CHAPTER 1: PARTY
Midnight.
Far away I could hear a clock softly chiming. Twelve times.
It was finally here.
I didn't need the reminder of the swinging pendulum, for it was easier for me to look at the sky. I could taste the passing time in the air.
September twelve flowed into the thirteenth.
Bella's birthday, officially.
Though Bella wasn't the least bit interested in celebrating.
Her restless night gave proof of that as she tossed and turned in her bed.
I tried to hold her more tightly, hoping to ease her worries with my embrace. But this didn't sooth her very much. Occasionally she mumbled my name, more urgently with each time she spoke it. But she never calmed enough to relax into a peaceful slumber.
All this, because of her birthday. A day most people enjoyed was a day of national grief for Bella. She preferred to ignore the fact of getting a year older. And urged all those around her to do the same.
And so, we had come to a rather strange - well strange in my eyes - agreement a few weeks ago, when Bella was displaying more and more distress about the up and coming celebration of the day of her birth. She had forbid me to wish her a happy birthday when that - in her eyes - dreadful day would come.
Also, I wasn't allowed to spend any money on a birthday gift. Or present her with a gift to begin with.
At first I wanted to ignore her request, I was going to spend money whether Bella could deal with it or not. After all, I was her...boyfriend - I still needed a better word, but the description sort of fit - and part of my job was to shower her with gifts and attention, especially on her birthday. And since she captivated all my attention all of the time regardless if it was her birthday, all that was missing was to lavish gifts on Bella. But then, I didn't want to ignore her request - no matter how odd I found it - because it would make her feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to make Bella unhappy.
In the end I'd talked to Esme about my dilemma and she had adviced me not to overdo it. The best gifts were the ones from the heart, the ones money couldn't buy. The kind Bella would - perhaps - appreciate if there was indeed no spending of money involved.
Eventually I had found the perfect gift and it didn't cost me a dime. I'd played songs for Bella, including her lullaby and Esme's favourite on my piano and Alice had helped me record them on a CD, because I couldn't imagine Bella would enjoy the idea of me putting a Steinway in her house so I could play the songs live.
I thought about this as I waited for morning to come, sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of Bella's room. It never ceased to amaze me how awed I was by Bella and her beauty. How she managed to captivate me all the time. As I stared, taking in her low even breathing and every heartbeat that filled the room, a familiar pain rippled through me, an antagonizing feeling resurfaced. This was going to end at some point. A time would come where I'd no longer belonged in this room as a guardian-angel protecting Bella from the bad dreams and the monsters of the night. Where it would no longer be my place to remain at her side.
How many times had I sat here, reminding myself over and over, trying to force myself into a soberness, a clarity which would ensure this responsiblity I owed Bella. But the epiphany never came. I always found an excuse to stay. There was never a reason big enough to go.
When I heared the clock chime - six times now - I knew it was time to go home. I could already hear Charlie slowly starting to wake up. My que to leave.
I pressed my lips against Bella's cheek - softly, so I wouldn't wake her - and whispered "Happy Birthday", in her ear before I ducked out the window.
I hurried home to find Alice there, wrapping presents.
"So, is Bella looking forward to her birthday?", she wondered, idle hope evident in her voice.
I gave her an exasperated look. "What do *you* think..."
Alice rolled her eyes. "She needs to lighten up about this. We're throwing her a surprise party and all. She should be happy!"
Right, any other person would be happy and excited about their birthday. But this was Bella. A girl who hated any kind of attention drawn to her.
The living room was filled with boxes containing pink candles and ceran-wrapped bouquets of roses were covering the table next to the piano.
Lots of pink. Too much, in fact. I feared Bella wasn't going to be very keen on all the pink attributes. But this was Alice, who never had a human story to live and tell. Now she was reliving the experience through Bella.
I picked up one bouquet and sniffed.
Not bad. But not as heavenly and mouth-watering as Bella's fragrance.
"Careful!", Alice warned, "I still need those. Don't break them!"
"Or you'll break me?", I teased.
"I might..", Alice glared, "Surely Bella will enjoy the party once she sees this place all dressed up and festive..."
"Perhaps, but don't expect too much. I am sure Bella will give it her best effort to dislike all this...", I pointed out, "Even if she secretly enjoys it a little bit.", I added.
Alice sighed. "I know. Well, I am going to change for school. I take it, Bella is driving herself this morning?"
Bella usually drove herself to school, because Chief Swan wasn't happy with the idea of me picking up his daughter. More specifically, he disapproved the idea of the two of us in my car, unsupervised.
It was a safe assumption to make that Charlie still wasn't very happy with me. Bella's curfew had been loosened and her father was less sturdy and uncomfortable with me, but every now and then, whenever I caught a small fragment of this thoughts, I could read he was still not convinced of my good intentions when it came to his daughter. He was still not completely over what had happened in Phoenix and I doubted he ever would get over it.
