Teenage Dream

by Lucy Samb

You/ Darren Criss fanfic. The story is about your life with Darren in high school, college and professional life among friendship,love,fights,comings and goings and how you both go through serious stuff such as bullying,suicide,discrimination and life itself. It starts when you meet Darren, a guy of your school in St. Ignatius College Preparatory who never noticed you, a loser.

69. Blanket

A/N: Hi guys! How are you? Guess what? After 6 years of hard work, study, struggles and new experiences, I'm an official architect now! Finally! I had the best of the results, more than the expected, so I'm super happy! Tomorrow morning I move out to live in another city and I still have to pack absolutely everything. This is the reason why I won't be able to answer the reviews as usual, I would, but I hope you can't understand that I have no time. I read them all, though; and I will definitely reply them in the next chapter. Even though I've got a lot of things to do, I wanted to update the story as I promised! Now, I don't know when I will update the next chapter because I will not have internet the first months (I'll live alone and I'm poor!); but as soon as I get internet I'll update the last chapter I have written… Because also I didn't have time to write and I don't think I will have time in the next months (I have to look for jobs and all that to pay the rent and bills!). Thank you very much for your reviews, thank you for reading the story, and thank you very much for sticking with this story, I hope you do it till the end! I know the last chapter ended in a sad way, and I'm sorry! It was sad to write, too, if that helps a little.

I wish you the very best! Good luck in everything you do. I send you lots of hugs, courage and positivity. Until the next time, beautiful people! Warm fuzzies!

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TEENAGE DREAM

Chapter 69

Blanket

---

I was in the emergency waiting room of U-M Health System hospital, continually looking around to see if Freckles happened to appear. It was awful to be there not knowing a damn shit about Brian while seeing how emergency physicians were constantly running from the main entrance to the hallway and vice versa, all the time aiding injured people. Not to talk about the amount of people screaming and crying, both injured people and their relatives or friends, in the dismal ambience of the emergency room with those blinding fluorescent lamps and that gross smell proper of a hospital. I heard a doctor informing a woman that her child has passed away and the mourning of that woman was devastating. I asked three times to the nurse at the reception about Brian, and the three times she answered the same:

"Sorry, sir. I'm afraid I can't provide you such information."

Fuck that nurse, fuck this hospital, fuck Jim. I was sitting, running my hands through my hair and face, rubbing my knees, cracking my knuckles, feeling very edgy, concerned, and disturbed. I was glad that Greg called the police as we agreed, if it hadn't been thanks to him, the ambulance would have never arrived to aid Brian. I was also mad at Jim; I couldn't believe he managed to escape, that he was still free after he shot Brian, that the police didn't catch him. And I was feeling extremely guilty. I knew all of this was in part my fault. If I hadn't stubbornly insisted to go to that house, none of this would have happened and Brian probably would have been alive; because I heard when one of the dudes said that Brian was manipulating Jim and he would have been safe and sound if I hadn't been caught by one of them and if Jim hadn't seen me. If I hadn't thrown the gun to Freckles, Jim would have never aimed Freckles and Brian wouldn't have had need to take the bullets in order to save Freckles, I wouldn't have been in this damn emergency room waiting for any kind of information about Brian's condition. Another thing that was tormenting me and was making me feel like shit was the fact that in these last days I've been treating Brian like crap and I've acted like a real dickhead; our last conversation was all about me insulting him. And now all I could think about was that, and hopefully not, the last words he heard from me when he was alive was that I hated him and that he was a damn jackass and a friggin scumbag and he would never know that it was anything but. He would never know that he was my bro friend. No, he couldn't die; I needed to stick to the positive, he was gonna get through this. As hard as I tried, I couldn't take off of my mind the image of his face when the emergency physicians were taking him to the ambulance: His very pale face, his purple lips, his eyes lost; I swear I could see his life slowly slipping away from him. But Brian made me a promise: He will see us again and we will see him again, safe and sound. Brian never broke a promise, he couldn't break this promise, he was gonna be fine because he made that promise. It was a fucking promise. I was starting to get agitated and very frustrated and mad at myself when suddenly I saw how one of the emergency room doors leading into the hallway was opened. Few doctors headed out the room and, behind them, I saw Freckles. She was entering the emergency waiting room with shuffling walk, she was as pale as the shade of a cloud, her unblinking eyes were blank and expressionless, her mouth was slightly parted and her cheeks had wet tracks of tears that had fallen from her eyes. She seemed to be faraway, out in space, abstracted and shocked. I started feeling a sharp pain in my chest and when her blank stare fixed on me, I felt how everything was falling apart. She didn't have to say a word for me to understand what happened. I walked towards her with unsteady gait and blurred vision; it never felt so far the short distance that separated us, as though with each step I was taking forward, she was getting away; it never felt so hard to hold back my tears; it never felt so agonizing the devastation I was feeling. When I reached her, I clasped her in my arms and she clasped me in hers; and I broke. I buried my head in hers and I broke into tears; I didn't even bother to try to keep my crying silent; it came with great heaving sobs and loud wails, and instead of releasing the pain I was feeling, it was making it worse, it was making it real. I was making real what all this time I tried to pretend it was a distant possibility.

"Brian is dead." Freckles whimpered as she was wetting my shirt with her tears.

She confirmed what I already realized since I saw her coming out from that room. She just made it even more real. It was the end. Brian will never know that he was my best friend. Brian will never grow old with us, he will never share more experiences with us, he will never see us again. We will never see him again. The promise was broken.

"His last words..." Freckles wept and wailed. "His last words were: I fulfilled my life purpose."

His life purpose. His purpose in our team: "My purpose is and it's always been to keep you safe and protect you." He was dead because he tried to protect Freckles from the bullets; he was dead because he dealt with Jim and his past in order to imprison him and to keep us safe. He was dead because of Jim's fault, because of our fault, because of the doctors' fault, because of this fucking world's fault. There were many ways you could take a friend's death, two of them were: mournfulness and madness. And I was mad at myself for throwing the gun at Freckles, I was mad at Freckles for grabbing that gun, I was mad at Brian for covering Freckles, I was mad at the bullets who pierced his back, I was mad at Jim who shot that gun, I was mad at the doctors who didn't save him, I was mad at the nurse who didn't allow me to see him, I was mad at this damn hospital, I was mad at death. I was so fucking mad at the world and its shit. I was mad, and frustrated, and grief-stricken. And I lost my best friend. He was dead, and he will never be back, and he was selfish. He was selfish for leaving us alone in this damn world without him, for leaving us behind, for leaving us with this heartrending heartache. I was mad at Brian because he should have struggled a little more to remain alive. But what was the point of being mad if I'd never be able to insult him because of my madness and unfriend him on Facebook, and then apologize, and then return to be friends again, and the friend him on Facebook again, and then laugh at our silly argument? I no longer had my friend to unfriend and then friend again... If only it was that easy like on Facebook where I could press the 'Add Friend' button. But this was fucking real life and in real life there was not a fucking 'Revive Friend' button. Fuck those people who say that life is like a video game in which if you lose, you can start again and continue playing. Real life is none like a video game; if the game is over, you can't have an extra life. Brian couldn't have an extra life. So fuck those people and fuck the people who say that everything happens for a good reason. What was the damn good reason here? There was no good reason for Brian to be dead. My tears of sadness were now tears of extreme anger and frustration.

"I'm so mad! So fucking mad! I want to fucking kick this moronic fucking world in the fucking teeth over and over till it fucking understands that not killing innocent people for fucking unfair reasons is ten fucking thousand times more important than the fucking air that moronic fucking killers breathe." I wept and cursed in frustration, clenching my teeth as the hot tears of wrath were falling on Freckles' head. "We didn't even have the time to enjoy the annulment of his death sentence. We should have been celebrating that he was alive, not grieving his death. This is so fucking unfair and it drives me so fucking mad." I added with strangulated and panting voice. Freckles parted and looked at me with a pair of sunken and teary eyes as some doctors were running to the room from where Freckles came out.

"You shouldn't be mad at the world, you should be mad at me, because I killed him." Her words made me feel a pang in my heart. "You and I both know that Brian would have been alive if he hadn't took the bullets that were directed to me. You and I both know that Brian would have been alive if I hadn't played being the badass girl to cause Jim kidnap me to then ask Brian to rescue me. You and I both know that Brian would have been alive if I hadn't asked him to investigate about Jim and that damn night in the hotel room. Jim was the one who shot the gun, but I am the one who led Brian to his own death. It's always been me, always me the cause of his death." She articulated with choked voice as tears were continuously streaming down her face. "He said he fulfilled his life purpose and his life purpose was to die in order to save me. I am the one who killed him." She held her face in hands and cried in such a way that felt heartbreaking.

Madness and mournfulness; and remorsefulness. I was mad and mournful. Freckles was mournful and remorseful. We shared the mournfulness factor. And just as her mournfulness soothed my madness; maybe my mournfulness would soothe her remorsefulness. What a sad thing to do to reassure someone with the mournfulness we were feeling. What a sad thing to feel when mournfulness was all we had left.

"Freckles..." I picked up her chin and wiped her tears away even if I couldn't wipe my own. "Brian's life purpose wasn't to die in order to save you. His purpose was and it'd always been to keep us safe and protect us. It just turned out that to keep us safe he had to die. But he died doing his purpose."

My voice cracked when I put in my mouth the words Brian told me hours ago, when he was still alive. It was horrible to be putting in my mouth Brian's words and realize that no words will come out of his own mouth again. It was horrible to be saying those words in past tense and realize there will be no more present tense for Brian. There will be no more present with Brian.

"He died doing his purpose. And I'm still alive and I didn't do mine and I'll never be able to do mine. I didn't take care of him and now I can no longer take care of him because this fucking world took him away!" I yelled in frustration with strangulated voice.

I covered my face with my shaky hand before falling on my knees. I fell apart, I crumbled, I wasn't strong enough to deal with my friend's death. I didn't know how to deal with a friend's death and I didn't want to do it. I didn't want him to be dead. I was dissolved into a puddle of tears, this time the tears were also out of remorse and sorrow.

"How am I supposed to take care of him now? Tell me how!" I yelled again and my yell was blended with Freckles' wail. I heard heavy steps walking to where we were.

"Sir, this is a hospital. You must remain quiet." A nurse said and I uncovered my face to look at her full of anger, suddenly standing up in a threatening way.

"I don't fucking care about the damn rules of this fucking hospital! My friend is dead! This fucking hospital didn't do a damn shit to save my friend! How you dare to ask me to remain quiet? Goddammit! My friend is fucking dead!" I yelled again madly.

I heard Freckles sobbing and whimpering next to me. I noticed how people looked at me flabbergasted, but I didn't give a damn. I saw two security dudes walking towards me, but I didn't give a damn.

"You must leave, sir." The nurse ordered as though she didn't hear any of what I said.

"Have you ever had to suffer the death of your friend? Fuck, I don't think so! If you had, then you wouldn't have asked me to shut my fucking mouth! My friend is dead and you ask me to be quiet? What is your fucking problem?" I screamed with throaty voice as the security dudes took me by the armpits. "This is the problem with the damn hospitals! They don't give a damn shit if someone dies because for them people who die are just dead bodies as if they were a fucking object, as if they never had a life, a soul, a future!" I continued shouting at the top of my lungs as the security dudes were dragging me to the main entrance and Freckles, with tears in her eyes, was following me. "My friend wasn't just a body! My friend was called Brian Thomas Clerk, he was 21 years old and he was going to be the best writer in the world! He had a lot of stories to tell to his grandchildren that he will never have now! He had a hard but vivid life, the kindest soul and a brilliant future ahead! That was my friend!" I screamed with ragged voice and tears in my eyes as the security dudes kicked me out and closed the doors. "Fuck you all!" I yelled while pointing at them with my forefinger, panting and shedding tears.

I turned around and attempted to walk away, but I felt too weak to walk, too dizzy to have any kind of orientation, and too clouded to see anything. Therefore, I let myself fall on my butt on the ground, bringing my legs to my chest and burying my face on my knees to cry. Brian wasn't a body; he was a human, he was young, he had a future, he had dreams that now will never be accomplished. We were supposed to be lifelong friends, we were not meant to be separated by the world of the living and the world of the dead. I felt a pair of arms enfolding me and I felt a small kiss on the top of my head.

"He was Brian Thomas Clerk, a 21-year-old writer, who was born on November 22, 1985 in San Francisco and died on February 1, 2007 in Ann Arbor. He was a human being who had the kindest soul and a brilliant future ahead, who was going to get married, have children and grandchildren and who was going to share his life with the friends who love him to pieces. He was a person whose dreams will never come true but whose life purpose was fulfilled. Brian Thomas Clerk was a person with soul who was deeply loved and will always be deeply loved and dearly missed. That was our friend." Freckles' brittle voice whispered in my ear as her tears and my tears hit our holding hands.

"Why, Freckles? Why him?" I tried to find an answer in her eyes full of tears.

"Because it always rains hardest on the people who deserve the sun. This time the rain took away his sun." Through my blurred eyes, I saw her desolate tears racing down her cheeks. I never hated the rain more than now.

Both Freckles and I went to my apartment. We had to tell the rest about Brian. How the hell were we supposed to tell that? 'Hey, our friend Brian, the one you saw hours ago, the one who was alive and kicking, is dead.' It made no sense, nothing made sense. When we entered the apartment, we saw Joey laughing, skyping with Mandy, as if everything was normal, as if life continued when one life died. Life was still going on, without Brian. I thought about the bitter irony of that: How life continued its course normally for some people, unaware that for some others life changed its course deliberately, unaware that the normal course of their life was about to be deliberately changed.

"Hey, baby, wait! You won't guess who just arrived! Darren and your sister! Say hello to them!" Joey exclaimed happily. He turned his laptop and we saw Mandy's face.

"Hi, idiots!" She greeted as happily as Joey. How could someone be happy? Neither Freckles nor I smiled. How could we? Life was no longer normal for us, unlike for them.

"Why the long faces, guys? Have you seen The Dark Lord?" Joey joked with a giggle and it was followed by Mandy's giggle.

Both Freckles and I looked down. One of us had to tell the news, they had to know, the course of their normal life had to deliberately change. And I knew Freckles wouldn't say anything because she couldn't speak; she was already in tears. There was no subtle nor delicate way to say this, and if there was a way, the pain I was feeling wouldn't allow me to think about it; thus, I said it bluntly.

"Brian died." I heard my guttural voice echoing in the room as the sound of laughter abruptly ceased. Their face went pale and both of them widened their eyes in shock.

"That's not a funny joke." Mandy's voice from the laptop sounded wobbly. Freckles whimpered and held her face in hands as I looked down. An abysmal silence engulfed the room. "Tell me it was one bad joke." Mandy requested, now her voice sounding wheezy. I didn't answer. "Sister? Darren was joking, wasn't he?" She asked and she started sounding desperate as Joey was frozen, his puzzled stare fixed on us. Freckles, as an answer, whimpered louder. "It isn't a joke?" Her voice cracked.

"I wish it could be a joke." I managed to utter with strangled voice before breaking into tears again. Both Mandy and Joey dropped their jaw. "I wish this shitty world could be a fucking joke. But nothing is a fucking joke and it hurts!" I let out a muffled growl in between the hot tears of madness I was shedding. "It fucking hurts."

---

You returned to your dorm room two days later. You weren't ready yet, but you had to. If anything, you'd never be ready. When you lose a best friend, no time is time to be ready to face a world without him. You went alone because you wanted to be alone, you wanted this moment to be only about you and him, even if there was no longer a 'him'. It was when you opened the door and entered the room when you felt the same emptiness you were feeling in your heart, the same agonizing silence that was also in your heart ever since Brian died. Brian wasn't there, waiting for you with one of his delicious meals or with a mug of cafe mocha he made especially for you, because he knew it was your favorite and he knew it would bring you a smile. You looked all around, as if trying to find him, as if expecting this was a nightmare and he would soon come out from the bathroom telling you that he finished writing something for college and he wanted to read it to you so that you could give him your opinion. But he wouldn't come out from the bathroom and you would never hear the sound of his voice again, you would never read a new text he wrote again. You looked at the table and saw the mug with cold coffee he left unfinished two mornings ago, next to an unfinished article about politics and American people he was writing for one of his courses, the top of the pen on the floor, the nerdy glasses on a book by Paul Johnson entitled 'A History of the American People'. You looked at the fridge and saw a note he hung, one note you haven't read yet. It said:

"Sunny, I made sandwiches and put some in the fridge for you. I'll try to go to the movie set; if I can't, I'll see you tonight. Love, Brian."

You opened the fridge door and saw two sandwiches, the last meal he cooked that you'd eat. You never saw him 'tonight'. When he wrote that note, neither he nor you suspected that there would be no more 'tonight' for him. You headed to the bedroom and saw his unmade bed, another book on it along with two polo shirts that he apparently was deciding to wear the day he died. You walked to the closet and saw all of his few clothes and shoes he will never wear again. You grabbed the white and green striped pullover, the one you adored how it looked on him because it matched with his pale green eyes that will never twinkle again, and you put it on. You brought the collar of the pullover to your nose and smelled it: It still had his aroma. Among his clothes, you saw the famous gray box; you grabbed it and walked to what used to be his bed. You carefully opened it and saw everything inside, read every text again as if for the first time, this time in a more proper way than the way you read it before; this time there was no anger and confusion, this time you read them with the love it deserved to be read. You saw something new in his box: The painting of the sunrise you painted for him the day he took you to the rooftop. You saw the tears he shed on the paper that day and you touched them before placing the painting in the box in order not to ruin his tears with yours. But before you could close the box, you saw a piece of paper with Brian's handwriting that you haven't seen before; it was a letter to you and when you saw the date, you realized he wrote it when he was in prison, when the sentence wasn't undone yet.

Dear Sunny,

I'm writing to you so that by the time I leave this world, I can leave you something of mine, even if it cannot be more than words. I've been having a hard time to connect all I want to tell you, there's so many things that I don't think I can express it. That's the secret writers have been trying to hide all this time: Words are never enough when what you have to say overflows the soul. What I want to tell you overflows my soul, because you overflow my soul. So I won't be pretentious and I won't write as a the writer I once dreamed to be, I'll write you as a person who has loved you deeply; I'll write you with the simplicity that characterizes you, but with the complexity of subliminal and deep characteristics that involves your simplicity. Because you are that: You are simple but very complex, and that mystery is what has always made you beautifully special. Therefore, with my simple words I will say a lot of complex things, or that is what I'll intend to do.

I love you. I don't love you in the way lovers love each other, or in the way a parent loves their children, not even in the way moon loves the sun. I love you in the way a child loves their blanket and, please, let me elaborate this feeling. There's certain innocence and purity in this kind of love, it's a love in which it doesn't matter if it's an unrequited love or not, because that fact won't make you love your blanket any less. It is your blanket, even if that blanket belonged to someone else before and if it belonged to someone else after you. It is your blanket that was always there when you were cold, that sheltered you and gave you warmth and comfort, that let you cuddle with it, that protected you from your nightmares, monsters and demons; that shared with you long nights under the stars when you were chilling out, that was part of endless games and adventures, that heard your laughter and took your tears and pain, that knew all your deep secrets and stayed with you even after knowing the truth about you. It is your blanket that makes you smile whenever you think about it, that blanket you miss when you don't have it with you, that blanket you'll always want to see again and will never fail to make you feel warm inside when you see it, the blanket that you wouldn't change for anything in the world and that you'd want to keep with you until your dying day. You were and you are my blanket; you will always be my blanket until the very end. And I love you. In less than a week I'll have to leave my blanket because I can't take it with me to where I'm going. You must remember that even if this person who had you as his blanket leaves this world, your world keeps going and it is a wonderful world. You must not let sadness win you, you must be strong and walk with your head held high because you are in the world to be happy. Perhaps at first is gonna be hard, but you will be the blanket for someone else and that someone will love you. Both you and I know who that person must be; the person who also loves you as a child loves their blanket. I wish and I believe you will have your happy ending. I already had mine: I had my blanket until my end.

Now, please, hold out your pinky finger, we have a pinky promise to make. Pinky promise that you won't weep because I'm no longer here, that you will remember me and smile, that you will live your life happily and to the fullest. It is a pinky promise now, and we both know that we cannot break a pinky promise.

I wish you the very best for this life, my blanket. Remember that I will listen for your voice in the distance and I will carry your smile with me everywhere, even after life. I'll be waiting for you in another life where we will do everything that in this life we didn't get to do together.

Forever yours,

Brian Thomas Clerk.

Your hands were shaking and your eyes full of tears when you finished reading the letter. He forgot to mention that when an owner leaves their blanket, the blanket is usually torn and with hard chances to be mended. You put the letter in the box and the box on the nightstand. You wiped your tears away with the cuffs of Brian's pullover, lay down in what used to be his bed and covered with the sheets and quilts. You inhaled to smell his aroma that was still impregnated in them. It's crazy how a simple smell can bring you lots of vivid memories; and it's crazy how as the smell evaporates, the vivid memories evaporates along with it, turning them into distant memories of something and someone who used to be but who no longer is. Although it hurt, you wanted to live this moment of remembering your best friend. Sometimes it is necessary to feel your pain in order to realize that even though what you loved no longer exists, it was wonderful while it existed; because it is impossible not to feel pain, but when you do it, your pain turns into something positive, a reminder that you are alive and what you loved also had the chance to be alive. Wasn't it what mattered at the end of the day? Brian had had the chance to be alive and you had the blessing to share with him his living days. It was very late at night when your tears dried and you rolled onto your side. You hugged his pillow and cuddled with it. His aroma was evaporating; you only had few hours before it evaporated forever. You closed your eyes and engulfed in Brian's aroma; and you pretended that instead of hugging the pillow, you were hugging him; and instead of talking to the pillow, you were talking to him. And these would be the last hours you had left to tell him the last words.

"Hey, Bri..." Your voice echoed in the empty room. You tried to picture this was just one of those comfortable silences you used to share. "I never told you this, but I think it's time for you to know. I have a series of confessions to make." You whispered and made a dramatic pause. "Remember that day when you got very mad because Sawyer jumped into the table and spilled coffee in your book? Well, Sawyer never jumped into the table. It was me the one who spilled coffee in your book because I accidentally nudged the mug. I guess you knew it, but you were expecting me to confess it. I never did because I thought you'd hate me and I didn't want it. It was a silly thing but I felt so bad when I ruined your book." You giggled softly and you heard his laugh in your mind. You smiled because now you were seeing his face. "Then, you remember your book 'To the Lighthouse' by Virginia Woolf that went missing? Well, I kinda took it borrowed without your permission. I was gonna return it to you, but I gave it to Meredith to read it, and then when she finished reading it, I kept forgetting to return it to you. I have it here if you still want it. It is a good book, I understand why you were sad when you thought you lost it." You confessed and you pictured his face looking at you severely but amused because you never told him you had his book. "Then... I wanna tell you that I actually bought you a special Christmas gift, but I never gave it to you. We didn't have a good Christmas, and after that I was trying to find the perfect moment to give it to you. I never realized that the perfect moment was at all times when you were with me. I made the decision to give it to you on Valentine's Day; but I guess we won't have a Valentine's Day together now. I'll spoil you the gift: Virginia Woolf said it best when she wrote that a person must have money and a room of their own if they are to write fiction. So, I asked Mandy if I could borrow her money and I bought you a room in a building in Los Angeles because I remember you once told me you wanted to live there when you grow up; it is very small but I decorated it and made it look cozy. I think you would have liked it." You grinned and you saw his sweet smile muttering 'Thank you' with his shiny green eyes. He was happy and you knew he loved it. "I have a lot of confessions to make, but I'm running out of time. I can feel it. I can feel you slipping away from here. So I will tell you one last confession, a very important one." You said while burying your head in the pillow, hugging it very tightly, trying to smell the aroma that was getting harder to smell. "I told you 'I love you' a thousands of times. But I never told you 'I'm in love with you'. You may think it's because I never got to fall in love with you, but that's not true and I should have told you. I fell in love with you. And it felt wondrous." You confessed and Brian was very silent, looking at you completely amazed. You gave him a fond smile. "You know when I realized I was in love with you? I started feeling like I was falling in love with you before the day I realized and admitted it. It was the day when you took me to the rooftop to watch the sunrise, when you requested me to paint for you. It was when I felt the warmth of your embrace in the cold dawn. It was when I saw your face taking in the sun's golden rays. It was when I surreptitiously looked into your breathtaking green eyes shining and reflecting the sunrise in the pupils of your eyes. It was when I realized that you were the only inspiration I needed to paint. It was when I felt truly loved and truly in love, I was engrossed in a sort of mystical wonderment." You whispered looking at Brian, whose face was becoming blurred as the aroma was evaporating. "I fell in love with you, Bri. And I'm so sorry I never told you so. But here I am now, confessing that the girl you were in love with was also in love with you." Your strangled voice came out of your mouth that was drawing a smile. You could hardly see Brian's face, but you saw his fond green eyes, you saw how his eyes twinkled. "Hold on, Bri. Don't leave me yet. I have another thing to tell you and you must hear it." You voiced a bit desperate as his aroma was hardly smelled. Your eyes glimmered with tears and you cleared your throat to be able to speak. "I am blessed, so blessed to have met you. For as long you were alive, you filled my days with happiness and love; and I know that death won't change it. You will still fill my days with happiness and love, because even though we are separated by this line that divides the living from the dead, you are still alive in my heart. Your words are inked in my heart and I'll always look at your green eyes and your sweet smile when I close my eyes. I hope that wherever you are now, you can feel my love. Wait, Bri, please, don't leave me yet." Your choked voice blended with a whimper as you could only see his eyes. You held out your pinky finger. "Pinky promise that I won't weep because you are no longer here, that I will remember you and smile, that I will live my life happily and to the fullest. I love you like a blanket loves their children and I will always be your blanket. I wish you the very best for that other life you have now, my adorable boy. I'll look for you in that another life where you already are and where we will do everything that in this life we didn't get to do together. Forever yours."

You tightened your hold and kissed the pillow. You broke into tears when you could no longer smell his aroma and you could no longer see him. Your time was over and he was gone, and with his departure he brought an immense emptiness in your heart that was filled with pain. You were aware that you made the pinky promise of not weeping for him, but for this night only you could make an exception. For this night only you were allowed to feel the pain of losing your best friend, the person who knew you more than anyone else. The person who saved your life countless times. You held a picture of him and sang in a whisper.

Since you're gone

There is an empty space

Since you're gone

The world is not the same

I go back to the places we've been

It feels like you're still there

I live all those moments again

Wishing you were here

Since you're gone

There is a lonely heart

Since you're gone

Nothin' is like it was

There are memories all over the place

Bringin' it back all so clear

Remember all of those days

Wishing you were here

All those lonely nights

I gotta fight for you, yes I do

Yes I do

Since you're gone

There is a heart that bleeds

Since you're gone

I'm not the woman I used to be

I follow your steps in the snow

The traces disappear

We know what we've lost when it's gone

I'm wishing you were here

All those lonely nights

I gotta fight for you, yes I do

Yes I do

And Brian spoke, in your mind.

"I fulfilled my life purpose. Love... you."

