Elissa was nervous. And tense. And nervous. She pushed the food around on her plate, unable to force herself to eat even one bite of the hearty breakfast that Teagan's cook had prepared for all of them. She finally gave up and looked around her at the table.
Nathaniel was looking at her every so often, a look of concern on his face. She caught his eye and shrugged. There was nothing to be done if, to her, all the food looked and tasted like ash. He looked like he was considering saying something, but gave up and went back to his own breakfast. I'll try to eat after this meeting. Maybe it will be easier then. And I'll have you work out the tension headache I seem to have developed. Her headache hadn't let up overnight, and in fact had gotten worse. There wasn't much point, and certainly not enough time, to ask Nathaniel to work out the knots in her muscles before her meeting with Alistair and Fergus and Teagan. Everything would just knot up again and would stay that way until things were resolved, one way or another.
At least Zev will be with us. The assassin-turned-spy was sitting at the breakfast table with everyone else after showing up at the front gates to Teagan's estate early that morning. Elissa was defnitely glad to have him along, especially when planning what to do about Vaughan. She shook her head as she thought about Vaughan's behavior the previous night at Ferrenly's party. If he does that too many more times, then it won't matter what I do in comparison.
Except for Anders, the rest of the Wardens were eating as they hadn't touched food in days, cleaning their plates with an efficiency that continued to amuse Teagan. He said that the kitchen staff members were thrilled that their cooking was appreciated, but Elissa couldn't help but wonder when the thrill would wear off. She made a mental note to offer to supplement Teagan's staff while they stayed with him. After all, it was only fair.
Anders was pushing the food around on his plate like Elissa had been. He looked rather pale and his expression was pained. I guess he enjoyed the drinks too much last night. She shook her head again and decided to finish preparing for her meeting.
By the time she was ready and back in the entrance hall, Teagan and Zevran were waiting for her. "The carriage is ready," Teagan informed her. She nodded once, not answering, and the three of them climbed into the carriage and rode to the palace. The trip was short, but not short enough; every clop of the horses' hooves echoed in Elissa's skull, increasing her headache. She felt woolly-headed, her concentration less than she would have liked, but until she could relax it was not going to improve. She closed her eyes and tried taking deep breaths, but it didn't help very much.
The carriage stopped and the door opened. We're here. She took one last deep breath and released it before exiting the carriage. Teagan and Zevran followed behind her as they entered the palace and were shown to the same study that she had been in before when she met with Alistair. Fergus, Alistair and Eamon were already waiting for them and they rose from their seats when the trio entered the room.
"Please, sit." Alistair indicated unoccupied chairs and everyone sat. "Let's get started." He indicated the tea service in the center of the assembled chairs. "Help yourselves to tea if you would like." Elissa stayed seated, but Teagan poured himself a cup of tea, took a biscuit, and sat back down.
They got right to business, talking about who was likely to ally with whom, who was possibly a threat, and who had already submitted agenda items to address during the Landsmeet. The discussion began civilly enough, although Fergus made it a point to sit facing away from Elissa and refused to even look at her. He barely acknowledged her when she spoke, which was not often since her headache was only getting worse and the fuzzy feeling in her brain seemed to increase. It took most of her energy to maintain a calm expression and try to listen to what everyone was saying without interjecting her own opinions. Alistair had taken charge of the meeting anyway which, if she had the energy to think about it, would have pleased her. Being king really did seem to suit him. She could have done without the occasional uncomfortable glance directed at her, though; it just made it harder to concentrate. She wasn't sure if Fergus' pointed dismissals or Alistair's obvious discomfort with her presence was more unsettling.
She was roused from her fuzzy-brained meanderings when she noticed four pairs of eyes upon her. She glanced at Fergus, who was now glowering but still avoiding eye contact. She unsuccessfully shook her head to try to clear it, then asked, "I'm sorry. What did I miss?" Fergus scowled further and Alistair looked annoyed. The others looked concerned at her lack of attention.
Eamon looked at her and spoke patiently. "We need to discuss your relationship with Nathaniel Howe," he said, his voice weary. Elissa looked at his face, and if she was reading it correctly, he was expecting an argument to ensue.
She took a breath and willed herself to sit up in her chair; somehow she had become somewhat slumped while the discussion was happening. She let out the breath and kept her voice as neutral as she could as she asked, "What do you want to discuss?"
Eamon started pacing and he looked at the ground. Carefully, he said, "We are aware of the problems that you have been having with some of the nobility. Once your relationship with Nathaniel becomes apparent, you must be aware that your problems will only increase."
