I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update but bright side is that it's a long update and there will be one more chapter which is already half way done I found this difficult to write because I had so many ideas and I wanted it to be as good as the earlier chapters. After many re-writes and edits I finally think it's ready. I tried to put in some fluff but I found that to be very hard to write but hopefully it came out alright. Enjoy!
As the two women look at each other as they both desperately search for something to say. But how do you respond to, "Three of your friends are shot and a dozen of your co-workers are dead?"
Finally finding her voice Callie says, "Pizza."
Arizona looks back at her in surprise. "What?" Of all the things I was expecting her to say that sure as hell wasn't one of them.
"Pizza," Callie says as if she's made a decision. This is going to work. "People always tell you to eat after a tragedy," she continues while she makes her way over to the fridge.
Feeling her shoulders drop in disappointment Arizona watches Callie walk into the kitchen. She's going to try and avoid this again. I can't do that. We need to deal with what happened. "Calliope I'm not hungry." Arizona tells her hoping that Callie will turn around and actually deal with everything.
"Of course you aren't. That's why people always make you eat after a tragedy." she replies trying to joke. This will work. This is technically dealing with stuff and she had the whole donut thing with grieving so this will totally work.
But Arizona wasn't having any of it. "Calliope," she says determinedly forcing the taller woman to turn around. "You could have been one of them." she says as she glances at the phone. "You could have been shot." The blonde states finally voicing the thought that has been haunting her since the gunman entered the exam room. You could have died.
Recoiling immediately upon hearing the thought she has been avoiding in her own mind voiced aloud Callie feels that ice cold shiver crawl down her spine. "Can we not talk about this?" she replies tensely putting the pizza back in the fridge. So much for my pizza idea.
"No" the Peds Surgeon says firmly. We are going to deal with this.
"Why not." Callie asks fiercely before being drawn back to memories of the exam room. He could have easily pointed that gun at me or Arizona. The look in eyes was terrifying. Stop. Stop thinking about it!
In complete frustration Arizona shouts, "Because we need to! Because it happened! It's all around us." she says as she gestures at the apartment. "And it's affecting every thought and move we make."
Callie begrudgingly admits to herself that she's right but instead responds dismissively, "I don't want to talk about this." I can't go back to that room. I can't feel like that again because I'll break.
"I need to talk about this. There was a shooter loose in the hospital!" The words hang in the air for a moment until Arizona continues. "Our hospital, where you and I go everyday. How can we not talk about it?" she says as the fight that was suddenly in her leaves just as quickly. Please talk to me.
"Ari, I just can't." Callie tells her in a defeated tone. I'm not ready to face what happened. It was so quick that I didn't really process everything and now that I can… Fear and panic starts to overwhelm the dark haired beauty but she defiantly shoves those emotions away. No! I'm not falling apart!
Knowing that this was getting them no where Arizona changes tactics. "Alright." If she's not ready to talk then I won't push her. "Can I talk about it and you listen?" she asks with a hopeful voice.
Looking at her girlfriend Callie lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and nods her head in agreement. "Yeah, we can do that" she replies compassionately. I can be there for you. Making her way back over to the couch Callie glances at Arizona again realizing for the first time that they are both still in their scrubs. "Can we change first?" she asks before they reach the living room. I can't talk about the shooting wearing the same clothes as I did when it happened. It'll be too real.
"What?" Arizona asks confused. Is she trying to stall and avoid this again?
"It's just… the scrubs." She says while pointing to what they were wearing. "It makes me feel like we're back at the hospital and I don't wanna feel like that." she responds while avoiding Arizona's gaze. It's too similar. The flashbacks are real enough without the visual reminder.
Arizona looks down at her clothes in surprise, as if she expected to be wearing something other then the blue scrubs. Looking back up at Calliope she hears the vulnerability in her girlfriend's voice as she makes this request. This really did affect her and she needs distance from it. Until now Arizona couldn't tell how Callie was feeling about the shooting. She had just shut down and this was the first comment that gave the blonde any insight as to what Callie was feeling. "Sure, we can change first." Arizona says gently not making a big deal out of it.
Nodding Callie slowly makes her way over to the bedroom and Arizona follows. I just need sweat pants and tee-shirt. Something that makes me feel normal after all of this crap. Opening her closet she begins pulling out the items but notices that Arizona is just standing in the doorway watching her. "Don't you wanna change?" Callie asks perplexed at Ari's lack of movement.
