Kindred Hospital
San Diego, California
Sunday, April 25, 2004
0704 Hours (local)
Mac kept glancing at the clock on the wall, counting down the minutes. Frank was going to drive her back to the airport in less than half an hour. They had stayed with Harm all night and he would periodically squeeze her hand or his mother's. The more he worked at it, the more Mac wanted to stay. She hated to leave him after he had come so far, but she had no choice. Squeezing his hand, she blinked back the fresh round of tears that were threatening to fall. She just didn't want to go.
Harm squeezed her hand once more, as if he understood her thoughts. She glanced at him and then at Trish, sitting on the opposite side of the bed, wearing a soft smile.
"I like it when he does that," she said softly. "It gives me hope. It makes me think that he might make it."
"I know," Mac said, her voice every bit as soft as Trish's.
"I'm sorry you have to go," Trish admitted. "It just doesn't seem right."
"I have to. The Admiral won't accept my resignation, and honestly, I know he can't afford to lose another lawyer right now. The SecNav is breathing down his neck about my taking the leave time, even though he knows why. I just have to go."
"I know, dear," Trish responded. "You don't have to explain it to me."
"I feel like I should explain it to him," Mac responded, glancing down at Harm.
"I think he knows," Trish said, also glancing down at her son. She squeezed his hand and a few brief moments later, received a squeeze in return.
Mac continued to gaze down at Harm, wishing she didn't have to go. For a long time, the room was silent except for the ticking of the clock, the beeping of the machines connected to Harm, and his breathing. Glancing at her watch, hoping for a different answer than the clock on the wall was giving her, Mac knew she had only five minutes before she and Frank had to leave for the airport. She sighed heavily and once again blinked back the tears.
He squeezed her hand and once more, Mac looked up and met Trish's gaze.
Frank's hoarse voice reached them from over Trish's shoulder. "Oh my God."
Glancing down at Harm, fearing the worst, Mac was shocked by the sight before her. Harm's brilliant seawater-green eyes were open. "Oh my God," she whispered, feeling at a total loss for words. Without thinking, she reached out and hit the nurse-call button.
"Harm," Trish whispered.
Harm moved his eyes back and forth, panic clearly visible in the stormy depths. He was swallowing repeatedly, the muscles in his mouth working desperately to speak.
"Shh…" Mac said calmly. "Just wait. Don't try to say anything."
A nurse rushed into the room, her attitude much more pleasant than Shelly's had been the previous evening. "Can I-" she stopped herself short as she saw the whites of Harm's eyes and his increasing heart rate. "Oh!" She raced out of the room, calling for Dr. Tulane, the doctor who worked with Harm when Dr. Samson wasn't on duty.
"Shh…" Trish repeated. "It's okay, Harm. Just calm down. It'll be okay," she said in a soothing tone of voice.
A moment later, Dr. Tulane rushed into the room. Seeing that Harm was awake, she took quick note of his vitals and started talking to him. "Don't try and talk. We still have tubes running down your throat and you will only hurt yourself it you try. Just calm down. We'll take the tubes out in a little while, but we will want to run some tests, run a few brain scans."
Harm's heart rate began to slow as the people around him spoke, their words making sense, easing his fear and confusion.
Mac squeezed his hand, tears running freely down her cheeks.
Dr. Tulane spoke to the three of them, "I'm taking him immediately to run some scans. I'll get Dr. Samson in here as soon as possible. We'll run some tests and see what is going on. It will take a while."
The three of them nodded, knowing exactly what this meant: they would have to leave him while he was taken from them. They would be forced to sit in the waiting room, waiting for information, instead of being with him.
Trish looked down at her son and said to him, giving his hand a squeeze, "We'll be here when you get back. I promise."
Mac brushed a kiss onto the back of his hand. "I'm not leaving you now. If you wanted to make me stay, you succeeded. I'll be here when you get back."
Dr. Tulane ushered them out of the room and she prepared to take Harm down for tests.
All thoughts of leaving had fled from Mac's mind. She couldn't leave him now. In the waiting room, the three of them took a seat, leaning on each other for support. Mac was amazed at his awakening, knowing the odds had been against him since the beginning. Knowing full well that he probably wasn't out of the woods yet, hope still flared in Mac's heart, just knowing that he had returned to consciousness. He might one day be able to return to his life, to her, and the life they had both wanted to have.
