CHAPTER 3: THE END
"I've awaited its arrival
I'm not the last one standing
Can't depart with a smile
Because I've dreaded this ending
And now that it has found me
Collecting all I ever had
I barely remain standing
to bear this ending I so dread"
I thought I'd eventually get used to it. That the hours -as they passed - would allow the darkness to settle inside me without robbing me from my infallible eye-sight. And I did notice every shade on the wall, every dust mote floating in the air. I could see, and yet I was completely blind at the same time.
Like sifting through the muddiest of water with open eyes, there was no light. No point of reason. The shimmering brightness which had shined through my existence the past few months had been dimmed.
Maybe things would have gone different, if I could have seen one single ray of light on the wall somewhere, to prove there was some kind of meaning left.
But unlike that first night in Bella's room, where my midnight sun had started shining, the revelation was entirely other this time. There was nothing.
Nothing but darkness. A black hole I had fallen in, and I didn't have the strength to pull myself out of it. To command myself to fight it.
I could do nothing but sit there in the rocking chair, motionless, waiting for morning.
I finally truly understood why I had postponed this, why I had delayed the decision to leave and pushed it away so many times. Why I'd never been strong enough before. The pain, only starting to rip me apart inside, not even at the peek of its mutilation, was already sheer torment.
It reminded me of the pain of transformating from man to monster, a pain I'd always believed to be the most excruciating of pains I had ever experienced.
But this was so much worse. Because that pain had set something in motion, it had meant something. This was beyond pain. It was terrifying to know that there was really nothing there, that the idea of going back to the life before Bella, frightened me. It should be easy, after all I had centuries of experience with purgatory, but I had no idea how to slip back into the droning repeats of my immortal life. How did one go back to that, after experiencing the best moments of his life with the only girl he'd ever love? It seemed impossible.
My muscles, normally flexible and strong felt rigid and wound tight, like they were about to snap. My throat was dry from the aching thirst. It had been a while since I had hunted and the faintest memory of the taste of Bella's blood on my tongue, made the venom flow in my mouth. Soon, I would be without this desire, soon my everlasting self-control would no longer serve the purpose of protecting Bella.
When morning eventually came, it didn't bring along the kind of relief, I'd been hoping for. Instead, acceptance washed over me. There was no resolution in the grey skies. The clouds covering the light looked sinister and permanent. It was fitting to the moment, for I had long used up all my escape-routes, my excuses to stay.
Just before 6.30 AM - the exact time Chief Swan's alarm clock would go off - I went to sit on the edge of the bed.
How many times had I looked at Bella while she was sleeping, marveling her beauty and kindness. Elated and overjoyed by her presence in my life. Amazed by the knowledge she wanted me, despite of what I was. Stunned by the fact, I had been awarded this amount of good kind of fortune.
She was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I swallowed hard as I ran my eyes over her face. She was so exquisite. So perfect. And I loved her endlessly. But more than anything she deserved a long and happy - safe- life.
I remembered the day after our eventful and confessional night in Port Angeles. When Jessica Stanley - of all people - had tricked Bella's feelings for me out of her. Bella - at the time - had been convinced she liked me more than I liked her. The most absurd idea, back then.
I thought about what I told her, during lunch that same day.
Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it, if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.
Now I knew better. I didn't care the most. Bella loved me as much as I loved her.
But it was my responsibility to keep her safe. And as unimaginable as it seemed, especially when I thought of those times, where I wanted to leave, but didn't have the will - the time had finally come.
I leaned in to press my lips to her forehead, before I ducked out the window.
The blow came when I hit the ground. I felt the warmth of her skin burn on my lips. But it wasn't the pleasant heat I was used to. It was like a stinging afterbite. A grim fate sealed with an unreturned kiss. It was all I was going to get.
It almost felt good to run, sprinting through the woods. This was natural for me, not the human face I had to put on; the mask of distant pretence I had to wear in front of Bella. Here I was free to let the pain take me over.
I arrived home to find Alice waiting for me on the front porch.
She was very worried. About Jasper. But also about Bella. She had already seen what was to come, I was sure.
"How's Jasper?", I asked, out of courtesy. Selfish as I was, my brother's wellbeing was far down the list of my concerns. Another reason why I had to leave. I'd been so focused on Bella all these months, that I had managed to neglect my family, and they deserved better than that.
"Still feeling very guilty. ", Alice told me.
I nodded.
"Edward, we have talked about this last night and Jasper and I are going to Denali."
"Today", Alice added
I simply nodded again.
Brilliant. Not only had I neglected my family but I had also driven them from our home. I was disgusted at how my self-serving ways had caused so much damage.
"Alice, I am sorry. I never meant for this to happen", I mumbled.
I know. Maybe this is a good thing. Jasper has been having a hard time for quite a while now. Perhaps the time away will do him some good.
