CHAPTER 2: STITCHES
Some party. The room was a mess, covered in glass with some of the pieces covered in blood.
Blood that was spreading on the floor in a puddle of despair.
I had seen this before.
It was an odd sense of deja vu. I remembered this scene, except the context was all wrong now.
Last spring, when Bella's blood had stained the floor in the ballet studio in Phoenix. But then it had been James who'd almost killed her. Or at least, he'd tried and nearly succeeded. After which I had almost finished what he'd started.
Now, there was a scene - almost identical to that awful memory - playing out in front of me.
Bella was wounded, yet again.
I wasn't sure what hurt more. The fact that within months I had managed to get Bella hurt for a second time, or the aching knowledge that this time around I couldn't pretend everything was going to be alright. Not even by a long shot.
It shouldn't have come as such a surprise though - especially after the anxiety I had been feeling ever since that grim afternoon in the meadow, a little over a week ago.
Somewhere, deeply hidden in my mind - or rather I had buried it away because I didn't want to feel it - I'd known Bella would end up hurt again. Hurt because of me.
What a true monster I was.
And not because I was a vampire, though that alone qualified as reason enough.
I was a monster because I had allowed this to happen.
I should've left the moment I realized I loved Bella. That would have been the only right thing to do.
But no. Instead I had lingered around, permitting myself to drown in this unmeasurable amount of love I felt for her.
And drowned I had. Over and over, night after night I would resurface as a changed man. The more time I spend with her, the more I felt alive. There was meaning, a reason to finally welcome the curse of immortality.
But against what price?
Bella's life?
And now Jasper's sanity? Because tonight, he'd fallen victim to my selfish ways as well.
I couldn't even be angry with Jasper, knowing how hard this struggle was for him. I knew about the fight inside him, I was an every day silent witness to it. I knew how worried he was about slipping. How hard he fought against the bloodlust.
And now Jasper had almost fallen off the wagon. There was some strange irony in the fact he hadn't nearly slipped with some random girl.
It was Bella he would have attacked if we had let him.
It was even more ironic that this was probably what'd saved him from following through and satiate the torture of the thirst.
Would it have been some outsider, someone we didn't know, I was certain we would have tried to stop him but had we failed it would've had less of an impact. But now, with it being Bella he was after, I was sure we - or rather, me - would fight him to protect her. No matter the consequences.
Despite the chaos, Carlisle kept a level head. Of course, his centuries of experience as a physician meant this occasion didn't phase him at all.
He remained calm and in authority.
"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside.", he commanded quietly.
Emmett - normally unaffected and easy going - was serious now. His mind was consistent and full of worry for Jasper. He recognized the feeling - Emmett had slipped up twice himself - and he knew how badly Jasper wanted to knock me out of the way to get to Bella.
"Come on, Jasper.", he said as he pulled Jasper back.
Jasper struggled against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, twisting around, reaching toward him with his bared teeth, his eyes still past reason.
The threat didn't bother Emmett. He didn't try to fight against Jasper, he just tightened his grip to pull him away.
A part of me wished to read Jasper's thoughts and did. There was nothing to read but rage and lust. Pure unsatiated lust. For Bella's blood. Another part of me didn't want to be confronted with that - his longing to kill Bella to kill the thirst - because it would make me snap and do something that would tear my family apart. This too I remembered from once before It wasn't the first time I was ready to go up against Jasper, for I had threatened and almost been forced to fight him after I had saved Bella from nearly being crushed by Tyler's van.
I crouched over Bella, taking a defensive position. Being so close to her I could taste the glory of her blood on my tongue in spite of the fact I hadn't taken a single breath from the moment Bella had cut her finger.
As I held my stance, I let a low growl slip, as a warning to Jasper, though it served as a sign of caution to anyone coming too close. Like an animal defending its mate, I would do anything to protect Bella.
The only one who seemed completely unaffected by this was Rosalie. Her thoughts were as smug as the look on her face.
Well, this is not a surprise. I knew this was going to happen.
She stepped in front of Jasper—keeping a careful distance from his teeth—and helped Emmett wrestle him through the glass door that Esme held open.
Esme was also not breathing, one hand covered her mouth and nose. She looked ashamed when she faced Bella "I'm so sorry, Bella," she cried as she followed the others into the yard.
"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle murmured.
This will all right, son. It's a minor incident. These things happen. Bella will be just fine.
Did they? Did they really? So any guy would put his girlfriend in danger like this. If so, it wasn't so bad. Then this was just a minor incident. An accident which would resolve itself in the care of my father's capable hands.
