Teenage Dream

by Lucy Samb

You/ Darren Criss fanfic. The story is about your life with Darren in high school, college and professional life among friendship,love,fights,comings and goings and how you both go through serious stuff such as bullying,suicide,discrimination and life itself. It starts when you meet Darren, a guy of your school in St. Ignatius College Preparatory who never noticed you, a loser.

67. Turn of the tide

A/N: Hey guys! I've made it to post a new chapter! Yay! The presentation of my final thesis was delayed to April 23, so, here I am! I hope you're ready to read a super long chapter! This is the longest I've written... EVER!

alicegursk: I love playing with your feelings, Alice, because I'm super cruel! haha. No, really, I'm surprised you're feeling confused! I guess it'll be a matter of time to clear up what you want to do and what to feel! Deep down, you know what you want! It was always meant to be, right? I will give you a tissue and a warm hug! Will it work to make you feel good? I'm actually relieved to hear that you're getting better; fortunately doctors found it on time! Now, the positive thing out of it is... Food! You're able to eat a lot food, delicious food! Usually, people are on diets to lose weight and it sucks, but a diet to gain weight? It seems cool! We gotta see the bright side of everything, right?

AmritSoomal: Don't be confused about your feelings, Amrit! Just think that it's very good that Freckles and Darren love each other; perhaps Brian will be happy and perhaps he'll be happy with Jen as couple as you want, or not, perhaps he'll be happy with Jen as friends, or perhaps something completely different will happen... But Darren and Freckles. Do you have the feeling that Jack will come back? Maybe! Most of your suppositions have been correct, let's see if it happens again! You still don't like February? What do you want to happen to her? And you're very welcome about the song! I'm glad you think it was adorable... And... I will give you the Darren you want! I'll have to take a flight to the USA first! 5 months? Tummy cramps and doctors haven't found what's wrong yet? Oh, I really hope they do find it soon and I hope it's not anything too bad! Let me know when you know what it is!

Stacey: Aww, thank you very much for your words, Stacy! They really made me smile. And thank you for reading the story! I'm glad you let me know your opinion! And of course I don't mind that you wrote some of my words in your book of quotes; actually, I feel kind of honored for that! It's really nice to know so. And I feel very flattered to know that I make you feel emotions with my writing; that's really hard to get, so it's like a big compliment that I want to thank you! Love triangles are always complicated and there's always someone who ends up hurt, but that doesn't mean that they will be hurt forever. Yes, I thought about Brian and Jen getting together, there are other people who want them together as well; but truth is that I can't really say that they get together at the end... Maybe something will happen that will change everything; well, not everything, but a big part. What will happen to February? Maybe you'll find it out in this chapter! You didn't have to wait till April to read next chapter! I hope it is good news for you! Thanks again for your words, Stacey! They were really nice and encouraging!

Okay guys, that was all! I hope you like this new chapter and thank you very much for continuing reading the story! I'll come back in a few weeks! I wish you a lovely week full of rainbows and unicorns! Warm fuzzies!

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TEENAGE DREAM

Chapter 67

Turn of the tide

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Three days after the New Year celebration, you woke up in the bed of the guest room of Jen's house where you were staying, because you all decided to spend another week or maybe two in here; the real reason actually was that you wanted to stay here until Brian's dad's decease, but no one dared to admit so in front of him. This was the third day that you woke up and Brian wasn't snuggled up to you as it used to be before the New Year celebration; this was the third day you woke up alone in the room and you had to admit that you already got used at waking up next to Brian and his caresses. You rolled onto your side and hugged Brian's pillow, at least it had his scent. So that you started wondering why you would want to feel his warmth, his touch, his kisses, his smell; why you would miss it all when he wasn't near you and at the same time not be able to feel in love with him, all you could feel was just an infatuation, but never further than that. It was a paradox; something that you probably would never understand. You closed your eyes and pictured Brian's face, particularly his engrossing green eyes and his dazzling and alluring smile. You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to feel enamored of him. If he was really like the perfect guy, why would it be so hard for you to get it? And then you understood that love was something else. To love was to feel light and free, it was to know that you don't intend to appropriate his heart which is not yours, that you don't get his heart by the means of a contract, you must become worthy of deserving it every day. And you were aware that you weren't worthy of his heart and his love; that was why you couldn't be in love with him. Maybe you shouldn't push yourself to feel this, maybe eventually you'd fall for him completely, maybe you'd eventually become worthy of him; you had a lot of time with him to get to feel that for real and naturally. Therefore, you got up, took a shower, and got ready to leave the bedroom and start a new day. As soon as you entered the dining room, you made sure not to make any sound not to be seen because first you wanted to take a look at all the people who were currently having breakfast. And you faced a particularly odd atmosphere, which actually wasn't so odd if you took into consideration the way everybody had been acting the last three days. Joey and Mandy were closer than ever, it wasn't weird, not even a little, to see your sister and your friend making out almost all day long and you liked it, they were made for each other. The same happened between Chuck and Lucy, but they were like more open, in regard to they weren't all the time making out, they normally interacted with others, unlike Joey and Mandy who only commented certain things. George was either taking part of the different conversations to make some jokes or reading a book or the newspapers. And Darren and February were way too distant, they rarely interacted with each other, they rarely talked, they rarely showed some kind of affection, and they often ignored each other; and you didn't know why you had this feeling that it was February the one who was pushing Darren away when he wanted to get closer. Right now, Mandy and Joey were arguing because Joey didn't want to eat his cereals; Chuck and Lucy were talking to George about history or something like that; February was sitting three seats away from Darren, too entertained reading a magazine while drinking a coffee; and Darren was alone and silent, sticking a fork in his pancakes, but not eating them at all, and he seemed to be kind of downhearted and weary. And Brian and Jen weren't there as it has been these last three days. You sighed and finally decided to announce yourself.

"Good morning, everybody!" You greeted, trying to sound cheery.

All of them looked at you and greeted; Darren was the only one who didn't say anything, but he glanced at you and gave you one weak smile before returning his gaze to his pancakes. You went to the kitchen to make a tea and then joined the rest, sitting right next to George.

"How are you this morning, George?" You asked politely, sipping your tea. "Oh! Can I steal you a cookie?" You asked and he chortled.

"Take two." He responded, handing you the cookies. "I'm pretty good, how about you, sweetie?"

"I'm fine, thanks." You answered with one soft smile.

But actually you weren't sure if you were fine, you were feeling kind of weird due to the weirdness of the situation between everybody in these days. Mostly, because you didn't know why Brian wouldn't spend so much time with you as before; just as February was distant with Darren, Brian was distant with you, not so much, though. You were a little afraid that he, somehow, knew what happened between Darren and you the night of New Year celebration; you wouldn't stand that idea.

"Do you know where your son is today?" You asked, but you were practically sure that George would answer the same he's been answering.

"No, I just woke up and he wasn't here, as usual. You know how he is, he likes jogging in the mornings. Maybe he's just desperate to impress you with his abs and all of that you girls like." He joked and you laughed out loud.

"Yes, maybe he's just jogging... However, he doesn't need to make much effort, the abs are already there." You replied trying to sound in a good mood.

Nonetheless, right after that, you turned your gaze to your tea and remained looking at it, knowing, deep down, that Brian was probably not jogging as his father thought. The idea of him knowing that you and Darren kissed, and therefore you cheated, grew in your mind and dived in your chest, making you feel terrible. Maybe it was because of the guilt and remorse you were feeling, that kind of feeling that was like a way of reminding yourself that you have done something wrong. It was like the darkest, most painful feeling in the world. You weren't sure if you should tell Brian about this or not; on one hand, you needed to confess what you have done, but on the other hand, you didn't want to hurt him by telling him. Then you thought that while making the big confession about what you have done may be a catharsis to you, you had to think seriously about what it would do to him. You would hurt him beyond any doubt, and your relationship with him would never come back the same. But then you had this other aspect that trust was the foundation of any worthy relationship and trust was built on honesty; and Brian has earned your respect, then you should confess him what you did. But if you confessed, then the trust would be gone. But Brian was wonderful and you knew he'd never do something as what you've done, he'd never cheat on you, and you had to respect him, he deserved the truth; and, after all, a relationship without trust and honesty wasn't very fulfilling. He deserved the right to know and make his own choices, either if he wanted to be with you and sort things out, or if he wanted to break up with you. And regardless of what you choose to confess, most of the time the person you cheated on will discover the truth one way or another; and the best would be if he found it out by you; you had to accept the consequences. But what if Brian told February about this? Not only you'd destroy your relationship with Brian, but also you'd destroy February and Darren's relationship and you didn't want it, you didn't want to forever be the girl who caused couples to break up. The worst of all was that you didn't even intend to cheat on Brian, you never wanted it, you never wanted to be the unfaithful girl; it just happened, the kiss was a mistake, you didn't look for it. However, the remorse, that nagging feeling that you made something inexcusable, got in over your head; and you knew that from now on you'll carry that guilt around with you. You were so deep in thought that you didn't even realize that your tea was now cold and everybody left the dining room and were now outside, playing some sort of snowball war, including George. You observed them through the window because you weren't in mood to join them; so you just smiled at seeing George having a good time and, accidentally, one single tear escaped the corner of your eye when you thought that you wished his situation could be different. Your thoughts were interrupted when you heard the sound of the front door opening. You turned your face to see Brian and Jen entering the house, with two bags and their sportswear. Perhaps George was right when he said Brian went jogging and Jen, apparently, accompanied him. You quickly stood up to walk towards them.

"Brian!" You exclaimed and your voice sounded kind of shrill, so you cleared your throat. He looked at you and grinned faintly. "Hi." You said and stood on tiptoe to peck his lips, but he stepped back.

"Sunny, I'm all sweated; you really don't wanna be near me right now." He excused himself with a short chuckle. You just frowned slightly and looked down. He not only rejected one kiss from you, but also he called you 'Sunny' and not 'baby girl'.

"Brian, why don't you give me the bags? I'll take them to the kitchen and leave you alone." Jen said and he nodded and did so, then Jen left.

"Well, I will take a shower..." Brian said and he turned on his heels to head to the bedroom.

He left before you could react. Brian hardly ever acted like this around you, so it made you feel bad, and guilty... You thought that perhaps this was what you deserved. In fact, you didn't deserve him at all; but you wanted to deserve him. Hence, you walked to the bedroom where he was. When you opened the door, you didn't see him there, but you heard the sound of the bathtub being filled with water; therefore, you walked to the bathroom and opened the door.

"Holy crap, Sunny!" Brian jumped in fear when you stormed into the bathroom. He was already naked and he was about to get into the bathtub. He covered his genitals and looked at you astonished. "Sunny, what are you doing? I'm naked!"

"It won't be the first time I see you naked, Brian." You pointed out and he sighed and uncovered his genitals to finally get into the bathtub.

You walked to there, sat on the floor and rested your elbow on the rim of the bathtub to look at him as he looked at you frowning slightly, apparently not getting what you were doing there.

"Let me bathe you." You requested softly, with a gentle grin as he raised his eyebrows and parted his lips before looking down, waving his hands under the water. "I promise I won't do anything else, just bathe you."

"Okay." He responded almost in a whisper.

You took the shampoo and began to wash his soft hair, massaging his scalp with your fingertips. You enjoyed watching his smile of pleasure while you were doing this and he was with his eyes shut.

"Ah, I really like how this feels." His whisper echoed in the bathroom.

You didn't answer anything at all, you just continued massaging his scalp as his smile grew wider and his face in general reflected sheer peace. You looked at his face with no shame, considering he wasn't looking at you because his eyes were still closed. For the same reason, you allowed yourself to shed some silent and slow tears. There was no way you could understand how you dared to cheat on a guy like him. He was really sweet and lovely with you, he was considerate with you; and in spite of all that, you disrespected him and cheated on him. You looked down, bit your lips, and squeezed your shut eyes to stop the tears; you were so concentrated doing this that you didn't notice that you stopped massaging his scalp, so that he was now looking at you.

"Hey, what's wrong, Sunny?" He asked a bit concerned.

"Nothing, I'm just feeling kind of sensitive." You responded timidly, still looking down, not able to control the tears falling down your cheeks.

You thought the best would be not to tell him what you did, at least not for now, not now that you knew he was going through a hard moment. Therefore, you tried to hold back your tears, but in your attempt to stop your cry, you let out a wail. Then you felt how his hand cupped your cheek, slowly rubbing circles on your cheek as he pressed his forehead to yours, then with his other hand under your chin, he angled your face toward him and kissed the tears away. In place of feeling better, you sobbed harder owing to this extremely sweet gesture that you did not deserve.

"If there's something that's making you feel this sensitive, you can always talk to me; yet I'll respect you if you don't want to do so." He whispered and you sniffled and fought for breath. "Is it that you're on your period?" He asked and you tittered in between the tears. You finally looked at him and you noticed his amused smile and his warm gaze.

"No, I'm not on my period." You responded, again chuckling.

"Oh, that's good, because it wouldn't be cool to go out naked when it's freaking cold outside just to buy you some tampons or something." He joked and you giggled again.

"Brian!" You snapped amused.

"I'm sorry... At least I made you laugh." He excused himself, shrugging, brushing his thumb on your cheek.

"Thanks, Bri." You whispered softly and took his hand in yours. Then you looked down and your smile faded away. "It's just that in these three last days... I've been feeling like... like we couldn't connect... like we seem to be distant and I don't want it." You confessed part of the truth, in a very shy way. You glanced at Brian through your eyelashes and found his green eyes looking at you kinda distressed. "I feel like we seldom spend time together and I just... I miss you." You tried to articulate before the lump in your throat appeared. Few tears escaped your eyes, but you took a deep breath and looked straight into his sad green eyes. "I miss waking up next to you. I miss spending time with you, I miss doing things together. I miss your caresses, your kisses, your hugs, your sweet voice telling me that you love me. I just miss you and this recent distance between us is making me feel really sad and I don't know why it happened, but I wish I could change that." You stated with brittle voice and once you finished, you bit your lower lip and stared deeply into his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to put a safe distance in order not to overwhelm you, because I know you don't like when that happens." He responded. "Just because I'm not forever by your side doesn't mean that's not precisely where I want to be."

"Yes, but what for one person may be a safe distance, for another it can be an abyss." You replied with your eyes flooded with tears as Brian looked down, gulped and pursed his lips. "It's feeling like an abyss, Brian. I feel alone when I'm not with you, even if I am with other people. I want to be with you, but you aren't there and it hurts." You added and this time it was his eyes the ones that filled with tears. "I just wanna know why you're being like this. I just wanna know why now you don't snuggle up to me at nights, why you don't wake me up with a morning kiss, why you don't have breakfast with me, why you seem to avoid my kisses and my touch, why you don't want me to accompany you whenever you go out, why you find excuses not to be near me, why you don't show me affection now, why you even stopped calling me baby girl. Help me understand what I'm doing wrong, because I'm willing to change that." You practically begged in a desperate way. Then his teary green eyes finally met yours.

"There's nothing you're doing wrong, baby girl. It's just me." He replied with wobbly voice. "I'm feeling weird." He added and you imaged the worst. For some reason his answer made you feel afflicted.

"Why? Is it that you regret being my boyfriend? Is it that you realized that you aren't in love with me? What is it?" You asked exasperated, your voice trembling. He dropped his head, closed his eyes and pursed his lips before shaking his head. After a few minutes, he directed at you one affectionate look with his green eyes twinkling.

"No, baby girl. I'm head over heels in love with you and each day I love you more and more." He whispered in an intimate and amorous way as this brought you a smile. But then a hint of distress glistened on his eyes. "But yes, I regret being your boyfriend." He whispered and you froze.

You gasped as you experienced your sight becoming blurred and dim because of the tears that automatically flooded your eyes. Well, you never actually expected him to regret this; therefore, his confession pierced your heart like a stab. You pouted and your lips began to quiver as his words continued echoing in your mind.

"Why would you regret that?" Your choppy words echoed in the bathroom. Brian avoided your gaze and he remained silent. "I... I don't get it! Why would you..." You tried to articulate but the only you managed to do was to make strangled sounds that stopped you before you could finish your question. "Why would you regret being my boyfriend if you're in love with me? It makes no sense to me!" You finally managed saying as tears dripped steadily into the rim of the bathtub.

"Yes, it makes sense." He replied and you shot him one incredulous look, while tears wouldn't stop racing down your cheeks, even if you tried to control it. "It makes sense because you'll never be happy with me, Sunny, regardless of how much I love you. That's why I regret being your boyfriend, not because I don't like the idea of having you, but because you won't be happy."

"Why would you just assume that I won't be happy?" You asked skeptically, finally wiping your tears away.

"Because I know you way too much, more than what you'd like." He responded in a whisper, his eyes looking sadly into yours.

"Then you should get to know me again, because it seems you don't know me as much as you think if you said what you said." You answered back, almost challenging, almost attacking him, even if that wasn't your intention. Brian sighed and looked down. "Don't sigh at me! Don't do that!" You demanded and it sounded as though you were furious, when in fact you were just too hurt. "If you knew me as much as you said, then you'd realize that from the moment we started dating I've been feeling genuinely happy, something that hasn't really happened in a year. So don't you dare to use as an excuse this whole thing that I won't be happy with you, because that's a lame and nonsense excuse." You clarified with shortness of breath, looking fixedly into his eyes.

You spoke nothing but the truth; while it was true that you weren't in love with him, he managed to make you feel the happiest you've felt in more than a year, in the span of time that you and Darren were separated. Brian was now looking away and he seemed to be taken aback; if it weren't because of the sorrowful grimace he recently made, you'd think he froze all of a sudden. That very stricken expression on his face broke your heart, so you breathed out to calm down.

"Don't you believe me when I tell you that I'm happy to be with you?" You asked, this time with gentle voice, taking one of his hands. "I just lost my temper because I feel frustrated; and I feel frustrated because I want to be close to you and I hate this distance that is separating us right now." You explained softly, brushing your thumb on his hand.

Then you saw a tear leaving a wet track on his cheek. Instead of asking him something, you leaned to kiss his temple; because you knew that the reason of his distress was not only about you, it probably also involved his dad and all he had to bear from Jim, and you knew that most likely was that he couldn't talk right now. As soon as you kissed his temple, he rested his head on your shoulder and let out more silent tears.

"I'm sorry, baby girl. I can't feel fine right now, I can't see anything good right now. You're not one to blame, it's me, it's just me and all that is happening." He articulated with choked voice and you stroked his wet hair. "I care." He suddenly said in a trembling voice. "I care so much that I don't know how to tell you without it seeming inconsequential compared to how I feel. Even if I'm distant at times and seem as if I don't want to be with you, it's only because this scares me."

"I know, darling. You don't have to apologize, I understand." You whispered softly, now rubbing his back and smiling warmly, even if he wasn't looking at you, his words simply touched your soul. "But I want you to keep in mind that I'll always stand by you; whenever you feel torn apart and you need someone to take your hand to help you go on, I'll always be here to give you my hand."

When you finished saying this, he raised his head and gave you a long, sweet look as you gave him an apprehensive look. Despair had not left him, but the weakness had passed. He even smiled faintly but also gratefully. He cupped your face between his hands, and when your lips touched, his skin felt soft and warm, also wet. It was the smallest, gentlest, most earth-shattering kiss in the long and glorious history of kisses, and it took your breath away. And you thought that was when you know for sure somebody loves you: When they figure out what you need and they give it to you, without you asking. In that very moment you realized that he loved you for almost everything you were, and you decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time, even if you weren't in love with him yet, that was all you needed to be quite sure of being with Brian. It didn't matter what others could say; relationships didn't always make sense, especially from the outside.

---

"I don't want you to avoid me again. It's been three days already. Can you please talk to me, Freckles?" I asked desperate, but also despondent because I knew this request would be in vain.

Freckles wouldn't stop slipping away from me whenever I tried to talk to her, taking advantage of all those moments when nobody was around. She wouldn't talk to me about what happened in the New Year's celebration, she actually wouldn't talk to me at all, not even a simple exchange of words. And I really needed to talk to her, I needed to know what she was thinking and feeling. I needed to know if the kiss meant something to her, because to me it meant everything; feeling her lips kissing mine awoke in me a feeling that I thought lost and allowed me to realize that I didn't want to be with anybody but her. But, apparently, she didn't feel the same and that was what I needed to know. Also, I needed to know if she told Brian something about us, because I was worried about it. February still didn't know and I didn't want her to know, because she was another of the problems I had: she would ignore me just as much as Freckles; therefore, I didn't want to screw this up even more. Although I didn't regret kissing Freckles, I was feeling bad and remorseful for cheating on Feb and making Freckles cheat on Brian, neither of them deserved that. Feb was my girlfriend and she always showed me she loved me, she even had the chance to cheat on me and she chose to be faithful to me, unlike me. And Brian was my bro, he became one of my best friends, and he was such a good guy, he did extraordinary things for me and all I did was to betray him. I couldn't even look at them in the eye now; I couldn't even talk to them in a natural way, because I was all the time thinking that with the things I could say they would figure out what I did. To make matters worse, I was starting to think that Brian was suspecting something, because he's been acting weird around Freckles; and February suspected this even before the night Freckles and I kissed, that was probably the reason why she was distant. And there I was, trying to get Freckles back, despite all of that shit; I just couldn't help it, I needed her in my life and not just as a friend. So, it was late at night, we recently had diner, and now everybody was in the screened porch, next to the fireplace, debating about different topics, as Freckles offered to do the dishes; therefore, we were alone in the kitchen. As usual, she ignored my request and she continued doing the dishes.

"Freckles, I don't know how else I can ask you to talk to me, then I beg you to talk to me." I repeated, approached her and, incidentally, I helped her doing the dishes. She just let out one heavy sigh.

"What do you want to talk about, Darren?" She asked kind of jaded.

"About the kiss..." I started saying, but she cut me off, holding out her index finger almost provocatively.

"No." She voiced roundly and severely, moving her finger side to side. "We won't talk about it because I clarified since the beginning that we ought to forget about it. I don't wanna know anything about that kiss nor why did it happen. What happened that night was an outburst and brought more problems than good things. So don't you dare to mention anything about it, because I still cannot forgive you for making me cheat on Brian and I cannot forgive myself for that either. If that is all you want to talk to me about, then this conversation is over." She stated with absolute clarity.

"No, wait, you have to listen to me because it's not about the kiss itself." I responded and I stopped doing whatever I was doing to look at her in the eye. She did the same, but her face was very serious.

"I don't want..." She started saying annoyed.

"Listen to me, Freckles." I interrupted her as she clenched her jaw and looked away. "It's okay if you don't wanna talk, but I want you to listen to me." I added expressly. "And I don't want you, by any means, to walk away, leaving me talking alone and leaving this conversation unfinished as it's been happening in these last three days. Is that clear, Freckles?" I asked and she just sighed.

"It's clear. Just make it quick." She answered and I nodded.

"Alright… I kissed you that night because that is what I've wanted to do for days, even weeks… even months. You know, since that day when we were in San Francisco, in Marin Headlands, even before that… I just wanted to kiss you; I wanted to be with you; not just for one moment, but to be with you ever after with one kiss I never gave you until New Year." I started explaining as Freckles crossed her arms over her chest, pursed her lips and shook her head.

"Darren, how many times do I have to remind you that not being with me was your entire decision? You had me. You had me and you had February back in that moment. You chose February and I had to move on. So don't tell me you wanted to be with me, because you had the chance. It was your decision, your choice to let me go." She pointed out and I looked at her deeply into the eyes for a while, just frowning slightly.

"I know it was my choice. I'm completely aware of it. But cannot you see why I'm actually telling you this? It's not because I don't wanna remember it was my choice, it's because I realized that letting you go was my biggest mistake, Freckles. All I ever wanted and all I want is you." I confessed almost in a whisper, taking a step closer towards her as she took a step back, now looking down with a confused expression on her face. "And I used to think that I let you go because I was too weak to fight for you, I used to think that if I let you go was because I respected you and I knew you didn't really want to be with me. And the night of New Year's celebration I realized it was not like that. You know what my problem was?" I asked with my eyes fixed on that pair of big and beautiful eyes that were now looking into mine in expectation to listen to my explanation. I gave her a sad half-smile and I noticed she gulped. "I took you for granted. I took for granted that no matter what we would end up together, that you still loved me. Due to the fact that I thought that I will have you forever and that loving you was enough, I forgot the details, I forgot to coddle you, to seduce you, and to make you fall in love with me every day, given that I was so confused that I thought you belonged to me; I felt completely sure of your love, and now that you're not here, I miss you in my days, I miss the joy that is now anything but pain." I explained with soft voice, never taking my eyes off her. She was expressionless, however her eyes were shining and I could see them moist. I knew my words were touching her heart, but she just didn't want to admit it, so she was struggling not to show her feelings. "And that kiss was not a mistake to me. That kiss meant too much to me, because that kiss allowed me to realize that we belong together and that I'll not stop till the day I can get you back." I assured and I took a step closer and this time she didn't move. I looked deeply into her eyes and gave her an affectionate smile. "There was no pretending in that kiss." I added in a whisper and I saw how her eyes twinkled before she turned her gaze downwards. "I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there is life after that, I'll love you then." I murmured with a sweet, steady gaze in her direction.

She remained extremely silent, still expressionless, still with her gaze pointing downwards. I was expecting some kind of answer, at least some kind of grimace to make sure she listened to me, and most importantly, that she understood what I meant. But the silence was engulfing us and I realized that it would get worse because she wouldn't talk.

"Freckles..." I whispered with wheezy voice.

"I heard what you said." She stated and finally her eyes looked up at me, but her face didn't show any kind of sweet or thrilled grimace as I was yearning. "I'm not the silly romantic you think. I don't want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don't want to hear someone telling me that they will love me even after death and love me through eternity and beyond. I want... a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved." She said plainly, her lips curled up into a smile, but her eyes mirrored nothing but a gleam of affliction. "And I know my heart will be safe with Brian, he'll always give me a steady hand and he'll love me with his kind soul. I want to love Brian, Darren. And that is my decision, my choice."She finished, her voice sounding determined but her eyes were looking down and fluttering. Her choice hit me like a splash of cold water to the face.

"And I'm supposed to sit by while you date boys and fall in love with someone else?" My voice tightened. "And meanwhile, I'll die a little bit more every day, watching."

"I already went through that with you..." Her whisper echoed in the silent room as her eyes met my nearly teary eyes. There was no roughness in her eyes, just distress and pursuit of understanding. "Me, dying a little bit more every day, watching when you were dating and falling in love with two girls, Kelly and February; yet I've never forbidden you from being happy with them, why would you forbid me from being happy with Brian?" Her words didn't sound like an animadversion, not even like a recrimination, they sounded more like she was trying to understand me, perhaps to understand herself too.

"Because I know you, Freckles." My voice sounded profound and almost throaty. "I know you aren't in love with Brian and you'll never be able to fall in love with him because you are in love with me, you never stopped loving me. And that scares you. If there is one reason why you're with Brian, it's not because you think that someday you can fall for him, it's because he is so in love with you that you know he'll never hurt you, you'll never be afraid of being hurt with him, so you have no reasons to be scared with him. It's like that, isn't it?" I asked while narrowing my eyes as she looked down to avoid my steady gaze, her lips curved inwards, perhaps knowing that I was right. "But let me tell you something, Freckles… Not being hurt doesn't mean you're gonna be happy. You won't be happy with Brian. Yeah, maybe you'll have your happy moments, but it'll never be a fulfilling happiness, that happiness won't last too much, it won't be constant for the simple fact that you're with a guy that you don't love. You can end up hurt with me, yeah, but I assure you a fulfilling happiness. So it's not that I'm trying to forbid you happiness, I'm trying to make you find it. And you'll find it with me, not with Brian." I stated with gentle voice, stepping even closer. She puckered her brows and clenched her jaw, yet she didn't say anything, maybe because she disliked what I said but she was aware that it was the truth. "And I know all of this because I know you, Freckles." I whispered, tilting my head to try to look into her eyes that wouldn't stop staring the floor. After a while, she raised her gaze and her eyes flashed defiantly, yet it was an unsteady gaze.

"Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories." Her harsh and cold voice together with her aggressive eyes made me flinch and gasp. But that was my first reaction, then I frowned slightly and examined her. She was just scared for the fact that she was aware she could only love me. "So you should step back, Darren; and if you can't do that, it's better if you just live apart from me, because not only you'll hurt me, Brian and February, you'll also hurt yourself." Her voice softened and her gaze turned away. She pretended to be resolute, but that just reminded me of some time ago, so a smile crossed my lips.

"I remember you telling me the exact same thing when we were in Munising." I stated while nodding, still with the smile on my face. She looked up at me and frowned in confusion, but in the moment she realized what I was talking about, her eyes just reflected misbelief. "And in that time I decided to find you, I threw myself at your feet, and begged you to have mercy on me. So you see, honestly, I'll accept whatever you choose, Freckles. Just don't ask me to live apart from you again. Because... I can't." I said while raising my eyebrows and shrugging.

Freckles dropped her mouth, raised an eyebrow and looked away, while shaking her head. It was pretty obvious that everything that was coming out from my mouth was something she absolutely disliked, but I decided not to feel bad about this, because I knew that all of her disgusted grimaces were just because she was being forced to face a reality she just didn't want to face and accept. As for me, I wouldn't shut up, I wouldn't stay idly this time, I wouldn't make the same mistake; this time I was willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. I knew we both wanted to be together. Therefore, I stepped closer very slowly, with my steady and firm gaze looking into her eyes. The tension between the space that separated us was immense. However, I kept certain distance and the fastness of my gaze made her look up at me; in that very moment I spoke again.

"And don't tell me I don't know anything about you but the memories of you, because you and I both know it isn't like that. I know you more than anybody else does, not just the memories; as well as you know me more than anybody else. The fact that we're afraid to admit it... Well, that's another matter, the more realistic and accurate one." My voice sounded guttural in the silence that she maintained constant.

I could see fear and nervousness in those pair of big eyes that were looking at me, now fixedly. She didn't talk, but her eyes talked for her, as it always happened in those moments of great silence between us. She was telling me that she knew what I meant. And I could notice she wanted me, even if it was just for that moment. And I wondered all the things I could do with her if no one else was involved and if no one else was in between us.

"You know?" I spoke and the sound of my voice breaking the silence made her shiver a little. I smiled and it was a bit sassy. "This is why I love you so much."

"What do you mean?" Her trembling voice asked. Then she tried to reconstruct the position of angry and defiant person. But it was too late for me to believe that, I knew she was just pretending and I knew what she truly wanted.

"You make me wonder what I'd do if I could do anything." I whispered hoarsely, moving my head a little closer to hers, my eyes piercing hers. She gulped and held her breath, yet she didn't take her eyes off me. "Don't you wanna know what I would do?" I whispered in an almost seductive way, now shifting my gaze from her eyes to her mouth. And her lips parted slightly.

I knew, in the silence that followed, that anything could happen here. It might be too late: again, I might have missed my chance. But I would at least know I tried, that I took my heart and extended my hand, whatever the outcome.

"Okay." She answered with a sigh, then she took a deep breath. "What would you do if you could do anything?" As she asked, I took a step toward her, closing the space between us.

"This." I responded. And then I kissed her.

Initially, it was a gentle and hesitant, warm and vulnerable kiss; but then it went beyond passion, beyond desire. This kiss was full of longing, need, and love, like all those other kisses we ever shared. And I knew with a certainty more powerful than anything I'd ever felt before that we belonged together. Notwithstanding I was sure we both wanted this kiss, she tried to turn her face.

"Let me go!" She growled and struggled to get away from me.

"No." I responded in front of her lips, holding her even tighter.

"Let me fucking go, Darren." Her voice was now suddenly tiny, scared, and vulnerable. I searched her eyes and when they met I remained my eyes fixed on hers.

"Letting go is the one last option I have and I am too stubborn to take it." I answered with husky voice.

In the very moment I leaned in to kiss her again, very sure this time she would let me do so because that was what she wanted, she pushed me away in a harsh way and then I felt the palm of her hand slapping my left cheek. I looked at her frozen for what she did, in spite of the fact that I was aware I deserved it. Her eyes were teary but because of the anger she was feeling, and her wheezing together with her jaw clenched made me realize that perhaps she didn't want this kiss, not because she didn't love me but because all she wanted was to be faithful to Brian and she just cheated on him again thanks to me. I couldn't say sorry for that, though. I'd never say again I was sorry for kissing her because that would be something dishonest of me to do.

"Now you listen to me, Darren..." Her wheezy and wobbly voice penetrated my ears. "I don't want you to be near me, not as long as you keep doing these things. Have you heard me? I don't want you to be near me." She demanded with absolute explicitness as I looked at her hurt, yet I didn't answer. Then she turned her furious grimace into a distressed one. "I don't want to treat you bad, Darren; but you have to understand that you're no longer allowed to do these kind of things with me, because, like it or not, I'm dating Brian. And you already made me cheat on him, twice." Her brittle voice whispered as a small tear escaped the corner of her eye. She wiped it away and I just remained looking deeply into her eyes, hurt. "I'll just… leave." She let out a heavy, long sigh.

"Okay, before you leave, I want to tell you something." My voice cracked. She didn't hear, she began to step away from me. "Freckles, stay, because I really need to tell you something before you leave." I cleared my throat and spoke clearer. She turned her face and looked at me straight in the eye. I stepped closer and my throat tightened owing to this pain I was feeling. "I'll understand if you don't want me, but I will be heartbroken. You are all I ever dreamed of and hoped for, Freckles. You are much, much more." My voice choked and sounded high-pitched, and from my blurred vision I could see her face expressing a distressed grimace. "I don't want you to put your arms around me and say it's all right, that you forgive me for making you cheat on Brian. I want you to be sure that you do, and my love for you will last as long as I live. I can see no lightness, no humor, no joke to make right now." I voiced bitterly, shrugging and sensing the tears dripping into my mouth. I breathed in and held my breath for a few seconds before breathing out. "I just hope that we will be able to go back to when we had laughter, and the world was colored, not black and white and grey." I let out a muffled whine, tentatively taking one of her hands. Few seconds later I felt tears hitting my hand, both mine and hers. I looked into her watery eyes and the pain in my chest increased. "I am so sorry for hurting you, Freckles. I could inflict all kinds of pain on myself, but it would not take back any I gave to you; so I'm really sorry."

Her eyes were no longer looking at me in a defiant, furious, harsh way; they were now looking into mine with understanding, perhaps with a bit of guilt, and definitely with distress. I felt her arms around my neck and I moved a bit closer to rest my chin on her shoulder and bury my face on her neck as I put my arms around her waist. Being in her arms for sure brought some kind of relief for the pain I was feeling. And I sensed this feeling was reciprocated. I thought how unfair the wholeness of this situation was, in which we loved each other so much but for fear of hurting others, also for being cowards, we couldn't do a damn thing. And I knew that thought was also mutual. We parted and looked into each other's eyes again. The tension of this need and desire to kiss was still present between us. But neither of us moved. It wouldn't be the 'right' thing to do. Instead of kissing her on the mouth, I showed her my affection by fondling her cheek. The only thing our eyes would look at was into each other, nothing around us seemed to have importance. Until both of us sensed someone walking by our side that definitely made us look around, finally. And I gasped when I saw that the one who walked by our side was February. Freckles stepped back abruptly, nervousness and fear seizing her. I also felt fear, also consternation. February saw us being close to each other, she saw Freckles looking into my eyes and she saw me fondling her cheek; yet, she didn't glance at us, she didn't talk to us, she just walked to the refrigerator.

"I... I was just leaving." Freckles announced with shaky voice. February closed the door of the refrigerator, holding a bottle of water, and finally looked at us with a poker face.

"Oh, it's not necessary, Freckles. I just came to look for something to drink, I am leaving now... Just pretend I was never here, I wouldn't like to think I interrupted you." She said with a gentle smile.

Her voice and smile weren't sarcastic or scornful. That was what scared me the most. Freckles looked at her puzzled, shook her head and left the kitchen. I saw how February frowned slightly, shrugged and attempted to walk away, not even glancing at me. I quickly walked towards her and took her by the elbow.

"Feb, wait... Can we talk?" I asked and she finally directed her eyes at me.

I felt profoundly remorseful when her blue eyes looked at me with their usual gentleness instead of anger because of what she saw and what she probably knew about me and Freckles. What would I tell her? Nothing of what I could say could take away that almost indiscernible sparkle of sadness in her eyes. I stared her eyes for a while, unable to talk now. She waited for me to talk until a weak smile played about the corners of her mouth.

"You don't have to talk, I saw in your eyes what you want to tell me. And it's okay." Her brittle voice echoed in the kitchen. "I'll ask Jen if I can sleep in her bedroom tonight."

And her words broke my heart. Not because she inflicted me pain, but because I inflicted pain on her. My heart broke because all this time I've been breaking her heart slowly and she was suffering in silence in order not to hurt me. Those blue eyes that used to be overflowing with joy were now just a pair of weary and sorrowful eyes. And my eyes filled with tears when I came to the realization that I hurt her way too much. I was the one guilty of making her smile be just a sad grimace. She never deserved that.

"I love you, Feb." I spoke the truth with eyes full of remorse.

There was no need to pretend now, to tell her that she misunderstood everything between me and Freckles, that I wasn't in love with Freckles. She knew. Still, I loved her. I couldn't be with her because I just belonged to Freckles, but I loved her. February just stared into my eyes.

"I know." A whisper came out from her sad half-smile. "But sometimes loving someone isn't enough to want them to stay in your life. I understand that, Darren, and I set you free to be with that one person you love and you want to make stay." She murmured and I never thought her words would stab my chest like this.

"I want you to stay. I want to sort things out." I said almost desperate when I realized what was happening and the emptiness I would feel if I lost not only Freckles, but also February.

"Baby, we don't belong together. Freckles and you belong together. It's always been like that." Her gentle voice responded, followed by a sweet grin.

I shook my head. Yes, I knew Freckles and I belonged together, but not right now… She was with Brian and she wouldn't break-up with Brian to be with me. She made it clear minutes earlier. She wouldn't be with me… And February didn't want to be with me either. In my desperation to get Freckles back, I lost her and I broke February's heart.

"We can give us another chance, Feb." I responded exasperated, the pace of my heart increasing each time I talked and each time she gave me that gentle smile as a sign of saying goodbye to me.

"No. It won't work." Her whisper sounded like a yell echo to me.

I felt how all I once wanted was now slipping through my hands and I didn't know how to hold onto them. When she finally turned her gaze downwards as a sign of resignation and withdrawal, I felt how indeed everything went out of my control. I was feeling a great pang. I was in despair. Therefore, I looked at her with my biggest look of desperation.

"I beg you to give me another chance. Just one last chance. I promise to try my best this time. Please, Feb, don't walk away from me. One last chance." I took both of her hands in mine as a way to show her my great plea. Someone could tell from a mile away that my wretched eyes full of despair were even more convincing than to kneel before her. "And if it doesn't work, at least I'd try to give this a better end, one in which you wouldn't be heartbroken as you are now. But let me try to make this work, Feb. I beg you." I implored in abject despair. She looked up with a pair of hesitant eyes and then sighed.

"Just one last chance. Not to make this work, but to start adapting to be one without the other." She answered heavy-hearted.

I didn't know if I wanted to smile because I've been given one more chance or if I should feel even worse because she was definitely very determined to put an end to our relationship. Either way, I wanted to kiss her; to make it one kiss to show my gratitude and relief for having this chance, or to make it one kiss to take advantage of the remaining time I had left with her. Thereby, I placed both hands on her jaw and leaned to give her one tender, meaningful kiss. The kind of kiss she deserved to receive, not one of those empty, careless kisses.

"Stay with me tonight, don't go somewhere else." I whispered in front of her soft lips.

I felt her breathing against my lips and I felt bad for the fact that she knew all I was feeling for Freckles. I felt bad that she was kissing the same lips that kissed Freckles' lips minutes ago. I felt bad for the fact that even though I gave her a meaningful kiss, it'd never be as real as the kiss I gave Freckles. And I felt bad because I was thinking about Freckles in the very moment I should be thinking only about her.

"Okay. I'll stay with you tonight." Her breath touched my lips.

As a response, I embraced her and by means of that embrace I told her all I couldn't tell her out loud: 'I'm sorry for not being able to love you the way you deserve. I'm sorry for breaking your heart and I'm sorry for wishing to be hugging Freckles instead of you. I'm sorry for loving her in place of you.' I was apologizing to February as at the same time one tear was streaming down my cheek for having lost Freckles. And words were needless.

---

That morning the first thing your eyes got to see when they cracked open was Brian's face. It was already 9 am, but this time he didn't leave you alone in the bedroom, this time he stayed. He snuggled up to you at night and he stayed until you woke up, just as you requested him to do. In that precise moment he was still fast asleep, wrapping an arm around your waist, his ankles against the backs of your ankles, his knees fitting into the backs of your knees, his thighs on the backs of your legs, his stomach against your back, his chin folding into your neck. And then you turned to your other side to be face to face and you nestled in; he responded this sudden change with a low and incoherent mumble as his lips curved upwards; yet he didn't wake up. You observed his peaceful and sweet sleeping face, he looked like a little boy; and you watched him sleeping like there was no time left. You remained staring at him for a long, quiet period of time; you were just marveling at how he came into your life and how grateful you were to have him in your life. Watching him sleep relaxed you. You decided you loved to see his face, all soft and relaxed, without the day's stress written on it. You liked his long eyelashes and flawless skin, his mouth slightly parted, his plump lower lip slightly pulled outwards, the sound of his paced breathing, slowed respiration and prolonged exhalation. You couldn't help yourself and kissed him lightly on the cheek; he automatically smiled and cuddled up closer to you, even though he didn't wake up. Watching him sleep allowed you to just see him uninterrupted and think about how you felt about him.

When you started to think about this, your grin owing to the cuteness of his sleeping face turned into an afflicted grimace. You were seeing him sleep with complete quietness and innocence, with complete satisfaction for being cuddling up to the person he loved, unaware of all the bad things you did to him. He was in love with a person who just lied to him, a person who betrayed him; and he did not deserve that. You did not deserve someone like him. First emotion a cheater feels: Remorse and profound guilt.

You cupped his cheek in your hand and stroked his skin very smoothly as slow and silent tears escaped the corner of your eyes and dripped into the pillow. You cheated on the one person who was willing to give you the world, who loved you unselfishly and devoutly. You became aware that cheating and lying weren't struggles; they were reasons to break up. And truth was you didn't want to break up with Brian. Second emotion a cheater feels: Sadness and heaviness of heart.

Then you began to feel irate instead of sad. Fuck you for cheating on him. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. Fuck you. These were your lives. You went and broke your lives. You were so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned. Third emotion a cheater feels: Frustration, self-contempt and self-hatred.