Arizona starts to enter the room until she realizes that she doesn't have clothes here anymore. I moved out she thinks gloomily. First thing I'm doing once this whole mess is over is bringing back all of my stuff and putting it back where it belongs. At Callie's question she responds with regret in her voice. "I would, but none of my stuff is here."
Seeing the sadness in her eyes Callie's heart aches until she suddenly remembers something that brings a smile to her face. "That's not entirely accurate."
"What?" Arizona says in surprise. I know I cleaned out all my drawers and the closet. I didn't want to have comeback for anything and face her. Arizona watches with curiosity as Callie flashes her a smile that makes her weak in the knees.
"First you have to admit that you never do the laundry." Callie says playfully while she walks over to the dresser.
Momentarily confused Arizona quickly responds with a dimple smile, "Only when you admit that you never do the dishes." I've missed this banter. We used to do this all the time.
Happy that Arizona remembers their silly argument Callie continues. "Seeing me do the laundry and then cramming all your clothes in with mine doesn't count." She says as she tries not laugh.
Walking over to her girlfriend Arizona smirks at her. "I always asked first."
"Saying I only have few clothes that need cleaned and then having the washer nearly explode with soap bubbles are two totally different things." Callie replies as her eyes dance with laughter remembering that day. The look on her face was priceless!
"That only happened once!" Arizona exclaims as she playfully hits Callie on the arm. "How was I to know that they really meant it when they said don't fill beyond this line? There's always a little wiggle room." she pouts childishly.
"Sure, sure." Callie says teasingly. She is so cute when she pouts.
"What about you and those dishes?" Arizona starts with amusement. "I don't think I've ever seen you once put a dish in the washer."
"What do you mean?" Callie says acting innocent. "I put them in the sink… eventually."
"Or the trashcan." Arizona responds with a chuckle enjoying the debate.
"One time, and it's only because I couldn't tell what was stuck on it!" she manages to get out before her laugher overtakes her. I've missed being like this with her.
"You would be dishless without me," the blonde replies as joins in her girlfriend's laughter. She's beautiful when she laughs.
Callie slowly composes herself as the laughter dies down. She looks at Arizona relishing in being with her like this again. She can always make me laugh. Attempting to sound serious while wearing a huge smile Callie reaches her hand into the dresser and then turns back to Arizona. "Admit that you never do the laundry." Callie says again with amusement in her eyes.
Briefly looking at the dresser Arizona returns her gaze to Callie and takes a step forward so they are only a foot apart. Not a chance. Arizona's eyes dance with delight as she leans in close to Callie and whispers, "Never." Callie's smile becomes even brighter at that comment.
"Then how come I have these?" Callie asks pulling out a pair of pajama pants and a tee-shirt.
Arizona watches in only mild surprise as Callie pulls out her plaid pants and Army tee-shirt. She would have never started this if she wasn't going to win, the blonde thinks with a smile. "I've been looking for that shirt."
Callie hands Arizona the clothes. "After you left," she says quickly not wanting to dwell on the breakup, "I emptied the dryer and somehow clothes other then mine were in there. What are the odds, right?" the Latina finishes pretending to sound surprised at this.
Sheepishly grinning like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar Arizona takes the clothes. "Alight, how about this," she says jokingly, "I do the laundry as often as you wash the dishes?"
"Deal." Callie says with a smile as she walks back over to the closet. With their playful banter over and the silence returning between them Callie feels suddenly shy about changing in the same room with Arizona. This is ridiculous. We've been intimate more times than I can count. But we've been apart for while and now things feel different. Sighing to herself at the absurdity of being self-conscious around Arizona, Callie keeps her back to Arizona and quickly pulls off her scrubs.
Arizona watches Callie walk back across the room but she quickly turns around when Callie begins undressing. This is stupid Arizona. You've been in this room with Callie changing and making love a million times before. But despite that logic Arizona still feels awkward and gets dressed as quickly as possible. Turning around once finished she sees Callie also getting dressed at a rapid pace. Letting out a sigh she says, "This is silly."
"Huh?" Callie says turning around while tugging the tee-shirt over her head.
"This," Arizona says gesturing between them. "This awkwardness."