"I hope so.."
Alice stayed quiet for a moment then, while she tried to decipher what she saw on my face. When it hit her, her face fell.
You're going to tell her goodbye soon, she guessed.
"She doesn't know yet, does she?", Alice wondered sadly
"No...."
"You know she won't take it well. She won't just let you go. ", Alice pointed out.
I shook my head and tried to ignore her words. I didn't want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. I didn't want to discuss with Alice how Bella was going to take the news of our departure because it wouldn't affect the outcome. Alice wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise. And even if Bella wouldn't let me go easily, I'd still have to do it.
"What choice do I have?", I said flatly, "You think it's better to wait until I actually end up killing her.."
I for one never believed you were going to kill Bella, despite the distinct possibility in my vision. You loved her from the start, and it has always been more powerful than the bloodlust.
"Well, I suppose everything is solved if I just condemn her to immortality then. ", I muttered angrily.
That's your choice to make.
"And I won't. The only thing I can do now is leave. It's be the best thing for Bella."
Alice sighed unhappily. "I am going to miss her so much."
Yes. Me too. More than that, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to survive without her, but perhaps all my experience with living a monotone existence would prove useful now.
"I have to get ready for school.."
Alice nodded.
"Look, Jasper and I will be leaving this afternoon. Rose and Emmett will go with us for a while. Carlisle and Esme both have to tie up some loose ends here and make some new living arrangements. They will follow tomorrow."
She looked me over and took a deep breath. "And you..."
"I'll tie up my loose ends as soon as I can. A day or two", I mumbled.
The image filling my sister's head was wry and colourless. It reminded me of the visit to the meadow - painted in sepia tones back then - last week, when the choking panic had already hit me, like a pre-cognitive sense that something bad was going to happen. In Alice's vision, I recognized the woods behind Bella's house, the trail from the yard to the forest. But most prominent was Bella's face, twisted into a mask of pain and rejection. And my face - beyond recognition - hard and without emotion.
"Stop that", I ordered her.
Sorry.
"Maybe I can see Bella before we leave. I really want to say goodbye. I could drive up to school and then during lunch..", Alice started
"No", I interrupted her fiercely, "You cannot do that. That will make things even harder for her.."
If you think that is best. I really believe...
I cut in before she could finish her thought. "I said 'no!', Alice. Bella needs a clean break and multiple goodbyes won't help with that."
"Fine", she muttered, "But make no mistake. This won't be a clean break for her. No matter what you'll say."
Then she walked away.
I changed clothes and drove to school. After a night of practice, it should be effortless to keep my face smooth, my behavour aloof. It was hard though, harder than I'd imagined to keep the pain - ripping me to pieces internally - from showing on my face and in my eyes. As long as Bella wouldn't see through the mask, then I'd spare her the extra hurt of knowing what I was going through.
Still, knowing Bella and the way she could see straight through me most of the time, it was surely not going to be easy.
I waited for Bella at school, watching students arrive. I wondered how this place would look in a few days, and if anyone would notice our absence. Anyone besides Bella. Things would probably look more normal, and less morbid without the Cullens around. And surely this would be a good thing for Bella too. She wouldn't have to sit at the opposite side of the table anymore, with Alice and me. She could sit with her friends again. Be human.
The moment Bella arrived was difficult, and it made my mouth twitch. It was natural for me to respond to her. Smile at the sight of her. But I couldn't. My face couldn't twist out of this mask.
I opened the door for her. "How do you feel?" was all I could bear to ask without losing my remoteness. I heard my own voice and realized it sounded off.
"Perfect," she said.
A lie. Bella didn't look perfect - notwithstanding the natural perfection she had; her hold on me made it so difficult not to lean in and press my lips to hers - but her eyes were tired, her face more pale than usual. Perhaps it was her arm bothering her, maybe she was exhausted from her restless night. Or - and I shuddered to think this was the reason, though it was very possible - she knew something very bad was looming on the horizon.
The morning passed slowly. Every class was dull and seemed to drag on. Bella took notes where necessary but she wasn't focused. She fidgeted alot and kept staring at me, when she thought I wasn't looking. But I always felt her gaze on me. I was just no longer in the position to stare back. I couldn't allow myself to give into the need to drown in the pools of her chocolate brown eyes, no matter how much I longed to.
We didn't keep up a conversation and only exchanged words when I'd occasionally ask about her arm. Her answer was always the same. And always a lie.
I could feel how the silence was building and expanding into a great discomfort, an atmosphere Bella was probably also aware of. If anything, it certainly seemed to make her restless.
She got especially anxious when lunchtime arrived, as she walked to the cafeteria with impatience. Her face fell when she didn 't find Alice at our table.
"Where's Alice?" Bella asked me, her face acutely panic-stricken.
