and it stabbed your heart, because how bad you were feeling in this precise moment was a consequence of what you did, not of what others did. And even if that knife that stabbed your heart didn't take your life, it helped you to learn who you were: a bad person. You weren't always like this, you didn't want to be like this, you wanted to be a good person and show people that you cared. The sound of a boisterous laughter made you blink and come back to reality. Everybody was laughing for a joke that apparently George made, and the boisterous laughter was Darren's laughter. You forced a smile to pretend that you had heard the joke and then you looked at Chuck.
"Chuck?" You whispered so nobody else listened.
"Yeah?" He asked softly, turning his head to look at you.
"Could I play your keyboard? I feel like singing something." You asked politely, in a whisper.
"Of course! I think that's a great idea!" He exclaimed with a wide smile. "Hold on, I'll bring it here."
He stood up and walked to his bedroom as you stayed silent, looking down with that forced smile, waiting for Chuck to arrive. The rest kept talking, now about politics, and it wasn't until Chuck entered the living room with his keyboard that they all shut up to look at him intrigued, confused and a bit amused. Chuck grinned brightly, placed the keyboard in a position everybody would be able to look, then glanced at you.
"Hey, bro. Feeling like singing something?" Darren asked amused.
"Actually... It's Freckles the one who requested me to bring the keyboard." Chuck answered as you felt the gazes of everybody at your direction, so that you felt a bit uncomfortable.
"Uh, yeah..." You babbled with a nervous chuckle, looking down and playing with your fingers.
"Don't tell me you can play the keyboard..." Darren commented, more like asked, curiously. You nodded, still looking at your lap. "Why have you never mentioned it? Since when?" He asked amazed.
"Last year. Well, I'm not so good, actually, that's why I haven't mentioned anything; but I can play some songs." You responded shyly, shrugging.
"Does this mean you're gonna sing for us? Because Jen and George told me you're an amazing singer and I've been wishing to listen to you ever since." Lucy said friendly and you grinned softly.
"In fact, I've been wishing to listen to you singing since you arrived, but I didn't want to force you. It'd be really nice to hear your voice." George commented gently and you smiled sweetly at him.
Your gaze, inevitably, turned to Brian. He was looking down, he was no longer smiling and laughing as minutes before, and he was just rubbing his knees. You had to look away in order not to feel bad again.
"So? Are you gonna sing for us?" February asked eagerly, grinning widely.
"Yes, uh, yes. I wanna sing something. I just feel like singing. So..." You answered with a faint smile.
You stood up and walked to the keyboard. Once there, you muttered thanks to Chuck and he winked before walking to the couch, next to Lucy and Mandy. You sat on a chair and pressed some random keys, trying to calm before singing. Weird, you were never nervous before singing; but you knew why you were feeling like that, it was because you'd really mean that song and you didn't know how the rest would take it and you didn't want to ruin anybody's mood. You couldn't look at anybody, but you really wanted to sing this song. Therefore, you started playing the keyboard as everybody looked at you curiously. And you began to sing, always looking at the keyboard.
Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed
You sang sadly, feeling the song in your soul, because this was exactly what you were feeling, and of course you were referring to you and what you did to Brian. Thus, for the first time, while still playing the keyboard, you looked at Brian straight in his green eyes. He was looking at you, very serious but not in a severe way. You took a deep breath and sang the chorus.
Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
You sang and your voice cracked a little when you looked at Brian profoundly distressed and feeling very remorseful. Brian, when he noticed everybody's gazes when they realized you were singing to him, looked down and pursed his lips. Then you looked at George and then at Mandy.
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Your voice, again, cracked. Mandy frowned slightly and parted her lips, a bit confused but sensing what this all was about. As for George, he totally figured out what you were doing, so he gave you a sad yet fond half-smile. You returned your gaze to Brian, who was again looking at you, biting his lower lip, his eyes reflecting despair.
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me
When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you'll fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life
You sang as your eyes filled with tears. However, you looked down, bit your lips, held your tears back and you kept playing the keyboard and singing. You had to finish the song. Once again, you fixed your gaze on Brian, looking at Mandy and George from time to time.
Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me
This time, your gaze fixed only on Brian, who was now looking deeply into your eyes with his green glossy and moist eyes.
But I want you to know that you'll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
You sang to him with brittle voice and tears in your eyes, yet with a warm and tender half-smile. Brian screwed his mouth, as trying to grin, but he couldn't get it, then looked down and pressed his lips, frowning slightly, apparently trying to make a big effort not to let escape any single tear. Then you looked at George and Mandy, with the same warm half-smile.
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you see, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me
You finished singing, looking at Brian even if he wasn't looking at you. You pressed the last keys of the keyboard to finally finish the song, looking down, lastly breaking into tears. You covered your face with your hands, excused yourself in front of everybody with choked voice, and quickly stood up to leave the living room and go to your bedroom. You lay in bed and cried, burying your face on the pillow. You couldn't help yourself, it was too hard to sing that song considering you were feeling every part of it. And you felt too exposed to even see their faces when you finished the song, so you did what you do best: run away. You kept weeping until you felt someone stroking your hair. You turned your face to see who it was and, as soon as you did it, you saw through your eyes full of tears a blurred image of a pair of compassionate eyes and a warm grin, a facial expression weird to see on her. You rested your head on her lap and wrapped your arms around her hips as she kept stroking your hair in a reassuring way.
"You've never brought shame on me, little sister." Mandy whispered softly before kissing your temple. "We all know that wasn't you when you said those things to Brian, we all know how you truly are. I've always been proud of you and your kindness, and so is George." She added, rubbing your back when you wailed. "And I'm pretty sure Brian got that you were trying to apologize to him when you sang. I'm sure he understands you and he understands that wasn't you. He knows you love him, only that he might be trying to process everything to talk to you and forgive you. Don't be sad, sis. We love you. I love you." She said as sweetly as never before.
She even seemed to be another person, a more sensible person. You raised your head, looked at her and threw your arms around her neck before kissing her cheek, as a way to show her your gratitude for all she said because, obviously, you weren't able to talk. When you parted, you wiped your tears away as she placed both of her hands on your cheeks and fondled them with her thumbs as she gave you one fond smile.
"What if we join everybody now? We're about to have lunch. And don't worry, I promise no one will make you feel uncomfortable and everything will be alright." She said and you nodded, giving her a thankful smile.
After that, you and Mandy headed to the dining room. Apparently Brian insisted to cook, so the rest were sitting at the table, chatting about random things. When you and Mandy sat at the table with the rest, they all looked at you and grinned in a warm way. As Mandy promised, nobody made you feel uncomfortable because they, right away, started chattering about random things again. You didn't take part of the conversation, but you were listening to them. Weird thing was that nobody mentioned about the diagnosis and medical appointment yet, not even George. After a while, Brian returned with Philly cheese steak and coleslaw for lunch and all of you looked at that meal with eyes wide open. You weren't sure if you could eat it because of the ulcer; well, maybe you'd just eat the coleslaw. You noticed that Brian, surreptitiously, glanced at you, but that was all he did.
"Where's my special meal?" George asked when Brian served the food.
"You no longer need it." Brian answered with a bright smile so everybody looked at him frowning in suspicion, including you. "Here, want some wine?" Brian asked joyful, pouring wine on his dad's glass as George frowned.
"Son, I'm not allowed to drink wine, you know that." George said firmly and Brian finally looked at his dad and he gave him a wide grin.
"You're allowed now, dad. I know this is your favorite wine." Brian said and finally sat at the table. "Won't you eat the cheese steak?" He asked while looking at you.
"Uh, it looks delicious, but I can't eat it." You answered and then you looked down.
"Are you on diet again?" He asked and you shrugged.
"Kind of." You responded, not wanting to elaborate. You sensed how everybody looked at you as saying 'we all know you are lying', but you couldn't tell Brian about your ulcer in this moment.
"Oh, okay." He answered almost indifferently and then he grinned merrily again. "I hope you enjoy the meal, guys."
Brian was the first who started eating as everyone was looking at him astonished and completely suspicious. It was evident everybody was wondering why Brian was doing this, why he was so cheerful and why he didn't follow the diet for his dad's health. George was the one who seemed to be most suspicious.
"Alright." George stated and all of you looked at him. He was looking intently into his son's eyes. Brian looked up and played dumb, sipping his drink. "Why are you saying I don't need my special meal and I'm allowed to drink wine? Because I'm the one who always complains about the diet, but you're always very careful about the meals, therapy and all that has to do with my health. Therefore, I assume I'm not the only one who thinks that what you're doing is extremely strange." His dad pointed out and then all of you looked at Brian. Brian smiled and left his glass at the table.
"Well, dad, it turns out that the diagnosis had a very positive result, to everyone's surprise." Brian commented and everybody looked at him curious, except you who looked at him frowning. What did he have in mind?
"Really?" George asked gingerly, narrowing his eyes, apparently a bit suspicious.
"Yes, really. The doctor said your health has highly improved due to the exhaustive therapy and surgeries performed." Brian answered very firmly, but his dad kept looking at him in that suspicious way, so he started elaborating. "He said he wasn't expecting this kind of result because your symptoms such as tremor, rigidity, bradykinesia, and postural instability, were getting worse to the naked eye. He honestly expected the same result you got in San Francisco, but he was surprised when he got the final diagnosis. It seems that the last deep brain stimulation, aided by therapy and medications, greatly helped manage some of your symptoms and subsequently improved your condition. Apparently your symptoms that seemed to be getting worse were just the side-effects induced by medications. But now, thanks to the successful surgery, you can decrease medications, except for the pain killers. Besides, you won't have to go regularly to therapy; you're allowed to modify your current diet, at least for the next two weeks; and you can start doing exercises and activities you weren't allowed to do before. Of course there's no cure for you disease, that's a fact; but you're not at risk; your life expectancy has increased and the doctor said, and I quote: Your father has a lot more years to live." Brian exclaimed with a peppy giggle, grinning brightly, looking at his dad. "How about that, daddy? You'll have to bear all of us for many more years."
Everybody seemed to be really happy for what Brian announced, even Brian's dad was happy. You'd have been just as happy as them if you hadn't accompanied Brian to the hospital and you hadn't heard what the doctor actually said. But you knew what the truth was and it was none of what Brian just said. Therefore, you were looking at him fixedly, frowning and narrowing your eyes with your lips parted and an astonished facial expression. That was such a big lie and he sounded so convincing, he even used the medical terminology, as if those words really came out from a doctor. And he was acting as if he really was peppy and happy; and you knew he was dying inside; but he made it seem so real that you also would have believed that lie. You looked away and raised an eyebrow, maybe a little disturbed by what Brian said and how he hid the truth. Was this the best for his dad as he mentioned? Suddenly, for no reason in particular, your gaze fixed on Jen. She was looking intently at you, frowning slightly; she was the only one besides you who wasn't smiling. She noticed. She knew Brian was lying and she confirmed it when she saw your facial expression, so you took your eyes off her.
"In all honesty, this is kind of hard for me to believe." George commented, still a little bit suspicious, but mainly feeling happy and relieved, as though he was livelier than ever, all of a sudden.
"Yes, believe me, it was hard for me to believe it too. But I'm truly glad it is like that, dad. I'm really happy to know I'll have you for many years." Brian responded, smiling kindly at his dad. There, everybody should notice his eyes! He was smiling, but his eyes were sad! Why nobody noticed it?
"Trust me, I'm so happy to know that too! But, jeez, it's too weird." Brian's dad voiced and then you felt how his pale blue eyes fixed on you. Oh, no. "Sweetie. What my son is saying is true?" He asked and your heart started beating really fast as you gulped in nervousness.
"Dad, please! Don't you trust me?" Brian asked quickly and a bit jittery because he knew you could totally screw it.
"Yes, I trust you, but I just want to hear it from her." George answered and he turned his gaze to you, grinning slightly. "Is that true, sweetie?"
Brian looked fixedly and intently into your eyes, as pleading you to follow him along with this lie. You drifted your gaze downwards and began to play with your fingers in complete nervousness and awkwardness. You were sensing all glares in your direction, and your heart was beating faster and faster. Damn, you hated being in this very uncomfortable and fraught situation. You bit your lips strongly and you started hesitating and wondering what you should answer now. Should you continue with Brian's lie? Should you tell the truth? Was the best for George to believe this lie? Were you able to lie to a person you considered as a father? Would you be as convincing as Brian was? Would you screw it up? Would Brian hate you if you dared to tell the truth? Would George feel disappointed in you if he happened to find the truth out? Shit, so many pros and cons. 'One last favor, please' Brian said earlier. But what was the point of this lie? Was it worth it? What did Brian have in mind? Why did he think this was the best for his dad? Snap! He was doing this because he wanted his dad to forget about his disease and enjoy all he couldn't enjoy because of his treatment; Brian just wanted to give his dad the best last days of his life. Brian just wanted to see his dad smiling and being happy; he wanted to forget about all the troubles and concerns that his dad's disease caused all these years to simply exploit their last days together. It was all to say 'goodbye' in the best possible way. And that was the reason why you were going to support Brian. Thereby, you took a deep breath, looked up and smiled softly.