Immediately understanding what Arizona is referring to Callie simply says, "Yeah." But I don't know how to make it go away.
"Getting undressed around each other has never been awkward for us." Arizona says with a twinkle in her eye trying to lighten the uncomfortable air that had settled around them.
Callie smiles at her attempt to lighten the mood. "I know, but things feel different now. It feels like we're starting over or just getting to know one another again." she replies with frustration in her voice. I don't want it to be like this.
Hearing the frustration in Callie's voice Arizona knows that neither of them wants to start over. "We already know each other so we're going to skip this part." Arizona says determinately. I'm not letting this get in the way when all I want to do is to hold you.
"Really?" Callie says disbelievingly.
"Yes." Arizona responds with conviction in her voice.
"How?" Callie asks with a quizzical expression. It's not like we can just pick up where we left off, no matter how much I want to.
With a faint smile on her face, similar to the one she gave to Callie in Joe's bathroom before she kissed her, Arizona purposefully crosses the room in three strides and quickly whispers, "Like this," before capturing Callie's lips in a kiss.
Momentarily surprised Callie quickly responds to Arizona as the blonde backs her up against the wall never once breaking their kiss. In an instant they are lost in one another. Hands trailing over each other's bodies eager rediscover the feel of being together. Callie wraps one hand around Arizona's waist pulling her flush against Callie's body. Groaning at the delicious contact of feeling Arizona pressed against her, Callie breaks the kiss to catch her breath. Arizona takes advantage of this and quickly begins trailing kisses down Callie's neck, pausing to give special attention to the area by her right ear knowing that it drives Callie crazy. Hearing Callie's sharp intake of pleasure Arizona smiles against her neck. I've missed kissing her senseless.
Callie feels her heartbeat accelerate as Arizona sucks on the skin below her ear. She's going to leave a mark but I don't care. Callie grazes her hand up Arizona's back to tangle it in her blonde hair. Finally regaining some thought Callie quickly spins them around so that Arizona is now pressed against wall while Callie returns to ravishing her mouth. She feels Arizona tremble as she sucks on her bottom lip. Arizona's arms wrap around Callie's neck holding her in place as if Callie would try to go anywhere. Loving the feeling of being close together they continuing kissing until their lungs burn for air forcing them to pulling away. Resting their foreheads against each other the only sound in the apartment is their breathing as both women try to regain their breath.
Feeling safe in Arizona's arms Callie unconsciously drops her guard and her mind wonders back to the thoughts she has been suppressing all afternoon. Suddenly her mind is filled with images of Mr. Clark and the gun and everything that happened. Gun, bandages, Arizona trembling, blood, gunshot wound, exam room. Callie's mind continues to be bombarded with images of the day which she can handle until the true fear finally surfaces, the fear of what could have happened. For a moment Callie sees an image of Mr. Clark pulling the trigger on her and she tightens her grip on Arizona. Pull it together Torres.
Attempting to catch her breath after kissing Callie spur of the moment Arizona is relaxing against the Latina's body enjoy the feeling until Callie tenses and tightly clings to her. Quickly responding to the change in her girlfriend's emotions Arizona hugs her back to offer some comfort. What is she thinking about? When Callie finally relaxes Arizona slowly untangles herself from the taller women but quickly grabs her hand and interlocks their fingers. Looking into Callie's eyes she says, "It's just me and you. We're together and we're safe but we have to talk about what happened… I need to talk about what happened." I won't be able to sleep tonight if I don't and then I'll just lose my nerve and want to avoid it.
Still shaken from her terrifying thoughts Callie nods her head. "You talk, I'll listen," she says as calmly as possible remembering their earlier agreement. I don't wanna talk about this at all. I just want to pretend it never happened but if she needs to talk, I'll listen.
Sensing Callie's reluctance to talk about the shooting Arizona is grateful that her girlfriend is willing to listen. Maybe once I start talking she'll open up. It's not like her to shutdown completely… not with me. Keeping their hands intertwined Arizona begins walking over to the couch. How do I start this conversation? So much happened that I don't know where to begin.
Following Arizona out into the living room Callie tries to mentally prepare herself for this conversation. I just have to listen. No talking and if all possible no flashbacks. Stay strong and don't fall apart.