"Of course we are aware of that," Elissa responded tiredly. "Surely you didn't call me here to inform me of that?"
"No. But if public opinion of you sours, so does some of the support for Alistair and Fergus." Eamon stopped pacing and looked directly at Elissa. His eyes looked regretful, at least, when he issued his next statement. "Bearing that in mind, we feel it might be in your best interests to … associate with someone else."
"No." Elissa made sure her voice sounded as strongly as she felt. "I will not. This is not up for discussion. Do what you have to in order to preserve your positions, but I will not do that." Maker, but her head hurt!
"Be reasonable," Eamon said. "Surely you want -"
"I want?" Elissa managed a laugh, even though her head was pounding. "What I want hasn't been an option for me since before Fergus left for Ostagar." Fergus flinched and started to say something, but she barreled through his protest. "I didn't want to become a Grey Warden. I didn't want to lead us through the blight. I didn't want to go against Alistair's wishes and put him on the throne. I didn't want to become the Warden-Commander and an arlessa simultaneously. I've understood the need for each of these things, and hopefully in the long run it will have served some good. I would like to think so. I do my duty, and I hope I do it well, but what I want?" She laughed. "This, this I want. And I will have it, because it does not interfere with my duty. I am not asking for permission or approval. This is my decision and I refuse to change it."
"Your duty is to the throne, Elissa," Fergus growled. "You also need to consider your legacy."
"No it isn't. My duty is to the Grey Wardens. The Wardens don't care what our last names and histories were; they're not necessary to fight darkspawn." Elissa crossed her arms stubbornly. "My legacy will be what it will be; it's not as if I have to worry about sullying the Cousland name." Fergus flinched at this, and Alistair and Eamon started in surprise.
"Of course you do! You should be helping to continue -" Eamon, for once, was flabbergasted.
"The family line?" Elissa shook her head to clear the fog and to try to reduce her headache. "That's not possible, gentlemen." Zevran looked at her in warning, but she continued anyway. "I am no longer a Cousland. I am merely Warden Elissa. Even if I hadn't been disowned," and at this Alistair's eyes widened and Eamon gasped, "I'd still be just a Grey Warden." She lowered her voice, realizing that she was beginning to shout. She closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down.
"Then why are you in this meeting?" Fergus' voice was dark. He was dangerously angry, she realized, even more so than when she had seen him last. The other men all gaped at him as she responded.
"I don't know. Zev knows more about Vaughan than I do. I imagine you still want to talk about that." She looked at Alistair. "If the Landsmeet turns out to be a problem, Nathaniel and I will resign our posts and transfer to another country. We won't jeopardize your position, Alistair, nor that of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden." With some effort (Why is it so hard to stand?), she rose from her chair. "I will wait in the hallway, rather than subject you to my presence. Gentlemen." She inclined her head at the room and slowly made her way out to the hallway, where she focused completely on putting one foot in front of the other. She didn't know, or care, if anybody tried to stop her from leaving. She just needed to get out of there.
She managed to quietly close the study door and make her way over to a stone bench in the hall before she collapsed upon it, leaning heavily on the armrest. It was really cold. She couldn't stop shivering and her headache drowned out any coherent thought. She looked up and down the hall; since nobody was there, she curled up on the bench. Even though she was freezing, the stone of the bench felt good against her forehead. She closed her eyes when the world started to spin and curled up tighter, wishing that she had thought to bring her cloak that day.
She didn't know how long she drifted in and out of consciousness, shivering the entire time, but suddenly she heard a familiar voice call her name. She opened her eyes a little, squinting to try to help focus them better. "You done?"
Teagan helped her up and propped her against the back of the bench, holding her in place with his hands on her shoulders. "What's wrong, Elissa?"
Elissa blinked. "Cold." She was still shivering. "Head hurts." At that, Teagan put a hand to her forehead and his eyes widened in alarm.
"You're burning up!" He turned behind him. "Zevran, can you please ask Alistair to fetch a healer?"
"NO." Elissa struggled to get up. "Don'. Please." She tried to make Teagan understand. "I don' want … less GO. Please." She managed to get halfway off the bench before her legs gave out and she fell back down.
Teagan looked at her with his brows furrowed. "Are you sure?"
She nodded at him. The motion made her vision swim. "They hate me. Don' wanna be where they hate me."
"Maker's breath! What's going on here?" Alistair's voice sounded somewhere behind Teagan. "She's as white as a ghost!"
