Glad to see me? I know I am
Please forgive Gibby's inner monologue later in this chapter. I figure that when left to his own thoughts, he would ramble about random things and not double back, that seems to be his characterization in the show, and I know a lot of people are like that. (Guilty). So I rambled as well, and this is what pretty much came out. I ramble to solve problems...
I don't actually solve any problems…
…
"So…a date huh? That sounds…terrifying?" Gibby stated.
"Pretty much, it's like I'm going into the lion's den strapped with pounds and pounds of meat on my back and my only weapon is a turkey leg." Freddie replied. "And the messed up part about it is, that isn't even a metaphor."
"If that's your idea, then why even suggest a date with her?" he asked.
"Because I need to press the issue of me dating Sam to Carly. Simply telling Carly obviously wasn't enough, so I have to brave a date with the blonde haired bane of my existence to show Carly that this is for real." He replied.
"So how is Carly going to know you're going on a date with Sam?" he asked.
"Tell her obviously. She'll want to hang out and I'll tell her were going on a date." He said obviously. "And she'll be so heartbroken that she'll run into my arms and beg me to dump Sam, it's simple really."
"Dude, I say this because you're my bro, but I think you need to meet my therapist. She's a real nice lady I promise." Gibby said, putting a comforting hand on Freddie's shoulder.
"I don't need a therapist Gibby. I am a well adjusted teenage boy-" he started but Gibby finished for him.
"Who's going on a date with a girl he hates, to try to make another girl jealous, who in the six years they've known each other, has not expressed a single second of romantic feeling towards him." He said and Freddie glared at him.
"We dated for awhile…" he defended weakly.
"For what? Two days?" he said and Freddie rolled his eyes.
"Whatever Gibby. Point is, I don't need a therapist because this plan is totally going to work. When she sees us on a date, I know she's going to get jealous." He replied.
"But how is she going to see the date? I'm fairly certain a date involves only an even number of people, well unless you're a polygamist, in which case you probably shouldn't be out in public because it's against the law. On that note, how do those guys do it man? Remember that many birthdays and anniversaries? Unless he has a calendar or something…" he trailed off. "What were we talking about again?"
Freddie shook his head and refocused "We were talking about Carly seeing mine and Sam's date."
"Oh that's right. So how are you going to manage that?" he asked.
"I'm glad you asked." He said, grinning. "Carly needs a reason to go the exact places were going, so she sees us having a good time and-"
"How are you going to get Sam to have a good time?" Gibby interrupted.
"I'm going to stuff Sam with so much food she won't have a choice to look displeased. It's impossible for Sam to look mad or disappointed or anything while she has food in front of her." He replied.
"Ah, good plan." He agreed.
"So anyway, we need to get someone to take Carly to the restaurant and theatre were going to, but not make it look obvious." He said, still grinning at Gibby, who was oblivious.
"What about Dan Henson?" he asked and Freddie's face fell.
"No Gibby, he's a football player, and rule one is the guy can't be better looking than me, or taller, or bigger, or smarter you get the point." He said. "No, I was thinking someone else entirely. Someone who is a good friend to Carly, someone who will make sure she sees us, someone who enjoys taking his shirt off…"
"Who is that?" Gibby asked, still oblivious.
"Come on Gibby think about it. Who enjoys taking their shirt off? You know him." he hinted.
"Matthew McConaughey?" he asked.
"No! I was talking about you Gibby! Wait, you know Matthew McConaughey?" he asked.
"Were in the same clothing optional break dancing class." He said.
"Oh…can you get me an autograph?" he asked and Gibby nodded. "Cool. Anyway, I was talking about you Gibby."
"You want me to take Carly to follow you two?" he asked and Freddie nodded.
"Yeah. You and Carly are good friends, I can trust you to make sure she notices us, and you won't overshadow me." He said.
"Oh I see." He said, then realization dawned in his eyes. "Hey man, that's not cool. I'm a good looking guy!"
"I'm just saying that Carly doesn't see you as a possibly romantic partner. And don't get me wrong, you're a solid seven and half, but I think I'm at least an eight. At least according to that list in the girls bathroom stall." He said and Gibby gave him an odd look. "I convinced Carly to tell me what I was ranked one time."
He sighed "I can't argue though, you are pretty adorable."
"Gibby…" Freddie warned.
"Oh sorry, awkward comment again." He said sheepishly, looking down.
"Regain your man points." Freddie instructed.
