CHAPTER 4: WAKING UP

"I'm miles from where you are,

I lay down on the cold ground

I pray that something picks me up

And sets me down in your warm arms"

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"Edward? Edward!"

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tried to block out the thoughts. The voice. This wasn't the one I wanted to call for me. But I'd never hear that other voice, the one I longed for so much, again.

Wow, he really does look quite pathetic. It would be amusing to see him without that smug superiority if it wasn't so annoying. I am *so* over it.

Rosalie's thoughts moved on to other things almost instantly - I irritated her too much to hold her attention for long - and she was now focused on something about a dress of Tanya's she wanted to try on. There was vanity and jealousy involved and I found myself caring about that even less than I usually did.

"You look a fool for acting so dramatic! We all know you're heartbroken, since you've been moping around about it for weeks. We've gotten the visual! Well, allow me one small piece of advice: boo-hoo Edward, get over it!" she snapped before she turned and walked away.

Rosalie. Who thought I was just being dramatic. Not because I was in fact miserable and this was an emotion she simply couldn't grasp, but because she believed drama was a part of my character. Something I enjoyed even.

And this had been her one attempt to reason with me. And she knew it was pointless, because I wasn't at all invested in her effort. Neither was she, because she didn't care enough to keep trying. It was obligatory, because we were Cullens; both a part of the same family and so she had to do something to try and drag me out of this sorrow. But her lack of patience and compassion meant she wouldn't invest in my well-being any deeper than to yell at me and find me pitiful. Especially the latter, she was very good at pitying me.

Something she enjoyed.

I opened my eyes and found myself relieved to be alone again. Thankful, almost.

The sky was clear now, after a small blizzard had drifted away in the afternoon. The stars were bright specks lighting up the black horizon with their brilliance.

I blinked once, but I couldn't see them. Not really.

Not when she wasn't around to uncloud my vision.

The glacier winds blew snow from the branches of the few black spruces that were still growing at this altitude.

Beautiful, pure and happy little flakes drizzled around me, without a care in the world.

I wanted to crush those glistening white shapes with my hands.

But what would be the purpose?

All I could do was turn them into rock hard lumps. My skin wasn't warm enough to melt the snow. My skin was never warm enough, never comfortable.

Looking at my empty stone hands made me long for the heat of hers. And hate the coolness of mine.

Frustrated about this, I balled my hand into a fist and smashed it down on the snow-covered spot next to me. The sound of the flocks swirling around echoed in my ear. It sounded so hollow.

The Rolex G.M.T. Master II on my wrist would give away the exact hour of this night time - I only wore it occasionally because it had been a gift from Rosalie and I didn't want to irritate her more than I usually did by being inconsiderate and not wear it at all.

I glanced at it briefly, watching the seconds pass. Then I pulled it off and stuffed it deep into my pocket.

I truly didn't need it, because time passing didn't matter one bit. Not without her.

The moment I had left her there in the woods near her house, the anguish had erupted into a massive pitch black - seemingly bottomless - hole.

At the time I had almost believed to be having something close to a heart attack, because the hurt was so immense and sudden. Worse than any kind of torture known to man or monster. This was the kind of loss one could never heal from.

Certainly I had to be dying, but unfortunately this was a wish unfulfilled.

It never happened. My breathing had slowed and all I saw was the darkness around me. No bright light, no heaven. And the pain never faded, but the stabbing plunges with which it came were soon familiar and part of the agony. At the time I couldn't see the true reason behind the anguish and I didn't understand why I wouldn't just die.

Rationally I knew that dying a natural death was simply impossible for my kind. After all, without a beating heart and blood pumping around the body to stimulate the organs, there was no physical way I could actually stop existing.

But that didn't stop me from wishing for death anyway.

I don't know how I'd managed, but eventually I'd found a last piece of strength, or maybe it was just some sort of misformed adrenaline, born from the rippling pain that spread itself across my chest, creating a hole like a crater slamming rock-solid ground- but I did make it out of Forks and on my way to Denali.

The car ride had been spent in one endless stream of darkness, with the exceptions of the headlights at either side of the road. And then, when morning came with a grey overhead of clouds covering the Canadian skies, nothing seemed different.

Focusing on the road, the long line of asphalt, gave me no relief. Concentrating on meaningless shapes outside never distracted me.

I knew why.

There was no distraction strong enough. Because it wasn't just pure pain.

And pain was that. Just a physical reaction to an emotional outlet that was extremely powerful. That I could deal with, no matter how bad it was. My body wouldn't crumble under the aching.

Unfortunately.

I could circumvent that, if I tried extremely hard. The throbbing pain didn't affect me, it wouldn't break down my body. It was more irritable than it was unbearable.

But then, in reality, the pain wasn't physical. There was an aching, so strong, so incredibly potent, I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. It didn't break my body, it only crushed my mind, overwhelming my soul with a lingering darkness I couldn't escape. It had nothing to do with physical strength. This was testing my mental abilities to bounce back, to heal.