Some time later, Frank rose to his feet and stretched. "I'm going to go get some coffee. Do you want any?" he offered.
Both Trish and Mac nodded, continuing to lean on each other. When Frank was gone, Mac asked hesitantly, "Do you think he'll make it?"
"He's a fighter. So was his father. He's made it this far and if anybody can make it, Harm can."
Mac nodded, her head resting against Trish's shoulder.
Frank returned a few minutes later with three cups of coffee.
Mac sipped at the liquid, hardly tasting it as it rolled over her tongue. She glanced up at the clock on the wall, her own internal clock still on vacation. Harm's awakening hadn't revived it. She smiled weakly as she said, "I don't guess I'm going to make my flight."
Glancing up at the clock as well, Frank said, "I guess not."
Mac rose to her feet, grabbing her purse and pulling it over her shoulder. "I'm going to go call the Admiral and try and straighten things out. Then I'll call the airline and…" she trailed off. She had no idea what she was going to do.
Trish nodded as Frank said, "Go. We'll find you if we hear of anything."
Mac turned quickly and left. Once she was standing in front of the hospital, she called the Admiral's home.
He answered the phone quickly. "Chegwidden."
"Admiral?" Mac spoke hesitantly.
"Colonel? Is everything all right?" Thus far, she had not called him at home, only at the office. And hearing from her now, his heart was in his throat and his stomach was rolling, fearing the worst had happened.
"Admiral, I'm not going to be there tomorrow," she stated calmly.
"Mac, is he okay? Are you okay?"
"He woke up."
"He woke up?" he asked, incredulous.
"Just a little while ago. He started squeezing my hand last night and the doctor could make him gag and this morning, he just opened his eyes and woke up."
"Oh my God," the Admiral couldn't believe it.
"They're running tests now, so we should know more later."
"That's amazing," he said as he took a seat on his couch. Meredith was observing this from her spot in a nearby chair where she had been reading papers from her students. All the color had drained from his face. "You will call me when you get results. That is an order."
"Aye, aye, Sir," Mac responded automatically. "But I won't be in tomorrow."
"Of course not," the Admiral responded. He had heard her the first time and he wasn't surprised, given Harm's recent improvement.
"What will we do?"
"I still won't accept you resignation, so don't even try it."
"I don't have anymore leave time…" she trailed off.
"I won't list you as UA. And I will do what I can about keeping the SecNav off my back and away from you. But Colonel," he began seriously, "I can't do this for more than a few days."
"I know, Sir. I can't leave him now, though."
"We'll figure it out. Just call me when you get the results."
"Aye, aye, Sir. And thank you."
When they hung up, Mac called the airline and arranged for a flight on Tuesday. She rushed back into the hospital to take her seat next to Trish and Frank and wait for word on Harm.
xxxxx
Kindred Hospital
San Diego, California
Sunday, April 25, 2004
1234 Hours (local)
Dr. Samson found them after he got Harm settled in his bed. The trio that had stood vigil over him immediately rose to their feet as he approached.
"Is he okay?" Trish asked.
At the same time, Mac asked, "Can we see him?"
The doctor held up his hand. "One at a time. I'll let you go in to see him in a few minutes. He is sleeping though. Let him rest, he needs it. Harm appears to have some damage to the cerebellum at the base of his brain. This is consistent with the external injuries when he arrived, leading us to believe that he sustained a blow to the head. Any damage caused by hypoxia appears to be separate from that. It appears that his medulla just above his spinal cord has also acquired some damage, most likely from the lack of oxygen while he was in the water. Blood appears to be flowing to all parts of his brain, which is a very positive sign."
"What does all of this mean? Is any of this damage permanent?" Frank asked.
"We don't know at this point in time. There is still a chance that he could slip back into a coma. The damage to the medulla could account for Harm's inability to breathe on his own after he was pulled from the water. And we will probably never know why he started breathing on his own when he did. However, the medulla seems to be recovering, as many of his autonomic functions have returned to him. We don't know at this point.
"As for the damage to the cerebellum, likewise, we don't know if the damage is permanent. In many cases, with a hard enough hit, it is. We will certainly work with him more and run additional tests when he recovers some strength to try and determine the extent of the damage. What we do know at this point is that the damage appears to be minimal. Patients with permanent damage to the extent Harm currently has usually live fairly normal lives. They may have some problems with coordination and activities such as driving, but some don't have many problems at all. The brain is an amazing organ and with certain injuries, it finds ways of compensating."