"Um, chest hair, motorcycles, lifting weights, and Steven Seagal movies." He reeled off, looking back up and Freddie nodded.
"Good. Now, I want you to ask Carly to eat dinner with you and go to a movie with you, and I'm fairly certain she'll want to." He said.
"Why do you think that?" Gibby asked.
"Because, I'm telling Carly tonight that Sam and I are going on a date Friday night and she'll not want to spend a Friday night alone, and that's when you swoop in and offer to hang out with her on Friday, and she'll definitely say yes." Freddie explained and Gibby nodded.
"Any lines you have that will help me convince Carly to come with me?" he asked.
"Dude, if I had 'lines' that would make Carly go out with me, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Just calm down and say it's a friend thing, not a date you'll be fine. I need your help Gibby, can you step up to the plate?" he asked his friend.
"I'll step up to the plate, and score a touchdown in the bottom of the 18th hole for you buddy." He said with confidence.
"Maybe we should stick with Galaxy Wars references, we don't do sports too well." Freddie decided and Gibby shrugged.
"Maybe you're right."
…
"A date on Friday night?" Carly asked for clarification and both Sam and Freddie nodded. Gibby was off to the side, trying not to eavesdrop into the conversation, figuring it was supposed to be just between the threesome, even though he was dragged into this whole situation, based solely on the fact that he seemed to be Freddie's only guy friend. Well, one that he talked to regularly at least.
He sat on Carly's couch and fiddled with the loose threads that hung on the cushions, pondering if they would ever allow the threesome to become a foursome. He has plenty to contribute to the group! Comic relief, extensive knowledge of break dancing, a high threshold for pain (for Sam, obviously), and for God sakes, every group of friends needs a shirtless guy! Do they not know this?
But he figures he probably is already semi in the group anyway. Freddie likes him, Carly likes him, and Sam has a begrudging acceptance of him, which is the most he's ever going to get out of Sam. Can he officially call himself an iCarly-er? Because he would love to put that on his resume when he becomes a male model in his future. And maybe as a bumper sticker? Note to self, make iCarly bumper stickers.
Yeah, it will read "I've been on iCarly like a hundred times, what have you done with your life?" or "iCarly? It's Gnarly!" Does that even make sense? It rhymes at least, but he can do better. Plus, gnarly is just a terrible word. Its silent "G" is mocking you every time you write it with its uselessness, staring back at you, just daring for you to erase it, but then you would spell it wrong and fail English because for one, you spelled it wrong, and two, you have to be half an idiot to even put the word in an English assignment in the first place.
Stupid Mr. Howard. Oh I have a college education and tenure, and I'm sooo much better than you so I'm going to fail you for a stupid word and make you repeat the class with a bunch of bastard freshman that have barely begun to fight the losing battle against puberty, and they keep asking you if you've lost your "V-card" because they're too embarrassed to actually ask if you've banged a chick. Well you want the answer you little son of a bitch? Go ask your mother.
But that isn't really a nice thing to say. Plus most people who say mom jokes are just violent tools, who probably never even met your mother. They simply just can't come up with anything witty to say, so they revert to something every guy has in common, love for their mother.
Just look at Freddie. Even Gibby can tell he gets fed up with her all the time, but he never lets it get to him, because she's his mom. You don't mess with a guy's mom, it's part of the Man Code, article seventeen, section four, paragraph five. And he obeys the Man Code, tries to at least. But for some reason, people don't really go after girl's moms, it's odd.
Example, Sam and Carly. Sam doesn't give a shit, and people don't mess with her anyway, but no one talks about Carly's mom, especially since she isn't in the picture. Her Dad is though, kind of. He's someone military guy out on a submarine.
What would it be like in a submarine? He has to figure it would be kind of cool. All dark and stuff under the ocean, looking at fish and walruses. Do walruses live down in the ocean? But it would probably get cramped and stuff, and the food probably sucks. And how would you take a shower? Doesn't the water have to go somewhere? You can't just put a hole in a submarine to let water out, because you'll let water in… and what if you get swallowed by a giant whale?
Oh so THAT'S what the torpedoes are for. That makes sense, have to blast your way out somehow right? But the whale probably wouldn't like that, it would mess up his teeth and stuff, not to mention the whole "instantaneous death thing". That seems to be rather important.
"Gibby, earth to Gibby!"
