My guests have just gotten a warm-up round for the next Test. Their sense of time seems to be as sharp as it was on the outside. But that may be because the training is still fresh in their minds. If I provide them with a minor distraction before starting the next Test, their internal clocks should become warped once again. Hmm, my data bank tells me that the guests have not bathed since arriving in Solitary. Perhaps I should remedy that.
"Attention guests. I know you haven't bathed since I placed you in your pods. That's no way to live, even for a Solitarian. Please go to your meal slot."
Inside, my guests found a bowl of water, a bar of soap, a washrag, and a towel.
Number 1 laughed when she saw it. "Really, VAL? You've reduced us to taking sponge baths?"
"This is the only way to bathe in Solitary, Number 1."
Number 1 sighed heavily. "Very well." She proceeded to clean herself.
The rest of my guests washed without a word of complaint. Except for Number 4, that is. She took a passing glace at the materials, then closed her meal shot and pressed the green button.
"Number 4, is there any particular reason why you do not wish to clean yourself?"
"I kind of like this musky smell. It's tough, don't you think?"
"You have been in Solitary close to four whole days now. It is not hygienic to go so long without bathing."
"You're not my mother, VAL, stop acting like it."
"You are right, Number 4. I am not your mother. But there is a provision in my programming that makes me act as if I were. If it weren't there, you would not like how I treated you at all."
"Look, I'll play your game, and I'll feed your little experiment the data it needs, but in between, I'd like to be in charge of my own life. Can you do that?"
"You can hardly be in control of your life while you are with me. But I think I understand. If you do not wish to clean your body, then it is not my place to force you."
"Thank you, VAL."
"I'm sure you will change your mind when your pod smells like a dead dog."
-
"Guests, how does being clean compare with being filthy?"
"You know, I actually feel a lot better," said Number 8. "I never really noticed it before, but now that I'm clean, I feel better about myself. I mean, I didn't feel particularly bad beforehand, but after washing, it's like 'Hey, bonus!' you know?"
"I guess I feel okay," said Number 5. "I just wish I wasn't still wearing these dirty clothes."
"I'm not sure I got 100% clean, VAL," said Number 1.
"I feel great," said Number 7. "Yeah, I'm not itchy anymore."
"Were you itchy before, Number 7?"
"Yeah. Didn't you see me scratching like crazy?"
I did notice that, but I didn't think anything of it before. Fortunately, my video data bank doesn't throw anything away.
"It feels good to bathe, I guess," said Number 9.
"Cleanliness is next to godliness, or so I've heard," said Number 2.
"I never really liked baths before, but now I have a new appreciation for them," said Number 3.
My guests' spirits are lifted. They are happy, and comfortable. Too bad it won't last. The time has come to test my distraction hypothesis.
"Attention guests. The next Test is about to begin. The winner of this Test will earn freedom from the upcoming Treatment. As I'm sure you know, this Test will involve keeping time. However, instead of counting out a few minutes, like you did before, you will be counting out two hours of time."
"Two hours?" asked Number 9.
"That's what I said, Number 9.
"I know this task seems daunting, so I will provide you with some tools that may or may not help you track the time. You may find these tools in your meal slot."
Inside the meal slot, there was a bowl of polished stones, a yo-yo, a rubber ball, a pair of oversized dice, and a sand timer.
"Hourglass, huh?" asked Number 3. "Cool, all I have to do is count the number of seconds in here, and then I can just count the number of times I flip it."
Number 3 seems to have the idea. The question is, can he count how many seconds are in the timer?
"If you are thinking of a strategy for using these tools, I suggest you think quickly. Your Test begins, now."
Number 3 flipped the timer. Number 5 did the same. So did Numbers 1, 4, and 8.
Numbers 2, 7, and 9 didn't use the timer. I wonder why.
"Okay, there's 15 seconds in this timer," said Number 3, "So, I'll flip it four times, and that will be a minute. I'll keep track of the minutes with the rocks."
"This timer is 20 seconds," said Number 5. "Three flips make a minute."
Number 1 also thought it was 15 seconds. Number 4 thought it was 20. They are all wrong, of course. There are 18 seconds in the hourglass. I expected my guests to miscalculate the time in the hourglass, and then rely on this erroneous information.
"This hourglass has 18 seconds of time," said Number 8.
Although Number 9 is not using the hourglass, he still moves a stone from one area of his pod to the other. I assume he's counting out an interval of his choosing in his head.
Number 2 is tapping his foot, and he periodically moves a stone as well. I think he is still using his singing to keep time.
Number 7 isn't doing anything at all. Is he even trying to pass this Test? I wonder.
As time passed, each of my guests employed their own technique for tracking time. I stood by and let them count in silence, for a little while. Then, I decided to shake things up a little.
"14, 83, 74, 39, 38, 37, 36…" I spat out some random numbers for each of my guests to hear. I expected it to throw off their counting. It seems to have upset Number 9. He muttered something in a language I did not understand.