"Yes, George. All that Brian said is true. You will live for many more years and you can do everything you couldn't do before." You said firmly, your voice, surprisingly, sounding very convincing. "And to celebrate, I think we all should do what you love most doing and you couldn't do before: Polo." You added with a wide smile.
"That would be... Stupendous." Brian's dad commented very thrilled, smiling as brightly as you've never seen before.
Seeing George as happy as now made you feel as though you made the right decision; he seemed to be truly relieved and lively. You glanced at Brian and you found him looking deeply into your eyes; as soon as he noticed you were looking at him, he grinned faintly and muttered 'thanks'. Then you glanced at Jen and she was also looking at you, but she was serious and she was still frowning as if she knew this was a lie.
"So, polo, eh? That's a very interesting sport; yet it seems to be very hard to play. However, I'm totally in. I always wanted to play polo." Chuck commented.
"You always wanted to play polo. Seriously?" Darren asked in a mocking way.
"Yeah, idiot." Chuck answered. "Anyway, we totally can do it, George."
"Yes, count me in. I'm a good polo player." Mandy commented with a wink.
"Oh, but I am the best polo player ever." Jack said in a boastful way.
"I doubt it." George challenged and you giggled. "I'm the best polo player; I started playing polo when I was only five years old. I even won medals and trophies. And my son takes after me, so he's the second best polo player."
"You, Brian... Can you play polo?" Joey asked amazed.
"Yeah." Brian answered with a timid grin, shrugging.
"One more thing to add to your 'Reasons why I'm in love with Brian Clerk' list, Richter?" Darren mocked and Joey nodded.
"Definitely, man." Joey answered with dreamy eyes, fluttering his eyelashes as you all laughed.
"Since when can you play polo and why you never told me?" Mandy asked curiously, also taking advantage to rebuke him.
"Since he was eight years old, when something bad happened to our family, it was a way to clear up our minds and spend more time together, right son?" George asked and Brian grinned sadly and nodded. You frowned and looked down; he was obviously referring to when Brian's mother abandoned him. "He probably didn't tell you because he knew you liked polo and polo wasn't his favorite sport. Is that right, son?" He asked and Brian nodded, looking down, still smiling faintly. "Oh! But we had such great moments and experiences when the two of us played together. The first time we played together, my son won me and I couldn't believe it. I felt really proud of you that time, son. Can you remember it?" He asked with a wide smile as everybody was looking at George very cheerfully and entertained. But Brian was just looking down and he was biting his lower lip. He nodded again, silently. Okay, that was a sudden change of mood. "It was really sad for me when the doctor told me I could no longer practice that sport. I always longed for the day I could play polo at least one more time with my son, but I never got the chance. So it's great news to know I'm allowed to play polo again; the best thing is I'll be able to play it with you not only once but for many more years, like the old good times, son." George said looking fondly at Brian who remained looking down and biting his lower lip, now also frowning slightly. After a while, Brian looked at his dad and smiled kindly.
"That's right, daddy. I'll win you again." He replied trying to joke; but it was evident, at least for you, that he was making a big effort to remain joyful and positive. Everybody laughed, except you and Jen. "Uh... I... Would you excuse me? I need to use the bathroom." He stated, avoiding any kind of eye contact.
He didn't even wait for a response; he just stood up and walked away. Before he left, you could see his deeply distressed and glossy eyes and you knew he didn't need to use the bathroom, he just needed to be alone because it was already being hard for him to hold back his tears and he definitely didn't want to cry in front of his dad and less after this huge lie. After that, George continued telling some of his experiences in a very merry way; at least Brian's plan to make him feel happy was working. The problem was Brian; he was not okay with all of this and it was hard for him to make it work the way he wanted. And it's been more than a half hour, you all have finished lunch, and Brian hasn't returned from the 'bathroom' yet. You were kind of worried.
"Excuse me, guys. I'll check if Brian needs something." You announced and everybody nodded.
You walked to your bedroom, right to where Brian went. You slowly opened the door, but Brian wasn't there. Maybe he was truly using the bathroom of the bedroom. You walked to the bathroom door, trying not to make any kind of noise. You placed your ear against the door to try to hear if any kind of sound came from there, but everything was just too quiet and silent. Maybe he wasn't there; maybe he just escaped from one window to take a walk to clear his mind or something. However, you needed to check if he was there; so, very quietly and cautiously, you opened the bathroom door. What you saw shocked and horrified you. Brian was sitting on the floor, resting his back against the wall. He was in his underwear, with a razor blade in hand. A pool of blood was around his left leg, caused by the cuts on his thigh. He was scarred from his knees to his hips, some of the cuts seemed to be healed, some of them were recent, all of them were deep and blood was just flowing down freely. He was currently cutting the side of his left thigh, pushing the blade a little harder. He didn't notice you were there. You started shivering and you looked down, feeling a deep heartache. Your best friend has been self-harming and you never noticed it; you wouldn't know by looking at him or even talking to him that he was someone who could do something like this. A tear rolled down your cheek and more came down until tears rolled down like a stream. Your eyes were blind with tears for him. Stung, you lifted your eyes to his and saw them as if for the first time. Tears shimmered there. Or maybe they were in your own eyes.
"Brian?" You tried to articulate with trembling and brittle voice.
Brian got startled, gasped, and looked abruptly at you with lips parted, his eyes reflecting horror at being caught. He closed his eyes, gulped and looked away, clenching his jaw and dropping the razor blade covered with blood. He didn't utter a single word; he sat there quiet, his arms now wrapped tightly around himself in a hug, hoping to comfort himself. His body gently rocked back and forth, his cheeks stained with the endless stream of tears from his glossy eyes, enduring the emotional pain that continued to engulf him. Tears had poured from his eyes without any change in his facial expression. You thought it's pure pain and pure surrender when your soul cries without any fight from your body and that's how you knew he was deeply affected. You wiped your tears away and took a deep breath before walking towards him. You grabbed rubbing alcohol and bandage. Without saying anything at all, you kneeled next to him, not minding to mess your jeans with the blood, and you softly placed one hand on Brian's left thigh. He flinched at the touch and he looked at you bewildered. Still silent, you put rubbing alcohol on his cuts and he shrank and let out a muffled moan because of the pain. Then, carefully, you put the bandage in every single one of his cuts as you noticed how he was looking deeply into your eyes, in a very sorrowful way.
"I never wanted you to see me. Please, don't judge me." You heard Brian saying in an ashamed and distressed way. You finally looked at him and you saw his teary jade green eyes.
"I won't judge you and it'd be incredibly unfair if I judged you, considering last year I'd have shot my temple with a gun if it hadn't been thanks to you." You answered in a gentle way, looking intensely into his eyes that were now looking at you in astonishment. "Yes, I did not forget that, Brian. I know how hard life can get and what decisions we make due to that fact. Therefore, I won't judge you." You whispered softly.
You slowly placed a hand on his cheek and started fondling it with your thumb in a kind way. His lips began to quiver as his green eyes filled with tears. And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off? Or pretending? He let them fall. You placed your hand on the back of his head and you softly pulled his head to your shoulder to finish in a warm and comforting embrace.
"There you go...let it all slide out." You whispered mildly in his ear while rubbing his back and stroking his hair as he was shedding silent tears that were hitting your shoulder. "Unhappiness can't stick in a person's soul when it's slick with tears. Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness." You whispered and kissed his temple as he wrapped one arm around your waist and buried his head on your shoulder.
He wept, and it felt as if the tears were cleansing him, as if his body needed to empty itself for tears are words the mouth can't say nor can the heart bare. It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign or action... and everything collapses. After several minutes of constant crying, after several minutes you comforted him in utter silence, Brian got to calm down and you took him to the bed. Both of you were now in bed, you sitting and leaning against headboard, he resting his head on your chest with his sad gaze lost and you holding him tightly. You were still astonished for what you recently found about your best friend; but you were mainly distressed and remorseful because you weren't able to detect that he was really suffering in silence and secret and this led him to self-harm. You leaned, kissed the top of his head and rested your head on his. You wanted him to feel what you felt when you were with him: that incredible combination of comfort, decadence, and wonder.
"Since when do you do this?" You asked in a whisper while brushing your chin on the top of his head. Brian remained silent for a long time, but you didn't want to insist and make him feel bad.
"Since I was twelve, when my mother died." He finally answered and you closed your eyes when you felt a chill. Since he was twelve? That meant he's been doing this for eight years now. You gulped and held back your tears. "No one ever found it out, I've always been very cautious; not even my dad noticed about this. But I stopped, though, when we started being friends." He added with choked and hoarse voice.
"And when you started doing it again? And don't tell me it was from today, because I can see some recent scars." You requested in a gentle way, rubbing his arms that you were holding.
"The day you found out I'm in love with you." He responded in a whisper, his eyes getting glossy again. You bit your lips and felt the lump in your throat, feeling very remorseful again. You didn't know what you did that day could have hurt him too much to the point to make him start doing this again.
"Why? Why this way? Why self-harming?" You asked, your voice sounding guttural. Brian took a long time to answer and you gave him all the time he needed.
"It feels good." He responded, his throaty voice echoing in the silent room. You closed your eyes and pursed your lips for hearing this answer. "It is as a way of coping or distracting myself from difficult experiences; it's like a strategy to manage emotions. When I cut, I feel like I'm letting those emotions escape from me, it calms me down a lot. It's like this allows me to temporarily disconnect from the emotional pain and achieve a sense of relief and mastery. Also, these scars are like a physical reminder, because whenever I see them, I know why I'm hurting." He added as you were listening to him intently, trying to understand what he was saying and how he was feeling and, somehow, comparing it to what you went through last year when you decided to attempt committing suicide. "It doesn't really hurt more than what is going on in my life; it's just a different kind of pain. Because there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. It actually kind of distracts me from what's really going on; even if I'm aware that one thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside. When you're doing it, you don't really know what you're doing, you're kind of in another world." He whispered, his voice sounding croaky, his sad green eyes still staring blankly at some random point. "Please, don't tell anybody about this. I don't want anybody to know what I'm doing." He whispered in a supplicant way, apparently feeling ashamed of himself.
"I won't tell anyone." You assured while stroking his arms. "Are you that sad, Brian?" You asked and your voice cracked a little.
"No, I'm not sad; I'm just like dead inside." He answered very slowly, his voice sounding dead, as you frowned and shut your eyes, feeling the tears forming and prickling in the corner of your eyes again. "Like nothing can have any impact on me. Like every breath of borrowed time is heavy in my chest. It's like the world had gone flat. And I just… I just want to die." He finished in a whisper, yet his voice echoed with the last sentence as you flinched and gasped.
You tilted your head and leaned to try to look into his eyes; it was hard at first but then you got his attention and his green eyes, instead of staring blankly at some random spot, fixed on yours and they denoted a hint of shame and grief. You held him tighter and remained looking intensely into his eyes for a while, trying hard to hold back your tears.
"Please, don't say you wanna die." You whispered and your voice cracked, so you cleared your throat. "Talk to me. Tell me what you feel. Help me understand you. Let me help you as you helped me when I tried to commit suicide. Please, Brian." You begged kind of exasperated, without taking your eyes off his.
Brian's eyes looked at yours deeply afflicted and then they drifted downward. He remained silent for a long time, opening and closing his mouth, mumbling as though he was trying to answer, but he didn't know how. Then he closed his eyes and sighed.
"I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm a mess." He finally responded hoarsely, now opening his eyes again but avoiding your gaze, frowning slightly and pursing his lips. "I mean… What do I know of life, I who have lived so carefully? Who have neither won nor lost, but just let life happen to him? Who had the usual ambitions and settled all too quickly for them not being realized? Who avoided being hurt and called it a capacity for survival? Who paid his bills, stayed on good terms with everyone as far as possible, for whom ecstasy and despair soon became just words once read in novels? One whose self-rebukes never really inflicted pain? Well, there is all this to reflect upon, while I endure a special kind of remorse: a hurt inflicted at long last on one who always thought he knew how to avoid being hurt, and inflicted for precisely that reason." He said distressed, looking down. "Then comes a time when you realize that nothing is forever, and you try to stay cold and not get attached to anyone, just to avoid the pain of another loss. I never felt it. I didn't feel the moment solitude invaded me, the moment I lost in myself, the moment I walked away from everything. I didn't notice I was changing, that I was gradually isolating myself from what I used to be. Simply one day, I lay in my bed and I felt alone." He added, still with his sad look like lost. "And I'm not one of those people who are so strong and solid, who forget when days go by, who look smiling their future when weeks go by, who shine again when months go by. I'm the opposite: awkward, fragile and stubborn. When I stumble, I fall and stay on the ground. I get up as slow as a snail, slow and carrying something huge and heavy upon my shoulders, walking in all directions, always forward, not knowing sometimes where, but I walk. I'm lost." He whispered in a gloomy way as he sighed heavily and his eyes turned teary again.
