Knowing You

a "The Time Of Our Lives" story

7. Only You

"No," she shook her head, standing up and putting her hands on her desk as she leaned forward. "No. No. Absolutely not."

Castle smirked at the fire in her eyes as she glared at him. "You know, you're cute when you're angry," he couldn't keep the observation to himself. Her eyes narrowed in response. He swallowed nervously and took a cautious step back. "But not when you're angry at me."

Captain Beckett huffed out an annoyed breath, and crossed her arms over her chest, radiating her full authority as the commanding officer of the 12th Precinct. She was intimidating as hell. Castle could sympathize with all the officers serving under her. Then again, he'd been spending a lot of time under her… and over her… but mainly under her. Kate Beckett liked to be on top. He had no complaints, of course; she was insatiable and it loved that about her. But he was itching for more. Black Pawn was thrilled with Heat Wave and his return to his bread and butter of murder mysteries. They especially liked the character of Nikki Heat. They wanted more. He wanted more. But he wanted it to be authentic, to have real depth. Castle wanted to do Nikki Heat justice. And to do that, he'd need to do some hands on research.

He thought it would be easy, considering he had an in with the highest-ranking officer at the 12th Precinct. But boy, had he been wrong.

Regaining some of his courage, he took a step forward, trying to soften the indomitable captain with one of his charming smiles. He'd spent the last few weeks learning how to make her come undone with just the flick of a finger, so he felt confident in his ability to win her over with his latest idea.

"Come on, Kate," he said with a winning smile and waggle of his eyebrows. "You know you wanna. It'll be fun."

"Fun!?" she harrumphed and rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding me? God, Castle, need I remind you what happened the last time you 'followed' me around?"

That stopped him in his tracks. He blinked, struck dumb, with no retort to that statement. It took but a moment for Kate to realize what she'd just said. Her eyes went wide, and her expression rapidly transformed from exasperated irritation to apologetic contrition. Her jaw bobbed up and down, and her shoulders slumped slightly.

"Castle… I… I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," she rushed out, voice soft and quiet.

He brought a hand up to rub at the center of his chest, feeling the scars throb with each thump of his heart. "No… I think you did," he said.

"Castle—"

He shook his head, raising a hand to halt her. He sighed, and stepped back, swallowing hard past the sudden lump in his throat. How stupid could he be? Of course she didn't want him following her around, observing and doing research, maybe even helping to solve some cases. No. Not when he had done it first. The reminder stung. It hadn't been him, not really. It had been the other Castle. The one from the other place. He was the one she had actually fallen in love with, not him. He was just her consolation prize.

"No, Kate. No. Just another reminder that I'm not him. I can never really be him. Right? Is that it. Even after all this time… all we've been through together. You still… you still wish I was him, don't you?"

"No, Castle… that's not true," Kate insisted, imploring him with watery eyes to believe her.

He pursed his lips together and looked away, feeling the rejection build up behind his eyes. He wanted to believe her. He really did. But it was difficult. No matter how long they were together there would always be that small place in the back of his mind that wondered… wondered if she was only with him because of the other him. The doubt would always be there. And it hurt. It hurt so much to acknowledge that.

"It's okay," he mumbled, almost in a daze. "I get it. I understand. You love him. But he's gone. So you're left with me."

"No," she shook her head, advancing from around her desk. "No. You're wrong. I love you, Rick. Not him. Never him. Just you. Only you." And before he knew it, her hands were gripping his face and she was surging towards him, her eager mouth colliding with his in a heated kiss.

His body went lax as he melted into the kiss, his floundering hands finding purchase around her waist. She pressed further into him, reassuring him, claiming him, making him hers. Even when his lungs started to protest from lack of oxygen, he stayed put, breathing her in instead. After what seemed like forever, Kate pulled back, gasping for air, her lips wet and quivering from the fervor of their kiss.

"Only you," Kate repeated in a breathless, husky voice, tenderly caressing her fingers down the side of his face, reverent and loving.

Castle closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers, each refilling their lungs with air from the shared space between them.

"I'm sorry," he murmured when he managed to calm his erratically beating heart. "I'm sorry I accused you for loving him and not me. I know that isn't true. It… it's just… he knew you before me." He licked his lips, slumping his shoulders in shame. "I guess it makes me a little jealous sometimes."