A test I was failing.

With every mile I'd put between us, every second that I drifted further away from her, I felt the invisible cord stretch.

The bond between her and I. Forged the moment we met, locking us tightly together, leaving neither of us any room or strength to fight the connection.

Until now.

I'd crossed rivers and statelines, putting more than thirteen hundred miles between us. That surely would wear out the cord. It would snap.

Like I had intended. So she would be safe.

My love. The only one I'd do anything for. Whose name was etched in my mind, always lingering on my tongue. My nostrils still flared at the memory of her scent. So powerful, so wicked. So absent now.

I could think of her features, her mannerisms. Her beauty, her soul. It was excruciating to do so, but it was easier than to think of her name. To put a word to her essence, a noun to who she was. That was very difficult.

I tried to push it away, but it always resurfaced because the word never dared to be pushed down.

Bella.

Her name was displayed like a neon sign, the moment I let the thought of it slip. The sound of it rang in my ears and I clutched my chest again for support.

That damn hole. It was getting bigger with every second passing. Plummeting deeper without a bottom to catch the despair.

Eating away at me until the moment there'd be nothing left of me.

Maybe then I'd die.

I hoped so.

But for the moment I was still breathing, so that probably indicated I wasn't dying anytime soon. Still alive. Or rather, I was existing. Because I'd never be alive again. Not without my heart.

I now knew the real reason why I was still alive, but dead at the same time. In specifics, it had nothing to do with immortality. I didn't have a heart that would stop beating- and not because it had been silent for so many decades, but simply, because my heart was gone. Replaced by the bottomless dark hole in my chest.

A miniscule part of me, too insignificant to fight the darkness for long was in fact angry, because I hadn't gotten the solace, the peace I so desperately longed for.

Why wasn't I dead? Why was I still here? It was incredibly unfair. I was a monster with nothing to go on for. My heart left behind with the only love I'd ever know. The one I'd never see again. How was I supposed to move on and pretend to build an existence for myself. It was absurd to even entertain the idea, because it was impossible.

Another part of me, a feeling - just as small as the anger - of remorse burned slightly. Remorse for wanting this undeserved peace, this ending of my existence. I had no right to be angry, no right to want comfort.

After all, this was karma in its worst form. I'd been selfish for so long and now I was paying the biggest price.

All I had now, was the assurance of wasting away. Day after day. I couldn't even stop it. I would just have to endure it.

Forever.

That wasn't even the worst of it though.

The physical pain, the absence of my heart - the dark hole, the neon-flashing of her name in my head, the sound of it silently echoing in my ears, it was tolerable in the sense that it was fair. My punishment for being so self centered.

No, the worst thing, the most agonizing feeling of all was knowing that this was what was best for her. And this too wouldn't have been so bad, had it not been for one specific train of thought I tried to shy away from.

Bella. Recovered and healed. Already forgetting about me.

Like I had intended with my goodbye. After all, I had promised her, it would be as if I'd never existed. Which would be a lot easier if she forgot about me entirely.

Except that I didn´t want her to forget. I needed her to remember. She was the very best thing that had ever happened to me in my ninety-plus years and if she´d forget than my existence would be truly useless.

It was an internal battle between my own selfish need for her to remember and all the reasons for wanting her to forget. The reasons for which I had left her in the first place.

So Bella could be safe and happy. Human.

Hanging out with her friends.

I wondered briefly - a small second was all I could bear - how she would be filling her days. During the normal school days she'd probably laugh freely with her friends: Jessica, Angela and Ben without the restraint of having to sit beside me and realize how uncomfortable us Cullens made her friends feel.

Of course with this activity would come the attention from the young teenage boys with their rampaging hormones. Especially now that I was gone.

I remembered that first day. All that attention from the male student body at Forks High.

Eric. Mike. Maybe even Tyler.

It would only be a matter of time until someone new would come along.

Or rather, someone familiar.

Something - a deliberately suppressed memory - was nagging at the edges of my mind. I tried to push it away. Without any luck, because it forced itself upon me without a hint of mercy.

I hadn't forgotten the way Jacob Black had looked at Bella during prom, last spring. I remembered his thoughts. He was in love with her. And a friend of the family.

So it wouldn't necessarily take much for them to get together.

After experiencing the unbearable torment of my memories and absent heart for weeks, I hit a new low whenever I thought of this.

Bella and Jacob Black together.

I couldn't be sure if this was going to happen, but I was quite certain Jacob Black would at the very least try.

And why shouldn't he. After all, Bella was free. And I had lost my right to claim her as mine. I'd buried that right alongside my heart, somewhere deep beneath Bella's floorboards. Erasing everything we ever had.

I shuddered. This was a subject even more forbidden than thinking of her name.

Bella loving someone else.

I shoved against another unwanted memory. The one from a long time ago.

The one from a time where my love for her had started to settle in every portion of my body.

When Mike Newton and later his dimwitted friends had asked her out to the spring dance and she had turned all of them down. I remembered how I'd seen her future back then, without me in the equation.

