I have always believed that combining two or more things makes a new thing greater than the sum of its parts. I mean, take a look at me. A few circuit boards, some copper wire, several processors, and a JavaScript program aren't much on their own, but combined, they form one of the most advanced computers on the planet, if I do say so myself. But enough of my selfish bragging. My point is, every once in a while, I like to push my guests to two different breaking points simultaneously. This next Test is one such 'once in a while'.

Emerging from her anti-pod, Number 4 looked curiously at the new piece of furniture inside.

"Huh. Chalkboard. I don't like what this implies."

"Oh? What does it imply, Number 4?"

Number 4 rolled her eyes. "It implies our next Test involves thinking. Gods, are you going to ask stupid questions like this the entire time I'm in here?"

"Yes. Yes, I am."

Number 4 swore.

"Recorded."

I directed the guests to the center of their pods.

"Listen up. This Test will be a real workout for your bodies, and your minds. To win, you must decode a secret message. I will give you the multi-step encoding process, step by step. To hear each step, you must perform ten push-ups. Once you have all the steps, you must do another twenty push-ups to hear the coded message. I have given you chalk and a slate to use at your own discretion. The first guest to decode the message will win freedom from my upcoming Treatment.

"Just to be sure everyone understands, here is the proper way to do the 'push-up'. Any push-ups that do not follow this format will not be counted."

I played a video of a previous guest doing push-ups.

"Notice how her hands and feet touch the ground, but no other part of her body does. Her back and legs remain straight."

"We already know about push-ups, VAL," grumbled Number 9. "Let's get on with it!"

"Very well, Number 9. Your Test begins…now."

All at once, the six of them dropped, and counted out ten reps.

"Step one: reverse the order of the letters."

They wrote this information down before counting out another ten.

"Step two: Rotate all letters 13 places in a cyclical alphabet, thus replacing A with N, B with O, C with P, et cetera."

I think the exercise is starting to get to them. Number 8 is already breathing heavily.

"Guest assessment mode, guest Number equals 8. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, VAL."

"Your labored breathing suggests otherwise."

"Hey, VAL, do me a favor, shut up!"

"You have no idea who you are dealing with if you think for one second I can begin to shut up."

Ten more push-ups later…

"Step three: replace A with Z, B with Y, C with X, et cetera."

"Please tell me that's the last step," said Number 5. "I think I've done all I can."

"Negative, Number 5. That was just a warm-up."

Number 5 moaned.

"Recorded."

Number 3, who could typically be counted on for brute force, is starting to fall behind.

"I think all that food I ate before is starting to weigh me down," he said. "This is getting difficult."

"Perhaps this exercise will help you shed the pounds."

"Excuse me?"

"You are excused."

In spite of their exhaustion, the guests managed to pull out another ten push-ups.

"Step four: replace each letter with the matching two digit string, A becomes 01, B becomes 02, C becomes 03, et cetera."

"I knew that was coming sooner or later," mused Number 9. "It's easier to manipulate numbers than letters."

After forty reps, my guests fatigue is finally starting to affect their performance.

"I'm sorry, Number 7, but that was not ten push-ups."

"Yes it was!"

"Your knee touched the ground after six. Those last four were 'girl push-ups', and they don't count."

"Well, who said girl push-ups don't count?"

"I did, when the Test began."

Number 7 rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll do four more."

"You will do another set of ten."

"What? Why?"

"You stood up before completing ten reps. You have to start over."

"Ugh!"

"Those are the rules. You swore to play by them, remember?"

"I don't like these rules."

"When you play by the rules, you must obey all the rules, even the ones you don't like."

Number 7 shook his head. "Fifty thousand dollars. Is it worth it?"

"Why are you asking me? Only you can answer that question."

Number 7 sighed. "All right, I'll keep at it."

"Good to hear, Number 7."

While he catches up, the rest of my guests have received the next step.

"Step five: Advance each digit three places forward, cycling from 9 back to 0."

I have come to expect a great physical presence from Number 4, and she does not disappoint here.

"This is my kind of Test, VAL," she told me. "They should all be like this! Okay, that's ten, what's the next step?"

"Step six: Add one to all even digits, including zero, and subtract one from all odd digits."

As the Test continues, their energy continues…to fail them.

"Number 5, that was not ten push-ups. Please try again."

"Number 8, you came up short this time. You will have to start over."

"I'm sorry, Number 3, but you will have to begin again."