The living room is filled with golden sunlight as the sun slowly sets behind the Seattle skyline. Sitting down on the couch Arizona looks out the window briefly at the beautiful sunset breaking through the normally constant clouds. "A day like to today doesn't deserve a sunset like this."
Callie follows Arizona's gaze out the window before replying. "You're right. It's like Mother Nature is trying to pretend things at the hospital didn't happen… that may not be such a bad idea." Callie finishes as an afterthought.
"But they did happen." Arizona says solemnly turning her gaze back to Callie.
"I know." Callie responds slowly keeping her attention on the sunset.
Arizona studies her girlfriend as the sunlight falls on her olive her skin. God she's beautiful. Knowing that Callie isn't going to say anything more Arizona again tries to figure out how to start the conversation that is looming ahead of them. Do I just jump right in or ease our way into this? Caught between indecision all that comes out is, "So…" Mentally slapping herself on the forehead Arizona sees Callie turn away from the sunset and back to her.
"Yep, so…" Callie responds with a faint smile.
"I don't what to say." Arizona admits. "There's so much going through my head that I don't know where to start."
"Start anywhere. Beginning, middle, end and we'll go from there." Callie tells her.
The blonde pauses for a moment before responding. "I'm supposed to be a good man in a storm." Arizona says quietly, almost as if talking to herself, "and protect the things I love."
"You do." Callie confirms.
"No I don't." Arizona says quickly with a hint of anger as she looks down at the floor. I freaked out and panicked. "I'm supposed to but didn't. I just… froze." Unsure of how to respond Callie waits for Arizona to continue. "My dad will be disappointed… so will yours." she finishes while refusing to meet Callie's eyes.
Surprised at what her girlfriend is saying Callie swiftly responds. Why is she being so hard in herself? "Your dad will not be disappointed. You're alive and safe and that's all he'll care about and my dad…" Wait, what does my dad have to do with anything? "Why does is matter what my dad thinks?" Callie asks.
Arizona takes her eyes off the floor and looks out the window instead of at Callie as she answers. "I told him I protect the things I love. I love you but I didn't protect you." Arizona says clearly upset with herself.
"First of all my dad will only care about the fact that we're both safe." Callie says forcefully wanting Arizona to know that there was no questioning that fact but curiosity gets the better of Callie and she asks her girlfriend, "When did you tell him this?"
Despite being upset with herself Arizona can't help but feel a little embarrassed as she answers. I forgot that she didn't know about this. I'm surprised her dad didn't tell her. "The last time he was here." Knowing that Callie was waiting for a better answer Arizona rushes to get the rest out so that her embarrassment is short lived. "When I found you crying in the on call room after you had tried to talking to him and the priest I went to find him. I knew that things were getting worse between you two and wanted to help. So I found him and gave him this speech about how my dad reacted to me being gay and that I was good man in a storm and I protect the things I love and that I love you." That was the most uncomfortable conversation ever seeing as how he said nothing, but at least I didn't cry. Still looking out the window Arizona continues with disappointment in her voice, "I gave him this great speech about protecting you and then when the storm comes I didn't do a thing to save you."
Callie can only listen in awe as Arizona tells her about the conversation. She hates confronting authority figures. I can't believe she did that for me. Suddenly another thought comes to mind, "That was before your birthday?" Callie asks even though she knows the answer.
Caught off guard by that question Arizona almost turns to face Callie but she doesn't want to see the disappointment on her face. I failed you. "Yeah, it was before my birthday."
Callie's lips quickly form into smile that Arizona would see if she would look at her girlfriend. She fought for me before we said I love you. Happiness quickly floods Callie but not wanting to speak until Arizona looks at her Callie moves her hand to Arizona cheek slowly turning the blondes head. "Hey, look at me" Callie says softly as Arizona still tries to avoid eye contact even though she turned her head at Callie's silence request. Finally making eye contact Callie continues "You stood up to my dad," she states. "You, who hates confrontation with authority figures, stood up to my dad who is about as authoritarian as you can get," she says with a smile.
Arizona looks at Callie while she speaks relieved to see that the brunette is not disappointed in her but confused as to why she is smiling. "Yes?" Arizona says genuinely confused. Why does any of this matter and why does she look so happy?
"You did that before your birthday." Callie says again hoping that Arizona will put the dots together but at the adorable confused expression on Arizona's face Callie continues. "You told my dad that you loved me, before you told me." she finishes.