Next to the worry and the apprehension, I could sense the hurt in her voice. Sense it, because I wasn't looking at her. I didn't want to see the pain in her words reflecting in her eyes and so I concentrated on the granola bar I was slowly pulverizing between my fingertips while I answered her. "She's with Jasper."
"Is he okay?", Bella wondered.
"He's gone away for a while.", I said quietly.
"What? Where?", Bella's voice was an octave higher now, more demanding and worried.
I shrugged. "Nowhere in particular."
"And Alice, too," Bella said with quiet desperation.
"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."
And had succeeded. They were probably already on their way there.
For a moment, as Bella looked in the distance to comprehend the news, I looked at her eyes - the gateway to her thoughts - and I could see exactly what she was thinking now. She was blaming herself for my mistakes. Typical Bella. So backwards, because she had absolutely no fault in this whatsoever.
Her head bowed and her shoulders slumped. I wasn't certain if it was the realization that Alice wasn't coming back, or perhaps her arm causing her distress.
"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked her, worry breaking through my aloof stance.
"Who cares about my stupid arm?" Bella muttered in disgust, and she put her head down on the table.
I didn't know how to respond to that so I grabbed the piece of a bagle to pulverize it. I no longer had the strength to comfort her. It wasn't my place anymore.
By the end of the day, the silence was becoming ridiculous. I was certain Bella was very much aware of the difference in my behavour. Perhaps it was self-preservation that she didn't ask about it. Maybe she didn't want to know the answer. And it wasn't like I had any idea of what to say.
Maybe she thought I needed some time to deal with what had happened the night before and wanted to give me the space to do it. So many assumptions and no way to find out which one was correct.
"You'll come over later tonight?" Bella asked as we walked—silently—to her truck.
"Later?", I wondered, unaware she was apparently otherwise engaged after school.
This unsettled me for I had hoped - such an odd thing to hope for - to not prolong my goodbye, wanting to leave as soon as I could. For Bella's sake, and the sake of my family too. But now, these plans were crossed with whatever appointment Bella had.
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off.", Bella explained.
"Oh," I murmured.
Darn. This meant I couldn't say goodbye today. But could I stand it to keep this charade up another one? The mask was already choking me, deforming my face into a permanent grimace of detachment. Such a lie. Such a horrible part to play.
"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Bella asked.
"If you want me to.", I said flatly.
"I always want you," she reminded me, her words intense and glorious. Perhaps she even said them on purpose, to remind me of her felings - and mine. But it was no longer meant for me to feel happiness with Bella, to claim her as my own. I had made my choice, unwillingly, but still a conscious decision. And I owed it to Bella - and my family - to stick with it.
"All right, then," I said indifferently.
I pressed my lips to her forehead and shut the door behind her.
The sensation was still wrong but it didn't hurt as much now. It made sense that this no longer thrilled me and it was better that my body was now hollow and no longer able to process the right feeling when I touched Bella. It was almost a small mercy.
I found Carlisle and Esme at home - or rather, the house we were soon to leave behind to find a new one - filling boxes. Apparently, we weren't taking the furniture - they were covered in white sheets to protect them from dust. It almost seemed like this was temporary, like we would return here at some point - but Carlisle needed his books. Esme too was packing some memorabilia, including some of her sketching pads.
"How is Bella?", Carlisle informed as he carefully taped the boxes that were full.
"Her arm is bothering her alot, I think", I said, knowing my father wasn't just asking for her physical condition, but her emotional state as well. I just didn't know what to tell him.
"I could examine it again or prescribe a stronger kind of pain medicine", my father offered.
Right, like morphine could take away the emotional pain of our break-up.
Though this isn't just about her arm, is it?
"No", I shook my head sadly, "And thank you, but it's better if you don't. This is already going to be very difficult as it is"
Esme came to my side and hugged me. "You could stay", she said
But I couldn't. Not anymore. I was long past wavering. Whatever it had been that had pulled me under last night, in her room, it was spreading fast. There was no way back.
"No..", I whispered
Carlisle chimed in. "Edward, you could stay until you graduate. Both of you. And maybe then..."
He didn't finish his sentence aloud. But I could see in his mind what he was thinking.
Bella, still and white. Perfect as ever. Except with bloodred eyes.
Eternal.
"NO!!", I roared, a small portion of the emotions I kept hidden so deeply, resurfacing, "I will never put Bella through that. Ever.", I vowed.
I took a deep breath. "And we're a family. If all of you leave, I leave too..."
"And Bella?", Esme wondered softly
"Bella will be fine. Safe. She'll have the normal life she deserves", I muttered
Carlisle nodded and padded my shoulder. "If leaving is what you want, you know we support your decision."
My father's words were similar to the ones Alice had used earlier. I was surprised at how my family didn't seem more relieved with the idea they no longer had to pretend in front of Bella. But maybe they had never minded that. Perhaps it was never a pretense for them.
