Chapter Eleven
Here For You
Kita's memory was fuzzy when she opened her eyes. Everything looked different. She couldn't hear the waves from the sea, nor could she feel Yui's hands tugging at her in her sleep. She looked at the roof that was lighter than the one she had stared at the day before. She had been moved, and she began to remember why.
Her mother was dead. The wound that seared her heart began to burn again and she pressed a hand to her chest. The song she had sung those years ago at her bedside bleared inside of her mind. She had faced her worst fear, but she had failed. She had gone down to the sea to feel that release again. She had been so desperate.
A snore to her left caught her attention and she sat up to see Mrs Sawa sleeping in a bed beside hers, her mouth hanging open slackly. Kita couldn't help but feel grateful that she had been willing to stay to keep an eye on her, but it made her wonder how worried she had made her friends.
Her stomach was empty, and she needed to fill it. She stepped out of her bed and headed towards the stairs, trying to fit the pieces of the night back together.
She could recall the conversation on the phone almost perfectly, every word being another knife shoved deeply into her heart. They twisted now as she thought the words again, the icy fate that she now faced. Everything had been for nothing. The sacrifice she had made by pushing the world away seemed pointless. Her mother had promised her that she would remain, and Kita should have known that she was lying, that it was impossible. She only wished that the impossible had been possible just this once, just for her.
She walked down the stairs as quietly as she could, her eyes resting on the sleeping forms of her friends sprawled out on the living room carpet. She reached the landing and slunk across, her feet soft on the floorboards. Their faces were blank as they rested, but she could see tears stained on Yui's and Azusa's faces. She had hurt them more than the others with her act, and she began to wonder if it was such a good idea in the end. Where had it gotten her, after all? Nowhere.
There was a surprise waiting for Kita in the kitchen. She wasn't the only one up. Mio, not expecting any of the others to feel up to cooking after the night's scare, was cooking scrambled eggs and toast for them all. She jumped at the sound of Kita's startled gasp and the pair turned to stare at each other, questions hanging in the air between them.
Mio was the first to remember what Mrs Sawa had said about not approaching Kita about her mother's death. She locked away the questions she burned to answer and instead shared a normal greeting with her. "Morning, Kita. Breakfast will be ready in a little while, so if you want to rest some more go ahead."
Kita almost fell backwards into one of the kitchen chairs. Surely they would have worked it out by now about her mother, and even then, she had almost died! Why was Mio acting as though that were nothing?
The eggs sizzled as they began to burn, and Mio let out a swear. She was acting out of character, and it all began to make sense to Kita. That's what it was. An act.
Mio faced her again, her smile refusing to falter, but it screamed out 'fake.' "Did you want to help? I-it's fine if you don't, s-so don't worry... Uhh, actually, forget I asked! You don't want to help out!"
If Kita had been in the mood, she would have laughed. Mio should be the last person to pretend that the events of the night had been nothing at all. "So you know?" she asked, trying to sound calm when her heart was still tearing with the news. "You know that my mum died?"
Mio almost bit on her tongue in surprise, her next words to try and keep up the charade dying in her throat. "K-Kita... Yeah, I heard the nurse on your phone, and Mrs Sawa filled us in on the rest..."
Kita nodded her head, loosening the first tears. "I see. I should have seen it coming all of this time, but you can't prepare for it. You really can't."
"Kita, I need to know," Mio said, standing close behind her friend as she turned to hide her tears. "Were you trying to kill yourself last night? Please, tell me, because I can't believe that you were."
Kita's heart pounded in her ears. Was she trying to kill herself? Surely not, but she just couldn't remember clearly. She paused for a moment to think, swimming through the thick mess of thoughts. She had been standing with the water lapping at her feet hungrily. She needed a release, but just for the moment. The water had calmed her so well before that she headed out looking for that momentary serenity. She had not been looking for death.
"No," she said finally, shaking her head in disgust. "No, I just wanted to forget everything for a moment, but I didn't want to die out there."
Before Kita could prepare herself, Mio had thrown her arms around her and hugged her tightly. "Thank God. I... we all thought..." She let out a long breath and stayed silent.
Kita's tears began to fall freely as she wrapped her arms around Mio. Never had she thought that they would be so scared for her life. Never had she expected them to act like this around her. The touching moment meant more to Kita than anyone could ever understand, for she felt that she truly was not alone anymore.
"Well this is touching."