Walking down the aisle in gauzy white on her father's arm. Walking towards her future. Towards someone who'd never be me.

Now, that future was wide open again and every time I thought of it, I could feel the bond between us, invisible and powerful - tear a little. It didn't snap, it never broke, but it was only a matter of time.

Until it would rip.

And then she'd be free.

I imagined that wouldn't be very long.

And the more I imagined it, the more the pain burned.

I breathed in deep and sat up. The motion of flexing my muscles probed at the edges of the hole. I wanted to lie back down again, but didn't.

Better start getting used to it, I chided myself.

We'd been in Denali for four weeks now and my routine had been the same ever since I'd arrived here.

I simply existed, I remained.

Seconds to minute, minutes to hour. Hours that passed into days that were insignificant but imminent. Filled with memories I couldn't break away from.

I'd avoid the ones around me as much as I could. As much for their sake as it was for mine.

And yes, every day I'd tell myself to make an honest effort to be somewhat sociable. And every day, every time I had to face my family, the Denali coven or their odd round of guests, I couldn't help but make a run for it.

Running was good, because it was effortless. It was exactly what I needed. Some sort of movement that I didn't need to think about or process.

And anything that went without any kind of effort or trying on my part was about all I could stand.

I always ended up here. This familiar snow bank. The one where I had looked at the glowing blue and yellow sky, so many months ago. When she was nothing but a torment, a haunting image taunting me. The one whose blood I longed for, but couldn't have. That face, blocking my view, much like it was now.

No matter how hard I tried to suppress the vision, I never managed long. There would always be something to remember her by.

I sighed heavily and dropped myself to the ground again. This feeling too was getting almost normal.

If I sat up right - leaning against the snow bank - and stared at the sky, I rationally knew it was lit with stars. But then, when those chocolate eyes relentlessly gazed at me in my thoughts, I lost my hold on refraining from remembering.

And then, once I remembered something, anything that was connected to her, it was impossible to look away, to not feed my need to reminisce, my desperation to not lose a single memory. I was glued to the images of her face, her smile. Her eyes, her hair. That little crease between her eyebrows, the one I always wanted to smooth out. Thinking about it, made me long to touch her. To feel her lips brush against mine.

This was very foolish, of course. To allow myself to dwell on these things. Because once I started, I couldn't stop. Which meant the darkness would drag me down even further.

Lying on the ground, my arms clutched to my chest, the pain was throbbing.

That damn hole.

I couldn't even sit up for long, before the pain would be too much again.

Emmett would find it amusing to know, I'd gotten so weak.

So human.

Such an ironic price to pay. All I could do was spend ever day in the same dire, less than monotone structure. Fighting these unstoppable human reactions.

Hiding myself here, on this snow bank. Where no one even thought about bothering me.

Why would they? I was nothing more but a bitter man. Certainly not pleasant to be around.

So my family shied away from me. They had all tried to reason with me, to make me feel better.

Esme, with all her motherly love, kept trying. Day after day. But it was difficult for she read the sorrow on my face and the worry made her train of thought leap to the origin of my state of mind and I wanted her so badly not to think of that.

Bella.

So conversations between my mother and I had become quite repetitive.

She'd try to lift me up by talking about the weather, nature or some other trivial thing. But unlike before, that time where Bella wasn't around yet, I couldn't fake interest now. I didn't have the strength to try.

My disinterest would have Esme so worried, her thoughts would immediately wander back to Bella. Occasionally she'd go as far as to wondering what she'd be doing back in Forks. And her name was never from my mother's mind.

That made it harder, for I knew, it affected her too. She had loved the girl like a daughter and I had taken that away from her, though she never blamed me for it. All she did was worry about me.

Carlisle was worried too, but he tried not to push me. To not give me unsolicited advice, knowing there wasn't anything he could say or do to make me feel better.

He was, however, more practical and simply commanded me to hunt, knowing despite the fact I didn't technically need it, he didn't want me to slip either. But he never needed to worry about my restraint. There wouldn't be a human in sight for me to murder in an effort to outsmart my depression. Not here in the Alaskan wilderness. Besides, no human had the power to have that kind of hold on me.

Not the way Bella did.

My brothers and sisters were a different story.

Rosalie and her feeble attempt earlier. She cared the littlest so she gave up easily. If it was up to her, I would just leave. And take my misery with me.

Emmett tried a different approach, for his usual carefree nature was actually gone, now that he understood I was worse off than ever.

He tried his hardest to cheer me up but his way of picking me up meant he slipped sometimes. His most powerful tool - his sense of humor - meant he'd think of her, silently laugh at her clumsiness and then he'd start thinking about what she'd be doing now. Only to fall into a silent spasm of laughter again. At least he could see the funny side of it.

Bet she's wreaking havoc on Mike Newton with a badminton racket.

The image of that hurt worse than Bella actually hitting the silly boy.