This was a good thing though. Because all his careful rules would keep his daughter safe. Plus, if I ever harmed her again - the thought was prepostorous, but last spring had proven it was not entirely unlikely - I wouldn't have to beg Chief Swan to kill me. He'd do so happily, I was sure.
Today, Alice used this 'Bella and Edward aren't allowed to be left alone in a confined space together'- rule of Chief Swan as something positive. She had set it up perfectly. Alice had foreseen Bella was going to be difficult - and she didn't need her special talent to reach this conclusion - so she'd made sure she had dotted all the 'i's' so her birthday party plan wouldn't be ruined. Bella was driving her truck to school and if by any chance she'd refuse to come over to our house afterwards, it was my duty to chaperone Bella so she couldn't make a run for it and remain absend from the party.
"That was your plan, right? Don't worry, I executed your instructions with accurate precision.." I vowed mockingly, "But only because there were threats involved. And because I believe Bella might actually be reasonable about all this once she lets go of this absurd self consciousness.."
"That's a good brother! Oh, FYI, Rose and Emm are on their way back from Tanzania. Emm called from Newark Airport a few hours ago. Looks like they are just in time for the party..", Alice beamed.
Fantastic. Just when I believed I might actually be able to break through Bella's pantser of birthday reluctance, Alice brought up another reason why it would be very difficult for Bella to actually want to celebrate this joyous occasion. Best to keep the knowledge of these last minute guests underwraps for as long as I could manage.
We arrived at school thirty minutes later, Alice and I. All we had to do now was wait for the very unwilling birthday girl.
Alice toyed with the ribbon on the small package she was carrying - the CD with my compositions - tapping her foot against the ground impatiently.
"I wonder if Bella will at least allow me to sing 'Happy Birthday' to her. It is a classic. Maybe if I just started, then..", she trailed off.
"Don't..", I warned "If you know what is good for you, you won't go against Bella's wishes and you'll just keep the well wishes to a minimum. If you can handle it. "
"Well, I guess I don't know what is good for me then..", Alice shot back, sticking out her tongue.
"Fine, but it is your funeral..", I teased..
"Sssh, be quiet! Do you hear that..."Alice whispered
Oh, I heared it. How could I not? The roaring of the outdated engine, the rust spattering against the asphalt. I knew this sound by heart. Almost as well as her heartbeat which I was even more attuned too. It was etched in my mind, brightening the direst of my moods whenever I heared Bella's truck nearing.
"Yay, Bella's coming!", Alic chirped.
Yay, indeed. I felt instantly lighter, something that always happened when she was in my reach. A hint of her scent drifted through the air and if I honed my senses to perfection, I could even hear her heart drumming inside the cabin of the truck.
Such a beautiful sound.
Bella parked her truck in the school parking lot and got out, slamming the door a little too hard, giving away her irriation as she noticed the small package in Alice's hand.
Alice was bouncing up and down right beside me, unable to hide her wild excitement any longer.
"OK, I'm going in. Wish me luck.", she mocked as she flitted away to Bella's side.
I barely paid any attention to Alice's words for I was far too distracted by the girl strolling in my direction.
Every since that grim afternoon in the meadow - well, grim for me, because I'd tried very hard to hide my worries from Bella, since she'd been so comfortable and happy lounging there, reading her book - now a little over a week ago, I had commanded myself to stop being so absurd. Here she was, the most amazing creature in my universe, in my reach and she wanted to be with me. And all I had to do, was keep her safe. Surely I could manage that. And while I had failed to do so when James was after her, I was just going to put in that much extra effort to make sure I'd succeed now. Because if I did - and I was very much inclined to - than I could stay with Bella.
I sighed. It was so much easier to be positive during the day, when I couldn't drive myself crazy in the dark shadows of Bella's room. Where I could see her smile at me.
Thought she wasn't smiling now as she almost reached the spot where I was standing. Alice bounded forward, dancing around Bella enthusiastically.
"Happy birthday, Bella!"
"Shh!" Bella hissed, instantly glancing around the lot to make sure no one had heard Alice.
Oh, this was going to be good. So much for being a perky birthday girl. It was quite comical. Though not for Alice. She'd soon realize how her attempts to help Bella find the proper birthday spirit was a lost cause. And my little sister hated to loose.
Alice ignored Bella's protests "Do you want to open your present now or later?"
I could guess the answer to that. Anyone who'd be paying a little attention could read it on her face.
"No presents," Bella mumbled.
Granted, it was an obvious answer.
Alice complained silently. This is going to be more difficult than I thought.
I silently chuckled. It was humorous to see my sister come to terms with the fact her plan was about to fail miserably. But she wasn't going down without putting up a good fight.
