Not American McGee's Alice - Fig Leaf Edition Chapter 7, an american mcgee's alice fanfic

Chapter 7: "I Feel the Earth Move"

"Alice," said Cheshire, "where's your hurricane lamp?"

Damn. I had forgotten it. We had been walking ten minutes toward the frog pond when Cheshire noticed that I didn't have it. Passing through the mining tunnel would be impossible without it. I also needed to replace the candle in the hurricane lamp, scrounge up at least two extra candles, and find a box of matches. I hadn't carried anything extra with Cheshire and myself on the first passage through the tunnel. Incredibly stupid. If the candle had blown out, we would have had to feel our way out through all the bugs.

We turned around and headed back to the Card Guard compound. There were plenty of supplies there. I replaced the candle in the hurricane lamp, grabbed six extra candles and two boxes of safety matches, and then wandered around looking to see if there were any other supplies that might be useful. I grabbed a pad of paper and a few pencils. There was nothing else that seemed worth the weight of carrying. We turned around and headed back toward the frog pond. I could tell that Cheshire was irritated with me. Good thing he noticed so soon that I had left my hurricane lamp behind. Going back four miles from the entrance of the mining shaft would have been a real pain.

"Alice..."

"Yes, Cheshire?"

"You're still a scatterbrain."

"You actually expected that I'd be smarter this time around?"

"I was hoping you would be."

"Sorry to disappoint you."

We trudged on to the frog pond in silence. Cheshire was out in front keeping his eyes and ears alert for the possibility - however remote - of Card Guards in the vicinity. There seemed to be no other enemies in the area. I was thankful that there were no boojums around. I absolutely hated those things. When we got to the frog pond, I suddenly realized that we had no landmark pointing directly at the mining shaft entrance. Cheshire looked at the submerged end of the fallen log, made a calculation in his head, and decided on the correct path.

"This way, Alice," said Cheshire.

"How do you know, Cat?"

"The path back to the mining tunnel entrance is at an angle from the fallen log. I'm also familiar with this area. You're lucky I'm here."

"Cat, I've always felt myself lucky to have you around."

"Nice to hear it. I've always thought you regarded me as annoying."

"Only occasionally. I can't begin to count the number of times I would have died without your help."

"Or simply woken up back in the Asylum? Have you ever figured out which is the real world and which is the dreamworld, yet?"

"Most of the time, I think Wonderland is the dreamworld. If I've ever died here, I don't remember it. There are, however, incidents that happen in Wonderland that foreshadow events in the Asylum. Those foreshadowings sometimes make me think that Wonderland might be the world that is real and that Rutledge is actually the dreamworld."

"Very profound. If Wonderland is the dreamworld, then what am I?

"You're my common sense keeping me from getting killed. Or maybe you're my imagined rendering of someone I know in the Asylum world. Perhaps the Professor Dodgson?"

"You're scary sometimes, Alice."

Cheshire led the way to the mining shaft entrance, and, after perhaps twenty minutes of swift stepping we were there.

"Up, Cat," I said, pointing to my shoulder.

Cheshire circled around behind me and made a perfect leap on to my shoulder. He situated himself while I busied myself lighting the hurricane lamp. I put the matchbox back in my sealable dress pocket. I was thankful that they were safety matches that only ignited against the strip on the box. Having matches ignite inside a pocket is a nasty event.

"Are we ready to enter, Cheshire?"

"I think we're ready."

Traveling through the tunnel was the same as before. Take two steps and wait for the bugs to retreat. Do it again and again and again. Tedious as a first form English class. When we exited the tunnel, there was a surprise waiting for us - an unpleasant one.

When I threw open the double doors, a group of about eight Card Guards down the road saw us and immediately headed toward us.

"FUCK!" I screeched.

"Boobs or bugs, Alice? Decide now!" blurted out Cheshire.

"Bugs!" I shouted as I turned tail to the Card Guards. I was still holding the hurricane lamp in my right hand. Cheshire made a flying leap onto my shoulder and we fled into the tunnel not waiting for the bugs to retreat before the light. I yanked open my right pocket with my left hand, snatched my jacks, and dropped them to block the tunnel temporarily. Bugs crunched beneath my feet. Behind me I heard two Card Guards run into the jacks. I turned and flung my Blade at the one in front. Down one Card Guard. Cheshire readied to leap and take down the second Card Guard himself as I momentarily had no usable weapon available. The jackbomb was out of the question in the mining shaft and a boob shroom in the narrow tunnel was suicide. Fortunately my jacks finished off the second Card Guard. Cheshire heaved a sigh of relief.

"I wasn't afraid of the Card Guard, but brawling in a seething mass of bugs was not my idea of fun."

"There's still six Card Guards out by the entrance," I said.