You wiped the tears away, tears that were now tears of anger for having done something you shouldn't. You looked at Brian once again and the three emotions a cheater feels merged into one profound emotion that pierced your heart. You fondled his cheek as if it was the last time you'd do it, you contoured with your fingers each part of his face: his forehead, eyes, nose, cheeks, jaw, mouth. You stopped your finger on his mouth and brushed your fingertips on it before you leaned in to press your lips against his, closing your eyes, feeling a deep sorrow in your heart because your lips weren't pure, they weren't faithful to his. When you opened your eyes, a pair of bright jade green eyes greeted you and a lovely smile told you good morning. Afterwards, a gentle hand stroking your hair told you 'You're beautiful' and a tender, small kiss on your lips told you 'I love you'. But the remorse that was taking over your whole body didn't allow you to enjoy this perfect moment. You gulped and your eyes filled with tears that you held back.

"I've got something to tell you." Your wobbly voice echoed in a way that wiped his smile off of his face, as though by the way you said it he could feel the tenderness drain from the room.

"I don't want to know." He whispered in front of your lips, distress flashing in his eyes. It was as though he already knew what you wanted to tell him, which was pretty weird. But you had to tell him, he deserved to know what you did.

"I have to tell you this. You have to know the truth." You responded as his sad and perhaps fearful eyes remained looking steadily into yours.

"Whatever the truth is, I don't wanna know." He gulped.

The beating of your heart increased its pace as the agony you were feeling in your heart showed across your face and, chiefly, your eyes. You couldn't hold this lie onto you any longer. It was time for you to face the consequences of your actions.

"I cheated on you with Darren." You confessed with wheezy voice.

The severity of your confession increased as the words echoed in the silent room, making of it a tormenting experience. Brian gasped and in the split second that he blinked, his gaze shifted downwards. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion, you perceived each one of his grimaces when his fearful face turned into a grief-stricken face. His warm jade green eyes suddenly darkened and his lips curved downwards.

"The first time was when we returned from the New Year's party; you stayed inside and I went outside. And Darren was there and we were talking about the time we were together and how we felt. He kissed me, but I didn't stop him." You continued with your confession, because it was now or never; you wouldn't be brave enough again to face this. And the more you were saying, the more his heart was breaking. "The second and last time was last night. You were in the screened porch with the rest as I was doing the dishes. Darren came over and begged me to listen to him; he wanted to talk about the kiss. I was mad at him for making me cheat on you, and I was also mad at me for letting it happen. He said some sweet words and then he kissed me again. At first I wasn't able to stop him, it took me by surprise, but then I did it. I stopped him and I told him I didn't want him to be near me." Your voice cracked and tears flooded your eyes. You couldn't look at Brian's face because he was trying to hide it from you, but you saw traces of tears on his pillow. "I'm so sorry, Brian. I swear I never intended to cheat on you, I never wanted it. I'm very sorry." You whispered with strangulated voice, letting fall some of the tears that formed in your eyes.

You hesitantly took one of Brian's hands and moved it to your chest. Although he let you do so, he didn't look at you. In place of that, he used his shoulder to wipe his tears away, very surreptitiously. He evidently didn't want you to notice that he shed few tears. You intertwined your fingers with his and then you attempted to look into his eyes, but all you could see were his thick lashes stuck together in clumps.

"You have to know that I really want to be with you. I don't want anybody else but you." Your voice sounded gentle, but a bit wheezy due to the desperation. "However, I'll understand if after this you don't want to be with me. I guess I'll deserve it. I just wish... I wish you could forgive me and I wish you give me another chance to make up for my mistakes." Your voice tightened as more tears rolled down your cheeks, this time faster. "I don't want to lose you." You whispered in abject misery, shame and guilt.

You told him anyway, even though he didn't want to know. And the thing you hated the most was knowing how much hinged on his reaction, how your unburdening could only lead to him being burdened. It was unfair. But you had to be honest with him. Brian, finally, looked up straight into your eyes, and as soon as his green eyes fixed on your eyes, you gasped because it was truly a piercing look. You waited for his response, yet he didn't answer. Brian remained looking profoundly into your eyes; his eyes always showed you what he was feeling, but this time they were expressionless, and that was when you knew he was too hurt that he went on a taken aback state of mind. Hence, the room was invaded by an abysmal silence; and such silence had an actual sound: the sound of disappearance. Something was disappearing right in that moment and it was the complete trust he ever put in you; in reality, what was truly disappearing in that moment was the ideal of perfect girl he ever had of you, that girl who instead of breaking his heart was there to mend his heart. You failed him, and failed big.

"It was a mistake." You said with tears in your eyes, unable to stand this silence that was tormenting you. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was his, for trusting you.

The silence remained; his expressionless green eyes remained steady. At this point, you were torturing yourself; you could hear Brian telling you: 'You didn't just cheat on me; you cheated on us. You didn't just break my heart; you broke our future'. But none of that came out from his mouth, and he didn't even seem to be thinking such a thing.

"Thank you for being honest with me." His guttural and rough voice echoed. For some reason his answer led you to collapse and your noisy sobs echoed through the silent room.

That was all he said and it seemed he was not planning to keep talking. In other circumstances he would embrace you to give you the comfort you needed for being crying in that desolate way; but you could understand he couldn't do it now, you had it coming. And that was the first time you felt you were losing him. You took all the strength you had left to speak again.

"I am so sorry for cheating on you, Brian!" A wail came out from your mouth at the same time you held your face in hands and curled up in a ball.

"It's not the cheating, Sunny." He replied and his voice sounded gentler than it should have sounded. He called you 'Sunny' instead of 'baby girl' and that wasn't a good sign; but again, you had it coming. "It's your refusal to accept unhappiness next to me that you got to the point to look for an alternative."

You uncovered your face to look at him in absolute stupefaction; although your tears wouldn't let you see with utter clarity, you managed to catch a glimpse of his very distressed eyes that were still looking at you in a gentle way, in spite of everything he had to stand. That point of view hurt much more than if it was just about the cheating; because if it was about cheating, then you were the only one to blame, but if it was about unhappiness, he was blaming himself. And none of this was his fault.

"No, it's not like that, Brian. No, you're getting this wrong… If I cheated on you, it's because I'm the most stupid person on earth, not because I'm unhappy with you!" You exclaimed desperately, looking intently into his dull eyes. He scowled and his forehead crinkled. "I didn't look for an alternative, because I am really happy for being with you, Brian! You make me happy, for real." You whispered, now weakly, sensing this wasn't working at all. You sat in bed and took both of his hands. "Please, forgive me."

"I forgive you and I beg your forgiveness, too." He sighed, now sitting in bed to take a better look of your eyes. You frowned in confusion and he clasped your hands with his. His eyes finally twinkled but just to give them a sad expression that was enhanced by the wretched half-smile he gave you. "Because even though you cheated on me with someone, I think I'm cheating on you in my mind, because I sold you this whole story that you'd be happy with me for the sole fact that I love you; but I sold you lies, because I always knew you wouldn't be happy with me." He elaborated with brittle voice as you dropped your mouth in complete disbelief. That was not true at all, that was bullshit. You were about to say something, but he was faster and continued talking. "And the fact that you're saying that you're happy with me is because of these lies I sold you, not because you truly are. And to me that's a million times worse."

"No… No…" You babbled with trembling voice, slowly shaking your head, your lips quivering and your eyes filling with tears again. "No, it's not like that…" You whined while moving your hands away from his, still shaking your head, now letting the tears stream down your cheeks. "No, Brian! For fuck's sake! It's not like that!" A strangulated moan came out from your mouth as he looked at you profoundly anguished. That was all you could say. "No! It's not like that, not like that, no!"

You continued moaning in a strangled way, now weakly punching his chest while tears would endlessly flow from your eyes. Each punch became weaker and weaker until he enfolded his firm arms around you and you rested your head on his chest to cry with great sobs.

"Yes, Sunny, it is like that." He whispered softly, holding you tightly. "And I'm sorry for doing that." He added and this time you pushed him away to look at him with fierce eyes, puckering your brows.

"I don't deserve that answer from you!" You practically yelled as he held his breath and looked at you stunned for your sudden reaction. "I deserve you to slap me, to tell me that I'm a slut who betrayed your trust. I deserve to be treated as the bitch as I am for breaking your heart instead of mending it, as the bitch I am for giving you my worst instead of giving you my best as you do. I deserve to suffer for my actions for once and for all!" You screamed out of yourself, tears of frustration escaping your eyes. You calmed down a bit when he remained silently looking into your eyes in a quiet, yet disconcerted way. When he noticed you were calmer, he spoke.

"Is that what you really want?" His silvery and penetrating voice asked, his face reflecting a hint of confusion and his eyes examining your face.

"Yes." You answered stubbornly; nonetheless, it was what you thought it was the only fair thing to do. He raised his eyebrows and parted his lips slightly. Then he pursed his lips and shook his head.

"I won't do it." He refused strongly, not taking his eyes off you. You frowned, clearly disgusted by his response. He should stop being so understanding. Seriously, you didn't deserve to be treated nicely. "This time I won't do what you ask me to do, as I always do. And that is the consequence you'll have to suffer for your actions." He added very determined.

You dropped your mouth and felt incredibly surprised by that answer. The tears suddenly stopped forming in your eyes. He had a point. Not doing what you wanted was something new for you, and it could be a valid punishment. However, it wasn't enough; he should be ruder to you.

"The consequence you'll have to suffer for your actions is not me not to forgive you, it's much harder than that: It's you to forgive yourself." His judgment left you wordless and dumbfounded.

And until that moment you never thought that the hardest thing to do was you to forgive yourself for what you did. And now that you thought about it, you thought it was something impossible to do; because you came to the realization that the truly scary thing about cheating was that it had a greater capacity to diminish you than exposed ones: It erodes your strength, your self-esteem, your very foundation. The pressure of thinking that made your chest ache. He knew that all along, or maybe he was trying to make you see the way to save yourself from all the pain you've inflicted that was now getting back at you. For the first time in the conversation you looked down, with a shocked facial expression. And hopelessness gripped you.

"I think I'll never get it." You recognized in a whisper, with your stare blank.

"You will; and if you feel like you cannot, then I'll help you." His sweet voice penetrated your ears.

"I don't deserve your help." You responded dejected.

"You're doing it again; you're not trying to forgive yourself, Sunny." He sighed heavily, as though he was weary, yet his voice sounded gentle. Then you felt his hand squeezing your shoulder. "You deserve my help because I know who you are, even if you can't see it now, I know you're a great person. Therefore, I want you to realize one thing that might help you to forgive yourself." You heard his kind voice whispering near your ear. You finally dared to look up and you found his warm green eyes looking deeply into yours. And you felt very small, very helpless, and very vulnerable. "So many people cheat, Sunny. Everywhere on every level. Everyone's cheated. I'm just saying that you don't need to see yourself as a cheater. Because that's not who you are. You're someone who cheated. There's a difference, and you should try to get that difference, or that's who you'll grow up to be."

Such was the kindness of his voice and the affection of his eyes that you couldn't help yourself from breaking into tears; the kind of tears that come from the innermost of your soul. People always say that to forgive someone for real is one of the hardest things to do, but they forgot to say that to forgive oneself for real is even harder, quasi impossible; and more after you betrayed yourself and became one kind of person you never wanted to be, more when you felt as though you were an absolute worthless person. You dropped your head on one hand and nailed your fingertips in your face, as the heartrending crying remained steady. And you collapsed in bed, curling up in a ball. You felt as if you'd never be able to stop this crying, but a pair of arms rescued you when they enfolded around you in a caring way, when a pair of hands stroked your hair in a reassuring way, and when soft lips gave you a fond kiss on the forehead before they kissed your tears away. Those green eyes – whose brightness you took away when you broke his heart – were now looking lovingly into your eyes.

"You said it, it was just a mistake; you're human. Just because you once did something wrong doesn't make you a bad person. You gotta forgive yourself, baby girl." He whispered intimately as his lips curled up into a sweet smile. His thumb brushed your cheek and you closed your eyes. "I love you, with all your strengths and weaknesses. And I love you because you're one of a kind. I love you because you're a lovely person, baby girl." He whispered fondly in front of your lips before he kissed them tenderly.

"I need you, Bri." You breathed weakly in front of his lips, unable to say all the things you wanted to say.

"I'm right here and I'm not leaving." He answered with a gentle caress on your cheek.

You snuggled up to him and wrapped your arms around him. And for the rest of the day you didn't leave the bedroom; neither did he. He took care of you and he didn't leave you when you needed him the most. And that was probably one of the greatest acts of love. You didn't have to talk, by means of that hug he knew you were thankful, he knew you were sorry, and he knew you loved him. And you knew he knew because before you buried your head in his chest to rest from the pain that was engulfing you, he whispered.

"Me too, baby girl."

---

I was mad at Freckles. I was completely pissed off. I hated her… Okay, no, I loved her; but right now, I was mad at her. She told Brian about our last two kisses. She told him she cheated on him with me when she was the one who suggested forgetting about this, she was the one who wanted to keep it in secret. Goddammit, she was the one who wanted to forget this and act as if nothing had happened, not me! And the worst of all was that she didn't even have the respect to let me know she decided to tell Brian about the kisses. No, she spent all day locked in her bedroom with Brian. The worst of all was that I found out that Freckles told Brian thanks to Mandy, not because Freckles came to talk to me. How come? Mandy wanted to check why Freckles and Brian didn't get up to join the breakfast as usual, so then she heard some kind of conversation that seemed to be some sort of argument, so that she stayed behind the door of their bedroom and listened to the whole conversation between them. Right after that, she stormed in the dining room in a rage and slapped me out of the blue. I couldn't understand a damn shit and I was confused as fuck. Why would she do that? Then in front of literally everybody, she yelled at me.

"How you dare, Criss? My sister cheated on Brian thanks to you, because you couldn't keep your dick away from her, so you had to go and smooch her not once but twice! You fucking douche!"

Then all the I-am-judging-you looks were directed at me as the room turned silent all of a sudden. I was fooled by Freckles; I felt betrayed. What it should have been a secret as her will was, was now something everybody knew. And I couldn't even defend myself; I had no valid argument, not even a single justification for what I did and for what I kept as a secret. Freckles fucked everything up; at least, she could have told me when she decided to fuck everything up, that way I'd have been ready to face a situation like the current one in which I could see disappointment, hate and bewilderment in the looks in my direction. Freckles and I should have been facing and dealing with this together because cheating is a thing that two people do, but thanks to what she did, now the only responsible to face and deal with this was me, by my own; now it seemed I was the only one guilty for all of this, and Freckles was just one poor victim of my atrocious demeanor. I've never felt more exposed than in that moment, and it was certainly not a good kind of exposure. I felt ashamed of myself. I looked down and bit my lower lip, getting ready to receive all kinds of insults, judgments and punches; I deserved that, after all.

"You are a horrible person, Criss! An abominable one! How you dare to make my sister cheat on Brian?" Mandy yelled again, very furious.

I wanted to know what Freckles told Brian exactly, because considering all that Mandy was saying, it seemed as if I forced Freckles to kiss me against her will, as though I abused her or something. And I knew it wasn't like that, Freckles never stopped me; she even kissed me back. I wasn't trying to find a justification to be excused for what I did, I didn't even want that, because I was guilty and I'd always be guilty for what I did. But Freckles was guilty, too. However, I wouldn't mention any of that because I wouldn't act as Freckles acted, I wouldn't talk about her to defend myself when she wasn't here to listen and defend herself too. I wouldn't talk behind her back.

"Slow down, Mandy. Darren is not a horrible person, he just did something that was wrong." Joey spoke in quiet voice to try to calm his girlfriend. "And I want to clarify that I'm not justifying him and his actions, I'm saying that you shouldn't mark him as a bad person only for that wrong behavior." He added when Mandy was about to attack him.

"Oh right! Someone who has betrayed his friend behind his back is not a douche! Tell me, would you think I'm a good and lovely person if I cheated on you, Joey? I don't think so!" Mandy yelled rabidly. "Darren is a scumbag who cares about anyone but himself and his needy dick!"

"Hey, stop, Amanda!" Chuck's severe voice echoed in the room. "You're acting like a real bitch right now and I won't allow you to treat my bro as someone he isn't! Yes, the fucking jerk made a severe mistake, but you better stop treating him as if he was crap!"

"Oh! Am I a bitch now? Only because I'm saying out loud what all of you are thinking? I'm pretty sure none of you would like to be cheated! Yet, for you, I'm still a bitch for being saying this?" Mandy asked in disbelief.

"No, I don't think you're a bitch." Lucy suddenly spoke and Chuck shot her a withering look. "You're just too furious, hence, saying things in a wrong way. But I think you're right." She said and Chuck looked at her very furious. "Nobody would like to be cheated. Darren is not a bad person, but he must be held accountable for what he has done. It was wrong and he must deal with all of this now."

"I can't believe you're saying that, Lucy! I can't believe that!" Chuck exclaimed in complete disgust; then Lucy and Chuck looked at each other upset.

"You had this coming, Darren. Deal with this now." Lucy added, perhaps only to provoke Chuck because of the way he attacked her.

"Thanks, Lucy! I knew there was one sane person left in this damn room full of hypocrisy!" Mandy threw her arms up and huffed.

"Hey! Only because some of us don't think the same than you, doesn't mean that we are hypocrites. I understand your anger, because I'm angry too; but this is not the way to say all of that, Mandy. The same goes for you, Lucy." Jen pointed out a bit annoyed but trying to keep her cool. "And Joey and Chuck, you must admit that there's no justification for Darren's actions, he's not a bad person but he ain't a saint either. And Darren, I'm kind of disappointed for what you did. I never thought you could do something like that."

"And what's your opinion, eh?" Mandy asked violently and I noticed she was looking at February. "The asshole of your boyfriend cheated on you! You're an amazing and wonderful person, why would you be with a jackass like him? You deserve much better, February. Don't let this jerk hurt your feelings as if you don't matter!"

And that was the moment I felt my heart breaking. I glanced at February and I saw her big blue eyes reflecting turmoil, sadness and disturbance, looking into Mandy's eyes. I looked down and swallowed, feeling awful because she was clearly heartbroken. I hated to admit that Mandy was right: I treated February as if she didn't matter, I did things without thinking if those things could hurt her or not, and the worst of all was that I was practically forcing her to stay with me, aware that she deserved much more than me, an unfaithful guy who broke her heart in the process when she was just loving me. Fuck, I hurt her too much… and the terrible thing was that I didn't fully realize it till Mandy spoke to her. At least she now knew the kind of asshole I was. Two or three tears raced down my cheeks very silently owing to the remorse I was feeling. No one noticed, though.

"I knew he cheated on me even before you came here and slapped him, I knew it even if he never told me so." February responded, her voice echoing in the silent room in which everybody was looking at her.

I frowned and looked at her puzzled. She knew? Why was she still with me, then? Why didn't she curse at me? Why didn't she slap me? Why didn't she tell me to go to hell? She stayed silent and she even gave me another chance to sort things out with her. I couldn't understand.

"I'd nicely ask if you can stop with all of this, because this is rude, hurtful and inappropriate. None of you should mess, because it's none of your business. This is only about me, Darren, Freckles and Brian." February added roundly as the rest looked away, huffing and complaining, but knowing she was right. "If I didn't say anything before, it's because this conversation should be private and because I didn't want to make anybody look like the guilty one. Because if we're talking about guiltiness, then Brian and I are also guilty, for having been playing fool when we were aware that our partners weren't being happy with us; and Darren is guilty for cheating, but so is your sister, Amanda. Freckles also cheated, she's just as guilty as Darren is. And I'm sure you don't think she's a horrible and abominable person, a bitch, a jerk, a douche and all the ways you called Darren. So you should stop saying all that." She demanded and Mandy looked at her very upset. "And for the record, Darren is not hurting me, I'm hurting myself… And that… That is my problem and I don't want anybody mess with that." She clarified and then looked down, her eyes teary and her jaw clenched.

I looked at her feeling profoundly remorseful and also afflicted; yet she didn't look at me, she just ignored everybody. She was not guilty; this was my fault, also Freckles' fault, but not Brian's fault or her fault. Freckles and I hurt them and we made them feel we were unhappy with them, which wasn't true. And I realized how this one and single mistake brought too much damage, something I didn't think when Freckles and I kissed. Freckles and I were sunk in remorse and we developed a feeling of self-hatred, a feeling of being unworthy of good things and good people. Brian and February were heartbroken and they were blaming themselves, they were sunk in depression. And the rest was on the thin line between disappointment and hate because of what Freckles and I did. Not only they were insulting me or Freckles, but also they were insulting each other in this fight that consisted in deciding who was to blame. What Freckles and I not only affected us, but also it affected all of us as friends. And I sensed how everything was falling apart, getting worse and worse while they were still arguing, insulting, and threatening each other. I noticed how everything was turning more rough and rude, how they were out of themselves, how they wouldn't stop yelling. This was a damn hell. And I was frozen, my head was a big mess and I was aghast. The yelling became muffled and distant when I got absorbed in my mind, thinking that the damage would never be fixed now... it went too far and changed everything; until a question made me pay attention to the dispute.

"And who thinks about Brian, eh? He was cheated. One of his best friends hooked up with his girlfriend, the person he loves the most. Who thinks about that, eh? Eh?" Amanda screeched in complete madness.

"I do think about my son." George, for the very first time in the dispute, spoke with absolute clarity. Of course everybody startled and got silent; I guess nobody realized till that moment that Brian's dad was listening to all of this. "I imagine how much he must be suffering for that, and that is what makes me sad out of all of this; it's the parent instinct to protect their child. But I know my son, and I know he'll understand that if his best friend and his girlfriend kissed, it was just because they made a mistake. And everybody is allowed to make mistakes, because it is something natural in humans. Don't hate each other because a single mistake was made. Look at you!" He pointed out, examining each one of our faces while frowning as all of us glanced at each other in complete silence, still feeling rabid but now perhaps a bit bad for having realized the way we've treated each other. "You all are friends and you should learn to understand that when a friend makes a mistake is not because their intention is to inflict pain on their friends." He spoke with orotund voice, looking sadly at us, surely because of our poor behavior. "If this old man could give you one piece of advice, it'd be that you should never let hate take the place of love, because that hate is gonna destroy one good friendship that was never meant to be destroyed because of a mistake. Do not point at someone to damn him for all that happened because that is a sad thing to do; apologize, forgive and be forgiven instead." He said gently, with a small grin.

Right after this the abysmal silence invaded the room as all of us remained looking down out of shame for the recent harsh dispute, but mostly how we hurt each other constantly even when we weren't aware of it. In that moment everybody pondered about their own poor demeanor. I looked up at George with abject compunction, feeling like an absolute disgrace. I hurt his son, yet he tried to stop everybody else from attacking me. I did not deserve this, I did not deserve to have someone defending me after the hideous things I did; and the least I deserved was this understanding from Brian's dad. When Brian's dad looked at me and gave me a soft smile, my eyes filled with tears as I felt horrible inside, but also grateful, very grateful. I looked down, closed my eyes and pursed my lips as a way to hold back my tears. Then I took a deep breath, stood up and looked at everybody who was now looking at me fixedly.

"It was my mistake, my fault. And I want to apologize for that. Also, I want to apologize because my error made all of you face each other in a rude way, something that shouldn't have happened. If there is one person who should be dealing with this shit and suffering the consequences, that's me; so I hope you can forgive each other for the way you treated each other. I hope that my error doesn't screw up your friendship." My strangled voice echoed in the room. I looked down and held back the few tears that were about to escape the corner of my eyes. "I'm sorry for everything."

With these last words said, I turned on my heels and headed out of the dining room, walking straight towards the front door to leave this place. I wanted to cry, but not in front of everybody, therefore, I had to get away. I didn't go too far, though. I just sat on the steps of the entrance, brought my knees to my face and started to cry. I never imagined something like this could happen, I never thought the consequences could be this hard. How would I look at everybody in the eye without feeling like a total swine for betraying everybody's trust? Would they consider me as their friend after this? Would our friendship be the same after this? There were too many things at stake. And I fucked it up. Then I felt how someone rubbed my back and I turned my face that was resting on my knees to see who it was.

"It was just a mistake, kiddo." George said softly and I let out a great sob. He was sitting right next to me. "You don't have to carry all the responsibility upon your shoulders. Mistakes can be forgiven, you know that, right?" He asked and I responded with a wail, shaking my head.

Afterwards, surprisingly, he pulled me into a hug and — without even thinking — I curled up to him and rested my head on his lap. I was feeling like a little kid who was seeking some kind of comfort and reassurance in the arms of his father. I was pretty aware that George wasn't my father, but in that moment it felt like one. He stroked my hair to reassure me and it felt so nice that I couldn't help myself of wrapping my arms around him.

"I was your age once, and I know how it feels like when you feel as if you've disappointed all of your loved ones. You think that you've made the most inexcusable mistake, that nothing will ever be enough to apologize, and that you'll never be forgiven, you think that you don't even deserve to be forgiven because you cannot forgive yourself, how could others do that?" He asked and I stopped crying for a while to listen to what he was saying, which was pretty accurate in regard to what I was feeling. "But you deserve to be forgiven by them, also by yourself. If you used that mistake to learn something new, something you should never do again, then others have no reasons not to forgive you and you have no reasons not to forgive yourself. There are no inexcusable mistakes, only people who don't want to admit that mistakes are part of the human nature in order to grow as people with solid values during our period of time in this world. Don't let that mistake bring you down, kiddo, make something good out of it instead, then you'll grow as a person. Advice of an old man who has already faced what you're facing right now." A short giggle came out from his mouth as I looked up at him with my lips parted, amazed by what he said. Then a weak but authentic grin played about the corners of my mouth.

"Thank you, Mr. Clerk." I whispered with complete gratitude. He frowned and gave an amused look.

"Mr. Clerk? Ah! I remember once I told you I don't like it when people call me Mr. Clerk, it makes me feel even older. It's George." He replied and I chuckled softly.

"Then, thank you, George, really." I said with a kind smile as I hugged him and he patted my back. Then we parted and I stood up, feeling better. "Oh, let me help you." I quickly said when he attempted to stand up.

I extended my hand and he took it, then I pulled him up, placing a hand on his shoulder and another on his waist as he wrapped an arm around my neck, because his body, all of a sudden, started shaking almost violently. I looked at him kind of frightened and I was about to yell for help, but his body, slowly, stopped shaking.

"Are you okay, George?" My voice trembled as I was holding him firmly.

"Yes, I am okay. Thanks." He responded, his voice a bit wheezy as though he had difficulty breathing. Then he let out a short but vivid chuckle. "This is what happens when you get old. You start suffering from creaking bones and your steady gait is reduced. I was playing to be young when I sat on the step, I guess I forgot I'm more than 40 years old." He tried to joke with a cheerful chortle.

I just looked at him fixedly, trying hard not to look at him sadly. I perfectly knew that what recently happened was not because he was old, because he wasn't that old; it was because of his disease that was weakening him, each time more and more. His last days of life were approaching and it was starting to be noticeable. And when I thought about this I had to look away, because it made me feel very gloomy; however, I kept holding him firmly.

"Oh, that was a lame joke, wasn't it?" He joked one more time and I looked at him again, giving him one smile.

"Your jokes are never lame, George. You're like my competition and I just hate to admit that you will always win me." I made a jape as he grinned proudly and made a funny grimace, so I laughed and shook my head.

"That's what I like about young people... They always compliment the old men and they always do what the old men ask... One can take a lot of advantage out of that. I wonder why I waste that chance, I could be treated like a king, you know?" He said with a serious face, but amused eyes. I laughed out loud and shook my head again.

"Like a king? Well, that is lame, George. Emperor sounds much better. There! Score one for me." I made a gesture of victory together with a song of triumph and this time it was him the one who burst out laughing.

"Dammit!" He complained but amused.

Geez, Brian had a fantastic dad. Of course I loved my own dad and he was like the best dad ever... But putting aside the subjectivity tied to my feelings and love for my dad... I was sure that if the awards for best dad existed, George would win it. He was just such a good man, very friendly and funny too. I smiled at him and then I helped him climb the steps as his body was still shaking, now slightly. Before I opened the front door, he placed a shaky hand on my shoulder.

"You are a good boy, kiddo." He said amiably, squeezing my shoulder. "I know you will look after my son when I can no longer do it myself because my time came. I'm glad to know that he will have such a great friend to lean on when I'm gone." He added with a kind smile.

I looked straight in his pale blue eyes and I froze. I did not freeze in the way you do when you're perplexed or scared, I froze in the way you do when a great anguish pierces your chest and rips it apart. My face was frozen and I did not move a single muscle, but I sensed how my vision became blurred owing to the tears that formed in the corner of my eyes. I couldn't even breathe, because I knew that if I dared to do it, tears would flow endlessly. So I held my breath, my throat tightened and my eyes remained fixed on that pair of pale blue eyes that were looking at me with absolute kindness. One week, Brian told me. And that week was coming to its end. Until that moment, I haven't thought that George, the man who was standing right in front of me, will soon be gone and due to that fact he had been doing certain things that no one noticed: he was preparing all of us to accept his own death and not take it in a bad way, he was trying to teach us as much as he could before passing away. And George was not only helping Brian, he was also helping all of us because we were the only friends that his son had and he could see something good on all of us that he was trying to make us notice. And by looking into his eyes, I could notice that was all he really wanted to do before passing away. To have realized this made me feel even more distressed, therefore, I lowered my gaze and bit my lips strongly, making a big effort to keep holding my tears back. I really grew fond of him, I didn't want him to pass away, I wanted him to survive this damn disease, I wanted him to be alive.

"Hey, what's that face, my loyal adversary of jokes? Don't play the sad card! Play the humorous and funny card. It's always more rewarding." He winked and his teeth shone bright as he let out a smile.

I just nodded and fixed my gaze on my shoes to distract myself with something, trying really hard to hold back the tears. But then I looked up with my teary eyes in despair, fear and dejection as my lips began to quiver. When he noticed my great distress and vulnerability, he gave me one sad yet warm half-smile before pulling me into one of those types of embraces that only fathers are capable to give. I buried my face on his shoulder and when he rubbed my back I noticed he gave me permission to cry on his shoulder; so I did it, and the crying came as a puddle of blatant tears.

"Kiddo, I want you to remember that it is not bad to cry for those who are gone or who will soon be gone just as long as mourning them is not the only thing you're able to do, because then the crying, instead of being a way to release the pent-up emotions you feel when you lose a loved one, turn into something that can make you sink into depression too great that then it becomes hard to overcome." George said while rubbing my back as I allowed myself to find all the reassurance I needed on his embrace. "It's absolutely necessary to grieve the loved ones when they pass away, but grieving them should imply remembering the good memories you have with them and the things you learned in the span of life you shared. When you do that, then saying goodbye and rest in peace isn't something sad and hard to do, it becomes a 'thank you for being part of my life and I'm glad you lived your life to the fullest as long as you could'. Then you let go and smile because you know they were happy and you were happy with them, because they are no longer alive in this world, but they'll be eternally alive in your memory." He said now putting his shaky hands on my cheeks to look into my eyes with a kindhearted grin as I was sniffing, trying to stop the tears. He wiped my tears away and then patted the back of my head. "That is what matters and that is what I want you to acknowledge, because it can be applied in all areas of your life, kiddo. We have one short period of time in this life, you shouldn't waste it on mourn, you should fill it with joy. Then, when your time to leave this world comes, you'll smile and think 'I had a gratifying life'; and that will mean rest in peace." He finished saying with a pair of benignant eyes looking into mine. "Now, show me your smile, kiddo." He requested gently and I gave him one weak but warm-hearted and authentic smile. "That looks better." He winked and I chuckled softly.

"Thanks, George. I wish I'd met you earlier, so I'd have learned more of you and I'd have shared more time of my life with such an extraordinary man." I tried to articulate with my brittle voice.

"Oh, but you did meet me and I did meet you. Isn't it what actually matters? Remember it's not about the amount of time shared but the quality of that time shared what really matters, kiddo." He responded with another wink and I nodded.

"You're right, score one for you." I replied with a cracked giggle. "Thanks for being part of my life, George." I said wholeheartedly before enfolding my arms around him.

After that hug, I helped George to walk into the house and I led him to the couch of the living room as he requested me. Everybody was there; well, except Freckles and Brian. I glanced at them awkwardly and ashamed and once I helped George to sit, I stood upright, placed my hands in the pockets of my jeans and looked down, biting my lips. They will not forgive me; I knew that, even if George said I deserved to be forgiven, I couldn't feel like I deserved it; so they were in all their right to look at me that way.

"Come with me, Darren. I want to talk to you." Mandy's voice suddenly broke the silence. I looked up at her, partly frightened and partly ashamed; and then I nodded.

She led the way and I followed her as the rest followed me with their gaze in complete silence. I tried to calm down and I tried to prepare to be reprimanded, insulted and castigated. Even though I knew this would happen, I followed her because this was the result of my actions and I had to deal with it. She took me to the screened porch; she stood on the sliding glass doors, I entered and she gave me her back to close the doors as I felt very strained. When she turned around, she looked at me straight in the eye, very firmly and fixedly, and I did the same until I couldn't take it anymore and I looked down and gulped.

"I'm sorry, Mandy." I stated because I couldn't stand the silence and because I couldn't stand the remorse that was nagging at the back of my head. "I really..."

"Shut up, Darren." Mandy cut me off in a harsh way.

I held my breath and gulped, fixing my gaze on my shoes. I felt her steps coming closer to me as nervousness added up to my remorse and distress. She stood right in front of me and I noticed how she pored over my face.

"Mandy..." I whispered weakly.

"No, shut up." She demanded and I looked up at her terribly afflicted.

She remained silent, looking deeply and steadily into my eyes. I bit my lips and my eyes became moist because I didn't know how to apologize, she wouldn't let me talk and she would just look at me that way, without saying anything at all.

"I am furious." She blurted bluntly. I nodded and looked down again. "And I swear I just want to slap you again. I actually want to punch your stomach and make you shrink from pain and then kick your balls so hard to the point you can't even breathe and move; and after all of that I'd love to cut your dick off. But I'm a lady, so I should just slap you, but cut your dick off is what I really but really wish." She voiced severely, looking fiercely into my eyes as I was looking at her aghast and agape.

Geez, she just sounded so scary. Then she closed her eyes, breathed out forcefully, and pursed her lips with a grimace of annoyance. I was expecting her to slap me again, this time harder, so I tensed my body. She opened her eyes again to look into my eyes, this time in a less fierce way. Actually, I could see a hint of mercy in her eyes, which astounded me.

"However, I won't do any of that because I'm not the one who should do it. This is none of my business and I should have never meddled in whatever happened between you, my sister, your girlfriend and Brian. None of us should have meddled. If there's one person who should slap you, that's your girlfriend; and if there's one person who should cut your dick off, that's Brian. And the same goes for my sister, because she is just as guilty as you are. So yeah, I'm apologizing for slapping you and making everyone opine about what you and my sister did." She said while looking away and crossing her arms. Mandy apologizing was something weird to see because she was a very proud person; so this was a big deal.

"It's fine, Mandy. I guess I deserved..." I started saying.

"No, shut up, Darren!" She cut me off again, looking at me a bit irked. "Don't talk, okay? I don't want you to talk." She demanded and I sighed and nodded.

Then she looked away again and made a weird grimace, like the ones she used to make whenever she was about to say something nice, because she hated to say those kinds of things due to the fact she was the less demonstrative person. She let out a long sigh and then looked up as I was expectant to hear whatever she wanted to say.

"I also want to apologize because what you did with my sister doesn't make you be an abominable person, an asshole, a jackass, a douche, a scumbag and all the ways I called you. It just makes you be a friend who made a mistake, as George said. And, as George said, I should have never pointed at you and damned you for doing that mistake. It just makes you be a jerk, but I guess all of us are jerks. You're the biggest jerk, but we're jerks too, not as much as you and my sister... But yeah... A nice jerk who just made a mistake... A jerk that is our friend... Yeah..." She said very uncomfortable, rubbing her left arm and looking away as I was grinning slightly. "I'm sorry for treating you like the biggest piece of shit with legs and arms walking around. You're a human, not a piece of shit." She said and I grinned amused, taking advantage she wasn't looking at me, otherwise, she would insult me. "Also... I know what you did with my sister wasn't a mistake. That kiss wasn't a mistake, I know it. I know you wanted it and I'm almost sure my sister wanted it as well, so I'm aware it wasn't an accident or just because it happened, therefore, it wasn't a mistake." She said and my grin vanished as I looked down. "I shouldn't forgive you for that, because it was not a mistake and don't you dare to contradict me because you'd be bullshitting. By now you should know I'm not a person easily fooled." She pointed at me with her forefinger, getting angry again. However, she huffed, calmed down, and then looked at me sadly. That was really a huge change. "Nonetheless, I can't be mad at you for that mistake that wasn't a mistake. I can't be mad at you and my sister because of that kiss. Although what you did caused too much pain to others and made them feel miserable and worthless, I know that kiss wasn't because the intention was to cheat on your respective significant others, it wasn't a meaningless kiss." She sighed with an afflicted face and then she bit her lips and looked intently into my eyes as I was just confused as fuck. I honestly didn't get her. "I feel really bad for Brian and February because they didn't deserve that, especially for Brian because he is like my brother and he is one of the most big-hearted people I know who would even give up his own life for his loved ones, if not the only one. He truly did not deserve being betrayed and hurt; no one ever should hurt him. How could people hurt someone like him?" She asked while frowning in distress. There were few times I saw Mandy distressed and this was one of those few times. And she was right. "He saved my sister's life when she wanted to kill herself and he saved your life when Jim was about to shoot you, yet you two betrayed him and instead of saving him, you killed him with this, I am sure. A metaphoric death, of course." She said at the verge of crying, but she held her tears back.

I looked down and I gulped when my throat tightened. Shit, she was absolutely right. My eyes filled with tears again because I couldn't believe I was this kind of douchebag. Out of all the people, I hurt the one who saved my life, only because I wanted to be with Freckles. I was completely selfish. This time, I couldn't hold my tears back; nevertheless, I shed those tears silently. I felt how a pair of soft and delicate hands held mine and when I looked up I saw Mandy looking at me sadly.

"Don't cry, Darren. Now everybody understands that your intention was never to hurt Brian, and he'll understand it, too. He's a very understanding person. He will forgive you." Mandy said softly.

"He shouldn't forgive me." I wailed as tears kept racing down my cheeks. I shook my head and I sat on the floor to cover my face and cry my eyes out. "I am a terrible, awful, nasty person! He should not forgive me." I uttered with muffled and choked voice, accompanied with great sobs.

Mandy kneeled next to me, wrapped an arm around me and placed her head on my shoulder. This was extremely sweet of her, therefore, extremely odd. Hence, I uncovered my face and I threw my arms around her neck, burying my head on her shoulder. It seemed that today I wouldn't spend any single minute without crying and trying to find reassurance on other people's embraces. Mandy got surprised because of this, but after a couple minutes she hugged me back.

"Listen, Darren. Don't cry because... Because I cannot stand when someone cries and makes me want to cry, too. I hate it, please, don't make me cry." She complained but softly and with brittle voice. I let out a choked chuckle in between my tears and I parted to wipe my tears away and look at her who was about to cry again. "Damn shit, I will stop trying to seem super cold and unfeeling for once in my life... But... Don't... Don't make fun of me." She said with wheezy voice and eyes full of tears. "I don't wanna see you crying, not because I cannot stand when people cry, but because... I cannot stand seeing my friends suffering and crying, because it makes me deeply afflicted and I really don't know how to make them feel better. And you are my friend, you really are, and I adore you as such, despite the time we were apart, and despite all of our disputes and insults and all. I don't want you to cry because I wouldn't know how to demonstrate affection or reassurance, I really don't know because I'm a bitch." She said while looking away, her tears nearly escaping the corner of her eyes and her lips quivering. I looked deeply into her eyes, grinned sweetly, and then pulled her into a tight hug.

"You're not a bitch, Mandy. You are my friend."

That was all I had to say to make her break into tears for the first time in a while. Of course I saw her crying before, but she always cried because of something wrong she did and she didn't know how to apologize; she never cried as a way to release her pent-up emotions and because of something nice that she was told. She parted and I wiped her smeared makeup. Then she gave me one of those weird sweet smiles of hers.

"I want you to know that you suck, Criss." She joked while sniffing and I chuckled softly before giving her another sweet smile. "I also want you to know that you should stop saying that you don't deserve being forgiven because that's absurd, because truth is no one is guilty here, or rather, everybody is guilty here." She said and I looked down and frowned. "You and my sister are guilty because you kissed when you're dating other people. February and Brian are guilty because they allowed this to get to this point, because they were always aware that you and my sister aren't in love with them and you'll never be, even if you try. The rest of us are guilty because we've been sensing something like this could happen, but we always played dumb, and when it happened, we opted for the option to blame you instead of blaming ourselves for not doing anything about it. And I'm especially guilty because I forced my sister to be with Brian somehow, I made Brian believe that my sister really had feelings for him so that I gave him false hopes, and I pushed you away when I'm aware that you and my sister are made for each other." She explained and I looked at her stunned, my lips parted because it was Mandy the one who was saying this, someone who never liked too much the idea of me and Freckles together. She nodded slightly and pursed her lips, looking deeply into my eyes. "I know that just as for you no one would replace my sister, for my sister no one would replace you. You guys loved each other so much, and you still love each other, no matter how hard you try to deny it. You two will never be able to love someone else, just for the simple fact that you found each other, you found your respective true love, that true love that sometimes it takes a lifetime to find and sometimes some people never find." She added with a sad yet warm half-smile; and then she let out a sigh. "That's why I can't be mad at you and my sister for that kiss, because there was true love in that kiss, because that kiss was always the right thing to do, only that it should have been when you weren't dating other people. That's the same reason why everybody will forgive you, the same reason why Brian will forgive you. You cannot not forgive a kiss in which true love was involved; and Brian knows a lot about true love because he's been feeling it since the very first time he met my sister, so he will understand you and I'm pretty sure he'll step aside to let you and my sister be together." Mandy said partly anguished, looking down. It was understandable, though, she always wanted Freckles to be with Brian. After a while, she looked up and smiled faintly. "You two will be together at the end, and I'm sure both you and my sister always knew it."

"I don't want Brian to step aside. He loves Freckles and they deserve to be happy together. I don't want him to lose her because of my fault. I already caused too much pain and shit." I whispered with my stare blank, feeling very remorseful again.

"Yes, he loves her; she's the love of his life." Mandy sighed. "But cannot you see it, Darren? When you truly love someone, not in the way 'I have feelings for you', but in the way 'Every part of my soul is yours', then all you want is to see that person happy." She said gently, her voice sounding sweeter than ever. When I glanced at her I noticed a tender grin that soon turned into a bit sad grimace. "And Brian knows and always knew that my sister will be happy only if she's with you. If he's with her now, it's because for once in his life he dared to do something for himself that is to feel what it is like to be with the person he loves; but this kiss between you and her was like a wake-up call for him to realize that it's already time to step aside and let her be happy for real." And her words really devastated me.

"Guilt is gonna kill me, Mandy. I can't let Brian step aside because he never had a damn shit! He never had anything good! His whole life is just a collection of crappy moments with just few good moments that never lasted. I just can't let him walk away from Freckles because she's the only good thing he has that can last. I can't deprive him of that happiness. It wouldn't be fair! He is my friend, Mandy, one of those greatest friends! I want him to have good things in his life. He needs to have good things, I'm sick of him getting always the worst part! He doesn't deserve it, he doesn't fucking deserve it!" I burst out with my feelings and thoughts; experiencing one of my greatest outbursts and meltdowns.