Except this wasn't just an incident. And Bella wasn't just my girlfriend.
She was my life. And since she was the most important thing to me ever, I owed it to her to keep her safe. But my attempts at keeping her unharmed turned out to be feeble time and time again. For months I had ignored it, choosing my own happiness over anything else and now it endangered everyone. Not just Bella- though she was the most important - but also the lives of my family.
A small second passed, and then I nodded slowly and relaxed my stance.
Carlisle knelt beside Bella, leaning close to examine her arm.
I watched her face twist and for a second she just glanced at Carlisle in shock.
While I couldn't read her mind, I could see it in her eyes. She was surprised that my father came this close, especially since the rest of us were effectively not breathing. I knew she relied on him not to harm her, despite her dripping blood. In fact, out of all the people who could hurt her right now, my father was the least likely to hurt Bella - but she was still shocked to find him this close with her blood flowing.
It wasn't a surprise to me, for Carlisle had centuries of practice. He was long past the yearning of tasting human blood. I envied his strength, wishing more than ever, I could have a small ounce of it, so I wouldn't be forced to clench my jaw and hold my breath.
Alice shot me a quick glance as she moved to Carlisle's side. There was pain there in her eyes, an intensified aching for Jasper. Then there was also sadness in her eyes. Because suddenly the futures that included Bella were all jumbled up again.
Think about it, she warned, Think about it before you decide.
I wished to obey her, to give the idea of leaving more thought. To sweep away the cons with the most important pro. I loved Bella and I needed her. Of course, I didnt want to leave. But what I needed and what was best for Bella seemed to constantly collide and it was about time I did something about that.
Something permanent, something that would make sure Bella would never hurt again.
"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing him a towel.
My father shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound." He reached over and ripped a long, thin scrap from the bottom of the white tablecloth. He twisted it around Bella's arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet.
Such simple medical procedures, I'd studied them too. But I wasn't at liberty to profess them, for I couldn't allow myself to be that close to Bella. I felt completely useless.
Bella's face was pale white, with a shade of green casting over it. I knew this look, since I had seen it once before.
Blood typing, about seven months ago. Right after the first time Bella accepted an invitation to join that odd Edward Cullen for lunch. Right after she had said yes to me for the first time.
If only she hadn't. If only I had never asked.
Bella's face turned even paler, she was clearly dizzy now because of the blood.
Her own blood.
Her wonderful warm, amazingly luscious blood.
I remembered the taste of it in my mouth. It was so rich, so heavenly. I was immediatedly overwhelmed by the memory of it. Good thing I wasn't breathing.
"Bella," Carlisle said softly. "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?"
"Here, please," she whispered.
Right. If Carlisle would take her took me to the hospital, there would be no way to keep this from Bella's father. Given how fast news and gossip spread around town, Charlie would be aware of Bella's injury before Carlisle would have the chance to stitch up her arm properly.
"I'll get your bag," Alice said.
"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle told me.
I clenched my jaw more tightly as I lifted Bella off the - shattered with glass - floor. I held her as far away from my body as I could, hoping she wouldn't notice. I didn't want to make her feel worse than she probably already felt.
The angle of our bodies felt off, unnatural for I was used to holding Bella close now. Another deja vu hit me as I thought of that blood typing scene again. The first time I held her in my arms, making sure our bodies wouldn't touch. Much like I was doing now, though with a different purpose, because holding her close to me, would be the type of seduction that would crumble my self control like granite easily breaking through plaster. I could taste her blood in the air. The combination of it pulsing through her veins, dripping from her arm and her enticing scent was alot to deal with.
I carried Bella to the kitchen while Carlisle kept the pressure steady on her arm.
"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.
"I'm fine." She sounded relatively steady, but that didn't relieve me. The edge of pain and dizziness in her voice, underlined the grander agony I felt, forcing me to face the facts head on. No escaping this epiphany. The realization there were no excuses left to make me stay.
Alice was already there in the kitchen. Carlisle's black bag was on the table, a small but brilliant desk light plugged into the wall. I put Bella gently into a chair, and Carlisle pulled up another. He went to work at once.
I leaned over Bella, still holding my protective stance. Still not breathing. Never breathing. Desperately trying to forget how amazing it would smell if I did. How I longed to feel the burn to feed my own perverted gratification.
