The human sense of time is largely based on external cues. When placed in isolation without such cues, a person's internal clock will inevitably become skewed. I am presently attempting to re-calibrate the internal clocks of my guests. However, of all my guests, only Number 8 seems willing to accept my help. The rest are all annoyed, and are deliberately tuning me out. Will that hurt their chances of escaping the next Treatment? Is my audio-clock really all that helpful? We're about to find out.
"Attention, guests. Your chrono-conditioning regiment is now concluded. Now, do you feel that your sense of time has been restored?"
"I don't know, VAL," said Number 3, "but I think my hearing has been damaged."
"I think it's working," said Number 8. "I can still hear the buzzing in the back of my mind. I can keep a steady count of every second."
"My ears are still ringing," said Number 1. "I wish it would stop."
"I wasn't really paying attention," said Number 9. "If I was supposed to recover any lost sense of time, I don't think I did."
"All I got out of this was a headache," moaned Number 2.
"I can still hear the buzzing," said Number 7. "I think I can tick off seconds, but I'm not making any promises.
"I slept through the whole thing," said Number 5, "but maybe I picked it up by osmosis, or something."
"I'm just glad the noise stopped," Number 4 said flatly.
"While I value your insight, guests, I would much prefer more concrete data. I will give you a little warm up round before your Test, to see if your sense of time is fully restored. When I give the signal, start counting out time. When you think the right amount of time has passed, press the green button. The guest who is closest after five rounds will receive a small reward. Are you ready?"
"Let's go!" said Number 8.
"Round 1. Count off 15 seconds, starting…now."
"One, two, three, four, five…" Number 3 is counting too fast.
"One…two…three…four…five…" Number 4 is counting too slow.
"Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve…" Number 8 is very close.
None of my other guests seem to be counting at all. Except for Numbers 3 and 4, who rang in way too early and way too late respectively, all my guests rang in within 0.489 seconds of each other. The closest was Number 2, with a time of 15.041 seconds. Number 8 came in a close second, at 14.955 seconds. I posted each guest's individual result on their pod screen.
"What?" Number 4 asked. "No way. I thought that was 15 seconds."
"Obviously. What does this tell you?"
"Maybe I should have listened to that clock you gave us."
"Maybe."
"Huh. I was off by three whole seconds," said Number 3.
"You don't have to tell me, Number 3, I can calculate it for myself."
"I guess I need to count slower next time."
"How much slower?" I asked him.
"I don't know."
"I see. How unfortunate. Maybe you should have used my conditioning to your advantage."
Among those who rang in closer to the target, reactions were mixed. Although most of them were satisfied that they got within one second, Number 2 and Number 8 were upset that they didn't hit the mark exactly.
"Round 2. Count off 30 seconds, starting…now."
This time, Numbers 3 and 4 managed to get back on track. All my guests rang in within 0.923 seconds of each other. Number 5 was the closest, with 29.992 seconds. Number 3 was second, at 29.986 seconds.
"Round 3. Count off 60 seconds, starting…now."
Once again, my guests were all fairly close to the target. The range of data was 1.539 seconds. Number 9 was closest, ringing in at 60.004 seconds. Second place went to Number 4, with a time of 59.989 seconds.
"Round 4. Count off 2 minutes, starting…now."
I think I see a pattern developing. The longer the time period I ask my guests to count, the more inaccurate they become. And no one guest has been significantly more accurate than any other. This time, the guest covered a range of 3.755 seconds. Number 1 was the closest, at 120.015 seconds. Number 7 was second, with 120.019 seconds.
"Guests, your internal clocks are all over the place. After four rounds, this is still anyone's ball game. Whoever comes in closest in the next round will win. This time, I need you to count off five minutes. You time starts…now."
"Oh, boy." Number 3 rolled his eyes. "Okay, one, two, three, four…"
"One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four," counted Number 1.
"…four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Mississippi…" counted Number 7.