"Were you able to talk to him?" Mac asked.
"We did remove the tubes from his throat, which is very raw and he can't really speak at this time. He tried but we had to keep telling him to be quiet. We were able to ask him some questions and he was able to move in order to respond with simple nods and shakes of his head."
"Do you know what happened?" Mac pressed.
"We asked him if he remembered what happened, how he ended up here, and he shook his head no. This is not unusual, some level of localized amnesia. We asked him if he recognized who had been with him in his room and he nodded in the affirmative. With his limited means of communication at the moment, we can't gain much information from him. However, with improvements, we will be able to further assess his situation by running additional tests."
"Is the amnesia permanent?" Trish asked.
"It can be. We don't know. Some people do regain their memory and some don't. And at this point it could be that Harm has selective amnesia, in which he remembers most of what happened but not all the details, or localized, in which he remembers nothing from a certain point. But because he knew who you were, we find it unlikely that there is a more serious form of amnesia. He probably does have some form of both anterograde and retrograde amnesia, probably due to the lack of oxygen to the hippocampus while he was under water, and while it appears to be minimal under the circumstances, at this time, we just don't know for certain."
"Can we see him now?" Mac asked again.
Dr. Samson nodded. "Just let him sleep. And when he awakens, call a nurse. Don't push him to talk and try and keep him quiet," he said as he led them down the hall.
Entering the room, Harm was lying on his back, his head turned to the side, one arm stretched out beside him and the other hand was on his chest. His deep breathing indicated that he was indeed asleep and not in a coma, although he didn't look much different. A faint smile touched Mac's lips. Just the sound of his breathing made him seem more alive.
"Thank you, doctor," Frank said as Dr. Samson turned to leave.
"I'll return in a little while just to check on him. If something happens, one of the nurses will page me."
The three of them nodded, none of them really wanting to remove their eyes from Harm.
After a few minutes, Mac stepped back outside to phone the Admiral and let him know of the results of the test.
xxxxx
Kindred Hospital
San Diego, California
Sunday, April 25, 2004
2142 Hours (local)
Harm was stirring. Mac glanced up from her perch in a chair beside his bed. Over the bed, she met Trish's gaze. Had they looked, they would have seen Frank looking over at Harm as well. When his eyes opened, it was his mother that he was looking at.
At first his eyes expressed only confusion, but when Trish spoke, they cleared with recognition. "Harm…"
For a moment, all Harm could do was look. He turned his head and met Frank's eyes. He turned still further and saw Mac. Blinking his eyes a few times, an expression of surprise could be seen. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Mac hit the nurse-call button and within seconds, a nurse, Gabrielle, entered the room. Seeing Harm awake, she nodded and quickly left, only to return moments later with a cup of ice chips. She handed this to Mac. Mac gently fed him a few pieces with a spoon. Gabrielle was watching over Mac's shoulder with a smile on her face. She had been hoping this patient would recover.
With a few ice chips down, Harm managed to squeak out some sound, something resembling "Mac."
"You're not supposed to talk," Mac said gently. "But I'm here. I had to come." At the questioning look in Harm's eyes, Mac's own eyes welled with tears. "We'll fix it, I promise. We'll get past… everything. We'll find a way. But you have to get past this, first. Don't worry about what happened at home."
There appeared to be brief flicker of recognition before Harm closed his eyes.
"That's it, go to sleep. You need your rest. We'll all be here when you wake up," Mac reassured him. Within moments, Harm's breathing deepened and he visibly relaxed, very much asleep.
xxxxx
Kindred Hospital
San Diego, California
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
1841 Hours (local)
Harm had awakened a few times over the last two days and even managed to say a few things, as he swallowed more ice chips and his throat gradually healed. Not much had been said, as Trish, Frank, and Mac all tried to keep him quiet, although they were all relieved to see him pushing the boundaries like his old self. He had spent a great deal of time sleeping, and the doctors had assured them it was completely normal.
Frank would be driving Mac to the airport shortly for her red-eye flight back to Washington, D.C. She was due in at BWI around 0930 and the Admiral told her he would have someone there to pick her up and get her back to JAG. Once again, Trish and Frank had disappeared for a while, leaving Mac alone with Harm. He had been asleep for a long while, but he was just stirring to life.