He didn't say anything more, so you assumed that was all he was gonna say. You didn't say anything at all, you were trying to find the right words to tell him; so you remained stroking his hair as he was just resting his head on your chest, looking down. When you were ready to talk, you first kissed his temple and then you rested your head on his.
"We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes, we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes, we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes, we find our own way out. But regardless, we are always found." You whispered in a very soft and sweet way while brushing your cheek on his head. He was extremely silent, but you knew he was listening to you, so you continued. "Any pain you are going through right now...it will end. Take a deep breath. Think of that one bright, happy thing in your life and smile. Live another day. It's worth it. That's what life is about. Those moments when you feel entirely carefree, like nothing can touch you. It's those moments that make the hard parts so worth it. It's moments like that that make this heartache bearable. I know it'll pass, your moments will come. I've been there, so I know it." You assured while running your fingers through his arm. This time you realized he was listening because as soon as you finished saying the last sentence, he breathed out. "And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. We need someone to remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you. And I'd like to be that someone for you, as you were for me." You said and your voice, inevitably, cracked as few silent and slow tears raced down your cheeks to hit Brian's head. "I want you to look into my eyes." You requested gently. Then you moved a little and placed both of your hands on Brian's cheeks to make him look at you. His teary jade green eyes met yours and you looked deeply at them. "You said the eyes never lie, so I want you to look at mine because there's something I want to tell you and I want you to know that I'm telling the truth." You whispered, never taking your eyes off his. "I know you don't believe you'll get through this, but I'm going to believe for you, and in you, until you can turn this around. You're not alone in this, all you're going through right now? We can ride it out together and when all this is over, I'll still be here. When your world falls apart, just come to mine. All of this because you are important to me, so I'm not going to leave you, I'm not going anywhere because I love you, Brian." You whispered, looking deeply and fondly into his eyes while caressing his cheeks with your thumbs.
Brian's eyes filled with tears and his lips started quivering before he dropped and buried his head on your chest, snuggling up to you and enfolding his bulky arms around your waist. And Brian started to cry. It came with no sound, no shuddering, no childlike hysterics, just a soul-deep release that turned into moisture and dripped down his puffy pink cheeks. You clasped him in your arms and rested your chin on the top of his head, trying to comfort him. After a while, he touched his tears, frowning. Then he looked up at you and whimpered two words before he fell asleep, curled up in a ball and cuddled up with you.
"Real hurts."
You remained observing him sleep, with his eyes puffy, dry tears that made tracks down his face and with his thick lashes stuck together in clumps. Now you allowed yourself to dissolve into a puddle of silent tears, releasing the sadness and sorrow that has been held inside of you since you found Brian cutting himself. Then, you moved your mouth to his ear and sang him a song, with brittle and wobbly voice, like a lullaby, only that it wasn't actually a lullaby.
For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right
To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.
And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.
And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.
You smiled fondly at him and you kissed his temple. When you did this, you noticed a very faint, almost imperceptible, smile on his sad face.
"Hey, what's up, Jenny? You look concerned." I asked after I finished doing the dishes.
Jen was alone, sitting on the couch of the living room, deep in thought, serious face, eyes pointing downwards, eyebrows slightly frowned and lips pursed. Everybody else was getting ready to go out to do what George wanted as a way to celebrate. I sat next to Jen and I looked at her curiously.
"Jenny?" I asked again and she finally looked at me, raising eyebrows.
"Yeah?" She asked as though she didn't hear what I asked.
"I asked you what the matter is, because you look concerned." I repeated.
"I don't know." She sighed and I frowned in suspicion.
"Is this related to your boyfriend?" I asked.
"Partly." She shrugged.
"Alright, listen, everybody is getting ready right now and they'll take a time, so you can tell me what's happening, Jenny." I said gently, looking deeply into her eyes. She sighed again and looked down.
"Well, it's just that... You know, since you talked to me about Jack that day... It's like, I don't know, everything feels different." Jen answered in a whisper.
"Different in a good or bad way?" I asked, as trying to help her to spit it out.
"In a bad way." She responded and I bit my lips and nodded. "There are things about him that before I didn't mind and now I kinda hate, things that annoy me. It's like I'm not enjoying our relationship, like most the time I'm annoyed or uninterested. And it's bad to feel this way, because lately he's being more affectionate than ever, he does nice things for me and he says some sweet things; but I just... I don't know, I feel weird." Jen explained as I was trying to understand her.
"Have you talked to him about this?" I questioned gently and Jen shook her head in response. "Maybe you should talk to him. You should explain him how you feel because maybe he has no idea about this." I suggested and she just nodded, looking away. "But Jen, what's what you want to do?" I asked and she shrugged. "You don't know or you're scared of doing what you want to do?"
"Both." She responded and I frowned in confusion. "I don't know what I want to do, some days I really but really want to be with him because I love him; but some days I just wish I could be single and find someone who can make me feel more... complete and wanted. But, also, I feel scared of making the wrong choice; I'm scared of feeling unhappy if I decide to stay with him, but I'm scared of suffering and regretting if I decide to break up with him." She explained and I nodded.
"Yeah, I totally get it, Jenny. If I could give you a piece of advice, it'd be to talk to him. Tell him all the things you like and dislike about him and your relationship and let him do the same. The best option, as I see it, is if you two decide together whether you want to be together or not, whether your relationship has too many good things to fight for it and make it be worth it. But it's something you have to decide together. And don't be scared of talking, maybe he wants to do the same but he doesn't know how; it happens." I suggested in a gentle way as Jen looked at me and smiled faintly.
"Yes, maybe you're right, Darren." She responded as I grinned and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.
"Yes, silly. I believe that, regardless what decision you two make, it'll be the best and you'll be happy." I said and she giggled and then looked down again. "But there's something else, right?"
"Yes, but this time it has nothing to do with Jack." Jen confessed and I nodded; I thought she was gonna say something, but she remained silent.
"And you want to talk about it?" I asked, looking curiously into her eyes.
"It's about Freckles and Brian." Jen whispered, moving closer to me, apparently to keep it as a secret and so that nobody could hear.
"You think Freckles is a bitch for what she said to Brian, don't you?" I asked with a heavy sigh. Jen looked at me confused and frowned.
"Of course not. I never thought Freckles was a bitch; yes, I thought she said very rude and cruel things, but I never thought she really meant them. And, as everybody else, now I know it was all as consequence for the ulcer. No one thinks Freckles is a bitch, we just think she made a mistake. But it's not about it." Jen responded and I nodded, perhaps a bit relieved to know that.
"Then, what's up with Brian and Freckles? It seems to me they're fine now." I said while shrugging.
"Don't tell me you also believed that lie, Darren! You know them! You really believed that?" Jen asked in disbelief, frowning and looking deeply into my eyes.
"If I believed what, Jen?" I asked completely confused.
"That Freckles and Brian are cool now, that Brian is completely fine, and, above all, that George's diagnosis went well. Don't tell me you believed their lies." Jen questioned, looking fixedly at me with that particular look.
"Why do you say they were lying? Everything seemed too honest. And come on, Jen, they wouldn't lie about something like that." I exclaimed while letting out a short chuckle because of my incredulity. But Jen did not laugh, she remained looking at me very serious, now raising an eyebrow. So I began to hesitate. "Really? Do you really think they're capable of lying about it?" I asked unsure, frowning slightly. It was kind of hard to believe that they could have lied about it, especially about George's health condition.
"Yes, Darren, they lied and they lied so well that everybody, including George who is hard to fool, believed it all." Jen pointed out, as though she was 100 percent sure of what she was stating.
"And how come you weren't fooled as us?" I asked, frowning in suspicion. Was she treating me as if I were an idiot? No; but I just couldn't accept what Jen was saying.
"Because I have a good eye. I noticed each one of their gestures while talking; they were almost indiscernible, but I noticed them; besides, I studied psychology, remember?" She asked and I shrugged and nodded. I honestly couldn't see the reasons why she was so sure that Brian and Freckles lied; it wasn't like that for me. "Alright, let's start with that lie of Brian and Freckles being cool now. When they arrived, Brian and Freckles ignored each other in the conversation about football. Yes, they were having the same conversation; but in other occasions, Brian and Freckles used to interact directly, unlike in that conversation. They didn't even look at each other, as though they were doing as far as possible to avoid eye contact and before sitting at the table to have lunch, Freckles glanced at Brian in a sad way. And it's needless to mention about the song. That song was for Brian and this only means that Freckles is still feeling remorseful and Brian is still hurt, they haven't talked, therefore, they're not cool now." Jen pointed out, narrowing her eyes as if she was analyzing the situation. What was she? A frustrated Sherlock Holmes? Man, she was exaggerating; what she said seemed almost absurd.
"Jen, I think you're overstating things. Maybe it was just coincidence, I don't know." I replied with a heavy sigh, looking away.
"No, it was not coincidence, Darren." Jen assured a little bit annoyed, so I just rolled my eyes. Why did she want to find an explanation for everything that maybe it wasn't as she was thinking? Maybe she couldn't accept the fact that finally there was good news. "Then, we have this thing that George's diagnosis, apparently, went good. That was the biggest lie ever, and I can't believe George believed it! Yes, Brian sounded absolutely convincing; he talked with a superb terminology that only doctors use, that's why everybody believed it. But let's do not forget that Brian's been dealing with his dad's disease for too many years, so he knows the medical terminology." Jen pointed out and I frowned and huffed. Seriously, she was overstating everything; though I had to admit she was right at some point. Brian knew perfectly the medical terminology, so he could have fooled us. No, but that was ridiculous and insane. "And when he was explaining this, I noticed Freckles was looking at Brian confused and incredulous, as if she couldn't believe he was saying that. George is not getting better, he's getting worse, Darren. You can see it at naked eye, and it's not because of the side-effects induced by medications, the meds he takes don't have those side-effects." Jen assured and I believed what she said, because I knew she always read the prescription label of George's meds. "George suspected Brian was lying, so he asked Freckles if what his son was saying was true; in that moment Brian looked at Freckles in a pleading way and Freckles felt extremely uncomfortable; it lasted a second, less or more, but I noticed it. And Freckles lied too and Brian looked at her in a thankful way." Jen explained and I frowned, trying to remember that moment and how their faces looked; but I couldn't remember because I just paid attention to what they were saying and not what faces they were making. "Right after that, George started talking about his past experiences with his son and he mentioned something like now he would be able to do those things with his son for many more years; and that was exactly the time Brian went away with the excuse he needed to use the bathroom, but it was because he couldn't stand being there anymore because it was hurting him." She stated and I frowned and sighed. Alright, she was assuming too much. Maybe it was not like that. She just pictured a whole story that maybe wasn't even close to reality. "Half an hour passed and he didn't return, so Freckles, suspecting Brian wasn't doing fine and wanting to comfort him, announced she was gonna check if Brian needed something. Now it's been two hours and they haven't left the 'bathroom' yet. And you still think this wasn't a lie?" Jen asked with modulated and orotund voice, looking fixedly at me.
I just mumbled, raising my eyebrows, looking down and slightly shaking my head. Shit, she got me. Now I was also suspecting a little. She was right; it was weird that they haven't returned from the 'bathroom' yet. What if this all was a big damn lie and they indeed fooled all of us?
"Whoa, Jen. That's... That's something... I just don't think they're capable of lying that way. They are not capable of saying George is fine if he's certainly anything but. It would be... cruel." I said while frowning and pursing my lips. The idea of them lying that way made me feel a chill. They wouldn't be that cruel, no way; neither of them were that kind of people.
"No, Darren. Don't you get it?" Jen questioned, raising an eyebrow and I just looked at her like 'I don't get what exactly?' So she sighed and continued talking. "They're lying and saying George is fine because they want him to feel happy and they want him to have the best days of his life without worrying about the disease before he passes away. It's not because they're cruel, but because they are trying to do the best for George in the face of the inevitable fact that is that George will soon pass away." She explained and I dropped my jaw.
Now, that really made sense. It was crazy, but everything, absolutely all of Jen's suspicions and assumptions, were starting to make sense. What is more, I realized that the most logical was that they indeed lied. I've been fooled.
"That is... Whoa, Jen. If what you're saying is true... it's just... Man, it must be hard for them." I stated kind of disturbed, now looking down and frowning. I definitely wouldn't like to be in their shoes.
"Yes, I think the same." Jen whispered sadly, also looking down. She remained silent for a while, then she looked at me again, this time in a distressed way. "Thing is I think this is not the best they can do. I mean, I strongly think this lie is positive for George; but it's not positive for Brian." She stated and I nodded, agreeing with her. If I were Brian, I probably wouldn't have done it. "He will pretend he's fine when he's clearly anything but; and he won't tell anybody because he surely thinks we could tell his dad that everything is a lie. The only person who knows and who's able to comfort him and help him endure this situation is Freckles; but Brian and Freckles are distant and they won't be friends again any soon because Brian is deeply hurt and Freckles is feeling way too remorseful to do something." She whispered as though she was truly sorrowful and I bit my lips. Holy shit, she was totally right about that. This was harder and more complicated than what I thought. "All in all, I'm afraid Brian can... you know, break and... you know, what we talked days ago, that he can harm himself because the pent-up pain is too much and he cannot talk to anybody about this."