"Okay… later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"
Alice had seen what Charlie and Renée had gotten their daughter weeks ago, as soon as they had decided what to buy. At first she had refused to tell me about it - afraid I'd spill the beans to Bella - but as soon as she even remotedly thought about her well-organized plans in relation to Bella's birthday, she had slipped. Once I knew, Alice had reminded me daily, not to ruin anything. And I was certainly not going to cross her.
"Yeah. They're great.", Bella told her.
"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience.", Alice suggested
"How many times have you been a senior?", Bella shot back, unable to hide her irritation at this unwanted attention any longer.
"That's different.", Alice stated.
Alice and Bella reached me then and I held out my hand for Bella to take it, which she did.
She momentarily gazed into my eyes as I gently squeezed her fingers. Her heart immediatedly responded to my touch and I could not help but smile at her reaction. Now that I knew the reason behind it - it certainly wasn't fear - I didn't mind it so much when her heart did odd things whenever I touched her. As long as I was still dazzling her the way she dazzled me, I was doing something right.
I continued to stroke Bella's hand with my fingertips, while I lifted the other to trace the outside of her soft full lips. "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?", I asked
"Yes. That is correct." Bella agreed with a small smile.
"Just checking.", I told her as I ran my hand through my hair. It was one of those human trades which made us seem less out of place. Fidgeting, touching our hair, it all made us seem a little more normal. Emphasis on little, of course. There was still nothing normal about the Cullens.
"You might have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts.", I pointed out.
But Bella wasn't like most people. She was entirely other. Unique and one of a kind.
"Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?", Alice laughed
Really, what is her problem, she silently wondered.
I didn't need to read Bella's mind to know what her problem was. It made perfect sense why she was so averse to today's celebrations.
"Getting older," Bella answered wryly.
Right. This wasn't just about attention or spending money. There was a far more powerful, underlining reason why she wasn't happy about her birthday.
She would get older. And I wouldn't. Not physically anyway.
"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"
"It's older than Edward," Bella mumbled.
A part of me was pleased to have guessed right because it made me less mentally handicapped around her. Bella was worried about the age difference. She hated the idea of being older then me, technically. Not because of the number, but because I'd never get older. And like any human she would. Until she'd die. Another thing that wouldn't happen to me. Not unless I took care of that myself.
So much for forever.
I sighed again. It felt like I'd been doing that alot lately. And not to uphold some human pretence. I actually needed the air to push down my worries.
"Technically," Alice said, ignoring the glum in Bella's voice. "Just by one little year, though."
Bella seemed to consider this before she spoke again and as always I wished to break through her mind barrier to read her thoughts. But no such luck. I would never get used to the disadvantage of having to guess. Even with her face and eyes wide open, I never knew all of what was going on inside her head,
"What time will you be at the house?" Alice continued, obviously changing the subject. She was practically glowing now and Bella asserted her expression as if it were something straight from the pages of a horror story.
Apparently, facing monsters was no big deal compared to attending a party in Bella Swan's mind.
"I didn't know I had plans to be there.", Bella hesitated, trying to play her surprise well, whilst hoping to hide her horror.
"Oh, be fair, Bella!" Alice complained. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"
"I thought my birthday was about what I want.", Bella retorted
Edward. Do something! my sister urged
I shrugged but Alice shot me a warning glare.
If you don't help me now, I will tell Bella what kind of outrageous gifts you had in mind for her. Audi coupe, college tuition, expensive dinner....need I go on?
Darn that sister of mine. Bella would only protest more if she knew what I'd initially planned for her. Thank heavens, Esme had comvinced me otherwise.
"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I told Alice, knowing Bella would start a protest-rally of one instantly.
And she did.
"I have to work," she said.
"You don't, actually," Alice told her smugly. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"
"I—I still can't come over," Bella stammered, clearly looking for an excuse to get her out of the festivities "I, well, I haven't watched Romeo and Juliet yet for English."
Alice snorted. "You have Romeo and Juliet memorized."
"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it—that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."
I rolled my eyes. Bella knew Romeo and Juliet by heart. This wasn't a very good excuse and certainly not one that was going to convince Alice to cancel the party.
"You've already seen the movie," Alice accused.
"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."
Finally, Alice lost the smug smile and glared at Bella. "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other—"
I had to interrupt her threat. "Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday."
Bella's face became smug. "So there," she added.
"I'll bring her over around seven," I continued. "That will give you more time to set up."
Alice broad smile appeared again. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She grinned before kissing Bella on the cheek and twirling away to her first class.
"Edward, please—" Bella begged but before she could finish I pressed a finger to her lips.
"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class.", I told her.
We made our way to first period, taking a seat in the back. In comparison to last year we had almost every class together now, after I had persuaded Ms. Cope to arrange this. Unsurprisingly, she'd been very cooperative when I'd flashed her my friendliest smile. Bella had giggled at this and mocked me for not being scary at all. Unfortunately, Emmett had heard about my little persuasion-act as well and he was literally giving me hell about if ever since.