"It is..."
"Alright. Esme and I will go hunting tonight and leave for Denali first thing tomorrow morning. "
Carlisle looked me over.
Look at his eyes. They're pitch-black.
"I advice you to hunt too, before you...go. ", he said.
I nodded and sprinted up the stairs. I didn't push to hear what my parents were thinking now. I knew my eyes were blacker than ever. Not because I was thirsty - though it would be better to hunt before I left - but because the darkness inside me, was showing in my eyes.
I went to Bella's house just around dinnertime, expecting her to be there too.
But she wasn't home yet and Charlie seemed surprised when he let me in.
"Bella ain't here yet. You want some pizza?", he asked. He didn't wait for my answer and walked back into the living room to watch ESPN.
I joined him in the arm chair, while he plumped down on the sofa. We watched the teams go at it in silence. Charlie would occasionally cheer or mutter "good game", while I was barely aware of what sports we were watching.
Eventually, after what seemed to be ages, Bella arrived home.
"Dad? Edward?", Bella called as she walked through the front door.
"In here," Charlie called.
"Hi," Bella said. Her voice sounded off.
"Hey, Bella," Charlie answered, while he kept his eyes focused on the screen. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."
"Okay."
Bella waited in the doorway and I knew she expected me to say something. I concentrated really hard on giving off the right expression as I turned to her and smiled. It was awkward because there was no sincerity behind it. Just the mask twisting into an expected - falsely assuring - expression. Her eyes were as wrong as mine. There was something brimming in them - perhaps the same ugly truth I was preparing myself - and Bella - for. But like me, she perversely hid it behind her own mask. I wasn't sure what her motivation was, though.
"I'll be right behind you," I promised and let my eyes stray back to the TV.
I knew she was shocked. I didn't need to see her face again to hear her heart give away her reaction. Never had I chosen to watch sports over spending time with her. Never had I wanted to. Never had it been necessary.
Bella went into the kitchen then. Knowing I wasn't going to follow.
I knew she was there, in the other room. Waiting for me. Waiting for things to go back to normal. Knowing this wasn't going to happen.
I didn't know what she'd be thinking in there and just this once I was happy she was the one exception to my gift. I was better off not knowing her agony, for it would only expand my own. That's why I had to hide behind the mask until our final goodbye. It would do Bella no good to know what was bothering me, to know about the chilling darkness that had hollowed me out inside. It would scare her and she'd want to fix things. Things that were beyond repair.
It could have been ages later when there was some movement. Bella came out of the kitchen, but she moved straight past the living room and up the stairs. In the second she passed I noticed the camera in her hands.
It was a short while later when I heard her bound down the stairs again.
From my peripheral vision I could see she was leaning around the corner, camera ready to snap a picture. I didn't look up, I merely kept my face fixated on the TV-screen.
When Bella took the picture, Charlie looked up. I did the same as an automatic -human - reaction. Charlie frowned. I wasn't sure what could be read on my face.
"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.
"Oh, come on." Bella went to sit on the floor in fron of Charlie, taking more pictures. She was smiling, but her face was mirroring mine. It was all meant to be a pretense. I just didn't understand why she was pretending.
"You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."
"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he grumbled.
"Because you're so handsome," Bella replied, keeping it light. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."
"Now I wish I hadn't bought the darn thing", Charlie muttered, too low for Bella to hear.
"Hey, Edward," Bella said, her voice surprisingly neutral, "Take one of me and my dad together."
She threw the camera toward me without looking at me, and knelt beside the arm of the sofa where Charlie's face was. Charlie sighed.
"You need to smile, Bella," I murmured.
Her lips curled up in a painful grimace of make-belief happiness. All meant to support the parts we both seemed to be playing.
"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie suggested.
I stood and lightly tossed him the camera.
Bella went to stand beside me, and I put one hand lightly on her shoulder, while Bella wrapped her arm more securely around my waist. This was a natural reaction - maybe I was wrong about Bella pretending, or maybe she simply couldn't help herself - one I wanted to copy, how could I not? But any kind of real physical contact would make my will crumble. And I couldn't affort to be weak. And so the portrait became a formal one. All wrong and yet so befitting.
"Smile, Bella," Charlie reminded her again. I couldn't even look at her face to see if she would oblige.
"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said then, shoving the camera into a crevice of the sofa cushions and rolling over it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."
I dropped my hand from her shoulder and twisted casually out of her arm. I sat back down in the armchair, wondering how long this would have to go on. A part of me wanted to stop the act, and just forget about the plan.
I could tell Bella hesitated for a minute and then she went to sit against the sofa again. Her hands were shaking and I knew she was slowly coming to terms with what was going to happen. And how she wasn't going to stop it.
