Chapter 23: "Jiyone's Maze"

I woke up in Humpty's cubbyhole. Straight from the wild party in the Asylum back to Wonderland. I walked in to Humpty's bathroom and it hit me that there was no way that Humpty could ever have fit into that tiny, primitive-looking shower. I felt a chill as I realized that this cubbyhole had originally been the home of someone other than Humpty. Who else knew about it? I took a quick shower, got dressed, stepped out the door, and slid the door shut. No convenient switch to close it when just outside. I wondered if the brick around the corner could close the door as well as open it.

Cheshire popped up as if he had been waiting for me to get up. The stink of snark on his breath told me that he had just had breakfast. I hadn't had anything.

"Ready to head for Queensland? I suggest you replenish your supply of shrooms before you go anywhere that risks battle. The ones you've got in that little metal case have surely dried up into dust by now."

I undid my velcro pocket and dug in for my small metal shroom case. When I opened it, the dried up mushrooms blew out in the slight breeze. They weren't dust, but they had dried up to near weightlessness.

"Fortunately for you, I know where to find some more of those mushrooms," said Cheshire. "In the grass patches on top of the rocks lining the walls of the canyon leading up to what used to be the Wall of Souls. It's not there, anymore. Not the slightest trace of it. Still, we'll need to be careful when entering the canyon. Good place for Card Guards to set up an ambush. Best if I enter the canyon first and do some scouting up in the rocks."

Cheshire did as he said he would and scouted the rocks along the walls all along the canyon for Card Guards and found none. The canyon was completely deserted and had only the sounds of wind whistling through and occasional bird calls to keep us company. Cheshire had discovered a patch of the required mushrooms in one grass patch on top of a boulder, and I gathered up the booty in both required forms: both light and dark. One was not much use without the other. I filled my small metal box and had four doses total. Surely I would not need more than that, I thought. Even having to use the mushrooms once filled me with dread. I found them most unpleasant, to put it mildly. There was also that fear of a transformation becoming permanent. I had no desire to spend the rest of my life as the "Bouncing Betty" of Wonderland.

I passed through what was once the "Wall of Souls" without event or encounter with enemies and began to hope that the hedge maze was also devoid of enemies. It was devoid of enemies that I had encountered before, but a new type of enemy was to be found in its rows.

Cheshire and I entered the maze, and Cheshire walked point ahead in his invisible mode to protect me from possible ambushes. No Card Guards. Our first encounter in the maze was a stunning surprise.

"Well, well, look who's back! Miss Goody Two-Shoes. Still playing the revolutionary. Still playing leader of the oppressed. Still the crown princess of all the losers in Wonderland. When are you going to scrape off all those Gnome and Chess Piece losers and take what is rightfully yours?"

I stood there with my mouth hanging open. Cheshire sat on his tail and gawked. It was me, but it wasn't me. The person before us looked like me from maybe two tours before into Wonderland. She looked like the painting of me that hung on the walls of the White King's castle. Me at fifteen. Rail thin. Flat-chested. Long-faced with a narrow, pointed chin. Long, auburn hair. Sour expression. She had a perfect copy of the Vorpal Blade strapped to her hip. I wondered what she had in her dress pockets, which had strips of velcro holding them shut just as my dress pockets did. The velcro was a Hatter invention that was used in nearly all dresses and shirt pockets in Wonderland.

"Good grief, look at you! You're fat! That's my body you're screwing up! Would it kill you to lay off the chocolate?"

Cheshire looked at her and whispered in my ear. A suggestion. I unscrewed the cap on my water bottle and splashed the other me. She started to crackle and shake. She pulled her knife to slash at me, but collapsed twitching. A tiny bit of smoke escaped. In a few seconds, the robot stopped moving.

Wary of the robot playing possom, I took my jackbomb out of my dress pocket, glanced at Cheshire who understood to run, and dropped it on the robot. I turned heel and ran. The robot showered pieces in a ten-foot radius a few seconds later.

"It seems we have an effective weapon against the robots. No need to waste water on them," said Cheshire.

I followed the same path as before and entered an underground passageway. Cheshire sauntered ahead in invisible mode. He came back.

"Two more Alice robots down in the tunnel. Both have Vorpal Blades, but apparently nothing else. Don't take anything for granted, though."

I walked down into the tunnel and the two robots immediately began taunting me. Were they trying to provoke me into charging them?

"Well, well, she's back! Queen of the losers! Princess of geeks! Hangs around with Hatter. And plays chess!"

I took my jacks out of my pocket and hid them in my hand. I advanced cautiously saying nothing to my copies. They continued to berate me.

"You still sucking up to that communist White King?"

I stopped in front of them at an apparently safe distance of about seven feet. Cheshire circled from the opposite side of the walkway.

"Watch the cat!" said one of the robots to the other. "Man, puberty must suck! Look at the size of her ass!" The two robots began laughing in my face. Both of them turned around, still looking at me over their shoulders, and wagged their tiny behinds in my face. I dropped my jacks. Upon realizing that they were being attacked, both robots charged me with jacks dancing all around them. I fled, and dropped a jackbomb at my feet. The two robots ran right into it just as it exploded.

"Look at that!" said Cheshire chuckling. "Pieces of robot everywhere!"

The other robots must have realized that encountering me alone or in pairs was likely to be fatal. I encountered no more of them until I approached the second gateway of the maze. There was a flock of about a dozen of them. Cheshire whispered to me.

"Now would be a good time to test your ice wand!"

The robots taunted me the same as the other robots I had encountered. "Queen of the losers!" shouted one. "Princess of geeks!" shouted another. "Fat ass!" shouted another. "How do you run with your boobs wobbling around like that?" shouted another.

I suddenly pulled my ice wand and began spraying the entire crowd. The ones closest to me dropped while the rest retreated. The ice wand ceased fire, its entire charge spent for at least a day.

"Five down, seven to go," said Cheshire. The surviving robots and I eyed each other for about two minutes silently. I had a sudden inspiration.

"None of you seems to have my gift for combat! Come and get me you wusses!" I retreated and the seven robots surged forward. Right into the puddles from the rapidly melting ice. All seven shorted out in seconds. I turned to Cheshire.

"Do my boobs really wobble when I run?"

Cheshire rolled his eyes. "Are you going to let those robots get to you?"

I repeated my question.

"Your boobs jiggle a little when you run, but to say they wobble is quite an exaggeration. Your chest is not overly large. It's nothing to get self-conscious about. Geez, you're vain!"

"People used to fuss over what a pretty child I was. It's been a long time since anyone told me what a pretty face I have."

"Shhhhh! I hear noises beyond the gate! We may have more robots to deal with!" Cheshire faded from view. I knew that he was advancing to see what was ahead. About a minute later, he reappeared in front of me.

"You'll never believe what's in this maze!"

"Robots of Hatter?"

"Worse!"

"What could be worse than Robots of Hatter? Remember how tough that one that I encountered the last time through was?"

"Fan-fic writers!" Cheshire handed me a paper bag that he had found blowing around. I knew instinctively what it was for.

End of Chapter 23

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

"Jiyone's Maze" was a fan-created level for American McGee's Alice which invented Alice doppelgangers as enemies. Jiyone's DeviantArt account can be found at

jiyone dot deviantart dot com