The main reason for switching most of my classes was the simplest excuse I could think of: this way I was around Bella for the most part of the day, which was preferable: like breathing in air, even if that air was tainted with the most dangerous seductive fragrance.
There was another reason though, one far less noble or romantic. Last year I had to rely on Bella's classmates for the most part, engaging in their thoughts to see how Bella would fare. But I couldn't bear to listen to Jessica Stanley anymore, since her mind was still wincing and whining about the fact Mike Newton had broken up with her.
Mike Newton, who was smiling tentatively at Bella now. Only I could see the longing behind his eyes, the hope in his thoughts.
Too bad Cullen didn't dump her over the summer. I could've comforted her. I am sure she would've liked that.
I bit back a growl, knowing Bella wouldn't understand nor tolerate it if I threw Mike's body through the class room. Too bad, I would've enjoyed it.
So his mind was no longer and source for information on Bella - not even during PE - since the thoughts echoing inside his head would have him end up with a few broken bodyparts one of these days.
Then there were Eric and Tyler, both still cherishing hope to date Bella some day. I had an easier time in handling their thoughts - far more innocent than Mike's - but only by a small margin.
The rest of the day, neither Alice or I brought up Blla's birthday again and by the time for lunch, Bella seemed more relaxed.
The cafeteria scene was nothing like a year before. Nothing was like how things were before Isabella Swan moved to Forks. The Cullens no longer separated themselves from the other students. They were strangely ill at ease with us, which had partially to do with the fact Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett had 'graduated'. It was an odd assessment to think the students at Forks High thought Alice and me to be the least scary of the Cullen children.
Alice and I didn't mind how Bella's friends still shied away from us. Alice tried to mingle into conversations at times, but I mostly kept to myself. I wasn't there to be extremely sociable, I was usually distracted by the girl sitting next to me anyway.
Also, it still wasn't easy to engage in the ridiculous chatter of all the trials and tribulations of the student body when they were internally screaming at you.
I didn't care about Jessica and her resentment of Mike. Though I could almost appreciate how she thought of mean ways to humiliate him. Mike was oblivious to the fact he hurt her and her pain, which bothered me. Even Jessica Stanley deserved a little more compassion than she was given. It made me even more irritated with Newton, as he continued to stare at Bella. Occassionally, I stepped to flash him a glare, making sure he still knew his place.
The only minds I didn't mind were those of Angela Weber and Ben Cheney, who actually seemed happy together. Their thoughts were subtle and almost private.
The afternoon passed quickly. School ended, and I walked Bella to her truck. I held open the passenger door for her to get in. But she didn't.
Bella folded my arms and made no move to get out of the rain. "It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?", she asked suspiciously.
"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished.", I pointed out.
I noticed how the look in Bella's eyes changed, a hint of something brewing in those chocolate pools. A plan of sorts.
"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…", she wondered, sounding hopeful.
Of course, she was still looking for a way out. But she wasn't going to find one. I was better at dealing with an angry Bella than with an angry Alice.
"All right." I shut the passenger door and walked past Bella to open the driver's side. "Happy birthday."
"Shh," Bella shushed me, though she wasn't as stern as she'd been with Alice this morning.
I played with the radio while Bella drove. This was another one of Alice's 'requests', all part of the birthday plan. While I couldn't spend a dime on Bella, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie bought Bella a stereo for her truck.
"Your radio has horrible reception.", I commented, shaking my head disapprovingly.
That ought to do it.
"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." , Bella frowned.
Her bad tempered mood was endearing and it cost some effort on my part to not start laughing. That would only make her more angry.
We remained quiet the rest of the ride. I looked out the window and wondered about the future. My number one worry as of late. Well, more like the main thing completely haunting me, never releasing me from the agony of doing the right thing.
And every time it passed, every time I was close to Bella, I forgot about it. My worries seemed foolish and the agony melted.
By the time we stopped in front of Bella's house, I sensed she was allowing herself to sink into a very gloomy mood and that just didn't seem fair, not today. Even I was pushing my worries aside, for the moment and the occasion and so should Bella.
I carefully took her face into my hands and smiled at her. Her heart picked up a more uneven rhythm instantly, responding to my touch like it always did.
"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I whispered.
"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" Bella asked, her breathing uneven, her heart pounding, the sound of it thundering through the cabin.
"Too bad."
I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. I'd never get used to this. Never. The warmth, the longing. The danger of the seduction. It was every bit as sensual as leading a hunt, except wildly more overwhelming. These human sensations, these yearnings I felt when we were this close. They always ended the same way.
Bella threw herself into the kiss the way she always did, wrapping her arms around my neck, pressing her overheated body against mine. One of these days I was just going to loosen up these boundaries. One of these days, this grand amount of love and desire would be too much for me to bear.
But not this time.
I let go of Bella's face and reached back to unwrap her arms from my neck.
"Be good, please," I breathed against her cheek. I pressed my lips gently to Bella's one more time and then pulled away, folding her arms across her stomach.