Eventually, the show ended. Bella hadn't moved at all since she had sat down.
I rised and walked toward the hall.
"I'd better get home," I said.
Charlie didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."
Bella stumbled slightly as she got to her feet and followed me out the front door.
It was pouring outside. Such appropriate weather for an impending goodbye.
"Will you stay?" Bella asked, her voice flat and lifeless. She knew the answer.
No.
"Not tonight." I said as I walked away.
I got in my car and drove off while Bella stood there in the rain, unmoving. The sight of her in the rear-view mirror made the mask on my face ache. I so badly wanted to snap out of it. But it was like I was a mute. Like I was trapped in this body, strangled by the gloom. And in all fairness, I was. I had been trapped for ninety years. Like a caged animal which had been tamed by love, now wounded and set free. But how would he survive in the unknown wilderness?
I arrived home to find most of our things packed. My room was the only one which didn't resemble the emptiness of the rest of the house.
Carlisle and Esme weren't there. They were hunting, like Carlisle had told me in the afternoon.
I spend the night packing. At some point during the night, when I was carefully placing clothes, books and CD's in some boxes, I found a small object in the back pocket of some khaki's.
The bottle cap from the first time Bella had sat with me at lunch. My token, my keepsake. I threw it in a garbage bin, and continued packing.
But my eyes kept wandering to the bin and when my final box was stuffed to the top, I grabbed the bottle cap and threw it in. I allowed myself this one materialized reminder. The rest would forever be stored inside me.
The next day was much alike the previous one with the exception that the house was completely empty now, apart from the furniture. Carlise and Esme left just before dawn, both sympathic with me. I promised them I'd call as soon as I was on my way.
The rest of the day was even more morose than the one before. Bella and I didn't speak and the silence became more unbearable as time went on. We exchanged one word when Bella didn't know the answer when Mr. Berty asked her a question and I whispered it her ear. I barely noticed when Bella gave Jessica her camera during lunch with the request to take some pictures. I simply assumed she did this for Renée, giving her mother some insight into her life and friends here. And soon enough that normal portrait of Bella's life would be without the abnormality of my presence in it.
I had stopped to read the minds of the students around me days ago, and I blocked out the thoughts about Bella, though the gist of them were filled with small worry from her friends, who wondered if Bella and I had a fight of some kind to cause this friction between us.
Friction. Fighting. If only that'd been possible. Little did Bella's friends know, that we were long past that. I could only hope that they'd be there for her once I left.
Bella had to work again after school and again, it crossed with my plans to execute my goodbye. And since I didn't feel like a repeat of the previous night, I stayed away. Playing pretend by watching sports with Charlie was no longer necessary. Bella knew it was an act.
Instead I went hunting like Carlisle had suggested.
Dashing trough the woods, giving in to my most primal urges felt good. Serene. The blood didn't satuate the thirst like it normally did. It just proved and underlined what I was. A monster, never able to be a man. This comforted me in a morbid way, for it made me all the more determined to follow this through. With every drip of blood that filled my body, I felt calmer. Like an actor who was ready for the final act of the play.
Alice's vision from the day before played in my head. Over and over. Bella's face, full of pain, numb. I would break her down. I could only hope she'd understand some day.
The next day wasn't new, but just a repeat of the previous ones. I waited for Bella until she arrived. We walked to class in silence. I was almost happy when school was over. Relieved that I didn't have to pretend much longer.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked before we got to the truck.
"Of course not."
"Now?" I asked again, opening the door for her.
"Sure," Bella told me as she got in, "I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."
I looked at the fat envelope on the passenger seat reaching over and snagged it.
"I'll do it," I said quietly. "And I'll still beat you there.", I smiled at her, not knowing why. This wasn't going to be a happy moment. Maybe I was just trying to comfort her, to soften the blow.
"Okay," Bella agreed, but she didn't return my smile. I shut the door, and headed toward my car.
I raced to the mailbox with the sole purpose of dropping off the letter and go straight to Bella's house.
But as I stood there, the envelope weighing heavy in my hands, something occured to me. I stared at the thick package. It wasn't hard to decipher what was in there with the letter to Renée. I felt bad for prying but I couldn't stop my fingers from sliding past the seal. I was too curious to stop myself. In the envelope I found Bella's letter to her mother, but I didn't read it. Already I was invading Bella's privacy by going through the rest on the content in the envelope. After I had taken the photos out, I did something unforgiveable. Instead of dropping the entire content of the envelope in the mailbox, I quickly scanned through the photos and took the three most important ones out. The one of Bella and me together, the portrait incredibly formal because my face was so cold and a sharp contrast to Bella's beautiful blush. The second picture was the one of me alone. The last one was of Bella and Charlie. I neatly stacked the remaining photos with the letter and slid them back into the envelope, after which I dropped it into the mailbox. I silently chided myself for taking the three photos out, especially because I was about to take these reminders away from Bella - all part of my plan to erase myself from her mind and take the essence of my nature out of her life - but I couldn't stop myself and so I put them my back-pocket.
