The water was hot. Really hot. It felt kind of good. But it also burned. It really burned… It kind of hurt.

Nick flinched up at the showerhead spraying a steady stream of blistering hot water on him. His skin was starting to feel like it was scorching. He made a noise, lifting his hand up to block it lazily, squinting up at it, wondering why he simply didn't step out of the way. The feeling on his skin almost reminded him of the pain of a Spitter's vile goo burning and melting his skin. Almost… Almost felt the same.

He stood there for—for, well he wasn't really sure how long—but at some point he had switched the water from hot to cold. His tender skin goose-fleshed and he began to shake. His joints began to ache and it became hard to clench and unclench his hands. His chest suddenly felt tight and his lungs quivered for air. He let in a few choking breaths that soon, to his utter surprise, became sobs. Dear God, what was wrong with him! Just shake it off, man, just shake it off. You're okay. You're all right. Everything's all right.

But he knew it wasn't. A part of him was still conscious of the fact that there had been a time when he could have easily, easily shaken off the awful things he had done. He was a conman, for Christ's sake! He had little empathy for the living—or the dead for that matter. He had never been afraid to rob a man blind without even the slightest hint of regret. What had changed? When had it changed? When had he become such a pathetic excuse of a human being? When had his numbness turned into this raw and achy emotion? When had he started to care about the things he had done? When? When!

Screaming, cursing, then you spit

And saying all your worthless shit

And I, of course I'm worth hearing

Drip. Drip. Drip. When had he stepped out of the shower? Oh, well, it didn't matter. Naked, wet and shaking the conman paced back and forth in the small bathroom, one hand wrapped tightly about himself as the other worried his lips obsessively. He had to snap out of this. He had to! You're okay, man. You've got this! You've got this, buddy!

"Uh—oh, uh? Nick?" Ellis said, flustered. Nick had wandered right out into the room, still naked and looking extremely lost.

"Huh? What?" Nick glanced about, gauging the room. Ah, okay. He knew where he was. He knew who that was. That was Ellis.

"Uh… Nick, why dontcha put some clothes on?" Ellis looked away uncomfortably until he reluctantly returned his gaze. Nick hadn't moved, he seemed frozen in spot. "Hey, man… Wha' happened ta all yer bandages? Did ya take 'em off again?"

Nick's fingers came up to press and touch at the watery-blood snaking down his opened wounds. Oh, yeah… He had taken them off. He looked over his shoulder to stare at the scattered bandages all over the floor. He hadn't been able to cope with the fact that he was bandaged back to health without any recollection of when it had happened. The thought had driven him insane; they had to be removed. For his sanity.

"All right, man, come here. I think there's a first aid somewhere 'round here. I'll patch ya back up." The little mechanic stood up and turned off the television he had been absent-mindedly enjoying. He scooted past the conman who was standing in the doorway of the bathroom still. The other made no effort to move and Ellis had to squeeze tightly past the wet and naked man.

Nick continued to stare, wide-eyed and silent. At least, until, Ellis returned to him with a towel. "Why dontcha dry yerself off… an' like… put on some boxer's at least or somethin'." Nick complied, shaking his head a little to try and free himself from the numbness that was starting to squeeze his mind. Ellis guided the conman back into the room and sat him on the edge of one of the beds.

Out came the little red first aid. Ellis pulled out the bandages and most of the little antiseptic packages, q-tips and all the other random little items inside fell out. Nick felt this sudden and intense urge to rearrange everything, but Ellis had grabbed his arm and was beginning to wrap it, humming quietly as he did it. Nick watched the bandages wrap once, twice, three times, four… Each time it went around he mouthed the number. Ellis looked at him slowly.

"Jus' like old times, righ'?" He was smiling slightly, maybe a little awkwardly, trying hard, so very hard to engage the conman's disturbed mind and bring him back from whatever hell he was torturing himself with. Nick looked up at him, startled. Why was Ellis smiling!

Nick's hands jerked out and he grabbed fistfuls of the other's off-white t-shirt and jerked him close. Ellis sputtered incoherently, trying to push away but the conman's grip was fierce and iron like. "Why are you smiling?" Nick said hotly. He gnashed his teeth. "Why the fuck are you smiling?"

Ellis' mouth moved and worked hard to voice an answer, but he looked terrified. Absolutely terrified. His shaking hands reached up to forcefully uncurl the conman's fingers from his shirt. "Man, ya gatta calm down. Yer actin' crazy."

Nick swallowed thickly and released the other. Crazy? He was, wasn't he? "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, man, don' worry 'bout it. It's okay." The mechanic hesitated a moment longer before he moved on to continue bandaging up the rest of the wounds. A few band-aids here, some wrap here and there and the conman was back to being safely first aided. Ellis began to stuff all the items that had fallen out of the first aid back inside. Nick watched him, gritting his teeth at the disarray. "So, Nick. Why dontcha get dressed an' we can, like, go fer a walk or somethin'. The sunset's are actually pretty cool out here on the ocean. I ain't ever been on a big ship 'fore, an' so, I won't lie ta ya an' say we ain't gunna get lost or nothin'… Cause we probably will. But, if yer okay with tha' then, ya wanna go?"

"Sure," the words had escaped his lips before he had even processed what the southerner had said. Nick hated himself for agreeing. He stood up and slowly made his way back to the bathroom to dress. All the while with the door opened Ellis found this to be an invitation to keep talking.

