Chapter 12: "The Good King"
The antique-looking alarm clock on the nightstand went off at exactly 5:30 AM as I had set it. I was actually a bit surprised that it worked. I rolled over, sat on the edge of the bed, and whispered rather loudly to Cheshire.
"Hey, Cat! You awake?"
"Yes, Alice. I heard the alarm. I'm not dead."
"Time to get ready. We're supposed to meet the White King for breakfast at six o'clock."
"I don't have anything I need to do to get ready. That's the good thing about being a cat. We just roll over and we're ready to go."
"The other good thing about being a cat is not having to work for a living," I said. I wondered if Cheshire would protest, but he just grinned. Cats really are smarter than human beings. They don't work.
I opened up my door and reached for my laundry. It was right there. Fresh clean dress, bra, panties, and socks. I must have stunk like an old goat yesterday. Cheshire watched me get dressed.
"Alice, you're starting to look better. Don't look like a walking cadaver, anymore."
"Thanks, Cat. That was so complimentary. Every girl needs to know that's she not quite as ugly as she used to be."
"You're not ugly, Alice. You never were. Being a bag of bones sure took you down a few notches, though."
"I'll thank you not to make any remarks while I stuff my face at breakfast. I'm starving."
"Literally, you were. Making up for missed meals?"
"My body is nagging me constantly. 'Eat! Eat! Eat!' it says."
"You're not the only one," said Cheshire. "I agree not to make any remarks about you at breakfast if you also hold your tongue about me sticking my face in the bowl and inhaling everything in five seconds. That's what cats do, Alice."
"No, Cat. What housecats do is sniff twice, look up as if to say 'This is not acceptable,' and then walk away."
"I'm not some spoilt-rotten housecat, Alice. Hunger has a way of making you willing to eat anything. Except a hamster."
I nearly choked when Cheshire mentioned that a hamster was one thing he wouldn't eat.
"Let's go, Cat. Breakfast awaits."
The White King had saved two seats right across the table from him for Cheshire and me. He greeted Cheshire and me and then asked us a few questions to see how much we knew about the new Pale Realm.
"Did you notice anything different about the morning from the evening in Pale Realm, Alice?"
"Yes, I noticed that the squares were not full of people smoking Wonderland Weed and having sex. The squares actually looked rather empty."
"Everyone who lives in Pale Realm works four hours a day. The morning shift is from seven to eleven. The afternoon shift is from one to five. The evening shift is from six to ten. The night shift is from one o'clock in the morning to five o'clock in the morning. The laundry crew works the night shift, for example. Most people work in agriculture or in small-scale factories. In return for four hours of work five days a week, everything in Pale Realm is free. Everyone essentially works for their fellow residents. Because everyone knows nearly everyone else, it's possible for this system to work. I don't think this system would work in a larger place where people didn't know each other."
The White King paused for a moment. Cheshire and I looked at each other thinking the same thing. Pale Realm sounded an awful lot like the Paris Commune.
"Technically, I own all the land and factories in Pale Realm, but I don't take a cut of the production. I guess you could say that the Crown holds all property in common for the people. I do take responsibility for maintenance. Sometimes we need to trade for a replacement part with Hatter. He's the one who built all of our assembly lines. Hatter gets power for his Castle from Pale Realm. All of our water wheels produce electricity. Pale Realm is the only place in Wonderland that generates electricity. Outside of Pale Realm, Hatter's Castle is the only place that has electricity. He consumes quite a lot of it in that laboratory of his. Quite the Edison, he is."
"This place sounds like Paradise compared to the rest of Wonderland," I said. "No worries about where to live or what to eat. No Card Guards stomping around and ransacking homes. No tyrannical rules imposed by brute force. Putting those chastity belts on the Gnome women and those chastity boxes on Gnome men was sheer insanity."
"We heard about you slaughtering the Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods to get keys to unlock Gnomes from those chastity belts and chastity boxes."
I turned pale, I'm sure, from embarrassment.
"Most ingenious use of those mushrooms. Nobody ever thought of using them as a weapon before."
I wanted to crawl underneath the breakfast table.