---

We went to Freckles' dorm room the day after she returned there. She wouldn't pick up the calls and she wouldn't leave the room, and we knew she was probably the one who was suffering Brian's dead the most; they were best friends and they'd dated for a while, after all. Mandy arrived last night and stayed at our apartment and Jen, Chuck and Lucy arrived this morning. I knocked the door a second time. I knew she wouldn't open the door, so thankfully I asked Meredith if she could lend me the keys of the room. When I opened the door, we saw Freckles sitting on the couch with a cup of tea in her hands and her blank stare fixed on one random point; her hair was disheveled and dirty, her face was haggard, her eyes puffy and red, and she was wearing one of Brian's pullovers. I didn't know if she didn't notice that we were there or if she was pretending not to have noticed it, because she didn't make any movement. Mandy was the first who walked to her sister; she sat on the arm of the couch and put an arm over her shoulder.

"Sister?" Mandy's voice sounded hoarse. Freckles finally turned her face to look at Mandy and grinned weakly. "Sister... When was the last time you showered?" She asked frowning and Freckles shrugged indifferently. "Okay, you're gonna shower now and then all of us are gonna eat something. Okay?" She asked and Freckles shrugged and stood up without glancing at us.

We observed Freckles walking to the bathroom very slowly and once she entered, Mandy broke into tears. I've never seen Mandy crying as much as she's been crying since she arrived to Ann Arbor. Joey walked towards her and embraced her tightly, kissing the top of her head. Chuck and Lucy sat at the table as Jen was standing in front of a bookshelf, holding a photo of Freckles and Brian, smiling sadly. No one spoke. Now our meetings were filled with these tormenting silences that were the result of being hurt and distressed. But I was still mad at the world, so I couldn't feel the affliction, just complete madness. Taking advantage that everybody was in their own isolated bubble of grief, I walked to the bathroom door and knocked.

"Freckles, it's me. Can I come in?" I asked softly.

"Sure." She spoke for the first time and her voice sounded very gruff.

I opened the door slowly and when I entered, I closed it behind me. Freckles was actually taking a bath and she didn't draw the curtains. She was resting the back of her head against the wall and her eyes were closed. I tried not to look at her in order not to make this awkward and I sat on the toilet, looking away.

"How are you, Freckles?" I asked gently, looking at the white tiles of the floor.

"Fine." She responded with a jaded sigh.

"Freckles, it's me. You can tell me the truth." I replied, wanting to see her face, but staring the tiles.

"I'm fine." She repeated. "I'm still hurt as fuck. But I feel fine." She added. Well, at least she was being a bit more honest. "How about you?"

"Still mad as fuck." I shrugged and sighed.

"You're hurting yourself that way, Darren." She suddenly said. "You're not actually mad. You are pained and you're trying to be mad in order to dismiss your pain." She stated as if she was very sure of what I was feeling, so I puckered my brows and clenched my jaw. "But you gotta feel your pain, you gotta let your pain destroy you, you gotta let your pain transform into those tears you're holding back. It's the only way you will feel hurt, but fine as I am."

"I'm not like you, Freckles." I responded and gulped.

"That's right. But I know you more than anyone else." She answered calmly and I turned my face in the opposite direction from where she was so that she wouldn't see the sudden anguish I felt, because she was right. "Come sit next to the bathtub." She requested softly.

"Uh, I'm fine here." I babbled, keeping my eyes off of her.

"What are you really afraid of? Of seeing me naked as you've already seen me in high school? Or of me seeing the sadness in your eyes that you're trying to hide?" She asked with smooth voice as I raised my eyebrows and bit my lips.

"You always know what to ask in the right moment, don't you? And you already know the answer, don't you?" I asked and I finally dared to look at her. She was looking intently at me, a faint grin on her face.

"Yes, I already know the answer. And I promise that, if you want, I won't tell anybody about your sadness." She responded and I nodded.

I stood up and walked to the bathtub. I sat on the rug next to it and rested my back on the wall. I stayed looking down for a while, until I felt Freckles' wet kiss on my temple. I turned my face and looked into her eyes that were fixedly staring at me. For some odd reason, as soon as I looked into her kind eyes, my eyes flooded with tears and my lips started quivering until, all of a sudden and precipitously, a stream of tears fell down my face. And I felt like I would never be able to stop crying because Freckles was right, I was holding back my pain, I was hiding it, I was dismissing it in order not to break down. I heard the sound of water and then I felt Freckles' wet arms embracing me as I rested my forehead on her wet shoulder. I felt the pain destroying me as she said. And it was very hurtful, physically and emotionally hurtful.

"There you go, Darebear. You deserve to feel your pain. Feel the pain breaking your heart, feel the pain ripping your soul apart, and know that this pain is real." She whispered and what she was saying was intensifying the pain, my breath seemed to have stuck in my throat. A loud sob came out of my mouth and she ran her fingers through my curls. "Then know that your open wound will be healed, know that it will be healed by the blessing to have shared part of your life with him, know that you will be fine because we are alive to live a happy life and that it is real, too." Her mellow voice whispered confidently in my ear as I was choking on my tears.

I didn't know how long it lasted this heart-wrenching crying, but it was long enough until the sobs and wails ceased, until the noisy and hysterical crying turned into a pair of silent tears rolling down my cheeks, and until the last tear dripped into my mouth and all that remained was a sense of heaviness in my heart that replaced the pain. I was resting one side of my face on the rim of the bathtub with my eyes wide open but my gaze blank as Freckles was smoothly stroking my hair. My face felt stiff owning to the dry tears until Freckles, gently, placed her wet hands on my face to wash it. I let her do it and when she finished, I gave her one faint but grateful grin.

"I haven't admitted that Brian passed away until I sat right here and looked into your eyes." I confessed, my voice sounding croaky.

"I know." Her thumbs brushed my cheeks.

"It was so hard to admit that he will no longer be around us." My voice cracked, yet I didn't shed any single tear because I had already shed them all. "I guess what hurts most is that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. If only he could be here one more day..." My throat tightened, so I gulped. She was very silent, she was letting me talk, she knew I needed to talk. "Just one more fucking day to tell him all the things I never told him because I took for granted that I had lot of time ahead with him. I thought there would be thousands more of tomorrows. I left everything for tomorrow and now there's no longer a tomorrow with him. And now that I understand it, it's too late; and it was too late when I realized that there's nothing worse than too late." I paused for a long time, with my stare steady and blank. "You may think that I shouldn't be suffering so much his death, because we hated each other so much in high school. Gosh, we totally loathed each other." I let out a muffled chuckle. "I remember I wished he was dead, now I wish he was alive. Life's a crazy bitch, isn't it?" One of the corners of my mouth curved up as my eyes moistened. I finally looked into Freckles' eyes that were deeply looking into mine. "He was my bro friend and he will never know because I thought I'd tell him so one day in the future." One single tear slid from the corner of my eye.

"Brian knew that, Darren." She placed both hands on my cheeks as I anticipated the ugly crying coming again. "Brian knew he was your bro friend and you were his bro friend as well. There was no need to say it, because the realest things aren't the ones who are told, but those who are shown."

"I never showed it, Freckles. I never did anything for him." I sobbed and the seemingly endless flow of tears came again. Freckles, patiently, wiped all the tears away.

"If you stop thinking only about the big things, maybe you'll find out that you showed him so with small gestures... And small gestures, the ones we tend to underestimate, are way more powerful than big things." She kissed my forehead.

"How can you be so sure that he knew? He's dead and he's not here to ask him anything!" I growled in frustration, quickly wiping away the few hot tears that escaped my eyes. Despite my outburst, she looked at me calmly and gave me one gentle grin.

"I had the luck he was my best friend. I knew him to pieces." She simply answered and I looked down and nodded.

"I'm sorry. I know you knew him to pieces." I apologized because once again I forgot that Freckles was the most fond of Brian, therefore, the one who was going through the hardest part. "How can you stand your pain? How do you manage not to cry?" I asked very curiously, puckering my brows and looking deeply into her eyes.

"I can't stand my pain." She grinned weakly. And there I saw it: The sadness in her eyes. "But I have to find a way to be friends with my pain, because I have to live with this pain. I'm just starting to understand that this pain is a reminder that once someone beautiful existed, so I cling to the beautiful fact of it. The pain will never go away, so that's how you live with the pain in order to go on with your life." She responded with her eyes shimmering with tears that didn't fall, the weak grin still on her face. I looked at her mesmerized and I wished I could see things the way she did. "And I already cried. I cried until I had no more tears left to cry. And I stopped, because I made a promise to Brian and that was our last promise. So no matter how hard it is not to cry, I'm not gonna break that promise, because this time there won't be a second chance to make up for the broken promise." She added and I noticed the great effort she was making to smile, but I knew that despite the effort, it was a real smile, though a bit pained one.

All my life I thought I was a strong guy, but in that very moment, by looking at Freckles, I understood what it was to be strong for real. To be strong isn't about not feeling your pain, it is about finding the way to live with your pain. To be strong isn't about being able to smile with no difficulty, it is about being able to make a great effort to bring a genuine smile in your face despite the pain. To be strong isn't about being fine, it is about being hurt but feel fine. Now I realized that when Freckles answered 'I'm still hurt as fuck. But I feel fine.' was the honest answer. I smiled at her and I felt blessed to have a strong friend like her who taught me that what mattered was the blessing for having met Brian in my life.

"Would you wash my hair?" She asked as trying to remind me that life was still going on and we were here, together.

"Of course." I grinned as she handed me the shampoo.

I started washing her hair and we played with the shampoo foam. We even laughed. At first I felt bad because I was laughing when I lost my friend four days ago; but then I thought that Brian always liked seeing his friends happy, so this was maybe the way to remember him. After that, Freckles washed her body and then I helped her to dry her hair. I turned on my back when she stood up to dry her body and get dressed and once she was ready, I combed her hair, receiving a lot of criticism because I was combing her hair as though she was a boy. And we left the bathroom holding hands and grinning. Of course that when we entered the room filled with a fraught ambience everybody looked at us confused and suspicious; not only because we were locked in the bathroom together, but also because we were grinning. They thought we were disrespecting Brian's memory; but they couldn't understand it was the opposite, we were honoring it. And Freckles was the one who commented about this.

"Why are you with those faces?" She asked and they looked at her as though she was being rude. "Brian wouldn't have liked to see us sad. He'd have done everything as possible to cheer us up and steal us a smile."

"But Brian is dead. He's not here to do it. That's why we have these faces." Mandy responded sadly in a whisper, but Freckles heard her and looked intently at her.

"You're right, Mandy." Freckles voiced and Mandy parted her lips and shifted her gaze, alarmed because she was heard. "Brian, as we knew him, is dead and we can't bring him back to life." She said calmly and everybody frowned. They were like me: They didn't want to deal with their pain, so talk about his death was like an insult. "But Brian's soul is still alive in each one of us. His life wasn't in vain, he left something of him in each one of us. So, as long as one of us is still breathing, Brian won't be living, but he's gonna be alive." Freckles stated firmly but kindly. I turned my face to look at her amazed and gave her a smile; I noticed Jen also smiled despite her sunken eyes. "Therefore, we gotta cheer each other up, because he is within all of us, we gotta steal smiles until we get to see that none of us is sad. Then Brian's goal, now also our goal, will be fulfilled." She finished saying, again making a big effort to grin. Freckles had no idea how much she was helping me to go through this super hard moment. "I've realized that grieving is not the way to honor Brian. This is the right way to honor our friend." She said with tears in her eyes but smiling genuinely.

I couldn't help but to pull her into a tight hug. She rested her head on my chest and I kissed the top of her head. She was so beautiful. After that, we all sat at a round on the floor and Freckles proposed to start telling stories about the moments shared with Brian, all kinds of stories: the funny ones, the awkward, the sweet, the serious, the deep, and the arguments and misunderstandings. It was actually a cool thing to do. For a moment, I thought he was there, among us, listening to the stories and commenting them. When we all were accepting this way to honor and remember our friend, Freckles proposed doing something that she said helped her to feel better about this. It consisted about confessing things we never told Brian. Nobody spoke for a long time, we all were deep in thought; each of us knew what kind of thing we wanted to confess, but perhaps nobody dared to say it out loud. Thus, Freckles began.

"I already confessed this when I was alone, but perhaps I can do it now that you are here." She started saying. "I once accidentally spilled coffee on one of Brian's books and he got so mad that I blamed it on Sawyer; I never told him the truth, even if he knew it was me. I also took borrowed one of his many favorite books without his permission and he was sad because he thought he lost it and I was afraid he could insult me because I took it without his permission; so, yeah, the book is still hidden in my closet." She commented with an amused smile and all of us laughed, shaking our head.

"You are a thief and ruiner of books! Damn, with the girl Brian had to deal." Joey exclaimed loudly and Freckles burst out laughing. At this point, we were no longer feeling guilty because of being laughing.

"Yeah, I am and I still feel bad for ruining almost all of his books. Once I accidentally burnt one, but that time Brian was with me and saw it. He was crazy! But crazy because he couldn't understand how the heck I happened to burn a book!" She laughed joyfully and so we did.

"Yeah, really... How the fuck did you happen to burn a book accidentally?" I asked curiously.

"Well, it was the time when I smoked. I had this Zippo lighter and my hands were sweated and it slipped from my hands and fell on his book that I was reading. It was a chaos!" She responded while giggling and shaking her head.

"Seriously, Freckles? Seriously?" Chuck chuckled and Freckles nodded.

"I can't help my clumsiness." She shrugged, then grinned. "Well, another confession is that I got him a special gift for Christmas that I didn't have the chance to give to him, so I thought about giving it to him on Valentine's but, well... Brian wanted to live in LA after graduating, so I bought him a small room in a building where he could have his own space to write and I decorated it, but well..." She sighed and shrugged, forcing a smile while looking down. I looked at her sadly and surprised as the rest looked down and their smiles vanished. "Joey, maybe it could be yours, considering you'll spend more time in LA than any of us, just to be near Mandy." She suggested and Joey raised his brows and parted his lips very uncomfortable.

"No..." He whispered while running a hand through his hair. "I can't accept it... Maybe it could be a place for you to paint when you're there."

"Yeah, maybe." Freckles shrugged again. "And my last confession..." She grinned and looked at her wrist, she was wearing a diamonds bracelet. "I never told him that the girl he was in love with also fell in love with him the same day he let her go. I think he would have liked to know that at least for one day I was completely his." Her voice cracked and tears pricked at the corner of her eyes; yet she didn't look sad, she looked thrilled.

All of us remained extremely silent, in part because we were surprised by this confession, and in part because Freckles was right: Brian would have liked to have known it, and he will never know. I didn't know she actually fell in love with him; I knew she loved him very much, but not that there was a time she was sure she was in love with him. I didn't feel jealous as I'd usually feel, I felt really sad for her; therefore, I put an arm over her shoulder and squeezed it. She nodded and looked up, her smile growing wider.

"Now he knows." She whispered and everybody nodded. "Anybody else wants to confess anything?" She asked and we remained silent again.

"I want." Lucy suddenly said, so we looked at her curiously. Lucy? "Sadly, I didn't have the chance to know Brian as much as you do and we didn't spend too much time alone, we were usually in group when we talked. Nonetheless, we had a little conversation alone the day before we went to the Malouf's Mountain Sunset Campgrounds. Chuck knows now, but he didn't by then and I was very nervous and worried because I thought I was pregnant." She said and I raised my eyebrows in complete surprise, but she was not looking at anyone. "Brian saw me outside and walked towards me and asked me if I was okay. I don't know why, but I decided to tell him what was worrying me. He just stood up and returned later with a pregnancy test. He told me that it was going to be our secret and that I shouldn't worry, because if it was positive, I was going to have the most beautiful baby who would grow up with two amazing parents, we would be the family I dreamed of having when I was a little girl, even if it wasn't a planned baby and even if I couldn't see it right in that moment. He told me his story. I took the test and told him it was negative. We didn't talk about it again." She said and I was looking at her agape. "I never told him thanks. I never told him that what he told me helped me a lot, that his story moved me, that he made me see that having an unplanned baby is not something bad because a baby is a miracle, just as he was. He was an extraordinary person, and this is coming from someone who didn't know him that well." She finished saying with a smile. Chuck hugged her and pecked her lips.

"I also have something to say." Then Chuck spoke. "I always hated Brian." He blurted and we all leant back, widening our eyes for saying that in such an outright way. "I mean, he was this fucking bully who was harassing my little bro, his by then girlfriend and his best friend in high school." He continued saying. "And when I saw him again at Darren's apartment last year, I wanted to punch him and kick him out. But then that day I got to know him; I mean, know him for real; and more when George moved to Jen's place and told us a lot about his son. And I felt like shit when I realized that I judged him and slandered him. I remember I treated him like crap few times and I never apologized to him. So, I want to apologize to him now. I want to tell him that he was a damn hell of good person and I believe that if he just had lived a little longer, he would have changed the world with the little and kind actions that we barely noticed but he never stopped doing while he was alive. That's all." He said while nodding. I saw how Freckles, next to me, was grinning sweetly and nodding as well.

"It's finally my turn!" Joey exclaimed right away. It seemed that everybody wanted to talk now. "I want to confess that I fell deeply in love with Brian the first time I saw him, but I guess everybody knows that. He knew that, too." He said and we all laughed.

We needed to laugh a little, I knew Brian would be laughing right now. Suddenly and unexpectedly, Joey bit his lips that started quivering as his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes filled with tears. I parted my lips and looked at him stunned. He hardly ever cried, this was too weird to see. Mandy looked at him afflicted and when she placed a hand on his thigh, Joey broke into tears, but continued talking.

"He was such a good guy. And I'm not a demonstrative person and I suck at how to treat people who have suffered a lot. But I hope he could have noticed that with my silly jokes of me being in love with him, what I really wanted to say was that I truly admired his philanthropy, that he was one of the greatest friends I've ever had and that I was trying to make him feel that he also had a friend on me, the kind of caring and loyal friend. I wish I could have told him that I loved him without it being jokingly, at least once." He tried to utter with his breathy and strangled voice. I was still looking at him stunned and now I was feeling really bad for him, because I realized this affected him more than what I thought.

"Brian knew that you loved him for real, even if you told him so jokingly. And he was also deeply in love with you, Joey." Freckles said with a grin and Joey let out a muffled chuckle.

"Don't shit with me, Freckles! You were his first option." He replied, wiping his tears away to look at Freckles.

"Yeah, but if he'd had to date a guy, you would have been his first option." She winked and Joey laughed and nodded, muttering a 'Thanks'.

"I wanna say few words..." Mandy said, sighing and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Brian and I were absolutely opposites. If you wanted to understand what antithesis means, all you had to do was to look at me and Brian standing next to each other to get a figurative answer." She stated and all of us nodded energetically. That was completely right, they had nothing in common. "Brian was like this bubble of sweetness and mawkishness that was all the time bouncing around, sprinkling some kind of sappy love glitter with each of his constant bounces. The goal of all the bubbles was to arrive to the bubble house; the first who arrived was the winner. If another bubble was near him, he would bounce away to let that bubble arrive to the bubble house before him, he would even help that bubble to arrive before him, not before of sprinkling his sappy love glitter." She started explaining and all of us were frowning. What the fuck was this? "On the other hand, I am this bubble of bitchiness and frigidness that doesn't sprinkle glitter, but that poops sarcasm; that doesn't bounce, but that slides and tramples. If another bubble was near me, I would run over it, I would destroy it and I would put it out of my way so that I could be the first arriving to the bubble house." She continued and all of us were looking at her in confusion and disbelief. What exactly was she trying to say? "One day, this bubble of sweetness and mawkishness named Brian bounced near me and I tried to run over him, but he covered me with his glitter of love. When he did it, a part of my bitchiness and frigidness died away. For the first time I allowed myself to slide next to his bounces." She said and suddenly some tears flooded her eyes. She looked down, scowled and made a pause. "He never stopped covering me with his love, and his love was so contagious that I also started covering him with my love that I had hidden very deep down. He was the first person who understood me and who didn't care how bitchy and frigid I was, because he could see who I really was under the surface. He let me call him brother and he asked me if he could call me sister. He taught me how to be a better person; and he taught me, and I'm still learning, that arriving to the goal we have is more rewarding if we stop to see who is around us and help and love them, instead of running over them and miss the real beauty of the way for the sole purpose of arriving alone to the goal in a rush. He gave me part of his love to keep it saved with me all the time; and I still have it." Mandy was making a big effort to control her voice, but it was sounding ragged, wheezy and strangled. "And we did a long way together." Her voice cracked and some tears escaped the corner of her eyes. "We did a long way together and I never regretted to have slowed my speed to make part of the way with him. Unfortunately, his way was blocked and he couldn't continue going with me." Her tears were still falling down her face and she wiped them to keep talking as she could. "I wish, with all my soul, that the blocked way was mine and not his; because it's so fucking unfair and sad the fact that bitch and frigid people like me are still going on in this way called life while the most kind-hearted, lovely and caring person in the world, Brian, had to stop living in this life." She broke into tears. She cried in abject misery, as never before. And she, for the first time, forgot her pride and didn't care that people were staring her. She was devastated. "I want... I want to confess... That Brian, if you're listening... You saved me with all the love you gave me when no one else wanted to love me. I love you so much. So much. And I'll try to be more like you, I promise." She covered her face with her hands and started sobbing in a heartrending way.

She made all of us cry. Because she said something really nice in her own way. Because we weren't used to seeing Joey and Mandy crying, because they were the only ones who broke when we were expecting that they would be the only ones not crying. I could understand Mandy, because I also thought that it was very unfair and sad the fact that good people, who inspire others to be a better person, always have a short life. Or maybe their life is way shorter than it should be regarding how much goodness they inflict on the world. When I stopped my tears, I took a deep breath and I decided to confess.

"I want to confess..." My voice echoed in the room and I felt everybody's gazes on me. "Brian and I didn't start in a good way, we all know that. But tell me about crazy things in life... We became good friends. Well, he was a really good friend. I wasn't. I know I wasn't the best friend he could have. While we were friends, I suspected of him, I was jealous of him, I punched him, I insulted him, I called him names, and I treated him as if he was the biggest piece of shit. I failed him several times. Sure we had good moments, but I was always there, screwing it up; because I knew he would forgive me and we would be friends again, he had that ability to see the good on people, something I always admired of him. I don't wanna ramble, really..." I started saying, looking down and speaking calmly, softly. "Before all of this happened, we discussed about our respective purposes in our team. We agreed his purpose was to protect and keep us safe; my purpose is to take care of us. He fulfilled his purpose. And I failed him again. The only damn thing I had to do was to take care of him, and I fucking failed. He was my best friend and the last thing I did to him was to fail him. And I couldn't tell him how sorry I am for failing him again. I screwed it up. And it hurts, because I'm still waiting for him to come over and accept my apologies as he always used to do. He won't come this time." I bit my lips and raised an eyebrow, always keeping my gaze down. "And we made a promise; few hours before this all happened, he promised me that he will see us again and that we will see him again. And I never saw him again. I still wait. I still wanna say I'm sorry. I still wanna tell him all the things I didn't get to tell him because I took for granted he will be with us for many more years. I wish I could have enjoyed him while he was still here. I wish I could have been a better friend, because he deserved that and much more. What hurts me the most is that he saved my life when he had the chance, and I didn't save his when I had the chance. I want to apologize to him for so many things..." I sighed and closed my eyes for a while. "But I wanna thank him for many others things. And that's more important. I don't want to enumerate the infinite reasons to thank him, because, seriously, there are so many things. So I'll just say that I want to thank him for not kicking my ass when I accidentally deleted an important file on his laptop for being meddling where I shouldn't. I want to thank him for not hating me when he had countless reasons to do it. I want to thank him for always being there, through thick and thin. I want to thank him for being such a great person. I want to thank him because he's been part of my life and he changed it for the better. I just want to thank him because he existed." I said with a faint grin, looking at the floor while playing with my fingers. "He always took care of his friends and wanted his friends to be happy. So it's only right that we start to smile again, because that's something he would've wanted." I smiled and looked at the rest for the first time; they were also smiling softly, some of them looking at me, some others looking down. I paused and let out a long sigh. "Now I have to let him go and it's probably the hardest thing to do, but Brian taught me that it's okay to let go. So..." I said and looked up, as if he was up there. "Take it easy bro, it's been totally awesome." I gestured a fist bump with a real smile. And everybody made a fist bump in the air, looking up.

Then we looked at Jen, she was the only one who didn't speak and we were expecting to hear something from her. But she was looking down, playing with the shoelaces, seemingly with no intentions to talk. I really thought she would say something; after all, she grew very fond of Brian and she had worked too much to free him.

"Jen?" Freckles asked gently. Jen looked up and we saw her teary eyes.

"I'm sorry. I can't talk right now." Jen's voice sounded hoarse and ragged. Freckles grinned softly and nodded. "Nevertheless, I wanna say few things." She added and we all looked at her. Jen looked down and bit her lips. "I helped Brian to let you go, Freckles." She looked up at Freckles who raised her eyebrows.

"Yes, I knew that." Freckles responded amiably. Jen nodded and looked down again.

"He asked me to help him letting you go. But lately I've been thinking that perhaps, without being aware, that's not the only reason why I helped him." Jen continued saying.

Everybody, except Freckles and I, frowned in confusion, perhaps not understanding why she was saying that instead of talking about Brian. But I knew why. What I didn't know was why Freckles didn't frown like the rest. She was peacefully but intently looking at Jen straight in the eye.

"My confession..." Jen voiced with brittle voice. I saw a single tear sliding from her eye and rolling down her cheek. "My confession, what I never told Brian, is that I was very fond of him. We had a lot of private and deep conversations and he opened up to me and let me see all of him. Freckles, you know what I mean when I say everything..." Jen said and Freckles grinned sadly and nodded. "And, yet, there was nothing about him that I disliked or that made me feel uncomfortable. He was the best person I've ever met and I always smiled whenever I saw him. He had something... Like a peculiar brightness around him, something very personal, very deep; something that could make other people feel loved. He knew how to make people feel loved and only few people can do it." Jen said deep in thought, apparently forgetting that she couldn't talk as she said. However, we all nodded in agreement when she said it. "He was very kind and humble, but he was so wrongly convinced that he had no importance, and so unaware of the gift he had. I'd have liked that he could have noticed that it was we who were graced by his presence. He was important. He mattered. He was overflowing with love, and everybody could see it from a mile away." She continued saying, now with an affectionate smile on her face. There was certain radiance in her eyes while she was talking with her gaze lost. "I never told him that I was fond of him. I never told him that I loved him, and whenever I said it, I always referred to we love you and not I love you. Actually... My real confession is that I never told Brian that I was, well I am even if he's no longer here, in love with him." She confessed and her voice echoed in the extremely silent room.

Everybody dropped their jaw and looked at Jen puzzled, even I did so. I knew Jen liked Brian more than just as a friend; but I thought she had a crush on him, not that she was actually in love with him. But Freckles didn't seem to be surprised by Jen's confession. Jen looked shyly at Freckles, a bit apologetically.

"I suspected it." Freckles replied mildly.

Freckles didn't seem to be upset because Jen was in love with her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, or because Jen wanted and loved Brian when he was still dating her. Actually, Freckles seemed to be distressed.

"Aren't you mad at me because of that?" Jen asked fearfully. Freckles scowled for the first time.

"What? Of course not, Jen." She answered right away. "Remember when I told you that Brian was perfect but he wasn't perfect for me?" She asked and Jen nodded. "Well, I personally think that Brian was perfect and he would've been perfect for you, as well as you would've been perfect for him." Freckles said with a sweet smile and sad eyes as Jen began to weep silently, looking down. "I always thought that Brian deserved to be with the best girl in world, and that girl could perfectly have been you. I really would've loved seeing you two together." Freckles' voice cracked and Jen bit her lips and muffled a sob. "I'm sorry, Jen... I didn't want to make you feel bad..." Freckles apologized afflicted when she saw Jen closing her eyes.