"I... Jen, I don't know if Brian can really self-harm. He's not that kind of guy..." I started saying, frowning and shaking my head. Truth was that idea disturbed me. "I mean, yeah, he's going through real shit, I won't deny it, and he's too reserved; but he's strong... I hardly think he can do something like that." I stated firmly, but it was more as a way to convince myself it was like that, even if I wasn't sure.
"Uh, I think the opposite. Remember I studied psychology?" Jen replied right away as I huffed.
"Yes, Jen, I know. But maybe you're wrong this time. It's not like you finished the career or something." I pointed out, raising an eyebrow, maybe in a little harsh way, trying to find a sort of excuse not to admit that she was probably right.
"I'm aware of it, but I've always been interested in it, so I know more things than you can imagine." She answered, kind of irked because of my harsh response. "Whatever, my point is... I'm Brian's copy editor and sponsoring editor, so I read his book. And in his book there are certain paragraphs and sentences that may indicate an attempt of self-harming. I mean, there's nothing explicit, but if you pay attention at certain metaphors he uses, you can tell he once tried or thought about self-harming." Jen explained and I clenched my jaw, still looking down. I forgot about his book and the fact that Jen read it and she knew how to interpret things. Dammit, man. "That's why I'm too afraid, Darren. He pretends he is strong, but he's not." She whispered afflicted and troubled. Therefore, I looked at her and smiled faintly.
"Then we should help him and not let it happen." I suggested and Jen looked down and bit her lower lip.
"Yeah, but we cannot do that. He won't allow us help him and he won't tell us anything at all. He'll say he's fine and things like those to make us stop insisting. And he'll get it, because when it comes to hide his feelings, he always wins." She answered and I had to agree with her. She had a point.
"Well... Uh, in that case... We should talk to Freckles." I proposed, trying to think about a good idea. Jen frowned as though she was considering this, so I took advantage of it to elaborate. "We should tell her our concern and ask her to help him. Brian will listen to Freckles and he'll let her help him. Let's do not forget that Freckles might be the only one who is capable of making Brian do whatever she wants." I stated, sounding very convincing.
"Yes, maybe the way would be if we help Brian and Freckles be friends again." Jen whispered deep in thought.
"Yes, exactly. You could talk to Brian about Freckles. I know Brian will listen to you, I mean, after the conversation you two had days ago, it seems he kinda trusts you." I suggested, now trying to sound positive and trying to encourage Jen to do it, considering she was good when it came to talk to people about these kinds of things as I sucked too much.
"Yeah... Yes, maybe we can do that. I could tell Brian about Freckles' ulcer and how that was the reason why she acted that way that night, that she didn't mean what she said; I'm pretty sure Brian still doesn't know about Freckles' ulcer, I mean, judging by what he asked her at lunch." She said out loud, even if her facial expression was as if she was deliberating with herself about this possibility.
"It sounds like a plan." I said quickly before she could regret this sort of plan. She just nodded as though she was determined to do this, which made me grin softly.
In that moment, our conversation was interrupted because Chuck, Lucy, George, Mandy and Joey entered the living room, already ready to go out. Of course Jen and I played dumb because we didn't want to tell anybody about this. Minutes later, Jack joined them and Jen walked towards him to talk about random things. I still didn't like that guy. I was just waiting for February to come out the bedroom. I waited for a while until I saw her coming. I stood up with a huge grin and I walked to her while looking at her from head to toe. When I was close enough, I placed both hands on her waist and pulled her close to me to kiss her soft lips.
"You look completely flawless, gorgeous." I whispered seductively in front of her lips as she giggled softly.
"Thank you, baby. You look very handsome." She winked and I kissed her again.
"You know? I was thinking that maybe later, after doing what George wants, we can go together at some bar to spend more time alone." I suggested while looking into her eyes with a sweet grin and twiddling a strand of her hair. "We're in NYC and I like to experience things with friends, but I also want to experience things only with my girlfriend." I added and I saw how her face lit up with her beautiful and genuine smile.
"I like your idea. Maybe we could also attend a Broadway show. I think both of us will enjoy it." She suggested and I adored that idea.
"What about this? Tonight we go to a bar to dance and drink something and tomorrow we attend a Broadway show. That way we'll have more excuses to spend more nights together, just you and me." I proposed while winking and she chuckled.
"Yes, that sounds much better." She responded and pecked my lips.
"And... I also think we could do random things. Like, for instance, I see you here just talking and, all of a sudden, I take your hand and I force you to go out, nowhere in particular. We walk and then we do whatever pops in our minds in that moment. That would be fun to do with you." I said with an amused smirk.
"Well, okay... Just try not to do it when I'm in my pajamas or when I'm having a shower, otherwise I'll take your hand and I'll force you to turn around to kick your ass, baby." She joked while biting her lower lip with a mischievous smirk, so I laughed out loud. Then I moved closer to her to speak in an undertone, looking seductively into her eyes.
"What if...?" I started asking in front of her lips in a naughty way. "What if I force you to do so when you're still sleeping naked next to me?"
"I'll kill you, baby." She responded in a whisper, but then she smirked mischievously. "But really, would you waste your time forcing me to do so instead of doing other more interesting and exciting things?" She asked naughtily and I couldn't help staring her luscious lips while she was saying every single word. Damn, she knew how to play this.
"Maybe we can do those interesting and exciting things before going out, naked. And that will be winning the prize." I replied with a seductive wink.
"You're not taking full advantage of this, baby; I'm a bit disappointed. So, what about we do those interesting and exciting things while we're out, naked? Wouldn't it be more rewarding?" She asked sensually and I parted my lips and smirked while looking into her lustful blue eyes.
"You have no idea how much I love you." I finally responded before giving her a smacker in between her giggles.
"Alright, you two, cloying cupcakes... Are you ready to go out or will you stay here having wild sex?" Joey asked us in a joking way.
Everybody looked at him stunned. How would he say that in front of George? Wasn't it kind of inappropriate? But George chuckled and even continued Joey's joke, so everybody started laughing out loud, including February and me.
"Well, we have to wait for Freckles and Brian, right?" February asked.
"Yes, I'll check if they're ready." George proposed.
"No!" Jen suddenly exclaimed exasperatedly, so that everybody looked at her frowning in confusion. "I... I'll go. I have to give Freckles a book, so I'll do it." She added as trying to fix what she said, evidently noticing she said it in a way that could make them suspect that something bad was going on.
It wasn't necessary to move and ask Freckles and Brian if they were ready, because Freckles suddenly popped in the room. All of us looked at her abruptly and completely silent, so Freckles frowned slightly. For what I could see, she forgot we were going to go out or she wasn't planning to go.
"Sweetie, we were about to ask you and my son if you're ready to go." George was the first to talk. Freckles parted her lips and raised her eyebrows.
"Oh." Freckles exclaimed and then she forced a smile. Now I was paying more attention to her gestures, so maybe I could notice what Jen said. And it seemed Jen was right, her eyes looked really sad, even if she was now smiling brightly. "Brian is sleeping." She said and everybody narrowed their eyes. "Yes, I know the plan was going out. But Brian is feeling sick; when I went to check if he needed something, I saw he was throwing up and having stomach cramps. Apparently he ate something for breakfast that made him feel this sick. So right now he's taking a nap and I think he ought rest for the rest of the day to get better." Freckles explained while looking away and at the end of the sentence she clenched her jaw and played with her fingers.
She was totally lying; yet what she said sounded convincing and it made sense. Jen was right, Freckles and Brian were lying and it was too obvious but at the same time too convincing, so that nobody could notice it. I noticed how Jen glanced at me in a way 'Did you notice that was a lie?', so I nodded to let her know I noticed it.
"Hmm. Yes, the best will be if he rests. I told him not to have breakfast in a place he doesn't know, but he's too stubborn sometimes." George replied while frowning slightly. He believed what Freckles said. Unbelievable! "But you'll come, right, sweetie?" He asked while looking at Freckles who looked down and babbled incoherent things.
"Uh, I was thinking that maybe I should rest too. You know, I have this ulcer and I don't feel completely fine to go out and do a lot of things that require lots of energy. Besides, if Brian wakes up, it'd be nice if someone is here; just in case he starts feeling sick again or if he needs help or someone to go buy some meds or something." Freckles responded while shrugging, again forcing a smile.
"You have a point. Well, maybe we could leave these plans of going out for another day and we could just stay here, doing something else." George suggested and Freckles widened her eyes and shook her head. It was quite evident she was desperate for everybody to leave the house.
"George, please, don't do that. I'm pretty sure everybody is too excited to go out. Maybe, if you want, we can hang out together another day, when Brian and I feel better; but, please, don't miss the fun because we can't go today." Freckles replied in a very persuasive way.
"I don't know. I'd like to stay with my son if he feels sick. But you guys can go out without me." George said while looking at us and I noticed how Freckles looked down and bit her lips in frustration and nervousness.
"George, I think Freckles is right." Jen suddenly said and I looked at her like 'what the hell?'. "You should celebrate the good news and you should have fun. Maybe tomorrow, when they feel better, we can do something else. Remember we can now have fun every day and not just in some especial occasions." Jen pointed out just as persuasive as Freckles. "Besides, I think Freckles will take care of your son pretty well. Isn't it what she's been doing since they're friends?" She asked with a sweet grin as Freckles looked at Jen and smiled faintly, apparently moved by her words.
"Yes, that's right. I know you'll take care of my son, sweetie." George responded while looking at Freckles with a kind grin as Freckles smiled back. "Well, but if you need something, if my son or you feel sick again, if something happens, just promise you'll call me." He requested gently and Freckles nodded as a response. "Well, then... We should go. Just, call me, sweetie."
"Will do, George. Now, please, have fun. You deserve it." Freckles answered with a warm smile as she hugged Brian's dad.
Right after that, except Brian and Freckles of course, left the house. I was wondering why they wouldn't go; there was something that didn't make sense. If Brian was lying to give his dad his best last days, then he wouldn't pretend he was feeling sick not to go out with his dad. Then, if Brian and Freckles weren't cool and they were distant, then Freckles wouldn't stay alone with Brian. They were lying, that was a fact, but not everything made sense. When we were walking and when February got distracted to talk to Jack about one place she saw, I slowly walked towards Jen to whisper something in her ear.
"Jen, why did you support Freckles' lie?" I asked curiously.
"Because I think Freckles and Brian need time alone to talk about what happened. Maybe this will help them to be friends again as we planned." Jen responded in a whisper. I hesitated and then I nodded in agreement.
"Yes, hopefully they will talk and forgive each other instead of arguing and killing each other." I sighed heavily.
"I think they will be fine. Hopefully." She doubted.
"Well, if it doesn't work, we'll think about something else. But, Jen, we've always been a team and we know how to manage certain things. I think we can help them, we just have to think about it." I replied, trying to sound positive. Jen looked at me and grinned joyfully.
"You're right, Darren. I adore your always firm positivism." Jen stated before kissing my cheek.
"I learned it from you, Jenny." I winked and she chuckled and shook her head. Then I heard February's laugh and I glanced at her to see how flawless she looked. "Now, if you excuse me, I'll walk with my beautiful girlfriend."
"Oh yeah, go ahead." Jen giggled.
Jen walked towards Jack and I walked towards February to link my arm with hers and kiss her lips. She looked at me, frowned slightly and grinned amused.
"So, I was just wondering if I could walk next to such gorgeous person." I commented and February giggled. Ah, I loved her laugh.
"Always." She responded.
"Forever and ever?" I asked.
"Forever and ever." She answered and I kissed her right away.
We really needed time to spend alone, so I was glad we would get it tonight.
When everybody left, you returned to the bedroom to check if Brian was still asleep or if he was awake. You saw him in the bed, curled up in a ball and hugging the pillow, sound asleep. You, slowly and carefully not to make any sound, sat in bed to take off your shoes and put on your slippers, you grabbed the teddy bunny he gave you, and then you kissed Brian's temple before walking out the bedroom to let him rest. You went to the kitchen to make a tea and then you headed to the living room to lie down in the couch, leaving the tea cup on the coffee table and hugging the teddy bunny, staring the ceiling. Everybody believed what you said minutes earlier, but you weren't sure if you could keep lying this way. Yes, sure you wanted to support Brian, but maybe this wasn't the way; it felt bad to lie that way. Anyway, you thought that Jen was suspecting something, especially when she tried to help you with George. You sighed slowly and heavily and left the teddy bunny next to you to grab your cup of tea and Brian's book that Jen gave you before they left. You sipped the tea and you looked at Brian's book for a while. You wanted to read his book, you were really intrigued to know what was written in it because Brian mentioned it was inspired by you and because this was a big deal for Brian. Maybe, if you were fast enough, you'd be able to read the whole book before Brian wakes up; but no, that was kind of impossible because it was a long book. Well, you could start reading it. You took a look of the cover, it was simple and sober and it was entitled like this:
HIDING MY HEART AWAY
By Brian T. Clerk.