"Oh. Well, yeah I guess I did." Arizona replies a little taken back. I never really thought about that before. Is she ok with that? In rush to clear the air just in case Callie was upset about that Arizona starts quickly speaking. "I didn't mean it. Well, I mean of course I meant what I said but I didn't mean to tell him first. It's just that he wasn't hearing me and I knew how important working things out with him was to you even though you were pretending it wasn't. So I was trying to make him understand and it just sorta slipped out." She finishes in one breath.
"Thank you." Callie tells her as she leans in to give the Peds Surgeon a brief but heartfelt kiss.
Not expecting that reaction Arizona dumbly responds, "Your welcome?" as she pulls back from the kiss.
A small chuckle slips from Callie's lips. "Ari, that conversation made all the difference." It all makes so much more sense. "When I was leaving the hospital that night my dad was waiting for me. I had already given up but he was persistence so I let him talk." Smiling at the confused women in front of her Callie continues. "But instead of hearing him tell me that I was going to hell he just asked questions. He wanted to understand and the amazing thing was at the end he was alright with it. I finally had my dad back. You gave me that because nothing else could have made him change his mind."
"I'm glad that it helped but that doesn't change the fact that when it really mattered I wasn't there for you." Arizona responds.
"Is that what you think?" Callie asks with mild surprise.
"It's what I know. It's the truth." Taking a deep breath Arizona looks down at her hands while she speaks in a small voice. "When he came into that room with a gun… I didn't do anything. I just freaked out." Note to self panic attacks are not fun.
"Didn't do anything? Arizona you were the first one to respond." Callie tells her as she leans closer getting Arizona to meet her eyes. "I was the one who froze. You immediately told him it was a children's floor without even pausing for a second while I just sat there." I felt my heart stop in my chest when I saw him.
"So I told him it was kids floor and then what did I do?" she says testily not waiting for Callie to answer. "I cowered like a baby over Ruby. That's real helpful." she sarcastically. I always thought I'd be braver in a situation like that.
"It was." Callie states at which Arizona rolls her eyes and leans back. She is so stubborn sometimes! "Someone had to take care of Ruby. Your instinct was to protect a child. That's what a good man in a storm would do." Callie says with frustration.
"It's not the same thing." Arizona begins to protest. I can barely protect a child, no wonder I did nothing when your life was on the line. However, Callie is having none of it.
"Why not?" she interrupts sharply. "Why doesn't that count." Callie says in aggravation.
"Because she wasn't holding a gun!" Arizona yells as she finally breaks down. Callie immediately pulls back in surprise at Arizona's sudden outburst. Quickly standing up while trembling with the release of emotions she has been holding in all afternoon Arizona begins rapidly talking. "I saw you face. Pure terror. Then I saw him."
She pauses for a moment as memories from the exam room fill her mind. Pacing from the sudden adrenaline rush Arizona keeps speaking. "I saw that gun in his hand and then I just froze. My mind went blank. I couldn't do anything but sit there like an idiot muttering to myself." Arizona says with self loathing. I couldn't protect you.
Callie remains on the couch as she watches her girlfriend pace and rant, unsure of how to help while at the same time trying to keep her emotions in check. It won't do any good if you breakdown Torres. Keep it together and try not to think about what happened. Despite her best attempts, Arizona's speech gets specific enough that Callie can't stop a few stray memories from coming to mind. I never saw Ari look that helpless. I never felt that afraid.
"But not you. You got up and just walked right over to him." Arizona says accusingly. "You spoke to him and helped him and told him to leave. I just sat there while you walked over to murderer who was still holding a loaded gun!" Arizona feels her control hanging by a thread as she stops pacing and turns to look at Callie. "What were you thinking? He could have shot you! You could have been killed! " Arizona shouts as her control snaps and the tears she has been fighting off all afternoon finally overtake her. I could have lost you. The sobs rack Arizona's body as she starts to crumble to the floor finally feeling all of the day's effects.
Callie just sits there with wide eyes as Arizona unleashes her feelings. What do I do? Callie's surprise increases even more as Arizona yells at her before being overcome with tears. Watching her normally tough as nails girlfriend crumble before her Callie quickly moves from the couch and immediately pulls Arizona into a hug as they both drop to the floor. Oh sweetie. Callie eases their decent to carpet while trying helplessly to comfort Arizona. "It's ok." She whispers while hugging Arizona tightly as if the only thing holding her together was Callie's arms.