I put my fingers to my lips and slowly advanced to the double doors. I suddenly flung them open and saw that I would not need to fight the Card Guards. The cavalry was coming!

"YEAH BABY! IT'S CHOW TIME! FRESH CARD GUARD! LAST ONE DOWN AN ASSHOLE CHANGES THE LITTER!"

"HAMSTERS!" screeched the terrified Card Guard patrol leader. "RUN FOR YOUR ASSHOLES!"

Like Kangaroo rats jacked up on sugar, the hamsters bounded toward the Card Guards, knocked them over, and did their trademark swan dive into the anus where they began burrowing their way through the entire digestive system. The Card Guards howled and pounded the ground but there was no escape for five of them. One was running down the road and I ran after him. Cheshire bounded along behind me.

"Your honor or mine?" asked Cheshire.

"I'll let you have this one," I said.

We had the Card Guard cornered in the area near the Rabbit Hole with the junk pile of condoms nearby. Cheshire circled the Card Guard and taunted him.

"Awwww! Guardie does not want to play with the little Kitty?"

Cheshire's toothy grin must have been terrifying to the Card Guard. I swear Cheshire had more teeth than a Great White Shark. After a few minutes of dread-inducing circling, Cheshire pounced the instant the Card Guard failed to stay directly face-to-face with him. Out came the claws and a Card Guard arm went flying before he was able to aim his weapon. Cheshire ripped the other arm off a moment later and stood on the Card Guard's chest. I couldn't stand to watch anymore. Cheshire was playing with his prey like a house cat plays with a mouse that he really doesn't want to eat. I unsheathed my Vorpal Blade and plunged into the Card Guard's chest.

I was very surprised to hear the Card Guard whisper "Thank you" before expiring. I bit my lip and refrained from saying anything about torture to Cheshire. I suddenly understood why Cheshire had such a fearsome reputation among the Card Guards. I was damned glad he was on my side.

Cheshire and I sauntered back to Gnome Village in time to see our furry saviours lined up in front of the Gnome Elder's little house. They bowed to us and the leader of the group began to sing.

I've paid my dues

Time after time

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime

And bad mistakes

I've made a few

I've had my share of sand

Kicked in my face

But I've come through

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are The Hamsters of Wonderland

I've taken my bows

And my curtain calls

Wonderland brought me fame and fortune

And everything that goes with it

I thank you all

But it's been no bed of roses

No pleasure cruise

I consider it a challenge before

the human race

And I ain't gonna lose

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are the Hamsters of Wonderland

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are the Hamsters of Wonderland

The leader of the hamster pack bowed to us. All five then turned smartly on their heels and walked in a perfect line on their hind feet into the Gnome Elders' house. Cheshire and I saluted as they walked past. Heroes, one and all.

"So, Cat," I said, "shall we go liberate some Gnomes from celibacy and itchy rashes?"

"We shall, but first I think we should scour the village in search of more weapons. In that tunnel, you had two weapons in use, and two weapons which you could not use in tight quarters. You were effectively unarmed for a few seconds."

"As usual, Cat, you are completely right. Where shall we start the search?"

"I suggest we start back underneath the Rabbit Hole. I remember seeing several piles of trash there in addition to the mountain of condoms that you landed in."

Cheshire and I walked over to the area underneath the Rabbit Hole - it was only a few minutes away - and began poking through the trash. One of the piles of trash was of children's toys. I was flabbergasted.

"The Red Queen is so mean that she took away children's toys?"

"The Red Queen thinks in terms of military strategy, Alice. Taking away the children's toys was a demoralization tactic. A way of demonstrating the Gnomes' helplessness to them."

"I think I'd react with anger. Didn't the Gnomes have any way to fight back?"

"The Gnomes' only real tactical asset is their ability to disappear from one location and reappear in another. They don't have any effective weapons against the Card Guards."

"Except hamsters."

I rooted through the pile of toys and found an old, faded spinning top. It was obvious that it had once been a thing of stunning beauty, but its varnish was completely worn off and the wood had turned gray. Still, its shape was perfect, and its surface was smooth except for the expertly cut grooves for the string which was trailing from its tip.

"Do you know how to throw one of those things?" asked Cheshire.

"I had one of these as a small child. In fact, I think it was my first toy. I had a shiny, red laquered spinning top with a string. Much like this one." I wrapped the string around the top and gave it a throw. The top spun perfectly on a flat spot of dirt and kicked up a miniature dust devil as it spun.

"Alice," said Cheshire, "I do believe that you have found a new weapon."

I watched the top spin and wondered how long it would take to topple over. As long as the top spun, the miniature dust devil that enveloped it continued to spin, too.

"Cat, I do believe that it could be used to temporarily block a path, corridor, or tunnel."