I was feeling terribly sorrowful for Brian and I was feeling totally angry with myself, besides feeling remorseful. I was panting and feeling dizzy because of the way I yelled and the way I let out everything I was feeling all of a sudden. When Mandy placed a hand above mine and when she looked at me with a pair of sympathetic eyes was when I got to calm down a little bit.

"I agree with you." She said and I bit my lips and nodded. "He doesn't deserve to get always the worst part. He deserves to get good things that can last, it is for that same reason that he needs to step aside, because if he stays with my sister, one way or another, he will end up hurt. I believe that someday he'll find another person who will be able to love him with the same intensity he now loves my sister; but that person will never be my sister. So don't feel guilty because of this, Darren, for we don't choose what to feel or not." She said gently, looking deeply into my eyes. I just looked away and frowned. I didn't want it. No matter what Mandy could say Brian shouldn't lose Freckles. He did not deserve to lose Freckles. "I say we should just wait to see what happens. In the meantime, I want you to stop feeling guilty. Can you do that?"

"No." I refused quickly and strongly, shaking my head as Mandy huffed.

"Try it, Darren, come on." She insisted a bit weary owing to my stubbornness.

"Alright, I'll try it." I sighed, looking away and knowing, deep down, that I'll probably never be able to stop feeling guilty for all of this.

This was last thing we said before we left the screened porch. Mandy joined everybody in the living room where a lively conversation was taking part; but I didn't feel like joining a lively conversation, so I headed to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. I got distracted looking through the window of the kitchen, seeing how it was snowing outside as I was engulfed in my thoughts. How could I make things get better now? That was the question that led me to this meditative state. That was until I heard how someone behind me opened the door of the refrigerator. By the time I turned around, the door of the refrigerator was closed and I could see who it was. Brian was holding a bottle of water and he was now looking at me. I gasped and my heart began to pound really fast when I looked into his eyes. I froze and my body began to shiver lightly. I felt like I couldn't either breathe or talk, I couldn't even blink. Brian frowned slightly while sipping the water and I began to mutter with my mouth, but no sound came out; because right in the moment I looked into his eyes, a sort of deep remorse and sorrow came over my body. Because right when I looked into his eyes I realized that from the moment he found out I kissed Freckles nothing will ever be the same. Something was broken and lost in the middle and we will never be the friends we got to be. Right in the moment I looked into his eyes I knew I'd never forgive myself for all the pain I inflicted on him, the way he trusted on me and the way I betrayed him, the way I destroyed all of his hopes of being happy with the person he loved, the way I took the love of his life away from him. Right when I looked into his eyes I realized there were no enough words to apologize for all I did to him. And I felt self-hatred because of all I caused. I looked down because I was no longer able to continue looking at him in the eye without feeling this guilt-ridden that was gobbling me.

"Are you okay, buddy?" I felt a heavy hand resting on my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and pulled my brows downwards, feeling awfully doleful, when I heard his gentle voice tone asking me that when I should have been the one asking. I opened my eyes and I slowly looked up to look into his eyes again. This time he was standing right in front of me, so I felt even worse when I looked into his eyes, the guilt-ridden increased immensely. He called me 'buddy' after all he knew about what I did to him.

"Hey, you don't look fine. Come on, mate, you should sit." He said and took me by the arm to lead me to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. I let him help me to sit and then he sat next to me and handed me the bottle of water. "Drink some, it'll help." He said gently and with each gentle word he was saying I was feeling worse. "Darren…"

"Punch my face, Brian." I voiced, finally looking at him again in the eye with absolute guilt. He frowned and parted his lips.

"Why would I?" He asked confused and I took him by the wrist to move his hand closer to my face as he resisted and struggled to keep his hand away from my face. And of course he won me. "What are you doing, Darren?"

"Just punch my fucking face!" I screamed in despair, gasping. He remained puckering his brows and looking at me as though I was out of my mind. "Punch my face. Punch my face. Punch my face." I repeated in a whisper while looking down, gasping and shedding some tears, feeling all torn up and wretched.

"What is wrong with you, man?" He asked puzzled, placing his hand on my shoulder again. I rested my elbow on the breakfast bar, covered my face with my left hand, turned my head and continued shedding tears in silence. "Hey, what's the matter, buddy?"

"I don't deserve to be called buddy. I'm just a fucking douchebag who betrayed a great guy and friend when his back was turned." I sobbed with my face still held in hands.

After I said this, a profound silence came over the place. I glanced at Brian and I saw he was staring blankly at some random point; his face no longer reflected concern but reflected a hint of sorrow. He was slightly frowning and his eyes were moist, as his lips were slightly pursed. He totally got what I meant and why I insisted him to punch my face. He now knew that I knew he knew what happened between me and his girlfriend. When I saw his distressed face and when I noticed he had no intentions to punch me as he should do, a loud wail came out from my mouth and in that very moment he turned his face to look at me.

"Do you love her?" He asked with strangled voice and I just let out a groan and closed my eyes. "Darren, answer me, do you love her?" He repeated but I did not answer. I could not answer that and I couldn't get why he was asking me those things instead of hitting me. "Are you completely sure you're in love with her?" He asked and I cried even harder, running a hand over my face. "Are you completely sure you want to be with her, you will never hurt her intentionally, you want to make her happy? Are you completely sure you are willing to give her all of you? Darren, are you completely sure she is the one and only person you want to be with, not just for now but for the rest of your life?" He kept asking with choked voice. I opened my eyes again to look at him in abject misery, my eyes full of tears that wouldn't stop stream down already wet cheeks. He also had teary eyes, but he was not shedding a single tear. "Darren, are you completely sure she is the love of your life?" He asked and his voice cracked as he was piercing me with his gaze. What was I supposed to answer? I didn't want to answer that and hurt him even more. "If you are my real friend, you'll answer me and you'll let me know the truth. Answer me, are you completely sure she is the love of your life?"

"Yes, she is." I sobbed loudly and propped my forehead up with my hand, feeling one of the greatest pains in my chest I've ever felt.

With my blurred vision I managed to see how a single but slow and grievous tear escaped the corner of his green, teary eyes and dripped into his quivering mouth. Then he finally took his eyes off me, looked down and nodded slightly. He wiped away another tear that fell down his face before it could drip into his mouth. Then he stood up and squeezed my shoulder.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, buddy." His strangulated voice rang in my ears.

Right after that, he sighed and turned on his heels. I was too ashamed, too remorseful, too broken to look at him; but I did notice he started walking away. I rested my head on the breakfast bar and crossed my arms above my head to try to release this pain that was engulfing my very core.

"Darren..." I heard Brian's voice again; I looked up and tried to focus my gaze on him. He was standing right in the entrance of the kitchen and was looking at me with a half-smile. "I forgive you, buddy."

---

BRIAN'S POV

---

I knocked Jen's bedroom door and waited for her to open the door. In the meantime, I started thinking about the way Jen started helping me. It was certainly not the best way to start and I was about to tell her that I did not want more of her 'help' that wasn't helpful at all.

"How do you think it'll feel like this whole process of letting her go?" I asked her, in one of those times we went out with the excuse to go jogging when in fact we were doing that to talk.

"It will hurt. And it'll take time. It's a process." Jen responded in all honesty, looking deeply into my eyes, with a half yet encouraging smile. "But make the most of what you have, and not let future pain ruin present happiness."

Well, now that I was thinking about it, it didn't seem so bad. But in that moment that made me feel really bad. I didn't want more hurting; I was doing this precisely because I was trying to stop these hurtful feelings. But what really made me feel upset and furious was another conversation; and it was that conversation that made me want to stop doing this with Jen.

"Tell me about Freckles. Not the things I already know about her, but the things I don't. Tell me how she was last year, tell me all the things you used to do together last year, tell me how you became her best friend. Tell me." She requested and I decided to be open-hearted in order to make these conversations work, so I told her everything about us. "Since when do you love her?" She asked after I told her everything.

"High school, my Sophomore year." I answered shortly.

"Do you really love her since high school or you started to love her in the year when she was away from Darren and she only had you?" She questioned and that simple question made me feel already a bit irked. Why would she doubt about my answer? Besides, her questioning made no sense. What did Darren have to do with all this?

"Since high school, I already told you. Why are you wondering that?" I asked bluntly and she made a thoughtful grimace, frowning slightly. She did not notice my slight annoyance.

"Because Freckles wasn't like this before, she was different and she changed radically in the year when she only had you. This new Freckles? She's product of you. You have created her. You created her new personality, her new way of thinking, her new way to see things." Jen answered and I raised my eyebrows and looked at her in disbelief. Was she really saying something like that? As if Sunny was a robot or something. "You were the one who taught her how to be strong in all the hard situations she has to face, you were the one who taught her how to be happy with little and simple things, you were the one who taught her how to move on and never give up when she feels down, you were the one who taught her to hang on to the good things she has, you were the one who taught her how to be self-confident and how to love and respect herself, you were the one who taught her to have hopes and never lose them, you were the one who taught her how to learn from her mistakes and not feel bad because of them." She started explaining and I was just looking away, frowning and clenching my jaw. It wasn't so like that. I just helped her, no more than that. However, she continued talking. "You were the one who convinced and made her see that life is beautiful because behind the clouds the sun is still shinning and after the storm comes the rainbow. You were the one who convinced her to believe that only because sometimes we think we live in a cruel and unfair world doesn't mean that we don't live in a wonderful world, full of good things for us, that it just takes us to learn how to appreciate them." She elaborated and I was raising an eyebrow, slightly shaking my head, incredulous. I did not convince her, I did not force her to believe that; I just made her see that point of view. "All of these things you taught her are part of your own personality, your own convictions, your own ideas and way to think, and your own ways to conceive and live life based on all the things you've learned, on the experiences you had, and on the way you've lived your life. If you hadn't shared all of these things with her, if you hadn't talked to her and if you hadn't convinced her that this was good for her, she'd have never been the person she is now." She stated and I looked at her annoyed, letting out a bitter and short chuckle. What was she saying? That Sunny wasn't being herself? That all about her was a lie? That I brainwashed her or something? "You see, she is what you've created of her, of what you wanted her to be. And you've created her because you wanted to help her to be happy. But maybe you've also created her because you were trying to help yourself, too; because all the things you wanted her to be were the things that could help you to overcome all the troubles you've had throughout your whole life but you never could get due to the fact that it's always easier to tell someone what the right thing to do is, but it's always harder to implement those things in your own life; so it's always easier to see how someone else does all of those things instead of doing them yourself." She finished saying and I was already feeling very disgruntled and angry.

Was she really saying that I used Sunny for my own benefit? Was she also saying that I influenced and altered Sunny's personality to manipulate her to do what I wanted? Was she trying to say that I was the lazy, coward type of person who wouldn't do anything when things are bad? Honestly, what the heck was she trying to say? I laughed bitterly, shaking my head in complete skepticism and reluctance.

"That's completely senseless." I professed my incredulity. "What are you even trying to say?" I asked roundly, making evident I was discontented with all she stated.

"The question is if you love her because you see in her all the things you always wanted to be and you never could." Jen asked, also bluntly, looking intently into my eyes.

"Okay. What?" I asked even more irate and skeptical. I narrowed my eyes and I pierced her eyes with my dangerously unsatisfied gaze. "Are you trying to tell me that what I feel for her is not real?" I asked and my voice sounded throaty. "Because I feel something for her, I feel something when I'm with her, I feel something when she hugs me or kisses me, I feel something when I see her, something I've never felt for anybody else, something deep, a profound love." I voiced with raised eyebrows, not taking my eyes off her. Then I raised one eyebrow. "All of those feelings aren't real? Are you trying to tell me that all of those feelings I have for her are an illusion and the only feeling I have is some kind of admiration because she's what I want to be, because she's something I have created?" I questioned, noticeably vexed; because she offered to help me, not to judge me and say bullshit about me and Sunny. She wasn't even trying to understand me.

And that conversation full of ambiguous assumptions, both on my part and on her part, was followed by a rough dispute that ended up in a fraught situation in which I was furious and obstinate, and she was upset and disappointed. That was the first dispute I've ever had with Jen and I couldn't believe I lost my temper like that, perhaps because lately I've been feeling very susceptible. After spending one hour ignoring each other, without speaking at the park, we finally apologized to each other and Jen told me she could understand the bad way I reacted because she knew this was something hard for me, but if she was saying those things was for the sole purpose of helping me, I just had to be patient. And she convinced me to continue having our secret conversations. I knocked the door of her bedroom a second time.

"Brian!" Jen finally opened the door and I grinned slightly. "I'm sorry; I was looking for something to wear. I'll be ready in a couple of minutes. Would you mind to wait for me in the living room?"

"Yeah, no problem. I just want to let you know that it's not necessary to leave the house to talk today, we can stay." I responded and she frowned slightly.

"What about Freckles? She could listen." She pointed out and I nodded.

"Well, my dad insisted he wanted to take her out, alone, so they will be gone till the afternoon." I responded while shrugging, still wondering why my dad wouldn't want me to join them.

"Oh, that's good news because it's freezing outside and I really wasn't in mood to go jogging." She chuckled and I smiled softly. "In that case, why don't you come in so we talk here in my bedroom? Just in case someone happens to listen to us." She suggested and I shrugged and nodded.

"Fine, I'll wait here until you're ready."

After that, she smiled and closed the door. I leaned my back against the wall and I waited for several minutes until she opened the door again and gestured me to come in. She indicated me to sit on her bed as she sat on the chair of her desk, joking that I was the patient and she was the psychoanalyst, Freud-style. When I was already sitting on her bed, I started looking around to get distracted with something while she was finishing some sort of article she had to write for the company she worked. I really liked her bedroom, it was big but cozy, and it was sober instead of being super fancy and flamboyant. Everything was very tidy and clean, the room had good lighting and it had a pleasant floral aroma. But what I liked the most was that she had tons of books, even those books that I always wanted to read but I never could. It seemed she liked to read, too; well, obviously, she was studying journalism. I looked at her nightstand and I saw my new book there, something that surprised me but made me grin; and next to my book there was a picture frame with a close-up photo of Jen, Darren and Sunny when they were in high school.

"Alright, I'm finished!" She announced and I quickly shifted my gaze from that picture. The least I needed was to be caught poking around her belongings. "Okay... Do you wanna talk about what you recently found out? I mean, what happened between Darren and Freckles? How you felt about it?"

I looked down and placed my hands on my knees. I thought that people ask all the time how I'm doing, but the truth was, they didn't really want to know. However, Jen was looking fixedly at me as though she was expecting my answer. What was I supposed to say? Wasn't it obvious how I was feeling? My girlfriend and my best friend kissed. Although I forgave them because I knew their intention was never to do me wrong, I was feeling heartbroken. It hurt a lot. I was feeling as if nothing that would happen in the near future was of any worth or value. And I myself was feeling as if I've lost a lot of worth and value. It also kind of hurt literally, like my chest tightened up and threatened to drop me to my knees, like my heart and my throat have actually been torn out of my body and my guts were churning. I was feeling empty, like a part of my body has gone, and it has just left this pain that wouldn't go away, like there was a hole in my chest, sometimes I was numb, and sometimes I was overwhelmed with pain as though someone was trying to rip my heart out and stomp on it. I was feeling like I literally couldn't breathe right, like something was physically missing in my heart, and like I had to clutch my chest every minute to ease the pain. I was feeling like I couldn't ever rest, emotionally, I couldn't feel comfortable, because she was the source of my comfort, and now I had nowhere to go, and I just didn't know what to do. I was feeling like I died inside. I couldn't answer that. So, what was I supposed to say? 'I'm fine'? I wasn't even in mood to come up with that sort of lie. And if anything, what was the point of talking about this? Actually, what was the point of talking about everything with Jen? I was aware that talking wouldn't change it. But sometimes it was what I wanted most, to tell someone; often, I just wanted to escape those horrid feelings, to escape myself, so there was no pain, no fear, and no ugliness. That was why I accepted talking to Jen.

"Still trying to come to terms with it." My answer was.

"Why did you forgive them if you're still trying to come to terms with it?" She asked, looking curiously into my eyes. I looked up and smiled weakly.

"Because they deserve to be forgiven for I know their intention was never to hurt me or hurt February. They didn't do that on purpose and they were truly repentant, I could see that when I looked into their eyes. And what kind of friend won't forgive their friends for one mistake they've made? It's not like I'm some sort of heartless asshole. I love them." I answered in all honesty, looking into Jen's eyes as she was smiling a bit sadly. "Besides, I'm not trying to come to terms with the fact they kissed; I'm trying to come to terms with the way I am feeling right now, it's something about me, not them or what they did."

"Are you blaming yourself for what happened? Are you feeling, somehow, guilty?" She asked in a whisper. I sighed and looked at my knees again.

"Yes, Jen." I dared to tell the truth. "I tried to hang on to her even when I knew she was still in love with Darren. If I hadn't done it, then they wouldn't have felt guilty for kissing each other, they wouldn't have had the need to hide something they really felt like doing. Of course I am guilty."

"You are not guilty. It's not your fault." She answered and I just raised an eyebrow and looked away, letting out a long sigh. It was in vain to contradict her, because I knew it would end up in a dispute and I really wasn't in mood to start one. "And even after what Darren and Freckles did to you, do you still love Freckles?" She questioned, but not in a reproaching way.

What kind of question was that? Was she really asking me so or was it a rhetorical question? She was awaiting the answer, though. Seriously? Sometimes I had the feeling that Jen still hasn't understood what I really felt for Sunny, or she wasn't trying to understand it.

"Of course I still love her. You can't just turn love off. You still feel it, despite everything." I responded as if it was the most obvious thing. "Even if I'm aware that our relationship is dying, if it ever was alive, I still love her so much."

"Brian, how can you be so sure that what you have with Freckles is dying? What if all this that happened would help your relationship grow stronger?" She asked while frowning slightly. I just gave her a faint and sad smile.

"How am I so sure? Well, because being close but feeling far, talking but not being heard, loving but not being loved, that is the painful reality of a dying relationship. And, sadly, that is what it's happening between me and her, Jen." I responded quietly, trying to hide the great distress I felt when I said that. She nodded with her stare blank, then she sighed, shifted on her chair and looked piercingly into my eyes for a while.

"I'll ask you this for the last time. I know I've been asking you this since we started our conversations, but this time, take your time to answer, do not answer right away like the other times. I want you to be completely sure because this is the last time I'm gonna ask you so. Okay?" She requested softly and I nodded, already knowing what he question was. "Are you sure you want to let her go?"

As Jen requested, I took my time to think about it before answering. In my attempt to look away, my gaze focused on the photo on Jen's nightstand and I observed Sunny's smiling face. I thought about the possibility to remain together and wait for her until she could be able to fall in love with me and so that be happy together as I always longed for. I also thought about the possibility to let her go and forget her so that she could be truly happy with the person she was in love with. And I didn't know what the best option was. Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to make can sometimes be the most painful.

"Brian?" Jen's voice made me realize that I've been silently thinking for a really long time.

But I just couldn't make a decision. It was being harder than ever. I paid attention to Sunny's genuine smile in that photo that was taken when she was dating Darren. She looked not just cheerful like now, she looked radiant. Then I closed my eyes to accept the hard reality that I've been trying to blind all this time. It was time. Even though I'd told her that I couldn't walk away from her, I finally realized that I loved her too much to fuck her life by staying, or to lose her completely by forcing us both to hang on until we hated each other. I was in love with her; I couldn't imagine my life without her in it; but at the same time, I wanted her to have better. I was pretty aware that it didn't matter how bad I wanted a person, if our hearts were in two different places, I'll have to pass and move on. There was no other way. Being aware sucks, I thought. It hurt too much to hang on. So why did it hurt so much to let go, too? Perhaps because once fallen in true love, a person can't really fall out of it, no matter what. Some part of her will always reside in my heart.

"Yes, I want to let her go." My own voice penetrated my ears and echoed in my mind, causing a disturbing sensation that brought nothing but a profound anguish.

"Are you sure, Brian? Because once you do it, there won't be a chance to go back in time to get her back." Jen clarified and I felt like something was breaking inside my heart.

"I know." My voice cracked and I had to look at Sunny's smile on that photo not to take my words back. Once I did it, I spoke again. "I'm sure. I want to let her go." My words sounded heavy in my mouth. "I know it's the right thing to do, because I know if I do this, not only Sunny will feel free and happy, but Darren too... It's just that... It just feels so wrong to me. I mean... What next?" I asked with breathy voice, shrugging and trying my best to avoid eye contact.

"Well, doing the right thing for someone else occasionally means doing something that feels wrong to you." She answered mildly, her voice sounding peaceful. "And what next? Well, maybe it's time to start making your own dreams come true, those dreams you've put aside in your life. Why have you done it?"

"Because that's exactly what happens to dreams, life gets in the way." I responded downhearted.

I remained silent for a long time and I knew Jen was examining my face, possibly judging me or drawing her own conclusions and assumptions, but I didn't care. I started playing with something very special I had in my pocket until I pulled it out to hold it in my hands and look at it. It was a silly thing that in the eyes of others could be something that should be thrown away or spent, but it had a lot of meaning to me. It was a Lincoln one-cent coin. I had it since the first time Sunny and I played heads or tails and we tossed this coin that belonged to her to see who would be the one choosing a movie, the first movie we watched together that was in the last days of my Senior year in high school; and since the time we watched that movie we started to become friends for real. Sunny didn't even know that I kept that coin, because I was always carrying it with me secretly. I rolled the coin across my knuckles and the image of her face mocking me because she won popped up in my mind; so I smiled sadly.

"Sunny was my only dream." I confessed with choked voice, staring the coin. "I love her so freaking much." I whispered with brittle voice, remembering how lively her laugh sounded in that moment.

"I know you love her, but it's okay to let it go now." Jen spoke and this time I felt her voice right next to me.

I glanced at her and noticed she was now sitting on bed at my left. I looked at the coin again and I felt like I would never be able to stop staring at it because it reminded me of Sunny, and I wanted to remember all of this. I just couldn't stop holding firmly that coin, as if that coin was actually Sunny.

"The thought of letting go of someone makes you hold on to them even more... Some things are just hard to let go of." I whispered while rolling the coin between my fingers, feeling my eyes moist due to the distress that grew in my chest.

"True." Jen whispered gently.

Then I felt her hands on mine and she took the coin away from me before I could react. I looked at her horrified and sorrowful as though she was not taking a coin away from me, but she was taking my life away from me; because that was the most significant material thing I had of Sunny, if not the only one. I tried to take it back because I needed it, I needed to have it with me, to feel it in my hands; but she stuffed it into her pocket, perhaps sensing that the coin reminded me of Sunny. I tried to beg her to give it back to me, but no sound came out from my mouth, so I just looked at her in a supplicant way, my eyes reflecting despair. She noticed this, because she made an afflicted grimace; nonetheless, she kept it in her pockets and smiled sadly at me as a way to tell me she wouldn't return it to me. Instead, she spoke again.

"But there is no ongoing life without this process of letting go. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go, we stunt the growth of the soul." She said and I looked down and frowned before letting out a heavy sigh.

"Alright, but sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over. To start over without that one person who has been part of me since years, without that one person who saved me from my deepest darkness. To start over without her is the hardest part, what really scares me. I'm afraid to sink again without her." I confessed, my voice sounding trembling and low; because after saying this, the world seemed horribly big and empty. Because the future was a very frightening concept when I'd previously planned on sharing it with her.

"I know what the reasons to feel such a thing are." She replied and I looked at her intrigued and amazed because she actually could have an answer for one of my doubts. "When we think we've been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear... When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all. Actually, you're not afraid to sink because she won't be there, you're just scared of your fearful past that you still have to release." She stated and I looked at my knees to think about it. She had a point. But no, I was sure I needed Sunny in my life; it was not only about that fearful past I still had to release. "Remember that there was a time when you could live without that person; nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. You need to close a cycle. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished." She said and I looked at her astonished because it seemed she could read my mind; maybe she was very good at reading people's faces whose grimaces were the reflection of what we were thinking and feeling.

"I just wish it could have lasted more. I wish I could have been requited. I wish I could have felt something full, complete with her. It's unfair to close a cycle without first feeling for the first time how the only person I've ever loved, loved me back. I can't detach myself from her, because I never got to experience such a thing; something will always be missing in between one chapter and another. Nothing will be gained if I close that cycle." I exposed with brittle voice owing to the great dejection and emptiness I was feeling.

Yet I managed to control my emotions and not let out a single tear. Jen looked deeply into my eyes, not showing some kind of pity, but showing me she was starting to understand how distressed this whole situation had me. She moved closer to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, Brian… It doesn't matter who you love, it doesn't matter be requited or not, or if the relationship lasts or not. The only thing that matters is the experience of loving; that is what transforms us." She said with a sweet smile directed at me.

"Maybe. Maybe it did transform me. But it just hurts too much the fact that I'm losing the one person I love to bits. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her, Jen; without her… I am nothing. And I'm not saying this as a way to recall the tragic romanticism you read in books… I really mean it, it is not figurative. She saved me from my loneliness; she was the first person who allowed me to be part of her life when everybody else was trying to push me away, when everybody else abandoned me. Before her, I was no one… I had nothing. The only worthy reason to live I had was my dad, and my dad will be gone in a matter of days… Then what will happen? I'll be just some pitiful guy who has nothing worthy to give, to do, to be. My dad and Sunny are the only special things in my life and I'll lose both of them." I blurted, completely sinking into the greatest despair and misery I've ever experienced. I was losing my way, if I haven't lost it already. Jen was now looking at me with lips parted and a grieved look, clearly bewildered for the things I said. Therefore, I looked down out of shame for saying all of that out loud.

"You know?" She asked with strangled voice. She cleared her throat and then spoke again, with her normal voice. "Ernest Hemingway said and I quote: The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

Right after she said that, I frowned because her words made me remember an event of my past that I haven't remembered in a while. I was with my dad in our apartment in San Francisco, we were alone, just having dinner, the radio playing in the background to muffle the sound of street fights of our neighbors, everything as usual. It took place during my first days of my Senior year in high school, when Jim was already forcing me to bully Sunny. It was specifically the day I knocked her unconscious, when she got the scar on her jaw; so I remembered I was feeling terribly troubled, afflicted and desperate. I needed to talk to someone. It was an ordinary evening, and sometime ago this conversation would have been just as ordinary, but now it seemed it was one of the most important conversations I had with my dad.

"There's a girl, daddy." I voiced, not able to look at him in the eye out of embarrassment.

"A girl." He smiled a bit.

"She kinda hates me, and I kinda..." I began to say tentatively, feeling a bit nervous and completely shy.

"Love her?" He finished the sentence for me, showing me one amused grin.

"I don't know. I mean... How do you know?" I asked in confusion and very curious, finally looking at him.

"Because you're talking about her with your old father because you don't know what else to do." He winked and grinned widely.

"I'm pathetic, aren't I?" I sighed, again looking down, biting my lips.

"No, you aren't. Being in love with someone is a very wonderful feeling, but I just want you to always remember something: It's quite gratifying to find a special girl you can give your love just as long as you never forget that you're special too. Maybe you won't understand it now, but someday you'll realize this makes absolute sense." My dad said with a kind smile, patting my back. And as he said, in that moment I didn't understand what he tried to say with that.

Now everything he said that day made sense to me. My dad warned me about this and I haven't thought about it until the moment Jen said those words. I looked at my shoes as my eyes began to fill with tears and my breathing became ragged. My dad knew something like this could happen and Jen was the one who noticed this already happened: I lost myself and I forgot I was special too. I didn't know why I was special, but my dad believed in me, and so did Jen, judging by what she said. How to find yourself again after forgetting the things that make you special? How to feel special again when all you consider special are one person who will soon pass away and another person who will draw away from you?

"Brian, are you okay?" I heard Jen's voice asking concerned.

Her voice sounded distant, despite the fact she was right next to me. I was just too engrossed and wrapped up into my memories, thoughts and feelings. Slowly, I came again to the situation that was currently surrounding me. Still with teary eyes, I looked up at Jen and I made a great effort to bring a smile, to banish a tear.

"I don't even ask happiness, just a little less pain." I beseeched in complete resignation, knowing that would be the best I could get.

"Pain is a complex term to use." Jen whispered and I completely misinterpreted the intention of that statement.

"I know what pain is." I said almost provocatively, because I was tired of hearing that I was too young or whatever bullshit to feel real pain. Jen tried to correct herself, but I kept talking. "I've loved her since before she knew me. But I waited. I waited because I didn't want to lie about who I was. I wanted her to know the truth before anything else. So I waited, and I did my job. For years, I protected her, biding my time, until the day she opened her arms up to me and let me get in." My voice cracked and a sad smile crossed my lips. "But she never let me get in completely, because her heart was already occupied by someone else, there was no room for me to stay. However, I shrank to try to fit in it; and I shrank too much to the point I couldn't realize that I was choking, that I couldn't breathe, that each day that passed, there was less room for me to fit in, then I was slowly dying inside. And that pressure of trying to fit into a place where there wasn't even a little room to stay was very painful." I said with breathy voice, my eyes watery and my breathing ragged due to the sensation of restlessness and suffocation I was feeling. "So I know exactly what pain is." I finished saying almost in tears.

I knew two types of crying: When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat; that one is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. Then there was the other one, when you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside, that one is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't; that pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything. And that small tear was the one that was now slowly rolling down my cheek. Jen remained extremely silent, observing how that small and slow tear was leaving a trace on my face to end up in the corner of my mouth. Afterwards, her fingers brushed my cheek to wipe away the wet trace that the tear left. I looked at her astounded by this nice gesture of hers.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing." She let out a jaded huff. I frowned a bit confused because I wasn't expecting to hear this from her. "People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?" She questioned and her question flustered me. "Pain is meant to wake us up; nonetheless, people try to hide their pain. They're wrong. Pain is something to carry because you feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters." She said while piercing me with her eyes as I was looking at her befuddled, my lips slightly parted. "Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you, of your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." She said with absolute clarity, her voice modulated. I raised my eyebrows in complete amazement. "If I can see pain in your eyes, then share with me your tears. And, if anything, tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart."

In that moment I realized that I still hadn't learned that growing up is all about getting hurt, and then getting over it. But when Jen spoke, I realized one thing: You get hurt, you recover, you move on; and odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. I understood that pain is a part of life; sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle that life is itself. I understood that pain teaches us and tells us that we're alive; then it passes away and leaves us changed. It leaves us wiser, sometimes; stronger some other times. I realized that either way pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to me in life would involve it in one degree or another. Therefore, I had the right to feel and show my pain. And I thought that what looked like crap from one angle might be art from another. Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know myself; maybe I needed to get whacked hard by life before I understood what I wanted out of it. And in that very moment, for the first time in my life, in an introspective look, I became aware of the fact that, perhaps, the pain I was feeling was the solution for all the wrong things in my life, my pain could save me, inasmuch as it would allow me to regain the dreams that I always left aside for my entire life.

"Brian..." She whispered and took one of my hands in hers as all I could do was to look at her in awe. "Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go."

Let it go. I had hope in my heart but after a while, with each step forward, hope stepped back whenever it came to Sunny. I looked deeply into Jen's eyes and my eyes flooded with tears as my mouth began to quiver at the same time the pain engulfed me again. However this time I allowed myself to weep, and as I did I knew that with the retreat of hope my heart had finally caught up with my head. And as each tear spilled over I let them go, I was letting her go. My heart broke; and the heart literally hurts when it's breaking. I could feel it, every beat another ache, and nothing I could do would stop it, either from beating or breaking. But then, for the first time in my life I thought that sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we're settling for. And in order to pick something up, I've got to put something down. For the first time I thought about myself: I had to pick up each one of the broken pieces of me, and for that I had to put Sunny down; I had to let her go in order to save myself. I no longer wanted a half love, torn, halved. I fought and suffered so much that I deserved something full, intense, and indestructible. And that was something I would never get with Sunny, as much as it hurt to accept it. Not long after, I felt Jen's arms enfolding around me to give me a warm embrace. I rested my head on her shoulder and she let me cry on her shoulder. She reassured me until I had no more tears left to shed. That was the moment when I parted to look at her with one grateful and sweet smile.

"I've realized that, sometimes, you have to let people go. But I'm really glad I have someone to hold on to." I spoke with croaky voice and puffy eyes. She grinned kindly and I leaned to give her a small kiss on her cheek. "You're such a good friend, Jen." I said while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"So are you, Brian." She said and squeezed my thigh.

Right in the moment she did that, I let out a muffled but very painful moan. My cuts still hurt a lot, especially the ones I did in the morning, when I couldn't control myself and I cut deeper than I should. Now I was feeling them as though they were burning. Although I was hurting in a ridiculous way, I had to control my urge to scream out of pain. I really didn't want Jen to suspect about this. So I looked up to smile at her, but she was already looking at me in suspicion. Such was the intensity of her gaze that I felt kind of nervous and I had to look away.

"Ha! It's just that… As the clumsy person I am, I hit my thigh with the square edge of the nightstand and well, now I have a quite large bruise." I commented while shaking my head and looking down, trying to laugh naturally, but my voice trembled a little.

"You know that all the edges of my furniture are round, don't you?" She questioned in complete suspicion and I looked abruptly at her, stunned and agape. Crap. I gulped and looked down again, unable to come up with some sort of excuse. "I don't know why you even try to lie, you need more practice if you want to fool people because you're the worst at it." She commented and I clenched my jaw and scratched the nape of my neck, feeling absolutely stupid and ashamed. "What exactly happened there?"

"Nothing. I just have muscle pain and I'm ashamed to admit it, okay? Because I should have trained more often and I didn't, so the last days we've gone jogging caused me this muscle pain." I lied again, trying to avoid eye contact.

I didn't care if I didn't know how to lie, there was no way I could tell Jen the truth about this. I didn't anyone to know about this, even if Sunny already knew it. And Sunny knowing about this secret was one of the worst and most humiliating things that happened to me; but she knew only because, unfortunately, she caught me doing it, not because I told her. I'd never tell anyone about this, people didn't have to know because it was my thing, my secret, my guilty pleasure.

"Okay, try to say the same thing but looking into my eyes." She requested, evidently knowing that I was lying. I just remained looking down, ignoring her petition. "You're doing it again. Come on, practice how to fool people, Brian." She said and I bit my lips. "Why have you reacted like that? What do you have in your thighs?"

"I don't wanna talk about it, okay? It's something personal." I answered a bit rough, looking away, annoyed because of the embarrassment I was feeling.

"You know you have to be completely honest with me about everything of you in order to help you make this decision of letting her go without feeling everything is falling apart, don't you?" She asked and I could feel her eyes looking intently at me.

"There's no need to tell you this because this has nothing to do with this entire thing of letting her go." I replied coldly, lying again, feeling even more annoyed because of my edginess. She noticed I was lying again, so I huffed. "This is something private, Jennifer." I exclaimed in despair, feeling as though I couldn't escape this. Apparently it worked, because she stayed silent for a long time. But I felt her hand on my shoulder, so I realized she wouldn't give up.

"I know what it's like to have secrets. Those which are way traumatic. Those which are so awful you can't tell anybody, even though you're dying to." She whispered with gentle voice. I glanced at her a bit sadly as she was grinning slightly. "So I'm not going to talk about this with anyone. It's the right thing to do." She asserted and I gulped and pursed my lips. "Talk to me, show me." She requested.

It wasn't in a way she was intrigued to know what I had in my thighs, but it was in a way that she already knew I had scars on my thighs and she wanted me to trust her. When I looked deeply into her eyes, I noticed she did not want to see my scars because she wanted to judge me; she wanted me to show them as a way to help me accept that part of me I was hiding. I shifted my gaze and looked down, hesitating, until I let out a sigh.

"Don't be impressed when you see them." I requested in a whisper and she nodded.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, I couldn't believe I was gonna show her my scars by own election. I was nervous; however, I opened my eyes, unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down to my knees, and finally I folded my boxer shorts. A pattern of raised crisscrossed scars, some old and white, others more recent in various shades of pink and red showed up; exposing my all-purpose solution, the only way I could control the things that were going on inside me. I knew that self-harming would always work for that purpose. What I didn't know the first time I resorted to that was that I would develop a behavior that was not just dangerous but highly addictive; I had no idea that the simple act of running a sharp blade across my thigh would change everything so completely. I stared my scars, that secret and closest to the real me, for a long time. And after remembering the reasons that led me to do each one of these cuts, I glanced at Jen. She was looking at them with a disturbed facial expression: Her face went pale and she was puckering her brows and parting her lips, as a crinkle appeared on her nose. I thought that if people could just understand how it actually felt to be depressed, obsessed, frightened, out of control, maybe they'd be more tolerant, more understanding. They would even accept them, accept this coping mechanism. And just because self-mutilation wasn't deemed an acceptable coping mechanism didn't mean I was going to stop doing it.

"How does it feel?" Her voice came out as a dull whisper. I observed her watching my scars before answering.

"People always want to know what it feels like, so I'll tell you." My voice sounded hoarse. Before speaking again, I brushed some of my scars with my fingers. "There's a sting when you first slice, and then your heart speeds up when you see the blood, because you know you've done something you shouldn't have, and yet you've gotten away with it. Then you sort of go into a trance, because it's truly dazzling. And, geez, the sweet release, that's the best way I can describe it." I whispered and, unpremeditated, a slight, very pleasant smile spread across my face when I closed my eyes. I clung to the memory of that feeling and then I opened my eyes and my smile vanished slowly, to then stare blankly at one particular but not specific scar. "When reality kicks in, you grab some toilet paper and you press hard against the cut. You can feel your embarrassment; it's a backbeat underneath your pulse. Whatever relief there was a minute ago congeals into a fist in the pit of your stomach. You literally make yourself sick, because you promised yourself last time would be the last time, and once again, you've let yourself down." My voice sounded sad and dismal as I began to feel disappointed in myself because since Sunny discovered this, I promised I wouldn't do it again and after that promise I did it again about four times. "So, you hide the evidence of your weakness under layers of clothes long enough to cover the cuts. You throw the bloody tissues into the toilet and watch the water go pink before you flush them into oblivion, and you wish it were really that easy." I whispered with a blank stare, feeling numb. I let out a long and heavy sigh before speaking again. "And I know what it's like to start something and have it suddenly grow out of control. And you want to get rid of it, because it's hurting you and everyone else around you, but every time you try to do that, it consumes you again." I frowned and pursed my lips as a feeling of impotence, frustration and distress grew in my chest. "But you know? The worst wounds, the deadliest of them, aren't the ones people see on the outside. They're the ones that make us bleed internally." My voice cracked as I deeply breathed out.

An abysmal silence invaded the room as I was looking away, immersed in my own thoughts and feelings, until I felt one delicate finger brushing some of my scars. I looked at it and I saw how Jen's finger was outlining each one of my scars with complete care. She continued doing it in silence for a really long time because, seemingly, she wanted to do it with each one of my scars and I had a lot. I was observing this in complete amazement; I never thought she could do this. Once she brushed my last and most recent scar, she looked up into my eyes that were already looking deeply at her, and then she grinned gently and leaned over to give me a small kiss on the cheek. I gasped and felt a warm sensation throughout my body. I was aware that there was no magical healing in this. I wouldn't wake up tomorrow fixed and joyful. I'd still hurt and grieve. But moments like this, in which Jen or Sunny, the two people who knew about this, would do some of these very nice gestures... They made it all bearable. They wouldn't fix me, wouldn't heal me. They would just make life worthwhile. They would help me remember to breathe, show me how to smile again. They would kiss me, and I'd be able to forget pain, forget the urges I still had to cut for the pain that erases the emotions.

"I challenge you." Jen proposed, as though she really didn't hear what I was saying, or as though she wasn't giving it the importance that it had. Therefore, I frowned; and I narrowed my eyes when a smile crossed her lips. I put my jeans up again and looked at her intently. "Next time you feel like everything is going wrong and you feel the need to release the pain by self-harming, just think that those moments are like waking up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare: You're scared, you're disoriented, and you're completely convinced you're right. But then you stay awake a little longer and you realize things aren't as fearful and bad as they seem. Then, put down the razor. It may be hard but you'll win this fight."

And in that very moment I realized that she not only gave it the importance it had, but also she was trying to provide me a new perspective of this situation, one in which I would feel better with myself and all that was happening to me. She proved me she understood the logic of self-harming and how people who commit it feel like. And I thanked her for that, in my very own way.

"I've always known that life damages us, each one of us. We can't escape that damage. Some people, like me, turn that emotional damage into a physical damage, too." I began to say and she frowned slightly. "But now, I'm also learning that we can be mended. We mend each other. And some people, like you, are pretty special to be willing to mend a person who's way too damaged." I whispered while looking deeply and intensely into Jen's eyes that were shinning. "And now that you know what kind of damage you're dealing with, you're trying to mend me instead of turning your back on me. Thanks for that, Jen." I thanked with a very kind smile directed at her.

"Smile. Your eyes sparkle when you do." Jen whispered with her lips parted and curved upwards, looking deeply into my own eyes.

And in between all the suffering and sorrow that was engulfing me, a genuine smile spread across my face when Jen said that to me. Then the pain didn't seem so bad, because I realized that despite everything I was still able to smile for real. And I thought that was what friends who love you do: They put their arms around you and love you when you're not so lovable, making you smile even when you thought it was impossible. I fondled her cheek and with this gesture I tried to show her how thankful I was for having a friend like her; and her smile while I was doing this was her answer, telling me she was also thankful for having me as her friend. And I felt special again. Then a knock in the door made us break the eye contact to shift our gazes to Jen's bedroom door. The door opened slowly and someone poked the head.

"I'm so sorry for interrupting, guys." February's voice sounded dull and throaty. I looked into her eyes and I noticed they were reddened and puffy and how, slowly, filled with tears. "But I was wondering if I could join you in this process of letting somebody go, because I am in despair." Her voice cracked as a puddle of tears streamed down her cheeks. I smiled sadly at her and nodded.

---

You woke up, yet you didn't open your eyes. Instead, you enjoyed the way Brian was caressing you when he thought you were fast asleep. You wanted to take advantage of it, because it's been a while since the last time he caressed you so tenderly, so lovingly. He started stroking your short hair, tucking the strands of hair that were falling on your face behind your ear. Then his finger brushed your temple, went down to your cheek and finished on your chin. Although your eyes were shut, you knew he was staring every feature of your face. He cupped your cheek with his hand and with his thumb he outlined the shape of your mouth. Then you sensed his chin on your shoulder and his nose on your neck; you felt your neck being nuzzled with the tip of his nose and how he smelled your perfume. You smiled slightly at this warm sensation. Then he kissed slightly your neck and parted to start running his fingers from your shoulder to your arm, until he reached your hand, held it and intertwined his fingers with yours. He kissed your hand and then started running his fingertips up and down the left side of your waist; he grazed his fingers across your stomach, lower stomach and hipbones; making you shiver slightly, getting goosebumps. This time you smiled in pleasure and bit your lips, feeling a slight tickle and a completely pleasant and warm feeling. He planted a kiss on the corner of your mouth and breathed against your face while he was still caressing your stomach, not in a sexual way but in a tender way. When he buried his face on your neck, his finger circled the mole you had on the skin of your left hipbone; and he continued doing this for a long time. You opened your eyes just a crack and you squinted at Brian. The golden rays of the morning sun were pouring through the window and the sparkling light was spreading around his skin, making him look really beautiful. He had his eyes shut, so you didn't hesitate to fully open your eyes and stare at him with a warm smile on your face as he was still moving his finger in circles around your mole. Nothing too special was happening, but this was a nice moment you wanted to hold onto your memory. The simplicity of this tender moment was enough to turn this moment into something perfect. You saw his long eyelashes fluttering, evidencing that he opened his eyes, and then he looked into your eyes through his lashes. He was surely thinking you were still asleep, because he flinched a little when he saw your eyes wide open; but immediately afterwards, a flawless grin reached across his lips and onto his face as his jade green eyes, brighter than ever owing to the sunlight, twinkled. He cupped your cheek in his hand as he was creeping up to you to rest his forehead against yours and look at you straight in the eye. He grinned fondly and you smiled back before pressing your lips against his to give him a sweet morning kiss.

