So I have given up on predicting how many chapters are left in this story. I just keep getting ideas and they demand to be written. Hopefully, you're enjoying reading it as much as I am enjoying writing. Please review and let me know what you think.
The Aftermath - Callie
Callie watches Arizona walk away until she disappears into the bedroom. Breathing a sigh of relief Callie drops her façade and tries to pull herself together. Busying herself with cleaning she finally allows her brain to process everything that was just said and all the emotions and memories it released.
Taking a deep breath she picks up some trash from the kitchen counter and attempts to calm down but a faint tremble is noticeable in her hands. Just keep it together Torres. Everything is fine now. However, her hands continue to shake and in pure frustration she throws the garbage she was holding across the room. "Stop freaking out!" she yells at herself while feeling her heartbeat increase from all the emotions she is trying to control. Sucking in a deep unsteady breath Callie again tries to get a hold of herself. This isn't working.
Glancing back over to the bedroom door where Arizona had disappeared, Callie makes sure that she has not come back out at her earlier outburst. Thankfully the doorframe remains empty. She takes long showers. I should have at least 20 minutes. Maybe a small freak out would help. Looking around the now dimly lit apartment Callie walks over to the window and sees the glow of the city lights. The sunset has long since passed and night is falling on Seattle. A few more hours and this day will be no more. Sitting down on the couch facing the window, Callie pulls her feet up onto the seat and wraps her arms around her legs forming a ball like position. Staring out at the city her eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. She attempts to stop them from falling but that only results in her trembling from the effort.
In the silence of the apartment she is left with nothing but her own terrifying thoughts. When he walked in that room I felt my heart stop. There's not supposed to be shooter loose in the hospital. I couldn't even process what was happening until Ari spoke. Then I had to do something. Pulling her arms tighter around her legs in hopes of stopping the trembling Callie relives the memory while a few stray tears silently slide down her cheek. I had to get him to leave. It's like time slowed down and sped up all at once. I just knew that I needed to be between his gun and Ari. How did I even form a sentence to talk to him? My heart was racing so fast and I could barely stand from the fear. I was afraid to breathe and I didn't know where to look. My eyes were drawn to the gun but I made sure to look at his face.
Callie's heart begins furiously racing just like it did when she was in that exam room. Ari was trembling in fear. I could hear her every word and breath and it scared me. I couldn't go to her; I couldn't even look at her. I had to be strong. But when I told him to leave… Callie can't stop the violent shudder that overtakes her body. She squeezes her eyes shut in the hopes of banishing the thought but this has the opposite effect because once her eyes close all she sees is the face of Mr. Clark. I knew he was going to kill me. When I looked up into his eyes there was nothing human about him. I was going to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Seeing his cold eyes again and reliving that moment finally causes Callie to break as heaving sobs over take the Latina's body and she tries in vain to make them stop. That effort only causes her trembling to turn into shaking and her already accelerated heart beat begins pounding loudly in her ears.
Curled up on the couch illuminated by the glow of the city, Callie's imagination runs wild as she has visions of scenarios that could have happened. She sees herself getting shot and watching Mr. Clark pull the trigger. He could have shot Ari through the chest without a second thought. Before she can stop it Callie sees Ari getting shot as if it really happened. The surprise on the perky blonde's face as the bullet goes through her and then the blood that begins to rapidly flow from the wound in her chest. At that thought a strangled cry rips itself from Callie's throat as she clings tighter to herself falling deeper into her own nightmares. It's in this pure state of terror and emotional surrender that Arizona finds her.
Walking through the bedroom to the bathroom Arizona is still confused by Callie's behavior. I thought she'd want us to comfort one another after that talk. Arizona enters the bathroom and groans when she sees her reflection up close in the mirror. "Well don't I look awesome." she says sarcastically to herself with an eye roll.