I arrived at Bella's house way before she did.
I hadn't spend time plotting this, after all, how could one plan a goodbye he was dreading? It was far too painful. Though Alice's vision had given me some ironic pointers. The mask would protect me from slipping up. If I executed the cruel lines well enough, Bella would be safe. But before I could say them, I had to do something else.
Erasing evidence. Such an important part of what I was.
The first part was done, I had already taken out the photos of me from the ones Bella had meant to send to her mother. There had been no point in removing the one with Bella and her father, but I had only taken that one because she was in it. Although I did not deserve it, I longed to have materialized proof of our time together. Of Bella's presence in my existence.
Now I had to execute the second part of destroying the proof. I had no choice. If I was truly going to leave Bella than it was only fair I left no memories behind. Well, as fair as fair went. After all, I had collected me some reminders myself. But for me that would be all I would ever have. I wasn't supposed to move on, so I could dwell. Bella on the other hand, she deserved a clean break.
I dashed up her window, where I searched for the CD with my compositions, the plane ticket vouchers from Carlisle and Esme and the pictures Bella took for the scrapbook her mother had given her. I collected them on Bella's bed.
She wouldn't have to be reminded of me. I was already going to crush her, but this would be fleeting. She'd heal. And to help her with that, to speed up the recovery process and give her that clean break, I needed to erase all evidence I'd ever existed. Thus destroying the physical reminders.
But, sentimental as I suddenly was - I had no idea where it came from at the moment, but apparently some emotion managed to break through my armor, perhaps I wanted to give Bella the opportunity to keep some physical reminders herself, without flaunting them in her face - instead of burning the items, I decided to hide them.
I kneeled on the floor in the south corner of her room. it wasn't hard to pry open one of the floorboards. I grabbed the items and carefully placed them there. After that I correctly put the floorboard back in place.
No more mementos. Not ever, if she didn't want to. But should she ever, for Lord knows what reason look here, then she would find them and remember me. Well, a part of me, at least. Somehow that felt like a consolation. That no matter what would happen now, there was still a part of our time together hidden somewhere close by.
Under her floorboards. In my pocket. Small tokens of the ebt time of my limitedless life.
I took one glance around her room. One more deep intake of air, her scent burning me with a bitter sting. I ran downstairs and took the note from my pocket.
I read it once before I put it on the table in a visible way.
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, it read, Back soon, B.
This would be enough for Charlie to find Bella, should she do something irrational after I left. It hadn't been difficult to copy Bella's messy handwriting. It wasn't perfect, but enough to convince the Chief. My final act as her guardian angel.
Then, as I made sure there was nothing left in her house to remember me by, I walked out the front and went to sit in my car.
When Bella arrived, I got out. I reached to take her book bag and placed it onto the seat, after which I shut the door.
"Come for a walk with me," I suggested, and I took her hand.
Her heart stammered and I could hear her breathing accelerate. She was struggling to keep her breath even. Her palm was sweaty.
She had to know something bad was coming. And this meant she'd do anything to stop me. She too had a role to play. I just had to make sure I was more convincing. For her benefit.
We'd gone only a few steps into the trees when I stopped. We were barely on the trail—I could still see the house.
This would be far enough. If all went like it was supposed to, Bella wouldn't get lost here. She'd go straight inside after I left. And otherwise Charlie would find the note.
I leaned against a tree and stared at Bella. Her face was tense, her eyes wide. Her heart was still uneven.
"Okay, let's talk," she said, her voice sounded brave, but the underlining edge gave away her unease.
Yes, she knew exactly what was coming.
Lights, camera.
I took a deep breath.
Action!
"Bella, we're leaving."
She took a deep breath, too.
"Why now? Another year—", Bella started, pleading.
Stick with your part. Do not give in. I reminded myself.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
She stared at me for a long moment, trying to comprehend what I was saying.
Her eyes widened in horror as soon as she understood.
Our eyes met and I could see the reflection of mine in hers. They were frozen gold. Dead.
All part of the act.
"When you say we—," Bella whispered.
Yes, she was starting to understand now.
"I mean my family and myself." Each word separate and distinct. To leave little room for arguing.
Bella shook her head back and forth, it looked mechanic, as if she was trying to clear it.
I waited, giving her time to process my words. Minutes passed where she scrutinized my face, where she seemingly struggled to respond. But finally she did.
"Okay," Bella said. "I'll come with you."
I had anticipated this, knowing it would be her response.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."
It was a ridiculous excuse, a lie. But I had no choice. A lie was all I had to offer her now. To protect and preserve her future.
"Where you are is the right place for me."
