Chapter 15: "Alice Gets a Big Fuckin' Gun"

Hatter led me into his laboratory, and I stared awestruck at all the equipment on worktables lining the walls. Along one wall was all of his chemistry experiments with flasks, bottles of chemicals, Bunsen Burners, mixing equipment, and storage jars. Along another wall appeared to be experiments with robotics. All sorts of mechanical equipment, gears, levers, wheels, valves, and pumps littered the tables. Along the third wall appeared to be some sort of weapons fabrication workshop. All sorts of partially completed guns and melee weapons filled the tables. There was also a metal forge of the type you saw in blacksmith shops. I had the feeling that Hatter had more brain cells in his eyebrows than I had in my entire head.

"Come, my dear! Here it is! My autoinjector dart gun! It has six chambers in a revolving cylinder and is loaded with six autoinjecting syringes which can be filled with any poison you choose."

"How about dark orange mushroom extract?"

Hatter looked at me astonished. "Alice, this is a weapon to be used against enemies! Not something to be used for vanity!"

"Right!" I said. "Dark orange mushroom extract in a large enough quantity would completely immobilize an enemy. Right?"

Hatter looked thoughtful for a moment and began to chuckle. "Alice, my dear, you are an evil genius!" He began to cackle as, no doubt, images of the Red Queen and Queen of Hearts completely immobilized by enormous, gargantuan, field-filling mammaries bounced and wobbled in his head.

"We could turn the Queen of Hearts into a trampoline!" he cackled. He turned serious for a moment.

"If I gave you an autoinjector dart gun with dark orange mushroom extract filled syringes, I would feel compelled to give you the usual warning given to Spade Card Guards," said Hatter.

"And what is that?" I asked.

"Don't shoot yourself in the foot! Or the ass!"

I looked over my shoulder at my backside.

"I'd have to aim mighty carefully to hit my backside."

Hatter erupted into guffaws. "You sure ain't the lush, jiggly sexpot I remember from the past! But that's okay. All that extra flesh, I'm sure, weighed you down a bit in combat."

"I don't really remember it getting in the way except for a few occasions when I had to shove my boobs out of the way. My butt saved my life quite a few times when I fell or was knocked off of a high platform. I practically bounced. You think I could bounce on this thing?" I waved my scrawny arse in Hatter's face. I didn't have one thing on my body that jiggled.

"No, dear. You couldn't possibly bounce on that!" Hatter chuckled again. "Come, my dear, I have another possible weapon for you to use. Behold my newest invention! The Vibrator Muscle Exerciser!"

I stared at the device. "Is that a dildo?"

"No! No! No!" exclaimed Hatter. "This device will, when used, give you about thirty seconds of greatly enhanced strength in the thigh muscles!"

"And what would I do with that?"

Hatter held up a thin, wooden shell. "Imagine that this is a Card Guard's head." Hatter placed the thin, wooden shell between his thighs and squeezed them together. The shell cracked. "Any questions?" asked Hatter.

I suddenly realized what I could do with the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser. I could jump from one Card Guard neck to another cracking one head open after another. There was just one problem.

"Ummmm... Hatter? Wouldn't I have to literally stick my puss in a Card Guard's face to crack his skull?"

"So the Card Guard dies happy! What's the problem, my dear?"

I realized that discussing this with Hatter would be completely useless. I resolved to gracefully accept the weapon and work out the sordid details later. Hatter had one last weapon for me.

"For lack of a better term, I call it 'The Bitch Pill.' Remember rage potion? This is rage potion in convenient, portable, pill form!"

"Wonderful!" I thought. "Just what I need!" I thought. What woman doesn't need menstrual cramps in convenient pill form?

"I have one last item for you," said Hatter. "You'll need something to carry all your weapons in. I have a sort of backpack for you to carry them in. It's actually smaller and lighter than a backpack, but it has enough space to carry the Autoinjector Dart Gun, the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser, and maybe a few other items a bit large for your apron pockets. I'll also create a light orange mushroom extract antidote autoinjector for you in case you do accidentally shoot yourself with your dart gun. It will take a bit of time to get everything ready for you. I'll have it all for you tomorrow morning."

With that, Hatter led me off to my guest room, stomach growling furiously. Hatter was oblivious. Did he really live off of nothing but tea? Next morning he had all of my loot ready for me just as promised. After I picked it up, he took me down a corridor I hadn't been down yet. A delicious odor tickled my nose.

"Cake! Hatter, I smell cake!"

"Yes, dear. My pastry shop."

"Cake! I love cake! I gotta have some! Please take me to your bakery!"

"Don't panic, dear!"

"I GOTTA HAVE CAKE! GIMMIE SOME CAKE!"

Hatter led me down the corridor to a room with ornate French double doors. Hatter's pastry shop. Cakes lined the walls. Cake here. Cake there. Cake everywhere. Chocolate cake. Vanilla cake. Carrot cake. Green tea cake. Tea biscuits. Scones. It was fat chick paradise. I grabbed a chocolate cake and shoved my face in.

"Find something you like, dear?"

I turned around, chocolate icing smeared all over my face.

"Good grief, did you inhale that cake all in one bite?"

I swallowed hard. Thunk! I felt a big piece of cake land in my stomach. "Three bites," I said. I grabbed a carrot cake and gobbled it down in three bites as well. "I haven't had anything to eat since Pale Realm!" I grabbed a lemon cake and scarfed it down.

"I always knew you had a keen appetite, but not like this!" said Hatter. "Take whatever you want. I do not want to witness this display of gluttony." Hatter closed the door behind him.

I woke up in my bed in the asylum. Icing and melted chocolate smeared my sheets. Cookie crumbs were embedded in the icing and melted chocolate. Candy wrappers littered the floor. Two large empty boxes with empty candy wrappers lay in the floor. I had polished off one of Reverend Dodgson's care packages in one sitting.

I moved to sit up. I couldn't. I collapsed backward and reached under my dress to rub my stomach. Tight as a bongo drum. I tried to sit up again. Impossible. I collapsed backward. My entire midsection throbbed. If I rolled over on my stomach, I was sure I would puke a river. If I sneezed or hiccupped, I was sure I would puke a river. I lay back and panted just to breathe. An unpleasant realization just hit me.

"Fuck me, I have to pee."

End of Chapter 15

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.