Her pulse was thudding, racing, filling the space. Bella put one hand over her heart, trying to ease her hyperactive heart.
"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" she wondered quietly. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"
"I really hope not," I said smugly. It was the one proof I had that Bella needed me here, that my presence was very preferable. That she would in fact suffer if I ever left her.
Bella rolled her eyes at my answer and sighed. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"
"Your wish, my command."
We went down to the living room, where I sprawled across the couch, and Bella set up the movie.
She then perched on the edge of the sofa in front of me and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her against my chest. To make sure Bella wouldn't freeze I pulled an old afghan off the back of the sofa and draped it around her, so she wouldn't be cold.
"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," I commented as the movie started.
Romeo, the ultimate tragic hero. I was surprised at how little I could identify myself with him. And how much this fictional character in fact irritated me.
"What's wrong with Romeo?" Bella asked, clearly a little offended.
Hmm, I wondered. Could it be Bella used to have a little crush on good old Romeo. It seemed that way, judging from the tone in her voice.
"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?", I analyzed
As I spoke the words - my disapproval of this fictional character - something nagged at the edges of my conviction. Wasn't I the one who was making mistake after mistake in my desperate need to be with Bella. What right did I have to judge him? Perhaps it was this small but important similarity with his character that sparked my irritation with Romeo.
Bella was seemingly displeased with my analysis."Do you want me to watch this alone?", she sighed.
"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway.", I told her as I traced patterns across the skin of Bella's arm, rasing goosebumps as my fingers moved over her soft warm skin. It felt like the tips of my fingers were being electricuted. It felt wonderful.
"Will you cry?", I wondered.
"Probably," Bella admitted, "if I'm paying attention."
I had an odd fascination with this, Bella crying. Maybe I was being perverted that way, knowing what her tears did to my insides, as I had tasted one a long time ago. Maybe it was the raw emotion, something I could never express. Unlike Romeo, I'd never be able to cry for my love. Not the way she could cry for me.
"I won't distract you then." I assured her, and I pressed my lips against her her, the texture of it feeling like silk.
After a while I started to recite Romeo's lines - it wasn't so hard to remember for I had seen this version before - and the movie finally captivated Bella's interest.
And Bella did cry when Juliet woke and found her new husband dead.
This sort of amused me, and I wasn't sure if it was embarassment, or pure humour I felt. It was kind of strange, the way these star crossed lovers had managed to completely ruin their love.
"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said, as I dried the tears on Bella's face with a lock of her hair.
"She's very pretty.", Bella agreed
From a human perspective the actress was indeed attractive, though not at all my type. And in comparison to the girl in my arms, she was just plain. And it certainly wasn't my point. I didn't envy Romeo because of Juliet.
"Ugh. I don't envy him the girl—just the ease of the suicide," I clarified in a teasing tone. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"
It was kind of morbid, though very true. Humans were so breakable, the tiniest jump could kill them. A bump in the head was sometimes enough. Starvation was effective.
"What?" Bella gasped.
"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" I spoke wryly, seriously before adding in a lighter tone "And he's clearly still in excellent health."
Bella turned around so she could face me. Her eyes were wide with confusion and a hint of shock even.
"What are you talking about?" she demanded. "What do you mean, this something you had to think about once?"
"Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…" I paused to take a deep breath, finding it difficult to return to a lighter, teasing tone now.
"Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."
I remembered it well and not just because my vampire memory was infallible, that was a given. I remembered because it suddenly felt harder to breath. Because my mind had memorized the look of viciousness on James' face - it was forever burned into my soul - the pain, the agony and most importantly, how I had almost killed Bella myself.
Her fingers traced the crescent-shaped scar that James' teeth had left behind, on her hand and I could see it in her eyes. She was remembering it too.
Bella shook her head—trying to shake off the bad memories, I was sure— and asked for clarification.
"Contingency plans?" she repeated.
"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes. It was ridiculous for her to even think I wouldn't kill myself if she were no longer around. Did Bella not know how much I needed her? I thought about my panic when I had ran down the heated asphalt, hoping I'd be in time to safe Bella. And making sure I'd find a way to die too, if I'd fail her.
"I wasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.", I continued.
Bella eyed my with confusion and then the expression on her face shifted from non-understanding to...anger.
"What is a Volturi?" she demanded furiously.
"The Volturi are a family," I explained, trying to keep my expression neutral, to not infuriate her more. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?", I asked
"Of course I remember.", Bella assured me, still angry
"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi," I went on, "Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do.", I said calmly.
Bella eyed me and I saw the anger fade from her eyes. Instead, she looked horrified.
She gently took my face in her hands, holding it quite tightly. Well, I could feel her grip - though it was more like the slightest of pressure by something delicate and velvet - at least.
"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" Bella urged, almost frantic "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"
"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point.", I shrugged.