'Hiding my heart away'. That was an interesting name for a book. What kind of story would it be for it to have that name? You turned the book around and saw the back of the cover. There was a little text.
Throughout our lives, filled with love and happiness and tragedy, we all have a story to tell. So this is how my story went: I met someone by accident that blew me away. It was in the darkest of my days, when she took my sorrow and she took my pain and buried them away. And I wish I could lay down beside her when the day is done and wake up to her face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, I'm sure she'll go one day; so I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away. How do I move forward from deepest despair? - The choice is yours - someone told me. Now, what choice do I make?
When you finished reading, you frowned slightly. Was it a love story? Or was it a story about life in general? It sounded a bit tragic, though. Well, now you really wanted to read the book. So you grabbed the book firmly and you took time to read every single page slowly. You first saw the free endpaper and then read the Copyright page.
Hiding my heart away
Written and published by Brian T. Clerk
Copyright © 2006 by Brian T. Clerk
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America.
The following is a work of fiction. All people, places, and events are purely products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.
Sponsoring Editor: Jennifer A. Nedeau
Copy editor: Jennifer A. Nedeau
Cover Design: Brian T. Clerk
Text Design: Brian T. Clerk
First printing, December, 2006.
Alright, Jen was indeed the copy editor and the sponsoring editor as Brian mentioned; that was why she knew everything about the book and maybe all that Brian told you that night was true. In that time you couldn't understand that he indeed needed someone else to publish a book. You went to the next page and you saw the dedication page.
To my very best friend who inspired and encouraged this book. Let the sun warm you, the way it did while you sat on the rooftop, watching the sun create violet silhouettes against the buildings that skim the sky.
When you read it, you smiled softly and you felt something in your chest, like only those words made you feel touched. Brian officially dedicated this book to you, and only you. And you just treated him like crap, you said terrible things about his writing and you basically rejected and despised his book; so that made you feel a bit sad. You've undervalued his great effort of writing and publishing this book, his work, his dream; and he dedicated it to you instead. It was unfair. You went to the next page.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
It is a pleasure to present this book to you. My great hope is that Hiding My Heart Away will both entertain and challenge you. I hope you will learn as much as I did during the months of research it took to write this book.
The story is inspired on a true event and the ending of the story is my own invention. The events of the story can be put down to the influence of my own experiences about everyday challenges – finding the balance between family, friends, lovers – and how the past and future render and determine our present, leading us to make certain choices which can produce an unexpected and complete turnaround, leaving us at a crossroad in our lives.
This way is not difficult to put into operation for it to create a new world. It is fun and rewarding, beyond belief, and has benefits that even the author, hasn't or couldn't visualize. However, it's not the events that fascinate me so much; it's the people. That's all history is. History is the story of people's lives. History reflects the consequences of their choice and action, both good and bad. History is what has given you the world you live in today, both good and bad. My great hope as you read this book, and all that will follow, is that you will acknowledge the power you have, every day, to change the world around you by your decisions and actions. Then I will know the research and writing were all worthwhile. I also hope you enjoy every moment of it, and learn to love the characters as much as I do.
Sincerely,
Brian T. Clerk.
That was truly a nice author's note and it certainly made you want to read the whole book to know exactly how he developed those topics in the book. When you went to the next page and saw it was the prologue, you were already very excited to start reading the book.
PROLOGUE
If we know the path our life is going to take, will we change it? Will we allow the hurt and pain to follow us on our journey through life? I doubt it. We will take only the happiness – consume it, multiply it, engulf it, relish it. But will we grow in such a perfect world? No, I believe we will become stagnant, immature and unchallenged creatures.
Throughout our lives, filled with love and happiness and tragedy, we all have a story to tell. But, what will the ending bring? Will we hear the words, 'Welcome home,' or will we hang our heads in shame, and regret not having used our fleeting lives to strengthen our faith? Whether we are happy and in love, or faced with uncertainty and death, who do we rely on for strength, guidance and comfort? Who do we surround ourselves with? With whom do we spend our time? When our journey concludes, will it have the ending we desire?
There is no map to guide us on how to react to obstacles interrupting our desired peaceful existence. No matter how many times we imagine how we will deal with tragedy, when the occasion arises, there are no rules. Our emotions run riot, taking control of our senses, and we cannot but submit to them – whether they compel us to panic, be calm, be hysterical or be silent.
How do we move forward from deepest despair? Do we try to overcome it on our own, or do we wallow in self-pity, hindering any chance we might have of finding happiness again? Or do we immerse ourselves in the love of our family and friends?
The choice is yours.
I was content and felt that nothing could go wrong in my world. Well, it did. My life was torn apart and I was thrown into a conundrum of turmoil – uncontrollably spiraling downwards and completely unable to keep everything from falling apart. There's no way to escape.
I look at an old photo and I remember you, I remember what we used to be and what we no longer are. I realize how much everything changed and the nostalgia is unbearable. I take a pen and I begin to write you my farewell letter.
"I have a long list of defects, a past that is still screwing me, a terrible fear of rejection, an ill-mannered psyche that takes defense mechanisms when it should not, a thirst for love that no one before you had sated. I walk slow, cautious, but my mind is ahead and sometimes it ruins my moves. Nonetheless, I expose you what I am. Just so you know, so you know what you are facing. Noticeably, fearfully. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, or nothing lost; nothing ventured, not love and not learn; and I want to love you.
I don't intend to miss you because it wouldn't be worthwhile. Because you are much more than a couple of days of nostalgia. You are more than all those songs that remind me of you. You are more than the places where we've never been. You're more than everything I write. You are more than all those things. You do not deserve to be missed by me, you deserve to be alive in me; your memory alive in me, even if living you hurts me.
It is for this that I leave you words, which would kiss your eyes, which would make love with you. They cannot be compared to the hugs and caresses I would give you, but they are yours; look at yourself in them, discover yourself in them. You are there from the beginning, at the edge of each point, at the end of each sentence. I leave you pieces of my heart, mixed with my grammar and yours.
Always yours,
Your old friend."
I take for granted I'm at a crossroads in my life. Death or life. Now, what choice do I make?
Fine, you were clearly hooked. That prologue gave you a feeling to want to read the book asap. It just sounded so like him. For some reason you had the feeling that the main character in the story was the fictional version of himself, and the person to whom he wrote the letter was the fictional version of yourself. What if this complete story wasn't only inspired by you but it was also about you? What if it was your real story with Brian? You'd see his point of view of all. You turned the page and as soon as the book fell open, you fell in. While you were flipping through the pages, your blood pressure washed up and down with the words. You were feeling comfortable and yet anxious to see what would happen to you there, what would be around the next corner. The book remained static and fixed, but you journeyed through it. Slowly, like a movie fadeout, the real world evaporated. You were alone, inside the world of the story; the way he wrote it made you feel like you became the book. Yet you weren't alone, you were having a conversation with the book; it was very intimate. You were having this sense that you were having an intellectual and emotional exchange with Brian, as though you were following his train thought and you accompanied each other during the reading. Maybe the way he described everything was what made you a sensory participant in the story; those descriptions that overwhelmed your imagination with vivid detail. You dwelled on phrases that made your heart thrum. You cherished expressions that pierced your emotions and forced the tears to spill over. In essence, you could see Brian's soul sealed in ink on the pages. You found the truth about Brian and what he truly felt for you in those pages. All those words, all that information; it was like pouring water into sand; it all went in, through the eyes into the brain and even heart, and none of it ever came out again. You were absolutely marveled, and even infatuated, by the way Brian loved you, so deep, so devoted, so sheer and selfless. You were also astonished by the way he described you, as if you were eerily beautiful, marvelous, and mesmerizing. He described in detail each one of your gestures, and apparently your smile, your freckles and your eyes were what he loved most about your face, your skin and your hands were what he loved most about your body, your touch and embraces were what he loved most about your actions towards him, and your intelligence, kindness, sensitivity, confidence and loving attitude were what he loved most and admired about your personality; he described all of that so beautifully. It was thrilling to know how much he appreciated all of that, even things you couldn't notice about yourself. It was weird to know the way his eyes see you whenever he looks at you; and while you were reading you could totally see yourself the way he sees you; and it was beautiful, it was even better than anyone trying to convince you that you're beautiful and you're worthwhile. You felt truly beautiful and loved, and only thanks to the words sealed in ink on the pages; you couldn't picture how intense that would feel in real life. You were so enraptured in the story that you couldn't wait to get to the next page; you weren't even aware of the time, the day, or what was happening around you in the real world. You didn't want to stop reading, you actually couldn't stop reading because the book you were reading turned out to be crack. Brian's book was a treasure; you didn't suspect it would be so good when you picked it up, but now you could feel the printed words seeping through your skin and into your veins, rushing to your heart and marking it forever. You wanted to savor this wonder, this happening of loving a book and reading it for the first time, because the first time is always the best, and you will never read this book for the first time ever again. You were pretty sure your addiction to reading has just reached a whole new level after reading this book. You were so engrossed in the book that you didn't even realize that it was already dark, your tea was cold and unconsumed, your legs and feet were numb due to the fact that you remained still in the same position for hours, and you already reached the last pages of the book. You changed your position, pinched the remaining chapters' pages delicately between your fingers and sighed. You always hated reaching the end of a good book. You got that feeling when you were reading the book; you knew that it was going to be a tragedy; you could feel the cold and darkness coming, see the net drawing tight around the characters who lived and breathed on the pages; and you were tied to the story as if you were being dragged behind a carriage and you couldn't let go or turn the course aside. Therefore, you were afraid to finish reading the book because, somehow, you felt that after reading this book there was no reason to ever read again, you had reached the end of reading for it was so good and your incessant and increasing love for it was all wrapped up in this grotesque fear that your inner life was coming to an end before it had even begun; because you could absolutely identify with the book; because you were really feeling as though you were living every single moment and feeling every single emotion that Brian described in his book; you were that fictional character, you were living in the story. You kept reading until you reached the very end.
There was a lot of pain in that kiss. There was so much hurt and so much fear in it. I felt tears rolling down the both of our faces. But, in that kiss, there was even more want. We both wanted to smother out that pain, to not have so many horrible things in the all too recent past, to just be normal, to do the types of things we were supposed to be dealing with besides death and impotence. I looked at her face one last time; some of the freckles I once loved were now closer to liver spots. But it's still the eyes we look at, isn't it? That's where we found the other person, and find them still; and her eyes were still bright and dazzling, they still had the ability to make my heart skip a beat.
"You're letting me go?" Summer asked in despair. I curled my upper lip, my expression painfully bitter as I took a step back from her.
"Apparently... I never had a hold of you." I responded.
Summer turned sharply and without another word, striding down the street into the dark. She never once looked back and that was a good thing. If she had, she'd have seen me crying real tears for the first time in a long time, and she would have known that I'd lied. And lied big. For anyone who saw me, knew they were watching a heart in the process of it breaking. Just like that. Gone forever. We will not grow old together. We will never live on a beach by the sea, our hair turned white, dancing in a living room to Ella Fitzgerald. We will not enter a club at midnight and show others how to dance. We will not chuckle together over the endless folly of the world, its vanities and stupid ambitions. We will not hug each other in any chilly dawn.
"Oh, Summer. My baby. My love."
That moment of solitude and hollow that engulfed me helped me to realize that hell was not a pit of fire and brimstone. Hell was waking up alone, the sheets wet with your tears, knowing the woman you had dreamed of would never come back to you. Something came out from my heart into my throat and then into my eyes. My tears brought no sense of release or relief. Their flight felt like the lightest, coldest touch of a departing lover. I felt the sun graze my face as I sank to my knees, absolutely full of despair and sadness. For a long time, droplets of blood continued to fall into my lap. Until there was no 'now'. The storyteller didn't exist anymore but he did get his purpose to show that novels tell us the most truth about life: what it is, how we live it, what it might be for, how we enjoy and value it, and how we lose it.
That was the last sentence of the book and you were dissolved into a puddle of slow and desolate tears; you were crying in abject misery. Why would he finish the book that way? Where was the happy ending? It was unfair that after all the lovely, yet a bit tragic, events, experiences and moments lived between he and 'Summer', the story finished in this very distressing, tragic and outrageous way. That was not the ending they deserved. And the fact that he committed suicide in the story made you feel like throwing up and deeply sorrowful; you didn't even want to picture it. It should have ended differently; it should have ended with Summer coming back to him, telling him he was the one, no matter how many bad things were happening between them, no matter if he thought this was the best for her. Damn, why were you feeling such great pain? It was just a book, a fictional story, but it felt entirely real to you. Shit, you couldn't remember the last time you cried so much over a fictional story. You held your head in hands as tears were streaming down already wet cheeks. Alright, it was time to calm down, to stop crying, to come back to real life where none of this was happening, where Brian was still here. You carefully placed the book on the coffee table and you hugged the teddy bunny that Brian gave you for Christmas to stare blankly at some random spot to think about all you read. All of Brian's feelings for you... They seemed to be special. You wondered how it'd be like to feel it all in the flesh. Suddenly, a sound coming from the corridor made you come back to the real world and what was happening around. You saw Brian walking towards the living room, his gait unbalanced because he was still a bit sleepy, his eyes puffy because of the crying, his lips swollen, his skin mottled, frowning slightly and rubbing his forehead as though he was a bit fuzzy and dizzy, not quite sure what time it was or something like that. His eyes finally caught yours and you smiled faintly but sweetly.