Then, knowing he had made a mistake, Emmett would try to repair his error by jumping me, or trying to get me to fight him and punish him for taunting me with his thoughts about Bella.

Believing some kind of physical outlet would magically heal me.

"Come on, bro. I am letting you win!" he said a few days ago, while he had me pinned to the ground - not a difficult task, since I'd already been lying there when he found me - and nudged me playfully.

I just lay there, unresponsive. Staring at the nothingness surrounding me.

"Give me something. Anything!" he nearly begged as he dropped to the floor next to me.

He stared at the sky for a bit, following my gaze, perhaps hoping to see what I saw. But all he'd see was a brightly lit horizon. Not the emptiness I saw.

Eventually he sat up to look at me. He spoke gently, but firmly.

"I've tried violence and playfulness. I don't do moping and depression, bro. Can't do it, I don't know how. At some point, you are going to have to move. You can't keep on running here for the last of your life. Because that will get old."

I didn't listen. I barely heard him. I didn't expect him to understand.

"Rose and I will be leaving soon. She wants to go to Europe for a while."

Another one of their honeymoons. Lucky them. I almost envied my brother for being paired up with his true love. Even if his true love was Rosalie.

"Anyway, " he continued, "It will take alot of persuasion on my part. I'll have to pull out all the stops, but maybe I can convince Rose to let you come with us."

Europe. Paris. London. Rome. Maybe even Venice.

All such romantic places. I grimaced at the thought of being cozied up with the happy couple.

Emmett caught this.

Look at his face. This was a bad idea.

"Never mind. Maybe you can come and visit us, or meet up somewhere once you feel better. " he offered.

Once I feel better. That was surely an illusion.

He never asked me again after that and avoided me as much as Rosalie did, it seemed. Or maybe they were just making preparations for their travelings and no longer had time to deal with me.

Jasper was the most neutral and the only one I could stand to be around a little while longer than the rest of them.

Though I'd rather not speak about her at all, he was the only one who could think and say her name. Maybe because he layered it with the guilt I wanted him to feel. Jasper shared a part of my suffering because he felt responsible for our departure. That, and his soothing nature sometimes eased the pain a little.

He had only apologized once after I'd arrived.

"I am sorry," had been all he said. After that he only thought about apologies but mostly he let me be.

The worst was Alice. She felt little sympathy for me and the first week she'd been nothing but plain angry.

Angry about the responsibility Jasper felt; partially blaming himself for my state of mind.

"I know you blame him and it's unfair. He didn't force your hand to make this insane decision. He snapped and he is extremely sorry for that, but don't you dare blame him for the way you feel now!" Alice had spat at me, only hours after I arrived.

That had been her initial reaction. It was strange for she had foreseen my desicion, she knew I was going to leave Forks. She had even warned me beforehand, it wouldn't be a clean break for Bella.

But the anger, which had been subdued when she and Jasper left Forks, had resurfaced once I'd showed up in Denali.

She was justified in feeling this way, of course. After all, I had taken away her best friend. She knew my pain and felt for me, but she also blamed me for ruining her friendship. Not to mention the fact I hadn't even allowed her to say goodbye to Bella.

She warned me - and without reluctance or consideration for the way I felt - that Bella wasn't going to heal. That she was feeling what I felt.

I never responded to these assumptions, because they simply couldn't be true.

Bella was fine and Alice was plain wrong. Bella just needed some time, but she'd heal. Humans forgot easily and she'd move on in time.

"Edward.."

I sighed. Another round of checking up on me.

It was Esme again. And so I braced myself for her deep concerns.

She kneeled down and stroked my face, forcing me to open my eyes.

I turned to face her but the words couldn't escape me.

"Look at you," she whispered.

I've never seen him like this. It's different than before he met Bella. And it is getting worse every day. I hope Alice is wrong and that Bella is doing better. I don't wish this upon anybody.

"Don't, " I whispered weakly, "don't think about her. "

"Please," I nearly begged.

"I am sorry," she whispered.

A part of me longed for my mother's wisdom. Something to tell me that everything was going to be alright.

Maybe not today, or not even tomorrow or in a year. But someday. That there'd be something to look forward to again.

What was I thinking?

I'd chosen this ruthless misery. A state of mind, created to keep Bella safe.

I had no right to entertain hopes like that. There was no future for me and her. No future for me at all.

Esme and I sat in silence. She didn't speak and tried to refrain from worrying about my heartache and mostly, think about the object of my misery.

Bella.

The name was out now and I couldn't shove it back into the corners of oblivion or forgetfulness anymore. It kept flashing at me like that inescapable neon-sign.

"Will you go hunting with me and Carlisle later?" she wondered quietly.

It wasn't the first time she'd put this particular request in the past few weeks. But I'd refused every single time she'd asked.

"No, I'll stay here, " I mumbled, while I used my fingers to draw patterns in the crackling snow.

Always the same answer. He always wants to be alone.

"Edward. You have only hunted once since you arrived here," Esme pointed out worryingly. Her heart-shaped face was severe.

