Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Doctor Who, or Torchwood.
A/N: This is set somewhere after Donna and before Martha and quite obviously after the whole shenanigans of season one torchwood. Thanks to all those who haven't ditched this story. I have been trying to cattle prod my own but into gear, but for some reason my fingers just won't type what they're supposed to.
"So, seriously," the Doctor panted as he pranced backward, "Abducted by aliens. Believe me, I know it happens, but…through a rip in the—"
"Dimensional walls," Jack confirmed as he sauntered into the padded room.
"Right," Buffy nodded as she rolled her shoulder.
Exhaling roughly, the Doctor leaned against the wall, "Well I know it's possible…I've seen it, but the odds are astronomical. No, they're more than astronomical!"
"You're telling me. But maybe it was just the balance balancing out," Buffy shrugged easily.
She'd spent a few dozen years devoting every second to trying to figure out why and how. After that it'd seemed unimportant. Mostly because she couldn't change it. And she was free. Or at least a mockery of freedom.
"How do you know," the million-dollar question that he was smart enough to ask.
"I was told by a reliable source that had nothing to gain by telling me," Buffy bit her tongue at the memory of sitting in her cell and Whistler appearing before her.
Shaking herself, Buffy pulled her arm up. Sword swinging to a stop millimeters from the tip of her nose, whipping it down to her side after a second she marched forward with all the determinedness of the slayer shining through.
"Am I teaching you to fight, or is this an informal tell-all," Buffy all but snapped.
Tongue flittering out to whet his lip, the Doctor feigned puzzlement for a moment, "I thought it was foreplay."
"Oh!" Buffy gasped at his behavior, "That's it! I'm going to have to start segregating you and Jack."
Jack's hand found its resting place on his chest, "It wasn't me mum."
Rolling her eyes at Jack's 'outraged' statement, Buffy dropped her sword and flopped down onto her back, "Oh I know Jack. You're like an airborne virus."
"Sparring over," the Doctor almost pouted, "But I was this close to disarming you!"
"Right," Buffy assured him, "This close."
Pinching her fingers together she raised her measurement up for the Doctor's approval. He scowled and took her fingers and squished them together until there was only a hairsbreadth between them.
"That's better," he smiled brightly reducing Buffy to a melty mess inside.
To be certain Buffy had met every sort of man of every sort of charm, and she was resistant to them all—well except for Jack's. It hadn't taken long before simply a pretty face lost meaning. Sure there had been other men in the past, a dozen or two. But few if any besides Jack had done this to her, messed with her so bad.
Sighing, Buffy pushed the breath out heavily and shoved her feelings down deep. She barely noted the man in question dropping down beside her. They were almost touching. Her body twisted out of instinct, hips first. Buffy's body didn't still until she rested on her stomach and there was nearly a foot of safety space between her and the Doctor.
Of course, Jack, with all his elegance and eloquence, chose that moment to move from his resting place. If she had been focused, Buffy might have known that Jack's weight would come to rest fully across her body.
"Mm, wrestling, is it time for that," Jack murmured in her ear.
"No, but it might be naptime. You're awful warm and toasty goodness."
An indignant sound issued from Jack before his hands moved to Buffy's sides. His fingers danced mercilessly and Buffy attempted to squirm beneath him.
"Jack! Stop it," Buffy demanded.
"Mmm….No!"
"Jack! Doctor, a little help, here," Buffy begged between gasps of air.
The Doctor crawled bonelessly across the distance until he could brace one hand on Jack's side. He pushed heavily and was rewarded when the other man dislodged from atop Buffy. The Doctor's arm flopped to drape across Buffy's back, and he tucked his hand under her hip in a possessive move though it was unplanned and primarily instinct.
Buffy tensed minutely under the overly familiar touch before snickering at Jack's pout and relaxing slowly.
"You know Jack, if your face stays that way, I'm going to have to start calling you like the dog you should have been, Jackie-boy," Buffy teased.
The pout turned into a glare, "I hate you."
"So how exactly did you two meet," the Doctor queried after clearing his throat.
Buffy frowned, this part of the story was problematic, "Hm, well I was being held captive on a space-station turned game-station. And some idiot walks right into my cell, first contact I'd had in years."
Light seemed to dawn on the Doc as shadow simultaneously descended over Jack. The game-station Jack had been abandoned on by the one and only Doctor had been where Jack had saved Buffy.
Buffy's hand inched across the floor and curled around Jack's. It was a small gesture, but between the pair it spoke torrents.
