Chapter Five
Breaking the Ice
The rain and wind outside buffeted against the window harshly. Kita sat beside it, her hand resting against the sill as she watcher her mother's every breath. She knew that she was supposed to be at school, but some days she was allowed to spend her time at the hospital. She had told the principle of her absence and her reason, the only person she could tell, and was given the 'okay.'
She often only thought of her mother at times like this. She didn't worry about the responsibilities she had to take on such as when she would fit in her homework with the chores, or when the next bill was due. However, this time was different. This time she found herself wondering about the Light Music Club and her performance yesterday.
Somehow she had expected them to be cruel about her song, and yet again she had been proven wrong. They had showed her sympathy and kindness, and she wondered when she would accept that maybe they were good people after all. Perhaps never. She was too well protected behind her shield.
A roar of thunder seemed to shake the foundations of the hospital, and Kita's mother's eyes shot open.
Kita was at her side in a second. "Mother? Are you okay? Do you need anything?"
Her mother's clammy hand pat her gently on the arm. "Don't worry... yourself, Kita... I was just... startled..."
"Mum..." She was getting worse. She could barely speak now without pausing between words. Kita had to force herself to stay standing instead of crumpling to the floor. Giving up was so easy, but as soon as she did, her mother would follow.
"How did... things go yesterday? Have you... become friends with them... yet?" her mother asked, her voice hoarse.
Kita blinked hard, loosening the tears in her eyes. Before they fell she wiped them away with her hands. "I don't know if they like me enough to call me a friend, but I sang for them and they seemed to like it. They seem to be genuinely caring."
"Is that... so?" Her mother's smile would always bring light into her no matter how dim it was. "You stepped out of... your comfort... and sang for them... I am proud of you... Kita..."
"Thank you, mum. Really, I love making you happy. That's all I want." Kita had to swallow down a sob that rose in her throat. Her mother caught her distress and her hand lifted to touch her daughters. She was cold an Kita warmed her hand with her own.
"Don't cry for me, Kita... Please... just be yourself... because I won't go... anywhere."
Those words stayed with her, the promise that she wouldn't leave. It kept Kita from the dark despair that lingered around her heart, and she delved in the light of comfort it offered.
At the end of the day Kita left the hospital for the school. Rain fell upon me, her coat doing nothing to keep it out. Her fringe was mattered in front of her eyes and she soon gave up from wiping away the soaking strands. She kept her head down and walked on.
Kita hated to leave her mother in the condition she was in. It pained her, and she could see the matching longing in the dying woman's eyes for her to stay, but it had been her mother in the end whom had persuaded her to go through with the promise she had made to herself that morning and head down to the club.
She glanced down at her watch, shielding it with a hand. It was almost time for the school day to end and the clubs to begin. Her step quickened. She needed to be there to prove to them that she was serious, and to prove to herself, yet again, that she really could commit herself to something that she feared. She could open up. She could.
The school bell rang in her ears as she faced it around the corner. Girls exited through the gates where she ran past into the school. They stared at her, the drenched, miserable, lonely girl whom looked like she was desperate to get some learning done. Kita ignored their piercing eyes and raced into the building.
She was getting used to where the music room was already, and found it within minutes. She panted as she reached the door, but didn't let herself hesitate this time. She pushed open the door, looked about the room to make sure that she wasn't too late, and then cried out like a little girl.
Mrs Sawa was standing next to Yui, gripping her guitar and slamming her fingertips down on the metallic strings. She resembled the photo so much that Kita's nightmares erupted before her again and twisted reality. Mrs Sawa had her tongue poking out, forked at the end. Her eyes were wild with a burning red fire. She wore chain and black clothes as a blaze danced behind her. Slowly she lifted her head.
"It's Kita, right?"
Kita jerked back to the real world and the photographs impression was gone. In it's place was Mrs Sawa, a normal teacher if not still unusually attractive.
"No sudden movements, Mrs Sawa." Ritsu warned, holding her hands up for emphasis "She scares easily."
Mrs Sawa handed back the guitar to Yui and stepped closed to Kita, taking Ritsu's advice and using slow movements. Kita felt a little insulted, but she was also calmed. "I'm Mrs Sawa to you girls." The teacher said. "Its nice to meet you properly this time, Kita." She extended a hand.
Kita reached out and shook her hand formally. She felt a little better about her, seeing the side of her that was kind and not psychopathic and twisted.