"No..." Jen wiped her tears away and smiled. "You didn't make me feel bad. You made me feel really good. It feels good to know that you would have accepted us and I'm happy to know that you think I was deserving of Brian." She kept the smile and I looked at her very anguished. Fuck, man. I also thought Brian and Jen would've made a cool couple. "It's a nice thought."

We had a moment of silence for Brian Thomas Clerk, a 21-year-old writer, who was born on November 22, 1985 in San Francisco and died on February 1, 2007 in Ann Arbor. He was a person with soul, a friend who was deeply loved and will always be deeply loved and dearly missed. At the end of the silence, everybody was pained, but smiling; he would have been happy for us. That was the goodbye. That was the night when we let our friend go. I didn't know where he was, but I knew he was now in a place where he would no longer be hurt and bullied, where he would no longer have pain and traumas, where he would no longer suffer physically or emotionally, where he would no longer have nightmares. Brian could rest in peace now.

We didn't talk to him again.

Everybody left, but that night I stayed with Freckles. Both of us lay down in the same bed, we cuddled, and we just comforted each other in the mildest of the silences. That was all we did. The silence was interrupted only one time by Freckles.

"I'm your blanket now, Darren."

I didn't understand what she meant, but I felt it was something nice, so I responded before we both fell asleep.

"And I'm your blanket, Freckles."

---

Next day you woke up very early in the morning. Darren was still fast asleep and it seemed he forgot he was sleeping next to someone, because he was taking up much more space than half the mattress, as though he was the king of the bed while you were almost hanging off the bed. His arms and legs were spread out, one of his arms was over your face and a leg was over your body; his mouth slightly opened but not snoring or drooling. You carefully moved his arm and leg away from you and he grouched but didn't wake up. Trying not to make any noise or abrupt movement, you got up and headed to the bathroom to do all of your daily activities. When you got out, you saw that Darren was taking up the whole bed with no signs of waking up any soon, so you took advantage of this. You left the dorm room to go to the nearest pastry shop. You bought a heart shaped Nutella cake with chocolate hazelnut, inflated helium balloons, and two number candles: 2 and 0. Very excited and trying to hurry up, you returned to the dorm room. Darren was still asleep, which was great because it would give you time to prepare everything. You prepared hot chocolate with marshmallows, you added heavy cream and sprinkled it with cocoa powder, and served it in two cups with goblet shape. You decorated the room with the balloons and with the colorful Harry Potter themed party pennants that you made yourself. You placed on the table the sorting hat that you made yourself with a mouth and two black buttons simulating the eyes, your colorful scarf in which you sewed two black buttons, and the little gift you got him. Then you placed the candles on the cake, lit them, and grabbed the noisemakers. Slowly and enthusiastically, you walked to the bed where Darren was already snoring softly. With no anticipation, you blew the noisemaker and the very loud and sharp sound made him jump and wake up startled, with his eyes wide open and his frightened face looking all around, still confused. You burst out laughing and when his stare looked at your direction, you started singing.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Darebear

Happy birthday to you.

You sang and Darren was resting his head on the pillow, now relaxed and looking at you with a goofy grin on his face. He thought you finished, but you kept singing.

Happy birthday to you, this is your day.

On this day for you we're gonna love you in every way.

This is your day, your day, happy birthday to you, to you, to you.

Happy birthday to you, you're still young.

Age is just a number, don't you stop having fun.

This is your day, your day, happy birthday to you.

This day only comes once every year,

Because you're so wonderful with each and everything you do, hey!

Happy birthday to you, this is your day.

On this day for you we're gonna love you in every way.

This is your day, your day, happy birthday to you, to you.

This day is only for you, 'cause you're so special in every way,

Happy birthday to you!

"Make your wish and blow the candles!" You squealed and Darren chortled and sat on bed to do it. "Yay!" You exclaimed and left the cake on the nightstand to lean over and kiss Darren's cheek. Then you looked at him amused. "Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground." You winked and he giggled joyfully.

"Tinker with shit, eh?" He commented with voice husky with sleep.

"Seriously? Out of all I told you, you just gave more importance to that part?" You joked and he crinkled his nose and shook his head, before taking your hand and pulling you to make you sit next to him.

"As a matter of fact, no..." He answered, enfolding his arms around you and resting his chin on your shoulder. "It was the part that I should be selfish." He said and you tittered and shook your head. "I might as well be selfish and decide to love a lot. And explore..." He wiggled his eyebrows and for some reason his eyes were looking at you in a naughty way and he sounded wanky.

"Well, alright..." You voiced, raising your eyebrows and attempting to move his arms away; but he tightened his hold and planted a noisy kiss on your cheek.

"Thank you, baby. This is really cute and sweet of you." He said, this time in a kind way and giving you an affectionate smile. "I didn't think you'd remember it is my birthday."

"That's absurd! How wouldn't I? Please, don't be ridiculous, Darren." You responded with a frown and he let out a soft chuckle.

But you knew why he said that: Because it was almost crazy to celebrate good things like a birthday while going through a very hard and sad moment. Despite all that happened, this was Darren's special day and he deserved to celebrate a special birthday and feel special as well. Therefore, nothing would sadden you today. After all, this was what it was all about: to realize that life goes on, both with bad and good moments, so you might as well feel the pain in the bad and celebrate the good, in a constant balance.

"This is my first birthday that I spend with you." He squeezed you and grinned widely, his hazel eyes sparkling. It was nice to see him happy.

"And we have a long birthday day ahead, Darebear! So you gotta get up right now!" You ordered enthusiastically and he growled.

"Oh, cannot we stay here all day long? I promise if we do so, it'll be my best birthday ever." He answered, burying his face in your neck.

"No way! Get up. Now." You replied firmly.

"Not even on my birthday you can be less nagging, Ms. Bossynova." He grumbled and scowled, but with an amused face. "But you know what? It's my birthday, so it's supposed that everyone must please me because yes. However, I'll be super nice and do what you request only on one condition." He added, holding out his forefinger and raising his brows.

"What condition?" You narrowed your eyes in suspicion.

"In the face of the fact that today is my birthday, as a birthday gift, you have to kiss me." He requested with a sassy smirk.

"Too bad I already got you a birthday present!" You answered playfully.

But the dork made that face. That face that never failed to make you do whatever he wanted. That pout and those puppy dog eyes. You hated him so much right now. And he added the last thing he knew he had to add to convince you.

"I'm a sad panda now." He whispered. 'Fuck you, Darren' you thought.

"Alright, Mr. ambitious." You sighed and leaned to give him a very noisy kiss on the cheek.

"When I said kiss, you know pretty well that's not the type of kiss I meant." He pointed out and you raised your eyebrows.

"You never clarified what type of kiss. You just said kiss and that was a kiss." You shrugged.

"But you knew!" He exclaimed loudly, throwing a tantrum as though he was five instead twenty.

"I may or may not have known. Next time, you should be more specific, my adorkable Darebear." You answered while biting your lips in amusement.

"Oh, really? Are you gonna leave me here, in misery, without my kiss on my birthday?" He pouted again. "It is my birthday wish." He added.

"You know that if you tell your wish, that wish won't come true, don't you?" You asked raising an eyebrow and he smirked.

"Of course, that's why I didn't tell you my real wish. But this is like a second wish, the public wish. And those wishes can come true if you tell them; it's a new rule I invented for birthdays and it's already approved." He answered with a cheeky wink. You grinned because you really, but really liked him. "So, how about that kiss now? I beg you my pardon, I meant, how about that kiss on the mouth now?" He pierced your eyes with his.

"Is that what you really wish?" You asked.

"Oh... Oh, baby. That's a tough question... I could wish many other things..." He replied with a mischievous smirk and you rolled your eyes, amused. "But for now... Yes, that's what I really wish. But it must be a kiss that could convince me that there's no better kisser in the world than you."

"I see you doubt about it." You commented, looking intently into his eyes, raising an eyebrow.

"Well..." He muttered a bit uncomfortable, not knowing how to answer; until the sassy smirk appeared on his face again. "Yeah, I have my doubts, so you gotta convince me."

"What if I don't get to convince you?" You asked, narrowing your eyes.

"I will give you a second chance to make it better." He winked.

"Wise." You chuckled, shaking your head and he curled up one of the corners of his mouth.

"Hmm..." He let out a low moan that was sexy as hell. Then he shifted his gaze to your lips. "How about you convince me now, eh baby?" He asked with husky voice.

"Okay..." You answered, turning around to be face to face with him.

You straddled his lap and wrapped your legs around either side of his torso. Darren raised his brows in surprise and then, as you held his shoulders, he gripped your hips. You didn't kiss him yet, you wanted to create a certain climax and there was no better way to do it than by maintaining eye contact. You looked intensely into his beautiful hazel eyes that were fixed on your mouth. With your thumb, you picked up his chin and he finally shifted his gaze to your eyes. There was certain desire in his eyes and that made you feel stimulated. You moved your face closer, looking at his mouth at the same moment he turned his eyes to your mouth. His lips were parted and you approached them, yet didn't touch them.

"Listen..." You whispered in front of his lips and he let out a very low moan, wanting to reach your lips. "We're gonna do this my way, because I'm the one who has to convince you. So you're just gonna follow me along, okay?"

"Okay." He answered weakly, his voice raucous. "Just... Don't make me feel miserable, baby, please." He added, biting his lips, fixedly staring your mouth. You smirked with satisfaction.

"Do you think you'll be less miserable if I get rid of your shirt?" You asked with soft voice, softly tugging the collar of his t-shirt. He groaned and tugged his shirt up.

"Yeah, totally... Do it..." He requested desperately. You placed his hands back on your hips and you delicately took his shirt off.

"Better?" You asked and he nodded, looking at your lips.

You grinned and started rubbing his chest as you leaned over to plant a kiss on his neck. He tilted his head to one side to give you full access and closed his eyes. You left a trail of kisses from his jawline to his collarbone as he placed his hands on your thighs and began to slide your dress up to your hips.

"Can I?" He asked huskily, tugging your dress up.

"No." You responded and he grouched but nodded. He placed his hands on your hips again, this time underneath your dress.

You sucked a spot of his collarbone while placing one hand firmly on his shoulder and running your fingers across his lower belly with the other. You placed the hand on the back of his head, tangled your fingers in his bushy curly hair, and pulled his face closer to yours. He opened his eyes just a crack to stare your mouth and you slightly touched his lips with yours. You nibbled them softly and he stayed with his lips parted; you could feel his heavy breathing against you. You knew he wanted to kiss you fervently, but he stayed quiet as you requested. You licked his lips and then sucked his bottom lip; you forgot how nice and smooth Darren's lips were. While sucking his lower lip back and forth, you ran your fingers through his hair because you adored the silkiness of his curls. He moved one hand to the back of your head and ran his fingers through your hair as well, as he rubbed the inner side of your thigh with his other hand. He started panting and you silenced him with an abrupt kiss that took him by surprise. You parted and smiled gently, looking into his half-opened hazel eyes while fondling his cheek very softly; he smiled back in a sweet way. You kissed him again, tenderly, and when he placed his hand on your jaw, you licked his lips and he parted them to give you access. When the tip of your tongues touched, you couldn't help feeling a chill and a tickle on your stomach, something you haven't felt in a while. Darren leaned back and stretched his arms out behind him as you held onto his shoulders and leaned towards him to keep your bodies close together. You parted again and then locked lips with a shared breath, so that as you exhaled, he inhaled and vice versa. You had your eyes open and so did him; you were looking piercingly into each other's eyes. As you breathed in, he rocked his hip back and as you exhaled, he rocked his hip forward. You closed your eyes and kissed him again, this time increasing the speed as he increased the timing and speed of the thrusting. He began to moan in between the kiss as he supported his body with one hand and placed his other hand on the back of your head while you could feel him getting hard. Therefore, you reduced the intensity of the kiss and nibbled his lower lip before pecking his mouth. You parted and opened your eyes to look at him with a smile.

"So?" You asked and he finally opened his eyes.

"Wait... Are you finished?" He groaned, his lips parted.

"Yes." You answered with a soft titter.

"Seriously?" He let out another groan.

"Why? Didn't you like it?" You puckered your brows and pouted.

"No... I can't believe you are finished. I was loving it..." He tried to reach your lips again, but you moved your head back and chuckled.

"Oh well, then it seems I convinced you." You winked and gave him a goofy grin, showing all your teeth. He looked at you and tittered.

"You're adorable." He whispered and his thumb brushed across your cheek. "Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" He asked out of the blue. You looked down and grinned faintly.

"Darren..." You murmured a bit uncomfortable. "We talked about this already..."

"Yeah, sorry." He said right away, kissing your cheek. "Thank you for accepting kissing this needy guy." He joked and you looked up, tittering.

"You're not a needy guy. It was your wish, birthday boy." You responded.

"Well, asking for a kiss as a wish doesn't turn me into a needy guy, though?" He pointed out with an amused smile. You laughed out loud and shook your head.

"Kind of..." You joked, shrugging. "Well, birthday needy boy…" You exclaimed, patting his shoulders as he laughed. "It's time for you to get up." You ordered while standing up, taking his hand to help him stand up as well. "We need to eat this cake!" You exclaimed while handing him his shirt as he giggled and put it on. "And we need to have a birthday breakfast." You added while winking as he wrapped his arms around you from behind. You turned to face him. "I have a surprise for you. So… If you don't mind…" You said while parting to stand behind him and place your hands on his waist. "You have to close your eyes and I will lead the way." You requested and he beamed joyfully before closing his eyes. "Do not dare to open your eyes until I command you to do so, clear?"

"Hup! Lead the way, Bossynova!" He exclaimed out loud.

With awkward gait, you took him out the bedroom and you made him sit on a chair. He didn't question anything and he didn't stop smiling. You took the hat and placed it on his head and took the scarf and wrapped it around his neck.

"What the hell are you putting me on?" He finally asked.

"Shut up, Darren. Soon you'll know." You tittered. You quickly came back to the bedroom to take the cake and returned to place it next to his goblet of hot chocolate. "Alright... You can open your eyes!" You squealed and clapped.

When he opened his eyes, his eyebrows arched and his mouth dropped in amazement. You saw how his hazel eyes sparkled as his teeth shone bright when he let out a smile. He looked all around and it was such the gaiety he was feeling that it made you grin cheerfully.

"Oh my wizard god, Freckles!" He shrieked merrily. "Look at all this stuff! This is totally awesome! I can't believe you've done this for me!" His eyes flooded with happiness. "And what is this?" He asked while looking at the scarf and the hat.

"Well, it's my pleasure to introduce you to Sorty and Scarfy!" You responded goofily and he chortled.

"I love it!" He commented. Gosh, it was really nice to see him that happy. "Freckles, this is the best surprise ever!" He exclaimed and quickly stood up to pull you into a very tight hug. "Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you." He repeated while pecking your cheek several times as you were giggling. "I love you so much I could kiss you!"

"I thought you were already kissing me…" You pointed out jokingly as he hugged you tightly again.

"Aww! I love you so much, baby!" He basically deafened you when he squealed in your ear.

"Darren, you're choking me!" You joked and he was so immersed in his overflowing happiness that he didn't listen to you and, instead, he lifted you up in his arms and started going round and round.

"I want to let the world know how much I love you!" He exclaimed and you giggled and frowned when he took you to the window and opened it. "I fucking love this girl!" He yelled his lungs out and some people who were walking outside looked up.

"Good for you, man!" One random guy yelled with his thumbs up as you laughed.

"You go, guy!" A random girl screamed.

"Kiss her, dude!" Another random guy shouted and Darren, without hesitating, gave you a noisy, abrupt kiss on the mouth.

"Boo-ya!" A crowd of guys and girls passing by screamed as Darren gave you another noisy kiss.

"Darren..." You whispered in between a giggle. "What if we return to the table, eh?" You asked and he finally listened to you.

"Right." He beamed brightly. He closed the window and took you to the chair, then he sat and made you sit on his lap, enfolding his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder. "Baby, this is really but really sweet and cool!"

"I'm glad you like it." You grinned broadly. "Wait to see what I got you!" You screeched, bouncing on his lap and clapping.

"Whoa! You really don't wanna keep bouncing on my lap, baby." He wiggled his brows and shot you a very lewd look, with a smutty smirk.

"Darren! You're ruining the moment!" You whined, crossing your arms above your chest and scowling, letting out a huff. Darren, instead, cracked up.

"I'm sorry, but I really had to let you know so." He responded amused and you rolled your eyes.

"That's it. Now I don't feel like giving you what I got you." You pursed your lips and looked away, pretending to be moody.

"Oh, come on, baby! Give it to me! It's my birthday!" He bounced you on his lap to mock you, laughing loudly.

"Stop it! Oh my god, you're a dork!" You exclaimed while tittering.

"Adorkable, baby, adorkable." He winked and planted a kiss on your cheek.

The amount of times he said 'baby' this morning was unbelievable, but, oddly enough, you didn't feel uncomfortable; in fact, you liked it. It just felt about right how 'baby' sounded in his mouth. It sounded natural, not something forced.

"Okay. I'll give it to you." You grinned and grabbed the little box to give it to him.

"What is it?" He asked cheerfully while receiving it.

"Open it. Maybe you'll know if you open it, Darren; I don't know, I'm not so sure, I'm just saying that maybe..." You teased him and he raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, I see you're in a sassy mood, Ms. Cheeky Bossynova." He said.

"Stop calling me names, geez!" You exclaimed in disbelief, but laughed amused. Cheeky Bossynova, okay.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Cheeky Bossynova is your real name, isn't it? Of course it is." He replied and you rolled your eyes for the fourth time in the day.

"Shut up and open your gift, Darren!" You ordered. He frowned, bringing his hand up to his forehead.

"At your command, General Bossynova!" He exclaimed, simulating a soldier's voice. He opened the gift and when he saw what it was, he dropped his jaw and his face lit up. "Suck my balls!" He screamed.

"Gladly." You coughed in a joking way and he abruptly turned his eyes towards you to give you one naughty smirk.

"Then I am the one who ruins the moment..." He raised an eyebrow amused and you giggled. "But you can do it for real whenever you want, baby." He winked and your bit your lips and shook your head. Forgetting about that comment, he turned his gaze to his gift again. "This is so cool!" He exclaimed joyfully. "Put it on me!" He requested and you smiled and did it. "Look, baby, look!" He beamed while showing his wrist proudly. "Now I have a TinTin wrist watch! I'm never ever taking it off! Thank you, baby!" He showed all of his teeth before kissing your cheek.

"I'm glad you liked it, Darebear."

There was nothing you wished more than making him feel happy, so his happiness made you feel happy. And you thought there was nothing more precious than feeling good when everything around you was still falling apart. It was like a driving force. Life was like that: A constant line that could be interrupted, a line with ups and downs; and sometimes the downs are too consequential that you feel as though you are sinking and you can't breathe. But when you're sinking, you just have to remember that when you touch the bottom you can always give yourself a little boost with the heel to go back out to the surface. And Darren's happiness was the little boost that helped you to go back out to the surface. You smiled.

---

"Freckles, come on! Where are you taking me?" I grouched. We've been walking for more than an hour and she wouldn't tell me anything.

"I told you, it's a surprise!" She squeezed my hand and we continued walking holding hands.

"It's my birthday! I demand you to tell me where the hell we're going!" I said in a bossy way, taking advantage to request things with the excuse it was my birthday, as I've been doing all day long.

"Who's Bossynova now?" She asked and even though it was dark, I saw her amused smile, so I tittered.

"We're Mr. and Ms. Bossynova. Deal with that, world!" I exclaimed and she giggled. "Cheeky Bossynova, it's freezing!" I complained.

"You won't give up that name, will you?" She rolled her eyes when I shook my head and winked as response. "Well, then, I might as well call you Goober Bossynova."

"I love it. Cheeky Bossynova and Goober Bossynova, the adorkable idiots who rule the world!" I yelled my lungs out, introducing ourselves to the empty street. It was followed by Freckles' boisterous chortle.

I stepped closer to her and put an arm over her shoulder to solve the problem of the cold and we continued walking, joking and laughing. It was admirable how happy and special she made me feel today, the way she surprised me when I less expected and the way she made me smile and laugh with such briskness when I thought I couldn't. It wasn't that I forgot about my pain, it was that I was learning how to live with it.

"Okay, we arrived." Freckles announced and I looked at the industrial shed and scowled.

"Why did you take me to an abandoned industrial shed?" I asked suspiciously. "I thought you would take me to a very cool restaurant or some shit like that. Is this your idea of romantic surprise?" I asked.

"When did I say it was a romantic surprise?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes.

"It was implicit all along!" I exclaimed as if it was totally logical.

"You assume things that you shouldn't." She pointed out.

"Cheeky Bossynova! This is a big turn off!" I complained frustrated.

"Did you ever feel turned on?" She asked and I huffed.

"Even a no-tell motel would have been better than this." I commented and Freckles dropped her mouth and raised her eyebrows.

"Darren..."

"Oh, I see..." I suddenly said, smirking naughtily. "Cheeky Bossynova, I didn't know that you had the fantasy of doing it in an industrial shed. That's wild."

"Darren!" She called up very loudly and severely. "I don't wanna do it in an industrial shed, for god's sake. You're getting this wrong and you should take off of your mind that idea of romantic or sexual surprise."

"Oh, okay. But now you should know that someday I wanna do it in an industrial shed." I winked, joking to try to make this less awkward.

"You're ruining this again, Darren!" She exclaimed and I giggled.

"I'm a professional moment ruiner. Can't help it." I shrugged and she let out a chuckle while shaking her head.

"Stop talking for a moment. Just for a very short time, I don't ask for more. Can you do it?" She requested and I grinned before making a gesture with my hand as though I was sealing my lips. Freckles bit her lips and tittered. "Such a dork. Sorry! I meant such an adorkable." She added and I smiled widely. "Okay, now let's get in."

She took my hand again and led me to the entrance of the industrial shed. We entered and the first thing that happened was how my nostrils suffered a pretty severe damage when I inhaled that musty smell together with the odor of rusty iron and insecticide. Then, being that it was completely dark, my sense of hearing became acute and I started hearing eerie sounds of machines and gears and I swear I could hear the sound of something stumbling upon something and the first thought was: "Holy shit, mice, nasty mice and rats". Why the fuck did Freckles bring me to this gross place? With this, she totally screwed all the awesome things she did during the day. Then I felt how something passed very near me, like a waft but with solid consistency.

"Fuck, Freckles! A fucking rat touched my feet! I swear! I swear a fucking, nasty, goddamn son of a bitch rat touched my feet!" I screamed, my voice echoing in the ghoulish place.

"Darren! You promised you'd remain silent!" Freckles rebuked and I puckered my brows.

"I'm sorry! But this place is so fucking creepy, Cheeky Bossynova!" I replied.

"Stop calling me like that!" She exclaimed letting out a soft chuckle.

"You know I won't. Cheeky Creepy Bossynova." I answered while nodding.

"Happy Birthday, Darren!" A sudden yell from a crowd coming from the dark made me jump and scream like a fucking scared madman.

Of course my shrill scream was followed by loud snickers, and of course after that, the lights were turned on, making me look like the biggest idiot and fearful little boy in the history of humanity. When my heart stopped pounding after I understood what this all was about, I looked around and I beamed completely happy and surprised. The place was decorated with balloons, there was a huge cake and lots of drinks. And everybody was there: Chuck and Lucy, Joey and Mandy, and Jen. The guys: Joe Walker and Joe Moses, Brian Holden and Brian Rosenthal, Dylan, Nico Ager, Chris Allen, Corey Dorris, Matt and Nick Lang, Jim Povolo, Tyler Brunsman, Jeff Blim, Brant Cox, A.J. Holmes, Nick Gage, and Nicholas Joseph Strauss-Matathia. And the girls: Meredith, Lauren, Arielle Goldman, Julia, Bonnie, Ali Gordon, Jaime, Denise Donovan, Britney Coleman, Devin Lytle, Lily Marks, Alle-Faye Monka, and Sango Tajima. Yes, all of my friends were there. Well, except one of them...

"What the fuck!" I exclaimed while laughing.

Freckles let out my hand and stepped aside to let me go to where they were. They all basically ran to me and joined in a group hug while they were singing happy birthday. They made me blow the candles and then the mocks started.

"Cheeky Creepy Bossynova? Really, man?" Joe Walker was the one who started. I rolled my eyes and looked away. "So very very sad-hungry!" He added and I smiled amused, but didn't say a word. "Remember that time? When you wouldn't talk to me?"

"What the hell kind of name is that, dude?" Lauren mocked me and I looked at her abruptly. "Qué pasa, you piece of shit?"

"Nothing. Just... Yeah, do you want to kick your own ass or should I do it for you?" I responded while frowning, biting my tongue not to laugh.

"Oh, well, I guess if you're giving me the option, I'll kick my own ass, thanks." She widened her eyes and raised her eyebrows.

"What the devil is going on here?" Joe Moses asked.

"We're talking about Darren's ball and chain." Meredith answered with a chuckle. "The guy is a ball of love!"

"And how she has him so pussy whipped." Joe Walker added.

"Well, I don't find this surprising at all..." Tyler mocked, looking at me. "Freckles and Darren, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Freckles with a baby carriage." He sang and I just shook my head, amused.

"You are so annoying! OK? You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy all the time. This spare dude. You're such a spare!" I responded.

"Kill the spare!" Joe Walker added with a yell.

"How dare you!" Tyler placed a hand on his chest, pretending to be offended.

"You're just a bitch." I shrugged.

"Well, yeah...I consider myself to be a very reasonable uptight bitch." Tyler said with a proud smile.

"Aw, how cute! When you're in love life is a buttery biscuit, right Criss?" Bonnie suddenly asked.

"Well...Yeah, I guess." I frowned. She giggled and I understood she was just making fun of me.

"Who looks stupid now? You do!" Brian Holden mocked.

"Anyway, we gotta admit that she's so hot! I could totally put the moves on her." Joe Moses suddenly commented, checking Freckles from head to toe, who was talking to Mandy, Jen, Chuck and Lucy.

"Hey, Moses! You're not permitted to touch!" I exclaimed loudly, pretending to be super jealous.

"That's absurd!" Joe Moses exclaimed and I laughed.

"Are you really that pussy whipped, dude?" Joe Walker asked, looking at me as I just shrugged. "Richter, you live with this piece of shit! What's your opinion?" He asked out loud, but Joey just played dumb. "Dammit, Richter! Don't ignore me! I'll have your scalp." He exclaimed and we all laughed.

"My opinion, well... We're all poopers... we're all farters." Joey shrugged while laughing, then he looked at me. "But he's so charismatic! Not as much as Headmaster Zefron, but charismatic enough."

"Aw, thank you, Joey." I said grinning.

"I'm just a sidekick. But I love being at your side!" Joey winked and I chortled.

"I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man." Joe Walker commented.

"What do you want, you horrid bitch?!" Joe Moses pointed at him in abject horror.

"What are you talking about?" Jaime suddenly asked.

"Zac Effron and Taylor Lautner. And well, Darren's girl..." Joe Walker responded.

