Chapter 13: "A Mad Tea Party"

"Look, Cat! There's a signpost up ahead!"

"Straight ahead to the 'Crazy Inventor' and back the way we came to 'Evil Commies' which I presume means Pale Realm."

"Why are the enlightened ones always despised?"

"They don't give the disaffected someone to look down upon. It's a lot harder to actually do something about problems than just target scapegoats."

"Are we scapegoats, Cheshire?"

"Pffffffffffffttttttt! Alice, we're terrorists. We oppose the Red Queen. We're the worst in Wonderland."

"So who are the scapegoats in Wonderland?"

"Isn't it obvious? Those poor wretches whom we liberated from those lockboxes and chastity belts. The Red Queen has obviously decided that there are too many Gnomes in Wonderland. She was probably ranting and raving about them breeding like bunnies."

"Why is the Hatter considered 'crazy'?"

"You're just full of questions, today, aren't you? Hatter is considered crazy because he invents for the joy of creation instead of profit. The Red Queen does not understand the immaterial aspects of life. The accumulation of wealth and property is all she understands. She does not understand the concept of 'enough' either."

"Is that Hatter's Castle I see up ahead, Cat?"

"I believe it is. It's too colorful to be anyone else's."

"This approach sure beats the hell out of having the floor collapse underneath me in Hatter's Funhouse."

"I don't believe you'd survive such a fall this time, Alice."

"And just why not?"

"Not nearly as much flesh on the backside to land on. You literally bounced the previous time."

I reached around behind and tried to find something to pinch. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I thought about Hatter's hard wooden chairs.

"Cat, I'm going to be in pain sitting on Hatter's wooden chairs this time, aren't I?"

"I believe so, but you'll get through it just like you get through everything else."

Cheshire and I continued walking in silence. The landscape on the approach to Hatter's Castle was rather colorful. Not as green and colorful as the Vale of Tears with all its flowers and exotic plants, but close. Unique to the area around Hatter's Castle were black orchids. I had heard rumors that they were poisonous and decided not to touch or sniff them. They were spectacular to look at, though. About three feet tall. About as tall as the average Gnome woman.

Cheshire and I walked up to a moat around Hatter's Castle. This was new. I wondered what was to prevent us from just swimming across to the other side of the bank.

"Don't even think of diving in," said Cheshire.

"And why not, Cat? It looks like an easy way to get across."

"Ever hear of Candiru fish?"

"And what is that?"

"It's a very tiny fish that will swim up the genitals of men and women. Want a fish up your puss?"

"You've got to be kidding."

"They're parasitic catfish that are also known as vampire fish for an obvious reason. Hatter has them in his moat. I am not about to jump in."

I looked around and saw a sign with a picture of a fish jumping out of the moat into a man's peeing pecker. Yup, that oughta work. I looked in the opposite direction and saw more signs with the same picture. The signs were all around the moat. True or not, the signs would sure discourage any rational person from diving into the water.

"So what do we do now?"

"We wait for Hatter to notice that he has guests. He'll recognize me instantly. You he might have trouble recognizing. You're not the baby-faced cutie that he remembers."

"I'm an uncutie?"

"Yup."

While we were occupied, the drawbridge was slowly dropping. Cheshire poked me.

"Looks like our invitation has arrived."

Hatter showed up across the bridge and raced to meet us.

"Come in! Come in, my dears! You're just in time for the Annual Mad Tea Party when I invite American politicians from the future to come to tea with me!"

"You've got a time machine?" I stared at Hatter incredulously.

"Well, it's not really a machine. It's Caterpillar. He figured out how to create portals which open into the past and future. He's been dropping portals beneath the feet of American presidential candidates of the future. Come my dears and meet our American guests!"

"It doesn't sound like you actually invite them. You just snatch them."

"I invite them to Tea after Caterpillar snatches them. One look at Caterpillar and they agree to anything."

I looked at Cheshire and he looked back. This sure caught both of us by surprise. Hatter prattled on.

"Oh you should have been here last year! Last year we had guests from the American presidential election of 2008. Barack Obama was here. Every time he uttered bullshit his nose grew. His nose grew so long that it stretched all the way to the moat and dropped in. Those Candiru fish swam up his nose and ate his brains. No wonder his presidency was such a disaster!"

"How do you know that his presidency was a disaster?"

"Why, I read 'The Times' front page in some of Caterpillar's portals. He's quite expert at filling an entire portal with just the front page of a newspaper. With each passing year, Barack Obama just got worse and worse. His rhetoric and his actions were quite the opposite. Oh, yes! He could wax poetic about his desire to help the poor and then turn around and make a disastrous deal with opposing politicians. All those poor American saps who believed his hot air about 'Hope and Change.' Did they ever get shafted! Of course, what can you expect from a man who fed his brains to fish?"

"Who are your guests this year?" I asked.

"We've got Hillary Clinton, Scottie Walker, and Marco Rubio."

"Never heard of any of them."

"Well, of course. They're from the far future. They're also Americans."

"I don't care about any of this, you know. We've got enough problems here in Wonderland without you going looking for other problems."

"The Americans of the future have such problems that they make Wonderland look good by comparison."