"Glad you decided to return completely to normal. Disproportionate female bodies are not especially attractive. I'm sure you've seen the White Queen. She was once a pawn. She has looked that way ever since she queened. I can barely stand to look at her. She was an attractive young woman before she queened. It breaks my heart to see what queening has done to her."
"So you pay Humpty Dumpty to service her?"
"Yes, I feel a bit of embarrassment about being so shallow, but I truly cannot stand to look at that face. She looks like John Kerry. Or Droopy Dog. Take your pick."
"You don't like her chest, either, I presume since you mentioned her being disproportionate."
"Yes, breasts that large on a woman that tall and that thin look just absurd. She didn't get those from mushrooms. If she had, a little bit of light orange mushroom would be the cure."
"It was obvious she didn't get those breasts from the orange mushrooms. Mushroom breasts sort of float. Those things definitely don't float."
"They look like clock pendulums to me," said the White King.
"What is your feminine ideal?" asked Cheshire.
"Cheshire! That's not something you ask!" I said.
"It's okay," said the White King. "Cheshire has always been quite direct. He already knows what I like." The White King did not elaborate.
Cheshire had already finished his second helping of scrambled eggs and fried liver pieces. I was busy polishing off a fourth serving of scrambled eggs and fried potatoes. The White King had noticed.
"Healthy appetite, you've got."
"I believe in eating while I have the chance. After Cheshire and I leave here, we might not get much for the rest of our journey. I'm sure you've noticed that there's quite a bit less of me than there was the last time I came through here."
"Yes, I noticed. I wasn't going to say anything. I assumed that you had suffered hard times."
"That's putting it mildly."
"I shall ask no more. No need recounting unpleasant memories."
Cheshire and I took our leave and exited the castle. As we crossed the main square in front of the castle, we encountered my Gnome seamstress doing the cowgirl on top of a White Knight. I couldn't resist the temptation and began to sing "What's a Nice Girl Like You Doing on a Knight Like This?" My Gnome seamstress gave me a funny look and continued to "ride" her bronco.
"Go away!" she said. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
Cheshire continued to stare. I motioned to him to come along.
"Your seamstress actually looked attractive," said Cheshire. "I don't think I've ever seen a Gnome woman with makeup on before."
"That's what makeup is for, Cheshire. To make women look more attractive."
"Why don't you ever wear it?"
"I never felt the need for it. When I was heavier, I had a natural rosy blush in the cheeks. I sure don't have that now. I'm curious, Cat. What is the White King's feminine ideal? He said that you already know."
"On your previous trip through Wonderland, he said that you were about as perfect as women come. He said you had the right amount of everything: not too much and definitely not too little. He emphasized that part about not too little."
I had to spend a moment thinking about this. Just a moment. An important realization came to me.
"No wonder he got such a kick out watching me stuff my face. Cat, I do believe that we need to leave Pale Realm tomorrow morning. We'll say our good-byes and be off to Hatter's Castle."
"Any reason for this sudden desire to depart before our week of welcome is up?"
"I think if I stick around the entire week, the White King will ask me to stay and be his Queen. Not happening. I'm not the settling down type. I'm also not willing to let anybody put a White Queen's crown on my head. Look at what happened to that Pawn that queened! No, no. Not me! I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking like John Kerry!"
"A wise decision. I was wondering how long it would take you to realize this."
Cheshire and I spent the rest of the day wandering around Pale Realm and enjoying the sights. Architecture, paintings, statues and sculptures, it was all quite lovely. By the time evening came and the light had subsided, the pall of Wonderland Weed hung over the entire kingdom, and copulating couples everywhere made it difficult to walk. Cheshire and I went back to our room. I took advantage of the oportunity to take another shower and set my clothes out again to be laundered. After breakfast the next day, I had my Jabberwock Eyestaff, and Cheshire and I set off for Hatter's Castle. And the Big Fuckin' Boob Gun.
End of Chapter 12
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. Suggested listening: "What's a Nice Girl Like You Doing on a Knight Like This?" which is taken from Bill Osco's "Alice in Wonderland."