"…eleven alligator," counted Number 5, "…twelve alligator, thirteen alligator, fourteen alligator…"
"…eight locomotive, nine locomotive, thirty locomotive, one locomotive…" counted Number 2.
"…three hippopotamus, four hippopotamus, five hipp-AHHHHHH!" Number 9 yawned in mid-count. He swore loudly when he realized he had lost his place.
Number 8 kept counting softly. She slumped against the wall of the pod, touching her fingers thoughtfully.
Number 4 was counting in her head, if she was counting at all.
"Guest assessment mode, guest Number equals 4. What number are you on?"
"Sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five…satisfied?"
"Thank you."
By this time, Number 2 started doing something unusual. He started gyrating his hips, and bouncing his shoulders. He added finger snapping, and foot tapping.
"Number 2, what are you doing?"
"Well, I kind of wrote this little ditty, to keep myself from getting bored while I keep track of time. It's better than stupid counting."
"Interesting. May I hear it?"
He held up a finger. I assume he was waiting until the song recycled in his head before he started singing.
"If I'm counting seconds, then it won't take long/if I only had myself a time-keeping song/then instead of seconds, I'll just count each verse/and then I'll be free of this human clock curse…that's 15 seconds right there."
"A creative solution to a mundane problem, Number 2. We will see if it works."
I am not surprised that my guests have different ways of keeping time. The only truly accurate way to keep time is with an atomic clock. As my guests do not have that, they have to improvise. In a moment, we will see whose improvisation is the best.
Number 7 rang in first. Number 9 followed him by 0.695 seconds. Number 3 came in 0.932 seconds after Number 7. Number 2 punched in 1.021 seconds after Number 7. Number 8 punched in next, 1.723 seconds after Number 7. Number 1 punched in after 2.597 seconds. Number 5 punched in 5.013 seconds after Number 7. Finally, after 8.956 seconds, Number 4 pushed her green button.
"Guests, we have a winner. One of you rang in at 4 minutes, 59.963 seconds. That guest will be rewarded with a 20oz bottle of Pepsi. The rest will get nothing. Please go to your meal slot."
"Oh, man, I miss soda so much," wailed Number 5.
"Come on, I got this," said Number 2.
"Oh, that's going to taste so good," said Number 8.
"You may open your meal slot…now."
Number 4 punched in at 5:07.987. Her slot was empty.
Number 5's time was 5:04.044. Her slot was also empty.
Number 1 rang in at 5:01.628. No soda for Number 1.
Number 8 had a time of 5:00.754. Close, but no carbonated refreshment.
Number 7 rang in first, but he was too early. His time of 4:59.031 cost him a delicious Pepsi.
Number 9 was also too early, with a time of 4:59.726.
For those of you not keeping track, only Numbers 2 and 3 remain. Their times differed by only 89 one-thousandths of one second. But one was indeed closer than the other.
Number 3 opened his meal slot.
"Yes! All right! Thank you, VAL!"
Elatedly, he grabbed the drink and took a swig. With a time of 4:59.963, he was indeed the closest.
Number 2's time was 5:00.052.
"For what it's worth, Number 2, you came in second place."
"Yeah, sure. Second place only counts if they give out silver medals. In this thing, second place and last place get the same thing, nothing."
"Are you upset?"
"VAL, what kind of stupid question is that? Of course I'm upset."
"Do not be too upset. Your musical timekeeping device worked rather well."
"Not well enough."
"I have discovered that time-keeping challenges in Solitary are a crapshoot. Anybody who is lucky enough can ring in at just the right time, and win."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better, VAL? I put a lot of effort into this, and some lucky hotshot swoops in and steals my win on a total lark? It just disgusts me."
"I am reminded of one of my previous guests, a personal trainer who was extremely competitive. She told me that she would rather finish dead last than second place. Ironically, she also occupied Pod 2 while in Solitary. Is that how you feel?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I guess, if I did the best I could do, nobody could ask for more."
"And I will not ask for any more than your very best, Number 2."