"I guess you caught me in action." He whispered with husky voice in front of your lips. You placed a hand on the back of his head and entangled your fingers in his soft hair.

"I guess I did. It was really nice to wake up like this." You responded, huddling closer to him. You intertwined your legs with his and pushed your stomach against his as he enfolded an arm around your waist. "And I could use more of your caresses right now." You giggled softly in front of his lips.

"As my lady wishes." He whispered with a soft chuckle before he started running his fingers in circles across your waist. You stared deeply into his bright green eyes and you noticed they were looking at you with a hint of nostalgia, something that made you frown slightly in confusion.

"Is everything alright?" You asked and he grinned weakly and nodded. But you realized that the extra brightness of his eyes wasn't only because of the sunlight, it was because he was holding back few tears. "Is it that you can no longer look at me in the eye without remembering my betrayal?" You asked sadly, remorse engulfing you again. He puckered his brows and shook his head, planting a kiss on the tip of your nose.

"I already forgave you and Darren and we all together clarified all of this two days ago, after you told me what you did. If I forgave you, then I have no reasons to look at you in the eye and remember what you did. Stop feeling so remorseful, baby girl. It's hurting you and it's preventing you from enjoying the good moments." He whispered with hoarse voice, fondling your cheek with his thumb. "Will you promise me to try harder to forgive yourself, baby girl?" He asked while placing both hands on your cheeks.

"I promise." You whispered with a slight grin.

His cheeks dimpled and the corners of his eyes wrinkled when his lips curled up into a smile and his green eyes twinkled. You thought that was the most beautiful you saw in the morning. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, cupped your cheek on his hand, and placed his other hand firmly on your waist before he rolled to be on top of you and rest his forehead on yours.

"Thank you, baby girl." He whispered in front of your lips and you lifted your head a little to reach his lips and kiss them.

He smiled lovingly and kissed you back, his thumb brushing the corner of your mouth. Brian was definitely a very affectionate person and you adored that of him. You felt guilty again when you thought that you didn't deserve his affection after what you did to him; but then you remembered your promise and allowed yourself to enjoy his kiss and his cuddling. With your eyes closed you could feel now his breathing against your lips, his own lips were emanating heat and that was causing you to feel a warm sensation that wasn't only physical but also emotional.

"I love you." A whisper came out your mouth spontaneously and thoughtlessly.

When you opened your eyes you found his eyes looking deeply into yours. They were moist, bright and reflected a hint of daze. He pointed his eyebrows downwards and gulped before he shifted his gaze. You saw how he closed his eyes for a few seconds and when he opened them again, he extended his arms to get out the bed. You sat and looked at him frowning, completely confused about what recently happened. He reacted in a very strange way; maybe he didn't like hearing you telling him you loved him, maybe he was feeling that your words weren't true. You observed him walking to the closet, feeling deeply hurt.

"Brian?" You called him up; nonetheless, he didn't turn around.

"We should get up. The guys must be waiting for us to go camping as we planned." His voice cracked when he spoke.

"Brian?" You asked with strangled voice and eyes full of tears, wondering why he would ignore what you said; before he found out about the cheating, he would never ignore this. Once again, he didn't turn around to look at you. "Brian, you haven't told me you love me ever since the time I told you what happened between me and Darren. You can't tell me you love me anymore, can you?" You questioned with choked voice and Brian finally turned his face to look into your eyes that were shedding some silent tears.

He walked slowly towards you and sat in bed right next to you. He looked deeply into your eyes, his face showing affliction and his half-smile giving his face a hint of fondness. He placed both hands on your cheeks and brushed them with his thumbs.

"I love you." His throaty voice said in front of your lips before he pulled you into a very affectionate kiss that felt very emotional to you. "Do not ever doubt for a single second that I don't love you. Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't, baby girl."

"Sorry." You articulated with brittle voice after you lowered your gaze. Brian cupped your chin in his hand and lifted your head.

"Stop apologizing for things that don't require an apology only because you feel remorseful. Tell me what I can do to reverse that and see you smiling again." He requested softly, a small grin appearing on his face.

"A hug?" You requested shyly and he beamed widely.

He leaned over to wrap his arms delicately around your waist as you threw your arms around his neck and rested your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes to increase your senses. He smoothly rubbed your back and rested his head on yours after giving you a small buss on the top of your head. It was the prolonged, affectionate and comforting type of hugs; and it had the plus of feeling protected in his arms due to the firm way he was holding you in his strong arms. After a while, he parted to look at you, making an amused smile curl his lips before he turned around, still sitting in bed. You frowned slightly and before you could ask him what happened there, he took you by the legs and wrapped them around his waist and then took your arms and made you wrap them around his neck. He turned his face to look at you exhilarated and he winked before placing his hands firmly on the back of your thighs to stand up. He gave you a piggyback ride around the bedroom as you were giggling softly, trying to look at his face; when he started running and jumping into and out of the bed like this, you started laughing out loud as he was laughing along with you. He accomplished what he wanted: to make you smile. It was more than that: He made you laugh and it's been days since the last time you laughed. Then he began to spin very fast and repeatedly until he apparently felt dizzy, lost his balance and both of you fell into bed, laughing heartily. He quickly crawled to you and placed on your lips thousand tiny kisses traveling across your mouth and the corners of your mouth, making you feel some sort of warm, fuzzy feelings. A boisterous guffaw came out your mouth in the very moment he began to plant the same tiny kisses all over your face; and a belly laugh came out your mouth when he started tickling you while still giving you kisses. You continued laughing until you managed to roll to end on top of him, holding his wrists firmly near his head to stop him from tickling you. Still laughing, you observed his face: His hair was disheveled, his cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were squinty because of the wide and bright grin on his face. He looked radiant, unlike the last days. You thought that for few minutes he, just like you, got to forget about all the bad things that had happened and managed to enjoy the moment. And geez, such was the enlivening feeling that it felt as though you've come to life again after being dead for a prolonged period of time. Brian looked into your eyes and puckered his lips with an amused face, as requesting you to give him a kiss; so you chortled and leaned in to peck his lips repeatedly, as you let out his wrists and he enfolded his arms around you. When you stopped kissing him, he wrinkled his face and nuzzled your nose with his, making you giggle again. And these warm, fuzzy feelings you were feeling made you feel something in your chest, like it suddenly felt tepid, making you realize that you were starting to fall in love with him. You didn't even have to make an effort to feel it; you just felt it, and it came unexpectedly, with no previous warning. You realized that you were still able to fall in love right in the moment you were about to give up hope. Therefore, your teeth shone bright as you let out a smile.

"Brian? I meant it." You whispered in front of his lips as he frowned intrigued, his face still reflecting cheerfulness.

"You meant what?" He asked and you grinned brightly.

"That for no one else, but for you alone, I'll allow my music to be touched." You winked, evidently referring to the article he once wrote entitled: 'How to say I Love You in an unconventional way'.

"And I'll still do the dishes for you, because I know it still fills you with some kind of inhuman rage." He joked and you burst out laughing. Then he placed his hands on the back of your thighs to stand up with you in his arms as you wrapped your arms around his neck. "What if we pack to go camping now, eh?"

When Brian and you finished packing all the things you'd need to spend one night in the Malouf's Mountain Sunset Campgrounds, you went to the kitchen where everybody else was ready to go. They already had breakfast and told you that there wasn't time for you to have it, so you and Brian decided to buy something in the way to the campground. You went to the Grand Central Terminal and took Metro-North's Hudson Line to the Beacon station and about 90 minutes later you all were in the Malouf's Mountain Sunset Campgrounds, where the staff of Dick Malouf picked you up, shuttled you to the trailhead of your choice, and then took all your gear to your campsite for you. The campground was on a mountainside, so the site was very steep and rocky, and you had to walk up and down lots of hills. Therefore, Brian and you helped George to walk to the platform site as Mandy was complaining because her designer hiking boots were getting dirty. It was hard and the hike lasted 3 hours, but it was absolutely beautiful and a great experience and George wouldn't stop smiling widely. It was his suggestion to come here, after all. When you arrived to your platform, you realized that the hard and long hiking was very worth it. The place had a scenic panorama, and the platform site was like a roofed deck, it had a fire pit with a tarp over it, a picnic table, and a propane-fueled kitchen cabinet. The sites were decently far away from each other; so, you had a reasonable amount of privacy, which was great.

"So, Mandy! Was it worth it to have ruined your hiking boots to come to a place like this? What do you say?" Chuck mocked and Mandy shot him a withering look.

"I say that I'll push you when you're at the edge of the mountain, peacefully looking the panorama. What do you say about that, Chuck?" Mandy responded and everybody laughed out loud. "Look what I did for you, George! You must be pretty happy yourself!" She snapped and George burst out laughing.

"I'll actually be happy when I get to see you sleeping on a sleeping bag." George joked and Mandy dropped her jaw and frowned.

"Oh damn. Why did I agree coming?" She complained with a huff; obviously joking.

"Because you want to please this old man." George answered, tightening his voice to make it sound like a real old man's voice. Brian looked at his dad and wrapped an arm around him before kissing his cheek.

"Alright, old man... What if you give your miserably hungry son one of the cookies you are hiding in your bag?" Brian asked with an amused smile.

"I don't know what cookies you're talking about. Are you my son?" George asked pretending to be disturbed and confused, so you giggled.

"You're so hilarious, daddy." Brian mocked, sticking out his mouth when he snatched his dad's bag to look for the cookies.

"Joey! Act like a real boyfriend and defend me! And stop filming me to then upload it on YouTube! You little piece of shit!" Mandy complained when she saw a spider and she jumped into the hard-sided cooler while Joey was laughing out loud and Jen was trying to kill the spider.

Then you looked further and you saw Chuck and Lucy posing for a photo that February was taking; Chuck was making silly faces and mocking Lucy as February was laughing. Then you saw Darren sitting alone on a rock, just observing the panorama, apparently absent-minded. You took advantage that Brian was talking to his dad to observe Darren. He has been really cheerless the last days and that wasn't normal coming from him; well, you couldn't say anything because this was the first day you were joining everybody after spending hours on locked in the bedroom, feeling too sad and remorseful to escape the bed and feeling too ashamed to talk to others and look at them in the eye. Then a cookie interrupted your gaze directed at Darren. You looked at the cookie and then you turned your face to look at Brian devouring one cookie while looking at you amused, with bright eyes and a merry grin, holding you that cookie. You giggled, took the cookie, and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you, Bri." You said before eating the cookie and he winked as a response because his mouth was full and he couldn't talk. Then you enfolded your arms around his waist and rested your chin on his chest to look up into his eyes as he wrapped an arm around you and looked down with a sweet grin. "I was thinking that I'd like to take a hike to explore the place. And I'd really like if you come with me." He grinned widely and leaned to peck your lips, as though you've just told him one of the sweetest and best things ever.

"I'd like that. A competition to see who the first who reaches that tree over there is." He challenged, pointing you one tree that was really far from you were. You looked at him with an amused smirk.

"But that wouldn't be fair! Your steps are large and mine are so short!" You complained amused.

"Oh, baby girl... It's not about the length of the steps; it's about speed and endurance. So, what do you say?" He replied with a mischievous smile.

"I say that you suck... But... Challenge accepted!" You exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Dad, we will be right back... I have to show Sunny how it's like the taste of defeat." He joked and George laughed and patted his son's shoulder.

"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched, my dear son. I have a feeling that you could be the one tasting the defeat." George replied, winking at you so you winked at him.

"Jesus, dad. You're truly a very supportive father." Brian answered while frowning in disbelief, but amused. "Okay, baby girl." He said while taking your hand and leading you to the spot where you would start. "On the count of three…" He said, letting out your hand. So you both got prepared, very concentrated now. "One, two… Three!" He yelled.

Brian and you started running at the same time as everybody else turned to look at you both. And of course he was winning you, because although you were fast at running, he was way too tall and his steps were indeed very large. However, that didn't matter, you were laughing because this was funny and because it was very pleasant to feel the breeze hitting your face while running. You saw Brian running ahead of you and how he turned his face to look at you with one of his brightest and most hearty smiles and then stick out his tongue to mock you. You grinned widely because you adored seeing him so cheery and so playful, putting aside the things that were saddening him to allow him himself to enjoy his own life. You were really close the tree and you accepted the fact that you were going to lose; but, suddenly, Brian stopped and moaned, placing a hand on his heart and falling on his knees on the ground.

"Ah! I can't breathe! I'm so tired! Oh no, you're gonna overtake me!" He exclaimed really loudly, forcing a wheezy voice to pretend he was really exhausted and out of breath.

You laughed out loud, thinking how silly he was for doing this only to let you win. You continued running, though; and when you reached him, you stopped to lean and give him a quick peck on his lips as he looked at you amused, and then you continued running until you reached the tree.

"Yes! I won!" You exclaimed while chortling, jumping as a way to celebrate your victory.

You didn't realize that Brian was now behind you and he ran to you to enfold his arms around the back of your thighs to lift you up and carry you on his shoulder, as you placed your hands on his back to try to maintain balance. You began to laugh and more when he started to run like this, going to another tree.

"That wasn't the tree I pointed, baby girl!" It was his excuse to run with you on his shoulder as you wouldn't stop giggling.

When he reached the other tree, he left you on the ground, only to lift you again, but this time wrapping your legs around his waist and wrapping his arms around your waist to then start spinning. You both were laughing as loud as it would be the last time you'd be allowed to laugh in your lives. After spinning few times and before he could feel dizzy, he stopped and leaned in to kiss you fervently; one of those types of passionate kisses that take your breath away. Then you parted and he left you on the ground to look at you with his radiant face. You grinned broadly and threw your arms around his neck to hug him, because in that moment you didn't know about any other way you could show him how happy you were feeling. After that, you held his hand and he looked at you surprised because he was always the first one holding your hand; but after this morning and the way you felt, you couldn't help it. You felt completely comfortable walking holding hands with him, so you smiled brightly during all the way back to your platform.

"We both won." Brian announced once you arrived.

Brian and you sat on the wooden floor and rested while drinking water. He got entertained talking to his dad and Jen and you got entertained looking at the rest. Then your gaze drifted to Darren again; he was still alone on that rock, but he had sad eyes while looking at February chattering with Chuck, Lucy, Mandy and Joey. You wanted to walk towards Darren, so he wouldn't be alone; but you couldn't do that because everybody would think that you and Darren would cheat on Brian and February again, they would look at you in suspicion all the time. And that made you feel a bit sad; because Darren was your friend and it felt bad the fact that everybody would think the worst if they saw you alone with him, something that before was very normal. Then you saw Darren finally standing up, but he didn't join the rest as you thought; he put his hands in the pocket of his hoodie and started walking away, alone, head down, and with slow gait. Nobody noticed he was going away and nobody noticed he was entering the woods. You looked at Brian and saw him laughing at one of his dad's jokes as you hesitated whether or not go after Darren to see what was happening to him. You placed a hand on Brian's thigh and smiled at him when he looked at you. You were going to tell him that you'd go for a walk just because you were feeling like doing it; but when you looked into his innocent green eyes that were looking into yours in a fond way, you decided you didn't want to lie to him ever again. So, instead, you moved closer to him to whisper in his ear.

"I saw Darren walking into the woods alone. It seemed he wasn't feeling good." You whispered.

Even though you knew this could hurt Brian, you wanted to be honest with him. You thought he was gonna look at you in a distressed way because you've been watching Darren and you've thought about him; but no, he just frowned in confusion, shifting his gaze to the woods; but Darren was no longer in sight.

"You wanna check if he's alright?" He asked, also in a whisper, and his response surprised you.

"No... I mean... I don't want you to think that I want to be with Darren... I just... I don't want to, you know..." You began to babble nervously until Brian took your hands and grinned gently.

"Baby girl, I won't think you'll be cheating on me or something. I told you, you should stop feeling remorseful and think all the time that others think you want to do something bad. I trust you." He said gently, giving you a small smile while brushing your hands with his thumbs. "Now, prove me that you're trying hard to forgive yourself by going to check if Darren is alright. I'll be here, waiting for you with something tasty to eat. Okay?" He requested softly and you grinned tenderly at him because you really had the cutest and most understanding boyfriend in the world.

"What if you come with me?" You asked, also brushing his hands with your thumbs.

"No, I will stay with my dad. Go alone; you'll be able to talk to him if you go alone." He answered with a polite grin as you nodded.

"Okay." You said, leaning to kiss his soft lips. "I love you." You whispered in front of his lips. And you meant it. Brian's eyes twinkled, but his eyes didn't seem to be overflowing with joy as other times, oddly enough.

"I love you, too." He whispered while fondling your cheek and smiling sweetly, but for some reason that smile seemed a little forced.

"You better have some chocolates for me when I come back." You joked and he tittered and bit his lips.

"I'll try my best." He winked. "Now, go!" He exclaimed with a soft and short chuckle.

You pecked his lips before standing up to walk into the woods. Before entering, you turned your face to look at Brian one last time and you saw him looking straight at you, with a half-smile; and then you saw how he turned his face around, giving you one almost indiscernible expression of sadness. You frowned slightly due to your confusion and you were about to come back with him, but he told you that with this you'd prove him that you were trying hard to forgive yourself; and there wasn't anything you wanted more than to do this for him, you wanted him to feel proud of you and not feel disappointed in you. So you started walking in between leafy trees and undergrowth, allowing yourself to enjoy the fresh air, the sounds of nature, and the sun pouring through the trees and stabbing the emerald green lawn. This place was quite beautiful and peaceful, so you wouldn't stop grinning slightly. You were also looking for any kind of sign about where Darren was, looking between the trees and bushes, but you couldn't see him anywhere. You walked for a long time until you noticed that the blue sky now had gray clouds closing the sun. Instead of coming back to the platform, you continued walking and looking for Darren. Some lightning strikes lit up the sky in a flash of blue-white; it was followed by a crash of thunder, deafening, just overhead; and then a sudden cold wind sprang up and rushed over you, carrying with it few leaves, tumbling against your jeans and plastering themselves there. You felt a bit edgy; however, you decided to find Darren. There was no second flash of lightning, but there was a second boom of thunder that shook the ground under your feet. You thought about coming back, already... Until you saw Darren with a preoccupied face, not far from you, apparently trying to return to the platform.

"Darren!" You called him up, quickly walking towards him. "Hey, Darren!" You repeated, now next to him. He turned his face, looked at you and frowned.

"What are you doing here, Freckles? It's about to pour down!" He responded.

"Yeah, I know... I just saw you coming here alone and I wanted to make sure you're alright." You replied, approaching him.

"You shouldn't have come after me, Freckles. Not after all the things that happened... You shouldn't have come." He said a bit upset, looking away and biting his lips. "I'm tired of these lies and shit."

"Brian knows I came here to look for you." You simply said, trying to look into his eyes. He clenched his jaw and shook his head before looking straight in your eye.

"I'm still mad at you, Freckles." He blurted, pointing you with his forefinger.

"I'm so sorry for what happened, Darren." You said softly, looking down a bit afflicted.

"Your apology won't work this time. Cannot you see it? It doesn't change a damn thing! You betrayed me, Freckles! And yeah, what we did was wrong, it was really wrong and I cannot stop regretting about hurting them; but what you did was also wrong!" He snapped, now getting angrier. You looked at him through your lashes, feeling more distressed. "You were the one who said we shouldn't mention anything at all! You! Yet, it was you the one who said it! And you said it when I wasn't there; you said it before letting me know that you'd do something like that. And after you said it, you decided to spend all day long locked in your damn bedroom because you were too coward to face everyone else pointing at you and judging you! You left me alone there! They blamed me, they insulted me, they treated me like the biggest piece of shit! And they did it only with me, as though I was the only crap there! I had to deal with everything by my own while you were quietly crying in your bedroom. You have no idea how that felt! I was completely alone, suffering the biggest shit alone, when we should have suffered that shit together! It wasn't fair!" He yelled with brittle voice, nearly in tears, still pointing you with his forefinger. "And now everything is fucked up! Now they can't see me the same way the used to see me! Now something is broken between me and them, but not between you and them, because you weren't there, goddammit! So don't tell me you're sorry, because you have no idea, not a damn idea how it felt and how I feel!" He yelled with strangled voice, shedding some tears as your own eyes filled with tears and your lips started quivering. "And now... How can you act as if everything is cool? How can you even look at them without feeling like a horrid person? How, Freckles, how?" He asked in despair, looking at you into the eyes.

"I can't!" You responded with a loud whimper, breaking into tears. Darren softened his face, but silent tears continued rolling down his cheeks. "I don't act as is everything is cool, nothing is cool but I'm trying to enjoy my time with them and make of this the best as possible in order to provide George good last days of his life and in order to find some kind of way to apologize for all the pain I've inflicted on them! I can't look at them in the eye without feeling like a horrid person, full of remorse, guilt and shame! I can't look at them in the eye without feeling like I don't deserve anything good! I can't look at them in the eye without feeling like I wish to be punched in the face every second of every day as a way to remind me that it's all I deserve for being such a cruel bitch who can't do anything but hurt people's feelings!" You yelled with cracked voice, dissolved into a puddle of tears that were flowing freely down your cheeks. Darren was now agape, apparently surprised by your answer, looking sadly at you. "But Brian told me that my punishment for having done what I've done is one of the hardest things to do that it is to forgive myself; so all I'm trying to do now is just that. I'm trying to forgive myself and I fucking can't! And you should try to do the same, because that way the people we hurt won't suffer, the only suffering would be us, just as we deserve. And I am so sorry for leaving you alone that day, I didn't know that my sister would listen to our conversation. I am really sorry, but I can't even take your forgiveness if you ever do forgive me, because I can't even forgive myself!" You cried your heart out, now covering your face and sitting on the ground, curling up in a ball.

"I can't forgive myself either." Darren's choked voice whispered and you uncovered your face to see him squatting next to you, still shedding tears. "I really wanted to kiss you, but I never wanted to hurt so many people, I never wanted to destroy everything we had, I never wanted this to happen. I never imagined these were the consequences. And you know what the worst of all is? They forgave us and gave us another chance we don't deserve. We hurt them so deeply and they still think we're good people." He cried very grief-stricken. "I just want everything to be as it was before all of this; but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve it."

"I understand you, because I feel the same way." You tried to articulate with your strangled voice. "But we gotta try to feel better, to forgive ourselves; we gotta try to mend what we broke; for them and also to feel worthy of their forgiveness." You said with teary voice, wiping your tears away.

"I know, but it's hard. How can you mend something that is broken when you can't even mend your broken heart?" He asked despondent, finally sitting on the ground, propping his head on one of his hands.

"I don't know." You answered in all honesty, also feeling despondent. "I guess that's the price we must pay for our actions."

You looked into each other's eyes, both of you heartbroken, both of you feeling how hopelessness and disheartenment were engulfing you to your very core as the doleful tears that were streaming down your cheeks merged with the drops of rain that started to pour down the cloudy sky, resembling the way you were feeling inside. Neither the tears nor the rain were cleansing the pain that was possessing your hearts. Neither the tears nor the rain brought some kind of soul relief. You had heavy hearts, just as the heavy rain that was pouring down overhead. And the boom of thunder shook the ground the same way remorse shook your bodies. There was no place to protect from the rain, but what was the point of finding a place to protect yourselves from the rain if you couldn't find anything to protect yourselves from your rainy hearts?

"Look at those fuckers crying in the rain. How pathetic!" A voice came out from the darkness, making you and Darren jump in fear.

You were sure that was Jim's voice and Darren thought the same, because you two exchanged scary looks. Darren moved closer to you and wrapped an arm around you as you two looked at the direction from where the voice came. You heard the crack of branches, indicating that the person hiding was moving.

"Isn't it interesting to have you two so defenseless in a place where nobody is gonna find you?" Jim's voice echoed from another point.

You looked at that direction with eyes full of tears owing to your fear as your body began to shiver and your heart began to beat faster. You could sense Darren's body also trembling and how he was holding back his breath; yet he was holding you firmly, as a way to protect both of you.

"You weren't expecting me to be here, were you? Ah! I have eyes and ears everywhere, fuckers." Jim's vicious laugh came from another point.

Where the hell was him? You heard another crack of a branch and you flinched because that sounded very near from where you were. The sound of a thunder made you let out a muffled scream, as you began to gasp and breathe heavily. Darren stroked your hair as a way to reassure you.

"Come on, fuckers! You're cheaters! It's supposed you're experts when it comes to fool people. Try to fool me and make me think you're not scared the crap out of you." Jim's deranged snicker came from a nearer place, somewhere in the darkness that the cloudy sky was bringing.

With the sound of the rain dripping into the ground, the sound of the wind tumbling against the trees and bushes, and the sound of those deafening peals of thunder, was hard to figure out where exactly Jim's voice was coming from.

"You know what I'm remembering right now? I didn't wish you a happy new year, fuckers! What if I wish you a happy new year by killing you right now, right here? Everybody would be happy to get rid of two cheaters; don't you think everybody would live happier without you two? That would be a real happy new year!" Jim's voice exclaimed with shrill voice.

Your lips began to quiver as tears were dripping into your mouth, feeling completely frightened. You had nothing to defend yourselves from Jim. You were in the middle of nothing and with this rain nobody would be near to help you. So it was in vain to shout for help. You couldn't see any effective way to escape from this situation. You heard steps coming closer and Darren held you tightly as you buried your head on his chest and he buried his head on yours. He was just as scared as you were. You both closed your eyes in fear, giving up in the face of the inevitably fact that Jim was gonna hurt you and you had nothing to protect yourselves. You both gasped and screamed when a pair of hands touched your shoulders.

"Are you okay, guys?" A breathy voice asked behind you.

Darren and you turned your faces to see Brian squatting behind you, looking at you two in complete consternation and edginess, panting as though he had been running. You wailed and threw your arms around him as he held you and Darren at the same time. Then he stood up and looked at the darkness, nowhere in particular, completely mad but also frightened.

"You fucking asshole! Come out from wherever you are and face me!" Brian yelled his lungs out, furiously. The only response he got was Jim's evil laugh. "Come on! Face me, fucking asshole!"

"Oh, it seems someone received satisfactorily the picture of these two fuckers I sent! I'm blown away by your ability to find these cheaters so quickly, wanker!" Jim's voice came from a certain point.

"Come out, asshole!" Brian ordered, walking directly to where the voice came from.

"No, Brian! Stay here!" Darren yelled with trembling voice.

"Why would I come out? I have you in the perfect position to shoot you and you have no idea how much I want to see a bullet piercing your forehead, wanker. Don't you think it's time for you to end with your miserable life? I mean, what do you have left to make your life be worthwhile now? Your father will soon die, the sucker you have as best friend and your whore betrayed you, your other pieces of shit you have as friends feel just pity for you... Come on, why would you want to keep living, wanker? Isn't it more rewarding to feel a bullet piercing your forehead? Or perhaps you prefer your heart; as you wish, wanker." Jim's voice came from a totally different place and Brian turned around to walk to there, breathing heavily and gasping in absolute anger and fear.

"How about you come out to look at me into the eyes while the bullet pierces my forehead, eh? Wouldn't it be more rewarding, asshole? Or perhaps you're too afraid of me to do that." Brian challenged him with a bitter laugh, but it was a laugh that denoted his fear.

"Stop saying those things, Brian, please." You begged while weeping desperately.

"Oh, I truly enjoy your defiant side, wanker." Jim's voice came out from Brian's right side. "I think it's a good idea to look into your eyes when the bullet pierces your forehead, wanker. So I'll come out. Just come closer, to your right, because I really wanna see your eyes with absolute clarity." Jim requested with a wicked and loud snicker. When Brian stepped to his right, you flinched and gasped.

"Brian, no!" You yelled in horror; you jerked and kicked and somehow got enough purchase against mud to lurch upright, in complete desperation as Darren stood up and attempted to walk closer to Brian to protect him, but Brian turned around to stop him.

"No! You two! Just... Get the fuck out of here! Run away!" Brian ordered in a jittery way; nonetheless, neither you nor Darren moved from where you were. There was no way in hell that you were leaving Brian.

"Oh! How thrilling! The wanker protecting the two fuckers who betrayed him and broke his little stupid heart. I'm in tears!" Jim sneered with a snide laugh. "Come on, wanker! Come closer and get ready to die!"

"Come out, you damn asshole!" Brian ordered, walking to his right with steady gait.

And then you heard a sound coming from the bushes that were in front of Brian. You screamed in panic when you heard that sound, anticipating the terrible thing that was about to happen. Darren held you and covered your eyes because that was the only thing he could do due to his fear and shock. However, you managed to uncover your eyes right in the moment that something came out from the bushes.

"Argh, you fucking asshole! You're a damn coward and fucking asshole, Jim!" Brian yelled out of himself when he saw what came from behind the bushes. The response to his frustration and anger was Jim's loud, perverse laugh.

"Surprised, wanker? I bet you..."

And that was the last unfinished thing Jim said because Brian took in his hands the electric toy car that had a walkie-talkie and a camera, and destroyed it by throwing it against a tree before stomping on it with all his fury. You and Darren observed this situation in complete shock, still not fully realizing what just happened. You began to tremble again, this time not out of fear and despair, but because of just having experienced one of your biggest scares that turned out to be a bad, macabre and nefarious joke. The drops of rain falling down your face served as a way to calm your stir and commotion and, slowly, you returned to your common sense. You caught several glimpses of Brian thanks to the lightning that flared for few seconds, illuminating the dark place. He was looking all around in a flurried way; he couldn't catch his breath or find his footing. He couldn't do anything except fumble in the slippery muck while he was moving all around, looking behind the bushes and between the trees, trying to find Jim. But you knew Jim wasn't there; he wouldn't risk himself by coming to a place where he could be found by Dick Malouf or his staff. You turned your face to look at Darren as he did the same, you both exchanged troubled looks, slightly denoting the fear that minutes earlier took over your bodies. Another lightning flared and it was accompanied by a deafening thunder in the very instant you saw Brian slipping on the muck, falling on his stomach, hitting his face on the ground and getting his face and clothes dirty with the muck. He stood up and the rain cleansed his face a little bit as you and Darren walked towards him. Brian — in between roars and screams in agony and anger — slipped again and fell on the ground on his knees. Darren and you placed your hands on his shoulders and squeezed them to try to calm him down; Brian finally broke into tears as he stooped and buried his head in his thighs, weeping out of desperation and perturbation. Darren and you, unable to speak and still thunderstruck for what recently happened, kneeled next to Brian and wrapped your arms around him, trying to calm him down, but also trying to calm yourselves for it was a highly disturbing experience. You stayed a while like this and, in the meantime, you noticed there was someone looming over you, someone you could sense but could not see. A lightning flared, dazzling in the darkness, and exposing your solitude in this place. No one was actually there, except for the destroyed electric toy car; but this was evidence that Jim was willing to do whatever it takes to destroy you all as Brian destroyed that toy. Perhaps that was the reason why Brian was crying, wailing and roaring that way; because Jim just made sure that he was still able to fool you and you'd never be ahead of him. You glanced at Darren as he glanced at you, and you noticed that he realized the same thing that you, so a gleam of sadness and concern flared in your eyes.

"Buddy, we are a team." Darren whispered and patted his back as Brian nodded.

A cold and strong wind sprang up and rushed over you, and it carried with it a paper that came out of the blue and that plastered in Brian's head. Brian took it with shaky hands and you and Darren also read what was written on it.

"It was a bad idea to leave your retarded father alone, wanker."

Brian began to gasp heavily as his body began to shake almost violently, doe-eyed and with his face reflecting absolute fear and disturbance. You looked up to look at your surroundings, completely scared because most likely was that Jim was there, after all. In the time you took to look around, Brian struggled to stand up and he looked around in consternation before he yelled rabidly.

"You fucking son of a bitch, I'm gonna get back at you, asshole!" His yell echoed, but was slightly muffled by the sound of the rain.

But that was all he said, because after that, Brian began to run as fast as possible to the platform, slipping on the muck from time to time as you and Darren followed him. Brian was desperate and enraged, his commotion was clouding his common sense and his clear vision, so he was running with unsteady and blundering gait, he was tripping and tumbling constantly and he was very hasty. Darren and you tried to help him arrive the platform safe and sound, but it was being hard, because all your attempts to stop him failed. He scratched his face and body with some branches and he even tore his jeans when he stumbled upon the root of a tree.

"Brian Thomas Clerk, stop right now!" You ranted in a very authoritative way and your firm and strict voice echoed in the woods, and not even the sound of the rain and thunders muffled it.

But it worked. Brian stopped and turned his face to look at you with his pale face and his gaze lost and disturbed as he was panting as though he was short of breath. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to catch his breath as Darren was looking at you amazed by the way you could stop Brian. You hesitantly walked towards Brian, because he was in shock, so he wasn't quite aware of his actions and you were afraid he could hurt you unintentionally. But when he looked down and began to whimper due to his despair, you walked towards him with steady gait until you pulled him into a reassuring embrace.

"Brian, think clear, don't let this cloud your common sense and your cleverness. Take a deep breath, hold it, and release." You requested softly as he did what you asked. When he got to calm down, you parted to place both hands on his cheeks. "Now think about this, Brian. Jim is not in the platform, he cannot hurt your dad because he is in company and because he wouldn't expose himself in front of so many people. Besides, how would it be physically possible for Jim to be in the platform if he was where we were to give you that note? Think, Brian. Let's not let Jim fool us again because that way we're gonna prove him that he can control our actions the way he wants." You said softly, looking deeply into his scared and distressed eyes.

"Freckles is right, buddy." Darren spoke while patting Brian's back. "Let's show Jim that what he does and says doesn't affect us. Let's show him that we're perfectly prepared to face him without flipping out." Darren said while looking intently into Brian's eyes as Brian nodded, still looking down and biting his lower lip. "Besides, do you really think the guys would let somebody hurt your dad? They will kick anybody's ass if they dare to touch your dad." He added and Brian let out a short chuckle.

"Yeah, I think my dad managed to make you like him." Brian finally commented.

"Like him? No, that's totally wrong, buddy. I'm sorry and I hope you're not the type of jealous guy, because we love George as our dad, too; even if we don't know him as much as you do." Darren replied and that made you grin sweetly.

"No, I'm not the type of jealous guy... But just so you know, my dad loves me more than anybody else and I love him more than anybody else. Clear?" Brian, surprisingly, tried to joke; so you and Darren laughed softly. "Thank you, guys, for making me come to my senses again." He whispered while looking at both of you.

And right after this, Brian wrapped his arms around you two, you enfolded an arm around his waist and Darren also enfolded an arm around Brian. And like this you began to walk to the platform, as though you were a very united group of friends, as though nothing bad and shady happened between you three, as though nothing could break the friendship bond you had. Perhaps it was in that moment that you and Darren were engulfed by this warm feeling in your chests called hope; the hope of feeling that you might have found a way to forgive yourselves. Perhaps it was in that moment that you understood that forgiving oneself is a progress in which you don't have to work on yourself in order to feel better about yourself; it is a progress in which you have to work on yourself interacting with your loved ones in order to find the harmony between yourself and the loved one. Perhaps in that moment you realized that it is small and nice gestures and actions towards yourself and others what allows you to forgive yourself, not the self-punishment and the self-infliction of pain in order to take away the pain you inflicted on others. You understood that if you can forgive yourself when you make a mistake, it becomes easier for you to address the consequences of your action in a productive and positive way; and there wasn't anything else that you and Darren wanted more than to make something positive for those you have harmed. Hence, Darren and you exchanged a pair of true smiles before hugging Brian while walking. Brian looked at you two and realized that you were finally starting the process to forgive yourselves; therefore, he smiled proudly. Not even words were necessary to express this act of forgiveness that it was about the giving and receiving of life. When you arrived to the platform you made sure that everybody was safe and sound; talking and laughing around the fire pit, observing the rain pouring down; like a perfect postcard of a group of happy people in a breathtaking place. Brian grinned in relief when he saw everything was fine, and so did Darren and you. You approached them still walking in a group hug, and they all finally noticed your presence. Instead of looking at you in suspicion, they looked at you surprised and curious. And then they also smiled proudly and contented, evidencing the fact that they also realized that you were finally coming to terms with this whole process of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance in harmony with the harmed loved ones. Perhaps they realized it because when your actions come from within yourself they are so true and sheer that they reflect in the eyes and even the most clueless person would notice it without the need to say a single word. And for the first time in days, Darren and you were able to look at them in the eye without feeling self-hatred. And, for the first time, without uttering a single word, you all came closer to each other to end in what it was a group hug. Not even the most unforgivable thing would ever be able to tear apart your strong friendship. And that group hug, not the conventional and sometimes embellished and overestimated words of 'you are my real friend', was the truest evidence. In that group hug resided the real definition of what a real friendship is.

"I'm proud of each one of you." George, complicit in this memorable act of friendship, said with abject gratification. You all looked at him in a fond way, all of you aware that your strong friendship would have never been possible if it hadn't been thanks to him and all of his advices, support and encouragement.

"We love you, surrogate father." Everybody said almost in unison, causing his eyes fill with tears of joy and making his face light up with one of his brightest, most lively smiles. Possibly the last one.

---

It was when we returned from the Malouf's Mountain Sunset Campgrounds when I noticed something strange was happening. When we arrived, Freckles, Brian and I, covertly, stirred up the whole house to check if Jim broke in and stole something or placed hidden cameras and microphones. We didn't find anything strange related to Jim... But I did find something strange in my bedroom. I had to check it twice to make sure I was seeing well, that this was not in my imagination, that this was really happening. The closet only contained my clothes, my stuff... All of February's belongings were gone and they were apparently packed on the suitcases that were next to the bed. I looked at those suitcases stunned, perplexed, confused. I was feeling a bit flurried and dizzy, so I sat on the bed, frowning in consternation. What did that mean? Would she... leave? Why wouldn't she tell me she wanted to leave? Or was this an anticipation of some sort of break-up? Whatever the reason was, she was determined to do it; otherwise, why would she pack everything? She didn't even commented me about this, not even gave me a single hint, and, clearly, she didn't consult this with me. Maybe this was the reason why she's been acting weird around me; because she planned doing this since days ago and she didn't want to tell me anything. Maybe she's been distant with me because she couldn't look into my eyes while knowing she was determined to break-up with me or whatever her suitcases next to the bed meant, while I was evidently clueless. I was feeling really bad. I didn't know how I was supposed to act normal after seeing this. How was I supposed to join the rest and not make anyone suspicious about the fact that I was certainly not feeling good? Why would February do this to me? I rested my elbows on my knees and propped my head on my hands.

"Kiddo, we're about to have a snack. You'll like it, hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies." George's cheery voice came from the door. I was giving him my back and I didn't dare to turn to look at him.

"Thanks for letting me know, George. I'll be there in a minute." I responded, my voice sounding guttural.

"Is everything okay, kiddo?" He asked in suspicion. I frowned and bit my lips; I couldn't lie to him, he would notice if I was lying. He had that ability.

"I don't know." I answered, my voice trembling a little.

"Hmm... Can I come in?" He asked and I just nodded, looking down. He walked slowly towards me and sat on bed, wrapping an arm around me and rubbing my shoulder. "You can vent it out with this old man. What's the matter?"

"I don't wanna ruin the mood." I replied while looking down and pursing my lips.

"Ruin the mood? For getting something that is saddening or worrying you off your chest? That wouldn't be ruining the mood; that would be improving the mood." He responded and I shook my head.

"I wasn't talking about my mood; I was talking about other people's mood, George." I sighed.

"As I'm concerned, I'm the only one around. And I can assure you that you won't ruin my mood... Actually, you'll improve my mood if I know I can do something for you to feel better." He said kindly, squeezing my shoulder. I frowned slightly and looked at the suitcases again. I couldn't tell him, he didn't deserve to hear all the drama in his last days. "Oh! Does it have something to do with those suitcases?" He asked curiously as I bit my lips. He was such a shrewd man. I nodded as a response. "Are those your suitcases?" He asked and I shook my head, running my fingers through my curls. "Oh..." He exclaimed in a whisper, proving that he got what this all was about. "Those suitcases belong to your girlfriend... And should I presume that seeing those suitcases took you by surprise?" He asked gently, squeezing my shoulder. My throat tightened and my chin began to wobble slightly, as my vision became blurred.

"Why would she pack her belongings in her suitcases? What does it even mean?" My strangulated voice echoed in the silent bedroom.

George didn't say anything at all, but I noticed his pale blue eyes fixed on me, looking at me with compassion, not pity. When a silent and slow tear escaped the corner of my eye as the evidence of my confusion and perhaps distress, he placed a hand on one side of my head and softly pulled my head to his shoulder as he wrapped his other arm around me to give me a comforting clinch. He knew the answer, just as I knew the answer, even if I didn't want to accept it.

"Farewells are not always bad. Sometimes they mean the beginning of something greater, for both parties. Sometimes it's about giving yourselves a new start that would allow both of you grow both personally and emotionally, it's about giving yourselves a new opportunity to resume dreams, fight for what you want, be true to yourself and find happiness. Sometimes a farewell is not because the other person doesn't love you; if anything, it's because that person loves you so much that wants to give you a better chance in your life, one in which you can be happier." George whispered while stroking my hair with his shaky hand, assuming the fact that both of us knew what the suitcases meant.

I wrapped my arms around him and he let me cry on his shoulder, as I was feeling again like he was my second dad who was comforting me and telling me wise words to make me see the positive side of what I was going through; advising me and talking about the subject in a subtle way in order to make me feel better about this rather than worse.

"And if you don't take that farewell in a bad way, you'll understand that every story has an end, but in life every end is a new beginning, kiddo." He added kindly, kissing the top of my head. "Don't be sad because of a farewell; cherish the good memories with that person instead. I promise everything will be all right, even if right now it's hard to believe." He added while moving away to show me an encouraging smile as he wiped my tears away with his thumbs.

"I just don't understand why. Why is this happening? I don't know when I'll stop paying for the mistake I've made. It seems that since that time... everything is slipping away. And I don't know how to stop everything from falling apart." I articulated with choked voice, in frustration and despair.