"No… it's… not." Arizona manages to get out in between tears and heaving sobs that cause her whole body to shake. "He could of… you could be dead… I could have watched you die." Feeling a new wave of tears overtake her, Arizona clings tighter to Callie making sure that she is real.
"I'm alight." Callie says as her own tears threaten to fall. How can I help you? "I'm alive, I'm safe and so are you." she finishes as her voice crakes with emotion. Kissing the top of Arizona's head Callie slowly runs her hands up and down the Arizona's back trying to sooth her girlfriend.
Finally starting to calm down Arizona snuggles deeper into Callie arms. "I didn't protect you. I always thought that I would protect the person I love but I couldn't anything. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe… I couldn't protect you, much less myself." Holding tight to Callie, Arizona finally feels her tears start to dry up. I hate crying.
Keeping Arizona in her arms Callie pulls back and brushes blonde hair out of her girlfriends face. Looking into the tear streaked face of the most amazing person she has ever know she leans in and kisses her forehead. "You don't always have to protect me. We're in this together remember?"
Arizona relaxes into Callie's embrace as her trembling finally stops. "I know, but-"
"Ari." Callie says looking meaningfully into her girlfriend eyes, "I love you too remember? I may not have given an impressive speech," she pauses happy to see that the comment caused a faint smile, "but I protect the things I love too. And I love you more then I knew was possible. So protecting you was a natural reaction."
"Why wasn't it like that for me?" Arizona questions with frustration. "How could you be so calm and brave and risk your life for me, even after everything I had said to you?" We had just had that stupid fight and her first reaction was still to save me. "I love you and I wanted to help you but I couldn't." Arizona says dropping her gaze from Callie's face.
"But you did help me." Why doesn't she get this? "You gave me enough time to come out of shock. You keep Ruby quiet while he was there." Seeing her girlfriend about to argue Callie quickly continues. "What do you think would have happened if Ruby freaked out? That guy was so unstable that anything would have set him off." Don't think of that look in his eyes. "What you did protected all of us."
"Maybe, but I wasn't standing between you and a gun." Arizona says while she pulls out Callie's arms to sit up and study her girlfriend.
Callie feels her blood run cold as Arizona says that. Don't go there. "I did what I had to do." she responds hoping to steer the conversation away from that topic.
"How?" Arizona asks. At Callie's confused expression Arizona elaborates. "How were you able to stay calm and deal with him?" I always knew you were badass but that was amazing.
"Don't know. Just a gut reaction, I guess." Callie says dismissively as she stands up and offers her hand to help Arizona up as well. Arizona looks at her in mild surprise as Callie gets up suddenly gets up but she takes her hand and stands up as well. Looking at her girlfriend Callie knows that Arizona is wondering why she abruptly ended their conversation. Change the topic fast or she's going make you talk and then you're going to fall apart and you just got her calmed down. "So… do you want pizza now?" she asks with a smile.
Arizona knows Callie is avoiding the question but she still can't help but smile that dimple smile before answering. "Sure." I'm not going to push. Walking toward the kitchen Arizona sees her reflection in the wall mirror. I look awful. Rapidly feeling the effects of her emotional breakdown Arizona feels exhausted and grimy. I need to clean up. I don't want any more reminders of this day. Stopping before reaching the kitchen Arizona says, "As weird as this may sound I want to take a shower first. I just need to wash off this day."
"Ok." Callie responds. This is good. I'll have some time to pull myself together. "I'm going to clean up a bit because this place really does look like a dump." She tells her while looking around the apartment. "The pizza will be nice and toasty by the time you're finished." Callie says smiling at Arizona. And I'll be done having an internal freak out.
"Alright." The blonde replies a little confused. I thought she'd want to join me? Arizona, get your mind out of the gutter. It's been a long day and she's probably not in the mood. Still puzzled by Callie's behavior Arizona makes her way over to the bathroom leaving Callie in the kitchen.
I know it's an abrupt ending but that's because the chapter got so long that I broke it in half. Please review and let me know what you think. I promise I wont take as long to post the final chapter. Thanks to all who have reviewed!