The toy toppled over and reappeared in my hand in the style of my jacks. I carefully wrapped the string around it and placed it in my right pocket, which I resealed.

"A funny thing, Alice. Toys seem to like you. Especially toys that can be used as weapons."

"Indeed, Cat. Want to do any more searching?"

"How about the houses that we didn't search when we were searching for your Blade?"

Cheshire and I did precisely that searching the houses that we hadn't been into before thoroughly. Getting in was no problem as before. We did not encounter a single lock. We searched kitchen cabinets, drawers in living rooms and bedroom furniture, and every closet we could find. We found only one thing of significance. In one house we found a sealed envelope with "Alice" written on the outside. It had a single paragraph inside on one sheet of paper. It was typed.

"Your Vorpal Blade is in one of the village homes being used as a kitchen knife. The seamstress has some of your old dresses, your jacks weapon, and your jackbomb. The White King of Pale Realm is holding your Jabberwock Eyestaff for you in a high security, heavily guarded location. He claims to have your shuriken cards also. No one knows where your croquet mallet is. There is some suspicion that a Gnome child has it in a closet as a toy that never gets used. Your ice wand is thought to be lost in a cave in the Land of Fire and Ice. The Gnome Elder has your demon die wrapped in a dozen bags and stuffed in a wooden box in his home. He knows you hated it and had no desire for it. Hatter destroyed the deadtime watch. He regretted making it and said it was too dangerous to be allowed to exist. If there were/are any other weapons in Wonderland, we Gnomes know nothing of them."

"So it looks like our destination after unlocking the Gnomes is Pale Realm," said Cheshire.

"Lucky the Card Guards never searched the homes," I observed.

We headed straight for the tunnel in Yur Mine where the Gnomes were holed up. "You always turn left to find the Gnomes," I remembered. We marched into their underground chamber and tried our keys. One key unlocked the Gnome men's metal lock boxes and a second key unlocked the Gnome women's metal fabric chastity belts. I showered condoms throughout the area as I unlocked Gnomes as fast as I could.

"Make the ground shake!" I shouted. "Let the Queens know that some people in Wonderland are having fun tonight! Cheshire began to sing in that deep soulful voice of his.

An odd-looking portal opened next to Cheshire and a fat, greasy business executive in suit and tie and sporting a handlebar moustache stepped out. He handed Cheshire a thick stack of papers.

"You are in violation of our copyright. Pay me ten thousand pounds now, or Greedy Bastards Music Incorporated will sue you in court for one million pounds." He stuck his hand out in front of Cheshire and waved it around under his nose. Bad move. Cheshire said nothing and circled the business executive.

"This is a joke. Right?"

"I am completely serious," said the fat, greasy business executive as he twirled his handlebar moustache.

Cheshire circled the business executive a few more times. Holy fuck. I did not know that Cheshire could unhinge his jaws. Cheshire grabbed the business executive with his jaws opened wide enough to swallow the executive whole. The business executive disappeared through another portal. His lawsuit papers plopped down into the puddle of urine that he had left behind. Cheshire rehinged his jaws, flashed me an enormous grin, and began singing again.

He did make some rather obscene gestures with his hips while singing. I looked the other way. The Gnomes didn't waste anytime pairing up. Nobody, it seemed, had any interest in taking a shower. They got down to business right away. Gnomes were shagging on the tables, on the floor, against the walls, on sleeping mats, just everywhere. They were doing the missionary position, the jockey, doggie-style, the sixty-nine, the cowgirl, the wall bang. I even saw a few starfish positions. Everybody was paired up, except...

An older Gnome woman with a crazed, desperate look on her face slowly scanned the room. Her eyes fell upon Cheshire and she grabbed him by the scruff of the neck.

"You'll do!" she rasped. The Gnome woman yanked up her skirt, flipped bug-eyed Cheshire paws up, and jammed the poor, howling cat's stiff, erect tail down her shriveled, stinking, dried-up, nasty, bush-enshrouded puss and began to plunge as if she were trying to unstop a drain. Cheshire hissed, flipped, twirled, unsheathed his claws, and slashed the woman across her left cheek. Four of his claws connected and left three-inch scratches, one on top of the other, that looked like North American Indian warpaint. I thought she was lucky not to get eaten. The woman threw Cheshire and vanished into the crowd of crazed humping Gnomes. The floor of the cave shook beneath our feet as if an earthquake were in progress. Cheshire fled into the tunnels and I followed closely behind.

When we exited the tunnels, a panting Cheshire looked at me with bitterness in his eyes.

"No good deed goes unpunished."

End of Chapter 7

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Lyrics to "We Are the Champions" by Freddie Mercury of Queen slightly altered to create "We Are the Hamsters." Parody is protected fair use. See "Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc" on Wikipedia.

Suggested listening: "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung.