Chapter 10: "Happy-Go-Fucky"

The approach to the gateway to Pale Realm looked exactly the same as it had on my previous trip through, but this time there were no enemies standing in the way. No Diamond or Spade Guards overhead, no Red Pawns bounding around. I still had to watch my step. There were dropthroughs everywhere. Cheshire was especially cautious. He hated that one spot near the gate that had dropoffs on both sides of the stone step. He decided to make a running leap over it. I winced as I watched him do it. He winced likewise as he watched me thread the needle between the two dropoffs.

In front of us, two White Knights flanked the entrance and pulled on the chains to lift the gate.

"Here's your welcome bag. Enjoy your stay."

The two White Knights greeted Cheshire in an identical fashion. Cheshire carried his bag in his teeth. I looked inside my bag. A box of condoms, a box of handrolled cigarettes, and a box of safety matches. I looked at the cigarettes.

"Cheshire, I don't think these cigarettes are made of tobacco. They look funny."

"Ever hear of Wonderland Weed, Alice?"

"Ummm... No."

Cheshire rolled his eyes and muttered something about me being hopelessly naive. We wandered into the main square of Pale Realm which was shrouded in a dense, heavy, nearly opaque smoke that reeked of rotting hay. Everywhere in the fog we could see couples banging away on top of tables, on top of stone walls, and against the walls of buildings. Used condoms littered the square. I didn't remember Pale Realm being so heavily populated before.

"Alice, I do believe I've been seeing Gnomes here. Not all of the couples are chess pieces. The Pawns are all young women. Weren't they children, before?"

I peered through the dense smoke.

"This sure isn't the Pale Realm I remember from before."

"Understatement of the year. I've never seen such a happy-go-fucky place."

Something went whizzing by my waist sash and struck Cheshire right on the side of the face. Cheshire sputtered and cursed. The object fell off his face.

"Is that a used condom?"

I bent over intensely aware that kneeling meant coming into contact with several used condoms. I inspected what had just fallen off Cheshire's face. It was identical to all the other objects on the stone of the walkway.

"I do believe it is, Cheshire. Come over. I'll clean you up."

I took out a handkerchief that I always carried in my dress pocket and wiped the goo off poor Cheshire's face. I would have given him a bath if we had still been in Gnome Village. I looked at my handkerchief afterwards and decided that perhaps I should not like to put it back in my dress pocket. Looking at all the other litter, and not seeing any garbage cans nearby, I threw it down.

"Sorry about your good handkerchief, Alice."

"Small loss, Cat. I hear water running from a fountain nearby. What say you take a dive in some water?"

"Cats are supposed to hate water, but I can't wait to get soaked."

We walked over to where the running water sound was coming from, and sure enough it was a fountain with a shallow basin. Cheshire dived in and got right underneath the waterflow to rinse himself off. Pity I had not thought to take some soap in Gnome Village when it was handy. After Cheshire got out, we both noticed a sign obscured by the mist from the fountain and the heavy shroud of smoke that hung over the square. A list of rules of etiquette for Pale Realm.

PALE REALM ETIQUETTE

No masturbation in public.

No nose picking in public.

No oral sex in public.

Don't throw your used condoms.

Use a bathroom to pee or shit.

Wipe your ass.

Wash your hands after peeing, shitting, or fucking.

Send Humpty Dumpty straight to the Queen if you see him.

I looked straight at Cheshire.

"That last one looks pretty odd to me."

"Not to me. Have you seen the White Queen lately?"

"No, I haven't."

"You'll figure it out."

Cheshire and I continued on our way to the White King's castle. While walking through the large square just before his castle, the White Queen walked by. I couldn't help myself and whispered to Cheshire.

"Did you see the rack on that woman? Good heavens."

"Jealous, Alice?"

"Definitely not. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. She's totally out of proportion. Did you see her face?"

"I've seen her face before."

"It must be a foot long and about three inches wide. I thought I had a pinched face. She looks like she got her face caught in a machine at a halloween mask factory."

"Figure out yet why the White King wants everyone to send Humpty Dumpty straight to the White Queen?"

"Yup. It's obvious. Somebody gotta fuck that ugly bitch so the White King doesn't have to!"

After passing through the double-door entrance to the White King's castle, Cheshire and I had to step over all the copulating couples in the foyer. The heavy fog of smoke from the handrolled cigarettes, however, nearly disappeared the instant we passed through the doors. Cheshire and I passed through another set of double doors and headed for the White King's throne room. Upon entering, we saw that we were just in time for dinner. The White King graciously invited us both to take still empty seats and seemed to be unaware that Cheshire was a cat.

"Don't eat like me, Alice," whispered Cheshire. "Use the silverware."

"Do you think me a savage, Cat?"

"You ate like a Viking in the Card Guard Compound in Wonderland Woods. Remember where you are."