"Why do you think this is for the mistake you've made?" He frowned, looking deeply into my eyes as I sighed and looked down, thinking it was obvious that February would leave me because I cheated. "You see, kiddo, most of the farewells aren't because of one single reason; they are because of an accumulation of several reasons, which sometimes aren't all bad ones, sometimes are good ones that involve the search for the good of both. The cause of a farewell is not because one of the parties is the one to blame; either the two of you are to blame, or none of you are. So don't think this farewell is your fault because of what you've done; because it's not like that, kiddo." He rubbed and squeezed my arm, giving me a kind and small grin. "And if you feel like everything's falling apart, it's not because you've done something terrible and you have to pay for it in order to apologize to others, it's because you haven't given yourself the time to forgive yourself and assess yourself all those virtues that make you be an extraordinary person." He added while his kind pale blue eyes were looking at my direction.

I looked at him amazed and thrilled by his words, feeling that no words would be enough to thank him for telling me such encouraging words. I didn't have to say anything, with his wink I realized he noticed I was very grateful; and that was one of the things I admired of him.

"I'm sorry, George, for having to stand all of the dramatic immaturity of a young guy who wouldn't stop messing up your shirt with tears. I promise I'll buy you a new shirt, tearproof." I tried to joke, giggling weakly as he laughed out loud.

"A tearproof shirt, eh?" He commented amused, ruffling my hair. "That would be a really good gift because I like being that old man who comforts, not stands, all the drama, not immaturity, of young people who need a little encouragement to realize how beautiful life is and how extraordinary each one of you are." He winked and I smiled kindly at him.

"Oh yeah, we have you, George, the perfect role model to follow when it comes to extraordinary people." I said in all honesty before hugging him. "Thank you for giving us the best of you." I added and then I parted to find him looking at me with a warm grin, his eyes shining because of the thrill.

"How about that hot chocolate and chocolate chips cookies now to sweeten this life, eh?" He asked and I smiled widely.

"Yeah, I'm gonna steal all your cookies, George." I joked and he frowned and looked at me very serious.

"Never dare you do that, kiddo, or things could get rough for you." He threatened in a jokingly way.

After that, George and I headed to the screened porch where everybody was having a mug of hot chocolate accompanied with cookies. My gaze focused on February, who was, as usual lately, with Chuck and Lucy. She didn't even glance at me when I entered the room. There was no empty pouf for me to sit near February, so I sat next to George who sat next to Brian, Jen, Mandy and Joey, as Freckles was distant from everybody. I was right in front of February now, yet she didn't look at me at any moment. I observed her, laughing joyfully as I was feeling bad again, remembering the suitcases next to the bed. At least she could glance at me, notice my presence for once and for all; lately I was like a ghost for her, not even at nights she talked to me or showed me some kind of affection, and in mornings she was never there by the time I wake up; she didn't have time for me, but she had time for packing her belongings. When I took a sip of my hot chocolate, I felt a bit better due to the warmth I felt. However, when I looked at February into her blue eyes, I felt bad again, more like afflicted. I didn't want her to leave me; there were still a lot of things we had to talk about, a lot of things to share together, to do together, and to experience together; a lot of long nights with endless caresses and deep conversations pending between us. She couldn't leave me, I was really regretted. What could I do to show her so? What could I do to make her stay if I didn't even know all the reasons why she wanted to leave? Damn me for not having enjoyed her presence the enough while I still had the chance. If only she could look at me right now, she would know that I wanted her to stay, that I really wanted to be with her, to share more smiles together. And she looked at me, as though she could hear my mind, and I looked down. I fucking looked down and by the time I looked up again, she was no longer looking at me. What an asshole! Why did I look down? Perhaps because I didn't want her to know that I knew she wanted to leave; perhaps because I couldn't stand seeing her without standing up to walk to her and beg her to stay. Or perhaps it was because I felt like I didn't deserve to be with her for it was too much the pain I inflicted on her that she was in all her rights to leave me. Truth actually was that I did deserve her to leave me, but I didn't want it. I looked at my mug of hot chocolate and I got lost in it, immersing myself in my own sorrow. The feeling of little self-forgiveness I got to achieve the day we went to the Malouf's Mountain Sunset Campgrounds flew away like a feather in the wind when I saw February's suitcases. That was exactly how I was feeling: Like a feather in the wind, flying away with no path, simply floating in the air; like a feather in the wind, I was lost, extinct, empty.

"Eat a cookie, kiddo." George winked, handing me a cookie, maybe noticing I was feeling bad again. I received it with an amiable grin.

I ate the cookie as an excuse to get distracted with something because I was unable to take part of their conversation; perhaps that was the reason why George gave me the cookie. I looked at the only person who was just as silent as I was: Freckles. I had my reasons to be silent and feel bad, because February was gonna break-up with me; but why would Freckles be like that, so silent, staring her mug of hot chocolate, deep in thought and cheerless? She had no apparent reason. Brian was never gonna break-up with her, he would never leave her, he would never pack all his belongings without first telling her he was no longer feeling happy with her. Brian would never do to her what February was doing to me; therefore, she shouldn't be in the same mood than me. But she was. And it's curious all the things you can realize when you shut up and just remain observing people and a particular situation very intently; because facial expressions, attitudes and looks say thousands of unspoken words, they say more than what spoken words would ever say. Freckles and Brian were sitting very far from each other when before they couldn't be any single minute apart; Brian was kinda ignoring her as she was glancing at him from time to time, letting out a series of gloomy sighs, when usually it was Freckles the one who ignored Brian and Brian was the one who glanced at her furtively; Brian was talking a lot, overflowing with joy, talking to everybody but Freckles. And Freckles was alone, extremely silent, trying to make her presence as unnoticeable as possible; her shoulders hunched, the corner of her lips curved downwards, her eyes downcast, reflecting sadness and perhaps a hint of dejection. Not everything between her and Brian was splendid as I thought; they were going through a bad moment, or only Freckles was going through a bad moment; and by her appearance I knew it wasn't only because she was feeling remorseful, it was more than that: she was feeling... left aside, perhaps neglected. I frowned and looked at Brian again. It was impossible to believe the idea that Brian was leaving her aside, the idea that he was pushing her away, that he was ignoring her. There was no way he could be doing that because Freckles meant everything to him. That was a crazy idea. But what was it, then? There had to be a reason. After Freckles glanced at Brian and noticed he was not gonna look at her, and after she let out another sigh and drifted her glare to her mug; I noticed Brian glanced at her furtively, and his gaze disclosed affliction and some sort of apology. That was weird.

"Hey, how about we jam some songs?" Chuck proposed, all of a sudden.

"Oh, hearing you all singing is way better than listening to the radio. I'd be humbled by hearing you singing." George replied enthusiastically. Oh no... I knew what this would mean... Chuck, here you go...

"Hey, little bro!" Chuck called up. So predictable. "What if you start?" He suggested. Damn, I knew he would ask that; and I wasn't in mood to sing.

"What if you do?" I asked, looking away.

"What if Mandy does?" Chuck asked amused as Mandy shot him a withering look because she noticed Chuck was mocking her.

"What if I start kicking your balls, instead?" Mandy asked and they began to argue, in a playful way. But I didn't listen to them because I observed how Freckles, surreptitiously, walked towards Brian and stood behind him.

"Brian, can we talk in private?" Freckles whispered and no one heard because everybody was laughing at Chuck and Mandy.

"Do we really have to do it now? We're having a good time now, and we're about to sing some songs, or listen in my case. Let's leave it for later." Brian responded in a whisper, disregarding her hurt look. Was Brian really answering such a thing?

"But I really need to talk to you. You've been ignoring me all day long. I want to know what's wrong." Freckles complained, not in an annoyed way but in a distressed way.

"And I said let's leave it for later." He replied, stubbornly.

"Brian..." Freckles whispered in disbelief, hurt, frowning slightly.

"I don't wanna talk to you." He said while looking away. What? That didn't sound like something Brian would answer. "I wanna spend a good time with my dad. So, if you don't mind, let me do it."

"I understand that. But, Brian, please, it won't take so long... I just wanna know what's wrong or what I've done for you to act this way." She whispered anguished.

"Well, I know it's not gonna take a little time... Whatever we have to talk about, I know it will be, somehow, hurtful... Just... No. Not now." He answered and I frowned in complete disturbance. I couldn't believe he was doing that. I noticed how Freckles' eyes became moist.

"You know it, right? You're hiding it too, aren't you?" Freckles' brittle voice came out as a whisper.

"I'm hiding what?" He asked in confusion.

"That something is not working..." She whispered with a frown. Brian finally turned his face and looked at her confused, perhaps a bit jittery. "Chuck... I will start." Freckles spoke loudly this time.

Without hesitating, she walked to the center, where everybody could see her. But she stood right in front of Brian to look at him straight in the eye as he looked down, sensing this song would be dedicated to him. Freckles was gonna try to express her feelings with this song; I knew her, I knew this was her way to let out all she was feeling or thinking; therefore, I was gonna know why she was feeling sad. Before singing, she asked Chuck if he could play the keyboard and she told him the name of the song, so Chuck looked for the keyboard notes of the song in his laptop. Chuck started playing the keyboard and Freckles looked deeply into Brian's eyes as all of us got greatly silent to look at her and Brian with suspicion and curiosity.

I never meant to be the one to let you down

If anything, I thought I saw myself going first

I didn't know how to stick around

How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

I keep remembering the summer night

And the conversation breaking up the mood

I didn't want to tell you you were right

Like the season changing, oh, I felt it too

Freckles sang and her voice went a bit high pitched as she placed a hand on her heart and looked distressingly at Brian, who was looking at her through his eyelashes, feeling a bit uncomfortable for the fact that this song was dedicated to him. I knew what Freckles meant with that, because I felt it too... She was surely referring to the moment we let Brian and February down when they found out about our betrayal and how we never intended to hurt them, but just hurt ourselves because we didn't know how to be with them... And how after that everything started changing.

Does anybody know

How to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go,

Let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so

Before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go,

Let go, let go of you

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies

But the truth is you've been hiding from it too

I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes

Saying everything no words could ever do

She sang and her eyes, suddenly, filled with tears as she was looking deeply and piercingly into Brian's confused and perhaps disturbed eyes. He was no longer looking at her furtively, he was looking intently into her eyes, feeling a bit altered. Everybody, including myself, was looking at Freckles and Brian agape… Did she say the end? What did it mean? Was that end what she meant when she said he was hiding it? Was that what she meant when she said something wasn't working? Did really Brian want to end with their relationship and he didn't dare to say it? That was absurd. I looked at February; she was looking at me sadly. We both knew that song fitted perfectly to our situation. Freckles wasn't only singing for Brian; she was singing in my place, too, to let February know what she wanted to let Brian know.

Does anybody know

How to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go,

Let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so

Before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go,

Let go, let go of you

Some tears escaped Freckles' eyes while she was singing, making an immense effort not to let her voice crack. Now she pulled her eyebrows downwards and closed her eyes, placing both hands firmly on her heart as she let herself fall on her knees, pointing her head downwards as more tears fell down her cheeks and dripped into the floor. And everybody knew that action wasn't something overreacted, something she was pretending to add more drama to her performing; that action was just a reaction to what she was feeling very deep down inside her heart; it was a reaction to the sorrow she was feeling and she needed to vent out. Brian, clearly, noticed it, because he looked at her very afflicted. Chuck attempted to stop playing the keyboard because he understood this song was being too emotional for her, but he looked at me and I shook my head, letting him know that he had to keep playing it.

Is anybody listening?

'Cause I'm crying

She sang and now her voice cracked and finished like a sharp wail; and it sounded very distressing, more distressing than all the tears that were flowing endlessly across her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around herself as a way to comfort herself, making clear the loneliness she was feeling, and then she took a deep breath to be able to continue singing.

Is anybody listening?

She sang her lungs out, slowly lifting her head up and throwing her upper body back with her eyes still closed; and despite the tears, she hit the highest note and she sustained it quite naturally. Her deep voice echoed in the room and that was the part she touched our souls and made us feel all the pain she was feeling. It was something that made me flinch and left me stunned; and I assumed that it had the same effect on others, because they were looking at her with eyes wide open and lips parted; except Brian who had teary eyes and was clearly affected with the song. Freckles, all of a sudden, stood up, opened her eyes, wiped her tears away, and looked steadily and intensely into Brian's eyes.

Does anybody know

How to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go,

Let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so

Before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go,

Let go, let go of you

She sang in between gasps, but also in a passionate and almost fierce way, without taking her eyes off Brian. Then she softened her stare and also her voice, to look at Brian in a very sad way, her eyes filling with tears once again; as Brian was frowning and looking at her distressed, but also with a hint of concern.

I don't wanna let go.

Her voice cracked but sounded sweet and mellow. Then she looked down and a small, slow tear streamed down her cheek and dripped from her wobbling chin. And the room was deeply consumed by an abysmal silence; nobody dared to make any kind of sound, not even Brian, especially Brian. George looked sadly at Freckles and then he shifted his gaze to his son; he looked at him for a while before frowning, pursing his lips and looking down, nodding slightly, apparently anguished; perhaps he was the only one who could fully understand what was happening. Freckles wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her sweater and glanced at Brian before turning around to leave the screened porch. Brian looked down and ran a hand over his face before standing up to go after Freckles. And, oddly enough, Jen looked at Brian and she frowned and pursed her lips before standing up to follow Brian. I glanced at February and she was looking away, deep in thought, her face reflecting sadness. I bit my lips strongly and I stood up and left the screened porch, without saying anything at all. I wanted to return to my bedroom, because that song really touched me, because I felt it; I felt how that song manifested my situation with February and I could no longer hold my tears back. However, something stopped me when I reached the hallway that headed to the bedrooms. Jen and Brian were there, apparently discussing about something that no one was supposed to hear, because they were whispering.

"Brian, stop! You have to calm down." Jen whispered, looking at him severely.

"To calm down, Jen? Are you kidding me?" Brian whispered, sounding as if he was upset, or maybe uptight and fidgety. "She knows it, Jen! She fucking knows what is happening!"

"No, she doesn't know. She is just feeling bad for all that has happened, it was just a song. She is not suspecting anything." Jen responded roundly. I frowned disgruntled. What were they talking about? Were they hiding Freckles something?

"It wasn't a random song! And she meant that song, Jen! She always means the songs she sings! You heard it, that I've been hiding it, and that she doesn't want to let go... Why would she sing that if she didn't know that you've been preparing me to do this?" He asked with shaky voice and I felt even more suspicious and discontented. "She knows it!" He exclaimed exasperated.

"She knows what?" I dared to ask from behind them. Both of them jumped in fear and turned abruptly to look at me perturbed. Brian quickly looked away and bit his lips as Jen parted her lips and looked at me nervously.

"Nothing." Jen answered and I shook my head in disbelief.

"What are you hiding, eh?" I had to demand an explanation.

"It's none of your business, Darren. This is something only between Brian and Freckles." Jen responded determined, yet her voice trembled a little.

"Oh, but aren't you involved in this, too? I heard you, you know?" My voice dripped disdain.

"Yes, because I've been requested so. Therefore, this is still none of your business." Jen answered, this time firmly and this time her voice didn't tremble. I never felt some sort of hate for Jen, but this time I did. Not real hate, but total fury.

"I don't care a damn shit of that... I want an explanation. What are you planning? What is that thing that Freckles shouldn't know but seemingly knows, eh?" I asked brutally, feeling how some kind of rage was running through my veins. Brian frowned and scraped the nape of his neck in complete edginess.

"Darren..." I suddenly heard a voice behind me that took my anger away and replaced it with sadness. I turned my face around to look a pair of distressed blue eyes looking at me. "Can we go to the bedroom? I have to talk to you." February requested very gently. I gulped and my heart began to beat faster due to the sudden nervousness I was feeling.

I nodded as a response, but I didn't move from where I was; so she took my hand and led me to the bedroom. It was when she closed the door of the bedroom when I felt an oppressive pressure on me as though the whole world fell upon my shoulders, and I knew that was how it was like to be heavy-hearted. I couldn't move and I couldn't look at her, because I knew what this 'talk' meant. I knew it wouldn't be a talk, it'd be a farewell. And I wasn't ready for that, regardless if she wanted to do this for the good of both or if this wouldn't be a bad thing. Right now, it felt it was bad for me. From behind, she placed her hands on my waist and led me to the bed, making me sit there as she remained standing. I saw the suitcases again and I felt as though someone, slowly, was trying to rip my heart off of my chest. It hurt, not only in the mind, but also for real, in the flesh. She kneeled in front of me and took both of my hands; I just looked at our hands holding, tormenting myself with the thought that maybe this would be the last time we would hold hands. When she kissed my hands, I looked up and found her big blue eyes looking deeply into mine. Her eyes weren't looking at me in a sad or offended way, they were looking at me in a fond way, and that was what confused me.

"Darren..." She whispered with a small grin. My heart increased its pace when the conversation marked a beginning. "I think you know what this talk is gonna be about. I realized it when I looked at you into the eyes in the moment you and George entered the screened porch." She said softly and I had to look down. "And I made sure of it when you looked at the suitcases next to you." She added and I bit my lower lip hard. I felt as if I wasn't able to speak. "You know that I'm leaving, but you don't know why. You surely have already made up things in your mind, thinking about a reason of why I would leave. I know you, so I know what you thought; but let me tell you that the reason you've thought about is not the real reason." She spoke so softly, so kindly and my eyes began to fill with tears. I felt how she cupped my chin with her hand and lifted my head to make me look into her eyes. "I don't want you to think that I'm leaving because of what you did, because that would be something wrong to think. I'm not leaving because I can't forgive you for cheating on me; I already forgave you for that. I'm not leaving because I think you're a bad person or because I think you're worthless, because you're one adorable guy, you're a good person, funny, nice and kind. I'm not leaving because I think you're the guilty one, or the one who ruined our relationship, or because I'm getting back at you for what you did, not even because I think you deserve to suffer as much as I did; I don't think any of those things, things that surely crossed your mind when you were trying to find a reason of why." She said with a sweet grin, her thumbs brushing my cheeks. I looked at her a bit despondent, because I knew these were excuses not to make me feel worse than the way I was already feeling; because I perfectly knew her departure was my fault. "I'm leaving you because I love you." She added and I frowned. That made no sense at all.

"If you truly loved me, you would stay." I finally spoke, puckering my brows. I glanced at her and noticed her sad eyes. I didn't want to make her feel bad, though; I didn't want to complain or blame on her because of this. "I know you are breaking up with me because I'm an asshole who disappointed you, therefore, now you can't stand staying because the pain I inflicted on you is too much to bear. It's okay if you no longer love me, but be honest with me, tell me that truth." I requested in despair, looking straight into her eyes.

"I won't tell you that, because that is not the truth, Darren. Do I really make you feel like I don't love you?" She asked with a frown and distressed eyes. I pursed my lips and looked down before shaking my head as a response.

"No… But then, what other explanation would be reasonable enough to justify your decision of breaking up with me? Because if you love me, then it makes no sense you want to leave." I questioned confused and downhearted, looking down again.

"It makes perfect sense, Darren. Cannot you see it?" She asked in a whisper, tilting her head to look into my eyes, taking both of my hands again. "I love you way too much to keep you tied to me. I cannot stand not seeing you flying, seeing you clinging to a relationship that is no longer making you feel emotionally fulfilled, and seeing you sticking around a person who is no longer making you happy. I love you way too much to let you destroy yourself, your dreams and your hopes; to let you waste all the love you have to give and receive with a person you love but who isn't the love of your life." Her voice sounded sweet but with a tinge of sadness. I kept my gaze focused on our hands, not wanting to accept she was leaving me, no matter how noble her intentions were.

"Don't break up with me, Feb. I promise I'll try harder to make you see that I want to be with you." It was the only I could utter due to the lump in my throat. She caressed my hands with her thumbs and she gave me a weak smile.

"I'm not breaking up with you, I'm letting you go; I'm setting you free to fly wherever you want with whoever you want. I'm letting you go so you can go after what makes you feel alive. There's a big difference between breaking up with someone and letting someone go." She responded, trying to look into my eyes, but I was looking away, biting my lips and frowning.

"I cannot tell the difference. It ends the same way; me without you." I sighed discouraged.

"Let me explain…" She stated and I glanced at her. "Breaking up with someone would mean that something has come to its end, and not in the best way; it means a separation in which one of the involved would suffer and in which one of the involved would be the guilty for this separation; it means that one is tired of the relationship, that one doesn't feel something for the other, that the person who decides to finish the relationship is not contented with something and that person doesn't care about the other because nothing will make them change their mind."

"It's exactly the same to let someone go. Different words, same meaning." I pointed out, raising an eyebrow and shifting my gaze again. There was no way she could make me think it was different; it was the same shit. Still, at the end, it was me being without her, and me suffering because she would no longer be next to me.

"No, that's not right." She contradicted me in a very round way; so I looked intently at her. "Letting someone go is about giving the other person a better chance, and giving yourself a better chance as well; a better chance to find true happiness. It means that, despite at first it can be hurtful and hard, no one will suffer because the separation will bring a rewarding result, because it ended in good terms in regard that it came to happen to give us a reason to smile again." She said gently, squeezing my hands to make me see her smiling sweetly at me.

But I couldn't smile; I was feeling how the hollow in my heart was getting bigger. She was really saying goodbye to me and I felt too incapable to make her change her mind because she seemed to be determined. Why couldn't she understand that there was no better chance for me? She was my best chance right now; even if deep down I knew Freckles was my best chance, Freckles was with Brian, therefore, I wouldn't find happiness there. And smile for what? I couldn't see any reason to smile out of this. Our separation wouldn't bring a rewarding result; it would bring pain and solitude. Why couldn't she see that?

"Letting go means that you're not tired of your relationship, but you cannot see it going anywhere either, that you realize that it's no longer a relationship that can grow in order to make yourselves feel complete. It means that you care so much about the other person to let him waste his dreams and his love with someone who isn't the right person for him. It means that you care so much that you can't allow holding onto him at the cost of his own chance to grow personally and emotionally." She whispered, placing her hands on my cheeks. I took her by the wrists and turned my face to kiss one of her hands, closing my eyes. I really appreciated the way she was thinking about me, but I didn't want her to do this. It was hurting me.

"I don't wanna give up. I want to make it work for us to feel complete with each other." I replied with choked voice, opening my eyes to look into her warm blue eyes.

"It doesn't mean giving up, it means going ahead for a better future. It means allowing ourselves to understand that there are too many ordinary things in our lives, and love shouldn't be one of them; so that both of us deserve better." She responded tenderly and I let out a muffled wail, closing my eyes again and pursing my lips to stop this need to cry I had. She gave me one small kiss on the forehead and fondled my cheek as I opened my eyes again, now full of tears. "You deserve being with a girl who can make you feel complete, and I'm not that person, you always knew who that person is for you, you found her in your Senior year in high school. And I deserve to find that person, and that person is not you because your heart always belonged to someone else." She added.

I bit my lips because I knew that sooner or later she was gonna bring Freckles in the conversation; because she was doing this because I kissed Freckles. And the tears finally escaped the corner of my eyes. I covered my face because I didn't want her to see me crying, even if she already did. In that moment I realized I was losing one person who really loved me and who always gave me her best, who, despite her mistakes and insecurities, always wanted the best for me… And I blew it, I blew us for kissing one person who was the love of my life but who made the definite decision to stay with one of my best friends. Maybe I wasn't the only responsible for ruining our relationship, or weaken it, because a relationship is a matter of two people; but I was highly guilty for not trying to make it work when she was doing so… I was guilty for desiring another girl instead of enjoying her and allow myself to fully fall in love with her. I didn't even try it; and she did. And now that I was losing her, I was starting to regret. She could have been my new love of my life… But I blew it. She took my hand and uncovered my face; I looked at her trough my tears and she leaned to give me one slight kiss on my mouth that lasted several minutes. I knew that would be the last kiss between us, so I placed my hands on her cheeks and deepened the kiss; at least to try to enjoy one thing with her, at last. I felt her soft lips on mine, touched her skin, and smelled her perfume for the last time. And I thought that farewells are sad, hard and always leave us this feeling of irony and paradox: It takes a long and arduous time to get something, and then it slips away so easily. We parted and looked deeply into each other's eyes until she gave me one affectionate smile.

"I love you, Darren, and you'll always be part of my heart." She whispered, softly fondling my cheek. "But we need to go separate ways now." She added and her words echoed in my mind, causing me a severe pain in the chest. "It's time to go after the loves of our lives, it's time to stop being afraid of fighting for something or someone who will give us all we need to carry out the happy life we want to live. It's time. If we don't do it now, then it'll be too late." She finished saying, pursing her lips.

And then everything happened too fast and too fuzzy. She kissed my forehead in a very lovingly way, let out my hands and moved away; leaving me with this feeling of cold after feeling warmth. She grabbed the suitcases, walked to the door of the bedroom and opened it. I looked up and a kind of desperation and fear came over my body, knowing it was already time for her to leave. She smiled fondly at me one last time and then she turned around to leave the bedroom; and I swear I saw a tear racing down her cheek. When she disappeared from my sight, I began to experience a series of gasps I could not control. I knew she wouldn't come back and I couldn't move to stop her. When I heard voices coming from the living room was the moment when I acted on instinct. I stood up and ran to the living room, and I stopped abruptly when I arrived. I began to gasp again, consumed by this intense fear that was running through my veins, seeing how she was saying goodbye to everyone who didn't look confused for this, as if they knew this would happen. Some of them noticed I was in the room and they looked away, not in the way as though they were mad at me, but in the way they were afflicted for this. The last person she hugged was Brian; and I heard her whispering him something.

"It's time. You can do it, too. Good luck, Brian."

I was way too disturbed and fuddled to try to think what that meant; I didn't even care... I just cared about the fact February was leaving. She walked to the entrance and opened the door as a seemingly endless flow of silent tears began to slide down from my eyes all of a sudden. The cold breeze from outside invaded the room as February stepped out. I saw her going down the steps and that was the moment when I ran after her, sensing how all the gazes from the rest were following me.

"Feb!" My strangled yell was heard through the sound of the wind. She turned her face and I finally saw her tears streaming down her already wet cheeks. "No!" I tried to continue talking, but it was being really hard. So I walked to her and took one of her hands. "Stay."

"I can't, Darren." She answered with brittle voice. Then she let out my hand and grinned weakly. "I'll always remember you, Darren. You made me believe that it was possible for me to love and be loved back. You made me feel beautiful and you brought me so much happiness. Now I wish you the same for your future." She said so sweetly that I couldn't help sobbing as more tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I love you." My voice came out as a sharp wail; as her face became very blurred owing to my tears.

"Me too. I wish you the best." She said with the last smile I'd ever see on her face. "Goodbye, Darren."

She turned around and I observed how her silhouette was disappearing in the darkness, walking to the cab that was waiting for her. She got in; the taxi driver started the car, and began to drive away. I gasped and ran behind the cab, yelling February's name, even if she wouldn't hear me, even if the car wouldn't stop, even if I wouldn't reach the cab in which she left. And it disappeared from my sight. She was gone. And gone forever. I got not even one last kiss to warm me in the cold night that was engulfing me. I'd never have her again. I stopped running and I bent, placing my hands on my knees to cry in abject misery in middle of the street.

"I love you, Feb." My choked voice echoed in the quiet street.

But she would never know that I said it. With strong will, I stood up and wiped my tears away. I kept looking in the direction where the cab disappeared, perhaps expecting some kind of miracle that would make her come back to tell her all the things I didn't tell her before she left. But there was no movement and the only sound I could hear was the sound of the wind. I took a deep breath and gathered all my inner strength to face the difficult time because I had no other choice. I had to wipe my tears away and walk to the house again, where everybody was looking at me through the windows. When I entered, they all looked at me very intently, perhaps expecting from me some kind of explanation about how I was feeling; but I ignored them. I made a big effort to maintain my face expressionless in all the way from the entrance to my bedroom, a way that seemed to be endless and somehow harrowing. But I made it, and as soon as I locked the door of my bedroom, I broke into tears... No one was seeing me, so I allowed myself to let out a heart wrenching wail, followed by a crying that came with great heaving sobs, releasing the sadness and sorrow that has been held inside of me, not since February left, but since the moment she saw me in the kitchen with Freckles and I begged February to stay with me and she accepted, so full of doubts. My tears soaked the pillow below, and when I gasped for air, I turned my head and I saw her place of the bed; it was now completely empty. I threw my arm across the mattress, my hand aching because February wasn't there. The tears stopped and I immersed myself in an engrossed state of mind, watching her next to me in my mind; recalling all those undervalued moments I experienced with her before falling asleep and after waking up, when I could watch her peaceful sleeping face facing me. And an inexplicable smile spread across my face because in a fleeting moment I realized that perhaps I would no longer have her again, but I had such great memories with her that not even this farewell would erase. And yes, farewells are sad, hard, and always leave us this feeling of irony and paradox; but a farewell sometimes means to let go... And letting go sometimes it is necessary, sometimes letting go doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're strong enough to give you and the other person a better chance because you deserve it. Sometimes a farewell isn't a goodbye, but it is a change; and changes are scary but indispensable. That was what February tried to tell me, and that was what I recently understood. It takes a long and arduous time to get something, and then it slips away so easily... Then we get something new, a new start, a better chance.

---

"Hey, baby girl, come on, wake up! We don't have much time!"

Brian's voice interrupted your dreams. You weren't sure if his voice was part of the dream or if it was actually happening, until he shook your shoulder and realized that this was happening in real life. You growled and buried your head in the pillow, to try to continue sleeping. But Brian seemed to be in the insisting, annoying mood. Why would he wake you up? You opened your eyes just a crack, feeling your eyelids very heavy, and you noticed it was still very dark; you were almost sure it wasn't past 6 am. You shut your eyes again and covered your head with the pillow.

"Do not do that!" He exclaimed before moving the pillow away. "Wake up!"

"Why are you doing this? I'm sleeping." You grouched with husky voice before yawning.

"We have to do something." He responded in a bossy way, placing his hands on your shoulders to lift your body. You half-opened your eyes again, now frowning.

"Geez! What time is it?" You asked in disbelief, your voice sounding hoarse.

"5 am." He responded and you parted your lips and looked at him incredulous. "Now, get up!"

"Are you kidding me? We have to do something at 5 am? What kind of things can you do at 5 am? What even!" You exclaimed in disbelief, trying to rest your head on the pillow again, but Brian forced you to remain sitting.

"It's a surprise. Come on, baby girl." He insisted, but in an enthusiastic way this time.

You opened your eyes wide this time, to look into his green eyes that were looking at you in a pleading way. You smiled slightly and rubbed your eyes not to feel your eyelids so heavy. You couldn't tell him that you wanted to get back to sleep, even if you wanted it so badly, because, after all, he wanted to surprise you and, judging by the enthusiastic and sweet way he was looking at you, it'd be something cute. Besides, you asked him if he could be closer to you because this whole thing of him acting distant was hurting you, and since the moment you requested this, he has been acting very nicely; so you couldn't just tell him that you weren't in mood to do something, whatever he planned. So, instead of lying in bed again, you threw your arms around his neck and snuggled up to him as he put his arms around you, chuckling softly because of his sudden surprise.

"Does this mean that you're gonna get up?" He rustled in your ear, kissing your temple. You moved your face to look at him with a broad grin before kissing his lips.

"Yes, my adorable boy." You responded in front of his lips that were curved up into a smile. "Give me some minutes to get dressed."

"No, let's not waste our time getting dressed. We will just go outside. Come on, trust me!" He exclaimed in an enthusiastic way. He was already dressed and he had a backpack hung on his shoulder.

"Fine..." You whispered in suspicion, but you decided to get up.

As soon as you got up, Brian put on you a coat and wrapped a scarf around your neck. He handed you your pair of boots and you put them on as he put on you a beanie. You looked at him confused, still with sleepy eyes; yet not questioning anything at all. Once you were ready, he grinned widely, held your hand and intertwined his fingers with yours as you looked at him very intrigued. You sneakily but quickly left the bedroom, trying not to make any sound because everybody, reasonably, was sleeping. You managed to leave the house in silence. It was freezing and it was very dark, only the moon and stars were illuminating the backyard. Brian led the way until he stood in front of the storm water drainage downpipe.

"Alright, we have to climb." Brian announced and you looked at him with eyes wide open as though he was crazy.

"Wait... Are you suggesting that I have to climb the downpipe?" You asked slowly and he frowned and shook his head.

"No, baby girl... I'm not suggesting that." He responded and you felt a bit relieved. For a moment you thought he lost his mind. "I am ordering you to climb it." He winked with an amused smile.

"What? No! You're out of your mind. I'm not doing that, Brian." You exclaimed in disbelief.

"I'll go first and I'll give you my hand to help you get on the rooftop." He said and he didn't even give you time to answer. He was already climbing the downpipe.

"I'm not some sort of monkey, Brian!" You complained but he just laughed. In few minutes he was on the rooftop, kneeling on the gutter, extending you his hand. "Geez, Brian! No, I won't climb that downpipe."

"Come on, baby girl! Would you leave me alone here?" He asked with a very sad face, pretending to be offended.

"Yes." You responded, crossing your arms above your chest, looking away.

"I am really sad, the saddest I've ever been." He replied with a pout. "Come on, baby girl, come here with me."

"Brian, this is totally crazy!" You exclaimed incredulous.

"Isn't it always amazing and fun to do crazy things?" He questioned with a mischievous smile and you glanced at him furtively. Damn, he had a good point.

"I hate you." You huffed before starting to climb the downpipe. He giggled and when you were near the top, he took your hand and pulled you to him.

You giggled when he pecked your lips and held your hand again. You were not supposed to do this, it was not correct, but for that same reason you were feeling excited. He led you to the center of the rooftop, pulled out a blanket from his backpack and placed it on the rooftop before indicating you to sit. Once you sat you observed your surroundings and grinned broadly. From there you could see the moon create silhouettes against the buildings of the city that skimmed the starry dark sky. Gosh, this was a beautiful and scenic panorama. After few minutes you felt a pair of arms wrapping around your waist, providing you a very warm sensation, as Brian rested his chin on your shoulder, placing his legs on your sides. You turned your face to find him looking deeply into your eyes with a fond smile, his face looking spellbinding in the moonlight. You reached his lips and kissed them tenderly before turning your face around to rest your back on his chest. You both remained extremely silent, just observing the panorama until he moved and handed you a thermos.

"Hot chocolate?" He offered with a wink and you smiled at him before receiving it.

"You really planned all of this very well, didn't you?" You asked amused before sipping the hot chocolate. "Hmm, this feels so good." You whispered in pleasure when the hot chocolate warmed your body. Brian kissed the top of your head before he moved again to look for something in the backpack.

"If you tell me you have chocolate chip cookies, then I'll love you forever." You said and he chuckled.

"No, it's better than that." He replied and you frowned. What could be better than chocolate chip cookies? He hid his hands behind his back and smiled playfully. "Pick a hand." He requested and you raised your eyebrows in amusement.

"Uh... The right one!" You exclaimed and he placed the chosen item in your hand.

You looked at it and you parted your lips in surprise before the corners of your lips rose. It was the portable creativity kit he gave you for Thanksgiving. You looked at him with bright eyes as he smiled sweetly at you. You opened the box and read again what he wrote on the inside of the lid of the box. 'Now the artist within yourself can be creative anywhere and everywhere.'

"Do you remember that day when we were in Griffith Park, lying on the grass and watching the sunset, when you told me you wished you had a portable kit to paint that breathtaking landscape?" He asked and you smiled widely because you remembered perfectly that day; then you nodded. "And you remember I told you I'll get you one because I love watching you while you paint?" He asked again and you nodded with bright eyes. "Well, I never got to see you painting a breathtaking landscape and I always longed for that day to come. In the face of that, I decided to take you here now. It's not Griffith Park and it's not sunset. But it is NYC and we're about to see one of the most beautiful sunrises. So... I hope you're in mood to paint." He finished saying with a lovely smile and eyes full of hopes. Such was the tenderness he made you feel that the only you could do was to throw your arms around his neck to hug him tightly.

"I love you, Bri." You whispered in his ear before kissing him on the mouth. "I'll paint for you. And you better hang this painting on the wall of your bedroom." You said and he chortled.

"I'll definitely do that. But you must sign it, because after a few years from now this painting will cost a fortune." He commented with a wink and this time it was you the one who chortled, shaking your head.

"Alright, I'll paint for you and sign it provided that you recite a fragment of any book that ever mentioned a sunrise." You requested him and he looked at you with narrowed eyes as he curled his lip in amusement.

"You like Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle, don't you?" He asked even if he already knew the answer.

"After suffocating you for an entire year, begging you to read me Doyle's novels of Sherlock... You have the audacity to ask me such a thing?" You questioned and his cheery laughter shook your heart, making your teeth shine bright. Again you felt that warm, meek, fuzzy feeling in your chest.

"Hey, give me some credit! It was clearly a rhetorical question, of course! Do not question my sanity, baby girl!" He exclaimed exaggeratedly, his eyes still twinkling because of the laughter. "I'll recite you something... But I want you to look ahead; you don't wanna miss the sunrise, do you?" He asked and you grinned and shook your head.

You turned your face and rested your back on his chest again, also resting the back of your head on his shoulder as he pressed his left cheek against your right cheek. You placed your hands on his arms that were still holding you tightly. Then you squinted at him and saw a charming grin on his face before he moved his lips to your ear. You closed your eyes and listened to his mellow voice reciting you a fragment of Doyle's novel in a whisper; such was the nicety of his voice as though it was an intimate secret that made you get goosebumps.

"How sweet the morning air is! See how that one little cloud floats like a pink feather from some gigantic flamingo. Now the red rim of the sun pushes itself over the London cloud-bank. It shines on a good many folk, but on none, I dare bet, who are on a stranger errand than you and I. How small we feel with our petty ambitions and strivings in the presence of the great elemental forces of Nature!" He finished saying in a whisper before he kissed your temple, making you shiver slightly.

You opened your eyes and grinned cheerfully, thinking it was one very lovely and accurate fragment the one he chose. You ran your fingers through Brian's arms as he began to nuzzle your neck with his nose, softly and tenderly. You were feeling oddly calm and peaceful, oddly gleeful. It was that time of day when the sun hasn't come up yet, but you can already feel it coming; it was an elusive warmth, like a subtle sensation that you would start the day knowing you've given a chance to witness one of the many breathtaking sunrises you've missed. You waited patiently for the perfect scene to paint; it wasn't perfect yet. So you continued watching the panorama, feeling Brian's arms enfolded firmly around your waist, sensing his breathing against your neck, noticing his gaze focused on the panorama, also expecting to witness the absolute spectacular act of nature you were about to experience. In the most unexpected moment, the sun flushed pale streaks of light and then the sunrise was the color of blood. It leaked out of the east and stained the dark sky red, marked the scraps of the cloud with stolen gold. Underneath it, the buildings of the city, a cluster of tall skyscrapers, were black silhouettes. The sunrise was red, black and gold. And the top of the sun rose, peacefully, steadily, warmly, and in beautiful color, out of nothing until it cleared the unseen rim and the twinkling stars fade as you regarded it with your own eyes. There hung the sun, like a white pearl, just below the rim of the skyscrapers. Suddenly it swelled, turned red, roared over the horizon and drove up the sky, chasing the mist. The birds were an orchestra in the trees in the backyard while some of them jumped from branch to branch; and you saw how the long grass was straightening and the flowers were opening while dangling locks of dewdrops dwindled and dried. And you decided that was the perfect moment, the perfect scene, the perfect feeling to paint. The warmth caused by the sunrise together with the warmth of Brian's embrace engulfed you in sweet pleasure; when you turned slightly your face to glance at Brian surreptitiously and you saw his face taking in the sun's golden rays and his jade green eyes shining and reflecting the reddish and golden sunrise in the pupils of his eyes, you became engrossed in a mystical wonderment. And it was that sweet pleasure and that mystical wonderment that inspired you to start painting. When you stained the white paper with watercolors, immersed in a glass bubble of inspiration and passion, you noticed that Brian lowered his gaze to see what you were painting with a fond smile, as he began to brush his thumbs on your stomach. You didn't paint the landscape in a figurative way, you painted the feelings that landscape and Brian's presence were bringing you; it was more like the type of painting from the artistic movement of Expressionism, which seeks the expression of feelings and emotions of the author rather than the objective representation of reality. You were trying to represent your vivid emotional reactions by powerful colors and dynamic compositions while each caress from Brian to you was increasing these emotions, therefore, the intensity of the use of striking colors. You let your spirit soar while Brian was holding you, fondling you, and kissing you in the presence of this magnificent and awe-inspiring sunrise. It came a point when Brian stopped moving to just hold you tightly, resting his chin on your shoulder, as you were feeling his heart beating against your back. In that instant you felt as though your hearts were beating as one, and that was what gave your painting the final and most remarkable touch, what made that painting unique and singular. Then you felt Brian's body slightly shaking and what you painted wasn't the final touch; the final touch of your painting was given by a small tear that hit the right corner of the painting. You finally shifted your gaze to look up at Brian and you found him shedding some silent tears, his gaze lost in your painting. You frowned in confusion, wondering if it was your painting what made him feel emotional to cause him shed tears, or if something else was happening to him, something that was saddening him. You cupped his cheek with your hand and kissed his tears away as a weak, sad smile spread across his face.

"This is one of the things I wanted to do the most with you, Sunny." His brittle voice whispered in front of you in the same instant he placed both hands on your cheeks, making your heart skip a beat due to the affectionate way he said that.

"And this is one of the most romantic moments I've ever had, Bri." You whispered before giving him a sweet, warm kiss on the mouth. And he kissed you back as though this was the last time he'd kiss you.

"I love you so much, you know that right?" He asked with strangled voice as his warm, salty tears dripped into your mouth.

"I know..." You whispered kindly in front of his wet lips while wiping his tears away with your thumbs. "And I love you, too." You added before pecking his lips mildly.

However, your words, instead of making him smile, made him let out a muffled wail that was followed by a constant tear overflow. Consequently, you pulled him into a comforting, warm hug; not sure about the reasons why he was crying, but sure about the fact he needed reassurance. Your original painting was completely modified by Brian's tears; but it was his tears what gave the painting that touch of pure emotional realism. Your painting didn't belong to you alone, it belonged to both of you; you two created that painting, together. And maybe that was the evidence of your love, so you couldn't help smiling at it when you and Brian looked at it once he got to calm down. And you named the painting: 'Sunrise: Falling in love'. You signed it as promised and gave it to Brian, who smiled sweetly with his distressed, teary green eyes. More tears raced down his cheeks and dripped from his wobbling chin. You couldn't understand why he was crying, because those weren't tears of joy or thrill, they were tears of sadness. You embraced him again and he wrapped his arms tightly around you, as though he didn't want to let you go, as though he really needed it.

"It's really beautiful, Sunny. I'll keep it safe with me." His voice cracked and you frowned slightly. Maybe he was indeed feeling sensitive. "I will always love you." He whimpered in your ear, tightening the hold.

"Brian, you just sound like we are gonna part and not see each other ever again." You giggled softly, rubbing his back. Then you parted and kissed his temple. "I'm glad you liked it, we both created it." You said with a bright smile, pointing him his tears on the painting; he looked at it and chuckled softly, with tears still falling down his cheeks.