Turning on the faucet she splashes cold water on her face, washing away the tear streaks. Drying her face with the hand towel she looks back into the mirror pleased to see that she resembles a human again. "A human with terrible hair but it's a start." Turning away from the sink she begins gathering things for her shower. Maybe Calliope thought I meant sex with shower comment? Not that I'm opposed to that but I just want to be close to her again. Sighing she pulls open the shower door making sure that there's shampoo and soap. Slightly closing it Arizona turns to grab a towel only to discover that none are on the rack. Of course not. Opening the doors under the sink she again finds no towels. Calliope must be doing the laundry she thinks with a grin.
Walking back out into the bedroom Arizona stops to take in the sight of everything she had been missing. Calliope's unmade bed with the blue sheets thrown hastily onto one side of the queen bed. Moving her gaze to the night stand she sees the alarm clock skewed on top of it. She always beats the crap out of that thing in the morning. Looking across the room Arizona sees that night has fallen onto the city creating a beautiful warm glow of light from the street lamps. I remember curling up in bed with her and just staring out the window at those lights. Smiling at the memory and the joy of being back together with her amazing girlfriend Arizona makes her way back out to the living room. Maybe I can get her to join me this time. After everything I just want to hold her and know we're alright.
Stepping into the dimly lit room Arizona's eyes go to the kitchen expecting to find Callie cleaning. Instead she hears a heart wrenching sob come from the other side of the apartment. Quickly turning her head in that direction, Arizona's heart breaks as she sees her beautiful girlfriend curled up on the couch shaking and crying uncontrollably.
Racing over to the couch Arizona immediately wraps her arms around Callie and pulls her close. "Calliope what's wrong?" she asks with panic in her voice. What brought this on? She was fine a few minutes ago.
Feeling Arizona pull her close only causes Callie's crying to intensify. I don't want her to see me like this. In futile attempt she tries to stop the onslaught of images that are racing through her mind but once the floodgates opened she can't control them anymore. Stop thinking! Stop seeing her die. It didn't happen! Trying desperately to get a handle on her emotions Callie pulls away from Arizona's embrace; a reaction that the blonde was not expecting.
Surprise is written across Arizona's features as she feels Callie pull away from her. "Calliope?" she asks softly while still loosely holding her crying girlfriend.
Not even acknowledging Arizona, Callie begins taking deep shaky breaths. Just breathe. Calm down. You're fine. Stop being a baby! Callie puts more distance between her and Arizona completely breaking their embrace while she quickly wipes away the tears on her cheeks. If she touches me I'll fall to pieces again and I need to be strong. Looking anywhere but at her girlfriend Callie concentrates on slowing her heart down and stopping the stray tears that keep rolling down her face.
"Calliope, please talk to me." Arizona all but begs in a pleading voice. Why won't she let me hold her?
Uncurling from her ball position Callie places her feet on the floor and grips the couch tightly with both hands. Be strong. She wasn't supposed to see me like this. Taking another shaky breath she finally turns to Arizona. "Nothing." You really think she's really going to believe that Torres? Arizona just stares back at her waiting for a real explanation.
"I just needed… a good cry, you know? Just to decompress." Callie says in choppy sentences trying to catch her breath from the heavy crying.
Arizona sits there in disbelief. Looking at Callie's blood shot eyes and white knuckles that are gripping the couch it doesn't take a genius to figure out that's not the reason. "I'm supposed to believe that?" Arizona asks with her eyebrow rising. She wont talk to me, she wont open up and now she's lying to me? I know I said I wouldn't push but I'm out of options. "Don't lie to me." Arizona says firmly.
"I'm not lying. It was a tough day." Understatement of the year. "I needed to decompress." Callie responds in a staccato voice, avoiding eye contact. That's it. Just buy some time to get a hold of yourself.
"You're not lying? You just needed a good cry?" the blonde repeats clearly not believing a word she's saying. This is so frustrating! Why wont you talk to me? "If that's the case then why are you shaking?" Arizona says accusatorily as she reaches for Callie's trembling hand.
Seeing Arizona move to touch her Callie quickly pulls away. She can't touch me. I'm barely keeping it together. Stupid shaking, just calm down.
"And why won't you let me touch you?" The hurt is obvious in her voice. "Are you mad at me? Did I do something?" Arizona asks hopelessly. I can't figure you out.
Callie is quick to respond hating the thought of hurting Arizona in anyway. "What? No, that's not it. I'm sorry." Looking back over at Arizona Callie takes another deep breath to try and stop her body from trembling "I just need some space." Dropping her head Callie briefly closes her eyes. Mistake! She snaps them open again to remove the image of Mr. Clark's cold gaze but her heart rate has already accelerated again.
Unaware of the internal struggle Callie is going through Arizona sits frozen at the words "need some space." Nothing good ever comes from that statement. Turning away from Callie her heart plummets into her stomach. She looks out the window before she speaks in a broken tone, afraid of what Callie will say back. "You need some space… As in, you need space from me?" This is can't be happening. We just got back together. Bracing herself for the answer she's dreading Arizona squeezes her eyes shut not seeing Callie's head quickly snap up to look at her.
Still trying to banish any thoughts of the exam room from her mind Callie momentarily forgets her fears at Arizona's words. "What?" the brunette says with a gasp as her eyes widen in surprise. Looking at Arizona she sees her tense posture as if bracing for bad news. She thinks I want space from her? We finally just got back together. Wanting to assure her girlfriend but knowing that she's not calm enough to hug her without falling apart Callie moves slightly closer and gently speaks, "Ari, that is not what I meant at all. Well, not in the sense you're thinking of." Seeing Arizona open her eyes but remain tensed up Callie continues. "I meant I need space literally," she says while gesturing to the foot of distance separating the two women on the couch.
Daring to look Callie in the eyes Arizona sees the truth of her statement and lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. Stupid. When are you going to stop doubting her feeling for you? "Oh." she responds unable to think of anything else. Looking carefully at her girlfriend Arizona sees how hard Callie is trying to keep her self from falling apart. But why is that? "Why do you need physical space from me?" she asks genuinely confused.
Callie pauses for a moment before answering. Just tell her the truth. Lying isn't going to make things better. Tightening her grip on the couch cushion Callie replies, "Because if you… if you touch me I'm going to fall apart." I need to be strong.
"Why is the bad thing?" Arizona asks. Not expecting that question Callie tries to figure out how to respond. Her mouth opens and closes but no words come out as she is unable to verbalize why she needs to stay strong. Watching Callie struggle for an answer Arizona moves closer and rests her hand on Callie's which still has a death grip on the couch. "It's ok." She whispers softly releasing Callie's hold on the couch and interlacing their fingers. "You can talk to me."
Looking down at their hands Callie feels her resolve to start crumble. "I know I can." she responds quietly. Maybe talking to her will help? Slowly unclenching her other hand Callie looks at Arizona. But I need to be strong for you.
Sitting there in the stillness of the dimly lit apartment Arizona feels like she is getting closer to having Callie tell her what's wrong. She never does make it easy. "Please, tell me what has you so upset?" she asks moving closer until their arms are touching.
Feeling Arizona against her, Callie's hold on her emotions immediately begins to falter as her eyes fill with tears. If I talk I'm going to break. But she wants to know what's wrong. "It's just, everything from the hospital." Callie mutters as Arizona moves even closer and gently squeezes her hand as she feels it tremble slightly. I can't do this. It's too much.
Attempting to pull away Arizona tightens her grip. "Please talk to me." she pleads. Don't shut me out.
Not wanting to hurt Arizona's feelings again by breaking their embrace Callie squeezes her eyes shut to try and get control. "Take them. Take them… and go." Mr. Clark's cold eyes snapped up at her with no trace of humanity in them. Callie's eyes instantly open as a violent shudder goes through her body. I can't do this. Quickly pulling away from Arizona, Callie tries to stands up but Arizona keeps a hold of her hand not letting her leave the couch. Deep breaths. Just don't think about it.
"Calliope." Arizona says forcefully. I don't want to push but it's the only way.
"I can't" she forces out in a broken voice shaking from the unwanted memory.
Callie again tries to get distance from Arizona but the blonde wont let her run away. "Just talk to me."
Unable to get away from her emotions with Arizona forcing her to face them Callie finally breaks. "What do you want me to say Arizona!" she yells finally succeeding in removing her hand from Arizona's. "That I thought I was going to die today! That every time I close my eyes I see him and I'm right back in the exam room!" She exclaims, finally admitting her fears as her voice breaks and tears begin rapidly falling.
Turning to look at Arizona she continues with narrowing eyes, "Do you want to hear about how my heart stopped in my chest when I though he was going to shoot me?" I was terrified. Callie's control breaks further as her tears come faster and her breathing gets uneven. "Do you… do you want to know that just mention of that… exam room causes me to have flashbacks and relive those moments?" she says fiercely as sobs start to overwhelm her.
Arizona swallows a lump in her throat and feels her heart break as she watches Callie finally cope with what happened. Why didn't you tell me? Wanting to comfort her Arizona reaches out for Callie but the she pulls back determined to say everything on her mind.
Struggling to form sentences through her tears Callie forces herself to keep going. "Do you…" she pauses to suck in a breath, "want to know that…when I close my eyes…" another shudder goes through her, "I see you die and…" but she can't continue. The image of Arizona covered in her own blood forces the breath from Callie's lungs as her cries overtake her.
Unable to stop herself Arizona pulls Callie into hug and thankfully for once the brunette doesn't fight her but instead clings to her wanting to feel Arizona alive and safe. Callie's body shudders against hers while Arizona runs her hands up and down her girlfriend's back and gently kisses her head. "It's ok." She whispers into her hair as she feels Callie's tears soak through her shirt. I had no idea it was this bad for you.
Finally voicing her fears Callie has no desire to pull away from Arizona and instead she lets Arizona hold her while she falls to pieces. Burying her head in Arizona's shoulder she falls deeper into her embrace. Holding her tightly to make sure that she is real and none of her nightmares are true. Vaguely aware of Arizona speaking to her Callie finally starts to feel her body calm down as the trembling begins to lessen. Her heart is still racing but it doesn't pound loudly in her ears anymore. Staying in Arizona arms Callie lifts her head to look at her girlfriend. Stray tears still roll down her cheeks but looking into the concerned eyes of Arizona she knows the worst has passed. "Thank you." Callie says in a horse voice.
Breathing a sigh of relief that Callie isn't mad at her for pressing the issue Arizona gently moves some hair out of Callie's eyes and uses her thumb to brush away the tears. "That's what I'm here for," she responds softly. "Do you feel any better?"
"Not right this second but I will." Callie says taking in a few deep breaths to calm down. I guess I did need to talk about. "I didn't mean to yell at you" she tells Arizona.
"I know. You just needed to get it out." she replies placing another kiss on Callie's forehead. She went through so much more than I thought. Arizona continues to hold Callie and gently rocks them back and forth until the tears finally stop.
Content on just being together the two women say nothing as they take comfort in each other's presence. Arizona places another kiss in Callie's hair. She's so much stronger then I ever knew. I just wish I didn't have to force that out her. Opening her mouth to ask a question she quickly closes it again. Now is not the time. Just leave it alone.
"Just ask." Callie says softly breaking the silence but not moving from the comfort of Arizona's arms.
"Ask what?" Arizona responds. How does she know I want to ask her something? She can't even see my face.
"Whatever it is that has you doing an impersonation of a goldfish." she replies with a smile in her voice. Still not willing to move from the safety of Arizona's arms Callie continues knowing that her girlfriend is wearing that adorably confused expression. "I can feel your chin moving. It's ok, just ask me." Callie reassures her.
Smiling at how well Callie knows her Arizona snuggles deeper into her before she speaks. "I don't want to over talk this but so much happened today. I guess I just want to clear the air all at once and then not have to dwell on it." I just want to put this behind us.
Sitting up to look her girlfriend in the eyes Callie smiles briefly, "Was there a question in there?" She needs closure and so do I.
A small chuckle escapes Arizona's lips as she looks at the beautiful woman in front of her. Her eyes are still slightly bloodshot and she looks exhausted but there's that twinkle in her eyes that makes Arizona's heart flutter. What did I do to deserve her? "I guess not." Arizona says sheepishly looking down at their intertwined hands. Breathing out a sigh she says, "I just don't want to ask the wrong question and open up Pandora's Box again. I think we've both fulfilled our crying quoting for the year."