"It's nice to see you're not fainting this time," Azusa said, stepping over to the teacher and the new band member with her guitar cradled in her hands. "And it's good to see you turned up to the band practice today. We were all wondering where you were."
Ritsu snorted from where she sat against the couch. "No one wondered as much as Yui, though."
Kita turned to Yui who had gone bright red. "I.. I thought you might have quiet the club," she muttered.
Her constant concern for Kita, whether focused on her position in the band or not, was touching. At least she could be certain that Yui was her friend. "No, I'm still willing to stay if you can all put up with my fainting and such."
It was then that she caught the flickering glances between them all. Mio, whom had been watching from her place at the microphone bored her eyes into Ritsu's back until she turned and gave the slightest nod. From across the room Azusa gave them both a silent look, and Mugi, whom had been drinking tea at the table, glanced at all three of them with the faintest of smiles. Then everything went back to normal.
Kita cleared her throat, trying to calm herself down as her mind filled with the worst thoughts. "Is something wrong?" she asked.
Mio jumped in surprise at her question and shook her head quickly. "No, no, it's just... Well..."
Ritsu, never one to miss a beat, took over for her. "We wanted to know what upset you so much yesterday when you sang that song."
Kita had misjudged their looks. She was sure that they were considering kicking her from the club because of her shy and cowardly personality, but instead they were wondering something else that turned her heart to ice. They wanted the truth.
"I told you... It was something from my childhood," she said quietly, turning her shoulder to them to try and shake them from her back.
Yui came over, pushing past Mrs Sawa who looked saddened by Kita's reaction. "Kitty, don't be like that! You can tell us no matter how bad it is!"
"No, Yui," Mio said sternly, coming over from the side of the room. "I was just worried that it may effect her if we had her sing it again." She gave Kita a warm smile. "You see, we think you did really well. The lyrics were fantastic, and so was your voice. I was just worried that if we were to add it to our song list, that you wouldn't be able to play it again without becoming emotional."
Ritsu sighed and slapped a hand to her forehead. "Sorry, I guess I just got curious and said the wrong thing. Still, you really don't want to tell us?"
Mio shot her one of her 'shut-up' looks. "She doesn't have to if it bothers her."
Kita shook her head . "Sorry, but it's a little personal. I can play it again if you liked it that much though. I can handle it."
It was Mugi's turn to be motherly. She rose form the table and came over with a fresh cup of tea ready for Kita. "Are you sure? We don't want to press it on you."
It took some convincing and cups of tea to let them know that if it came to it, Kita would even be able to play it live let alone in this club room. Of course, she had barely thought of playing in front of anyone other than these girls, and once they had mentioned school performances it seemed so obvious that it was compulsory. She shoved it in the back of my mind. She could worry about that later. Much later.
Kita settled into the warmth of the room, Ristu acting like a gentleman despite her gender and taking her coat to hang up. She sat at the table with ll of the girls and Mrs Sawa eating cake and drinking tea as they discussed the day's practice.
"I think we should play something together today," Azusa suggested, jumping into the deep end. "You brought an instrument this time, right Kita?"
Kita had been carrying around a violin tucked away in her coat. She had strapped it on the inside and pulled it out from the hanger. She opened it up at the table to reveal a gleaming dark wood violin.
"Wow, it's beautiful," Mio breathed, her fingers resting some inches away as though she were afraid she would stain it with her touch. "How much did it cost?"
Kita shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. "I got it years ago as a birthday present, so I have no idea."
"It looks expensive." Yui hovered over her shoulder, peering closely at the instrument with hunger in her eyes. "I wish I could play."
"Well, this is perfect!" Mugi exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "Now we can all play together, right?"
Excitement broke out at the table, but in one corner it was dimmed. Yui and Ritsu laid back lazily in their chairs, moaning.
"It's too cold!" Ritsu cried.
"I'm too tired!" Yui added.
Azusa crossed her arms over her chest. "Ritsu, I thought you were in a hurry to get a new band member who could sing and play different instruments."
Ritsu let out another moan. "I changed my mind. She's already great. She doesn't need practice."
Kita took a moment to glance at Mrs Sawa, wondering if she would step in. Instead she snacked on a smooth spoonful of pudding, watching with an amused smile on her face. Was she teaching them to sort it out on their own, or using it as entertainment?
