"Shut up." Elissa glared at her snickering companions at the dinner table. Ever since she'd awakened from her impromptu nap, Oghren and Anders could not leave well enough alone. Apparently, because she was fine, and had merely fainted from sheer relief after being very stressed over the Joining, her episode made for excellent amusement. Elissa suspected a large part of their mirth was the incredible success of the Joining this time; having both of their friends live took a lot of stress off everyone and made some of them rather giddy.

"But Elissa," Anders laughed, "it was so … so …." He waved his hands around, searching for the right word.

"Girly?" Oghren supplied, sending the two men into new fits of laughter. Elissa narrowed her eyes and looked at the other Wardens. Eric had his head down, studiously eating, but she swore she saw a smile on his face. Ragnar looked at all of them like they were crazy, and Nathaniel was smart enough not to say anything, although the corners of his mouth were definitely upturned.

I can't win. At least they're amused. Elissa sighed and went back to her food so that she could leave the table that much sooner. She stopped listening once she heard the words pink and frilly being tossed around, deciding with a shudder that she really did not want to know.

-0-0-0-

She found Nathaniel unpacking his things in his room after dinner. His door was open, so she walked in quietly and closed the door. At the click of the door latch, he looked up and saw her standing there. He smiled briefly at her and went back to organizing his belongings.

Elissa hadn't spent much time in Nathaniel's room. Admittedly, neither had he since they had become involved with each other. Elissa was using the master suite of the keep, which of course was larger with better furnishings, so they tended to stay in there. Still, Elissa noticed that there were a few recent changes in the room. There were some new odds and ends, including a pair of bookends on a sturdy shelf, and a series of small portraits hung along one wall. She walked over to inspect them. All of the portraits were of various men and women who were obviously Howe family members, judging from the facial characteristics that in one way or another strongly resembled Nathaniel. He had even hung a portrait of Rendon with the other family members, although it was nearly hidden in a corner. It looked like it was added as an afterthought. It's too bad seeing Rendon brings up bad memories. This is an excellent portrait of him. She looked at another portrait. This one was a heavily bearded man, and he looked vaguely familiar to Elissa. She pointed to it as she turned. "Who's this one?"

Nathaniel stopped for a moment and looked up at the portrait. "That one is Byron Howe, my great-uncle."

"The one whose statue used to be in front of the Chantry?"

"That's the one." He resumed pulling items out of his pack as Elissa studied the portrait some more.

"You know," she murmured, "I think that one of the books at Cousland Castle had a sketch of him inside."

"It's possible." Nathaniel was done now, and so he stowed his empty pack under his bed. Elissa didn't know how he fit it there, since the bed sat very low to the floor, but he managed somehow. "He was an important figure during the rebellion." Elissa nodded and looked at the other portraits. "You didn't come in here just to look at pictures of my family, I assume?" Elissa turned to see that he was watching her with amusement.

"I was hoping to get a glimpse of some of your childhood portraits," Elissa teased. "Unless Delilah has them, in which case I need to make a visit to her home soon." Nathaniel recoiled in mock horror as she grinned. "Actually, I came up here because I believe I promised you that you could tell me what's been bothering you recently."

"Ah, that." Nathaniel's face fell slightly. "Yes. I suppose we did agree on that, didn't we?" He looked grim and Elissa grew concerned. Why does he sound like he's stalling? He started to pace. "I was thinking about the problems we've been having, and what we're likely to run up against in the future." He looked up at Elissa and she nodded, prompting him to continue. "I worry about you. Fergus is your brother, and his reaction to us was incredibly severe." Elissa felt a lump form in her stomach. "If he is going to be judgmental of you, and you've always been close, what will the other nobles do when they find out?" The lump grew larger. "Once everyone finds out that we're together, I ..." he paused, looking as if he didn't want to continue speaking, "It's entirely possible that by being with you, I could end up ruining your reputation. You could end up being discredited and everything you've worked so hard to achieve could be lost." The lump in her stomach tripled in size and grew cold. She felt like she was carrying an enormous block of ice in her midsection. Nathaniel sat on his bed, his head still down, and sighed. "Once everyone finds out about us, it could mean that you're destroyed just as surely as if Father had succeeded in his plans. I feel like we need to do something about it." He closed his eyes and fell silent while Elissa tried to process where exactly Nathaniel was going with all this.