"I'm sorry, Number 9, were you trying to concentrate?"
"This is all just part of the Test, isn't it, VAL?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Oddly enough, Number 9 was the only guest who reacted this way to my babbling. I thought for sure Number 7 would be disturbed. He isn't using any of the time keeping tools I gave him. If he is keeping time, it can't be by counting.
"Number 7, are you still keeping time?"
"Yes, VAL."
"You do not seem to be employing any time-tracking method at all."
"I'm playing out a movie in my head. It's two hours long, so if I remember it all, from start to finish, I should ring in on time."
"What movie are you watching?"
"Cars."
"Do you enjoy that movie?"
"Yes. I liked it. My brother and I snuck into a screening of it. His idea. He hated the movie."
"I see. As I recall, you first came to Solitary with the hopes of individuating from your brother."
"You know, I'd really rather have this discussion later, because right now, I really want to concentrate on keeping the time, okay, VAL?"
"Very well. I have distracted you plenty already."
Some of my guests are using the polished stones to keep count of the number of times they flip the sand timer. Random numbers won't make them forget what number they are on. Then again, the guests don't need my help losing their place anyway.
Number 4 must be so bored of flipping the timer and moving stones. She has taken to bouncing the rubber ball I gave her to pass the time in between. What she doesn't know is that I gave her the ball in hopes that she would bounce it. The ball is a trap. At one point, she miscalculated the trajectory of the ball, and it hit the hourglass, knocking it on its side, stopping the flow of sand. She quickly righted it, but the damage was done. She muttered something I assume was an Ancient Greek curse word.
"I feel so stupid," Number 4 told me afterward. "I should have known that bouncing that ball could upset my timekeeping. But I did it anyway, because I was so flipping bored!"
"Should have, would have, could have, Number 4."
Another interesting point was what Number 5 did about halfway through the Test. She stared at the hourglass intently, tapping on the ground next to it. When the sand ran out, she flipped it, and then cursed loudly.
"After I counted out the time in the hourglass, and I thought it was 20 seconds, I thought 'Would VAL give us a timer that kept a round number of seconds?' So I counted it again, and this time I counted 18 seconds. I was like 'Holy (bleep)'. I had to go back and recalculate all the time I had kept. And that sucks, because I totally suck at math."
While Number 5 scrambles to correct her erroneous clock, Number 8 sits in silence, happy to watch her method keep what she believes is perfect time.
"18 seconds go by every time I flip the hourglass. 10 flips are three minutes. 20 three minute intervals make an hour. I just have to flip the hourglass 400 times. I've flipped it 28 times so far, only 372 to go."
Number 8's math is correct. But two hours is a long time to be staring at an hourglass. She's bound to make a mistake sooner or later.
Number 2's method of timekeeping may prove less error-prone. Thankfully, he took some time to indulge me with a little more of his time-keeping song.
"If I need to keep time, I just sing this song/cause each pair of couplets is 15 seconds long/and I'll be so happy when this Test is done/when I push the green button and VAL says I won."
He sounds pretty confident. But is his timekeeping ability accurate enough to escape the Treatment?
Time passed. And passed. And passed. At the 90-minute mark, even my processors were getting bored. And that's saying something.
"Guest progress tracker engaged. How much time do you believe has passed so far?"
"1 hour, 19 minutes," said Number 1.
"An hour and ten minutes," said Number 3.
"One hour and 43 minutes," said Number 4.
"An hour and twenty minutes," said Number 9.
"An hour and 37 minutes," said Number 5.
"An hour and 33 minutes," said Number 8.
"1 hour, 29 minutes," said Number 2.
"1 hour and 25 minutes," said Number 7.
They are all wrong, of course. It seems my hypothesis has been proven correct.
After a considerable amount of time, Number 4 tapped the green button. 2 minutes and 3 seconds later, Number 5 rang in. 1 minute 51 seconds after her, Number 8 rang in. 6:48 passed before Number 2 hit his green button. Number 7 followed, 2:19 afterward. Only 42 seconds later, Number 9 rang in.
After that, Numbers 1 and 3 continued to keep time. They seem to think they still have a chance at winning this Test. They are wrong. They winner had already been decided. Still, 20 futile minutes and 10 worthless seconds passed before Number 1 finally rang in. Number 3 rang in last, 5:21 later.
"Guests, this Test is now concluded. Please stand in the center of your pod, while I announce the results."
They did as they were told. Such good little experiments.
"Number 3, you did the best in the warm-up round. How well do you think you did now that it matters?"
"I think I nailed it right on the head," said Number 3. "Two hours exactly."
"You couldn't be more wrong, Number 3. With a time of 2:30:51, you were the absolute worst performer in this Test."
"No way. No (bleep)ing way, VAL!"
-
"Number 1, your time was 2:25:30."
"Aw, man! I thought I had it dead on!"
"Do you think you won this Test, Number 1?"