Teagan kept his eyes trained on Elissa while he answered Alistair. "She's not feeling well, Alistair. We're going to take her back to the estate. Zevran, please, can you ask them to get the carriage ready?"
"Consider it done, my friend." Elissa vaguely registered footsteps running away from behind Teagan somewhere. She tried to stand again to follow, but couldn't even get off the bench. Teagan pulled her to her feet and her world went black.
When she next realized what was happening, she was being carried and there were shouts around her. She made out a few words, notably "Anders" and "fever" and "bath." She tried to ask what was happening, but all that came out was a groan.
"Shh, I've got you." It was Nathaniel's voice. "You've got a terrible fever, love. We're going to try to get it under control." If someone else had told her that, she might have missed the undertones of quiet panic. Elissa tried to speak, but she couldn't manage to form proper words. Nathaniel continued speaking. "Anders is … not well, either." Elissa tried to nod, but she wasn't sure that she was successful.
She was fading in and out of awareness, but what she did catch sounded like a thin veneer of control over panic from everyone who spoke. She caught snatches of words like poison and symptoms and antidotes and cold water, but nothing really registered until suddenly she went from freezing cold to oh Maker I'm freezing to death and it HURTS, it hurts so MUCH! She tried to get away from it, but she just couldn't and it hurt and it was so cold and she couldn't move and and and …
"Shh, I know. I know. Try to focus on me." She turned her head and saw Nathaniel, who was right there and holding her head up. "I know it's cold, but we have to lower your temperature. We have to keep you in this bath until your fever isn't so dangerous." She whimpered in response and he winced sympathetically, but kept talking to her softly. "I'm going to have to put a wet cloth on your head, love, and I know you're going to hate it, but you need it. Keep your eyes on me and listen to me. Can you do that?" She whimpered again, but nodded. Nathaniel looked away from her for just a second and grabbed a wash cloth, then watched her face as he ran the wet cloth over her forehead and cheeks. She could tell by watching him that he was trying to be gentle, but the touch of the cloth against her feverish skin made her gasp in pain. He kept talking to her quietly, giving her something to focus on as he smoothed over her face, and finally, finally, after several minutes it started to feel good instead of horrible. Once it did, Elissa sighed in relief and started to relax, her shaking slowed, and her headache started to subside.
"Thanks," she croaked out.
Nathaniel rinsed the cloth and squeezed it out with one hand, then brought the cloth to rest across her forehead. He looked her in the eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank the Maker. I didn't know what I was going to do if that didn't work." He stroked her cheek, his fingers cold and wrinkled from touching the wet cloth for so long. It felt odd against her skin. "We have to figure out what caused this reaction," he murmured as he looked at her, his eyes full of concern. "Did you eat or drink anything unusual in the last day or two? Touch anything strange?"
Elissa thought back over the past day. Her mind was still jumbled, but she couldn't remember anything out of the ordinary. "I don't think so," she murmured, her voice still hoarse. "You or Teagan have been with me the whole time, and have touched and eaten the same things as me."
Nathaniel frowned and his brows furrowed in concentration. "What is bothering you besides the fever? Teagan said you had a headache and you felt cold?"
Elissa nodded. "I was really cold, yes. Everything ached, but that could have been the fever. There is one thing though ..." It seemed like nothing, but just in case it was a symptom of something deadly, she decided to mention it. "I have a bug bite or something on my stomach. It itches."
Nathaniel started to examine Elissa's body. He stopped and stared at a point just below her breasts before touching it. "There?" he asked.
"Yes." Even now, the urge to scratch was there. It wasn't too bad, but it was definitely there.
Nathaniel called out for Erlina, and Elissa could hear the door open and close. "Yes, Nathaniel? What is it?"
"Look at this," he told Erlina, and suddenly Elissa could see the elf bend over and look at that same spot on her stomach. She muttered something in Orlesian, to which Nathaniel raised an eyebrow. "Is it really?"
"Oui. Yes." Erlina shook her head and muttered. "I will ask Eric to check Anders to see if it is the same with him." She moved out of Elissa's field of vision and the door opened and closed once again.
Elissa was worried now. "Bad enough for her to start speaking in Orlesian?" she asked Nathaniel. He looked at her and shook his head.
"It's serious, but only because you're an adult."
"What?"
"Do you remember ever having the chicken pox?"
Elissa felt the need to raise an eyebrow herself now. "You're kidding me."