"That's nice, to have something about us to always keep, something that will stay always the same, with no changes." He commented, wiping his tears away. Why was he sounding so tragic and dramatic? "I'm sorry about the tears and all... I'm just a bit... emotional." He tittered, his eyes still teary but no longer shedding tears. Then he looked deeply into your eyes and smiled fondly. "You look so beautiful in the morning sun. You're so beautiful and this whole moment is so beautiful."

"Aww, Bri! You're the most beautiful person, outside and inside; and this is for sure one of the most beautiful moments of my life. We, together, are beautiful, don't you think?" You asked with a sweet grin, fondling his cheek with your thumb as a very cute smile lit up his face.

"Yes." He whispered.

You turned around to finally be face to face with him as he pulled you closer to him, placing his hands firmly on your hips. You placed your hands on his shoulders and bended your legs and pressed them against his chest, as he enclosed his legs on your sides. You rubbed his shoulders as you both shared affectionate smiles while the morning sun was warming you and you were sheltering each other from the cold with your closeness.

"I think we'll have beautiful babies, too." You commented with a cheery chuckle as his eyes twinkled and his face went meek.

"Are you really imagining how our babies would look like? Are you really, like, picturing a future of... us?" He asked in absolute amazement, his eyes shining like never before; as though what you commented brought him too much happiness.

"Yes, I am." You giggled before pecking his lips lightly, three consecutive times. He placed both hands on your cheeks and kissed you deeply and tenderly. That was probably one of the most thrilling kisses he gave you.

"Baby girl, you are the first person who imagines with me a future... You have no idea... I always longed for the day you would tell me something like this. It's like... Like a dream come true. I am... happy." He articulated with wheezy voice, his eyes sparkling in a dazzling way. Instinctively, a flawless grin reached across your lips and onto your face owing to the extreme joy his words inflicted on you. "You truly gave me all I've ever dreamed of. You truly made of my life a life worth it to live. Thank you for everything you gave me, beautiful." He finished saying in an intimate way, before giving you a small kiss on the forehead. When you looked into his eyes again, your eyes were teary because of your thrill. You couldn't stop this feeling of being infatuated with him. It was a beautiful feeling you haven't felt in a while.

"Brian... I love you. I do." It was the only you could answer.

"What on earth are you doing in my rooftop, you two?" Jen's voice suddenly yelled in surprise.

Brian and you looked abruptly at her with the typical facial expression of being caught and pretending to be innocent. Jen crossed her arms above her chest and tilted her head, expecting some kind of answer; she didn't seem upset, though, she seemed to be curious and amused. You and Brian exchanged looks and giggled before standing up, holding hands.

"Sorry, Jen... You have a nice rooftop." Brian answered jokingly. "We were just checking if it didn't have any water infiltration... All is cool, so there's no need to worry." He added and Jen chuckled, shaking her head.

"Is that the best you could come up with?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes.

"Well, yeah! I think it was a genius answer, given that I only had one minute to think about a coherent answer." Brian answered back in a playful way, and then he looked at you. "Wasn't it a genius answer, baby girl?" He asked and you tittered.

"It wasn't... But I love you anyways." You mocked and kissed his lips in the jiffy he opened his mouth to complain.

"You know? The rooftop is not designed to support that type of weight that both of you imply." Jen shouted, frowning slightly.

"Are you calling us fat people, Jen? That's harassment!" Brian joked, pretending to be offended.

"Get out of there, already!" Jen yelled. "By the way, how the hell did you manage to get there?" She asked curiously.

"Oh yeah, about that... I'll buy you a new downpipe, don't worry." Brian answered while nodding.

"Are you serious?" Jen asked in disbelief. "You could have used the ladder that it's at the rear left side of the house..." She commented amused and both Brian and you parted your lips and raised your eyebrows.

"Well... We were feeling adventurous... And to climb the ladder? That's such an ordinary thing to do, if you know what I mean." Brian responded and you looked at him frowning.

"Did you know there was a ladder?" You asked in a whisper.

"Of course I didn't know. Do you really think I'd have climbed the downpipe, losing my dignity in front of you for looking like a monkey, if there was a ladder?" He responded in a whisper and you burst out laughing, shaking your head. "Besides, it was kind of disturbing seeing you climbing that downpipe... You totally looked like a squirrel monkey." He joked and you nudged him playfully.

"Shut up, orangutan." You mocked, sticking out your tongue as he chortled loudly.

"Alright, I want you out of my rooftop now, or I'll call the police, informing that two insane people are causing unrest!" Jen shouted with her phone in hand.

"How rude!" You laughed out loud.

Brian looked at you with a joyful smile, took you by the waist and pulled you to him to help you walk across the rooftop to get to where the ladder was. He was the first one to descend the ladder, and he stood next to it to hold it firmly because you had vertigo and you were always a bit scared of ladders because they were not so firm. Before descending the ladder, you saw how Brian was looking up at you with an encouraging smile; so that was all it took for you to forget about the vertigo and your silly fears. Before you could touch the ground, he took you by the waist and held you in his arms as you enfolded your arms around his neck. Jen couldn't look at you from where she was, because you were at the other side of the house; so you buried your hands on the back of his head to pull him into a very fervent kiss, right in the way you wanted to kiss him since you woke up. He got surprised at this; therefore, he almost let you fall, but seconds later, he held you tighter and walked to the wall to push you against it and that way be able to bear your weight and kiss you back fervently at the same time. You shivered when your back hit the cold wall, but you didn't care. Brian placed his hands on the back of your thighs and enfolded your legs around his waist, that way he made sure he wouldn't let you fall and you felt more comfortable to begin to rub his back with one hand and slid your other hand on his hipbone, underneath his shirt. He moaned a little in between the kiss and he tried to stop you, but, instead, you nibbled his lower lip before kissing him almost lustfully, not letting him part... You missed kissing him this way, and now that you were having deeper feelings for him, it felt like million times better. It was when you unbuttoned his jeans and slid your fingers underneath the waistband of his jeans that he thrust his hips forward, grinding his hardness against your hip as you let out a deep growl and tightened your hold on his shoulders. You and Brian started grinding against the other in earnest, frantic movements that quickly had you lost in a blissful daze. You were so caught up in the feel of warm muscles and soft smooth skin that you needed to let out this wild pressure out of you, so you extended one arm and hit the window near you with the palm of your hand as you let out a louder moan, increased when he sucked your neck. This was until someone opened that window, making you and Brian stop abruptly to look at that direction.

"Oh, fuck you! It's 7 in the morning and you are outside about to have sex? Fuck you, let people sleep." Mandy complained, popping her head out the window, looking at you and Brian with a frown.

Brian, slowly, let you on the ground and you combed your hair with your fingers as Brian buttoned his jeans, both of you feeling awkward and playing dumb, looking away and blushing a little. Then Joey popped his head out the window and looked at the two of you with a mischievous smirk.

"Good way to cope with the cold, you guys." He scoffed, winking at you two. Then he looked sensually at your sister. "Hey, babe, why don't we check if that is an effective method?" He winked and Mandy's eyes darkened in lust.

"Oh, we could try it." She responded, biting her lips. Brian and you looked away, evidently uncomfortable. "And you, suckers!" She pointed at you two. "You better get a room... Or go somewhere else to have sex. I don't want to hear your moans."

That was the last thing she said before she closed the window and closed the curtains. After that, you and he kept looking away, in a very awkward silence. It didn't feel awkward to be with him, it was just the awkwardness of being caught in middle of the action; or perhaps you were just feeling a bit annoyed because you were interrupted and you didn't want to stop what you were doing with him. After a while, he let out a sigh and held your hand, so you finally looked at him.

"I'm sorry, baby girl... I got carried away." He apologized and you tilted your head and puckered your brows.

"Why would you be sorry? I liked it... It was hot." You winked seductively, intertwining your fingers with his; but he sighed and looked down, shaking his head.

"Yeah, but this all was supposed to be a cute and romantic moment... And I blew it." He whispered in frustration. You smiled slightly and cupped his cheek with your free hand, making him look into your eyes.

"It was super cute, and romantic... And also hot. So, I guess it was perfect." You told him, brushing your thumb across his cheek before pecking his lips. "You know? This is one of the best surprises you gave me. You made me feel really loved; and I hope I made you feel the same." You added with a sweet grin as his cheeks dimpled, and the corners of his eyes wrinkled.

"You got it." He replied, placing his free hand on your jaw to kiss your lips very affectionately. When he parted, he let out your hand to wrap an arm around your waist and pull you to his side. "How about we have breakfast now, beautiful girl?"

"I'd love it, beautiful boy." You chuckled, wrapping an arm around him, sliding your hand in the back pocket of his jeans.

You walked like this to the entrance of the house, slowly, with no hustle, just enjoying the morning air and the morning sun. And you felt happy for real, not the kind of fake or fleeting happiness. You glanced at him and saw his radiant face, and you knew he was the cause of your happiness; and this only could mean that you were undoubtedly falling in love with him. You stood on tiptoe while walking to give him a kiss on the corner of his lips and he looked at you with a curious grin; he would never know what that kiss was for, but you did and you'd explain him it later, not with words because words weren't enough; so, in the afternoon you'd be the one giving him a surprise. You entered the house and the only person who was awake was George, who was reading the newspaper while drinking a tea; you looked further and saw Jen in the kitchen, making coffee. Brian let out your waist to walk quickly toward his dad and give him a clinch from behind, making him jump because he was too concentrated reading. George laughed when he saw his son and Brian kissed his cheek in a noisy way. You smiled at that, thinking it was really good the way Brian has been acting ever since he told his dad the truth about his condition; he was taking it in the best way and, finally, he was enjoying his time with his dad with no worries.

"Good morning, daddy. Oh! Biscuit!" Brian exclaimed, stealing his dad one of the biscuits his dad was eating.

"Do you always have to steal my food?" George questioned, frowning, trying to hide his amusement.

"Yeah, that's what dads are for, right?" Brian answered with his mouthful. George crossed his arms above his chest, narrowed his eyes and looked at Brian through his glasses as Brian was stealing him another biscuit.

"So you consider me as your father because I let you steal my food." George stated and Brian grinned and kissed his cheek.

"Exactly. You're the best, daddy." He joked and George frowned. "Also, because of the love and all..." Brian added with an amused smile and his dad laughed, shaking his head. Then Brian took his dad's cup of tea and sipped it, wincing in disgust. "This is gross, dad!"

"No, that's a sign that you have to stop stealing your father's breakfast." George replied, looking fixedly at his son with an amused smirk and you tittered. "You see the color of that tea? It's because actually it is not a yellow tea..." George said as though it was a secret, winking at his son when he saw the yellow tea. Brian winced in disgust, looking at his dad horrified.

"Oh my god, dad! That's super gross! It's not even a funny joke!" He snapped and you chuckled again.

"That will teach you not to love me only because I let you steal my food. I guess it worked." His dad answered while giggling.

"I do not agree with your methods, dad!" Brian exclaimed while frowning and then he leaned to kiss his dad's temple. "I'll make my own breakfast, terrible, totally terrible dad!" He announced in a jokingly way and his dad chortled again. Then Brian looked up at you. "You want a tea, baby girl?" He asked and George looked at you with a kind grin, noticing that you were there, too.

"I want a coffee... But I'm not allowed to drink coffee, so I'll go with a tea." You responded with a soft chuckle.

"I'll make sure to make you the best tea ever, so you won't even miss the coffee." Brian winked and turned around to head to the kitchen.

"Alright, but not yellow tea, please!" You shouted and you heard Brian's boisterous laugh before he entered the kitchen and joined Jen.

You walked toward George and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a warm hug as he kissed your forehead, before telling him good morning. You sat next to him and he offered you one of his biscuits that you accepted.

"So... I had a quite unusual morning experience." George voiced with an amused smile and you looked at him curiously. "This morning I woke up very early in the morning, because it's my routine to read a book as soon as I wake up before coming here to have breakfast. But before reading the book, I always go to the bathroom to do the routine activities everybody does in the morning. And when I went to the bathroom and I was quietly washing my face, I saw a shadow outside through the window. I felt a bit scared, thinking it could be a thief. I carefully walked to the window, with my phone in hand, to check if it was a thief to call the police, or if it was just some nocturnal animal." George commented mysteriously as you were very entertained listening to his experience. "The window was fogged, so I cleaned it with the sleeve of my sweater... And I could see what the shadow was. It was a human figure that was climbing a downpipe... It really looked like it was you, but that's a ridiculous idea... Why on earth would you climb a downpipe? Maybe it is a side effect of my medicine to have hallucinations." George finished saying, grinning mischievously and looking intently at you while sipping his tea as you parted your lips and raised your eyebrows in amazement. You never thought he would say something like that and you never imagined he could have seen you.

"Yeah..." You whispered, once that after the amazement you felt amused. "Why on earth would I climb a downpipe because your completely adorable son forced me to do it when there was a ladder at the other side of the house, just to be on the rooftop because your son wanted to surprise me with one of the most breathtaking sunrises I've ever seen just to do something he knows I adore to make of it one of the most romantic moments of my life? It's definitely the side effect of your medicine, George. That's absurd." You responded very amused as he chuckled and nodded, looking deeply into your eyes in a cheerful way.

"Yes, it's definitely the side effect of my medicine... I'm pretty sure it was actually a monkey what I saw." He joked and you frowned and chortled.

"You and your son have the same sense of humor. Like father, like son." You commented while shaking your head.

"He learned from the best." He boasted himself in a jokingly way. "Not only the sense of humor, but also the adorableness; however, he'll never be as good as me." He joked and you giggled.

"You shouldn't be so sure, George... In private, your son is the most adorable, romantic and sweetest man. You know what they say; sometimes the descendants are the improved version of predecessors." You replied, biting your lips and raising your eyebrows.

"I feel offended and flattered at the same time. Is that possible?" He asked while frowning and you sniggered. "I guess this is how a proud father feels. I mean, there's nothing more gratifying, nor a better reason to feel proud, for a father to see how his child has outdone him." He added and you smiled sweetly at him.

"You've done a good job, George. Thank you for having him." You replied with mellow voice, leaning to kiss his cheek as a smile crossed his lips.

"Yes, he is a good boy, I can't complain." He said while looking at the cup of tea with a slight smile on his face. Then he looked at you with his pale blue eyes. "Sweetie, are you happy with him? I mean, happy to be his girlfriend?" He asked curiously and it was a serious question, so you frowned.

"Yes, I am happy to be his girlfriend. Why are you asking that?" You questioned, looking fixedly at him. "Is it because of the song? Or because Brian told you that he perceives I'm not happy with him?"

"No, sweetie; they're only delusions of an old man." He answered with a short giggle, shifting his gaze; but you remained looking at him.

"Do I look unhappy?" You asked in a whisper and he looked into your eyes for a while, absolutely silent.

"No, you don't look unhappy, but you don't look as happy as you could be, either. Maybe you're happy to be with him, but you can't be as happy as you can be because there's something that doesn't allow you so when you're with him in your current relationship." He replied with honesty.

"What is that supposed to mean?" You asked confused and he gave you a half-smile. "I love your son, George."

"I know you do; and he's very lucky to have you." He answered gently, squeezing one of your hands. "But love sometimes has crazy ways and sometimes makes us believe that we're in love with someone when in fact we just love them in other way." He added and you looked down and felt a bit distressed.

"What are you trying to say, George? That I'm not in love with your son? Or that he's not in love with me?" You asked and then you looked up at him with sad eyes.

"There's no doubt my son is in love with you; and he has been in love with you since years." He responded with his pale blue eyes fixed on yours. "But it is your heart the one that belongs to someone else, isn't it like that, sweetie?" He questioned, but it didn't sound like a reproach, it sounded gentle. You looked down and pursed your lips, feeling guilty for that, not wanting to admit it.

"No..." Suddenly you whispered, looking at your lap, frowning slightly. "It used to belong to someone else, not long ago if I have to be honest. But a few days ago began the process of belonging to your son."

"It began its process naturally or you forced it, sweetheart?" He asked and you looked at him abruptly, puckering your brows and pursing you lips. Why would he ask that? You didn't like that question. He noticed, because he took one of your hands very gently. "I'm not intending to remonstrate you something or tell you that you and my son shouldn't be together. That's not what I'm doing, sweetie." He asserted with a squeeze of your hand. He sounded sincere, so you felt less offended. "I'm just trying to make you see that you can love someone way too much, but sometimes that someone isn't the right one for you; not because they aren't good enough for you or because they aren't worth your love, but because that person isn't the love of your life. It happens too often and you wish you could fall in love with them, because you know that they are all you've dreamed of; yet the feeling of being in love seems to never come, because sometimes what you've always dreamed of is not what you truly need to be happy." He stated with mild voice, looking deeply into your eyes that were looking anywhere but at him.

"Are you trying to say that Brian isn't the love of my life?" You asked with your gaze lost, and your voice sounded muffled.

"If he was, you'd know it. Do you know if he is?" He questioned with his gaze steady on you.

"I want him to be." You frowned.

"You want. But he isn't, is he?" He observed almost as a statement. You pouted and felt a bit afflicted. But then you frowned slightly and opened your mouth just a crack, deep in thought.

"But..." You began to speak and finally got out of your thoughtful state of mind to look into his eyes. "Perhaps the love of your life is not someone you happen to find, as it happens in movies, books or fairy tales... Perhaps in real life you have to work on it in order to be well deserving of it... Two people who meet, work on a relationship every day, and they become the love of their lives." You expounded, thinking it made perfect sense.

"Perhaps..." He frowned while nodding slowly, looking at his cup of tea and cupping his chin with one hand. Then he looked at you straight in the eye. "But in your case, I think you've already found the love of your life, and I'm not talking about my son." He added. You knew he was talking about Darren.

"It can change, George." You refuted, frowning and piercing his eyes with yours.

"Yes, it can change what you think, but never what you feel." He adverted and you pursed your lips in displeasure.

"So what? Are you trying to say that being with your son is a complete waste of time?" You questioned and it sounded a bit harsh, as though you were annoyed when in fact you were confused and hurt.

"No, I'm not saying that." He quickly answered, shaking his head. "It's an experience; and I'm pretty sure it's a beautiful experience because you love each other; you've experienced a lot of lovely, sweet, and also passionate moments; and you'll always keep all of those moments in your mind and heart. And as every experience in life, it teaches you something, it changes you and it makes you grow both personally and emotionally; therefore, it'd never be a waste of time." He affirmed as you were glancing at him, listening very intently to what he was saying. "But it'll come a point when you are gonna realize that the experience has come to an end. That doesn't mean that you're gonna forget each other or the experience, it means that it is time to start a new experience. It doesn't necessarily involve a separation, sometimes it means being together but just as friends. It doesn't mean you stopped loving each other, it means that you still do, so that you want to do the best for each other." He added with a kind smile, squeezing your hand. You parted your lips and looked down. You couldn't understand why you were having this kind of conversation. "If I'm telling you this, it's because I think this is something you haven't taken into consideration, and I want you to be prepared for that moment, either if it's you the one who puts an end to your current relationship or if it's my son the one who does that. You need to be prepared, sweetie." George whispered softly before kissing your temple. You were stunned. What did it even mean?

"Do you know something I don't?" You asked in suspicion, looking deeply into his eyes. "Brian asked you to tell me this, perhaps because he wants to put an end to our relationship and he doesn't want to hurt me?"

"No, sweetie. My son hasn't told me anything." He assured and you believed him because you saw honesty in his eyes. "But when you're old and you've experienced a lot of things, you realize when something is about to change." He added with a sad half-smile and you felt profoundly anguished.

You could feel tears pricking your eyes. You didn't want anything to change; not now when you were starting to have deeper feelings for Brian, when you thought you were starting to fall in love with him, when you were feeling truly happy. You didn't want it to change like Darren and February's relationship changed all of a sudden when he less expected. You didn't want Brian to leave, if that was what George meant. Apparently a tear rolled down your cheek and it went unnoticed for you, because George brushed his thumb on your cheek and that was when you realized that it was a tear that he wiped away. He wrapped an arm around you and you rested your head on his shoulder as he rubbed your arm to reassure you.

"Your son is one of the best things that have happened to me, George." Your voice came out with a strangled whimper.

"I know, sweetie. And you're the best thing that has happened to him." He whispered before kissing your temple.

"I don't want our relationship to be over." You confessed in a whisper, fighting to hold back the tears.

"Sometimes a relationship has to come to an end; but some things, like memories and love, are eternal, they never end. Sometimes the only choice you have is to let go; but you can choose to let go a person or to let go only a certain kind of relationship. It'll be up to you, sweetie." He said encouragingly and you parted to look at him deeply into his eyes, amazed.

He stroked your hair and you gave him a kind smile. He was right. You didn't want to think about it, though; the least you wanted was to let go... But in case that came to happen, it'd be up to you to let go only your loving relationship, not to let Brian go. Because maybe you weren't completely sure if this loving relationship with Brian would work, but you were extremely sure that you needed Brian in your life, because you loved him, regardless what kind of love that was.

"Just enjoy the present and don't worry about the future, would you?" He smiled.

"Yes." You replied before giving him a clinch, trying to show him your gratitude.

"Here you go, baby girl." You suddenly heard Brian's voice and you parted from the hug to look at him when he placed a cup of tea in front of you. He looked at you and smiled widely. "This is the best tea you'll ever drink. You know why? Because it's cinnamon tea and you love cinnamon... And more when it's accompanied with delicious chocolate bars..." He added, wagging his eyebrows, placing two chocolate bars next to the cup of tea. You couldn't help smiling brightly.

"Oh, you really do know me very well." You commented joyfully, letting out a giggle.

"Yeah, I really do know you very well." He asserted, nuzzling your nose with his before he gave you a small kiss on the forehead.

He attempted to move away to sit next to you, but you placed your hands firmly on his cheeks and pulled his face closer to yours to give him an intense kiss, not as fierce as the one you gave him outside, but it was fervent anyway. He was stunned, but then he cupped your chin with his hand and lifted your head a bit to make his lips fit perfectly with yours and be able to kiss you back in that way that could take your breath away. After a while you decreased the intensity of the kiss, brushed your lips with his and parted to find him looking at you with the famous twinkle in his green eyes and a curious smile.

"What was that for?" He asked intrigued.

"It was a thank you." You responded with a bright grin as he chuckled softly and narrowed his eyes to look at you mischievously.

"Hmm, I think I'll start bringing you cinnamon teas and chocolate bars more often." He said with husky voice and you laughed out loud as he gave you a buss on the cheek before sitting next to you. "Sorry for having to have seen that, dad... But there's no way I could have rejected that kiss."

"You know, son? Although you may not believe it, I was your age years ago." George answered quietly, sipping his tea. "Actually, that kiss was a bit boring." He added and you noticed an amused smirk on his face, so you knew he was about to joke and poke fun at his son, in a playful way. "I remember my kisses at your age where more fervent, just not to use the word wild and lustful, you know? The kind of inviting and provocative kisses; once I started, no one would stop me; and girls would beg me for more..."

"Alright! I don't wanna know about your adventures when you were young. It's kind of disturbing, you know?" Brian interrupted his dad and you bit your tongue not to laugh loudly; however, you let out a chuckle.

"And it always ended with the two of us touching in a way that..." George kept joking, evidently to tease his son.

"Dad!" Brian snapped loudly, looking at his dad with eyes wide open, lips parted and frowning. "Geez, stop it."

"I was actually pretty interested in the story your dad was telling, Brian." Jen suddenly entered the dining room with a mug of coffee and pancakes, letting out a titter. Brian shot her a withering look. "I bet you were a lady killer, George."

"Oh yeah, I was..." He answered, glancing at his son very amused.

"And you still are, George, look at you! I think I wanna keep hearing your story, too." You joked, winking at George in conspiracy to tease Brian.

"Oh, really?" Brian asked in disbelief, looking fixedly at you.

"Ah!" Brian's dad exclaimed loudly, looking behind you two. You turned your face to find Joey and Mandy holding hands, their hair wet, and with that particular smile everybody has after having sexual intercourse. "Nothing better than a morning shower, right?"

"Oh, trust me, George... There's nothing better than that." Joey winked and then pecked Mandy's lips.

"Oh, yeah, I know... When I was young I used to have a lot of those morning showers... Always accompanied with a lady..." George began to joke again so all of you laughed out loud, except Brian.

"Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?" He asked incredulous, interrupting his dad. "It's really awkward to hear you talking about your... sexual adventures or whatever."

"Oh, speaking of sexual adventures..." Mandy suddenly smirked naughtily, looking fixedly at Brian, totally getting that you all were teasing him. Oh, here we go... "How was it to have sex earlier with my sister, outside, against the wall? You must have been really aroused to have got a hard-on with that cold." She smirked, provocatively raising an eyebrow. Brian blushed hard and dropped his jaw.

"I... I would really appreciate if you don't speak about that in front of my dad, Amanda." Brian demanded with trembling voice, still blushing.

"So! Was it you and Freckles the ones that were banging the walls? You woke us up!" Chuck suddenly exclaimed loudly, entering the dining room with Lucy, both of them smiling amused.

"Oh my god." Brian huffed out of shame, running a hand over his face.

"Hey, guys! Stop making Brian feel bad." You suddenly commented, stroking his hair as he looked at you.

"Thanks, baby girl." He smiled grateful.

"Yes, it is not nice, guys. Poor Brian, it was really cold and he couldn't make his hardness last." You teased and Brian frowned and looked at you agape as everybody else laughed.

"Oh, what?" He asked in disbelief. "I hate you." He huffed and frowned, crossing his arms above his chest and looking away.

"Ah! You're the best person to tease, hottie. You take everything to heart." Mandy mocked.

And like that the morning started, everybody was in a really good mood. Well, except Darren who didn't show up during all morning long. Nobody dared to make him leave the bedroom, though; everybody knew he needed time to be alone because he felt really bad when February left last night. He didn't show up for lunch, either. When everybody decided to take a nap after lunch and Brian took his dad out for a father-son hang out, you decided to walk to Darren's bedroom to check how he was. You didn't knock, though; instead, you brought a notebook and a pen and you sat in front of the door of his bedroom.

"How are you feeling, Darebear?"

You wrote on the paper and the slipped it under the crack in the door. You knew he wouldn't like anybody seeing him right now, because he surely had puffy eyes and dark circles owing to the crying; so this was a genius idea. You waited for a couple of minutes until you saw a paper sliding under the crack in the door. You grinned slightly and took the paper.

"I'm fine, Freckles. I just don't wanna leave the bedroom today. But I'm fine."

You smiled sadly at it, even if it wasn't the kind of terrible response you expected to get. You replied at him.

"Would chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate give me permission to come in? We can get fat to drown your sorrows. I promise it's an effective method, if not, you'll have my shoulder."

You slipped the note and you waited patiently for his answer. Instead, the door was opened a crack. You looked up and Darren poked out his head, just a little. You stood up and showed him the chocolate chip cookies and the hot chocolate. He grinned faintly. Geez, he looked terrible, worse than expected.

"You're so sweet." Darren whispered with throaty voice. "But I... I really don't feel like talking."

"It's okay... We can just lie down and eat cookies." You responded with a friendly smile, shrugging. He, again, grinned faintly; but then he looked down. "Or... I can just leave you this bowl of cookies and this mug of hot chocolate. That way you will be alone, but at least you may be fed." You added when you noticed he definitely didn't want to be in company. He looked at you with his puffy hazel eyes and grinned.

"Thank you for knowing me." He responded, his voice still throaty.

"You got it, Darebear." You smiled sweetly and kissed his cheek before giving him the cookies and hot chocolate. "If you need someone... Just... Call me. Okay?" You asked, taking his free hand in yours.

"Okay, promise. Thank you, Freckles, for doing this." He answered, squeezing your hand. "Maybe I'll join dinner." He said and you smiled and nodded before he let out your hand.

He gave you one last smile before he closed the door. You stayed a little bit longer standing behind his door, feeling a bit sad for him. You could understand him, though; he loved February despite everything, and you'd feel the same than him if Brian ever decided to leave you. You sighed and then you went to your own bedroom. You didn't want to take a nap; you wanted to think about a surprise for Brian. You thought about taking him out, maybe you could do something like he did; only that instead of sunrise, it'd be sunset, and instead of asking him to paint, it'd be something he loves, like writing something for you. You'd love to have a poem by him about the sunset and your presence next to him and you were sure he'd love to write it. You could take him to the Brooklyn Heights Promenade to watch the sunset, in the place where Brian and you were in your first date when he gave you the Tiffany bracelet that belonged to his mother; that was such a special moment, it may as well be the special place to go. Maybe you could give him something special, it wouldn't be as special as it was that bracelet, considering the story and meaning of that bracelet; but it had to be special. And you knew what it could be: the necklace with a silver heart pendant that you used to wear every day. Your father gave you that pendant when you turned 16; it was the only thing you had of him, the last thing he gave before he kicked you out and never appeared again. It was very special for you, so Brian could have it; you knew it'd be safe with him. After you planned everything, you took a shower and got dressed for this date, making a big effort to look beautiful for him. When you were applying lipstick, you heard Brian's voice coming from the hallway.

"Today, Jen. Today is gonna be the day I'll do it."

He seemed to be a bit upset, but also nervous. You frowned in confusion, not sure about what he tried to tell Jen. You walked to the door and rested one side of your face against it, to try to hear what Jen and Brian were talking about; but they didn't say anything else. Instead, you heard steps coming closer to the bedroom, until someone knocked the door.

"Are you here, baby girl?" Brian's voice asked from the other side of the door. You quickly and sneakily walked to the dressing table and sat on the chair to pretend to be applying the lipstick.

"Yes, I'm here, Bri!" You responded and after that the door was opened.

"Whoa! Someone looks gorgeous." Brian commented with a wide smile.

He walked towards you were and stood behind you, placing his hands on your shoulders and bending to look at you through the mirror before he planted a kiss on your cheek. You giggled softly and placed one hand above his.

"I wanted to look pretty for you." You responded, turning your face to look at him. His green eyes twinkled at the same moment his teeth shone bright.

"You are pretty for me every second of every day." He responded sweetly before kissing your forehead. "But is there any specific reason why are you dressed so elegant?" He asked curiously.

"I have plans." You answered mysteriously.

"You have plans." He questioned intrigued, narrowing his eyes with an amused grin. "And am I supposed to let you go alone, dressed like that?"

"No." You shook you head. "You're going out with me." You responded excited, clapping with a goofy grin. Brian smiled slightly and, oddly enough, he didn't seem so excited. "We're going on a date, Bri!" You exclaimed enthusiastically, standing up to look for your purse as Brian stood upright and remained still, looking down and biting his lips with the hint of that smile that seconds ago was on his face. "Come on, get ready! I have awesome plans!" You kept saying excited as you were stuffing some things into your purse. "Everything will be a surprise!" You squealed excited as you, sneakily, put a notebook and a pen into the purse. "I'm sure you're gonna love it!" You giggled, walking to the other side of the bedroom to put on a coat. "It'll be a very special moment only between my adorable boyfriend and me." You grinned broadly with all your teeth, walking again to the dressing table to grab your perfume. "And I'll try to make this surprise as romantic and sweet as yours." You said while taking a last look in the mirror.

And you saw Brian through the mirror. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans; he was looking down and pursing his lips with a distressed face. You frowned slightly in confusion. Did you say something wrong? You walked towards him and gave him one wide smile.

"Come on, Bri! It'll be something nice! Get ready!" You requested energetically, trying to make him feel excited. You turned around to look for your scarf and beanie. "I promise we'll have a good time. It's pretty exciting to be just the two of us!" You exclaimed trying to sound as enthusiastic and avid as possible. "We will do a lot of things and..." You kept saying while putting on the beanie. And that was the moment when you felt Brian's hands on your shoulders, squeezing them softly, making you shut up.

"Sunny..." His whisper came from behind you and it sounded dim. He called you Sunny instead of baby girl. You could no longer play dumb but you didn't want to look at him either; hence, you looked at your boots. "Let's sit." He requested softly.

He made you turn around and walked you to the bed. You didn't resist. He made you sit on the edge of the bed and he brought the chair of the dressing table to place it in front of you and sit there. He clasped his hands together above his knees and looked deeply into your eyes, in that sad way.

"I wanna talk to you." He whispered with stifled voice, but it echoed in the room. Judging by the way he was talking, you knew he didn't want to tell you something precisely nice, so you lowered your gaze and gulped.

"Well..." You suddenly said, forcing a bright smile, looking up at him. "We can talk about anything in our date! Come on, we should go!" You exclaimed and attempted to stand up, but he placed his hands firmly on your shoulders and made you remain sitting.

"No, Sunny... We have to talk here." He replied with his sad green eyes looking intensely into yours.

"Okay." Your voice trembled as your heart began to beat faster due to your nervousness.

"I wrote you a letter." He uttered and you looked at him through your lashes to see on his face one sweet smile. "And I want you to read it now." He added, pulling out a paper from the backpack that was next to the chair. "I really mean everything I wrote." He handed you the paper and you received it. He gave you an affectionate smile before you drifted your gaze to the letter. And you began to read it, now feeling less nervous because of the tender way he looked at you.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never actually shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting, or laugh with you when you make a fool out of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather, they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy, or competition, but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song, or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid; it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where, before, it was infrequent, or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day always helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind, or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soulmate who will remain loyal until the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. However, sometimes, that special person in your life isn't meant to be next to you the way you've always yearned for. This doesn't make them be less special, nor does it mean you're not special to them. It just means that you will always be special to each other and you will always love each other, but that love needs to be directed in other way. It means letting go, not going different ways and growing apart, just letting go. Letting go doesn't mean giving up. Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. It means accepting things that weren't meant to be. There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone, trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. You got to do what's right for you, for the two of you, even if it hurts. I've come to realize in the end, everyone turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become. I became the person who forces someone to stay, someone who needs to be free and who doesn't belong with me; and you became the person who is satisfied with half happiness, torn, halved. And we've fought and suffered so much that we deserve something full, intense, and indestructible. I love you with all my being, and I know you love me, too; that's why we deserve a better chance. We can still be for each other the people you find only once in your life who can completely turn your world around, but not as a couple, just as friends, best friends. That's why I made the decision to let you go."

You finished reading the letter, feeling how your surroundings were becoming blurred as you were immersing into a darkness so sweet that was making you feel as though everything was falling apart in slow-motion with each beat of your heart in which you were getting all that was happening. You noticed how Brian stood up and walked to the desk in the bedroom, but you didn't look up, you kept staring the last sentence of the letter: 'That's why I made the decision to let you go', a sentence that was echoing at the back of your head. When you finally took the courage to look up, a sharp pain in the chest made you start breathing with difficulty. Brian was not looking at you, he was just with his gaze lost; he only pressed the play button of the music player. A song started playing and you looked at your lap.

Close your eyes and just hear me sing

One last long goodbye

One last song before you spread your wings

There's so much left to say

And before this moment slips away

What a wonderful life

For as long as you've been at my side

And I want you to know

I loved you so

The cold night calls

And the tears fall like rain

It's so hard letting go

Of the one thing I'll never replace

And soon you will be gone

But these words, they will live on

What a wonderful life

For as long as you've been at my side

And I want you to know

I'll miss you so

And though our days come to an end

No, I'll never love like this again

What a wonderful life

My friend

And all that I am you let me be

I will remember you

For all that you've done

And given to me

Love will remain

This I can see

Now and forever more

Because of you now I believe

I believe

What a wonderful life

For as long as you've been at my side

And I want you know

I loved you so

What a wonderful life

For as long as you've been at my side

And I want you to know

I'll miss you so

And though our days come to an end

No, I'll never love like this again

What a wonderful life

A wonderful life

What a wonderful life

A wonderful life

And with one last embrace

As the tears fall like rain you're gone

And with one last goodbye

As you fade out tonight you're gone.

The song finished and you were looking at your hands that were shaking, holding firmly Brian's letter that was ruined with the tears that began to fall down your eyes in complete silence. You could feel your chest aching and your heart breaking. You still couldn't believe he was doing this. You looked up and through your blurred vision you could see Brian, who was now looking at you, with tears in his own eyes, but not shedding them. When he walked towards you and sat in the chair in front of you again, you could see his green eyes and when you did, you realized that this was indeed happening, that he was indeed leaving. You looked down again and closed your eyes, as your lips began to quiver and more warm tears streamed down your cheeks. You sensed how Brian took the letter you were grasping, and put it aside to hold both of your hands.

"I love you." He said softly, brushing his thumbs across your hands.

You let out a muffled wail and puckered your brows, your eyes still shut and your head pointing downwards. For the very first time, his 'I love you' felt like a stab that made its way to the depths of your heart. You never thought that his I love you's would hurt you this much; you actually never thought that the term 'I love you' could hurt instead of bringing you joy.

"I love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely." He added and you bit your quivering lips, slowly shaking your head. "I want you in ways that I know you would find shocking." He kept saying and you sensed how he moved his face closer to yours.

He let out one of your hands and cupped your chin with his hand to lift your head. You finally opened your teary eyes and the first thing you saw were his bright, distressed green eyes. The left corner of his lips rose faintly when he got to see your eyes. He brushed your chin with his thumb and kissed your tears away before returning his gaze to your eyes.

"Baby girl, you don't belong with a man like me. In the past I've done things you wouldn't approve of, and I've done them ten times over. I have led a life of immoderate sin. As it turns out, I'm just as immoderate in love. Worse, in fact." He said, his eyes piercing yours.

You frowned in disturbance, more like in disbelief, trying to understand what on earth he was trying to say and why he was saying something like this. Even before you were his girlfriend you knew the way he was and how his past was; and yes, he had a hard past, also perhaps a dark past in certain areas, but it was his past and you knew what kind of person he was now, he was the most adorable person you've ever known and he wasn't pretending; he was not immoderate in love, he was one of the most lovely, selfless, caring, and sweet guys when it came to love. He was just trying to find excuses to justify what he was doing.

"I love you, and I want you to be happy, I want you to have the life you deserve; and that's not gonna happen for as long as you stay with a man like me." He added and your tears stopped to look at him incredulous.

"A man like you? Why are you saying something like that? I know you; I know who you are, how you are... How can you tell me you're immoderate in love and all the things you said about yourself? You're anything but." You finally spoke and your voice sounded croaky and rough. He looked down; he knew you noticed he was just trying to find excuses. "And what is that whole crap that I don't belong with a man like you? What are you even trying to say?" You asked in confusion, skeptical. He bit his lips. "Why are you doing this, Brian?" You questioned and he just exhaled and inhaled very slowly. "Tell me the truth… Is this all because I cheated on you?" You asked, this time with brittle voice as your eyes began to glisten with tears.

"No, it's not because of the cheating." He ensured, puckering his brows and looking at you again.

"Then, why is it? Is it because of Darren?" You asked a bit exasperated owing to the effort you were making to try to understand him. He looked at his lap and rubbed his knees, apparently uncomfortable and afflicted.

"Partly." He whispered and you tilted your head and narrowed your eyes. "If you didn't love him, probably this never would have happened. But you did love him and you still do. And accepting that love and everything that follows it is part of letting you go." He looked up with sad eyes and you remained looking fixedly at him in silence.

"Why would you do that, Brian? Why would you put Darren in this? Why would Darren influence our relationship and your decision of letting me go?" You asked displeased, not in a harsh or reproachful way, but in a soft way, trying to get a logic explanation. He looked straight in your eye and his green eyes became glazed with tears as an incongruous, faint grin crossed his lips.

"Because… You used to smile a lot, I thought you were very happy. I used to spend my time examining your very peculiar personality, your mouth, your bright and captivating smile." He began to answer and you felt confused by his twisted, contradictory answer that had nothing to do with what you asked. He was looking dreamily into your eyes with a kind smile, until that smile faded and his eyes darkened. "But then, one fine day, I looked up and we stared deeply into each other's eyes; and I knew something had changed, or maybe it was always there but I never wanted to admit it; if anything, I got to decipher your true story. You were not happy. You were just dissembling your true story with a captivating smile, too bad the eyes betray us all." He whispered and lowered his gaze a little bit, with a gloomy grimace. You parted your lips just a crack, then you yourself lowered your gaze, perhaps feeling a bit remorseful. "And that true story is that you'll never be able to love any other than Darren." His guttural voice echoed in the room that was soon filled with an abysmal, awkward silence.

You didn't know what to say, but you knew you didn't want to lie, so you couldn't tell him that was not true, because you didn't even know if that was true or not. You loved Brian, you were sure of it… But you never stopped loving Darren. Perhaps Brian was now saying one big truth about you that you didn't know, or that you didn't want to admit. Therefore, you remained silent until Brian ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh.

"And yes, I'll admit, I am jealous." Brian voiced, his throaty voice breaking the silence. You frowned and glanced at him… This was the first time he admitted to being jealous. He seemed to be upset with himself. "I'm jealous of every minute you spend with him, of every concerned expression you send his way, of every tear shed, of every glance, every touch, and every thought." He spoke with absolute clarity, despite his brittle voice. Your eyes shone with tears to hear this revelation; you never noticed that all of those things could affect him this much, that they could sadden him or make him feel bad. He never showed any kind of sign. "I want to rip him to pieces and purge him from your mind and from your heart. But I can't." He confessed with ragged breathing and muffled, short whimpers. You dropped your mouth and scowled in disturbance. "I can't because he is one of my best friends and you are my everything; therefore, I want to see you happy and the only way is if you are together. And if anything, I would never be able to purge him from you heart, not when he's already too deep down in your heart, he'll always be there." His choked voice was accompanied with a pair of thick tears that raced down his cheeks and dripped into the corner of his lips.

From your unblinking eyes, tears also fell down your cheeks, feeling a sharp pain in your heart owing to the distress that his words and his face caused you. You looked up with your eyes, bit your tongue with your teeth and swallowed deeply to stifle your emotions and prevent yourself from crying. Then you looked at Brian again and you found him wiping his tears away with his knuckles, on the sly. He sniffled, held his breath for a few seconds, and then very slowly released the breath.

"No matter how cleverly we might shelter it; our delicate relationship wasn't going to last forever. We were bound to reach a dead end. That was painfully clear." His voice cracked and his eyes shimmered with tears, yet he held them back. His green eyes met yours again in the very instant that a weak but tender grin spread across his face. "And yes, I think you love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for being in love with another guy. I'm not angry, either. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." His voice broke as he looked away and bit his lips strongly, fighting with the tears that were pricking his eyes. When he got to control his emotions, he turned his gaze back at you and his sorrowful eyes broke your heart. "Because I can see in your eyes that I will no longer be part of your future, just a mere memory. Few years from now, I'll be buried beyond your dreams... in oblivion." He tried to articulate with his strangled voice.

You looked at him stunned, deeply anguished, as he covered his face with one hand and turned his face, so that you wouldn't look at him weeping. However, you could see his silent tears dripping from his wobbling chin. You took his free hand and held it tightly.