Both Mio and Kita jumped back as though they had done something wrong. Standing at the side of the kitchen was Ritsu with her hands on her hips, smiling suspiciously. Behind her the other girls crept forward, wrapped in blankets, wearing emotions on their faces that ranged form guilt to relief.
"Kitty, I'm so happy that you're okay!" Yui gasped as she ran full speed at the girl and jumped into her arms. She cried on her shoulder and laughed at the same time, leaving her in hiccups. "And I'm so glad that you were just out for a swim."
'Out for a swim' was still not the way that Kita would have put it, but at least the girl understood that death wasn't the real goal she had been searching for.
Ritsu nodded her head in agreement, her smirk fading. "You even had me scared out there, Kita."
Azusa was crying, and Mugi draped an arm around her trembling shoulders and said, "It's alright now. She's okay."
"I-I know," Azusa whimpered. "But I-I shouldn't have snapped at her."
"Do you blame Azusa?" Ritsu asked Kita.
Kita was shocked at the question. "No, of course not."
"See," Ritsu said, turning to Azusa and giving her the thumbs up. "Everything is okay."
Azusa looked to Kita and although the girl looked just how she felt, as though she had lost the dearest person to her, she still nodded her head to tell Azusa that it was okay.
"We're all sorry anyway," Mio said. "For anything we said that might have upset you, or for ever becoming impatient with you."
They all cared. That was a hard concept for Kita to understand. It couldn't get far past the sadness that pulsed inside of her that her mother's death had left her with, but she couldn't stop herself from smiling either.
Mrs Sawa entered the kitchen then, making it quite crowded. "Good to see you're still here," she said.
The room was buzzing with relief and the general warmth of caring, but Kita was deeply saddened by not only her mother's recent death, but also by the words that hung on the end of the tongue now.
"I should have told you all," she said, forcing the words out as she pushed the sadness deeper inside. They needed to hear this. "You were trying to hard to be my friends and I couldn't even tell you something important like this. If I did, you could have helped me."
Yui was the speaker for the entire group. "No, Kitty. We know that you had it tough and shut out the world to make things easier. You were used to concealing that sort of thing, so don't worry about that. We don't blame you."
"Besides," Mugi added, pushing forward to pass an early morning cup of tea to Kita. "We were willing to give you time to open up to us. It still makes no difference. If we need to, we'll wait, but we will always be beside you anyway."
Kita's tears of sorrow ended and instead they fell filled with hope. She felt that new faith blooming inside. It was small at first, but she knew that with time it would grow. She had lost her mother and with her also the most important relationship to her in the world, but in it's place she could build these new friendships.
For their sake as much as hers, she would try.
It was decided that the girls would stay behind for another day to stabilise Kita and prepare her for living in the normal world again without her mother. It was also giving them a chance to get more practice in, much to Ritsu's dismay.
Mrs Sawa, being in charge of the students, had been the one to give the 'okay' for the idea. "I'm happy to keep an eye on you kids for another day, but on one condition." She turned to Kita, her hands on her hips. "Don't scare the hell out of me like that again, okay?"
Ritsu snorted. "Yeah, Mrs Sawa's too old to have many shocks like that. She might just have a heart attack and keel over."
The teacher raised a fist in the air that hovered over the teenager's head. "Say that again, I dare you," she threatened.
Azusa was trying hard to stay on Kita's good side by doing her favours and speaking politely. Although it was over the top and a little unnerving, she wouldn't stop and Kita decided that it was better than her being sour.
Yui was clinging onto Kita, quite literally. She wouldn't let go of her, and she only tightened her embrace every time the beach was mentioned as though she would have another episode of emotional outbreak and run into the surf again. It seemed that agreeing to the term that Mrs Sawa had set was not enough for all of them.
To pass the spare time they now had and to also try and beckon some sort of musical practice, Mio proposed that they play some music that afternoon.
Ritsu let out a groan that echoed throughout the entire house.
"Why did you join the band?" Mio asked again.
Ritsu shrugged. "I have no idea anymore."
"Too bad, we need the practice." Mio rose and looked towards Kita. "It's alright with you, isn't it?"
Kita was getting tired of them treating her as though she were fragile, but as the day wore on, she realised that she was breaking quite easily. Her thoughts were all over the place, ending quite abruptly and leaving her disorientated when they travelled toward the death of her mother. She knew that putting it off would make it harder to accept later on, but she couldn't ruin the time she had here. She could feel the sadness and fear twisting her stomach into knots but she let it continue. If she questioned it, the pain would be too raw to take.