"Hey Sunny." He said while looking around, his voice sounding husky, then fixing his eyes on you again. "Where's everybody?"
"They're out since the afternoon. I received a text message earlier saying they'll also spend the night out, apparently they wanted to have dinner at some restaurant." You responded gently and he frowned.
"Oh, that seems cool. And where's my dad?" He asked, apparently he didn't get that his dad was with them.
"He's with everybody. Actually, it was his idea to go out, to celebrate, you know, the result of his diagnosis." You answered and he looked down and bit his upper lip.
"Dammit. I wanted to go with him. I should have gone with him. What a jerk, wasting my time in that... Argh." He voiced frustrated and a bit angry.
"Well, I told your dad that we'll go out tomorrow, when the two of us would feel better; so you don't have to feel bad. Incidentally, I told your dad that you were feeling sick and throwing up for something you ate for breakfast; just in case he asks." You explained and Brian sighed and looked at you.
"Yeah, tomorrow we can go out." He stated and you nodded. He looked deeply into your eyes and gave you a faint half-smile. "Thanks, by the way; you know, for supporting me with this whole... lie... of the positive diagnosis. Also thank you for, you know, what you saw earlier... and what you told me, even if you... even if I... well, despite everything that happened between us. Just thanks." He said shyly but gratefully.
"You don't have to thank me, Bri. Come here, sit next to me." You requested gently, grabbing the teddy bunny to let him sit next to you. While Brian was walking to the couch, he looked at the teddy and grinned softly.
"You fixed it." He commented and you smiled brightly, looking at the teddy bunny.
"Yes, I love it." You replied while kissing the teddy and you heard how Brian let out a short chuckle when he finally sat next to you.
"Sorry I tore it. I just blew a fuse that night; I was kind of... out of myself." He said while looking at his lap.
You finally looked at him and you could notice he was sitting distant from you and he seemed to be strained, as though he was not so comfortable of being near you. That made you feel sad, you really screwed things up. If only you could go back in time...
"You had your reasons to be like that. At least what you did could be mended, unlike what I did to you." You confessed, holding your breath and feeling very nervous. You glanced at him and you saw him also glancing at you kind of sad. "I really regret what I said. I can't believe all of those hideous words came out my mouth. I was consumed for some sort of irrational and inexplicable anger that blinded me; I wasn't aware of what I was saying and I didn't mean anything of what I said. That really wasn't me and..." You started explaining, not even being able to look at him in the eye because of your shame and remorse. You sighed heavily. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Brian." You apologized sincerely and it was followed by a profound silence.
"Yes, you hurt me." Brian stated and his voice echoed in the silence as you felt as though someone was stabbing you in the chest. "And to be honest, I wasn't sure of wanting to see you again; not because your words hurt me and I was somehow offended, but because you didn't want to see me because for you I wasn't a friend and you hated me. I didn't want to be one of those annoying dudes going, over and over, after someone who clearly isn't interested in them; but above all, I didn't want to make your life... miserable for having to stand seeing me often when noticeably you want me to be away."
"No, it's not..." You said pained but Brian made a gesture with his hand as a way to indicate you to be quiet.
"Please, let me finish." He requested, but he didn't sound upset or rude, he sounded polite. "I really thought I was some sort of abomination for you. That night, the day after and this morning I really believed you loathed me; and I simply couldn't understand why you would hate me so much if I always tried to do my best for you, if I ever gave you everything of me, my best and my worst. Maybe I was doing something wrong, maybe you couldn't handle me at my worst as it always happened with everybody else, maybe my worst surpassed my best and I was some sort of negative influence that you had to rid from your life in order to be happy. Maybe you were sick of me because you're my only best friend and I always needed you for everything when perhaps you wanted to be with your other friends, maybe I was a kind of burden, maybe I was suffocating, annoying, boring; maybe I was not good enough for someone like you; maybe you were much more than what I could always have in thousands lives; maybe I didn't deserve you. And I came to the conclusion that the more I learned to care for you, the more we drifted apart; maybe the key was to stop being too obsessive about taking care of you, but I never could do anything about it, I just can't stop caring." He confessed and you were looking at him deeply distressed. Did you really make him feel all of that? It was worse than what you thought. Brian paused a long time before speaking again. "I made the decision to stop seeing you, for your own happiness, even if I was aware it wasn't the best for me. But then you showed up in the hospital, even if I didn't ask you and even if I didn't make you remember that. Then, after the appointment, you stayed with me when that was your one chance to go away. Then you sang that song explaining that wasn't you and you were the person who will get me on my feet when I fall, that song that was like an apology, like admitting your mistakes and facing them; you sang that song even if nobody requested it. Then you helped me to convince my dad that the diagnosis was positive when you could perfectly have been out of this lie, when that was your opportunity to make me look like the bad guy, regarding how much you hate me. Then you saw me self-harming and instead of walking away as if you didn't care, according to what you said that night, you walked towards me and you took care of me, you embraced me, you comforted me and you let me cry on you, even if that was one of the things you hated about me. Then you asked me to tell you what I was thinking and how I was feeling as though you really wanted to know, as though you wanted to understand me, as though you wanted to help me." He said, this time looking deeply into your eyes while you were looking at him a bit confused but also thrilled. "But most importantly, you asked me to look into your eyes inasmuch as eyes never lie, and you told me all of those wonderful words. And in that moment I realized that was the truth. Truth wasn't what you told me that night, truth was what you were saying in that precise moment when you said I was important to you, I saw it in your eyes. You weren't that person full of wrath, you were that caring and extraordinary person you've always been to me. And I'm not trying to define you here, I'm telling you how I see you." He said and you grinned softly as your eyes filled with tears, not the kind of sad tears, but the kind of emotive tears. "Therefore, I don't need to hear your apologies; not because I'm not gonna take them, but because there's no need to hear them because you already showed me that you're sorry and that you didn't mean what you said that night. And you showed me it in the best way, with actions and not mere words." He said, looking profoundly into your eyes and grinning sweetly.
You were never more relieved to hear him forgiving you because this time you were really scared to have fucked up everything to the point you couldn't be friends again. Few tears escaped the corner of your eyes in the moment you pounced on him to give him a clinch. Brian clasped you in his arms and rested his head on yours; you felt protected and comforted. That embrace wasn't like in those times when you were feeling a bit uncomfortable after you found out he was in love with you, when your relationship began to weaken; that embrace was like in the old times when you were best friends and everything felt good and comfortable. Maybe to have read his book and figure out how exactly he felt for you helped you to feel fully pleased to be in his arms. You didn't know how many times you whispered in his ear how thankful you were and how much you loved him, but it was for sure several times until he moved a little to kiss your forehead, look at you fondly and say few but meaningful words.
"I love you too, Sunny."
Right after this, he wrapped an arm around you and began to draw circles in your shoulder with his fingers as you rested your head on his shoulder, snuggling up to him and wrapping your arms around his waist.
"Brian?" You called up with thoughtful voice, staring the hand he had above your arms.
"Yeah?" He asked and you noticed how he glanced at you.
"I don't ever want to lose you." You answered and although you weren't seeing him, you noticed he frowned slightly.
"You're not gonna lose me. At this point I thought I made it clear that I need you because I love you, so I hardly think you'll lose me, unless you want so." He replied and squeezed softly your shoulder.
"I just don't want you to let me go, not even if you think it's the best for me. I just don't want you to let me go and lie saying you never had a hold of me." You responded anguished, remembering what you read in his book. Brian remained silent for a long time.
"Sunny... Have you...?" He began to ask suspiciously. "Have you read my book?" He asked firmly and moved to be able to look straight in your eye. He was indeed looking at you in suspicion.
"Yes, I've read your book." You answered bluntly and Brian parted his lips. "And I honestly think it's one of the best books I've ever read. You got me hooked from the beginning to the very end. The depth of the story, the very well characterized characters, the way you wrote it, so beautifully, so enthralling, so tragic and lovely at the same time, so full of meaning; all of that made me want to never stop reading, not even for a single second. It made me feel real emotions and I felt as though I was living the story, not like an outsider, but like a sensory participant of it. I could see your soul reflected in every single word. Seriously, your book is a treasure, Brian." You confessed in all honesty as Brian was looking at you amazed with parted lips, apparently very moved for hearing your words.
"Thank you." He muttered astounded and moved. You saw his green eyes twinkling when he smiled at you. "That's probably one of the nicest things someone could tell me about my book."
"Well, you did a great job. I'm so glad you finally published something you wrote; now everybody will discover a new talented author. I can totally picture you sitting in a bookstore, signing the books to your readers." You commented and he giggled and shook his head.
"Your imagination never ceases to amaze me." He replied with an amused grin.
"Now, as your biggest fan, I'd like you to sign my book, Mr. Clerk. Would you do that for me?" You asked while handing him the book.
"Where did you get this book? The one I gave you..." He asked curiously.
"Jen gave it to me. Just think this is the one you gave me. So, would you sign me the book?" You asked and he chuckled again.
"Fine, I'll do it. Do you have a pen?" He asked and you nodded and gave it to him.
"I'd like some sort of dedication." You requested gently as you were trying to look what he was writing.
"In the book there's a dedication page. The person I referred as my very best friend is you. However, I'll write you something else, to make it even more personalized." He answered and he finally gave you the book, so you read what he wrote.
My dearest Sunny,
Do not forsake the yearning to make your life something special, do not stop believing that words and poems can change the world, and do not ever stop dreaming. Although the wind blows against, the powerful work continues: You can make a stanza. You'll always be poetry and I will always have a soft spot for you in my heart.
Wishing you abundant joy and success.
Your friend,
Brian T. Clerk.
When you finished reading, you smiled sweetly. That was very cute. How was it even possible for him to write something like that in a matter of seconds? Sure it was very short, but it was full of significance; and he made a very deep text out of a short text. You were simply amazed by his writing skills and the way we could transmit lovely feelings through words. You looked at him and smiled fondly.
"Thank you, Bri. This is wonderful." You stated and he grinned. "Now, can I ask you something about the book?"
"Sure you can." He answered and you hesitated a bit. You didn't know how to ask this, so you opted to cut to the chase.
"The book is written in first person. Is that person the fictional version of you?" You asked and he frowned slightly. Yet, he didn't answer. "And you interact with a certain girl called Summer. You talk about her all the time. Is Summer the fictional version of me?" You asked again and Brian looked at his lap, still frowning. He scratched the nape of his neck and you realized he was nervous. "Brian?" You insisted and he sighed.
"Yes. Both, the person who relates the story and Summer, are the fictional version of you and me." He finally answered and you nodded. You knew that was the answer, but you wanted to be sure. "Is it too obvious?" He asked with a nervous chuckle.
"Well, you could have used another name for the girl. Summer is pretty similar to Sunny." You answered jokingly, to try to make him feel less awkward.
"Yeah... Maybe a part of me wanted you to know you were the girl." He responded in a whisper. You moved closer to him and placed a hand on his thigh, so he looked at you.
"I'm glad that part of you wanted me to know I was the girl. If it hadn't been thanks to that part of you, I wouldn't have known the way you see me, the way you feel for me and all you'd do for me." You replied softly, looking at him deeply into his eyes and smiling in a very fond way. Brian's jade green eyes twinkled, making his eyes look very bewitching; and his facial expression denoted surprise. "The enormous love you feel for me moves me. Before reading this book, I only thought you were in love with me, just that, shocking but nothing special. After reading your book, I realized that your love for me is one of a kind; it's devoted, tender, selfless, passionate, romantic, and the list goes on. You love me in a way that every single girl in the whole wide world would like to be loved. That would make me the luckiest girl because you're like the Prince Charming and you love me." You said with a tender grin as Brian let out a short and a bit nervous chuckle. He seemed to be astonished by your words, maybe a little confused too. "And after reading your book and living it as if I were Summer... All of that just made me wonder how it'd be like to feel it all in real life, in the flesh. I'd like to feel it all, not with any guy but with you." You confessed, but you were also requesting it.
On one hand, you were feeling a bit afraid of sounding like a needy girl; but on the other hand, you were feeling very sure, more sure than ever, of wanting to be with Brian. You didn't know if you wanted it to last forever, perhaps you weren't sure of wanting to have committed relationship with him, maybe he wasn't the guy for you; but you were sure you wanted to feel his love. In the past you thought several times about being with Brian, kissing him, touching him, receiving his love and giving him yours; after all, you always loved him in a special way, he was an extraordinary person, and he was very handsome and sexy; but you never dared to take that step with him. Now you wanted it, you wanted him, you wanted to know how it'd feel to be with someone who loved you in an exceptional way and a guy you loved deeply, even if you weren't in love with him. In the meantime, Brian dropped his jaw in shock. He closed his mouth and gulped. Then he sniggered awkwardly.
