Chapter 21: Memories of the Past, Troubles of the Present and Promises for the Future

"You stupid bitch!"

"I'm not going to let you do this!"

"Kill her!"

"Mom no!"

"You dam brat, come here and stop bawling. You're no use to us screaming."

"I say we cut the dam things throat right now and leave its body out here with the rest of those bastards!"

"Give us the Sacrifice! He belongs to the mighty one!"

"Remember, she's your sister and you must always look after her."

"I'll be away for a few days. Make sure you behave while I'm gone."

"Your authority is overruled, your highness."

"Edmund, don't be scared but I need you to come with me now okay?"

"Where is Angela? I need to know where she is! Why won't you tell me?!"

"Just tell him what we told you to and you'll be fine. If you don't then we'll kill you and your brat of a sister."

"My name's Forrae Juvel. I'll be your tutor while the Doctor is away all right?"

"Something's gone wrong! The doorway is opening but nothing's coming out. Dear god, is that..."

"We, are, hunter! We, kill! We, are, FREE!"

"That's Duncan Arlert, your father's chancellor."

"Please Doctor Yeager, do we have to spend so much time doing maths and Latin? It's boring!"

"That boy is responsible for everything that's happened to us, everything that we've had to suffer through! Do you really think I'm going to let you bring him up like one of us?!"

"Run, run hard and don't look back."

"Your father's had to go away for a while. He'll be back in a few days though."

"Do we really need to move to the city? They say everything smells and everyone there is a jerk."

"Are there any among you who still have an honest heart?"

"My name's Armin. What's yours?"

"You stupid sons of bitches! One day we'll kill all of you, just you wait and see!"

"How many people do you think he killed during the past sixty years?"

"This is our sacred duty to the people of Althand. We are honour bound to serve them before ourselves; that is the duty of a king."

"Um, well you see Krista, I was wondering if you might like to meet up with me after training."

"They're really gone aren't they?"

"We're here because of the Female Titan. I think we may be luring her into a trap."

"What could possibly be worth, all this death and destruction?!"

"In the end know that this sacrifice is for the good of the people."

"Just remember that I love you."

"He's awake! He knows what's happening. We're all going to be devoured!"

"I am not going to lose you!"

"Historia, aren't you even the least bit bothered by this?"

"Of course I am, but it doesn't matter."

"Why?"

"Because I love you idiot, that's why."

"Please, I don't want to die."

I sit up in bed with a gasp. My entire body feels drenched with sweat and my heart rate is sky rocketing. "Wha, what the hell?" I ask myself in a hoarse whisper. This last dream was so vivid that I can't stop my hands from trembling. The blood and the screams. There were houses on fire and people running in panic in all directions. Titans were everywhere and there was blood around their mouths. The worst part was, that I was one of them. I could feel the sticky mess of blood clinging to my own chin, and everything was at least ten metres lower down than it ought to have been.

It didn't stop there though. There was that field again, the one I saw in the supply room during the Battle of Trost. The girl was there again but this time I know who she is. She's Angela. She's my twin sister. The memory of her suddenly makes me shake all over and I bury my head in my hands, tears pouring down my cheeks. She must be dead now, swallowed up either by time, or between a pair of bloodstained jaws.

"This isn't fair," I hiss between sobs. "Why couldn't I remember her before now? She was my sister! My dad always told me that I needed to look after her and I forgot all about her. I'm sorry Angela, I'm so sorry."

Then there was my mother and father. They're still a little vague in my mind but I can remember their voices. My father was always very firm about things I recall. He was serious much of the time but he was always kind. My mother was far more relaxed in character. I can remember the sound of her laughter. I can also remember her body lying on a wooden floor, her life blood pouring away into the cracks between the floorboards. That sends up a fresh wave of tears.

I can't remember much of my old life. Odds are there isn't much to remember anyway. I can remember enough though to make me cry at its loss. My parents are both dead as is my sister and all of my friends. The places I used to play as a child are likely gone by now.

The dream kept moving on though, rushing closer and closer to the present. It was like I was looking back on a broken up story of my life. There was snow everywhere, huge amounts of it coating the landscape. There was a young woman holding onto me and telling me everything was going to be all right. I can remember that I didn't believe her. Then I saw my adopted parents and several moments from the time I spent in Rieskrippe. Then my adopted father left, to go on his mission to try and steal the Coordinate power from the Riess family. A mission he never came back from.

Then I remembered the day when mom said we'd be moving to Shiganshina. I'd been expecting the next move for a while at that point, but I was surprised that we were going to move to a city. I didn't want to go. The cities were supposed to be disgusting and filled with stuck up rich people who turned up their noses at you, or filthy beggars and cutthroats. Mother insisted though, and so we went.

I didn't like the city very much at first with all of the smells and the bustling groups of people. Then, almost a week after we arrived I met Armin. Things went uphill for me from there I'd have to say. Of course they came crashing down again when the Colossal Titan, no, when Bertolt appeared and kicked in the Gate. Thousands from the city alone perished, never mind the tens of thousands more who died afterwards.

I sit still in the darkness of the night, clutching my knees against my chest and sobbing. It's hard to believe that yesterday I was so happy. Historia is due to be crowned the very next day and Major-General Erwin has been released from prison. The old government has stepped down and the former king permitted to retire to a remote house within the confines of Wall Sina. I should be happy right now, excited at the prospect of a united front against the Titans for the first time in this struggle. I'm not though, I'm crying my eyes out on what's probably the nicest bed I've slept in since my life as Edmund Riess.

With a sigh I haul myself to my feet and pull on some rudimentary clothes. I walk out into the unlit corridors with a candle and head for the balcony. Historia has been moved into the palace, and insisted that the entire Scout Regiment be housed inside of its vast suite of rooms as a kind of reward for our service. That made the staff a little unhappy to be sure.

The large balcony lies between this particular wing of guest rooms and the Queen's private chambers. I step out onto it and look up into the night sky. The pale moon glimmers down at me, almost a perfect circle in the dark blue sky. The stars break up the rich blue of the void with their bright silver glints. There's a popular myth that you can wish on stars. I lean over the rail and let out a long sigh. "I wish, I wish none of this had ever happened," I say. "I wish the Titan's had never come and I wish I'd never become one of them. I wish none of those people had to die, and I wish that all of those people are going to have to die wouldn't have to. I wish, I wish I could have my life back!"

I lose it again and start crying. Images of my old family keep flashing through my mind. None of them seem like they want to stick properly. No matter how hard I try to grab onto them they slip away between my fingers like sand. "Brother, when you're king will you make a law that says we can't eat sheep?"

"But I like lamb, it tastes great!"

"You're so mean!"

I sob desperately and my entire body shakes. Suddenly I feel a hand slip over my shoulder. I turn around in surprise. Historia is standing behind me in her night gown. "I was having trouble sleeping and then I heard some noise," she explains. "Matthias, what's wrong?"

I look away, trying to hide my tear stained face from her. But I can't stop the tears from continuing to run. "I, I remembered them," I croak out between sobs. "I remembered my family. My father, my mother and my sister. I remember her now. I promised my dad that I'd look after her, that I'd always make sure she was safe. But I didn't. I forgot she even existed until today. She'll be dead now, maybe even killed by one of the Titans.

"I was supposed to have a duty to the people, to put their safety and well being above my own! But I failed pretty badly at that now didn't I? I brought into being the greatest threat Mankind as a species has ever known! Countless thousands, millions of them are dead because of me! If I could I would turn it all back but there's nothing I can do. It's done, finished, over. My adopted father always told me the past didn't matter, that it was the here and now that counted. If the past doesn't matter then why does it hurt so much?!"

I scream this last part up at the night sky, as if I expect an answer from the stars or the moon. "I, I never knew you had a sister," says Historia.

"Had is the operative word there. She's gone." I sniff several times as my crying fit finally draws to a close. "You know the stupid thing? I spent the first five years or so of my life in this place. I already know it so well. I used to play in those gardens down there," I say, pointing towards an open space of grass with flour beds running down alongside it until it reached a stream that encircled the back part of the structure. "We'd eat lunch down there during the spring because mom always liked that time of year so much she said. I was a bit of a brat at the time actually. I guess that's what happens when you're the heir to throne without a care in the world; you get complacent. I took it all for granted, just assumed that I would always have what I had for the rest of my life. Well, I've certainly been through an awakening experience on that front haven't I?"

Silently Historia slips her arms around me. I take hold of her hand and clutch it tightly. "Historia, who am I?" I ask finally. "That boy had a different family and a different life in a different world. I can't see him in me anymore. The more I remember the more I want to forget about him and his life but I can't. I can't do it because it's mine. I want to be me, but I don't know who me is."

Historia smiles. "It may come as a surprise but I actually know that sort of thing rather well. My life feels like it's in three parts. There's the first part where I was Historia Riess, the little bastard girl who lived on a farm where nobody talked to her. Then there's the second part where I was Krista Lenz, the good little soldier girl who everyone liked. And now, now I'm just me. I'm choosing to use the name Historia because it allows me to acknowledge my past, but I don't let it hold onto me anymore. I think you're entering the third part of your life now."

"But how do I get there? I don't want to acknowledge who I was. I want to shut it out because it wasn't miserable and hard. It was good, better than any other part of my life has been. I don't want to remember how happy I was because I can't bear it. I just, I just can't take the strain of it."

"Then let me help. Without you I wouldn't be the person I am now. Maybe I would have come out with my real identity on my own, but I'd be someone else. I'd be cold, hollow and dead on the inside. I might have healed but it wouldn't have been real healing, just an ugly scar. You helped me to be the person I am, let me help you do the same, please."

I look at her. Her face is half outlined by moonlight as she looks at me. Her blue eyes are filled with stars and her hair looks as if it's made of silver. She steps back and holds out her hand to me. "I don't fully understand what you're going through, but I do a little and I'm willing to understand more. The question I have for you is this, will you let me?"

I hesitate for a moment then take her hand and pull her close to me. "Yes," I whisper. We stand like that a while as my breathing calms and my temperature which up until now has been quite high, begins to settle down again. I draw back and smile at her. "That was rather a good line," I say.

Historia smiles back, "I learned it for someone very special to me."

"How special?"

"More than anyone else in the world."

"I love you Historia."

"I know. I love you too."

I look up at the shining white moon and let out a long sigh of relief. "So, that means nothing's going to change?" I ask, looking back at her.

"Change?"

"With you becoming the Queen and everything."

"Oh don't be stupid! Besides, technically you are a prince you know so it's perfectly fine."

"Oh jeez," I exclaim, realising something. "I didn't think of this until just now but well, we're related!"

Historia gasps. "Oh my goodness, I never realised that either! You're like my half cousin from five generations ago. Is that weird or something?"

"Well," I say, thinking it over carefully, "it my uncle's side of the family who took over the throne from what we can tell, and you're only half Riess anyway so I think we're fine."

"Oh good. Hey, don't you go trying to usurp my throne or anything," she says in mock seriousness.

"Aw, I was really hoping to have a huge rebellion when this was over, are you sure I can't give it a try?"

"Yes."

"Fine then. That means I'll never get to be King, I'm stuck being a Prince for my whole life. Oh well, less responsibilities I guess. I hope I won't be expected to participate in public events or something. I mean, how do you even explain that to people? This guy's your Prince from a hundred and seven years ago? I doubt they'd be buying into that anytime soon."

Historia laughs. "You could always be like a prince regent; that's closer to a king."

"And spend all my time doing paper work? No thanks." I stare into her eyes and all my previous sorrow is pressed away into the background. It's still there, and I think it'll stay there for a very long time to come, but right now it doesn't bother me. I don't want to leave Historia, not ever.

"This probably isn't the best time for it, and it isn't official until I can produce a ring but..." I take a deep breath, step back and bend down onto one knee. "Historia, I love you. Will you marry me?"

She stares dumbfounded at me for a few moments, eyes filled with surprise. She moves her lips but no sound comes, and then it does. "Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!" she gasps hugging me madly. "Yes I will! Oh my goodness, you actually asked!"

"Yeah well," I say with a sideways grin, "I'd been thinking about it for a while and I just decided right then that I didn't want to wait any longer to ask."

"But wait, are we allowed to yet? I mean, aren't we still legally counted as minors?"

"In a few days I won't, and your birthday is only a month away from now. I think we can be engaged for at least a month don't you?"

"Yes of course! Oh my, what am I going to wear?"

"A dress I'd assume," I say with a laugh.

"Oh don't be stupid!" she says with a playful punch to my arm. "Who's going to perform the ceremony, where are we going to have it, who do I ask to be the bridesmaids? I don't have any little sisters, or even any young friends!"

"Calm down, calm down. We've got plenty of time to sort that out okay? Besides, we're still at war with Humanity's greatest enemy; there are other things we need to worry about."

"We are getting married!" she sputters. "I think that's a pretty big deal no matter when it is. We have to tell everyone don't we?"

"In the middle of the night? Maybe we should wait until the morning."

"You're probably right. Can we go in; it's freezing out here?"