Bella looked at me and sighed "Just go, Edward,"
I knew she meant I should just leave the room, but her words were so fitting, the way they sounded like an encouragement. Bella knew how my throat was in flames, how I had to profess the most insane strength to linger, to protect her instead of killing her. And she wasn't even afraid. I felt sick to the core because I didn't deserve her compassion, her understanding. Here I was, I couldn't even sit down next to Bella. I couldn't even comfort her. This was another piece of evidence of what a bad influence on her life I was. Another reason to leave.
"I can handle it," I insisted, keeping my jaw rigid. I wanted so desperately to swallow the venom, to fight the burn. But I knew this blood, I had tasted this blood and I wanted to taste it again. But still, no matter how hard this was I wasn't going to leave just yet. I couldn't allow to be defeated by my own nature like this. Bella deserved someone at her side right now and I was at least going to try to be supportive, the way a boyfriend should. I'd stay until Bella was one hundred percent alright. Then I'd go.
"You don't need to be a hero," Bella said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."
Bella winced as Carlisle stuck a small needle with a sedative in her arm, ever expressing her aversion against needles.
For a moment I was hypnotized by the wound. The blood was so pure, so red. In desperate need of tasting.
I demanded myself to refrain from these thoughts. This was absurd. Bella wasn't some incredibly tasty prey, she was my only love. And so I couldn't be weak. She needed me.
"I'll stay," I said. And I would.
"Why are you so masochistic?" Bella mumbled.
Carlisle decided to intercede. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."
"Yes," Bella eagerly agreed. "Go find Jasper."
I could see the guilt in her eyes. Of course. Bella blamed herself for what happened with Jasper. She was mistaken though. It was all my fault.
"You might as well do something useful," Alice added.
I felt like I was being ganged up on, because now they all wanted me to go. No matter how much I wanted to stay, I felt my resolve falter. I was slipping and the longer I sat here and pretended to be just fine, the bigger the chance I'd end up attacking Bella myself.
I had no choice now as six pairs of eyes urged me to go.
I nodded in defeat and sprinted out the back door.
Once a few feet away from the house, I breathed in deeply.
Despite the clean air, I could taste the yearning on my tongue. I wasn't quite sure how I could not go straight back in to claim my prey and so I ran even faster. Away from the house.
I came through an opening of the woods, to find Jasper and Emmett by the river. Rosalie was sitting near Emmett and as soon as she spotted me she rolled her eyes.
This is all your fault.
Right, at least there was someone within the family to blame me. I could always count on Rosalie to be the one.
Esme was at Jasper's side. Her hand on his in comfort. She was harbouring motherly worries which were directed at both Jasper and me.
Jasper was calmer now, his thoughts full of remorse and disgust at his own weakness.
I could understand the disgust, though I wanted him to direct it at me.
As soon as Jasper caught sight of me, he held his hands up in apology.
"Edward, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what came over me.."
His apology came out in a whisper, while his thoughts were screaming in reproach. Anger and depression directed inwards. Another thing we had in common.
I understood how his mind had turned onto to autopilot, responding to the primal urge we constantly fought. It was an acceptable reaction, especially given the fact I had been the one to create the circumstances.
"Stop it..!", Rosalie snapped, "Stop blaming yourself, Jasper. It wasn't your fault!"
She glared at me with a new iciness in her eyes, making it abundantly clear whose fault this was.
Mine. Naturally.
Esme flitted to my side. She touched my cheek in comfort. Momentarily her worries were only for me. She wondered how I was coping and I wasn't sure if I wanted to share.
"How's Bella?", she asked.
It was strange for I knew Bella was hurt. But like Carlisle had said this was just a minor incident.
"Bella will be fine, with a few stitches", I whispered.
And she would be. Her wounds would heal and she'd be fine. Especially now that I had decided that after what had taken place tonight, Bella was simply never to suffer again. And as soon as I left, she would be able to move on and find the happiness I wanted her to have. Surely she would forget about me in time.
'Well, no thanks to you..", Rosalie muttered.
"Rose..", Emmett started as he patted her shoulder.
She shook him off. "Don't. Don't any of you dare to pretend this isn't a big deal, because it is. Look, last time we fought off James for Bella and he was a jerk, so maybe that didn't turn out so bad in the end. But now, now you put Jasper and our entire family in the line of fire and for what? So Edward can be with his human mate. So selfish, so typically you", she growled
I wanted to argue with her, but what could I say? Normally I'd mention something along the lines of the pot calling the kettle black - given Rosalie's tendency to think about herself first and foremost - but she was right, of course she was right.
"Shut up, Rose..", Alice called as she appeared from the woods. Her face was more relaxed now that she could breath again. She went to Jasper's side instantly.
"How are you, Jazz?", she asked as she stroked his cheek.