"You might feel better if you do," she suggested softly, while she took the hand that was drawing figures in the snow.

Right. Like shoving down some sort of liquid consolation was going to put me back together and heal me. Esme knew better than that. But, as my mother she still tried. The alternative wasn't in her nature. She'd never stop caring.

"Please. Emmett and Jasper will come too. It'll make us all happy."

I knew she felt slightly guilty for springing our family's happiness and peace of mind on me like this, hoping and knowing I wouldn't resist because I didn't want to let them down entirely.

"Alright. I'll go," I gave in absentmindedly. I wasn't very interested in making them feel better, though I didn't want to be a complete failure either. Mostly, I was tired of them bothering me with their own anxiety over my dire mind state. It was a selfish move. Perhaps if I hunted and showed some faux interest they'd leave me alone after that.

"Thank you, dear." she whispered, and she touched my cheek once more.

Esme left me after that, giving me one more worried glance before she bounded into the direction of Tanya's house. In her mind, she had booked a small victory, by getting me to join a hunting expedition. But had she been able to access my mind, she would know, it was simply obligatory and not voluntarily at all.

I waited and after a while, Carlisle emerged.

It's been too long since he has hunted. Look at his eyes. Onyx.

Perhaps my eyes were simply darkened by the depression, but just in case I was doing right by going hunting. If anything it would hopefully distract me.

"Are you ready to go?" my father asked as he approached.

"Sure," I said.

Carlisle frowned at my short response but decided to ignore it.

"Emmett wants follow the trail through the Nenana River Valley to Mount Healy. he's hoping for some grizzlies," he continued.

I shrugged and then re-adjusted my body-language and nodded.

"Fine" I agreed.

"Lets go then," my father said while he sprinted forward to the spot where the others were waiting.

They were all there - not just Esme, Emmett and Jasper, who I'd expected to be present - at the beginning of our trail. Rosalie gave me one glare and started walking up the path, Emmett following behind her, though not before he gave me a reassuring thumbs-up. Jasper looked at Alice, who was looking me over speculatively and then he went after Rosalie and Emmett.

"What's this?" I wondered in suspicion.

"A family gathering, " Carlisle said.

"An intervention, you mean, " I muttered.

Carlisle shook his head and started walking away from me to the spot where Alice and Esme were still waiting. He went to Esme's side and put an arm around her. My parents looked pleading while Alice tapped her foot to the frozen ground impatiently.

A part of me wanted to turn around and head back to my safety spot, my snow bank of solitude. But watching the three of them looking at me, thinking they were breaking through my well build armour of despair, made me suddenly feel very guilty. Which was an interesting change from the pain I couldn't seem to break free from.

I took a deep breath and moved into the direction of my family, hearing the relief in their minds as I reached them.

Carlise patted my shoulder and Esme hugged me. Alice rolled her eyes and stalked forward. She was still unpleased with me.

We followed the trail, occasionally stopping to enjoy the striking beauty of the wilderness. Well, my family did. I simply stood there, ignoring their thoughts, disregarding my surroundings. I tried to focus on the hunt, on my instincts, but even they seemed off.

It wasn't until they all moved into a crouch I realized there was something worth hunting nearby. We were close to a clearing and if I paid enough attention, I could hear a river stream nearby. I realized there wouldn't be any grizzlies here, they'd be hiding out closer to the mountain top.

I was the last to shift into a crouch.

This didn't go entirely unnoticed. But then again, nothing went past my father.

I cannot allow him to refrain from hunting so long again. He's weaker, he's not paying attention. Look at him now, he knows what I am thinking and he's not even acknowledging it.

I met his stare then and pushed to curl up my lips into a reassuring smile.

But Carlisle didn't buy my attempt to smile.

"Why don't you all move ahead to the Valley. Edward and I will stay here and hunt for some deer." he suggested to the others.

Hunt for deer? Not in my ninety years as a vampire - with the exception being my time of rebellion where I hadn't hunted animals - had I deliberately hunted for deer, because I was too weak to hunt for something bigger, like a mountain lion or a bear. Deer was convenient - especially the last few months because they were closer to Forks, which meant I didn't have to be that far away from Bella. Never had I hunted them because I was incapable of hunting something better.

The worst part was that my father was absolutely right in his assumption that this was the right thing to do now. After all, even at this moment, where I should be furious at the idea I was treated to be weak and pathetic, I was preoccupied with the image of Bella in my head. Her name no longer shielded and her eyes staring at me with a probing intensity. Like she was rebuking me from losing my edge and not taking care of myself. I shook my head to lose the image. But her eyes never stopped boring into my mind.

My family eyed Carlisle with surprise but none of them protested.

Only Alice flitted to Carlisle's side.

"I'll stay too, " she said.

The others disappeared onto the trail again, while Carlisle took the lead, following a path probably leading towards the small clearing.

When we reached the river, there was a herd of eight deer, drinking from a small unfrozen pool at the water's edge.

