Chapter 19: "The Pheromone Grenade"

I woke up disoriented. Until I looked around the room, I had no idea which world I was in. Cave walls. I was definitely in Wonderland. I remembered that I was in Caterpillar's Oracle Cave and that he had invited me to stay for awhile just as the White King had done in Pale Realm. Such a contrast to the other world where house guests were generally expected to stay as briefly as possible.

I dressed in a filmy gown that Caterpillar had provided, and went searching for the showers. There was plumbing in Caterpillar's cave, but the pipes were all out in the open. They snaked along the cave walls and weaved in and out of rooms. The showers turned out to be out in the back of the cave near an open area that had an opening in the ceiling to the outside allowing sunlight to flow in. This was Caterpillar's vegetable garden with just about everything you could imagine growing in between the wide flat rock walkways. Butterflies flitted everywhere. I showered inside a small alcove in the garden room. There was no drain pipe for the water. The room sloped slightly and the water simply exited the room through a small crevice in the rock. I wondered where Cheshire was. He always liked to pop up when I was naked. The furry little pervert.

After showering, I simply followed my nose to breakfast. Cheshire was already there with his face in a bowl of scrambled eggs. Breakfast for Caterpillar and me was a large plate of scrambled eggs with mushrooms and a glass of some fruit juice that I didn't recognize.

"So what's the plan for today, Caterpillar?" I asked.

"I'm going to introduce you to some weapons that I have obtained from the future. Do you want any more eggs and mushrooms?"

"Caterpillar, there was enough food on that plate for two breakfasts. No thanks. One plateful was enough."

"Very well then. Shall we go?"

"You don't want to clean off the table first?"

"I have a gnome employee who comes in and takes care of laundry, cleaning, and washing dishes. I do all of my own cooking, though. I also cook for my employees. They get the leftovers. I deliberately cook enough to produce leftovers."

"I noticed that you don't seem to have any equipment for laundry."

Caterpillar sighed. "I don't have any. My poor gnome employee has to haul my laundry all the way to Hatter's Castle and back. I wish there was a better solution, but I haven't thought of one. Pale Realm and Hatter's Castle are the only places I know of that have electric power and gas power. It's a good thing that my only laundry is bed sheets and pillow cases! I have a canister of gas for my stove and that's it. It's a real pain for my gnome employee to haul that thing to Hatter's Castle to get a refill."

"So, would you like to tell me about the weapons?"

"Ah, yes! Come with me." Caterpillar led me to the room with all of his time travel loot. He struck a match and proceeded to light the candles in the cadelabras. For a brief moment, I was distracted by the shadows dancing on the walls produced by the flickering candle flames.

"I like to call these little egg-shaped things 'Pheromone Grenades.' They're one of the few things I've taken from my guests from the future that Hatter has been able to reproduce. I've got about a dozen and you can have them all. Use them sparingly. When they're gone, they're gone. Hatter says they're dangerous to reproduce. Seems one went off in his lab."

"How did you get it?"

"From a British Secret Service agent from the 1960s. He was a bit of a jerk. First thing he did was ask for a martini that he insisted must be shaken and not stirred. I told him that I had no alcohol available. Then he asked where all the 'hot babes' were. I was unfamiliar with the term 'hot babes' and thought he meant sweating babies. He really annoyed me, so I just grabbed him, flipped him upside down, shook out his pockets, and sent him back. The Pheromone Grenade was one of the things that came out of his pockets. All of his stuff was dangerous."

"What does the Pheromone Grenade do?"

"It releases a large, white cloud of gas which spreads along the ground continuously as much as fifty feet. Anyone who inhales the gas goes mad with sexual desire. A word of caution, however: make sure you're out of sight when you throw it!"

"And how would I use this?"

"Toss one of these babies into a crowd of Card Guards and they'll all start humping each other!"

"Just like American prisons, eh?"

"Lose the 'eh.' It makes you sound like a Canadian."

"What's this thing? Looks like a turkey baster."

"Don't touch that! It makes women pregnant. With what I have no idea!"

"EEEEWWWW!" I dropped the thing. I had no desire to become pregnant. Ever.

Caterpillar had nothing more significant to show me. I spent the next two weeks there exploring the Land of Fire and Ice and listening to Caterpillar's reports of a small band of Gnomes gradually making their way to Queensland to meet up with White Chess pieces for an assault on the two Queens' castle. It was expected that I would join them when they were in position and lead the assault as I had done the last time after Gryphon's death. Curiosity consumed me and I just had to ask two stupid questions.

"Why can't the Gnomes just make their way to Queensland via one of your portals?"

Caterpillar looked at me astonished that I could possibly be unaware of the apparently universally known answer.

"The Gnomes are afraid of my portals. The fact that you're willing to pass through them is part of where your reputation for fearlessness has come from."

I was near speechless. All this time and I had been completely unaware. I had to follow up.

"But the Gnomes do that shrinking thing and teleport from one place to another. Why would they be afraid of your portals which do pretty much the same thing?"

"The Gnomes shrinking and teleporting trick is like Cheshire's disappearing act. It's short-range only. As you already know, my portals can cover vast distances. Remember that one time when I opened up that flaming sewer pipe to Hell?"

"Oh, yeah. I was impressed. I made a note of it that day never ever to piss you off."

Caterpillar chuckled. "I'd never do anything to harm you or anyone else in Wonderland for that matter. I could get rid of the two Queens with two portals, but I haven't done so because I keep hoping that they'll become reasonable when confronted with armed force - you and your allies. A weakness of mine: I believe in second chances. And redemption."

And now I had to ask my second stupid question.

"Just how do you always seem to know everything that is going on in Wonderland?"

"I have my sources. They're scattered all over Wonderland. Have you never noticed the doves in the treetops?"

"There are birds in Wonderland? I thought that the Gnomes' chickens were the only birds here."

"The chickens and the doves are the only birds here. You've never noticed the doves because they stay high in the trees. They nest only in the crowns of the tallest trees."

"You can talk to doves?"

"Yes."

"Now I've heard everything."

The only other significant thing during that two weeks was the fact that I found my ice wand in a second ice cave that I hadn't known about. This ice cave was located in the Land of Fire and Ice in the side of a mountain. Why it was so cold in this one cave and not the others was a mystery to me. Needless to say, I was overjoyed to find what was my most important melee weapon. Pity the bloody thing drained so quickly and required a whole day to recharge.

End of Chapter 19

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.