"Oh, yeah. She sure is beautiful." Jaime commented while looking at Freckles and I looked at with eyes wide open.

"Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot. She is far more appealing, far more interesting, and far more attractive than anyone I know... in my immediate group of friends." I exclaimed energetically.

"Alright, man, listen to me." Nicholas placed a hand on my shoulder. "Rule number one, dude. You never tell a girl that you like her. It just makes you look like an idiot." Nicholas said looking at me, pointing at me with his forefinger. "Who am I kidding? What I actually said was I want to hug... and kiss you." He hugged me tightly and gave me a noisy kiss on the cheek.

"Bloody shit!" Brian Rosenthal exclaimed while looking at us. "So much love is hurting my eyes!"

"Oh, come on! Guys, if you have ever laughed until you've cried, if you've ever cried until you laughed, if you've ever put on a play in your back yard, if you've ever stayed up all night singing silly songs with your friends, and those are the best moments of your life, then you believe in love! Alright?" Joe Moses suddenly said and we all just went 'Aww'.

"Now you're just being cute." I commented.

"Yeah, well, okay. I'm in charge of this mission now." Lauren spoke and looked straight in my eyes. "We have a surprise for you, Criss." She said and I looked at her amazed. "I hope you're wearing your diapers...'cause you're going to shit your pants!" She squealed and I burst out laughing as Dylan stood behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"Sit down, Darren ya little shit!" Dylan said, making me sit on the only chair that was there.

It was a video. They brought a video projector and projected the video on a wall. Each of them appeared saying their wishes for my birthday among jokes and nice words, some of them dressed in an everyday outfit, some of them wearing disguises, some of them talking consistently, some of them rambling, some of them joking all the time, some of them indoors, some of them outdoors, some of them in rooftops. I thought that in this video would appear just my college friends; but Chuck, Lucy, Jen and Mandy appeared. Also Freckles. She taped her part of the video in the Gallup Park, our place in Ann Arbor, in the same bench where we sat; she had a sweet smile on her face and the sunlight was making her eyes look very bright and beautiful. I glanced at the Freckles of real life and she smiled at me and shrugged, then I returned my gaze to the Freckles of the video.

"Hey, birthday boy! Look where I am! Can you recognize this place? Yeah, I know you tend to forget certain things like the lyrics of songs, so I'll remind you: this is our place, here in Ann Arbor. I guess this should be our favorite place, but truth is that being next to you is one of my favorite places to be just for the simple fact that every moment matters when I'm with you. Well, I'll try not to bore you with a very sentimental speech. I'm just gonna say that I'm so glad we're spending your birthday together for the first time. It's quite exciting, at least it is for me because you're someone very important in my life and we've shared a lot of special moments that I will never forget; and I hope we can continue experiencing more moments together and make them special. After all, I believe your best years are still ahead of you and I'll be there for every up, down and in-between; like the biggest pain in your ass. Now, for this day only, I'll let you be the bossy one and your wish will be my command. It's time to pop the champagne, make some noise, dish out some food, throw some confetti and burst some balloons! Oh, and I almost forgot... Today is a perfect day to tell you that I love you and I hope that all your dreams come true. Happy Birthday, Darebear!"

That was all she said and she was the only one who remained, so I assumed the video ended there; therefore, I looked at Freckles with a very sweet smile and when I attempted to stand up to hug her very tightly, something stopped me abruptly. To have heard that particular voice made my heart skip a beat and turn my gaze to the video right away. My smile vanished and my eyes filled with tears when I saw Brian's face. He was alive.

"Hey, bro! Well, I really suck at these kinds of things and speak to a camera makes me feel so awkward, but I'll try my best. Uh, well... This year I learned that a real friend understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are; and you've always done that; actually, you're the one who taught me that. Thank you for always standing by my side and supporting me. But even more than that, thank you for trusting and believing in me, even when I couldn't. I probably don't tell you often enough, but I treasure our friendship. It just feels amazing to have a friend like you in my life, though you're more like one of my family member. I feel privileged to have spent one more year of my life with you and I hope we can spend many more years together. I wish the best for you, not only on this day, but on every day of your life. Have a happy and fun-filled Birthday, buddy! I promise I'll do this better in person, so see you at your birthday party! Don't forget, we gotta party!"

He grinned showing all his teeth and his green eyes twinkled; and all of a sudden, the image of Brian's face faded out, just as his life faded out that day: All of a sudden. I couldn't even find the strength to hold back my tears. He was alive again for a few minutes. He was there, in this same place, in this same day, in my birthday. But it was just an illusion. A damn illusion. He said we gotta party, so where was he now? He said he would meet me at my birthday party, so where was he now? He promised he was gonna say it better in person, so where was he now? It was a promise. And he hoped we could spend many more years together, and that would never happen. And I was sad, and stunned, and frustrated. Why would Brian do this to me? Why would he promise to see me again and then disappear all of a sudden, and then appear again for a few minutes as an illusion that he was still alive? The place was invaded by an abysmal and dim silence that I couldn't bear. Without saying anything at all and making an extraordinary effort to continue crying in silence, I stormed out the industrial shed as fast as possible. I ran a few miles until I fell on the floor in devastation, bringing my legs to my chest and burying my face on my knees to cry, this time not minding to make it loud. From my jacket pocket, I pulled out the drumsticks he gave me that I always carried with me, and I held them tight. I wished he could be here for real and not to pretend that the drumsticks were the real Brian. They say birthdays are to spend with all of your loved ones, but it's not always like that, sometimes you're not lucky to get that chance. Suddenly, I felt a pair of delicate arms enfolding around me. I didn't have to look up to know that the person who was hugging me was Freckles.

"I'm sorry, Darebear." She whispered and kissed the top of my head. I turned my face to look at her, my eyes glimmering with tears.

"Why did you do this to me? Why didn't you warn me about this?" I asked with strangled voice as more tears rolled down my cheeks.

"It was a surprise. I thought you'd like it." She answered calmly, her voice sounding smooth.

"I wasn't prepared to see my dead best friend talking there as though he was alive! I wasn't prepared!" I yelled in anger, but mostly in despair. Freckles lowered her gaze.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I thought it'd be nice."

"It wasn't nice! It was ghoulish!" I blurted madly. Freckles' face was now showing sorrow. "Do you know how it felt?" I asked, ignoring her sad eyes looking down. "Did you notice the fucking irony of hearing him saying that he will see me at the party to tell me all of that in person? Did you notice the fucking morbidness of seeing him there, so damn alive? Did you notice the macabre of him believing we would spend many more years together? When did he tape that video? Days before he died? It was gruesome to see him talking without a fucking clue that days after that day he was gonna die!" I snorted in frustration. Then I paused and looked at the drumsticks, feeling deeply distressed. "It wasn't nice. It was painful. It hurt me that you put him in that video and I had to see my best friend there, causing me this false belief that he was alive." I uttered with choked voice, tears still falling down. It was followed by a long silence.

"Brian was my best friend, too." Freckles whispered with brittle voice, looking at me with a pair of teary eyes.

I looked at her and I felt guilty for taking my anger out on her. This wasn't her fault, Brian's death wasn't her fault. I knew her intentions weren't bad. She just wanted to do something nice as she's been doing all day long and I just ran off at the mouth. I didn't know how to apologize, so instead, I gave her one of the drumsticks, which she accepted. She shed few tears, but wiped them away, then looked at me with a faint smile.

"I'm sorry for ruining your birthday." She apologized. "I wanted to make it special, but I failed." She shrugged and looked at the drumstick.

"You didn't fail." I finally spoke calmly. "You made it special since I opened my eyes in fear when you blew that noisemaker." I added and she let out a muffled chuckle. "You made me feel special." I wrapped an arm around her and kissed her temple. "And yeah, it really felt painful when I saw Brian talking in that video... But I just realized why you decided to add his tape." I said while brushing her cheek with my thumb.

"It wasn't to make you feel hurt." She said afflicted.

"It wasn't to make me feel hurt." I asserted with a sweet grin in her direction.

"I thought it'd be a nice surprise." She smiled weakly and I looked deeply into her eyes. "I thought it'd make you feel even more special." She added and I frowned slightly when her eyes shimmered with tears. "Because since the day he passed away, all of us were aware that nobody will see Brian again, nobody will hear him saying something to us, nobody will get his smile in our direction. But you got it. You are the only one who got to see Brian again telling you something very touching, smiling at you. You are the last person to whom he dedicated his last words and his last smile. You are the one who got the last remaining thing of him. And that is something special. You got something special that nobody will ever get. And that was what I hoped you to feel." She confessed as my eyes flooded with tears.

When she grinned at me, the tears escaped my eyes like a stream. I haven't realized it before she put it into words. She was right. I was probably the most special and lucky guy among all of us because I got the last of him. Freckles should have been the one, but I was the one and I didn't appreciate it in that moment, which was unfair because I knew Freckles would have liked to receive a surprise like that. I got him to be on my birthday, and Freckles wouldn't get him to be on her birthday ever again.

"You're right, Freckles." I muttered with strangled voice and she smiled and nodded. "I really wish he could have been here with us this day and every day forward. But he was here, after all. In his own way. And there's nothing better than his own way, because it's something that makes him unique, as he'd always been." I wiped my tears away and I hugged her. "Thank you for this."

"Don't thank me. Thank Brian." She said, giving me the drumstick I gave her. "Also..." She added while fumbling in the pocket of her coat jacket. She pulled out a little box. "Brian got you a birthday present." She announced and I looked at her astonished, my heart beating fast.

I took it with my shaky hands and I stared at it for a while before opening it. There were two boxes inside. With Brian's handwriting, one of them spelled "First gift" and the other "The real gift". So I opened the "First gift". I burst out laughing and burst out tears when I saw it, a mix between the appreciation of his sense of humor and the sadness because of something that was and no longer was. It was the essay of Shakespeare he wanted to finish for me and I forced him not to do it, the day he moved out from my apartment. There was a little note.

"I'm a stubborn of this nature, buddy. So, Happy Birthday! Here's your finished essay of Shakespeare. ;)"

"What is it?" Freckles suddenly asked.

Apparently she didn't see those gifts, so I handed it to her as I opened "The real gift". I heard her giggling as I smiled and chuckled when I saw the other gift. It was a Marvin the Martian tie and a 'I do my own stunts' Buzz Lightyear shirt, which made me remember an old conversation we had.

"That's bullshit, man. Bullshit." I exclaimed while we were watching an action movie. "Look at that, man! It's so obvious that the actor got a stuntman."

"Well, duh." Brian answered. "They won't risk making the actor do an action that could hurt them."

"Again. Bullshit." I repeated. "If I ever appear on a movie, I'll do my own stunts, cause I'm a badass like Buzz Lightyear and my actions will be incredibly destructive and legitimately dangerous like the actions of Marvin the Martian."

"And you could die. But what the hell, man! You do your own stunts!" He laughed and winked.

"What is it?" I heard Freckles asking again and I handed her the gifts as I read the note that was there.

"A badass like Buzz Lightyear and a legitimately dangerous person like Marvin the Martian deserves to wear cool outfits. Happy Birthday, buddy!"

"Well, this is weird." Freckles commented and I smiled.

"Yeah, we have a whole story about Buzz Lightyear and Marvin the Martian." I responded. "This is such a cool present." I added, then I looked at the drumsticks. "Thank you, buddy. I promise you'll see me doing my own stunts on a movie." When I looked up, I saw Freckles grinning kindly at me. "I'm sorry you won't see him on your birthday and you won't get a present from him as I did. You deserved to get something of him after his death."

"Oh... Maybe I won't see him on my birthday and maybe I won't get any surprise gift from him... But I did get something of him after his death." She responded with a gentle smile and I looked at her astounded. "When he was in prison, after he was sentenced at death and he thought he was gonna die, he wrote a letter to me. I found it the day I returned to my dorm room after his death. It helped me to face his death in another way and it helped me not to sink in depression. So yeah, I got something very special of him."

"That's really nice to know." I smiled at her and she nodded.

"He told me that I was his blanket. And he requested me to be your blanket now." She said and I frowned in confusion.

"What is that thing of blanket?" I asked because I was wondering what it meant since the first time she mentioned it.

"Later we can go to my dorm room and I can show you the letter. He explains it perfectly." She responded.

"What if we go now? I mean, I know I'm supposed to be there because it's my birthday celebration; but they'll understand that I'm not in mood to celebrate anything." I suggested and she hesitated. "I really wanna spend the last hours of my birthday with things that can remind me of Brian and feel he was present on this day." I added and with this I convinced her.

I texted Chuck to ask him if he could let everybody know that I was very sorry but I wanted to be alone in that moment, and I told him that I was going to Freckles' dorm room and probably I'd spend the night there. When we arrived, we sat at the table with two coffee mugs, and she read the letter out loud. I listened to her very intently and I looked deeply into her eyes since she started until she finished reading, so I saw the process of how her eyes were filling with more tears with each sentence pronounced. Nonetheless, she never wiped the smile off of her face. Oddly enough, I could understand the contradiction of these two gestures when I heard what Brian wrote, and I understood from where her strength came. And I totally understood the metaphor of the blanket. I was actually quite impressed by the way Brian always could find the words to explain a very simple and complex concept or feeling, turning his explanation into a touching text. When she finished reading, she looked up at me and gave me a fond smile.

"See? Brian and I both knew that you're the person who also loves me like a child loves their blanket. And Brian and I both knew that I should be your blanket." She commented and I gulped.

For the first time, I didn't feel jealous of Brian, and, instead, I felt bad because I was like stealing his blanket. I always tried to steal his blanket, even when he was alive; and all he ever did was to offer me his blanket. I related this to the story of bubbles that Mandy told, and I felt like I was also a bubble like Mandy, who was always running over other bubbles, who always tried to run over Brian's bubble who was trying to be nice all the time.

"Darren?" Freckles suddenly called up. "You seem to be in a trance." She said and I looked up and shook my head.

"Sorry, it's something I just remembered." I apologized. "Never mind."

"I was saying that I hope you could understand what I meant when I said I'm now your blanket." She responded and my mind wandered again.

Mandy said that he gave her part of his love to keep it saved with her. And I haven't realized till now that he also gave me part of his love to keep it saved with me; and that part was his blanket. He never told me so because he was sure that I'll always keep it safe and I had no doubt about being with her; but he asked Freckles to be my blanket because he knew she would be the one doubting, perhaps because she would feel like she was betraying him by being with me. Brian wanted me to have Freckles as my blanket and he knew I loved her as my blanket.

"Darren?" Freckles asked again and this time, when I looked up, I smiled fondly at her.

"As Brian said in the letter, I love you like a child loves their blanket. You're my blanket, Freckles. And I want you to know that what I told you that night is still standing. I am also your blanket and I hope you can love me as a child loves their blanket." I answered and she smiled with teary eyes.

She just nodded, but that was enough for me. I knew she couldn't talk and I knew she still had her doubts, I knew she wanted to take this slow, little by little. And I was gonna wait for her because I knew that at the end the waiting would be worth it. When she shifted her gaze to wipe her tears away, I saw other paper that was in the box from where she pulled out Brian's letter; but that paper had her handwriting. I took it and I asked before reading it.

"What is this?" I asked and when she saw what I had in my hands, she parted her lips and looked at me a bit frightened, or ashamed.

"Just... Uh... Nothing..." She babbled.

"Can I read it?" I asked and she looked away and pursed her lips. "I won't judge." I added. Without glancing at me, she nodded; so I read it.

The Future.

I know pretty well that you won't be here.

You won't be on the street, in the murmur that springs from the night and the street lights. Neither will you be in the gestures of choosing a menu, nor in the smile that lights up the darkness, nor in the books lent, nor in the 'see you tomorrow'.

You won't be in my dreams. Neither will you be in the original destination of my words, nor in a phone number, nor in the color of a pair of gloves or a sweater.

I will be angry, without it being your fault. And I will buy a Cappuccino, but not for you. And I will stand in the corner, where you won't come. And I will say the things I can say, and I will eat the things I can eat, and I will dream the dreams that can be dreamed.

And I know pretty well that you won't be here.

You won't be here, within the prison of my heart where I withhold you; nor out there, in that world of streets and bridges.

You won't be here at all. You won't be my memory. And when I think of you, I will think in a thought each time more blurred that faintly tries to remember you.

I knew she referred to Brian. When I finished reading it I understood the real pain she was feeling deep down, I understood with what level of pain she was learning to live. I knew she was deeply sad because of the loss, but if I hadn't read this, I'd have never known that she was that sad. She wanted to believe she could see something good out of this, but she couldn't see it yet; maybe she just needed a little boost up. And I knew how to do it.

"Do you mind if I write another version of this text from me to you about Brian?" I requested gently and she shook her head no. She even gave me a pen. And I changed it.

The Future.

I know pretty well that you will be here.

You won't be on the street, but you will be in the murmur that springs from the night and the street lights. You will be in my gestures of choosing a menu, in my smile that lights up the darkness, in your books that now belong to me, in the 'see you at the back of my heart'.

You will be in my dreams. You will be in the original destination of my words, you won't be in a phone number, but you will be in the color of my pair of gloves or a sweater that reminds me of you.

I will be happy, with it being your fault. And I will buy a Cappuccino, and think about you. And I will stand in the corner, where I will dearly remember you. And I will say the things I can say, and I will eat the things I can eat, and I will dream the dreams that can be dreamed, keeping you present in them.

And I know pretty well that you will be here.

You will be here, within the fondness of my heart where I withhold you; also in there, in that world of streets and bridges within my soul.

You will be here at all times. You will be my memory. And when I think of you, I will think in a thought each time more treasured that fondly remembers you as my best friend who will be eternally alive in me.

I was pretty satisfied with what I wrote. I handed it to her and when she read it, I saw how her eyes glistened with tears again, but this time they were tears of joy. She looked up at me and grinned. Once again, she couldn't talk, but it wasn't necessary, she always had that ability to talk to me through her eyes; so I got that she wanted to thank me.

"Hey, I wanna sing something for you. May I?" I asked and she nodded.

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

The sun will rise

To better days

And change will come

It's on its way

Just close your eyes

And let it rain

'Cause you're never alone

I will always be there

You just carry on

You will understand

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

Just look inside

You know the way

Let it go

Fly away

And say goodbye

To yesterday

'Cause you're never alone

And I will always be there

You just carry on

You will understand

And I will be strong

When love is gone

I'll carry on...

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

The sun will rise

To better days

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

Just close your eyes

And let it rain

When you need it the most

And all you've got is a prayer

You must carry on

You will understand

You will understand

You will understand

You'll be okay

You'll be okay

You'll be okay.

"Thank you, Darebear. It means a lot." She finally spoke with strangulated voice. She leaned over and kissed my cheek. I took advantage to take her hand and make her sit on my lap to hug her very tightly and warmly.

"I love you, baby." I whispered in her ear while stroking her hair.

"I love you, too." She responded and I felt a warm sensation inside. She parted and gave me a brief kiss on the cheek. "I wanna sing something for you. Would you like it?"

"That shouldn't even be a question, baby." I answered, placing my hands firmly on her waist. She tittered and nodded.

Well you know me with that ancient gaze

Stripping down with yesterday's eyes

You know me as I was, you see me as I will be

And I still had a lot of growing

When you took me and you shaped me with those hands

You know me better than myself

Make me better than I am

Oh, you know me well

Know me well

Know me well

Oh, you know me well

Know me well

Know me well

When I think about my past

I see our love too many years before you came

In my hopes and my dreams

With the wax and the moon wanes

And you saw what I could be

Please teach me how to be what I was meant to be

See, without you I was nothing

But with you can be anything

Oh, you know me well

Know me well

Know me well

Oh, you know me well

Know me well

Know me well

What can I fear

When I know that I walk by your side

You're the fortress

Within which I got nothing to hide

None can take me

I'm the tower the world cannot fell

'Cos I'm stronger

When I know that you know me well

Know me well

Know me well

Oh, you know me well

Know me well

Know me well

She finished singing and I was looking deeply into her eyes that never stopped looking at me during the whole song. One of the corners of my mouth curled up as I got lost into her eyes, just seeing that girl I loved so much who just finished singing one of the simplest but most wonderful songs ever. I wondered if she really meant it and if she could understand how deep telling that to someone was. When she smiled and kissed my forehead, I became aware that she really meant it. We spent the night together, just lying down next to each other, cuddling and looking intensely into each other's eyes until it was midnight and my birthday was over; that was the moment when we fell asleep. I was glad I spent the last seconds of my birthday only with her.

---

You were in a rage. You were insulting and yelling at the nurse at the reception and all the nurses and doctors who were passing by. You were howling at Mandy and Jen who were with you and were trying to calm you. You were shooting withering looks to everybody who dared to look at you as thought you were crazy. And you were crazy because you were mad; but you had solid reasons to be mad. You threw the bowl of candies that was in the reception desk against a wall, and before security could kick you out, you stormed out, roaring and growling, banging the main doors behind you. You wanted to burn the U-M Health System hospital. But you didn't have a lighter or anything like. Mandy and Jen came out few seconds later; they looked at you cautiously, also thinking that you were crazy as everybody inside the incompetent hospital.

"How can that be possible? How?" You roared.

"I don't know, sweetie. But you gotta calm down. You acted in a very ill-mannered and loud-mouthed way." Mandy answered gently but in all seriousness.

"How do you expect me not to act in such a way? You heard what they said? You heard it?" You screamed in exasperation, feeling the anger heating your very core.

"We all heard it, Freckles. And yes, it's not fair, but instead of yelling, we should have tried our best to come to an agreement." Jen answered, also gently but very serious.

"To what kind of agreement can you come with stupid, heartless and unqualified people like them, eh?" You howled, scowling and clenching your teeth.

"To any kind of agreement instead of leaving the hospital with nothing at all." Mandy raised an eyebrow.

"I am so mad." You harrumphed. "I'm so done with this fucking hospital. So done. So mad."

"We know. But we won't stop until we get it. Nevertheless, I think we should try it another day, today they will just kick us out as soon as they get to see us." Jen answered and you, all of a sudden, dissolved into a puddle of tears. "Hey..." Jen wrapped an arm around you and so did Mandy. "We will get it, Freckles." She whispered and you shook your head.

"Yes, sis. We will get it." Mandy assured and squeezed your shoulder.

"How dare they to mention his aunt? How on earth dare they?" You sobbed and wailed, still in anger but also distressed.

"Because, sadly, they have a point." Jen responded softly. "They're just following the rules of the hospital and his aunt, no matter what kind of relationship they had, is still the closest and only relative he had."

"Fuck those rules!" You yelled in frustration. "His aunt just wanted to fuck his life, she won't fuck his death, too!"

"Sis, we know that and we won't allow that. But we have to find a way of how not to let it happen." Mandy rubbed your back.

"Do you understand the severity of this situation?" You asked, looking at Mandy and Jen in despair. "I don't know how, but his aunt found out that her nephew, someone she despised, is dead and she came to the hospital to claim for him. What for? What for, eh?" You asked loudly, feeling such turmoil that was making you wheeze. "She has no rights! She was nothing but trouble in Brian's life! Why would she want Brian's body? I don't get it and all I can think about is Jim and a perverse and macabre and morbid game he wants to start again with Brian's body! And I'm not gonna allow it! I'm not gonna allow Jim to do such a horrible thing! They have no rights!" You growled and hot tears raced down your cheeks. "And the stupid and brainless nurse didn't want to tell us a damn shit about Brian! Nothing at all! Because we're not relatives. Fuck that! We were Brian's real family after his dad passed away! His aunt was nothing, she hated him! Why cannot they understand it? What if his aunt already took Brian's body?" You asked drearily and very concerned.

You couldn't help yourself, you were blurting everything without minding to say coherent things. You shook your head and started walking in circles, more tears falling down your face. Mandy and Jen were speechless, just looking at you sadly.

"It's not good. I can't even grieve my best friend. I can't even plan a funeral. I can't even bury him in a nice place with a nice monument with some words that could honor his memory! Why can't I do it? Why? I need to do it, goddammit! I have to do it! He was my fucking best friend and I have to do it!" You wailed with choked voice, bringing a hand to your forehead, closing your eyes.

"We will get to bury him in a nice place with a nice monument with meaningful words that will honor his memory, Freckles. Maybe not as soon as we thought it'd be, but we will get it one way or another." Jen assured, placing a hand on your shoulder. "And if his aunt took his body, we're gonna find that bitch and we're gonna get him back. No matter what. Okay?" She asked and you wiped your tears away to look at her.

"Do you promise?" You sniffled, finally starting to calm down. She smiled kindly at you before pulling you into a warm hug.

"Of course I promise it, Freckles. Do you really think I'll let a bitch have the body of the boy I loved?" She asked and that made you be sure that she would never break the promise.

"I promise that, too. I won't let a bitch have the body of the guy who was my brother." Mandy added.

"And I won't let a bitch have the body of the man who was my ex-boyfriend and my best friend." You said, wiping all your tears away and Jen and Mandy grinned and nodded.

Jim and Brian's aunt wouldn't fuck up with this. This time they wouldn't win their macabre game, because a person in love, a sister and an ex-girlfriend and best friend wouldn't allow it. And when you fight for something or someone you love, nothing can beat it.

---

I was just observing her from her bed. I gave up on helping her. I swear I put all my willpower to help her, but it was pointless, she wouldn't listen, she would find the most insignificant thing to prove that something was significant in order to keep it, she would say that maybe someday we would find a useful reason for certain thing. I knew this was hard for her, it was a bit hard for me too; but we couldn't keep all of Brian's belongings. There were four boxes, like the three boxes Brian had classified for when his dad passed away: "Keep", "Charity", "Friends"; and a fourth box "Throw". Imagine which of those four boxes was the one who had more stuff while the "Throw" box contained a single thing: A gum wrapper that Brian had left on the table the morning of the day he passed away. When she wanted to keep something but she realized that her box was brimming with stuff, she put them in the "Friends" box with silly excuses: "Jen would love to have this, it would remind her of him", "Mandy just saw this once, but she loved it that time", "I bet Lucy likes this", "Maybe this could be handy for Meredith", "Ah! Chuck sure enjoys this", "Joey must have this"... "Darren, this will be very useful for you". And it will be not, but I had to say "You're right", otherwise she would start arguing with me and we would keep discussing for hours on.

"Freckles, you can't keep his eyeglasses. They have a different grade from what you need and it can damage your vision." I said when I saw her putting them in her box.

"Maybe someday I'll need to use this grade." She shrugged.

"Impossible. They have different grades in each eyeglass lenses. Each person has their own eyeglass prescription." I responded, but she ignored my comment and continued seeing Brian's belongings; so I sighed.

Man, she couldn't be that stubborn. I lay down in her bed and I let her continue putting stuff in her box. I saw the four piles of books that were on the nightstand that she hasn't classified yet and I grabbed one. Not a random book; I grabbed "The picture of Dorian Gray" and I chuckled when I remembered that he totally spoiled me the end of that book that I never continued reading ever since he moved out my apartment.

"Brian, you bastard." I exclaimed without realizing I was saying it out loud. I did realize it when Freckles turned her face to look at me astonished for what I said. I just smiled and showed her the book. "I was so into the story and he spoiled me the end of this book."

"Weird, he never spoiled me the end of a book. Moreover, I'd insist him to tell me the end of the book because I'm always very anxious, and he wouldn't say a damn word. Seriously, he annoyed me. I wanted to know so badly and he would not tell me anything because he wanted me to read the whole shit!" She giggled for the first time in the day.