I sighed. "Let's go meet your guests." Since they were politicians, I just assumed they'd all be idiots. Still, I was not prepared for idiots like these. No, no. These American politicians from the future were such astounding imbeciles that I was amazed that their brains instructed their noses to inhale.

There were five guests at Hatter's Tea Table. I recognized the first two instantly.

"I know you! You're the Dormouse!"

The Dormouse exploded. "I am not a mouse! My name is Scott Walker! I am not a mouse! I am not a mouse! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Yeah, whatever, Dormouse," I said.

"And I know you, too!" I said. "You're the March Hare!"

The March Hare was guzzling glass after glass of iced tea. He was one thirsty hare! He looked up at me with iced tea drizzling off his chin.

"I am not the March Hare! I'm Marco Rubio and I'm a candidate for President of the United States!"

The March Hare poured more iced tea down his gullet getting only about half of it actually down his throat. The rest was on his chin, shirt, and suit. This guy wanted to be President of the United States? He couldn't even find his mouth without a mirror.

There was an older woman sitting at the table elegantly coiffed and wearing a business-like pants suit. I looked at Hatter and whispered.

"Didn't I kill the Duchess on my last trip through?"

"That's not the Duchess," Hatter replied.

"Sure looks like her. Her face is a bit rounder, but I swear that's the Duchess!"

"Nobody has ever mistaken me for the Duchess of Cambridge before!" said the woman.

"That's Hillary Clinton. She's a candidate for President of the United States. Those two guys are Republican candidates. They have to compete against each other in a primary election. Mrs. Clinton doesn't seem to have any opponents yet."

Hillary Clinton began a spiel about the need to support the hard-pressed American middle class with more and better jobs. Then she began to explain how more free trade treaties would improve opportunities for the middle class. Her head started to spin.

Hatter looked at me and explained. "That happens every time Mrs. Clinton opens her mouth. She starts mouthing pseudo-populist left-of-center rhetoric about the need to support the middle class and then proposes right-wing policies that are certain to make matters worse. Thus her head spins. You can't talk left and right at the same time. Your head will spin right off."

Mrs. Clinton kept yapping about the middle class and her head just kept spinning faster and faster. A few sentences later her head popped clean off and rose up into the air higher and higher and higher. Damn that thing could spin! Hatter and Cheshire came over to my side and began to sing.

Would you like to ride in my Hillary balloon?

Would you like to ride in my Hillary balloon?

We could float among the stars together, Hill and I

For we can fly we can fly

Up, up and away

My beautiful, my Hillary balloon

The world's a nicer place in my Hillary balloon

It wears a nicer face in my Hillary balloon

We can sing a song and sail along the silver sky

For bullshit flies, it really flies

Up, up and away

Hillary's head stopped spinning and came crashing back to earth. Right through Hatter's Tea Party table. Great big hole in the middle of the table. Cheshire looked at me with an enormous grin under his mass of whiskers.

"Oh dear!" he said. "Hillary has fallen and she can't get up!"

I looked at the twins at the end of the table. Two decaying farts in Charlie Brown shirts. I looked at Hatter again.

"Didn't I kill the Tweedle twins the last time through?"

"Those aren't the Tweedle twins," whispered Hatter. "They're Charles and David Koch. They bicker constantly, and they completely own the Republican Party."

The Dormouse and the March Hare began bickering with each other as they vied for the attention of the twins. Meanwhile the twins were bickering with each other over the best candidate to carry the banner for pure laissez-faire capitalism. I looked straight at them as they bickered and tried to start a conversation.

"So which one of you guys in the Charlie Brown shirts is Tweedledum and which one is Tweedledee?" Yes, I knew that I was being obnoxious. The two rich guys stopped bickering and surprised me with a reply.

"We're the Koch brothers and we own everything. We own own almost all of the politicians, the Supreme Court, many state governments, so many businesses we don't know the number, numerous think tanks, and we've considered purchasing newspapers. They're isn't anything we don't have our fingers in."

"You sound like assholes to me."

"Assholes with money. Lots and lots and lots of money." The taller one stood up and stuck his nose in the air.

"Fuck you!" I said to the Koch brother standing up. Hatter looked horrified and realized that his pleasant little tea party was going to hell.

"Very well! As you wish!" said the Koch brother standing up. He unzipped his pants and whipped out his dispenser.

"You may suck it!" he announced haughtily.

"I don't suck," I announced, twirling my Vorpal Blade in the air on my fingertip.

The Dormouse and the March Hare, on the other hand, had come to blows for the privilege of sucking a Koch brother. The other Koch brother, the shorter one, stood up and unzipped his pants.

"Now boys, boys! There's enough for everyone! No need to fight!"

The Dormouse, AKA Scottie Walker, latched on to a Koch dispenser and began sucking mightily. The March Hare, AKA Marco Rubio, latched on to the other Koch dispenser.

"So thirsty!" announced the March Hare. "So, so thirsty!"

"Look at those two piglets go!" whispered an astonished Hatter to me. "Like lost souls in a desert!"

I looked at Hatter shaking my head. "This is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to!"

End of Chapter 13

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. "Up, Up, and Away" was written by Jimmy L. Webb. "You may suck it!" scene is an homage to Bill Osco's Alice in Wonderland.