"I can't believe I did that. I thought I was strong enough. Really, Alice, I never dreamed I would think about hurting Bella. I would never..", he trailed off in agony.
"Ssh,", she soothed him, "It's alright. Nothing too bad happened. Bella will be fine. Everything will be fine.."
Rosalie snorted and rolled her eyes in disapproval.
"It won't be fine. Not this time", I muttered.
"It's a scratch on her arm. And getting hurt is not out of character for Bella", Alice pointed out.
Don't do it. Don't leave now, she pleaded, There's no need.
"What about Jasper?", I countered, "Will he be fine?"
"Of course", Alice said with conviction.
"You just need some time", Alice comforted him.
" I don't know, Alice", he hesitated", I don't think I can stay here.", he added in a whisper.
Alice stared at him for a moment and sighed. "We'll go to Denali together", she offered, "It'll be easier there and then, when you feel better, we come back here"
Alice's suggestion made sense. She and Jasper could solve this together. And it would mean I could stay here. With Bella.
But as if she was attuned to my thoughts all of a sudden, Rosalie shook her head.
"No", she spoke angrily, "If Jazz goes, we all do. And I mean all of us. Why should Jasper be the only one to leave?"
Esme, who had remained quiet all this time, now spoke directly at Rosalie "Carlisle has a job here and Edward has Bella. He and Alice are seniors now. Leaving would be very inconvenient"
"Oh, I am sure it would be", Rosalie agreed sarcastically. "Of course it would be so inconvenient if Edward had to leave Bella"
"Rose, C'mon. Don't do this now. No one is in the mood", Emmett urged
She shrugged and stalked a few feet away, motioning Jasper to go with her.
"I'll take him hunting. Emm, are you coming?", she wondered as Jasper followed after her.
Emmett gave me an apologetic glance and turned to catch up with Rosalie and Jasper.
Alice didn't move as she watched them walk away. Her toughts were completely devoted to worrying about Jasper at first, but then she turned to scrutinize my face.
"You can't leave", she said angrily.
Esme nodded and chimed in. "We just have to be more careful around Bella. This was a bit unexpected, but I think we handled it well", she smiled softly.
She was right, though the only reason tonight's event hadn't turned into a bloodbath, was because Carlisle had remained focused and calm. Without him, things would've probably been a whole lot worse.
"I can't leave?!", I snapped, "Be more careful?, I shouted as I echoed their comments.
"Don't you see", I continued in a whisper now, "Rosalie is right. It wouldn't be fair for Jasper to leave, while I stay behind to be with Bella. The only reason he almost slipped, was because of my recklessness. At the very least I owe him my support, my suffering. If he leaves, we all leave.."
"But you can't just take Bella with you", Esme pointed out, " Her father lives here and surely he'd never allow it. Not to mention school. Edward, dear Jasper just needs some space. I think it is a good idea for him and Alice to go to Denali or some place else for a while.."
But then, as soon as the words came from her lips, I could see awareness sinking in.
Oh, she wouldn't be coming with him.
"Bella wouldn't come with us, would she?", Esme concluded.
"No..", I said quietly.
"So, you are really going through with it this time?", Esme wondered, "You're leaving Bella?"
The sadness in her voice was thick and she would've cried if she could have. Then she just shook her head and moved back towards the house.
"I need to start cleaning up inside", she explained.
"It happened. Lets just get over it. This isn't so bad. Bella gets hurt all the time. Carlisle fixed her up. End of story.", Alice stated as we watched Esme go.
Her words fueled a fire of remorse and repellence in me. "End of story?! Is that what you think this is? That this will the last time Bella gets hurt. You're dead wrong about that and you know it. And this is bad. She could have died because we all wanted her blood. But you're right about one thing. This is the end of the story, because we're leaving. ", I said.
"You say that now", Alice rolled her eyes, "But you could change your mind.."
"I won't", I vowed, "Not this time"
"We'll see.."
Alice shrugged and turned away, leaving me alone.
I took another deep breath and pushed the pain away as far as I could. No need for Bella to see my wavering and the doubt in my decision. I eyed myself in the reflection of the river to find my features smooth. On the surface at least. But that would be enough.
I ran back through the woods to the house and headed back inside where I halted in the dining room, only to catch the last of my father's conversation with Bella. Before I stepped in, I heared his words.
"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward.", Carlisle told Bella.
Saved me. I couldn't remember much from my human days, but what I did know was that I hadn't been an unhappy young man, certainly not someone living a bad life. My mother loved me and my father did the best he could, trying to support his family. But when that rampaging flu almost killed me and my mother had begged Carlisle to save me, he didn't have any choice but to save me from death.