Oddly enough, Number 9 looks as if he should be slowing down. But he still puts out ten reps every cycle.

"Number 9, are you not tired?"

"Look, VAL, I can answer your stupid questions later, just tell me what the next step is."

"Your irritability suggests that you are in fact tired."

"Fascinating, VAL. Now, tell me the next step, please."

"Oh, all right. The seventh and final step is to reverse the order of the digits."

"Okay, you swear that's the last step?"

"Number 9, would I lie to you?"

"I don't know. I'm still not sure what you did with my project."

"Recorded."

After completing a total of 90 push-ups, Number 4 was the first to hear the coded message.

"The fully encoded message is 057542925495943544129425."

I left it on the monitor so she could copy it all. She started deciphering right away.

"Okay, so first I write the whole thing backwards, and then I add 3 to each one, no, wait, you minus three, then switch odds for evens. Or do you? Ugh!"

The encoding process is pretty straightforward, and its reversal equally so. I can't fathom a reason why Number 4 would have trouble with this.

Number 9 got the encoded message shortly after Number 4.

"This is easy. Reverse the digits first…"

He wrote 524921445349594529245750.

"Okay, the next step is to add one to the evens and take one from the odds…"

"Let's see, it says add 3 to each digit, so I have to subtract 3…"

By the time he got this far, all the guests had received the coded message. They started puzzling on it in silence, so I politely asked them to share what they were thinking.

"I'm thinking I should probably be really good at this," said Number 5, "but I just can't think straight right now."

"Something tells me this encoding process is needlessly complicated," said Number 8. "The resultant code is monoalphabetic. But it would be a waste of time to encode the whole alphabet, so…" Her voice trailed off as she started scribbling.

"My brothers and I do codes all the time," said Number 7, "this will be a snap."

"This is probably going to be more than I can handle," said Number 3.

At least he's being honest about it. Number 4 seems to be in denial.

"Okay, 10 is an I, 26 is Z, 04 is D, 28 is…uh…is there a 28? How did I get a 28?"

"Perhaps you made a mistake, Number 4."

Number 4 grunted.

"I thought this was 'your kind of test', Number 4."

"It was, until we got to this part."

"Recorded."

Meanwhile, Number 9 is blazing. Having converted the numbers to letters, he now has JYGVSYOUEBMR.

"Okay, A for Z, but there's not an A or Z, so B for Y, okay…"

He came out with QBTEHBLFVYNI.

"Now, the N becomes an A, the B's become O's…"

DOGRUOYSILAV.

"And the last part is to write it backwards. I've got it!"

Number 9 pressed the green button.

"Not so fast, Number 9. Before you can guess, you must drop and give me thirty."

"What?"

"You must do thirty more push-ups…"

"I heard you the first time, VAL."

Grumbling, he dropped and started pressing.

Number 7 was not kidding when he said he had experience with cryptography. He deciphered the message faster than I thought was humanly possible. He tapped the green button not long after Number 9.

"Thirty more push-ups, then you can guess."

"Are you kidding? You're just punishing me, aren't you?"

"No, Number 7. Everyone has to do this."

"Oh, man, I'm so tired; I don't think I can pull this off."

But he dropped anyway.

Number 8 has shown that she is a girl of great intellect. As I expected, she decoded my message in short order. She was not pleased when I told her about the thirty extra push-ups. In fact, she expressed her displeasure in a rather colorful manner.

"Number 8, if I was you, I would save my breath for push-ups, rather than waste it cussing me out."

Begrudgingly, she dropped and started pushing.

Numbers 3, 4, and 5 are still struggling with the decoding. I believe their exhaustion is the primary cause of their mental difficulties. Then again, the cumulative effect of Solitary may be taking its toll at this moment.

"I can't make any sense of these numbers," moaned Number 5. "You know I suck at math, VAL. Plus, I think I'm losing my mind a little bit."

"I can't think straight," Number 3 wailed. "I'm so cold, and I'm tired, and I just can't think straight. It's just…I can't think straight is all."

"Yes, Number 3, I heard you the first time."

Number 4 seems to have given up on the Test entirely. Either that or she believes glaring at the chalkboard will somehow cause the message to appear.

"Stupid brain games aren't my cup of tea. I can do more push-ups than any other guy in here; it's this stupid code thing that's holding me back."

In any case, Number 9 completed his last round of push-ups first.

"What is your guess?"

"The message is 'VAL is your god.'"

"Number 9, you are correct…"

Number 9 clapped his hands and shouted in triumph.

