Chapter 17: "The Wisest in Wonderland"

I woke up in one of Hatter's guest rooms with Cheshire curled up on the foot of the bed. Hatter had my new backpack with my new weapons leaning up against the wall outside next to the room. He had also wrapped up several pieces of cake for me to take with me. I took a quick shower in the bathroom and got dressed. Cheshire took care of business in a litter box that Hatter had politely provided. Cheshire did know how to use a toilet, but it was awkward for him to say the least.

This time taking a meal with Hatter was a normal affair. Scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, toast, and grape juice that came from Hatter's own vineyards. Hatter led Cheshire and me to a path behind his castle and informed me that it led directly to a corner of the Land of Fire and Ice that I always called "Caterpillar's Plot." It was the place with the Oracle Cave. Hatter thought that I should consult Caterpillar before plotting any attempt at overthrowing the two queens.

Hatter lowered his drawbridge and waved good-bye as Cheshire and I trudged up the slight incline toward Caterpillar's Plot. The path was possibly unique in Wonderland. It snaked through a broad meadow full of flowers, grasses, low shrubs, and a few small, scraggly trees. The path itself was of rough-hewn red bricks. I felt like Dorothy on the way to the Emerald City.

It was quite a few miles to Caterpillar's Plot, and it became clear that Cheshire and I were going to have to sleep out in the open. I chose a grassy spot underneath a tree near the top of a hill which had low cover circling it blocking the view. I had some of the cake that Hatter had wrapped up for me and offered some to Cheshire, but he refused reminding me that cats are carnivores. Cheshire, of course, slept with one eye open whenever I was asleep.

We reached Caterpillar in his Oracle Cave by noon the next day. On my previous trip to Caterpillar's Plot, my encounter with Humpty-Dumpty had caused me to forget completely about visiting Caterpillar before leaving. I was so excited upon hearing about Hatter's new autoinjector dart gun that I headed straight for Hatter's Castle, which required passing through Pale Realm first. It had been awhile since I had seen Caterpillar.

I could see hookah smoke as I approached Caterpillar's cave. I decided to announce my arrival.

"Greetings you smooshy layabout! Alice and Cheshire at your door! Permission to enter?"

Permission was granted. At first sight, Caterpillar looked me up and down in a way that made me a bit uncomfortable. I wondered what he was thinking.

"I had heard from Wonderland's rumor mill that you were a half-starved sack of bones who was incapable of giving Humpty-Dumpty his inspiration back. You look better. It seems Wonderland has been good to you."

Cheshire entered the conversation. "Specifically a Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods, the White King in Pale Realm, and Hatter's pastry shop. She's been binging her way through Wonderland."

I was a bit embarrassed as they were talking about my body. Caterpillar turned his attention to me.

"Before you get any ideas about attacking the two queens, you will need Humpty Dumpty's services. It would be best if he got his inspiration back and went back to performing his old noble function of sexually servicing the female royals whose husbands gag at the sight of them. Before you get any ideas about charging into Queensland with an undisciplined band of rebels, let Humpty have a try at restoring the balance of Wonderland."

"Humpty's inspiration was my jiggling butt. He forgot what it looked like and I sure am not able to remind him of what he forgot," I said. I turned around and shook my deflated caboose in front of Caterpillar.

"It's not exactly flat back there, Alice. Not anymore."

"What?"

"You're a smaller lass than you used to be, but there's definitely some meat back there. There's some meat in a few other places as well."

I was confused. I reached around and felt my caboose. It wasn't all bone back there anymore. I felt some squish. I poked around on the rest of my body. I had a bit of padding on and around the hips. I placed my hands on my chest. I had more than walnuts up there. Maybe A-cups. I wasn't really a flatsie anymore. Caterpillar watched my reaction.

"You actually seem rather pleased. Most human women would not be so tickled."

I was tickled. I was finally getting my figure back. I touched my face and had to ask.

"Cheshire, how does my face look?"

"You've got cheeks again. You're starting to look like your old self. Your cute babyface looks like it's returning."

My old babyface is what I wanted back more than anything else. Even the cleavage that I had once had. Every time I saw my bony face in a reflection, I cringed. I didn't look like me at all. I thought I was homely. Some women just do not look good with a thin face. I was a real-life Bridget Jones.

Caterpillar gave me a tour of his cave, something he had never done before. He had furnished "rooms" in his cave near the front. He had a dining area. He had one "room" which had a chimney of sorts in the ceiling and had his stove, his cooking equipment, and a pantry. Further back in his cave were mushroom growing areas. He had mushrooms of all types growing back in his cave. One "room" had a spring which slowly dribbled into a shallow pool on a pedestal. The pedestal had a small stream coming from it which went into the mushroom growing areas. Everywhere was lit by candles held in candelabra which were mounted on the walls of the cave. I looked closely at the ornate silver candelabras and saw that they had multiple thick screws going directly into the cave wall. I was surprised that none of the screws looked the slightest bit rusty.

"Would you like to stay awhile, Alice? Rest up a bit before your battles?"

I didn't know it then, but Caterpillar was planning to give Humpty-Dumpty his inspiration back. What can I say? Caterpillar was a fabulous cook.

End of Chapter 17

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

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