Not American McGee's Alice - Fig Leaf Edition Chapter 29, an american mcgee's alice fanfic

Chapter 29: "Cue the Infernal Choir: Battle Against the Red Queen"

I woke up in a room that was definitely not in the Asylum. Way too luxurious for that. In a moment, I remembered that I was in the Queen of Hearts' Castle. I looked at my calendar with all of the X's on it and realized that I had been at the Queen of Hearts' Castle for seven weeks now. I looked on my nightstand and saw two bottles of "Bustline Enhancing Potion." The opened bottle was about one-fourth full. I remembered my routine and unscrewed the cap to pour my morning shot. Down the hatch! I looked at the calendar again and realized that today was the day I was scheduled to leave the Castle and rejoin the Gnomes who were laying siege to the Red Queen's Castle. I showered quickly, got dressed, and headed downstairs to join the Queen of Hearts at breakfast.

When I sat down at the table in front of Queen Rania, my breasts thumped down on the table into my plate and knocked a spoon onto the floor. I forgot to tuck my boobs under the table. Queen Rania broke into hysterical laughter. I think she even had a few tears rolling down her eyes.

"That bustline enhancer sure worked on you! You walked in here with C-cups and an average sized body, and now you're the most filled-out, voluptuous sexpot Wonderland has ever seen. Is that dress a size 20? I think it is. You sure rounded out nicely. Are you happy?"

"Except for whomping my breakfast setting, yes." I turned slowly for Queen Rania. "This is exactly what I wanted."

"I can't send you off to battle with your boobs sticking out like a pair of American footballs. You need a corset to hold those in place. You can take it off after the battle is over. You don't even need to return it. Consider it a gift."

Queen Rania ordered over a servant and instructed her to fit me with a "battle corset" that restricted the breasts as much as possible without interfering with breathing. I was led downstairs into a clothing room and had to remove my dress to be fitted. When I left, I ran into the servant who had given me the "Bustline Enhancing Potion."

"I warned you that stuff would make you gain weight. Looks like it put 25 pounds on you."

"I'm okay with this. I'm wearing a battle corset to hold my chest in." I pulled my dress tight over my chest. Even with a corset, my proportions were obvious.

"It sure did work."

I reached my hand to the servant and thanked him. "I have to leave. Time to go fight the Red Queen. Wish me luck."

I went back to my room, gathered up my few belongings, snatched the two bottles of "Bustline Enhancing Potion," and met up with the White Bishop and two White Knights. Cheshire had already left. Queen Rania gave both of the White Knights identical heavy packages to carry. We crossed the drawbridge with canteens full of water slung over our shoulders to begin our hike.

We walked, and walked, and walked. I started panting, and the White Chess Pieces noticed.

"All that weight you put on in the Queen of Hearts' Castle is slowing you down. I've never seen you pant like this before."

"The price of beauty, eh?"

The White Bishop guffawed. "More like the price of overindulgence."

One of the White Knights defended me. "Let's not be too harsh. She does look like an old European painting."

The other White Knight then nailed me. "Yes, she does look like an old European painting. A painting by Rubens."

"You guys talk about me as if I were some 300-pound blimp," I complained. "I have a 33-inch waist. I'm not huge."

The White Bishop suggested that we stop under some trees and eat the lunch in our shoulderbags. He suggested that perhaps I should skip my lunch.

"Not on your life!" I defiantly ate my lunch in front of the Chess Pieces while they snickered at my fleshier form. One of the White Knights suggested that my boobs probably weighed more than a Card Guard. I suppose it was supposed to be an insult, but I couldn't help exploding into laughter at the idea. I thought it was more insulting to the Card Guards.

Four more hours of walking, me panting all the way, and we joined up with the Gnomes. It was friggin' hot in that battle corset. The Gnomes all took one look at me and started snickering. I could hear the whispers. Then the Gnome Elder saw me. His jaw hit the ground. Instantaneous lust. The other Gnomes stopped snickering at me and started snickering at the Gnome Elder's painfully obvious erection. One of the other Gnomes poked me and whispered in my ear.

"I've long heard rumors that the old man's got a thing for chubby human women. You now look like Venus to him."