"Can you see my point now? Wasn't he a bastard?" I asked amused and she laughed.

"Yes, totally. A lovable bastard, though." She smiled.

"I agree." I said while looking at the book. "I used to read him this book when he was having those awful nightmares. It calmed him a lot."

"It was one of his favorites books." She responded and I nodded.

"Can I keep this?" I asked for the very first time.

"Sure you can." She replied with a kind grin.

"Actually... Do you think I could keep all of his books? I mean, perhaps not forever because maybe you want them... But at least just until I read them. I want to read them." I said babbling.

"Yes, you can, Darebear." She said gently. "I'll just ask you for two or three of his books that mean a lot to me, but after you read them. You can keep the rest."

"Thank you, Freckles."

For some odd reason, the only I wanted from Brian were his books. Maybe it was because I knew how important books were for him, maybe because we shared something related to books when he had those nightmares, maybe because in his books I'd find the reason why he loved reading and why he dreamed of becoming a writer. Maybe I'd find something in them that he also found and that way we wouldn't stop sharing more things, even if he was no longer physically here. I was very distracted reading the titles of each one of his 40 books until I glanced at Freckles and I saw her putting Brian's white and green striped pullover in her box. When the fuck would she wear it? It was time to intervene, because I could understand it was hard as fuck to get rid of things that make us remember of someone so much, because it's always hard to let go those things because it's like letting someone go for real, forever... But I also knew that in a future Freckles would stare the things she was keeping that were useless for her and she would see them lying there, static, unchanging, with no owner to give them a reason to exist; and she would think that Brian was now just like that pullover: Someone who had a reason to exist because his soul was owner of his body, but who was now a static memory, who would never grow old and would never change as we constantly change. Like me, she had to keep the things that would allow her create more memories and share new things with him, even if he wasn't physically here; not to keep things that would remind her that Brian was no longer here and would never share new things with her. I stood up and — without saying anything — I took the pullover and put it in the "Charity" box. She looked at me furious.

"What are you doing?" She asked harshly, attempting to grab the pullover again; but I took her hands and forced her to sit on bed.

"You will never wear that pullover, Freckles." I said and she frowned and tried to stand up, but I placed my hands on her shoulders, preventing her from moving.

"I need to keep that pullover, Darren. And I'll wear it... When I'm at home, wearing comfy clothes..." She responded upset, again trying to stand up but I didn't let her do so. She huffed and looked into my eyes. "I love how it looked on him and I always told him that was my favorite pullover because it used to bring out his green eyes. It's the only Brian's garment that I'm keeping because it reminds me so much of him. I want it."

"Freckles..." I sighed and I kneeled in front of her, taking both of her hands and looking deeply into her sad eyes. "You don't need a pullover to remember him. You don't need anything material and inanimate to remember him. As a matter of fact, the inanimate objects will probably remind you of him, but it'll make you feel bad because you'll just remember how it used to look on him, how he used to do this or that with this or that, how you two used to do this and that. It's everything about the awful words 'used to'." I said slowly, never taking my eyes off her. She was still upset, now scowling in confusion, too. So I decided to elaborate what I was trying so hard to make her understand. "There are few things worse than the words 'used to', because those words imply something that was but will never be again, something that stuck there and will never go further, something that ended and will never start again, something that will be just in the past and never in the present or future."

"But Brian used to be alive. So the words 'used to' are inevitable when it comes to him. It's sad, but it won't change." Freckles looked away and I remained silent for a while. I decided to ignore her comment because it was obvious she didn't get my point; so I was gonna continue explaining it, instead.

"You don't want to remember Brian as someone who 'used to' whatever." I stated and my voice echoed in the silence. She glanced at me. "You really want him to still be, you want him to go further, you want him to start again, you want him to be in the present and future; even if it's just in the memories, in the dreams, in the mind, in the heart, or in the soul. You don't want to put an end to Brian and what you had with him."

"But..." She started contradicting me, but I put my forefinger on her mouth to make her shut up.

"As your blanket, it's my duty to protect you. This time I have to protect you from yourself, because if you keep doing this, you're gonna hurt yourself. So, please, listen to me." I said gently and she sighed but nodded. "You gotta keep the things that will allow you to discover new things about him that you didn't know but you found in his belongings, hidden in there. That way you'll never stop knowing him, he'll change and be alive, you'll never stop sharing new things with him and you'll never stop having new experiences and memories with him; even if those new experiences will be quite different from the experiences we're used to experience with others. But it'll be something new, just between you and him. That's the way your friendship will never die. And that's the way you won't hurt yourself." I brushed her hands with my thumbs as we stared deeply into each other's eyes.

"But I want that pullover." She whispered.

I rolled my eyes and growled, standing up to walk away from her. Really. After that entire fucking explanation that even convinced myself and allowed me to understand things that before I couldn't. Shit, man. Sometimes her stubbornness drove me nuts.

"Do the fuck you want, Freckles. I was just trying to..." I started answering, but she interrupted me.

"Yes, of course I'll do the fuck I want..." She said while standing up and I interrupted her.

"Because you're as stubborn as fuck..." I snapped upset.

"Because this is how I fucking am..."

"And you fucking push the envelope sometimes..."

"Fuck you, Darren." She roared and I shot her a furious look. All of a sudden, she looked down. "I'm sorry." She whispered and I raised my eyebrows. "I'm sorry. Really, Dare. I've overreacted and yes, you're right, I'm stubborn as fuck. But just… It's hard for me to get rid of Brian's things because part of me is still hoping that this is just a bad dream and at any moment Brian is gonna cross this door and everything will return to normal." She confessed and let out a sigh, sitting on her bed again. I looked at her very intently from the distance. "What you said… It's actually a very nice point of view to take all of this. But… I just don't know what thing of him will allow me to have new experiences with him as you said." She shrugged. I walked to her bed and sat next to her.

"I can help you with that if you promise you won't try to keep everything." I said and she nodded. "For instance, I'm keeping his books, because I know what books meant to him. So maybe in them I can find new things about him and perhaps share this passion of reading." I explained and she glanced at me, giving me a faint smile. "He really didn't own many things. But you can keep his laptop. There must be a lot of personal things in his laptop that you didn't know. You can keep some of his books, too. You definitely have to keep the gray box, because it contains all he thought and felt for you; maybe you'll notice things you didn't before. And you can keep that ring he used to wear, because that's something you can wear, too. You can keep his CDs of the music he liked and find out why he liked that music. You can keep his favorite pen, the one he always used to write when he was inspired; maybe it'll inspire you to write something and so that you'll be sharing something new. And well, if sometimes you just want to remember him and just that, you can keep his perfume, because nothing can make you remember someone more than the smell of certain perfume. I think that with those things, you'll be fine." I said with a friendly smile, wrapping an arm around her.

"Can I keep the pullover, too?" She asked and I looked at her in disbelief. She grinned weakly. "I'm just kidding."

"You know what?" I asked, rubbing her arm. "Keep the pullover. After all, it's a cool and warm pullover." I shrugged and she just shook her head, looking down. "Yes, do it. But just that pullover. You'll put those purple socks in the Charity box and that leather jacket in the Friends box, because I like it and I could wear it. And the eyeglasses, Freckles... Seriously, put that in the Charity box. And please, the papers of his last unfinished assignment stained with coffee... Throw box." I said, looking intently as she tittered and nodded.

"Thank you." Her eyes fixed on mine. "You... I love you. And..." She paused and looked deeply into my eyes.

I noticed she was a bit nervous, as though she was hesitating whether she should do something or not. I frowned slightly and she decided to do it. She lifted her head and gave me a peck on the lips. I froze in surprise, but when she parted, I smiled at her.

"Sorry. I just love you so much." She looked down and I picked up her chin.

"Do not ever say sorry for doing that." I whispered and pecked her lips. "I love you so much, too, baby." I fondled her cheek as she blushed slightly and grinned shyly, which reminded me of the teenage Freckles. "Now... I know you want to take things slow... But I won't stop calling you baby and I won't stop doing things to make you be sure you want to be my girlfriend. Okay?"

"Okay." She giggled and hugged me. "Thank you for being so patient with me."

"Please, baby... I could wait forever if that means that at the end I'll have you. As if you didn't know that already." I said jokingly, but that was the truth. "I was thinking..." I narrowed my eyes and looked at her amused. "If I add my loneliness to yours, what would I get in return? Two loneliness or none?" I asked and she frowned.

"Uh..." She muttered. "I'm afraid I'll need time to think about the answer." I nodded.

"Think about it. Okay?" I asked. "Now, we should go. The guys are waiting for us in that restaurant."

I held her hand and I put Brian's ring in her thumb before leaving. And I sang a part of a song in her ear while we were walking.

Kiss me goodnight

Like a good friend might

I'll do the same

But won't mean it

Cause love is a cage

These words on a page

Carry the pain

They don't free it

In another life

I wouldn't need to

Console myself

As I resign to release you

Cause I would die to make you mine

Bleed me dry each and every time

I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever

Push me away and tell me never

I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

---

"Well, this is our last night here, well, at least for me and Lucy; so I propose to order a bottle of champagne and make a toast." Chuck said, wrapping an arm around Lucy.

"That would be cool." Joey said.

"Wait..." You suddenly said frowning. Apparently they made certain decisions you still didn't know, maybe because you've been locked in your dorm room, deciding what to do with Brian's belongings. "What about you, Jen? Don't you also have to come back to NYC for college?"

"Yes." She answered. "But I've managed to ask for an internship in Detroit that is not far from Ann Arbor, so I'll stay here." She responded and you smiled. "We still have things to do, if you know what I mean. I can't just leave."

"That's really nice." You commented. "Do you wanna stay at my dorm room?" You asked because Meredith decided to move to her boyfriend's dorm room and you didn't want to be alone.

"Oh, I actually rented an apartment because I'll need my own space." She responded and you nodded.

"And what about you, Mandy? Don't you have to return to LA to run your company?" You asked curiously, looking intently at your sister.

"Well, yeah, but as Jen, I can't leave because we still have things to do. Besides... I wanna spend more time with Joey." She said smiling while running her fingers through Joey's hair. "Therefore, I'll work from a distance. My general manager is gonna take charge of the company for as long as I am away and I already set a regular reporting routine for video conferencing. Nothing to worry about." She shrugged and that also made you smile.

"So you wanna stay because you wanna be with your boyfriend but not with your little sis?" You asked jokingly, raising an eyebrow.

"I thought I didn't have to say it for you to know that one of the reasons I'll stay is because I wanna be with my lil sis." She answered and you chuckled.

"So, you wanna stay at my dorm room?" You asked, even if you already knew the answer.

"I'm gonna stay at Joey's apartment. But... I can spend one week at his apartment, and another week at your dorm room. What do you think?" She asked and you grinned faintly and nodded.

"I can always stay at your dorm room, baby." Darren whispered in your ear and winked. This made you giggle and nudge him playfully. "But seriously, though... Imagine every night lying next to this guy, rubbing this hot chest and stroking these wild curls..." He continued whispering in your ear with husky voice. "Hearing my sexy snores and feeling my sweat against your skin." He joked in a whisper and you turned your face to look at him amused.

"Darren, you're so gross!" You exclaimed loudly with a giggle and everybody looked at your direction.

"What is he doing this time, eh?" Chuck asked with a mischievous smirk. "Bro, are you whispering her your sexual fantasies? I told you not to do it!"

"I couldn't help it." Darren shrugged while laughing. "They're so hot." He bit his lips and imitated the roar of a feline while looking at you.

"You two better get a room tonight." Mandy commented with a wink.

Everybody, including you and Darren, looked at her bewildered. Was this Mandy saying that? Your sister who still couldn't picture you and Darren again together? You didn't know where that came from, but you knew you were now blushing like a teen.

"We will do it in the living room of my apartment, so you can enjoy the show. Right, baby?" Darren asked while wrapping an arm around you. You felt your cheeks flushing now.

"Fuck you, man. I don't wanna see that if Mandy and I can't join." Joey joked.

"Are you suggesting a foursome? Sounds about right to me. Do you want that, baby?" Darren asked amused, his gaze fixed on you.

"Darren, you're making her blush." Jen commented with a chuckle. That just made it worse.

"She can be pretty shy, but once she's in action, the shyness goes to hell and a wild animal rises." Darren winked and now you looked away, trying your best to stop the blushing.

"It's a family trait." Mandy shrugged.

"I believe so..." Joey purred in front of Mandy's lips.

"Freckles, what about that champagne now?" Lucy asked with an amused smile.

"Oh, yeah." You responded.

"Don't get mad, baby. I was just kidding..." Darren whispered in your ear, but you avoided looking at him. "But someday I'd like to see that wild animal within you." He winked and you shot him a withering look. "Kidding, baby. Well, half kidding to be more accurate."

"Yeah, sure." You sighed. "You won't be able to handle the wild animal within me, though." You whispered seductively in his ear and you saw his eyes darkening, a naughty smirk crossing his lips.

"You're turning me on, baby." He whispered, placing a hand on your thigh.

"Really?" You groaned in his ear, placing your hand on the inner side of his thigh as he shivered. "What about this?" You rubbed your hand up and he got strained. "Be subtle, babe... You don't want everybody to know that you're trying hard not to get a boner in a restaurant." You teased and he bit his lips and finally blushed.

"Darren? Man, are you blushing?" Joey asked and Darren gulped and blushed even more.

"I wonder what my sister has whispered to make him blush." Mandy raised an eyebrow and smirked amused.

"You are like two teens and it's so hilarious." Chuck commented.

"I'll get back at you, baby. I swear." Darren whispered and you just beamed with all your teeth and leaned to plant a kiss on his cheek.

"Guys, excuse me. I need to use the bathroom." You announced and stood up.

You walked to the restroom and you noticed Darren was following you with his gaze, so you walked with a hip-shaking movement. Before entering the restroom, you glanced at Darren, who had a smirk on his face, looking fixedly at you. You used the bathroom and then you walked to the lavatories to wash your hands; and when you were looking in the mirror, removing the smeared makeup from under your eyes, you heard how someone entered and closed the door latch. Your heart pounded when you heard it, because you had bad past experiences in the bathroom. Fearfully, you turned around to see who it was and you saw a girl with long red hair and blue eyes.

"I'm sorry I scared you. It wasn't intentional." She said gently, walking closer to you. "Do you remember me, Freckles?" She asked as you were calming down, but feeling a bit suspicious.

"Yes, Kelly. Long time no see." You answered, your face expressionless. She grinned and nodded, stepping closer as you wouldn't stop staring her in suspicion.

"I was afraid you'd pull my hair as soon as you saw me. We didn't start in a good way, eh?" She asked, her voice sounding too loud and her laughter sounding loud and fake. "Actually, we started in a very bad way." She almost yelled.

You frowned and looked at her distrustfully. Why was she speaking so loud? There was nobody else in the bathroom and there were no other sounds, so you could hear her. She stepped even closer and you stepped back.

"It's weird to meet you here. What a coincidence!" She exclaimed, still very loudly.

"Have you followed me?" You asked in suspicion.

"Following you?" She laughed obstreperously. "That's ridiculous, Freckles!" She exclaimed vociferously. "I'm here just having dinner with my boyfriend!"

"Oh that's nice..." You replied, not knowing what else to do.

Why was she talking to you? You didn't have a good relationship. And all of a sudden she walked the steps that were separating you two and placed her hands on your shoulders to prevent you from moving; you were about to curse at her, but she covered your mouth. Therefore, the fear appeared again; you didn't like this at all. She leaned to your ear.

"He is here, my twin." She whispered. "Stay quiet and follow me along." She whispered again and you frowned and looked at her disturbed. "Yes, it's very nice!" She spoke aloud. "His name's Frederic." She said out loud again and gestured you to answer something.

"That's a nice name..." You frowned. That was so lame. "Where did you meet?" You asked.

"Well, let me think how to tell you..." She said loudly, then leaned again. "I've got something to give you. You have to be very careful because he's very keen." She whispered and you frowned and looked fixedly at her. "It was in high school." She said loudly. "Your friend Brian has helped me and I promised him that I will get him some information." She whispered and your heart skipped a beat. "I had a crush on him since my Sophomore year. Can you believe it?" She asked with a boisterous laughter.

"Oh, just as me. I had a crush on Darren since my Sophomore year." You also laughed boisterously. "Tell me more about him."

"Oh, what can I say?" She laughed. "I'm sorry I couldn't do it before, my twin is all the time chasing me and keeping an eye on me. He suspects I am helping Brian." She whispered and you felt bad. She didn't know he was dead, apparently. "He's none like Darren, but he is very handsome and as funny as Darren is. I'm very happy, to be honest." She said loudly. "Brian told me one of his friends hired a private investigator, so these papers and information may be very useful to imprison him." She whispered. "But he can be very stubborn sometimes." She let out a lively giggle.

"Oh, like me. Maybe we could get along." You commented.

"It'd be very nice if you and Darren meet him." She replied. "Here you have... Hide them very well, please. These are the original documentation." She whispered while pulling out a folder. You took it and stuffed it in your purse, very quickly. "He knows about you two already." She said loudly. "I beg you, Freckles. Be careful. This is very risky. Wade must not suspect of this or he will hurt both of us or our loved ones." She whispered, looking fixedly into your eyes, her eyes reflecting nervousness. You nodded.

"Really? Well, I wasn't expecting that!" You exclaimed. "Thank you, Kelly." You whispered and she nodded.

"Well, it was a good story to tell." She answered plainly. "You got it. I really hope you can imprison him because it's a damn hell living like this and I want to live normally for once and for all. If you need something else, call me this number after making sure you're not being watched." She whispered, giving you a piece of paper that you stuffed in your purse. "And how are you and Darren?" She asked loudly.

"Well... We are just... Not going through a good moment, but fine." You responded.

"Oh, that's sad to hear. I hope things get better." She replied, squeezing your shoulder. "Freckles, listen to me..." She whispered, looking fixedly into your eyes, about to explode of nervousness. You could hear her heart beating fast. "Nothing is what it seems." She murmured and you frowned in confusion, your heart also beating fast because she was making you nervous. "You must know that Wade is a deranged person and he's planning to attack again. And it'll be worse than before."

"Nothing can be worse than before." You whispered distressed. "Thank you, Kelly. I hope the same." You said out loud.

"Yes, Freckles. It will be worse. Listen... nothing is what it seems." She whispered again and you were feeling edgy. What the hell did she mean? "If there's anything I can do for you, do not doubt to ask." She said loudly. "One of Wade's allies is Brian's aunt. And they knew about what happened to Brian because the hospital contacted her. They got him." She whispered and you gasped in horror and your body trembled. "I'm sorry you couldn't get Brian before them. But I'll help you find a way to get him back. I owe it to him." She whispered.

"That's so sweet of you, Kelly. Thank you." You responded out loud, trying your best not to make your voice sound shaky. "How do you know about this?" You whispered in disturbance.

"My boyfriend and I also want to see my twin in jail. So we're also playing his game. Your team is not the only team playing, Freckles. This is more complicated than you think. There are too many teams playing against Wade and his own W team." She whispered and you were feeling dizzy and tormented. "You're welcome, Freckles. Really, we should meet sometime." She said loudly. "We should join our teams. But we need to be very cautious, we should talk about this when we are sure he's not around." She whispered and you gulped and nodded. "Maybe next Friday, what do you think?" She asked loudly.

"It could be a good idea. I have to talk to Darren, though." You replied and then leaned to whisper. "I'll call you to this number. Are you sure he has Brian's body?"

"Freckles..." She whispered, but she was interrupted when you heard the sound of someone trying to open the door.

"Security, open the door!" A man's voice yelled.

"Wade..." Kelly murmured with wobbly voice, looking at the door very terrified.

"What are we gonna do?" You asked, also with wobbly voice, feeling very frightened.

"What are you doing, trying to enter a lady restroom?" Suddenly a woman's voice asked harshly. It was Mandy's voice. Thankfully Mandy didn't know how Jim looked like now. "Get the hell outta here, perverted!" She yelled.

"Fuck you." Jim insulted, simulating another tone of voice.

"Fucking asshole!" Mandy yelled but you heard steps walking away and then the sound of someone trying to open the door. "Sister? Are you okay? Why did you lock the door?" She asked and you and Kelly sighed in relief.

"We should talk later, Freckles." She whispered and then walked to the door.

When she opened it, Mandy looked at her frowning and Kelly just grinned faintly and left; then Mandy shifted her gaze to you and stepped closer.

"Are you okay?" She asked and you nodded. "It's been ages since you came here. What were you doing? Having sex with that random girl?" She asked and you rolled your eyes, pretending to act as though nothing happened.

"I know that girl, and I got distracted talking to her." You shrugged.

"Right. And why was the door closed?" She asked suspiciously.

"I was helping her with something very private and nobody could interrupt us, so I just closed the door." You responded, looking in the mirror to comb your hair and pretend to be indifferent. "What? She was telling me about a problem she has with her boyfriend." You said after Mandy stared at you very suspiciously.

"Okay, whatever you say. Now, hurry up… Darren said he was gonna sing on stage a song that you requested." Mandy said and you nodded.

When you left the restroom, Darren was already on stage, sitting at a piano. You passed by the table where Kelly was sitting with her boyfriend and you nodded and both of them returned the gesture. Then you looked around before joining Chuck, Lucy, Jen and Joey and Mandy at your table. When you sat, you looked at Darren who already started talking.

"Uh, this is a song for a very good friend who, uh, has recently left us. So, yeah, this is for him, from all of his friends here who miss him dearly." He said and you grinned softly as he started singing.

Sometimes there's a time you must say goodbye

Though it hurts you must learn to try

I know I've got to let you go

But I know anywhere you go

You'll never be far

'Cause like the light of a bright star

You'll keep shining in my life

You're gonna be right

You tried to focus on Darren and on this moment that was very important for all of you, but you started looking around. You knew Jim was here, watching all of you. He could be planning to attack or something. But you couldn't see him.

Here in my heart

That's where you'll be

You'll be with me

Here in my heart

No distance can keep us apart

Long as you're here in my heart

Won't be any tears falling from these eyes

'Cause when love's true love never dies

It stays alive forever

Time can't take away what we have

I will remember our time together

You might think our time is through

But I still have you

Your phone buzzed and you read the text message you received from a withheld number.

"Little whore... I thought you were a smart person, but it's not wise what you're doing. The death of the wanker of your friend didn't teach you anything?"

Here in my heart

That's where you'll be

You'll be with me

Here in my heart

No distance can keep us apart

Long as you're here in my heart

"The wanker is burning in hell and he died for a whore who is risking the same thing for what he died for. You really know how to fuck up even with the miserable dead people."

I know you'll be back again

And 'till then

My love is waiting

"This is a warning. I'm watching you at all hours, all places. I know everything you do and with who you talk to. So you better stay away from the fucking bitch of my twin or more than one would end up hurt."

Here in my heart

That's where you'll be

You'll be with me

Here in my heart

No distance can keep us apart

Long as you're here in my heart

Darren finished singing and you had teary eyes, not because of the song as it should have been, but because of your fear and frustration. You couldn't enjoy the song and you couldn't dedicate this moment to your friends and Brian, because all you could do was to look around to find the asshole of Jim.

"By the way... I thought you'd like to know that I got the wanker's body. And just because I'm nice, I'm gonna give it to you, so you can bury him as you wanted."

Darren was cheered and he thanked and slowly walked towards the table, as you were frowning, suspecting why Jim would give you Brian's body so easily. This wasn't good, you knew it.

"But as a way to punish you for talking to the bitch of my twin, I'll give you his body by parts. I'll start giving you his mouth, so you'll learn to shut your fucking mouth up."

You read and you gasped, feeling a cold chill running throughout your body. You tried to dissimulate it because you didn't want to ruin this moment that should be a nice one. But you couldn't stop feeling disturbed; this was very nasty, morbid and hideous.

"The more you talk to her and the more you investigate about me, the more parts of the wanker's body I'll give you. So, if you want to get his body in complete shape, you better stop fucking up with me, whore."

Darren arrived and the rest told him some words. They were talking, talking about making a toast or something like that. You tried to pay attention to the conversation, but your mind wouldn't stop thinking about those text messages and how perverse Jim was. It was inhuman and heartless to even think about playing with a dead body. You looked all around to try to find Jim. You wouldn't allow him to mess with you and Brian's body this way. And you saw him. He was near the entrance, with a wicked smirk, looking fixedly at you. And the asshole had the nerve to wave his hand at you. You stood up, clouded by your anger, and attempted to walk towards him, but suddenly a firm arm wrapped around you and squeezed your shoulder. Darren was looking at you with a kind smile, handing you a glass of champagne.

"Here, baby." He said softly. You nodded and took it. Then you looked over his shoulder. But Jim was no longer there. "For Brian, our beloved friend who will always be here in our hearts." Darren stated and you finally looked at all of your friends.

When you saw their faces, you felt bad for having paid attention to an asshole like Jim, missing this very special moment. You wouldn't let Jim win, but you wouldn't miss the time you had with your friends. Because if Brian's death taught you something, it wasn't that you shouldn't disobey whatever shit Jim ordered; but it was that your time in this world is limited and you don't know what tomorrow will bring, so you should enjoy your loved ones and your own life as much as possible.

"For Brian and all of us." You added with a smile.

All of you clinked the glasses.

---

Three weeks after the dinner in that restaurant.

I haven't talked to Freckles since that night, just few text messages and few phone calls. I could understand she was busy with college, Greg's film, Jim's investigation, Brian's belongings and funeral for when we could get his body. I already knew all that happened that night with Kelly and Jim, Freckles told us all of that and she showed us what Kelly gave her; it was mostly documents of Jim's past, especially the papers of the mental hospital, that we already sent to the private investigator. She didn't receive Brian's mouth as Jim said; she didn't receive any other threat, or at least that was what she told me; we didn't have the chance to talk to Kelly again. Mandy and Jen were still in Ann Arbor. We all were busy but always trying to find time to keep in touch.

But three weeks. Three damn weeks I haven't seen Freckles. I was upset: with Freckles who wouldn't make time to see me; with Jim who dared to threat with such a horrible thing; with Mandy and Joey who wouldn't stop bragging in my face that they were so in love and I was a miserable lonely guy who didn't get to see the person I loved; with Jen who wouldn't stop talking about the investigation and the lawyer as a way to feel connected to Brian; with my other friends who wouldn't stop mocking me about Freckles and who couldn't understand that I was a jerk who didn't know anything about her; with the stupid professor of Shakespeare/Restoration course who said that my essay of Shakespeare was too good to have been written by me – which was true, but whatever, he said that in front of the class, making me look like a major idiot – I was upset, furious, mad. And I was knocking at Freckles' door.

"Hey, Darren! What a surprise!" She opened the door with a cheerful smile.

I caught a glimpse of inside of her dorm room. There was music in the background, I saw two coffee mugs on the table and I saw Greg there. Right. She had time for being in her dorm room alone with this Greg dude, just chilling out, listening to music and having a coffee; but she didn't have any single minute of her life for me. The intensity of annoyance increased.

"Hey, man." Greg greeted when he looked up and saw me.

"Hey... Could you leave?" I asked bluntly and he raised his brows as Freckles shot me an incredulous look.

"Excuse me?" Freckles asked.

"I'm speaking with Greg right now." I responded harshly without even looking at her. "Could you leave, Greg? Nothing personal... I just wanna talk to her in private." I said, this time politely, and he muttered without sound, then shrugged and nodded, standing up.

"Sure." He finally said, hanging his backpack over his shoulder.

"Greg..." Freckles sighed.

"No, it's okay." Greg hurried to say. "We can talk about the last scene tomorrow at the set. There aren't so many changes, so it'll be alright." He said and Freckles nodded.

"Sorry." Freckles whispered once he was next to her.

"It's okay, really." He grinned and planted a quick kiss on the cheek. "See you tomorrow at 4 pm, beautiful." He said and Freckles grinned and nodded; then he looked at me and patted my shoulder. "Nice to see you, man."

"Yeah, same." I answered politely. "See you around."

He nodded and then left as I stepped inside and closed the door. Freckles looked at me upset as I made my way to the table to sit. She followed me with her gaze, sighed, and sat in front of me.

"Why do you always treat him so bad?" She asked and I raised my eyebrows.

"As I'm concerned, I didn't treat him bad." I shrugged.

"You kicked him out... In my own dorm room." She pointed out.

"I didn't kick him out. I politely asked if he could leave because I wanted to talk to you." I answered back and she rolled her eyes.

"Alright, whatever." She let out a long sigh. "What do you want to talk to me about?"

"Are you playing with me, Freckles?" I asked bluntly.

"What?" She frowned.

"Yeah, some days you tell me you love me, other days you tell me you don't have time to see me, and some others you don't even give me signs of life. You don't have any single minute of your life to spend with me but you do have plenty of time to spend with this Greg dude or that other Noah dude or whatever dude... I'm a jerk who is always there, waiting for a fucking text message asking me if we could meet that I'll never receive. And the worst part is that you know I'm that jerk who is gonna be always there, so you make more time for others because, after all, I will fucking adapt to what you and only you want whenever you fucking want." I blurted all at once. She was just raising her eyebrows, her lips parted.

"Is this some kind of jealousy scene?" She narrowed her eyes and that drove me nuts.

"Do not fucking dare to think this is a damn jealousy scene only because you don't wanna admit that you are playing with me!" I said very loudly and roughly. "This is not about a stupid jealousy. This is about you ignoring me and drawing your attention to everybody but me. This is about me as a goddamn jerk who waits and waits and waits and never gets a damn shit. And I am tired of waiting for you." I added rudely. "And I swear I could wait for you for a thousand years, but not when you are there, taking me for granted, forgetting about me and just calling me when you need help or something." I scowled and looked away. "I don't even know anymore if you love me for real or if you love me sometimes for convenience only." I added, clenching my jaw. "Part of me would give anything for you to just disappear, just be fucking gone. There's a tiny part. The rest of me would take even this, even this shit feeling right now, over any other feeling about any other girl. Because compared to this, I haven't felt a single fucking thing in my life. I love you. It doesn't fucking matter, nothing does. Because you don't want me, do you?" I asked and finally looked at her in the eyes. She was flabbergasted.

"What is this all about?" She asked confused and I growled in annoyance. "I'm not ignoring you, I'll never do. I'm just quite busy right now; and if I see Greg or Noah or whatever dude as you said, it's because they're related to the film in which I act or to college stuff, not because I spend time with them to chill out or have fun." She said and I looked away, clenched my teeth and shook my head in disbelief. "I will never love you for convenience only as you said, I love you for real." She spoke with absolute clarity and I let out a bitter snicker. "And it matters to me. I want you. And I'm so sorry you're tired of waiting for me, but you knew since the beginning that I..."

"Yes..." I interrupted her harshly. "That you want to take things slow and whatever shit. But I'll tell you what, Freckles..." I looked at her provocatively into the eyes. "We can take things slow, but we're not even seeing each other, because of you... What things do you take slow if there isn't even a thing? We ain't even a thing... We are nothing. No meetings, no conversations, no experiences, no contact. Nothing at all." I said upset and she frowned and looked down.

"I'm sorry you think like that, because it's not like that. I don't see it like that." She replied.

"You wanna know what I really think?" I asked coldly. "I think this whole shit you said that you wanted to take things slow is just a poor excuse not to tell me the truth that is you really don't wanna be with me, you really don't wanna be my girlfriend. So you just made up that excuse because it was the easier shit to do, because you know how fucking insistent I am and you knew I wouldn't stop."

"It is not an excuse." She narrowed her eyes.

"Yes it is. You know what I think?" I asked rudely and she just looked at me steadily. "I think you aren't in love with me." I said and she frowned.

"It's not like that..." She started saying, but I interrupted her.

"I think you're scared to fall in love, so you can't fall in love anymore." I snapped and she looked at me puzzled, parting her lips. She stayed silent for a while, looking down until she sighed.

"No..." She whispered. She seemed to be distressed. "It's not that I can't fall in love. It's really that I can't help falling in love with too many things all at once. So, you must understand why I can't distinguish between what's platonic and what isn't, because it's all too much and not enough at the same time."

"What the fuck are you saying? You love or you love not. What is that shit of platonic? Spare me the damn poetry because we're not in a book, we are in real life now." I answered angry as she remained with her gaze down. "You're just finding excuses not afford to love, for fear of suffering, for fear that one day you will be abandoned. And yet, how much you love life, despite knowing that one day it will abandon you. Fucking ironic, isn't it?" I laughed bitterly and she just let out a sigh, her face reflecting affliction.

"Okay, you wanna know the truth?" She asked, looking up, sounding exasperated. "Perhaps I'm scared of falling in love, but not because I fear of love, but because I fear of hurting the other person. All my life I let my heart rule my mind and that led me to have fleeting emotions for certain someone that with time faded away and turned into a wrong emotion. Because it was a wrong emotion, I had to leave, making the other person suffer, and suffering myself, too; people who I really appreciated. I suffered and I learned lots of things. I cried until dehydration, so I'm telling you I don't want you to be another wrong emotion. I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna run away from you because right now I'm feeling like I want you with every piece of me. I'm scared that this feeling can be a fleeting emotion. And I don't want you to be a wrong emotion because you're very important to me." She said and I just remained looking down. "That is the damn truth."

"You will never know if your emotions are a wrong emotion or not if you don't even see me anymore. And you know what?" I asked with gruff voice, looking fervently into her eyes, and not in the good sense of the word. "You complain, and complain, and complain. You're a ball of pure complaints." I snorted and she looked at me kind of hurt. "You're constantly complaining about things that happen to you, but you don't realize that you're the only one who is causing the things you complain about. So, a little advice... Stop leaving and you'll arrive. Stop searching and you'll see. Stop running away and you'll be found. Then stop complaining and change something, instead."

"Maybe..." Her voice sounded brittle as she looked down. "Maybe. But when you're trying to overcome something that chains you, sometimes you start by running away in order to have your own time to complain about things that happen to you, because, sometimes, by complaining you realize all the things that are wrong and all the words with no memories, those things that you have to change to be able to stop leaving, to stop searching, to stop running away as you said. And right now, I'm in that process of overcoming something, Darren." She looked up with a pair of sad eyes and a faint, crooked smile.

"What means that look? Those sad eyes? That dismal smile?" I frowned and let out a cheerless titter. "You talk of overcoming, time and chains, of words with no memories; however, you smell as abandonment, misery. This lack of soul that comes when we feel alone." I blurted with a disgusting grimace. She looked at me steadily as her eyes, slowly, began to fill with tears.

"Fine..." She uttered with strangled voice. She cleared her throat. "As you see it, I'm lacking a soul. I have to recover my soul and you're tired of waiting for me. That leads to only one thing... Perhaps we're not ready to be together, even if I'd have loved to give it a try. But you cannot wait, I cannot overcome my own shit, I smell like abandonment and misery, and you cannot even believe that I love you for real. So, yeah... It hurts me, but yeah..." She said while looking away, her voice choked and cracking from time to time.

"Fine." I grouched. "Cool." I nodded and bit my lips. "At least now I know we won't be fucking together, so I can stop being the damn jerk and I can go and fuck other chicks instead of wasting my time with false hopes of being with you." I snarled furiously and viciously as she closed her eyes and lowered her head. "You go and fuck Greg or Noah or whatever dude." I stood up and walked to the door. "I'm sick of this shit."

That was the last thing I said before banging the door behind me, ignoring her tears. I arrived at my apartment and I saw Joey and Mandy sitting at the table, apparently Joey was doing his History of Dress assignment and Mandy was helping. They saw me entering, but I didn't greet them and I walked straight to my bedroom. I closed the door and heard their whispers. I plopped down on the bed and I grabbed my guitar to play some random songs and that way calm down, until someone opened the door. I didn't even have to look up to see who it was because the only person who would enter a room without knocking the door was Mandy.

"So, what's up?" She asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the door frame.

"Cool, playing some songs. Wanna join for a jam session?" I asked while looking at my guitar.

"So then you can make fun of my awfully off-key singing? Of course not. I don't wanna lose the dignity that remains in me." She answered right away and I curved up one of the corners of my mouth.

"Then, what? You wanna hear my lovely voice singing or?" I asked, currently playing Duck Tales on guitar.

Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg

Race cars, lasers, airplanes - it's a duck blur

You might solve a mystery or rewrite history

I started singing, looking at Mandy amused, who was looking at me frowning and astonished, her lips parted.

Duck Tales, Oo-oO

Every day they're out there making

Duck Tales, Oo-oO

Tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, Oo-oO!

"Alright, I'm afraid I'll have to interrupt your adorably goofy singing... But, seriously?" She asked and I stopped playing the guitar to giggle. "Are you really singing Duck Tales? Like... the song of this animated TV show? The one with the grumpy and tightwad super rich Scrooge McDuck and his three goddamn impish and annoyingly hyperactive grandnephews?" She asked and I frowned.

"I wouldn't describe them so like that... But, yeah. Isn't it an awesome show?" I asked and she just raised an eyebrow and widened her eyes.

"How old are you, Criss?" She asked and I laughed. "Anyway, yeah... It was kind of good. I mean... Scrooge and his nemesis Flintheart Glomgold were flawless! But, hey, don't tell anyone I liked that show. Clear?" She looked at me severely and I smirked amused.

"Clear. Duck Tales, Oo-oO." I sang.

"No, stop it. Stop it, Criss." She demanded firmly. "Holy shit, you can be so annoying sometimes." She added and I chuckled. "You're making me go off course! I didn't come here to listen to your voice singing some shitty song... You're like this dude who is all the fucking time singing or whistling songs, so I do appreciate the moments when you're silent." She said and I shook my head while grinning, playing my guitar again but not singing.

"What do you want, then? I told you already... I know it's so hard to resist my hotness, but Joey is my friend." I joked, giving her a wink and she frowned and shook her head.

"Disturbing! Oh, fuck, so disturbing!" She exclaimed exaggeratedly.

"There was a time when you wanted this body, though..." I commented while rubbing my chest, recalling the time in high school. "When you basically ripped my clothes off and your sister entered my bedroom." I added and she was frowning.

"That was long ago... way long ago. When you were cute and your hair wasn't like this curly bird's nest, and you weren't so annoying, you dressed as a normal person and not with those colorful socks and those shirts of cartoons... That was fucking long ago." She clarified sternly and I laughed out loud. "And there you are! Again diverting the topic of conversation! It's impossible to talk to you! I swear you're worse than a girl, dude." She said and I sniggered.

"Okay, thank you so much for being so sweet with me and saying that my hair is a bird's nest. I feel very flattered." I said with an amused smile and she shrugged. "What do you want to talk about, Mandy?"

"Well..." She finally stepped inside the bedroom and walked to my bed. "I could notice you weren't in a great mood and that's weird because you're usually ridiculously goofy and awkward and this ball of excitement... well, I wanna say funny and merry, actually." She sighed and sat on the edge of my bed. "So yeah... you're like my friend..."

"Am I like your friend? Like but not really your friend?" I asked and she rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean. Stop it, idiot. You know I'm not good at these stupid things of saying cute things." She said and I let out a chuckle. "You're my friend. Better now?" She asked and I nodded satisfied. "So yeah, I'm here... You know what I mean. If you need to talk and all that shit. Just... you can tell me if something is getting on your nerves... or if someone is maddening you, and I could help to kick their ass... you know." She babbled uncomfortable and I grinned and leaned to peck her cheek before she could push me away. She frowned, though.

"You can be sweet sometimes, your own way, of course. You see, you're not so like the bubble of bitchiness and frigidness you think you are." I commented and she looked at me, puckering her lips; and then she looked away when her eyes shimmered with tears.

"I'm trying." She shrugged and cleared her throat after her voice cracked.

"It's working." I commented and squeezed her shoulder as she nodded. "In case you wanna know... I was just having a bad day, but you kinda changed it." I said and she looked at me and grinned.

"I'm glad." She replied, her voice sounding oddly gentle. "And... A surprise for you has been delivered this morning and it may cheer you up. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you before, but you were attending your courses." She exclaimed joyfully, pulling out a small box.

"A surprise for me?" I frowned intrigued, receiving the small box.

"Yes, I should leave you alone so that you can see what it is." She winked and when I nodded she left my bedroom.

I opened the little box and I saw a note and two tickets for the movies in three days. The note said:

"Surprise, Goober Bossynova!

I wish I could have given this in person, but these weeks have been crazy. Mandy stopped by to visit me and I took advantage to give her this.

I'm sorry for being kind of distant lately, but I hope a night out to the movies and a good dinner can help to catch up! Just the two of us, okay?

I miss you and love you,

Freckles aka Cheeky Creepy Bossynova.

P.S.: Call it date if you want! ;)"

When I finished reading it, I felt like real shit. Fuck me and my damn big mouth. If only I could have seen this before going to Freckles' dorm room... But why didn't she tell me about this? I wasn't trying to justify the rude way I treated her, but just mentioning about this would have made me shut the fuck up. And now that I was thinking about this... I was guilty, too. She was the one who didn't have time, but I could have prepared a surprise just as she did; she would have made time for a planned surprise. I told her not to complain, but I was also complaining without doing anything. And now she wanted to have nothing to do with me. How could she after the last thing I said? I walked to the living room where Mandy and Joey were. If there was someone who could help me revert this, that was Mandy, the one who was an expert in fucking things up way too much and then apologize. She looked at me with a big smile and I looked at her with that famous look like 'Oops, I screwed it', running a hand through my curls. She frowned slightly.

"So, uh, I just came from her dorm room..." I started saying. "And well, uh... I didn't know about this, so I sorta, kinda... told her that, well, I was gonna fuck other chicks... and she, uh, should go fuck Greg and Noah... Yeah..." I babbled like an idiot and Mandy and Joey dropped their jaws and widened their eyes. "Yeah."

"You're a fucker, dude." Mandy commented. "And fucker goes because of what you said about fucking and because you're just a dick."

"Yeah, but... uh, I'm like terribly sorry, you know?" I responded.

"You fucked it up and now you wanna apologize, right?" Mandy asked and I pursed my lips and nodded. "And you don't know how." I nodded again. "And you are looking for help from another fucker like me." She stated and I gulped and nodded. "You should be thankful that I'm here." Mandy sighed. "And listen to me, fucker. I don't approve what you told to my little sis and I should kick your ass so hard for being such a friggin dick! But I'm gonna help you because I know you're sorry for real and because I know you truly love her. But if you dare to treat her bad again, you will know me real mad and that's not a good thing. You're warned, Criss!" She snapped and I looked at her puzzled and nodded as Joey tittered and pecked Mandy's lips.

"Okay, I get it. I won't treat her bad again, though." I replied and she frowned.

"You're a fucker, of course you'll fuck it up from time to time. It's our nature. But just as long as you don't hurt her, everything will be cool between us." She said and I let out a short chuckle.

"Okay, it's a deal. Now, would you help me out?" I requested a bit impatient. "What do I tell her to get her forgiveness?"

"Well, you can tell her the shit you want, she obviously won't listen to you. Because just as I am a bitch, Joey is a can't-stay-a-minute-without-making-a-weird-face, and you're a fucker, she's a stubborn ass." Mandy said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as I scowled and exchanged a look with Joey who shrugged. "She clearly won't want to see you."

"That's really helpful, Mandy." I said sarcastically.

"Yes, I know." She answered with a grin and I was like... What? "I don't know, Darren. Be creative and do the shit you're good for. My sister loves your music and she told me you wrote few songs for her. Maybe you could write one sappy song or whatever. I'm sure that with that you'll get her in your pants." She shrugged and I frowned but smiled.

"Yeah, Mandy... I don't want to get your sister in my pants..." I tried to clarify.

"Don't you?" She raised an eyebrow and looked at me fixedly as Joey looked down and let out a chuckle.

"Well, yeah... Yes, I want, but... No. Not the way you're thinking... It's more than that..." I explained, but she interrupted me.

"I don't know what you thought I was thinking. I actually meant that you want to get her in the pockets of your pants not to let her go." She stated and I shot her a 'don't shit with me' look.

"Yeah, sure you meant that..." I stated and she shrugged. "But, anyway, you're a genius, Mandy."

"I already knew that." She commented and I laughed and shook my head. "And... Give her time, she tends to be prideful when she is hurt, too. Just, you know, think about a sappy, cheesy and super romantic surprise; she loves that shit and you'll get everything in the bag."

"Yes. Yes, I know what I can do." I said thoughtful. "Well... I have business to do. So, if you excuse me. Thanks, Mandy."

"It's no sweat." She responded and snuggled up to Joey again.

I locked in my bedroom, but this time to put my hands to work and get the song for Freckles done. I already had few ideas and I was gonna do my best for her.

---

"Cut!" Greg said out loud.

"Okay. Do you wanna shoot again the previous scene where I messed up?" You asked.

"No, don't worry about it. I'll just edit it and go with a montage sequence with a voice-over and perhaps some intertitles." He said while touching some buttons of his camera. "It's been a very productive day, so I'll let you rest for the rest of the day." He smiled and you nodded. "Tomorrow we can shoot the other scene. Remember it's gonna be a long take and I'll be shooting few close-ups. But it'll be the last shot and then you'll be free from this torture." He giggled and finally turned off the camera as you walked to your exclusive chair to drink some water.

"It's not a torture, Greg. I really enjoy doing this and the payment is also very good." You joked and he laughed, walking to his chair, next to yours.

"I still think the payment is not enough..."

"Oh, no. We won't start this argument again. It is good, Greg." You interrupted him and he sighed and shook his head with a soft grin.

"You're doing an extraordinary job, beautiful. I don't know if it's because you're an excellent actress or because I had too many bad experiences in the past with other actors." He said while eating a cookie and offering you one, which you politely rejected.

"I think it's because you had too many bad experiences in the past with other actors." You replied and he frowned.

"Weird. I think it's because you're an excellent actress." He shrugged and sipped his coffee.

"You're making me blush!" You exclaimed jokingly while nudging him playfully. And you made him drop his mug of coffee on his shirt. "Oh, fuck! I'm so sorry, Greg!" You apologized a bit altered.

"No, no, it's okay." He said while putting the mug aside and grabbing some tissues to clean his shirt. "I've got an extra shirt on my backpack. And I hated this shirt, so don't worry."

"Oh damn, I'm so clumsy! I'm sorry, Greg. I'll buy you a new shirt." You said feeling really embarrassed.

"No, don't do that. Seriously, it's okay." He said again, throwing the tissue on the trash can.

"But I feel so terribly bad..." You frowned and looked down.

"Well, if you feel so terribly bad as you said; instead of buying me a new shirt, you can make me another coffee. All you have to do is heat it." He shrugged and you looked at him and smiled.

"But..."

"It's either that or nothing. You choose." He interrupted you and you grinned.

"Okay, I'll get you another coffee."

You stood up and walked to the table where the coffee maker was. While you were heating it, you started thinking about the conversation you had with Darren yesterday afternoon. It really made you feel bad, but he was right. You were too busy to have free time to spend with him as he deserved, and he couldn't wait for you forever. However, his words hurt you. It hurt you when he told you that you were afraid of falling in love and when he said you smelled like abandonment and misery. The most hurtful part was when he said he was now free to get laid with other girls instead of wasting his time with you. Not only it made you feel sad, but it also hurt your pride because, being that you always tended to overthink things, you thought that he wanted to just get laid with you. That thought dissipated quickly, though, because you knew he was in love with you for real; but it still hurt. It was in these moments when you missed Brian so much, because he was always the one who used to give you advices and he was the one who truly knew how to help you clear your mind. Now you couldn't talk about this to anyone; because yes, you had friends, very good friends; but all of them were very good friends of Darren and you knew they would tell him something. You glanced at Greg who was now with his glasses on, reading the script and taking notes about something. He reminded you of Brian sometimes. You wondered if it'd be imprudent or silly to talk to him about this, if he would think that you didn't know your limits because you just had a professional relationship, and if he could give you the kind of advices that Brian used to give you. You needed a friend that could be like Brian, not to replace him, but who could mean what Brian meant to you. And you needed a male friend, because you needed a male opinion about this. You were going to try with Greg. When the coffee was already heated, you poured it on a mug and brought it to him. He looked up at you through his glasses and gave you a friendly smile.

"Thank you very much, beautiful." He said and sipped his coffee.

"You got it." You grinned softly and sat on the chair again.

"You're free to go and have fun with your friends, beautiful." He announced, looking at the script again; but you stayed there, biting your lips and hesitating whether you should talk to him or not.

"Uh..." You mumbled, playing with your fingers. "I was wondering if... Uh..." You babbled awkwardly and he glanced at you. "I know we have like this strictly professional relationship and all... But... Err..." You damned in your mind as you noticed he frowned slightly, now shifting his gaze to look at you intently. "Um, I was wondering if I could... you know, uh, talk to you about something, like, personal?" You asked in a whisper avoiding his blue eyes. He put the script aside, took off his glasses, and turned to fully look at you.

"I was wondering if that day when you'd ask me to spend unprofessional time together would ever come." He responded, a grin on his face.

"It was kind of... inappropriate?" You asked ashamed and you continued talking even before he could answer. "Of course it was. I'm sorry... I shouldn't have asked such a thing. It was so improper. Gosh, I am so sorry." You babbled as you started to blush.

"Hey..." He called up and when you glanced at him, you saw he was puckering his brows. "I don't think it's improper and it actually made me feel glad when you asked me so. It's not like we are two professionals working for a company or anything like; we're just two college students working on a project. Besides, I think you're a nice girl and I'd like to know you more, apart from the professional part." He said and you looked shyly at him.

"Really?" You asked and he grinned.

"Yes, really. And... I don't know if you remember..." He said, pulling out his phone and showing it to you. "We even met at a college party. Here's the proof." He said, showing you the picture he took of you when you were at that frat party. You couldn't believe he still had that picture.

"Yeah, when I was drunk and asked you to have sex. So awkward." You chuckled while shaking your head as he burst out laughing.

"Right, I remember." He replied, stuffing his phone into his pocket. "So, how about we talk just as two normal college guys?" He suggested and you grinned.

"Okay."

"Well, as two normal college guys... I'll leave this coffee and, instead..."

He stood up to walk to the mini fridge that was next to the table with the coffee maker and he pulled out two beer bottles. He took two cushions of the scenery and placed them on the floor. He sat on one of them and patted the other to ask you to join him, and you did. He gave you one bottle.

"Here's to two normal college guys." He said and you chuckled before clinking your bottle with his. Both of you took a sip and then he looked intently with his blue eyes. "So, tell me your story." He smiled and you looked down and played with your beer bottle.

"Well, there's this guy..." You started.

"Darren?" He asked.

"Yes, Darren. We have a long story." You answered.

"I've got the rest of the day free and I'm a good listener." He smiled friendly. "You can start from the very beginning."

"Alright. But promise me that if you get tired of listening, you'll stop me." You said a bit shy. He smiled sweetly.

"Okay, I promise." He answered gently.

And so you started telling your story since the very beginning, when you were in high school. He was indeed a good listener; he didn't interrupt you and he let you tell him everything without making you feel uncomfortable. You had to explain how you met Darren and all about W during high school, about Jen and Brian, about your sister; then you explained the night of the hotel room and how you became friends with Brian when he helped you; then you explained when you met Darren in college and all you went through. You could tell he was surprised to know you knew him since high school and how your relationship with him was, he was disturbed to know about Jim, and he was sad to know about Brian. He didn't question anything, though. You finished your beers and he looked for two others.

"And that's what happened yesterday when you left." You sighed and looked down afflicted. You took a long sip of beer. "He told me I was scared to love." You whispered and he stayed silent for a while, looking deeply into your eyes.

"Well, haven't you considered that maybe he was right?" He asked and you raised your eyebrows and looked at him puzzled. You didn't think he was gonna talk and less to ask you something like that. You frowned and lowered your gaze.

"Yeah, I know he's right." You confessed. He nodded and you pursed your lips as you started feeling distressed. "I just can't because... I can't let someone love me while I'm like this, with so many unsettled things."

"Beautiful..." He said softly and quickly placed a thumb on your chin to lift your head. "You gotta let someone love you just the way you are; as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room." He said with a gentle grin and your frowned, feeling super weird. This was something Brian would say.

"Yeah, it's just that... Ugh!" You growled in frustration, shifting your gaze away.

"Do you love him?" He asked, his voice echoing in the room.

"I don't know. Well... Yes. I do. Of course I do. I just... I don't know. I can't." You babbled while running a hand over your face.

"Do you still think about him and how life used to be when you were together?" He asked and you remained silent for a while. That was a thought-provoking question.

"Yes, too often, lately." You answered and then looked down. He didn't say anything at all, and you started thinking about Darren and a smile spread across your face. "I wonder if he stays up until 2 a.m. thinking about me. I wonder if when he hears a certain song, he thinks about me. I wonder if he thinks about things to say to me every morning. I wonder if when he feels sad, he thinks about my smile. I wonder if when he sees me, he thinks 'wow, she's beautiful'. I wonder if he thinks about me before he goes to sleep. I wonder if song lyrics remind him of me. I wonder if he looks at me when I'm not looking at him." You whispered, saying those things more to yourself than to him.

"I guess there you have your answer." He said and you looked at him. He was smiling faintly. "If you still find yourself thinking about him and how life used to be when you were together; when you wonder what he's doing and you wonder if you ever cross his mind; when you start to cry and tell yourself what are you crying for... In your mind you just want to forget and move on but your heart is more powerful and you still have love for him." He said and you looked down. "You can close your ears to something you don't want to hear, you can close your eyes to something you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to something you don't want to feel, beautiful."

"Yes, maybe you're right. I mean, yeah, you are right. I can't close my heart to something I don't want to feel. And yes, I love him. But... I'm scared. I don't know what will happen if he happens to be a wrong emotion. I prefer going alone, give up on my dream and suffer because I don't have him rather than letting him in and hurt him because he happened to be a wrong emotion." You murmured with brittle voice, always keeping your gaze down. "And on the other hand, how can I be with him right now? How if all that happened lately, everything that changed, and the person I lost made me feel like I don't know anymore who I am? Or who I can be? I have this heartache, you know? And I'm also scared; I have fear of the future. I can't make him feel this pain, too. It'll hurt him and I don't want that." Your voice cracked and you made a big effort to hold back your tears. You didn't want Greg to see you crying; you didn't want him to think that you were weak or anything like.

"Oh, beautiful!" He exclaimed while letting out a sigh. He smoothly rubbed your back and you bit your tongue in order not to let escape the tears. "There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. And of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back... But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream." He started saying while putting an arm over your shoulder. "And it's only when you're tested with these kinds of things that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief... And beyond the heartache and the fear of what lies ahead." He squeezed your shoulder.