That was one way of saving someone. The other way, the truer definition of the word for me came with Bella's presence in my life.
She had saved me. From an endless existence of bitterness and solitude. She had altered me. From monster to man. But that was of no use to me now. I had a role to play, a pretence to uphold, just for now.
I closed my eyes for a brief second to focus on how I was going to play my part believably.
"I suppose I should take you home now.", Carlisle said. I could hear the smile in his voice.
"I'll do that," I told him, as I stepped in slowly from the dining room.
Bella scrutinized my face with a mixture of curiosity and worry in her eyes.
I tried to remain composed, knowing this wouldn't be such a problem if I kept a straight face.
Play your part.
But I could tell, it didn't completely convince her, as she frowned for a moment and some knowledge flared in her eyes. Drat, if only Bella wouldn't have this uncanny ability to see right through me. Just like she seemed to do now.
"Carlisle can take me," Bella said as she looked down her shirt. The cotton was soaked with her blood though some spots were already brown, and dried up. This did not mean it appealed to me less, in spite of the fact it was tainted with the small motes of dust and fabric. Contaminated. But I couldn't breath freely just yet, not until the drenched shirt was gone. But I could not tell Bella this, because I didn't want to frighten or repulse her with my bloodlust.
Her shoulder was covered in pink frosting. It would almost be comical if it all wasn't so damn serious.
"I'm fine." I told her, knowing she could hear the detachment in my voice. The same detachment I had used when James had hunted her. The remoteness I had used to protect myself from the pain of losing her. Like I was doing now. Except this time I wasn't losing Bella, I was giving her up. I felt the mask slip, the pain seaping through.
Stay remote, smooth. She doesn't need to see, I commanded myself.
"You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something.", I continued as I strode out the kitchen door again.
Outside I could breath. But I wasn't free from the despair. I could hear the worry in Bella's voice as the words drifted from the kitchen.
"He's very upset.", Bella said with certainty.
"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."
"It's not his fault."
But she was wrong. It was my fault.
"She's right", Alice commented as she eyed the kitchen door, "This isn't your fault. No reason to suddenly become irrational and decide to do something stupid."
"It's Jasper's fault then?", I asked wryly.
She didn't answer me at first, as her mind filled itself with images of a growling and hissing Jasper. But then the pictures faded, and new thoughts appeared. Thoughts she spoke aloud.
"You're a fool", Alice muttered, "You can't leave. You've tried before, remember. You never succeeded."
I remembered and Alice was right. I had never been strong enough. Always too weak to go. Until tonight. When Bella had cut her finger and Jasper had nearly jumped her. When I'd slammed her into the table and the glass. That's when I'd finally found the courage. The will to protect something bigger and more precious than my own needs.
Hers.
Alice gazed at me and slowly, as she took in my face, a vision flashed through her mind. Blurry at first but as our eyes held contact, it defined, sharper and sharper until it was crystal clear.
"We're leaving..", she whispered.
"Yes.."
I breathed in deeply, almost pleased to have convinced my sister. But then the afterpain hit me. The vision had been so clear, so devastating.
We were all going to leave.
"You can't tell her tonight. Not on her birthday. Lets at least wait until morning. Maybe that'll give you a new perspective", Alice pleaded.
I didn't answer and walked back inside through the back doors. Alice hurried after me and went to Bella's side - who was now in the living room with Esme and Carlisle. I remained further away, because the smell on her shirt was still too much.
"C'mon, I'll get you something less macabre to wear." Alice said as she towed Bella upstairs.
Don't take my best friend away.
Carlisle waited until they were out of sight and hearing range.
"How are you?", he asked quietly.
I didn't answer. I wasn't feeling good, or even bad. I felt numb.
"We'll discuss our options in the morning", Carlisle stated firmly.
This decision needs more than one perspective, son. You know we'll support you no matter what you want to do.
I nodded and waited by the front door and opened it as soon as Alice and Bella came down the stairs. I kept my face unreadable and tried to be casual about breathing, knowing the visible relief of in- and exhaling would alarm Bella. I didn't want it to be too obvious I had held my breath, though I was certain she knew.
"Take your things!" Alice cried as Bella walked toward me, her eyes full of questions. She was trying very hard to find out what I was thinking, like an odd reversal of roles. For once I didn't want to know her thoughts because they were certainly full of horror images of Jasper taking a snap at her, of me slamming her into the table. And the undeserved understanding which had followed.