"No sex before battle," I said in the Gnome's ear.

"No worries," whispered the Gnome. "He'll do what he always does."

"What's that?"

"Clean his rifle, pound his hound, whack his mack, grind his groin, rub his nub, you get the idea."

"Yes, I do. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"Anybody got battle plans that we can use?" I asked aloud the gnome who had been whispering to me.

The Gnome Elder walked up with his boner. The other Gnomes all stepped back to avoid getting knocked over.

"Can't you guys just teleport yourselves inside the walls? I asked. Stupid question. The Gnome Elder answered me.

"We can only teleport short-range in a line-of-sight manner. Teleporting from one side of a door or wall to the other side is impossible for us. We aren't exactly quick at it either. Thought you knew that."

"No, I didn't." The Gnome Elder then turned to address the White Chess pieces and me.

"We Gnomes have no reasonable chance of getting in, but we can keep all of the Red Queen's guards occupied by laying dynamite right at the foundation of the Castle. We go up so close that the guards can't see us. They've been constantly worrying about a breach - especially at the storm water drain. If we can blow those iron bars across the opening, we would have an entrance. The guards know that and try to keep us away from the storm drain. They have to come outside the Castle to monitor it. You could use your dress to parachute in to the roof of the Castle from the mountains. How long has it been since you did any gliding in your dress?"

The other Gnomes collapsed on the ground laughing.

"The last time she used her dress to glide, she was a skinny fifteen-year-old kid with no boobs, no hips, and no ass! Look at her now! Not a chance in hell she can glide!"

"I did a lot of gliding on my last tour through. You guys keep forgetting that Caterpillar has been upgrading my dresses when he resized them. The metal rods in the pleats of my dresses are stronger than ever."

I found a slight hill and jumped off. I glided along just as graceful as ever. The only catch was that the downward slope of my glide was increased. It was obvious that my days of gliding on a flat plane were over. On the positive side, my glide was more stable than it had ever been, probably because my butt outweighed my boobs. My glide dress with its metal waistband and metal spokes in the pleats was possibly Hatter's greatest invention.

The Gnome Elder took the White Chess Pieces and most of the Gnomes with him to distract the Castle guards with charges of dynamite randomly placed around the Castle walls. By keeping right up against the Castle wall, they could avoid being seen. Two Gnomes led me up into the nearby mountain range to look for an above-the-Castle-roof vantage point where I might have a chance to glide downward onto the roof.

With the sound of randomly-placed dynamite charges going off echoing in our ears, the two Gnomes and I futilely searched for a spot close enough to offer some chance of a glide landing on the roof. The distance was simply too great. Even when I was fifteen, I wouldn't have found a spot close enough for a glide to the Castle roof.

"I think we're going to have to use the wall-climbing equipment that the two White Knights dragged along with them," I said to the two Gnomes. I dreaded the thought of a laborious climb up the side of the Castle because of the time required and the chance of being discovered. I could glide down, but the Gnomes would plunge straight down if the ropes were cut. I doubted that their ability of short-range teleportation would be sufficient to save them from such a mishap.

While I pondered what to do next in despair, a group of furry little saviors arose at the horizon enshrouded in dust clouds. The two Gnomes and I hurried down the mountainside to greet them.

"Alice, we are here!"

Five little furballs on tiny little motorized bikes, each with a backpack containing a tiny parasail - invented by Hatter the night before of Wonderland Weed induced inspiration and desperation. They all turned around revealing capes reading "Hell's Hamsters." The superheroes of Wonderland, one and all. They had come to save the day.

"Take us back up on the mountainside and we can glide onto the roof!"

"What will you do once you're there?"

"Leave that to us! We have a plan!"

Then the five little furballs looked me up and down and looked at each other quizzically. The leader of the Pack then asked me.

"What happened to you since we saw you last? You were tiny!"

"My appetite came back."

The furballs looked at each other and then back at me. The Pack leader spoke.

"It's an improvement. You don't look like you could die from falling on your ass anymore! You don't look so fragile!" The other furballs nodded their heads. Polite little rascals. Up we went back into the mountains. I had a final warning for them before they took off in their tiny little parasails.

"Keep your eyes open for tripwires. There are probably very few defenders left inside that Castle. They probably have most of it rigged by now with extensive booby traps. Tripwires will be nearly invisible threads running just inches above the floor. Best of luck to you."

"Don't worry about us! Just keep watching the main door to the Castle and the drawbridge."

The two Gnomes and I stayed long enough to watch our five furry saviors all land successfully on the roof of the Castle, and then we started carefully back down the mountainside to a vantage point with view of the main door of the Castle. Cheshire appeared in front of us with a message.

"The Gnomes are doing a good job of keeping the Castle defenders spread out trying to guard all four sides at once, but there is still no viable entrance point inside. Alice, I think you're going to have to use the mountain climbing equipment that the White Chess Pieces hauled with them to scale the side of the Castle. Even worse, I think you would have to go alone. I don't think there's any reasonable way for you to carry me up. I don't fancy you crawling in a window that's almost sure to be rigged with explosive or a crossbow. The Red Queen, without those Bible thumpers as her enforcers, doesn't really seem to pose a threat. Maybe we could all just go home?"

"The Red Queen will always be a threat as long as she exists. I refuse to scale the Castle walls and crawl in an open window. It's suicide. A better option for us would be to look for the Castle's water supply pipeline and sabotage it. They wouldn't last very long without water. We don't have to go in after them. We can, by depriving them of water, make them come outside the Castle where they will be easy targets."

"Alice, you're smarter than all the rest of us. Nobody thought of sabotaging the Castle's water supply. A very safe way of flushing them out. I'll go tell the Gnomes to start looking around for water intake pipes to destroy."

"Our Hamster friends are up on the roof right now. They told me to watch the Castle's front door for activity. Perhaps we should wait and give our furry little friends time to do their thing."

So there we sat, eyes on the front door of the Castle, waiting as the minutes ticked by on the watches of the two Gnomes. I was getting bleary-eyed and sleepy when Cheshire rubbed a paw over my arm.

"Alice, wake up! The front door of the Castle just opened."

We hurried down to join the rest of the Gnomes and the White Chess pieces who watched as five Red Chess Pieces came marching out in a very peculiar robotic gait. The White Knights drew their swords, and the White Bishop readied his cane laser.

"There are five Red Chess Pieces coming out, the same number as the number of hamsters," I said. "I wonder if there is any connection."

The five Red Chess Pieces robotically marched in front of the two White Knights, each with the same message relayed in a robotic voice.

"I have a hamster up my butt. Please chop my head off.

The White Bishop laid the five Red Chess Pieces down in a line, and the two White Knights made quick work of the Red Chess Pieces' necks. After each head was severed, a hamster popped out the butt of the Red Chess Piece and performed his victory hamster dance. Dean Reed appeared out of the shadows to provide the musical accompaniment. The hamster dance again. When the last hamster had performed his victory dance, Mr. Reed faded back into the shadows like a second Cheshire Cat. The leader of the Hamster Pack had a warning for me.

"Alice, you still can't go in. There are trip wires everywhere. We've set a few of them off by accident. The trip wires are hooked up to crossbows. You'd get an arrow the size of a baseball bat through your chest if you went in there. The arrows, of course, just sailed way over our heads. There are no explosives inside that we've encountered. I think they've already used all the explosives they had stored in the Castle. It appears they were running out of food, too. All the pet cats are gone."

Cheshire fainted.

"We're going back in to get another five Red Chess Pieces. Give us time, and we'll get them all."

Our five furry little heroes marched back into the Castle singing.

Hi ho! Hi ho!

It's off to ass-bomb we go!

We'll crawl inside

We'll fuck their brains

They'll lose their heads

And make undie stains

Hi ho! Hi ho!

Off we heroes go!

Sure can't say they have any self-esteem issues.

"Anybody have something stiff to fan Cheshire with?" I asked.

"The Gnome Elder has something stiff, but I don't think you could fan Cheshire with it!"

"Oh, Good Heavens! Is that the same boner he had around noon?"

"Yup. He's been rubbin' on it for hours. He can't get no relief."

Fifteen minutes later our furry little heroes came out with another five Red Chess Pieces. The two White Knights did their duty, our heroes did their victory dance, and back they went for more Red Chess Piece booty. The next time they came out, our heroes said that the rest was up to me.

"We've cleaned out all the Red Chess pieces except the Queen. We think we've tripped all the booby traps, but we still think you should jackbomb any room you enter as a precaution. The tripwires are thin thread just strong enough not to break. One jackbomb would break all the threads in a small room. In a larger room, you'd have to toss the device in multiple times to be safe. It's all up to you now. We can't get close to the Red Queen because of those little gobs of explosive she kept tossing at us. Our little legs can't run fast enough to dodge those things. You can dodge them, though. You're a lot faster than us!"

The Gnomes immediately started snickering at the idea that I could still run faster than the Hamsters. I was irritated at their apparent conception that I was a blimp. Since when is a 33-inch waist a blimp? Just because I had some heft on the hips and butt didn't mean I couldn't run. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg, but I couldn't see him. Apparently Cheshire had recovered from his faint and felt obligated to accompany me for another battle with another Red Queen. I winced when I remembered what happened the last time. I crossed the drawbridge and headed in the front door, and Cheshire rubbed my leg again to let me know he was there. Staying invisible. Good idea.

I jackbombed each room before entering and saw utter waste after entering. Far more damage than my jackbombs could have caused. The Hamsters had caused the Red Chess pieces to destroy just about everything in an attempt to drive them out. After jackbombing several more rooms, I entered a room where the now solitary Red Queen was sitting in a throne chair waiting for me. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg.

The Red Queen stood up and tossed a gob of explosive at me. I dodged to the left, and she suddenly grabbed at her face. Cheshire became visible and hopped down from her shoulder with his legs spinning before he landed. The Red Queen screeched like she been scalded with her hands on her eyes.

"This is too easy," I thought, and pulled my autoinjector dart gun out of my backpack. I loaded a dark orange mushroom extract bullet into the chamber and aimed leisurely while the Red Queen howled. She couldn't see me or anything else at all. Blam! One dart in. The Red Queen screeched and yanked the dart out, but the damage was done. All the extract had been injected. I loaded a second dart, and fired. The Red Queen screeched again and yanked the dart out only after it had injected its contents. I fired a third dart, and witnessed a funny expression on the Red Queen's face. She put her hand on her chest. Time to run!

I turned tail and ran as I heard a tidal wave of boobage hit the floor behind me. I leapt over rubbage, over half-destroyed chairs, over broken pieces of furniture, over broken door frames, and raced for the Castle door. The tidal wave of boobage behind me sounded closer than ever. I raced for the drawbridge and felt a rush of wind behind me. I leapt over the end of the drawbridge and kept on running past the Gnomes who signalled that I was safe. The Red Queen's expanded boobage had dropped into the moat and stalled. It rose up high into the air and quivered like a mountain of jello. Surely she would suffocate in a few moments entombed in all that boobage.

One Gnome looked at me and laughed.

"I didn't think you could run that fast with a caboose that big!"

I searched for Cheshire. I had to ask what he had done to the Red Queen.

"I peed in her eyes. Blinds Chess Pieces immediately. Maybe other Wonderland creatures, as well."

I fell backwards on my caboose. Cheshire laughed.

"Comfy landing, I presume?

"Oh, yes. Very comfy."

"Only Caterpillar and Humpty knew about cat piss as a weapon. And me, of course!"

I burst out laughing and pulled my pinafore up over my head. Time to get out of the battle corset. I yanked the cords on the back and pulled it off. My breasts popped forward and bounced a few times to bask in the sweet moment of liberation from the entrapment of a leather sauna. The Gnome Elder was watching and grabbed his erection in agony. I could feel my breasts still jiggling when he toppled over.

A Gnome walked over and touched a hand to him. He shook his head.

"He's dead, Alice."

Another Gnome walked over and looked down at the Gnome Elder's prostrate body.

"I always knew that an erection lasting longer than four hours would get him."

End of Chapter 29

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

The Hampster Dance was written by R. DeBoer, A. Grace, and P. Grace. (Suggested listening for this chapter)