Chapter 22: "Ding-Dong!"
I awoke with a start. At first I thought that Cheshire had crawled under the covers and stuck his tongue under my panties, but it wasn't that at all. Then, for a brief, panic-stricken moment, I thought that I had wet myself, but it wasn't that, either. Wet dream. I was nearly mad with sexual desire. I crossed my legs tightly and waited for a respite, but there was none. I was back in the Asylum, and some sort of loud disturbance was echoing through all the hallways. It almost sounded like a party. I heard joyful, raucous singing in the stairwell.
Ding-dong! The pig is dead!
Which old pig? The greedy pig!
Ding-dong! The greedy pig is dead!
I had no idea what was going on. I eased my feet into slippers and walked over to my doorway. Feet pounded in the stairwell, entered the hallway, and someone banged a fist on my door.
Wake up you sleepy head!
Rub your eyes, get out of bed!
Wake up! The greedy pig is dead!
He's gone to where the bigwigs go!
Below! Below! Below!
I opened my door and stepped out into the hallway in my pajamas and slippers. Reveling partiers surrounded me.
Ding-dong! He died in the loo!
Intestines stuffed and blocked with poo!
Serves him right!
The greedy blight!
"The Asylum administrator is dead?" I asked. Who else could the "greedy pig" be? The revelers ignored my question and finished their merry song.
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing!
Let's ring the bells out!
Ding Dong' the merry-oh!
Sing it high, sing it low!
Let everyone know!
The greedy pig is dead!
I grabbed my necklace key, locked my door, and let the revelers lead me down the hallway to the Asylum administrator's office which had a crowd of police officers, reporters, one of the city coroners, and even a photographer inside. They were photographing the old codger on the loo. The door was wide open and I could see his obviously dead body inside slumped over on the toilet seat. It was completely involuntary: I started to laugh. Nurse Dot and I had been wracking our brains trying to figure out how to get a key to the Prostitutes' Cage in the basement without being seen. We couldn't figure out a way to do it. We did not want to bring any third parties into our scheme and didn't even want the prostitutes to know where the key came from. Now we didn't have to find a way. Providence had solved our problem for us. The top floor filled up with asylum patients. We were all loose. The staff seemed not the least perturbed. Not even the doctors. At least half of us, of course, were completely sane. The rest, although suffering from various mental problems, weren't any more dangerous than people from the general population. A young fellow with an actor's looks and a guitar jumped in front of me and, bowing, introduced himself as Dean Reed.
"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?" He jumped out into the crowded hallway and screeched, "Hamster dance!" Everyone began an insane toe-tapping dance.
Several of the prostitutes recognized the young fellow with the guitar and swooned on the spot. "IT'S DEAN REED!" Thunk!
End of Chapter 22
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.
"Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead!" Songwriters: Harburg, E Y / Arlen, Harold
Published by Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing
Parody by Nikki Little
"The Hampster Dance Song" (Suggested listening for this chapter)
Songwriters: R. DeBoer, A. Grace, P. Grace
Published by Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC