Chapter Four

The Song

The club members sat in a tight group once Kita had left quiet abruptly. All of them were sure that it meant she wasn't willing to stay, but Yui had confidence in Kita.

"She didn't say that she was leaving yet, so lets not jump to conclusions," she reminded them.

"When can you speak to her again?" Mio asked her, desperate for the certain answer. "Don't you meet up with her in the bathroom?"

"The bathroom?" Mrs Sawa wore a mischievous smile. "Getting to know her a little better than the rest of us, eh Yui?"

"What? No! It's just the only place in the school that she can find without getting lost."

"Nice excuse."

Azusa broke into the conversation before Yui could retaliate. "At any rate, you need to speak to her, Yui. Try and get her to stay with us if she is having second thoughts."

Yui pressed a flat hand to her forehead in salute. "Of course, commander!"

For her efforts at being a smartass, she received a couch cushion to the face.

"If she does decide to stay, you girls have to be gentle with her," Mrs Sawa reminded them sternly as Yui pretended to be writhing in pain as she clutched her face.

Ritsu sat with her back against the bottom of the sofa. She tapped her drumsticks against her knee lazily. "I agree, but it's going to be difficult with her fainting and hyperventilating all of time," she said with a hint of frustration.

"I hate to, but I have to agree," Mio said, sighing. "We shouldn't speak like that, though. We're lucky she agreed to join in the first place, being so shy and all."

All of the girls fell into silence, but their opinions were in the air around them. They were worried about her state of mind and personality, but they were also desperate for a new member of the band. She could quiet easily become a dead weight on their shoulders, though, and neither of them wanted to admit this aloud.

"We'll teach her and make her stronger," Mugi said with unusual authority. All eyes turned to her but she held her determination. "If we work together, we can make her believe in herself, right?"

All of them exchanged glances, then one by one they nodded. They had travelled so far in their path of music together, so why would this be any different?

Of course, they had no idea what lied ahead of them.

The next day Yui found Kita in their usual meeting spot in the bathroom. At first Yui launched right to the point, grasping Kita's arm and practically begging her to stay.

"Oh, Kitty! Please, please, please stay with us! You were just nervous yesterday, and we were unprepared..." She trailed off as she focused properly on Kita.

Kita's eyes looked as though they were retreating into her skull. Thick black rings surrounded them, the whites of her eyes a puffy red. She looked as though she had been crying through the night instead of getting a good amount of sleep and forgetting the day.

"Kitty, what happened to you?" Yui asked, grasping her other arm lightly.

"Nothing," Kita lied. She had stayed up the entire night doing just what Yui suspected. She had been crying her eyes out about how pathetic she had been and how embarrassed she was, but she also cried for her mother. She always cried for her mother. Morning came and her tears ran out, but she had no will for sleep.

Yui pulled Kita into a hug, surprised at how weak and lifeless she was. ""Oh Kitty."

"You know, I'm still willing to stay in your club," Kita said as she rested her head on Yui's shoulder. She hadn't been hugged in a long time, and she wished that this embrace was last forever. It reminded her of how warm people could be.

Yui didn't release her, fearing that she would crumple to the ground. "The girls will be really glad to hear that. They really want to help you, you know."

Kita didn't think she would ever hear those words, and she wasn't sure if she believed them. That was how her mind worked. It picked things apart and took time to analyse them and believe them completely. Her first reaction was usually assuming the worst.

Yui slowly and carefully let Kita go, but she held onto her shoulder. "Do you want to spend the day in the medical office?" she offered. "I can get Mrs Sawa to write you a note."

"No!" Kita spoke the word so quickly that several girls that were passing through stopped to stare for a moment.

Yui's eyebrows rose. "Why?"

I... I'm scared of her," Kita muttered, casting her eyes to the floor. Could she be blamed after what had happened yesterday?"

Yui had to fight back a laugh. She remembered first seeing the photo of Mrs Sawa and how she had jumped back half a metre, but her shock soon disappeared as she became used to the woman's gentle and motherly side. She was just like a part of the group. "You'll get used to her, don't worry Kitty."

Kita brought her arms around her frail body and shivered at the traumatising memory of the teacher rushing in dressed like a creature from the darkest depths of her imagination.

"Hmm... Maybe we can just keep her away from you until you're ready then, alright?" Yui offered.

It seemed to calm Kita somewhat, and she dropped her arms to her sides.

The bell rang for the first lesson and students began to file out. Yui was swept away by the small crowd of girls but managed to shout out to Kita. "You'll be at the club today, right?"

Kita hesitated for a moment. She had been planning on missing it for today. Being rendered unconscious twice had left her with a headache, and she wanted to rest as soon as she got home from the hospital which meant she would have to visit her mother earlier. However, Yui looked desperate, and by the sounds of things the other girls wanted her there as well. That much she believed.

"Yeah," she said, deciding that this opportunity was still too much to pass up. "I'll be there."

Kita found herself in exactly the same place as yesterday. She was standing before the door of the music club, her knees buckling, her heart racing. There were voices inside, too quiet to understand. She took in a deep breath, convincing herself that they weren't about her.

She wondered if she would ever get used to this.

"Hey, you beat me again, Kitty!"

Kita turned to find Yui walked up the steps with her guitar slung over her back. She almost sighed with relief. Now she wouldn't have to enter alone.

Yui stopped in front of the door beside Kita. "You ready?" she asked, standing straight with her head held high.

Kita wished she could be as confident as Yui. "Yeah," she whispered.

"Then get ready for day two!" Yui pushed open the door on that welcoming note and strode into the Light Music Club room.

Mio, Ritsu, Mugi, and Azusa were all sitting at the table with an assortment of cakes and steaming cups of tea before them. Their chatter stopped as Yui walked in, Kita trying hard to hide behind her.

The girls all greeted Yui, but they had to bend over their chairs to wave to Kita.

Mio straightened with a frown on her face. "Uhh... is she going to be hiding like that all day?"

Yui looked over her shoulder at Kita and smiled. "Don't worry, these guys are nice, remember?"

Kita forced her feet to step around Yui and faced them. She raised a hand in greeting, then froze as she noticed their staring eyes and surprised faces.

"Kita, you look so ill," Mugi said, standing up with a cup of tea at the ready in her hands.

Kita shook her head and subconsciously stepped back away from them. "No, don't worry about it. I just didn't sleep that well, that's all."

"Have you slept for the past month?" Ritsu asked, her eyes wide.

Kita was about to blurt out the truth, which was that she barely had, but last night had done all of the damage. She had another worry that had kept her awake besides her mother, and that was the club.

Mio was on her feet, approaching. "Kita, are you sure you can handle today?" she asked seriously. "If you can't then you can just listen to us play again. We don't want to rush you."

Mio was taking the first steps at slowly beckoning Kita into the group. She was usually impatient and constantly needed thing to be done right away, but she was willing to give this idea a try and took the first step for the entire group.

Azusa stood with her. "Yeah, sit down and relax as much as you want. That's what Ritsu and Yui do all the time anyway."

Both girls gave looks of utter shock, then ran to each other with fake tears.

"Stop picking on us!" Ritsu yelled, pouting.

"Yeah! You're the ones always eating cakes!" Yui added, sulking.

"U-us?" Mio gasped, her eyes bulging. "Are you kidding me?"

Before she could stop herself, Kita had burst out laughing. She couldn't help it. Their faces were just too much for her.

The group exchanged smiles. It was a success so far, and they hadn't even needed to try. All they had to do was be themselves.

Then Yui pointed something out that made Kita's laughter stop. "You didn't bring any instruments again, did you?"

Kita's heart skipped a beat. "Oh, sorry. I forgot again." She felt herself going red. "I-I didn't do it on purpose. I'm really sorry."

"No, don't worry about it," Mugi said, coming over with the tea still in her hands. "You can borrow my keyboard and use your piano skills."

"Or maybe you could sing again?" Ritsu offered.

Instantly Mio's eyes bored into her. "Does she look like she can handle something like that in this state?"

"But we need another vocalist," Ritsu reminded her.

Azusa stepped in with her hands held up in front of her. "Please don't argue when we have a new member," she begged.

Kita could see it happening, an argument breaking out because of her. She felt the guilt like yesterday. She had joined their club to play music, yet she was too afraid to sing and was too forgetful to remember her instruments. She was already off to a bad start, and she didn't want to make it worse.

"I'll sing again, so please don't yell at each other," she said quickly, her shaking hands clutched together.

Yui came over to her, her hands reached out to grasp her shoulders. "Kitty, are you sure? We really don't mind if you don't want to sing."

Kita knew that they did mind. They were desperate for a new singer more than anything else, and they needed her voice. She needed to impress them. "I'll do it, Yui. Don't worry."

"Have some tea first!" Mugi demanded, handing her the cup. She refused to let her take a step until she had drunk it all, so she forced it down her dry throat fast.

"What song will you sing?" Ritsu asked as she set up the microphone for Kita. It was the first time any of them had seen her willing, but she was aware of how much they needed another voice in their songs. She was in a hurry to prepare the girl and get her brave enough to at least show them her voice.

Kita thought for a moment, wanting to sing a song that required a soft voice. She felt better when she started off slow and light, so she sifted through all of the suitable songs in her imaginary file.

Finally, she found one.

When Yui's mother had first been admitted to the hospital, things had looked bad for her. The doctors hadn't been able to hide the fact that she could very well die even though Kita was too young for such information. She had cried and cried at her mother's bedside as the woman she needed the most lay unconscious. Soon the tears began to lessen, and the sobs turned into words. She didn't know why she sang or where the song came from, but her heart was in every word, and her mother opened her eyes for the first time in days.

"Kita? Are you okay?"

Kita blinked and realised that Mio was staring at her closely.

"S-sorry!" she gasped. "I was just daydreaming for a second."

Ristu was standing at the microphone, her hands on her hips. "Maybe we should get some cushions on the ground in case she faints again," she suggested.

"Maybe I should give her some cake?" Mugi added to the ideas, changing her mind from the tea for once.

Kita shook her head. She didn't want them to fuss over her. "No, no, It's alright. I'll be fine as long as long as Mrs Sawa doesn't come in."

Immediately Yui rushed over to the door and locked it. "There we go. Now it's just us."

Just us. Those words made Kita's small flames of confidence dwindle, but she couldn't back out now. Just one song and it'll be over. One song and you can go to the hospital. They can't be mad about that.

Ritsu turned the microphone an inch more so they would be able to see Kita better when she sang. "Well, if you're ready, go for it."

Just like yesterday, the girls piled onto the couch and snacked on cake. Kita stepped up to the microphone, her usual nervous reactions taking place inside of her. She gripped the microphone hard, the holder pressing into her skin.

"Deep breaths," Mio reminded her.

Yui tried to share her own words of comfort, but they were lost in translation as her mouth was stuffed with cake.

They're all counting on me, Kita reminded herself. I have to show them that I'm willing to try, and I have to show myself.

She placed her other hand over the microphone and sang the first words. Again her voice started as barely more than a whisper, but as the first memory of her mother lying in that hospital bed rose before her eyes, her voice became stronger.

The machines surrounding her mother whirred and beeped. Each time they made a sound, Kita jumped in alarm. She felt her heart pumping fast in her chest, and she became hyper aware of everything.

The girls on the couch slowly began to smile as Kita's voice became louder and clearer. This was her own song, and they began to realise that they had also found another lyricist.

Kita's voice echoed in her mind as well as she began to sing that day in the hospital.

"Rain that slowly falls down on me."

"None of it can wash away the tears I cry."

"This world will spin after you have flown away."

"And I am left with the memory of your shining wings."

Kita's eyes began to close as she blocked out the world and focused on her memory. She saw her mother's face, pale white, her mouth an emotionless line. Her breaths were short and forced, and Kita was sure she could see her life draining away.

"Shut them all away."

"Lock the memories in my heart."

"Break down the dawn today."

"And forget who you are."

Even as the tears started to flow in reality and she heard the girl's begin to whisper in urgency, she continued to sing. The lyrics of the song had remained in her head since that day, and she felt the familiar itch to let them out.

"They speak as though they don't know that I am there."

"I am a shadow that walks with no place but despair."

"Every beat of my heart is a closer step to the end."

I have nothing more in my life to defend."

"Kita, stop."

Kita's memory of her mother shattered in her mind's eye, and reality crashed back into her. She fell back a startled step, but Mio caught her around the shoulders.

"That's enough, Kita," she said softly. "You can stop now."

Tears rolled down Kita's face, tears that she couldn't hide. She brushed them away hastily as the other striken girls approached.

"Kitty!" Yui cried, pulling her into a suffocating hug again. "Don't sing songs that make you cry!"

An embarrassed Ristu scratched her neck absently. "I didn't mean to pressure you into something sad like that," she admitted.

Kita's cheeks blushed and she wiped again at her shining eyes. "Don't worry about it, really. It just... made me remember something from my childhood." She stepped carefully, still wanting the information of her mother to stay close to herself.

Mugi pushed past Yui with a piece of cake at the end of her fork. "Open wide. This'll make you feel better."

Knowing she wouldn't be able to get out of it, Kita opened her mouth obediently and allowed Mugi to feed her. The cake was bland as the memory remained to plague her, but she forced a smile onto her face and pretended it had cured her problems completely.

If only it could make her mother better.

"Here." Azusa handed her a tissue. She held onto the box just in-case more were needed.

"Thank you, everyone," Kita said quietly, unsure of where this odd sympathy they showed came from. "Really, though, I'm okay."

"What happened to you that was so bad you had to cry when you sang that song?" Ritsu asked.

Kita shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing. Don't worry about it." She felt the need to run away again, to get out away from these people before they found out what was really tainting her inside. Her eyes went to the door.

"You're not leaving, are you?" Yui asked, knowing how unstable Kita looked before the bolted.

"I have to, I'm sorry."

Mio released her shoulders. "It's alright. You did really well today, Kita. You have a really good voice, and those lyrics were amazing."

Kita waved her hand loosely. "No, it was just some old silly song that I thought of years ago. It's nothing to praise."

Mugi had gathered Kita's bag and passed it to her with a wrapped up piece of cake sitting on top. "For the walk home," she said with a sweet smile.

Kita took the cake and her bag gratefully and headed towards the door. She stopped and turned back to them all for a moment. "Everyone, I still want to stay in this club if you'll allow me."

They all nodded enthusiastically.

"Come back when you can, okay?" Yui said, though it sounded more like an order.

They all still looked unsure, as though wondering if she was really okay. However, they knew they couldn't keep her there against her will. They waved goodbye, hoping that the next time they would meet, she would be perhaps at least a little stronger.

Kita disappeared out of the door, and again an awkward silence fell.

Everyone was thinking the same thing: What past tragedy had made her so sad?