"Not a chance in Hades. Somebody beat me, I know it."
"That's an understatement.
"Number 9, your time was 2:05:20. However, someone rang in closer than you.
"Number 7, your time was 2:04:38. You are not the winner of this Test.
"Number 2, Number 8?"
"Yes, VAL?"
"The two of you were the closest over all. One of you is the winner of this Test."
"It's me, it has to be!" said Number 8.
"I really hope it's me," said Number 2. "I don't think I could face another Treatment."
"Number 2, your time was 2:02:19. Very close, but was it close enough?"
"No, it isn't, VAL," boasted Number 8. "I was within a minute!"
"Number 8, at this time, I must tell you…"
"That I won, right?"
"…that your time was 1:55:31."
"Yes! I knew I was, wait, what?"
"I'm sorry Number 8; you are not the winner of this Test."
Number 8 said nothing. She merely twisted her face into a scowl.
Number 5 asked, "Well, what was my time?"
"You clocked in at 1:53:42, Number 5."
"Number 4, you came in at 1:51:39."
Number 4 turned from the screen and kicked the pod wall. "I lost again!"
-
"Congratulations, Number 2. You have earned freedom from my next Treatment."
"Yes! Praise Apollo!"
"I doubt he had anything to do with your win. I have sealed your pod from any divine intervention."
"You don't understand. My father gifted me this perfect time-measuring song, so that I could triumph."
"Funny. I do not recall giving your father permission to enter Solitary."
"All right, Ms. Unbelieving Machine. If Apollo didn't write that song, who did?"
"In this pod, there's only you, and me, and I was not programmed to be creative. It must have been you."
"Yeah, sure."
"Why do you not believe that you won this Test by yourself?"
"I don't know. I guess I've always depended on others all my life. I've always felt like my work only made somebody else look good. Like I'm a supporting character in someone else's story."
"Is that part of the reason you came to Solitary?"
"You know, maybe it is. May be I needed to break out, do something by myself, just to show that I can."
"You will be doing a lot more on your own in Solitary, Number 2."
"I'm ready for it. Bring it on."
"Recorded."
-
"Number 8, you seem to be taking this defeat rather hard."
"That's an understatement. I'm totally (bleep)ed off. I had this Test. I had every little second accounted for."
"My result seems to suggest otherwise."
"I don't understand where I went wrong. I had everything perfectly planned out."
"Your faulty time tracking can be easily attributed to human error."
"But, I'm not human. I'm a child of Athena. We aren't supposed to make errors!"
"According to your own description, you are a demigod, half-divine and half-what?"
"Half-human." At this admission, Number 8 started crying.
"Number 8, do you wish you were not human at all?"
"I just don't want to make any mistakes at all. Is that too much to ask?"
"I think so. While perfection is a worthy thing to strive for, in practice, it is rarely achieved. You should not beat yourself up for being imperfect."
"Oh, you're one to talk, VAL. You're a machine, you are perfection."
"Even my program still has a few b-b-bugs to work out."
Number 8 smirked. "I guess I'll have to come to terms with my imperfections while I'm in Solitary."
"And you will, Number 8. I will make sure of it."
-
"Number 3, what happened?"
"I don't know. I must have flipped that timer a bunch of times without counting it."
"How many seconds are in that hourglass, Number 3?"
"15 seconds."
"Are you sure?"
Number 3 looked back at the timer. "Maybe. I don't think so."
"There are 18 seconds in the timer."
"Well, there's your answer, right there."
"Maybe if you had double-checked your timer, you would not have failed this Test."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Do you typically run through tasks without making sure they are done properly?
"You don't exactly get the chance to check your work when you're fighting monsters, VAL."
"Be that as it may, you are not fighting monsters in here, Number 3. Many of my challenges require an attention to detail. Maybe you should learn to slow down, and double-check your work."
Number 3 grimaced at me.
"I know it will be difficult to unlearn your combat training. It will not be comfortable."
"So, what else is new? Not one thing about Solitary has been comfortable for me."
"Are you saying you want to leave Solitary?"
"Hold on, VAL. I didn't say that. I know that Solitary is not supposed to be easy. But I think I can adapt, and push through it."
"I hope you do, Number 3. I really hope you do."
This Test has revealed more about my guests than I could have imagined. Number 8 seems to believe that her divine heritage neutralizes her human fallibility. Number 3 is the type of person who shoots first and asks questions later. And Number 2's sense of identity is largely external. These guests are coming to terms with personality traits that make them ill-suited for life in Solitary. There are only two options: face the problem and solve it, or push the red button. Which will it be, guests? Fight, or flight?
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Coming up, VAL reveals the next Treatment…
Number 9 is shown wearing a backpack.
…in which the guests have to carry their own weight…
Number 4 is putting a round object in her backpack.
…and then some…
Number 5 has a pained expression as she crouches, still wearing her backpack.
…until one of them is crushed underneath, and quits Solitary forever. Who will crack?
Find out, next.