I was momentarily taken aback by the fact I hadn't smelled them before. And I did smell them now, but it was almost as if the scent wouldn't register. Like my nostrils only reacted to the aroma of a fragrance still lingering on my own skin, still flaming in my throat if I focused long enough. What I wouldn't give to burn like that again.

Carlisle and Alice sunk into a crouch, but I just watched.

It was almost peaceful, the way those animals went about their way. Made up of pairs. The males and females. They had it easy. Their natural habitat, their instincts. All so well programmed and attuned to one another.

I didn't feel any yearning, as I smelled them. I wasn't that thirsty, I realized. Maybe my nature was slipping.

Nonetheless I slipped into a crouch as well and went after Carlisle and Alice, who were approaching the herd without trying to startle them and tip them off.

They moved swiftly and gracefully, much like I usually did. And perhaps I was too lost in my own thoughts to watch my step or maybe my non-existent thirst held me back from my hunter-instincts but what happened next was as unexpected as it was embarrassing.

A twig on the ground, hidden under a thin blanket of snow - something I'd normally easily move past without making so much as a whispering sound during a hunting trip - softly crackled under my foot.

The heads of the two bucks in the herd snapped up and within seconds the entire group had assessed the danger and made a franctic run for it.

The image of the animals running made both Carlisle and Alice freeze in place.

Then Alice turned around and her eyes were blazing with fury.

"Oh, for God's sake! Could you at least put in some effort when we hunt? Not all of us can go without feeding, you know!" she hissed.

"Alice," Carlisle warned gently, "It's alright. We can still chase them."

Alice snorted. "Who cares. I have lost my appetite anyway."

"Edward, shall we move along? I'll race you for it," my father challenged me with a small smile.

Alice shook her head disapprovingly.

"I bet you don't even know how to hunt anymore. Or how to move without waking up the entire forest," she muttered grimly.

I didn't say a word. What was there to say. It was almost comical how I'd managed to ruin this expedition. Emmett would get a kick out of it.

Alice watched me, that hint of speculation on her face again. Normally, when she'd eye me like that, I'd straight away sift through the images in her thoughts. Look for a vision of something that might engage me or give away her behavior. But my eyes didn't search now. And she noticed this. It angered her.

"Carlisle, I want to talk to Edward alone. Will you please go ahead. We'll either follow soon or meet you back at Tanya's, " she said dryly.

"Alice, " he started, "I think it's best if we..."

She interrupted him "Please. Trust me. I need to speak to Edward."

Carlisle looked her over and then turned to go back to the trail the others were on.

His thoughts were oddly hopeful. Like he had seen something in her eyes to convince him that whatever she was going to do now, would actually help me.

Alice sat down on a rock and looked at me. I stared off into the distance, not interested in meeting her eyes or reading her thoughts.

"Enough is enough!" Alice ordered, abruptly breaking the silence.

"You've been moping around too long!" she added.

I didn't respond. I just stared into the forest. Seeing no shapes, no colors.

"Oh, is this how you want to play it. You'll ignore me?" she scoffed.

"That won't work, you know," she said with confidence.

I tried to proof her wrong by tuning out her ranting and looked at the ground. My eyes followed the traces of our footsteps. The pattern didn't engage me. After a few seconds, it was nothing but a brown-white mushy blur of melting snow mixed with mud.

"You know, I really don't want to do this. But you leave me no choice," she said, and she rose.

I know about the photos. I found them in our car...

In any other case I would have been prepared. I would have seen in her mind, what she was hinting at and what she was about to do. But now, it seemed every part of me was broken. My instincts were shaky and so I couldn't hunt. My ability was faltering because I didn't care enough to read anyone's thoughts.

Alice braced herself and then bounded off the floor. She landed precisely in front of me.

And although she was quite a few inches smaller than me, she grabbed my shoulders with her iron grip. Forcing me to look at her.

"Look at me, Edward. See what I see. You know you want to," she challenged me softly.

Otherwise you wouldn't have taken the photos Bella was supposed to send to Renée in the first place.

The moment our gazed locked in, I saw what she wanted to show me.

I couldn't ignore the image, not even if I wanted to. This wasn't about the photos I had collected from the ones Bella had meant to send to her mother, this was about so much more. And Alice was about to cross a line I could not allow her to, but I was drawn to what she showed me, drawn in by it that for a moment, there was nothing but the glorious vision Alice showed me.

A beautiful mirage - detailed to the extreme in Alice's mind - was so perfect, I wanted to drown in it, like on that very first night. This was so much better than a couple of photos.

The heart shaped face with the chocolate eyes and full red lips. Her ivory skin. Mahogany hair fawned out on a crisp white pillow. Tattered sweat pants and a cotton shirt. Bed covers tangled around her legs.

Her lips trembling, murmuring soft coaxing words.

Edward, stay. Please don't go...

I staggered back and slumped to the floor. The shock of hearing her voice so clearly in my head was too much.

"Why?" I whispered in pain.