Another expected answer. She wasn't going to let me go easily, like Alice had predicted. I wondered what kind of future my sister saw now. I was certain the still - white image of the frozen formed Bella, her eyes swimming with blood had disappeared from my sister's view.
"I'm no good for you, Bella.", I said flatly.
How true this was. I was the very worst part of her life, even if she thought otherwise. But she would eventually agree with me, she just needed time to see the truth and acknowledge it.
"Don't be ridiculous.", she said. Her words, meant to sound angry, I was certain, sounded more like a plea. "You're the very best part of my life."
Still holding on. Still pleading. I needed to be more convincing.
"My world is not for you," I said grimly.
No lie there. Every second she spend near me gave proof of that. How I couldn't be close to her, or never as close as I wanted and longed to be because there was always that darn chance of breaking her. No to mention the rest of my family and the uncertain threats they posed.
"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"
"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted to correct her.
But whenever had my stay been the best for her? It felt like such a long time ago when I was her protector. Now I was continuingly the one she needed protecting from.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Bella shouted, furious, the words exploding out of her. But still, it sounded like she was begging me to stay.
"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"
It would have been so easy to stop there. To move to her side and scoop her up in my arms. To pretend that I could keep her, forever. Perhaps even make her one of my family, if that was the only way we could be together. Maybe if I tried really hard, then this could still work...
Stop it! Play your part. Focus and finish it.
I stared at the ground and tried to find a last bit of strength to see this through by taking a deep breath. I reminded myself that this wasn't about me, or about my feelings, my everlasting longing and need to be with her. The unmeasurable amount of love I felt for her. It was because of that, I needed to do this.
This was about Bella and how my existence and presence in her life, posed a constant threat to her. And no matter what I wanted, there was one thing more important.
Bella. Her life, and happiness.
And so I pushed through to play the part I was given now. I had to convince her with the biggest of lies.
When I finally looked up, I knew my face was twisted into a new mask. Cold and insensitive. I was the bad guy, the villain.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke the words slowly and precisely, watching her as she absorbed what I was really saying.
She stayed silent as she stared at me.
"You… don't… want me?" Bella tried out the words, whispering.
"No."
Bella stared, uncomprehending, into my eyes. And I stared back. She had to see it, read it in my eyes. Even if it was a lie, it was the one she had to believe.
And it seemed like she did.
"Well, that changes things.", Bella said calmly.
It was odd, for this felt like it was too easy. Was she already convinced?
Her supposed acceptance was very hard to hear. Had she never believed me when I'd told her I loved her? Had I not said it every single day? Did she believe I didn't want her, this easily.
Why did that sting? After all, this was what I wanted, wasn't it? This would guarantee her safety.
I looked away into the trees as I spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human."
I stared back at her relentlessly. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
These few words managed to diminish everything we had. To shatter the best time of my life - and hers - and make it seem meaningless. The irony wasn't lost on me. The part I played now was pretending, acting like a callous monster, the words he spoke painted as the truth, while the real truth - deeply hidden inside - had never been an act. Though I had been fooling myself. I had pretended to be a man, yearning to be one, for Bella. But I had failed.
"Don't.", she whispered, pleading. "Don't do this."
Hmm, maybe she had some fight in her after all. Maybe she saw through the lies and would finally start arguing. But I couldn't permit her the opportunity.
I scrutinized her face to look for evidence, to see if my words had served their purpose. But she wasn't quite there yet. I could see it in her eyes. There was still hope there.
Time for the final blow. The greatest lie of them all.
"You're not good for me, Bella." I spoke, turning my earlier words around, knowing Bella - and her selfconsciousness - wouldn't be able to argue with that.
It was low, so very low. Blasphemy. She was the very best part of me. But I had to make her believe. For her own good.
Bella opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it again.
I waited for her to regain composure.
She tried again. "If… that's what you want."
I simply nodded.
Good. She understood. Now all I had to do was to make sure she'd keep herself safe.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said.
Bella's face, twisted in an aching from the pain and shock of my cruel words - silently reflecting my own pain - relaxed a little and I saw hope shimmer again in her eyes.
For one second I wavered at the sight of this. It seemed she thought my request would point to an outcome more optimistic than the one we were both dreading. I wanted to give her hope, but then reigned myself in again.
"Anything," she vowed, her voice faintly stronger.
My final request, not a lie, but something I needed to ask and hear Bella promise.
The mask of detachment dropped and I stared deeply into her eyes.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, no longer remote, but almost passionate. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She had to promise, I needed her to understand. I could no longer protect her and while I hoped that with my departure the bad things that were so drawn to Bella would vanish too, I had to make sure she wouldn't so anything to harm herself. And that she wouldn't go looking for danger either.
Bella nodded helplessly.
I felt my face smooth into the well composed mask again, how easy this was now - and the distance returned. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him."