Upstairs in the music room, she began to understand how hard it was to ignore such a massive truth. It had blown a hole in the world that she lived in. Everything as going to change. She began to become unsettled as she sat and waited for the others to prepare, but it was music that calmed her down again.
Mugi had started playing without warning, catching the other girls off guard. They turned to her with questioning looks on their faces and she nodded her head towards Kita who had her knees drawn to her chest, her eyes elsewhere as she fell into her thoughts.
"We need to play something for her," Yui said, her voice strangled with sadness for her friend.
Mio nodded her head and pulled the microphone up to her level. "Something happy, but not too jumpy... How about Ballpoint Pen?"
As the music began, Kita slowly surfaced back to the peaceful side of reality, stowing away her mother's painful death and listening instead to the music. She could feel it's vibration through the room as it filled her inside, replacing the creeping darkness. When she was attending her old school, a teacher had told her that everyone has something special that makes them feel happy when they are sad. Of course, she was in grade school and that was years ago, but the information stuck with her. Music was her cure, and she took the entire dose as her friends played for her.
The band put everything into their music and Mrs Sawa watched them as she leaned casually against the wall on the opposite side of the room. She nodded her head to the music, thinking of what a wonderful feeling pride was. She knew that she could count on them to take care of Kita.
Once the song had ended, Kita's tears had fallen their last and she had a smile on her face. She didn't have to force it. It came naturally. She was so grateful to her friends for making her feel so bright when it seemed as though the world was falling apart.
"Thank you everyone!" she cried, standing up and clapping. "You made me feel stronger again though your music. You really are talented. Tell me, what can I do in my thanks?"
"You don't have to do anything," Yui said, coming over to take her friend's hands in her own. "It's what friends do for each other."
"That's right," Ritsu said. "But if you really want to do something, you could ban band practice for the day."
"That won't be happening," Mio growled.
Kita's smile only grew wider. For a moment she wondered if it was right to smile when her mother was dead, but something inside told her that her mother would want to be happy, even when she was gone. She had always told her that she loved to see her smile.
"Sing something for us, Kita," Azusa asked. "It will make you feel better."
It was the truth, Kita knew it. Now she knew why she had sung at her mother's bedside that time. She had been trying to find the happiness again through music. She now knew how well it could work. All she had to do was put her head down and lose herself in the world of sound.
"Alright." She stepped up to the microphone as the others moved away. She didn't need to think about the song she would sing. She already knew what needed to be sung that day. For the final goodbye to her mother, she would sing that song that came from the deepest depths of her heart.
She opened her heart up and released what was inside...
"Rain that slowly falls down on me.
None of it can wash away the tears I cry.
This world will spin after you have flown away.
And I am left with the memory of your shining wings.
Shut them all away.
Lock the memories in my heart.
Break down the dawn today.
And forget who you are.
They speak as though they don't know that I am there.
I am a shadow that walks with no place but despair.
Every beat of my heart is a closer step to the end.
I have nothing more in my life to defend.
Shut them all away.
Lock the memories in my heart.
Break down the dawn today.
And forget who you are.
Now I know the truth again
And I have found a star
It's brimming with the light I need
To take that breath
And dive again
Open up the door
Free the memories inside
Beyond the darkened core
I'll remember who you are
Memories flashed through Kita's mind as she sung. She was no longer in the music room, she was no longer being watched by her friends, and she found herself in a place where she could breathe calmly and simply be.
She was in the hospital with her mother's bed empty and made up. The silence was deafening, a parasite to music, but she let it be her serenity and waited. In just a moment of silence, something amazing can happen.
There, sitting on the empty bed, was her mother. She appeared so suddenly, but looked so calm and peaceful that she may as well have been there for hours. She held out a hand to Kita. "Come and sit by my side."
Kita sat on the bed beside her mother, their shoulders together as they stared out of the window at the world obscured by bright sunlight. Kita's eyes focused on her mother. She looked healthy and alive again, just how she had always dreamed she would be one day.
As though she knew exactly what Kita was thinking, her mother spoke. "Sometimes our dreams can only really come true in death, Kita. Sometimes death is not the right way or the wrong way, but the only way. You understand, don't you?"
Kita took some time to answer. She looked out at the sunlight, squinting against it and wondering what she would see beyond. It wasn't her time, so that truth was hidden, but how she wished she could see where her mother now rested in peace. "I understand. I shouldn't be asking why this happened. I should be accepting it, and moving on."
"Inside you are frozen still," her mother said, brushing a loose strand of hair away from her daughter's face and cupping her chin tenderly. "I know these things just by looking at you."