Alice scooped up the two packages, the one half-opened, and Bella's camera from under the piano, and pressed them into Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."
Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight. I could see them stealing quick glances at me. They were worried about me and corcerned about the consequences of my decision. Esme especially thought about how it would affect Bella if we left.
We walked to the truck in silence. Bella didn't say anything and neither did I. I had no idea what to say. Which words could lighten the mood, what could give this horrific celebration a more positive ending? I didn't know, I had nothing. Neither did she, it seemed.
I opened the passenger side for Bella and she climbed in without complaint.
On the dashboard was a big red ribbon, stuck to the new stereo.
Blood red, how appropriate.
Bella pulled it off, throwing it to the floor, kicking it under her seat, assuming I didn't see.
I didn't face Bella or looked at the freshly installed stereo as I got behind the wheel.
I turned on the engine and sped down the lane.
The silence was intense and somehow fitting. Normally the cabin would be filled with the zinging electricity between us - how many times, when driving her home, to school or anywhere, had I longed to pull over to kiss her until she was dizzy, but didn't because I wanted to remain in control of myself. And now, there wasn't even that. The air was tainted with the anguish of what had happened tonight.
"Say something," Bella finally begged as we turned onto the freeway.
"What do you want me to say?" I asked quietly.
What could I say? There were no words to express my anger, my selfdisgust. There was nothing I could say now that would make this entire ordeal less horrific. Also, I couldn't let her see. I had to remain aloof.
"Tell me you forgive me.", Bella begged
Forgive her? I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the assumption. It was like she was speaking my lines and putting them in the wrong context while she was expressing them.
"Forgive you? For what?", I demanded.
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened.", Bella told me.
Bella had everything backwards. She feared the wrong things - attention and birthday parties instead of monsters - and she blamed herself when she was the last to have any fault at something. If I had been careful, or rather less selfish than Bella wouldn't be suffering from cracked ribs, broken legs and bleeding bodyparts.
"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty.", I said icily.
"It's still my fault.", she whispered.
Her attempt to shield the blame for this made me furious, breaking straight through my calm demeanor.
"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."
Mike Newton. Tyler Crowley. Or even Jacob Black. Normal guys. How many times had I envied them. Considered them rivals. Even now. As I was about to set her free. If she was with any of them, she would be safe. Theyd never have to leave her. Their families weren't a possible threat to her life. I certainly envied them for that.
Bella didn't seem to agree though.
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?", she demanded.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
I believed her. But again, the context was all wrong. She would die if she stayed with me, not the other way around.
"Don't be melodramatic, please.", I said
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous.", she retorted
We stayed silent the rest of the ride. I stared through the windshield, trying to calm myself and go back to the detached feeling I had clung onto before. But the anger wouldn't fade. The energy of it transferred into an aching feeling of depression.
When we pulled up in front of Bella's house, I killed the engine, but kept my hands clenched around the steering wheel. I needed to remain aloof, and in control.
"Will you stay tonight?" Bella asked. She was almost begging. She instinctively knew what great weight was placed on my decision to stay with her tonight. If I did, we could still make things alright, and salvage the evening.
"I should go home.", I said, but my will was already crumbling.
And I should. But it was so tempting to give in to her plea. Of course I wanted to stay, how could I not. But it was so wrong to give into that. I didn't deserve to lay beside her and bask in the glow coming off her body.
"For my birthday," Bella pressed.
Her logic was fallible. It was only this morning and all these weeks before she had begged me - and ordered me even - not to make a big deal about her birthday. And now she was using it to persuade me to stay. And weak as I was, I was on the verge of giving in.
"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other.", I tried to sound stern but her insane logic was enough for me to momentarily push back the choking feeling of dread inside me.
"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs.", Bella said, relief evident in her voice.
Bella hopped out and reached back to get her presents.
"You don't have to take those.", I frowned, keeping in mind how difficult it was for her to receive attention and gifts.
"I want them," Bella responded automatically.
"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you.", I told her.
"I'll live.", Bella retorted as she tucked the presents awkwardly under her good arm and slammed the door behind her.
I got out of the truck and went to Bella's side.
"Let me carry them, at least." I said as I took the packages from her arm. "I'll be in your room."
Bella smiled. "Thanks."
Her smile was too much. Too pure and magnificent to not break through my anger, my depression. In that brief moment, where Bella dazzled me, I decided to put my plan on hold, like Alice and Carlisle had requested.
For tonight.
"Happy birthday," I sighed, and I leaned down to brush my lips against Bella's.