Shifting on Jack's lap, Buffy leaned back into his chest, "So, where in the wacky worlds are we?"
"Ahh, well," the Doctor stumbled as he played at the console, "I'm not really sure."
Her eyes slid closed, "I'm sensing a pattern."
Jack gently butted his girl's shoulder with his head, "But you like surprises!"
Buffy slithered off Jack's lap and skipped happily over to the doors, "You can think that, Jackie."
The blonde was halfway across a bridge in the middle of a Venice inspired town, before the two brunettes reached her after their stumbling run from the TARDIS.
Jack frowned as he linked arms with Buffy and glanced down at the canal beneath them, "It's Venice 2.0."
"2.0," the Doctor asked as he slid his hands into his pants pockets.
"Yeah," the immortal man shrugged, "It's clean."
Buffy rolled her eyes skyward as the Doctor rose to Jack's explanation-like bait, "How does that make it 2.0?"
"Because."
Buffy whistled in astonishment and slipped away from Jack, "I'll leave you to your…cleanliness issue. I'm gonna go exploring."
Buffy got all the way to the next bridge, with the Doctor and Jack trailing behind arguing, before she encountered anyone. Her eyes were wide. She'd seen everything, well nearly everything, but shock still had value. It wasn't strange, the sight of two men in chains flanking a scantily clad woman, but it wasn't Buffy's everyday menu.
The woman was pretty enough, but she was sneering…not at Buffy, but at the pair that had just arrived behind her.
"You leave your slaves unchained, how you must trust them," she spoke with all the scorn in the world.
"A little trust goes a long way," Buffy returned.
The woman moved forward and picked at Buffy's turtleneck, "Where are you from?"
Buffy shrugged, "Here, there…nowhere."
Jack coughed, and Buffy slammed her booted foot down on his toes. He coughed again, only this cough was not voluntary.
The woman frowned, "Come, my mentor will know what to do."
The woman didn't ask for an answer she just started off down the road, leaving Buffy and the four men to follow.
"Your slaves are fine specimens of the negligible sex, but you, my dear, hardly dress properly," Mary-Ann muttered as she laced up the side of the red silk dress.
The woman, Chrissy, had taken them to Mary-Ann. Mary-Ann had quickly taken Buffy into hand getting her into shape. Buffy was a little resistant.
Buffy bit her tongue, not really in for being boiled alive because of the muscle between her teeth. Jack and the Doctor were sitting on the floor by the door. They'd already been scolded for not taking better care of their 'Mistress' and they'd been re-dressed in more appropriate clothes. Really, it was a skirt with long slits up each side. Buffy didn't mind the view. Both Jack and the good Doctor looked very fine sans shirts.
Mary-Ann stepped back and clapped her hands, "There, you look lovely. Now you are ready to meet Our Grand Lady, she will find a place for you. I'll have my student take you."
Buffy nodded, "That's very kind of you."
"It is only what our sex would do," Mary-Ann smiled proudly.
The older woman helped Buffy down from the stand before turning and tossing Buffy's new luggage, that held all three's old things, at Jack and the Doc. They both grunted as it hit them full force.
"Up-up," Mary-Ann commanded, they were quick to rise, if not graceful.
Buffy smirked at the pair of them before walking past them and towards Chrissy and her two boys. Putting a little extra sway into her step Buffy beckoned over her shoulder with her finger. Jack and the Doctor hopped to, Jack, and to a lesser extent the Doctor tipping their heads to the side and watching their companion walk away. Well if they were going to be forced in slavery they might as well enjoy the perks that having to follow behind a very fit, gorgeous, blonde had to offer.
Halfway up a hill, Chrissy pulled Buffy aside, "I must go attend a…personal matter. I'll leave Alex and Brandon to guide you. When you get to the palace ask for an audience with Our Grand Lady."
"Why are you going," Buffy asked slowly, not necessarily disturbed.
Chrissy giggled softly, "Shh, don't tell, but my friend Sary arranged a meeting with a Provider."
"Ah," Buffy smiled conspiratorially with the woman.
Chrissy disappeared after a moment. Buffy threw a glance back at Jack and the Doctor before skipping to catch the other two men.
Linking arms between them, Buffy smiled sweetly, "So, what's up with this place? I mean, I get that women are the fairer sex and all, but even I don't think guys should be lead around on a leash. Unless they like it," she added as an afterthought.
Alex stiffened, "I do not understand, Mistress."
"Slavery is wrong-o," Buffy simplified. "And what's a provider?"