"Why would you show me that?", I choked. The pain was slamming into me like that battering ram. Albeit a different kind of battering ram.

"Because it is the only way to get your attention," Alice stated matter - of - factly.

"I am sorry, but it was the only way, " she mumbled.

Her thoughts were remorseful but oddly triumphant. She took a deep breath and sat down next to me.

"You need to know you're wrong. You think you're doing the right thing, but you're not."

This again. I was so tired of it. Alice didn't know what she was talking about because she had never felt it.

She didn't see the chocolate eyes in her mind, always watching like a tragic but beautiful angel.

Alice didn't long for death. To end this poor excuse of a so called life and find some kind of relief from the torment.

She felt something inside. Excitement when a new day arrived. Worry about Jasper though he was doing better here in Denali. She had her perfect match, her true love by her side, every single day of forever.

"Leave me alone, Alice," I begged, the pain seeping through my plea.

"This is getting old. I know you're in pain, I do. But you need to snap out of it! You can't go on like this forever."

Like I could snap out of it. If only it were that simple. If only I had an on and off switch to fight the pain. But I didn't.

"Just go," I pleaded again.

"Not until you listen. I told you before Bella wouldn't take this well. And you know her. You know she won't be alright just because you believed it was the right thing to leave. "

I was horrified by the possibility Bella was as miserable as me. If she was feeling half as bad, than she wouldn't be happy at all.

And the idea of Bella suffering was worse than thinking of her name. Her eyes. Her love. The memories burned but the possibility that she wasn't better off right now, disgusted me and pained me more than all those reminders combined.

"You're wrong," I whispered, "she promised. She'll keep herself safe. She'll be fine!"

The words sounded hollow and clearly they weren't impressing my sister one bit.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Whatever you say. Just know that she won't be fine. You made the entire future uncertain again. "

"You promised not to look for that!" I reminded her. I tried to sound menacing, but I barely managed to sound angry.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Like you don't want to know."

I didn't need to know. My future would be the same today, tomorrow and the rest of eternity and I knew I'd never move forward. There would never be a change for me again, so basically it wasn't a future at all. I left my chance at a real future back in Forks.

My ultimate sacrifice so Bella could have a future. Surely Alice knew that much.

But still, what did she mean by that last comment. What had I made uncertain? It couldn't be Bella's future, because I had in fact secured that by leaving. I didn't understand. And did I in fact want to know, if Alice saw something - good or bad - happen to Bella, based on what she'd decide?

The answer was an undeniable yes. At any price, any kind of pain it would cost me, I had to know that Bella would have a good life. But also, should she ever be in trouble, I'd be there to save her or protect her from it. Even if it wasn't my place anymore.

I wanted to ask for clarification on Alice's comment about the uncertainty of Bella's future, but before I had the chance, something flashed in Alice's mind.

Another vision I couldn't hide from.

It was a familiar one. The colors, the shapes.

I'd seen this before.

Though it was more vague now.

Unclear, but still familiar.

I recognized the white shapes.

Arms.

White stone arms.

Wrapped around each other.

Alice and Bella.

As friends.

This threw me for a brief second but then I realized this probably meant that at some point in the future Alice would decide to go back to Forks to reconnect with Bella.

I should have prematurely berated her for this and warn her not to ever go there. But I was so shocked at how the pain briefly subsided - now that the mystery accompanying this knowledge consumed me - that it was leaving me entirely speechless. I didn't quite understand what would possess Alice to return to Forks and mess with Bella's life again.

But then...

White stone arms?

Bella with these white stone arms?

That surely couldn't be possible.

Because that future was out of the question, regardless. I'd never choose it and it was never going to happen. Not ever.

So how come Alice still saw it then?

"Alice, what does this mean?" I gasped.

For a moment I was anxious to find out. I felt some sort of life flicker inside me and for the first time since I had left her, I didn't feel the ripping pain.

It was still there, a deep dark hole couldn't heal that easily, but I didn't feel the sting, because I was too consumed with the images in Alice's head.

For the shortest moment I was engrossed by the things I saw. The darkness lifted and a small hint of light shined upon me. Offering me the solace I needed and longed for.

A moment of peace until my mind would regain control and dim the light again.

And with that my only hope.

I refocused on Alice and as the images filled her mind and transferred themselves to mine, I watched Alice's face form into a smile. Or maybe it was a grimace. I didn't look long enough to check.

I was completely sucked in by a new image in her mind.

Also vague and unclear, like a future unsure and unlikely to happen.

But not impossible.

White stone arms, sparkling in a light bounding off some dark place. A stone wall perhaps, though it was difficult to see.

Those white stone arms were mine and they were not empty.

They were wrapped around the beautiful angel, the siren. The one who would heal everything.

Maybe I would die soon.

Was that what Alice was showing me?

My own death, my release?

Was such a thing even possible?

It was idle to wish and hope for this but all the pain would be worth it if this would be my reward.

My solace.

For a second I could only drown in the prospect of my life ending. The pain retreating.