"But, man, there was this one time tha' Keith an' I were on a big ferry on the Mississippi an', like, he thought it would be really funny if he jumped overboard an' used the water wheel in the back ta get back up an' stuff. Man, he got stuck in tha' sucker an' went 'round an' 'round an' 'round, but I was laughin' too damn hard ta tell anyone, so he kept goin' around on it fer like, five minutes or somethin' until someone else noticed him. They were sooo mad! They kicked us both off an' told us ta never come back 'gain."

Nick re-emerged fully clothed now in a pair of jeans and a red button up shirt. He may have looked handsome had it not been for the intensely worried frown on his face. Ellis noticed it.

"Whas wrong, man?"

"Where are we?" Nick looked utterly confused.

Ellis mistakenly translated this simple question to 'what room are we in'. "Six fifteen." Nick gave him an odd stare as though he didn't comprehend. "Ya know, room 615? Ya better remember it, 'cause I already told ya I ain't very good at navigatin' on these big ships." Nick stared blankly, but followed when Ellis lead them from the room.

They walked and walked, and all the while Ellis talked and talked, making wide hand gestures that often made Nick flinch instinctively. Ellis never seemed to notice, because he kept doing it. It was starting to drive Nick a little crazy.

"Ellis."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Ellis pressed his lips together between his teeth. Man, had he really been rambling that bad? He must've been. 'Cause that was the first time Nick had spoken since they had left their room. To be honest, he had just been trying to fill the dead silence with something—anything. Ellis hated how silent the conman had come. Usually he was so witty and eager to burn the hick with some snazzy comment, but the last few weeks Nick had been a hollow replica of himself. Ellis missed the old conman. He missed that sharp tone he always used when shushing him, that little smirk he would always give him whenever he had a particularly good shot, or the way he would always seem to go out of his way to poke fun at him—he missed that sarcastic whimsical man from before. God, did he miss it.

They found themselves on the deck and there were dozens of other people milling about. Everyone was talking in hushed whispers and almost everyone turned to look suspiciously at them as they came outside. Ellis smiled brightly in return but Nick continued to stare out at the world looking very disinterested and detached. Ellis guided them over to the railing.

"See, I told ya the sunsets were pretty cool."

It was—Nick would admit that. The sunset was hot, fiery red-orange and it smoldered through the horizon like burning embers—but it lit the city on fire with the same ferocity. It looked like New Orleans was burning. Nick flinched at the thought.

"Kind of makes it seem like nothin' wrong, don' it?" Ellis was leaning on the railing now, smiling at the horizon. He had this strange naïve vibe to him that made Nick's skin crawl. How could he possibly think that everything was okay? Everything was okay because of a fucking sunset?

Nick had this sudden desire to destroy the southerner in the same way this infection had destroyed him.

"It sure does," Nick hissed between his teeth. His eyes were hard, unforgiving as they looked nowhere but that smiling face. "It almost makes me forget about all those people I shot dead. All those bullet I used to tear apart those snarling zombies —" Ellis was looking at him now, eyes wide, his smile gone, "—almost makes me forget about those limbs I hacked off. Almost makes me forget about all that blood. Almost makes me forget the smell, the taste," the conman's voice was growing louder with each word, "Almost makes me forget that everyone I know is dead, Ellis. ALMOST. AL-FUCKING-MOST."

And I don't know of what I sing,

But you, my friend, don't know anything

And that's what makes you not worth fearing.

Ellis opened his mouth to speak, but Nick cut him off, leaning so close that Ellis stuttered and stumbled back. "I bet your buddy Keith is just watching this fucking sunset too. I bet he's staring up with hallow eyes, drool down his chin and a gaping hole in his chest where his heart once was. I bet he's fucking chewing on some kids brain right now as he looks up with a big fucking grin at that beautiful sunset."

"Nick…" Ellis choked out the others names. Tears were in his eyes. GOOD. That smile was gone. "Tha'… Tha' ain't… Tha' ain't very nice ta say…"

"AIN'T IT!" Nick snarled.

Oh, God. Look at his face! Look at that god damn hill billie's face! He's crying. He's crying now! Ain't nothin' to smile 'bout now, is there you fucking hick! Yeah, that's right. Feel it. FEEL IT. Feel this agony! Feel this despair! Know that nothing will EVER be the same again! Know it and feel it!

"Nick, wha's wrong with ya?" Ellis looked away, and his mouth was curled in a trembling frown. What's wrong, gunna cry some more? Is reality sinking in? "Yer bein' a real asshole."

Nick laughed loudly, obnoxiously. He threw back his head and laughed hard. His hands gripped the railing so tightly his fingers hurt and went white. His body shook with the laughter. People stared.

"Feel it, Ellis!" Nick was practically weeping now, choking out each word with a shudder of helplessness. "Feel what it's like to live in reality. Feel what it's like to know that you won't ever be the same person again. Feel what it's like to lose yourself! Feel it! Do you feel it? I feel it! I feel it, I feel it, I feel it!" His legs had collapsed at one point and his face was pressed against the railing. He was weeping and laughing at the same time.

Beside him, Ellis stared, mouth opened slightly as he watched the other crumble before him like some delicate sandcastle in a hurricane. It had stood so proudly once; it had been such an impenetrable fortress. It had been so god damn prideful! But the second that big bad ocean came, it had lost itself in those suffocating arms. It had been smothered and snuffed out and it there was only a trace of what had once stood left in the battered sand.

A/N: Lyrics from the song "Things you Know" by Bright Eyes (Conor Oberst).

I can't even begin to capture what it really feels like to feel that helpless and lost. Can't even begin to describe it.