I fiercely believed in this, I commanded it to memory. I was never going to put Bella in danger again, because if I did, then I would have to leave. So I wouldn't, because I didn't want to leave. It was a simple deduction, but effective nonetheless.
"Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" Bella said, angry again. "How dare you even think like that?", she demanded.
"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I asked.
"That's not the same thing.", she insisted.
I chuckled at her logic. Because it made no sense. I would die if she did. Like I'd want to be around after that. Not even for my family.
"What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go off myself?", Bella suggested, pain evitable in her voice.
I only needed to think about this for a short second and I was certain my face was no longer amused or remote. The thought of Bella dying - the way she almost had - was too painful.
"I guess I see your point… a little," I admitted. "But what would I do without you?"
Nothing. I would die. Simple as that. A world without Bella would be a meaningless, colourless place. A strange surface I'd never be able to exist on again.
"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence.", Bella pointed out.
She was so wrong. She never complicated my existence. She complimented it. Without her I was nothing but a shell of a man. With her I was complete.
I sighed. "You make that sound so easy."
Too easy. I would never be able to survive. Not without Bella.
"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."
I was about to argue, but then I let it go. Charlie was coming, I could hear the cruiser turning onto the street. It was incredibly bad timing for I felt this conversation wasn't over. I was sort of under the impression Bella didn't quite grasp what she meant to me. Unfortunately there wasn't any time to explain right now.
"Moot point," I reminded her.
Then I pulled myself in a more formal position, more suitable for company, especially a father who was always suspicious of me. I gently shifted Bella to the side of the sofa, so that we'd no longer be touching.
"Charlie?" Bella guessed.
I smiled.
We waited for Charlie to enter and Bella took my hand. Firmly. To prove a point, I was sure.
Charlie came in with a pizza box in his hands.
"Hey, kids." He grinned.
Hmm, I wonder what they were up to before I walked in, he thought as he looked at the rugged afghan on the floor and the TV, which was now displaying the end-credits of the movie.
"I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?", Charlie asked.
"Sure. Thanks, Dad.", Bella commented with a smile
I waited while Bella and Charlie enjoyed their dinner. I tried to be inconspicious as I observed father and daughter. Charlie and Bella were quite alike. His mind was almost as inpenetrable as Bella's, but both their faces were quite open, readable. Though the Chief never showed it verbally, his eyes gave away how much he loved Bella.
"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked when Charlie and Bella were done.
From the corner of my eye I noticed how Bella eyed her father carefully. With hope. Was she that desperate to skip the party Alice had arranged, would she rather stay here to watch sports? She didn't know this was going to be the main program for the evening - but this was quite an obvious thing on Charlie's mind now, so clear I could actually read it.
"That's fine—the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight," Charlie explained, and her hope disappeared, I could see her face plummeting.
"So I won't be any kind of company… Here." He scooped up the camera he'd gotten Bella - and threw it to her.
He ought to know better than that, Bella was simply too uncoordinated and her reflexes were very off.
The camera glanced off the tip of Bella's finger, and tumbled toward the floor.
I caught before it could hit the linoleum and break into little pieces.
"Nice save," Charlie noted. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullens' tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets—she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."
"Good idea, Charlie," I said, handing Bella the camera.
Bella turned the camera on me, and snapped the first picture. "It works."
"That's good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while." Charlie's mouth pulled down at one corner.
Ah yes. Chief Swan was very fond of my sister. Much more fond than he was of me, that was for sure. It all happened last spring, when Bella's leg had been in a cast and she needed someone to help her shower and get dressed. Alice had eagerly offered her help and she and Bella had formed a close friendship since then.
"It's been three days, Dad," Bella reminded him.
Charlie pouted. "I'll tell her.", she promised.
"Okay. You kids have fun tonight." It was clearly a dismissal. Chief's Swans thoughts were already occupied with the game. He immediatedly went to the living room to turn off the VCR and switch the channel to ESPN.
I smiled, triumphant, and took Bella's hand to pull her from the kitchen.
When we got to the truck, I opened the passenger door for Bella again, and this time she didn't protest. I knew why, because even after six months it was impossible for Bella to find the turnoff to my house. Especially in the dark. This was obviously no problem for me.
I drove north through Forks, secretly irritated by the slow speed of the Chevy as I pressed down the gas pedal - the engine roared in protest and warning - much to Bella's disapproval.
"Take it easy," she warned me.
I ignored her. "You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…", I suggested. There, I had mentioned the car. At least Alice couldn't use this -almost - birthday gift against me anymore.
"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents.", she said sternly.
"Not a dime," I assured her sincerely
"Good."
"Can you do me a favor?", I asked
"That depends on what it is.", Bella asked, suspicion and wariness clear in her voice.
I sighed. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited", I told her.
Emmett's birthday. There weren't any pink candles there. Lots of grizzlies though. And special birthday activities only meant for him and Rosalie. Unfortunately, they had been very loud that night.