"Greg... I just can't. I'll be risking too much. I'll be risking our friendship, everything we have. Because I know I'm gonna screw it up. Because I'm not ready, because I'm not doing fine now, because I'm like this mess. And he... he told me he was gonna wait for me until I can solve this mess." You said and he frowned.

"You know? Probably you won't solve that mess. There are certain kinds of messes that no one is able to solve in an entire life. And we gotta accept them, and we gotta live with them, and we gotta love them; because they make us be what we are. Then the mess will no longer be something negative, it will just be something real, it will be something that make us be unique. And that what makes us unique, makes us be beautiful. Therefore, your mess is something beautiful." He said and you looked at him amazed by the connection he just made. "And I say that life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. Darren cannot wait forever, because no one waits forever. And if you never take chances in life, you'll miss out on the best things. You gotta take some chances, you gotta risk losing it all, you gotta close your eyes and leap because it might be worth the fall, beautiful." He smiled and squeezed your shoulder as you were looking at him very mesmerized. This was feeling extremely weird.

"You remind me so much of him." You whispered, looking deeply into his eyes with your lips parted.

"Of who? Darren?" He asked while frowning.

"No..." You shook your head. "Brian." Your voice cracked and your eyes filled with tears as he looked at you sadly.

"I didn't know him too much, but I know he was your best friend. I know nobody will ever replace him, but I want you to know that you can count on me just as much as you counted on him." He said gently, with a sweet smile. Few tears escaped the corner of your eyes and he wiped them away. "I'm very sorry for your loss, beautiful." He whispered and you nodded.

"Greg, do you think you could... hug me?" You requested shyly.

You saw him smiling and, without uttering a word, he leaned over and embraced you gently but warmly. He didn't smell like Brian, his embrace wasn't as protective as Brian's hugs, his arms weren't as firm as Brian's arms, his hands caressing your back didn't feel like the hands of Brian caressing your back, and the warmth of his body was different from the warmth of Brian. But the meaning of his embrace had just the same meaning when Brian embraced you. And his words of encouragement were very similar to what Brian would have told you. And now you knew you could count on him as much as you always used to count on Brian.

"Thank you for everything." You whispered.

Greg responded with a kiss on your forehead. Something that Brian also would have done. And you missed Brian with all your soul in that moment; but you smiled because Greg was there.

---

After four days of that unfortunate conversation - dispute, calling things by their right name - with Freckles, I finished my song for her and I had thought about a little surprise, nothing too fancy or flamboyant; just a little, simple, intimate surprise. Just her, me, and my guitar. We never went to the movies, obviously; but maybe I could make up for it with this surprise. I knew Freckles wouldn't pick up my calls or read my texts, so I asked Mandy for another favor, begging her to tell Freckles to go to the Gallup Park at 4 p.m.

So there I was, sitting on that famous bench with my guitar. As always, I arrived before her. I thought about getting her a bouquet of flowers or something like that, but I thought it wouldn't be so normal, because that wasn't something I'd usually do and in this moment I just wanted to be just the way I was, true to myself, and I wanted her to be just the way she was, true to herself. That was what it was all about. But I did get her a chocolate and a cup of coffee to-go, and I got a cup of tea to-go for myself. I wondered what she would think when she finds me instead Mandy. I wondered if she would be happy to see me. I was thinking about all that stuff with my sight fixed on the Geddes Pond, until I turned my face and saw her. She was looking all around and I noticed she was wearing the same black beret, black and white striped shirt - with a coat -, and the pair of shredded jeans - with a belt - she wore the first time we met in Marin Headlands, about 3 years ago. I smiled and I thought 'So clever, Mandy'. I knew Mandy was the one who told her to dress like that. I put my hands on the pockets of my jacket and I observed her fixedly, waiting for the moment she would see me there. And she did. She frowned slightly, not in a displeased way, but in a surprised way. And she walked towards me, which was something positive.

"Darren? What are you doing here?" She asked once she was next to the bench.

"Somewhere only we know in Ann Arbor?" I grinned and shrugged. She raised her eyebrows and parted her lips.

"Oh... Oh, now I get this." She whispered. "Mandy won't come, will she?" She asked, narrowing her eyes. I just shook my head no. "I see..." She muttered and, surprisingly, instead of going away, she sat on the bench. "This is why she insisted so much that I should dress like this. I feel... Tricked!" She let out a short chuckle, what made me smile. "Since when are you and my sister co-conspirators?" She asked and I shrugged.

"Uh, since four days?" I responded and she shook her head, yet with a faint grin.

"Why would you tell her to ask me to come here instead of asking it yourself?" She asked curiously.

"Because..." I raised my eyebrows. "It'd be more surprising this way." I said and she nodded, clearly noticing that wasn't the reason. "But mostly because I know I fucked it up the last time and most likely you wouldn't want to come if I asked it myself, with totally valid reasons. And I needed you to come."

"You... you didn't fuck it up..." She looked away.

"Yes, I did. Well, it was maybe a mutual thing, you fucked it up, I fucked it up... But I was the one who fucked it up the most." I replied as she frowned slightly. "And I'm starting to believe that we are real good when it comes to fucking it up. It's always been like that. Really, think about it... Out of all the time we've been together, whether as friends or couple, the 97% of the time one of us was fucking it up. We never had a normal and perfect relationship as others; maybe that is the same reason why we always end up coming to each other at the end. We're never boring." I commented with an amused smile and she looked at me and giggled.

"I really admire your ability to see the bright side of things." She replied and I nodded.

"Thank you." I gave her a nod. "However, that wasn't the point of this all." I added and I handed her the cup of coffee to-go. "How about we have a coffee while we talk, eh?" I asked and she grinned softly and received the cup as I pulled out the chocolate. "Accompanied with a chocolate to sweeten the occasion." I added and she let out a chuckle.

"This is very, but very romantic of you." She teased and I grinned contented.

"I know right? I've never been this romantic. It doesn't feel so bad, you know?" I made fun of myself, too. I sipped my tea as she sipped her coffee, both of us staring into each other's eyes. "So... We're here because I wanna tell you that I meant what I told you that day." I confessed and she frowned and looked away. "Well, some things. Point is, I didn't tell you them in the right way. I was upset with the world, and I was upset with you, and I exploded and said things in a very wrong way." I said as she sipped her coffee, still avoiding my gaze. "I still think you're scared to fall in love, so you can't fall in love anymore. I still think you have fear of suffering, fear that one day you will be abandoned. That's why you want to take things slow, that's why you asked me to wait for you; you wanna think about every single thing, you want to be completely sure, you don't wanna take the next step with me because you're scared of what it can be. I get it." I said and she pursed her lips and looked at her lap. "You may think I'm doing this without taking the time to really think it through, and you're absolutely right." I said and she glanced at me. I kept my eyes fixed on her. "It would take me the rest of my life to think this thing through. But it's while you're thinking, while you're weighing the pros and cons, that life goes on. It passes by you while you're doing nothing. And, you see, I don't want that. I don't want my life to pass by while I'm doing nothing when instead we can be together, with all the pros and cons. I don't wanna think about what can happen to us, I want to live it and figure it out while experiencing our life together." I said very determined and she was now looking deeply into my eyes. "And I don't want to wait for you."

"I get it. No one waits forever." She said and I shook my head.

"Let me finish." I requested gently. "I don't want to wait for you because before I thought we had all of our lives to be together. And all that has happened lately made me realize that yes, we have all of our lives ahead, but we don't know when our life is gonna end. It could be in 60 years from now, or it could be in 10 years, or months, or days... even hours. We just don't know. Our lives can end at any moment, when we less expect. So I don't want to wait for you; I wanna be with you right now, because all we have for real is the now and here." I said as she was glancing at me. I could see her teary eyes, but I knew it wasn't because she was sad, it was because she was thrilled. "Considering that we only own the now and here, I wanna tell you something..." I said, picking up her chin to make her look straight into my eyes. "I like your eyes dark circles of not sleeping to be learning. I like your hair not combed, because you have better things to do." I said with an amused smile as she frowned and tittered. "I like you complaining, because you can think for yourself. I like that you dress the way you want, because you know you have the right to do so." I continued saying as she was smiling at me. "I like you fighting for what you believe is right, you're not domesticated, and that's what I like the most. And if only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person... It's for all of that that I love you." I stroked her cheek. "So..." I took a deep breath. "Ready or not, here I come..." I looked deeply into her eyes. "I am going to love the shit out of you. No matter what you decide to do to me. As long as I can sleep in your bed and hold you in my arms, I want to be there." I said and then I turned around to grab my guitar. She frowned in curiosity. "We have our way to tell our feelings, right?" I asked while playing my guitar.

"I guess so." She answered with a sweet grin. "Are you gonna sing for me?"

"Yep. But it won't be a random song I searched for the occasion. It is a song written especially for you and this exact moment." I answered.

"Are you trying to say that you composed another song for me?" She narrowed her eyes with an amused smile.

"That's exactly what I'm trying to say." I winked and she changed the amused smile for a sweet one. "And because this song is yours, you're gonna be the first one listening to it. So... Please, listen to it very intently, because this is only for you, baby."

"Okay." She beamed tenderly.

Say, wasn't that a funny day?

Gee you had a funny way, a way about you

A kind of glow of something new

Sure, I'll admit that I'm the same

Another sucker for a game kids like to play

And the rules they like to use

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel for you?

The sun telling me the night is done

Well I refuse to let it stop our fun

Close your eyes, we'll make it dark again

And kiss, there's a thought so how 'bout this?

Let's pretend that both our lips are made of candy

After all we need sweets every now and then

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel for you?

Well here we are two strangers in a very different place

Who knows what will happen to us next?

Here we are with nothing but this little spark

It's too cold outside to lay this fire to rest

Go, how so very apropos

A goodbye just as soon as I said hello

Well, alright, I'll see you later

It's true, it's just a fantasy for two

But what's the difference if it all could have been true?

I guess this is better

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel for you?

Oh, don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel?

Don't you want the way I feel for you?

Don't you want the way that I feel for you?

"So, yeah…" I said as soon as I stopped singing, putting my guitar aside as she was looking intensely into my eyes. "I won't write anymore about you putting an initial. I know things are confusing, but even like that, I'm still here, insisting. I don't know what life, days or each moment would bring me or us. I only know that everything I say and write is true." I took her hands into mine and I moved closer. "Many things in life hurts, but today it hurts me your doubt. Do I have to tattoo how much I love you in my body so that way you'll tattoo it on your mind?" I asked and she frowned slightly, apparently a bit confused. I was nervous to screw it up again, but what the hell; I wanted her. "I love you, the words I wrote weren't for anyone but you. You inspired them, only you. Understand that. My words aren't empty. It's your heart that is broken and has trouble for feeling. But I love you, and I know you love me; so just let's love each other." I said almost desperate, very close to her.

She stayed silent for a while, apparently trying to take in all I said and what I sang to her. And for the first time, I didn't talk to fill the silence and I waited for some kind of response, of reaction from her about my feelings. I wanted to hear her saying something. She opened her mouth, but a thunder muffled the sound of her voice and the heavy rain that started to pour down interrupted the climax. We stood up and ran to find some place to shelter from the rain.

---

"This is crazy!" You giggled as you and he were running in the rain, holding hands. He suddenly stopped and pierced your eyes with his.

"I'm crazy." Darren said, a smile crossing his lips. "About you."

Darren stood over you, and a drop of rain slid from his curly dark hair, landing on your collarbone. You felt it slide along your skin, disappearing beneath the neckline of your shirt. His hazel eyes followed the raindrop, and you began to quiver on the inside. He sucked some of the rain from your bottom lip, and you felt his mouth smile against yours. He swept your hair aside and kissed you just above the collarbone. He nibbled at your earlobe, then pressed his lips into your shoulder. He buried his face in the curve of your shoulder, his hands flexing over your back as he gave a low groan.

"I love you, Freckles." He murmured into your neck and enfolded his arms around you.

His hazel eyes looked intensely into yours. In that very moment you knew that your love for him was true. You knew that his love for you was true. You knew it was true when you found him looking at you and by looking into his eyes you could notice the reflection of his soul, when by hearing your name coming out of his mouth you could understand the reason for your existence, and when by feeling the warmth of his embrace you sensed that time stopped. You knew it was true because for the first time in a while you were feeling it all over again. Without hesitation, without doubts and fears this time, you placed a hand on the nape of his neck and pulled him to you. And you kissed him. From time to time you opened your eyes when you were kissing, you watched him and you could see it. You could actually see love; not words, not an emotion, not an abstract concept or a subjective state of mind, but a living, breathing thing. You didn't want it to be one good memory that led to a lot of bad ones. You wanted it to stay what it was, one amazing moment, something that was strong and sweet enough to stand on its own. Something you could remember without any pain. You were no longer scared of falling in love, because you were already in love with him; and it felt wonderful. And if anything, love was a beautiful fear. You parted and looked at him radiantly. He was a bit confused, taken aback.

"I love you. I fucking love you, Darren." You said loudly to surpass the sound of the rain. "In a perfect world, I would be the kind of person who feels something with great conviction and acts upon it with unerring focus, who is sure of themselves in a way that radiates confidence and puts others at ease. If I were this kind of person, I would have come to you so long ago. I would have told you everything I really felt. But I am telling you now. I love you." You giggled and a wide smile spread across Darren's face as the rain drops were still falling off your faces. "And you must know something about me... Something you already know, something I already told you in high school... But I want you to know it all again..." You exclaimed while smiling brightly as Darren rested his forehead on yours. "I'm the kind of girl who will call you too much; who will fall neatly under the label of crazy because her emotions tend to spill out all at once, and in full color. I find myself unable to sit on my hands when it comes to waiting for the phone to ring, to allowing someone I am over the moon about to take their time and call me when they're ready. When I am infatuated with you, all sense of basic social propriety flies out the window and my entire life is dependent on the sweet, tinny ringing of a phone. I will hound your message box and immediately regret every text I send, wishing that I were the kind of person who could exhibit that coy, sexy restraint." Darren giggled and pecked your lips.

"You're sexy as hell. And trust me, I will love every text you send me." He whispered in front of your wet lips. You giggled, not able to contain your joy.

"Wait, there's more..." You said and he looked at you with a pair of bright hazel eyes, as rain drops were dripping from his long lashes. "I'm the kind of girl who will fight sometimes for no reason, who will create arguments out of thin air because she is frustrated and sometimes takes it out on the people who deserve it least but will stand for it most. I will know that what I am doing is wrong in the moment, that a label of psycho being flung at me will be as stinging as it is accurate, but be unable to stop myself. I will see in this a kind of pinch to remind yourself that you are alive, that you are fresh, that you are worth fighting for, even if it's selfish and juvenile. I love things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex." You said, placing both of your hands on his wet cheeks and kissing him fervently. You parted and looked into his stunned hazel eyes. "I'm the kind of girl who will love you more loudly than you love her and not know how to make it seem like she doesn't. There will always be an urgency and difficulty in my love, because I am constantly trying to catch up with myself." You said and he let out a chuckle as his eyes sparkled. "I'm the kind of girl who talks too loudly and curses too often. A girl who strives to be at once charmingly funny and undoubtedly feminine, but who will always have a small voice in my head which encourages me to tell the dirty joke, to make the overly-frank comment, and to sacrifice the seen-and-not-heard beauty that we are raised to admire in a woman at any social gathering, making you feel totally embarrassed of me." You frowned and he burst out laughing.

"I won't feel embarrassed of you. I will curse along with you and I will continue your dirty jokes. We will be the most foul-mouthed and perverted couple ever!" He laughed and leaned to give you a passionate kiss while you were giggling. "Who needs a lady as a girlfriend if I can have the dirty and honest one?"

"Exactly!" You laughed in front of his lips. "I will never be a proper lady, but I will be myself. And I will love you. I will love you for real." You looked intensely into his eyes, feeling the rain falling on you and feeling super cold, but not giving a shit about it because you were burning inside. "And if you think you can handle my mess, handle the kind of girl I am, then I will be your girlfriend and I will always give you all of myself. So... Can you handle me?" You asked ardently and he parted his lips and pierced your eyes with his.

"Fuck yeah." He responded, placing his hands on your jaw. "Fuck, yeah, baby. I want to handle you. I can handle you." He whispered and pulled you into a very passionate, wet kiss. "I love you." He whispered in front of your lips, then he parted and pointed his head up, the rain hitting his face. "I fucking love you!" He yelled at the top of his lungs and you chortled loudly. Then he turned his gaze to you. "I will love you more loudly than you love me, now."

He pulled you to him, wrapped his arms around you and you started spinning round and round, under the rain, laughing; not giving a damn shit about the world and the pain, the bad, the doubts and fears. Nobody and nothing would steal this moment when you began to love to the fullest again. In that moment you were living according to that famous quote: "You gotta dance like nobody's watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow, and love like it's never going to hurt". It was a good way to live while having Darren in your life. You ended up in your dorm room to be alone in a warm place, sheltered from rain. When you were cuddling on the couch, drinking a hot chocolate to warm up, Darren fondled your cheek with his thumb and gave one affectionate smile.

"Would you sing for me?" He requested and you looked at him surprised. "The only remaining thing to make this moment perfect is to hear your voice singing for me." He pecked your lips as you tittered.

"Okay, I'll sing for you, then." You answered. He rested his head on your lap and you started stroking his curls before leaning to sing in his ear, in a whisper.

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a guy like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed

But I have loved you from the start

Oh

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a guy like you is impossible to find

It's impossible

So breathe in so deep

Breathe me in

I'm yours to keep

And hold onto your words

'Cause talk is cheap

And remember me tonight

When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a guy like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a guy like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

"A girl like you is impossible to find." He murmured with his eyes closed, a sweet smile crossing his lips.

---

Next day I woke up in Freckles' bed, holding her in my arms as she was resting her head on my chest and intertwining her legs with mine. Day 2 since she became my girlfriend: I was happy. I didn't need anything else to feel happy, just this. She was fast asleep, so I took advantage to watch her while stroking her short hair. A smile crossed her lips. She was mine, she was finally mine. I kissed her temple and rested my cheek on the top of her head, then I began to sing in a whisper to wake her up in a nice way.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping

While you're far away and dreaming

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

I could stay lost in this moment forever

Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating

And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,

Wondering if it's me you're seeing

Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together

And I just wanna stay with you

In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

Freckles, with her eyes still closed and a smile on her face, sang all of a sudden, and I shut up to hear her singing.

I don't wanna miss one smile

I don't wanna miss one kiss

Well, I just wanna be with you

Right here with you, just like this

Then she shut up and I sang. She opened her eyes and looked up at me.

I just wanna hold you close

I feel your heart so close to mine

And just stay here in this moment

For the rest of time,

At the same time, I closed my fist to simulate a microphone and I pointed it to her as she did the same and pointed her fist to me. And we screamed with gruff voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I let her sing the next part, she sang while looking deeply into my eyes.

Don't wanna close my eyes

Don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

Then she shut up, and I sang the next verse.

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

Freckles sang.

I don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

Then, with my most gruff voice, I closed my eyes and sang, pulling out my rocker side.

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream would never do

and I'd still miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

Freckles, all of a sudden, stood up in the bed and with her fist, she pretended to be a rock start and sang the last part of the song as I looked at her amused.

Don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep, yeah

I don't wanna miss a thing

Oh holy shit. That was hot as fuck. Her voice was husky and hot as fuck, her rocker pose was sexy and hot as fuck. Her disheveled hair, the sensual faces she was making, her luscious lips opening and closing, the sexy nightgown, her legs, her everything. Damn, this was the first time I heard – and saw – her singing a rock song. And I fucking loved it. I took her hand and I pulled her to me, making her fall on top of me. I barely gave her time to react, because I kissed her ardently as she giggled in between the kiss.

"Damn, I love you, baby." I whispered when we parted.

"I love you too, Darebear. Very, very, very much, to the moon and back!" She exclaimed with a goofy smile that made me giggle.

I rolled onto my side and propped my head up on my hand to look at her, as she was lying on her back, but her face turned in my direction to look at me. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and I smiled, thinking that it was really great that the first thing I got to see in the morning was her; and I thought this was what I wanted for every morning from this day on.

"What do you think about me?" I asked randomly, seeing how her eyes were shining owing to the morning sunlight filtering through the window. She narrowed her eyes and took a moment to answer.

"I think you're so imperfect, mad and ridiculous." She answered and I raised my eyebrows. Definitely, that wasn't the kind of answer I was expecting.

"Whoa! Thank you, I guess, for being that rude." I replied, widening my eyes.

"I'm not rude." She answered back, frowning. Again, I raised my eyebrows.

"Sure you're not. I never heard such romantic and lovely words." I exclaimed with absolute sarcasm.

"That's because you still don't know that I think that imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." She winked while taking my hands in hers. I looked at her deeply into the eyes, a grin crossing my lips when I heard that explanation that surprised me.

"Alright, you know what?" I asked while caressing her hands with my thumbs. "You know that feeling you get when you order a pizza and then the pizza guy comes, and he rings the doorbell so you open the door and he hands you your pizza and you feel the warmth radiating through the box?" I asked and she frowned and nodded slowly, surely not getting why I came up with that. "Yeah, well... That's how I feel when I talk to you, very warm and happy inside." I added and she burst out laughing as I pecked her lips.

"See? You're imperfect, mad and ridiculous." She tittered.

"Thank you for the compliment, baby. You're also imperfect, mad and ridiculous." I responded with a wink. "Now…" I purred while placing a hand on her waist, snuggling up closer to her. "What if I make you breakfast, eh?" I asked and she laughed.

"Darebear… I really like this very cute proposition." She answered with an amused smile. "But leave it up to me. Nothing personal. Just a precaution." She kinda mocked me and of course I didn't take it in a bad way. I was just trying to be nice, but I really didn't want to do it.

"Someday... I will get better than you when it comes to cooking. Then I will be the one mocking you." I joked.

"I'm looking forward to that day." She chortled. "Now, how about I make breakfast and you take a shower?"

"Is this a subtle way to say I'm smelly?" I questioned amused and she smirked amused.

"Yes, a very subtle way to say you stink." She jested.

"Okay, I'll take a shower and put perfume all over my body for you provided that you give me a kiss right now." I requested while puckering my lips.

"Hmm, I can do that..." She whispered seductively, snuggling closer and intertwining her legs with mine while placing a hand on my chest. "Where do you want that kiss?" She asked with a mischievous smirk. "Shoulder?" She kissed my shoulder as I lowered my gaze to look at her amused. "Chest?" She left a trail of small kisses from my shoulder to the middle of my chest. "Maybe here?" She breathed on my chest before kissing one of my nipples. She looked mischievously into my eyes as I parted my lips before she sucked it and nibbled it softly.

"Oh, I like that..." I groaned.

"Is this the place where you want me to kiss you?" She asked and I shook my head.

"No, keep trying and I will tell you where..." I responded with a provocative smirk, my voice sounding husky and my eyes fixed on hers.

"Hmm... Perhaps here..." She whispered in my nipple, making me shiver.

Then she planted small kisses from my nipple to my belly button that she licked in circles, making me moan softly. The intensity of her stare looking into my eyes was driving me crazy. I shook my head and she contoured the right side of my V line with the tip of her tongue. I could barely maintain eye contact at this point. I tossed back my head and a bit louder moan came out of my mouth.

"You like here?" She breathed out in the line she licked, causing me a chill. Fuck, of course I liked there, but I wanted her to keep doing this.

"Hmm..." I groaned and she licked the left side of my V line. I gripped the elastic band of my underwear and I pulled it down, just a bit.

"Are you suggesting me one place to kiss you, babe?" She asked and I nodded.

She just kissed my lower stomach and I looked down to see her again. Then she did something that drove me crazy. She planted kisses on the part I suggested and then she sucked a particular spot before running the tip of her tongue from there up to my collarbone in straight line, painfully slow. She sucked my collarbone and then all over the left side of my neck till my earlobe; she contoured my jawline, sucked my chin and ran her tongue from the chin to my lower lip, she tugged my lower lip with her mouth and then kissed my lips, all of a sudden and fervently. I buried one hand on the back of her head and placed my other hand on her lower back to pull her to me and feel her body against mine. And I kissed her back, just as fervently. She nibbled my lower lip and looked at me straight in the eye.

"Is that the way you like?" She asked with a naughty smirk.

"Damn, baby. Where did you learn to do that?" I asked with husky voice.

That was completely different from what I expected from her, because this was completely different from the way she kissed me in high school. Where the hell went all of her shyness? Not that I was complaining, though.

"Do you really wanna know?" She raised an eyebrow.

And I automatically regretted to have asked that question. She had two boyfriends after me - Ian and Brian - and she surely learned from her experiences with them, which I certainly didn't want to know. I didn't want to know what she did with her ex-boyfriends and I didn't want to picture her doing this to them.

"Uh..." I babbled and she smirked.

"Porn movies." She joked and winked as I burst out laughing.

"You just ruined the moment, Freckles." I shook my head amused.

"You asked, I answered." She shrugged. "Yet, you didn't answer my question. Is that the way you like to be kissed?"

"Most definitely. Perhaps later you can explore other parts of my body. And I do want to explore yours." I winked and she chuckled.

"Perhaps later, Darebear." She answered. "Now you stink and you have to take a shower."

"Okay." I laughed and pecked her lips. "You also stink... And you know the problem of water scarcity... Such a serious and terrible issue! Maybe we could preserve and conserve water by taking a shower together; we'll be doing something to contribute to environmental sustainability by making decisions and taking action that are in the interests of protecting the natural world, with particular emphasis on preserving the capability of the environment to support human life and thus minimize the negative impact of the consequences of global warming." I wiggled my brows and she looked at me amused, biting her lips and nodding slowly.

"Yeah... I agree that environmental sustainability and sustainable development is development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs. But you know that environmental sustainability it's not simply about reducing the amount of waste you produce, but is concerned with developing processes that will lead to businesses becoming completely sustainable in the future." She answered and I looked at her without saying anything at all. It was stupid of me to think that Freckles wouldn't be able to discuss this topic.

"Well, yeah... But we, as individuals living in the present and as individuals responsible for the lives of future generations, can start doing our little part that could encourage businesses to become aware of this major problem and hence start taking action over the issue." I answered in a challenging way.

"And we will encourage businesses to do that by exposing them a research document on how taking a shower with your partner is an action extremely effective and serious because it can considerably minimize the problem of global warming." She teased and I smiled and nodded. She stood up in bed and closed her fist to pretend she was holding a microphone, then her face turned very serious. "The World Commission on Environment and Development of the United Nations has resolved to promote showers in couples to reduce the waste of water in order to improve the quality of human life while living within the carrying capacity of supporting eco-systems, so that future generations may also have their needs met." She spoke with absolute clarity and modulated voice as I laughed out loud.

"You are such a teaser and dork!" I laughed. "As a responsible and active individual in this society, I commit myself to do my duty as promoted by the World Commission on Environment and Development of the United Nations." I added and she giggled. "So, shower together, baby?" I winked.

"Too bad I took a shower before going to sleep. And you know, we have to be conscious about water scarcity." She responded and I grouched. "Take that shower, I make breakfast and instead of complaining, you'll be happy as a pig in a peach orchard."

"Are you calling me pig?" I asked playfully.

"An adorkable pig." She pecked my lips quickly before standing up, and I couldn't even answer her something.