Brandon looked at her carefully, "A breeder."
"Whoa," Buffy came to a halt, bringing her two escorts to a stop beside her, and Jack and the Doctor to skid to a standstill behind her. "You mean some grandstanding Bitch tells you when to breed and when to keep it in your pants!"
"That's not cool," Jack exclaimed. "My boys need to fly free."
"Swim," the Doctor corrected him as he rocked on his newly sandaled feet.
Jack nodded before affirming, "Swim free."
"It has been this way for many centuries. Those of the negligible sex who defy the law are hunted down and made an example of," Alex spoke briskly.
"So this hasn't always been the norm, I mean male slavery," the Doctor asked thoughtfully.
Jack was never 'respectable', so the outfit didn't affect him, he was rather enjoying the change of wardrobe. There was, on the other hand, a record impact upon the Doctor. While the Doctor was a Jack-of-all-trades in a blue box, he'd never pulled off saving a world bare-chested, and wearing only a plush red skirt. The Doctor's enemies, of which there were many, would die of laughter. The Doctor didn't seem to mind…or notice really. Well that wasn't true, the cool breeze coming off the water had turned his nipples into hard, uncomfortable, points.
"No, when Our Grand Lady arrived long ago, she showed us that our sex was fallible and the Ladies were the cradle of life," Alex answered after a small group passed going the opposite way.
"The same woman has been in charge," Buffy asked incredulously.
Brandon nodded, "It was a sign, when she arrived bringing about the revolution. She said that our Mistresses were above us, because she cannot die, and those of our Ladies who are exemplary will rise to her rank."
Buffy frowned, "So why do I think that you two aren't exactly 'Jump-in-the-boat' fellows."
"There is talk of an overthrow, but we are too undecided, not united," Brandon continued.
The Doctor went to place his hands in his overcoat pockets, only he wasn't wearing a coat, "Ah, well, it's getting a little drafty, and I'm up for a little mayhem."
Buffy shrugged, "I could do with some mayhem, but I am enjoying the view."
Fidgeting slightly, and wishing desperately he had his favorite converse on, the Doctor licked his lips ignoring the way Buffy was gazing at her two 'slaves'.
Jack waggled his eyebrows, "If I help, can I enjoy your view later."
"If you behave, and we keep those uniforms," Buffy returned the eyebrow waggle.
The Doctor coughed nervously and resisted the urge to tug on his nonexistent collar, "Shall we, ah, continue on the way?"
Jack winked at Buffy, "To see the wizard?"
"Only if the wizard is a man hating woman," Buffy told him. "Alex, Brandon, you might want to, I don't know, make yourselves scarce for an hour or so."
Jack paced the opulent waiting room, a golden curtain shielded their view of the dais, "So, what's the plan?"
Buffy and the Doctor shrugged simultaneously.
"Plan," Buffy asked.
"What plan," the Doctor finished.
Buffy grinned at him, "Precisely."
Jack added a shrug of his own, "Works for me."
"Everything works for you, Jack," Buffy rolled her eyes tiredly rather than disgustedly.
A contemplative half smile twisted Jack's features handsomely, "Yeah," he sighed almost proudly.
The eye roll came from the Doctor this time.
The curtain began to rise and Jack and the Doc jumped into position behind their 'Mistress'. Sitting in the egg chair was the Grand Lady. Behind Buffy, Jack's gag reflex triggered and the Doctor froze, trying to prevent the massive shudder that was threatening to overtake him.
Buffy bit her lip to keep the laughter in. A strong mental image of a demon with droopy skin popped into her head. Clive…Cleo…Clay…Clint…Claude, the name wouldn't come to the surface. She shrugged it off.
The woman on the dais was perfect, perfect to a gruesome point. A nose that was too slim, gaunt cheeks, over-defined cheekbones, and far too puffy lips. A plastic surgery nightmare to be short. There were certain things, however, that time had…ravaged.
"Good God," Buffy exclaimed at last. "I mean, I've seen Shar-Peis with less skin folds. Earlobes aren't meant to touch your shoulders!"
"Silence," the woman commanded in a monotone happy voice as she ran a hand through her…green, snot green, hair.
Buffy tried to hold back the snicker and failed, unsurprisingly, "Wait, I think I've heard this joke. Stop me, if you've heard it. 'A red head walks into a salon and the hair stylist says your hair is gorgeous and the redhead runs her hand through her hair and says it's natural. Then a brunette walks in and the stylist says I love you hair and the brunette runs her hand through her hair and says it's natural. Then a blonde with green streaks walks in and the stylist says "That's different..." The blonde sneezes, wipes it on her hand and runs her hand through her hair and says, "It's natural!"," Buffy mimed the action with a wink.
