Chapter 20: "How Humpty Got His Boner Back"
After two weeks, Caterpillar sent me out to visit Humpty at a secret little cubbyhole Humpty maintained in the Land of Fire and Ice. It wasn't really that far from the Oracle Cave. The little cubbyhole was inside a brick wall underneath a bridge. You'd never know it was there if someone didn't tell you. Just around the corner before you went underneath the bridge was a brick that was sticking out just a little in the wall. If you pressed it in, the door opened. You could shut or open the door from inside the little cubbyhole as well. There appeared to be no lock on the door. Humpty didn't spend much time there. According to Caterpillar, it was sort of a waystation for Humpty as he made his travels. Caterpillar had just gotten word from his sources - doves? - that Humpty was in.
"You should go see Humpty," Caterpillar told me. So off I went.
I got an interesting greeting from Humpty. It was actually a surprise. No mirrors in Caterpillar's Oracle Cave.
"Well, well... You look good. Like your old self the last time you came through." Humpty chuckled and pinched me on the cheeks. It didn't register for a moment.
"You look much better with cheeks," said Humpty. "Like a princess again."
I reached up and touched my face. I did have some flesh in the cheeks. They weren't caved in anymore.
"Do I look like a squirrel now?" I asked.
"No, no. Not at all. You look cute. Much better than before. Some women just do not look good with a thin face. You're one of them."
"Caterpillar sent me to you. Did you have some task for me in mind?"
"Not really. Has Caterpillar discussed with you that groups of Gnomes and Chess Pieces are now in position near Queensland and waiting for you to arrive?"
"Yes, he has mentioned that. That's where I'm off to next. He never told me why he wanted me to visit you first." Humpty looked me up and down in a way that really had me wondering just what he was seeing.
"Do I look that different?"
"Yes. All those places where that dress fit you loosely are now quite filled. Your dress fits perfectly. Caterpillar's cooking for the last two weeks has really done its job."
It finally hit me why Caterpillar wanted to keep me around for a few weeks. I had a task to perform with Humpty.
"Got any room in your lap for an old friend?" I'd been there many times in the past. No sense breaking tradition.
"But of course," said Humpty. He was never one to refuse me his lap.
I turned around to plop my behind in his lap and heard Humpty suddenly breath in. But not out. He muttered something under his breath. I sat down.
No sooner had I sat down than I felt myself slowly rising as if on an elevator. Up, up, up, up, ...
"I feel inspired!" exclaimed Humpty.
"I think I better hop down," I told Humpty. "Don't want to risk getting speared."
I hopped down and watched in awe as Humpty's famous 12-inch erection formed before my eyes stretching his "boner pants" way out in front of him. Humpty hopped down off his perch on the rock wall and walked away singing.
Hi ho! Hi ho!
It's off to fuck I go!
I decided that the Gnomes, Chess Pieces, and I should hold off on our assault and give Humpty a chance to work his magic. If Humpty were successful with the Queen of Hearts and Red Queen, the rest of us might be able to avoid a fight. Off our hero marched, singing his ditty, twelve-inch boner magnificently outlined in the evening light.
End of Chapter 20
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.