One of the White King's servants took away Cheshire's plate and glass, shoved a bowl of scrambled eggs and shredded fish in front of him, and placed another bowl of milk where the glass would normally be. I was impressed. Nobody blinked at Cheshire standing on his hind legs on the chair with his front paws on the tablecloth. Cheshire looked straight at me, flashed his trademark grin, and shoved his face directly into the bowl whereupon he proceeded to inhale the scrambled eggs and fish. He was finished with his meal before I had taken a single bite. Cheshire shoved the empty bowl aside and pushed the bowl with the milk in it in front of him with a paw. A servant came by and offered me chunks of roasted meat. I nodded yes, and two more servants came by offering chunks of potato and thick, brown gravy. Yes to all.

It was goat meat. Not bad if you're hungry. I plowed into the potatoes and gravy like a starving wild animal. Cheshire poked me and whispered, "Don't eat so fast!" I soon discovered why Cheshire was suddenly concerned about my manners.

"Ah, Alice! You've returned!" said a jovial-looking White King. The air of frayed nerves and desperation that marked him on my previous encounter were gone. Quickly wiping gravy off my lips, I stood up and curtsied for him.

The White King jerked his head back. "Whoa! Maybe three-quarters of you has returned. What happened to the rest?"

"All gone. Stripped away. Lost."

"Somebody stick you in a cage and starve you for two years?" he asked.

"That's actually a very accurate description of what happened. I sure haven't been dieting for two years!"

"You and your traveling companion are welcome to stay here for a week if you so desire. I have two items of yours under lock and key to return to you. The first is your round Shuriken Cards. Those I will return to you right now. Your Eyestaff I will return to you when you leave. It will remain under lock and key until then for security reasons. Follow me."

The White King led Cheshire and me into what might be best described as a giant vault. It was a very large room with thick marble walls and a thick, heavy metal door with the largest built-in lock I had ever seen.

"The Hatter designed that lock. Best in Wonderland." The White King had my Cards weapon sitting in a glass bowl on a shelf. He held the bowl in front of me.

"Go ahead and take them. I absolutely do not want to touch them after seeing what they did to an unwary servant who merely picked them up." I stuffed the Cards into a special pouch inside my right dress pocket and resealed the top of the pocket.

"Interesting material at the top of your dress pockets," said the White King. "You use it as a sealer?"

"Yes," I said. "It's a very coarse material that sticks together when you press two pieces of it together. Very practical. Invented by a Gnome seamstress. Prevents stuff from falling out of my pockets. When you consider some of the acrobatics I do, it's a necessity to prevent me from losing essential items - such as weapons."

I could see my Eyestaff on a higher shelf. It was in a rack with some oversized pistols. I agreed with the White King that it was best to leave it here until I was ready to leave. The rest of the stuff in the vault was not what you might have expected. There was no money in the vault. No gold or silver. No treasures of any kind. The vault was filled with inventions of a very practical kind awaiting mass production. There were a few prototype weapons in the vault. The White King apologized for that. "Pale Realm is now completely free of the Red Chess Piece invaders, but we must remain alert and constantly seek to improve our defenses to keep them out. As far as I know, Pale Realm is the only completely liberated territory in Wonderland. You've seen for yourselves what a happy place this is."

Cheshire chuckled. "Yes, indeed."

"Time to head for bed now," said the White King. "Meet me at the main dining table for breakfast tomorrow morning at six o'clock sharp! The Rook will show you to your room. Place any laundry that you have in the laundry bag in the room and place it just outside your door. A servant will pick it up and have everything back to you by six o'clock. The bag has the number of your room on it, so there's no danger of mix-ups."

"Thank you for your hospitality," I said. I curtsied again. Cheshire stood on his hind feet and bowed. I thought of Puss-In-Boots as he did it. We turned and followed the White Rook to our room.

Two twin beds, a nightstand between the beds, and two small chests of drawers. A laundry bag dangled from a hook on the wall beside both chests of drawers. There was an attached bathroom. Toilet and shower stall. No bath tub. Two sets of towels on the wall racks. All in all, this would have made a very nice hotel room. I did notice that there were no windows in the room. Walls, floor, ceiling, everything was marble except for the door and door handle. The door was heavy wood and the handle was brass. This sure beat the hell out of my cell in the Asylum.

Cheshire peaked into the attached bathroom. "Alice, they even set up a litter box for me." Cheshire was most tickled to get a twin bed with sheets the same as me.

I stripped and stuffed my clothes into the laundry bag which I set just outside the door. When I turned back inside, Cheshire looked me up and down with a surprised look on his not-so-furry face.

"Alice! You've got boobs!"

"What?"

"You're not flat anymore!"

I felt up and down my chest with my hands. "Well, whoop-de-doo! I've got walnuts! Break out the Victorian Secret catalogue!"

"Alice, walnuts are better than nothing! They're more than Keira Knightley has! Her teeth are bigger than her tits!"

I sat naked on the bed squeezing my walnuts.

"Alice, take a shower. You reek."

End of Chapter 10

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.