Chapter 4: "Pinafores and Jackbombs"

"Before we leave Gnome Village, Alice, let's have a look inside the seamstress' house. She may have some of your old dresses still lying around. If we're really lucky, maybe one of your old dresses may have one or two of your old weapons still in the sealed pockets."

I trudged along behind Cheshire, and in a minute, we were there. I got down on hands and knees and crawled in the front door. I don't think that any of the Gnome Houses had locks on the front doors. Bathrooms and bedrooms usually did have a latch, though. Inside the seamstress' work room, I saw three of my old dresses hanging on a single hook. I rapidly ran through the pockets and found two of my old weapons: my jackbomb and my jacks. No eyestaff. That was a disappointment, but not a surprise. I suspected the Gnomes had it somewhere in Wonderland for self-defense. Cheshire suggested that I trade my current blouse and skirt for one of my old dark blue pinafores.

I looked at my old pinafores and felt a chill of recognition. The old uniform of the Warrior Princess of Wonderland, as I was seen. I felt that I could never measure up to my old reputation. When I put on one of the pinafore dresses, I also realized that I did not even come close to measuring up to my old measurements. The pinafore was so large on me that I seemed to be swimming in it. I pulled on all the old material in shock at all the extra space.

"Cheshire, was I fat?"

Cheshire rolled over on his back laughing. "No! You weren't fat! You just weren't the pitifully scrawny stick that I now see before me. You had muscles on your arms and legs. You had a very cute babyface. You had a high, prominent bust, full rounded hips, and a plump backside. You had some heft in the thighs, too. You looked healthy and fit.

"You're being nice, aren't you?"

"Okay, you did round out a bit during your time here. You looked lovely, though. I miss the old babyface."

I pulled on all the extra material in the dress. "You want me to wear this dress so that I can expand without splitting my clothes, don't you?"

"You read me like a book. I want the old Alice back. You were quite a beauty. This skinny stick look does not suit you at all."

"You're going to nag me to eat until I fill all the empty space in this dress, aren't you?"

"Yup."

"Has anyone ever told you that you look pretty scrawny yourself?"

"Yup, you. I'm scrawny because my only food source in Wonderland is the snarks. I'm a carnivore. Wonderland is not kindly to carnivores. I haven't been able to bring myself to start raiding the chicken coops. The Gnomes depend on the chickens for eggs. The chickens are too valuable to eat."

I pulled on the dress again. Cheshire rolled his eyes at me.

"I was fat."

"No, you weren't."

"Yes, I was. Look at how big the waist is in this dress."

Cheshire turned and sauntered out the door with the obvious expectation for me to follow. I patted the jackbomb, jacks, and boob shrooms in my sealed pinafore pockets to make sure they were there. I strapped on my Blade holster with the Vorpal Blade in it and crawled out the front door. I felt ridiculous in such an oversized dress.

I ran to catch up with Cheshire who was leading me to a tunnel that he said led to Wonderland Woods.

"This tunnel sure beats your old route," said Cheshire. "I do believe that the Gnome Elder took you to the Skool to get shrinking potion. You went to the Skool Observatory to drink the potion and jump through a portal to the Vale of Tears. You rode a leaf on a stream through most of the Vale of Tears, fought the Duchess, dived into a cistern and breathed ass bubbles from the Mock Turtle while you swam through an underwater temple, and finally popped up in a frog pond in Wonderland Woods. Then the Mock Turtle made you an honorary reptile so you could breathe longer underwater. After the long swim underwater. Rumor has it that you would have killed him if he hadn't fled the scene so quickly."

"I not only would have killed him, I would have eaten him. I nearly drowned in that underwater temple while he twisted and turned all over the place. If I ever see him again, he's soup!"

Cheshire walked me up to what appeared to wooden paneling in the rock wall surrounding Gnome Village and Pandemonium. He stuck his claws into a slit that was impossible to see unless you were standing right next to it just inches away. He pulled and double doors swung open. I never knew it was there.

"Behold our pathway to Wonderland Woods."

It was a mining tunnel that was pitch black. "I'm going to go back to the seamstress' house for a hurricane lamp," I said. "Be right back."

The Gnome Seamstress had plenty of portable metal and glass enclosures for candles in her house. I took one, placed a short, fat candle inside, and lit it. I wondered how much light it would emit in a pitch black tunnel. I hurried back to Cheshire and held the lamp inside the tunnel. Tens of thousands of identical insects - ant lions? - covered the floor, walls, and ceiling of the tunnel.

"Fuck me this looks like something out of horror novel!" exclaimed Cheshire. "You mind if I ride on your shoulder?"

"Cheshire! You big pussy!" I scolded. "I've never known you to be afraid of anything!"

"I'm not afraid," Cheshire grimly observed. "I'm disgusted - like a human woman would be if she had to stick her bare hand into a toilet to unclog it."

"Apt analogy," I said. "I have an idea."

I started to remove the jackbomb from my right pocket, but Cheshire stopped me.

"Think Alice! You throw a jackbomb in there and you'll damage the wooden supports that hold the ceiling up. You could cause a cave-in."

Cheshire was right. I thought for a few moments. "The ice wand sure would be handy right now if I had it."

Cheshire was unable to think of anything. Finally he spoke.

"Alice, I do believe that we are going to have to brave the bugs."

I held the lamp inside the tunnel and noticed that the bugs fled before the light. I picked up Cheshire, plopped him on my shoulder, and walked slowly into the tunnel giving the bugs time to retreat before the advancing light.

End of Chapter 4

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.