Why won't he look at me? He couldn't be … No. NO. Doesn't he know that none of that matters to me? That I've been there and … Please, Nathaniel, don't do what I think you're about to do. She begged silently, willing him to listen to her, before realizing that her thoughts weren't going to convey themselves on their own. She closed her eyes and took a shaky breath in, grabbing at every bit of fraying control that she could reach, and tried to speak. It took her a moment to produce a sound, and when it did, it came out far too soft and unsure for her liking. "Nathaniel …? What are you … what is … You're not saying … are you?" She couldn't even bring herself to ask if he was trying to leave her.

Elissa's knees were shaking – if she had been wearing armor, the clanking sound would overwhelm her ears, assuming clanking could be heard over the roaring of her blood. She didn't dare blink, for fear that if she closed her eyes, suddenly Nathaniel would be gone from her sight. Her breath was coming in gasps, her feet felt like lead, and the lump of ice in her stomach started to spread its cold over the rest of her body. She became aware of a persistent voice in her head saying no, please no, not that, don't do this, not again …

It felt like forever before Nathaniel raised his head to look at her, although she knew that it was only a second or two since she had spoken. When he looked at her face, his eyes widened and he hurriedly got up from the bed and went to her. He grabbed her shoulders – was she off-balance? – and looked her in the eye. "No." His tone was low, insistent. "No, no, no, no. I am not going anywhere." He looked at her face and sighed, before pulling her into his arms and kissing her forehead. "I'm not planning on leaving, Elissa. I'm neither stupid nor selfless enough for that." He stroked her hair for a moment.

Elissa took a deep, shuddering breath and brought her arms up to encircle Nathaniel's torso. She grabbed the back of his tunic and buried her head in his shoulder, using his heartbeat and scent to calm her. After a few minutes, she nodded. "I'm … I'm better now." Her voice still sounded shaky, but at least the moment of terror had passed.

He held her back for a minute to look at her. "You're still a little pale," he murmured. "Are you sure?" At her answering nod, he sighed again and drew her back to him, wrapping his arms securely around her. "Let me try this again, and this time I'll try not to frighten you."

Elissa closed her eyes and took another deep breath. "Toss a couple dozen darkspawn at me and I'll forget to be scared," she replied, smiling a little as he chuckled softly.

"All right." He paused a moment, letting more of her tension dissipate, before starting again. "What I was trying to say was that I'm worried that if too many people become angry with us, you'll lose your effectiveness as the Warden Commander, you'll lose the pledges of the banns and freeholders, or possibly both could happen. If you do, then we need to figure out some way to counteract that." He adjusted his hold on Elissa, moving to stroke her hair again. "Since I'm your second in command at present, having you step down because you're politically in trouble won't fix the problem. I think I should resign that position and you should name someone else as your successor."

Elissa felt her face heat up. "I feel like an ass now." She looked up at Nathaniel; he was smiling at her with understanding in his eyes. How could I have doubted him? She shook her head. "I don't think you should resign. What if I'm unable to serve for some other reason? Right now you're the only other Warden in Ferelden who's qualified to both lead a military unit and run an arling. Besides, if you step down now that damages your reputation. That's not right. Maybe we should wait and see what happens."

Nathaniel looked thoughtful at that. "What if we started training the Wardens we have now, just in case? That way if something does happen we won't be leaving Ferelden without a competent Warden presence. If we both feel the need to step down to protect the Wardens politically, replacing us with an Orlesian Warden is probably not the best option."

"I think that's an excellent idea." Elissa smiled at Nathaniel. "We can start training them tomorrow. But I'm leaving you as second in command, Ser. You don't get out of your job that easily."

Nathaniel kept one arm around Elissa and brought the other hand to her neck, stroking her cheek with his thumb. His face slowly transformed from serious and thoughtful, his brows smoothing and opening up, his lips curving upward into a mischievous grin, his eyes developing a wicked glint in them, until he looked like he was about to devour Elissa whole. She suddenly felt warm all over and her knees stopped wanting to support her for entirely different reasons than before. "So what would I need to do," he said, his voice taking an intimate, almost gravelly tone that caused Elissa's brain to stop working, "in order to have my way?"

"You aren't already having your way with me?" she asked breathlessly as he wound his hand into the hair at the base of her skull, leaning into her as his eyes watched hers through half-closed lids. She gasped as he tugged gently at her hair, tilting her head back, and traced her jaw with nibbles and kisses. He responded with a low laugh, his warm breath tickling her neck and causing her to shiver as her eyes fell closed.

"So it would seem," he murmured into her skin. "But I need to be sure." Elissa's capacity for speech or thought fled as he found her pulse point with his lips and took full advantage of his ability to thoroughly distract her.