Smiling as Arizona looks back up her Callie tilts her head. "Just for the year? Damn, I was sure that I got credited for the next two years easy."
"Calliope," Arizona says with laughter.
"I'm just saying that like two gallons of tears should at least carry me through more then one year's quota." Enjoying making Arizona laugh and being silly again Callie grins as she continues. "And the shaking has to add another year so I think we're good for three years." She finishes with a chuckle. God it feels good to joke around again.
"Alright I stand corrected." she replies with her dimples in full swing. "We're set for the next three years. No crying for us."
"So I guess that means that you aren't allowed to watch The Notebook until 2013?" Callie replies teasingly.
Playfully swatting her girlfriend's arm Arizona laughs, "That kind of crying doesn't count."
"Alright, we'll keep the movie crying." Slowly letting the playfulness slide away Callie tucks some of Arizona's hair behind her ear and lets her hand graze the blonde's cheek. "It's just me and you, there are no wrong questions. What do you want to know?"
Taking a moment to look at Callie and see the compassion in her eyes Arizona asks the question that has been bugging her since they reached the apartment. "Why didn't you want to talk me about it? You just bottled everything up and wouldn't let me help you. Don't you know that you can trust me with whatever you go through?" She can't help the slight hurt in her voice. Don't you know you can trust me with anything?
Keeping her tone gentle Callie responds. "Of course I know that. But that's not what it was about it." Letting out a sigh she glances out the window at the city lights. "I needed to be strong for you." she says determinedly.
"But you were. You saved us, when he came into the…" Arizona lets the statement hang unfinished. I don't want to bring up the exam room and upset her again.
Knowing what Arizona was about to say Callie turns away from the window and back to Arizona. "I know but…" Pausing to figure out how to word everything she's thinking it ends up coming out in a rush. "Look, when he there and we were in danger it was instinct alright. I don't know how I managed to do any of it. I barely remember what I said to him but I remember everything else. How I felt, what I saw and what I heard." She drops her gaze from Arizona's face as she continues. "I couldn't look at you. I knew I would lose it. But I heard everything. You were so scared Ari." Her voice breaks as she continues. "I had to be strong because you needed me to."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put that pressure on you." Arizona says softly. "I should have done more and –" but Callie places a finger on her lips to silence her.
"I'm not blaming you. We covered this already remember?" she says with a half smile. "I know you're strong, you're a good man in a storm." Removing her finger once she was sure Arizona would let her continue Callie sits up straighter and takes a deep breath. "But try to understand. You've always been the strong one in our relationship." Callie says seriously.
Arizona's eyes widen with surprise. "What?"
Rubbing her hands on her thighs in a nervous gesture Callie quickly begins listing off examples. "It's true. You kissed me remember. You consoled me when George died. You comforted me when my family disowned me and then you stood up to my dad to fix it."
Taken aback at this turn of events Arizona quickly cuts in. "You're strong for me too. When Wallace died you were there for me."
Shaking her head with a humorless laugh Callie interjects. "I threw you a surprise party and made you run out of the apartment crying." Not my finest moment.
Alright fair point but you were still there for me. Trying to make Callie understand Arizona continues, "But you made up for it that night. When I came home you were waiting for me and–" Callie again cuts in with a pointed look.
"And you said I love you." Not me. You were the one to say it first. "You've always been the strong one and I love that about you but Ari…" Callie says with pleading eyes hoping to make Arizona understand. "This was my turn. I needed to be strong for you not the other way around. I didn't want you to take care of me. I wanted you to know that I can be there for you too." To show that you can trust me she thinks to herself remembering Arizona's accusations from the hospital. "I don't trust you, why would I?" Pushing away the thought Callie looks down at the carpet. Very quietly, so that Arizona has to strain to hear it, Callie says dejectedly, "I wanted to prove that you could trust me."
I know it's kind of a cliff hanger but I really felt that these two needed to talk about that fight. If you're really nice and tell me what you think of the story I think my muse will inspire some fluff in the next chapter. Which I really do think will be the final one but who knows. Thanks for reading!