"That's not true." You asserted. This was something you could certainly refute to affirm it was not true. "I want you to be part of my future. I will never bury you in oblivion. You're a very important person in my life and I need you to be part of it, how can you possibly think that I'll ever push you away from me?" You asked tormented as he sniffled and tried to wipe his tears away. You took advantage to wrap your arms around his neck. He enfolded his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder. "Don't do this, Brian. Don't let me go. Let's try harder, let's make this work." You tried to utter with strangulated voice. In that very moment, he parted, rubbed his eyes and shook his head.

"No..." He replied, still shaking his head. He looked at you with puffy and reddened eyes, yet there were no more tears. "I'm letting you go and I'm setting you free because you deserve better than this." You pouted as he held both of your hands and, with big effort, he smiled sweetly. "Go, be happy with Darren! If you miss me and I miss you, maybe we might get back together. If, instead, this is the end, thank you for your smiles, your caresses, your hugs, your kisses and your support. For me this wasn't in vain and I thank you and life for allowing us writing this story, with commas, interrogation marks, exclamation marks and even with points, some suspension points and this endpoint."

"You once said that you'd never want to let me go." You said almost provocatively, moving your hands away from his, because you really didn't want him to do this.

"Yeah, that's right." He answered gently, with a sad half-smile. "But then I've come to realization that when you really love someone, you should be willing to set them free. So that is what I am doing. I will step back and you will move on. I will let you go. Your happiness means everything to me. I will listen for your voice in the distance and I will carry your smile with me everywhere, like a warm and comforting glow. Because I loved you, and I love you, even if we're not meant to be." He explained with a slight grin, cupping your cheek with his hand and brushing his thumb across your cheek.

"And what are you gonna do in this life now?" You asked harshly due to the despair you were feeling because of how resolute to do this he was. You turned your face to not let him continue fondling your cheek. This hurt him; however, he gulped and made a big effort to smile fondly at you.

"Well, just like there's always time for pain, there's always time for healing. And so I guess I will wait. I'll wait for time to heal the pain and raise me to my feet once again, so that I can start a new path, my own path, the one that will make me whole again." He responded and you, still looking away, raised your eyebrows in surprise because this was the first time in the conversation that he thought about himself, about his own good, and not only about your own good.

"If you walk out on me, I'm not walking out after you." You threatened, thinking that perhaps this could be the best way to make him change his mind, to make him stay. Honestly, you didn't know what else you could do.

"I know." His green eyes looked deeply into your eyes and a sad half-smile showed you that he was determined. "That's why I'm doing this." He added and your heart broke a little more. Then his firm and comforting arms enfolded around you when you, unable to control it, broke into desolate tears. You sat on his lap, threw your arms around his neck and buried your face in his chest. "Even as I hold you, I'm letting you go, Sunny." He whispered in your ear and you wailed and sobbed on his chest.

He stroked your hair continuously until your sobs and wails stopped, even until the tears dried cold on your cheeks; and then he kissed the top of your head and parted to look at you with a kind smile, rubbing your arms. You knew he wanted to stand up, so you stood up to let him do it. You didn't know what would happen now, but you didn't want him to leave as February did. He walked to the closet and you looked down; you just didn't want to see him packing all of his belongings. You heard how he was stirring his clothes, but you didn't dare to see it with your own eyes, so you kept looking down until you felt he took your hand in his, intertwining his fingers with yours. When you looked up, you noticed he didn't pack anything, he was just looking for a coat; and he was now looking intensely into your eyes, smiling fondly.

"Promise me that in another life we will do everything that in this life we didn't get to do together." He whispered very gently, still smiling fondly at you, his green eyes sparkling. You felt a lump in the throat as tears were welling up in your eyes.

"Is this really the ultimate end for us?" You asked with strangled voice, looking at him in sorrow. He looked steadily into your eyes in silence for a while, his affectionate smile still.

"Yes." He responded in a whisper that sounded like a scream in your ears. You stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, you heard your heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.

"Then I know in another life, my soul will find yours." You found the courage to answer, aware that there was nothing you could do that would change his mind.

He smiled sweetly and nodded slowly, his eyes glinting with tears that didn't leak. You stepped closer to him, still holding his hand firmly, and you stood on tiptoe and closed your eyes before pressing your lips against his to feel their warmth and softness one last time. You opened your eyes just a crack and saw he had his eyes shut; he placed his free hand on your jaw and leaned his head to kiss you back very tenderly, making you close your eyes again. You kissed each other and you could still feel him holding back, you could feel him building his walls up again not to let you in again. It was your penance for what you had done to him; he gave you a full and intense love, and you gave him back the half of yours; perhaps just a third, the other two-thirds always belonged to Darren. And Brian knew this. All you could do was hope the walls would fall and that you could have all of him again, but you were always leaving and he was tired of watching you walk away. You both knew that you couldn't stay and that he couldn't come with you. Therefore, he was letting you go. This time for good, according to him. This time for real. This time permanently. However, that third part of your heart would always belong to Brian; that was why this goodbye was so hard and so doleful for you. You anticipated that the last kiss was coming to its end when he brushed his thumb across your cheek very slowly and turned the kiss into pecks. He brushed your lips with his and nuzzled your nose with his before you and he opened your eyes. His lips curved upwards and his green eyes twinkled before he moved his hand away from your jaw and let out your hand. When he stepped back, you felt as though the warm sensation and the comforting feeling were drawing away as well as a sudden cold took their place. When he turned around and attempted to head to the door, you gasped and succumbed to some sort of desperation and pang; and when your gaze fixed on the dressing table and you saw the Tiffany bracelet he gave you, you felt a twinge in your chest.

"Brian!" You called up before he could leave.

He turned his face and looked at you as you walked towards the dressing table to grab, delicately, the bracelet. You caught a glimpse of it for the last time, your eyes filling with tears. You couldn't keep it, because it was supposed that he should give it to the love of his life, someone who would mean the world to him, his future wife or mother of his children. With a heavy heartache, you walked towards Brian and handed him the bracelet. He looked at it and a slow tear escaped the corner of his eye.

"This no longer belongs to me." You articulated with brittle voice. He frowned and shook his head, bending your fingers to close your hand that was holding the bracelet.

"No, keep it, it'll always belong to you." He replied, his voice also sounding brittle and guttural. "Because even though we're not meant to be, you'll always be the love of my life, Sunny." He beamed lovingly, his eyes still shimmering. You nodded, fighting to hold back your tears because of the thrill and pain.

"Then, I want you to have something of me." You said surefire, taking a deep breath to be able to keep talking. "I was going to give you this today, thinking that I'd take you on a date to watch the sunset... But given the fact that we won't do it, I want to give you this now." You added and he looked at you intrigued. You moved your hands to the nape of your neck to unfasten the necklace clasp. Once he noticed what you wanted to give him, he took you by the wrists.

"No, Sunny... No, don't give me your necklace." He said roundly, moving your hands away from your neck. "It is very important to you."

"And so is this bracelet to you." You replied, looking intently at him.

"But the difference is that you're the love of my life, so you are deserving of this bracelet; and I am not the love of your life, so I don't deserve to have your necklace." He responded gently.

"Who is to say that we find only one true love in our lives?" You questioned and he puckered his brows slightly. "Maybe Darren and I are meant to be, I don't know, maybe he's the love of my life... But you are the love of my life, too, Brian. Perhaps we don't belong with each other as a couple. But I love you so much; and in terms to best friends, you're my true love. And you're the most important friend I have, not only in this moment of my life, but in my entire life. Therefore, you are the love of my life, too." You exposed as he was looking at you with unblinking, shiny eyes from where small tears leaked. This time those were tears of joy, and you became aware of it when a smile full of affection crossed his lips. "Hence, I want you to have my necklace. I know it'll be safe with you and no one will ever be more deserving of it; because lovers come and go, but a friend, like you, always stays." You said, this time absolutely certain of giving it to him. You quickly unfastened the necklace clasp and you handed it to him. "Take it, it's yours now."

"It'll be safer with you." He said, rejecting it, so you frowned. "Trust me. You need to keep that necklace and heart pendant."

"No, I want you to have it. It is yours, Bri." You insisted and he shook his head.

"Not that thing. You have to keep it with you always, you have to wear it always, never take it off of you." He responded.

However, he received it, so you frowned in confusion. When he stood behind you, you understood why he took it. He fastened the necklace back around your neck again. Then he placed his hands on your arms and kissed your right shoulder.

"Promise me that you'll never take it off of you, Sunny." He requested, whispering in your ear.

"I want you to have something from me." You replied sadly.

"I have you as my best friend. That's enough for me." He responded and gave you a small kiss on the temple. He made you turn around and looked at you a bit amused; you couldn't understand why until you lowered your gaze and saw he was holding out his pinky finger. "We broke our pinky promise, so I guess it's time to make it again... Pinky promise that we will always be best friends?" You giggled despite the pain and intertwined your pinky finger with his.

"Pinky promise." You confirmed. He gave you one bright, warm smile before kissing your cheek.

"It's a pinky promise now." He winked and, without saying anything else, he turned around and gave you his back as your eyes, automatically, filled with tears.

You had to be strong; however, you couldn't stop yourself from thinking about all the things that could have happened, while he turned around to leave. When he started walking away it was when you felt all the strength go out of you, and you fell to your knees beside the bed and you allowed yourself to cry; everything inside you screamed for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more. You stayed there, motionless, and waited for him to turn once, to smile, or wave. But he didn't. He just continued walking away from you, while you stayed there watching his silhouette becoming smaller, and smaller with time, until it disappeared completely. He was gone. Your love affair was gone. And gone forever. He went, he ran. And you couldn't bring him back. Yet you left the door wide open, hoping he'd come back and bang on it proclaiming 'I want to be here with you. Always'. You realized that, even if he would always be your best friend, you didn't want to let him go. Wouldn't it be just like giving up? Like admitting that it was really, truly over? You weren't ready for that. You kept waiting for him to return. But there was nothing else to wait. He let you go, finally. You had a hole in you, and everything you took for granted slipped through it like sand.

---

When I finally decided to leave the bedroom, I was determined to join everybody and show them that I was fine, that February's departure hurt me a lot, but she left to give us a better chance. Nonetheless, I heard a conversation coming from Freckles' bedroom and, as the curious dude I was, I walked to the door and pressed my ear against it to hear that conversation. I realized it was not a conversation, it was a song which lyrics were about a wonderful life, letting go, days coming to an end, and one last goodbye. I stayed and heard their entire quiet, distressing conversation, scowling and narrowing my eyes, completely stunned and astonished for what I was hearing. What even was Brian doing? Why was he doing exactly what February did? My head was spinning in confusion, thinking that perhaps February and Brian agreed to do this because of what Freckles and I did to them. The remorseful feeling came over my body again; but I also felt a bit upset. Maybe February made a good decision when she left; but Brian on the other hand... Freckles requested me to stay away because she wanted to be with him, she was sure. Why would Brian do this to Freckles? I could hear Freckles crying. And why was he giving up on Freckles? He loved her. All of this made no sense. I heard steps coming closer to the door of their bedroom, so I quickly sneaked out and hid behind the door of my bedroom. Brian left the bedroom and closed the door. He stood there, holding the doorknob, resting his forehead on the door; through the crack of my door, I saw his silent tears dripping from his wobbling chin. He couldn't hold back a whine, but he made it sound deadened by biting his lips. Then I saw him digging his fingernails into his right thigh, and then he clawed it very strongly. Apparently frustrated because of the fabric of his jeans, he dug his fingernails into his stomach, underneath his shirt, and clawed it even with much more force and pressure. I observed his attitude in disturbance... That wasn't a normal demeanor; perhaps he was just trying to do it to keep his crying silent. After a while, he moved his hand away and I could see blood on his fingers; he cleansed the blood in his jeans, wiped his tears away and took a deep breath. Then he walked away, going straight to the entrance of the house, quietly, not to be seen or heard by others. Sneakily and also quietly, I followed him. Everybody was in the screened porch, so I didn't have to worry about being seen by them. Trying to make as little noise as possible, I opened the front door that Brian closed when he headed out. I saw him sitting on the steps, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his head on his knees. He was shivering and rocking back and forth, but he was not weeping, he was wheezing. I silently sat next to him and turned my face to look at him; he didn't notice my presence until I placed a hand on his back. He jumped and sat upright, turning his head abruptly to look at my direction, apparently startled.

"I heard your conversation with Freckles. I heard everything." I confessed. He frowned slightly, not out of annoyance, but out of bewilderment; and then he turned his face and looked down. "Why would you do something like that, man?" I narrowed my eyes.

"It's best to let her go." He whispered with hoarse voice, his scowl fading away to be replaced by a sad facial expression. This time it was me the one who frowned, and it was out of displeasure.

"No, no, that's wrong. It's never right to give up on someone. It seems like you don't care." I pointed out. He let out a sigh and shook his head; his gaze now lost.

"People have reasons for doing the things that they do, especially when they care about you. You may not always understand what they are, but if you can try to understand the person then you might see that they really care, despite what happened." He responded and I narrowed my eyes in disbelief.

"What does that even mean?" I asked and my voice sounded a bit harsh. I sighed annoyed and looked away, frowning and pursing my lips in discontentment. "I don't understand you, Brian. Your complaints, your drama, your victim mentality, your whining, your blaming, and all of your excuses have never gotten you even a single step closer to your goals or dreams; and all you do is just push people away for these same reasons; and you suffer for that. And, to the degree you insist that you must suffer, you insist on the suffering of others as well. Argh, I don't understand why you do that." I roared in frustration, letting out a huff. I noticed he turned his face to look intently at me, pursing his lips; he didn't seem to be offended or angry for what I said, though.

"Yeah, you're right." He replied softly, nodding slightly. I looked at him surprised by this unexpected response and the way he responded, so calm and mild despite my surliness. "I didn't know that until days ago. That's exactly why I'm doing this now, Darren. I've been burdened with blame trapped in the past for too long, I'm moving on now. And most importantly, I'm letting others move on, too. You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them... but still move on without them. All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. And sometimes, real, honest, complete love requires letting go; because it makes no sense to try to extend a relationship that was only meant to be a season into a lifetime, that just brings suffering. Sometimes letting someone go is the ultimate act of love." He explained and I remained looking deeply into his eyes, frowning, thinking about what he answered and trying to understand it. When I got it, I shook my head.

"You know? Weeks ago, if you had asked me, I'd have told you that if you really loved someone, you'd let them go. But now I see that I've been wrong. If you really love someone, Brian, I think you have to take them back." I stated, this time in a calm way, not harshly, fault-finding.

I was trying to make him see that what he did wasn't something wise. Although I loved Freckles and I wanted to be with her, I wanted him to get her back, perhaps because I was feeling remorseful due to the fact that I knew I was one of the reasons why he let her go. But he looked at me in that calm, dispirited, and also grateful way that I came to the realization that he was determined, he was not gonna change his mind.

"I know. And I tried." He admitted as a sad half-smile showed up onto his face. "It didn't work and I had to let go in order to provide her room for relationships that are conducive to her wellbeing and happiness; and in order to provide myself the same thing; because even if it hurts to admit it, what she and I had was a toxic relationship that was keeping us stuck, that was stifling our happiness and growth; it wasn't intentional, though, but it was like that, because something bigger than us was saying this no longer fitted our life." He explained, his eyes moistened with tears, but still keeping the half-smile. I looked away sadly, feeling discouraged because there was nothing I could do about. It was too late. "And for the same reason I understood what you just told me, I really think you have to take her back. You love her and she loves you; don't let her go, take her back instead." He suggested, placing a hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. I looked abruptly at him, astounded. "You two... You're meant to be. I'm sure of it." He voiced on the verge of tears, biting his lips and nodding. "If there's one favor I'd ask you is that, please, do not let what I've decided to be in vain. Go for her, take her back, start a relationship with her, be happy together. Please, Darren." He added almost in a pleading way.

"But... She loves you, Brian." I whispered weakly, frowning and tilting my head; feeling terrible. This all was so unfair. Why my best friend had to be in love with the same person I was in love with?

"Yes, she loves me. And she is in love with you. There's the difference." He pointed out and I had to look away and bit my lips strongly in order not to shed the tears that were pricking the corner of my eyes. So fucking unfair. He, noticing my silence, patted my back. "Hey, you're my best friend, so I want the best for you, too. And the best for you, buddy, is to be with her." He said with a friendly yet faint smile as I looked at him puzzled, thrilled and distressed... All of those feelings at the same time.

I didn't even know what to say, so I looked piercingly into his eyes instead while, in my thoughts, I was wishing he could get the best for him, too. And the best for him was also Freckles, but it didn't work; the best for him was also his dad, but he'd soon pass away. Then, what? It seemed that I was expressing all of my thoughts with my gaze, because he spoke all of a sudden.

"I've got friends. The best friends I could possibly have." He squeezed my shoulder as I nodded with teary eyes.

There was no better thing I could do than to embrace him to show him he was also one of the best friends I could possibly have. When we parted he gave me a friendly smile and I patted his back; and then his gaze shifted ahead; so I looked ahead as well and I saw Brian's dad looking at us with a slight grin. Brian stood up and walked quickly to his father; once they were close, George clasped his son in his arms and Brian huddled close to his father to look for comfort and reassurance. He buried his head on his father's shoulder and he finally broke into tears, this time not minding to make it sound muffled.

"It was so hard!" Brian let out a high-pitched wail, his voice breathy and strangled. George closed his eyes and held his son tighter, rubbing his back and stroking his hair.

"I know." George responded before kissing the top of his son's head. "But you did the right thing. I'm proud of you, my son."

I remained observing how Brian was crying heartbreakingly and how his dad was doing his best to support him, to comfort and reassure him. It felt gut wrenching. I wished I could find some way to take and bury his pain and sorrow away. I looked down and pursed my lips, feeling bad for Brian, thinking when the hell would be the time for him to get something good in his life that could last. Maybe Brian always knew that his relationship with Freckles wasn't meant to be just as February knew about ours; but I was sure that what incited them to let us go was the kiss between me and Freckles; and in Brian's case, another factor that may have influenced was Jim and his threat of killing basically all of us if he didn't break up with Freckles. I was so disturbed, so distressed, so mad; but above all, so frustrated and powerless. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see who it was. She sat next to me, looked at the direction where Brian and his dad were, and let out a sigh.

"You have something to do with all of this, don't you?" I asked with a frown, looking intently into Jen's eyes. She didn't answer anything. "That's what you and Brian were talking about after Freckles sang that song, right? That thing that Freckles didn't know... Isn't it like that, Jen?" I asked and she looked down with a sad grimace. "You encouraged February and Brian to leave me and Freckles, didn't you?" I narrowed my eyes and she pursed her lips. "Why would you do that, Jen?" I asked distressed; unable to believe that Jen, my best friend and that lovely person, did something like this that hurt the four of us.

"I just helped them, Darren. They asked me if I could help them. They made the decision to let you go, but they needed help to do it without feeling like everything would fall apart, they needed help to find a way to do it and hurt you and themselves as little as possible." She answered softly, still looking down in a sad way. I finally took my eyes off hers and nodded slightly.

"Were they already determined to do this?" I asked with my gaze lost in Brian and his dad.

"Yes." Jen whispered and I nodded again. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Jen." I sighed. "They really wanted to leave us..." I whispered with my gaze lost.

"They didn't want to leave you. You have to understand that isn't what they want to do. They just want to give you and Freckles the chance to be together for they understand you two love each other and they don't want to be the ones who prevent you from being truly happy. They don't want to hurt you; if anything, they want to encourage you to be happy." Jen answered softly and I glanced at her on the sly.

She was looking at Brian with a sweet smile and bright eyes, when his dad was telling him something and he was smiling and nodding. I looked at Jen, then at Brian, and then at Jen again... I frowned and narrowed my eyes in suspicion. And then I became aware of something I couldn't see before.

"Oh..." I exclaimed in astonishment. "Now I understand this... Now I understand why you've done this." I kept saying and I finally looked fixedly into her eyes as she looked at me in confusion, frowning slightly. "You like Brian." I stated and I observed her sharply, trying to notice all of her grimaces. I observed how the frown vanished and she raised her eyebrows, widening her eyes and parting her lips just slightly not to make it too obvious the fact that she got caught.

"Uh... Yeah... Yes, I like him. He's very nice and an extraordinary person... Yeah, he's such a good friend. Of course I like him." Jen babbled, now looking at her lap, twirling a strand of hair around her finger as she used to do whenever she was nervous.

"Alright, Jen... You know me since years, I know you since years... You know what way I meant when I said you like him." I said roundly, raising en eyebrow and looking intently at her. She opened and closed her mouth several times, still looking away and twirling a strand of her hair, until she finally closed her mouth and clenched her jaw. "Oh my god, Jen. Are you attracted to Brian?" I asked in a whisper so that Brian and his dad wouldn't hear us.

"He is... handsome. Everybody can tell that." She shrugged and bit her lips, still looking away.

"Alright, no. Let's cut to the chase. Do you have feelings for Brian, Jen?" I asked bewildered, looking intensely into her eyes that were fluttering everywhere but never in my direction.

"Maybe..." She whispered and I dropped my jaw and raised my eyebrows, looking at her with eyes wide open in puzzlement.

"Oh, fuck, Jen." I exclaimed, without even thinking. She frowned and pursed her lips.

"I don't wanna talk about it, Darren. And whatever I did, I did not do it because... I think he is... he is..." She began to babble and what started as complain out of annoyance, ended up in a whisper out of enchantment.

"He is what?" I narrowed my eyes, very intrigued and expectant to hear her elaborating.

"The most adorable, kindhearted, charming, smart, and handsome guy I've ever met." She sighed with a soft grin, looking at Brian in a dreamy, entranced way; clearly not aware she was saying it out loud.

"Holy, shit, Jen! I can't even... I'm so fucking done." I exclaimed perplexed, raising my eyebrows, agape. "You have a fucking crush on Brian! Since when?"

"I don't know, Darren! Damn. Do you know since when you have a crush on Freckles? No, of course you don't know because it's like... like a process, okay? I... I don't wanna talk about it... Just. Crap, just forget it." She huffed in annoyance, but it was just because she was super uncomfortable.

"Okay..." I whispered and nodded, still in shock. But seconds later a smirk spread across my face. "I think that you two would make a nice couple... Just saying." I winked and chuckled, obviously using the same words she told me in high school when she suspected I was attracted to Freckles. I noticed how she frowned and blushed; but after a while she smiled amused.

"Oh my god. Darren, stop it, okay? Just stop it." She mocked me, responding the same I responded her back in that time, so I giggled.

Then we both looked up right in the direction where Brian and his dad were, only that George was already gone and Brian was looking at us... Well, actually he was looking at Jen with eyes still teary but with a warm smile, his face showing gratitude. I glanced at Jen and I saw how her face, all of a sudden, lit up when Brian smiled at her; so I raised my eyebrows and bit my tongue not to laugh.

"Did you get wet already?" I teased, whispering in her ear. She turned her face and looked at me in disbelief, scowling.

"You're an asshole." She responded and I just tittered. "Do not dare to say a word about this, Darren. I'm serious."

"My lips are sealed, Jenny." I asserted and she nodded and grinned slightly. "Go with him... He needs somebody." I encouraged and she nodded again. "Fuck... Brian! Who would think that the guy you considered as an alpha asshole would turn out to be your crush, eh?" I teased when she stood up.

"Shut up, idiot." Jen shook her head, but with an amused smile.

I remained sitting, observing how Jen walked towards Brian and how she clasped him in her arms and how he clasped her in his. When they were hugging I thought that they actually looked good together; they could really have something. Brian was a great person and so was Jen. Brian deserved to find a girl to love and be loved back, a girl who would give him all the good things he deserved, a girl who could listen to him, support and comfort him, a girl who could make him happy; and Jen could perfectly be that girl. Jen deserved to have a good guy next to her, a guy who would love her for who she was, a guy who would show her that she is worthwhile and that she is beautiful, a guy who could prove her that romance isn't a silly thing and that she deserved to be spoiled and treated with respect, a guy who could make her believe in love again; and Brian was the perfect guy for that. They had many things in common and I couldn't deny that since the first time they met again, they got along very well and developed some sort of awesome friendship in so little time. When I saw that Brian kissed Jen's temple and Jen held his hand and intertwined her fingers with his before walking away, I thought that actually they were meant to be. I knew it. They were perfect for each other and it'd make me happy to see them together. I smiled and I remained sitting on the step, now completely alone. That was until I sensed someone sat next to me and lit up a cigarette. I turned my face and noticed she looked terrible; she had been crying hard.

"Remember what the doctor said. You can't smoke, Freckles." I said softly, looking at her sadly. She just inhaled cigarette smoke, with her gaze lost.

"It's just this one. I kinda need it right now." She responded hoarsely before she exhaled the smoke through her mouth.

"Can you give me a puff of your smoke?" I requested, looking intently at her. She didn't look at me, but she handed me her cigarette absentmindedly. "Thank you." I said after I received it. I threw the cigarette on the step and stomped on it.

"What the hell, Darren?" She asked upset seeing what I was doing.

"You don't need that shit, Freckles." I replied calmly. She huffed and looked away. I placed a hand on her knee and looked deeply into her eyes. "You can talk to me, instead." I squeezed her knee.

"I was smoking precisely because I don't want to talk to anybody, but I needed fresh air, so I couldn't stay in the bedroom." She answered and I smiled sadly at her.

"Well, we don't have to talk if you don't want so; but you don't need the cigarette either... If you want to release your anger, you can punch me; if you want to release your nerves and stress, you can rest your head on my lap, close your eyes and breath slowly while I stroke your hair; and if you want to release your pain and cry, you can rest your head on my shoulder and I can hug you to reassure you." I suggested her as she was frowning slightly, now with a thoughtful expression. "What you gonna do?"

She didn't answer anything; instead, she rested her head on my lap and looked blankly at the starry sky, placing her hands on her stomach. I grinned softly and with one hand I took her hands, and with the other hand I began to stroke her hair, very smoothly and massaging her scalp with my fingertips from time to time, as I knew she liked. I didn't talk because I knew in this moment she didn't want anybody to tell her anything, she just wanted to calm and settle down all that recently happened; if she wanted to talk, I would let her do that without interrupting; and if she didn't want to talk, I would just comfort her and caress her short hair. In the meantime, I was just admiring her face in the moonlight with that peculiar, enthralling expression she had whenever she was stargazing.

"Brian broke up with me." Her throaty whisper broke the silence. She didn't know that I already knew that, so I just looked at her and brushed my thumb across her hands as she was still looking blankly at the stars. "He said he loves me, but we aren't meant to be. And I was falling in love with him, I really was." Her voice cracked and her eyes shimmered with tears. I gulped and held back my breath, feeling sad for her, but also feeling bad myself. "You know? He used to hold my fears, not just my hand." She whispered and a small tear escaped the corner of her eye and traced her cheek, dripping into my lap. "He said he wanted to give me a better chance because I wasn't happy with him and I deserved to be happy. But I know that the real reason why he broke up with me is because he is disappointed in me, because I am not the person he thought I was, because I cheated on him. He broke up with me because of my fault." She frowned and another tear streamed down her face from her unblinking eyes. I pursed my lips and shook my head; however, I didn't interrupt her; I knew she wasn't over. "But, on the other hand, if your boyfriend, out of nowhere and with no advance warning whatsoever, dumps you for no apparent reason, is it really about you? Or is it all him?" She questioned, but I realized it wasn't a question to be answered; she was just thinking out loud, trying to understand by herself why this happened. Hence, I just continued stroking her hair very smoothly, observing her sad and confused eyes. "And when I wonder if it's all about him, I'm not trying to say that he did something wrong, or that he wanted to break up because he no longer loved me or because he wanted to hurt me. Quite the contrary, I wonder if it's all about him because I can't take off my mind the thought that he was suffering so much, he was in pain so great that the only way he could escape his pain was no other but to break up with me. He loves me, I'm absolutely aware that he loves me with all his being; but he was suffering with me because he could notice he couldn't make me fall for him completely; he was suffering because he couldn't get from me a full, intense love as he always longed for."

Freckles closed her eyes for the first time and sobbed silently, letting her tears fall down her cheeks; this time they weren't slow and small tears, the tears were flowing constantly. I looked at her sadly, fully getting what she meant and how she was feeling; so that I brushed a thumb across her cheeks, wiping some of her tears away. She opened her eyes again and her teary, blank stare focused on the dark sky.

"He let me go because he wants me to go on. But I inflicted pain on him. And it's the hardest thing in the world to go on being aware of someone else's pain." She uttered with strangled voice as more tears raced down her cheeks at the same instant she let out a muffled wail.

I bit my lips and my eyes became moist all of a sudden due to the fact that I knew exactly what she was feeling, because I was feeling the same way. I held her firmly in my arms until her cheeks only had wet tracks of the tears that already stopped falling. She let out a heavy, long sigh and frowned slightly.

"Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? All those memories that before you wanted to hold up... now suddenly seems a lot safer to lock and throw them away, far from you. It's not an act of bitterness, but an act of self-preservation." She commented and I frowned, thinking that wasn't a nice thing to say, perhaps accurate, but very sad. She surely said that because she was still deeply hurt. "I just… Argh! I hate myself. I know this is my fault for all the bad things I did to him and all the good things I didn't do with him. I wish I could have done more for him; I wasn't ready for him to leave me. He wouldn't have let me go and this whole situation wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been because of all my mistakes… And how do you move forward when you are aware that you're the one to blame for all the pain others are feeling? How do you feel good about yourself after that? How can you even feel worthy of loving and being loved back after this?" She asked with choked voice, her eyes filling with tears again.

I didn't know if that was a question she was asking for herself or if she wanted me to answer something. I decided to remain silent, even if in my mind I was thinking about a lot of things I could tell her; after all, she told me earlier that she didn't want to talk and I wanted to respect her. She stayed silent for a long time until, for the first time since she came here, looked at me straight in the eye, her gaze reflecting confusion, despair, distress and fear… That was the moment when I realized she wanted me to answer, she wanted me to talk to her, perhaps she was looking for a little comfort. I took a deep breath and I fondled her cheek, looking intensely into her big eyes.

"Well, I can see you're succumbing to despair and sorrow; and that's totally normal considering what has happened recently… You have the right to feel distressed because that means that you cared and you care. It's totally normal that right now the only you can see is the bad side of this. But it would be like that just as long as you, after few days, can see that all bad things in life also have good things, as well as all good things in life have bad things. You gotta understand this in order to appreciate everything of you and others and never regret any single thing of what you've done or you haven't done." I answered gently, looking deeply into that pair of frightened and distressed eyes that were looking into mine. A slight frown appeared on her face as she lowered her gaze, now with hopelessness. I moved my face closer to hers and I placed a thumb on her chin to raise her head so that she could look at me again. "Likewise, you have to stop considering all the memories with him like your worst enemy and you have to cherish them as you originally wanted. I know you want to lock them and throw them away right now, and I know it's not an act of bitterness, but it isn't an act of self-preservation either. It'd be more like an act of destroying what made you be who you are now, it'd be like undervalue all the moments you've experienced with him, all the good things that made you smile, laugh and feel loved; all of those things you learned with him. Memories sometimes can hurt us, but without those memories we wouldn't have a story of our life, because memories, either good or bad, are part of who we truly are. So always cherish them, even if they hurt, they taught us something." I whispered and gave her a sympathetic smile while fondling her cheek. She was looking at me into the eyes, but when I finished saying that, she lowered her gaze and pursed her lips. I knew it wasn't because she didn't like what I said, it was more like she was thinking about that and how hard it was to do so. "And the truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. You have to let go of those feelings, Freckles. Anger, fear, regret. It's the only way you can forgive yourself and love again. Forgive the situation and forgive yourself, Freckles. He didn't let you go for what you did or you didn't do with him, he let you go to give you your best chance. Now you have to let him go in order to make his hard decision something worth it. Remember he always wanted the best for you; and if you want the best for him, then grant him his last wish that is you to move on and be happy for real." I sighed before smiling at her again. When she looked at me with teary, distraught eyes, I looked at her fondly as a way to encourage her to do it. But she was still in despair and despondency; and I knew why it was like that, so I added one more thing. "One last thing I recently learned from my own experience… Letting go is not the same than breaking up. When someone breaks up with you is because that person no longer loves you; when someone lets you go is because that person loves you way too much to keep you tied and not let you fly to go chase your dreams and happiness. So… He let you go. Would you let him go, too?" I asked with soft voice, looking intensely and kindly into her eyes. I noticed she was looking at me astonished; then I observed how she puckered her brows and parted her lips slightly before drifting her gaze to the stars, deep in thought, very absorbed.

"Hmm..." She hummed, raising an eyebrow. "That was so tricky... and cunning." She frowned and bit her lips. "It's obvious that I want the best for him; and it's evident that I want him to go chase his dreams and be happy... I never knew that letting him go was the only way he could do it... What a plight, eh? That's such a turn of the tide!" Her choked voice blended with a short chuckle as a sneaky tear dripped off her eye.

I looked at her with a sad half-smile when her eyes met mine. I had to admit she couldn't have said it better; absolutely everything has changed thoroughly and too quickly in this time span since we came to Jen's house till this very moment. It was downright like that. I came here with a beautiful girlfriend who loved me and I loved back; now I was single, holding in my arms the person I was in love with but with whom I couldn't be because I was still hurt because of Feb's departure. And Freckles came here single with great expectations to have a good time here, then she started a relationship with her best friend, she was falling in love with him and right when she got it, he let her go; so she was now again single, but heartbroken. And that 'turn of the tide' could perfectly adapt to others' situations, excluding Chuck and Lucy: Jen was happy and living with her boyfriend, now she was single and downhearted, besides of having a crush with the person who was in love with the person I was in love with; Joey and Mandy were single and lonely, unable to commit with someone, now they were in love and developing an extraordinary committed relationship; February couldn't stay away from me not even for a second, she had plans and dreams for us for a long future together, now she walked away and her future dreams and plans no longer involved an 'us'; Brian got to make come true his dream to be with the person he's been in love since years, and right when he got her love, he made the decision to let her go, something previously unimaginable; Brian's dad's health was improving considerably and then, unexpectedly, we got the news that he'd pass away and there was nothing we could do about. Not only that, but also there was this whole Jim issue; all of the things Brian knew that he was trying to keep in secret, went out of control and now it was no longer a secret and things were getting shitty. Yes, everything was a big mess. As Freckles said, it was a turn of the tide.

"Yeah, that's such a turn of the tide." I asserted while nodding; now looking away in a distressed way.

We both remained silent, both of us deep in thought; probably thinking about the same... Any moment, any point in time, any situation could really be a turning point of our lives. I learned that nothing stays the same, nothing should be taken for granted, and the only real thing we have is the now; anything else is constantly changing, either for better or worse: it is all on us and how we live the now.

"You know what Brian told me?" Freckles suddenly spoke and I finally looked at her again. She was frowning slightly, her stare still fixed on the stars. "Go, be happy with Darren… He told me you're the love of my life." She smiled weakly and looked into my eyes. I could notice she was feeling the same than me: we were too hurt to think about that possibility, so it sounded absurd right now.

"It's curious... February told me that it's time for me to be happy with you; she also told me you're the love of my life." I confessed, also with a weak half-smile. "I guess they didn't consider the factor that we would be this heartbroken because of losing them and make them feel so bad..." I sighed and she nodded, pursing her lips. This situation was getting too distressing and I wasn't planning that when I purposed to hold her in my arms to reassure her and reassure myself, too; so I decided to change it. "And they didn't consider the fact that it's impossible to feel attracted to a person who looks as monstrous as Frankenstein owing to the crying and all..." I tried to joke with an amused smile, even if I was hurting.

Freckles looked at me incredulous, frowning slightly; when I shrugged, she let out a giggle. Her laughter truly acted like a sound that made me feel warm, a sound that brought me a baffling joy that I thought impossible to feel in this moment. And I remembered that was one of the things I loved most about her: her laughter could turn the worst of my days into a better day. Just that, the sound of her laughter. The kind of laughter that could make me laugh along with her for real even when I was struggling not to cry. And it still had that effect on me; so I started giggling along with her... But soon enough, our giggles allowed the tears to drip into our mouths. Those tears together with our laugh were probably the most honest that happened during our conversation: That meant that we were deeply hurt; and tears, but also laughter, are a coping mechanism to release the pain inside us.

"I don't even know why I'm laughing if there's nothing funny about this." Freckles uttered weeping and chuckling with that pain she was feeling.

"I know why we laugh." I replied, grinning in a sorrowful and kind way as tears were falling down my cheeks. She looked at me through her tears, expectant to get an answer for her doubt. "We laugh because it hurts, and it's the only thing to make it stop hurting."

"Yes." She nodded before rolling onto her side to enfold her arms around me and bury her head on my stomach.

I bent and rested my head on hers, tightening the hold. We had a long night ahead, a night in which words wouldn't be exchanged, but it'd be filled with confidential silences, heartfelt tears, and affable reassurance for the acute pain we were feeling in our chest, commonly known as having a broken heart. Our hearts and stomach and our whole insides felt hollow and empty and aching; this was what the stories or movies meant when they called somebody heartsick. I was pretty aware that if Brian and February let us go was for the best and that part of me was glad, but there was also a weary numbness threatening to consume every inch of me: Wasn't there a way for me to skip straight to the part where I'd be fine again? I could feel how old fears were rising up in me and also in her, those old fears of feeling vulnerable, of insecurity and low self-esteem; those old fears of being afraid to love and be loved again for fear of being hurt again. Hence, for a long time, droplets of tears continued to fall into my stomach and into the top of her head. I glanced at Freckles and I noticed she was deep-breathing again, I noticed her hands were clutched around the opposing wrists, nails digging in deep, hard, scratching. Pain to replace pain, I thought. I returned to my thoughts again. We ruined each other by being together, Freckles with Brian and me with February. We destroyed each other's dreams. But we loved them, and we loved them so much; that was why we were hurting so much. We hurt so much because we have lost a part of ourselves. If we have loved much, we must have given much also, and when everything's over, we feel as though we have lost everything. So yes, there were heartaches in life, painful things that happen and disappointments that steal away dreams. And in that moment time stood still. That was when time stands still: When the heartache consumes you; when you watch the one you love, walk away; when you're holding the person you love, just as heartbroken as you are, unable to love her and be loved back because you know that after this you'll never be the same again. Brian and February knew that Freckles and I would be happy together and they knew they wouldn't be happy by being with us. But what they didn't know, but probably realized now just as us, is that when you're enduring a terrible heartache it's impossible to focus on minimize the pain on another person. How could you do that, or even think about doing that, if you are barely able to survive another day? Surviving isn't strength, it's continuing to breathe one day at a time; strength is learning to live despite the pain. And to be with another person and love them is necessary to live despite the pain, to be strong. I knew this because I felt heartbroken in the past: When Freckles and I parted. And how long it took us to learn to live, truly live, despite the pain? How long it took us to feel ready to love and be loved again? It was like going back to the start, when Freckles and I were just 'someone we used to know'. But then I looked down and saw her snuggled up to me; vulnerable, heartsick, devastated just as I was; and I realized that we no longer only shared love. We also shared all of the pain, heartache, sorrow, and grief. I realized that having a broken heart is a good sign: It means we have tried for something. I realized that it is okay not to be okay and it just feels better to know that you have someone to help you when you can't even help yourself and vice versa. I looked at her and I felt, more than ever, that she was my once in a lifetime girl. A shaft of morning sunlight leaked out of the dark sky of the night and I looked up to see a silver lining. It was a sign, I thought. I knew Freckles and I wouldn't be together again for a long time; but whatever happened tomorrow, we had today; so I held her tighter and kissed her temple. And we shared the first smile of the new day. That could be the turn of the tide we were talking about earlier; and both of us felt it.

---

It's been two days since Brian let you go. He was still staying at Jen's house, but he was sleeping in what was Darren's bedroom while Darren was staying at Jen's bedroom with her and you were alone in the same bedroom. You thought it'd be uncomfortable to be in the same room than Brian ever since you and he broke up; but he made sure not to let it happen. Usually he would spend time alone with his dad and he would talk to you when you were around other people, mostly to comment something or joke about this and that. Usually you would spend time with others as much as possible in order not to feel lonely and think about all the things that were saddening you. Usually Darren would do the same than you and usually others would do their best to make you laugh and spend time with you for the purpose of not letting you be any time alone. Brian was still being nice to you, just more distant; at least for now. Yes, things were different, but not for that worse. You missed him; you missed falling asleep in his arms, snuggling up to him, and wake up to his face against the morning sun; you missed his caresses and his kisses; you missed all of the things you experienced with him when you two were together. But you thought that maybe you missed it all because your break up was recent. It was a matter of wean from what you had got used. Of course there were times when you would long for running into his arms again; but you swallowed those desires and remained quiet, thinking that after all this pain, better times would come, because that was the reason why he let you go. You thought that perhaps it wasn't that you were in love with him; perhaps it was that little need to feel something different, something that would mark your life. And it happened; Brian marked your life, so now the goal was fulfilled and it was already time for you to move on. In any case, you still had him as your friend. However this morning you woke up in a better mood, decided to start living your life again with all of your friends, including Brian. You wanted to do your best to show him that you could be just friends again; that you were ready to act around him the same way you used to act before you started dating. You were feeling entirely positive about this; and positivism was one of the things that lacked you these last days, so it was a good sign. You headed to the dining room where everybody was having breakfast and you gave them all a radiant smile. It was such the way you smiled that you felt surprised about it and so did they. Brian was the first one who smiled back at you. It wasn't even necessary to tell him that you were finally feeling better about this whole situation; he knew. You said good morning and approached Brian, who was holding a tray with a coffee, grapefruit juice, two poached eggs, sliced bacon, and sliced bread with jam; George's favorite breakfast.

"Well, that breakfast seems delicious." You commented with a cheery smile and Brian's eyes twinkled when he noticed you were way better than the last two days. Meanwhile, everybody was looking intently at you two.

"Yeah, it's my dad's favorite." He answered and then he took one slice of bread with jam. "Here, take this. He'll never notice that one slice of bread with jam is missing." He winked and you chuckled before taking it.

"Thank you, Bri." You replied before chewing a bite of bread. "Are you trying to spoil your dad with breakfast in bed? It's weird he isn't awake by this time."

"Yes, it's pretty weird, so yeah, I'm taking advantage to wake him up with breakfast in bed to spoil him a little." He responded with a giggle. "I think he's gonna love it; it's been a while since the last time he had breakfast in bed."

"I agree. And it's always nice to wake up with such a sweet, and delicious, surprise." You said before chewing another bite of breed. "Do you think I could go with you and help you wake him up? I wanna see his face when he sees that tray! But of course, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind, Sunny. Your presence will make him feel even more pleased with this surprise." He answered straight away, with a gentle grin.

"I have an idea to make it even more awesome!" You exclaimed enthusiastically, while clapping and showing all of your teeth, something that made him chuckle. "Your dad loves reading the newspaper while having breakfast. But what if we, instead, bring the book you wrote to read to him the last chapter? He told me he read it all except the last chapter, so he'll love it, I believe."

"Yeah, I think he will like it." He replied with a bright smile.

You stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. This was the first time you kissed him since you broke up; and it didn't feel awkward, it felt more like the right thing to do and you made sure of it when he grinned friendly at you. The heartache was still present, but it was less painful. After Brian and you excused yourselves in front of everybody and they smiled at you two, you and he headed to George's bedroom, but first you went to your bedroom to take Brian's book. You opened the door carefully not to make any noise and you entered the bedroom. George was lying in bed, fast asleep. He didn't seem to be planning to wake up any soon; perhaps he was tired because in the last two days Brian convinced him to do a lot of things that George enjoyed doing; so those were kind of strenuous days. When you and Brian stepped closer and giggled softly, he didn't notice that and didn't make any grimace. You thought about not waking him because he seemed to be peacefully sleeping and he deserved to rest a little more; but you discarded that idea when you thought this surprise would make him start the day in a really good way; besides, George would feel moody if he realized that he wasted the morning sleeping.

"Daddy!" Brian was the first to speak.

Nothing happened. George continued sleeping soundly. Brian smiled broadly and stepped closer, chuckling softly owing to his dad's unusual sluggishness. He placed the tray on the nightstand and you stepped closer to George's bed. Brian squatted and placed a hand on his dad's shoulder.

"Daddy, it's time to wake up!" Brian exclaimed cheery; but George didn't move, so he gently shook his shoulder. "Daddy! Come on, lazy man!" He joked and everything remained the same. Brian frowned slightly, still with a slight grin and shook his dad's shoulder again. "Dad... I know you're tired, but if you don't wake up, I'm pretty sure you'd be grumpy all day long. Besides, Sunny and I prepared a surprise for you." Brian voiced with enthusiasm, but George did not open his eyes. Your joyful smile, slowly, vanished when a dismal thought popped into your mind. "Come on, daddy, wake up!" Brian exclaimed with a short giggle, shaking his shoulder again. Then he looked at his dad in silence for a while, his wide smile also vanishing slowly. "Daddy..." He whispered and leaned to kiss his temple; then he parted and looked at his dad with a frightened facial expression, puckering his brows. "Open your eyes, daddy." He demanded in a whisper, his voice slightly trembling.

When you looked at George more intently, you dropped your jaw, your eyes filled with tears and your lips began to quiver as a cold chill ran throughout your body, making you shiver when you saw George's face paler than ever, his lips slightly purple, the stillness of his body, the lack of grimaces and his eyes steadily shut. The pain of those seconds when you realized what was happening were the most awful you've ever experienced. Your heart burst and you felt there was no air, only raw panic and grief. Brian continued shaking his shoulder, more fiercely this time, as you dropped the book you were holding and tears began to flow constantly from your eyes.

"Dad, come on, open your eyes, dad! Wake up!" Brian requested exasperatedly, his voice sounding strangled now.

He placed both of his hands on his dad's shoulders and shook them frantically. You gasped and covered your mouth, feeling unable to breathe; your body shaking violently, unable to move from where you were. You observed how Brian was slowly decreasing the ferocity with which he was shaking George's shoulders and how he ended up dropping his head into his dad's chest, dissolved into a puddle of tears.

"Dad! You have to wake up. We brought you breakfast in bed." Brian sobbed in his dad's chest as you were trying to catch your breath. "Wake up. Please, open your eyes, daddy." He whispered weakly.

But both Brian and you knew that George would not wake up this time. When he shut his eyes last night, his world dropped dead; and now his face would never show again the color of his affectionate, pale blue eyes. His eyes were shut for aye and his peaceful sleep will be everlasting. Your heart was badly broken; it was more than that, it was like having a hole in your heart with a shape that no one else would ever fit. George was gone forever and there was no way you could bring him back to life; all you could do was love him, and love the world, memorialize him by living with daring, spirit and joy; but above all, support, comfort, and take care of his son as George pleaded you. You wiped your tears away, took a deep breath, and swallowed your own pain to be strong for that boy who was lying on the floor next to his dad's bed, crying in abject misery on account of realizing the loss of the only family he had left, the most important person to him, his dad.

"Daddy, you have to wake up... We've got a lot of things left to do." Brian sobbed with choked, breathy voice. You felt a pang in your heart when you heard him being so insistent, not wanting to admit what was happening.

"Brian..." You whispered with brittle voice.

You approached Brian and kneeled next to him, wrapping an arm around him and forcing him to rest his head on your chest. When he did so, he curled up in a ball and wept on your chest with great sobs and blatant and doleful tears that seemed to be endless. You held him tight and began to stroke his soft hair. You couldn't hold your tears back any longer, so you started crying your heart out, but making sure to make it silent and making sure to reassure your best friend who fell apart and was brokenhearted. A son has lost his father. The world has lost a good-hearted man; a person who had no bitterness in him, no anger in him, no self-interest; a person who was the best example to follow. A great man has left you, but his spirit will live forever.

---

It was George's burial and Brian chose to bury his dad in NYC because George told him that when he came to NYC, he found his place in the world. Jen was the one who made all arrangements for burial and she was the one who insisted afford it; she chose one of the best cemeteries in the city: The Green-Wood Cemetery, located in Brooklyn. All of you were now standing in front of the marble monument that featured a carved angel resting on a heart, which plaque engraved something that Brian himself wrote:

R.I.P.

George David Clerk

Sept. 16, 1960

Jan. 7, 2007

In loving memory of a life beautifully lived, a heart deeply loved, and a special person who will never leave us, even after you're gone.

It was a silent burial and there were some silent tears; but, oddly enough, Brian didn't shed any single tear. He just observed his dad's monument and he even grinned slightly, even if his green eyes reflected sadness. At one point he squatted, kissed his hand and pressed that hand against the monument, with that slight smile; and that was the last thing he did before all of you returned to Jen's place. When you arrived, you saw an envelope that had been slipped through the crack of the front door. Nobody else saw it and they headed to the living room, so you grabbed it, opened it and read the letter.

"Dear wanker,

Congratulations on the death of the retarded father! It seems to me that he finally did the world a favor, he kicked the bucket and now we have one less retarded person in the world. I wonder how that ignominy and nuisance you had as a father would be doing while perishing in hell. Too bad I couldn't get his putrid body to throw it on a dumpster on time. But I could always desecrate his grave and steal that rotting and fetid body to do it. That would be like my gift to you in order to celebrate the death of an abhorrent cripple. Oh! Don't tell me you're grieving that abomination for humanity, namely your father! Oh, right, wanker! The cripple was your father, the only family you had in your miserable and pathetic life! Well, think about this, wanker: Your life will be a little less miserable now that you don't have to deal with the disgrace of having a retarded human being as a father. Oh, but that cripple was the only person who was for you, right? Now you have no one. How about reconsidering suicide now? It's not so hard, wanker; you just have to pierce your temple with a bullet, or perhaps hang yourself, stab your heart, take an overdose of any pills, suffocate yourself with a plastic bag fixed over the head, or even jump from height. You see, you have a lot of suicide methods available. The less painful is drugs overdose, but if you don't wanna die as the coward you've been all your life, I suggest you to commit suicide with a firearm; or jumping from height if you wanna make it remarkable and you wanna be noticed by others for the first time in your life. Your retarded father already did us a favor; now you could do us a favor and you can kill yourself. I promise you won't be missed and nobody will mourn for you. And the repulsive Clerk family will disappear from the face of the earth. Wouldn't it be rewarding? Seriously, as your old friend I can tell you that suicide is the best option. Think about this: You only mattered to your father; now the cripple is dead, so you don't matter to anyone. What would be the point of living? You're just a spare for this world. However, in view of that we're still playing this game, I'll give you two options:

1- Kill yourself and do us and yourself a favor.

2- Don't kill yourself and I kill the people who, against their will, accompanied you to the cemetery.

I'll give you three days to think about it, just because I am a merciful man who respects the time you need to mourn for a retarded father who has died. The ball is in your court!

Sincerely,

W."

You finished reading the letter with a disgusted grimace, despising Jim with all your being. Fortunately Brian didn't find this letter, and he would never know the existence of this letter, you'd make sure of it. You crumpled the letter and put it in your purse, feeling rabid. If Jim wanted to play with Brian, he first would play with you and you wouldn't let him win. Not this time. Jim would have to face you and this time you'd be the one who would destroy him. You weren't even feeling frightened as in high school, you were different now and you'd prove Jim this. But for now, you wouldn't let Jim affect you; you wouldn't waste your time on Jim when Brian needed you now more than ever. So you headed to the living room that had a lugubrious atmosphere. Jen had brought snacks and drinks and everyone was silent. You sat next to Brian and wrapped an arm around him before kissing his cheek. He turned his face to look at you with a pair of weary, distressed eyes and he gave you a faint smile. You rested your head on his shoulder as he enfolded an arm around you, resting his head on yours.

"Sunny, can I ask you a favor?" Brian spoke with hoarse voice and you, just as the rest, looked at him surprised. It was the first time he spoke this day.

"Sure, Bri." You replied softly, sitting upright.

"When my dad was still alive, we talked about how it'd be like when the day of his death comes. I told him that I'd never be the same after his death, that I'd never be able to overcome his death, actually that I couldn't live without him." He started saying as you were looking sadly but deeply into his eyes and some others looked down in a sorrowful way. "He just told me one thing: Never say you can't." He voiced and grinned slightly, his gaze absent. "The night before he passed away, he looked at me as though he knew that would be his last night and, among the things he told me, he repeated never say you can't." He grinned and his voice cracked a little at the same instant his eyes became moist. "And I wouldn't be where I am if my father didn't tell me to never say I can't." He chuckled softly as a tear fell down his face. "So, there's this song... It says all I feel right now. And... I'd like if you sing it, as a way to commemorate him. Can you do that?" He asked modestly, looking fixedly at you.

"Of course I can, Bri." You grinned kindly at him. "What's the song?"

"Never say you can't." He grinned and nodded.

"I know it. I guess I'll need the keyboard. Perhaps also the laptop to look for the lyrics and the piano tabs and chords." You said looking at Chuck.

Chuck nodded and stood up to go to look for it. After a while he returned with both things. He googled the song for you as you sat in front of the keyboard. Then Chuck sat next to you with the laptop on his lap and you read the lyrics of the song with a sad smile. And you began to play the keyboard.

When I was just a little boy

Barely strong enough to stand

I could always count on him

He taught me everything I know

And till this day it shows

He was more than just a friend

There was so many times I would doubt myself

But his words were always there to help

I wouldn't be

Where I am

If my father didn't tell me

To never say I can't

He'd carry me

And never let me fall

And the only thing he asked

Right before he passed

Was to never say you can't

Never say you can't

So when life's rain begins to fall

And you're out there on your own

And you can't see a thing

Just find that voice that understands

For me it was my old man

He taught me to say the words I can

There was so many times I would doubt myself

But his words were always there to help

I wouldn't be

Where I am

If my father didn't tell me

To never say I can't

He'd carry me

And never let me fall

And the only thing he asked

Right before he passed

Was to never say you can't

Everything you taught me will stay with me forever

No I won't forget a thing

Because of my dad I now know my son better

And I hope I can do for him what he did for me

I wouldn't be

Where I am

If my father didn't tell me

To never say I can't

He'd carry me

And never let me fall

And the only thing he asked

Right before he passed

Was to never say you can't

Never say you can't

When you finished singing, you looked straight into Brian's teary eyes. He smiled thankfully at you and his smile remained on his face. He was in pain, but he was doing what his father wanted him to do: to smile because he lived a gratifying life and not to mourn for him. Everybody smiled at Brian and then they started talking to him, to cheer him up in this hard moment. But you didn't talk, you stayed silent, not taking your eyes off him, smiling proudly at him and thinking how strong he was to endure this and be able to smile again for his dad. When the night fell, most of you went to the respective bedrooms; but Mandy, Darren, Jen and you stayed with Brian in the living room. You were now snuggled up to Brian as they were looking down, apparently absent-minded but not wanting to leave Brian alone. Your gaze shifted to Darren and you saw he was making an awkward grimace, as though he really wanted to say something but didn't know how; until he looked up at Brian.

"I am so sorry for your loss, bro." Darren spoke and Brian looked at him and nodded with a slight grin. Darren looked down, gulped, and his hazel eyes shimmered. "And I wish I had something wonderful to say to make you feel better." He let out a strangled chuckle. Then he looked up again, straight into Brian's eyes. "Please know that I'm willing to help you out as I can during this difficult time. I'd love to take you out for coffee if you ever need to talk to someone, buddy." He added and Brian smiled at him thankful.

"Same here, hottie." Mandy spoke and all of you turned your gaze to her. You weren't expecting her to say something, but it seemed she wanted to say something else. As rarely before witnessed, Mandy looked at Brian in a very sweet and compassionate way. "You know you're like my brother. The best brother I never had; so, you've got a sister on me." She continued, smiling kindly at him, her eyes dampened with tears. You frowned slightly, amazed but glad to hear your sister saying something as unusually sweet as what she was saying. "All the tears in the world can't bring back the dead or wash away your fears and grief. I want you to put up your chin and tell yourself you are strong. And if you begin to weaken, hold on to me. That's what I am here for." She finished saying, looking at him amiably. You raised your eyebrows and your lips curled upwards when you realized how benevolent and altruistic your sister could be sometimes.

"We all are here for you, Brian." Jen spoke, looking at him with a friendly smile. "Your dad was one of the warmest and caring people I've had the pleasure of knowing; he was the type of person who inspired those around him to have integrity as he encouraged others to be the best people they could be." Jen commented and you grinned because that was adorable and so true. Brian's eyes were now glazed with tears and his lips were quivering. You intertwined your arm with his and kissed his shoulder. "And I could say that your dad will always live in you, because all of that is reflected in your life." She finished saying in a very gentle way.

Now your own eyes filled with tears because that was one of the most wonderful things you've ever heard and it was something you haven't really realized until she made all of you see that. Darren and Mandy's eyes also filled with tears, possibly because of the same reason; and Brian finally let escape the tears he was holding back. It was a distressing crying, but mostly a thrilled one, showing the gratitude he was feeling.

"I'm so grateful for having you in my life, guys." Brian tried to articulate with strangulated voice, in between silent tears. Only his crying and his great effort to tell you this made you, Darren, Jen and Mandy shed the tears that were pricking the corner of your eyes. "I hope you know that you definitely have impacted my life greatly. And thank you very much, because before you, my only family was my dad, but you've made me feel like you are my family, too."

And Brian burst into tears and sobs, and so did you, Jen, Darren and Mandy. You were feeling again the pang in the heart, but this time it was because of the thrill. You pulled Brian into a warm hug as he buried his head in your neck. Seconds later, Jen, Mandy and Darren stood up and hugged Brian as well; all of you trying to reassure him, but also trying to show him how thankful you were for becoming aware that you were like his family, just as he was like your family. In that moment all of you realized that you'll never be alone and you'll always be part of this family. After a long time of shared tears and comfort, you all went to your respective bedrooms to try to sleep a little and then start a new day. But you were lying in bed, staring blankly the ceiling, hugging the bunny teddy Brian gave you, thinking about Brian and George. After hesitating, you walked to Brian's bedroom, knocked the door and cracked open the door to peek out.

"Can I come in?" You requested in a whisper.

Brian, who was sitting on his bed with a photo in his hands, looked at you and nodded. You approached him and sat on bed behind him, enfolding your arms around his waist and resting your chin on his shoulder to look at the photo he was holding.

"We took this picture the day before he passed away." He commented with an affectionate and slight grin.

You looked at it very intently. Brian and his dad were cheek to cheek, both of them with wide and bright smiles on their faces. They looked so happy and so upbeat; it was one of the most lovely, beautiful pictures of them you've ever seen; and that picture reflected how much they loved each other. You paid attention to Brian's bright green eyes, especially taking notice to the twinkle in his eyes that were no longer present; and finally you looked at George's pale blue eyes, you noticed how lively they were and you couldn't believe that a day after those lively eyes were shut forever. He looked so vivid, so alive, that you couldn't believe that after that his heart stopped beating. You couldn't believe that you'll never see again his bright eyes, his wide smile, his sympathetic and lovingly gaze; you'll never listen to the sound of his laughter, the sound of his voice, his jokes and his wise advices; you'll never feel again his warm and comforting hugs. Until that moment you've been trying hard not to face the truth that you lost someone you needed in your life because he was your rock, he was the father that you lost in high school. You've been trying to be strong for Brian, you've been trying hard to do what George requested you to do as his last wish that you didn't give yourself time to grieve the loss of him. Thus, you broke into desolate tears before you could control it. When Brian noticed this, he turned around and enfolded his arms around you as you rested your head on his chest. All this time he knew that you haven't grieved for his dad because you were trying to be strong for him, so he gave you this chance and he reassured you because he knew what his dad meant to you. Once you got to calm down, he wiped your tears away and stroked your cheek with a sweet smile.

"I really loved him." You finally articulated. "He truly was the person I want to be."

"Yes. He was the person all of us should be, but most of us aren't." He nodded as his eyes shone with tears. "And if I could have taken his place to buy him a little more time in the world, I'd have done it. I'm sorry I couldn't. Therefore, I shall smile. I was smiling yesterday, I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow. Simply because life is too short to cry for anything. My dad taught me that. And if anything, I know my dad is in a better place now, where pain will not follow him everywhere." He howled before starting to weep with a pained but broad smile.

You could feel his heart breaking into million pieces and you noticed that all the tears he shed earlier were just tears of sensing that something has changed, but these tears were those he was shedding because he finally came to terms with the fact that his dad was no longer breathing. This was his real grieving. Therefore, this time it was you the one who embraced him as he snuggled up to you, seeking comfort and reassurance. You smoothly stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head.

"I'm having such a hard time making sense of your dad's passing, too; even if I can't understand as much as you do that there is no worse time than the loss of a father." You whispered softly as his tears were soaking your pajamas. "Your dad was truly one of the most open and giving human beings I've ever met. I'm so blessed that I was able to spend so much time with him. I've learned life-long lessons through his kindness and in his memory, I'll walk through life with a bigger heart. He was the example for all of us to follow the way he embraced life and consciously lived by his own motto: Learn something new every day." You said and Brian let out a short, muffled chuckle. You ran your fingers through his hair and grinned, even if he wasn't looking at you. "I know the shoes must feel big to fill, but you live boldly and courageously as well. You are truly the imprint of your dad." You placed both hands on his cheeks and made him look at you. You kissed his tears away and your fingers brushed his cheeks as you smiled fondly and tears gathered in his green eyes. "I know you want to smile for him, but now it's time for you to feel. To grieve. To let yourself feel the anger at the fact that he was taken from you. To feel the loss of him. To feel the sadness and the missing him. Don't block it out, don't cut so it so stop. Just sit and let it all rip you apart. And then get up and keep breathing. One breath at a time. One day at a time. Wake up, and be shredded. Cry for a while. Then stop crying and go about your day. You're not okay but you're alive, and you will be okay, someday. In the meantime, I will be here for you every day, for as long as you need me, my friend." You said sweetly before giving him a small kiss on the forehead. You embraced him again and he wrapped his arms around you to cry on your shoulder. "I love you. So much." You whispered in his ear.

You stayed with him until he had no more tears left to shed, even after that. You lay down in bed, huddled together and stared into each other's eyes until Brian's eyes — slowly — closed and he fell asleep. It wasn't long until you fell asleep looking at him and thinking about the last words George told you:

"Do not cry because my son let you go, smile because you and my son were given the chance to be the greatest and lifelong best friends. Live your life to the fullest, sweetie. Do it for me, do it for my son, do it for yourself. I promise there will be a happy ending, regardless if it's not the way you expected it to be. You've got your life in the palm of your hands. Live, sweetie."

And you were planning to do it. It was what George would have loved to see.

---

It's been three days since George's burial. I could definitely say that this house without George wasn't the same; it felt different, less merry; something was evidently missing and it was his joyful presence. Although I didn't have the chance to spend more time with him as I'd have liked, his demise meant a great loss to me; especially considering all he has done for me all these weeks I stayed here. This was the day when Brian finally had the courage to enter the bedroom where his dad was staying to pack all of his belongings; he said he wanted to keep some things, but most of them will be donated to those in need. He said he wanted to do it alone; so he was now there, as the rest of us were having an afternoon snack. I wasn't being part of the current conversation, though. I was relatively distant from them, using my laptop, checking Facebook. I wasn't actually checking my notifications and messages; I was stalking February's profile, just to see if she posted something, how she was, where she was, what she was doing, something at all. There was nothing new, except one single post that said she had a Twitter account or something. I googled what Twitter was and found it was an online social networking service that enabled users to send and read 'tweets', which were text messages limited to 140 characters. So I decided to create an account. It asked me to choose a username, and I chose 'Iclemyer', which was a cartoon character I created when I was 8. I didn't know how this shit worked and I didn't know how to look for February. So, I decided to 'tweet' something.

Iclemyer: woah

Alright, that was it. Now what? What was the cool thing about this social networking? Everybody could read this? And how would I know if someone replied me? How would people find me and how could I find people if I needed to know the username? Perhaps you had to tweet more; so I composed another tweet.

Iclemyer: tweeting.

Alright, no. I didn't know how this was supposed to work. I decided to search February, so I typed 'February Lawrence'. And I found a person whose username was 'FebLawrence'; I was sure that was her. I went to her profile and I saw her profile picture; that was Feb. She only tweeted one thing.

FebLawrence: I'm here!

I smiled and then I saw a button that said 'Follow'. Maybe 'Follow' on Twitter was equivalent to 'Add friend' on Facebook; so I pressed it and waited to see what happened.

"Hey, Dare. What are you doing?" I heard Freckles' voice next to me. I nervously and quickly closed the laptop lid.

"Nothing... Just... Checking Facebook." I responded and she nodded and sat on a chair next to me.

"Oh, that's good. You never added me on Facebook, by the way." She replied with a slight smile.

"That's because you never told me what your username is." I pointed out and she giggled softly.

"True. Well, I'll send you a friend request later." She said and I nodded. Then she moved closer to me and I frowned slightly. It seemed she wanted to tell me a secret. "I need to show you something, but no one else must know, especially Brian."

"What is it?" I asked in a whisper. She looked around and once she made sure nobody was looking at us, she pulled something out her pockets. It was a crumpled paper.

"It's a letter. I found it when we returned from George's burial. It's from Jim." She whispered and I widened my eyes in horror. "I wasn't planning to show it to anyone... But the letter says something about a period of time Brian has to do something. And today is the last day. But Brian doesn't know and I'm afraid of what can happen, so..." She stammered edgy, handing me the letter. "Read it."

I took the letter and began to read it. I felt irked while reading it. Jim was such a bastard. And I got why Freckles was nervous and afraid. As she said, today was the last day Brian had to choose an option. I gave it back to Freckles and I looked at her.

"Don't worry, Freckles. I hardly think Jim is gonna do something. It was just a threat, I'm sure; it was just a way to make Brian feel worse than he was already feeling that day." I ensured, even if I wasn't so sure about it. "And if by chance anything comes to happen, we're gonna stop Jim. He won't hurt any of us. Besides, we'll be 8 against 1." I encouraged and Freckles looked down and nodded, frowning slightly.

"I actually wanted to show you this letter because if Jim happens to come here, I will need your help. I have a plan and I need someone's help." She confessed and I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "If Jim comes here, he won't leave this house free. He'll regret to have come here." She stated coldly, in a fearless way. I could see anger in her eyes. "The only thing you'll have to do is challenge him, not to the point he can hurt you, but to the point you can keep him entertained. I'll handle the rest. But this day, if he comes, will be the day that jerk is gonna be imprisoned." She disclosed in an intrepid and resolute way, clenching her teeth, her eyes ablaze.

"But what is your plan exactly?" I questioned.

"I'm sorry, Dare. But in order to protect all of you if something wrong comes to happen, I won't say anything. It's safer that way." She answered and I raised an eyebrow.

"And do you think I wouldn't want to protect you? Freckles, do you really think I'll let you do everything alone? You better tell me." I demanded.

"I won't." She answered determined.

I was about to argue with her, but something got our attention. Brian entered the room with three big boxes. We all looked at him and I noticed he was exhausted, besides of having puffy and reddened eyes. He ran a hand through his forehead and sighed before smiling slightly.

"Well, everything is sorted out." He announced and we just grinned. "Oh, and Jen? I couldn't help noticing that something was missing among my dad's belongings. It's a little box that had a notice of do not open; a box that I sent to my dad when he was living in San Francisco. Have you seen it?" Brian wondered, puckering his brows.

"I've seen it, yes. But the last time I saw it was when I was helping your dad to unpack his belongings in his bedroom. After that, I'm afraid I haven't seen it." She responded.

"Um... That's weird." He whispered. "Maybe I'll find it later."

"Do you want a glass of water?" Jen asked politely.

"Yes, that would be nice. Thanks." He responded as Jen handed him the glass of water. "Well, I'll keep the things that are in this box..." He started explaining, pointing the smallest box. "And this other box is to donate." He pointed the biggest one. "And this other box contains things that may be useful for you, guys; so go check if there's something you like and just keep it." He shrugged with a wide grin, looking at all of us as we nodded. "Oh, I'm gonna rest now. That was tiring." He sighed weary and sat on one chair, still drinking water.

"You haven't eaten anything at all today. Let me prepare you a sandwich." Freckles announced and Brian grinned and nodded.

Freckles headed to the kitchen as Chuck, Lucy, Joey and Jen walked to the box that contained things for us. Mandy and I stayed with Brian; she began to massage Brian's back as I was talking to him about random things to help him clear his mind. Freckles returned with the sandwich and joined our conversation. It was already dark when we heard a thunder and looked through the window.

"Uh, it seems it's gonna pour down." Brian commented. "It'd be great to watch a movie. I mean, is there something better than watching a movie snuggled in a warm blanket when it's raining?" He giggled, apparently feeling in a better mood now.

"A romance movie, you mean?" Freckles teased and I laughed when Brian frowned.

"No, not a romance movie again." He replied.

"A horror movie." I winked and Mandy and Freckles shot me withering looks, making evident they hated horror movies. "I mean, when it's raining with thunder and lightning, there's not a better thing in world to do than to watch a horror movie; it adds some sort of ideal ambience."

"Yeah, we could watch this movie... Silent Hill." Brian suggested and I nodded in agreement.

"And see that creepy little girl? No freaking way. You're so out of your mind." Freckles exclaimed alarmed, shaking her head energetically.

"Hell yeah, I agree with my little sis. You suckers, we won't watch that hideous movie." Mandy stated, frowning.

"Oh, Mandy! Don't tell me you're too frightened to watch a horror movie when raining and thundering!" I mocked and Brian laughed out loud.

"Shut up, you damn dickhead!" Mandy snapped upset.

"Silent Hill has a long history of witch burnings, stemming from the cult's beliefs. And there is this little girl named Alessa, who was ritually burned; but in the midst of the ritual, a fire accidentally burst out. And Alessa was badly burned, but alive. Alessa's pain and rage caused her dark side to manifest in the form of a duplicate of herself, an incarnation of the darkness of her soul." Brian commented in a whisper, making his voice sound guttural and creepy, as he pulled out a wicked face, smirking maliciously, looking deeply into Mandy's eyes, who seemingly was terrified.

"Shut up, jerk." Mandy commanded with trembling voice, taking her eyes off of Brian, frowning; so I burst out laughing.

"Dare to step inside the horrific town of Silent Hill, where darkness preys on every soul and Hell's creations await around every corner." Brian continued speaking with that guttural voice and that wicked face as Mandy was looking at him fixedly. He made a dramatic pause and smirked viciously. "But know that once you enter... There is no turning back." His throaty voice echoed in the room and the sound of a thunder made Mandy squeal and jump, so we all laughed.

"Why are you laughing?" Lucy asked curiously.

"These fuckers are the most stupid people I know!" Mandy bawled annoyed. "Joey! Punch them!" She ordered and Joey looked at her amused before wrapping his arms around her.

"Why, baby?" He tittered before pecking her lips.

"They are scaring me." She pouted and we all laughed again. The sound of another thunder made her shiver and then it started to pour down heavily. "I don't like thunderstorms." She whispered with a troubled face.

"You want me to stop the thunderstorm, baby?" Joey teased and Mandy frowned and punched his arm.

"Stupid ass. I don't know why you're my boyfriend." She huffed.

"So, what are we doing now in this stormy night?" Chuck asked.

"Brian and I were thinking we could watch a horror movie, Silent Hill to be more precise." I responded and Chuck and Joey nodded energetically.

"Seriously? A horror movie in a stormy night? How original!" Jen exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

The storm grew stronger and the wind started to rage, accompanied with constant thunder and lightning. The windows of the house shook and I could hear metal being blown around outside, causing a particular sound that I had to admit it was a bit scary. And all of a sudden all lights in the house went out, leaving us in complete darkness that was interrupted by short periods of light produced by lightning and accompanied with gasps and squeals from the girls. Great. A power outage.

"Oh, shit." Joey exclaimed.

"Where's your horror movie now, jackass?" Mandy asked with a chuckle.

"We don't need a horror movie. We can tell horror stories, instead. I'm willing to put into practice my passion for literature." Brian teased.

"That's a good one, bro." I encouraged, wishing I could see Mandy's face.

"Before starting planning what to do, wouldn't it better if we look for a flashlight or a candle, or anything to illuminate the room?" Freckles pointed out. "Jen, do have any of that?"

"Uh, no!" Jen huffed in frustration. "No, I don't have candles and I lost the flashlight."

"So what? Are we gonna stay in the dark?" Chuck questioned.

"Uh, well. Um... Actually we could go to the screened porch. The fireplace also works without electricity; but I don't know how to light a fire in a fireplace." Jen said hesitantly.

"Do you have logs, kindling, and tinder?" Brian asked.

"Yeah... They're already in the fireplace." Jen responded.

"Cool, then I can light the fire in the fireplace. I know how to do it." He said. "Maybe we'll need our phones to illuminate the way to the fireplace."

We all pulled out our phones and walked, carefully, to the screened porch as the wind was still hitting the windows. We entered the screened porch and Brian alone walked straight to the fireplace with his phone illuminating it. I looked down to find that my phone ran out of battery and turned off. I cursed in my mind and I heard a weird sound, coming from outside; probably the wind. I tried to turn on my phone again with no success; then I heard another kind of sound, and I was pretty sure that it was a sound as though someone was closing the sliding glass doors; perhaps it was Jen that was doing it to keep the room warm. When I looked up again to join someone, I noticed nobody else had their phone on. I literally couldn't see anything at all; just Brian who was still trying to light the fire. I decided to walk towards him with unsteady gait and trying to feel with my hands what was in front of me to not bump into anything. When I was near him and when I was about to speak, I noticed someone from behind covered my mouth and clutched me tightly. That was for sure Joey, and they probably wanted to make a prank on Brian, like scare him or something, so I found this kind of funny. That was what I thought until the person tied my hands and put a gag over my mouth; this was no longer funny. The person dragged me across the room and forced me to sit; I was almost sure that I was at the other side of the room. My back and my sides touched other bodies and I flinched. Then I noticed how a rope was tying me and whoever I had next and behind me. I couldn't see anything at all and I definitely couldn't move and utter a sound now. I could feel the other bodies shaking as me; I could hear choppy breaths that were muffled by the sound of the rain and thunders. Everything was dark until Brian managed to light the fire; he was at the other side. Now the room was dimly illuminated, creating a murky ambience. I quickly looked around to see what the hell was happening. I was tied next to Joey and Jen and behind me were Mandy, Chuck and Lucy. Their facial expressions reflected the same fear and agitation that I was feeling; also I could see that they had a gag over their mouths, too. I tried to see who has done this, but I couldn't find anyone; until my sight focused somewhere near Brian. Freckles was standing, her hands and legs tied, and her mouth with a gag; someone was clutching her as her body was fiercely trembling and tears were falling down her very pale cheeks. I looked at that someone; it was a man, but I couldn't tell who he was because he had a black balaclava on. Brian was clutching, giving us his back; and after a while, he stood up, cleansed his hands on his jeans, and finally and slowly, he turned around and looked up. When he looked up, he winded his eyes and gasped in horror; he was paralyzed.

"Well, hello, wanker." A vicious laughter came from behind us. Jim.

Jim finally stepped forward and now I could see him. A sense of rage ran through my veins when I saw his arrogant, bumptious face, looking at Brian with that cocky smirk. Brian attempted to move and grab something for self-defense or perhaps to attack Jim.

"Do not move, wanker!" Jim ranted.

Brian stopped abruptly when the person who was clutching Freckles showed up in front of Brian. His face went pale and he gasped when he saw that the dude who was clutching Freckles was aiming at her temple with a gun.

"That's how I want you, wanker: quiet and cautious not to do something stupid." Jim snickered as Brian returned his gaze to him.

The guy who was clutching Freckles took off his black balaclava and exposed his face. He turned his face around and smirked scornfully as I felt anger coming over my body. That fucking asshole was on Jim's team and I never became aware of it; but now that I knew, it was evident and reasonable.

"Hello, Jennifer." Jack winked and Jen looked at him with fear and fury. "I told you not to kick me out the house, baby. See what happened now!" He sighed while shaking his head, pretending to be afflicted. He was a psycho just as Jim. "If you hadn't done it, you'd have been safe by now; the only ones hurt would have been that wanker of Clerk, the asshole of the younger Criss and that Freckles whore. But you left me no option." He added and Jim laughed. Brian took advantage that nobody was seeing him to walk to the fireplace and grab the fire poker.

"Drop it, wanker!" Jim yelled madly and Jack pressed the muzzle of the gun against Freckles' temple as she let out a muffled shriek. Brian gulped and dropped the fire poker, his lips quivering in fear. "Do not do something stupid or Jack will not hesitate to pull the trigger. This is your second warning and there won't be a third, clear?" He clamored in a menacing way. "Now, would you do me the favor to see what's above these fuckers you have as friends?" Jim requested.

Brian looked up and dropped his mouth in fear. I also looked up and a chill ran over my body. There was a big plastic container with liquid in it that was hung by a rope and Jim was grasping the end of the rope.

"You know what it is, don't you?" He snickered ominously. "Sodium hydroxide." He responded and I flinched. "You know what it does? It completely dissolves the human body leaving nothing but a red sludge behind at the end. Would you like to see your friends dissolved in seconds?" He asked grimly and Brian clenched his jaw as I began to shiver. "No? Then you better stay quiet, wanker."

"What do you want?" Brian's voice trembled, but he was looking at Jim in a bold way.

"I'm here to know what you've chosen." Jim replied.

"What?" Brian asked a bit confused.

"The options I gave you. You surely read the letter." Jim responded and I looked down.

"What letter?" Brian asked rudely; apparently he was losing his temper.

"The letter I sent you the day when your retarded father was buried." Jim let out a high-pitched snicker and Brian frowned and narrowed his eyes. "Oh! You haven't read the letter, have you? Someone kept it from you! I wonder who the person that hid the letter is." He smirked viciously and turned his face to us. "Maybe the traitor bitch who risked her career to be with the whore of her little sister?" He asked looking at Mandy. "Nah, she's too stupid, noisy and she is always running off at the mouth. Maybe the insignificant, needy slut of Jennifer? No, she cannot do anything but trying to get your limp dick inside her cunt." He mocked derisively as Jen looked away, feeling angry. "Perhaps the faggot of Criss?" He said looking at me as I looked at him defiantly. "Um, no. I don't think so. The fucking queer has a big mouth and he's the one who incited to form a team with you, so he would have told you. The uninteresting older Criss, the irrelevant blonde girl, and the brainless dude with crooked jaw don't have the slight idea of who I am; so they haven't done it. So who has hidden the letter?" He tittered in a deranged way, looking straight at Freckles. "Aha! The whore!" He screeched doe-eyed, waggling his eyebrows. I saw how Freckles shot him a rabid look and how Brian looked at Freckles in confusion, and finally Freckles looked at Brian apologetically. "The whore hid the letter I wrote to you, wanker! What an obtrusive bitch!"

"Call her like that once more and I swear you'll be sorry to be alive." Brian clenched his jaw and closed a hand into a fist, looking aggressively into Jim's eyes.

"I truly believe you're in no position to threaten me, wanker. If I happen to hear another of your impertinent threats, I'll give Jack authorization to shoot your whore and I'll thoughtlessly drop this rope so that your friends will dissolve." Jim voiced coldly.

"Fuck you, Jim. I'm not scared of you." Brian replied challenging.

"Jack... Prove the wanker that we have no remorse of killing someone if he doesn't do what we command." Jim ordered and Brian looked at Jim and Jack a bit nervous.

Jack smirked with satisfaction and cruelty before he pulled back the hammer of the gun and aimed it at Freckles' left leg. Brian widened his eyes and Jack, without hesitating, shot the gun, the bullet piercing Freckles' leg. The sound was deafening and it even deadened the sound of the rain. A pool of blood poured out from Freckles' thigh in the same instant she let out a muffled, sharp howl of pain and blatant tears streamed down her cheeks. Brian shrieked and roared in horror, shock and wrath as Jim and Jack laughed. The rest of us were appalled and troubled, seeing how blood was flowing endlessly. Brian attempted to run to Freckles, but Jack pointed the gun at her right leg; thus Brian stopped abruptly.

"Jack! Be a little more considerate and remove the bullet from her body and apply direct pressure on her wound." Jim commanded as Jack did what he asked.

Freckles closed her eyes and let out another muffled and sharp squeal when Jack inserted his fingers on the wound and removed the bullet. After this, he took off his jacket and pressed it on her thigh before tying it around as a bandage. Brian was looking at Freckles deeply afflicted and concerned, breathing heavily.

"Good. Wanker! Now that you know what we're capable of doing, we can start having a conversation." Jim stated with a smile of pleasure as Brian shot him a look full of hatred. "We'll start with the letter... I gave you two options: Or you kill yourself or I kill your friends." He stated and I looked at Jim with contempt. "But I've come to realization that it's not useful to have you dead. Not yet. But don't worry! I won't kill your friends. Not yet." He giggled in a crazed way. "Do you remember the game we played some time ago in that alley?" He asked and Brian's eyes flared with anger. "We'll play a game again! Ah! How amusing!" His shrill voice echoed in the room. "Here's the thing... I've found out that the information you have about me is not the complete information you gave me in that pen drive. I found out that you have it saved on three other places. You tricked me, wanker." He frowned and Brian looked away, clenching his teeth. "I'll start saying that you have it saved on your laptop. It doesn't matter, because you left it in the apartment in Ann Arbor where you live with the faggot of Criss and the dude with crooked jaw. I hope you don't mind the fact that I broke in and stole it." He announced and I widened my eyes in horror as Brian looked at him nervously. "Then, you had it saved on a USB flash drive that you've sent to your retarded father when he was still alive. Well, thanks to Jack I know about it and thanks to him who took it, I have it now in my hands. Good thing is that you haven't noticed that box was missing." He laughed and Brian was starting to freak out now. That was the box he was talking about earlier. "But you have it somewhere else..." He whispered while frowning and narrowing his eyes.

Brian looked away very worried and began to gasp. Jim, slowly and still grasping the rope, walked towards Freckles and began to examine her. He ran his fingers through her hair and then he placed a thumb on her face and started brushing her cheek. Freckles frowned, closed her eyes and turned her face as Jim began to smell her. He started kissing her cheek and then sucking her neck while looking fixedly at Brian as tears were escaping Freckles' eyes and Brian was rabidly looking at Jim, clenching his fists. Then Jim parted and tittered before he closed his hand around her neck to strangle her. Freckles tried to gasp for air and cough, but she couldn't owing to the gag; so her face started to redden. Brian was now alarmed, so he stepped towards Jim; but Jack pressed the muzzle of the gun against Freckles' temple and this made Brian stop abruptly and bellow out of frustration and disturbance. Jim smirked in a heinous way, looking intently at Brian and he ripped the necklace that Freckles was wearing.

"You have that information here inside this pendant, don't you, wanker?" Jim laughed triumphantly and in a very deranged way as Brian looked at him completely horrified. Freckles opened her eyes, frowned and looked at Brian in shock. "Oh yeah! You have it here! You weren't expecting me to find about this one, were you?" He laughed loudly and I looked at Brian very concerned. Brian looked down and ran a hand through his hair, his hand trembling. "This is the last place where you have the information. And now the pendant is mine. It seems to me that now you don't have any information about me, which means that you can't do a damn thing to jeopardize my freedom! You know what that means? I win, wanker! I win!" He jumped and giggled madly. Brian, in shock, looked at Jim with teary eyes because of his fear and despondency. This couldn't be happening. "Why the sad and bummed-out face, wanker?" He mocked as Brian looked down and bit his lips, letting fall some tears. "Oh, no! Don't cry, wanker. I know you've done a hard work to find information that could imprison me and now everything went to hell and you lost it all. But think about this, wanker... At least you didn't lose your friends." Jim said with a disgusting gentle voice, pretending to be sad for Brian. Brian let out a sob and he shed more tears, still pointing his head downwards. "You should have understood since the beginning that you'll never win me, wanker. I'm going to admit that you were a worthy adversary and you made things hard for me; but at the end of the day, I will always win and you'll always lose; because that's what you are, a loser whose existence is good for nothing." He said with a sad look as Brian was wiping his tears away. "My friend, I know how I can cheer you up!" He exclaimed enthusiastically and I looked at him with so much hatred, despising him with all my being. "Another game, perhaps?" He said and it was such the rage I was feeling that I could get rid of these ropes and hit him to unconsciousness. He pulled out a gun and Brian looked at him expressionless but very intently. "Look at this baby! Isn't it precious?" Jim grinned while observing the gun with admiration. "Here's the thing. Due to your hard work, I'm going to reward you and I'm going to give you a chance to take revenge for what has happened. Hence, I'm gonna provide you this gun. A humble gift from me to you. With this gun, you are going to kill Jack, the guy who is willing to kill your whore at any moment." He said with a bright grin. Jack also smiled; he didn't seem to be worried, scared or surprised for what Jim said. "But if you don't kill Jack, I'm afraid that Jack is gonna kill your whore and I'm gonna drop this rope, so all of your friends will dissolve thanks to the sodium hydroxide." He added and Brian parted his lips and made a very distressed and troubled grimace. "If you kill Jack, I'm gonna call the cops and you'll be automatically imprisoned; but your friends will be safe and sound. I'm a man of words. If you don't kill Jack, you'll be safe and sound, but all of your friends will die. If you dare to shoot me, Jack will kill your whore and he's gonna make sure to drop the rope for me; he's gonna call the cops and you'll be imprisoned. So, I'll let you choose, wanker. You deserve to choose what you want." Jim smirked perversely.

Brian was looking down again, his lips quivering and his eyes shimmering with tears. Jim walked towards Brian, took him by the wrist and placed the gun on his hand; then he stepped back. Brian was weeping in silence, in abject despair.

"I'll give you five seconds to decide something, wanker." Jim announced and Brian shook his head. "One... Two... Three..." He counted. Brian was too devastated and paralyzed to do something. So I closed my eyes, thinking that no matter what Brian decided to do, all options would end up in a bad way and there was nothing we could do about. "Four..." The pace of my heart increased and I squeezed my eyes shut, as the waiting seemed to be eternal; the tension of the situation, oppressive; and the silence, abysmal. "Five." Jim's voice echoed in the room and time seemed to have stopped. The silence engulfed the room and after a dramatic pause, Jim spoke again. "Jack, kill the whore."

And the thunderous sound of the gun being shot deafened me.