"Fine, I'll behave.", Bella agreed, pulling me from the memory of Emmett's birthday.
Then, Alice words from this morning echoed in my mind.
FYI, Rose and Emm are on their way back from Tanzania.
Right. Time to give Bella the heads up. One surpise was more than enough and if Alice's party was truly as lavish as she had assured me - I thought of all the pink attributes - then Bella would be plenty surprised. And uncomfortable.
"I probably should warn you…", I started
"Please do."
"When I say they're all excited… I do mean all of them.", I said.
"Everyone?" Bella choked. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."
"Emmett wanted to be here.", I explained.
My brother had grown surprisingly fond of Bella and her clumsy ways. Rosalie on the other hand....
"But… Rosalie?", Bella pointed out.
"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior.", I eased her worries.
I could tell it didn't help much. The relationship between Bella and Rosalie was chilly at best. Not at all Bella's fault. Rosalie was just so very petty.
I decided to change the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"
I expected her to firmly remind me she didn't want anything, so her answer took me by surprise. Which was probably a good thing, because it momentarily dulled my usual anger about this particular subject.
When she spoke, the words came out in a whisper. "You know what I want."
A deep frown spred across my face. This again. Bella was so determined, even on a day like today - or maybe because of today, a day she dreaded so much, she'd rather talk about becoming a monster.
"Not tonight, Bella. Please.", I requested.
"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.", Bella said., almost casually.
I didn't mean to get so furious, but I felt Bella to be so reckless about this. It was unbelievable.
So I growled and the sound - meant to be menacing for it was designed to fight off enemies and preys - filled the cabin. But Bella wasn't afraid of me. In fact she eyed me with ridicule, as of she thought I was behaving in an absurd manner and not the other away around.
"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," I vowed.
"That's not fair!", Bella cried
Unfair? What did she know about that? Was taking her life fair and doing the opposite the greatest sin ever commited? If I kept her alive with all the power and strength I had, did that make me the bad guy? Why was her mind so incredibly oddly wired. My teeth snapped together and it took me as much self control as it did when kissing her, to remain calm. Sometimes the backward ways of Bella's mind infuriated me. It was like she actually enjoyed the occasions where she could endanger her life.
We were pulling up to the house now and this calmed me. At least Bella would be distracted soon enough. At least, I hoped she'd be because I wasn't at all interested in prolonging this conversation, unlike the one we had before Charlie had arrived home.
I glanced through the windshield. Alice had certainly out done herself for this extravaganza.
Bright lights shined from every window on the first two floors. A long line of glowing Japanese lanterns hung from the porch eaves and big bowls of flowers—the pink roses—lined the wide stairs up to the front doors.
Bella moaned.
Of course. This was her worst nightmare. Not the monsters in her world, but this. A social gathering. Bella. Would I ever understand the way her mind worked?
Probably not.
I took a few deep breaths to calm myself further. "This is a party," I reminded her. "Try to be a good sport."
"Sure," Bella muttered unhappily.
I spun around the truck to get the passenger door and I offered Bella my hand to help her out.
"I have a question.", Bella said
Hmm, more requests to become one of the eternally damned. I really hoped not.
"If I develop this film," Bella said, toying with the camera in her hands, "will you show up in the picture?"
Another myth. Vampires did in fact photograph. Except with our excellent memory we didn' t need to capture anythng on film, though Esme occasionally photographed as a hobby.
I started laughing, thankful she at least took the effort to change the subject. I helped her out and pulled her up the stairs, still laughing as I opened the front door.
My family was waiting there, their internal monologues as strong as their enthusiasm aloud and it struck me how much Bella had become a part of the Cullen clan. Apart from Rosalie's stubbornness and Jasper's restraint, my family all cared about Bella deeply.
A loud chorus of "Happy birthday, Bella!" erupted as we walked in.
I could feel the heat of Bella's blush caress my skin as a reaction to my family's wellwishes and her face turned to the ground in embarrassment.
The table next to the piano had a white cloth draped over it now and on it was a large pink birthday cake, more roses, a stack of glass plates, and a small stack of silver-wrapped presents.
I could feel how Bella's heart sped up and her uncomfortableness was showing in her eyes.
Sensing Bella's great distress, I wrapped one arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head in hopes to take away some of this discomfort.
Carlisle and Esme were the closest to the door and my mother hugged Bella carefully as she kissed Bella's forehead. Carlisle put his arm around Bella's shoulders.
"Sorry about this, Bella," he stage-whispered. "We couldn't rein Alice in."
Rosalie and Emmett stood behind them. Rosalie didn't smile, but at least she didn't glare. That was something. Maybe Emmett had talked some sense into her.
Or maybe not entirely
I don't see the point of coming back early for this. But Emmett seems to enjoy this. Better fake it. Don't want Edward or Carlisle on my case again.