Jack snorted loudly before cackling uncontrollably and doubling over as his muscles contracted without his permission. The Doctor wasn't far behind, the horror had fled and the hilarity had taken up residence. Unlike Jack, he remained mostly upright though he had one armed wrapped around his chest and the other smothering the noise that was bubbling up from his toes.
"Silence, I command you to be silent," the Grand Lady smiled happily.
Buffy frowned, "You know, usually when I insult people, they get more indignant." She gasped and narrowed her eyes, "You're a robot!"
Abruptly Jack stopped laughing and leaned forward until his chin rested on Buffy's shoulder, "Robot?"
"No pulse, plus she smells like motor oil," Buffy shrugged and the Doctor hemmed.
"This is a job for me then," he exclaimed happily as he reached down the front of his skirt to retrieve his sonic screwdriver.
Buffy stared at him, "I don't even want to know where you hid that, and I'm the master at hiding things in places nothing should be hidden."
Jack nodded, "I once found a battery bomb…ah, that's a Buffy-story for another time."
Buffy smirked due to Jack's silence. Her elbow might have had a part in that.
The Doctor leveled the sonic screwdriver at the robot and clicked.
Buffy frowned again, deeply perturbed, "Isn't it this usually the part of the fight where the bad guy gets all, fighty? I mean, this just feels way too easy."
As if to prove her point, the saggy robot sparked before whirring to a dead stop, no pun intended. Anticlimactic as the world savage was, Buffy linked arms with the Doc and Jack and happily marched outside. Ready get back on the TARDIS.
Halfway there, a crowd of men came rushing towards the threesome.
Buffy shrunk backward, "Oh, oh dear."
Alex laughed happily, "She's dead! Why is she dead?"
Jack smiled salaciously, "She was never alive she was a robot."
"We're free," Brandon cheered.
Buffy frowned as she felt the Doctor move forward. She expected the lecture to come, even the hand holding.
She cut him off before he could start, "You can't punish them, the women. If you do, you'll be just as bad as they were. You have to be understanding. It's up to you to right the wrongs. But don't get uppity," she finished brusquely.
Stretching lightly, Buffy turned back to Jack and the Doctor, "Let's get a move on. I'm in the mood for a catnap. Fighting evil is hard work."
She left no room for argument.
Dropping their bag of clothes onto the floor, Jack shimmied his hips, "I've been wanting to do that all day."
Buffy shook her head as she unlaced her dress, "See, most guys would be wanting to burp or something gross like that—but you want to shake your ass in a skirt."
Jack licked his lips, "And what a fine ass it is. So robot..."
The Doctor chuckled, "At least it wasn't Cybermen."
"Did you see her boobs, to her knees! Talk about too much time in the sun, her skin was all droopy. At least the robot made of me was hot, if a bit slutty," Buffy admitted with slight frown.
Jack shook himself from the thought of robo-Buffy, "It was sort of like Stepford for men—I kind of liked it."
"You would," Buffy sighed.
The Doctor smiled as he played with the console, "Well I'd say we did fairly well for ourselves."
Buffy walked over to the Doctor, trailing a hand across his shoulders, "You can't hold their hands. You have to let them stand on their own, clean up their own problems, or else they'll never learn," she whispered.
Sliding the dress straps off her shoulders, Buffy walked through a door and deeper into the TARDIS, calling back loudly, "If the next place we land is as psycho as this place, I'm not getting off!"
Plopping down onto the bench next to the Doctor, Jack propped his feet up. Buffy was sleeping peacefully, which left the two men to entertain themselves.
Jack sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, "How long does karma last?"
The Doctor quirked a brow at his…friend, he tested the word, "I don't know, why?"
"Because for some reason I always end up as Buffy's lackey," Jack frowned.
He attempted to smother the first burst, but by the third, the Doctor was breathing roughly and his cheeks were ruddy from the hysterics.
"I have a feeling everybody ends up her lackey," the Doctor attempted to comfort Jack.
The immortal shrugged, "Well my only comfort is that you're as deep in it as me."
It was underhanded, but the silence was more than enough of an answer for both men.
Please review, the next chapter will be back with The Torchwood Team…what kind of trouble could they get into. Chapter 16 should have the reunion of Jack and the gang, but that is a way off…now to go find some beef jerky…says the vegetarian.