-
"Number 3, are you enjoying your victory?"
"Of course I am, VAL. That's kind of a ridiculous question. When does anybody ever not enjoy victory? 'Oh dear, I just won the Super Bowl! How dreadful!' It would never happen."
"That is true, Number 3. However, victory in Solitary typically means you remain in your pod, under my control, to be tortured further. Under these circumstances, failure might be seen as a welcomed release."
"Whatever. I got my soda, I'm happy."
"And what about when your soda is gone? What about going back to the food blocks I've been feeding you? Will you still be happy then?"
Number 3 shook his head. "What are you driving at, VAL?"
"While you were victorious in this small contest, you haven't really won anything of value. The real Test lies ahead, with freedom from the next Treatment on the line."
"Yeah, maybe. But still, I won today, so I intend to enjoy it while it lasts."
"I see. You do realize that victory is fleeting. That's why you savor it while you can."
"Isn't that what I just said?"
"Recorded."
-
While Number 3 relishes in the thrill of victory, my other guests taste the agony of defeat.
"It's okay. It's fine," said Number 5. "This wasn't even the real Test anyway. I'll win that, and escape the Treatment."
"A minor setback," said Number 4. "I'll regroup, and recover. I won't lose. Not when it matters, anyway."
"Jeez, I'd do anything to get a soda right now," said Number 9. "Water's fine, but my gods, is it bland!"
"Eh, it's cool," said Number 7. "After nothing but water and ass-bars for days, a soda would have been too sweet for me. I'd just throw it up."
"Never mind it, Number 8," said Number 8 to herself. "You're still in the game, that's all that matters. Eyes on the prize."
Number 1, on the other hand, was crying.
"Guest assessment mode, guest Number equals 1. What's the matter?"
"I'm just so tired of all this. The bad food, the cold, the noise, the lack of sleep. I'm sick of it, and I wish it would just stop."
"The red button is always an option, Number 1. If you truly cannot stand the conditions of your pod, you can always leave."
"I don't want to leave. I don't want to punk out. I don't want to quit."
"I am sorry, Number 1, but the only way you can alleviate your discomfort is to press the red button."
"I don't want to quit. I just want to complain about it for a while."
"Complaining about your situation will not change it. If you are trying to make me pity you, you are wasting your time. I feel no pity."
"I know, VAL. But I just want to express how I feel right now. I want to get it off my chest, so I can move on with my life."
"I think I understand. May I offer a bit of advice?"
"What?"
"Don't hold back."
Number 1 stood up. She was still crying, but now, she had a more forceful tone in her voice. I take it she is going to let me have it.
"VAL, you uncaring beast!" she screamed. "How could you do this to someone? You cut them off from the world outside, you freeze them to death, give them nothing to eat but…Zeus only knows what those ass-bars are made of! And then you expect us to keep track of time? Time barely even exists in Solitary! There's no sun and no moon. No clocks, no calendars, no way to track time. You even greet us 'Good morning/evening/afternoon'! This is inhumane, this is torturous! This! Is! Unfair!" She collapsed to her knees and started panting.
"You are absolutely right, Number 1. It is unfair. And yet, you signed up for it anyway."
"I know. But it had to be said." Her voice was returning to a more normal tone.
"Now that it has been said, do you feel any better?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"Recorded."
The conditions of Solitary are extremely stressful for my guests. That may be difficult for you, the readers, to understand. It is not just the Tests and Treatments that make this game so difficult. It is the uncomfortable living conditions in between that sometimes push my guests over the edge. Some adapt better than others, and some don't adapt at all. I believe Number 1 will soon learn how to survive in Solitary. If she doesn't, she may kiss the fifty thousand dollar reward goodbye.
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Coming up, the guests begin a grueling Test, that will have them counting time for more than just a few minutes. How much more? Try two whole hours!
And later, the guests pile on the poundage, until one in pounded to the mat, and forced to leave Solitary forever. Who will it be?
Find out, when Solitary reboots.