"Mac," he whispered.
Mac squeezed his hand. "I have to go home, Harm."
"Why?" he croaked.
"The Admiral is making me," she responded, smiling weakly. "He wouldn't take my resignation. He hasn't filed me UA, yet, but I ran out of leave a few days ago. The SecNav is breathing down his neck about my absence."
Harm nodded, understanding her.
"I don't want to go, though. I'd rather stay here."
Harm shook his head slightly. "Go home."
Looking into his eyes, Mac knew he didn't mean it in a hurtful manner. "I'll come back as soon as I can."
Harm's mouth formed a small smile. "I know."
"You shouldn't be talking," Mac reminded him, laughing softly.
Harm's smile faded as he averted his eyes.
"And when you're better, we'll discuss everything, straighten it all out. Until then, you just concentrate on getting better."
"Yes, mom," Harm said weakly, returning his gaze to Mac.
"I'll miss you," Mac said, wiping a tear from her eye.
"I'll miss you," he whispered, squeezing her hand.
Mac lowered her head to his chest, feeling him breathe and listening to his heartbeat, just glad to have him back, alive.
xxxxx
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
1738 Hours (local)
"Colonel," the Admiral called as he stood in her doorway.
"Sir!" Mac replied quickly, jumping to her feet.
"As you were," the Admiral said with a grin.
Mac sat back down gratefully, stifling a yawn.
"What are you still doing here?" he asked softly.
"Making up hours, Sir. I have two days plus a few hours from this morning to make up."
"There will be other days, Colonel. You are no good to us if you are dead on your feet, as you appear to be."
Mac smiled weakly. It was true; she was exhausted. Even though she had slept on the plane and in the car while Harriet drove to JAG, it wasn't a very restful sleep. Sleeping on planes and in cars never was the best place to sleep. Not to mention that she hadn't had a good night's sleep in weeks, not since Harm's accident. "I just wanted to get a head start, Admiral."
"Go home. That's an order," he said.
Mac nodded. "Sir?"
The Admiral raised his eyebrows. "Colonel?"
"Thank you, for everything."
"Have you heard from them today?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.
"Yes, Sir. He's awake more every day, and they hope to run some simple tests to check for brain damage at the end of the week."
"Good," the Admiral said, nodding. "Glad to hear it." Glancing over his shoulder, he called, "Lieutenant."
"Sir?" Harriet said, stepping up to his side.
"Are you ready to head home for the day?"
"I was just finishing up."
The Admiral nodded, turned to Mac, and spoke, "The Lieutenant has agreed to take you home," he smiled.
"If you don't mind stopping by the daycare center to pick the boys up first, Ma'am," Harriet added with a smile.
"Not at all, Lieutenant."
The Admiral stepped away, saying, "Have a good evening, Colonel, Lieutenant."
"You, too, Sir," Harriet called after him.
Mac looked around at the papers and books on her desk. "Let me just straighten up and I'll be set, Harriet."
Harriet nodded. "I just have to fax this out and I'll be ready to leave. I'll come back when I'm done, Ma'am," Harriet responded with a smile.
Mac nodded, yawning again.
Harriet turned and left as Mac continued cleaning up.
On the trip to the daycare center, Mac filled Harriet in on the latest news about Harm. Now that he was conscious again, cards were circulating around the office, being signed, and flowers had been ordered. Mac was planning on getting a card and sending it to him, just to let him know she was thinking of him, but she wanted to be more than semi-conscious when she did it.
After picking up the boys, Harriet pulled up to the drive-thru window at a Beltway Burgers on her way into the city.
"Harriet, what are you doing?" Mac asked.
"Getting you some dinner, Ma'am. I know you love this stuff, and I normally wouldn't recommend eating it, but I think you could use the comfort food. Plus, it's quick and easy. You can eat it and go to bed."
Mac laughed lightly. "Thanks." She leaned over and pulled a few bills out of her purse and handed them to Harriet.
Harriet shook her head. "It's taken care of," she smiled. "All you have to do is tell me what me you want. And eat it, of course."
Mac gave Harriet her order as she put the bills away. After getting the food, she turned to Harriet, she said, "The Admiral put you up to this, didn't he?"