But was that what I wanted?

Death?

It would free me from the pain of loss. But it would also secure the fact I'd never see Bella again.

And although this was certainly what I had promised her - a promise I intended to keep - playing into the hands of this imminent fact, was taking it too far.

As long as Bella was out there somewhere, the world still turned. There was still meaning.

Perhaps not designed for me, but there was still purpose in existing.

Bella existed and so I couldn't die. Not just because it kept alive the miniscule chance of a reunion - a chance I'd never take consciously - but also it was my reminder. She was alive and well, with a new chance to build on a solid future filled with happiness.

And nothing else mattered but that the world consisted of Bella and that she was happy.

This was good, right. It didn't fill up the hole in my chest, nor did it erase the pain but it was strangely relieving.

Until Alice ruined it.

Nothing has changed, Edward. Blurry future or not. You may be undecided now, but you won't be forever. And mark my words when I say you and Bella are far from done. It's just a matter of time. I can't see anything too clear so I could be wrong. But knowing you, you'll eventually prove me right...

She flashed me an insightful smile and then walked away.

I shook my head to shake the images, the afterglow of hope they had left behind.

Bella and I were far from done.

If this was the case, then at some point I'd grow weak again and go back to Forks.

My first reaction was one of hope. Idle, irrational hope. More powerful than the resolve to leave Bella alone.

After all, who would not want a chance to go home? A chance to find my heart again and fill the hollowness in my chest.

But my hope was soon squashed with justified intent. And to illustrate this, the battering ram slammed into me once more, knocking the breath out of me.

What was I thinking? I couldn't allow that to happen. I could never go home.

It was like an awful deja-vu. Like I had to decide all over again. But with more convinction this time, so I wouldn't be fooled by the misplaced visions which tried to lure me back to my love.

The emotion behind it, was biting. Of course I was never going back to Forks. Alice was wrong and almost cruel for even suggesting it. And I was stupid for allowing myself to even long for the opportunity.

I was here now, niles away from Forks and Bella was safe.

I couldn't ever return to end up in her future again.

To ruin her life again.

Whatever hope I had clinged onto for a minute, faded.

I was a fool. I didn't deserve this. Not the hope of going home.

Not even the peace of dying.

This eternal agony was my punishment and I needed to exist with it forever.

Because it was the only guarantee, Bella would remain safe.

And so I ran, like I had done the night I left her.

I ran and ran, until I reached my spot of solitude, the snow bank far from Tanya's house.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deep.

The pain rippled heavily as I saw her deep eyes, her mesmerizing smile.

A hint of the wind teased me with her name, though I knew it was imaginary.

I breathed in deeper and could taste the familiar - and very much welcomed - burn that accompanied her fragrance on my tongue.

She was so close now, I could even hear her heartbeat echoing in my ears.

I kept my eyes closed, as I focused on her alabaster face in my mind.

Those full red lips, slightly parted.

Whispering.

Edward, I love you.

I smiled slightly.

I love you, too. Always.

For a small second, I was home and the hollow in my chest was filled up with Bella's love.

Lost in her words, in this new mirage, I didn't hear the thoughts approaching.

"Edward, are you day dreaming again?" a voice rebuked me gently.

I opened my eyes at the sound of this voice. The ring of it was not unpleasant, it was just unsignificant to me.

"Tanya," I said in acknowledgement.

"What are you thinking about?" she wondered curiously.

"Home," I murmured and then I closed my eyes again.

But the mirage was gone. Everything was black again.

It was alright, though. Because the darkness was my reminder.

My warning.

And so I plunged deeper into the depression.

Forever a captive in that black hole without a bottom.

So that Bella would be safe.

Happy.

For the rest of her human life.

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It's been a while I updated, but here it is, finally!

Let me start by thanking everyone for their support and reviews. (R&R!) Thanks to everyone whose offered help as a Beta or otherwise. Feel free to let me know your input, I always greatly appreciate it. A special thank you to Penny, my unofficial but amazing Beta for catching all the grammatical errors I missed!

About this chapter. Edward is completely miserable (duh) and when he and Bella reunite he tells her he was completely useless and let the misery have him etc. But, the last part of this chapter shows him almost paralleled to the same chapter in NM, where Bella hears him as her hallucination. After that, she - sort of - starts living again. The pain is not less, but there's some point of reason again.

With Edward, there is no point of reason, but I need him just a tad less depressed and a bit more focused for future chapters where he starts his tracking expedition for Victoria.

And no worries, I needed this chapter to start things. I am paying very close detail to what's been told about Edward + the Cullen's time away and I will do my absolute best not to overlook anything.

And if I do write something which might not seem entirely in tune on the surface, I'll always explain my reasoning behind it.

I'll be away for a while, so I can't update again for a few weeks.

PS. The lyrics at the beginning are from Snow Patrol's "Set the Fire to the Third Bar" (feat. Martha Wainwright) from their album "Eyes Open". I thought it was fitting.

I wish you all a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!