Everything has a breaking point. A point of no return. A point where there's nothing left, nothing worth saving anymore. A point where surrender is the most logical move. Everyone has an end point, where they've been pushed to their limit. It seemed most obvious that Nick teetered over this edge. One little tiny breath, one little push, one little false step and he would fall,
fall,
fall,
fall,
fall to his demise—a demise where his mind, heart, soul and body would simply tear itself asunder. Where he would cease to be someone. Cease to be himself.
Nick was sitting in an armchair, his legs pulled up into his chest, arms wrapped tightly around them and he was just staring. His face was devoid of emotion and each one of his blinks were slow and lazy. He had not uttered a noise since Ellis had finally gotten him to stop crying hours ago. He had simply folded onto himself and gone silent. Coach had eventually left—discouraged and unable to look at the conman anymore; Rochelle had never returned. It was only Ellis that remained.
Ellis sat at the edge of the bed closest to Nick and he was staring back at the conman. But it seemed unlikely that Nick noticed him. What was he thinking? Was he even thinking at all?
And everything slips through my hands
I'm sorry, I don't understand
Those points I should be making
God, he was so was silent. Nick was so damn silent! Ellis folded his hands neatly in his lap, studying the man's blank face. Every time Ellis swallowed he found it difficult. There was a lump in his throat and an ache in his chest. It hurt so much, so very much to see Nick like this. God, it just hurt. It hurt worse than any flesh wound he had received—which was saying quite a lot, considering. Ellis could have never imagined he could hurt this much. He wondered if Nick's heart felt the same way—maybe that was why he was so sad. This hurt. It really, really hurt.
Ellis hadn't really known Nick for very long—really, only a few months—but he thought he had learned everything about the conman. He knew that Nick was a neat-freak, that he liked to gamble, that he could play the piano, that he was once married, that he was witty and smart, that he could be charming when he wanted, that his smile always seemed to be more of a knowing smirk, that when he laughed he always closed his eyes…
But really, when Ellis thought about it, he knew nothing about Nick, because Ellis could have sworn Nick had the strongest mind over any of them. Ellis would have sworn on his life that Nick would be the last person he would ever witness becoming so utterly destroyed like this.
He would have never though Nick could be so fragile. So painfully and obviously fragile.
Your selflessness I should have missed
I never knew this emptiness
Like a child that's been forsaken
"Nick?" No response. "Nick?" Still nothing. The southerner slowly got to his feet, his hands still clasped together in front of him. He moved before the conman and knelt in front of him. "Hey…? Nick?" Ellis' lip quivered slightly and he inhaled sharply through his nose, trying hard to fight back the tears. Shaking he reached out to touch the conman's leg. Nick seemed to not notice. "Please, Nick. Talk ta me." The conman's response was only more silence. "Damn it, Nick… Damn it, wha' do ya want me ta do? Please, tell me wha' I can do ta help ya…" He dropped his face down, trying to hide the emotion twisting his features. He pressed his forehead against the conman's ankles and his hands grasped at the other's clothes. Ellis began to shake.
The mechanic fought for the longest time. He fought the tears for as long as he possibly could. But when his eyes had closed, all he could see were those blank, unseeing green eyes. Eyes that seemed so dead, so haunted. Eyes he didn't recognize. Unable to force back his frustrations anymore Ellis began to cry. He cried because he was starting realize there was a very real possibility that he might never see Nick again.
That all the things you never take
The toys you purposely would break
Like a gift that I was giving
Nick was focused, so very focused on the lamp across the room. It was so bright. It was numbing to stare at. There were sparkles of light dancing across his vision; little black and yellow spots that drifted lazily to the left, but returned front and center each time he blinked. It was kind of amusing. He liked to watch them dance. He felt so powerful knowing he could control when they came back to the center. Like he was orchestrating a beautiful dance. One two three, one two three, one two three.
I know I just did hear and stare
Never thinking about how unfair it was
Like a light that was leaving
It had to have been minutes later that he felt himself jarred out of his stupor. He suddenly became very aware that Ellis was nearby—very nearby. The mechanic's face was pressed against his legs and his hands were clutching at him and Ellis was… Ellis was crying. Nick sucked in a breath through his teeth and his eyes jerked down to that trembling body. When had that happened? Why had it happened? Where had Ellis' smile gone? His mind cheered with the realization that the kid was no longer smiling that sickeningly innocent smile—but his heart—dear God, his heart—had sunk further into his chest. Nick could have sworn it had already collapsed as far as it could, but it hadn't. It hurt even more.