"I don't know what you mean..." He played dumb.
"Yes, you know exactly what I meant; you're not precisely a fool person." You responded.
He looked down, apparently feeling embarrassed of looking into your eyes. Therefore, you moved closer to him and placed your thumb on his chin to make him look at you. When his eyes met yours and you smiled, his green eyes twinkled. They looked bigger than ever, perhaps due to his nervousness and astonishment. You fondled his cheek and you sensed how he shivered when he felt your touch.
"Brian, I want you to make me feel all that love you feel for me. Not with words but with actions. Not with nice gestures, because you always did lovely things for me, I already know the caring and tender part of your love for me. I want to know the other part of your love for me, the passionate and sexual part, to feel it wholly; the part of your love that includes caressing me, kissing me and touching me." You explained as he was looking intensely into your eyes, still bewildered, with parted lips, breathing heavily. You took his hands in yours and clutched them. "I want to give us one night in which you can be completely mine and I can be completely yours." You whispered very close to him. He drifted his gaze downwards and frowned slightly, still with parted lips. After a long time of complete silence, he blinked and looked at you.
"Why are you saying this?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. Why did he seem to be suspicious? "Are you saying all of this because... because you feel pity for me?"
"What? No..." You started responding, stunned because of that suspicion. Why would he think that?
"Because I'm some sort of loser who makes up an entire fictional life for a book, a life I'd like to have in real life, so you feel pity for that and want to do something about?" He asked, apparently ignoring your response.
"No... No." You replied, now frowning in confusion and in disbelief.
"Because you saw me self-harming and now you feel like this need to do something for me so maybe that way I'll stop doing so?" He asked, obviously not paying attention to what you answered.
"Brian... Brian." You stated with orotund voice, holding both of his hands to stop him and it worked. He shut up and looked at you a bit distressed. "I'm saying all of this because I read your book and I loved the way you described your love for me, so I want you to make me feel it in the flesh, just for one night." You explained and he looked down and shook his head.
"No... I don't want to do it." He answered and you frowned. You weren't expecting him to reject you. Now you felt embarrassed and somewhat humiliated. "In the story, if I interacted with you and I took action it was because it was fictional and in the fictional story you were in love with me, so it was right. In real life, you're not in love with me and if I do something, I'd feel like I am using you for a one-night stand and I don't want it with you, not with you. I'd never use you for a one-night stand, not ever." He stated roundly, still shaking his head and now looking at his lap again; yet he let you continue holding his hands. You looked deeply into his eyes for a long time.
"It's not using me if the one who is asking to do this is me." You finally said in a whisper and he looked up into your eyes, so you continued talking. "And, please, don't get me wrong. I don't intend to use you." You clarified and he looked away and pursed his lips, so you cleared your throat. It was time for you to be honest with him. "Listen, Bri... I will be honest. Since we became best friends, and more since we moved together, after you did such wonderful and extraordinary things for me, I started feeling weird about you... I began to feel attracted to you, I began to feel this need to be all the time close to you, this need of hugging you, of touching you, even of kissing you. I never did or said anything at all because I'm a coward of this nature, just like you; I was also afraid to lose you as my friend. When I found out you were in love with me, I walked away because it was the easier thing to do, because I was scared." You confessed.
Brian returned his gaze to you, now looking at you surprised. He was so silent that it was hard to talk because it wasn't nice to hear your own voice echoing in the room, saying this very intimate confession. However, you continued because you thought he needed to know this.
"Yes, you're right, I'm not in love with you, I won't deny it." You said in all honesty and he nodded slightly and looked down, but you squeezed his hands and smiled faintly, even if he wasn't looking at you. "But I do have feelings for you, feelings that cannot be classified as feelings for a friend nor as feelings for a significant other. I want to figure out what my feelings for you actually are; reading your book helped me a little, but I need and I want to do this with you to get there. I want to be with you for real. I want to feel you, not out of pity but because you amaze me." You added, your voice sounding low and a bit guttural. Brian looked straight in your eye and you could see his eyes glisten. "That is why I'm asking you to make me feel your love for one night, because I can't assure we'll start dating, because if we ever start something committed I want to be completely sure, not to hurt you." You whispered with throaty voice.
You were looking deeply into his eyes as he echoed back; he was basically piercing your eyes with his steady gaze. Therefore, you started feeling how your heart began to beat faster and how your cheeks were flushing due to your embarrassment of confessing something so private. You wondered why it was always so embarrassing to tell someone what you feel deep down in your heart, those true feelings that come from within you, when you expose yourself with naked soul, without keeping anything. It shouldn't be like that because those were honest feelings and honesty was always good; but it was like that, maybe because for those minutes you become a meek person and everybody likes to look strong. He didn't utter a single word and you were feeling way too exposed, so you looked down, closed your eyes for few seconds, gulped, and took a deep breath before looking into his eyes again.
"Forget about everything and answer me this: Do you want to be with me?" You asked with wobbly voice, your eyes reflecting nervousness and eagerness. His eyes pierced yours and he slightly tilted his head to one side and grinned faintly.
"There's nothing I want more than to be with you at all times. I want to be the one that you want to share your life with." He answered with modulated and deep voice while looking at you in a very fond way.
Your heart skipped a beat when his wonderful jade green eyes twinkled and made them look greatly mesmerizing. His voice and his eyes denoted complete honesty and it felt beautiful. You gulped and intertwined your fingers with his.
"And, right now, this chance of being together is presented. Prove me, with actions and not with words, that you really want to be with me, that you really want to be the one I share my life with; because I'd like to feel it and maybe I'll dare to show you that I want the same, at least for one night for now." You requested gently, looking intensely into his eyes, feeling nervous but determined to do this because you wanted so.
Brian looked down and shrank; he fluttered his eyes and bit his lips as though he was feeling shy, scared or nervous. You could hear his heavy breathing and you could sense his heart beating fast. You tilted your head to try to look into his eyes, confused because of this sudden reaction, and you noticed his eyes reflected embarrassment, fear and distress. You didn't talk; you just gave him all the time he needed to answer. At first he muttered incoherent words, but then he sighed and spoke.
"It's been so long since the last time I was with someone that I don't even know how to do this." He confessed in an undertone, stammering and sounding highly shy and ashamed, hunching his shoulders and blushing. Somehow this caused you tenderness, so you placed a hand on his cheek and fondled it smoothly; when his shy eyes glimpsed at you, you smiled sweetly.
"You don't have to think about how to do this, there's not a right nor wrong formula to do this; just let yourself go by your feelings and I'm sure it'll flow naturally." You responded gently as he made a muffled sound and parted his lips, looking piercingly into your eyes. He gulped and nodded.
"Are you sure you want to...?" He began to ask in a whisper.
"I'm very sure, Bri." You responded even before he could finish the question, your voice sounding determined.
He picked your chin up lightly in his hand and brought your face up towards him, you got a bit embarrassed by the proximity so that you looked at the ground, it wasn't because you didn't want to look at him; if anything, it meant you wanted to look at him too much but you felt somehow intimidated due to his enthralling jade green eyes. He was patient with your eyes, the ones which darted everywhere in the room except the place they should be focused, because they were only shy in their fondness for him. He turned you up to face him and he watched with fervent eyes the way the light cradled you. You, for some weird reason, gasped and your heart began to beat faster by the intimate way he was looking at you with his shiny eyes. He cupped your face with one of his hands and used his thumb to caress your cheek, then he used his index finger to softly touch your lips. He leaned over and, without taking his eyes off you, he kissed the tops of your cheekbones and the tip of your nose; he kissed each part of your face like it was a scrape on a child's knee that he wanted to heal with his affection. With every kiss, you felt closer to him. He placed his fingers on your cheeks and gently and slowly began to outline the shape of your face, staring each one of your features with parted lips and sparkly eyes as if he was bewitched. His fingers trailed across your cheeks, stopping in every single freckle, they trailed down your jawline; his thumb stroked gently your chin and then he moved his hand to your neck as his fingers began to brush the nape of your neck and then a strand of your short hair was screwed around his index finger. He was admiring every single part of your face as you were looking deeply into his shiny jade green eyes, with your lips parted and softly panting. Then his eyes drifted and met yours as he smiled warmly and his face lit up and his eyes twinkled; he moved his mouth to your eyes and you slowly closed them. He, very gently and delicately, kissed each one of your eyes as you breathed in, feeling a warm sensation running throughout your whole body. When you felt his knuckles fondling your cheek, you opened your eyes and looked into his green eyes that were looking straight into your eyes with such fondness that basically took your breath away. You've never felt such proximity to someone; this was probably one of the most intimate and erotic situations you've ever experienced. It wasn't a sexual eroticism, it was a soul eroticism; something that you didn't even know it existed. He left a trail of kisses in your jawline and then he firmly placed a hand on your neck to run his fingertips across your neck and collarbone as he began to kiss every spot of your neck, as though he was trying to discover which your weak spot was. Neck. Sensitivity in your body, you were so sensitive to his touches, you adored the way he touched and kissed your neck; when he found that sensitive spot right between your neck and collarbone, you let out a very low moan as you closed your eyes, engulfed in a particular sensation of pleasure and delight, making your whole body shiver. You felt hotness in your face and warm in your chest, looking forward to his kisses on your lips; you were anxious to be with him. You wanted to kiss his stubbled chin, his neck, the jagged scars on his thigh. You wanted to kiss his head, his hair, his cheek, his brow; just kiss him all over. You wanted to kiss his eyes, his lips, just everywhere he existed. You just wanted him to kiss you, that kind of kiss you only get a few times in life, consummately, between the wall and heart; one of those kisses which are paid with the soul. You felt his soft and warm lips brushing your earlobe.
"I love you, Sunny." His appealing and hoarse voice whispered in your ear as you shivered and groaned softly.
Geez. You were already feeling turned on and he didn't even kiss your lips. How was that even possible? You were desperate to kiss him now. You opened your eyes and you found his eyes looking intensely into yours. He placed his hand on your jaw, his thumb touching your cheekbone and his other fingers touching the back of your ear; he smiled sweetly and you felt how your eyes shone when your heart skipped a beat. He moved his face closer, rested his forehead against yours and nuzzled the tip of your nose. Your eyes were fixed on his, so you noticed how his gaze drifted to your mouth. You were trembling by the time his lips were about to touch yours. He leaned in and got his mouth very, very close to yours; then he stopped, just for a split second. He let his breath touch your lips and you leaned forward and tried to kiss him for it was much the desire you had to press your lips against his; however, he pulled back a little bit so that his lips stayed out of range of yours. You looked at him exasperated, frowning in confusion and maybe even in frustration, yet his kind eyes looking at yours got to calm you.
"Wait..." Brian voiced with husky voice. Oh dear, his voice sounded so sexy. "Let me manage this for now. I want you to really feel what I feel for you and for that I don't want to rush this moment."
"Okay." You answered weakly due to your shortness of breath.
You clasped his hand in yours and you leaned in to kiss it very gently. When you looked up you found Brian looking intently at your hands and then he intertwined his fingers with yours, with his lips parted as if he was mesmerized. His thumb brushed your hand as you leaned in to kiss his hand once more at the same time he kissed your hand. In that very moment, he moved both of your hands down and his lips touched yours. Then he kissed you lightly. It was none like the kisses you got from other guys like Ian, who kissed you too hard, too fast, too sloppily; it was as though he knew that he couldn't make up for every mistake they've made, but he wanted to earn trust in showing that not every move had to be forceful and, at least initially, uncomfortable. His kiss came as a surprise, something remarkable, something sensational; he unlocked your sealed lips and you allowed him to do it again. You became one on one, you breathed as one, then you found out that his kiss wasn't a simple kiss, it was the unspoken language of his heart. You could express no kinder sign of love, than this kind kiss. It seemed he was aware of how soft your lips were, therefore he kissed them with much respect and care, he was like trying to show this was the way your lips should be treated. He let you push into him, melt forward in such a way that you were an active participant and not an innocent bystander. He let you show that you trusted him, that you wanted him, that you were comfortable and happy where you were. You allowed every gentle move, every hand on the nape of the neck or the small of the back; he was soft and patient, he showed you that there was no need to prove aggression, or assert dominance. His kiss and his touch were so gentle, yet so poisonous to your heart. You let him know that you were feeling him in a whisper as he was leaving his movements subtle and implied; he said in his movements that he was present, instead of insisting that he was occupying your space. He let your lips and tongues be in a light dance, instead of a glorified fight. In a single kiss, he told you that you're beautiful, in much more profound ways than the physical; he communicated every difficult-to-articulate sentiment that he's ever felt towards you. He was like listening to your body and allowing you to respond as you became fluent in a language you only recently discovered existed. You and he parted to catch a little air and Brian took advantage to look at you. He looked into your eyes and found your heart, then he kissed you and touched your soul. He kissed you so intimately and you truly indulged yourself in his kiss. He kissed you softly; you couldn't resist his soft lips. His lips were so soft that you needed him again. His kiss was so special, so perfect, so right, so true. He kissed you with desire, you couldn't resist his desire. He kissed you with his heart, you couldn't resist his heart. He kissed you with his hopes, his honesty, his love, his happiness. You saw his sincerity, you saw how much he admired you. His lips to yours waked your soul and told a secret that only your heart knew; and it was such grace as both of your eyes closed and shared a breath. Suddenly words lost meaning and meant even less. You felt passion of his lips pressed against yours. It was that kind of kiss in which you lose yourself in; then you realized that you didn't want to kiss anyone else as the world around you disappeared except you and him. Little by little and delicately, he leaned you on the couch until you rested your head on the couch arm and he rested his chest against yours. To catch your breath, you parted again. You cracked your eyes open and this time Brian kissed your neck again, in that particular spot he found, between your neck and collarbone. You, instinctively, closed your eyes again and a moan came out your mouth as you buried your fingers in the back of his head, to then grasp his hair as you bit your lower lip.