Mio looked as though the vein in her neck would explode. She stood up quickly from her chair and took a deep breath before the storm came. "You two will get up and play something, or I will ban you from having cakes for a month, president or not!"
This caught their attention. They both leapt out of her chairs and scrambled to their instruments. Yui's hands were flying as they attacked the strings, and Ritsu was a blur behind the drums. Never had Kita seen them so energetic.
With an ambulance on dial in-case the pair went completely out of control, Mio strode over to her own guitar and slipped the strap over her body. "Come on everyone. Lets show Mrs Sawa how good we've all become. Also, Kita, Azusa made this for you last night."
Mio handed the new girl a music sheet for the violin that matched their song. Kita skimmed the paper with a smile growing on her face. She would be able to play perfectly now. She looked up to see Azusa giving her an encouraging grin.
"Thank you," Kita said, grasping her violin to join the others.
"Azusa's really talented when it comes to writing down music like that," Yui said, itching to play now that she was off of her backside with her guitar in her arms.
Azusa's face went red and she shook her head quickly. "No, I just happened to have learnt the violin when I was very young. It broke a few years later though and I never bothered to buy a new one again. I'm probably awful at playing it now."
"Enough talk, more playing!" Ritsu ordered, her hands swinging with the drum sticks tight in her grasp. "My cakes in danger of Mrs Sawa's mouth right now!"
From across the room, Mrs Sawa sat at the table, frozen with her hand in the ceased process of dragging Ritsu's loaded plate towards her. She quickly straightened and pushed it away, putting on an innocent face. "Alright girls, show me what you can do!" she said with exaggerated enthusiasm.
"Figures," Ritsu muttered. She lifted her drumsticks into the air and began to countdown.
Just before the music started, Yui gave Kita the 'thumbs up,' and mouthed you'll do great.
Kita stood behind Mio to the left where she was in view of the entire audience that today thankfully only consisted of Mrs Sawa. Already she could feel her stage nerves, but knowing that these girls were counting on her and that Yui believed in her fed her bravery.
The countdown began. Ritsu's voice carried through the room. "One...Two... Three... Four!"
Kita glued her eyes to the sheet that rested on a stand before her. She blocked out the rest of the music as best she could, but it was like barricading a stampeding beast behind a block of wood. Her concentration broke, but her hands knew what they were doing. She played each note with furious desperation.
The melodies and tones all faded together around her, but her sound was the loudest, ringing in her very heart. Each stroke over the strings was another cry from her violin, a short happy cry that told the gleeful story of the song.
Every time Kita played the violin she became lost in the music. She no longer had to think or focus. She simply let her hands guide the bow over the violin. It answered her call and gave her the tones that she summoned.
The final notes for her violin came. She dragged out the last to lead the song to its finish, taking it from the clutches of the other girls and controlling it on her own. As the other instruments faded out and she continued, she became aware that they were all concentrating on her.
Be strong, be strong! She urged herself inside. Just a few more seconds and its over!
She let the note sing for a few more hurried heartbeats, then lifted the bow. It was over. She had done it, and as applause erupted around her felt pride swelling inside of her.
"Well done, Kita!" Mio was at Kita's side, standing proud and tall. Yui threw herself into Kita's arms and hung off of her like a monkey.
Ritsu was at the table, nibbling on the cake she had saved from Mrs Sawa's sticky fingers. "Good work! It sounded awesome!"
Mugi had another cup of tea ready that she almost spilled in her hurry towards Kita. "Here," she said, straightening herself. "Just in case it was too much. You can never be too sure."
Azusa pushed into the small group and grasped Kita's shoulder affectionately. "I don't think that couldn't have gone any better."
Kita wasn't used to this praise and pride. She hugged her violin tighter to her chest and gave small words of gratitude. She had been accepted and the feeling was enough to make her want to both cry in glee and vomit in embarrassment. She shrunk away from their staring eyes and stepped back, but gentle hands caught her arms.
"Hey, you don't need to run away," Mrs Sawa said as she held Kita softly. "That was some of the best music I have heard in this room."
"Does that mean the rest of the music was horrible?" Yui asked with her face already pulled into a pout.
Mrs Sawa lifted her hands from Kita in a stance of defence. "No, that's not it! I just think it was missing something, and Kita here is that missing link." Her hands fell again onto Kita's shoulders as though presenting her.
The other girls all stood back to get a good look at the new face in their group. Ritsu and Yui both stood together to picture her on a poster, whilst Azusa gave her words of encouragement. To Kita, they looked as equally amazed in her as she was in herself.