It wasn't like she owned me anything. Not even her own well-being and it would be selfish for me to ask her to do this for my benefit - knowing I wouldn't be able to bear it if something happened to her. Besides, what was the point. We'd never see each other again after this. Of course, the idea of a world without Bella somewhere in it was incomprehendable. If she existed out there - not within my reach but alive and happy - than that was reason enough for her to make this promise to me.
She nodded again. "I will," Bella whispered.
She sounded completely sincere.
This made me feel a little better. As long as Bella was safe - that was all that mattered. And now that she had promised me, I owed her one more thing in return.
"And I'll make you a promise in return," I told her "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
The consequences of this promise were ripping me apart even further, and they seemed to have the same effect on Bella.
Her knees started to shake, and her heart was pounding unevenly, but fiercely. I was worried for a moment, that I had played my part too well, that she'd get physically hurt. It would be extremely ill-timed to have to call a doctor, or even drive her to the hospital.
I had to calm her, so that she'd be alright.
"Don't worry", I soothed her with a smile, "You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
This was true. From what I had read and observed, humans were able to forget about painful things. But what had Alice said?
Make no mistake. This won't be a clean break for her.
Alice could be right. Bella wasn't simply a human and I wasn't certain if she'd forget. I wasn't even sure if I wanted her to. The thought of me ebbing away from the vault of her memories was an agonizing thought. I felt the photos burn in my back pocket and reminded myself that she too had some memories buried in her room. Even if she didn't know, the proof was out there.
Make up your mind, I ordered, you cannot leave her and want her to remember you at the same time.
"And your memories?" Bella asked, her voice barely audible.
Of course, she was thinking of me. I was crushing her spirit bit by bit and she still wanted to make sure I was all right.
"Well"—I hesitated for a short second—"I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted."
That last part was true, with a mind as large and spacious as ours, it was easy to get distracted. But I'd never forget and no matter what came on my path now - no matter what distraction would consume me, though I couldn't imagine there was anything to properly capture my attention again - I'd never be able to escape the memories. Especially not because I'd always carry the proof around with me.
I smiled tranquilly. This was about to be over and it was oddly relieving.
I took a step away from Bella "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
My words made some revelation apparent on Bella's face, some kind of awareness flickered in her eyes.
"Alice isn't coming back," she realized. Her voice was nothing but a whisper blending in with the wind.
I watched her as I shook my head.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" Bella said flatly
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.", I explained
Her breath was still uneven and her heart hadn't found a more peaceful rhythm. Once again I committed the sounds to memory, knowing they were already etched in my mind. Permanently.
"Goodbye, Bella," I said quietly.
"Wait!" Bella choked as she slumped forward, reaching to stop me.
I reached for her too, locking my hands around her wrists and pinned them to her side. I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead very lightly. Bella closed her eyes. I could feel the blood pulse against my lips, a warmth rolling off her cheeks.
It burned. Worse than ever before. Because it was the final flame. The heat was worse than any kind of burning toment in hell
"Take care of yourself," I breathed against her skin.
And then I was gone.
It took less than a few seconds to reach my car and drive away.
The confined space of the Volvo made me feel like I was choking. Especially since her scent was everywhere, lingering. Already taunting me with what I was giving up. Suddenly I hated the photos that I had taken and I was disgusted for allowing myself to take them with me. I took them from my pocket and threw them into the glove department.
Out of sight, out of....sight. Never out of mind. She would always be in there. Photos or not.
I made it as far as the turnoff to our house and then I couldn't take it any longer. I had to get out. Run from the memories which were already lining up in my mind, like inescapable reminders I couldn't get away from.
And so, in a poor attempt to stay ahead of the looming despair, I ran and ran, until I reached the house. I came to a halt, my breath strangely uneven, like I was still choking. I wanted to scream, but didn't. What would be the point? I could fill my lungs with air, I could breath. I could scream and raise hell. But why should I? I was drained and slumped to the floor, acknowledging my defeat. I couldn't outrun the anguish. As I lay there, I could only hope for one thing. That my breathing was unsteady because I was about to die, as impossible at that would be. How much I longed for it. And as the night fell over me, an suffocating blanket of black draping my mind, I wished I could cease to exist.
Because there was nothing left to go on for.
Love, life, meaning… over.
Forever.
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I'll start with thanking everyone for their continuing support, thank you so much! R&R please :)
Secondly, it was so difficult to write this. To be honest, this is my favorite but also most agonizing moment in New Moon and I hate to write Edward so detached. I wanted to slap sense into him :P In a way, his feelings are even more intense than Bella's and I hope I can show this in the upcoming chapters, which are mostly based on my own imagination, since we know so little about his time away. Hopefully I can do his story justice :)
I hope everyone had a nice Easter-weekend!