At least Emmett was smiling, or rather grinning.
Look at that blush.
I was. Always. I could even taste it.
"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said with mock disappointment. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."
It's funny, he thought. Of course this was hilarious to him. Anything he didn't quite understand was a joke in his eyes.
"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella said, blushing deeper. I could taste the scent of blood on my tongue and decided to push it down.
He laughed, "I have to step out for a second"—he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice—"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."
"I'll try.", Bella muttered halfheartedly.
Alice let go of Jasper's hand and skipped forward. Jasper smiled, too, but kept his distance. He leaned, against the post at the foot of the stairs.
His mind was stable, but I noticed how his nostrils weren't moving. He wasn't breathing.
"Time to open presents," Alice declared. She pulled Bella to the table.
Bella looked unhappy, like she was about to be tortured. "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—"
"But I didn't listen," she interrupted smugly. "Open it." She took the camera from Bella's hands and replaced it with a big, square silver box.
Ah yes, the gift from Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. A very expensive stereo for her very unexpensive car.
Bella hastily tore the paper off and then stared at the box it concealed, first eyeing it in confusion and then being surprised by how the box was empty.
"Um… thanks.", Bella said.
Rosalie actually cracked a smile and even Jasper laughed. "It's a stereo for your truck," he explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."
This had been a clever move on Alice's part. Because Bella would've returned it if she would have had the chance.
"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," Bella told them, grinning.
It was good to see she was actually enjoying herself. A little.
"Thanks, Emmett!" Bella called more loudly.
His booming laugh echoed around the house and it made Bella laugh too.
Ours next! Alice silently chimed
This was what she'd been waiting for from the moment we had finished our little project.
"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said, her voice a high-pitched trill of unconcealed excitement.
She held a small, flat square in her hand.
I will take most of the credit, of course. Recording wasn't easy, you know. Alice teased quietly
Bella turned and glared at me in warning "You promised."
Before I could answer Emmett bounded through the door. "Just in time!" he assessed cheerfully.
He pushed in behind Jasper, who had also drifted closer than usual to get a good look. I noticed how Jasper's thoughts were less composed now, an evident change from before when he had deliberately kept his distance. He was allowing himself to enjoy the good atmosphere but this didn't result in my brother being more relaxed. In fact, it seemed Jasper's good spirits made him less focused.
For some reason this unnerved me - a lack in focus could be a possible threat with Jasper- but I decided to shove the worry aside immediatedly. This was a party. But still. Something was starting to creep up inside me and I didn't know how to push it down entirely.
"I didn't spend a dime," I assured Bella as I brushed a strand of hair from her face, her warm skin pushing a current of electricity through my finger, straight to the pit of my stomach.
Bella inhaled deeply and turned to Alice. "Give it to me," Bella sighed.
Emmett chuckled with delight.
Bella took the little package, rolling her eyes at me while she stuck her finger under the edge of the paper and jerked it under the tape.
As the paper teared under her touch, the scratching sound filling the room, I could hear it. The tearing of paper, the small tear of flesh.
The next moment displayed itself in slow-motion, but I recognized the feeling right away. It was like the supposed imaginary panic attack in the meadow, from weeks before.
Except, now it was real.
Oh no. The smell. It hit me instantly. And I had no choice but to cut off my air immediatedly.
"Shoot," Bella muttered when the paper sliced her finger; she pulled it out to examine the damage. A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.
It all happened very quickly then.
"No!" I roared.
I threw myself at Bella - not like a hunter, but like an animal protecting its mate- flinging Bella back across the table. It fell, as Bella did, scattering the cake and the presents, the flowers and the plates. Bella landed in the mess of shattered crystal.
Jasper slammed into me, his mind going blank, his control completely gone. His eyes were wild with bloodlust.
He snarled at me, his teeth sharp and threatening. Even to me, for he was after my girl.
So this was it. The thing I had been so terrified of. Not some new monster, but old ones. And I couldn't even blame Jasper, I couldn't even hide behind that.
This was my doing and mine alone.
As I fought Jasper off, I thought about my own promise.
The next time Bella would get hurt, I'd leave.
It was just so much sooner than I'd expected.
But then, had I not been outstaying my welcome in Bella's life for far too long already?
Through the haze of the tumult, I had that epiphany - the one I needed to be strong enough to leave - unfolding itself to me like the horrible, unwanted truth it was.
I wasn't a guardian angel, I was a monster. And good or bad, hero or harpy, I was never going to keep Bella out of danger. And even if she wouldn't die tonight, my nature would eventually kill her.
There was a reason big enough now. This biggest of all. The one thing more important than what I wanted.
Bella.
I was almost relieved to realize I had run out of excuses to stay.
This was my que to leave.
Exit centre stage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First, thanks for your reviews for the prologue. I truly appreciate it! :)
Keep them coming!
About this chapter: well so much for a party, huh. :(
Have a good weekend, everyone!