"Oh, Rick… no, no, no," she shook her head, leaning in to press a reassuring kiss against his neck. "He never knew this me. Never. His Kate… she wasn't me. He loved me, yes… but he loved a different version of me. Yes, he intrigued me, fascinated me, and I was attracted him, yes… but he was not the man I fell in love with. Not him. You. You are the man I fell in love with. You are the man I love. Not him. Never him." She kissed him again, soft and tender. "Just you. Only you. Always you."

Castle sighed, and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close. She returned his embrace, burying her nose into his shoulder, and he could feel her breath deeply, as if she needed to breathe him in to reassure herself that he was still there. Pulling back, and carded his fingers through his hair, flashing an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, I guess… even after all this time, I still held some doubts," he said.

"Well, doubt no more, Rick," she commanded, reaching up to smooth out the lapels of his jacket. "Okay?"

"Okay," Castle agreed. He sucked in a deep breath, and offered her a smile. She smiled back, and then pulled away, moving back around her desk. "So… that's still a no on following you around?"

She laughed lightly, eyes sparkling as she flicked her gaze back up to him. "Never getting rid of you, am I?"

"Nope… I'm like a fungus… I just keep growing."

Kate scrunched her nose at that. "Not the best analogy."

"Yeah, probably not," he conceded with a nod.

She brushed back some hair and sat back down in her chair, blushing slightly as her gaze wandered over to the windows that looked out onto the homicide bullpen. Castle followed her gaze and noticed that many of the uniforms and detectives were standing their gawking. Ryan and Esposito looked like they were trying to stifle laughs, while surreptitiously exchanging a wad of cash between one another.
Castle glanced back towards Captain Beckett with a worried expression. She bit her lower lip and looked away, studiously trying to ignore her subordinates.

"Kate, don't worry. Nothing to be embarrassed about," Castle tried to reassure her, stepping up and resting his hip against the edge of her desk. "You've already earned their respect. I highly doubt that seeing you exchange a kiss—albeit a rather passionate kiss—with your boyfriend will affect how they see you."

"Perhaps," she concurred with a shrug of her shoulders, ducking her head down and pretending like she was reviewing the forms she'd been looking over before he'd shown up unannounced with his brilliant idea. "It was still unprofessional."

"Hey, don't think that way," he tried to reassure her, just like she'd just done for him. "Think of it this way, it'll just make you more human… more approachable."

Kate smirked, flicking her eyes up to met his. "Okay, yeah… besides, you right. I'm happy and in love. There's nothing to be embarrassed about." Her eyes radiated that happiness and love and her smile was warm and soft… just for him.

"That's right," he winked, feeling a lot better than he had a few minutes ago. And it helped that he could see the look of love radiating out from her glowing expression as she gazed up at him from behind her desk. He shifted his backside, trying to get more comfortable on the edge of her desk. He bumped into something, and before he could react, the parade of elephants Kate had on display on top of her desk, skidded off the side and tumbled to the floor, landing with a resounded crack.

"No!" Kate let out a cry of surprise, and stood up, arching her body over the desk to glance down. "Oh… no. No," her voice cracked as she saw the pieces on the floor. One side of the elephants had snapped off and it now lay in two pieces. She flicked her eyes back up at him, and Castle swallowed anxiously, face growing red with guilt and shame.

He slid off the side of her desk. "God, I'm sorry, Kate," he flashed her an apologetic look. "It was your mother's right?"

She bobbed her head in reply, her eyes growing watery as she stared down at the devastation. "She said they reminded her of family." Her gaze flicked back to his, and she shook her head, her expression sad but not angry. "Only you, Rick." It was an attempt at humor, and he offered her a weak smile in response, heartened that she wasn't yelling at him for being such a klutz.

With a heavy heart, feeling terrible for destroying something of such value to the woman he loved, Castle dropped down to his knees to scoop up the two pieces. He picked them up and paused. That was strange. It didn't appear to be broken. In fact, it looked like the piece that had snapped off was intended to do so. Curious. He rotated the broken piece around and saw that there was a hidden compartment. He looked back down on the floor and spotted something else.

"Hey, what's this?" he spoke aloud, bending down to snatch it up.

Following him with her watery eyes, Kate sniffled. "What?"

Castle held it up for her to see. "It's a tape."