He looked up to see Freddie looking down at him with an amused smile and an arched eyebrow, Sam standing next to him, chewing on a chicken leg, looking at him with disdain. "What were you thinking about?" he asked and Gibby shrugged.
"You know, the usual. You know what's a terrible word? Gnarly." He said as Freddie flopped down onto the couch next to him, Sam sitting across from them in a chair, not paying attention.
"Gnarly?" Freddie asked.
"Yeah, it's a terrible word. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth." He said.
"Gnarly ?" Freddie said, then mulled it over. "Wow, it is pretty terrible. Plus that whole silent "G" is weird."
"The silent "G" pisses me off! The word is almost as bad as moist." He said.
"Moist isn't all that bad." Freddie argued.
"Okay fine, think of your grandmother saying something is moist." He said and Freddie looked up, then suddenly looked appalled.
"That's terrible!" he said disgusted.
"I know right!" Gibby exclaimed.
"I'm not sure why I haven't said this earlier, but both of you, shut the hell up." Sam snapped and both went silent as she got up. "I'm going home, come along Fredward."
He groaned and got up "What is it now?" beginning to follow her out the door.
"My mom is dating a Spanish guy this week, and she needs a translator. Number 74." She said and Freddie rolled his eyes, before turning back towards Gibby.
"Carly's in the studio, go talk to her." He said and Gibby nodded as Freddie left the apartment. Gibby got up off the couch and ventured up the stairs, wondering why she went up in the first place.
He got to the studio and looked through the glass door to see her sitting in a bean bag, a book opened up in front of her. He opened the door "Sup Carly." He greeted and she turned around and smiled at him.
"Hey Gibby." She greeted, patting the bean bag next to her. He jumped down onto it and put his hands behind his head.
"So how's it going?" he asked and he saw her pause, then close the book in her lap.
"Can I talk to you about something?" she asked, turning towards him, sounding serious, and maybe a hint of apprehension.
"Yeah, what's on your mind?" he asked, not shifting his body, but listened intently.
"It's about Freddie and Sam." She said. "And I feel like you're the only person I can talk about this with." She said and he couldn't help but smirk.
Oh yeah, he's definitely in the group now.
"Well, shoot." He replied easily.
She sighed "I know I'm supposed to be the supportive best friend and all, and be totally okay with their relationship, but I don't know if I am." She began. "If they're going to run off together all the time and leave me alone, I don't know how long I can act like I'm cool with it you know?"
"Well, no one said you had to be okay with it. Hell, I'm pretty sure they expected you not to be okay with it." He replied.
"But that's the thing, I am okay with it, I think I am at least. My problem is with them, you know, leaving me." She said and he nodded.
"Third wheel thing?" he asked and she nodded.
"Yeah. I'm glad Sam found someone finally, and I'm…glad Freddie found someone, but not if it means I'm going to be uncomfortable for the rest of my life around both of them." She said and then she laughed shortly. "I probably sound so selfish right now."
"You can't help how you feel." He said.
"I just don't want to lose them is all. And that's why I said I had homework and went up here, I didn't really want to be around them if they're together, I would just feel too uncomfortable." She said and he felt a twinge of doubt creep up, wondering if he has to put her through spying on their "Date". But Freddie seems hell bent on this idea, and he didn't want to be one to mess it up. Let Freddie do that on his own.
"Well, it sucks to be on the outside, trust me I know, but as time goes by it will get better." He said and she smiled slightly. "But are you sure you just aren't jealous, even a little bit? You call me if you are." He said and she rolled her eyes with an amused smile.
"I am not jealous, I don't know why everyone keeps asking me that." She replied.
"Come on, your two best friends starting dating and you aren't just a little jealous? It's perfectly natural." He pressed and she shook her head.
"Nope, I'm just a little upset that apparently I can't spend as much as I want to with them anymore." She said.
"Hey, you still got me." He replied and she laughed and nodded.
"Oh thank God I still have a Gibby." She said.
"It's what I'm here for." He replied smoothly, causing her laugh some more. "So since they're going out on Friday, why don't you hang out with me?" he asked.
"I don't know." She teased. "What can you offer me?"
"I think the real question is, what can't I offer you?" he said.
"Are…are you flirting with me?" she asked with an arched eyebrow.
"Not at all, I'm just a Gibby trying to help a friend out who looks like she needs a person to talk to, and maybe a cheeseburger, you're looking pretty thin." He said and she rolled her eyes and nodded her head.
"Alright, we'll hang out Friday night. But no promises on the cheeseburger."