Naturally, Bella reached up to her toes to make the kiss last longer, and as always I felt my control begin to slip. I pulled away gently, my face twisted in a smile, despite the fact I had nothing to smile about. I disappeared in the shadows as Bella went inside.
I dashed up her window throwing the gifts on Bella's bed, and I sat down myself. I could hear the TV downstairs. I listened to Bella's brief conversation with Charlie. Chief Swan wasn't even suspicious about her wound because he was aware of how prone to accidents his daughter was. He just didn't know that most of her recent 'accidents' originated from the fact I was constantly endangering her life.
I heard Bella climb up the stairs, her soft footsteps heading straight for the bathroom to get ready for the night.
As I waited for her, I thought what had passed tonight. Right now, with Bella safe and sound it was so easy to pretend that this had just been a small accident. That, although I needed to be even more careful - leaving was perhaps too drastic. But then, wasn't this the pattern I followed whenever I thought about leaving? I always found a reason to stay. And this wasn't about the incident itself, it was about the grander scheme of things. I had been careful, I had tried to protect her. But that didn't stop Bella from getting hurt. And it always let back to me. James wanted to kill her because of me. Jasper had the opportunity to kill her because I brought her into our home. And even if she was perfectly fine now and getting hurt was strangely a part of her nature, I couldn't let mine get her killed.
Bella came into her room after five minutes.
"Hi," I said. I couldn't imagine what I sounded like, but I was sure it didn't sound cheerful.
Bella came to the bed, pushed the presents out of my hands, and climbed into my lap.
How many times before had I believed to be in heaven when she was close to me like this. How many times before did I want to give in and lose self control? Too many times, and it was obviously part of the reason I had to leave. But still, the warmth, the longing, it never faded. I could not even imagine how I was going to live without it. I couldn't even bear myself to think about it.
Not tonight.
"Hi." Bella snuggled against my chest. The heat coming off her radiant body, caressing my skin like smoldering fire, felt so good.
"Can I open my presents now?", she smiled.
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered with suspicion.
"You made me curious.", Bella told me.
She picked up the long flat rectangle package. It was from Carlisle and Esme.
"Allow me," I suggested, wanting to prevent her from getting hurt again. That would make this night into an even greater disaster if such a thing were possible. I took the gift from her hand and tore the silver paper off. I handed the white box back to Bella.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she muttered.
I knew what was in there. But I wondered if we'd ever get to use it.
It had been Esme's idea, knowing from my stories how much Bella missed her mother. She and Carlisle bought Bella two plane vouchers to go to Jacksonville to visit Renée. Bella and I, together.
Bella looked at the voucher and it took her a minute to get the gist of the information. Once she did, her eyes lit up.
"We're going to Jacksonville?", she asked excitedly, despite the fact it went against her nature to accept gifts.
"That's the idea.", I told her
"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day.",
"I think I can handle it," I said, frowning. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!", Bella cheered.
She was so confident, so sure of our future, that for a moment I actually saw it too. A future where we'd easily live with the possiblity of Bella getting hurt, where I'd try and prevent it as much as I could. And because we were happy and our love was strong, we eagerly accepted these downsides to our love.
But then the moment popped like a bubble and all I could focus on what right here and now.
Just enjoy it while you still can.
And I was going to do just that.
I chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."
Bella set the tickets aside and reached for my - and Alice's - present, curiosity flaming her eyes from chocolate to a sparkling golden brown.
I took it from her and unwrapped it like the first one.
I handed her the clear CD jewel case, with a blank silver CD inside.
"What is it?" Bella asked, perplexed.
I didn't say anything, and I took the CD, reaching around Bella to put it in the CD player on the bedside table.
I hit play and waited in silence for Bella's reaction. Then the music began.
Bella listened, speechless and wide-eyed. I waited for her reaction, but she remained silent. For a moment I wondered if maybe she didn't like it.
Tears welled up in Bella's eyes and she reached up to wipe them away before they could spill over.
"Does your arm hurt?" I asked anxiously, assuming she cried because she was in pain.
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it.", Bella told me softly.
She stopped speaking then, because she wanted to listen.
They were my compositions, the ones Alice had helped me record. Amongst them the one playing now, Bella's lullaby.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained.
"You're right.", she agreed
"How does your arm feel?", I wondered
"Just fine." Bella said but it was an automatic response. She wasn't fine because I could feel the scorching heat come from under the bandage.
"I'll get you some Tylenol.", I said.
"I don't need anything," she protested, but I ignored this and slid her off my lap and headed for the door.
"Charlie," Bella hissed.