Mrs Sawa pulled away from Kita and stood with her hands on her hips, smiling. "You know, I don't think there was anything wrong with the way you played, but there are some things that I could still teach you."
Kita's pulse suddenly throbbed rapidly. She was no longer afraid of this woman, but she knew her even less than the rest of the girls in the band. She swallowed, trying to soothe her dry throat. "I-uhh... Are you sure? I mean... I don't want to trouble you."
"Don't worry about it," Mrs Sawa assured her. "I haven't played the violin for years, and I would love to get my hands on one again." She spoke quiet literally, her hands reaching out hungrily for Kita's instrument. "And yours is so shiny and beautiful..."
Mio cleared her throat and Mrs Sawa paused. "Um, Mrs Sawa, we would appreciate it if you didn't scare off our new band member."
New band member. Kita had never realised how nice the name sounded. She tasted it on her tongue as she whispered it to herself. "New band member."
"You never let me have any fun!" Mrs Sawa argued. She let out a long breath before straightening up. "Well, what do you say about that, Kita? Would you like me to teach you?"
Kita couldn't see a safe way out of this. She couldn't say 'no' to a teacher and she was sure that she could use some extra hints to keep up with the band's style of music. "Okay. I could use some practice."
Mrs Sawa's eyes brightened. "Good! I may be a little rusty, but I think I could still remember how to play the bow with my teeth, or to death scream while playing. " Seeing Kita's horrified face, she quickly stepped back. "Sorry, sorry, I'll keep it basic for you."
Mrs Sawa meant business when she announced teaching Kita. She immediately got to work, pulling Kita over to the side as the girls split, Azusa and Mio tuning their instruments and the other three snacking at the table.
"Hold the bow tighter for this part. Not too tight. Here, that's it." Mrs Sawa grasped Kita's hands gently and squeezed her fingers tighter over the wood. "Now strum it across fast three times in the centre of the strings."
Kita decided that Mrs Sawa was not as frightening as she had initially thought. She was friendly with her instructions and guided her with gentle hands and words. Kita knew that the woman was being careful not to provoke her dark emotions. She appreciated this of course, and it was that gratitude that calmed her.
Mio watched Kita as she sat on the couch beside Mugi, taking a short break. The pair of them sipped their tea in silent but comfortable company. Mio was too busy thinking about Kita to strike up a conversation. Thoughts swirled through her head, always resting on the little information she had on this girl. She was such a closed up person, revealing only tiny pieces of herself and keeping much of it behind impenetrable walls.
"She's sweet, isn't she," Mugi said. It wasn't a question.
"You mean Kita?" Mio asked.
Mugi nodded her head. She set her tea cup back onto the small circular plate and glanced at Kita as she nodded her head to Mrs Sawa's questions. "She is the shyest person I have ever met, but at least she is opening up to one of us."
Mio shook her head. "Opening up or doing what she's told? Mugi, I'm not sure about her. Is she strong enough to play in a band? She faints at almost everything, she always looks sick, and she has a secretive past that puts her in tears."
"Are you regretting allowing her in our band?" Mugi asked, looking a little saddened.
Mio shook her head again. "No, that's not it. I just don't want to see her getting hurt emotionally of physically. Also, I don't want her to put a weight on our band, intentionally or not. I don't want any of us to suffer out of this decision."
"So what should we do?" a voice suddenly asked.
Both Mugi and Mio jumped as Yui appeared at the side of the couch.
"Well, what should we do?" she asked again.
Mio laid back again as she calmed from the surprise and turned to watch Kita. "We wait and see what happens, I guess. I really do want to help her, Yui, but I don't want this band to be a bad thing for her. If it does start to effect her like that, than I will have to-"
"Kick her out?" It was Ritsu this time breathing down Mio's neck.
Mio jumped with a startled yell. "Ritsu, you idiot!"
Ritsu grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "I'm right though, aren't I? You'll have to kick her out."
Mio knew that it sounded cruel and answered quietly with caution. "Yes, but I will do my best to make her feel welcome, like the rest of you should."
Nods went around the group, including Azusa who always seemed to be hovering around the room. None of them wanted to make the decision of severing a club member from the band.
Ritsu spoke up as soon as Kita's violin playing was loud enough to hide her words. "I should be the one making these executive decisions, should I?" she asked, giving Mio a long, hard look. "Are you trying to be the president?"