"I'm not a pig!" I yelled from the bedroom and I heard her laughter coming from the kitchenette. "I'm more like a stud." I yelled while making my way to the bathroom. "An adorkable and super sexy and hot stud." She laughed again.

I entered the bathroom and I took a long shower, because even though I wanted to be near Freckles as soon as possible again, I was in the typical thoughtful mood I usually had in the shower time. March 8 was going to be my new favorite day of the year; the day that, after 2 years, Freckles and I started dating again. I wasn't good at remembering dates and I wasn't like one of those dudes who celebrate their anniversary each month, but I was going to remember March 8, 2007. When I got out the shower and got dressed, Freckles was still making breakfast. She was giving me her back and didn't notice I was there, so I thought about scaring her by appearing behind her all of a sudden; but I got distracted with a paper folded in half that spelled "Darren Everett Criss". I frowned and without saying a word, I took the paper and I saw it was a letter with Freckles' handwriting. I sat at the table and read it right away.

I wish you hadn't kissed me. I wish that time would have stopped completely, right as you leaned in, and I would have had a moment to gather my thoughts — to shake my head in a wave of better decision-making — and walk away. Even that knot in my stomach, as thrilling and terrifying as it was, would have had time to untangle if given enough well-reasoned thought and a few feet of distance. I could have looked at you, appreciated you the way one might a well-carved statue, and decided against it. I may have even touched your face, frozen in that perfect moment just before you close your eyes in a full embrace, and whispered in your perfectly-still ear that I will probably regret not having kissed you. But then I would have left you behind, and things would be so much easier.

Because you know — you must know, right? — that the way you kiss someone, the way you hold the nape of their neck lightly in your palm and bring them towards you, is as effective as it is unmistakable. You kiss like no one else, like someone who is at once exploring uncharted territory and walking a city he knows like the back of his hand. You knew, even if you wouldn't admit it now, that leaning in and pulling me close was an act of conquering as much as a foreigner arriving in a strange new land, planting his flag and declaring to everyone he can reach that the peaks and valleys of this territory are now his.

It's almost as though I can now pinpoint the border between our stages of interaction: before you kissed me, and after. I won't deny that, before you pressed your lips to mine, I was interested in you. I was fascinated, taken the way a child might be with a brand-new toy that cannot be unwrapped quickly enough. But after we crossed that invisible line between us, after we broke down whatever pretend wall we had constructed between us with exasperating social norms, I was infatuated. In a way that I cannot explain, I had become intoxicated by the very feel of you. The way your fingers felt woven between my own, the way your lips felt against my earlobe, the way your hips pressed against mine in a touch which only implied what it longed to scream — it was something I needed, something that could not be recreated or replaced.

And now I am beholden to it, dependent on its constant affirmations of life and vitality. This feeling of youth, of beauty, of reciprocal desire that says, all at once, "I need you" and "Please need me in return" — it has become a fountain from which I must drink greedily, or waste away in thirst. I am overwhelmed with a fear that this must be unsustainable, that there is no gift which is given in such generous quantities, which is open for the harvest at all times of year. It only seems logical that, as though someone suddenly turned off a faucet, there will come a moment when this all runs dry. Only then will I be faced with the full repercussions of loving something so much, of wanting it so impatiently, of being desperate in a way I could not be bothered to hide.

But you have kissed me. You have shown me that there is something better, something greater, something which makes all other touch feel rough and ignorant. You have promised me something that you could easily rescind, something which you could give or take with the carelessness of a petulant child if you so chose. And I say you shouldn't have kissed me with that same petulance. Perhaps there is a tiny part of me which resents you for having given me this, because I know I hold a constant weakness in the face of you taking it away some day. Of course you should have kissed me, of course I am glad you did, it is just that admitting means acknowledging just how much I depend on it — how much I now need to be kissed again, and again, and again.

I finished reading with my lips parted. Whoa. It was a bit confusing, but somehow it made me feel kind of... sexy. And turned on. Just picturing Freckles thinking that way about me, about the way I kissed her and touched her, just picturing her needing me that much was enough to make me feel turned on. If only she knew how her kisses made me feel... We would never run dry. I read the last part again "how much I now need to be kissed again, and again, and again" and I was about to comment something until I saw a mug of tea placed in front of me. I looked behind me and I saw Freckles staring at me with an amused smile. I stared at her in silence, still surprised by what I read, and she, without uttering a single word, joined me at the table with another mug of tea and two dishes of hotcakes. She handed me one dish and looked fixedly at me, sipping her tea.

"You wrote this, baby?" I finally spoke, showing her the letter.

"No. No, actually." She answered and I frowned slightly. "I mean, yes, that's my handwriting; but I'm not the author." She added and I nodded in silence. She paused and we stared into each other's eyes. "However, the author of that text totally read my mind and found out what I feel in my heart, and put into words what I'd never be able to put into words. So, I guess it must be like some sort of shared ideas, like the two of us are like the authors, you know?" She rambled and I let out a chuckle, moving my chair closer to hers. I took both of her hands.

"I love when you start talking nonsense." I pecked her lips and she tittered. "And I love that the author of this read your mind." I added, pecking her lips again. "And I completely love that you gave this to me." I whispered in front of her lips and fondled her cheek. "And I just love you." I didn't kiss her, but I looked deeply into her eyes, with a sweet smile.

"This is weird..." She suddenly commented, combing some wet curls that were falling on my eyes. "A good kind of weird." She combed my wet curls with her fingers and I let her do so, as I was looking straight in her eye. "For the first time in years we can be together without feeling this ain't right, without having to worry about anything and anyone, with nothing meddling between us. It's like..." She paused.

"High school?" I filled the silence. She looked at me and grinned.

"Yes, like in high school. The good times of high school. And even better... because this time we don't have to go different ways and have a long-distance relationship; we're both here, in college." She replied and I smiled.

"And it'll be like that for many years. And then... Then we can move together." I said with a tender smile. Her eyes twinkled. "Because, you know? You stole my heart, so it's only fair if I steal your last name and replace it with mine." I winked and she giggled. "Mrs. Criss. It sounds real good."

"I thought I was Mrs. Cheeky Creepy Bossynova?" She questioned amused and I laughed.

"Mrs. Cheeky Creepy Criss Bossynova." I said and she bit her lips.

"That's such a long name!" Freckles exclaimed. "What about Freckles?"

"Freckles will always be your nickname. But everybody uses it now. So... We have our own names in the intimacy that will always belong only to you and me." I responded. "The short name will be Mrs. Criss, though. And everybody will know you're Mrs. Criss."

"It's that because of jealousy, Mr. Goober Criss Bossynova?" She asked amused.

"Always because of jealousy, baby." I nuzzled her nose and made a scrunchy face before pecking her lips. "You're mine now. And I'm yours. And the one who dares to meddle will end up with their ass bruised."

"Oh, rude!" She giggled. "How do you think others will take the news that we're together now?" She asked intrigued.

"I think... They will say: About time, you suckers!" I exclaimed loudly and she chortled. "I don't know if you're aware that to them we are like two guys who take baby steps, who come and go, who are there but not quite there..." I continued saying. "They will fall on their ass when they see us together and they will even question if this is real life and if we are us or we are people posing as us..."

"Okay, I get it, I get it!" She interrupted me with a giggle. "We really are suckers."

"Suckers who got each other at the end." I winked. "So, how about after attending our courses you pack some clothes so that you spend the night at my apartment? I will invite Jen to come over to have dinner and we will tell them about us."

"I think it's a pretty good idea. But you know that after dinner I can come back to my dorm room..." She said with a mischievous smile.

"Yes, I know. But I want you to spend the night with me. So, you'll spend the night at my apartment, baby." I pecked her lips before sipping my tea.

We finished our breakfast and it was time to go separate ways to attend our respective courses. I really didn't want to go different ways and she didn't want it either. It was the excitement of our new relationship. We walked holding hands until she had to go to her classroom and I had to go to mine. And we kissed and kissed until the last minute, in public, not giving a damn shit about anything and anyone, and that felt good.

"Have a good day. See you tonight, baby." I winked and gave her a last kiss before going to the first class of the day.

This day started in the best way possible and I was feeling more radiant than ever. Life was good, I thought. Sometimes life kicks us down and right when we're sinking, something pulls us up to the surface and makes us realize that life goes on and it's beautiful, I thought. Being with Freckles was beautiful.

"What you wanted, bro." I whispered while looking up at the sky. And I smiled for real.

---

It was 9 p.m. when you arrived at Darren's apartment, with your bag with clothes to spend the night there, and Darren texted you that everybody was already there. When you knocked the door, Darren was the one who opened the door with a big, cheesy grin. He stepped out and closed the door to give you a passionate kiss, because he wanted to keep this in secret until dinner, when you'd tell everybody that you were now dating. He placed both hands on your waist and pushed you softly against the wall of the corridor, still kissing you as you placed your hands on his shoulders, smiling in between the kiss.

"Save some for later, Darebear." You giggled in front of his lips and he parted to look at you into the eyes with a wide smile, placing a hand on your jawline.

"I've got an unlimited stock of kisses when it comes to you, baby." He winked and pressed his lips to yours, grabbing a hold of your hands. Then he brushed your lips with his and parted. "But we gotta tell everybody about this so that I'll be allowed to do this in a non-clandestine way."

"I agree." You looked at his lips and giggled. "You have my lipstick on your mouth." You said and placed your forefinger on his lips as he grinned and puckered his lips, letting you to remove the lipstick. "Done." You said, but he pecked your lips again. "Darren!"

"I can't help it! Your lips taste as cherry!" He responded with a chuckle, licking his lips. "I can't wait to eat all that cherry." He commented with a mischievous smirk.

"Maybe I could put cherry on other parts besides my lips." You winked and he slightly parted his lips.

"That's a very inviting and tempting suggestion, baby. I assume you want to provoke me right now." He replied and you just shot him a seductive look. "Fuck, don't look at me that way, baby. You know I can't resist it." He whispered in front of your lips before tugging softly your bottom lip. He licked his lips again. "Cherry is my new favorite flavor."

"I'm glad you like it." You tittered, running your fingers through his curly hair. "How about we get in now?"

"Yeah..." His voice sounded husky. He pulled you into a passionate kiss again, this time pressing his body against yours, running his hands over your sides. "Yeah. We should..." He breathed heavily into your lips before kissing you again. "Get in..." He licked your bottom lip and then opened his eyes and looked at you. "Yes, we should get it in, baby. Would you remove the lipstick on my mouth?" He requested and you giggled before doing it. He kissed your finger and then held your hand and smiled at you. "Are you nervous?"

"Not at all!" You answered right away. "I'm very eager to tell them about us. I just want everybody to know that you're mine, Mr. Criss." You grinned and his eyes sparkled.

"Same, Mrs. Criss." He winked and you laughed. "Then I will kiss you in front of that Noah dude."

"Darren..." You raised an eyebrow. However, deep down, you really enjoyed the fact that he was jealous.

"I was just kidding, baby..." He looked away, pretending to be indifferent, so you bit your tongue not to laugh. "Maybe just in front of Greg." He said and he just had to look at you to add something else. "Kidding!"

"Darebear, just let's get in, shall we?" You chuckled and he nodded, pecking your lips one last time before opening the door.

You entered his apartment and you saw Joey, Mandy and Jen already sitting at the table that was already set. You greeted everyone and then Darren and you joined them, sitting next to each other. You noticed everybody was looking at you two as if you had something weird on your faces; you saw Mandy looking at Darren's mouth, then turning her gaze to yours, and finally making a mischievous smile curl her lips. Your frowned slightly and Darren did the same.

"Dude, you have something red on your mouth." Joey finally spoke, looking at Darren who raised his eyebrows before running his fingers over his lips.

"Yeah. And sister... Your lipstick smeared all over your face." Mandy raised an eyebrow with an amused smirk as you widened your eyes, looked down and, surreptitiously, tried to remove the smeared lipstick. You heard their giggles.

"How does it taste, Darren?" Jen asked, trying to hold back her laughter. There went your plan to keep this as a surprise: straight to hell.

"Cherry." Darren winked. "Freckles brought cherries and we ate them before entering because we are that greedy." He added and you tittered, looking at him who was also looking at you.

"We had a craving for cherries." You shrugged.

"And you ate the dessert before dinner, uh?" Mandy bit her lips very amused.

"Oh, trust me... That was just the side dish. The dessert will be more abundant and generous." Darren responded, waggling his brows.

"And more delicious." You added with a wink. "But it's just a dessert for two."

"And we're greedy. So..." Darren looked at you.

"It's only for us." You finished the sentence as Joey, Mandy and Jen were looking intently at you two.

"Because cherries are our thing." He winked.

"They are what connect and unite us." You smiled amused.

"Since we got the cherries, we cannot be separated." Darren put an arm over your shoulder and you looked into each other's eyes.

"Therefore, the cherries gave us the initiative to start something new." You grinned widely.

"Something intimate." Darren pulled you closer to him.

"Something between us." You added, never breaking eye contact with him.

"Something that labeled us."

"Labeled us as the cherry couple." You clarified as the rest were looking at you two very anxious. Darren giggled.

"We are a cherry couple now." He exclaimed joyfully and this time you giggled.

"Darren is my cherry boyfriend." You grinned sweetly at him, running your fingers through his curls.

"And Freckles is my cherry girlfriend." Darren rubbed your shoulder, smiling back at you.

"And these are the cherries news!" You exclaimed with a radiant smile.

Darren and you finally broke eye contact to look at them. They were looking at you with eyes wide open and agape, extremely silent, clearly surprised by the news… Or perhaps by the quirky way you told the news, in a way that wasn't the previously planned way to tell them, but that served its purpose.

"You are cherry idiots!" Mandy exclaimed loudly, but a broad smile spread across her face. "Holy shit, you suckers! About time, goddammit!" She squealed, clapping and showing all her teeth.

You thought your sister would be the less happy person over the news considering she still resented Darren ever since he left you in high school, but it was anything but. Oddly enough, she was overflowing with joy; and of course that made you feel good. In the meantime, Darren and you laughed because this was exactly what you thought they will say.

"Dude, with all the cherries you're gonna eat you're gonna turn into a chubby hobbit with that bushy curly hair. It'll be legit to call you Sam if you dye your hair, man." Joey commented and you giggled.

"I'll be the Frodo for his Sam. Screw Rosie Cotton!" You exclaimed and Darren looked at you.

"I prefer you to be Rosie Cotton... They made two babies at the end." Darren replied.

"No kids, no kids for now!" Mandy exclaimed alarmed and both you and Darren laughed.

"Congratulations, guys. It's really nice to know you're finally together." Jen smiled kindly at the two of you.

"Thanks, Jenny." Darren responded and then he pecked your lips. "I really love cherries." He said.

"Hey, you might have the cherries, but I've got goji berries, which are very aphrodisiac." Joey commented, kissing Mandy's lips.

"Yes, we're better than them, my stud." Mandy winked.

"Nobody will ever be a better couple than me and Freckles. Right, baby?" Darren asked, wrapping an arm around you.

"That's so damn right, Darebear." You answered, kissing him again, this time more deeply.

"Oh, we're doing this? A kiss competition. We can win you, suckers." Mandy said defiantly, but in a jokingly way.

Very amused, you observed and listened to Darren, Joey and Mandy arguing playfully about your respective relationships and quality of kisses and more; until you turned your face and saw Jen. She was grinning faintly, but she had cast her eyes down and you could notice a glint of sadness, perhaps nostalgia in them. Suddenly you became aware of this whole situation in which Mandy got Joey and you got Darren and all of you moved on or at least were beginning to move on, while Jen was stuck. And she didn't deserve it, so you felt a pang of anguish in your chest and decided to change the subject of conversation. Therefore, during the rest of the dinner, nobody talked about relationships again. After dinner, you decided to play a board game, but you saw that Jen walked out to the balcony and you followed her. Darren followed you with his gaze, but he smiled and gave you a nod, getting that you wanted to talk to her in private. Jen was resting her elbows on the balcony railing, observing the buildings around. You stood next to her and also rested your elbows on the railing, placing your hands on your arms to protect from the cold breeze. She turned her gaze to you and grinned softly.

"I'm very happy for your new relationship with Darren, Freckles. I'm pretty sure this time it'll work out for you two, you deserve it and you love each other, so it's really nice to see you together, like in high school." She said and you smiled.

"Thanks, Jen. I hope it's better than in high school." You chuckled softly and so did she.

"Yes, I hope the same. But... if after all this time you got to be together again, then it'll for sure be better than in high school. I imagine going to your wedding." She winked and you giggled.

"Isn't it too soon for a wedding?" You asked amused.

"It is now. But I know you're gonna last, so..." She shrugged with a smile. "I'd like to be the bridesmaid; so keep it in mind."

"If we ever get married, you will be the bridesmaid, Jen." You giggled and she grinned again, but afterwards she looked down and her eyes glimmered with tears.

"You know? When I was helping Brian to let you go, after he did so, we had a little talk..." She whispered with her gaze lost and you looked deeply into her eyes. "He told me he knew he was doing the right thing and he told me that in your and Darren's wedding he'd love to be the groomsman, and that nothing will make him feel more honored." She commented with a faint grin, her eyes teary.

"Brian told you that?" You asked with brittle voice, your own eyes shimmering with tears, feeling that pain in the chest you haven't felt in the last two days.

"Yes. He believed in you and Darren; he knew you'd eventually get married. And he was glad for it, because he knew you'd be happy as he always wanted." Jen answered while looking into your eyes and this time it was you the one who looked down and made a great effort to hold the tears back.

"I'd have chosen Brian to be the groomsman; and I know Darren would have chosen him, too." You tried to utter with choked voice. "And I'd have loved to be the bridesmaid in his wedding... In his weeding probably with you..." Your voice cracked and a tear slid down from the corner of your eye.

When you glanced at Jen, you saw she had turned her face to one side and had her eyes closed, she was biting her lips that were quivering and silent tears were rolling down her cheeks. It was really sad to see the effort she was making to remain silent so that you wouldn't notice her pain. You stepped closer and wrapped an arm around her, softly squeezing her arm as a muffled wail came out of her mouth. She leaned her head and rested it on your shoulder, now sobbing, but still quietly. You didn't know she was suffering that much about Brian's death until that moment when she broke into a heart wrenching crying and you had to hold her in order not to let her fall because she weakened. She's always been a strong person, so it was baffling to see her breaking, so vulnerable. You rubbed her back to try to comfort her, but you knew it wouldn't work because she's been holding back her pain for too long in front of everybody until that moment, so the pain accumulated was too big to reassure her. You couldn't tell her 'it'll be okay', because you knew they were poor words to tell someone who has just lost the person with whom they were in love. Perhaps Jen imagined and dreamed of this future with Brian, and now those dreams were broken.

"I miss him every day. I even miss the things we missed doing." She uttered in between sobs and that made you feel deeply afflicted, so you hugged her tighter. "We weren't even close to begin a relationship... But I had hopes. And I had dreams. And now I no longer have hopes and dreams. Everything died with him." She let out a heartbreaking whimper. "And I shouldn't be breaking in front of you... Because I know you got the hardest part, I know you knew him much more than me and you spent more time with him... I don't have the right, not in front of you..." She tried to wipe her tears away and you frowned slightly, then parted to look at her.

"Jen... That's not fair." You said while wiping her tears away. "It doesn't matter if I spent more time with him or if I knew him more. You were in love with him; you are in love with him. So you have the same right to suffer about this than me, if not even more. You are the one who got the hardest part, Jen. You have the right more than anyone. And I'm glad you finally allowed yourself to grieve; it's always bad to hide your pain away." You stroked her hair as she looked down and sobbed, more tears streaming down her already wet cheeks. "I know it's hard right now... But you'll resume your hopes and dreams. They will be about someone else, but you'll feel that all over again. You'll find someone you will love to pieces and who will love you back. And I'll be the bridesmaid in your wedding, because I'll force you." You tried to joke a little and it worked because, even though she let out a wail, she chuckled.

"Sometimes it feels like it won't stop hurting." She whispered, finally looking into your eyes, which allowed you to see the sorrow she was feeling. "It will always hurt." Her eyes became teary again. She wasn't the kind of person who used to say things like those.

"No, it won't always hurt, Jen." You placed your hands on her shoulders and looked kindly at her. "Yes, it hurts now and probably it'll hurt for a long time, and you have the right to feel hurt; but it'll get better and it'll come a point that instead of remembering him with sadness, you'll remember him with joy; because, even after all, you had the chance to know him."

"But I didn't have the chance to show him all I felt for him. I didn't have the chance to try to make him happy as he deserved. He deserved to be happy in his life, and never got it." She looked down and held back a wail.

"He was happy. He had more troubles and sorrow than good things; but he was happy, in a different way. He was a complex guy and he knew how to enjoy the little things." You responded with a soft smile. "And yes, you didn't have the chance to show him all you felt for him in person, but he knows, you told him so that day of confessions. Wherever he is now, if life exists even after death, he knows."

"That's the problem..." She whispered, looking down. "I don't even believe there's life even after death. There's nothing." She said and you bit your lips, feeling distressed.

"Maybe there's nothing after death. I really don't know." Your voice cracked and you shrugged. "But I know he will always be alive in my heart and memory. You can keep him alive, too. Somehow, I need to believe he will always be with me. I need it. And you need it too. Because there's nothing else we can do." You looked down and tried hard to hold back the tears. You wanted to appease her sorrow, not outshine it.

"I know. But there's a difference between wanting to do it and being able to do it. And in this precise moment, I'm not able to do it. Maybe, with time, I will." She responded and you nodded.

"Yes, with time. Just remember that you've got us for whenever you need someone, Jen. I'd love to see you smiling again." You looked into her eyes and squeezed her shoulder. She looked up and smiled sadly.

"I can still smile." She whispered.

"I mean, smile for real." You answered and took her hand.

"I just… I don't understand myself. I'm fine, I laugh and I have fun; but deep down, I feel a hollow that doesn't go away even if I'm shrieking with laughter." She answered and you looked deeply into her eyes. You could relate to that feeling.

"You're heartbroken. And I know you aren't fine for real. You don't have to pretend in front of me, Jen. Don't do that, because I got you." You said gently, squeezing her hand.

"Thank you, Freckles, for understanding me and for being here." She replied with choked voice before you embraced her. "I'm so glad to have you as my friend."

"Me too, Jen." You kissed her cheek. "There's something Brian and I used to do. I'd like to do it with you." You said and she looked at you curiously when you held out your pinky finger. She giggled.

"You used to make the pinky promise?" She asked, a little more sprightly.

"Yes. It was like... Our thing. It can be yours and mine now. What do you say?" You asked and she grinned, it was faint, but it was genuine.

"I'd like that." She answered and intertwined her pinky finger with yours.

"Pinky promise that there won't be any pretending between us. We'll always be for each other, in the good and the bad, against all odds; we'll share our tears and smiles, our sorrow and happiness. Pinky promise that we will remember Brian and smile, that we will live our life happily and to the fullest." Your voice cracked when you said what Brian made you promise.

"Pinky promise." Jen whispered.

"It's a pinky promise now, so don't we dare to break it because this is like the Unbreakable Vow." You told the same joke Brian once told you and Jen laughed the same way you did that day. You felt really good when you heard her laughter.

"Freckles, thank you for sharing with me what you and Brian used to do, your thing." She said and you grinned.

"You're the best person with whom I can share this, Jen." You answered with a friendly smile.

After this and after wiping all the tears away, you returned inside the apartment and joined Mandy, Joey and Darren who were playing Trivial Pursuit and arguing because Mandy answered something wrong and she was saying she was right and the response of the game was the one that was wrong. You sat next to Darren and rested your head on his shoulder; he looked at you with a nice smile and wrapped an arm around you.

"Everything okay, baby?" He asked in a whisper and you thought about the answer.

"Yes, everything okay, Darebear." You reached his lips and pecked them. "I love you. I want you to know that I love you and I'm glad I'm able to tell you this in person." You whispered, thinking about Jen and Brian. Darren, clueless why you said that, grinned fondly and brushed your cheek with his thumb.

"I love you too, baby. So, so, so, but so much." He gave you a brief but tender kiss on the mouth. Then he looked at Mandy. "Amanda! Your response was wrong and end of this argument. Jen, welcome to the game, it's your turn!" He exclaimed joyfully and Jen smiled and joined.

You observed him and felt truly glad that you had the chance to show him all you felt for him. You hadn't realized how lucky you actually were until you talked to Jen. And as Brian wanted, you became Darren's blanket. You looked at the bracelet he gave you, that you didn't take off since the day he passed away, and kissed it with a soft smile; and you finally joined the game. You played for a long time until you heard the doorbell.

"Who is the asshole that dares to bother this late at night?" Mandy asked frowning and Joey shrugged.

"I'll check." Darren said, standing up as you all looked at him.

He opened the door, but there was no one there. You saw he crouched and grabbed something; and when he turned around, you saw he was holding a box, frowning and reading a note. Then he looked up straight to you.

"It's for you, baby." He said confused.

"Why would someone send me something to your apartment?" You asked, also confused.

"I have no idea..." He answered and sat next to you again, handing you the box.

"Okay, let's see what it is..." You received the box and felt everybody's gazes fixed on you.

You carefully opened the box and you saw a note next to an opaque mailing bag. You first grabbed the note and noticed it was typed on a computer and printed. You didn't read it out loud.

"Hello, whore."

The note started like that and only that made your heart skip a beat and feel terribly concerned and edgy. Your hands began to tremble, but you continued reading the note.

"It's been days, eh? You surely started wondering what I'd do with the wanker's body and why I wasn't giving any news. Truth is I've been thinking whether I should do what I told you I would do or not. I mean, dismembering a body is such a hard work, you know? I need to find a place where I can do it tranquilly and it's hard when you've got a damn detective to investigate you. But... I found the place, whore. Oh yeah, I did. And I'm mad, I'm so fucking mad at you, whore. This entire thing with the investigator and the lawyer, not to talk about you having a little talk to the bitch of my twin. And I came to the conclusion that I need to prove you with who you are messing. I need to prove you that this isn't a fucking game in which you can win. So I decided to send you a little present. You better appreciate it, whore. And if you continue messing with me, you'll start receiving more of these presents. Be wise, whore, and stay the fuck out of my life."

When you finished reading the note, you were freaking out, very disturbed about what that 'present' could be. Everybody was looking at you expectantly, but you didn't say a word, you actually couldn't. You left the note aside and you saw Darren grabbed it and started reading it out loud as you opened the mailing bag. When you saw what it was, you let out a loud, terrified, hysteric scream that made everybody look at you abruptly. You dropped the mailing bag and you began to shiver, cry and scream constantly, completely aghast and shocked. Darren, who still didn't see what it was, wrapped an arm around you to reassure you; but nothing could reassure you because Jim pushed the envelope this time. Darren continued rubbing your back until Jen stood up, saw what contained the mailing box, and also let out a hysteric yell.

"What the fuck is it?" Darren asked concerned now.

He grabbed the mailing box and when he saw what it was, his face went pale and he started shivering. Joey and Mandy gasped when they saw Brian's hand, white and rotten, on Darren's hands. You knew it was Brian's hand because it had the wedding ring of his dad that he used to wear ever since George passed away. Your phone buzzed and almost instinctively, you pulled it out to read the new text message, still in shock.

"You liked the little present, whore? Next time I'll send you the wanker's eyes, so that you can remember that I've got you in my sights. I know what you're doing all the time, whore. Watch out."