"How am I supposed to un-freeze?" Kita asked, struggling to keep from choking on her painful words. "How can I find that warmth again without you here?"
The wall that held the window was gone as suddenly as her mother had appeared. In its place was the blinding light, and her mother rose to face it.
"Kita, you will find the love I gave you again, just not from me. You will discover just how much the world can offer if you only turn away from this dark, empty corner of your life."
Tears welled in Kita's eyes, for she knew that she would be saying goodbye to her mother again, only now it was for the very last time. She stepped forward and reached out to grasp her shoulder and turn her around to her world again, but her hand passed straight through. She let it fall to her side and sank to the ground on her knees. "Who can love me as much as you?" she cried.
Her mother looked over her shoulder at her, a believing smile gracing her. "Just look around you, and you will know the answer."
Kita watched as her mother disappeared into the light and the wall came back again. She heard voices calling her name and whirled on the spot, trying to see the faces that were swimming before her. She saw Yui, then Mio, and Ritsu, Azusa, and Mugi. Mrs Sawa yelled her name, wearing a look of alarm. She was dizzy and fell onto her back, flat on the floor. The faces twirled above her, each looking more worried than the last.
"I get it now, mum," she whispered, letting the world spin before her eyes. "Those people who can love me and fill that empty space... are my friends..."
"Kita, can you hear me!"
Mrs Sawa's face appeared in front of all the others, peering closely down at Kita. Receiving no response from the confused, semi-conscious girl, she turned to Yui who looked close to tears. "Go and get some water for her, Yui."
"R-right!"
Kita blinked several times until they all stopped whirling around her. Had she fainted again? Surely she would have brain damage soon enough.
"Kita, you're crying," Azusa gasped, immediately bending down to hand her a tissue that she may as well have conjured up out of thin air.
Kita plucked it from her hand and wiped away the warm tears from her face. "Th-thanks," she gasped. She could remember the dream perfectly well, and with the sadness that it left behind, it also left her feeling stronger. She smiled back at all of her friends with a gratitude that flooded her inside. "I'm okay. I feel better than ever, actually."
Mrs Sawa looked at Kita strangely as though she were delusional. "What do you mean?"
The girl sat up slowly with several hands helping her. She took in a few breaths before trusting herself to speak without being sick. "Everyone, I know the truth now. I know that when I'm with you guys I'm not alone."
They all glanced at each other, trading looks of surprise. Kita could practically hear their thoughts, asking themselves, what's changed?
"My mother," she said softly, wiping away a fresh tear with the tissue. "She told me that I won't be alone even now that she's gone because all of you care for me."
"About time you got it," Mrs Sawa said with a smile. "I'm proud of you."
"So you understand now, Kitty?" Yui had returned with a glass of water that she handed to her friend. "We're all here for you, like I said we were."
Kita nodded, the sentimentality almost too much to bear. "I'm sorry it has taken so long. It must have been a pain for all of you."
they all shook their heads in unison. Kita knew that they were lying, but this time she was grateful that they didn't admit the truth.
"Well now that we've come this far, lets get you to forget about your mum until you can handle it." Mrs Sawa helped Kita lift the glass to take a drink. Somehow the woman always knew when Kita needed her, and the girl was grateful to have her as a support.
"Does that mean we can stop playing music today?" Ritsu asked hopefully.
Mio looked to Kita. "You decide."
Kita smiled apologetically at Ritsu. "I'm sorry, but I would love to play some more of that song. It makes me feel... braver."
Mugi lifted her hand as though she were in class and waited until Mrs Sawa nodded to her until she continued. "I think first we should come up for a name for it," she suggested. "That way we don't have to keep calling it 'that song.'"
It was a good idea. Kita thought for a moment, her thumb pressed to her chin. It was no longer reminded her of the pain from losing her mother day after day, but it reminded her of this day when she realised that she wasn't alone in the world. A death had bloomed a better life, and it had made her believe in herself.
"I think I'll call it... Dawning," she said, shrugging her shoulders with embarrassment.
Thankfully, the others loved the idea.
"Of Kitty, you're so smart!" Yui cried, hugging Kita with surprising strength. "I would have never thought of that!"
"What would you have called it?" Ritsu asked.
"Hmm, maybe... 'I was sad, and now I'm happy again?'"
For a moment no one thought she was serious, then seeing her set expression, they burst out laughing. For the first time in too long, Kita didn't need to force the laughter out.