"Brian..." You mumbled, your voice sounding croaky. "Brian, I can feel it." You wheezed.
"Feel what, baby girl?" You felt his guttural voice whispering in your ear as a soft whimper. It was as if his voice penetrated your body and you felt really aroused, so you buried your fingertips in the back of his head once again.
"Your love." You responded weakly and then you felt such silence that got your attention.
You slowly opened your eyes and you saw him looking deeply into your eyes, his pale green eyes glowing, with a genuine smile, asymmetric and larger on the right side of his face. His fingertips softly brushed errant strands of hair from your eyes. Your skin quivered beneath his gentle touch when he cupped gently his palms to your jaw, his thumbs caressing your blushing cheeks. You felt your heartbeat quickening when you inhaled deeply his scented hair, his intoxicating aroma. Your weighted eyelids sank lower as soft moans escaped from within, with your thought lost in delicious amnesia that was controlled by your body's desires. Then, slowly, as tinder, passion ignited fire, released in a sensual kiss. His initial kiss was just a flirting of both of your lips, his tongue lightly flicking like asking 'Do you want me?'. The tip of his tongue ran all around your lips, touching every part, inside and out, over and over again, tickling you. Then he pressed his lips gently to yours, rubbing your lips back and forth against his. He trailed kisses of passion all over your face, then he went back to your mouth as your tongues danced together. You started exploring, he circled your tongue with the tip of his and you echoed the pattern back to him; he licked the sides, underside and the top, and you echoed back; he sucked your lower lip and you echoed back. You repeated and repeated, your sensations were driving your emotions, you began to be wild for each other. He thrust his tongue in and out, the movements were rhythmic and stabbing, simulating the mating. You loved the warmth of his skin, his breath on your neck that shook you within, the touch of his hand, the smell of his hair, the naughtiness in his smile, that strength in his stare and the sparkle in his eye. You loved his kiss on your lips, his body against you, the beating of his heart against yours, the stroke of his touch, that feeling inside that you never wanted to part. Pheromones, newly born, were floating between you two; there was hardly any air. He kissed you again, reaching that place that sent messages to toes and fingertips, then all the way to something like home. Nothing like a man who knows to kiss the right thing at the right time, then kissed the things he's missed. You were out of your mind. He was in. When he nibbled your lower lip, you moaned and you couldn't help to claw the back of his head and pull his hair.
"Ouch." Brian howled.
"Sorry." You groaned, loosening the grasping.
"It's alright, baby girl." He panted in front of your lips.
"Oh, call me like that again." You requested in a whine.
"Baby girl." He whispered with husky voice in your ear.
That drove you crazy. You desperately lifted your head to reach his lips and kiss them fiercely, like this you started snogging fast and almost sloppily. Brian slid a hand underneath your shirt to run hands over your stomach as you flinched by the touch in that sensitive part of your body. In the meantime, you slid a hand underneath his shirt to rub the small of his back, suddenly feeling his warm skin. When Brian ran his fingers across your hipbone and he slid one single finger underneath the waistband of your jeans, you thrust your hips up and your pelvis touched his groin as you felt his hard-on. Both of you moaned in the kiss and he parted slightly to breathe out. You took advantage to tug his shirt and take it off, leaving his bare chest exposed in front of you. He looked fervently into your eyes while panting as you were running your hand over his toned chest, staring it in complete admiration. Then you stopped and looked at his face: his hair was completely disheveled, his cheeks were flushed, his lips parted, his eyes glowing as never before. You fixed your gaze on his eyes and you tried to let him know that you wanted him. You wanted him to go further. You wanted him to undress you. He placed both hands on your sides, underneath your shirt and he, slowly and carefully, took off your shirt, chucking it aside. Then he turned to you and unwrapped his body as you felt his trace contouring your upper body with his fingers while he was washing you with his eyes. You felt the cloth of his skin, uncovered, inviting you in, felt his breath warm in your ear. He leaned closer into you and you felt your blood surge as he held you and echoed the beat pulling on you two as he wrapped your legs around him while you were feeling fierce convulsions of delight, tossed by a tempest of desire. Your lips molded together and you felt his tongue slowly sliding through your lips and claiming your mouth. You let out a little whimper as he removed his tongue and tugged on your lower lip with his teeth. Then he began to place kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You tilted your head back to give him better access and as he began to bite and nip at your skin, you subconsciously started to grind. His hands ran up your waist and around to your back, fiddling with the clasp. As soon as he undid your bra, he slipped the straps down your shoulders and threw it onto the floor. His hands cupped your breasts and slowly took a nipple into his mouth. You dug your nails into his flesh and he groaned heavily. His tongue teased your nipple and did the same to the other. You ran your hands down his toned muscles and grinned at him. He bit his lower lip and within in seconds, he was licking your navel in circular motion, something that caused you to shudder deeply; your skin instantly rose to goosebumps. He kissed your whole upper body, from your stomach, going up to your neck, as he toppled over and leaned his weight against you, his length near your thigh. You moaned beneath him, his body moving slightly, his hips thrusting against you, lips trailing across your neck to peck marks clear about your throat. He leaned down further and bit near your collarbone, clamping lips around your skin and sucking upwards. He sent his lips to the sweet spot on your neck as you felt the insides of your thighs tingling. You tried to find his lips and when you did, you kissed them.
"Brian… bedroom… now." You tried to articulate while groaning, very desperate, engulfed by the desire of getting him inside you.
Brian stopped to look at you, still gasping. You cupped your palm to his cheek and you fondled it with your thumb. He was like asking you if you were sure and you were answering him that this was what you wanted; only with that simple gesture. Thereby, he eased you around until the back of the couch separated your bodies. He picked you up and held you close enough to let your legs around his waist. He placed his hands on your hips, you threw your arms around his neck and he carried you to the bedroom while you were kissing lustfully again. Once there, he tossed you down onto the mattress and he toppled over and leaned his weight against you.
I woke up really early next morning, even if we returned to Jen's place very late at night. I turned my face and I saw February fast asleep, understandable. Maybe I should try to sleep a little more because I only had 4 hours of sleep. I snuggled up to February, enfolding my arms around her waist, and I closed my eyes, thinking that this could help me fall asleep. However, it didn't work because I started recalling all we did the day before. We all had a pretty awesome day doing what Brian's dad wanted; to be honest, I thought it'd be kind of boring but it was anything but. It seemed as if that man was full of energy and he had a great sense of humor; no doubt why Jen got attached to him when he moved to her place. We did many things in a little amount of time and we ended up recovering our energy in a restaurant to chow down. We stayed in the restaurant until it was 1 am, so February asked me if we could leave our plans of going out together for another day because she was tired. I really wanted to spend time with her alone, but I could understand it was already too late. Thing is that after the restaurant, I don't remember why, we all ended up playing snowball war at Central Park, which was crazy. I think it was Joey's idea and Brian's dad agreed right away, so we all ended up there. It was the funniest part, though. Summing up, it was a fucking amazing day and we all returned to Jen's place at 4 am. Alright, I definitely couldn't sleep any longer. I opened my eyes and I looked at February again, she was still fast asleep. I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and I fondled her cheek, but it seemed she did not notice this, so I leaned in and pecked her lips.
"Gorgeous, wanna have breakfast?" I asked in front of her lips and I got a growl in response. "I can't sleep and I was thinking we could go for a walk to exploit the morning."
"Darren... It's 8 am. I really want to sleep a little more." She responded, her voice husky with sleep.
"Yeah, but we should exploit our time here in the amazing NYC." I replied trying to sound convincing.
"We'll stay here for another week or so. Why don't you try to sleep now?" She snarled and covered her face with the pillow.
"Hmm, I think I'll get up and have breakfast. See you there when you wake up, okay?" I asked gently.
"Alright, babe." She answered hoarsely.
"Love you." I whispered, moving the pillow to kiss her lips. I saw how a slight smile spread across her face and that made me grin.
"Love you too." She responded and even though she had her eyes closed, she managed to peck my lips.
I stroked her hair and then I finally got up, dressed up and went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I left the bathroom, I saw February sleeping diagonally across the bed and I giggled softly before heading out the bedroom. As soon as I got out the bedroom I saw Mandy in the corridor. And I thought I'd be the only one awake.
"Good morning, Mandy." I voiced and she grinned. It was cool the fact that she was now treating me well, like in the old times when Freckles and I were dating.
"Good morning, Darren." She responded.
"Why are you awake so early? I thought I would be the only one crazy." I asked curious, in a whisper so that I wouldn't wake the rest of us.
"I'm used to waking up early. And actually, everybody is awake, except your girlfriend, my sister and Brian." She replied and I frowned. "I guess we all are morning people." She shrugged and I chuckled as I nodded.
"So… Brian spent the night here?" I asked intrigued.
"It seems so. I found his shirt in the living room and I hardly think he could have gone without his shirt. The guy could be the perfect hot stripper who walks naked around the city, causing women the desire of trying to feel him up and push him against a wall to bang him; but that's not his thing, so…" She answered shrugging as I dropped my jaw and frowned to look at her astonished.
"Okay, thank you for the description. It was disturbingly clear." I responded and she smirked satisfied. Then I looked at her hands and I saw the shirt she was talking about. Thing was that she also had a woman's shirt and a bra in her hands. "So… Is that his shirt?" I asked.
"Yes, this is his shirt. What? Do you want to smell it because his smell turns you on? I didn't know you were the kind of guy who also likes dudes. But again… I can't blame you; if I were a guy I'd also want to bang him like you." Mandy responded and I narrowed my eyes and frowned like… what the hell?
"What are you even…?" I started asking but then I saw her laughing. She was joking and she was now making fun of me, so I giggled. "You're an idiot, Amanda." I commented amused and she smirked.
"Thanks for the compliment." She winked and I shook my head while chuckling.
"Anyway, what I wanted to ask you… You not only have his shirt…" I started saying, not knowing how to ask. Mandy looked at her hands and looked at me again.
"Oh yeah, these…" She said while showing the woman's shirt and the bra. "These belong to my sister. I'm not quite sure why they were there too. Most probably my sister wanted to do laundry and these clothes fell in her way to the laundry room; so I was just taking them to her bedroom." She explained while shrugging. Yes, that was the most logical explanation. "Okay, I'll just leave the clothes in my sister's bedroom so I can finally have breakfast. Everybody is currently having breakfast and Chuck recently prepared some coffee if you want to join."
"Yes, I'll do it, I really need my morning coffee. See you there in minutes, then." I said and she nodded.
I turned around to head to the kitchen and I heard how Mandy opened the door of Freckles' bedroom, without even knocking it, perhaps not to wake them and let them rest, considering that the day before neither of them was feeling good. When I was about to walk out the corridor, I heard Mandy yelling and I startled. I turned my face and I saw that Mandy dropped the clothes she was holding and she was now covering her mouth with a shocked facial expression. I quickly ran to her, thinking the worst in view of the terrified yell. Maybe something bad had happened to Freckles or Brian. I peered my head through the door and caught sight of inside of the bedroom to see what the hell had happened for Mandy to scream that way. And I saw it and my worried facial expression turned into a puzzled facial expression. I dropped my jaw and widened my eyes in astonishment as I felt how a weird feeling was taking over my entire body while seeing something I certainly didn't like. Joey and Jen came running to where we were; even February came out from the bedroom with sleepy face to see what the hell was happening because of Mandy's yell.
"What is going on?" February asked confused.
I was too perplexed to even answer, I was feeling really weird, I was sort of disgusted. Therefore, all of them looked inside the bedroom to see what was going on. And they also saw it. Now they were also surprised and shocked.
"What the fuck?" Mandy screamed in bewilderment.
The weird feeling was maybe jealousy. Freckles and Brian were cuddling and sleeping in the bed. Both of them completely naked.