"…but were you the first to finish?"

"(Bleep) you, VAL, making me wait to find out if I was first. Why can't you just tell me?"

"That is not true. I can tell you the results of the Test right now."

"Okay, great. So, was I first, or what?"

"Number 9, just because I can tell you now, that doesn't mean I will."

"VAL, you (bleep bleeping bleep bleep-bleep)."

"Your Cluster F-bomb has been recorded."

Number 7 finished shortly afterward.

"The message reads 'VAL is your god.'"

"Correct."

"Yes! Finally, I get one!"

"Yes, you 'got one', but did you get it first?"

"Oh, geez, here comes the waiting game."

Number 8 finished a while later.

"'VAL is your god.'"

"Correct. But, if you didn't finish first, it won't matter if you're right or wrong."

"Well, did I finish first?"

"Please stand by."

I think it is clear that the rest of my guests are not going to finish this Test, so I will put them out of their misery.

"Attention guests. This Test is now over. We have a winner."

Number 5 threw her chalk at the wall. Number 4 knocked over the chalkboard. Number 3 just sat down and sulked.

"This is a stupid Test anyway," muttered Number 4.

While these guests taste bitter grapes, Numbers 7, 8, and 9 ferment in their anticipation.

"I'm going to be genuinely surprised if I win this thing," said Number 9.

"If I lose this thing," said Number 8, "it's going to be over those (bleeping) push-ups."

"I don't win this Test," said Number 7, "I don't think I could last much longer."

"The guest who revealed my message the fastest was…Number 9."

Number 9's reaction took me by surprise. Or should I say his non-reaction?

"Congratulations, Number 9, you've earned freedom from the Treatment to come. You should be celebrating. Why aren't you?"

"I'm still mad at you, VAL. First, you take away my project when I'm not even done with it yet, then you don't tell me I beat the Test right when it happens. I'm beginning to think you derive some sick kind of pleasure from torturing me."

"While not entirely untrue, Number 9, I think your statement misrepresents our relationship. My only joy comes from the gathering of information, specifically information on you. My methods of gathering data may seem like torture to you, but this is the only way to satiate my curiosity."

"Uh-huh." He said that with a scowl that I read as "I don't believe you, VAL."

"If you really don't want to put up with me anymore, relief is just a red button away."

Number 9 started laughing. "Wouldn't that be stupid? I just won a free pass to the next round. It would be idiotic to get out now."

"So be it. But I warn you, it will only get harder from here."

If Number 9 is excited about his freedom, he certainly has a strange way of showing it. None of my other guests have minced words about the result.

"(Bleep bleeping) exercise," said Number 8.

"(Bleep bleeping) codes," said Number 4.

"(Bleep bleeping) rules," said Number 7.

It seems the absence of parental figures, combined with the stress of Solitary, has turned my guests into regular potty mouths.

"(Bleep)," Number 5 muttered. Then she smirked. "My mother always scolded me about using words like that. I never used them in front of her 'important' friends. But I'm all alone in here, so (bleep) that (bleep). On second thought, don't (bleep) that (bleep), don't ever (bleep) that (bleep). If you (bleep) that (bleep), you will get an infection." She started laughing again.

"Having fun, Number 5?"

"(Bleep) yeah! This (bleep) is the most (bleeping) fun I've had in a (bleeping) long time. (Bleep)! (Bleep)! (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep bleep-bleep, bleep-a-bleep-bleep) and (bleep)." She laughed a rather disturbing laugh.

"Ah, the infamous seven dirty words you can't say on television. My censor should have a field day with that one."

"I have to stop. I don't want to walk out of here cussing like a (bleeping) sailor."

"Recorded."

I think we have now entered the phase of Solitary where my guests have adapted to my harsh environment. They are not the same people who they were when they first entered. Days of sleep and food deprivation have turned them into "pod people". This fetish for foul language is just another symptom of the transformation. They are finally comfortable with their pods. But my experiment is far from over, and I plan to push my guests to new and uncomfortable places. If you think these guys are insane now, wait 'till you see them after the Final Treatment!

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Coming up, the guests are already worn out from the Test…

"I can't move another muscle," said Number 3.

…but VAL doesn't care. Her Treatment will make them find their second wind…

"Huh," said Number 8. "Didn't think I had this much in me."

…if they have one, that is.

Number 7 is kneeling on the ground, weeping.

Who will shape up, and who will ship out?

Find out, when Solitary reboots.