Please, please come back sweet smile!
The older man's hands lifted slowly, shaking until they rested in the mechanic's hair. Ellis jerked back, startled blue eyes finding intense green.
The southerner's breath hiccupped in his throat. "Nick?" he questioned, almost as if he didn't quite believe that the man was acknowledging him. Nick found himself twisting the others locks in his hands. They were soft, really soft. The curls wrapped and twirled around his fingers and when he tugged at them they resisted for only a moment until they slipped from his knuckles and bounced back into their perfect lushness. He found himself obsessively stroking and twisting the hair. It was strangely comforting. "Nick, please... Tell me whas wrong."
And I've been lying here for awhile now
Sitting and acting like I was in exile
But if you see my sister, could you send her home?
Nick tilted his head slightly, almost as though he were trying to figure out what Ellis had said. His hands had come to a stop, buried in the young man's hair. He blinked once, twice. He tilted his head the other way. His lips pursed together, parted slightly, eyes gentle, strangely gentle. "Where is your smile?" he cooed softly.
Ellis blinked back at him. He wasn't sure if Nick was belittling him. The mechanic shuffled on his knees, hands coming up higher to grip at the others legs. "Nick… please… Let me help."
Nick did not reply, he only let his fingers continue to work in Ellis' hair. God, the softness… it was so calming. It eased Nick's troubled mind.
Ellis sighed and then his own hands rose to gently place over Nick's. Nick stopped stroking the locks and his fingers twitched. The conman frowned slightly. "Nick… ya need ta talk ta me. Ya can't jus' sit in here an' be like this. Yer makin' me feel crazy."
Ellis stood up and Nick's hands lifted up with the motion and his fingers slipped from the others hair as Ellis straightened fully. Nick's hands were still reaching upward, his face suddenly looking terribly distraught. He took in a few noisy breaths and his hands began to shake. No, no, no… come back, come back!
Because I've been dying here for a while now
And I, I'll be dying here in a while now
Dying for a while, for awhile now
I'm dying for a while, a while, a while now
For a while, for—
"Nick. Please." Ellis shuffled backwards and fell onto the bed again. He let out a disheartened sigh. The heels of his hands buried into his eyes to attempt to stop his burning frustrated, frustrated tears. "Tell me whas wrong with ya. Tell me wha' yer thinkin' in tha' head of yers! Wha' are ya thinkin'?"
"Will you smile again if I tell you?" Nick blurted out. They gave each other startled looks, almost like neither had expected him to say anything.
"Yeah, Nick. I'll smile again." Inwardly, Ellis wondered if there would be a reason to smile.
Nick inhaled through his closed teeth. It made a hissing noise. "I'm. Not."
"Wha'?" Ellis shook his head. "Not wha'?"
"Thinking. I'm not. But I am." Nick looked suddenly confused. "No… I can't stop thinking… I can't stop not thinking… I can't…" His face twisted and his hands came up to cover his ears. He shook his head forcefully back and forth, grinding his teeth. "I'm thinking… but not of things that mean anything. I can't focus. I can't concentrate on anything." His voice shook, "It's like my mind's not mine anymore… There's nothing I can focus on. I just need to focus on something. I just need to do something to get this awful weight up off my chest."
Ellis searched the ground. Something to focus on? Something to… Ellis' lips parted slightly as he drew in a startled breath. He knew exactly what Nick needed! The mechanic sprung to his feet.
"Nick!" The conman looked up at him, cowering still. Ellis faulted for a moment, but then he held out his hand. "I wan' ta take ya somewhere."
Nick stared at that outstretched hand for a long, long time. Then finally, still looking unsure of himself, he reached out and took Ellis' hand. The mechanic's fingers came around his. Ellis held on tight.
A/N: Lyrics from "Things You Know" by Bright Eyes (Conor Oberst).
The sentence "I need to do something to get this awful weight up off my chest" is a line from the song "The Joy in Forgetting, The Joy in Acceptance" by, you guessed it, Bright Eyes.
Although the song "Things You Know" has essentially been completely written, I still have one-mayhaps two-chapters left.
I also really, really, don't like this chapter. I don't know if it's the length or because I used so much of the song in it... but it just seems... lacking. I don't know.
Thank you for the kind words and the reviews. It means a whole lot to me.