Charlie was snoozing on the couch now that he had caught up with all the games. I could hear the soft snores and scanned through the vague dreams in his mind. He was completely out and wouldn't catch me.
"He won't catch me," I promised as I disappeared silently out the door, only to return a few seconds later with a glass of water and the Tylenol.
She took the pills I handed her without arguing.
Meanwhile, her lullaby continued, softly, in the background.
"It's late," I noted.
I scooped Bella up off the bed with one arm, pulling the cover back with the other. I put her down softly, carefully placing her head on the pillow, and tucked the quilt around her.
I lay down next to Bella, on top of the covers so she wouldn't get chilled—and put my arm over her. I could feel her warmth through the thick blanket.
She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed happily.
"Thanks again," she whispered
"You're welcome.", I told her.
It was so odd to hear Bella sound so relaxed, so happy. Like nothing had happened tonight. If only.
It was quiet for a long moment as we listened to her lullaby drift to a close. Another song began. Esme's favorite.
"What are you thinking about?'" Bella suddenly whispered, breaking the silence.
I hesitated because the answer to that question wasn't a pleasant one. One that would give away far too much of the turmoil I felt inside.
"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually.", I told her in earnest.
Bella shivered through the quilt, and I knew this wasn't because she was cold.
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked quickly.
It was clear her question was a distraction but I allowed it.
"Yes," I agreed, feeling instantly wary at what it could be she was going to ask me.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
Right. Another kiss. The perfect way to distract me. And how could I refuse, when I wanted to feel her warmth so badly.
"You're greedy tonight.", I noted.
"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she added, piqued.
I laughed, and then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do."
Like leave. I definitely didn't want to do that.
I put my hand under her chin to pull her face up to mine.
I softly touched my lips to hers and it wasn't before long her heart start to react to this, racing in her chest, pounding against mine.
But then, as our kiss was about to intensify and I needed to pull away like I always did, I realized a painful truth.
This would be the last time I'd feel her lips on mine. Because I couldn't bear to taste the sweetness of them again, knowing I'd never be able to leave if I did.
So I enjoyed it while I could, ruffling through her long brown silken locks, pressing myself closer to her so I could bath in her warmth.
Inside me the yearning grew and I wanted nothing more but to stay in the moment forever.
Much like the first night I came here, knowing it would be the beginning, this was a beginning too.
The beginning of the end.
When I stopped it felt so abrupt, so infinite.
I regained control and pushed Bella away gently but firmly.
"Sorry," I said, trying to catch my breath. "That was out of line."
"I don't mind," Bella panted.
Of course she didn't. She had no idea of what was right and wrong for her. I was wrong for her, no matter how right she believed me to be.
"Try to sleep. Bella.", I frowned.
"No, I want you to kiss me again.", she told me.
As do I, but I can't.
"You're overestimating my self-control.", I said wryly. How true this was, in more ways than one. My self-control wasn't just so she'd be protected against the bloodlust inside me. It was my protection against the faltering of my own will.
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she challenged.
I grinned, despite the serious tone of the night. I had no choice, because it was a typical Bella question to ask. How I would miss this.
"It's a tie." I smiled,
"Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?", I encouraged her.
"Fine," she agreed, snuggling closer to me.
It didn't take long for Bella to drift away, the stress and pain must have exhausted her. I monitored her breath, her steady heart.
I committed them to memory. The echo of her heart - my replacement heart - pounded in my head like a mocking goodbye sonata. Her steady breath pushing her amazing scent into my nostrils. The burn of it, a permanent marker in my mind, filling the hollow deep inside me.
The room had never been so dark and slowly but effectively I felt it come over me.
It was much like that first night, though entirely opposite in its consequences.
Instead of drowning in a kind of happiness which was surely greater than any kind known to men, I drowned in this haunting darkness, causing waves of fear so terrifying.
I felt the pain of the wounds as they were being etched into my skin, my heart, knowing stitches wouldn't be able close them up. I'd forever be trapped in this body which was now broken, and absent of mind and heart.
I closed my eyes, allowing the agony and the darkness to pull me under.
When I opened them, I was altered again, or rather reversed. In the worst way.
I wasn't even like before - before Bella came into my life - where I'd found some kind of purpose in my existence, albeit very insignificant. I couldn't even feel a sense of monotony, or any kind of small meaning. There wasn't even a hint of light to point of out some kind of reason.
Just endlessness.
My midnight sun had fallen over the horizon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As always, I'd like to thank every one whose read this and/or left a review, it means so much to me, so thank you, truly! R&R, please :)
Happy Sunday!