Mio's eyes bulged. "No! It's not like that!"
"Hmm... Really?" Ritsu brought her face close up to Mio's. "Really, really, really?"
"Ritsu, I hate it when you do that!" Mio growled, pushing her back.
"Hey, careful where those hands go, Mio!" Ritsu laughed.
"Ritsu!"
By the end of the Kita's lessons, the sun was going down. She glanced over at the cough to see Mio and Ritsu arguing. Or rather Mio doing all of the yelling and Ritsu provoking her.
"Alright, that should do for today," Mrs Sawa announced, leaning against the window. "You did great, Kita."
Another burst of pride flamed to life inside of Kita. It seemed that all of them had been happy with her performance today, and it only convinced her to stay longer. She could already feel the sense of belonging beginning to build, a feeling that she had been without for too long.
The sun shone in Kita's eyes and she shielded them hastily. Seeing it so low in the sky warned her of the time, and she glanced at Mrs Sawa's wrist watch to see that the time had well and truly escaped her.
"Oh no," she gasped, panic returning. "I have to go. I have too much to do at home."
"Again?" Mrs Sawa asked. "What's so important that you have to leave early all of the time."
"Mrs Sawa!" Ritsu hissed, finally tired of teasing Mio. "Don't scare her!"
The teacher's arms dropped from her chest. "Oh, I didn't mean to," she said, reaching out to grasp Kita's shoulder lightly. "I just wanted to know if there was anything we could help you with so you could stay with us longer."
Kita could feel the tears pricking her eyes already. "You want to help me?" she blurted, not used to someone caring enough to want to offer their assistance.
Mrs Sawa looked surprised at Kita's words. "Of course."
"That's right, Kita." The other girls had approached, Ritsu leading the group with a wide smile on her face. "That's what friends do for each other."
"Friends?" Kita could barely believe she had heard such a word. It had been so long since she had been able to use it. It would take longer to believe it.
"Do you really have to go?" Yui asked, clasping Kita's arm. "Can't you stay for a little longer?" She lifted her eyes that were shining with crocodile tears. She wore her most effective puppy dog face, the one that made the others roll their eyes. They had seen it hundreds of times.
Kita hated to leave them like this again, but she had to hurry to the hospital. She didn't want to leave her mother wondering what had happened to her, or worse, wondering if she wasn't going to come at all.
"Sorry everyone, but I have a lot of house work to do."
"Man," Ritsu said, sighing. "You're parents must be tough."
Kita's breath caught. "No... no, they're alright," she said as casually as she could.
If only my mother was tough on me like that. What I wouldn't give to have her at home, barking orders at me like some mothers do instead of being the lifeless woman in that hospital bed.
What I wouldn't give...
"Kita," Mio said, stepping in front of the group. She held Kita's bag and passed it into her hands. "You know you can tell us anything, right?"
The tears were on the brink of Kita's eyelids now. She blinked rapidly, knowing that they could see through her cover. "I-I have to go," she whispered, swinging her bag over her back and heading towards the door.
"Kita, wait."
Azusa's hand had caught her arm. Kita froze on the spot, not trusting her emotions to stay calm if she turned to see the others.
"Kita, no matter what has happened or is happening to you... you have us now," Azusa said.
"That's right!" Ritsu added.
Yui hugged Kita from behind. "See? You're halfway to opening up, Kita!"
Before Kita could move, Mio stepped over to stand in front of her, Mugi at her side.
"Just try your best, Kita," Mio said, the words taking a deep meaning. "That's all we can ask."
Mugi nodded in agreement, holding out another piece of wrapped cake labelled 'for the road' on the side in pen.
With shaking hands Kita took the wrapped cake. "Thank you," she breathed. "I... I will try my best." Without another word or glance at the others, Kita rushed out of the door and down the stairs. She didn't stop running until she was outside of the school where she fell to her knees and cried.
If only she could try her best. If only she could accept the friendship of these girls. If only she could believe in herself and them.
Kita's tears fell until she was gasping for air. Her body ached with every breath and she curled up on herself. "I wish I could be stronger than this," she whispered. "I wish I could open up and let people in."
Years had passed with Kita being the cold, silent girl with no friends and no will to make any. She had shut everyone out to protect her from more pain. She still had a dwindling fire of hope that this band would change her.
Unfortunately, fate was not yet finished with Kita.