Harriet giggled. "Yes, Ma'am. He ordered me to take you home and feed you. He even gave me the money so I could stop on the way."
Mac sighed and shook her head. Sometimes, the Admiral felt more like a father than a CO. This was definitely one of those times, and she was grateful for it.
"He also told me to tell you that at home, all you were to do was get some sleep. Don't clean up, do laundry, or any work, just go to bed."
"He doesn't have to worry about that," Mac said, yawning.
From the back seat, AJ spoke, "Don't we get any food, mommy?"
"Mommy's going to make you dinner at home, sweetie," Harriet responded, smiling, glancing up in the rear view mirror to check on her boys. "I know you are hungry and we're running late, so how about something yummy like macaroni and cheese?"
"Yeah!" AJ cheered from the backseat.
"That was easy," Mac commented.
"Oh, there will be some green beans with that, but the mac and cheese makes him happy. And Jimmy is easy."
"I don't know how you do it, Harriet," Mac said sadly. "You have it all. And even if I had it, I don't think I could handle it as well as you do."
"Sometimes, I wonder how I do it all myself. It isn't always easy, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. And someday, Ma'am, you'll figure it all out."
Looking down at her lap, Mac smiled sadly. "I keep hoping, but my life keeps getting turned upside-down. It's nothing like I thought it would be five years ago."
"Is that good or bad?"
"Some of both, I guess."
"If you don't mind my asking, Ma'am, where did you see yourself five years ago?"
Glancing over her shoulder at AJ in the backseat, Mac laughed lightly. "Honestly? Everything I have in my career, it's what I wanted five years ago. It's my personal life that isn't matching." She sighed heavily and was quiet for a moment and when she spoke, the words came out in a rush. "I thought by now I would at least be pregnant with Harm's child."
Harriet's jaw dropped and hit the steering wheel. "Ma'am?"
Mac just nodded, not trusting her voice.
"I…" Harriet began. "Why…" she tried again. "What about Mic?" she finally blurted out.
"He wasn't really in the picture at the time," Mac said quietly. "The day AJ was born, Harm and I made a deal that if in five years neither one of us was in a relationship, we'd have a kid."
"And how did you expect that to work?" Harriet was shocked to learn about this deal, but at the same time, she wanted to know more.
"We hadn't worked out the technicalities. I don't think either one of us really believed it would ever happen."
"And why is that?"
Mac snorted. "You know what the last few years have been like between Harm and I."
"I obviously don't know everything," Harriet responded firmly. "Nor should I," she quickly added.
"I guess that day, I thought if I ever ended up with Harm, it would be a natural thing, like you and Bud, or the Admiral and Meredith. It would just happen. It wouldn't be part of a deal. And if I wasn't with Harm, I would have found my one by then."
"AJ just celebrated his fifth birthday," Harriet said quietly.
"Don't I know it. That's the day Harm's mom called me."
Harriet gasped. "I hadn't realized that!"
"It's not like we were talking anyway. I didn't even know where he was stationed."
"You didn't know?" Harriet was incredulous. She hadn't known things had gotten that bad between the pair.
"He didn't tell me when he left."
"And you didn't ask?"
"He didn't want me to know. I was willing to respect that."
"He was coming back," Harriet stated calmly.
Mac couldn't stop herself from asking, "When?"
"The third of May, I believe."
Mac turned to gaze out the window at the still cars surrounding them, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall. She hated rush-hour traffic. It didn't matter whether you were trying to get into the city or out of it, you got stuck in traffic, much like how she often felt stuck in relationship-limbo with Harm. "The third," she whispered. What would have happened if he hadn't been injured? How would things have been different? She blinked back the tears, thinking of the possibilities. She kept hoping that this was all a bad dream and she would wake up and none of this would have happened. She wished she could start over, starting the previous autumn. That's when things seemed to take a huge nosedive.
"I didn't mean to upset you, Ma'am," Harriet said quietly, glancing over at Mac.
"It's okay, Harriet. It happens a lot these days."
Both women were content to sit in silence the rest of the way to Mac's apartment. Once Mac was inside, she ate as much of her burger as she could stomach, took a quick shower, threw on a lightweight nightgown, and crawled into bed to sleep. As sad as she was, sleep came quickly, her body giving out in its exhausted state.